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Mr. Brogan!
I assume you called in regard to the mortgage payment on Castle Plunkett...
unfortunately still delayed by what seems to be our endless postal strike.
Dear sir, I must once again remind you my first name is not Dick...
nor is my last name Face.
It is simply Peter, Peter Plunkett.
No, I was not given a middle name, but had I been...
I feel certain my mother would not have chosen...
"Low-life Shit-for-brains Peckerhead."
Well, you obviously know a side of Mother I have been happily sheltered from.
Nevertheless, I marvel at your colorfully creative...
ever-so-American colloquialisms...
which flow so trippingly from your razor-like tongue.
The hotel is in tiptop condition.
The renovations are proceeding at a... What?
- Why shouldn't I bother? - Peter, who are you calling?
Oh, Mother, will you please get off the line?
Turning the castle into a theme park?
Irish World?
Gee, what an interesting notion. In... In Malibu?
What is Malibu?
I see. You want to move the castle to Malibu...
which I am to presume lies on the western corner of those United States.
Mr. Brogan, if I cannot send your payment...
how on earth do you expect to transport an entire castle across the sea?
The number of stamps alone is mind-boggling!
Well, I can assure you, Mr. Brogan, that if it goes on much longer...
I will take this check, which I am holding in my hand...
And personally ferry it across the water to England and mail it to you myself.
That's how much I care.
What postal strike?
Shut up, Mother!
I don't think that kind of language is necessary, Mr. Brogan.
Understandable, but...
So, what you are saying is that...
if I don't come up with the money in three weeks...
you will foreclose and take over Castle Plunkett.
I see.
Have you heard of the quality of mercy, Mr. Brogan?
No?
You haven't read your Shakespeare, Mr. Brogan.
Goodbye.
Oh, there you are!
Taking the easy way out, you naughty boy!
Mother, this is not easy. It is very, very difficult.
Just because you haven't got a guest in the place, you're in hock to that fellow Brogan.
Your father's so worried he's tearing his hair out!
Mother, Father has been dead for a decade!
And what about your grandmother, how do you think she feels?
- Mother, Grandmother is dead, too! - She's still upset.
Oh, very well. I apologize profoundly to the ghosts of my ancestors...
for making a mess of their ancestral home.
- Hold that. - I'm not going to help you.
Mother?
How many ghosts are there here?
Well...
there's Great Auntie Nan and Uncle Toby...
and that nice Elizabethan lady...
and the nun who was walled into the closet...
and Oliver's bastard, who never came out of the library.
- Mother? - What, darling?
- What a wonderful idea. - What, darling?
Ghosts.
- Ghosts? - Ghosts.
A wonderful tourist attraction.
Ghosts... Ghosts...
Katie! Katie!
Katie, take this down!
Castle Plunkett! The superbly restored edifice...
in the heart of that incomparably beautiful Irish countryside...
also known to be the most haunted place on the Emerald Isle!
Here the dead outnumber the living!
This castle contains more ghouls, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties...
and things that go bump in the night than on any other place...
on this revolving, revolting, maggot-spinning Earth!
We can promise you banshees, pookas, ghouls of all descriptions!
The one thing we won't promise is a good night's sleep!
But there are no bloody ghosts here.
I know, but there will be! We'll invent them!
Yes, Mr. Wilson.
The accommodations are strictly modern, in so far as renovations...
have been consistent with maintaining the ectoplasmic ambiance...
of Castle Plunkett and environs.
Illusion.
Like you, Katie, for instance.
You high on a wire would be magnificent as a flying banshee!
A little dry rot, selective damp, some fungus here and there.
Ghosts need such things to exist. Thank you.
Patricia. Patricia. You could be a mermaid...
or Lady Godiva.
- Anybody dead down there? - Only the corpse, Eamon.
What the shagging hell are you doing up there?
Genius, bud, pure genius. Just you wait till they see it.
The bloody hand to the front.
And the bloody feet at the rear.
Look, what in the name of God is that? We're not doing "The African Queen".
Would you get me the shagging fish I asked you for?
Smile, Katie, smile!
You have to smile. The Americans are coming tomorrow.
Now, Eamon, you little genius, one more time.
Ready, steady, go!
Jack, what are you doing?
It's a little champagne. To us, to Ireland...
your homeland, Loch Ness monster, guys in skirts...
That's Scotland, Jack.
I knew that... I knew that.
Oh, Christ!
- I got it, honey. - Oh, Jack. I've just taken two Valium...
- and now you drown me in champagne. - I got it. I got it.
No. No.
God, next thing you know you'll want to have sex.
Ma'am?
- Want champagne? - No.
I suppose sex is out of the question?
I think I should be the tart on the horse and you should be the hag in the tree.
I think I should go home.
Just give me the hair back.
Bon voyage!
On our left we have the Haughlin Bog...
home to more grisly and gruesome murders...
than any comparable spot in the universe.
The fierce, fighting O'Flahertys would pile down from the Knockmealdown Mountains...
and pillage and rape women and children, nuns and priests...
- We have children here. - ...even Christian brothers and...
God help us all, the occasional sheep or goat.
Now here, within the confines of Castle Plunkett itself...
we come to the infamous Wailing Willow, from which the Brogan Banshee...
angis reputed to wail and howl from time to time.
They're coming, Katie, they're coming!
- Get ready to show them all you have! - Scare the Jesus out of them.
Howl, Katie, howl! Go on, howl like a banshee!
Frighten the life out of them! Wave your arms!
Oh, Jesus!
Katie!
Stop the bus!
Help me!
- Driver! - Driver!
Help me!
- There's a lady on the luggage rack! - I'm not a lady! I'm a banshee!
Well, there's a banshee on the luggage rack!
The banshee's howling brings forth the restless spirit of Lady Amelia Purefroy...
risen from her grave, riding naked on her magical mount!
Hands and heels out, Patricia!
Someone help me! Help!
Awesome!
Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!
The things I do for you!
Deeply appreciated.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, my God, I'm drowning!
- I can't swim! Help my son! - Are you all right?
- Don't panic, don't panic! - What do you mean, "Don't panic"?
Yes, I mean don't panic!
- Oh, shut up! - She's amphibious, or so I'm told.
Jesus Christ! This is the end of the world.
Best foot forward, Katie.
Welcome to Castle Plunkett!
You are most heartily welcome!
Ladies, gentlemen, children...
you appear to be a trifle moist. May I?
Good evening, boys, young lady. Mr. Crawford, Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Clay.
Mr. Plunkett, what is this Whiting Anglais?
Oh, that would be a lovely whiting with breadcrumbs.
- And the Whiting a Nature? - Boiled whiting.
So, what's the Whiting Vapeur stuff?
That, my dear young one, would be whiting steamed.
And what is this? Whiting Bordeaux?
Very witty, Mr. Clay, very witty.
Okay, Mom, you got us here. Now, where are these ghosts?
- Come on, I want to see one now. - Boys!
- I'm afraid there are no ghosts here. - Oh, a cynic, Mr. Clay.
No, a parapsychologist, Mr. Plunkett.
Duke University.
- A para what? - A parapsychologist, an expert in ghosts.
Give the parapsychologist a drink, Katie.
Whiting bisque, madam?
Thank you.
And for you, Father, the whiting bisque?
So, I was seeing this guy and he's a devil worshipper, right?
Well, he's a hairdresser, really, but he devil worships on the side.
And we booked this dumb tour 'cause, you know...
he likes ghosts, corpses, dead gerbils, that kind of thing.
And he ran off with this Buddhist monk.
I mean, how was I supposed to know he was gay?
- So what about you? Are you gay, too? - No, I'm not.
- But I'm chaste. - Just kidding, trick question.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I thought I'd take a vacation here in the...
in the Isle of Saints, before I take my final vows.
A sort of spiritual treat... Retreat.
Yeah, well, I've kind of taken a vow myself.
I've sworn off men, for a while at least.
- But you're not a priest yet? - No, not yet.
Well, here's to keeping our vows.
Mr. Plunkett.
Who's that?
Mary Plunkett.
My great-great-great-great-great great-grand cousin.
She died right here, in Castle Plunkett, 200 years ago.
- She couldn't take the whiting, either? - Levity is out of place, Mrs. Crawford.
She was murdered on her wedding night...
by the hand of her newly wedded husband.
Why don't I just give you both, here? I'll get the change later.
- Lovely music. - Shut up!
Honey, everybody's singing.
- Jack. - It's beautiful.
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
Wonderful, wonderful!
The full moon has risen above Haughlin Bog.
Those of you with nervous dispositions would do well to protect yourselves.
Lock your windows. Bolt your doors!
Say your prayers.
For tonight, they may be walking abroad...
the cluricanes, the banshees and the pookas.
Goodnight. Sleep well, if you can...
if you dare.
Lights.
Where did they all go?
Don't ask. They might come back.
Well, if there are any ghosts in this castle...
I hope to God they put on a better show than this one.
It was pretty scary, huh, kids?
Didn't you see Nightmare on Elm Street?
Give me a break...
Scared the shit out of me.
Right. Phase two.
Katie, banshee time. Julia, where's me bandages?
Because it's hard to get a significant CR reading...
when there's no observed deviation to be measured.
I'm afraid that this is going to be the most pitiful scam that...
- I've ever had the pleasure of exposing. - There's not even a dress hanger in this dump.
Malky!
Get me the nightie you bought me at the duty-free.
Honey?
Oh, thanks, bugbear.
Oh, take this, would you?
Expected random fluctuations of the standard deviation...
would need to exceed 2.33 for it to be conceived as significant.
Here we have a very impressive sight indeed.
It's the winning Hereford bull, owned by Mr. Linchum Topper Curry...
and he is won the competition for the third year in a row.
Mind you, the competition we saw today was of a very high quality indeed...
and the judges had a very difficult task.
Of course, these days the judges emphasize grooming...
- whether it be bull or calf. - Oh, my God!
Major jet lag.
...if you take a walk around the stalls this morning...
whether it be heifers or bulls...
Excuse me?
I don't believe in ghosts...
Oh, wait...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Calm down, Miranda.
You can stop it now because, really, I'm not scared!
Oh, no.
Well, I've got you, Katie. Calm down.
One more time now, Katie, and give the window a little tap.
- Tap it yourself. - Away, Little John!
Turn and look at me, you bastard!
Okay, you guys.
If you aren't in bed in three seconds, you are grounded!
- But we haven't seen a ghost yet. - And I'm not whistling Dixie.
Help me! Help!
Please, somebody help me!
Where's he going?
- Help me! Help! - All right! All right, I'm coming!
Brother Tony, you have to help me!
- Brother Tony, you have to make it stop! - I will!
- All right! - I don't like it at all!
- Come on, Brother Tony, jump! - I'm coming!
Help me! Help! Oh, God!
Brother Tony, do something!
- Don't just lie there, do something! - Like what?
- Do something! - Like what?
Exorcise it! Exorcise it! You're a priest, aren't you?
Well, I have a little something from Revelations.
- Revelations? - Revelations.
"Yea, then I saw an angel...
Then I saw... I saw..." I'm going to be sick!
- Oh, God! - It's not working!
- We're going to die! - No, no, no.
- They're going to kill us! - No!
A change in the humidity and you will turn blue.
Come to me, bugbear, make me a woman.
My love.
Oh, that's the most pathetic display that I've ever seen!
Malcolm!
What is that, a 45-degree, semi-silver mirror?
Now, Eamon.
The sword!
Jack, what are you doing?
I smell something burning, Jack.
Sharon!
How many times do I have to tell you, no?
- I'm exhausted. - I just saw...
- We are not making love tonight! - I just...
I just saw a ghost!
That is the most pathetic excuse for sex I have ever heard.
If I say I'm too tired, then I'm too tired.
Thank you very much, Jack. Now I need to take two more Valium.
- Oh, my God, he's got my underwear! - Oh, very nice, a pervert ghost.
- Malcolm, the children! - Don't worry, Marge, I'll handle this!
Get away from the children!
Supernatural, huh?
Sounds pretty solid to me. Behind me, children!
How dare you threaten my family, you phony...
Cowardly dog.
Take...
- Go get him! - Back off.
- I think it's real, Dad! - I'll show you real.
Oh, mother of God!
You could have shagging killed me.
Maybe if we made love more often, you wouldn't need your stupid pills.
Do not take that Valium. Sharon, do not take that Valium!
Would you listen to me for once in your life? Sharon, please.
- It's not working. We have to stop! - No, no!
- We have to try something else! - Like what?
What are you doing, you brats, to that poor ghost?
- Malcolm! - Plunkett!
You phony! You fake!
Man! You...
Julia, Julia, Julia.
- Are you all right, my poor pet? - Oh, you little demons, you. Help!
Now, calm yourselves, calm yourselves, calm yourselves.
As the brochure says: it's the unpredictability of spirits that causes problems.
I would like to apologize for any minor inconveniences.
This is the most pitiful supernatural sham that I've ever encountered!
It will get better, I do assure you.
That's it. That's it.
We are leaving tomorrow morning, Jack.
- Oh, no, no, no, my dear woman. - Tomorrow morning.
Am I intruding?
Just give the poor ghosts a little time.
Hey, we're history, dude.
But couldn't we look on tonight as a kind of dress rehearsal?
You're finished, Plunkett!
I am going to personally expose this pathetic fraud!
There are laws, sir, against people like you!
Marge, children, we're leaving.
Maybe Jim Brogan will give us another chance.
- Jim Brogan? - Jack...
- What's Jim Brogan got to do with this? - Jack!
Yeah, he has the mortgage on the place...
and we've only got two weeks left and then he's going to throw us out.
Jack, I'm very tired. I'd like to go to bed now.
- Just wait a minute. Just wait a minute! - Now!
- What's going on here, Mr. Plunkett? - So we told a lie.
Everyone lies once in a while.
So Katie isn't a ghost, and Julia still has her head on...
and Eamon isn't a mummy, and the castle isn't haunted.
But what of that?
What you have to ask yourselves is, why did we do it?
We did it because we love this place.
Every little worm-eaten brick, every little rotting nook and cranny.
Why should you Americans care if I lose my home...
Castle Plunkett...
and the villagers lose their only means of employment?
Thank you, dear.
Jack. Jack, let's go to bed.
- I care, Mr. Plunkett. - What?
I care.
Jim Brogan is my father-in-law so I'm involved in this.
You're Jim Brogan's daughter?
Yes...
My name's Brogan.
Well, I might as well tell you that there won't be any extensions on your mortgage.
- I mean, not after tonight's performance. - I don't believe this.
Daddy asked me to check it out.
I mean, this ghost business was too ridiculous.
- So you came to sabotage us. - No, no, no!
You did perfectly all right all by yourself. I didn't have to lift a finger.
Jack, are you coming?
Look, I...
I don't know what to say. I mean...
I didn't know.
I didn't.
And for what it's worth, I think this place is great.
You're the ghost in the bedroom.
You were the banshee on the luggage rack.
Sharon! Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon, hey, wait a minute. Just wait a minute.
Daddy wants this place. He's always wanted it.
He was born here. He hates the Plunketts.
- Why? - Why not?
- Daddy hates most people. - So you lied to me.
You used our second honeymoon for Daddy.
Jack, it's business.
It's business?
Obviously, a word you're not familiar with.
- Where are you going? - To get drunk.
I don't want you to lose your castle, not to my father-in-law.
He's a son of a bitch.
Oh, my dear fellow, you're too kind..
He's an unlovely combination of a son of a bitch and a rat's knackers.
What's a rat's knackers?
It's an unholy trinity of a muckraker...
a gobshite and a whore's mouth.
The guy's a dick.
In a word. Would you like a drink?
- I thought I had one. - I mean, a real drink.
Upsy-daisy.
My father's brew.
Perfect.
Don't look at the bad side.
Got to look at the good side of things.
Constantly, there's two sides. There's two sides to every story.
You know what I'm saying? Right in here, right through.
Milk of human kindness, Sharon.
Three little words, every once in a while.
Doesn't cost anything.
"I love you."
Oh, shit!
Wrong room.
Our room's not this nice.
- No, Martin! - Oh, hey, it's not what you think.
- Oh, no, Martin, no! - Oh, I know you!
- You're the girl in the painting! - So, you wee harlot.
- No, Martin! - You'll not tup with me?
- You're the one in the painting! - Hey, come here.
- Who is this guy? - Come here to me, you whore.
Great act! Real bruises, too, huh? Wow, that's great.
Hey, Pal, you should have done this earlier.
I think you could have saved the place.
- Where is he? - No, Martin!
- Where is he? - I'm telling you!
- Where is he? - Great outfits.
- Martin, there's no one! - Where is he?
- There's no one! - Where is he?
- There's no one. - Looks real. Looks real.
- Martin, there's no one! - Looks a little rough, but real.
Why don't I believe you?
Oh, this is so disgusting!
Mary?
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die, not with a lie on her lips.
- Oh, God, what have I done? - You killed her.
- Oh, Lord, what have I done? - I told you, you killed her.
Oh, Mary. Oh, Lord, what have I done?
What did you do? What did you do? She's a mess!
There's a trapdoor down here.
Here it is.
- Oh, no... - Oh, no, Martin!
So, you wee harlot.
No, Martin, no!
Don't...
You won't tup with me, huh? Then you'll tup with no one.
The party's over, all right? The party's over.
Take your hands off the girl or you're gonna be...
Okay, pal.
- Quick, he's quick... - Mary!
- No, Martin! - Where is he?
- Martin, there's no one! - Where is he?
- Martin! Martin, there's no one! - Where is he?
What are you doing? She's a beautiful woman!
- I swear to do, I will kill you now! - That's a beautiful girl!
- Why don't I believe you? - Hey, hey, not again!
I'm hit.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Breath...
- Dirty rotten... - Mary?
- He missed... He missed me.
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die, not with a lie on her lips.
Oh, Lord, what have I done? Oh, Lord, what have I done?
What have I done?
- Oh, Mary. - Who are you guys?
- Oh, Mary. - I'm Mary Plunkett.
- Wait a minute. - What have I done?
Wait a minute.
This is an act.
This is an act, right?
How can I thank you?
For what?
For your selflessness.
I... I didn't do... I don't...
How can I thank you?
You are so beautiful.
How can I thank you?
Thank you.
- Don't go. Why do you have to go? - Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't feel good.
Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.
I got to know.
Did you...
Did you ever love me?
Let's see if those pills really work.
Yeah.
You've had a good life.
Oh, God.
You...
You're...
Good morning, darling.
Good morning, Lavinia.
Well, our son is an idiot.
We've known that for years, haven't we, darling?
Well, this time he has surpassed himself.
- The ghosts are furious! - Why?
Well, they've heard that that Jim Brogan fellow...
- is going to move the castle to Malibu. - How nice.
All that sunshine and all those movie stars.
No respectable ghost would live in California.
Besides, they're Irish. What would they do there?
Oh, if only I hadn't died, none of this would ever have happened.
Well, you did die, didn't you, darling?
So what are we going to do about it?
Out of my hands. They won't listen to me.
They're going to give those Americans exactly what they came here for.
Serve 'em right.
I'm dead.
So this is what it feels like.
Like a hangover.
Peter.
Peter, wake up. Wake up.
- The Yanks are leaving. - Really?
As long as I'm dead, I might as well tell you.
You've got all the warmth of a penguin on an iceberg.
Yeah.
You're a dwarf.
Yeah, you better clean those choppers real good...
so they can chew up the next jerk who comes along, huh?
I'm not dead?
No, but if I were you, I wouldn't make any long-range plans.
Great, Jack. Now I've got a massive migraine coming on.
My B-complex level is rock bottom.
Sharon, let me see that. Let me see...
Sharon, I think...
Get packed, Jack.
Sharon, you took the Valium.
Wrong pills?
- What'd you have for your breakfast, little boy? - Some damn fish.
That was a nice change.
I said this place is a nightmare, Daddy!
Of course I sound strange, I'm depressed.
Everybody hates me.
And last night Jack slept on the floor...
and when he woke up, he said he was dead.
And that I was a dwarf and that I had buckteeth.
And you know how self-conscious I am about those things.
This is all your fault! I hate this place.
Mrs. Crawford, are you all right?
Do you think that I'm colder than a penguin on an iceberg?
Oh, well, no. No.
You see, actually, penguins are a lot warmer than people give them credit for.
How dare you?
Jack!
I didn't... Don't tell my wife.
Jack!
- I mean, not that I did anything, anyway. - Jack, we're going!
Do you hear me, Sharon?
Sharon, get on this phone!
- Jack! - Sharon!
Will you talk to me, Sharon?
You're real.
I mean, you're not.
You're a real ghost.
Jack!
I have to thank you for what you did last night.
It was nothing. What did I do?
You gave me my first moment of peace in near 200 years.
I'll be in your debt for eternity, sir.
It was nothing. It was nothing. And you don't have to call me "sir".
What can I call you?
Jack...
Jack.
Thank you, Sir Jack.
It's on me, okay?
- Lovely dress. - My wedding dress.
Today is my wedding day.
- Tonight, he'll murder me. - You get murdered every night?
Every night until last night.
What about tonight?
That depends on you.
Why me?
Your love broke the chain, crossed the boundary.
Oh, my God! Hold on! You can't depend on me!
Nobody can depend on me. My wife would never understand. I...
- 'Twasn't love, then. - Well, Mary, we hardly know each other.
Jack!
Okay!
- Look, I've got to go! - Don't go, Jack!
I gotta... I just... I... Look...
You want to forget me.
I don't know what I want! I just don't! I...
Jack!
What...?
What the heck...?
Jack!
He's flying! Look at him!
Jesus Christ, it got windy!
Oh, so all the snakes weren't driven out of Ireland.
- What? - The snakes...
"To die, to sleep, no more.
And by a sleep to say we end the heartache..."
Peter! Peter! They've changed their minds. They're staying!
There is a God.
Hi.
Would your name conceivably be Jack?
Yeah.
Welcome back, dear guests!
Let me be the first to apologize for our temperamental Irish weather.
- Shut up, Plunkett! Call us a cab. - Certainly, Mr. Clay. Immediately.
Deepest regrets, the phones are dead.
The storm must have knocked them out.
- I'm going to get all wet. - Which way are we going?
- Let's get inside. - Yes, that's it. Hurry up!
So, we're all together for one more night.
It seems that we're becoming one big happy family.
Oh, sorry, Mr. P.
Plunkett, I would rather walk into town in this suit of armor...
and spend the night in a stable...
than to spend one more second in this hellhole!
- Marge! Children! We're leaving. - Come on, kids.
Malcolm!
Oh, my God!
Malcolm!
Oh, God!
Malcolm, can you hear me?
Oh, please, let him be all right.
Oh, my God.
Plunkett, this is your doing!
- Darling? - Yes, I think we could stay one more night.
Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Bridget, please don't let him marry me.
Please release me.
I don't love Martin.
Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Bridget, please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
- I don't love Martin. - Mary?
- Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Bridget... - Mary?
Please don't let me marry him. Please release me.
Mary.
- Sweet Mother Mary... - Mary!
Sweet Jesus, what happened to you?
- Ran into a little wind. - Oh, dear.
That would be the spirits in the castle.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I'm praying to Saint Bridget to release me from me marriage vows.
Look, this is too psychotic for me!
I mean, look...
I mean, I'm as up for a good nervous breakdown as anybody, really...
but this is too much.
I mean, I get here yesterday, my marriage collapses...
then I save a ghost from being murdered by another ghost.
Now, if you think about it, that makes no sense at all.
Then I fly through the air, hit a tree, and Reynaldo...
the talking horse here, leads me to...
to the most beautiful ghost I've ever seen in my...
Last night, when you took Martin's sword in my stead...
you broke the cursed chain that has bound me for 200 years.
What cursed chain?
Me marriage to Martin Brogan was arranged by me father.
I did not love him.
He had warts and his feet stank.
On my wedding night, I refused to be tupped by him.
- Tupped? - Tupped.
Oh, tupped.
I get it. Go on. Go on. Go on.
He thought I loved another though I did not.
And in a jealous fury, he did me to death.
Now every day for me is the same.
If I get murdered one more time, I'll scream.
- Who'd want to be a ghost? - We are what we are.
So, this Marty stank, huh?
Aye, and he squished.
- He squished? - Squished.
Oh, he squished!
God!
Could you love a man who belched but didn't squish?
I could love you, Sir Jack.
If you loved me, the miracle could happen.
I can't. I can't. I cannot do this. I am married.
- Then, you don't love me. - I didn't say that.
And I am doomed forever.
Even now, Martin dons his garments, sharpens his knife.
Goodbye, Sir Jack.
Look, you're a ghost. I'm an American. It would never work out.
Sweet Mother Mary, Saint Colum...
- I don't want you to get murdered again. - Saint Bridget...
- It's just that my wife... - Please release me.
- Please protect me, Mary. - ...if she found out, she'd murder me!
Oh, Jack, is that you?
God, I don't know what happened to me but I feel zonked.
I've got pains all over my body. Could you rub my back?
Well, go on, Jack. I won't bite.
Oh, Jack, you never did it like that before.
Oh, Saint Patrick.
Oh, Saint Jude!
Oh, Saint Columcille.
- Oh, Shitehawks McGoldrick! - Jack!
- Sharon? Sharon? - Jack! Jack!
- Honey! What...? What's up? - Jack! Jack!
Honey, honey, honey, what? What is it?
Where have you been? There was a man in my bathtub!
Big giant man, gigantic. And he's rubbing my back and it felt good.
I should have known it wasn't you! He had warts all over his hands...
Oh, yeah, right. He had warts. Yeah, that's Martin.
- Who's Martin? - He's a ghost.
- He's a what? - He's a ghost.
- He murders his wife every night. - Jack...
Other than that, I think he's pretty harmless, sweetheart.
- Get out! Out! - Honey...
- Jack, out! - Sweetheart, look, honey...
- Honey, wait, you don't understand! - Out, out!
Honey, we've got to talk.
Are you okay, honey?
Do I look okay?
Not really.
What are you doing?
Have to check this place out.
Something smells very wrong here.
Yes, it does. It smells like burnt rubber.
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
To right. Right to left. Left to right. Right to left.
- Do you believe this? - Only four channels!
- The cables must be unplugged. - There's no cable. This is it.
- I tell you, this place sucks the big one. - So, fingers together...
Wendy!
Left to right. Right to left.
You horrible little children!
Eternity's a big commitment. You know, it's a long time.
You gotta take things one step at a time. That's the key.
You do love her, don't you?
Yeah, I guess I do. I don't know, I...
What's the problem, then?
She's a ghost! She's dead. I'm alive.
- How do you know all this? - I'm married to one.
Won't you join us... for a drink?
Yeah, I could use a drink. Yeah, sure.
Oh, dear Lord...
I do beseech thee to help me in this, my hour of need.
Oh, cleanse me of these impure thoughts I have for this woman, Miranda.
Come on!
Oh, Lord! I get the message!
Brother Tony?
Brother Tony, are you all right?
Brother Tony?
Brother Tony, what are you doing in the pool?
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
True love can move mountains.
Yeah, but it can't bring the dead back to life.
Oh, yes, it can. On Allhallow's Eve.
- Halloween? That's tomorrow night. - Yes.
When the spirit moves and the flesh is willing...
and the juices flow and the skelping is mighty.
- What's "skelping"? - It's a ghost term.
But it's dangerous. You mustn't go too far.
What do you mean?
Oh, it's you.
- Whom were you expecting? - Come on, Mr. Plunkett.
Those fake ghosts were one thing. This is entirely different, isn't it?
- Is there something wrong with your rooms? - Something wrong with our rooms?
- What are you talking about, ghosts? - Well, the brochure did...
Damn the brochure! We're talking real, live spirits here!
- How do you explain this? - The weather.
Oh, come off it, will you?
Don't you understand? He wants us here.
He knows it's the only way he can keep this dump.
I don't know about the rest of you but, Plunkett, you haven't fooled me at all.
- I... I've been fooled. - Oh, me, too.
- I've been very fooled. - Explain this to me.
"A ghost may not tup with a human."
So, this means a ghost cannot make love with a human being.
Oh, my God!
Mary?
Who's Mary?
- Oh, she... - Who's this Mary?
She's a woman. She's a ghost.
- Jack, don't start this ghost stuff again. - No, she's a woman ghost.
- She's someone I care about and... - What?
It's funny how you can care... I think I'm falling...
Jack, don't stand there and tell me that you're having an affair with a goddamn ghost.
- Wait a minute, give me a chance! - No, that's it! Your lawyer, my lawyer!
And I hope the ghost has a lawyer because I want to meet him!
- Here she is, this is Mary. - No, Martin!
- This is Mary, Mary the ghost. - So, you wee harlot!
- No, Martin, no! - Not tup with me, eh?
- That's Martin. - That's the man that was in my bathtub.
That's Martin the ghost.
Yeah, and see, he's gonna come over, he's gonna throw her on the bed here.
- He's gigantic. - That's Martin the ghost.
They're having problems in their relationship.
No, Jack, we're having problems in our relationship.
- Come here! - Honey, you got to see this.
- Come on. - He's gonna run after her.
- Just come over here for a second. - Where is he? Where is he?
Martin, there's no one! There's no one!
Oh, yes, there is, my husband. There's my husband!
Martin, there's no one!
- Why don't I believe you? - Believe this!
Honey, honey, you can't just kick a ghost.
- Did you see that? - Oh, now look what you did.
Mary. Mary. Wait. Wait, Mary.
- I love you. - I know that.
You do?
When did you know that?
The minute I saw you.
The minute I knew I loved you.
But your love must be true.
- It is. - Silt must withstand all obstacles.
It will. It will.
Oh, Mary, my darling.
What have I done to you? What have I done?
That was a dirty trick, wasn't it, hey?
Hey? Kicking me right in the bahookies.
Well, you were gonna stab your wife with a sword, you pig!
Sure, that's no big thing. I do it every night.
And I suppose watching other men's wives in the bathtub is no big deal, either.
Sure, it's a grand thing if the wife happens to be you.
- You dirty peeping Tom. - My name is not Tom, it's Martin!
Oh, Mary.
Oh, Mary, I'm sorry, darling.
What have I done to you?
What have I done?
Oh, God. Oh, God. Here, give us a wee skelp before I vanish.
No, no, no, not again.
Jeez, you're a way wee vixen, aren't you?
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Oh, God, what a woman!
You're not so bad yourself.
- What's skelping? - Skelping?
This is skelping.
- That's nasty. - 'Twasn't nice?
Oh, it was nice.
It was very, very, very, very nice.
Hold on, Mary. Wait a minute.
You can't just skelp me and leave me.
Can't help it. Skelping takes a lot out of you.
Look, Mary, I...
I'll be in the chamber, midnight tomorrow.
Mary.
So, what's wrong with them, eh?
What's wrong with these Americans?
One night they're desperate to leave, the next night you can't get rid of them.
One day they hate the whiting, the next day they have to have all five courses.
When you break your back to give them the ghosts you thought they wanted...
they scream at you.
And when you throw the towel in, they scream even louder.
They see spooks everywhere.
Spooks in the bathroom, spooks under the bed.
Don't they know when the joke is over?
How they cower at nothing.
What is going on here?
Eamon, why are chunks of masonry floating about?
Mr...
Mr. Plunkett...
I think there's some people want to have a word with you.
Who?
Grand Uncle Peter and Grand Aunt Nan.
Granny Joyce and her sister.
- Half-sister. - Her half-sister.
- Not to mention... - Oh, no. No, no.
- Your daddy. - But he's dead!
I know.
He looks terrible angry, too.
And I've a perfect right to be...
considering what you have done to our ancestral home!
Father!
Let us in! Let us in!
Do you really think you could get away from me?
Leave me alone. You're dead.
Not so dead I can't see what a numbskull you are!
Oh, fine!
Call me names. That's so easy.
- Well, for God's sake, look at you! - What did you have to give me this place for?
You knew I was an incompetent.
All I wanted to be was happily useless.
You made me miserably useless giving me this place.
Staff to run, bills to be paid.
And then dying on me just like that!
Most people give some warning, you know.
Premature senility, angina, gout, bedridden for years.
But not you. Oh, no, no, no. Healthy as an old goat...
you pop off one day in the orchard, and what then?
Not a goddamn word, not a whisper.
Did it never occur to you that I might need some advice?
That I might miss you?
Oh, Peter, I never thought that...
It's true, you old ghost.
I missed you, Daddy.
Give your daddy a hug.
Oh. Sorry, Peter.
They will be back tonight. It is Allhallow's Eve.
So, if you see anything, just ignore it, ignore it completely.
Just pretend that it didn't happen. Have you got that?
I don't hear anything. Do you?
No. No.
Don't you just love whiting?
Madam.
Madam, for you I've missed my wedding for the first time in years.
That's how much I want you.
Actually, I know I'm a ghost and a murderer, but forget about all that.
Listen, tonight's Allhallow's Eve...
the one night in the year that I turn to flesh.
So, what do you say to a wee bit of skelping, eh?
Come on.
At least tell me your name.
Wow!
Oh, lady, I've got the best bahookies from here to Ballinderry.
Come on, what do you say? Let's give it a twirl, eh?
- Drop dead. - Oh, God, what a woman!
"He who tups with the spirit finds only the grave.
But the virtuous heart true love will save."
"He who tups with the spirit finds only the grave.
But the virtuous heart true love will save."
A whiskey over here, please. A whiskey.
Forget that. Relax, everybody. Take it easy.
They won't come into a bar, would they? They don't drink whiskey.
- Who? - Spirits.
How the hell would I know?
- The Irish ones do. - He says the Irish ones do.
- Don't. - Now, what, do they or don't they?
- You don't shagging know, do you? - Look! Look!
It may be no more than a local disturbance in the extra-planar ether.
- Ether, me bollocks. - A supernatural belch, you know what I mean?
- Dad! - Dad!
Davey, drinks all around!
- What's that? - Ignore it! No!
- Where's your ectoplism now? - What?
- Now, what in the name of God is that? - Look, Dad, it's a submarine!
- Look, it's moving! - What is that?
Well, what's the shagging thing on top of it?
It's a giant squid!
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil."
Mom!
Woody!
"Thy rod and thy staff, they will comfort me."
Woody!
- Woody! - Save the child!
Woody!
Hold on!
Woody, hold on!
Heave!
Woody!
Mom! Mom! Mom!
Mom!
- Mom! - Look! Hey, look! Oh, look.
She's moving on!
Be moving on.
It's a bloody good thing we ignored it, huh?
Hello.
Oh, God, you're real!
- Having fun? - Fun?
- It's gotten totally out of control here! - I'm afraid I've been with my family.
Is the roof leaking?
- You have no idea what it was like. - It was worse than flying, sir.
No.
- Did we just tup? - No, but it's not too far off.
Right. Right.
Hey, how about some champagne, huh?
A little champagne to get our mind off the old you-know-what.
All right?
Oh, I usually mess this up.
"Drink to me only with thine eyes and I will pledge with mine
Or leave a kiss within the cup and I'll not ask for wine"
That was so beautiful.
- Who wrote it? - Ben Jonson.
Oh, Ben Jonson.
You know, whenever I hear Ben's material...
it just makes me think about you-know-what.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I apologize.
- Quote me something. - Quote?
- Anything. To keep our minds off... - You-know-what.
Right. A quote.
"There ain't nothing in the world like a big-eyed girl
To make me act so funny Make me spend my money
Makes me feel real loose like a long-necked goose
"Oh, baby, that's what I like"
That's so...
- Who wrote that? - The Big Bopper.
Maybe you know him. He's dead, too.
Are you sure they're gone?
- Everyone, stay behind me. - What?
- Stay behind him. - We have to check this place out.
- Never seen a parapsychologist at work before. - Every inch of it.
- The castle, grounds... - It's kind of scary down...
Quiet!
I doubt it will work with the Plunkett ancestors.
- Got to try. Check outside. - They're rather unapproachable.
Go on in.
Quiet.
- Oh, Sir Jack, I'm in me cups. - No.
It's nothing. I'm really drunk.
- No, we mustn't. - Right.
- We should just be friends. - Yeah.
Go!
Halt!
- Go! - How beautiful the night looks!
I'm having the time of my life!
Keep it down...
Isn't it beautiful?
Not as beautiful as you.
Will you hold it down and listen to the paracyclist?
I formally declare this a spirit-free zone!
- Now, I'm not tupping. - No.
I'm not tupping, right?
I mean, this is somewhere between a skelp and a tup, right?
Holy God, that's my shagging bus!
- This shouldn't be happening. - Not again.
Somebody's blowing it here. Where's Jack?
Sharon.
My darling, Sharon!
- No, Jack. - Okay.
- We mustn't. - Okay.
- I can't. - You can't?
- It's not right. - I know, I know.
- Oh, that's nice. - Yeah?
Yeah.
I mean, no. Stop.
- Stop. - Oh, don't listen to me, Jack.
- Go on. - Go on?
Sharon, I love thee!
And tonight's bahookie night!
Oh, Sharon, I love thee!
No, Jack. Remember our promise?
Remember? We can't.
A little to the right.
Come here, my wee beauty. Come here to me!
Where are you?
Oh, Sharon. Wait! Wait! Wait!
- I love you, Jack. - I love you, Mary.
Actually, you look very like my mother.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Oh, Lord, please save this beautiful creature from these demons.
If a life must be taken, take mine. Take mine.
- Take... Yes. - Oh, no.
"Yea, though I walk through...
- the valley of the shadow of death." - Brother Tony!
- Goodbye, my love. - Where are you going?
- "I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me." - Don't leave me here, Tony!
My God, Jack, we shouldn't have.
Mary, that was something.
Where are you? Sharon, this isn't a joke anymore.
Shitehawks McGoldrick Quinn!
Mary, what's happened?
It's the powers, Jack. I'm 200 years old.
Oh, Jack...
Jack...
"He who tups with the spirit tups with the grave."
- Jack, don't leave me, Jack. - Mary.
Help me!
Oh, Jack!
Jack.
Jack, you just tell me you love me.
- Make it all right. - But you're not Mary. You're a corpse!
- Jack! - Now, don't do this to me, darling!
No! Get away from me!
- Jack! - Oh, bollocks!
Holy Jesus!
- Hi, Marty. - Where's the wife?
- Not mine, you dolt, yours! - Jack...
I'm being followed by a UFO!
- Honey, it was... - Sharon! Sharon! You can't get so excited!
- I didn't know what was going on! - Excited?
- I mean, obviously... - Come here to me, you wee tupter!
Hiya, Mary. We're just playing around, darling, you know?
Jack?
You threw me over for this? This...
I mean, I knew you liked passive women, Jack, but she's half-dead.
I hope she has a great personality because this hurts.
- Well, look, at least she said she loved me. - This really hurts.
- That's a lot more than you ever did. - I do love you, Jack. I do.
You wee harlot, I'll kill you.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! - I'll kill you!
No, she looks dead enough already. Don't start that! Please don't start that!
It's all right, Sharon.
- Oh, Jack, your wife's some woman. - So is yours.
So was yours.
- Oh, Sharon. - Oh, Martin.
Where are you going?
Jack.
Jack, I was just kidding.
You were made for each other...
- and you look great, you really do. - It's bahookie time.
Jack...
Bye, Mary. Sorry for the last 200 years, darling.
Jack, you said you'd love me forever.
I know. I know. I know, Mary, I just...
You were... You were so different then.
Only on the outside, Jack.
Inside, I'm the same.
I know. I know looks aren't everything.
- I'm in here, Jack. - It's just that they can help so much...
- when you... - Jack, kiss me.
Kiss you?
- Maybe we should get some moisturizer. - Kiss me, Jack.
Or some medical supervision or something.
Please, Jack.
Stop, let me catch my breath. Martin, where are you?
Martin, wait! Don't go!
- Sharon! Sharon! - How the hell did you get up there?
No, no! Don't go, Martin! No, wait! Wait!
Sharon!
I'm in here, love!
Martin, where are you?
- Oh, Martin. - Oh, Sharon.
- You do love me, don't you? - Oh, yes.
- You do love me, Sir Jack? - Yeah.
Then look at me.
Well, then, be with me, be with me forever.
Any way you want it.
Sharon?
Mary. Mary!
Sharon...
Sharon.
Oh, Sharon... Oh, Sharon.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, what have I... What have I done?
You weren't meant for this. I don't want this to happen.
Oh, God...
Sharon...
Forever, Jack.
- You're alive. - Aye.
- What do you mean I'm dead? - Now, take my word for it.
Oh, you're just saying that so you can have your wicked way with me.
Sure, if you weren't dead, I wouldn't be able to have my way with you.
This is ridiculous.
You can't hide from me. I can find you.
- You can't fool me. - They're gone.
- Here, file that. - Malcolm!
- They're gone! - They're not gone.
Brother Tony, you forgot your collar.
No, he didn't. He threw it away. Didn't you, baby?
I'm only human.
Mr. Plunkett, single-handedly the worst vacation that I've ever experienced in my life.
- Thank you, Mr. Clay. - However, I'll recommend Castle Plunkett...
as the most haunted castle in the Western Hemisphere.
I hope that helps you with your business.
- You're too kind. - I second that.
Most gracious.
- Bye! - See you!
They're gone, dear.
Come on, Eamon. I'll make you a nice fish sandwich.
I cannot thank you enough, Sir Jack, for deciding to stay.
Oh, hey, where am I gonna go, right?
And listen, Mary, when are you gonna stop calling me "sir"?
Sorry, I can't help it.
Well, maybe when you decide to marry me.
Are you asking?
Well, my wife's hardly dead, and it was such a horrible death.
Maybe we could wait a couple of centuries or...
- Oh, God. - Hey! Hey! Hey!
We booked the hall till 12:00. How about a little privacy?
The day is for the living, Jack.
The night is for the dead.
- How's the corpse? - Pretty good.
- How's the psycho? - Pussycat.
- So, was the trip worth it, Jack? - Yeah. Yeah.
She thinks I'm brilliant.
Well, Mary, you put on a wee bit of flesh since I last saw you.
I'm not getting stabbed every night anymore.
- Mary, it hurt me more than it hurt you. - Go on now with it.
So, how's the Yank?
- He takes me shopping. - Come here to me.
My love. My reason for dying.
How'd she ever learn to dance like that?
Happiness, Sir Jack.
Yeah. Happiness.
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