1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:02:45,478 --> 00:02:47,502 Come on, boys! 3 00:02:47,847 --> 00:02:52,284 The way you're lollygagging around here with them picks and them shovels... 4 00:02:52,285 --> 00:02:55,413 ...you'd think it was 120?.. 5 00:02:55,521 --> 00:02:59,115 It can't be more than 114. 6 00:03:01,827 --> 00:03:05,694 Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job. 7 00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:13,133 Now, come on, boys, where's your spirit? I don't hear no singing. 8 00:03:13,339 --> 00:03:17,172 When you were slaves, you sang like birds. 9 00:03:17,310 --> 00:03:20,370 Go on. How about a good old nigger work song? 10 00:03:28,754 --> 00:03:33,520 "I get no kick from champagne. 11 00:03:35,995 --> 00:03:41,194 "Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. 12 00:03:42,568 --> 00:03:46,629 "So tell me why should it be true... 13 00:03:48,207 --> 00:03:52,700 "...that I get a belt out of you? 14 00:03:55,915 --> 00:04:00,078 "Some get a kick from cocaine." 15 00:04:03,422 --> 00:04:06,186 What the hell is that shit? 16 00:04:07,426 --> 00:04:11,763 I meant a song. A real song. 17 00:04:11,764 --> 00:04:13,424 Something like... 18 00:04:13,432 --> 00:04:18,562 "Swing low, sweet chariot..." 19 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:23,375 Swing low? Sweet chariot? 20 00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:25,207 Don't know that one, huh? 21 00:04:26,579 --> 00:04:29,741 How about "De Camp Town Ladies"? 22 00:04:30,449 --> 00:04:33,440 "De Camp Town Ladies"? 23 00:04:36,288 --> 00:04:37,880 Ah, you know. 24 00:04:38,557 --> 00:04:43,687 "De Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah. 25 00:04:43,963 --> 00:04:48,229 "De Camp Town race track five miles long, all the doo-dah day! 26 00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:52,203 "Gonna run all night, gonna run all day. 27 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:56,401 "Bet my money on the bobtailed nag, somebody bet on the bay!" 28 00:05:05,584 --> 00:05:09,687 What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? 29 00:05:09,688 --> 00:05:12,657 I hired you people to try to get a little track laid... 30 00:05:12,658 --> 00:05:16,227 ...not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots! 31 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,230 Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I, I guess we kind of got caught up. 32 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:22,667 Dummy, the surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. 33 00:05:22,668 --> 00:05:24,430 Better check it out. 34 00:05:24,503 --> 00:05:27,672 Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground. 35 00:05:27,673 --> 00:05:32,837 Horses! We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! 36 00:05:32,945 --> 00:05:35,003 Send over a couple of niggers. 37 00:05:38,451 --> 00:05:40,509 You and you. 38 00:05:42,455 --> 00:05:46,186 Sir, he specifically requested two niggers... 39 00:05:46,892 --> 00:05:51,488 ...but to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch. 40 00:05:51,530 --> 00:05:54,866 Get on that hand car and take it down to the end of that line! 41 00:05:54,867 --> 00:05:56,834 Just trying to help you out. 42 00:05:58,571 --> 00:06:01,335 I didn't know your grandma was Dutch! 43 00:06:04,710 --> 00:06:09,874 "Oh, de Camp Town Ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah. 44 00:06:10,216 --> 00:06:15,210 "Camp Town race track five miles long, oh, doo-dah day. 45 00:06:15,387 --> 00:06:19,390 "Going to run all night, going to run all day. 46 00:06:19,391 --> 00:06:23,725 "I waged my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay!" 47 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,889 Am I wrong... 48 00:06:30,769 --> 00:06:34,205 ...or is the world rising? 49 00:06:34,206 --> 00:06:38,073 I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it. 50 00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,007 Let me ask you something. 51 00:06:43,415 --> 00:06:48,579 What is it that's not exactly water, and it's not exactly earth? 52 00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,120 Quicksand! 53 00:06:55,728 --> 00:06:59,197 Oh, shit, quicksand! 54 00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:01,823 Goddang, now we are in trouble! 55 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:03,898 They're in trouble! 56 00:07:06,105 --> 00:07:07,970 Get your rope there. Get over there quick. 57 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,721 Dang, that was lucky. 58 00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:27,214 Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart. 59 00:07:33,632 --> 00:07:38,762 Yeah, we can take it right off to the, just a little bit to the left of that hill. 60 00:07:39,138 --> 00:07:42,630 But we're going to die, Bart. They're going to leave us here to die! 61 00:07:42,975 --> 00:07:46,876 Take it easy, Charlie. My foot is on the rail. 62 00:07:52,484 --> 00:07:55,885 Then maybe down that canyon. I think it's pretty level off there. 63 00:07:56,121 --> 00:07:59,390 We can't swing back to the right 'cause of that hill there. 64 00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:02,155 That looks like the way we'll have to go from here. 65 00:08:02,595 --> 00:08:06,155 Yes, we'll put her right down through there over that ridge. 66 00:08:11,003 --> 00:08:13,137 Well, boys, the break is over. 67 00:08:13,138 --> 00:08:15,773 Don't just lay there getting a suntan. 68 00:08:15,774 --> 00:08:18,265 Won't do you any good, anyhow! 69 00:08:19,845 --> 00:08:22,677 Take that shovel and put her to some good use! 70 00:08:30,656 --> 00:08:31,789 What? 71 00:08:31,790 --> 00:08:33,757 Don't do that now! 72 00:08:36,629 --> 00:08:37,862 I have to. 73 00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:42,197 Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said... OW! 74 00:08:43,035 --> 00:08:48,199 Send wire, main office, tell them I said, "Ow". Gotcha. 75 00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:58,783 And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is where we ran into quicksand. 76 00:08:59,084 --> 00:09:01,142 Quicksand. Splendid. 77 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,056 And so the railroad has got to go through Rock Ridge. 78 00:09:05,057 --> 00:09:07,718 Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid. 79 00:09:08,027 --> 00:09:09,594 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 80 00:09:09,595 --> 00:09:11,996 Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. 81 00:09:11,997 --> 00:09:13,964 Be still, Taggart. Be still. 82 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:19,070 My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought... 83 00:09:19,071 --> 00:09:22,573 ...careening through a cosmic vapor of invention. 84 00:09:22,574 --> 00:09:23,733 Ditto! 85 00:09:26,011 --> 00:09:30,504 Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz! 86 00:09:30,849 --> 00:09:32,338 I'm sorry, sir. 87 00:09:32,584 --> 00:09:35,552 A plan. We need a plan. 88 00:09:36,055 --> 00:09:38,182 What in the hell was that? 89 00:09:45,631 --> 00:09:47,758 We can't hear ourselves think! 90 00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:56,074 Sorry, your Worship, but I've got two men home sick with the flu... 91 00:09:56,075 --> 00:09:58,443 ...and it's utter chaos down here. 92 00:09:58,444 --> 00:10:01,242 I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible. 93 00:10:01,447 --> 00:10:03,574 But as you can see... 94 00:10:05,951 --> 00:10:08,442 ...this one is a doozey. 95 00:10:10,155 --> 00:10:14,022 Yes, the Doctor Gillespie killings. Well, do your best. 96 00:10:18,597 --> 00:10:20,465 Now, let's see. Where were we? 97 00:10:20,466 --> 00:10:21,933 Rock Ridge. 98 00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:27,071 Yes, when that railroad goes through Rock Ridge... 99 00:10:27,072 --> 00:10:30,735 ...that land will be worth millions, and I want it! 100 00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:35,876 I want that land so badly, I can taste it. 101 00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:40,584 There must be a way. 102 00:10:42,221 --> 00:10:43,915 Clumsy fool! 103 00:10:44,523 --> 00:10:48,059 Wait a minute! There might be a legal precedent. 104 00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:52,530 Of course! Land-snatching! 105 00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:56,194 Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'." 106 00:10:58,737 --> 00:11:03,040 Haley vs. United States. Haley, seven. United States, nothing. 107 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:06,271 You see, it can be done. It can be done. 108 00:11:06,545 --> 00:11:10,882 Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property. 109 00:11:10,883 --> 00:11:12,650 The rightful owners. 110 00:11:12,651 --> 00:11:15,920 There must be some way of scaring them off, driving them out. 111 00:11:15,921 --> 00:11:18,981 Getting rid of every human being alive in that... 112 00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:21,882 It's down the hall and to the left. 113 00:11:23,128 --> 00:11:24,295 I've got it! 114 00:11:24,296 --> 00:11:25,558 What? What? 115 00:11:25,564 --> 00:11:28,794 I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge. 116 00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:32,737 We'll kill the first-born male child in every household! 117 00:11:34,173 --> 00:11:36,004 Too Jewish. 118 00:11:40,813 --> 00:11:43,014 We'll work up a Number Six on them! 119 00:11:43,015 --> 00:11:44,816 I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one. 120 00:11:44,817 --> 00:11:47,418 That's where we go riding into town... 121 00:11:47,419 --> 00:11:49,353 ...and a-whapping and a-whooping every living thing... 122 00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:52,584 ...that moves within an inch of its life! 123 00:11:52,825 --> 00:11:54,592 Except the women folks, of course. 124 00:11:54,593 --> 00:11:55,927 You spare the women? 125 00:11:55,928 --> 00:12:00,264 No, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six dance later on! 126 00:12:00,265 --> 00:12:02,926 That's marvelous! That's so creative! 127 00:12:03,769 --> 00:12:05,670 Why, Taggart, you've been hurt! 128 00:12:05,671 --> 00:12:09,265 That uppity nigger hit me on the head with a shovel. 129 00:12:10,309 --> 00:12:13,845 I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart... 130 00:12:13,846 --> 00:12:17,181 ...to hang him up by his neck until he was dead. 131 00:12:17,182 --> 00:12:19,016 Got him locked up downstairs. 132 00:12:19,017 --> 00:12:21,678 Consider it done, stout fellow. 133 00:12:29,795 --> 00:12:32,196 I've got a special. When can you work him in? 134 00:12:32,197 --> 00:12:36,868 I couldn't possibly fit him in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid. 135 00:12:36,869 --> 00:12:38,859 Monday. Splendid. 136 00:12:44,409 --> 00:12:47,478 Thank you, sir. And don't you worry. 137 00:12:47,479 --> 00:12:51,082 We'll make Rock Ridge think it's a chicken... 138 00:12:51,083 --> 00:12:54,347 ...that got caught in a tractor's nuts! 139 00:12:58,657 --> 00:13:03,025 It's all right, Taggart. Just a man and a horse being hung out there. 140 00:13:09,234 --> 00:13:12,828 "There was a peaceful town called Rock Ridge, 141 00:13:13,906 --> 00:13:17,170 "...where people lived in harmony. 142 00:13:18,677 --> 00:13:22,237 "They never had no kind of trouble. 143 00:13:23,515 --> 00:13:26,745 "There was no hint of misery. 144 00:13:32,591 --> 00:13:35,525 "The town saloon was always lively... 145 00:13:36,562 --> 00:13:39,530 "...but never nasty or obscene. 146 00:13:40,699 --> 00:13:43,531 "Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson. 147 00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:47,094 "He always kept things nice and clean! 148 00:13:50,042 --> 00:13:52,305 "And all at once the trouble started. 149 00:13:52,978 --> 00:13:55,469 "A pack of murderers and thieves... 150 00:13:56,114 --> 00:13:58,605 "...like swarms of locusts they descended... 151 00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:01,742 "...their aim to make the townsfolk flee." 152 00:14:30,115 --> 00:14:32,105 Well, that's the end of this suit! 153 00:14:40,092 --> 00:14:43,527 Have you ever seen such cruelty? 154 00:14:46,431 --> 00:14:50,924 "Now is a time of great decision. 155 00:14:53,105 --> 00:14:57,598 "Are we to stay or up and quit? 156 00:14:59,978 --> 00:15:04,471 "There's no avoiding this conclusion. 157 00:15:07,452 --> 00:15:11,945 "Our town is turning into shit!" 158 00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:22,856 Well, I don't have to tell you good folks... 159 00:15:23,135 --> 00:15:26,468 ...what has been happening here in our beloved town. 160 00:15:27,372 --> 00:15:31,638 Sheriff murdered, crops burned... 161 00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:35,546 ...stores looted, people stampeded... 162 00:15:35,547 --> 00:15:37,810 ...and cattle raped! 163 00:15:39,551 --> 00:15:44,715 Now the time has come to act. And act fast! 164 00:15:47,559 --> 00:15:49,151 I'm leaving. 165 00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:54,491 You get back here, you old pious, candy-ass sidewinder! 166 00:15:54,733 --> 00:15:58,896 There ain't no way that nobody is going to leave this town! 167 00:16:00,205 --> 00:16:04,175 Hell, I was born here and I was raised here... 168 00:16:04,176 --> 00:16:06,777 ...and goddamn it, I'm going to die here! 169 00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:10,715 And no sidewinder, bushwhacking, hornswoggling... 170 00:16:10,716 --> 00:16:15,516 ...cracker croaker, is going to ruin my biscuit-cutter! 171 00:16:21,727 --> 00:16:24,127 Now who can argue with that? 172 00:16:27,232 --> 00:16:29,934 I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson... 173 00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:33,268 ...for clearly stating what needed to be said. 174 00:16:33,705 --> 00:16:35,973 I'm particularly glad that these lovely children... 175 00:16:35,974 --> 00:16:38,135 ...were here today to hear that speech. 176 00:16:38,276 --> 00:16:41,939 Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish... 177 00:16:42,214 --> 00:16:46,047 ...it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age! 178 00:16:47,452 --> 00:16:49,385 What are we made of? 179 00:16:50,122 --> 00:16:52,890 Our fathers came across the prairie... 180 00:16:52,891 --> 00:16:56,894 ...fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix! 181 00:16:56,895 --> 00:17:01,058 Remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town? 182 00:17:01,566 --> 00:17:03,634 Well, we didn't give up then... 183 00:17:03,635 --> 00:17:08,333 ...and by gum, we're not going to give up now! 184 00:17:13,578 --> 00:17:15,238 Olson Johnson is right! 185 00:17:15,647 --> 00:17:20,811 What kind of people are we, anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out! 186 00:17:21,853 --> 00:17:26,457 Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about Olson Johnson's being right. 187 00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:28,459 And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor... 188 00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:31,622 ...that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody! 189 00:17:32,798 --> 00:17:34,925 Howard Johnson is right! 190 00:17:38,136 --> 00:17:43,300 Well, if we're going to stay, and I think it's a big mistake... 191 00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:48,778 ...we're going to need a new sheriff. Now, who is it going to be? 192 00:17:49,347 --> 00:17:52,817 Why don't we wire the governor to send us a sheriff? 193 00:17:52,818 --> 00:17:55,519 Why should we get our own men killed? 194 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,456 Howard Johnson is right. We'll wire the governor. 195 00:18:00,392 --> 00:18:05,192 Then let us pray for the deliverance of our new sheriff. 196 00:18:05,363 --> 00:18:08,229 Will the congregation please rise? 197 00:18:09,401 --> 00:18:14,565 I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... 198 00:18:16,641 --> 00:18:18,130 ...and duck! 199 00:18:27,886 --> 00:18:30,377 We've got to do something at once! 200 00:18:32,891 --> 00:18:35,621 Governor, may I disturb you for a moment, sir? 201 00:18:35,694 --> 00:18:39,864 If you will just sign this, governor. Right here. 202 00:18:39,865 --> 00:18:41,532 Yes, what the hell is it? 203 00:18:41,533 --> 00:18:42,967 Well, under the provisions of this bill... 204 00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:46,604 ...we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory... 205 00:18:46,605 --> 00:18:48,639 ...which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time. 206 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,908 They're such children. 207 00:18:50,909 --> 00:18:53,544 200,000 acres! 200,000 acres! 208 00:18:53,545 --> 00:18:56,104 What will it cost, man? What will it cost? 209 00:18:57,716 --> 00:18:59,850 A box of these. 210 00:18:59,851 --> 00:19:03,053 Are you crazy? They'll never go for it, and then again they might. 211 00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:06,148 The little red devils, they love toys. May I try one? 212 00:19:08,894 --> 00:19:10,656 These things are defective. 213 00:19:13,732 --> 00:19:15,665 Right as usual, sir. 214 00:19:16,234 --> 00:19:17,501 Show-off! 215 00:19:17,502 --> 00:19:19,904 Just sign this, sir. Right here. 216 00:19:19,905 --> 00:19:21,872 Okay, give us a hand here. 217 00:19:22,507 --> 00:19:24,065 Work, work, work. 218 00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:28,078 Hello, boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you. 219 00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:30,915 Just one more bill for you to sign, sir. 220 00:19:30,916 --> 00:19:32,182 What is this? 221 00:19:32,183 --> 00:19:34,919 This is the bill that will convert the State Hospital for the Insane... 222 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,689 ...into the William J. Le Petomane Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane. 223 00:19:38,690 --> 00:19:39,857 Gentlemen, this... 224 00:19:39,858 --> 00:19:42,226 ...this bill will be a giant step forward... 225 00:19:42,227 --> 00:19:45,025 ...in the treatment of the insane gambler. 226 00:19:45,030 --> 00:19:47,020 Yes, bravo! Beautiful. 227 00:19:49,801 --> 00:19:51,368 Thank you, Hedy. Thank you. 228 00:19:51,369 --> 00:19:54,705 It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr. 229 00:19:54,706 --> 00:19:57,074 What the hell are you worried about? 230 00:19:57,075 --> 00:19:59,873 This is 1874. You'll be able to sue her. 231 00:20:11,256 --> 00:20:13,087 All right, help me in with this. 232 00:20:13,925 --> 00:20:15,756 Just, ah, think of your secretary. 233 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,091 Ah, that was a very good suggestion. 234 00:20:18,964 --> 00:20:21,799 Okay, is that it? Anything else? 235 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,435 Just this urgent telegram from Rock Ridge. 236 00:20:24,436 --> 00:20:26,062 It arrived last Friday. 237 00:20:27,005 --> 00:20:28,563 Read it, read it. 238 00:20:29,341 --> 00:20:33,978 "Sheriff murdered. Church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease. 239 00:20:33,979 --> 00:20:35,913 "Send new sheriff immediately." 240 00:20:35,914 --> 00:20:37,745 Holy underwear! 241 00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:41,641 Sheriff murdered. Innocent women and children blown to bits! 242 00:20:41,953 --> 00:20:43,988 We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen. 243 00:20:43,989 --> 00:20:48,118 We must do something about this immediately, immediately, immediately! 244 00:20:50,795 --> 00:20:52,496 I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy! 245 00:20:52,497 --> 00:20:54,157 Give the governor a "hrumph." 246 00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:56,425 You watch your ass. 247 00:20:56,534 --> 00:20:58,836 Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters. 248 00:20:58,837 --> 00:21:00,167 Well put. 249 00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:03,273 As Attorney General, I can assure you... 250 00:21:03,274 --> 00:21:07,144 ...that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge. 251 00:21:07,145 --> 00:21:08,812 Meeting is adjourned. 252 00:21:08,813 --> 00:21:12,516 Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that. 253 00:21:12,517 --> 00:21:13,517 What? 254 00:21:13,518 --> 00:21:14,848 - Meeting is adjourned. - It is? 255 00:21:15,053 --> 00:21:16,754 No. You say that, governor. 256 00:21:16,755 --> 00:21:18,122 - What? - Meeting is adjourned. 257 00:21:18,123 --> 00:21:19,023 It is? 258 00:21:19,024 --> 00:21:22,516 Here, play around with this for a while. They are sweeping the country. 259 00:21:23,528 --> 00:21:25,496 Why don't you give these out to some of the boys... 260 00:21:25,497 --> 00:21:27,760 ...in lieu of pay? Here you go. 261 00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:32,536 And one for Miss Stein, my beloved secretary. 262 00:21:32,537 --> 00:21:36,131 Play with these, boys, in lieu of the other things. 263 00:21:37,175 --> 00:21:39,199 This friggin' thing is warped. 264 00:21:40,779 --> 00:21:43,144 Why do I always get a warped one? 265 00:21:45,817 --> 00:21:50,720 A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. 266 00:21:51,990 --> 00:21:57,154 Wait a minute. Maybe I could turn this thing to my advantage. 267 00:21:57,662 --> 00:22:02,733 If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge... 268 00:22:02,734 --> 00:22:06,226 ...that his very appearance would drive them out of town... 269 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,567 But where would I find such a man? 270 00:22:11,576 --> 00:22:13,236 Why am I asking you? 271 00:22:22,854 --> 00:22:27,051 Welcome to Hanging House. Not to worry... 272 00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:29,719 ...everyone is equal in my eye. 273 00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:49,473 Oh, not my ear! 274 00:22:52,984 --> 00:22:54,416 Governor! 275 00:22:56,354 --> 00:22:57,921 Official business, sir. 276 00:22:57,922 --> 00:22:59,556 Is it important? 277 00:22:59,557 --> 00:23:01,388 It's very crucial. 278 00:23:02,227 --> 00:23:03,716 Be with you in a minute. 279 00:23:04,129 --> 00:23:06,620 Throw something on and stay in that position. 280 00:23:08,733 --> 00:23:13,070 Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking the parapet, taking a look around. 281 00:23:13,071 --> 00:23:14,271 What can I do for you? 282 00:23:14,272 --> 00:23:15,706 Governor, as per your instructions... 283 00:23:15,707 --> 00:23:18,869 ...I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge. 284 00:23:19,077 --> 00:23:21,101 I'd be delighted... Wow! 285 00:23:22,013 --> 00:23:24,047 I've got to talk to you. Come here. Have you gone berserk? 286 00:23:24,048 --> 00:23:27,210 Can't you see that man is a nig... 287 00:23:30,488 --> 00:23:33,786 Wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended. 288 00:23:35,026 --> 00:23:38,893 Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a nig? 289 00:23:38,897 --> 00:23:40,631 Don't worry, sir. 290 00:23:40,632 --> 00:23:42,866 Now, Hedley, I've always trusted your judgment before... 291 00:23:42,867 --> 00:23:45,202 ...but haven't you taken a giant leap away from your good senses? 292 00:23:45,203 --> 00:23:47,671 Please, don't fly off the handle, sir. 293 00:23:47,672 --> 00:23:50,504 I'm about to make you an historic figure. 294 00:23:50,975 --> 00:23:53,644 Maybe even get you a cabinet post. 295 00:23:53,645 --> 00:23:55,339 A cabinet post! 296 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:56,844 Did you say that? 297 00:23:57,182 --> 00:23:58,348 Wonderful! 298 00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:03,020 Yes, the first man ever to appoint a black sheriff! Just think, sir... 299 00:24:03,021 --> 00:24:04,521 ...Washington, Jefferson... 300 00:24:04,522 --> 00:24:05,522 ...Lincoln. 301 00:24:05,523 --> 00:24:07,115 Le Petomane! 302 00:24:07,725 --> 00:24:10,455 Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you. 303 00:24:10,461 --> 00:24:13,862 Nurse them, caress them, pour water on them. 304 00:24:13,998 --> 00:24:16,557 Don't short-change yourself, sir. 305 00:24:16,801 --> 00:24:20,304 It will never work. They'll kill him dead in one day! 306 00:24:20,305 --> 00:24:24,875 One day is all we'll need to secure your name in the annals of Western history. 307 00:24:24,876 --> 00:24:27,878 And to get for you a nomination for, dare I say? 308 00:24:27,879 --> 00:24:29,012 Dare, dare! 309 00:24:29,013 --> 00:24:30,537 The Presidency! 310 00:24:31,149 --> 00:24:34,015 Hail to the Chief! Hail to the Chief! 311 00:24:42,327 --> 00:24:44,828 "Four score and seven years ago... 312 00:24:44,829 --> 00:24:48,398 "...our forefathers brought forth on this..." 313 00:24:48,399 --> 00:24:49,733 Are you coming back? 314 00:24:49,734 --> 00:24:51,064 In a moment, dear. 315 00:24:51,336 --> 00:24:56,500 Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state. 316 00:24:56,774 --> 00:24:58,741 Yes, of course, sir, we understand. 317 00:24:58,977 --> 00:25:00,410 Will you make all the arrangements? 318 00:25:00,411 --> 00:25:02,012 I will make all the arrangements. 319 00:25:02,013 --> 00:25:03,912 Especially the funeral. 320 00:25:05,283 --> 00:25:10,049 Good luck, good luck, boys. Wonderful working with you. Good luck! 321 00:26:14,652 --> 00:26:18,315 Hurry up, get those flags up. He'll be here soon. 322 00:26:19,190 --> 00:26:21,892 I just got a telegram from the governor's office. 323 00:26:21,893 --> 00:26:24,054 The sheriff will be here at noon! 324 00:26:24,295 --> 00:26:28,287 Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech! 325 00:26:29,867 --> 00:26:33,570 "As Honorary Chairman of the Welcoming Committee... 326 00:26:33,571 --> 00:26:38,701 "...it is my privilege to extend to you a laurel and hearty handshake!" 327 00:26:40,011 --> 00:26:41,278 Wonderful! 328 00:26:41,279 --> 00:26:42,609 Excellent! 329 00:26:43,114 --> 00:26:44,945 Can you see him yet? 330 00:26:49,721 --> 00:26:51,210 The sheriff is coming! 331 00:26:52,190 --> 00:26:54,783 Ring out the church bell! 332 00:27:10,475 --> 00:27:13,808 Hey, the sheriff is a n... 333 00:27:14,512 --> 00:27:15,712 What did he say? 334 00:27:15,713 --> 00:27:17,680 The sheriff is near! 335 00:27:17,815 --> 00:27:22,752 No, no, dag blame it, gol darn it, the sheriff is a n... 336 00:27:43,841 --> 00:27:46,943 As Chairman of the Welcoming Committee... 337 00:27:46,944 --> 00:27:52,143 ...it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new... 338 00:27:56,020 --> 00:27:57,248 ...nigger. 339 00:28:26,017 --> 00:28:29,008 Excuse me while I whip this out. 340 00:28:34,258 --> 00:28:37,194 "By the power vested in me by... 341 00:28:37,195 --> 00:28:41,028 "...the Honorable William J. Le Petomane... 342 00:28:46,471 --> 00:28:47,871 "...I hereby assume the duties... 343 00:28:47,872 --> 00:28:51,637 "...of the Office of Sheriff in and for the Township of Rock Ridge." 344 00:28:52,176 --> 00:28:55,278 Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day. 345 00:28:55,279 --> 00:28:58,114 As your spiritual leader, I implore you... 346 00:28:58,115 --> 00:29:00,981 ...to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say. 347 00:29:03,855 --> 00:29:07,153 Son, you're on your own! 348 00:29:11,629 --> 00:29:12,857 Hold it! 349 00:29:13,197 --> 00:29:16,359 The next man makes a move, the nigger gets it! 350 00:29:20,505 --> 00:29:23,507 Hold it, men. He's not bluffing. 351 00:29:23,508 --> 00:29:26,710 Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it. 352 00:29:26,711 --> 00:29:30,578 Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town! 353 00:29:31,749 --> 00:29:36,948 Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate! Do what he say! Do what he say! 354 00:29:53,671 --> 00:29:56,706 Isn't anybody going to help that poor man? 355 00:29:56,707 --> 00:29:59,698 Hush, Harriet. That's a sure way to get him killed. 356 00:30:00,978 --> 00:30:02,604 Help me, help me... 357 00:30:03,414 --> 00:30:05,279 ...somebody help me! 358 00:30:07,451 --> 00:30:08,610 Shut up! 359 00:30:12,523 --> 00:30:17,517 Oh, baby, you are so talented. 360 00:30:17,562 --> 00:30:20,223 And they are so dumb! 361 00:30:28,239 --> 00:30:29,573 Goddamn it! 362 00:30:29,574 --> 00:30:31,302 I said, "Order"! 363 00:30:32,143 --> 00:30:37,307 You know, Nietzsche says, "Out of chaos comes order." 364 00:30:37,415 --> 00:30:39,610 Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard! 365 00:30:42,053 --> 00:30:44,544 Now everyone be quiet... 366 00:30:44,922 --> 00:30:50,086 ...whilst we listen to Harriet van Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm... 367 00:30:51,429 --> 00:30:56,593 ...as she reads a telegram that she herself has composed to the governor... 368 00:30:57,735 --> 00:31:02,899 ...expressing our feelings about the new sheriff. 369 00:31:10,481 --> 00:31:12,816 "To the Honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor." 370 00:31:12,817 --> 00:31:14,807 Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you! 371 00:31:16,354 --> 00:31:18,685 I'm not used to public speaking. 372 00:31:20,491 --> 00:31:25,655 "We, the white, God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge... 373 00:31:26,497 --> 00:31:30,700 "...wish to express our extreme displeasure... 374 00:31:30,701 --> 00:31:33,192 "...with your choice of sheriff. 375 00:31:33,371 --> 00:31:36,806 "Please remove him immediately. 376 00:31:38,609 --> 00:31:42,442 "The fact that you have sent him here..." 377 00:31:42,780 --> 00:31:47,944 "...just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state." 378 00:32:11,709 --> 00:32:14,677 The drunk in number two must be awake. 379 00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,850 Are we awake? 380 00:32:25,890 --> 00:32:27,880 We're not sure. 381 00:32:28,826 --> 00:32:31,528 Are we black? 382 00:32:31,529 --> 00:32:33,018 Yes, we are. 383 00:32:34,565 --> 00:32:39,195 Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled. 384 00:32:40,705 --> 00:32:44,003 I think I better straighten myself out. 385 00:32:47,044 --> 00:32:48,636 Need any help? 386 00:32:51,449 --> 00:32:53,280 All I can get. 387 00:33:05,096 --> 00:33:07,689 That's okay. Sit down over here. 388 00:33:18,442 --> 00:33:20,933 Hey, maybe you should eat something first. 389 00:33:20,978 --> 00:33:24,276 No, thanks. Food makes me sick. 390 00:33:33,424 --> 00:33:38,190 A man drinks like that and doesn't eat, he is going to die. 391 00:33:40,397 --> 00:33:41,693 When? 392 00:33:44,568 --> 00:33:45,932 What's your name? 393 00:33:46,003 --> 00:33:50,098 Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... 394 00:33:52,643 --> 00:33:53,905 ...Jim. 395 00:33:56,080 --> 00:34:00,350 Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host... 396 00:34:00,351 --> 00:34:03,615 ...what is your pleasure? What do you like to do? 397 00:34:03,921 --> 00:34:07,083 Oh, I don't know. Play chess... 398 00:34:08,659 --> 00:34:10,217 ...screw. 399 00:34:11,095 --> 00:34:12,926 Well, let's play chess. 400 00:34:16,467 --> 00:34:17,729 Checkmate. 401 00:34:20,371 --> 00:34:21,633 Checkmate. 402 00:34:21,806 --> 00:34:24,740 Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch! 403 00:34:25,109 --> 00:34:26,735 Happy days! 404 00:34:36,020 --> 00:34:38,283 Man, why do you do that to yourself? 405 00:34:39,123 --> 00:34:41,784 Oh, you don't really want to know that. 406 00:34:41,859 --> 00:34:43,257 I do, I do! 407 00:34:43,294 --> 00:34:45,261 Well, if you must pry. 408 00:34:45,262 --> 00:34:46,888 I must, I must! 409 00:34:47,998 --> 00:34:51,160 I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but... 410 00:34:51,569 --> 00:34:56,267 ...I used to be called the Waco Kid. 411 00:34:57,341 --> 00:35:01,572 The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West! 412 00:35:02,847 --> 00:35:04,575 In the world! 413 00:35:05,182 --> 00:35:07,843 Well, if you're the Kid, then show me something. 414 00:35:09,086 --> 00:35:14,285 Maybe a couple of years ago I could have shown you something, but today... 415 00:35:16,327 --> 00:35:17,794 ...look at that. 416 00:35:17,795 --> 00:35:19,592 Steady as a rock. 417 00:35:19,697 --> 00:35:22,290 Yes, but I shoot with this hand. 418 00:35:22,833 --> 00:35:27,497 See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid. You were just pulling my lariat. 419 00:35:43,220 --> 00:35:44,618 See that king? 420 00:35:45,923 --> 00:35:48,323 Put your hands on both sides of it. 421 00:35:51,829 --> 00:35:55,821 Now when I say, "go," you try to grab it first. 422 00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:59,635 Man, that's no contest. You're a mile away. 423 00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:08,334 Anyway, when you hear the word "go," you just try to grab it. 424 00:36:09,246 --> 00:36:10,405 Ready? 425 00:36:30,968 --> 00:36:32,799 You looking for this? 426 00:36:37,141 --> 00:36:41,778 Well, raise my rent! You are the Kid! 427 00:36:41,779 --> 00:36:45,305 Was. Yeah, I was the Kid. 428 00:36:47,751 --> 00:36:49,183 What happened? 429 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,555 Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk... 430 00:36:52,556 --> 00:36:55,024 ...who thought he could shoot a gun... 431 00:36:55,025 --> 00:36:58,392 ...would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. 432 00:37:00,831 --> 00:37:04,630 I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. 433 00:37:05,536 --> 00:37:07,298 It got pretty gritty. 434 00:37:07,671 --> 00:37:10,833 I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. 435 00:37:13,277 --> 00:37:14,835 Then one day... 436 00:37:15,312 --> 00:37:20,476 ...I was just walking down the street and I heard a voice behind me say... 437 00:37:22,019 --> 00:37:26,216 ..."Reach for it, mister!" I spun around. 438 00:37:28,292 --> 00:37:30,987 And there I was face to face... 439 00:37:32,963 --> 00:37:36,125 ...with a 6-year-old kid! 440 00:37:40,070 --> 00:37:43,937 Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. 441 00:37:46,710 --> 00:37:50,043 The little bastard shot me in the ass! 442 00:37:52,449 --> 00:37:57,579 So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle... 443 00:37:59,690 --> 00:38:01,885 ...and I've been there ever since. 444 00:38:06,030 --> 00:38:07,258 Have a drink. 445 00:38:13,937 --> 00:38:18,975 Anyway, that's all ancient history. Now you tell me your story. 446 00:38:18,976 --> 00:38:23,742 What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this? 447 00:38:24,548 --> 00:38:26,379 If you really must pry. 448 00:38:26,884 --> 00:38:28,908 I must, I must! 449 00:38:33,257 --> 00:38:36,392 Well, back in '56... 450 00:38:36,393 --> 00:38:40,556 ...my folks and I were part of this long wagon train... 451 00:38:40,631 --> 00:38:42,120 ...moving West. 452 00:38:55,112 --> 00:38:57,944 Well, not exactly part of it. 453 00:38:58,415 --> 00:39:02,919 You might say we were bringing up the rear, when suddenly, 454 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:06,823 ...from out of the West, came the entire Sioux Nation! 455 00:39:06,824 --> 00:39:11,260 And let me tell you, baby, they were open for business! 456 00:39:14,865 --> 00:39:19,135 Naturally, the white folks didn't let us travel in their circle... 457 00:39:19,136 --> 00:39:20,694 ...so we made our own. 458 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:58,807 Shvartzes? 459 00:40:06,483 --> 00:40:09,747 Luzem gayen! 460 00:40:14,024 --> 00:40:16,092 Cop a walk. It's all right. 461 00:40:16,093 --> 00:40:17,423 Thank you. 462 00:40:19,029 --> 00:40:21,759 Abi gezunt. Take off. 463 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:32,604 They're darker than us! 464 00:40:35,612 --> 00:40:38,376 And the rest is history. 465 00:40:39,716 --> 00:40:41,376 Impressed? 466 00:40:46,390 --> 00:40:49,757 Always like to keep my audience riveted. 467 00:41:43,180 --> 00:41:45,081 How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart? 468 00:41:45,082 --> 00:41:47,345 I'd say you've had enough! 469 00:41:50,821 --> 00:41:55,587 I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him? 470 00:42:01,765 --> 00:42:05,666 Why don't we give him to Mongo? 471 00:42:09,039 --> 00:42:11,530 Holy shit, that's too cruel! 472 00:42:12,142 --> 00:42:15,805 I'll be danged! That is a unique idea! 473 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:26,454 Down, boy, down, boy, down, Mongo! 474 00:42:26,723 --> 00:42:28,383 Hey, it's me. Taggart. 475 00:42:28,859 --> 00:42:30,553 Here, smell. Smell. 476 00:42:33,997 --> 00:42:36,328 That's a good Mongo. 477 00:42:37,167 --> 00:42:41,728 Hey, how about it? How would you like to mutilate that new sheriff? 478 00:42:46,743 --> 00:42:48,403 Have a cigar. 479 00:43:28,785 --> 00:43:31,287 Oh, by the way, I got a note this morning. 480 00:43:31,288 --> 00:43:32,455 From who? 481 00:43:32,456 --> 00:43:37,120 Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to the Deputy Spade. 482 00:43:40,897 --> 00:43:44,066 Well, once I establish myself in this town... 483 00:43:44,067 --> 00:43:47,900 ...Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position. 484 00:43:57,547 --> 00:44:01,073 Listen, Bart, I want you to do me a favor. 485 00:44:01,818 --> 00:44:04,120 I don't want you going out there this morning. 486 00:44:04,121 --> 00:44:06,756 You can't win these people over, no matter what you do. 487 00:44:06,757 --> 00:44:08,815 They're just not going to accept you. 488 00:44:19,002 --> 00:44:22,494 I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded! 489 00:44:25,675 --> 00:44:27,802 Just like old times. 490 00:44:31,615 --> 00:44:36,779 Like I told you, once you establish yourself, they've got to accept you. 491 00:44:37,788 --> 00:44:39,277 Catch you later. 492 00:44:43,827 --> 00:44:45,021 Good luck. 493 00:44:53,170 --> 00:44:54,659 Ah, good morning, ma'am. 494 00:44:56,039 --> 00:44:58,530 And isn't it a lovely morning? 495 00:44:58,875 --> 00:45:00,808 Up yours, nigger! 496 00:45:04,981 --> 00:45:08,541 What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny." 497 00:45:09,319 --> 00:45:11,218 "Make yourself at home." 498 00:45:12,222 --> 00:45:17,386 "Marry my daughter." You've got to remember these are just simple farmers. 499 00:45:18,228 --> 00:45:21,060 These are people of the land. 500 00:45:21,565 --> 00:45:25,296 The common clay of the new West. 501 00:45:26,536 --> 00:45:28,060 You know. 502 00:45:29,739 --> 00:45:31,228 Morons! 503 00:45:35,212 --> 00:45:37,043 What the hell is that? 504 00:45:51,928 --> 00:45:55,420 Mongo! Santa Marķa! 505 00:45:57,334 --> 00:45:59,401 I believe in it. And if any one of you... 506 00:45:59,402 --> 00:46:01,494 ...friends and neighbors, kind of gather around and... 507 00:46:01,605 --> 00:46:04,039 Holy shit! 508 00:46:08,712 --> 00:46:13,911 And they say that now in Paris, France, even as we speak... 509 00:46:14,417 --> 00:46:17,920 ...Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine... 510 00:46:17,921 --> 00:46:21,254 ...that will obliterate anthrax once and for all. 511 00:46:26,563 --> 00:46:29,298 Hey, you can't park that animal over there! 512 00:46:29,299 --> 00:46:30,891 It's illegal. 513 00:46:38,141 --> 00:46:43,135 Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and- mouth disease a thing of the past! 514 00:46:43,446 --> 00:46:47,382 Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo! 515 00:46:53,156 --> 00:46:54,987 I don't know what it is. 516 00:47:01,631 --> 00:47:03,666 Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! 517 00:47:03,667 --> 00:47:05,634 You've got to help us, please! 518 00:47:05,635 --> 00:47:08,270 Did you hear that? Now it's "please." 519 00:47:08,271 --> 00:47:13,075 This morning I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway? 520 00:47:13,076 --> 00:47:16,579 Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who." He's more of a "what." 521 00:47:16,580 --> 00:47:17,813 What he said. 522 00:47:17,814 --> 00:47:19,406 Well, I don't know... 523 00:47:19,482 --> 00:47:22,280 Oh, thank you very much! 524 00:47:24,020 --> 00:47:25,748 The fool's going to... 525 00:47:26,156 --> 00:47:28,590 I mean, the sheriff's going to do it. 526 00:47:34,097 --> 00:47:38,863 No, no, don't do that! If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad. 527 00:47:49,813 --> 00:47:51,644 Candygram for Mongo! 528 00:48:04,461 --> 00:48:05,561 Me, Mongo. 529 00:48:05,562 --> 00:48:07,222 Sign, please. 530 00:48:17,674 --> 00:48:19,801 Mongo like candy. 531 00:48:26,483 --> 00:48:28,974 A little further down, to the right. 532 00:48:29,252 --> 00:48:31,887 I thought sure that Mongo would mash him up... 533 00:48:31,888 --> 00:48:34,379 ...into little bitty sheriff meatballs. 534 00:48:34,591 --> 00:48:36,325 I just don't understand it. 535 00:48:36,326 --> 00:48:37,986 Be still, Taggart. 536 00:48:38,528 --> 00:48:41,497 My mind is a raging torrent... 537 00:48:41,498 --> 00:48:43,499 ...flooded with rivulets of thought... 538 00:48:43,500 --> 00:48:47,333 ...cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. 539 00:48:48,171 --> 00:48:50,639 Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr... 540 00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:54,541 ...you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore. 541 00:48:59,315 --> 00:49:02,477 Wait a minute, that's it! 542 00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:05,788 And it will work! 543 00:49:05,789 --> 00:49:08,724 You bet it will! What will work? 544 00:49:08,725 --> 00:49:10,559 Elementary, cactus-head! 545 00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:12,027 The beast has failed. 546 00:49:12,028 --> 00:49:15,395 And when the beast fails, it's time to call in beauty. 547 00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:18,359 Beauty? 548 00:49:20,303 --> 00:49:23,872 She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly! 549 00:49:23,873 --> 00:49:26,364 She'll bring him to his knees! 550 00:49:28,411 --> 00:49:31,680 Where's my froggie? Where's my froggie? 551 00:49:31,681 --> 00:49:34,149 I don't know. I didn't see it when I came in. 552 00:49:34,150 --> 00:49:36,174 Damn your eyes, look for it! 553 00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:45,192 Oh, there it is. 554 00:49:50,467 --> 00:49:55,666 That was a close one! Daddy loves Froggie. Froggie love Daddy? 555 00:50:05,348 --> 00:50:07,406 I don't know how you did it. 556 00:50:07,417 --> 00:50:09,051 He was nothing. 557 00:50:09,052 --> 00:50:11,653 The bitch was inventing the candygram. 558 00:50:11,654 --> 00:50:14,645 They probably won't give me credit for it. 559 00:50:23,466 --> 00:50:25,267 Good evening, sheriff. 560 00:50:25,268 --> 00:50:28,003 Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger." 561 00:50:28,004 --> 00:50:32,107 I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your... 562 00:50:32,108 --> 00:50:36,271 ...ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo. 563 00:50:36,279 --> 00:50:39,270 Thank you. Much obliged. Good night. 564 00:50:48,958 --> 00:50:53,519 Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you. 565 00:50:58,535 --> 00:51:03,305 I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town. 566 00:51:03,306 --> 00:51:07,509 See, in another 25 years you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight. 567 00:51:07,510 --> 00:51:10,345 Well, I'm not going to hold my breath for it. 568 00:51:10,346 --> 00:51:15,249 Come on, I don't want to be late. Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight. 569 00:51:15,485 --> 00:51:17,316 Lili von who? 570 00:51:31,668 --> 00:51:36,264 Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in. 571 00:51:40,844 --> 00:51:43,778 It's Hedley. For you, my dear. 572 00:51:44,714 --> 00:51:48,149 Oh, how ordinary. 573 00:51:51,487 --> 00:51:54,854 Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili! 574 00:51:56,025 --> 00:51:59,228 I can't find the words to truly express my joy... 575 00:51:59,229 --> 00:52:01,788 ...at the rekindling of our association. 576 00:52:02,065 --> 00:52:05,193 Bullshit, what's the job? 577 00:52:07,036 --> 00:52:09,197 I love it when you talk dirty. 578 00:52:21,317 --> 00:52:24,253 Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks. 579 00:52:24,254 --> 00:52:26,915 What do you want me to do? 580 00:52:28,024 --> 00:52:32,426 I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Rock Ridge. 581 00:52:32,528 --> 00:52:34,188 You think you can do it? 582 00:52:36,432 --> 00:52:38,267 Is Bismark a hewwing? 583 00:52:38,268 --> 00:52:41,896 Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me! 584 00:52:53,650 --> 00:52:58,654 And now, folks, the gal you've all been waiting for... 585 00:52:58,655 --> 00:53:03,854 ...the Bavarian Bombshell herself! Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp! 586 00:53:16,439 --> 00:53:20,272 "Here I stand, the goddess of desire... 587 00:53:20,443 --> 00:53:24,879 "...set men on fire. I have this power. 588 00:53:26,182 --> 00:53:30,140 "Morning, noon and night, it's drink and dancing... 589 00:53:30,153 --> 00:53:35,317 "...some quick romancing, and then a shower. 590 00:53:35,959 --> 00:53:39,795 "Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me... 591 00:53:39,796 --> 00:53:43,788 "...they always hound me with one request. 592 00:53:45,401 --> 00:53:48,995 "Who can satisfy their lustful habit? 593 00:53:49,405 --> 00:53:54,569 "I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest. 594 00:54:02,018 --> 00:54:04,110 "I'm tired... 595 00:54:05,088 --> 00:54:08,785 "...sick and tired of love... 596 00:54:09,993 --> 00:54:12,984 "I've had my fill of love... 597 00:54:14,364 --> 00:54:17,662 "...from below and above. 598 00:54:20,703 --> 00:54:25,867 "Tired, tired of being admired... 599 00:54:27,510 --> 00:54:31,002 "...tired of love uninspired. 600 00:54:32,482 --> 00:54:35,212 "Let's face it, I'm tired. 601 00:54:37,053 --> 00:54:42,217 "I've been with thousands of men again and again. 602 00:54:42,892 --> 00:54:45,553 "They promise the moon. 603 00:54:45,962 --> 00:54:51,126 "They're always coming and going and going and coming... 604 00:54:52,769 --> 00:54:55,260 "...and always too soon." 605 00:54:55,705 --> 00:54:57,472 Right, girls? 606 00:54:57,473 --> 00:55:02,637 "I'm tired. Tired of playing the game. 607 00:55:04,480 --> 00:55:08,279 "Ain't it a crying shame? 608 00:55:08,885 --> 00:55:12,377 "I'm so tired." 609 00:55:12,588 --> 00:55:15,386 Goddamn it, I'm exhausted! 610 00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:20,060 Hello, cowboy, what's your name? 611 00:55:20,696 --> 00:55:23,932 "Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am... 612 00:55:23,933 --> 00:55:25,700 ...are you in show business? 613 00:55:25,701 --> 00:55:26,601 Nope. 614 00:55:26,602 --> 00:55:30,071 Well, then, why don't you get your friggin' feet off the stage? 615 00:55:43,453 --> 00:55:48,617 Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show? 616 00:55:57,100 --> 00:56:00,535 Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady! 617 00:56:11,948 --> 00:56:15,349 "Tired of playing the game. 618 00:56:16,352 --> 00:56:20,447 "Ain't it a crying shame... 619 00:56:20,623 --> 00:56:23,114 "...I'm so tired. 620 00:56:30,967 --> 00:56:32,456 "She's tired. 621 00:56:32,835 --> 00:56:35,670 "Sick and tired of love. Give her a break. 622 00:56:35,671 --> 00:56:38,974 "She's had her fill of love. She's not a snake! 623 00:56:38,975 --> 00:56:42,467 "From below and above. Can't you see she's sick? 624 00:56:43,146 --> 00:56:44,479 "She's bushed. 625 00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:47,149 "Tired of being admired. Let her alone. 626 00:56:47,150 --> 00:56:49,311 "Tired of love uninspired. 627 00:56:51,787 --> 00:56:53,655 "Don't you know she's pooped? 628 00:56:53,656 --> 00:56:58,820 "I've been with thousands of men again and again. 629 00:56:59,595 --> 00:57:02,154 "They sing the same tune! 630 00:57:02,665 --> 00:57:06,334 "They start with Byron and Shelley... 631 00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:10,999 "...then jump on your belly, and bust your balloon. 632 00:57:17,346 --> 00:57:20,508 "Tired of playing the game. 633 00:57:21,717 --> 00:57:24,879 "Ain't it a friggin' shame? 634 00:57:26,289 --> 00:57:28,120 "I'm so..." 635 00:57:28,424 --> 00:57:33,623 Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput! 636 00:58:08,397 --> 00:58:10,023 What does it say? 637 00:58:10,366 --> 00:58:15,326 "I must see you alone in my dwessing woom right after the show." 638 00:58:29,986 --> 00:58:32,818 Wie gehts, meine schatzie? 639 00:58:33,289 --> 00:58:34,847 Faw out! 640 00:58:39,495 --> 00:58:43,328 A wed wose. How womantic! 641 00:58:44,267 --> 00:58:46,428 Have a seat, shewiff. 642 00:58:51,941 --> 00:58:53,675 Won't you excuse me for a moment... 643 00:58:53,676 --> 00:58:57,168 ...while I slip into something a little bit more comfortable? 644 00:59:00,016 --> 00:59:01,949 Bitte, baby. 645 00:59:08,958 --> 00:59:12,518 Why don't you loosen your bullets? 646 00:59:18,334 --> 00:59:21,394 Ahh, I feel wefweshed! 647 00:59:21,837 --> 00:59:24,328 Isn't it bwight in here? 648 00:59:30,246 --> 00:59:33,647 There! Isn't that better? 649 00:59:35,484 --> 00:59:38,077 Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment. 650 00:59:41,657 --> 00:59:42,857 How is it going? 651 00:59:42,858 --> 00:59:47,595 He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands. By morning he will be my slave. 652 00:59:47,596 --> 00:59:48,858 Splendid. 653 00:59:48,898 --> 00:59:50,888 Oh, just let me have a little feel. 654 00:59:51,834 --> 00:59:54,564 Where were we? Where are you? 655 00:59:56,172 --> 00:59:58,833 Let me sit down next to you. 656 01:00:00,843 --> 01:00:02,674 Tell me, schatzie... 657 01:00:03,079 --> 01:00:08,016 ...is it, ah, twu what they say about the way you people are gifted? 658 01:00:10,052 --> 01:00:13,715 Oh, it's twu, it's twu! 659 01:00:19,428 --> 01:00:21,863 Vill you care for another schnitzengruben? 660 01:00:21,864 --> 01:00:26,425 No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben. 661 01:00:26,769 --> 01:00:29,863 Well, then, how about a little? 662 01:00:32,875 --> 01:00:36,708 Baby, please, I am not from Havana. 663 01:00:37,146 --> 01:00:38,947 Excuse me, honey... 664 01:00:38,948 --> 01:00:43,214 ...besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do. 665 01:00:43,319 --> 01:00:46,481 Vill I, vill I see you later? 666 01:00:46,922 --> 01:00:51,559 That all depends on how much Vitamin E I can get my hands on. 667 01:00:51,560 --> 01:00:53,288 Nein, nein, achtung! 668 01:00:53,562 --> 01:00:56,464 No, no, you mustn't go! I need you! 669 01:00:56,465 --> 01:00:59,957 I never met nobody like you! I can't live without you! 670 01:01:02,304 --> 01:01:06,797 Please, you're making a German spectacle of yourself. 671 01:01:08,811 --> 01:01:10,972 Auf wiedersehen, baby. 672 01:01:17,753 --> 01:01:20,312 Oh, what a nice guy. 673 01:01:27,997 --> 01:01:31,830 Oh, deary, dear. Look what the cat dragged in. 674 01:01:44,613 --> 01:01:46,944 What's happening in the clean world? 675 01:01:47,316 --> 01:01:48,783 Bad news. 676 01:01:48,984 --> 01:01:53,853 I've got a writ here for Mongo's release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself. 677 01:01:58,260 --> 01:02:01,957 Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo? 678 01:02:04,533 --> 01:02:05,863 It's legal. 679 01:02:08,237 --> 01:02:12,138 Oh, those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out! 680 01:02:19,181 --> 01:02:21,012 Wake up time! 681 01:02:26,822 --> 01:02:29,984 Okay, Mongo. You're free to go. 682 01:02:31,193 --> 01:02:32,751 Mongo no go. 683 01:02:35,097 --> 01:02:39,089 Oh, come on, Mongo. You're a free man. 684 01:02:40,402 --> 01:02:45,566 Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo. 685 01:02:46,876 --> 01:02:51,278 Mongo impressed, have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart. 686 01:02:52,948 --> 01:02:55,609 Oh, you better watch out, big fella. 687 01:02:55,684 --> 01:02:58,914 I think Mongo's taken a little fancy to you. 688 01:03:02,892 --> 01:03:04,586 Mongo straight. 689 01:03:08,964 --> 01:03:11,332 Maybe you know why a high-roller... 690 01:03:11,333 --> 01:03:14,131 ...like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge. 691 01:03:14,470 --> 01:03:19,202 Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go. 692 01:03:22,211 --> 01:03:26,772 Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes? 693 01:03:27,249 --> 01:03:28,875 Don't know. 694 01:03:30,286 --> 01:03:34,984 Mongo only pawn in game of life. 695 01:03:38,294 --> 01:03:39,961 I think this might be a good time to mosey out... 696 01:03:39,962 --> 01:03:42,564 ...to where they're building the railroad... 697 01:03:42,565 --> 01:03:44,726 ...and maybe do a little snooping. 698 01:04:23,872 --> 01:04:26,431 Damn, damn, damn! 699 01:04:32,548 --> 01:04:36,211 Hey, how are you doing Bart? Get down off that horse! 700 01:04:41,824 --> 01:04:45,126 Oh, you shifty nigger! They said you were hung! 701 01:04:45,127 --> 01:04:46,527 And they were right! 702 01:04:46,528 --> 01:04:49,963 Look at that star, hoo-ee! Civil service! 703 01:04:53,202 --> 01:04:54,869 Wait. Back off, scamp. 704 01:04:54,870 --> 01:04:58,362 You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge. 705 01:04:58,807 --> 01:05:02,174 Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad is going through there! 706 01:05:17,693 --> 01:05:21,594 Back up off your brother! Don't mess up your brother! 707 01:05:38,681 --> 01:05:41,012 Holy mother of pearl! 708 01:05:41,383 --> 01:05:44,909 It's that nigger that hit me on the head with the shovel! 709 01:05:45,187 --> 01:05:48,923 Now what the hell do you think you're doing with that tin star, boy? 710 01:05:48,924 --> 01:05:54,088 Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge. 711 01:05:56,131 --> 01:05:58,223 Well, now if that don't beat all! 712 01:05:58,567 --> 01:06:00,935 Here we take the good time and trouble... 713 01:06:00,936 --> 01:06:03,768 ...to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? 714 01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:09,704 So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian! 715 01:06:10,379 --> 01:06:12,246 I am depressed. 716 01:06:12,247 --> 01:06:15,983 Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. 717 01:06:15,984 --> 01:06:18,686 What if me and the boys were to shoot that nigger dead? 718 01:06:18,687 --> 01:06:20,822 Would that pep you up some? 719 01:06:20,823 --> 01:06:22,323 Well, it might help. 720 01:06:22,324 --> 01:06:25,486 All right, boys. On the count of three. 721 01:06:25,728 --> 01:06:28,560 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 722 01:06:28,964 --> 01:06:30,798 Don't pay no attention to that alky. 723 01:06:30,799 --> 01:06:33,631 He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it. 724 01:06:36,305 --> 01:06:38,568 Like I said. On the count of three. 725 01:06:40,476 --> 01:06:41,635 One... 726 01:06:43,445 --> 01:06:44,604 ...two... 727 01:06:44,980 --> 01:06:46,139 ...three! 728 01:06:57,426 --> 01:07:02,590 Well, just don't sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. 729 01:07:02,931 --> 01:07:06,992 How about a little applause for the Waco Kid? 730 01:07:17,613 --> 01:07:20,448 All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar! 731 01:07:20,449 --> 01:07:23,384 The time has come to act and act quickly! 732 01:07:23,385 --> 01:07:24,819 All my plans have backfired! 733 01:07:24,820 --> 01:07:27,488 Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves! 734 01:07:27,489 --> 01:07:31,893 Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. 735 01:07:31,894 --> 01:07:34,225 You going to need an army to beat him! 736 01:07:34,296 --> 01:07:36,130 You're finished. 737 01:07:36,131 --> 01:07:41,295 Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked! 738 01:07:47,276 --> 01:07:50,438 Shut up! You Teutonic twat! 739 01:07:51,346 --> 01:07:53,541 I must think. 740 01:08:01,623 --> 01:08:06,423 Wait a minute. She said army. Of course! 741 01:08:06,528 --> 01:08:11,692 An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the West! 742 01:08:14,870 --> 01:08:19,704 I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes! 743 01:08:19,875 --> 01:08:21,642 What do you want me to do, sir? 744 01:08:21,643 --> 01:08:25,079 I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. 745 01:08:25,080 --> 01:08:26,569 Take this down. 746 01:08:27,282 --> 01:08:32,019 I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters... 747 01:08:32,020 --> 01:08:36,591 ...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits... 748 01:08:36,592 --> 01:08:41,529 ...vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits... 749 01:08:41,530 --> 01:08:45,099 ...muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers... 750 01:08:45,100 --> 01:08:49,103 ...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers... 751 01:08:49,104 --> 01:08:52,004 ...shit kickers and Methodists! 752 01:08:54,076 --> 01:08:56,407 Could you repeat that, sir? 753 01:09:05,721 --> 01:09:07,552 Where's everybody going? 754 01:09:09,057 --> 01:09:10,319 Read this. 755 01:09:20,535 --> 01:09:24,596 Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man? 756 01:09:24,740 --> 01:09:29,904 We don't care if it's the First Act of Henry the Fifth! We're leaving! 757 01:09:30,512 --> 01:09:34,573 Now, wait a minute! Wait just one doggoned minute! 758 01:09:35,350 --> 01:09:40,514 Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. 759 01:09:40,589 --> 01:09:43,956 Just 24 hours, that's all I ask. 760 01:09:43,959 --> 01:09:45,551 No! 761 01:09:46,128 --> 01:09:48,562 You'd do it for Randolph Scott. 762 01:09:53,769 --> 01:09:57,170 All right, sheriff. 24 hours. 763 01:10:57,232 --> 01:10:58,426 Next! 764 01:10:59,468 --> 01:11:00,935 Qualifications? 765 01:11:00,969 --> 01:11:03,733 Rape, murder, arson and rape. 766 01:11:03,939 --> 01:11:05,736 You said rape twice. 767 01:11:06,174 --> 01:11:07,663 I like rape. 768 01:11:09,945 --> 01:11:12,845 Charming. Sign right here. 769 01:11:13,815 --> 01:11:15,646 Take that badge. 770 01:11:19,254 --> 01:11:20,686 Qualifications? 771 01:11:20,889 --> 01:11:24,392 Arson, armed robbery, mayhem. 772 01:11:24,393 --> 01:11:28,385 Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth? 773 01:11:30,999 --> 01:11:33,694 Nothing, eh? Lyle. 774 01:11:36,471 --> 01:11:37,733 Gum! 775 01:11:37,973 --> 01:11:40,975 Chewing gum on line, eh? 776 01:11:40,976 --> 01:11:44,274 I hope you brought enough for everybody. 777 01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:48,011 I didn't know there was going to be so many. 778 01:11:53,055 --> 01:11:55,546 Boy, is he strict! 779 01:11:55,557 --> 01:11:58,787 We've got to get in there close and find out what's happening. 780 01:12:00,162 --> 01:12:01,788 There's our ticket! 781 01:12:08,570 --> 01:12:10,162 Hey, boys! 782 01:12:11,306 --> 01:12:13,239 Look what I've got there! 783 01:12:14,910 --> 01:12:17,207 Hey, where are the white women at? 784 01:12:31,293 --> 01:12:33,556 Man, that was pretty! I liked that. 785 01:12:34,229 --> 01:12:38,529 Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge. 786 01:12:41,837 --> 01:12:45,135 We don't need no stinkin' badges! 787 01:12:46,775 --> 01:12:47,934 Next! 788 01:12:48,110 --> 01:12:49,440 Qualifications? 789 01:12:49,711 --> 01:12:51,579 Stampeding cattle. 790 01:12:51,580 --> 01:12:53,414 That's not much of a crime. 791 01:12:53,415 --> 01:12:55,246 Through the Vatican! 792 01:12:55,250 --> 01:12:56,739 Kinky! 793 01:12:59,621 --> 01:13:01,989 Why, Rhett, how many times have I told you... 794 01:13:01,990 --> 01:13:04,788 ...to wash up after weekly cross-burning? 795 01:13:04,926 --> 01:13:06,552 See, it's coming off. 796 01:13:08,730 --> 01:13:12,722 And now, for my next impression, Jesse Owens! 797 01:13:14,002 --> 01:13:15,764 Catch them! 798 01:13:16,238 --> 01:13:21,141 Hold up, men, we'll head them off at the pass! 799 01:13:21,943 --> 01:13:26,777 Head them off at the pass? I hate that clich? 800 01:13:44,766 --> 01:13:46,324 Say, "hello." 801 01:13:46,334 --> 01:13:47,596 Hello. 802 01:13:48,170 --> 01:13:50,204 Listen to me, and listen to me good. 803 01:13:50,205 --> 01:13:52,873 I want you to get all the brothers together... 804 01:13:52,874 --> 01:13:57,178 ...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on... 805 01:13:57,179 --> 01:14:02,343 ...and meet me tonight 3 miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight. 806 01:14:02,651 --> 01:14:03,913 You understand? 807 01:14:04,119 --> 01:14:05,483 Say, "goodbye." 808 01:14:06,788 --> 01:14:08,482 Thanks a lot, brother. 809 01:14:37,018 --> 01:14:40,187 All right, folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing... 810 01:14:40,188 --> 01:14:42,556 ...out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night. 811 01:14:42,557 --> 01:14:44,183 You bet your ass! 812 01:14:44,926 --> 01:14:46,393 I'm hip. 813 01:14:46,561 --> 01:14:48,462 Now, before the sun comes up... 814 01:14:48,463 --> 01:14:54,731 ...we're going to build on this sight an exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge. 815 01:14:57,239 --> 01:15:01,075 Every building, every storefront, every rock and every tree... 816 01:15:01,076 --> 01:15:04,977 ...right down to the orange roof on Howard Johnson's outhouse. 817 01:15:06,081 --> 01:15:07,414 I get it! 818 01:15:07,415 --> 01:15:10,284 And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr and his men come riding in... 819 01:15:10,285 --> 01:15:11,619 ...to destroy the real Rock Ridge... 820 01:15:11,620 --> 01:15:13,687 ...they'll actually be destroying the fake Rock Ridge! 821 01:15:13,688 --> 01:15:16,190 But they'll think it's the real Rock Ridge! 822 01:15:16,191 --> 01:15:18,425 But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge! 823 01:15:18,426 --> 01:15:22,096 How're we going to do it? We don't have the time nor the people. 824 01:15:22,097 --> 01:15:24,861 Wrong! There's why. 825 01:15:27,235 --> 01:15:29,635 Who the hell are they? 826 01:15:33,008 --> 01:15:38,207 Railroad workers. They've agreed to help us make our dream come true. 827 01:15:38,213 --> 01:15:40,814 And all they ask in return is a little plot of land... 828 01:15:40,815 --> 01:15:43,150 ...they can call their own to homestead. 829 01:15:43,151 --> 01:15:44,777 What do you say? 830 01:15:51,726 --> 01:15:55,753 We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks... 831 01:15:55,897 --> 01:15:58,592 ...but we don't want the Irish! 832 01:16:03,538 --> 01:16:05,130 No deal. 833 01:16:05,674 --> 01:16:09,735 Ah, prairie shit! Everybody! 834 01:16:14,049 --> 01:16:15,516 Oh, Lord... 835 01:16:16,251 --> 01:16:21,415 ...do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night? 836 01:16:23,658 --> 01:16:26,490 Or are we just jerking off? 837 01:16:36,738 --> 01:16:41,902 Okay, okay, we have done it. Now, let's see what we have done. 838 01:17:21,683 --> 01:17:26,847 Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade... 839 01:17:27,355 --> 01:17:30,346 ...to stamp out runaway decency in the West. 840 01:17:30,558 --> 01:17:33,227 Now you will only be risking your lives... 841 01:17:33,228 --> 01:17:38,290 ...whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination... 842 01:17:38,967 --> 01:17:40,900 ...for Best Supporting Actor. 843 01:17:41,302 --> 01:17:43,793 Now raise your right hand for the pledge. 844 01:17:45,740 --> 01:17:47,138 Right! 845 01:17:48,476 --> 01:17:51,740 And repeat after me. I... 846 01:17:52,847 --> 01:17:54,181 ...your name... 847 01:17:54,182 --> 01:17:55,816 ...your name... 848 01:17:55,817 --> 01:17:59,219 Schmucks! ...pledge allegiance... 849 01:17:59,220 --> 01:18:00,921 ...pledge allegiance... 850 01:18:00,922 --> 01:18:02,823 ...to Hedley Lamarr... 851 01:18:02,824 --> 01:18:04,725 ...to Hedy Lamarr... 852 01:18:04,726 --> 01:18:06,059 That's Hedley! 853 01:18:06,060 --> 01:18:07,694 ...that's Hedley... 854 01:18:07,695 --> 01:18:09,663 ...and to the evil... 855 01:18:09,664 --> 01:18:11,498 ...and to the evil... 856 01:18:11,499 --> 01:18:13,500 ...for which he stands! 857 01:18:13,501 --> 01:18:15,269 ...for which he stands! 858 01:18:15,270 --> 01:18:20,434 Now go do that voodoo that you do so well! 859 01:18:33,054 --> 01:18:36,352 Hold the happiness. We are in trouble. 860 01:18:37,258 --> 01:18:39,960 Yep! We forgot one little detail. 861 01:18:39,961 --> 01:18:44,192 Nothing is missing. Everything is here, down to the last hitching post. 862 01:18:44,265 --> 01:18:46,767 People. There are no people. 863 01:18:46,768 --> 01:18:49,702 Now don't panic. Don't panic. 864 01:18:49,971 --> 01:18:53,073 We just made a perfect copy of Rock Ridge. 865 01:18:53,074 --> 01:18:57,032 Now all we've got to do is make perfect copies of ourselves. 866 01:18:57,879 --> 01:19:00,380 But they'll be here in half an hour. 867 01:19:00,381 --> 01:19:02,916 Right, so we've got to start working fast. 868 01:19:02,917 --> 01:19:07,148 You men start working on the dummies. Jim and Mongo, come with me. 869 01:19:07,222 --> 01:19:11,225 I've got an idea that will slow them down to a crawl. 870 01:19:11,226 --> 01:19:12,624 All right, let's go! 871 01:19:20,335 --> 01:19:22,826 Yeah, that's nice. 872 01:19:44,492 --> 01:19:49,656 Le Petomane Thruway! Now what will that asshole think of next? 873 01:19:51,766 --> 01:19:54,257 Has anybody got a dime? 874 01:19:55,470 --> 01:19:59,133 Somebody's got to go back and get a shit-load of dimes. 875 01:20:07,849 --> 01:20:12,285 Hurry up. Speed it up or we're never going to get to Rock Ridge! 876 01:20:12,353 --> 01:20:15,617 Come on, move them through! 877 01:20:21,362 --> 01:20:23,796 Well, they're through the tollbooth. 878 01:20:25,800 --> 01:20:28,791 Look at this, they're buying it! 879 01:20:38,646 --> 01:20:42,549 All right, here we go. Hold your ears, folks! 880 01:20:42,550 --> 01:20:44,642 It's show time! 881 01:20:48,890 --> 01:20:50,057 Nothing! 882 01:20:50,058 --> 01:20:51,758 What are we going to do? 883 01:20:51,759 --> 01:20:55,558 Any minute now they're going to discover the town is fake and pull out! 884 01:20:57,565 --> 01:21:00,167 You think you could squeeze off a little shot from here... 885 01:21:00,168 --> 01:21:02,659 ...and set off the dynamite down there? 886 01:21:03,271 --> 01:21:05,102 I'll give it a try. 887 01:21:15,249 --> 01:21:18,852 Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen... 888 01:21:18,853 --> 01:21:21,344 ...and may God grant... 889 01:21:33,034 --> 01:21:34,601 It's a fake! 890 01:21:34,602 --> 01:21:36,694 We've been suckered in! 891 01:21:53,388 --> 01:21:57,324 Okay, folks, let's wipe them out! 892 01:22:21,416 --> 01:22:23,349 Forgive me, Lord! 893 01:23:26,013 --> 01:23:28,081 "Throw out your hands, stick out your tush. 894 01:23:28,082 --> 01:23:30,383 "Hands on your hips, give them a push. 895 01:23:30,384 --> 01:23:34,217 "You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake. Voil?" 896 01:23:36,390 --> 01:23:38,221 All right, cut! 897 01:23:42,830 --> 01:23:44,319 Wrong! 898 01:23:47,034 --> 01:23:50,837 Just watch me. It's so simple! 899 01:23:50,838 --> 01:23:52,669 You sissy Marys! 900 01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:57,709 Give me the playback. And watch me, faggots! 901 01:24:10,591 --> 01:24:11,858 Have you got it? 902 01:24:11,859 --> 01:24:13,587 Yessssssss. 903 01:24:14,061 --> 01:24:16,256 Sounds like steam escaping! 904 01:24:16,297 --> 01:24:19,960 Action! Okay, wait until I get out. 905 01:24:50,231 --> 01:24:54,501 Cut! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? 906 01:24:54,502 --> 01:24:56,902 This is a closed set! 907 01:24:57,471 --> 01:25:00,473 Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks. 908 01:25:00,474 --> 01:25:02,908 Not in the face! 909 01:25:04,345 --> 01:25:05,777 Thank you. 910 01:25:05,813 --> 01:25:09,282 They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls! 911 01:25:18,492 --> 01:25:20,594 You vulgar shit! 912 01:25:20,595 --> 01:25:23,757 Why, you miserable pansy! 913 01:25:27,969 --> 01:25:30,096 I'm parked over by the commissary. 914 01:25:34,475 --> 01:25:38,467 You brute, you brute, you vicious brute! 915 01:25:39,714 --> 01:25:42,205 All right, all right... 916 01:25:56,664 --> 01:25:58,698 How many days do you have left, Joey? 917 01:25:58,699 --> 01:26:01,667 They lose me right after the bunker scene. 918 01:26:03,738 --> 01:26:05,330 What the hell is that? 919 01:26:10,611 --> 01:26:14,012 Get your pies for the great pie fight! 920 01:26:17,752 --> 01:26:20,720 This is our Studio commissary where some Hollywood stars... 921 01:26:20,721 --> 01:26:22,916 ...come to eat. Keep in line. 922 01:26:29,931 --> 01:26:33,025 And now we'll go to the Special Effects Department. 923 01:26:37,438 --> 01:26:41,135 Yankee bean soup, cole slaw and tuna surprise. 924 01:27:21,082 --> 01:27:22,571 Taxi! 925 01:27:27,521 --> 01:27:29,579 Drive me off this picture! 926 01:27:58,519 --> 01:27:59,953 You dropped your beads. 927 01:27:59,954 --> 01:28:01,443 One, please. 928 01:28:02,790 --> 01:28:04,621 Uh, student. 929 01:28:04,625 --> 01:28:06,114 Are you kidding? 930 01:28:08,195 --> 01:28:09,855 Pain in the ass. 931 01:28:09,997 --> 01:28:12,632 Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes! 932 01:28:12,633 --> 01:28:13,963 Hedley! 933 01:28:42,563 --> 01:28:43,893 Freeze it! 934 01:28:44,398 --> 01:28:47,000 Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun. 935 01:28:47,001 --> 01:28:50,561 Wait, wait, I'm unarmed. 936 01:28:50,571 --> 01:28:54,006 All right, we'll settle it like men. 937 01:28:55,076 --> 01:28:56,543 With our fists. 938 01:28:57,411 --> 01:29:01,711 Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed. 939 01:29:08,789 --> 01:29:13,953 How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet? 940 01:29:19,433 --> 01:29:21,594 You shot the bad guy! 941 01:29:23,637 --> 01:29:25,604 Well, what do you want to do now? 942 01:29:25,806 --> 01:29:28,638 Come on, let's check out the end of the flick. 943 01:29:29,043 --> 01:29:32,307 I sure hope there's a happy ending. I love a happy ending. 944 01:29:37,384 --> 01:29:40,944 Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you. 945 01:29:41,155 --> 01:29:45,216 My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. 946 01:29:45,493 --> 01:29:48,795 I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West. 947 01:29:48,796 --> 01:29:53,289 Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets. 948 01:29:53,467 --> 01:29:56,569 Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity. 949 01:29:56,570 --> 01:30:00,801 Wherever people cry out for justice. 950 01:30:01,142 --> 01:30:02,973 Bullshit! 951 01:30:05,279 --> 01:30:06,713 All right, you caught me. 952 01:30:06,714 --> 01:30:10,445 To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here. 953 01:30:10,684 --> 01:30:14,415 Good luck, Bart, and God bless you. 954 01:30:19,160 --> 01:30:20,991 'Bye, baby brother. 955 01:30:22,630 --> 01:30:24,825 Keep the faith, brothers! 956 01:30:40,814 --> 01:30:42,804 Where are you headed, cowboy? 957 01:30:43,784 --> 01:30:45,444 Nowhere special. 958 01:30:47,955 --> 01:30:53,119 Nowhere special. I always wanted to go there. 959 01:30:54,628 --> 01:30:55,890 Come on! 960 01:31:26,727 --> 01:31:30,830 "He conquered fear and he conquered hate." 961 01:31:30,831 --> 01:31:34,664 "He turned our night into day." 962 01:31:35,305 --> 01:31:41,211 Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom. $5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com