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Ladies and gentlemen, on the stage of the Corp-Artes Theater,
this is Alison Mandel.
Very good evening.
Woow!
What a beautiful audience.
I want to say that I’m the comedian with the most beautiful audience.
All other comedians know about it, talk about it.
This is great. It’s out of this world.
I'm very excited about tonight, I'm recording my first comedy special.
It has been an incredible year for me.
Only good things have happened to me.
My youngest son went into school.
I am in a school parents’ chat now.
¡Wohoo!
Parents have plenty of free time, right?
At least I have the option to mute it forever.
Every day I read things like
“I have a fleece, but it is not my daughter’s”.
“Does anyone have my son’s fleece?” “Yes", the other mom said.
“Yep, but that's not my fleece”. “So I didn't get any Fleece”.
“I didn't get any fleece either”. “You know, I didn't either”.
“I checked my son's backpack, and I didn't see any fleece”.
And then, a mom writes “Almonds for sale, half a kilo at $5”.
We had a mom's meeting to get to know each other.
Because we have the parents’ chat, but also, we have one only for moms.
because we get more things done.
We assumed right away ”this chat is not good”.
Dads have tried to agree the whole year about a party.
And for a soccer game.
We, moms, talk in the other chat and we get together.
We went for a coffee.
We started introducing ourselves and tell about what we do.
Everybody started to introduce themselves.
“I am Josefina, Matilda's mother. I'm a lawyer”.
“I am Anita, José Tomás' mother and I am a teacher”.
“I am Maria Ines. I do nothing, I'm a bum mom”.
“But I am in charge of the Parents’ Center”.
And right next to me I have the smartest mom.
“Well, I'm a doctor”,
“I am a neurosurgeon. I am part of a research”
“that discovered a vaccine for COVID”.
“And now we're working on a cure for cancer”.
“So, next week I will attend some courses in Harvard”.
And that’s it.
And next to her it was me.
I studied at Duoc.
Did somebody study at Duoc?
Here we are technicians.
We are hardworking people who want to thrive.
But we became technicians.
I am an actress technician.
It was my turn, now. “What about you?”
“I'm Alison Mandel. Actress. Actress Technician”.
“Comedian, and Influencer”.
When I said influencer, I knew I screwed up.
Smart mommy looks at me and says:
“Is that a job?”
And I said, “And the cure for cancer? When?”
Of course it is a job.
I mean, do you know how hard it can be?
That I put my phone here.
Is it recording? Yes, it is.
Then play it spontaneous.
“Many people have asked me…”
But actually nobody asked you shit!
Me and my husband made a huge effort
to enroll our son in that school.
It is a better school than the one we studied in,
where his brothers attend.
This is because we actually feel,
without putting pressure on Balthazar’s shoulders,
that he is the smartest one in the family.
I already figured it out as a mom.
You notice when your child is doing well or not.
That is how the money was invested.
So we realized that was our option.
We put him in a school, an expensive one.
So, when he comes back from school, we ask “how was your day”?
“Good”.
“What did you guys do today?” “Nothing”.
“Balthazar that is an expensive school. You really did nothing?”
“Nothing”.
“But Balthazar…” “Oh, yes, something happened!”
“What happened Balthazar?” “I got bit”.
I was mad that someone bit my son.
“How was that Balti?”
“I was bitten, like this”.
“Like a dog, I was bitten. He was hungry and bit me”.
All our hopes on our son.
All for us not to do standup comedy until we are 80.
I knew well when I was a little girl, that I was not smart.
My mom always told me so.
When she was on the phone she said “Yes, my girls are okay”
“Estrellita is studying very hard, as usual”.
“And Alison…”
“Very beautiful”.
For real. I was not brilliant. I was a student that
I pretended I was answering a test.
I finished the test very quickly and my school mates were focused
and I was like doing nothing.
The teacher would stand behind me, saying:
“Children, read the questions well…”
“...Before answering”.
"Balthazar, who bit you?" “A child”.
"And what did you do?" “Nothing”.
I looked at Pedro.
Pedro was doing some things, he looked at me and said, “what?”
“You solve that”.
“You solve it”.
“Balthazar…”. Look I'm in the idea of respectful parenting.
Balthazar, next time a child bites you, you have to tell him:
“No! Stop. This is my body. I have my limits”.
Pedro laughed exactly like you.
“What?”, I said.
“He cannot say that bullshit!”
What about it?
“He will look like the chump of his class”.
Men fear that their sons look like the "chump" of the class.
But then… “No”.
Fuck it then, you solve it.
“That happens because you follow moms on Instagram”.
Beg your pardon?
“Yep, you follow ‘the nurturing mom’,
‘the raising mom’, ‘the breastfeeding mom’”,
“‘the cook mom’. Why the fuck don’t you follow ‘old school mom’?”
Calm down. Let's see you solve it. “I will do it my way”.
I like the way men solve problems.
Look, they think and that’s it. There is no…
Not a minute for analyzing things.
Of “this could be bad, it could be good”. There isn't any.
They save time.
“Balthazar”. He looked so sure and I thought…
“You get bitten, then you bite”.
“You get hit, you hit back”
“Pedro!”, I tell him. “What?”, he says.
“Always talking about that ‘limits’ shit”.
Next day Balthazar went to school and when he returned, we both were like,
How did it go? “Good”.
Anything happened? “No. Oh, yes!”
“I was bitten”.
What did you do, Balthazar? “I said ‘This is my body, my limits’”
What did he say to you? “Uuuuuuuughhh”.
Then Pedro says to me...
And what did you do? “I bit him back”.
And what did he do? “He beat me”.
And what did you do? “I cried”.
You are to blame. It's your fault.
“You know what?” I said. “Balthazar. I'm going to fix this”.
What's the name of the asshole who bit you?
Then Pedro says, “Honey!”
Wait, you complain about the mommies I follow?
But I can be a Ghetto mommy. What's his name?
“His name is Camil… José…”
“His name is…”
That’s an unreliable source.
Ok, Balthazar, remember. Focus. Come on.
“His name is Jose Tomas”.
Pedro, look up in the directory and see where his parents live.
“But Honey, how can we…?” Wait a minute.
Now I'm going to fix this shit myself.
I'm going to create an Instagram named “Ghetto Mommy”. Look it up.
We found it and we headed for that house.
We waited in the car and Pedro said:
“if this is a joke, it's gone on too long”.
But calm down, I can handle this.
Then I saw the child and I approached him in a warlike manner.
Then I noticed the cameras in the condo.
So I…
“Hello”, I said to him. “Did you bite my son?”
“Yeap”.
That's not right. “I'm going to do it again”.
Look, fucking asshole.
Next time you mess with my son or any other child.
I could see he bullied other kids.
I swear I'm going to come tell you a story about Santa, you will love.
“I know he’s not real”.
That asshole was three years old.
And I looked at my husband so excited, that I went back and I said to him.
“If you mess with my son, I already know where you live”.
“I will come back at night and get in through the window”
“and I'm going to fuck your dad”, I told him.
“Until your parents split”.
Next day Balthazar arrived and I asked him “how did it go?”
“I didn't get bit today”.
Oh, well...
I was at a festival during the summer. Did anyone see it?
The great Festival de Viña.
Did you see it?
It was a nice moment for me.
But.
I, Mrs. Asshole, standing on the stage.
A big festival, and I said “I like Ghetto men”.
Remember that moment?
“Hey, I like Ghetto men”.
I did not think about the consequences of my words.
When I am in the street, some dangerous people approach me.
“Hey, you like men like me”.
“You redeemed us, my sister”.
OK, but that was only a simple concept.
The truth is I only Honey my husband.
I married a perfect person, as far I am concerned.
And I only have eyes for him.
We've been married for years, a long time and I have never
looked at other men but the other day...
We had a problem in the house. We needed some help to fix it.
Some plumbers went.
An old plumber and a plumber apprentice.
The apprentice looked weird.
He wore a cap, and he remained looking down.
He had a tattoo with the word “resilience”.
We had a problem in the restroom, so
Pedro goes with the old man. And I go with the…
Look, I have no idea about construction.
But every time someone goes to fix something,
I stand on his side like an old bitch,
pretending I know about the business.
So they don't fuck with me.
The guy got into the restroom and right away he started to make a hole,
a big hole, digging, digging on the floor, and I was next to him.
I asked him, “is that a partition wall or concrete?”
“This is ceramic, ma'am”.
Ha, you’re paying attention.
He kept digging a hole on the floor, and I wanted to talk to him.
And all of a sudden, I said to him, “Do you have experience in holes?”
Yes, I said so, and then I realized what I had just said.
So you have experience in holes?
He kind of laughed. He had one missing tooth.
And I said to myself, he's got his thing.
He looked at me and said “Yes, I have experience”.
“I once dug a tunnel”.
Ohh, oh, ok.
All of a sudden, he said to me “Are you the one from the festival?”
I don't know if that was a threat or a question.
“Yes, I am”, I said. “Did you see me?”
“No”.
“But I saw some gold seagulls at the entrance”.
Well, those are not actually made of gold.
They are gold plated.
In fact, once a comedian wanted to sell them,
and he wouldn't be paid ten bucks.
Then, I don't know if he was flirting with me,
because I've been married for so long.
It's been long since anyone has flirted with me, nor have I flirted back,
so I didn't understand.
But all of a sudden, he asked me.
Do you have any children?
And I…
Haha, that’s a silly question!
Well, something like a child, I mean, no
I started to flirt, too.
And as I don't know how to flirt, I messed up.
No. I mean, no...
I mean...
Maybe one or two. Not many.
Not that many either.
At that moment I felt bad, like cheating.
I said, “I'm going to get out of here”.
And the guy did something that got me crazy.
If this wasn't a flirtation, you tell me.
The guy was like this, and he stood up, he bent down and stood up again.
Maybe you guys think “hey, but that's nothing”.
But I've been married 12 years.
My husband is 43 years old.
If my husband kneels down, he won’t move from there.
He’s not coming back.
Once we were in the living room
and suddenly I realized something and said:
“Whoaa, the kids are not here, we could like, you know…”
I told him like, “Honey, we're alone”. We wanted to have a night of passion.
“OK, but not in the living room”, he said.
But don’t kill the moment, here. “Nope, not the living room”.
“No, in our room”.
Ok, but grab me, and take me to our bedroom.
He looked at me and said “what?” Grab me and throw me on the bed!
“Are you fucking nuts?”
“Why?”, I asked him “What about my back pain?”
“No, Honey, you better walk”.
So, we both had to walk into the room.
Once in the room I did not feel like it, and I said to him...
You know what, it's cold. I'm going to take off just one pant leg,
So, imagine the rest.
And I see a guy doing this up and down.
I left immediately and I stayed next to my husband,
waiting for the work to be finished.
Feeling guilty, like, “oh, oh”.
“Why do I imagine things? Don’t do it!”
Suddenly the guy comes out. They finish the work, pretty efficiently.
I mean, it made me want to break things, to get him to come back.
The kid comes out and he was afraid of nothing.
Afraid of nothing.
He was leaving and he returned and said to me: “Hey”.
“Hmm. How bold”.
Yes? “With the leftover material”
“I made you a shelf, because you had a mess with your shampoos”.
12 years telling my husband that I needed a shelf.
“Thank you”, I said. “That’s kind of you”.
I went to drop him off, I closed the door, I turned around, and Pedro was like this.
“What?”, I asked.
“You liked him”.
The old man?
“No, the guy and his shelf”.
When you don't know what to say, you pretend you get mad, just to save time.
Haaa, with all what I have to do, I also liked this guy?
“I know you. You like him”.
Oh, come on, Pedro!
He was obviously gay.
Well, I would never, ever change my husband.
because, he’s really handsome. I look at him and...
He’s like a cave man.
Have you guys seen how practical men are?
I sometimes think, why wasn't I born a man?
Have you guys seen how efficient men are?
Have you ever seen a man taking a shower?
They have no problems.
I have to buy a shampoo that, as I get older, it’s more expensive.
A shampoo promising my hair won't fall out,
It's going to be there with me, until the end of time.
It costs 40 bucks, the styling cream same price,
and the heat protection stuff. You are in the restroom, using those things.
You leave your shampoo on the shelf that guy made you.
Suddenly you grab the styling cream, and it says “leave on for three minutes”.
You're already in the shower, you don’t want to get out.
You put on your cream and stay like this.
In a very vulnerable position,
for you to think about all your mistakes.
Suddenly you see the shower is filthy.
You grab your husband's sponge.
One is always efficient.
So, you clean all bright and shiny.
As you leave, your husband is coming in, as “the caveman”.
He comes in quickly.
He does not wait for the hot water. He’s just in and out.
Next to my shampoos there is a bag
I bought just for him.
So he won't use my shampoo.
The bag is efficient, because it's shampoo, balm and soap.
He gets in, pours a handful of shampoo and he does like a turbo thing.
Within two minutes he is done.
He is between toweling himself dry or kind of wet.
Hell! men are efficient for their stuff.
One day a chicken leg fell off the grill. He grabbed it, blew it, and ate it.
Me and my husband, we make a good duo.
I really find that we are like… we're good at our stuff,
like, we got married and everything works.
We never argue. We are partners.
One proposes, the other one solves.
But the one moment that I would tell you I did not love him that much,
it was the day my baby was born.
Anyone of you here is a mom?
Oh, you look tired!
With your last breath you raised your hands.
- Are there any dads? - Yeah.
Uh-huh. They're not that tired.
Well, I think my delivery day was not such a good day.
People romanticize that, motherhood, when your baby is born, you feel so good.
I did not feel that good.
I remember it was 4 AM. I started to feel a contraction and I said “Oh!”
Pedro was sleeping next to me.
And I was like, “Oh, no! Oh! holy shit!”
“Oh, this is fucking painful!”
“Come on. Inhale. Exhale”.
“Inhale. Exhale. what did the Midwife say? I don't fucking remember that”.
I stood up. I either have to walk or I don't have to walk.
Pedro was still sleeping.
Then I had continuous contractions, every three minutes.
And I was like, “fucking shit!” I felt a pain like “Whoaa!!”
And at that moment I could finally know
how a man feels when he catches a cold.
“Oh”, I said.
“Oh, poor men!”
“This was what men feel, with a little bit of a cough”.
I couldn't take it anymore. I woke up Pedro and I tell him:
Honey, the baby is going to be born. “Now?”
Now.
“Can't you hold on a bit?” He said to me.
No! It’s a baby I can't wait!
“Okay, calm down, calm down!”
“I'm calm”, I said.
I'll go to the restroom and off we go!
Really, I find that men are so practical,
they're resolute, they're fast people, except,
when they go to the restroom.
I don't know if that is a Nirvana moment, a breadth of mind,
but he gets in the restroom
and I start to hear from outside reels, Tik Tok.
It’s musical poop, it’s like…
The good thing is when he comes out of the restroom, he has a good idea.
It's his moment of reflection. “You know, Honey? I was thinking…”
And I was like, “We must go to the hospital!”
We got there. Women who had a baby know it.
It does not matter if you had a vaginal or cesarean delivery.
You're going to get a gash.
You place your gash, depending on your delivery,
in your belly or in your butt, but the gash...
The gash goes.
In my case it was my belly.
I was there. The baby was born, it was taken away.
Someone starts stitching and you tell him “see that it's all in, please!”
And I shouted at Pedro. “Pedro! Pedro!”
“What?”, he says. Watch them!
Because a woman may be dying, but always giving directions.
Watch them! "What?"
Watch they don't change the baby.
Because this special video may be watched
by people from Europe, from USA.
People who do not know “Talca city”.
If you come to our beautiful country, don’t go to Talca.
“Ok”, he says. “It's the same baby, I can see it”.
I was stitched and taken to my room.
They “put you there” with a baby. And I felt weird.
I received the baby and I didn't know what to do.
I held it in my arms.
“I'm going to make sure you breathe every two seconds”.
Next to me my husband was answering phone calls.
I couldn't talk because of the anesthesia.
So, I listened to Pedro as he was saying, “we are okay”.
And I was like…
“We're tired, for sure!”
I had just made a work of art.
I had just made a baby. I put everything a baby needs.
A little head, small feet, everything.
I made it right.
Pedro, next to me, all he had to do was to put together a sleeper chair
and he couldn't.
I put nails to the baby.
And Pedro was like “holy shit!”
He was scolding himself. I felt pity for him.
“Mr. Asshole has to put together all this thing alone”.
“Holy crap! This is a piece of shit!”
Suddenly out of anger he turns around and says: “I better leave!”
“I'm not doing anything”.
I don't know what kind of face I must have made.
But he corrected himself
and said “I was joking!”
“I wanted to see if you got mad”.
“No, I'm going to keep watching right here!”
“I shall keep my eyes open”.
“Taking care of everything you need the whole night”.
Two minutes later he was sound asleep.
And I was like…
watching the baby.
And women get kind of dramatic.
I shall always be here for you.
I'm your mom.
In this moment…
I will never stop watching you.
I will watch you breathing for four months,
in a deep postpartum depression.
I was having this chat with my baby
when I started to fall asleep.
Are there people here who work in healthcare?
Somebody, here, in healthcare?
I'm sure that when you guys have a dull shift
you stand outside rooms like mine.
You listen and say, “she fell asleep!”
“She fell asleep, let’s get in”.
[Yells] “Excuse me, mommy”.
And I was like...
I'm watching my baby sleeping.
“Mommy, you pretend I'm not here”.
“I'm going to take your vitals. Bye, mommy”.
You fall asleep again and she came back in, “Mommy!”
On the third inning she took pity on me.
“Mommy. You know”
“With my shift partners, we are wondering if you are okay”.
No. "What's wrong, Mommy?"
What should do I do now?
I didn't think about this part of the plan.
“Mommy, you have to raise your baby”.
Alone?
“No, mommy, with the gentleman next to you”.
Alone, then!
Then you get home. You don’t look pretty.
Let's stop romanticizing that. You’re not pretty.
It's not the best period of your life.
I had a slash from side to side, and I solved my life saying,
Okay, I'm never going to walk straight ever again.
We become moms and turn warlike girls right away.
Okay, I won’t walk straight up, I will walk like this forever.
I was hungry, and I had that damn mom updo.
You put on the same baggy clothes, your milk is leaking.
You are hungry and thirsty! Hungry and thirsty!
You go to the kitchen, and start eating.
Then, my husband looks at me and says, “Honey, are you going to eat all that?”
I am hungry! I made a baby by myself!
“Well, Honey, it’s just that,
if you want to serve it on a plate, not eat it off the pot”.
You're not pretty.
And then it's your turn
to go for a checkup with the doctor, 40 days later.
The doctor looks at you and says: “It's all perfect”.
“Everything is back in place”.
Can you check if there is no other baby inside?
“It's all perfect. You can resume your sex life from now on”.
I was eager to tell the doctor: “Look, you son of a bitch!”
I looked at Pedro smiling.
I'm not going to resume any shit!
“No, I just feel happy that you're okay”.
Until one day your friends come to see you at your house. That’s a beautiful moment.
We, women, have this enviable thing,
that your friend can lie for you, if she has to.
Your friend will always treat you well. She will always hug you.
Your friend arrives home and you have your fucking hair bun.
Your friend comes in and says:
“Oh, you look gorgeous!”
“You look beautiful!”
And another friend says:
“Whoa! it’s like you never had a baby”.
“How can you possibly look so pretty?” And I am like, “really?”
“Yes. Sure beautiful, radiant!”
“I swear your motherhood is very becoming in you”.
In the corner is your friend, who hasn't been a mom yet.
Like this: “Aahhh!”.
“What's wrong with you?”
“I don't want to be a mom, never, ever!”
I don't know if you girls have ever been overwhelmed with motherhood.
Have you ever had those shit days of maternity?
When you say “when is this day over?”
You look at the time and it's 4:00 PM.
Three hours of activities go by and it's just 4:10 PM.
I was in those days and my husband was working
I was with my three kids. Time didn’t move on.
I was feeling guilty, because women are guilt-ridden.
I said, “how is it possible that my favorite moment is when they sleep?”
How is that?
I’ve been waiting all day for bedtime to come,
and then, I came up with a plan.
I said to myself, “you know what?
I'm going to order pizza and I will make them watch TV”.
“So they fall asleep, watching TV. And forget about respectful parenting”.
“Let’s melt their brains and neurons, So what?”
“And who is going to complain about it?”
So, I told them, “kids. I'm going to order pizza”.
“No”. How is that?
“We want you to cook today”.
What kind of kid would rather have a meal instead of a pizza?
But this is a delicious pizza.
“But your cooking is more delicious”.
So I thought, “Hmm, I’m a good mom”.
And sometimes we act like a soap opera actress.
“Well, if my kids are asking me to cook”
“Then I'm going to cook”.
Have you seen those Instagram inspiring messages that say
“You are the best. You can always make it”.
I can't make it!
I don't want to make it! I don't want any more positive messages.
I couldn't make it that day! But, as my head was on Instagram,
I said “I might as well”.
And I started cooking.
Anyway, we had a nice family moment.
I started cooking and the kids were all sitting around. They're so cute.
The three of them looking at me, with their six little brown eyes.
They started talking to each other. I like it when they do that.
They started to talk about their shit.
Then, my two oldest sons were talking.
They were saying…
“The thing with Star Wars”
“is that you don't have to watch it in the order they appeared”.
“There is a chronological order and a movie release order”.
As I was cooking, I thought “They will never have a girlfriend”.
“Never!”
So, they were talking.
And I always leave the microwave door open so that it is not stinky.
And all of a sudden, I bent down, and I got up.
It was nearly 1 cm…
of microwave inside my head.
I felt how the blood started to drip down.
And I said “Fucking shit!”
I have three boys, so none of them did anything.
All they did was say… “Oh!!!”
And I said to my oldest son, pass me the paper towel.
What is that?
Balti got bored, he got on the couch and started to jump off the couch.
He said, “look mom, look mom, look mom, look mom”.
Balthazar, look, I'm kind of busy right now,
keeping my skull inside my head.
“Look, mom, look, mom, look, mom, look, mom, look, mom”.
Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, mom.
Balthazar, really, this is not the time. I can't turn my head.
Look, mom, look, look, look, look, mom, look.
What? Balthazar, what?
Balthazar doing this…
Me, still trying respectful parenting.
Whoaa!
Balti, that’s the best jump I've ever seen.
I thought of my mom in that same situation.
She would have told me in a second, “For that shit...?”
“You made me look at you?”
So, I started to get anxious.
because I was alone with the kids. I thought if something happens to me
what will happen, then? Who could help me? I don't even know my neighbors.
So, then…
So, what happens? What if this is serious?
And I have to stay at the Hospital.
Three days, drug to my veins, no visitors.
So, I jumped myself to have a more severe injury.
To be honest, I must say I admire men.
I admire them.
Their ability to solve things quickly.
I mean, have you guys noticed that a man, when at night he comes back home,
he puts his head on the pillow, and he falls asleep?
Can you guys understand this? He falls asleep.
His head says:
“Another day being a great man!”
“Another day without any remorse”.
The king must rest. He puts his head on the pillow, and falls sound asleep.
And I, at midnight I'm trying to figure out where my anxiety comes from.
When I don't get anywhere, I make up a conflict.
I have to wake him up, and tell him: “Honey”.
“I have a…” “What? I'm sleeping”.
How can you fall asleep that quickly? “I am sleeping!”
I can't go to sleep because I have a…
I have a… a burden, here. “A burp, you mean?”
I feel anguish, that’s it.
“Ok, it’s for something that happened or something that could happen?”
Something that happened, and it’s a feeling.
“Hell!” He looks like this.
“What?” I asked him.
I feel my friend, “Chiqui” is mad at me.
“Ok, and why is it so?”
Let me tell you the whole story. But listen to me. Don't fall asleep.
“I'm listening”.
The other day, after her show, I had to drop her off,
because she never drives at night.
So I went to drop her off,
and when I do that, as a friend, I see that she gets to the door,
and she turns and says “Bye. Tell me when you arrive home”.
It doesn’t matter if she's already asleep. It doesn't matter, it's the gesture.
So, I see “Chiqui” gets out of the car, she gets into the house and comes inside.
She didn't turn around, at any point, and said good bye to me.
So what then happens?
It's obvious, she's mad at me.
I see Pedro by my side.
Right?
Why your fucking “Chiqui” friend doesn't drive at night?
It’s true. I find men are very efficient, except when they go to the supermarket.
Nope. If they go there and they are hungry, nope.
I like to go to the supermarket. I don't like him going.
But when he goes, I always tell him, “Honey, please”.
“It's important to me that you bring yogurt, milk, and bread”.
The rest you choose, but yogurt, milk, and bread.
He comes back from the supermarket
with a bunch of stuff, except yogurt, milk and bread.
I tell him, “Honey, where is the yogurt, the milk and the bread?”
“There wasn’t, any”.
While the three children had a new toy.
And on top of that, I'm sure when he returned, he said, “Shit!
Kids, what about the yogurt, milk, and bread?
“There wasn’t, any”.
I prefer to go myself, because I'm efficient at the supermarket.
I carry the bags. I don’t make mistakes. I go at the time when it’s empty,
I enjoy it, but I’m kind of a “fucking old lady”,
When they change things around I call the stock boy and ask what’s going on?
I know the cheese was here, why it’s not here anymore?
I don't know, you should claim at Customer’s Service.
Mmmm.
I like to read the ingredients.
I don't know some of them, but I put them in my cart anyways.
It's like my moment of freedom.
I see I was getting older when I started to enjoy going to the supermarket.
I see an off price and I say Whoa!
When I finally get to the checkout,
I make a kind of casting to choose from.
It's not like just staying in the line,
but rather, you walk around and look.
This guy looks kind of stupid, but.
Here, I like this old lady.
So, you get in the old lady’s line.
I always screw it up,
because, when I choose someone I always choose the dumbest person.
And I see the old woman starts saying…
Look, I will pay for half of the purchase with a card, but the other half with cash.
So I'm going to need two invoices…
And I say, “fucking shit”!
The line starts getting bigger.
I see the next checkout is opening and I say to myself.
Should I go to the next one or not? Should I? should I not?
I'm sure if I switch, they will tell me it's closed,
I’ll look stupid and cannot go back.
So, I say I'm staying here.
The gentleman in the back shifts, and quickly passes by the checkout next to me.
And I say, I won’t look at him, I will pretend I didn't see him.
Then, the cashier does not know the code for paprika or broccoli.
What was the code that I had to put here?
And suddenly, the checkout collapses.
The checkout collapses and she says, “Ops, I can't enter the code."
So, she turns on a light.
And you think, who's going to come here to help her?
From the middle of the supermarket a little old woman shows up
She’s full of card and keys, very efficient.
What happened to you, Mrs. Jacqueline?
I was passing the items and suddenly it collapsed.
You didn't use the right code for…
She wrote a code, passed the card, and that’s it.
That old woman was a Goddess.
And one gets amazed.
The old woman is leaving and turns back saying.
Mrs. Jacqueline, did you go for lunch yet?
No, I couldn't go.
Ok, then when you close the checkout, you will go for lunch,
because you have to.
So, at last, the cashier is in a hurry, because she is hungry.
It's my turn, and I think, I won’t fail here, I’m good at this.
Relax, we´ll be out of here soon.
Now it's my turn and right there I screw it up, because,
please people, next time you go to the supermarket alone, remember me.
You have to pass before the cart.
No, the cart before you, because you cannot take your stuff out.
I moved forward and I realized I screwed up.
These people have already moved forward.
And I had said I was good at this, so...
One believes to fit between the cart and the checkout.
Don't worry, I can do it.
Right in the middle you get stuck.
No, I don’t fit in, oops!
Now I start passing my things, and the old lady is hungry.
The code of everything is ok.
And then we realize the pandemic took us something very valuable.
The kids packing your bags.
I never realized how stupid I was.
Until you missed these people.
I liked them, because they looked like a mafia.
They stood up like this.
They did the same casting you did.
José, go to checkout 22, now.
And a guy came in.
Let me help you, lady.
If you are treated as a lady.
Back in my college days, I remember I was on the bus.
I rang the doorbell, but the driver wouldn't stop.
I get off here.
I... Sir...
I get off here.
Suddenly a guy on the bus starts shouting.
"Hey, you asshole, the lady wants to get off!"
And I was like…
As I got off, I said: “My phone number is…”
So, I am gathering all my supermarket stuff by myself.
Besides, I took my bags. I took two bags, but I bought stuff for five bags.
But it doesn't matter.
I sort of play Tetris, trying to put my stuff in the bags.
The old lady goes fast and I'm going fast.
Then you realize you put bleach and meat all together.
Who fucking cares?
You arrive home and say, “now meat is disinfected”.
You know, I love having girlfriends.
Having girlfriends is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman.
Women are very good, when we want to, with other women.
You can talk with your friends by using sort of telepathy.
You look at them, they immediately know what I am thinking about.
From far away you do like this…
And she knows exactly what…
And what's more, we women have a secret code,
not many people know about.
Every so often one of your friend will tell you.
“I’ll go to the restroom, am I blood stained?”
Yeah, sure, go. We have a period like walk.
And it is not a normal walk.
It's like: Okay, I'm coming.
And your friend doesn't even move for a second.
She looks and does…
I've done that with my husband.
Honey,
can you check if I am blood stained. I’ll go to the restroom.
"No." Why not?
No, I don't know how to look at that. I do not know where to look.
Down there, Pedro.
I did not know you had that thing here.
It's not that hard. Look, I'm going to go to the restroom
and I did my period like walk to him.
He was looking at me like this.
It’s all right!
I like to gossip with my girlfriends too.
We are pretty good at that, aren't we?
It is a gift bestowed upon us.
We are pretty good at gossiping, so your friend calls you at 4:00 PM and says:
“Honey”. What? what?
“I need to tell you something!”
“You´re going to love this!”
And one feels excited!
Yeah, ok, tell me.
I'm sitting down. Tell me.
“No, I have to tell you this face to face”.
As if she was disclosing a secret from the police or something.
Okay, you will tell me face to face.
You will come over to my house tonight.
I will prepare some snacks and you're going to tell me.
The night is almost upon you. She arrives, and you say: “Hello”.
“Hello. You look beautiful”.
Just a minute, I'm going to prepare snacks.
Don’t start without me.
What?
“B-I-T-C-H”.
What?
“Ok, remember the other day I went to a party you didn't want to go to”.
“Good thing you didn't go, because it was really boring”.
“Well, I was sitting there, and all of a sudden, I noticed”.
“As it was boring, I kind of started to look closely at people,
you know I do that”.
“So I started to look at people and in a corner I could see ‘La Negra’”.
“I said, weird, because she never comes to these parties, but never mind”.
“So, I noticed she was there, and that was a crazy thing”.
“All of a sudden, and don't ask me why, really, don’t”.
“But I had an intuition that there was something wrong with her”,
“I could see it in her face”.
“And because I'm a Sagittarius. So look”.
“I saw her, and I said to myself, ‘mmm’”.
“This looks weird, but I played dumb”.
“Then, she stood up, and walks in front and goes to the restroom”.
“So I said, ‘mmm I will go to the restroom with her’”.
“Look, this is what I did”.
“But I have to stand up to tell you. So, I stood up”.
“I went on to the restroom, and she was kind of washing her hands”.
And I was like "Mhm, mhm, mhm".
“She was washing her hands and I said ‘Hello, how are you?’”
“She said, ‘I’m good. How about you?’ And I said to her ‘Good, too’”.
“That was the conversation, but I sensed something was going on”.
“So, I stood there and I said, ‘it’s good you're okay’”.
“’That’s good, right?’, she said”.
“Oh, wait, now I remember the restroom had the mirror”
“we saw the other day, and I took a picture of it”.
“You ask me about that later, but it looked pretty good”.
“Then I asked her, ‘are you okay?’”
“And then she said, ‘I'm actually not that well’”.
“I mean...”
“I'm not rejoicing about that”.
“But she kind of says to me. ‘Hey, I'm not that ok’”.
“And I said to her ‘why, what happened to you?’”
“And then, on a second thought”.
“’What happened to you?’ I got sympathetic”.
“And then she said... you, Bitch! And she said to me... she said...”
What did she fucking say?
“Bitch, are you ready for this shit?”
I've been ready since 4 o'clock this afternoon.
She said, I'm not that good, because I haven't felt good.
Don't be happy, I said.
Wait a minute!!!
Because I am P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T!
No way!
Yes, bitch, but wait!
So, what did you tell her? I told her, a child is always a blessing.
I started talking nonsense, I started to get nervous.
I asked her, how many months? She said 14 weeks, get the numbers.
I already said I studied at Duoc.
I hate when somebody does not make the numbers in months.
It’s not that hard. I was like “Emm, 14 weeks”.
Well, ok, if 4 weeks is a whole month.
One, two.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter!”
“What matters is the dates don't match”
“Because before she was with someone else. Who’s the father?”
“We will never know about it until the baby is born”.
“Look at the baby’s face and say: Ahhhhhh!”
We both looked at each other and said, “Ok”.
“Well, we are not entitled to judge”.
I have tried to do the same thing with my husband,
because men like gossiping, too.
My husband arrived home the other day and said to me: “Honey,
I've got you a good one!”
Whoaa! Let me prepare something.
“It’s not that big of a deal”.
Tell me.
"You know, Maria Paz and Javier."
"They broke up."
What?
"That’s all."
But Pedro.
"What? I thought you would like it."
Yes, but…
"What’s up? Maria Paz and Javier broke up."
But why is so? Pedro.
"I don't know. I don’t like asking shit of questions."
Thank you very much. Have a nice evening.
Thank you.
Thank you very much for coming.
Thank you very much.