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There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort.
One of 'em says, "The food at this place is really terrible."
The other one says, "Yeah, I know. And such small portions."
That's essentially how I feel about life.
Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness.
And it's all over much too quickly.
The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx.
I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious.
It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club...
...that would have someone like me for a member.
That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.
Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind.
Cos I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis.
I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top.
That's about the worst you can say about me.
I think I'm gonna get better as I get older.
I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type...
...as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance.
Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth...
...who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag...
...screaming about socialism.
Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that.
I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind...
...examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come?
A year ago we were... in love, you know.
And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character.
I... I, uh... You know...
I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess.
I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II.
He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything.
- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker.
It's something he read.
Something he read, uh?
- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding?
The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart...
...and that will be the end of everything.
What is that your business?
He stopped doing his homework.
- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it?
You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!
It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy.
And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh?
Uh? Uh?
My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories.
But I was brought up under the roller coaster...
...in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn.
Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous.
I have a hyperactive imagination.
My mind tends to jump around a little.
I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
My father ran the bumper car concession.
There he is.
And there I am.
I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time.
I remember the staff at our public school.
We had a saying: "Those who can't do, teach...
...and those who can't teach, teach gym."
And those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school.
I always thought my schoolmates were idiots.
Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face.
And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss Perfect all the time.
And Ivan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always.
Seven and three is nine.
Even then, I knew they were just jerks.
In 1942 I had already discovered women.
Ugh! He kissed me!
He kissed me! Ugh!
That's the second time this month! Step up here! Step up here!
- What did I do? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds.
I did.
For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period.
Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it.
Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy.
Tell the folks where you are today.
I run a profitable dress company.
Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today.
I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
I sell tallises.
I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict.
I'm into leather.
I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian.
They did not take me in the army. I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P.
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
You always only saw the worst in people.
You never could get along with anyone in school.
You were always out of step with the world.
Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world.
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
You're crazy.
We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife.
He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, "Jew."
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
I pick up on those kinda things.
I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, "Did you eat yet or what?"
And Tom Christie said, "No. D'you?"
Not "Did you". "D'you eat?" "D'you?"
Not "Did you eat?" but "D'you eat?" "Jew?" You get it? "Jew eat?"
- Max... - Stop calling me Max.
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy...
...looking at me in a funny way and saying, "We have a sale this week on Wagner."
Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly.
Right, Max.
California, Max.
- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it.
We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there.
No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage...
...is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie?
I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes.
Are you on television?
No.
Yeah. Once in a while. Occasionally.
- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
You were on the... uh... The Johnny Carson, right?
Once in a while, you know.
What's your name?
I'm... I'm Robert Redford.
Come on!
Alvy Singer. It was nice... Thanks very much for everything.
Hey!
What?
This is Alvy Singer!
Fellas, you know...
This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right?
- Give me a break. - This guy's on television.
I need a large polo mallet.
- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show.
Is this a meeting of the Teamsters?
- What programme? - Can I have your autograph?
- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend.
Make it out to Ralph.
- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder.
- Alvy Singer! - You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?
Alvy Singer over here!
It's all right, fellas.
Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the Panama Canal?
- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather.
- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech!
Please. I have a headache, all right?
You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period.
Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period!
A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it.
- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago.
That's it. Forget it. I can't go in.
- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already.
I can't go in in the middle.
We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish.
- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in.
- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside.
Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed.
All right. So what do you wanna do?
I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie?
Let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis.
Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish.
Cos... Cos I'm anal.
That's a polite word for what you are.
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best.
It lacks a cohesive structure.
You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.
I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker.
Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery.
I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke.
Well, stop listening to him.
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon.
I found it incredibly... indulgent.
He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers.
The key word here is indulgent.
Without getting...
- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept.
- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock.
Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me?
I know. Because of our sexual problem, right?
Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse?
It's like Samuel Beckett.
I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy!
He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks.
You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy...
...you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you.
Weltanschauung is what it is.
Probably on their first date.
Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books.
"Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman...
...who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy."
Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem. Huh?
I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw?
It's the influence of television.
Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high...
...high intensity. You understand? A hot medium...
What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it.
What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind?
Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country.
Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that?
The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan.
Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture.
So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity.
Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here.
Just let me... Come over here a second.
I heard what you were saying.
You know nothing of my work.
You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing.
Boy, if life were only like this!
June 14th, 1940. The German army occupies Paris.
All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news.
Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave.
To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.
The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card...
...and you'd tell 'em everything.
That movie makes me feel guilty.
Yeah, cos it's supposed to.
Alvy...
What? What... What's the matter?
I don't... I don't know.
It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time.
Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice.
There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy.
When we first started going out, we had sex constantly.
We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all.
You've been married before. You know how things can get.
You were very hot for Allison at first.
You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about 20 minutes.
Excuse me. When do I go on?
Who are you?
Alvy Singer.
I'm a comedian.
Oh, comedian. Yeah.
Oh. You're on next.
What do you mean, next? I'm...
You're on right after this act.
No, it can't be. Because he's a comic.
Yes.
- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not?
No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian.
It's OK.
No. Because they're laughing. So I'd... rather not.
Will you relax? They're gonna love you.
I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him.
They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out.
I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh?
- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right?
Jesus!
What's your name?
Allison.
Yeah?
Allison what?
Portchnik.
Portchnik?
- That's nice. - Thank you.
Allison Portchnik!
So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what?
No, no, no. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
On what?
Political Commitment in 20th-Century Literature.
You're like... New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual...
...Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps?
The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented...
Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself.
No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left.
I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly.
I think you're cute.
- Do you? - Mm-hm.
Go ahead.
I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos...
...I'm not essentially a political comedian at all.
I interestingly had, um... dated a woman...
...in the Eisenhower administration briefly.
And it was ironic to me cos, um...
Cos I was trying to do to her...
...what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years.
I'm sorry. I can't go through with this.
I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me.
I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention.
But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository...
...and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound.
So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once?
- It doesn't make sense! - Alvy...
I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough...
...to hit a moving target at that range.
But...
...if there was a second assassin...
- That's it! - We've been through this.
They recovered the shells from that rifle.
OK. What are you saying now?
Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?
Well, why not?
Yeah. Earl Warren?
Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren.
Lyndon Johnson?
Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have.
It's like a notch underneath child molester.
Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies...
...and the Pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House.
I would leave out the men's room attendant.
You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
Oh, my God!
She's right.
Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?
She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent.
Is it the old Groucho Marxjoke that I just don't wanna belong to any club...
...that would have someone like me for a member?
Alvy, don't panic! Please stop it!
It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house.
Stop it! Go for that one there.
Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.
They're only baby ones, for God's sakes.
- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right!
- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't!
Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator.
It'll turn up in our bed at night.
Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus!
Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish.
Hey, look. Put it in the pot.
I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water!
You think we're gonna take him to the movies?
Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you.
OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot.
Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator.
I can't get it out. This thing's heavy.
Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out.
I'm gonna get my camera.
I think if I could pry the door off...
We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around.
Goddamn it! Oh, jeez!
Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
You're gonna take pictures now?
Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!
Oh, God! That's disgusting!
One more, Alvy. Please!
Oh, good! Good!
Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance?
Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh.
Really? Who was?
There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School.
Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house?
You should have seen how I looked then.
Oh, I can imagine. The wife of an astronaut.
Then there was Jerry, the actor.
Look at you. You're such a clown.
I look pretty.
You always look pretty. But that guy...
Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious.
Like a kind of liberating consciousness.
It's like a visual poem.
Is he kidding with that crap?
Oh, right.
I think I know exactly what you mean when you say "religious".
You do?
- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year.
It's like when I think of dying.
- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How?
I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels!
Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional...
I don't think you like emotion too much.
Touch my heart... with your foot.
I may throw up.
He was creepy.
I think you're pretty lucky I came along.
Oh, really? Well, la-de-da.
If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl...
...who used expressions like la-de-da...
You really like those New York girls.
- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them.
There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton.
The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
Two more chairs, they got a dining room set.
- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV.
Is that Paul Goodman? No.
Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book.
Hi, Doug!
Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart.
I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.
Commentary.
Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
No jokes. These are friends, OK?
Here you are.
There's people out there.
Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14 points, and now they're ahead two points.
Alvy...
What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases...
...trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
What is fascinating is that it's physical.
Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant...
...and have no idea what's going on.
But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie...
...as we now know.
Stop acting out.
It'll be great. All those PhDs are in there discussing modes of alienation...
...and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility.
Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?
He said, as he removed her brassiere.
Alvy! There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine!
Oh, my God.
What would they think?
Damn siren!
OK. Don't get upset.
Dammit! I was so close!
Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down.
You wanna have them shut down the airport too?
No more flights so we can have sex?
I'm too tense. I need a Valium.
My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York.
We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous.
You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner.
The screens with the dead moths behind 'em.
You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry.
OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
It's quiet now. We can start again.
I can't. My head is throbbing.
- You got a headache? - I have a headache.
Bad?
- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus!
Where are you going?
I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers.
Max, my serve will send you to the showers early.
The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism.
Max, the city is terribly run.
I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin.
Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism.
The rest of the country sees New York...
...as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers.
I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here.
Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad.
Sun, milk, red meat, college.
I know, but I...
Egad. Here he comes.
OK.
Hi!
You know Alvy? This is Janet.
This is Annie Hall.
This is Alvy.
Who's playing with who?
You and me against them?
- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons.
Oh! Yeah!
Hi!
Hi. Hi.
Oh, hi. Hi.
Well...
Bye.
You play very well.
Oh, yeah? So do you.
Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right?
You say, "You play well" and then right away I have to say, "You play well."
Oh!
God, Annie. Well...
Oh, well.
La-de-da. La-de-da.
La-la. Yeah.
You want a lift?
Oh, why?
You got a car?
Me? No. I was gonna take a cab.
Oh, no. I have a car.
You have a car?
I don't understand. If you have a car, so then...
...why did you say, "Do you have a car?" Like you wanted a lift?
I don't... I don't...
Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't...
It's... I've got this VW out there.
What a jerk! Yeah.
Would you like a lift?
Sure. Which way are you going?
Me? Downtown.
I'm going uptown.
Well, you know, I'm going uptown too.
You just said you were going downtown.
Sorry.
I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell!
It'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone.
So where do you know Janet from?
- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress?
Well, I do commercials, sort of.
- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls.
- Where? - Wisconsin.
You're driving a tad rapidly.
Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good.
- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks.
Hey, don't... No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it!
- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive?
Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving.
Oh, you do?
I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility.
Nice car. You keep it nice.
Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich?
Huh? Oh, yeah.
I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space.
That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here.
- You want your tennis stuff? - Huh? Oh. Yeah.
That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Well...
Thank you.
You're a wonderful tennis player and...
...you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life.
Anyplace. Europe. The United... Anyplace. Asia.
- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah?
Oh, well, it's a... This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.
Who? Grammy... Grammy Hall?
Yeah, my grammy.
Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?
- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it?
My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Well...
- Thank you again. - Oh, yeah.
Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something?
I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late.
No, no. That'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure.
I've got time. I've got nothing... till my analyst appointment.
Oh, you see an analyst?
- Yeah. Just for 15 years. - 15 years?!
I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes.
15... Nah! Come on!
Yeah? Really?
Sylvia Plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide...
...was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality.
Oh, sorry.
I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat.
Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975.
"Neat" went out, I would say, at the turn of the century.
Who are those photos on the wall?
Oh! Well, you see now, uh... That's my dad.
That's Father. And that's my brother Duane.
- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane.
And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie.
- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie... Ha, ha.
Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George.
George was real sweet. He had that thing...
What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it?
- Narcolepsy. - Narcolepsy! Right!
So anyway, um... George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey.
The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time...
...because he was shell-shocked in the First World War.
Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey.
But the thing is, is that he falls asleep...
...and he never wakes up!
So... so he's dead!
He's dead. Yeah.
Oh, dear.
Well... Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful.
It's a great story, though. It really made my day.
I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing.
Really? Well, maybe, um...
You know, I...
- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything.
Didn't you take a shower at the club?
Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place.
Why not?
Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man.
Oh, I see. I see.
I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender.
You never know what's gonna happen.
- 15 years, huh? - 15 years, yeah. That's...
God bless.
Well... well...
You're what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew".
Thank you.
Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money.
But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you.
So did you do those photographs in there or what?
Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble?
They're wonderful, you know. They have a... a quality.
Well, I would like to take a serious photography course.
Photography's interesting cos it's a new art form...
...and a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet.
Aesthetic criteria?
You mean whether it's a good photo or not?
The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself.
Well... to me... I mean, it's... it's... it's all instinctive.
I just try to feel it.
I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much.
Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective.
Well, I don't know.
I guess you must be sort of late, huh?
You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I...
- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me?
Oh, uh, no.
Oh, I'm sorry! I have something.
What about Saturday night?
Nothing. No, no.
You're very popular, I can see.
- I know. - Do you have plague?
Well, I mean, I meet a lot ofjerks.
I meet a lot ofjerks too. I think that's a...
But I'm thinking about getting some cats.
Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no!
Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna...
I'm gonna sing. Yeah.
You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding?
- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come.
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no! - I'm interested.
I'm just... I'm auditioning at this club. I don't...
- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like.
You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun.
~ It had to be you ~
~ I wandered around ~
~ And finally found ~
~ The somebody who ~
~ Could make me be true ~
~ Could make me be blue ~
- ~ And even be glad ~
~ Just to be sad ~
~ Thinking of you ~
I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing!
So the audience was a tad restless.
What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me!
They didn't! You have a wonderful voice!
- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice.
- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific.
I never even took a lesson, either.
Hey, listen. Give me a kiss.
- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later.
There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move.
So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat.
- We'll digest our food better. - OK.
OK? So now we can digest our food.
I'm gonna have the corned beef, please.
Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread...
...with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce.
So, um... your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that?
Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure.
And your first wife? Allison?
She was nice, but... That was my fault. I was just... I was too crazy.
Mm... Mm...
That was so nice.
That was nice.
As Balzac said, "There goes another novel."
- You were great. - Oh.
Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah. I'm wrecked.
- You're wrecked! - I mean it.
I will never play the piano again.
It was... I don't know. You really thought it was good?
Good? Yes.
That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.
Here. You want some?
No. I... I don't... use any major hallucinogenics because I...
...took a puff about five years ago at a party and...
Yeah?
Tried to take my pants off over my head.
Got in one ear.
Well, I don't really... I don't do it very often.
It just sort of relaxes me.
- You're not gonna believe this, but... - What? What?
I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them.
- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there.
Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me.
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this if we're gonna go out.
I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases.
And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life.
And the miserable is everyone else.
So you should be thankful that you're miserable.
You're very lucky to be miserable.
Look at that guy.
In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there.
He's just come back from the gin rummy finals.
Placed third.
Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance.
- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia.
Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think.
"Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed."
There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest.
You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse.
What does that mean? I don't know what that is.
You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure...
...in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose.
If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited.
You know what? I like you.
I really do like you.
Do you love me? That's the key question.
I know you've only known me a short while.
I think that's sort of... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Do you love me?
Love is... too weak a word for... the way I feel.
I lurve you. You know, I loave you.
I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent...
Of course I do. Don't you think I do?
I don't know.
You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you?
Of course.
- But why? - I'm moving in with you.
- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment.
- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing.
You know, bugs are... Entomology is a rapidly growing field.
- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me?
- Whose idea was it? - Mine.
It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately.
I guess you think I talked you into something, huh?
No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together.
Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you?
- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment.
We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it.
It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married.
That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy.
- That place is $400 a month? - Yes, it is.
It's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it.
- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb?
Adult education's a wonderful thing.
You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating.
Does this sound like a good course?
"Modern American Poetry"?
Or let's see now. Maybe I should take...
..."Introduction to the Novel".
Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf.
What?
Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton?
Don't be silly. What do we need other people for?
We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something.
Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette, OK?
Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No.
If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful.
I get too wonderful for words.
I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love.
- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed...
...before we can go to bed? - What's the difference?
Take a shot of Sodium Pentothal. You can sleep through it.
You've been seeing a psychiatrist for15 years.
You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time.
- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing?
- No, Alvy. Please. - You can live without it once.
Wait. I got a great idea.
Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact.
A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city...
...which I think is gonna be perfect.
There. Create a little old New Orleans essence.
Now we can go about our business here...
...and even develop photographs if we want to.
- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why?
I don't know. It's like you're removed.
No, I'm fine.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
I don't know. You seem sorta distant.
Let's just do it, all right?
Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions?
Do you remember where I put my drawing pad?
While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing.
- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body.
Yeah, but I want the whole thing.
Well, I need grass.
Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass.
I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high...
...it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing.
- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview?
We're supposed to be making love.
This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good.
Let me explain how I work.
I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out.
You know you're gonna fall down.
But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very... I'm kinda classy.
Let me explain. For instance, I open with an opening song.
Musical style like ~ Bam da dam da da da ~ and I walk out...
~ Place looks wonderful from here ~
~ And you folks look wonderful from here ~
~ And seeing you there with a smile on your face ~
~ Makes me shout "This must be the place" ~
Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you.
"I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there."
"The word to remember is Jeanne d'Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom."
"I met a big lumberjack..."
Jesus! This guy's pathetic.
Look at him mincing around.
He thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw up.
If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
I'm in the wrong business. I know it.
"But... um... chéri...
...what will I do with this?"
"Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!"
They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it?
Where am I? I have to reorient myself.
This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always... tense...
I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University.
And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year...
...for cheating on my metaphysics final.
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman...
...locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis.
I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself.
But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian.
If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was...
- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful.
And I'm starting to get more of the references too.
Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's completely different.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father.
- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so.
I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner.
I think they're gonna really like you.
It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
Oh, yeah.
Grammy always does such a good job.
A great sauce!
It is. It's dynamite ham.
We went over to the swap meet.
Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames.
We really had a good time.
Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years.
Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day.
And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual.
That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.
- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes.
I can't believe this family.
Annie's mother is really beautiful.
And they're talking swap meets and boat basins.
And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater.
They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything.
Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water.
Let him drop dead. Who needs his business?
- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes?
Is that an excuse? Diabetes?
The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job.
- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about?
Sure! Defend him!
Pass the wurst there.
Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary.
You don't say!
How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer?
- We fast. - Fast?
No food. To atone for our sins.
What sins? I don't understand.
To tell you the truth, neither do we.
Alvy.
Hi, Duane. How's it goin'?
This is my room.
Oh, yeah? It's terrific.
Can I confess something?
I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand.
Sometimes when I'm driving...
...on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me.
Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly...
...head-on into the oncoming car.
I can anticipate the explosion.
The sound of shattering glass. The...
...flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
Right. Well...
I have to go now, Duane, because I...
...I'm due back on the planet Earth.
- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy.
- He is adorable. - Do you think so?
- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink.
Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get...
- You followed me. - I didn't follow you.
You followed me!
I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following.
- What is your definition of following? - I was spying.
- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy.
That is the worst kind of paranoid.
I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school.
You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember?
You're having an affair with your professor.
That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man?
Existential Motifs in Russian Literature!
It's all mental masturbation.
We finally get to a subject you know about.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat.
Neat. Are you 12 years old?
- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?!
Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass.
You've always had hostility towards David.
- You call your teacher David? - It's his name.
It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba?
Alvy. Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment.
You don't think I'm smart enough.
We had that argument just last month. Or don't you remember?
- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go?
Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman.
I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up.
I told her about the family and my feelings towards men...
...and my relationship with my brother.
She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that?
I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested.
She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children.
Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love.
All this happened the first hour?
I've been going for 15 years. I don't have... nothing like that.
I told her my dream and then I cried.
You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic.
I whine. I sit and I whine.
In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe.
- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me.
Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer.
It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself.
It's a perfect analytic kind of insight.
She said your name was Alvy Singer.
- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you.
Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses.
You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you?
God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him.
Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice.
What did the doctor say?
I should probably come five times a week.
I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife?
- Will it change your wife? - My life.
- You said, "Will it change my wife?" - I said, "Will it change my life?"
- You said wife. - Life! I said life.
She said, "Will it change my wife?" You heard that, so I'm not crazy.
I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously...
...because you don't think I'm smart enough.
Why do you always bring that up?
Because I encourage you to take adult education courses?
You meet wonderful, interesting professors.
Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney.
I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher.
And why are you following me around?
- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits.
That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong.
She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did?
It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades.
Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought.
I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed...
...does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana?
We use a large vibrating egg.
A large vibrating egg?
Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus!
Here. You look like a very happy couple.
- Are you? - Yeah.
So how do you account for it?
Uh... I'm very shallow and empty...
...and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting.
So you've managed to work out something, huh?
Well, thanks very much for talking to me.
Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem.
My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White.
I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that?
You're always leaning on me to improve myself.
You must be getting your period.
I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character.
Can't I be upset once in a while?
Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date.
I don't wanna go out with any other women.
I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.
I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan.
I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills.
Especially when he sang, "She takes just like a woman."
"And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does."
"And she aches just like a woman."
"But she breaks just like a little girl."
After that, the most charismatic event I covered...
...was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden.
- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan?
Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis.
You have a raccoon?
A few.
The only word for this is transplendid.
It's transplendid.
I can think of another word.
He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers...
...who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment.
Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem.
- I'm a Rosicrucian myself. - Are you?
I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
Look. There's God coming out of the men's room.
It's unbelievably transplendid!
I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy.
Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing...
...where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes.
I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish.
Oh, no. Don't be... Don't be silly. You know, I...
I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now.
Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.
Oh. Thank you.
I mean that as a compliment.
I think... I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm.
You know, to make up for empty areas in life.
Who said that?
I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
Hello.
Oh, hi!
Uh... no. What...
What's the matter?
You sound terrible.
No. Sure, I...
What kind of emergency?
No. Well, stay there. Stay there. I'll come over right now.
Just stay there. I'll come right over.
It's me. Open up. Are you OK?
What's the matter? Are you all right?
There's a spider in the bathroom.
What?
There's a big, black spider in the bathroom.
You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom?
You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around.
Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid?
No.
I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray.
You never know who's gonna crawl over.
And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher...
Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired.
You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything.
An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake.
Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Really?
How'd you like it?
Was it... I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity?
It was just great.
Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert...
...to come over and kill the spider?
I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh?
Since when do you read the National Review?
- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view.
Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider.
Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that?
Not only that. You look thin and tired.
It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed.
I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency.
I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began.
Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star?
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for...
I got the good chocolate.
- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom.
Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times.
Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was 30, OK?
It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them.
I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom?
It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing?
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.
OK.
Hey...
- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion.
What, are you joining a minstrel show?
Don't worry!
I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about?
What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?
- Oh, don't go. Please. - What do you mean, don't...
What's the matter? Are you expecting termites?
What's the matter?
I don't know. I miss you.
- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah.
Oh...
- Alvy? - What?
Was there somebody in your room when I called you?
- What do you mean? - Was there... I thought I heard a voice.
I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set.
I was watching...
Alvy, let's never break up again.
I don't wanna be apart.
I think we're both much too mature for something like that.
Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?
No. For me, it's been terrific. You know?
Better than either one of my marriages.
There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun.
I mean, I know it's hard. It's...
Alvy, what about... what if we go away this weekend?
Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn?
We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you.
Yeah, it would.
Oh, my God! It's a great day!
Watch the road! You're gonna total the car!
I've never even been to Brooklyn.
Got to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard.
I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard.
They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it.
I used to lose my glasses a lot.
Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live.
Holy cow!
You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store.
I have some very good memories there.
Your mother and father fighting all the time?
Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things.
- You fired the cleaner? - She stole!
She's coloured! They have enough trouble!
- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough!
- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it!
How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more?
She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money!
She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us?
- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max.
Leo, I married a fool!
Hey, Max. What's that?
That's the welcome-home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie.
Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend.
He was always bothering me when I was a kid.
Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.
See? Nickels.
You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name.
Just think of Joey Five Cents. Ha-ha!
That's me! Joey Five Cents!
What an asshole.
The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie.
I was always the sister with good common sense.
Tessie was always the one with personality.
When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie.
Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
She was once a great beauty.
Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.
I was a great beauty.
- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming.
There were many men interested in you?
Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
That's very hard to believe.
Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday.
- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close.
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
I wonder what this is.
- Happy birthday. - What is this?
Is this a present? Are you kidding?
- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't...
- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life.
- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present.
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
- Check it out. - Let me see.
OK. Let's see.
Oh, God!
You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific. God!
Just put on the watch and the... and that thing and everything.
Oh, God. Oh.
~ Seems like ~
~ Old times ~
~ Having you ~
~ To walk with ~
~ Seems like ~
~ Old times< ~
~ Having you to walk with< ~
~ And it's still a thrill ~
~ Just to have my arms around you ~
~ Still the thrill ~
~ That it was the day I found you ~
~ Seems like ~
~ Old times ~
~ Dinner dates and flowers ~
~ Old times ~
~ Staying up all hours ~
~ Making dreams come true ~
~ Doing things we used to do ~
~ Seems like old times ~
~ Here with ~
~ You ~
Thank you.
You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great.
And... and you know... you were sensational.
Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience.
It makes it really easy for me because I can be...
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.
We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set.
Oh, yeah, really?
I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot.
That's really nice. Thanks a lot.
Are you recording? Do you... Are you with any label now?
Me? No.
No. Not at all.
Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance.
- Possibly working together. - Well, that's nice.
Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy?
No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours.
Thank you very much.
This is Shaun and Bob and... Bob and Petronia.
Hi.
We're going back to the Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre.
We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink.
If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you.
We can just sit and talk. Nothing...
Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow.
Remember we have that thing.
What thing?
Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were... We had a...
Oh, the thing!
Oh, the thing. Yeah.
Yeah...
Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time.
Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there.
It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it.
Nice to have met you. Good night.
Bye.
What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party?
I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun.
It would be nice to meet some new people.
I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow.
I have a tendency to... If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
It's not good for my...
So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do?
That was the last day I remember really having a good time.
- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied.
- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often?
- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me.
Then... I don't know... Six months ago I would have done it just to please him.
I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb.
But the thing is, since our discussions here...
...I feel I have a right to my own feelings.
I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself.
I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed.
I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it.
So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him.
If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings.
She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress.
Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman.
I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke?
Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it.
Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose.
There's the nasal membrane.
- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that?
I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome.
- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new.
You didn't say it couldn't be sick.
Come on, Alvy.
Do your body a favour. Try it.
I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it.
And they were a million laughs.
Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write.
It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California.
Oh, you know, we're going to California next week.
It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know.
On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television.
You act like you're violating a moral issue.
We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me.
Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me?
Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot.
How much is this stuff, incidentally?
It's about $2,000 an ounce.
Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never...
~ We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas... ~
I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max.
I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi.
And the women are like the women in Playboy magazine...
...only they can move their arms and legs.
I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills.
The architecture's so consistent.
French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese.
God! It's so clean out here.
They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows.
Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas.
Can you believe this is Christmas?
It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally.
Santa Claus'll have sunstroke.
Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging.
There's no economic crime.
But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here.
While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show.
And we're invited to a big Christmas party.
~ Remember Christ our Saviour was born on Christmas Day ~
~ To save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray... ~
All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here.
...limousine to the track break down?
A little bigger.
Max, you realise how immoral this all is?
- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs.
...home so early.
Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.
We do this show live in front of an audience.
And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny.
That's why this machine is dynamite.
Honey, you'd better lie down. You've been in the sun too long.
Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here.
And then a big hand.
Is there booing on that?
Oh, Max.
I don't feel well.
- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got... very dizzy.
- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down.
Oh, Jesus!
- Are you all right? - I don't know.
- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.
- How about a ginger ale? - Oh... Max, no.
Maybe I'd better lie down.
Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken.
Oh, no. I can't eat this.
I'm nauseous.
If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours.
I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show.
There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell.
You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious.
- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor.
Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine.
They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you.
Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show?
- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything.
- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here.
Can I have the salt, please?
Perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two.
- Hospital? - Or there's no real way...
...to tell what's going on. - This is not bad, actually.
Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house.
My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles.
I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
All the good meetings are taken.
Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money...
...to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea.
- Like this house, Max? - Mm-hm.
I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom.
You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party.
What difference does that make?
- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max...
...he goes with that girl over there. - Where?
The one with the VPL.
- VPL? - Visible Panty Line.
- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max.
- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max.
The kind with shopping bags in Central Park with surgical masks on, muttering.
How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson.
Yeah. Intensive care ward.
My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye.
If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole.
- Hi. - Hi. You're Alvy Singer, right?
- Didn't we meet at EST? - EST? No, I was never to EST.
- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything.
I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis.
- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing?
- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's great.
You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here.
We're gonna operate together.
We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album.
I don't know. This is strange to me.
You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have.
- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling?
I don't know. I don't know.
Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting.
This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond.
- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger.
Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing.
That's great.
- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there.
I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but... It's so dirty now.
I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
This is a really nice screening room, Tony.
There's another thing about New York.
If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing.
We saw Grand Illusion here last night.
Hey, that's a great film if you're high.
Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing.
No, thanks, man. I'm cool.
It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day.
And gradually you get old and die.
It's important to make an effort once in a while.
Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful?
A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite.
Yeah. I forgot my mantra.
That was fun.
I don't think California's bad at all.
It's a drag coming home.
A lot of beautiful women.
It was fun to flirt.
I have to face facts.
I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work any more.
I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight.
Why do I need this?
If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him.
If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out.
It'd probably wreck her. But I should be honest.
Alvy, let's face it. You know...
I don't think our relationship is working.
I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
It has to constantly move forward, or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Whose Catcher in the Rye is this?
If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine.
It sure has... You wrote your name in all my books...
...cos you knew this day was gonna come.
Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do.
No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt.
All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine.
Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day?
Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm.
Oh. Thanks, Annie.
Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us...
...to explore new relationships and stuff like that.
There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot.
My analyst thinks this move is key for me.
And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her.
Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
And you know what the beauty part is?
- We can always get back together again. - Exactly.
I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends.
Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours.
Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon.
Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan.
I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.
She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.
Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there.
- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard.
He may have... Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there.
Don't tell me you're jealous.
Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea.
Can I show you something, lady? I have here... I found this in the apartment.
Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap.
Don't ask me why.
Why don't you go out with other women?
Well, I tried. But it's... you know, it's very depressing.
This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom!
What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters.
You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster.
- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit?
16 years ago.
What do you mean?
Mean?
You stopped smoking 16 years ago. Is that what you said?
I don't understand.
Are you joking or what?
Central Park's turning green.
Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see...
...with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates.
Listen, I... I want you to come back here.
Well... Then I'm gonna come out there and get you.
What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am?
I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in.
I... Well, I flew in to see you.
Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone?
Because I feel that I got a temperature.
And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good.
Wherever you wanna meet. I don't care. I'll drive in. I rented a car.
I'm driving. What do you...
What, is that such a miracle? I'm driving myself.
I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and...
...a plate of mashed yeast.
Hi.
You look very pretty.
Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all.
Well... you look nice.
I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married.
Oh, Alvy. Come on.
Why? You wanna live out here?
It's like living in Munchkin Land.
What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here.
I mean, Tony's very nice.
And... well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis.
I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know.
I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more.
So... you're not gonna come back to New York?
What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you.
That's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the title.
Cos it's an important issue.
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life.
You're like New York City. You're just this person.
You're like this island unto yourself.
I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is.
If one guy is starving someplace, that's... it puts a crimp in my evening.
So you wanna get married or what?
No. We're friends.
I wanna remain friends.
OK.
Check, please!
You're mad, aren't you?
Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that.
Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really can't.
You know how wonderful you are.
You know you're the reason that I got out of my room and that I was able to sing...
...and get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap.
Anyway, look, I don't wanna... Listen, listen, listen, um...
So what are you up to anyway, huh?
The usual, you know. I'm trying to write. I'm working on a play.
So what are you saying? You're not coming back to New York with me?
No. Look...
I gotta go.
- I flew 3,000 miles to see you. - I'm late.
Air miles. You know what that does to my stomach?
It's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammies are tonight.
- The what? - He's got a lot of records up for awards.
They give awards for that music? I thought just earplugs.
Just forget it! Let's just forget the conversation.
Awards! They do nothing but give out awards! I can't believe it.
Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler.
I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a great driver. I have some problems with...
Can I see your licence, please?
Just don't get angry or anything, cos I...
I have my licence here.
It's a rented car and I... I...
Here.
Don't give me your life...
...story.
Just pick up the licence.
You have to ask nicely cos I've had an extremely rough day. My girlfriend...
Just give me the licence, please.
Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse.
I have a terrific problem with authority.
It's not your fault. Don't take it personal.
So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max.
Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment.
I heard high-pitched squealing.
Twins, Max.
16-year-olds.
Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that?
You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the Park.
I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max. I got mugged.
I was playing Richard II, and two guys with leatherjackets stole my leotard.
Max, are we driving through plutonium?
It keeps out the alpha rays, Max.
You don't get old.
You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle?
What is so incredibly great about New York?
It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
You didn't read it till I gave it to you.
You only give me books with "death" in the title.
- It's an important issue. - You are totally incapable of enjoying life.
You're like New York. You're an island.
OK. If that's all that we've been through together means to you...
...I guess it's better if we just say goodbye, once and for all.
You know, it's funny, after all the serious talks and passionate moments...
...that it ends here, in a health-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
Goodbye, Sunny.
Wait.
I'm gonna go with you.
I love you.
What do you want? It was my first play.
You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art...
...because it's real difficult in life.
Interestingly, however, I did run into Annie again.
It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
She had moved back to New York. She was living in SoHo with some guy.
And when I met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity...
...which I counted as a personal triumph.
Annie and I had lunch sometime after that and...
...just kicked around old times.
~ Just to have my arms ~
~ Around you ~
~ Still the thrill that it was ~
~ The day I found you ~
~ Seems like ~
~ Old times ~
~ Dinner dates and flowers ~
~ Old times ~
After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go.
But it was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was...
...and how much fun it was just knowing her.
And I thought of that old joke, you know.
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says...
..."Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken."
And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."
Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships.
You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...
But I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.
~ You ~
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