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All right.
Toast time.
All right.
Um, this is, amazingly enough, to us.
Five incredible, incredible years.
Cheers.
Come here.
Brendan, we're leaving in five minutes, sweetie.
Samuel.
Yeah?
Do you want more?
No, thanks. No. I've had lots.
No. Not lunch.
I mean more for us.
By which you mean the big "M"...
Marriage, huh?
Well... yeah.
Um, I'm over 30,
and I feel like something's missing.
O.K. Well, you know, what?
What could possibly be missing?
Let's look at that, because, you know,
we live in a fantastic apartment.
My practice is really good.
We get on better than most married couples.
Sure.
Life is dangerously close to perfection actually,
so, uh, why would you want to change things?
Why change what's perfect?
Yeah?
Right.
O.K.
Uh, new toast. To stability.
Honey!
Oh, God!
Shit, honey. I hit a guy. Come on!
Are you all right?
Excuse me, ma'am. I know CPR.
Aah...
O.K.
You're conscious! I thought you were French kissing.
I was trying to scream.
Don't get up.
He's all right.
It's under control, madam. Thank you.
Does your head hurt?
Yes.
Are you nauseated?
Very.
Open your eyes! Wide! Wide!
Aah!
Your pupils aren't dilated.
You're O.K. I brought you back!
He's O.K. Let him up.
All right. Whoa. Sorry, buddy.
No. Careful.
No lawsuit.
Good. No lawsuit.
Yeah. Marty Dwyer.
Yeah. Samuel Faulkner.
How you doing? Good to meet you.
A big wind came along and bam!
Cracked you on the noggin,
but I guess you know that.
Kids, stop that! Your manners.
There's plenty. Help yourselves.
This sucks. It tastes like poo!
Oh, bloody hell.
What did I say about spitting in people's food?
Oh, please. Here, eat this.
Eat that, honey.
You know, I know you.
I don't think so.
You're Sean's friend, the kiddie, you know,
shrink.
Yes. I'm a psychotherapist.
Like some help with your children?
I met you last year at Sean's loft.
I'm his sister Gail.
Oh, hi. I'm Rebecca.
Nice to see you again.
Look, I'm sorry. That's beluga.
It's $64 an ounce. It's not dog food.
I'll write you a check.
No, it's fine. It's just...
O.K.
Kids, say thank you to the man
for the nice cheese
and give him a big hug!
Thank you!
Pleasure.
Kids, break it up. We got stuff to do.
Have a little bit. Just a bit.
No. Come on.
Come on, Sprinkler. Let's go.
Hope we didn't ruin your picnic.
No. Why would you think that?
Take it easy. See you around.
Bye.
You see... breeders,
perfect example of the product of change.
The swelling's gone down.
It's still quite painful, actually.
You know, all I'm saying
is there should be two areas on the beach,
one for adults and one for children.
Then everyone's happy.
Is that any better?
Yeah.
That's much better.
You're too tense.
You need to loosen up.
Come on.
I love you.
I adore you.
Oh, yeah.
My dad's an asshole.
O.K.
Good.
Interesting.
Um, is that something
you can maybe elaborate on
a little bit for me, Truman?
O.K.
Great.
My dad's a giant asshole!
Yeah.
1, 2.
O.K. When you bring your arms up,
round like this, O.K., Eleanor?
Round. Round.
There you go. Yeah. O.K.
Like this, Miss Rebecca?
Look. Look at that.
I don't know about Truman.
I'll get him to open up,
but he's got very severe problems,
and we know who to thank, don't we?
Huh?
You know, his parents.
32.
The state requires you
to take a written test to drive a car,
but any moron can become a parent
and just destroy a child's life.
It's like people have babies on a whim.
Surely, to be a parent you have to plan ahead.
36.
Say, do I want to become a parent?
38.
Am I ready?
I'm pregnant.
What?
Pregnant?
Watch out!
Aah!
Watch out!
Well, I guess you don't want the baby.
Sir, your car will be ready in a minute.
You're lucky
the engine's in the back.
Yeah. Right.
Hi.
Ready in a minute.
Good.
So, um...
we are absolutely certain about this, right?
Well, my period's 10 days late.
Right.
And there's no way you could have had it
and just not noticed?
Sorry. Ridiculous. That was stupid. Stupid.
Could you be a little more positive about this,
more supportive?
I'm trying to be positive.
Killing us in a head-on collision is not positive.
It must have been shock.
Out of the blue, you say you're pregnant.
It was just a little bit unexpected
was probably the reason for the crash.
I thought you were using birth control.
I was.
Your car's ready now, sir.
Great.
Oh...
you don't believe me!
No?
You think I got pregnant behind your back.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Do you think I planned this?
I'm as flipped out as you are.
I suppose I just thought
that birth control
had a little teeny element of control about it.
Thought it was supposed to be foolproof.
Nothing is foolproof. It's only 97% effective.
It says so on the box.
Yeah. Right. 97% effective.
So 3% completely bloody ineffective.
They should put that on the box.
Here you are.
Thanks.
We're off.
Hey. Hey.
Sean.
Who's the blonde?
No idea.
Oh, my God. Jesus.
Hey, how are you?
Hi.
Hey, this is Bobbie.
Hi.
This is Rebecca and Sam.
Hi.
I was getting worried about you guys.
What happened to this car?
Oh, long story.
What happened to Christine?
A long story.
So this is where you two are going to stay.
Yeah, lovely.
So, what do you think of her?
What, you mean the blonde?
She's attractive. Very attractive.
She's 25 years old.
Her skin is like ribbon candy.
Breasts like sponge cake.
Her calves are like calzone.
I mean, highly edible.
Highly edible.
She's crazy about sex.
This is somebody
to get me over the rough spots.
Mmm. What do you mean? What rough spots?
Oh, Christine left me.
Oh, shit.
When?
Oh, uh... a week ago.
What happened?
Well...
she wanted a child.
I'm sorry.
Are you O. K?
Yep. Yep. What an idiot.
Leave that.
Got it.
She said she wanted...
She, uh... Christine wanted a baby.
She was hungry for seed,
so I closed the iron door,
denied her my essence.
You know, I'm not ready
to be biologically extraneous.
She would have devoured me
from the head down,
chewed up my manhood,
swallowed my youth, and gobbled me up
like some praying mantis.
Not for me.
What do you mean, praying mantis?
The female mantis,
after she has sex with her mate,
she eats him.
Oh, yeah.
But Christine wasn't pregnant
or anything like that?
No. What do you mean? Like on the sly?
On the sly,
or, you know, in the run of things.
On the s... No.
I mean, Christine has her faults,
but I don't know who would do that.
That's a knife in the back.
Yeah.
You know, that's... No, of course not.
That's some voodoo woman
who puts pins in her diaphragm.
Ha ha.
Spooky, Sam.
That's a she-snake.
That's like the most hateful,
cruel, sneaky,
horrible thing you can do.
Who would do that?
No! No!
Aah!
They eat the father! They eat the father!
They eat him!
Honey. Honey, what? Honey, what?
Who eats fathers?
No one. Sorry. Sorry.
Just a bad, bad dream.
Silly, silly dream.
O.K. You worry too much.
Just relax.
Lie down, O.K. Lie down.
It's O.K., baby.
Whatever happens, we can work it out.
I know.
I love you.
I've loved you
since the first moment I saw you.
You're the only one
I want to be the father of my children,
whether it's now or later.
O. K?
Oh...
I love it when you do that.
Do what?
Ha ha ha!
That thing you're doing with my knee.
That is so good.
Oh, Samuel.
Stop it. I love it.
Go on.
But, Samuel?
What? Yeah?
I'm not doing anything with your knee.
Huh?
Aah! What is it?
Aah!
- Aah! - Aah!
What's the matter? Come here, kiddo.
Where you been? Come here, you.
I'm sorry, folks. Come on. Get away from him.
I'm sorry, folks.
She's going through a hiding phase.
It's for attention.
Hey, honey, you'll get it dirty,
and God knows what's on there.
Hey, honey, it's the beach people.
Oh, hi.
This is great. Don't worry. We didn't bring a kite.
How about another one of them kisses?
What's going on?
We found her.
We've been looking for her for an hour.
Honey, tell the neighbors to call off the search.
You, call the sheriff before the choppers go up.
We're sorry. Looks like a full house.
Party time, then!
I'm sorry. Get back in there.
Listen, um, sorry, and I'm going to take off.
You'll be here all weekend, right?
Sounds great. Good to see you.
You didn't tell me they were coming.
They didn't tell me either.
They always show up uninvited.
I hope they don't spoil your weekend.
Oh, no.
We'll be fine. The kids seem adorable.
Oh, they're monsters.
They're monsters.
See, this is why I don't want kids.
It's nonsense.
No, what I'm saying is
I think it's such baloney and such a cliché
that the artist has to be messed up
and have a life of deprivation,
be an alcoholic or deprived in some way.
It's how you use, obviously, with imagination and passion
whatever it is...
I love you.
Well, that's nice.
I think you're great.
Marry me, Captain Renaldo.
Who's Captain Renaldo?
Marry me. Make me your wife.
We'll honeymoon in Paris.
Well, I'm not sure.
It's King Stanislaus' daughter, isn't it?
You're madly in love with her!
Who?
Don't deny it! I saw you two kissing!
Brute!
She hit me.
Shannon, no hitting.
O.K. You run along.
Go play. We'll talk later.
You weasel!
Oh, God. I am so sorry about that.
She's been reading Harlequin Romance novels,
and she's just obsessed with it.
It's kind of cute.
Isn't it cute? Lovely.
Not many teeth left, but cute.
What a puss.
All right, everybody. I've got an announcement.
Gail and I are going to have a new baby.
Oh, shit. Not another one.
So I'd like to make a toast.
To my wife, the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world.
Love you.
Hear, hear!
You could be the toughest guy,
but when your child looks into your eyes
and that child knows you're their dad...
suddenly it smiles.
It's like... I cannot explain it.
It's like magic.
Is it magic when they do that little dribble of vomit
down your shoulder?
I'm sorry if we're boring you, pal.
Just a joke.
O.K. Just forget it.
The guy is rude.
Sorry. What did you say?
You are rude.
Rude? You think I'm rude?
Yes, I do.
I'm sorry... It's all right, honey.
Let's just deal with this accusation.
Like an idiot, I was under the impression
you were monopolizing the conversation.
I'm sorry if I'm a little excited
about my wife and I having another baby.
Is being excited a reason
to exclude eight people from conversation?
I didn't realize
this was a frickin' group therapy session!
How much do I owe?
You didn't realize you were a crashing bore.
I'll walk over there and kick your bony little ass!
I'll have my 5-year-old daughter do it!
Let's drop it.
Marty, he does have a point,
but just drop it.
Sean, he's a dick,
and you're an even bigger dick
for taking his side over family.
You and Gail used to be interested
in politics, music, art.
Now it's nothing but kids, kids, kids.
My kids are very meaningful to me.
When my first was born,
it was my most exciting moment.
I felt like I really made a contribution
to this world.
Absolutely. Congratulations.
The world is overpopulated.
Our society has too many starving children.
I would say our society
has too many starving artists.
It hasn't been lucrative.
That's true,
but that doesn't mean
what I do isn't respectable.
Van Gogh, while he was living,
didn't sell one painting.
Now his stuff goes for $40 million.
How long will you have to be dead
before you can pay that phone bill?
Do you come here to ruin my weekends
and embarrass me at my home?
Your home? This isn't your home.
It was our parents' home!
You aren't making any contributions.
You've got no wife, no kids.
You insult your only family.
You keep this up, you'll die alone,
like a dog, like a bum,
like Van Gogh.
Hey, Doc, you all right?
Are you O. K?
Yeah. What?
You don't look good.
You look like you're going to puke.
No, I'm fine. Thank you, Truman.
I was just listening to what you were saying.
Interesting. That was a key sentence.
Would you mind repeating it
just so I can get it down?
You're an asshole.
Right.
And Dad's a bastard!
Yeah.
Right.
I can't be a father.
I can't. I ca... I... I...
Why would I want to have a child?
Just so he can call me a bastard in 10 years' time?
We'd have to move out.
We don't have space for a child.
Rebecca and me, we're wonderful together.
It's just insane to spoil it.
Just the two of us... That's how it should be.
This baby is not a good idea.
That's what I'll tell her.
Beck.
Hi. Be right there.
Just stay back. Bye-bye.
I'll tell her now.
Hi.
Beck.
Listen, Beck...
Samuel, I've been thinking...
No. Wait.
Wait. This pregnancy was an accident.
It took us completely by surprise.
Right.
We've been doing really great together,
and a baby would change everything.
I suppose it could.
Our apartment's not ready for a baby.
No.
We'd have to redecorate.
Yep.
I'd have to quit my job.
Nobody wants a pregnant dance teacher.
We're not ready for a child.
There's not one good reason to keep this baby.
But I still want to.
Right.
Maybe it's crazy,
but I feel it living inside me.
Oh...
and I really want this baby.
O.K.
What about you?
What do...
Oh, you mean what... what...
what do I think?
I'm just saying how I feel.
So, um, what do you feel?
Right. How do I feel on that one?
Well, um...
I feel, um...
I, uh...
I feel exactly the same as you.
Really?
Yeah.
We won't let it change us.
No.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
I have to go to the bathroom again.
It's one of the joys of pregnancy.
O.K. Oh, gosh.
We're going to have a baby.
Aw, I'm such a... I'm such a coward!
Sorry. Forget it. Nothing to do with you.
Oh, baby, you were incredible.
Not bad, eh?
That was the single most satisfying
sexual experience of my life.
Well, I, uh... aim to please.
I know.
Now it's time for dinner.
Dinner?
Aah!
No!
Time to get up.
Today's our first doctor's appointment.
Today?
I told you about it two weeks ago...
and then last week, three days ago,
and twice, I think, yesterday.
Sorry, honey. I completely forgot.
Yeah.
Figures.
I swear I won't forget next time.
Hi.
I'm Rebecca Taylor to see Dr. Green.
Oh, Dr. Green's been out with pneumonia.
You can see Dr. Kosevich or reschedule.
Yes. I think we'll just reschedule.
We can see Dr. Kosevich.
Are you sure?
Why? Is there a problem?
Oh, no. No.
It's just Dr. Kosevich is new... from Russia.
He's a little nervous, oh, but very sweet.
Well, we're already here.
We may as well see Dr. Kosevich.
O.K.
Please, sit down. One moment.
A little family business.
If it's not one thing,
it's your mother.
Please, please, sit down.
I'm very sorry.
Oh, hello.
So we hear you're from Russia.
You have a problem with it?
I am not a Communist.
I was only briefly member of party.
It was only for medical reasons. I was a scientist.
In Russia, I was chief of obstruction.
Obstruction?
Abstraction?
Obstetrics, I think you mean.
That's it. Obstetrics.
One moment.
Not obstruction, is obstetrics.
Yes, I was the head of obstetrics research
at Pasklovansky Hospital in St. Petersburg.
What brings you here, then?
I didn't work with people in Russia.
More the technical side.
No. Animals.
Animals?
Only rats and monkeys.
Rats?
Change of scenery.
You've seen one rat ass, you've seen them all.
I also want a patient who won't bite me.
Last month, I received my new license,
and now I deliver human babies.
O.K., now, I have a computer program here
that I have written myself
that will calculate your due date very accurately.
O. K?
Fine. When was the first day of your last menopause?
- Menopause? - Menstruation.
Menstruation.
Period.
End of sentence.
March 11th.
O.K.
Here it comes.
The baby will be due December 8th.
O.K.
Congratulations. The baby was conceived March 17th.
Oh, that's clever.
Most people know that,
but some people are too drunk to remember.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong?
I'm not the father.
What?
Oh, my God.
On March 17th, I was away
at a child psychiatry conference in Boston, remember?
What are you saying?
I'll leave you two alone.
That's fine. I'm going.
No! Wait! Come back! Sit down!
Samuel, sit down!
Check your computer again!
It is... the computer is very accurate.
Check the goddamn computer.
Check it!
Don't yell at me! Please don't do this.
I spent a year in Afghanistan.
I have sometimes very low tolerance for pressure.
Come on!
O.K. What is wrong with the thing?
Oh, fuck me! It's not working.
Hold on. O.K. What is wrong?
Oh, O.K. O.K. Excuse me.
This is the problem.
It is feces flying into the fan.
There are function keys for humans and simians,
and you're not a simian.
No, I'm not.
I had you as a baboon.
Sorry. I didn't...
There you go. Were you here March 23rd?
Yeah.
With her?
- Yes. - Yes.
O.K., um, everything is fine now.
We're all back on-line, and your baby...
your baby will be born on December 15th.
O.K. Now it is time for the physical examination.
Let's take a look at your Volvo, O. K?
Come with me into here. I'll warm my hands for you.
Please come in.
All right, madam.
If you would get undressed, we'll begin, O. K?
And you may stay, sir, if you like.
That's fine. I'll wait...
Don't you dare.
I'd like to stay.
Very good. Let me get ready for you.
O.K.
We've worked out all the insects.
Giddyup.
Run.
That lunatic is not delivering me.
That's fine. He's just a replacement.
Dr. Green will be there.
Let me help you, honey. Just be gentle!
Honey, listen, I was thinking,
about the baby...
Let's just keep it to ourselves, huh?
Um, um, yeah, all right.
Talking about it
before the third month is bad luck.
Marty, look who's here!
Hey, look who's here!
Hey, guys, what the hell?
Good to see you! How you doing?
Hi.
When are you due?
Oh, I'm not pregnant.
You're not pregnant? Yeah, right.
Huh?
What are you doing
on the maternity floor?
Are we on the maternity floor?
Good grief. We're completely lost.
Poor old Beck.
She had some bad Chinese.
We're here to see the gastrointestinal specialist.
What's his name?
His name?
Yeah.
I can probably tell you
what floor he's on.
She volunteers here. I've sold cars to almost every doctor.
Beck, what's his name?
It's Dr. something, isn't it?
It's Doctor...
Ridiculous.
Excuse me.
Oh, gosh. Thanks.
I didn't realize I'd left it.
Thank you very much.
You have a small pussy.
What?
I found the little hairs on the bag.
What?
You know, the... meow...
Oh, cat!
Yes, we have a cat.
Well, you must get rid of it.
What?
Cats spread the disease.
Oh, yeah. Where the small worms...
Yes. Small worms.
In the poop.
Toxoplasmosis.
Thank you.
Thank you both very much,
but Skippy is old and clean
and won't cause any problem.
O.K. Well, it is your choice...
the cat or the baby.
Sorry to bring you that news.
Baby.
Oh, congratulations, guys.
I'm so excited!
Congratulations, you guys.
Congratulations.
Wow. That's great. Oh, your first.
Thanks.
Sorry about...
That's all right.
I've been lied to before.
You're good at it.
We could use you at the car lot.
It's so exciting!
We're happy for you.
How are you feeling?
I'm O.K. A little tired.
Everybody gets tired,
but the whole thing is just
a life-changing event.
I'll give you my number.
We can go baby shopping.
You've got to get that book,
What To Expect When You're Expecting.
And we've got videos of all her births.
You've got to film your first.
That's the best. It's the bloodiest...
blood everywhere, things shooting out,
people screaming, stuff getting torn and sewed together.
It's like a good World War II movie.
Will you keep the car?
Yeah. It's fine now.
Cost a bit of money.
But it only seats two people.
It always did.
But you're going to have a baby.
You could never fit a car seat in there.
Listen, stop down by the lot.
I'll make you a good deal.
All right?
Great.
Honey, we got to go. Bad Chinese...
Buddy!
Come on, baby. Let's roll.
See you guys.
O.K.
I hate him. I loathe him.
He tried to sell me a new car.
Can you believe that? Tacky or what?
Yeah, but he's right.
We're going to need something bigger.
But you know how much I love my car.
I've worked hard for it.
What do you suggest?
Tie the baby to the hood like a deer?
Well, no, but maybe you could get a car.
On my salary? Come on.
Well, put it this way.
I'm not getting rid of the car.
What about the cat?
Huh?
What, you believe Dr. Zhivago in there?
The monkey doctor?
He's right. I've read about it.
Cats can be dangerous for a baby.
They can suffocate the baby, claw the baby.
Skippy is 16. He can barely move.
He's half-blind.
He's too weak to suffocate anyone.
What about hygiene in the kitchen?
You get cat hair and cat saliva.
You said that this baby wouldn't change our lives.
Now I have to sell my car and get rid of my cat.
This is the second month,
and our lives are practically unrecognizable!
I really appreciate your asking us along.
I'm hoping this will get Samuel excited
about having a baby.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Yeah, 'cause, um,
if things don't change,
I'm thinking about leaving him.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure you are.
I thought about leaving Marty all the time,
but this is his first time.
You've got to give him a chance.
He's completely uninvolved.
This whole baby thing really scares him.
He's probably having trouble facing it.
If you have a baby,
that means he's got to grow up.
The baby's the fun part. That's fun.
You know. Look at all this stuff.
Ah, yeah! Whoo!
He's going to love this.
You know you're having a boy, right?
Yeah.
Gail took one of those amnio tests, I suppose.
No.
How do you know?
I can tell it's a boy
by the way she's carrying it all in front.
They don't often carry them at the back.
If it's a boy,
they carry them low like this.
If it's a girl, it's up like this.
Plus, there are special ways
to ensure that it will be a boy.
What do you mean, special ways?
Well, when we made love...
Yeah?
we used special positions.
Oh, please.
That's an old wives' tale, that stuff.
You'll see.
Sometimes I'm not sure I want this baby.
Oh, Missy, of course you do.
It's just such a privilege.
There's hundreds of women
who spend thousands of dollars every day
trying to get pregnant.
It's like our profound biological right.
It's something men can never experience.
It has to be at the right time for you,
but really, it's a miracle.
And then when the baby comes,
there's moments of sheer happiness.
Even if you're alone?
I know it's fashionable, PC, all that,
to be a strong, independent single mother,
and, uh, I'm prepared for that.
I can do that,
but, um, I would love this baby
to have a mother and a father.
I would love to have a family,
and I would love to marry Samuel.
Um...
all he has to do is ask.
Oh, Missy.
Okey-dokey. Huh huh huh.
O.K. Tell your mommy if she loves you,
she'll buy you the whole Arnie collection!
Thank you, Arnie.
Who loves you, girls?
- Arnie. - Arnie.
Hey, fellas.
How about taking home
a new Arnie doll for the kiddies?
No, thank you, buddy.
Mister, you'd look great
in my "Arnie Loves You" t-shirt.
They come in extra-extra-extra large.
No, thank you.
How about a new "Arnie Loves You" video?
No, thanks. O. K?
I'm not going to buy your damn video!
But the kids will love it.
My kids think your show sucks.
Oh.
But thanks, anyway.
Hey, no hard feelings, O. K?
All right. Sorry.
That's O.K. Huh huh huh.
So long.
Eh, you cheap shit.
What did you say?
Huh?
Oh, gee. I didn't say nothing, mister.
He didn't say anything, Marty.
Bye-bye. Arnie loves you.
You penis-head.
I heard that!
Heard what?
I heard what you said!
He's pathetic. Come on.
There's children around here, for God's sake!
So long...
you fat-ass pussy!
That's it!
No.
Yes!
Uh-oh.
No. No. Arnie.
Come on, you wiener.
Come on, you bitch.
Here's one for the queen.
Oh!
I'll get him, Sammy.
Hey, cut it out.
Oh, you hit like a girl,
you flatulent butt-head.
I'll take both you wieners on.
You and that pussy boyfriend!
Right, you bastard!
Who's the fat pussy now, buddy?
Tell your sister to let go of my tail,
you weak-wristed Nancy boy!
Get off me, you fat bastard!
I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You" lunch box up your ass!
Marty!
Samuel!
Oh, you... Hi, honey.
He is such a jerk!
We're in trouble.
Run to Mommy.
I'll wipe the floor with you.
Oh...
Wow! That's, uh...
that's quite a breakfast you've got there.
Mm-hmm!
Wow, you, uh...
certainly got your appetite back.
Mmm! Boy...
I don't know if you noticed...
The first three months were tough on me.
But now, you know,
my breasts don't hurt,
no more nausea or insomnia,
and I feel great!
Oh! Good news.
So, I was thinking, you know,
I know it's been two months
since we made love,
but maybe we could fool around tonight.
Check!
Leave the breakfast.
But I haven't finished the food!
O.K. I'll be right back.
Huh? What?
I'll be right back.
Wait here for me.
Right. Right.
Ready when you are.
Ow!
Ready.
Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
Ha ha ha!
What is it?
It moved.
Huh? What moved?
The baby. It moved!
Oh.
Oh, right.
Here. Put your hand here.
It's like bubbles.
I-I-I don't feel anything.
No, just wait.
Oh. It stopped.
What a shame.
Yeah.
It's an incredible feeling.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I guess I got plenty more time to feel it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ohh...
Honey, do you think we're hurting the baby?
No. No.
Because if I can feel it,
then it can feel me.
No, I don't... I don't think so.
Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes, it can.
What if the baby can see?
Um... see what, my love?
Your penis coming toward it.
That could scare the hell out of a baby.
Rebecca, I-I...
What if your penis caused brain damage?
Are you serious?
I don't know, I just...
don't think we should make love
until we talk to the doctor.
Please?
We don't know what could happen, hon.
O.K.
Fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
But you know what?
I bet if we wait awhile,
we can feel the baby move again.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
That will be just as much fun.
Uh!
That's my game.
Fuck! Shit! Shit!
Aah!
Hey, hey, Sam.
Fuck!
Ho!
O.K., that's it.
No more tennis for today.
That's it.
What happened to your British etiquette?
This John McEnroe thing is scaring me.
Um, Sam, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
You're going to have a thrombo.
What's the matter? Why?
O.K.
Rebecca is pregnant. There.
What?
I am completely sexually frustrated.
I do not sleep at night.
I have these appalling nightmares.
About what?
The latest nightmare is that the baby is deformed...
It's missing an arm,
or it's got cauliflower ears
with an eye on its forehead.
I can't stand it! I don't know why...
Do you want the baby?
I don't know what I want anymore.
Well, what about an abortion?
We're in the fifth month. It's too late.
Absolutely. Sit, sit, sit.
Relax. Let's talk about this for real.
My God. Jesus.
I mean, you love Rebecca, right?
Yeah, I adore her.
O.K., O.K.
You got to be honest with her.
Always let her know how you're feeling.
You got to talk to her.
Christine and I never talked.
We were idiots. We threw it away.
Look at me. Look what I've become.
You have a wonderful time
dating young girls.
Sam, my life's a pile of shit.
It's a pile of shit.
It's empty and pointless.
My sister Gail is right.
If I continue this way,
I'm facing a lifetime alone
without a family.
I don't want to die like Van Gogh.
It's terrifying.
If you want to know the truth,
man, I'd give anything
to have Christine back.
That's the truth.
And sometimes...
God strike me dead for admitting this...
sometimes I think I'd like to be a father.
Ha ha ha!
Sorry. Right. No, you're serious.
You'd make a good dad.
Well, you know, whatever,
but we're getting older.
I think it's time for us to...
to face our responsibilities.
But... But don't lose Rebecca.
She's the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Hey, you guys, it's the 30th.
Your membership fees are due.
My sister takes care of that.
Oh, really?
Wait, wait, did she...
did she say it was the 30th?
Yeah, why?
Shit!
Oh, this isn't happening. No!
Oh!
Today's our second ultrasound.
I've missed it.
I swore I wouldn't miss it!
Uh-oh.
Appointment was at 11:00.
I can make it.
Go!
Y-Yeah.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, sorry.
Dr. Thatcher, please.
She's in there.
Sir, do I have you down for an appointment?
Mr. Faulkner?
She left about 15 minutes ago.
Thanks. Thank you.
Would you like to know the sex?
The sex of the baby?
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Well.
Does Rebecca know?
Yes.
O.K., then.
It's a boy.
A boy.
Thanks.
Thanks very much.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
So...
that means, presumably,
you can actually see his...
whatnot.
Penis.
Penis, yeah, and it's fine...
I mean, size-wise and that kind of stuff?
Perfect.
Good.
Lovely.
And I'm assuming everything else
is as it should be.
You know, lip and eyes in the right spot, and...
nothing whatsoever here?
Everything looks fine.
Here. Watch this with Rebecca.
She forgot to take it.
Yeah. O.K., good.
This is...
That's actually him? That's my son?
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Mr. Faulkner.
Yeah.
Pregnant women need a lot of support.
Be affectionate with her.
Kiss her a lot.
She was pretty emotional earlier.
Right.
Thanks.
Beck?
Hi.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
Beck, wait. I mean, I...
I know I've missed a few appointments.
Look, you don't care about me.
You don't care about this baby.
You're too wrapped up in your own feelings
to deal with this pregnancy.
You're not ready to be a father.
Where will you go?
Marty and Gail's.
Marty and Gail?
I don't want to move in with my parents,
and all my girlfriends are single,
and they don't need
some pregnant person living with them.
Gail and I have gotten to be close.
She knows what it's like to be pregnant.
She'll get me through this.
And the baby?
I'll raise the baby.
Alone?
Yeah.
I'll get an apartment.
I can do it by myself.
B-Beck...
Beck.
The little heart's beating.
Marty, hi.
Is she here?
She never wants to see you again.
Let me talk to her for two seconds.
If I let you, I'll be in the doghouse.
I'll have to live with you.
You're a great kisser, but...
Who is it?
It's my mom, honey.
But your mother's dead!
Yeah, it's really weird!
Marty, please! Just tell her one...
Just...
What do you think of this?
Take a look at this.
You're aiming specifically
at the hotel-room market now, huh?
You're right. It's a hotel-room painting.
That's what it is. It's terrible.
Look at that.
What happened to the nudes?
Oh, they weren't selling.
It's cheaper for guys to buy Playboy.
This is terrible. Bon voyage.
I deep-six it.
Sleep with the fishes.
You're absolutely right.
I can smell the room service on that painting.
But, you know, it's you.
You're around. That's why I'm painting this way.
You're very unhappy.
You're like the antidote to exhilaration.
If I take any more of this in,
I'll be painting cats and clowns.
Is it Rebecca?
You haven't heard from her?
No, I haven't heard from her.
I have told you
so many times,
she refuses to see me.
No. She won't
answer my calls,
reply to my letters.
It's a total...
shutoff.
I've thrown away... thrown away
the most important thing in my life
just like that.
You need a new outlook.
No, no, no. Don't scoff.
Listen... Forget about Rebecca.
How could you
say that to me?
You reminded me
she's the most important
thing in my life
just weeks ago.
I never said that.
I never... I never said that.
You said it
at the tennis court.
Oh, yeah.
So what if I did?
That was then, but it's over,
and you've got to get on with your life.
Listen to this...
Buy some new clothes.
I'm telling you,
we'll learn a new sport,
I'll throw a party,
and you'll meet some new people.
Come on. We'll have some fun!
I don't think so, Sean.
Start with a smile.
Smile, for heaven sakes.
Well, that's hideous,
but... but...
but, you know,
that's... that's... that's the idea.
That's O.K. There you go.
Ohhhh!
Aren't you a little old for this?
You want an ambulance? Watch your step.
Do you want to dance?
No, I...
Come on. Don't be a stiff!
Thanks for the ride home.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
Want to come up for coffee?
No. Thanks, no. I'm just going to...
shoot off.
Oh.
Do you want to come up for sex?
Wow. Ha ha ha!
That's... That's pretty...
direct.
Um...
no. The thing is, Lili, I think...
you're incredibly attractive,
but I think it's just a bit early
for me to get involved,
so I'll take a rain check.
Another day.
Arr, matey.
Will ye be taking it out to drive?
If you travel,
this holds a lot.
You can put a queen-size waterbed in back.
Ever been on a waterbed?
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking for Mr. Dwyer.
He's right over there.
You never have to worry about hemorrhoids.
I'll be right back with you.
Just enjoy the car.
Thanks for coming down, man.
I missed you.
Thanks.
Well, um... this is very painful for me,
but I want to buy a new car.
Buddy! Buddy, it's about time.
We happen to have a few.
How's Rebecca?
She's great.
You're taking care of her?
Gail's taking her shopping,
and they're exercising.
Then I make them dinner every night.
Right. And she's O. K?
Yeah. The first month, she cried a lot,
but she hasn't mentioned you in two weeks.
I think she's getting over you.
This is the car for you.
Listen, Marty, I need to see her.
She doesn't want to see you.
I really have to speak to her, O. K?
I want her back.
That's going to take a lot of convincing.
Do something for me.
Just, um... organize a chance meeting.
Bring her to a grocery store
or a restaurant, and I'm there.
I don't know.
Ask Gail if I could baby-sit your kids Saturday.
You want to baby-sit my kids?
Yes! It's brilliant.
It will convince Rebecca that I like children.
That will get me in trouble with Gail,
and you know how mad she gets.
Marty, please do this for me!
O.K., O.K., I will.
Thanks! Excellent!
Excellent!
Excellent.
Oh! There we go.
This is fun, isn't it?
Yeah!
Isn't this jolly, Molly? Ha ha!
Listen to this.
"I removed the victims' brains
with an ice-cream scooper."
Awesome, huh?
Shannon, the other children here
don't want to hear that beastly stuff,
so just read quietly.
Higher!
Yes. Higher.
Now, Patsy, no. That's not funny, my love.
Don't strangle the little boy.
But he likes it!
Say uncle!
Just... Yes, that's it.
Hey, Sam! Sam!
Oof!
Shit. Sam, are you O. K?
Great. Fine.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. Good.
We're getting on well here.
Is Rebecca coming?
No.
No? Marty, we had an agreement.
She's in the hospital, Sam.
The hospital?
Why? What's wrong?
There might be a problem with the pregnancy.
What are you talking about?
The doctors don't know, but she's with them.
Jesus Christ.
Be careful, Sam!
Hi. Which room is Rebecca Taylor in, please?
615.
Where's that?
Just around the corner.
Gail!
So?
Will she be all right?
Yeah, she's going to be fine.
Oh!
She just started having some contractions,
and she started dilating.
They'll keep her overnight, restrict her movement.
It just sometimes happens in the seventh month.
And the baby's O. K?
Yeah. Baby's great.
So... can I see her?
Don't upset her.
I won't.
Promise?
Yep. Promise.
O.K.
Thanks.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, you know I was worried about...
about you and the baby.
We're going to be fine.
Yeah. That's what Gail said.
Is this... is this noise...
Is that the baby's heartbeat?
Yeah.
Strong.
Yeah.
Beck, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I was, um... a disgrace.
I mean, I know now exactly
what a bastard I was.
I was... I was... completely selfish,
and you had absolutely
every right
to walk out on me.
But I just want you to reconsider.
Sam, please, no...
Let me just explain.
I think...
I know that I've changed.
You don't believe in change.
I do now. Change is great.
Change is what it's all about.
Anyone who doesn't believe in change is a coward,
which is what I was.
I was scared. I was scared of...
of losing control
and of losing, you know,
you or what we had together
and losing my youth.
Aren't you now?
No. No, especially not my youth.
My youth is here,
doing well.
I'd really love to believe this.
Listen, I've seen
the second ultrasound...
The one you left at Dr. Thatcher's
the day I was late.
The point is, I don't care
what I think or don't think anymore.
I don't give a damn about me.
I'm in love with my child.
You are?
And I'm completely in love with you for having it.
Samuel, you almost ruined everything, and...
Shh. Please.
It's the seventh month.
The baby can hear you.
How do you know that?
I've been reading up...
Dr. Brazelton,
What To Expect When You're Expecting.
I've been to a Lamaze class.
I was the only single father there.
Really?
And I sold the Porsche.
Oh, I don't believe that.
Yep. Marty gave me a terrible deal
on a big family car.
He did?
Yes. It's parked outside.
Car seat, family extras.
It just needs a family.
And, um...
there's this.
Open it.
Would you be my wife?
Yes.
Yes!
On one condition.
O.K.
Lose the earring.
It's gone.
Ah!
Thank you.
I've always wanted
to be carried over a threshold.
Unh.
Are you all right?
Yeah. I've got something to show you.
Yeah?
Oh, Samuel.
It's...
It's beautiful.
You did this all by yourself?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
It's perfect.
How are you feeling, love?
Oh, O.K.
My feet are really swollen.
My back's killing me.
Well, look.
Leave this to me.
I'm going to pull a few strings.
All right.
Hi. Look, I'm sorry to bother you.
My wife's pregnant, she's due in two weeks,
and I was wondering...
Lili.
Samuel. Oh.
Hi. What a coincidence.
How... How long... How long...
How long have you been working here?
Three weeks.
How are things?
Busy.
Obviously.
So listen, Lili,
how long is the wait for a table going to be?
Give me a few minutes.
I'll seat you right away.
O.K. Great.
Great.
Well, succes.
She's just setting the table now.
You know her?
Who?
The hostess.
The hostess?
I've never seen her before in my life.
Samuel!
She called you Samuel.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's my name.
Yeah, but you're on a first-name basis
with a woman you've never seen before?
Well, she took my first name. See?
Some places take the first name.
Some places, they use last names.
Here, they use first names.
Oh.
You're silly.
You're paranoid.
Oh.
Go on.
Aah!
What is it?
Aah... shit!
What? What?
I cut my hand.
Wow, that's bad.
Samuel...
Hang on. This is quite serious.
That needs stitches.
Samuel, my water broke.
We'll get you another.
No. My water broke.
This water broke?
Yeah.
That means it's time.
That's right.
We got to go to the hospital.
Well, go! Go!
Wait! Wait for me!
I got the doctor's machine again.
Where could he be,
at some bloody doctor's party?
Come on. Please go faster.
When did you sell the Porsche?
I knew it.
What, hon?
You slept with her, didn't you,
while we were apart?
It was completely innocent.
Nothing happened.
I was completely faithful to you.
Lili, wasn't I completely faithful?
Completely faithful.
I don't believe you.
If it was innocent,
why did you lie about knowing her?
Because you were in a fragile state.
I'm in a more fragile state now.
I swear on the life of my child
I did not sleep with her.
Samuel, stop!
Jeez!
- Aah! - Aah!
Oh.
Jesus.
You stupid son of a bitch!
He has a heart condition!
Learn to drive!
What?
George, are you all right?
I'm having chest pains.
I'll call an ambulance.
Look, I'm on the way to the hospital,
if you'd like a ride.
Where is Dr. Green?
Get off the phone and drive,
Limey scumbag!
Leave me alone, you mad witch!
Aah!
Sorry. Where is Dr. Green?
You tried his home number?
Yes.
His beeper?
Yes. No!
You have that number?
Yeah. It's around here somewhere.
Oh, where is that bloody number?
Uh...
Samuel?
It's a bicycle!
Aah!
Jesus.
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
My leg is broken.
Help me!
Yes. Help!
Just stay there. Just stay there.
Are you trying to kill everyone in San Francisco,
you asshole?
We don't have time for this!
My husband is having a heart attack!
Oh! Ow!
Ohh!
Ow! Where are you taking me?
Shut up or I'll break the other leg!
Ah! You! Over here!
I've got stitches, heart attack, woman in labor,
oh, and broken leg.
Aah!
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, my God.
Come quick!
Aah! Aah!
O.K.
Yeah, I got it. I got it.
Unh! Unh!
Aah!
Please. Please.
She's... Please.
Oh!
Lady, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's all right, honey.
I beg your pardon.
It's all right.
Aah!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Get me out of here.
May I help you?
Rebecca Faulkner for Dr. Green.
Her water's broken.
I'll get the doctor.
Come on. Move!
Hey! Don't push me.
I'll get the doctor.
How are you?
The baby's ready.
What do you mean, ready?
To come out!
Jesus Christ almighty,
where is the bloody doctor?
Here I am.
- Aah! - Aah!
Please don't do that.
No. No.
Hi. Where's Dr. Green?
Where's our doctor?
Miami.
He's on vacation. You are two weeks early.
You're not the replacement doctor, are you?
Yes, I am.
No. No.
I want someone else.
There is nobody else.
There must be! Find me another doctor!
There's no one else! All right?
It is a full moon.
Everybody has gone into labor. Look around!
There are not enough doctors and nurses.
There are not enough delivery rooms.
Unless you want to deliver this baby yourself,
follow me!
Ow!
Oh, God! I'm O.K.
I'm a little nervous, O. K?
It's my first delivery.
If there aren't any rooms,
where is she having the baby?
I'll put her with another patient.
We're sharing a room?
I'm sorry. We're a little overbooked, O. K?
Let's go. Let's go.
Get this woman
on the delivery table immediately,
if not later.
Come on. Let's go.
Where are you taking me?
You're looking good.
You're dilated to 7 centimeters.
How much is that?
O. K? Got it?
She's very good, O. K?
You look uncomfortable.
I'm going to raise you down.
No! Don't touch anything!
All right. Get somebody over here!
Hey, buddy.
No!
What are you doing here?
I'm cruising for chicks.
I'm having a baby!
Hi. Hi!
How you feeling?
Isn't this terrible, just terrible?
Sounds very good.
Where's my husband?
It's a full moon!
Women are spouting them out!
Good. Everybody's old friends.
Back to work!
Smile, Doc.
How's she doing?
Great. God bless America, O. K?
Ooh...
Honey, smile for me.
I love you. Smile. You're so beautiful.
It's not bad, is it? It doesn't hurt.
I want something for the pain.
O.K. I'll get you something.
Knock me out!
Knock me ow-ow-ow...
Give her something for the pain!
You don't want natural childbirth?
No!
O.K. You want Anastasia?
What?
Drugs, yes?
Yes!
Give me a moment. I'm thinking.
You mean you don't know?
Kind of.
Think, you Commie bastard!
Shut up, you Limey prick!
Sorry.
I can't take the pressure.
Don't yell at me.
Yes. Yes. It's fine.
Oh...
Valium.
Valium's no good for her!
No, for me!
No!
I've got it!
Oh, thank God!
Nurse, call the anesthesiologist.
This woman needs an enema.
An enema?
- Enema? - Enema?
No. Uh... she needs a pedicure!
This ain't no beauty parlor.
Epitaph.
She's not dead, you moron!
Epidermis? What is it, Epilady?
Epidural, asshole!
That's right! Yes! That's what I mean.
Epidural. Epidural.
I always get those confused...
enema, pedicure, epidermal.
I should buy myself a clitoris.
A thesaurus.
You don't know what a clitoris is.
What are you doing? Go away from here.
I'm proud of you. I love you.
I hate you!
You did this to me,
you miserable piece of dick-brained horseshit
slime-sucking son of a whore bitch!
That's perfect, sweetheart.
The kids will love it. I'll put it...
Ooh!
Get out! Get out! You're the one!
You are the one!
Hi, everyone. I'm Dr. Newsoe.
I'm here to administer the epidural.
Oh, yes! Thank God!
You inject that thing into my wife?
Mm-hmm. Right into her spine.
Mm-hmm. Good. Excellent.
Whoa... hey!
Look, you see?
That is why women have the babies...
because men can't handle the pa-aa...
Hey, you guys!
Get some smelling salts
and get these men up off the floor!
Help me! Help me!
I need some help. I need some help.
Oh!
- Aah! - Aah!
No time for an epidural.
Why?
No time, Doctor.
I checked her cervix. She's dilated to 10.
Doctor, this woman is also dilated to 10.
Hi, everybody. Smile big!
Give me a smile.
What are you doing?
I'm making you a souvenir. Isn't it great?
Get that thing off her face!
Give it to me!
No! I got a great shot of the head!
Asshole.
You broke my camera.
Ooh!
Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
Bastard!
Be right back.
It's too late for the medication!
Hold on! I'm coming!
Whoa! Oh!
Keep breathing.
Breathe. Breathe.
Oh!
I cannot believe you're fighting now!
This is my moment.
Your moment.
This is my miracle.
Samuel!
Aah! Oh!
5, 6, 7...
Now we're ready
for the final push, all right?
And you push!
There you go!
And... she's out!
Nurse.
The clamp.
There we go. And the scissors.
And she's free from you.
You have a girl, unless I cut the wrong cord.
Bad joke.
Go see Papa.
O.K.
Congratulations, Papa.
You have a big, beautiful girl.
Can we still call her Samuel?
She's not yours. She's yours.
No, she's not.
I've already got three girls!
Four, actually, counting this one.
Holy shit!
Oh...
Aah! Aah!
What's going on here, honey?
I bought all that cowboy stuff
and the sports stuff and all the other stuff.
Is there another one in there, honey?
Isn't she beautiful?
Yes, but how's she going to play for the 49ers?
She could play.
No. You think so?
Yeah. She could do anything.
Yeah.
A pretty good arm.
Push!
1, 2, 3, 4...
5, 6, 7, 8...
9, 10.
Come on. Work for your baby.
Aah!
All right!
I know it hurts, but you have to come back now.
Listen to me, O. K?
I don't want you to tear.
You have to control your push.
It's burning. It's burning.
Pant.
There you go. The baby's head is out.
Bulb syringe.
One more push, and you will see your baby.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
That's it... the final push!
There we go. Ready?
Easy. Easy.
Go, baby!
And... he's out!
You had it!
Another clamp, please.
Another clamp.
Open your eyes.
Take a look at your son.
You have a boy.
A beautiful boy.
Say hello to Papa.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thank you for choosing me.
He's very handsome.
He's got very big testicles, too.
Well, yes. He would have.
Hey.
Thanks.
See this?
I know. It's great, isn't it?
We...
We're a family.
Thanks.
Hey.
I think she's looking at me.
She's got your eyes.
Think so?
Yeah, and your hair,
and your figure, in fact.
Shut up.
I guess having another girl's not so bad.
You just have to keep trying for a boy.
Think of all the new positions.
Yeah.
Jesus, poor Gail.
Listen, I'm sorry about your camera.
No. I was out of line.
It's my fault.
Mart, um...
I, uh...
I just want to say thanks.
For what?
Well, for today,
for, um...
Without you and Gail,
I just probably wouldn't be here,
probably wouldn't be a dad, so...
You're welcome, buddy.
I love you, man.
And I love you, big guy!
Hey, we did it, huh?
I'm sorry about what happened.
Oh, no, no.
No, really. We underestimated you.
Without you?
Come on. We make a great team!
Hey, Doc, have you been celebrating a little bit?
Just a little.
Come on. We'll crack another bottle, O. K?
I'll be right back,
but first I have to circumcise your son.
O.K.
What?
Shit! Dr. Kosevich...
I'll go.
Shh-shh-shh.
Hi.
Sorry if we woke you. He was tense.
I thought we'd have a bit of dancing.
Very good for tension.
Want to dance with Mummy?
She's a professional.
She's better than me.
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