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I'll be honest with you.
I'm a fantastic liar.
But I'm trying something new here.
I'm gonna try to tell the truth.
There's only one road into Mount Hiei.
Outsiders are rarely allowed in.
And it's taken me two years to get permission to visit.
I'm here to meet a monk
who's part of a secretive Buddhist sect.
But as I climb up this mountain,
I can't stop thinking
about the mess I've left back home.
I'm not the type of person
you'd expect to go to a Japanese monastery.
I'm not a Buddhist.
And I don't even meditate.
But I've been living a double life
and I thought by coming here, I'd find a way out.
I had no idea how complicated things were about to get.
This is Kamahori.
The reason I'm here.
He's been chosen for the Kaihogyo.
One of the most dangerous rituals in Buddhism.
He must walk a marathon nearly every night
for 7 years.
If he fails for any reason,
he's vowed to commit suicide.
But if he survives,
he'll become a living Buddha.
Kamahori has dedicated his life to pursuing enlightenment.
The highest form of truth.
And that's why I've come here.
To speak with him.
But there's a problem.
Kamahori has taken a vow of silence.
So, we just sit like this.
Kamahori comes from a long line of Tendai monks
who have lived on this mountain for 1,200 years.
All Buddhist monks seek alignment.
But these monks are different.
They believe it can only be attained
through acts of extreme physical endurance.
The monks claim they walk all night,
and can go months without sleep.
Much of Tendai's teachings are secret.
And most rules have not been written down.
It's only on this mountain that knowledge is passed directly
between teacher and student.
Since Kamahori won't talk to anyone,
I meet with a monk known as a saintly master
of the severe practice.
I've been secluded on this mountain for twelve years.
Even if my parents die, I can't leave.
After I entered the monastery
I sometimes asked myself, "Why did I come here?"
During the Kaihogyo
we embark on a pilgrimage
where we push ourselves to our limits.
It's not an ascetic practice of walking.
We walk in order to visit places of worship.
It takes seven or eight years to complete.
If you translate the distance into kilometers
it's the same as the circumference of the earth.
Giving up before finishing means
that you have to commit suicide.
It's strange to say this but...
you can achieve anything you are willing to die for.
The path to enlightenment seems like a lot of work.
So I ask him if he has any advice
for ordinary people like me.
You are asking how we feel about ordinary people?
People are...
controlled by their desires.
We reject those desires completely.
My master once said
"Do something difficult rather than something easy."
You must be able to tolerate undesirable situations.
If you're running away, you haven't overcome weakness.
Letting go of my desires feels impossible.
I decide to take a chance
and talk about what's really on my mind.
I ask him if he's ever been in love.
I don't understand why you are asking me that question.
I don't understand the intention.
I asked this monk
if he's ever felt loss in his life.
I don't want to talk about personal feelings.
I want to know if he ever has any regrets.
I don't...
quite understand the question.
If we keep everything in the open
people filming may misinterpret the information.
That's why we don't show everything.
Some aspects are kept secret
because if you're not ready to see
you won't understand the meaning.
I thought that by talking to the monks,
I could learn from their wisdom.
But I need to find a different approach.
I'm gonna immerse myself in Kamahori's practice
and follow him on his nightly walks.
If enlightenment is achieved through walking,
maybe this is the best way to learn.
I've been circling this mountain for over a month.
And even though I walk almost every night,
I've never seen Kamahori eat
drink, or take a break.
I only followed him for a fraction of the distance,
and yet I'm the one who's exhausted.
And no matter how much time we spend together,
he never acknowledges me.
With no one to talk to, I think about
why I've spent my life running away from religion,
and how I ended up here.
The longer he's silent,
the more desperate I am to talk to him.
I search for clues as to what he's thinking or feeling.
Though most of the time,
I'm just staring at the back of his head.
I was starting to feel like this was going nowhere.
When I get some news.
I'm invited to witness the sacred ritual
called Gotai Tochi.
Every monk aspiring to be like Kamahori
must pass this test.
The monks have never allowed outsiders into this room.
And I can tell my presence makes them nervous.
In honor of our founder
a monk must cleanse his soul.
It's like a test.
We place elbows, knees and forehead
on the floor to show utmost respect.
You must continue until you see Buddha
or until you're dead.
These are the only two options.
Being in this room feels oddly familiar.
I used to pray like this when I was a kid.
Five times a day until I felt like I was in a trance.
My mom told me that if I missed even a single prayer,
I'd end up in hell.
So I prayed as much as I could.
I pressed my head into the ground until it hurt.
I wanted to bruise my forehead
to prove to her that I was devoted.
As I'm thinking about home,
something happens.
- Now he's saying, don't film him. - Ah, okay.
We're escorted out of the monastery.
I try to apologize, but the monks are furious.
Can I have your camera? I don't know.
I hope we have everything.
I could've sworn my phone was on vibrate.
I feel like the monks were just starting to trust me.
Now, they must think I'm a complete idiot.
When I get to the hotel,
I call my mom back.
Why is it so dark in our picture?
- Peace be upon you. - How are you?
I'm fine, praise be to God.
Smile a bit and show us.
Sorry. It's just been a stressful time.
How will you sort out the monks' project?
Yes, how will you wind it up?
I haven't...
figured it out.
Well, if they're doing this, then you have to take it as a refusal.
They are ill-mannered. First the camera... They could do anything, they are dangerous.
You are endangering yourself by going there.
How do they live? Do they live in the mountains?
Daddy made a fantastic suggestion and I think he is right.
What's Dad's suggestion?
It is unproductive labor, effort.
You could've completed many other things during this time.
Now leave this behind, just complete it, that's all.
Okay, God willing, it'll be fine, don't worry.
Trim your mustache a little?
- Mom, I've hat it for ten years! - Really?
No, no, please trim it.
Dad has a lot of theories about what makes labor productive.
And none of them involve making this film.
These days, we can't seem to agree on anything.
But it wasn't always like that.
It's hard to imagine that as a kid,
I wanted to be just like him.
Growing up in Saudi Arabia,
my dream was to grow a beard
longer than my grandfather's
and to become the greatest religious prophet in the world.
I idolized the Imams on TV.
Back then, my world was small.
This was my neighborhood.
This was the countryside.
This is where we went to the beach.
And this is how everyone prayed.
On my 10th birthday, my dad told me that
God was throwing a huge fireworks display
in my honor.
But the truth was, the Gulf War had started.
Afraid the violence would spread,
my parents moved us to the other side of the world.
We ended up in a place I'd never heard of.
A small Irish town called Cavan.
Everything was different, and I loved it.
This was my new neighborhood.
This was the countryside.
This was what the beach was like.
And this is how everyone prayed.
Bring us to everlasting life.
Then puberty hit.
And I changed.
My parents changed too.
They became scared.
Scared that I would stray away from Islam,
and lose my Muslim identity.
So they enforced a religious rule for every aspect of life.
And I was told that breaking the rules
meant going to hell.
Food could only be touched with my right hand.
The bathroom, only entered with my left foot.
Toe.
You've got the wrong foot coming forward.
Even drinking water became complicated.
I had to sit, pray,
and take at least 3 sips.
Otherwise, it was considered a sin.
My home had turned into a prison that I couldn't escape.
That's when I started lying.
At first, it was small things.
Yes, mom. I'm eating with my right hand.
Of course. I walked into the bathroom with my left foot.
Yep. I took three gulps of water.
After graduating college, I ran away to America.
I'd tell my parents what they wanted to hear.
That I was a good Muslim boy.
The lies grew with time.
But now, I have a lie so big,
that even I'm intimidated by it.
I've been hiding the woman I love,
for 6 years,
who I recently became engaged to.
Dawn.
This is all really confusing
If I tell my parents the truth, I'll lose them.
But if I do nothing, I could lose Dawn.
And without a solution,
I just can't face going back home.
I need to return to the mountain.
As crazy as it sounds,
I still believe Kamahori can help me with all this.
Some parts of the monastery are open to the public.
So I do the only thing I can think of.
I become a tourist.
Why submit to such a strict religious practice?
Because you can become a better person.
Someone who is free from greed and desire.
And can live a life of peace.
I'm not sure what I was hoping to find by coming here.
Before leaving, I stopped by the gift shop
to get Dawn a postcard.
And I'm glad I did because that's how I met Ryushin.
I'm in charge of calligraphy writing.
Personally, I like to move around and be outside.
But I have to stay here for work.
Sometimes, I don't have time to use the restroom or eat my meals.
At first, I'm very focused.
But after making over 100 copies
I start to zone out. I start to become dizzy.
I'm trying to feel this is fun.
I don't want to say I like this work.
But this is given by, you know...
the main temple. It's my job, so...
I'm trying to think this is my job.
So, I don't want to say I don't like this, but...
actually I don't like this. It is boring.
Is there something else you want to do?
Yeah, many things.
I wanna go out, I wanna see many people.
But I feel like I'm living in a cage.
Ryushin tells me there's about 100 monks on the mountain.
And that he's the lowest ranked.
He doesn't seem like the kind of monk
who can offer spiritual guidance
or help solve my problems.
But right now,
he's my only chance to get to the monastery.
So, I ask him if I can follow him
for the next few days.
Ryushin explains to me that he has no influence
and can't get me back into the monastery.
Even though his father and grandfather
are also monks,
he says he feels like an outsider.
He is the only monk who will talk to me, and I sense that
I'm the only person who will listen to him.
If the monastery finds out that we're together,
Ryushin could be in trouble.
But he's eager to tell me his story, so...
we continue to meet in secret.
I became a monk 10 years ago.
Before I became a monk I worked at a security company.
I built up stress from work
and had a breakup with my girlfriend.
I was lost.
I was suffering so much mentally.
I thought about killing myself.
I tried to commit suicide but couldn't do it.
I tried listening to piano and relaxation music to cope.
Things like the sound of a river and birds chirping.
It didn't work for me at all.
Heavy metal represents my crying heart.
I had never listened to anything like it.
I don't know how to explain it.
Depression makes you feel down.
But you're accumulating so much energy.
The explosion of that energy is metal music.
My favorites are Slipknot.
Slayer.
Megadeth.
I'm home.
- They want to film us talking. - You and me? - Yes.
- Where is he from? - From the US.
Ryushin lives with his grandparents by the mountain.
His grandfather has Alzheimer's now, but was one of the most powerful monks
at the monastery.
Now that he's retired,
Ryushin is the last remaining monk in the family.
And he's expected to take over the family temple.
Do you want to chant with me?
Why don't you pray with me?
Let's do it together.
- Can you move forward? - Sit in the front?
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Before I became a monk asked my grandfather,
"What should I do with my life?"
He said, "You understand pain and suffering."
"So, go be a monk."
Every Friday in Saudi Arabia, my dad and I would pray together.
Prayer time was announced by the local mosques,
and the sound could be heard all over the city.
But in Ireland, there were no mosques at all.
So, my mom bought her own mosque.
Well...
it was a clock designed to go off at each prayer time.
But the clock was broken
and started going off all the time.
Sometimes in the middle of the night.
When my sisters and I protested,
mom explained that God broke the clock.
That it was all part of his divine plan
for us to pray at these random hours.
Once I left home, I stopped praying.
I would lie and say that I pray all the time.
Every day I call the monastery to ask
if I can return.
And each time they tell me, they're still discussing it.
To pass time,
Ryushin gives me a tour of Kyoto.
He shows me some of his favorite spots.
And I learn that we have a shared religion.
If you could be a desert, what desert would you be?
Maybe...
I can't remember... but I like it.
I love it.
- It's creme something... - Crème brulée.
Yeah! Crème brulée.
- You'd be a crème brulée? - I want to be like that.
- Why? - Because I love it.
Don't you think? It's really good.
And with vanilla ice cream on it it's beautiful.
Crème buhlay...
We say crème buhlay Crème brulée.
Buhlay.
A few days later, the monastery calls.
The monks have made their decision
and they're inviting me back.
No one mentions the phone debacle.
But this time, things feel different.
I'm assigned a minder
who gives me a detailed list
of what I'm allowed to film.
The biggest news is that Kamahori
is now able to speak to me.
But first, I have to attend a class
on Buddhist manners.
It feels like I'm being tested.
We'll teach you the Buddhist way of eating.
We'd like to break your bad habits.
Please hold a bowl when you eat.
You don't drink soup like a dog.
Every meal comes with two pickles.
After eating your meal, you can eat one pickle.
You leave one pickle in the smallest bowl.
You'll be strictly following the rules.
I'd probably eat both pickles
because I have no self control.
The question I keep thinking about is
do I have to make all the sacrifices
to be a good Muslim.
The next ritual I'm told to film shows how far
some of the monks are willing to go for their faith.
Once the door is shut,
they'll be in complete darkness for 3 months.
I want to know what they do all day.
So I asked their master to demonstrate.
As a kid, I was forced to memorize the Quran.
I'd have to chant for hours on end.
Nobody told me what the words meant
or why we repeated them.
And I was never allowed to question it.
We chant like this endlessly.
- So it's only "Namu Amida Butsu"? - Yes.
I thought the chant was
followed by some other words.
I just keep chanting the same phrase.
Endlessly.
That's how it goes.
My next meeting is with a high-ranking monk.
But instead of talking about enlightenment, I ask him
if anyone here ever questions their faith?
I came to Mount Hiei and became my master's disciple
47 or 48 years ago.
I will never forget what my master told me.
He said, "Crows are white."
It was shocking.
Even when our master made a false statement
we weren't allowed to tell him that he was wrong.
We were only allowed to respond "yes."
During the training, do people really not sleep for 90 days?
They can sleep because no one is watching them.
We officially say we don't sleep for 90 days.
But everybody knows that as a human being...
- Of course. - You would die.
- Did you do that practice? - Yeah, I did it.
I slept eight hours a day.
I was so sleepy.
For several weeks, I've been asking to rejoin Kamahori.
But the monks say, I'm not ready.
They take me from temple to temple.
And I film whatever I'm told to.
Some days, it's a monk in front of a tree.
Other days, it's a lecture into 3,000 realities
in a single moment of consciousness.
And sometimes,
It's just a monk making some toast.
- We can try and go meet him. - That's amazing.
I've done everything the monks have asked me to do.
And I'm finally given the green light to follow Kamahori again.
A Muslim follows a Buddhist monk up a mountain.
It may sound like the start of a bad joke.
But this is my life now.
I've never really felt comfortable talking to an Imam.
My own religion just brings up too much fear
of judgment and guilt.
I thought by coming here it would be easier
to talk to someone outside my faith.
But I'm beginning to realize
I might have made things even harder on myself.
Kamahori makes it seem so effortless.
But trying to keep up with him is embarrassing.
My crew has been dragging heavy equipment
up and down this mountain for weeks.
Everyone's exhausted and getting on each other's nerves.
The monks tell me that I'll be able to speak to Kamahori soon.
So I show up every night
I hope they're starting to see how committed I am.
Hey! Stop that!
- What's wrong? - Are you playing around?
With your light from behind he can't see his steps.
Try it.
Do it yourself and turn around.
Can you see your feet?
- Can you? - I don't know how else to film.
It's dangerous not to be able to see your feet.
We were told that we can light it from behind.
Who said that?
I understand, but please don't get mad.
I will get mad. The practitioner is risking his life.
Nothing feels worse than being yelled at by a monk.
We're kicked out again, and told to never return.
I spend the night walking around in circles
replaying the argument in my head.
The monks are really confusing to me.
Nobody told us we couldn't use a light.
When I get back to the hotel, it hits me.
I failed our test.
The next day Ryushin sneaks me into the monastery.
I tell him what happened, and I ask him
If I'm a fool, or if all monks are this strict.
In here?
Not all of the people...
Not all of the monks in Japan.
It's just the monks in here.
Because I feel like... coldness.
You know, I feel coldness when speaking to monks in here.
Or...
I don't feel mercy, I don't feel...
compassion.
Welcome to Depression Room.
Okay, you can come inside. Please.
I tell Ryushin
that I didn't come here just to talk about monks.
I needed advice on some more personal issues
on my mind recently.
So, my parents don't know
that I'm marrying someone outside my faith.
I think it would completely crush them.
Do you have any advice for me?
I don't think so.
I don't know. I don't have any clue.
I just stay here and pick up the phone
when someone calls this temple.
Sometimes they ask at what time the temple opens,
at what time the temple closes, or sometimes...
"Please say hello to Buddha."
So I just say, "Okay",
your wish has come true." Or something like that.
I have to pick up the phone. But I don't want to.
Because if I take it they always, like, cry...
They ask me questions like, "What is life?"
Or, "What is the meaning of the planet?"
I just listen to them. Then I say, "Okay, yes."
"Okay, okay, bye."
Why did you even become a monk?
I just wanted to do the same things that the ancient people did.
I think the main reason why I chose to be a monk
is that I wanted to help someone.
Will you be able to help me some day?
I think so, yeah. In the future, I think.
I should do because I'm a monk.
I told Ahsen a million times that
filming my life is not funny.
I don't think my life is interesting.
Because I'm not funny. I'm not enjoying my life.
I want to change something but I don't think I can do it soon.
Why would you be staying any longer?
Because I have no movie without it.
I have to do something.
Okay, well...
Are you...
Are you still planning to talk to your parents?
Invite them to the wedding?
I... Yes, of course.
Okay, are you sure?
Yeah, look, I promise you.
I'm going to call my mom tomorrow.
Telling my parents I'm getting married
isn't as simple as it sounds.
They're from another world.
My parents got married 40 years ago
in a tiny village in Pakistan.
My mom was 18 years old,
and she'd never been alone with a man in her life.
In their village, men and women
weren't even allowed to be in the same room.
And people caught having sex outside of marriage
could be stoned to death.
For them, relationships with the opposite sex
only happened in marriage.
And marriage only happens with other Muslims.
And Dawn is not a Muslim.
So, I lie.
Can you see my picture?
No, I can't see you.
Mon, if I...
What would you do...
if I met a woman who wasn't Muslim?
What would you think?
The Prophet said people marry for three reasons.
A woman's health,
her beauty
or her religion.
So you should marry a religious woman.
But I don't want to marry just for religion.
I want to meet
someone I love.
And her religion makes no difference to you?
I feel regret and sadness.
But you will only understand this when you read the Quran.
This is our manual.
Given to us by God.
God willing.
There's a sutra that monks shouldn't listen to music.
They will ban me. Kick me out of the temple.
But I don't want to deny myself.
I just want to be happy.
I want to have a happy life, that's all.
It's about loving someone so much you love them to death.
This is where my microphone breaks.
But I don't care because for the first time on this trip,
I'd forget about my problems.
And I realize that I've made a friend.
What are you doing there Ryushin?
I'm searching Amazon.
For the iPad?
The accessories.
- Why do you want an iPad? - Sorry?
Why do you want an iPad?
No reason, I just want it.
Play a video game?
No. Just an iPad, I want it.
You desire it.
I'm desire monk.
What are you looking at?
I'm looking up New Zealand pictures.
Because I want to be a farmer.
In the future, in New Zealand. Like a sheep farmer.
Sheep.
Why a sheep farmer?
Well, it looks peaceful...
and silent.
You don't have to think about so many things, that's all.
And I love New Zealand.
I love the life in New Zealand.
So I want to go back.
That's the reason.
Ryushin tells me that he spent a year studying abroad in New Zealand.
It's where he learned English, discovered heavy metal,
and fell in love with sheep.
And for the first time in his life, he felt free.
He planned on living there, but his father demanded
that he return home to take care of the family temple.
He doesn't know it yet, but I have a surprise for him.
Sit.
Oh, my God!
- This sheep likes to jump. - This sheep?
- The sheep are not gonna hurt you at all. - I know.
You are the master of the sheep, remember.
I told you I don't have anything.
It turns out that until today,
Ryushin had never seen sheep in real life.
It was all just a fantasy.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
Like Ryushin's dream of living among sheep,
I'm starting to think that finding answers at a monastery
is also a fantasy.
I need to get back to my life in Los Angeles.
I'm getting married soon,
and I can't wait around hoping the monks will forgive me.
Before leaving, Ryushin throws me a farewell party.
I bought this table and the grill
one week ago for tonight.
And I'm so excited to use a new one.
Delicious sake.
I bought it in Yamagata.
Sake.
Do monks usually drink?
I think we are not supposed to drink alcohol.
It's kind of against the law, the Buddhist way.
I know I shouldn't drink.
As a monk.
What would monks say if they found out you are drinking?
"Abandoned."
They'll punish me, I don't know. But they can't punish me
because I know they drink.
Watching a vegetarian monk
devour 5 pounds of steak and get drunk
makes me a little envious.
Unlike me, Ryushin's comfortable living with his contradictions.
You want some?
- Do you drink often? - I don't drink anymore.
Why not?
Partly because of Islam.
I had a health scare, like, two years ago.
And then I started...
I was afraid of dying.
Everyone dies.
Are you afraid of death?
Well, I want to die.
I'm in so much pain.
I know that many people are in more pain than me.
But I think I enjoyed my life already.
So, it's okay, you know, if someone shoots me.
If a stone comes out of the air...
that's okay, I have no regrets.
- I think about death every morning I wake. - Do you?
It's the first thing I...
He thinks about death every morning
when he wakes up.
Really?
He's afraid of dying.
He was raised a Muslim.
I see.
- Is he Muslim? - Yes, he is.
But he doesn't pray five times a day. He feels guilty.
You know, I still haven't told my parents about Dawn.
No?
Oh yeah, I knew that.
Who cares? It's okay.
If you go to hell, I will go to hell to help you.
Don't worry.
I'll ask my Buddha.
"There's Ahsen Nadeem, he's going to hell."
"Would you mind helping him?"
He will help you
because you've got a kind...
Let's hope we both don't go to hell.
Hello, and welcome to the wedding of Dawn and Ahsen.
You are the most important people to them.
And so, to have you here witness their marriage
is a great gift.
As soon as the Imam started singing,
I recognized the prayer.
My mom used to recite it when I was a kid.
And it's the first time I've heard it since leaving home.
Oh god, bless Dawn and Ahsen
with faith, love and happiness in this world and the next.
Bless this couple with the strength to forgive each other's shortcomings.
Amen.
Now I pronounce you husband and wife.
3 years went by.
And I never told my parents that I got married.
Dawn pretended it wasn't an issue.
And I was happy not to bring it up.
But it was getting harder and harder to keep up the facade.
I had to maintain elaborate systems to keep my wife a secret.
I blocked my relatives from social media.
I created separate email accounts.
And I even kept two phones.
One for my life, and the other for my parents.
The shame of doing all this in front of Dawn grew.
And it started to take a toll on our relationship.
I'd given up on trying to tell my parents.
I'd given up on the movie.
And I'd given up on myself.
I was lost.
There was only one person I thought might understand.
My only connection to the monastery was Ryushin.
We hadn't talked in years.
But his tweets brought news of all the important spiritual issues
on the mountain.
Hello.
Moshi moshi.
What happened to you?
After so many years,
it feels great to catch up with Ryushin.
Dawn and I are now married for 3 years now.
And...
I still haven't...
told my parents.
You haven't yet?
No.
Oh. I see.
It's an earthquake happening here.
Oh!
It's okay. It's okay.
I didn't want you to die.
You know, life is not long. Life is really short.
If you don't deal with a problem in this life
that problem will be delayed into the next life.
How can I say? I haven't spoken English in years.
So I can't speak well.
You speak great English.
I've never seen Ryushin so monk-like.
He tells me that his life is transformed
after witnessing Kamahori complete
one of the final stages of the Kaihogyo.
A 9-day fast
without food, water, or sleep.
The monks hosted a funeral for him in case he died.
And the ceremony was broadcast live on TV.
After 9 days,
he was carried out of his temple half dead.
He's now considered a living Buddha
and a God on earth.
Ryushin thinks that if I had been there, it would've changed my life too.
He tells me about an upcoming public festival
where Kamahori will be making a rare appearance.
If you come back to Japan, you might be able to speak to him.
If you give up this time, you won't see him.
You won't get an interview in the future.
The choice is yours.
How do you feel about me going back to Japan?
It's funny how asking so many questions about
these monks, and their practice and why they're doing what they're doing...
has strangely been...
a compass back to yourself.
I didn't even know
until we had been dating for...
probably 3 years or something...
that you even cared about being Muslim.
I think the only time I even started to understand
was when we were talking about getting married.
I didn't get it, you know?
Like, why not tell your parents? Stand up for who you are.
What do you have to lose?
And then I started to understand.
You really believe that you will go to hell.
You really believe all the stories that your mom
and dad used to tell you. That you're...
that you're bad.
It was really ingrained in you since you were a very small kid.
That you're bad, you're not worthy.
And that God will punish you.
You're not allowed to have a happy life.
And I was like,
if he doesn't know who he is, how can I fully invest
in a future with this person?
Because maybe he'll pull a rug out from under my feet one day
and be like, you know, I was wrong.
I have to break off this marriage because...
my parents are right. I should get married to a Muslim.
Look, I'm never gonna do anything like that.
I think we can't continue in the way that we've been.
The festival is tomorrow,
and I'm anxious because I never got permission to come.
But I'm not the only one who is worried.
Ryushin is even more nervous than I am.
Tomorrow's festival includes an important test for him.
If he passes, he'll get a promotion
And finally end the terrible jobs he's been stuck in for years.
I want to be a real monk.
I want to do the same things that the ancient people did.
Most of the people,
I can feel what they feel, what they think about me.
What do you think the other monks think of you?
That I'm just weak, depressed, dumb.
Someone told me, "You are a 70 % person."
"You are just half a person."
People just don't understand what I feel.
The monks are making a pilgrimage to a holy site 20 miles away.
It takes 12 hours in sweltering heat.
Only one man doesn't seem tired.
That is Kamahori.
Kamahori's strength has had a major influence on Ryushin's life.
But when I look over at my friend, I see he's really struggling.
As I'm setting up for my next shot,
my old minder shows up out of nowhere.
He tells me, it's not a good idea for me to be here.
And I figure now is not the time to ask for a meeting with Kamahori.
Even though we're on public streets,
he relegates us to a street corner.
And we're told to keep our distance.
We're not allowed to go beyond this point.
About halfway through the festival,
Ryushin's injured and forced to drop out.
He doesn't get his promotion.
Why don't you quit?
It's really hard.
I have to look after my grandfather.
And grandmother, too.
And also my parents.
So I cannot leave the monastery until my parents have died.
No matter where he is or what he's doing,
Ryushin comes home every evening to bathe his grandfather.
He never misses a day.
I haven't been home in 10 years.
But I still talk to my mom every week.
She always asks the same question.
When are you coming home?
I was supposed to be back home in LA a week ago.
But I don't want to leave before I can talk to Kamahori.
Now I'm stranded because of a storm.
And it's the worst typhoon to hit Japan in 20 years.
I've given you
years of no pressure.
You, by not telling your parents... I've had to go along with your...
your duplicity.
I've been patient for you
to have your process of coming out to your parents.
To me your actions show me that
you're not being honest about what you want in your life.
Also in terms of having a family.
It shows me that you don't actually want a family, and never did.
I just nee to have from you a clear message
about what it is you want.
I've never seen her so disappointed.
I can't stick around any longer.
I need to get back home.
So, when the storm passes, I get in my car.
It's time to do what I came here for.
Today, I'm gonna show up to Kamahori's temple unannounced.
It's the last time I'm gonna climb this fucking mountain.
Are we supposed to follow him?
After a couple of questions, the monk in charge lets us through.
It's surprisingly easy.
Thank you.
- Thank you for our meal. - Thank you for our meal. - Yes.
- Excuse us. - Excuse us. - Yes.
I'm told Kamahori can only speak with me for 15 minutes.
But first, I have to wait in silence.
Because it's lunchtime.
Thanks for giving me this opportunity.
To be honest, I didn't think you would see me today.
Sorry, for showing up at your temple unannounced.
I've just been waiting for this moment for five years and it's...
It's a great honor to be in your presence.
I became interested in you because
your discipline and devotion
is similar to what's asked of me from my religion, Islam.
Not so much walking, I mean...
Nobody walks like guys, so that's obvious.
Anyway, the first thing I want to know is,
now that you've reached enlightenment,
what wisdom can you share with me?
I've completed all the important stages of my practice,
but it's hard for me to tell
if I've reached enlightenment.
To attain spiritual enlightenment
is the ultimate goal as a monk.
During the 1000 day Kaihogyo ritual
we don't actually walk the entire 1000 days.
We save 25 days
because we haven't attained spiritual enlightenment yet.
25 days are left to remind you that
you have to work for your entire life to get there.
I should be thinking about my next question.
But instead, I'm thinking about my conversation with Dawn.
So, I just start talking.
I tell him that I was raised in a strict Muslim household,
but I ran off to the United States
and got married, and my parents had no idea.
And if I tell them they'll be crushed and never speak to me again.
But if I don't tell them, my wife will never speak to me again.
And there's no solution,
and really more than anything, I'm just terrified.
I think we should move on. You had another question?
- We have ten more minutes. - Okay. Sorry...
I guess, what I want to know is
if you've ever had to fix a situation like mine in your life.
Have you ever had to choose between love and tradition?
Well, you know
Someone is calling.
As Kamahori is on the phone, we're told that our time is up.
And just like that, the interview is over.
After spilling my guts on the top of the mountain,
I was devastated that I had spent five years chasing Kamahori.
It was embarrassing that after so much time,
I hadn't really learned anything.
On my drive back,
I think about all the lies I've told my parents,
and the strain that it's put on my marriage.
The truth is
the biggest lie I have been telling is to myself.
That I could solve my problems by running away.
When I started this film, I had no idea
how much my own story would be part of it.
But now my life and the film are intertwined.
And the only way to finish the story is to tell the truth.
Watching how close you are to your family,
and how honest you are about your life, made me...
made me want to make some big changes in my own life.
So...
I'm going to tell my parents...
about Dawn.
Really?
I didn't mean to... I didn't...
I didn't want to change your life by myself.
But it's nice to hear that.
I'm very scared to tell them.
Yeah. Yeah.
I can imagine.
I cried more in the last 2 months
than I've done in my entire life.
Because?
Because I've been hiding this thing for so long.
Yeah.
I didn't realize...
I didn't realize how much pain I was carrying inside of me.
So you have trained, you have done the practice so much.
So you graduated the practice like a monk.
So you can have the praise. You should be praised.
And you should praise yourself.
And, yeah...
your practice just ended.
Congratulations.
How are you feeling?
It's been good to get all my outfits in line.
I still don't know what I'm gonna wear.
There's still time to get a burka.
I feel a little crazy today.
It's a long time coming.
I think the interesting part of this conversation with them is that
you're allowing them to have their reaction.
But the hardest thing is just that I don't know if you should film them.
Like, you are showing up after all these years,
putting a camera in their face and telling them...
Hey, I haven't been honest with you
and now I want to take your reaction,
- and, you know, use it for my film. - Yeah.
It seems really kind of cruel and unusual to do that.
At the same time,
I don't know how else you would tell the story
without doing that.
Maybe they'll appreciate having the camera there
to vindicate themselves and be like,
you are a terrible son, and this is gonna be on record.
Sounds like it won't work in my favor.
Well, I know, but
How are you? How was your journey?
- It was good. - You took a bit longer.
- Yes. - We were expecting you a bit earlier.
- I got lost. - You got lost?
- Yes. - I hope you are not lost
for some other things as well.
Mom?
Do you miss us sometimes in America, Ahsen?
As we miss you?
Sometimes I worry because you don't have a proper general Islamic education.
Heaven is only for those who die a Muslim.
You should marry a good Muslim girl, have children and...
you should have a family life
and not be alone. That's why I'm worried about you.
About these things.
Marriage to... a non-Muslim
is not allowed in Islam.
Sit up straight so it looks good on camera.
We shouldn't slump.
Ahsen, please start quickly.
Don't pressure him.
Take one.
In the name of God, the most gracious and merciful.
Mom, I was very close to you when I was growing up.
I remember, you were my best friend.
I feel, when I went to college,
that we started drifting apart.
Yes, yes. This is true, Ahsen.
Yes, this is how it turned out.
Sometimes, when I'd tell your dad, he'd say,
"Ahsen will change, don't worry."
Dad didn't have the same worry, but I was in a lot of pain.
How did you feel when I decided to move to America?
It was very disturbing to me. Yes.
That's right.
People would say they've heard rumors
that you have a son as well.
People still ask me, "Why does he never visit home?"
Um...
The reason I'm here in Ireland is because I wanted to...
not have any more secrets anymore.
I've been hiding from you.
Since I was a kid.
Why is that?
Um, I think I was really just
scared of your disapproval and losing...
losing your love.
I want to share something with you
that's been on my heart and consciousness.
It's the reason why I'm in Ireland, why I want to start telling the truth.
Living with the truth, God willing.
And living with the consequences of that.
And being close to you guys.
You're always close to us, Ahsen.
You're always in our heart.
In our prayer, and we love you
as you're part of our flesh and blood.
Blood that runs in your veins is our blood.
Please sit.
You are with us.
I... I found...
I found someone I love.
And...
I've been married...
But I was scared to tell you.
Marriage!
Since when? For how long?
I've married for 3 years.
Is she Muslim?
She's not a Muslim.
She came to Ireland as well and she wants to...
she wants to meet you.
That is what I was not expecting.
I want to have you in my life.
I don't want you...
to live separately anymore.
You took a decision in your life and made the wrong choice.
You couldn't find a girl of your own faith?
Just leave. Your film is complete.
You can link it with the monks.
I don't have much time now to go into this.
Now just pack this up. The film is done.
The end has happened.
There is no alternative ending.
God gave you a good mind.
We raised you well.
You chose the wrong way.
Kamahori's taking his final steps up the Kaihogyo.
His 7-year journey has come to an end.
All the monks are here to celebrate him.
It took me long to understand
what Kamahori told me during our interview.
They don't walk the entire Kaihogyo.
They leave 25 days incomplete.
As a reminder that our journey never really ends
and there's always more work to do.
I didn't really appreciate his words then. But I'm starting to now.
He helped me figure out that'll I'll probably never untangle
all the contradictions of my life and faith.
Ryushin isn't answering phones anymore.
He finally got his promotion.
And he's where he always wanted to be: out in the world helping people.
- It's specified as an incurable disease. - Really?
You should have gone to the hospital sooner.
Everyone says he's a great teacher.
And even though I was a pretty lousy student,
I like to think that I was his first.
Everyone has a different way of living their lives.
Buddha said the most important thing
is to respect each other.
Don't judge others.
We don't get to decide who is good or bad.
It's hard to do.
Our everyday life is a practice.
THERE IS NO GOD BUT ALLAH AND MUHAMMAD IS THE MESSENGER OF GOD.