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[whistling]
[glass rattles]
♪ Ooh, yes ♪
♪ I'm walkin' in 'n' out ♪
♪ And you feel mesmerized ♪
♪ I get close ♪
♪ And you feel hypnotized ♪
♪ Now ♪
Heads up! Good defense! Good defense!
♪ It's the work of a bad time voodoo man ♪
[clatter]
♪ So don't try and break this spell ♪
♪ You listen up and listen well ♪
♪ With the power of suggestion ♪
[shattered glass rattles]
♪ Now it's strange but it's true ♪
♪ What I put on you ♪
♪ I got the power of suggestion ♪
♪ Power ♪
♪ It makes you do all the things ♪
♪ That you never would do ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ Just let your spirit run wild ♪
♪ Now, it's mind over matter ♪
♪ It's not what I'm after ♪
♪ Just let your spirit...♪
We're going downtown.
♪ With the power of suggestion ♪
♪ Power ♪
[dog barks]
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
What do you want?
HDS, sir. And how are you this afternoon?
All righty, then.
I have a package for you.
[tinkle tinkle]
Sounds broken.
Most likely, sir.
I'll bet it was something nice, though.
Now, this is an insurance form.
If you'll just sign here, here, and here,
initial here, and print your name here,
we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
That's a lovely dog you have there, sir.
You mind if I pet him?
I don't give a rat's ass.
All righty, then.
Oh, you boo!
Oh, you boo boo doo doo!
Joo boo baby doo boo.
- [arf] - Oh doo boo doo.
[cooing]
Oh, brother.
That's fine, sir. I can finish the rest.
You just have yourself a good day.
Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.
Excuse me, HDS!
HDS coming through!
Got a package, people!
[crash]
♪ Your dreams are late at HDS ♪
[voices in the hallway]
Get away from the door.
What's the matter with you?
I said git!
[squeaks]
Son of a bitch!
That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen.
Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be a loser.
- Loo-hoo-se-her! - [arf]
Hungry, fella?
[arf]
There ya go.
[engine doesn't start]
No problem. It gets flooded.
We'll just wait a few seconds.
Aah!
Or we can try it now.
[roars]
Come on!
Get out! Get out!
[arf arf arf]
Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
Ooh! Jeez!
I'll kill you!
Oh, you want to give me a push while you're back there, pal?
Aah!
All righty, then.
[engine starts]
[laughs]
It's alive!
[arf arf arf arf]
Aah! Oh!
- [arf] - Aah-ha!
[arf arf]
- Ha! - Aah!
Ruff ruff ruff.
- [arf arf] - Arf.
[arf arf arf]
[arf arf]
Arf! Arf arf arf arf.
Oh, my little baby. Come here!
You missed Mommy, didn't you?
Oh, yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you?
I won't let him. No, I won't.
He can keep that big TV, but he's not going to hurt my baby.
No, he's not. No.
Thank you, Mr. Ventura.
How can I ever repay you?
Well, the reward would be good.
There is some damage to my car.
It's a high-performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.
Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?
Gee, let me think.
Um, sure.
[unzips pants]
Whoa. Gee.
[laughs] For the love of Pete!
People are real friendly around here!
Whoa!
[water rippling]
[dolphin moans]
[tires screech]
[television plays]
And now, let's meet our contestants.
First, meet our challenger.
She's a housewife from Lubbock...
Ventura.
Yes, Satan?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
You sounded like someone else.
Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura.
[cough cough]
You owe me rent.
Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority.
I'm on a very big case right now.
Check this out. Look at that.
That's a true albino pigeon.
Some rich guy lost it.
He's offering a $25,000 reward.
As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
I heard animals in there, Ventura.
I heard 'em again this morning scratchin' around.
I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Fiber.
Want to take a look inside? Come on.
Go ahead. Snoop around.
[sniff sniff sniff sniff]
- Well? Are you satisfied? - [sniff]
Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here, that's all.
All right. Take care now.
Bye-bye, then.
Loser.
[whistles]
Come to me, jungle friends.
♪ Aaaahhhh ♪
Roger, let me ask you one question.
How in the hell do you lose a 500-pound fish?
What?
I'm sorry, sir. I was just going to say
that it's not a fish. It's a mammal.
Thank you, Ms. Jacques Cousteau.
Don, she didn't mean anything by that.
I don't give a good goddamn about that fish.
Filet it and fast food it if you want to.
All I give a damn about's winning the Super Bowl.
My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place.
Shit, Roger, you've been in this business a long time.
You know how superstitious these players are.
I've got a quarterback that puts his socks on backwards.
Has since high school.
I've got a linebacker
that has not washed his jockey strap in two years
because he thinks flies are lucky.
Now, I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday.
Find the fish or find new jobs!
Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl?
I'll tell you who did it.
It's those goddamn animal rights activists!
Always out there with their goddamn signs.
"Animals were born free. Stop torturing Snowflake."
That damn fish lives better than they do.
Roger, the police are checking into the animal rights groups.
Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?
No, but I wanted to tell you,
when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.
A what?
A pet detective.
Thanks, Martha, but we'd better leave this to professionals.
Well, actually, he was quite good.
Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.
[coos]
Coo, coo.
Aah!
- [pager beeps] - [groaning]
Like a glove.
Uh, Mr. Ventura here to see you.
Thanks, Martha.
Hi. I'm Melissa Robinson.
Pleasure to meet you.
Did you have any trouble getting in?
No. The guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
Security's tight Super Bowl week.
Ahh.
Why don't you have a seat.
I'll get right to the point, Mr. Ventura.
Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night.
Are you familiar with Snowflake?
Negative.
We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium.
He's a rare bottlenose dolphin.
This is one of the new tricks
he was going to do for the halftime show.
Come on, Snowflake. Let's go.
[chatters]
Blue 42. Blue 42. Hut. Hut!
All right!
Come on, Snowflake! Let's go!
Good boy!
Would you like an ashtray?
Mm-mm. I don't smoke.
It's a disgusting habit.
Set hut!
[Melissa] The police were here this morning.
Apparently, the kidnappers came in through the back gate
They said some kind of a...
Four-wheel-drive van, loaded from the rear.
Oh.
Hey, Roger. How you holding up?
Well, if I look like I'm walking funny,
it's because I got two dozen reporters up my ass.
They been asking me about Snowflake all morning.
Who's he?
Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.
He's our pet detective.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Came very highly recommended by Martha Metz.
Martha Metz.
Oh, yeah. The bitch.
What?
Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area.
She was half dead when I found her.
Is that the tank?
Excuse me.
Cops drain it?
Yes. This morning.
If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
[imitating Captain Kirk] Captain's log. Stardate 23.9.
Rounded off to the... nearest decimal point.
We've... traveled back in time
to save an ancient species from total annihilation.
So far, no signs of aquatic life,
but I'm going to find it.
If I have to tear this universe another black hole,
I'm going to find it.
I've...got to, mister!
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
[clamor]
Oh, great!
I'll see if I can head them off.
Ace, get out of the tank.
[imitating Scotty] I just can't do it, Captain.
I don't have the power!
- Podacter! - People!
I said get out of the tank now.
[imitating Dr. McCoy] For God's sake, Jim,
I'm a doctor, not a pool man!
Snowflake is not available right now.
Not available? Roger, I've been waiting all day.
I got to get a shot of his new trick
for the evening news.
What, is he sick?
[all talking at once]
People, people.
[cop] Lassie must be missing.
Hey, uh, hey, Ventura.
Ventura.
Make any good collars lately?
Or were they leashes?
[all laugh]
Heh heh heh heh.
Uh-oh.
- Eew! - Eew!
Homicide, Ventura.
Now, how you gonna solve that one?
Good question, Aguado.
First, I'd establish a motive.
In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick
and became insanely jealous.
- Ooh. - [laughter]
Then I'd lose 30 pounds...
porking his wife!
Now kiss and make up.
Excuse me.
I'd like to ass you a few questions.
Ah, this is not the time, Ace.
If Einhorn come down here and see me talking to you
or your ass, I'm history.
I think I can keep him under control,
but you'll have to tell me
who's working the Snowflake case.
Hey, I can't do nothin' for you on that.
My hands are totally tied.
All right, that's it. Now it's my turn.
Five minutes alone. That's all I need. Come on!
Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.
Ooh! ♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪
Oh, now, Ace, please, man. Please.
What's the matter, Emilio?
Afraid I'll make a stink? Huh? Come on!
All right, Aguado's working the case, all right?
Aguado.
Aguado? Good call.
Look here, we're just a little busy right now
with murderers and burglaries
and drug dealers and things like that.
A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.
[grunting]
Now you pissed him off.
Would you please give me a break, man.
I can't hold him much longer!
My boss is coming, man!
Okay, okay, look, we ran a check
with all the local animal rights groups, all right?
We checked out the taxidermists
and ran a check through a local DMV
on all recent van rentals.
So far, nothing, Nathan, nada, all right?
Any unusual bets being made?
Of course there's bets being made.
It's the Super Bowl.
What'd you find out about the tank?
Nothing unusual, okay?
Some tire tracks, an escape route,
and the guard didn't see anything.
- That's it? - That's it. I swear.
Now would you please get the hell out of here
before I get in trouble?
Thank you for all your cooperation.
By the way, do you have a mint?
Perhaps some Binaca?
[cough cough cough]
♪ Asshole o mio ♪
♪ Oh, sodomia ♪
Holy testicle Tuesday!
What the hell is he doing here?
I came to confess.
I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Spare me the routine, Ventura.
I know you're working the Snowflake case.
May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one?
We'll find the porpoise.
Whew!
Now I feel better.
Of course, that... might not do any good.
You see, nobody's missing a porpoise.
It's a dolphin that's been taken.
The common harbor porpoise
has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth,
and a triangular thoracic fin,
while the bottlenose dolphin,
or tursiops truncatus,
has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth,
and a serrated dorsal appendage.
But I'm sure you already knew that.
That's what turns me on about you...
your attention to detail.
Listen, pet dick,
how would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Well, I'm...
not really ready for a relationship, Lois,
but thank you for asking.
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call some time.
Your number still 911?
All righty, then.
Pblblt.
[playing heavy metal music]
Yeah!
Excuse me. Is Greg here?
Thank you.
[man] What's the password?
New England clam chowder.
Is that the red or the white?
Oh, I can never remember that.
White?
Yes.
Hey, Woodstock.
Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going?
Super and thank you for asking.
I hope you're having a lovely day.
Do you?
Don't I?
So what are you up to, mandinga?
Just watching the fishies, Man-o-shevitz.
You see those blips?
That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.
I'm sending them new directional coordinates.
They'll find Jimmy Hoffa
before they find any humpback whales.
[Ace] Ha-ha! Gravy.
So can you still tap
into the aquatic supply stores in the area?
Of course I can. Why?
I want to trace the sale of any equipment
for transporting or housing a dolphin
within the last few months.
Come on, Ace.
I thought you had a challenge for me.
All right, we got marine winch, sling,
feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Lookie here.
Now, that's a hell of a lot of equipment for a civilian.
Ronald Camp, the billionaire?
Yeah, billionaire and rare fish collector.
Really?
That, my friend, is the face of the enemy,
always trying to get his greedy little hands
on endangered species.
Now, hold on.
Ronald Camp is connected with the Dolphins?
Yeah, that subgenius gave them the land
the new stadium's built on.
And look at this.
He's throwing another "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.
Hmm.
Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date.
[classical music plays]
I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura.
Camp's social events are strictly A-list.
Gee, Chuck, the date started off good,
but just before we got to the party,
she seemed to tense up.
I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp...
What? Like this?
[laughs]
[squawks like a bird]
Ow!
Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc?
Permission to come aboard, sir?
[party chatter]
I'm sorry, ladies.
Melissa.
Oh, hi, Ron.
Glad you could make it.
Thank you.
You look wonderful.
Aw, thanks.
And who is he, a friend?
Um, no, this is... this is my date.
He's a lawyer.
Well, does he have a name,
or should I call him lawyer?
Ooh. [chuckles]
I'm sorry. This is Ace...
uh, Tom Ace.
Tom Ace.
Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Camp.
And congratulations on all your success.
You smell terrific.
I was just telling Melissa one of the first lessons we learned
back at Stanford Law
was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims
against wealthy private homeowners.
In fact, if one were so inclined,
one could make quite a lucrative law practice
with little else. [laughs]
How is everybody feeling tonight?
Very, very well, thank you.
Oh, look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres.
[strums instrument]
Are you insane?
There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake.
What are you trying to do?
Will you just keep him occupied while I work my magic, please?
Squishy, isn't it?
I got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris.
Great.
Excuse me, Ron.
I, uh, need to use the bathroom.
I think it's the paté.
Sure, it's over there.
Thanks.
Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
Oh, God.
He wasn't feeling well earlier today.
[Mission: Impossible Theme plays]
[theme music ends]
Gravy.
Don't worry, Snowflake.
Ace Ventura's here.
Yummy!
Snowflake?
Here, Snowflake.
I've got a little snack for you.
[whistles]
Aah!
They're wonderful, aren't they?
Yes, they certainly are.
No matter what's going on in my life,
I can always watch them swim and be totally at peace.
It's not Snowflake.
It's not Snowflake!
Aah! Oh!
[classical music continues]
Are you sure your date is all right?
It's been an awfully long time.
Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
[stop playing]
Do not go in there.
Whoo!
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace.
I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.
Be sure that you do.
If I'd been drinking out of the toilet,
I might have been killed.
I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Ron.
What is he doing?
Ace, what are... Let's go.
Ace, stop it.
I don't even want to know why your pants are missing.
I don't care what happened. You could have cost me my job.
So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank.
Excuse me while I call CNN.
I found it in the filter, thank you very much.
And it's not a pebble.
It's a rare, triangular-cut orange amber.
What are you talking about?
Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.
I thought you said Camp didn't do it.
No, Camp's clean.
His ring wasn't missing a stone.
But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like it.
Ring? What ring?
The 1984 Dolphin AFC Championship ring.
I find the ring with the missing stone,
I find Snowflake.
How are you going to do that?
Simple.
Pblblt.
Hey, loser!
Why don't you learn how to drive, pal? Huh?
♪ Na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na ♪
Damn it.
♪ If you think that you're strong ♪
♪ Want to fight, well, come on ♪
♪ And line up ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ When the goin' gets tough ♪
♪ And you don't get enough ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ We got to get up, get out ♪
♪ Before they get us ♪
♪ Leanin' up against the wall ♪
♪ Yeah, it's got to start tough ♪
♪ Come and line up ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ So don't be surprised ♪
♪ When they pull the wool over your eyes ♪
♪ Yeah, don't get funked up ♪
Ya ha ha ha ha ha!
♪ Na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ If you got all the stuff ♪
♪ And you can't get enough ♪
♪ Then line up ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ If you're out on a limb and you wanna come in ♪
♪ Then line up ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Your head's down, sittin' 'round ♪
♪ Pick your face up off the ground ♪
♪ And get yourself together, baby ♪
♪ And learn to stand tough ♪
♪ Come on and line up ♪
♪ Line up ♪
♪ You better get to it ♪
♪ Instead of just standin' around ♪
♪ It's time to get down ♪
♪ Come on, y'all ♪
[zips up pants]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Na na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na ♪
[dog whimpers]
Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere.
It could have come from a necklace
or a pendant, an earring.
It came from an '84 AFC Championship ring.
You know, Lieutenant Einhorn thinks
that it may have been an animal rights group.
Have you ever heard of F.A.N.?
Free Animals Now?
Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble,
daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble?
Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?
No, who are they?
Well, did you know that last year
they sent 127 threatening letters to different college teams,
demanding the release of their mascots?
What do you feed your dog?
Oh...dog food. Why?
He is miserable.
What are you talking about?
He's just very unhappy. I feel sorry for him.
Bad diet, isolated environment.
It's amazing he's still alive.
[chuckles] You know, you're just mad
because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out,
and you don't know how to express your anger.
Yeah? And you're ugly.
You know what? I'm not even gonna talk to you.
Would you please leave?
Why? So you can beat him...fatty?
- You're unbelievable. - [telephone rings]
Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags?
[ring]
You like her, huh?
Yeah, she's all right.
Melissa.
Look, Melissa, I, uh...
[female reporter] I'm here at the North Beach Towers,
a luxury condo complex in North Miami,
where Roger Podacter,
head of operations for the Miami Dolphins,
has apparently committed suicide,
allegedly leaping to his death from his own 20th-story balcony.
Lieutenant Lois Einhorn of the Miami Police Department
- has yet to comment. - Please. Move back, please.
But it's believed that investigators are baffled as to the motive.
Are you okay?
[woman] Well, I told you,
I was in my apartment across the hall,
Yes, ma'am.
- I heard a scream. - Uh-huh.
So I called the manager.
The place was empty except for that damn dog
in the other room.
I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing,
splat, bang, pancake time.
[officer] Okay. Thank you very much.
I'm going to leave you one of my cards.
Hi there, fella. Have a bad night?
[ruff ruff ruff]
So...animals can sense evil.
Who let Dr. Dolittle in?
Uh, Lieutenant, he came with Ms. Robinson.
This is official police business.
We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick.
[all laugh]
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Oh, just face it...
E, forget it. She's right.
Besides, I wouldn't want somebody tracing my steps,
pointing out all the mistakes I was making.
So you don't think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Lord knows there's plenty of evidence here
to support your theory,
except, of course, for that spot of blood
on the railing over there.
May I tell you what I think happened?
All righty, then.
Roger Podacter went out after work.
He had a few drinks and he came home.
But he wasn't alone.
Someone else was with him in this apartment.
There was a struggle,
and he was thrown over that balcony.
Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide.
He was murdered.
Well, that's a very entertaining story,
but unfortunately,
real detectives have to worry about that little thing called evidence.
Uh-oh!
I think I heard a toilet flush.
Maybe somebody lost a turtle.
[all laugh]
Well, I...guess I'm a little out of my league here.
Einhorn, good work.
Ooh.
Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.
This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor.
She lives across the hall.
She said she heard a scream.
- Is that right, ma'am? - Right.
And you said you had to open the balcony door
when you keyed into the room?
That's true.
You're certain you had to open this door?
Yeah, I'm certain.
What's the point, Ventura?
Only this.
♪ Ahh...♪
[silence]
♪ Ahh...♪
[silence]
♪ Ahh...♪
[silence]
♪ Ahhhh ♪
This is double-paned soundproof glass.
There's no way that neighbor
could have heard Podacter scream on the way down
with that door shut.
The scream she heard came from inside this apartment
before he was thrown over the balcony,
and the murderer closed the door before he left.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, yeah!
Can you feel that, buddy?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
[Southern drawl] I have exorcised the demons.
This house is clear.
Losers.
Get him out of here!
Losers!
Let's go, Ace.
Losers.
Loo-oo-sers.
- Losers. - Come on, Ace.
- Losers. - Back to the zoo.
[door closes]
[Melissa] What are you thinking?
I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.
I'm thinking I want to find that other ring.
Ace, you checked all the rings.
[Ace] Receipts. What about receipts?
There's got to be receipts.
You know, that was pretty impressive,
what you did back at the apartment.
You don't have to tell me.
I was there.
Maybe you should have joined the police force,
become a real detective.
I don't do humans.
You really love animals, don't you?
If it gets cold enough.
[Melissa chuckles]
No, I have a kinship with them.
I, uh, I understand them.
Want to hear something kind of spooky?
Sure.
One time when I was about 12,
I had this dream
I was being followed by a big dog with rabies.
He had these really bloodshot eyes
and foam coming out of his mouth.
No matter how fast I ran,
he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me
and gaining on me.
And just before I got to my front door,
he jumped and sank his teeth in.
And that's when I woke up
and felt the back of my neck.
Check that out.
- Woof! Woof! Woof! - Aah!
You...bastard. [laughs]
I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself.
You really want to know why I do what I do?
No, I'm not sure I really want to know anymore.
Well, you'd better be sure,
because once you get inside my head,
there's no turning back, baby.
So, um... [clears throat]
Are these all the receipts?
There's only a dozen.
No, maybe it's in another file, in the back or something.
Who the hell is that?
Oh, what?
That?
Who the hell is that?
That's Ray Finkle, the kicker.
Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?
No. How come he's not in this picture?
This was taken earlier in the year.
Ray Finkle wasn't added to the roster till midseason.
He's the guy who missed the final field goal
in the Super Bowl that year.
Cost the Dolphins the game.
But he got himself a ring, didn't he?
Definitely.
[Melissa reading]
"Field goal sails wide. Dolphins lose Super Bowl."
"The kick heard round the world."
That was Finkle.
The Dolphins lost by one point.
Whew.
[Melissa] Poor guy.
Poor guy with a motive, baby.
Where is he now?
Last I heard, he went back to his hometown in Collier County.
Re...heh heh heh...eally.
You are gonna drop me off before you go, aren't you?
No way. You shouldn't be left alone right now.
It might not be safe at your apartment.
What do you suggest?
[The Lion Sleeps Tonight plays]
♪ Wee-ee-um-um-a-weh ♪
♪ Wimoweh, wimoweh ♪
♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪
♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪
♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪
♪ Wee-ee-ee...♪
[squawks]
[chatters]
[groans] Oh, my God.
Three times?
I'm sorry. That's never happened to me before.
I must be tired.
[moans]
Okay, I'm ready again.
[dog barks in the distance]
Hi. I'm looking for Ray Finkle...
[cocks gun]
and a clean pair of shorts.
What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[inhales]
Soccer-style kicker.
Graduated from Collier High June 1976.
Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980.
Holds two NCAA division-one records,
one for most points in a season, one for distance.
Former nickname, "The Mule."
The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County,
and one hell of a model American.
[inhales and exhales]
Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan.
This is my Graceland, sir.
Will you put that gun down?
The boy is a fan of our son.
So nice to meet you.
I'm Ray's mother,
and this is Ray's father.
It's a real honor.
Well, it's an honor to have you in our home.
My Ray is so appreciative of his fans.
He'll be so pleased you stopped by.
Are you expecting Ray any time soon?
Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.
Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.
Yummy.
[humming a tune]
Wow!
Ray Finkle's house.
I can't wait to meet him.
[baking sheet bangs] Oop, oop.
Ray ain't coming home.
But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
She expects him home any minute.
See, the engine's running,
but there's nobody behind the wheel.
I mean, eight years ago, our son escaped
from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa,
and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
It was all that Dan Marino's fault.
Everyone knows that.
If he had held the ball laces out like he was supposed to,
Ray would never have missed that kick.
Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
Would you like a cookie, son?
Hmm.
What do you know?
They're little footballs.
Laces out.
When Ray gets back and starts kicking again,
he'll never even know he was gone.
I've kept his room just the way he left it.
Oh, boy.
What a sports nut, huh?
May I?
Oh, yes. By all means.
Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl XVII.
The Dolphins trailing the 49ers by one.
This will win the game for Miami.
There's the snap.
Marino holds.
The kick.
And it's wide.
Oh, no! It's no good!
Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal.
I don't believe it.
The Dolphins lose.
The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl.
Oh, no!
Melissa, it's Ace.
Ace, where are you?
I'm in psycho-ville, and Finkle's the mayor.
Where's Dan Marino?
Marino? Why?
Because he's about to join Snowflake.
I've gotta know where he is.
All right, he had a practice
and then he has a commercial shoot
at the Bogart sound stage.
Okay, call the police.
Get extra security over there now.
Ace, what's going on?
Ace? Ace!
Thought I left, didn't ya?
Okay, I'm really gonna go this time.
Okay, here we go, folks.
- Very quiet and... - Action.
Hi, I'm Dan Marino,
and if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me.
So I take care of the hands that take care of me...
[grunts]
With Isotoner gloves.
[director] Cut. Again from the top.
I said cut.
Guys, it's a cut.
What the hell are they doing?
Hey, guys!
That's a cut! Guys, that's a cut.
Paul, Hank, let's go!
- What is this, a rewrite? - Shut up!
- Where'd they go? - Over there!
Let's go!
Hold it right there!
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Pet detective.
[gunfire]
Come on! What's the matter with you?
Can't you hit me?
[gunfire]
Whew!
[starts engine]
Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?
There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.
What about with the Super Bowl?
Will it be postponed?
As of now, the game is on as scheduled.
Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?
Secrecy was essential.
We couldn't risk any public interference.
Are the crimes related?
And what about Roger Podacter's murder?
I'm sorry. I can't comment further.
Now if you'll excuse me.
[all shouting questions]
Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter.
Aguado, send out a memo.
No one talks to the press.
Yes, ma'am.
And somebody get me some coffee!
Tonight on Miami Vice,
Crockett gets the boss a coffee.
Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom,
you'd better be gone!
Is it number one or number two?
I just want to know how much time I have.
Hey, uh, by the way,
I went ahead and solved
that pesky Snowflake- Podacter-Marino thing.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. You ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker
named Ray Finkle?
All right, Ventura.
Make it quick.
I found a rare stone
at the bottom of Snowflake's tank.
It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring.
It would've been a Super Bowl ring,
but Ray Finkle missed the big kick.
Blames the whole thing on Marino.
We're talking paranoid delusional psychosis.
I saw the guy's room.
It's cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter.
So how does Roger Podacter fit in?
My guess is Finkle was snooping around,
Podacter recognized him.
End of story.
As for Snowflake,
they gave him Finkle's number,
taught him how to kick a field goal.
Finkle took it personally.
So where is Finkle now?
Busted out of a mental institute. Did a Claude Rains.
He's been plotting his revenge for years,
waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins...
the time it would hurt them the most...
Super Bowl time!
Man, I'm tired of being right.
Congratulations.
You've done some fine detective work...
Ace.
I'm sorry.
Could you speak into my good ear?
I thought I heard you call me Ace.
Maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.
Your gun is digging into my hip.
What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?
Maybe later.
What is it?
That bony little bitch Melissa Robinson?
No. You just don't do anything for me.
[imitates whip cracking] Down, boy!
[knock on door]
Everything okay in here? I heard some commotion.
Fine, Sergeant.
You want me to throw him out?
Why don't you throw yourself out?
Yes, ma'am.
Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.
I can't do that, Lieutenant.
I was hired to find Snowflake.
When we find Marino, we'll deliver Snowflake.
When I find Snowflake...
I'll deliver Marino.
[woof]
- [knock on door] - [dog barking]
[knock knock knock knock]
Melissa, it's Ace.
Ace, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.
You have to commit me.
[Ace] Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in Tampa.
They still have some of his stuff.
Ace, they're not just gonna just let us waltz in and look around.
I know.
It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise.
Mrs. Robinson, I'm Dr. Handly.
Hi.
Now, who is it that you'd like us to have a look at?
My brother...Larry.
I'm ready to go in, coach. Just give me a chance.
I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological.
Just got to stay in a positive frame of mind.
I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern
in super slo-mo.
[speaking in slo-mo]
Let's see that in an instant replay.
[speaking backwards]
Your brother won't be
the first professional football player we've treated.
- Is that right? - Yes.
We're very sensitive to the emotional stress
that athletes have to endure.
I'm open! I'm open!
I'm open!
We will have to do some preliminary evaluations,
but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.
Over here!
3-51!
Rover! Sit! Hut! Hut!
He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game.
Does he have a long history of mental illness?
As long as I've known him.
And this is one of our therapy rooms.
And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard.
And this is the storage room.
And down the hallway here...
[imitates whistle] Halftime!
[hums marching band song]
[thud]
He'll be fine there by himself for the next 20 minutes.
Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?
Great.
[P.A.] Dr. Hyer, please call the page operator.
Dr. Hyer, please call the page operator.
[bubble wrap pops]
"Finkle."
Isotoners.
Whew.
Obsess much?
[man] Hey, hey, where you going?
[man] I'm going to clean the storage room.
Then I'm supposed to clean the cafeteria.
Look, I don't tell you how to do your job,
but it says here on the schedule
you're supposed to clean the cafeteria.
I know what I'm doing. You understand that?
You should've cleaned it earlier.
- Come on. - Your attention my ass.
I'm cleaning in here.
You take breaks too long. You smoke...
Man, you're a pain in the ass.
"Search called off for missing hiker.
A massive search ended today
when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn,
a hiker missing since Friday."
Lois Einhorn?
Holy shitballs!
[honk honk]
[Einhorn] What are you doing out here?
Get back to work.
[man] Sorry, Lieutenant.
"Love, Roger"?
[click]
Yo, Ace. It's E.
You think the article that you found was something?
Check this out.
I got a note from Podacter to Einhorn
thanking her for a wonderful Saturday evening.
Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man.
Wiggles, rewind.
What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle?
Come on, think!
Finkle and Einhorn in it together.
How? Why?
All right, here we go.
The answer's right there.
Just got to get some blood to the brain.
Finkle and Einhorn.
Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn.
Finkle, Einhorn.
Finkle, Finkle. F-f-f-f-f.
Einhorn and Finkle.
Finkle and Einhorn.
Quitter.
What do you want? Huh?
I don't have any food for you.
I have to have money to buy food.
I have to have a dolphin to get the money.
I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?
Let's face it.
Your master is a loser.
Loo...hoo...
What the...
That's it.
Einhorn is Finkle.
Finkle is Einhorn!
Einhorn is a man!
Oh, my God!
Einhorn is a man?
Aah! Ooh!
[retching]
[Crying Game plays]
[retching]
[whimpers]
No.
No!
No.
"Your gun is digging into my hip."
God!
And the big story in this Super Bowl game,
just moments away,
is the abduction of Miami's starting quarterback,
number 13, Dan Marino.
It's got to be a strain on this Miami team.
[guitar ala Dr. No Theme twangs]
What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun?
I just love Super Bowl Sunday.
Don't you, Dan?
A magical afternoon, where dreams are made...
[grunts]
and crushed.
Look, lady, if you want tickets,
you're going about it the wrong way.
Do I look familiar to you, Dan?
Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?
I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.
Now the coin toss.
Kickoff time.
My favorite thing.
It looks like Philadelphia has elected to kick off.
That just shows that their defense...
Laces out.
With Marino out,
they're going to be putting a lot of pressure
on this young replacement quarterback.
And there's the kick.
This year's Super Bowl is underway!
[crowd cheers]
I made some refreshments, Dan.
Would you like some refreshments, Dan?
I'll be right back...Dan.
[man] And it was his wife.
[laughter]
Hey, guys.
I don't know how much psycho-woman's paying you,
but I'll double it.
Hey, sorry, Danny boy.
Psycho-woman keeps us out of prison.
Hey, Snowflake.
There you go. Come on.
Check it out, Marino.
I'm throwing passes to a dolphin.
[laughter]
Hey, you're better than Marino.
[Snowflake chatters]
Go get some more fish.
I ought to kill that dolphin.
[imitates Sean Connery] Lovely party.
Pity I wasn't invited.
Where the hell's the smelt?
- [guitar riff] - Hmm. Unconscious.
Exactly as I planned.
[chuckles]
Grrr.
Woof!
Hey, Roc, what the hell was that?
[cocks gun]
Oh, shit!
What happened, huh?
What's going on?
Are you okay?
Guess what, boys?
It's nap time.
Oh, what a hit!
Did Hershel Walker ever take a hit on the...
Heads up!
Hi, Dan.
Who are you?
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
I've been sent in with a special play...
the quarterback sneak.
[cocks gun] Penalty.
Too many men on the field.
I warned you, Ventura.
Whatever happened to Ace?
Good question.
Be careful with that phone, Lieutenant.
In time, you could develop a tumor.
Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn.
Send some men over to the Hallandale Yacht Basin
on Victoria Road.
I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse.
It's Ace Ventura, pet detective.
[sirens, tires screeching]
[police dispatcher] 211 in progress,
343 Victorville Road
at the old Hallandale Yacht Basin.
Officer needs backup.
Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male caucasian.
Should be considered armed and dangerous.
It's Ace. We gotta break out of here.
Emilio, is he in trouble?
Don't worry. If there's one thing I know,
there's nothing Ace can't handle.
[whimpering] Don't kill me!
Please!
I'll never tell anyone. I swear.
He's the one you want. Kill him!
- No, no, kill him! - No, kill him!
- He held the ball. - He's the detective.
Come on, look at... [gunshot]
Crybaby!
- Jock! - Wimp!
Musclehead.
Shut up!
I think I'll kill the dolphin first.
I wouldn't want you to miss that.
And there's the snap.
The kick...
and it's good!
Good to see somebody
who doesn't buckle under the pressure.
[cocks gun]
What would you know about pressure?
Well, I have kissed a man.
Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick in a Super Bowl
than the famous kick heard round the world.
I mean, It's clear to me that it was a good hold.
Finkle just booted it.
The laces were in!
They were in!
Hyah!
Aah!
Oh, you like that? Huh?
You like that?
And that and that!
Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?
You don't understand. She's a...
Get him, Lois. Get him!
Ooh.
Yeah!
Shoot him!
[guns cock]
Shoot him!
Hold your fire!
Don't shoot!
Put your guns down or this cop gets it!
I mean it!
She's not joking!
He kidnapped Snowflake!
He killed Roger Podacter!
He was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!
Ho ho ho!
Fiction can be fun,
but I find the reference section much more enlightening.
For instance, if you were to look up
professional football's all-time bonehead plays,
you might read about
a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle,
who missed a 26-yard field goal
in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[inhales]
What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind,
was committed to a mental hospital,
only to escape and join the police force
under the assumed identity of a missing hiker,
manipulating his way to the top
in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino,
whom he blamed for the entire thing.
What the hell are you talking about?
She's not Lois Einhorn!
She's Ray Finkle. She's a man.
He's lying! Shoot him!
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!
Let's just see who's lying, shall we?
Would a real woman have to wear one of these?
Aah!
Boy, that's really on there.
But tell me this.
Would a real woman...
be missing these?
[laughs]
That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.
But I doubt very much
if he could find the time during his busy schedule
to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish!
Oh, boy.
[Dan] Psst. Psst. Ace.
Come here.
Would you excuse me for just one second?
[whispering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino
has just brought some new evidence to my attention.
Now, history has certainly shown
that even the most intuitive criminal investigator
can be wrong from time to time,
but if I am mistaken,
if the lieutenant is indeed a woman
as she claims to be,
then, my friend, she is suffering
from the worst case of hemorrhoids
I have ever seen!
That's why Roger Podacter is dead!
He found Captain Winkie!
♪ I know all there is to know ♪
♪ About the crying game ♪
[chatters]
Good night, everybody.
You've been a wonderful audience.
I'll be here all week.
Be sure to tip your waitress.
Die, animal boy!
Quick decision.
Aah!
Loser!
- Ace! - Yeah, Dan?
Do you have any more of that gum?
That's none of your damn business,
and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy!
[P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen!
The Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back
to Joe Robbie Stadium
our beloved mascot
and the star of our halftime show,
Snowflake!
[crowd cheers]
And now, returning for the second half,
the Miami Dolphins' most valuable player,
Dan Marino!
Shh!
Coo.
Coo!
- Idiot! - What?
Do you realize what you've just done?
You just cost me 25 grand, Polly.
Yeah? Blow me.
Really.
[P.A.] The National Football League
would now like to offer a special thank you
to the man who rescued Dan Marino
and our beloved Snowflake,
a great humanitarian and lover of all animals,
Mr. Ace Ventura!
[crowd cheers]
Get off me!
[Ace] Tone, put that big-ass size 13 on
and kick it for the homies.
[music plays]
[Tarzan yell]
♪ Just callin' my dog, man ♪
♪ Tricks are for kids, and men are for tricks ♪
♪ Ace, he's the number one pet dick ♪
♪ No need for a fireman ♪
♪ When your cat's up a tree ♪
♪ He's the one that you hire, man ♪
♪ Known to bring 'em back alive ♪
♪ If your cat's scratched or if your turkey got jive ♪
♪ A little loco en la cabeza but still got charm ♪
♪ Brought 'em back to Ol' MacDonald's farm ♪
♪ So, hey, diddle diddle, what's laid in the park? ♪
♪ Chasin' more pets than Noah on his ark ♪
♪ No need for a paint if numbers get deleted ♪
♪ Ace on the case and the job is completed ♪
♪ Simple as Simon when I start rhymin' ♪
♪ Always tell the truth, so you know I'm not lyin' ♪
♪ Down with the ladies as a lover undercover ♪
♪ Yo, tell them where he's at, my brothers ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Yo, tell them where Ace is at ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Uh, I don't believe they heard ya ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Is he all up in the house? ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Well, if Ace is in the house, so must be Loc ♪
♪ Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke ♪
♪ Checkin' all of his bitches at home ♪
♪ But I'm the dog with the biggest bone ♪
♪ I grip the mic like pliers ♪
♪ No one's flyer ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is for hire ♪
♪ A floor room showpiece ♪
♪ Solvin' more crimes than the hot damn police ♪
♪ Tryin' to do it legal ♪
♪ Lookin' for a dolphin, beating on a eagle ♪
♪ Nothin' ever planned ♪
♪ Remember, Ace got the face of a helpful detective man ♪
♪ Crazy like Harpo ♪
♪ Busted-out windows in his Monte Carlo ♪
♪ Loud clothes, black boots duck-style hair ♪
♪ No time for a suit ♪
♪ But I don't give a damn if he's way out ♪
♪ Yo, tell 'em who's in the house ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ I don't believe they heard ya ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Yo, tell them one more time ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Tell them who's in the house ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ I don't believe they heard ya ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Is he runnin' thangs? ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Is he doin' thangs? ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
♪ To the West Side tribe ♪
♪ Tell them who's in the house ♪
♪ Ace is in the house ♪
♪ I said Ace is in the house ♪
♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪
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