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Twice or thrice
I loved thee
before I knew thy face or name,
but a voice and a shapeless flame.
Elvira!
Thine angelic song must worshipped be.
"And all that issues from thee."
So for God's sake hold your tongue
and let me
love thy sacred body
without sin.
Elvira!
Prince Julian's Most Beautiful Poems
Elvira, braces!
Rebekka.
Otto.
Welcome to the kingdom of Swedlandia, my beautiful.
...love you -
- in sickness and in health, to honor and cherish you -
- fill death do us part.
-Agnes, this is wonderful! -Come, sister.
Isak!
This is Elvira. Isak takes care of my horses.
Come.
Is it the Prince's poetry you are reading?
I want to marry him.
I really do!
And now...
No, please...
-Stop it! -Don't be such a spoil sport!
Papa...
Papa?
Papa...
Papa!
It's just me - Elvira.
You must be starving!
I brought some chocolate. There's no better consolation.
Can you please go?
I thought you were asleep.
When my father died, Mama slept all the time.
But it passed.
Everything passes eventually.
How dare you compare your grief to mine?!
That's my brush!
He isn't even in the ground, and you just settle in.
Do you have no decency?
If it wasn't for the money, father would never -
- have let people like you into his life!
What money?
Your mother's money.
Mama!
They have no money!
They have no money.
We will confiscate -
- all cattle and arable land with immediate effect.
Keep the coins.
Mama?
Mama!
We'll find a solution.
Do you think it's easy?
Do you think it's easy -
- to find a rich man who would want me?
A widow with saggy tits and two hopeless daughters!
I can get married.
To whom? The Prince?
Look in the mirror, sweetheart.
And Alma, she hasn't even started bleeding.
Dearest Mama...
I beg you...
Don't let this be my fate.
Message from the castle!
The King and his son, His Royal Highness Prince Julian, -
- hereby invite all noble virgins to a ball at the castle -
- four full moons from the next.
A ball?!
Yes.
-Name? -Agnes Angelica Alicia -
- Victoria von Morgenstierne Munthe of Rosenhoff.
Thank you.
Name?
Elvira.
Von?
Von?!
Von?
She's my stepsister.
Elvira von Stepsister
The Prince will choose his bride at the ball!
Mama, I'm going to a ball!
Right.
Removing braces is simple.
The nose, on the other hand...
What will you do with it?
Tame it.
I also recommend our exclusive -
- hand-made eyelash extensions.
After a lifetime in the shade -
- of that hump, -
- your beautiful eyes deserve some extra attention.
Yes.
The braces and the nose will suffice for now.
How fast can we get it done?
-When can you pay me? -I'll pay you double after the ball.
Nurse!
You have a beautiful face, but your nose?
Pliers!
Voila!
Now to the piece de resistance!
The great transformation. Which will it be?
Number seven.
Excellent choice.
Un, deux, trois!
Good morning, girls.
Good morning, Miss Sophie!
Welcome to a new school year.
Being the Kingdom's leading finishing school, -
- we are honored to open Prince Julian's ball -
- with a dance performance.
There will be a selection -
- made by me and Madame Vanja.
There will be...
There will be a lead and two supporting roles.
The chosen ones get a unique opportunity -
- to show off to the Prince.
This, my girls, will be the most important night of your lives.
It will be filled -
- with counts, barons -
- and rich merchants.
You. Step back.
Agnes - forward.
Step back!
Don't you understand?
Thank you.
Rebekka.
I have decided on a date for my father's funeral.
When we can afford it.
When will that be?
After the ball, when Elvira has married.
Dr. Esthétique isn't cheap.
I didn't know you had in-depth knowledge of the doctor.
My dad is rotting. You spend money on everything but his funeral.
Things don't necessarily have to cost money, Agnes.
I thought Elvira and Alma -
- might have some of your dresses that you're not wearing anyway.
The list is here!
Voila!
Who can do this?
Everybody will look at you!
You?
Let's see.
Begin.
Stop.
You have talent.
Wasted talent.
I didn't want you.
Your mother paid me. Understand?
Work harder.
Much harder!
Agnes.
You and you.
Begin.
This is easier said than done.
I will need ribbons or bows to make this work.
I don't care how, just get her into it!
Move over!
Good night, Miss.
-The Prince will love you. -Thank you.
Elvira.
I'm hopeless.
No one will ever choose me.
I don't think that's true.
I see a lot of myself in you.
But you are gorgeous!
And I...
I'm ugly and fat.
May I see?
It's beautiful.
You're changing your outside to fit -
- what you know is on the inside.
You are a brave one.
I have something for you.
It's what's inside that counts.
My head is pounding.
Find me, virgin, find me fast...
My heart breaks.
I'd rather die
than to my heart lie
and be with one I do not love.
Isn't it beautiful?
Can I show you something?
Promise you won't tell anyone.
-Cross my heart. -You must mean it!
I mean it!
You're so annoying.
It's a tapeworm egg.
I'll swallow it, -
- then I can eat as much as I want, and still lose weight.
Because the worm eats what I eat.
Won't you get really hungry?
That's the whole point. I'm going to marry the Prince.
Once I become thin and beautiful, I'll just take the antidote.
You're sick in the head.
I'm not!
-You do everything Mama says. -Mama doesn't know about this.
Don't you dare say anything!
I would never swallow that egg.
-I'd rather die! -You are so childish.
Alma, don't be a sourpuss.
Alma!
Alma?
Alma, come back!
Alma, don't you dare tell Mama!
My love...
I need to marry the Prince.
I thought you loved me.
I will never ever love anyone but you.
This calls for a celebration! How about a virgin?
I prefer a horse that is broken in.
When their eyes fill with terror and pain and they think they might die.
What does the expert say?
-Virgin or whore? -Both, please!
-Right! -The skin is coming off my cock!
-Haven't you heard of butter? -Sure.
The castle's run out of it.
That's why you complain that your bread is so dry.
Hey, metal snout! You want some princely cock?
Have her, Prince!
-Your cock's out! -That thing?
I don't want to fuck that!
Elvira.
What kind of virgins fuck stable boys?!
-Let go of me! -Whores, that's who!
-You'll never see that boy again! -Let go of me!
-You have no right! - I have every right!
You're lucky I don't throw you out on the street, you little slut!
Put her to work!
Get lost, you prick! I don't want to see you again!
Beat it!
Beat it, you fornicator!
Beat it!
Isak!
THREE FULL MOONS LATER
You're so beautiful.
BEAUTY IS PAIN
A masterpiece!
Next time we could make you a nice pair of breasts.
Like Nurse Anna's here. I'll talk to your mother.
Nurse Rosa, are you ready?
Fasten the patient.
This is the latest pain relief. From coca leaves.
We will make you magnifique!
Needle!
Elvira?
Alma?
Where are you going?
I need to pee.
Agnes, is that you?
It's cake.
What does the stepmother say?
She's been in bed for days.
She is obsessing over her father.
Again!
How could she do this to me?
There is nothing for it but to find someone else.
-My love. -There is no one else!
You have to smile. Smile!
No.
Please.
Find me, virgin, find me fast.
My heart breaks.
There you are! I thought I was going to faint.
I'd rather die
than to my heart...
...lie...
...and be with one I do not love.
You read.
Blasted with sighs
and surrounded by tears.
Hither I come in search of spring.
Grass between fingers,
nostrils alert...
But O, self-deception and all it brings...
The serpent that devours all with wings...
A carriage to paradise
in the sky.
My thirst betrayed thee, thou answer'st with a cry.
What do you think the serpent symbolizes?
His penis.
Can you brush my hair now, Cinderella?
This is my brush.
Looks like you won't need it anymore.
A surprise for you!
Get up!
Hello, Elvira.
Put it here.
You have no idea what this has cost me.
I'm your good fairy.
-The loveliest I've ever seen! -To die for!
Cinderella! Come here!
Help her into this.
Isn't it beautiful?
Elvira is going to open the ball.
With a dance performance, she's the main dancer.
You don't say.
A little whore, I see.
Clean it up!
Come, Elvira.
There you go.
You don't look quite well, my girl.
What's this?
Move, Rebekka.
-That's more like it. -You'll be amazing!
Tomorrow you'll make us all rich.
Come on, Rebekka. I am ready for you.
The first door to the right.
I'm going to the ball. You can't stop me!
Let go!
No! Let go!
Agnes!
She says that she is going to the ball!
How can she go to the ball when she has nothing to wear?
You will be the most beautiful girl there.
Go to bed, I'll give you something to make you sleep.
My invitation!
Agnes.
Mama.
Your shoes are in your pocket.
No one will recognize you.
Beware:
At midnight your coach will turn back into a pumpkin.
Look how beautiful you are.
Nikoline Petronella von Hoff of Welhaven.
Miss von Hoff of Welhaven is 16 years old, -
- 5 feet 5 inches tall -
- and she is one of eight siblings.
Her favorite foods are beef and fruit.
I would love to taste her oyster.
Her hobbies include -
- flower arranging and needlework.
It's important to know needlework.
Her hands are too small for your "needle".
-The tighter, the better. -You pig!
Give me your paws.
From Sophie von Kronenberg's Finishing School for Girls:
Elvira von... Stepsister!
Miss Stepsister -
- is 18 years old, 5 feet 9 inches tall.
She's the daughter of Rebekka von Rosenhoff.
Her favorite food is vegetables.
Her favorite activity is long walks.
She's a treat, eh?
Half a year ago, her favorite food was cake.
She was round as a ball. I got her into shape.
She's a good girl, obedient and devoted.
Incredible!
Check out those boobs!
One and two - and up!
Don't look down!
They're queuing up to dance with you!
His Royal Highness Prince Julian will open the ball with a dance.
Your Royal Highness.
Will you do me the honor?
Play!
You are beautiful.
Who is she?
Sorry I'm late.
Music!
What's wrong with you?
Answer me!
Mama, I'm dying.
Mama, I'm dying!
Stop crying now.
There are lots of other great men out there.
Pull yourself together!
Elvira, this is the heir to the salmon baron.
Frederik von Bluckfish. Do you like oysters?
No.
Fish?
No.
Shrimps?
Yes.
I have to go.
Wait!
The girl who fits this shoe...
She's the one I will marry!
The shoe... Give it to me!
Give me that shoe!
Give it to me!
No!
Give it to me!
Elvira?
Stop it!
What secrets are you hiding from me?
-You're all insane! - It was her!
Go to bed, Elvira.
-But it was her! - I have to pee.
Go to bed now.
-What if the Prince comes... -Enough!
I have to peel!
You had your chance. Beat it!
My goddess!
My toes! Get them off!
I'm going to fit the shoe!
You have to help me. I'm going to fit the shoe, Mama!
Hush...
My sweet girl... This will help you.
A little more.
There, there, my girl. Mama is here, you will be fine.
What shall we do?
Hush...
You've cut the wrong foot, my love.
The Prince has the left shoe.
No.
No!
-Leave her be! -The shoe will fit her.
Elvira!
Yes, Mother?
Your Royal Highness.
It fits.
Send message to the castle that I have found my beloved -
- and we will be married.
Elvira!
Our Elvira!
The prince is coming!
The Prince is coming!
All noble virgins come out, -
- he's here to find who fits the shoe!
Bow to His Royal Highness Prince Julian!
It fits!
I have found my Princess.
Beautiful virgin, how I have longed for thee!
Elvira?
Alma...
-We are leaving now. -Yeah.
Where is the antidote?
I bet it's hungry.
It's coming out!
Go on...
-Come on! -Hold me steady!
OK?
Hold me!
Hold him.
We have to cross the border before it gets dark.
Come on - on three.
One - two - three!
We're out of here.
THE END