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Man: The year was 1979.
My dad was at the top of his game.
He was a thrill seeker, a daredevil,
a man who, for 11 years, would keep the family name
synonymous with some of the greatest stunts ever attempted.
My dad... was not that guy.
Nope. We were the mckluskys.
My dad was the grandson of Albert mcklusky,
one of the great pioneers of... well, stuff like this...
And this.
Oh, and here's my favorite. Ooh! Bam!
All this culminated with my dad.
He was the best of the bunch.
Yep, when it came to performing at half-empty flea markets,
my father had no peer.
There's me, my mom, and my baby brother, Darryl.
And that guy teetering dangerously
on the roof of the Van...
He also happened to be my dad.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome a man
that evel knievel himself once called
a goddamned crazy bastard... Madman mcklusky!
Whooooaa!
Ha ha!
Ha ha.
That was a stunt! Done totally on purpose!
Honey, we have to talk.
Huh?
Little frank is totally obsessed.
All he does is talk about you and your accidents.
A-And lately, when I look in his eyes,
I see this strange...
Oop... you see the mcklusky stare.
All mckluskys have it, son...
Except for grandpa elmo mcklusky...
Blew his eyeballs out swallowing dynamite at a carnival.
Mad, I think, uh,
maybe we should scrap the jump.
What?
You give me one good goddamned reason why.
The boys and I... we assembled the motorcycle at... at lunchtime,
and we've been drunk since breakfast.
We kind of ran out of gasoline,
so we filled the tank with lighter fluid.
Just give me the damn odds.
There's a 99.999% probability you're gonna explode.
Give or take a beer.
Little frank, let me tell you something.
There's a couple of reasons why I never live my life by the odds.
Number one, you can't ever achieve anything
unless you take a risk.
And "b," I ain't so smart with math.
Madman: Ladies and gentlemen,
crowd chanting: Jump! Jump! Jump! Are you ready for the madman to... laugh at safety?
Ha ha!
Chanting: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Frank: When I saw my dad take off that day,
I knew one of two things was going to happen...
Either this jump was gonna put him all over the map...
Or it was gonna put him all over the parking lot.
Woman on pa: X-ray tech to I.C.U.
Mrs. Mcklusky? Yes.
It's your husband.
He's in an unconscious coma-type deal,
but with some of our radical, cutting-edge treatments
and, uh, a little help from the man upstairs,
I think we can revive him.
That is if your insurance were any damn good.
I see it every week... Small insurance company
gets hit with some phony, misguided claim.
They don't have the means to fight, so they fold.
Anyhoo, monty, ed, want to get me the vegetable in the jumpsuit
man: Yes, doctor. In the back there?
Excuse me.
What phony, misguided claim?
Excuse me. My name is Ronnie rosengold.
This is my brother Reggie rosengold.
We're of rosengold and rosengold, attorneys at law.
I'm sorry. You... you guys are related?
Yeah, my shit was adopted.
Yes.
We represent the crowd
that witnessed your husband's explosion today.
And well, we've filed a rather nasty
class-action suit against you.
But for what?
You never heard of 'motional stress and shit?
Do you realize my husband is not receiving proper medical treatment
because of your frivolous lawsuit?
Moving on...
Since madman technically was never airborne,
we're also suing you for false advertising.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. That's right.
Brothers don't play. We want the mon-ey.
Yeah.
Frank: As for me, that's when everything changed.
Mon-ey, hon-ey.
Ha ha ha.
Whoo! Ha ha.
Yes!
Frank: Hey, I can do the jump, mom.
No!
I will not let it happen again.
I won't sit by and let you or little Darryl
follow in your father's footsteps.
I swear... my family is always gonna be safe.
Frank: Well, mom kept her word.
She turned into the world's most safety-conscious parent,
and I turned into a 25-year-old virgin in a helmet.
Ahhh.
Morning, Mr. Belvedere.
Hey, dad. Going to work.
See you later, okay?
That's my brother, Darryl.
Good morning. You know, for an agoraphobic mute in a spacesuit,
Darryl. He's one pretty cool kid.
Anyway, after what happened to my dad,
I decided to become an insurance claims investigator.
My partner and I had 572 fraudulent claim busts to our credit.
The most recent one... all the way out in Pennsylvania.
But my main focus was to bring down the rosengolds.
Have a nice day, son.
Okay.
Oh, and, Frankie, remember,
better safe than sorry.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
There's safety in numbers.
Hindsight is...
20/20.
I got it, mom.
You be careful out there, son.
Come on, mom. I've been doing that for 20 years.
It's one thing I know I'm good at.
And this is where I work...
The biggest company in the business,
conglomerate insurance.
Conglomerate insurance, please hold. Conglomerate insurance.
Oh, and our receptionist, Vicki?
Major crush on me.
Hey, Vicki. Conglomerate...
Hey, guess what?
I just got the box set of "Miami vice" on DVD.
45 episodes, 0% commercials, 100% awesome.
So, anyway, I was thinking you, me,
and some cool cops from a certain Miami...
Okay.
Hey, frank, check it out.
I'm totally running with scissors! Oh!
Frank: That's herb, what a prankster.
That's right.
Ooh. Ohh.
Ooh.
Yahtzee.
And that's freeda, our file clerk.
Hey, Frankie, could you help me with this req. Form?
I can't seem to get these figures to work.
Sure, freeda.
She certainly gives new meaning to the phrase "casual Fridays."
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey, frank.
New file?
Hey, frank, you ever hear of scout bayou?
Hello.
Like, "zapped!" Is only my favorite movie of all time.
No, not Scott baio, the talented actor.
Scout bayou, the bald guy in the wheelchair.
It says here he's filed five separate injury claims,
all different types of accidents,
none of them disputed.
All five paid out in full.
Hold on, Jimmy.
"After a claim is paid out,
an investigator is no longer authorized to research a case."
Claims investigators handbook.
Yeah, but stopping fraudulent claims
is why we became c.I.S in the first place, right?
No.
It's why I became a c.I.
You were too fat to pass a cop physical, remember?
Frank, what would you say
if I told you he was represented by rosengold and rosengold?
I'd say let's go dispute a claim.
There he is.
Mr. Bald wheel's on the move.
Now, why the hell would a handicapped guy
drive a monster truck?
I don't know.
Maybe he's a handicapped redneck.
Huh?
Let's tail that para-loser.
Strap yourself in.
Oh, yeah. Strapped in.
And hit it.
Strapping in.
Blind spot, check. Blind spot?
Blind spot's clear. Ready. We're on. There's nothing there.
Pedestrian check?
Pedestrians are nothing.
Okay. Animals?
No. No animals.
Okay. Clear on my side.
That's great. It's clear on this side.
Okay. Double-checking.
Double-checked.
You sure?
Will you just go?!
Frank: We followed bayou all day.
And I'll tell you, the guy looked pretty handicapped to me,
but Jimmy had one of his... feelings.
So we tailed him to a concert downtown.
Come this way. Okay.
Jimmy: Do you believe that rotten bastard?
Parking in a handicapped spot when he probably runs a 4.540.
You know what time it is?
It's wearing-cool-disguises time.
Ha ha!
Partner, what say this time you come with me?
Out in the field? Are you nuts?
Come on.
Put on one of these costumes.
I guarantee you'll feel like a completely different person.
Just, uh, don't rip off any of the tags
or leave any pit stains.
I'm the in-the-Van guy, remember, Jimmy?
Okay, fine.
But just cover my ass, okay?
'Cause I'm not leaving here
until I get tape of this phony baloney doing jumping Jacks.
Just down there.
Jack tripper checking in. Do you copy? Over.
Roger that.
Mr. Furley copies
and is rolling and receiving from the regal beagle.
Over that way.
No, no, no, no, no! Over there!
Our bogey's rollin' towards the entrance.
Hey, get out of my way.
Chill, dude.
Just get out of my way.
Where the heck did this fake gimp roll off to?
You tailin' me, asshole?
Aahhhh!
Whoa.
Jack tripper, who were you just talking to? The picture just went out.
Help me!
I'm totally getting my ass kicked!
Oww!
"A c.I. Never turns his back on his partner."
Frank: So, not only would I have to go out in the field,
but thanks to the rock ensemble Jimmy left me,
I'd have to do so dressed as Sammy hagar.
Aahhhh!
Jimmy!
You don't look so good.
I'm fine.
Okay. Maybe I have just a shade of brain damage.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen... you stay here.
I'll get bayou. I'll tape him myself.
Hanson!
Let's see.
Frank mcklusky does it by the book.
Heh heh heh. "Lesson 56...
How to get a faker out of his chair."
Announcer: Come on, everybody!
♪ Whooo! ♪
Get out of my way! Front-row seats!
Frank: Wow. I guess if you're a hanson fan,
it really pays not to be able to walk.
Those seats on the side of the stage
are the best seats in the house.
Yeeeahhh!
Hanson rules!
Whooo!
♪ Go! ♪
And it made me wonder... Is bayou really handicapped
or was he faking his disability just for the perks?
There was only one way to find out for sure.
I had to lure bayou out of his chair.
Yeah! Ya!
Ahhhhh!
So with my trusty ronco pocket fisherman
and a free coupon from supercuts...
Hmm.
The bait was about to be set.
Okay, bayou.
♪ ...girl like you ♪
♪ and maybe just a... Just a guy like me ♪
♪ maybe we can take a walk on the wild side ♪
♪ well, take a look and see ♪
♪ so get up and go ♪
♪ just a girl like you ♪
♪ and maybe just a... just a guy like me ♪
♪ maybe we can take a walk on the wild side ♪
♪ yeah, take a look and ♪
♪ take a look and go ♪
♪ so get up and go ♪
Ugh!
Aaahhhh! Aaahhhh! Aaahhhh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Hanson rocks.
Frank: Well, my first venture out of the Van went pretty well.
I have to admit,
it was kind of exhilarating being out in the field,
but all that action made me hungry
and Chinese-western food was gonna hit the spot.
Jimmy: I don't get why you even like this place.
The food always give you diarrhea.
Ah. Call it a guilty pleasure.
Lim nung was born in Beijing,
but he acted like he was from the ponderosa.
Sheriff Jimmy, deputy frank.
What type of grub you want lim nung rustle up for you?
The usual. And could we get it to go?
Jimmy got beat up by a disabled guy.
Hey.
Again, Mr. Jimmy?
♪ ...think about you since you're gone ♪
♪ except when I'm with someone else ♪
♪ or when I'm all alone ♪
Hey, jimbo, want to come over and watch "Nick at nite"?
Thursdays are baio-thons.
I can't do it.
I got some surveillance tapes I gotta review.
Jimmy: I'll call you later, okay?
Frank: When Jimmy only ordered eight appetizers,
I knew he was taking things harder than usual.
There was something else on his mind.
We had been partners too long for me not to notice.
Whoa.
Charles...
You mean they're only gonna charge us $37.95?
No. It's $149 or we'll never see our furniture alive again.
I'll tell ya, dad, I thought the golden age of television ended.
When the fonz got married and grew a beard.
And then god goes and gives us "Charles in charge."
I'll get it.
Woman on TV: And look inside your drawers.
Thanks, Mr. Belvedere.
Yell-o. Frank...
I need to ask you something.
If anything ever happened to me,
would I be able to count on you
to finish all of our cases howwould have done 'em?
Jimmy, what's wrong?
I need to know right now. Can you promise me that?
Yeah, yeah. I promise. I promise.
Look, I can't talk over the phone,
but I think I got bayou.
Come over. I'll show you when you get here.
Jeez, jimbo, I don't usually like to go out of the house at...
Huh?
Huh? Huh?
Hello?
Who was that?
Mom...
Something's wrong with Jimmy.
I have to go over there.
It's almost midnight.
Honey, t-t-that's the witching hour.
Don't worry.
You know I always take the necessary precautions.
What?
I'm going as fast as I can.
What happened here?
Okay, Mr. Belvedere.
You ready to be that guard dog you were trained to be?
You're really embarrassing yourself here, Mr. B.
Jimmy...
What's going on here, bud?
Nooooooo!
So, what was your relation to Mr. Dooley?
He was my partner.
Life partner?
No, we worked for conglomerate insurance.
Jimmy was my best friend.
Right. Right.
So you say you entered the front door
and found Mr. Dooley where he is right now?
Yes. Why?
Mr. Mcklusky, I'm just trying to get the facts straight.
Hey. Hey, hey. What do you think you're doing?
Writing down my personal phone number for you.
Gee whiz, Mr. Crabby.
So, what do you guys think happened here?
This is your classic fat guy suicide.
Yeah.
We think your friend knocked down the door on a twinkie Jones,
trashed the place looking for a takeout menu,
then drowned, attempting to eat his own goldfish.
What about the sign?
Yeah, we're, uh,
we're leaning toward "fat guy suicide note."
Ohh. Good out.
I need to use the, uh, bathroom.
All right, listen, remember, don't touch anything in there.
The shitter is technically still part of the crime scene.
Right.
Oh, Jimmy, you inconsiderate, dead bastard.
Whoooaa!
Uh, i-I'm okay. It's, uh, it's just a double-flusher.
Aaahhhhhhh!
Aahhhhhhh!
Yahtzee!
Hey, guys, I think I found a clue.
Look, let's say you leave the detectifying
to the professionals,
okay, Mr. Claims investigator?
Check it out, Barry.
The fat guy had push-ups.
Well, share the wealth, mijo!
Frank: What I saw in that apartment that night would scar me forever.
Even to this day,
every time I see a fat zebra, I just start crying.
Come on, Mr. Belvedere.
My instincts told me those cops
weren't going to put Jimmy's case on the high priority list,
so I took the evidence home for my own investigation.
It turns out it was a copy
of a movie about dudes dressing up as chicks.
So, being the insecure heterosexual that I am,
I deduced...
Oh, my god.
Is my partner dead and gay?
Why didn't he tell me?
So I went to work the next day.
But the magic, it was gone.
Even Vicki's overt flirting couldn't pull me out of the doldrums.
Any messages?
Yeah, you have one.
Hey, frank, check this out. Whoooa!
That's dangerous.
Whoo!
Whoa! Whoa, herb!
Oh, now, that's dangerous.
Ha ha ha ha!
Whoo, herb.
Man: Do it.
What... come on, herb. Well, what are you doing?
Nail this safety-conscious ass.
I can't.
Frank, wait.
I was sorry to hear about Jimmy.
Thanks.
Yeah, it seems like only yesterday
he was trying to kiss me at the company picnic.
So Jimmy was gay.
Well, this isn't France.
Around here, man-kissing is pretty darn gay.
Oh, my boss wants to see you.
Mr. Gafty?
I don't know.
That's why i'm...
Dollar bill, yo.
Rosengold and rosengold.
Hey, why do you look familiar to me?
You guys made a fraudulent claim against my family 20 years ago.
My dad's in an unconscious coma because of you.
Oohh. Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
That's right. We need 'pecific case history and shit, dog.
My dad's madman mcklusky.
Ohh! Yes. Yes.
The, uh, the crazy, exploding motorcycle guy.
Well, great to see you again, friend.
That's right.
Aw, come... come on. Man, you bugging, man.
You better back off
or we litigate the shit out of your ass.
Good move.
Mr. Gafty... You wanted to see me?
Frank...
There are 280 million people in this great land of ours.
Do you know how many of them have no form of insurance?
1,346,589, sir...
As of 8:00 this morning.
Well, a student of the game.
Refreshing.
I got into this business, sir, to stop fraudulent claims.
And if because of that, premiums fall,
and I can help a few less-fortunate people get coverage,
well, that's okay with me.
And a man of principle, too, huh?
I respect that.
Do you own a monkey, sir?
Actually, captain juggles here
is an abused circus orangutan.
I plan on releasing him into the wild
after I finish nursing him back to health.
But enough about me.
Frank, those two men who just left my office represent Scott baio.
The bald guy in a wheelchair.
No, the adult kid actor.
He just took out a policy with us.
Oh. But speaking of the bald guy in the wheelchair,
I have to ask you,
is it true what happened at the concert last night?
Well, yes, but, sir, I can explain everything.
Don't worry. I'm not angry.
I know you wouldn't get involved.
You're more the, uh, stay-in-the-Van type of investigator.
Am I right?
You know, frank...
"R" and "r" has issued a restraining order against you,
so do me a favor and stay away from bayou, would you?
You're too important an employee to lose.
And matter of fact, I'm giving you a promotion.
Promotion?
But, sir, I don't think I'm ready.
I felt really bad about Jimmy.
He was a good employee.
Except when he used the company copier
to distribute his gay newsletter.
♪ Come on, come on, Jack it up ♪
Gay newsletter?
Not a bad read, actually.
So, that settles it, all right?
Your new junior partner should be here right after lunch.
Ohh, Jimmy.
I miss you, man.
♪ Come on, come on ♪
Man, you were gay.
Hi. Frank? Frank mcklusky?
I'm Sharon, your new junior partner.
Hey. Hello.
I can't tell you how psyched I am
to be a c.I. Here at conglomerate insurance.
Really?
I think investigating insurance fraud's
the last frontier of law enforcement.
And working with you...
A person with such commitment to accident prevention...
That you are the best claims investigator
in the history of this company.
He said that about me?
Well, I'm not.
My dead gay partner, Jimmy, was the best.
Is this him?
Yeah. Hey, you know what?
That's a company frame, so put any photo in you want.
I got more.
Thanks.
Look, frank...
I come from a family of 11 sisters.
10 of them are stay-at-home moms.
The 11th... me... is the first girl to want more...
Wa-wah, wa-wah-wah, wa-wah.
All I'm asking for huh? Is a chance.
Well, okay.
Jimmy and I worked on together.
He was onto something with this scout bayou character.
Scott baio... He's an actor, right?
No, bald guy in a wheelchair.
Oh. Okay. So where should we start?
I don't know.
I mean, Jimmy was really the point man.
Well, why don't you pick up where Jimmy left off?
How Jimmy would've done it.
Promise me. Hiw would have done it.
Frank: Right then and there it hit me,
and there was no denying it.
I knew exactly what I had to do.
I had made my partner a promise to fill his fat shoes.
And that's exactly what I was going to do.
Eventually, I realized that that entailed taking off my helmet.
Frank: I talked to bayou's neighbor.
Apparently, he goes to rehab around this time.
So, this guy really is handicapped?
Handicapped like a fox.
What do you mean?
I mean, roller fake over there can probably do the moonwalk.
So you have proof.
Not yet... but I got a plan.
Hey.
Jimmy always said you gotta get close to the claimant,
force them to let their guard down.
But aren't those casts gonna make it a little hard for you...
These casts, Sharon, are my ticket inside.
Why didn't you just wear orderly scrubs?
I should go.
Wait, frank.
What should I do?
What every good junior partner should.
Yeah?
Stay in the Van.
Uhh!
Uh! Uh!
Ugh.
Who-oaa! Ohh!
Huh?
Holy mackerel!
What happened to you?!
Runway accident.
You a pilot?
Uh. Supermodel.
Oh.
Hey, mister, can I...
Yahh!
Hey, do you know scout bayou?
I heard he's a Vietnam vet.
Been coming here for years.
Yo, curly, can you turn this off for me?
I have trouble reaching it from the harness.
Sure. Have a nice day.
Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.
Hey, are you scout bayou?
Yeah. What's it to you, shit-neck?
Uh. Well, I-I was hoping to ask you a few questions about...
You just moved your... hey, you just moved your leg.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't!
Yes, you did.
Let go of my stick.
You're a big, fat faker. Let go of my stick!
You're a big faker.
Let go of my stick!
You're a faker. I saw you!
You can too walk. Did too.
Hey, everybody, scout bayou can walk.
Aaahhhhh! Uh!
Uh! Uh!
Ho!
Ow! Ow!
Ahhhh! Uh! Ow! Uh! Ohh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!
Oh. Uh. Ohh. Uh. Oh.
Ow. Uhh.
Well, he sure as shit ain't gonna be walkin' now.
Oh! Uh! Uh! Oh! Ow! Uh! Oh!
Uh! Oh! Uh! Uh!
Aaahhhhhh!
Uh! Uh!
Wh-aaahh!
Mom...
Just think of it as temporary.
Oh, really?
So, when you suffer a severe head injury,
and I have to feed my brain-dead son baby food through a straw,
will that be temporary?
Hey, Darryl, what'd you do... today?
Duh. He watched TV in his hyperbaric suit.
Listen, Frankie, I've been thinking. Yeah.
You should find a job you can do from the house,
like telemarketing or unemployment.
Well, I got a full boat.
What do you got, dad?
You lose. I win.
Frank: There was one good thing about having a brain-dead dad...
He was never a poor sport.
The bayou file was obviously a dead end,
so I went to work the next day
determined to find a clue in Jimmy's file cabinet.
What I found was Jimmy's private doughnut stash
and something else.
A requisition form.
Hey, freeda, can you get a file for...
Man, if you make me late for happy hour,
I'm really gonna be p.O.'D.
Does that req. Form has a gafty signature?
Uh...
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it does.
Well, okay, then.
Read me the numbers, would ya, cinna-buns?
2... 3...
1...
1.
2311.
Frank: In reviewing that file, some questions arose.
"A"... who the heck was enga denkmark?
"B"... could her file have anything to do with Jimmy's death?
And "c"... was Jimmy lying to me
when he said it was company policy for partners to check each other for lumps?
Anyway, I used the conglomerate database
to find out that this enga denkmark was competing in town
at the annual gymnastics championships.
I knew I had to go and ask her a few questions about her policy.
I snuck in, slipped into the men's room,
and put on my best janitor disguise.
Luckily, I had the tight bell-bottom jeans,
leather vest, and a pencil-thin mustache to make the disguise complete.
Uh, uh, this is the ladies' room.
Oh.
Hey, freebies from the sponsors. Heh heh.
Okay, just one apiece, one apiece. Let's not get grabby.
Use the tape.
Ladies, I got everything from light flow to Tsunami.
Leave at once!
This is the great enga denkmark. Oh.
She's about to compete,
and you are interrupting her concentration.
Relax, fella. I just need to ask her a few questions.
It's time for me to go.
And show to the world all my greatness.
Actually, enga, this can't wait.
It's kind of impor... uh.
You know?
Something tell me you are not really janitor.
That is the worst Schneider impersonation I've ever seen.
Hold on, sideburns.
I don't want to have to fight you, bro.
Oh.
Okay. Don't you need to be out there?
No, I am alternate.
Frank: I tried to reason with her, even bribe her with an epilady.
But if I was gonna get out of this one, I'd have to use my head.
I guess I had picked a pretty bad time
to stop wearing my helmet.
You say that, sir, but someone...
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Whew.
Hi, everybody,
and welcome to the women's portion
of the 2002 annual gymnastics championships.
I'm pat o'brien
along with olympic gold medalist Dominique moceanu.
And, Dominique, outside of the Olympics,
this has to be the grandest stage for this type of event.
Dominique: Enga denkmark, the Romanian sweetheart,
who won the hearts of the world last Olympics,
well, she and her team are here
threatening to sweep the team
and individual events.
You know, what is the real story on this coach Chernov?
I'm no doctor, but it seems to me
some of these gals have a little too much guy in the gyno,
if you, uh, know what I mean.
Whew!
This springy thing can't be too safe.
Woman: Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
Psst.
What are you doing?
I told you to stop injections
three weeks prior to competition.
Hmm?
Oh.
And here comes the Romanian Mila sopkov.
Sopkov's specialty is the vault.
It's certainly not makeup.
Look, enga, I got this file.
Um, it's a...
Ugh!
Ooh.
Ooh. That's not good.
Woo-hoo. Ouch.
Excuse me. You know,
when you're through bleeding internally,
we should talk.
Word, yo. 'Cause me and my dog here,
we could sue the shilz-nit out of this joint.
Excuse me.
Hey. What?!
Brothers can't confiscate some evidence and shit?
Yeah.
Get off me, man.
They'll have to go to an alternate.
Uh, what do you know about irza topnizki?
Nothing much,
other than she's probably the oldest competitor here today.
Well, certainly the ugliest.
Nevertheless, it's up to her
to keep Romania on top with her floor exercise.
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ shake it up ♪
♪ funky rhythm ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ the funky rhythm ♪
♪ say yeah ♪
♪ I got to give a, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ funky rhythm ♪
♪ oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪ the funky rhythm ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ pull out the bass ♪
♪ funky rhythm ♪
♪ uh, uh, uh, funky rhythm ♪
♪ I got to give a, uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ funky rhythm ♪
♪ uh, uh, uh ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Shake it up ♪
Yes. Ug...
♪ Yeeeeaaah ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Pat: Maybe that topnizki...
Who are you?
Look, my real name's frank mcklusky.
I'm an insurance claims investigator
from conglomerate insurance.
Huh?
My partner was murdered,
and the only lead I got is your file.
You idiot!
I will not have us lose.
If you tell me everything you know
about your file with conglomerate insurance...
I'll get you your score.
Fine. Get the score.
Pat: Well, it's all up to topnizki now.
With the contest tied,
even the lowest of scores will put her team on top.
Dominique: Even a 0.1 will do it,
but thus far, topnizki is not going to the Olympics.
Topnizki is not going to the special Olympics.
Ha.
Good so far.
All she needs now
is not to land on her head during the dismount,
and they win.
Ooh!
Ouch!
Uhhhhhh.
Okay, now. Here are the judges' scores.
0.0...
And the fifth judge... 0.1.
A victory now for the Romanians.
Yes!
I have pip with them.
Pip? What's pip?
If I break my arm, I cannot get my endorsement.
And your company pays me $5 million.
Pip.
Frank: So with my new lead, I went to the file department.
To find out what a pip policy was.
Good thing freeda wasn't around,
'cause if she caught me digging through her files,
I'd be in a lot of trouble.
Yahtzee.
This is restricted area, Frankie.
You know you could get in a whole lot of trouble for this.
Uh, look, freeda, have you ever heard
of something called a pip policy?
You mean p.I.P... Professional injury policy.
A lot of famous people have them
to ensure against catastrophic, career-ending injuries.
The one I gave you last week was a p.I.P.
Hey, um, do you think I can see the rest of those?
Well, frank, you'd need a requisition form,
and all requisition forms need to be signed by gafty.
And Mr. Gafty is a very busy man.
Is there any other way I could, uh...
Sure.
Frank: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I got the files... And a new hairdo.
But I was concerned that this case
was getting a little too dangerous for my new junior partner.
Hey, look, Sharon, I'm not a risktaker, okay?
I'm doing what I'm doing for Jimmy.
I don't want to put my junior partner at risk.
What if I knew something...
Something about the case and Jimmy that you didn't?
Would you let me be a part of all this?
What could you possibly know that I don't know?
♪ Come on, come on ♪
Jiminy Christmas!
This guy's gayness is off the charts.
Hey, is that herb?
I found it in Jimmy's old company frame.
I've spent my whole life listening to what I couldn't do.
Let me prove to you what I can do.
Vicki: Conglomerate insurance. Please hold.
Frank, Sharon.
Okay, you're in, but I call the shots.
Let's follow herb.
Conglomerate insurance. Please hold.
Frank: The picture of Jimmy and herb frenching in a hot tub.
Led me to wonder if herb was hiding anything else.
Hey, herb.
♪ Come on, come on ♪
Mcklusky.
I just, uh, stopped off here for some, um, some cigarettes.
You don't smoke.
I'm not gay, dude.
Man: Hey, and a beer chaser.
Yeah!
Me and Jimmy-jam had been dating for about a year.
Jimmy-jam?
About a month back, he starts acting really nervous.
I thought he might be onto something really big.
What? What was it?
I don't know.
All I know is that he had me forge gafty's signature
on a requisition form.
He was supposed to get the file on Friday,
but I guess he never made it.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Hold on.
This requisition form?
That's it.
Raspberry was Jimmy-jam's favorite.
Wait a minute.
The jelly.
Yeah, it's delicious.
I didn't read freeda all the numbers.
I got the wrong file.
What's crackin', bee-atches?
You know, herb, a fellow like you
ought to be a little more careful
of the people that he hangs out with.
I'd hate to see this type of riffraff
put you in a dangerous situation.
Case in point,
mcklusky here has harassed and hurt one of our clients.
On more than one occasion.
Threw his ass down a flight of goddamn steps is what he done.
That's right... goddamn steps.
And who knows, herb?
Maybe you're the next one that gets hurt.
Hmm? Hey, d... mcklusky...
Your shit better start complying
with that "reskraining" order against you.
Or they gonna be "reskraining" me
from complying my foot in your ass.
Can you dig it?
Well put, partner. Let's go.
Good night, you guys.
Good night, herb.
Night, herb.
Is anybody there?
Is it a man...
Maybe that cute busboy
with the overbite and the bowl cut?
Oh, my god, it's you!
Frank: I spent all morning looking through the req. Files.
While freeda looked like she swallowed j-lo.
Did you check the paid-outs, sexy shorts?
What do you mean paid-outs?
Well, if it was a claim that was already issued,
he wouldn't put that in the normal p.I.P. File,
he'd put that in the paid-outs cabinet.
And looky what we have here.
Thanks, freeda. Oh, you big...
Unh-unh, sailor.
Frank: With the new file, I visited berkshire downs,
home of the most hallowed statue in all of sports.
There I find a jockey named peedro jimenez.
Jimmy fit into that?
Actually, Jimmy didn't have it,
so I ordered this one off the Internet... biggest size they had.
Wow, it's your first disguise.
Are you gonna start your own collection?
Maybe.
Look, just do me a favor.
Stay in the Van and cover my ass.
Hey, dudes.
Hey.
Hey, buddy!
This is a restricted area!
I don't know, maybe you get off
running around jockey locker rooms
with your butt crack half exposed,
but not on my watch, buster brown.
Okay, Shaq, you're in locker number five.
Pepe.
Hey.
Hey, my man,
you wouldn't happen to know this guy, would you?
Yes, his name peedro jimenez,
the greatest jockey ever to come out of Guatemala,
until he break his leg.
Break his leg?
Wait a minute.
What if he faked the injury to collect the insurance money,
Jimmy found out, and peedro had him killed?
That good theory.
Thank you.
Only, peedro... he dead.
Whoa, short stack, what are you talking about?
Look, pancho no want to talk about this.
Riders for time trials.
Get your shrimpy little bodies on deck.
Hey, pancho, wait.
And this is where your freaky little charade ends.
Three dollars!
Go ahead.
Hey, wilt Chamberlain,
you're gonna be riding horse number six today,
horny hal.
Pancho, pancho! Hey, hold on.
My real name's frank mcklusky.
I'm an insurance claims investigator.
Señoyou no should be on that horse.
He no race no more.
Hal only around to have the sex all day.
Es UN stud, comprende?
No, I-I don't speak Italian, sorry.
Look, peedro's file said he reported a claim,
said he broke his leg, got paid out.
Yes, pero he no get a chance to get the dinero.
He die two day later.
Only his wife get his life insurance.
So, anyways, let me get this straight...
Aaah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, pancho, how do you steer this thing?
No! No! No! No, not this way!
Aaah! Okay, slow it down, slow it down!
Whoa!
Well, this is embarrassing.
Phew! Come on, hal.
Hi.
Come on, hal.
So, why'd you bring me here, anyway?
Well, for eight straight years,
this is where Jimmy and I used to go after all our cases.
It's like just yesterday he was sitting right there.
Gee, I miss that fat bastard.
Mr. Frank...
You like my lo mein?
Lo mein was cowboy Jimmy's favorite.
It was, wasn't it?
"Hairy gato," slim.
♪ Some people search the whole... ♪
Frank, have you gone back to Jimmy's place,
you know, to see if he left anything behind?
Sharon, I'm your senior. Don't you think I would've thought of that?
I told you, his place was cleaned out,
minus this one sissy flick.
Can I see it?
Sure. It's really not a big deal.
Frank: I took Sharon to watch the tape.
Mom wasn't used to me working at home.
Frank! You brought company!
And it's a girl!
Great.
Hi, I'm Sharon.
Oh, you're the little hussy
that's got him gallivanting all over town without a helmet.
Mom, I told you, uh...
Oh, no, it's okay.
Fall down and die. See if I care.
You know, mom, Sharon and I have to go up to my room
and work on a case.
A case of herpes from the looks of her.
Frankie, remember to wear protection.
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Oh.
Hey, I know him!
He was like evel knievel, only he sucked.
He's my dad.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah...
For the last 20 years.
That's a reaction to the medication.
Mnh.
Totally normal. Let's go watch the tape.
Well, this is my room.
You know, frank...
I bet Jimmy would've been proud of you,
putting your fears aside
to... to find out what happened to him.
It's, like, hero stuff, frank.
I don't know.
You think?
Yeah, I do.
♪ Is this really love? ♪
[ Music grinds to a halt I ♪ is... ♪ the tape!
The tape has tape on it! Huh?
That's what you do when you want to tape over something!
What if Jimmy taped over "Priscilla, queen of the desert"?
Did you watch the whole thing?
I-I've... no. I've been meaning to.
Bayou?
Yahtzee! This must be the information
Jimmy was talking about.
Is that...
It's bayou...
And he's walking!
Why'd he do that?
Let's go find out.
Hey, kids, where are you going?!
Oh, my god! She's not pregnant, is she?
Frank: I finally had bayou, but in order to make the bust,
I knew I needed the most discreet costume yet.
I-I'm really happy to get to wear a disguise this time,
but why is mine so small?
Exactly.
Yes?
Do I know you?
We're c.I.S from conglomerate insurance,
and we were wondering if you could answer a few questions.
Talk to my lawyers!
Okay.
Wait a minute!
Huh?
You're the psycho from the concert
and from the rehab center!
Let me tell you something, asshole,
I lost the use of my legs
fighting for democracy in Vietnam!
Do you know what it's like
to be confined to a wheelchair at age 19?!
Do you?!
A sniper's bullet snatched away my future that day,
and I refuse to let you do the same!
I have surveillance footage
of you pushing a car off a cliff.
Later.
Huh! Huh! Ya!
Let's get him!
Ya! Ooh! Ooh!
Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
You okay?
It was like a gigantic bald tornado.
You stay on him, frank. I'll take care of this guy.
Yeah.
Ugh!
Hey!
Yeah! What's up?! Wha!
Ooh! Ugh!
Ooh!
Whoo!
Frank: Hold the elevator!
It's over, bayou.
Oooooooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
[ Whack! Whack! I ohh! Wha!
Awww!
Hey, knocking off my mohawk's just not cool.
Whoo!
This is definitely not safe.
Come on, frank, you can do it!
Oh, right...
I remember who you are, man.
Your dad didn't do his jump,
and you're not gonna do this one!
Come on! Come on, get me!
Pow! Come on!
Jump!
That's right! You can do it, frank!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump!
Jump, you sissy-ass bitch!
Hmm? Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump!
Madman: Are you ready for the madman to...
Laugh at safety?
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jump! Jump! Jump!
Ohh!
You're pathetic, mcklusky.
You always will be.
Hee hee hee hee! Whoo!
Frank, what happened up there?
I don't want to talk about it.
Word on the street is you're a sissy-ass bitch.
You know, you're not really helping things!
What?! What'd I say?!
Frank, what you did up there... it was great.
Sharon, I don't know if you were paying attention or not,
but I got beat up, and the bad guy got away.
It's not exactly the kind of performance you get a plaque for.
But you tried.
That's something to be proud of, right?
Yeah, well, for some reason,
right now I don't feel so proud.
Frank: I dragged my battered body into the Van.
And headed back to the office.
Vicki: Conglomerate insurance. Please hold.
Conglomerate insurance. Please hold.
Hey, where's herb?
You guys don't know?
Oh, my god! What?
Oh, and you have a phone message, too...
A real one.
Mr. Gafty wants to see me.
Oh, frank, how are you?
Good to see you.
Please, please, come in, come in.
Have a seat.
This is Bobby.
I'm his big brother.
You know, it's "bring a little buddy to work" day.
Hello.
What's up, dude?
Uh, sir...
Is it... is it true? Is herb dead?
Yes, yes, sadly, it's true, dead as a doorknob.
Look, Mr. Gafty,
I've got information about scout bayou.
As it turns out...
As a matter of fact, that's kind of why you're up here.
Huh?
This, uh, bayou character, well, his lawyers called.
Apparently you're still harassing him,
even though we took you off the file,
even though you got the restraining order against you.
Yeah, but...
Look, this is never easy,
but I'm afraid we're gonna have to ask for your c.I. Badge.
My badge?
Yeah, your badge. You deaf?
Heh. Heh.
This job's all I ever cared about.
It's the only thing I ever believed in.
I'm... I'm sorry, frank.
Oh, uh, frank...
I hope we can still be friends and stuff.
Ha.
Frank!
Hi, this is Jerry in claims.
Frank: "Dear Sharon",
"something terrible has happened.
"Perhaps Vicki's illustration can best explain it.
"Sincerely, frank mcklusky,
not a c.I."
Whoa!
Do I know you?
Frank: And you thought when Rose mcgowan wore it it was offensive.
I'm frank's junior partner.
Uh, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
I need a printout
of all the p.I.P. Policies that are double covered.
And why would I do that for you?
Look, freeda, frank might be in trouble.
Didn't I tell you this would happen?
The world is a very dangerous, very horrible place.
Maybe you're right.
I thought I could change things,
stop fraudulent claims, protect the innocent.
Ha!
Oh.
But I failed.
Most important, I failed Jimmy.
Yes, you did,
but that's why I'm here,
to take care of you like I always have.
Oh, honey...
Don't you think it's time you came home?
Aw, dad...
Sometimes I wish you could hear me,
give me some advice,
tell me what to do, how to be.
But then there's your answer, huh?
Don't end up like you.
Oh.
Whoa! Oh! Ugh! Ugh!
I've got some information about the case.
Didn't you get my note?
I'm out, Sharon.
Just give me five minutes.
I had the tape enhanced.
Now, tell me what you see.
Is that... whoa!
Aw!
Ugh!
A tiny satin cap?
That, frank, is a jockey's hat.
Oh.
"Famed jockey peedro jimenez's car
careened off a cliff late last night."
That jockey didn't die by accident, frank.
He was murdered. Read it.
Here's a list of all the p.I.P. Policies.
Oh, cool, Scott baio has a p.I.P. Policy!
But why are there two rows of numbers?
Because some p.I.P. Policies are double covered...
That was the classified information...
Including peedro jimenez.
His p.I.P.'S for $5 million.
And his life insurance is for only 75 grand?
If you were an insurance company,
which would you rather pay out, five figures or seven?
Conglomerate...
They killed Jimmy when he was onto them.
We need to warn everybody on that list,
and we can start with Scott baio.
He's doing "celebrity big top" at saugus speedway.
S-S-Saugus speedway?
Uh-huh.
Beat it, hussy.
My son is done risking his life for a paycheck.
Mrs. Mcklusky, you don't understand. Frank and I were...
What do you know about anything?
Until you witness your husband explode
in front of 5,000 people, you don't know shit.
I'll tell you what I do know, Mrs. Mcklusky.
I know frank was born to be a claims investigator.
Frank, if you don't take a stand right here and now,
then we all lose,
and people like them, they win.
I will fight to get you your money,
and when I'm done getting you your money,
I will go get you some more money.
That's right, bizoy,
'cause we got the mad Benjamins in the hiz-ouse.
Rosengold and rosengold, attorneys at law.
It's up to you.
I'm sorry, Sharon,
I can't go to saugus speedway.
It's where my dad blew up.
I just can't.
No, I'm sorry, frank.
I guess I thought you were somebody else.
Whaaa! Aaah!
Uh, Sharon, are you okay?
It sounded like you fell down some steps.
I did, but that's life, frank.
Sometimes people fall down.
But don't you get it?!
It doesn't mean you quit walking!
Whaaa! Aaah!
Ugh!
Yeah, I couldn't hear a word you said.
I'm wearing the helmet, remember?
Hmm!
Welcome to "celebrity big top."
I'm your host, Gary Owens.
Today you'll see such old favorites as Lou ferrigno,
Emmanuel Lewis,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
even a broken nose couldn't keep me from this event.
A broken nose?
Oh, no!
Scout bayou's gonna be there today to kill Scott baio.
I got to warn Sharon.
Frankie! Where you goin'?
Mom, I got to help Sharon.
She's my partner, and she needs me. I can't quit on her now.
A good c.I... news flash...
Usually when a person gets fired,
they don't do that job anymore.
That's just it, mom.
My job might be over,
but my life's just beginning.
I'm just realizing that now.
Don't you see?
Ever since Jimmy died, I finally began living.
I remember dad always had a smile on his face.
Now I know why.
'Cause he was alive.
I alive.
Yeah, hold on, dad, i-I'm getting to something here.
Ohh! Larry!
Dad!
Oh!
Oh, honey! Oh!
Ugh!
Oh!
Oh, thanks.
I'd hug you guys back, but I can't move my arms.
My muscles kind of atrophied on account of
the unconscious-coma sort of deal, so...
Edith, you're a good woman... You always were...
But, damn it, you gotta let go of the boy.
You raised a tough kid.
You've got nothing to worry about.
A-a-a-and I'm spent.
I gotta go.
Frankie, wait!
Look, mom, I told you, I...
If you're gonna be a daredevil hero...
I think you're gonna need something.
♪ Say, "yeah!" ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
Good luck!
What?
Good luck!
I can't hear you!
I said...
Good luck.
♪ Say, "yeah!" ♪
Frank: I had the madman's moto-psycho,
and I had the madman's jumpsuit.
Now I needed to see if I had the madman's abilities.
Aaah!
Oh!
Owens: Broadcasting live from saugus, California,
it's "celebrity big top"!
Wow!
Webster doesn't even flinch
as the hulk wings those knives at him.
If courage were measured in height,
that little son of a bitch would be 10 feet tall.
Dude, watch the 'fro!
Now, folks, you know him from "happy days,"
you kind of remember him from "Charles in charge,"
and you're probably unaware
that he was on "diagnosis murder."
Let's give a big round of applause for...
Scott baio!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Whoo!
It's him... scout bayou!
Well, apparently an angry clown
and a woman from the crowd have decided to join the fun.
Let's give them a big round of applause, shall we?
Guess who's back.
Baio! Get back here!
Owens: Oh, no!
The clown is about to cut the wire
with his giant wire cutters.
Is this the end for Scott baio?
Hey, look...
It's america's favorite jive-talkin' puppet.
It's Lester!
What's up, yo?!
Sharon: No!
Don't look at the puppet! Look at the clown, the clown!
Hey!
This one's for you, dad.
Aaaaah!
Chachi-i-i-i!
Chachi!
Frank!
You showed up! Aaah!
Stay right there, mcklusky, or she dies!
Stop the car, puppet.
What?
Hit the freakin' gas, Lester!
Chill, my man!
Hold on, baio.
Ugh! Whoa!
Who are you?!
And what's this all about?!
Name's frank mcklusky.
I was an insurance claims investigator. Oh.
Remember episode 66 of "Charles in charge,"
when you got bonked on the head
and became your evil alter ego chas,
who then beat up Daniel Baldwin at the pizza parlor?
Yeah. What's that got to do with anything?
Nothing. You were just great in that episode.
What?!
Uh-oh.
Hyah!
Oh!
Who the hell are you?
I'm just a puppeteer, man! Don't kill me!
Ugh!
Aaah! Watch out!
Ugh!
Whoa!
Are you okay?
Thanks for trying to save me.
Whoa.
Dude...
Your nose.
Oh, jeez.
My lawyer told me that I could pick up
some quick cash by doing this.
Let me tell you something... Joanie may love chachi,
but chachi hates the residuals.
Mcklusky!
I told you,
but you couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?
And now I'm gonna have to do you the way I did herb!
Wait, you're gay, too?
I killed him, asshole.
Aw!
Well, well, well.
Isn't it nice
that the gang's all here?
And what a place for the party,
a place I like to call "adios, peedro."
Tell me you killed my partner and the rest of those other people
for something other than the money.
No, it was all for the money.
You see, mcklusky,
I had your ass pegged as a shut-in freak.
I thought I could put your eager ass
with mcklusky.
And have him stifle you with a million rules
and regulations,
but, no, you two had to go and act as a team.
Well, now you're gonna die as a team.
Kill them, bayou,
and make it look like an accident.
I'm not killing anyone.
I was talking to the bald guy, jackass.
Oh.
Noooo!
Ugh!
Ohhh!
Rrrrrr. Sharon: Frank, are you all right?
Wow.
What the hell?!
Strong girl.
Whoa!
Ouch.
I guess this handbook was good for something.
You know it's against rule 38, subset 6b,
for a senior to kiss his junior.
Yeah, well...
Screw the book.
Ow!
Okay, who's the dick throwin' books?
Aaah!
Are you okay, Frankie?
Uh, freeda, have you met Scott baio?
He's a rock-'n'-roll superhunk.
Phew!
Good call.
Rrrrrrr.
Ew. Uh, uh, uh...
Want to touch my boobs?
How's that, now?
Frank: Everything turned out all right.
I found Jimmy's killer, got the girl,
and my dad fell out of his unconscious-coma type deal,
which reminded me...
There's one more thing I need to do.
With Scott baio's phony-nose confession,
I finally had the evidence to put away the reigning kings of insurance fraud
once and for all.
The rosengolds did it!
Judge: I hereby sentence the rosengolds.
To 20 years in a maximum-security prison.
Ronnie: A grievous error, your honor!
I object the shit out of this bee-atch!
A travesty!
They gonna turn me into a girl, Ronnie!
It's not that bad.
Frank: My dad always said.
You can't achieve anything without taking a risk.
He was right.
I took a chance on myself,
and I put my family back together again.