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They're fighting again!
Oh, boy.
Don't! Wait! Not my homework!
No! Stop it! No!
Problem, gentlemen?
Hey, dork-brain!
If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.
Yeah? If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off.
- You call me a girl? - You called me one!
Oh, you asked for it.
Now, get outta here!
Forget those guys.
They're just jealous cause you're smart and funny.
- And... girls like that. - What girls?
Lots o' girls.
I mean... I like you.
Well, I don't like you.
Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me.
You are a dork-brain.
My nose!
Wimp!
Moe and Larry in the house.
Grant, what have we got out back?
All clear here, sir.
Matthews, what do you got?
Returnable cans, sir.
Think I'm up to 75 cents.
Hey, hey, hey, we got a cab.
Here comes Curly.
Yep, the Three Stooges.
- Check it out. Ivan's packin'. - Uh-huh.
Yeah. Thank you! We've got a briefcase.
Hart, waiting for visual confirmation.
No disc yet.
Case is opening...
Ah, Jesus! Woman's ass is in the way.
Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing.
We need to see the discs.
This broad's got two asses! Hart, do something!
- Excuse me. - Da...
- You vanting something else? - Yeah. Uh... You know what?
I... You know, I really love this borscht.
Or, as they say in Russian:
All right, Hart. We got the discs.
We're movin' in!
FBI! Get down on the ground! Now! Get down!
- Get down on the ground! - Do it!
Keep your hands where I can see 'em!
No English.
Hart! Nobody moves until I see some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!
- Sir, he's turning purple! - Hart... until we secure, you stay.
- Sir. - Hart!
Sir, that is one really, really,purple Russian, sir!
He is still armed! Nobody moves!
Hands up! Back off! Back off!
- No, sir. He's not gonna die like this. - Hart!
He's not good enough for that.
His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?
That's right.
Now you're goin' down.
Drop the guns... or I'll kill 'er.
Ivan, out the back.
You're not killing anyone, you peanut-eating bastards.
Step back!
Get back! Move it! Move it!
Party's over, boys.
How's your head, my little piroshki?
This is gonna put you away for a long time. You know that?
Let's get that ambulance in here!
Shut up!
- Stay with me, all right? - I'm sorry.
Listen. Don't be sorry. You did a great job!
Nice work. See you back there, okay?
You got it.
Come on, Hart. The van's waitin'.
I got Grant shot. I shouldn't have moved.
Come on, you made a choice.
It was wrong, but that's it. It's over.
By the way, you look like hell.
Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie.
Good morning, Gracie.
Hart.
Yes, sir.
Sir, yes, sir. ETA, 20 minutes.
No problem. Uh... Breakdown?
Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Uh, negative. Do not need assistance.
Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot.
Hey, you cannot park...
Sorry. Sorry. It's an emergency. Official business.
Ma'am, aside, please. Aside, please. Thank you.
Official business, sir, ma'am. Emergency. Please, step aside, sir.
Hey, hey, hey, get lost! I'm waiting here, uh?
FBI. You might wanna stay out of this, all right, sir?
Excuse me, sir, ma'am. Please, back off.
All right. I need eight double-tall...
Eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam.
Five ice 20 decaf percent lattes with a long straw.
Four caramel macchiattos.
Double up on the cup. I got a long way to go.
I need two blueberry scones with the little granules on top
and one Starbucks compilation CD.
- No! I would like... - Oh, jeez.
So, uh, what's goin' on? Where's, uh... where's McDonald?
Forget about McDonald. Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino?
It's in the bag.
So, uh, have you heard anything about last night? Did he say anything?
Look, just relax, all right?
Don't annoy 'im. Don't say anything. Don't argue.
I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue?
I might... have a heated discussion with somebody
when I might get very passionate about what I say, but...
Is this you not arguin'? Cause you suck at it.
Morning, everybody.
Morning, sir.
Morning, sir. It's, uh...
Uh, sir.
Okay, everybody.
I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition.
So I'm happy to report...
Jerry's gonna be fine.
He'll be out of the hospital in two weeks.
He says he's expecting lots of gifts.
Okay, okay, everybody.
So much for the good news. We got another letter from the Citizen.
Arson, explosives, poison...
this guy never works the same way twice.
The only thing we know for sure...
is we get these letters full of incomprehensible riddles
and then he strikes and suddenly the clues make sense.
This one is down in Intelligence.
Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed.
In the meantime,
Matthews, get a team together.
Sir. You want me to take point?
For five years you've been talkin' about runnin' an op.
Last night, you earned it.
Pick your team. I want preliminaries by 3. That's it.
Sir...?
Sir?
All right, so, who's buyin' me lunch?
Sir. I-I would really like to talk to you about what happened last night.
I-I realize I didn't exactly follow orders...
"Exactly" follow orders? There's no such thing.
You follow orders or you don't follow orders.
No arguments, sir. None... none whatsoever.
There'll be a hearing in two weeks. Until then, you're out of the field.
Sir, yes, sir. I expect that the hearing is totally warranted,
but wouldn't my time be better served working on the Citizen case?
I've a very strong background in profiling and decoding.
- Forget it. - I really think I could contribute.
Like you contributed last night?
By putting yourself and five other agents in jeopardy?
I'm gonna save the rest for the review board.
And you are gonna bury yourself under a mountain of paperwork.
- Sir... - Discussion is over.
Hey, Mike! Gimme a pint.
- Rough day, huh? - The worst.
- Sure you want a whole one? - Oh, yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.
Hey, Einstein.
Listen. If you figure out that Citizen letter, let me know, mm?
Hey... Congratulations on the op. It's a... big shot.
Yeah. Thanks.
So, how you doin', huh? You okay?
Yeah. I'm good.
Thank you.
- Hm, you're startin' early today, no? - Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.
Wanna join me?
Love to, but I got a pressing social engagement.
- Hey, Beth! - Mm, brownie meeting.
- Hey, Mike, gimme a beer and, uh... - Oh, uh...
Milk. Give her milk.
White wine spritzer.
So... Are most of the people in here agents?
Yeah. As a matter of fact, here's an agent right here. Gracie Hart.
Beth Carter.
Wow!
- Right back to you. - Beth is an undergrad at Vassar.
She's doing a paper on law enforcement...
I'm gonna help her get an inside look.
And I bet she'll do the same for you.
You know, Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view.
Oh, no, no, no, Beth. You're barking up the wrong tree.
Right, Hart?
Do all the women in the Bureau
have to wear those really masculine shoes?
Oh... No. I get these made special
by the same guy that put the tattoo on my ass.
Listen, we're gonna leave you alone with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later, Hart.
- Yeah, it was nice meeting you. - You too.
You too.
Hope you have a good time at the mall.
I'm tellin' you guys, Wohop is the place.
Yeah, Wohop is good,
but if you like a little variety, you go to La Chinita Linda, amica.
- Exactly. Their rice and beans are slammin'. - I don't want variety.
I get pork fried rice every...
I got it! I figured it out!
I tried to create a content-based pattern that was similar to his previous letters,
but this time, he was using a signifier.
In this case, the-the south fifth of the word "miss"
in the... in the subsequent letters...
Look, will you let me finish?
- It's the Miss United States Pageant. - Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.
What?
All right. So, what do we got?
Miss United States Pageant from San Antonio, Texas,
home of the Alamo.
I forgot the Alamo.
Yeah, the pageant lasts three days.
You got preliminaries, press conferences, the telecast...
With those out live, it's a logistical nightmare.
Not just a babe fest.
- Oh, yeah. - Jesus, we only got 48 hours.
Okay, okay, gentlemen.
Where do we start?
I got a cousin in Texas.
Well, you might wanna... call the, uh, network and the pageant people. Set up a meeting.
Cause you'll probably need their cooperation at some point.
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that.
What about jurisdiction?
The Citizen has been our territory from the start.
That's should be no problem.
But, what you might wannna do is call up the San Antonio office,
grease some wheels so they don't feel we're takin' over their turf, you know,
when we need manpower and tech support.
Yeah, while I'm at it, let's do that.
Good idea.
And the Citizen nut loves to make a splash.
So, his target will probably be public,
like one of these outdoor prelims, maybe even a TV broadcast.
Telecasters at the convention center.
That means we're gonna need all kinds of surveillance on the interior perimeter.
No, we're gonna need a lot more than that,
because it's about a million places only these bikini-stuffers can go,
like... backstage areas, hotel rooms, things like that.
I think we need to get somebody in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Now I'm thinkin'...
- undercover. - Good idea, boss.
And I got just the girl.
- Huh? Huh? - All right.
That's nothing. Check this out.
Compliments of my daughter. The "Dress Up Sally" web site.
Yeah! See, what did I tell you? Hot, right?
- Yeah, baby. - Very nice.
- Uh... You got a little problem. - What? She's perfect!
Look to the left.
Down... down... down...
- There you go. - "On maternity leave"?
- That's not gonna work. - Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant".
Let me ask you something. Can you do a search?
Female field agents under 35...
Oh, Jensen, Jensen!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got it, I got it! I got it!
- Oh, no! - That's right, that's right.
Uh, you think that's good? Check this out.
There's a new broad here.
I got the winner right here.
Scorekeepers ready?
This is the best part, right here.
Here we go.
- He's right behind me, isn't 'e? - Not really my color, is it?
Sir, we were just, uh...
we were just lookin' for someone to go undercover at the pageant.
And I'm the best we have. It doesn't inspire much confidence.
Get back to work. And, Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk?
Yes, sir.
What's the matter with you, people?
He's standin' right behind me, you don't say anything?
Made me look like an idiot.
Do I have eyes in the back of my head where I can see this thing?
He was standing right behind me.
- What about this one? - What were we gonna say?
- What? - This one.
What, are you kiddin'? It's Hart.
Oh, come on, cut it off. Let's go back to work.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hey... - Okay, very funny.
No. Hold on a second. Hart, that's not bad.
Hold on, nothing.
You know, you might wanna hit the save button, cause you're never gonna see that again. All right?
- Oh, come on. - Take it off.
- What do you say, Hart? - No freaking way.
Come on, Harty. Why not?
Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit
like some air-head bimbo that...
goes by the name of, what, Gracie Lou Freebush
and all she wants is... world peace?
It wouldn't be like that.
Come on, you'd be an important member on the undercover team.
- Yeah, right. In a thong. - Hey!
In a tasteful one-piece!
Come on, look, you do a few butt-shaping exercises,
you tighten this stuff... you could pull this off.
You know what? Pull this off.
What is it? Because McDonald hates me?
- He doesn't hate you. - Or is it, like, a woman thing?
Don't kid yourself. Nobody thinks o' you that way.
He's punishin' me, ain't he?
Listen, I had to beg him to let you do this.
- What?! - Yeah, that's right.
Like it or not, you screwed up, pal.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
This may come as a shock to you, but I've never been in a beauty pageant before.
I don't even own a dress. I don't even own a brush.
Ow, Jesus. Oh.
Which part of that is supposed to shock me?
Let's suspend reality for, like, a second and pretend, like, I said yes.
I gotta do, like, everything?
Like the whole... the whole big hair and the... makeup and, uh...
Damn right.
The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...
the cute little tap number...
All right. A hundred bucks on Matthews.
I don't know, man. She's got a lot o' rage.
I'll take that bet.
That's right, baby. That's right.
Yeah, baby.
So you're sayin'... I have to wear the bathing suit.
Yeah, you have to wear the bathing suit.
Okay.
You go, girl.
- Where am I gonna put my gun? - No place I wanna know about.
Ugh... What could possibly motivate anybody to enter a beauty pageant is beyond me.
Scholarship money, a chance to see the world,
broaden your horizons, meet new people....
So join the Marines.
It's like feminism never even happened, you know?
I think any woman to do this
is catering to some misogynistic Neanderthal mentality.
I dated the Young Miss Scarsdale last month.
Oh, God. Can you really be this superficial?
Hard to believe, right?
All right, here we are.
Therefore, we'd like to use one of our team undercover.
I'm not sure I'm hearing this correctly.
Kathy, th-th-these people wanna put one of their agents...
in the pageant.
- They want her to win? - Oh, no, ma'am. Uh...
But we will need your help with the judging,
to make sure that one of our agents gets in the top five...
That way, they have access to all the areas on the stage at all times...
Absolutely not.
Miss Morningside, we understand how important this, uh, beauty pageant is to you and...
Excuse me.
This is not a beauty pageant. This is a scholarship program.
And it has been ever since my reign.
And I fully intend on maintaining that credo.
Absolutely, Miss Morningside. We're here to protect the girls or... women... the... scholarship ladies.
There's nothing more important to me than the safety of my girls.
I'd rather cancel the pageant than have one of them blown up.
Especially without their knowledge.
But we went to the network to have them cancel the pageant,
but they refused. We can't force 'em.
I'm confused. What state is she going to be from?
All the winners have already been chosen.
Don't worry about that, Mr. Fields.
We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.
And her performance in a little film called "Arma-Get-It-On".
- Was that her? - Oh, yeah.
So she was probably gonna drop out pretty soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Well... Do you... have an agent in mind?
Sorry.
Let me get you... Victor Melling's number.
Frank. He's our pageant consultant.
Frank.
Maybe... he can do something to help.
- Frank! - Oh! Uh, just one minute.
This is my assistant, Frank Tobin.
Hi, everyone.
Would you... would you get these people Victor Melling's number, please?
And get me a spring water. And, for God's sake, tuck in your shirt.
That wa... that was, uh... a water for you...
and, uh...
Victor Melling's number.
Thank you.
Mr. Melling...
How are you?
If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now.
Yeah, it's, uh... I'm having a bad hair day.
Bad hair decade, really.
Mr. Melling, I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke on the phone.
Your hair is... perfect. However, I can't accept this job.
There's no way on earth that I can make this woman ready in two days.
Please, Mr. Melling, give it a chance, uh? Sit down.
Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau.
Yes, I... I suppose that would be the civilized thing to do.
Actually, I'm gonna take a rain check.
I got a lot o'... FBI stuff
- ... I gotta take care of. - What're you gotta do?
- That thing that I told you... - What thing?
- That thing I told you about that I gotta do. - You didn't say anything.
But, listen, I'll see you later. We'll hang out.
You like caps?
- What's the matter? - Excuse me.
I'll get you an official FBI cap, all right?
See you later. Be good.
- Well, what a pity. - Oh, yeah.
- Are you hungry? - Yeah.
- "Yes". - Yeah.
It is always "yes", never "yeah". Sit down.
Miss United States is always well-spoken and polite.
- Do you understand? - Hey, hey, hey, hey. Watch the hands, garcon.
- Excuse me, madam. - It's all right, Philip.
I have a feeling that we're going to need a drop cloth later.
Philip, could I have another cabernet sauvignon, please?
- Another keg for you? - I'm good, thanks.
That's okay, Philip.
So, how long have you been doing this pageant-training thing?
I'm sorry? What-what was the question?
I was distracted by the half-masticated cow
rolling around in your wide-open trap.
Excuse me? What is your problem?
- Problem? - Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean...
Have I offended you in some way? Because, quite frankly,
you've been completely antagonistic to me since the second I walked in that door.
Did you know that I was once the most sought-after, highly paid consultant in pageant history?
I had no idea.
Every season, girls would plead with me to train them.
Ten out of eleven years...
my girls were crowned.
The year we lost...
the winner was a deaf-mute.
You can't beat that.
Then...
in '96...
my girl froze like a puddle halfway through her aria from "La Boheme".
Afterwards, she told a reporter from "Pageant Magazine"
that I was a crazed perfectionist
who had harangued her to within an inch of her sanity.
Of course, after that article, uh, came out...
nobody wanted me.
Okay. With all... due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you then?
Because I am the best.
Or perhaps it's because everyone else worth having had a contestant.
They had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters.
Spunky Western cowgirls...
And I have...
Dirty Harriet.
- Will you desist? - Yeah.
- "Yes". - Yes.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park".
Yeah? Well, you know what? It's been working really well for me for the past 30 years, all right?
- Well, glide. Now, glide. - What?
Gl... Don't-don't look down, don't look down.
Look, don't look down, look up.
Your-your chin should always be parallel to the floor.
Now, glide. Glide.
- It's not the bloody Ice Capades. Glide. - Gliding.
No, no. D-don't pick your feet up. Don't pick your feet up.
- Why are you picking your feet up? - Because I'm preparing to run away.
- No. Wait, wait. Wait. Wait. - What?
Watch me. Watch me. Glide. Glide.
See? Glide.
It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
Roll your hips, roll your hips. Head up, head up!
Keep gliding...
- I'm gliding here! - Hey, what are you, blind?
Asshole.
Look how she walks. She's floating.
Lightly ascending from cloud to cloud...
towards heaven.
And once she gets there and he takes one look at that fake rack,
he's gonna send her right back.
Look, she's gonna cry again. "If I only had a brain!"
I am somewhat less than amused.
So, how is she doin'?
With some intensive work...
she'll be ready for the world's finest trailer park.
Thank you!
Both painful...
and grotesque. Isn't it?
Oh, my God!
Okay, Mr. Vic, we got everything you asked for.
- Where do we start? - Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.
Which one first?
Hey, guys, what teeth are you gonna do to my teeth?
Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
- Can't I get some Novocain? -It's only a cleaning.
I'm talkin' about Sweeney Todd back here. What are you doing?
Your hair should make a statement.
As long as it doesn't say "Thank you very much for the Country Music Award". Ow!
Here, you'll be lucky if I can get it untangled.
- No mercy. - Can I borrow that drill?
Attention. Attention.
All hair removal units, wax,
electrolysis, laser, to commence at 23:00 hours.
- Bikini wax. - Ohh...
Hey, how you doin'?
Did you ever seen one this big? Sandwich, I mean.
Yeah, that's a lot o'f meat.
- Yessss.... - Hey! Hey!
Thank you!
Nobody said this job was easy.
This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies. They can hear you.
Don't need that. With all this foil in my head,
I'm gettin' HBO.
This is a pin camera. There's an actual little lens in there.
It provides a digital video feed to our hookups.
All right. Here's your new IDs. Your pageant identity.
- Gracie Lou Freebush? - Yeah, I remembered you liked that name.
Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.
More... fluffy.
Eyebrows. There should be two.
Another two coats and a sealant.
Unbelievable.
Where the hell is she? What could possibly be taking this long?
Hart, is that you?
I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair,
I haven't slept all night, I'm starved,
and I'm armed. Don't... mess with me. Ooh!
Ooh!
Whoa! I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good.
Oh, yeah, that's her.
- Mr. Vic, nice work! - Thank you.
My God, I'm good.
Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.
"Operation Thong" has commenced.
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
I knew she'd like that one.
Victor?
Try not to speak.
Victor!
Why, Miss Morningside, if it's possible, you look more radiant than ever.
Well, then I guess it's possible.
- Hello. - Hi.
Miss Hart?! I mean... Miss Freebush.
Well, Victor, I see you haven't completely lost your touch.
You look absolutely perfect.
And you're just in time for the orientation breakfast.
Oh, oh, Victor. You'll take the bags to the room?
I-I realize it's been a while since you've been with us,
but... you remember how everything goes, don't you?
One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop.
Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!
Washington? Nice apples.
Original. You come up with that all by yourself?
No.
- Miss Freebush! - I got it. I got it.
New Jersey? Welcome.
- Who's she? - You seen her before?
Oh, hey, New Jersey? This one's empty.
Oh, thank you.
- Thanks. - I'm Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.
Hi, I'm...
- Gracie Lou Freebush - Gracie Lou Freebush.
- Yeah. - I memorized the orientation pamphlet.
I know all 49 ladies by name and picture.
Well, fifty, including myself.
But your picture wasn't there,
so I knew it was you from your lack of picture.
Here we go.
- How about a little song for the drive? - All right.
I think you know the one I mean.
From sea to shining sea
Like Lady Liberty
She reigns over all she sees
She's beauty and she's grace
She's Miss United States...
- Entering Barbietown. - All right, people, we're up and runnin'.
- Ooh, I love my job! - It's not a bad view, uh?
Nah, not at all.
Oh, look, there's our table!
I got here three days early so I could...
- Look at all the hoochie mama! - Hey, Hart! Hart, not the pastry.
Ladies... Ladies, I would like you to meet Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.
- This is Karen Krantz, New York. - What's up, Jersey?
- Mary Jo Wright, Texas. - Hi there.
- Belinda Brown, Tennessee. - Hi.
- I like that! - Ooh, yeah!
- Leslie Davis, California. - Hey, girl.
- And Alana Krewson, Hawaii. - Aloha.
Aloha to you too!
I just want you all to know...
I believe what it says on that sign at the Alamodome.
We are all winners.
Hey, Hart!
You think she's hungry?
The most important thing is that we're gettin' our issues out there for people to hear.
Oh, I know. And it's an honor to have made it this far.
I mean, especially when you come from such a small state...
Oh, that's so true! Us Rhode Islanders...
Um... I wasn't finished. I... Did it sound like I was finished?
I'm sorry. I...
My dears, what are you apologizing to her for?
She's obviously been drinkin' too much Coppertone.
Are you talking to me?
Well, I'm talkin' to you, I'm lookin' at you.
Mm, mm! Question:
In Hawaii, don't you use, um, "Aloha" for, like, hello and goodbye?
So?
So, if you're on the phone with somebody they won't stop talking,
how do you get them off because you say "Okay, take care, aloha",
don't they, like, start all over again?
At least she thinks I'm funny.
Hart! Hart, do you copy?
- What's up? - I don't know. It's not workin'.
- What do you mean, it's not working? - It worked five minutes ago.
Yeah, it was working, we put it together.
Check one... Check one...
Thank you so much. Thank you.
For the past 21 years,
it has been my honor to serve as director of this pageant.
And I know that this year will be our most exciting event ever!
Couple o' geniuses I'm working with. Let's go.
After the rehearsal and a photo shoot,
you'll be able to settle into your rooms.
And then tomorrow, we will begin the preliminaries,
hosted by our master o' ceremonies, an American institution... Stan Fields.
Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy! Oh, thanks!
Let's go! Get it back online!
- We're workin' on it. - We're tryin', boss.
Thank you. Thank you, Kathy. Isn't she... ravishing?!
How does she do it?
All I know is Iwake up every morning, I look in the mirror and I say
"Who is that old man wearin' my pyjamas?"
And... even though I'll be retiring... this year...
Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.
- That's so sad. He's retiring. - Oh, he's not retiring.
I spoke to 'im this mornin', the poor man blurted out the whole thing.
They're firin' him...
goin' for someone newer and younger.
I hope it's Ricky Martin.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ow! Jesus Christ! Ah!
I, uh... Sorry, I, uh...
I-I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray.
Dear Jesus, please forgive me
for... not praying before I had a bite of my bagel and schmeer.
Thank you very much.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Hi! - Hi.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Oh, no, I was just, you know...
I was grooming.
- I made some of my famous hot chocolate. - Oh...
Oh, um... Well, my, uh, roommate's asleep...
or she's... starting to mold.
But, uh... do you wanna come in?
You know, I-I, uh, I asked some o' the other girls,
but as soon as they heard the word "chocolate", they slammed their doors in my face.
- They didn't even gimme a chance to say "non-fat". - Oh, oh!
Well... here's to...
- ... world peace. - World peace.
- Hot. - Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, I-I have to tell you,
I-I thought it was really great how you settled that argument today at orientation.
"Aloha, aloha."
- That's why you're gonna win. - Mm?
You're so clever. You-you should tell jokes for your talent.
What is your talent?
Um, it's, uh... It's kind of, like, uh...
It's, you know, like a... like a surprise.
- Ah... - Yeah. Yeah.
Ah, but don't worry, it's-it's nothing embarrassing, you know.
Not anything like, you know, baton twirling or anything.
So, uh, wha-what's your talent?
Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.
- Twirling... it can be a... a real art. - Yeah.
I-I saw this girl once, a cheerleader doing it at a football game...
And she lit her batons on fire and did this sexy dance...
I wish I could do something like that.
But why can't you?
Oh, my parents don't like anything ostentatious.
And they really don't like fire.
Look, I mean, Cheryl, I... I think you have as good a chance as anybody to win.
I mean, you obviously believe enough in yourself to have gotten this far, right?
- Really? - Yeah.
Well... You're so nice and... so smart and so sensitive.
You're definitely gonna win.
That's it. Excuse me.
I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here.
Sorry, sorry.
Yes.
Not... happening.
What?
You took your earpiece out. Vic needs you.
Now? Eric, I haven't slept in two days!
I'll give you a cookie.
It better be a big one.
You don't walk, you... float. Gently descending, you don't look down...
go back up and do it again. Never, ever look down, okay?
Thighs touching...
- Touching, not clenching. - I'm touching.
There's a gap between your knees and your calves,
your calves and your ankles.
You know, right now there's a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord, all right?
Here. Take these.
- What, no armored car? - That would be in my other dress.
By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent? Sing? Dance?
- Chew with your mouth closed? - I'll do whatever you want me to, Yoda.
Oh, Lord.
Agent Matthews! This woman has no talent!
Vic, you don't gotta shout it out right in front of 'er.
I was not told to provide a talent and I'm certainly not equipped to do so
- ...in the next five hours! - Wait a minute.
What the... what the hell are you talking about?
I am saying that tomorrow she'll be on stage with nothing to do
but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide!
Hey! You also said you couldn't make her beautiful in two days
and look at 'er now. Look how gorgeous she is.
I mean, compared to the car wreck she was before.
My duties are clearly stated in a contract and I have fulfilled them all.
Listen to me. You talent her up by tomorrow morning or...
Are you threatening me?
- Listen to me, you old fruitcake! - How dare you, you... cupcake?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Time-out, time-out, time-out, guys.
There's somethin' I know how to do, all right?
I haven't done it since high school but it's kinda like... ride a bike.
You are not having sex on this stage.
I... I didn't know that was an option, all right?
Look, this thing... I just gotta call room service, right?
Miss Hart.
Please.
Thank you. And the other one.
Thank you.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Happy, you doughnut Nazi?
Did I tell you that Stan Fields was gettin' fired?
I'm on it.
Look, you just concentrate on being Gracie Lou, all right?
Mm-hm.
And by the way, you're doin' a great job.
I thought the evening gown looked...
I mean... I totally bought it.
- I know, you think I'm gorgeous. - What? I don't think you're gorgeous.
You think I'm gor-geous...
You want to kiss me...
- You want to hug me... - Look, I think McDonald is more feminine.
- I'd rather kiss him. - You want to love me...
You want to hug me... You want to smooch me...
You want to...
Hm. Enjoy the rest o' your night.
- Gracie, you look so tired. - Yeah.
Oh, she had a busy night.
I saw that gentleman stop by the room.
- Gentleman? - Uh-huh.
That's not allowed. No men in the room.
Oh, but things are different here on the mainland, Five-O.
Now, hold on, ladies. Let's just hear her side of the story.
Are you sleepin' with a judge?
Oh... th-that guy?
No, no, I-I-I-I-I was dating him for a little while because...
he told me he had an incurable disease.
Yes, yeah.
I-I-I-I didn't realize it was stupidity.
Oh, I know what that's like.
All right.
Yeah. He is such a pathetic loser.
It's, like, I'm sorry he's obsessed with me
but at some point it's, like, "Hello! Move on! Get over yourself!"
I mean, his ego is like this big.
- But his equipment is like this big! - Ohh!
Good cover! Yeah. We worked that out together.
Use that sucker for a needle.
All right, back to work. Get ready for the Alamo. Let's go. Break it up.
Thank you. Thank you.
And welcome to the Miss United States Pageant Preliminary
here at the beautiful and historical Alamo! Yes...
Prepare... for what promises to be
a day of astounding musical, theatrical and dancing talent.
And after I'm finished, you can see the ladies.
Oh, yes!
And now... put it together...
for... Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas!
What's her talent, bartending?
I made it very clear you weren't responsible for making her look credible, Victor.
I wish I could explain...
but there are no words.
Eagle-Eye?
You might wanna check out cowboy at 1 o'clock.
- My 1 o'clock or your 1 o'clock? - Right under the white Stetson.
What Stetson? There's Stetsons everywhere.
He's moving, he's moving...
Oh, he's moving towards the stage. He's definitely shooting. Anybody?
Hold on a minute, we're checkin' it out.
Guys.
Hey, guys, he has a gun. He has a gun.
Who's got the 20 on the shooter?
- I'm takin' 'im out, you guys... - No, wait till we have a visual.
Gun! Gun! Down, down! Everybody down!
Better up to them...
don't you think?
In a very bizarre incident today at the Miss United States Preliminaries,
the contestant from New Jersey leapt off-stage
and tackled a man in the crowd who was just trying to light a cigarette.
Gracie Lou Freebush is her name. She's here with me right now.
Tell me exactly what were you thinking when you jumped off the stage?
Well, as you know, all the contestants are actively involved
in trying to end America's dependence on tobacco.
So, needless to say I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again.
I'm sure we all will.
- Look, he had a gun. - Of course he had a gun.
This is Texas, everybody has a gun.
- My florist has a gun. - I don't have a gun.
- My ancestors were Quakers. - Stan, please!
Look, we're gonna assume that any man with a weapon is a suspect.
Not any more. We got the DNA results.
The envelope from the Citizen... was licked by a woman.
DNA? There's never been any DNA before.
Well, he slipped up. Or I should say "she".
This is preposterous. You people are completely clueless.
I mean, if I ran my pageant like this, we'd be holding it in someone's basement!
Miss Morningside. Every operation is bound to have its screwups.
As far as I can see, she's still with us.
Oh, God!
Gentlemen, could I have a moment alone with Miss Hart, please?
Sure.
Just for a tiny minute. We'll just be a moment. It's... just shop talk.
Hair, gel, mousse.
Look, I-I-I... I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
You know, I've been fighting all my life against your type.
The ones who think we're a bunch of worthless airheads.
You know who I mean.
Feminists, intellectuals... ugly women.
But I refuse to give in to their cynicism.
That's why I have dedicated my entire life to this scholarship program.
And no one's going to ruin that. Not this year.
You get in my way, I will kill you.
- Do you understand? - Uhh, yeah.
- Yes! - Yes.
Frank!
The interview is the single most important part of the pageant.
It accounts for 30% of your total score.
And what's the other 70%, cleavage?
Is this your idea of doin' final preps on the convention center? Come on, let's go!
No, no, no.
Look at this. Liberace's got 'er in a nice evening gown.
And McDonald called.
He saw Hart's little anti-smoking commercial. He's on his way down.
Oh, good, perfect.
Cause I'd hate for 'im to fire me over the phone.
- I can't believe this! - It's gonna be ugly.
No shit.
Look, I gotta do somethin'. I'm gonna go do laps, all right?
Back in fifteen minutes. We'll go over tomorrow's assignments.
You got it.
Hands folded...
ankles crossed.
Neck up! And remember. Smile.
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
- I would so love to hurt you right now. - As long as you... smile.
Now... Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?
Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate?
You know, I-I don't appreciate your selfishness and immaturity
when I'm working as hard as I am.
You know, what is the diffence? Big deal.
It is fixed, I'm in the top five. Congratulations... to me.
But i-i-is that enough?
Have you no pride in... in yourself, in your... in your presentation?
You know what? I'm an FBI agent, all right?
I'm not a performing monkey in heels.
You're also a person and an incomplete one at that!
In place of friends and relationships, you have... sarcasm and a gun.
Oh, I have sarcasm?
When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
Ah, that is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist,
and that works for me.
You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them.
And-and-and I don't have friends because I work 24-7.
And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
Look, as we're practising interviews here, why are you the way you are?
None o' your damn business. That's why.
None o' your damn business.
All the judges probably have never heard that before.
We have more to do here.
No, we are finished.
Finished.
Come in, gimme a 20 on Matthews. Right now.
Be advised he's at the pool.
"How do you feel about gun control?" Favorable.
Thought I'd let you know I was quittin', all right? Take care.
Hold on a second. Wait a minute.
What do you mean, you quit?
I mean, you got the wrong girl. All right?
Hart, I do not need this now.
I know you don't need this right now. That's what I'm saying, all right?
I'm totally screwing up in there! I don't even feel like a real agent anymore.
I mean, Vic says this thing that's, like, so...
You know... I don't care what he said. I don't care. I-I-I don't care, you know?
Because I am the job. I am the job and I'm okay with that.
- I mean, you're the job. Right? - Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job.
You're the job. So, then, what's wrong with me?
I date. I go on dates.
I know... I know everyone thinks I haven't had a date about 10 years.
- Is that... is that what you think? - I think you date.
Damn right I do. But, you know, both times it was totally screwed up.
You know what? I don't even care. I don't care.
All I... all I wanna do... is my job.
And for the last three days, I feel like I'm completely lost.
Hart, listen to me. I've been waiting five years to run my own op.
You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?
No, no, no. I know the only reason you picked me
is because I'm the only one to look half decent in the bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.
No, that's why they let me pick you.
- You wanna know why I picked you? - Lost a bet.
Because you're smart, because you don't take any crap from people, you're funny...
you're easy to talk to when you're not armed...
Give yourself a break, cut Vic and the rest of the pageant ladies some slack.
Because if they see ever get the chance to see what I see, then...
they're gonna love you.
So, what do you say?
- All right, I won't let you down. - Good, that's what I wanna hear.
I mean, in all honesty, I-I-I might let you down.
But I'm gonna... try my best... not to.
Do not mess with the dress.
Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.
- What? - You in big trouble.
- Why? You fell. You actually... - Big trouble.
- You look good wet. - Shut up!
Whoa, whoa, guys! Hart's in the dressing room. Come on. Come on!
- Ow! You see the legs on that girl? - Who's your daddy?
- Those better be candy dishes! - Turn around.
Open.
This guy's like an inch from death! You see this?
Yeah, yeah, but what a way to go!
- Break it up. Nothing to see. - What do you mean?
What do you mean?
She's a federal agent. Come on. Give her a break.
Oh, good. I guess it's time to apply at my local "Hooters".
What? Hemorrhoid ointment?
You really think the judges are gonna be lookin' that closely?
It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
Really?
Good, hair spray. Finally something I recognize.
What are you doing?
- It stops the suit from riding up. - Riding up where?
- Just... up! - That is enough!
Why do you make things difficult for me?
Oh, yeah, I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you.
Ah! Okay, why does Georgia get to wear a one-piece
and I have to wear this?!
Listen. If you can do this, then you can convince anyone that you belong here.
Places, everybody! Let's go!
The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts for 15% of the total score,
and tests the grace, athleticism and poise
of each lovely woman.
Look, the last time I was this naked in public, I was coming out of a uterus, okay?
I-I don't have any breasts, my thighs... I should be wearing a moomoo. Really.
Look. I have been avoiding this experience my entire life.
And here it is. You must achieve a Zen-like state.
Listen to your breathing, feel your heartbeat,
think of the Dalai Lama.
Texas!
Rhode Island!
New Jersey!
Nebraska!
Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama...
New York!
California!
I would have to say, world peace.
Definitely, world peace.
That's easy. World peace.
World peace.
What is the one most important thing our society needs?
That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
And... world peace.
- Thank you, Gracie Lou. - And thank you, Stan.
Cheryl Frasier... from Rhode Island.
That was charming. Are you drunk?
I'm glad you enjoyed it, monkey.
If you'd excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile.
Hey. We got a lead.
- What, the blood test? - Photos.
Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical animal rights group involved in several bombings.
It's always the quiet ones.
Anyway, she fits the profile: a loner, introverted...
Cheryl? That Cheryl?
Describe your perfect date.
That's a tough one.
I'd have to say April 25th,
because it's not too hot, not too cold.
All you need is a light jacket.
Right. Now, there is a hardened criminal.
Hey! Listen to me, Sparky! Maybe she's an accomplice.
Maybe she's his inside connection. Maybe she's totally innocent.
- That's what you gotta find out. - How?
I don't know, coke some out of 'er, buddy up to her... You know, girl talk.
- Girl talk? - Yes, girl talk.
I'm sorry, I'm totally drawin' a blank.
Well, leg waxing, fake orgasms,
the inability of men to commit...
Well, why don't you go talk to 'er?
Just imagine that she's me
and there's somethin' you wanna know, but I don't wanna talk about it.
What would you do?
You want me to beat it out of her?
- Why don't you go talk to her? - Okay, you know what? Forget about it. I will go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What are you doin'? Put that back in your ear.
I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head.
I can't even do it with me in my head.
Girl talk.
- Oh, my God! - Hey, Rhode Island! How you doin'?
How can you ask that? You heard my interview.
I was like a female Rain Man.
Oh, no, it-it def-def-definitely wasn't Rain Man.
De-definitely wasn't Rain Man.
Come and have a midnight snack with me and, uh, some...
girl talk. Come on.
Are you crazy? We can't have pizza and beer!
Do you know how many calories you're talking about?
Uh... it's light beer and she's gonna throw it up anyway.
Come on.
Come in.
No? No takers? No?
All right, well, you know, I'll just... sit here.
You guys go back on your little bicycles
and I'll sit here with my... very large, cheesy pizza.
Oh, look at all that cheese.
Cheryl... don't.
- I don't know. - At least scrape off the toppings.
First step, pizza. Second step, flaming batons...
Well, I guess we'll be needing some more pizza.
I need another drink!
We're gonna get a drink.
Another round, ladies?
- I can't do another one! - Yes, you can.
This is so weird! This is my third one o' these and I don't feel a thing!
Really?
Kinda like when I answered my interview question.
Well, you know, don't worry about that, we all sucked.
You know, I had such a good answer to that question too.
Yeah?
My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner
and then we walk along the beach barefoot, discussing books and-and music and-and movies!
No wonder you're still a virgin.
- Okay. Time to paint. Come on. - No, my contacts.
We're gonna stay here.
We're gonna have some more, uh... pizza and beer.
Have fun!
- This is so much fun. - Yeah, it's fun.
It's so fun it should be illegal.
- No? - Speaking of illegal...
like, have you ever, like... committed a crime?
Yes!
Yes, I... I did.
Go on.
One time I stole red underwear from the department store.
My mother wouldn't buy them for me!
She said they were Satan's panties.
- So, is... is that it? - Yeah.
Oh, well, there was, uh, this one thing in college with my lit professor.
And, um... one day I came to his office
cause he said he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote.
He wanted to discuss a paper, right?
Hey, um, can I get another one of these tubie things?
Yeah, can we get another... you know, tubie... more?
Anyway, he attacked me.
Ch... Cheryl, did you... did you report him?
Oh, no, I never told anyone before this.
I-I know that kind of thing happens all the time.
No, no, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't.
You know, there is, like, so many maneuvers that I could show you.
- Really? - Yeah!
Come on. You know, get up. Get up.
All right. Now I want you to firmly plant your feet.
- Right here, right here. - Okay.
I'm gonna move the chair. Hold on!
Now, if someone comes at you...
She's completely trashed.
You know, we should get her back before, uh, Miss Morningside finds out.
Oh, Kathy's just got a boot up her ass about something.
Oh, I don't think she ever got over those... rumors.
Come again?
You know, her pageant years, she was a runner-up.
But then the winner just mysteriously gets food poisoning.
Bizarro!
Uh-uh, Stan told me she got a letter, like, a few weeks back from the network
and they're firing her too! She threw a chair out the window!
Okay, we gotta go. Come on.
Look! I got 20 people here waiting for confirmation.
No, don't tell me I don't understand. You don't understand.
I hate it when I don't see that wet paint sign.
Okay, stop it. Listen.
What? I can't hear you, I took out my earpiece.
You stop? I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.
Forget it, Picasso. Looks like they bagged the Citizen.
What? Where?
All right. It's confirmed. He was holing up in a little shack in Nevada.
Place had enough C4 to make a new Grand Canyon.
Let's pack up and get the hell outta here.
Sir, I-I need to talk to you for a minute.
I just... one second o' your time.
- Hart! - Just, uh, hear me out for a second.
I-I... I really feel that the situation bears further scrutiny
and our... and our continued presence here at the pageant.
What are you, deaf? You just got paint in the ears!
Look, we caught the guy!
Sir, I hear what you're saying. I totally respect it,
and if I were you, I'd probably say the same thing to me
but... what if we were wrong?
What if the Citizen didn't send the letter? What if it was a copycat?
- Copycat... - No, sir, the letter didn't follow the normal pattern.
The... linguistic scheme was totally uncharacteristic
and the DNA said it was a woman!
Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick the envelope.
Sir, I-I think we have reason to monitor Kathy Morningside.
Really?
Why don't you jump on 'er dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?
Look, you are the reason I had to drag myself down here in the first place
and I don't wanna hear another damn word!
Yes, sir. You're absolutely right. Not another damn word.
Thank you.
But, sir, she's getting fired this year, which she neglected to tell us.
Hart, you're already in enough trouble with the review board.
Yeah, yeah, but, you know the other thing. When she was in the pageant,
the only reason she won the crown was because the winner "mysteriously" got food poisoning.
How bizarro is that?
"Bizarro"?
Oh! Oh! And another thing. She threatens me.
And according to Mary Jo, she has a history of violent behavior.
Who the hell is Mary Jo?
The point is, where you gettin' your information, from a pyjama party?
- No. - Would you just... shut up?
Why? You're shuttin' up enough for the both of us.
- Matthews... - Yes, sir.
Is there any reason to suspect Morningside?
No, sir.
There.
Sir, I request permission to stay behind with a small contingent of agents.
- Denied. - Then I request permission to stay behind alone.
You know what? I don't care what you do.
You wanna stay, stay! But as a private citizen.
Turn in your badge and your gun.
All right, everybody, I suggest we start packing.
Yes, sir.
What?
Come on, don't look at me like I just betrayed you.
No, betrayal implies an action. You just stood there.
You got nothin' to go on.
No, you know... I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup, all right?
But for the first time in my life,
I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time.
And I have to protect those girls. It is my job.
Fine. Part o' doin' the job is followin' orders.
The other part of that job is using your brain, Eric.
Take the rule book and just throw it our the window...
I like the rule book, okay?
I like knowin' what I can and cannot do.
You're not the only one who lives his life for the job.
And I wanna keep mine for the next 20 or 30 years.
Thank you very much.
Jesus, Hart. Just... give it a rest.
Sure, give it a rest.
What're you doin'?
Don't do it.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I can't believe it!
Hi, mom.
Don't do that!
That slow, creepy thing in the shadows. Your father used to do that.
Mom.
This isn't gonna work.
Oh, honey, of course it's going to work.
But since the feds caught the Citizen, we've got no one to pin it on!
Okay, that was bad luck.
But what about all these other letters from terrorist groups threatening us...?
"Women's Liberation Front." "Islamic Jihad."
They're not so nuts about the swimsuit competition.
I mean, any one of these groups could have planted a bomb.
- When did we get those? - Well, I just finished writing them, Frank.
Just like the Citizen letter.
- You're a genius. - No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.
Nobody fires me and gets away with it.
The network wants a newer, hotter show...
they're gonna get it.
- Mom, you're a little scary. - And you're a little bit sloppy.
Now, tuck your shirt. I don't wanna tell you again.
- Let's go home, honey. - But... mom?
Oops!
- Need a hand, boss? - I got it.
Okay, Vic. Beautify me.
Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is you do.
Where's that shiny stuff that you keep puttin' on my lips...? I love this...
Where you goin'?
Your agent McDonald insists that I depart
or I won't be compensated.
No. No, no, no! After the top 10! I am completely on my own.
The FBI is gone, it's not fixed anymore. I need you!
Not anymore. The cocoon is open.
I've taken a woman without a discernable smidgen of estrogen...
and tramsformed her into a lady.
- No, Vic, come on. - I've never been prouder of myself.
Or...
of any girl that I have ever coached.
You are truly unique.
If I ever had a daughter...
I imagine that she would be... something like you.
Which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
Okay, Vic, look. I have a really strong feeling that somethin's gonna happen to these girls.
- You need to stay for me. Please, please. - I... I can't.
But I can leave you this. I was saving it for tonight.
It's your size, I believe.
Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.
It's been a privilege.
Ten minutes, ladies.
What, no insults today?
- You're a Don Ho. - Has anyone seen Gracie?
I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal.
Maybe she couldn't take the pressure. She ate four slices last night.
We all saw her glasses performance.
She is not making the top 10. Oh, hi.
- I, uh, overslept my beauty sleep. - Gracie, do you need help?
No, I'm fine. It all got okay.
I wonder which one of these...
- ... is, uh, lipstick. - Oh.
Ladies!
Good luck, ladies! Keep it movin'.
C'mon, c'mon, let's go!
Looking good, ladies.
You do me a favor. Will you please go back to the mothership?
As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass.
Let's go! Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas, let's go! C'mon, Nebraska. Guys..
I can't open the goddamn bottle.
Let's go, have a good show. You guys excited?
Get it.
Have a good show, all right? You guys, have a good one.
- Yeah, you ready? - Gracie, where are you going?
I forgot my breasts. Hold on, I'll be back.
Going live...
In five... four... three...
Keep 'er up.
It's the 75th Annual Miss United States Pageant
live from San Antonio, Texas!
Music too.
Oh, good you're using that one cause that's the one I use at home.
That's great, let's go, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Let's go, let's go!
And your host for the evening, Stan Fields!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
And welcome to a night of beauty, talent and poise.
And I'm not just talkin' about my co-host, Kathy... Morningside!
- Hello, Kathy. - Stan, you charmer.
But you forgot to mention "incredible intelligence".
That was incredibly stupid of me. How can I make it up?
By helping me to announce the top 10 finalists
chosen based on their performance during the preliminaries this past week.
- And here's the envelope. - Thank you, Scott.
Ladies, hold your breath.
Hawaii!
Follow her.
Beautiful. Come in for that reaction.
Roll again.
- Go to two. - Going to two.
California!
New York!
Alaska!
Texaaas!
New Jersey!
Oh, shit!
Oh, that was graceful.
Oh, that must have hurt.
But she's up and at it.
And last but not least, Rhode Island.
And there they are! This year's top 10 finalists.
Well, the top 10 have been chosen.
And we'll be right back with tonight's swimsuit competition.
I checked out Kathy Morningside again like you had asked.
Yeah, anything?
Not even a traffic ticket. Model citizen.
Beauty contestant, pageant director...
loving mom...
- But she's married? - Widow. One son.
A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being.
- You know her son? - So do you. It's Frank.
- Frank. Her assistant Frank? - Asshole Frank?
One and the same.
That's weird. She never mentioned anything.
- Anything come up on the CCH? - Nothing on Frank Tobin.
But there wouldn't be, would there?
His name is Morningside.
He changed it to cover his many indiscretions.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. How do you know that?
I have been around this pageant for many years.
I could shock you... with the intimate details I'm privy to.
Good job! Good job!
Keep going, everybody.
Keep moving.
- Hey! Hey! I got you somethin'. - What?
Oh!... Oh... But I couldn't...
I know you can. You ate pizza, you stole panties, you're a wild woman.
We worked on this, remember?
You're gonna be great.
- Can I see your ticket? - Federal officer.
I'm with him.
Gentlemen, you can't go in... Oh, Victor!
He's with me.
Wait a minute. I'm not "with 'im" with 'im. It's nothin' like that.
Come on, muffin.
Thank you! She certainly lit my fire.
Now you can wear Satan's panties!
Oh, my God.
I gotta go on!
- Hey, Hart. - What are you doin' here?
Listen to me. I think you might have been right.
Frank is Kathy Morningside's son.
- Frank? What, disgusting, perverted Frank? - He cleared under another name.
I ran a new CCH. Got a wrapsheet. DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.
We doin' full deployment? What are we doin'?
McDonald didn't wanna hear about this. It's just us. We gotta go find Frank.
Good show, Mr. Tobin.
Get ready.
Oh, here you are! You're up next, New Jersey.
I gotta get my glasses.
Hey! hey, hey, hey! What're you doin'? You're drinkin' my talent!
I'm sorry.
What're you gonna do? You gotta make it into the top five.
- Can you whistle? - No!
- Make hand puppets? - No!
I once had a girl who rearranged furniture.
No! You said that all I have is sarcasm and a gun.
Yeah, that and a right hook.
And now...
the musical stylings of Gracie Lou Freebush.
Good evening.
I know the, uh, program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you
but, uh, some o' the girls got dehydrated.
No water glasses?
- Wanna go to a commercial? - No, no, no, no, no. Why... Just s-stay on 'er.
Go with it.
And I believe that no woman should be without at least a basic knowledge of-of self-defense.
So, uh, in order to show you this, um, I'm gonna need a little help.
And I-I would like to bring out my assistant...
Eric Bob.
More changes?
All right, just follow 'er. Stay on 'er.
... to inflict maximum damage, uh, with the least amount of force.
Okay, now. In, uh, some cases, your attacker might come at you in a, uh, uh, frontal assault.
Use the heel of your hand and thrust it upward.
This will cause the nose to break and your assailant's eyes to tear...
giving you a chance to get away.
All right. Let's say your assailant comes at you from behind.
Attack me!
Aw! Little Eric looks a little scared.
Maybe he needs a little bit of applause.
Ouch! She's kickin' his ass, look at this!
- Tomorow you'll be the best queen ever. - Thank you, that's so sweet.
Ladies, give Lori some room to breathe. Go on, now.
You need some powder.
Lori, you don't have to hold that crown all night.
- Oh, my God. - It's ok.
That is disgraceful. Frank!
Frank, take this to the prop master. See if you can't get it to really shine.
Now, if all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body.
But just remember to "sing". "S-I-N-G."
Solar plexus, instep, nose, groin!
All right, cue Stan.
Whoa! Welcome to the Garden State!
When we return, we'll find out just who those lucky final five are.
- All right, let's go find Frank. - Okay, uh, you take the stage left. I'll take this side.
No, no, no. Evening gown. Now.
Ladies! In one moment, five of you...
will be one step closer to the crown.
And... one of those five...
is...
California!
Leslie Williams is a music major.
She believes in the healing power of music.
Loves opera, reggae...
and, like any true California girl.
the Beach Boys.
Rhode Island!
Cheryl Frasier is a science major.
Her field is nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles.
Nebraska!
For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world's a stage.
A theater major...
she helps run a drama program for underprivileged children.
New Jersey!
Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician.
Gracie, it's you. Go!
Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet,
and taking long, luxurious bubble baths.
You go, Gracie Lou.
And our fifth finalist. Texas!
Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major.
In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter
and eats as much Mexican food as she can get.
Thank you, ladies. You were magnificent.
I just wanna let all the lesbians out there know...
if I can make it to the top 10, so can you!
Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
Get her off of there! Go to Stan!
Let go! Tina, I love you, baby!
I love you, Karen!
Tina, I love you.
And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians... interviews.
Bumper. Commercial. Can we say "lesbians"?
You got a problem with that?
In a way... America is like a big ship.
And when we work together and respect each other,
that's when the ship gets safely home.
Terrific answer.
Damn it.
New Jersey.
As you may know, there are many who consider the Miss United States pageant
to be... outdated and antifeminist.
- What would you say to them? - Oh, my God.
Well, I would have to say, I used to be one of them.
And then I came here...
and I realized that these women are... smart, terrific people,
who are just... tryin' to make a difference in the world.
And we've become really good friends.
I mean, I-I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and-and fall on her face, but...
Ah, wait a minute! I've already done that!
And for me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding and...
liberating experiences of my life.
My God. I did it.
And if anyone...
anyone...
tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out.
I would make them suffer so much, they'd wish they were never born.
And if they ran...
I would hunt them down.
Thank you, Kathy.
A brief, shining moment, and then that mouth.
Helps if you pull it out.
I can't believe.
Good luck, ladies.
Where's the crown? Oh, I wanted to rub it for good luck.
Well, Frank took it to get it polished.
But don't worry, I'll have it by the time they announce the winner.
- Let's go, ladies. You're on. - Oh, my God! It's... it's the crown!
Yes, it is. You can taste it now...
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Let's go, let's go.
It's Texas, and Rhode Island...
and... New Jersey. Let's go.
- Not the... - In order, please. Let's go. Come on.
Finale positions.
In the crown.
Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown.
And now, the moment of truth and beauty.
The envelope, please.
What?
A lot of tension.
The fourth runner-up is...
California!
The third runner-up is...
Nebraska!
- Am I in danger here? - You wait here.
The second runner-up is...
Texas!
Drop it!
I mean it! Drop it!
This is it. The moment.
One of these two ladies will wear the crown.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
I'm gonna reach for my badge, right? I'm gonna reach real slow.
You do, and you're dead.
The first runner-up...
who will have to take the winner's place if, for any reason...
she cannot fulfill her duties is...
New Jersey! Which means
our new Miss United States is:
Don't take the crown.
Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!
Don't take the... don't take the crown. Trust me.
She's beauty and she's grace. She's queen of 50 states.
She's elegance and taste. She's Miss United States.
Hold your crown up... high.
Go ahead, hold your crown... up high.
Raise it to the sky.
Jersey's gone berserk!
Get her off the stage!
Hold your crown up high.
Raise it to the sky.
Hold your crown up high.
She stands for all that's good.
She loves her neighborhood.
She's friends with everyone she meets.
Ohh, she's beauty and she's grace,
She's... queen of 50 states.
She's... elegance and taste.
She's Miss United States.
Hold your crown up high.
Gracie!
Hold your crown up high.
Yes, raise it to...
She's Miss United States.
Okay.
Good show, everybody.
- I was right in the middle of my song! - There she is!
You people got nothing on me. This is ridiculous.
Don't worry, Miss Morningside.
I'm sure where where you're goin', they'd love to meet a former beauty queen.
You should know, when he says meet, he means M-E-A-T.
Miss Hart, you don't understand.
All I'm guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place.
Look at yourself.
Why, when I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in a dress.
But... but now you're a lady! I did that!
No, Vic did that and a team of highly specialized federal manicurists,
some people that make you, you know, like... beautiful.
You know what? You are under arrest. Get in the car.
No. You think you saved something tonight.
But all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
What, you think their dream is to get blown up?
You really got a good shot at that insanity plea. Yeah.
Well, I earned it, honey!
Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get? Fired!
They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant.
Hey! Hey! It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program.
- Yeah, yeah. - "Yes".
Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh? Huh?
- Get it? The Women's Correctional Facility... - Hey... That was good work.
Right back at you.
So, uh, how's it feel? Throwing the rule book out of the window, eh?
- Pretty good, actually. - Yeah.
Listen, I was thinkin', uh...
you know, when we get back to the city,
after we write up our reports...
you get all ugly again...
I don't know, maybe we could have dinner, you know?
What? You, like, askin' me out on a date?
- No. Just a casual dinner. - Huh.
If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.
You think I'm gor-geous,
you wanna date me...
love me and marry me.
You gotta admit, a part o' you is gonna miss this.
I know I'm gonna miss the heels cause they do somethin' for my posture.
And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
Funny, me too.
Agent Matthews! Gracie!
Thank God you're still here. There's been an emergency at the farewell breakfast.
Somebody's found some sort of a... in-in.. an incendiary device.
Come on, quickly! Come on!
Excuse me. FBI.
She saved the pageant, she saved our lives
and here she is!
- That's not gonna work for me. - No...
No, no. No, no, no, no. no. Cause I can't go up there.
It was totally his idea, Gracie Lou.
You know, I'd never get you here unless you had the chance to shoot someone.
- You'll get yours, Henry Higgins. - Go on.
Come one. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!
No, no, not so fast!
Because even though you're a federal officer...
to us, you will always be Gracie Lou Freebush.
The nicest, sweetest, coolest girl at the pageant,
and this year's Miss Congeniality!
I, uh... I-I-I don't know what to say.
Um... Except for, uh...
I can't wear this at work.
I... never thought anything like this would ever happen to me.
I mean, I-I-I kind of hoped it wouldn't.
But now that it has...
uh... I just wanna say that, uh...
I'm very...
uh... very honored.
And...
moved.
And...
truly touched.
And...
I really do want world peace.
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