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[ Whistling ]
This is one story I may not get to file in person,
so I'll have to talk fast because it's after me.
Claustrophobia has long been part of the human experience,
from the Cro-Magnon all the way up to Freud.
So if you ever happen to find yourself underground, and I mean deep underground,
don't linger in the shadows.
[ Engine Off]
[ Kolchak Narrating ] April 20, 3:30 p.m.
Dr.James Verhyden, three Ph.D. 's in geology...
and well-known seismic expert,
was poking around in an undeveloped tunnel...
of the underground Merrymount Archive mine complex.
Verhyden knew instantly he had found something extraordinary.
So did his tool packer, Howard Kimper.
Howard, hand me the pick.
Power, can you get it up?
[ Tapping ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Kolchak Narrating ] Howard Kimper was a good worker. He did what he was told.
At least that's what people would say about him at his funeral.
[ Roars ]
[ Kolchak Narrating ] 1 0:00 a.m., one day after the death of Howard Kimper,
in the same underground complex, only this time Sector "M. '"
Business as usual, all except for journeyman electrician Larry Coogan.
Coogan had complained to his friends that he didn't like working so far underground.
He said it felt like working a tomb.
Today he would learn how right he was.
[ Clattering, Crash ]
[ Yells ]
[ Kolchak Narrating ] Detective in charge of the case was Lieutenant Irene Lamont.
She was a fast riser, a one-woman phenomenon of the Chicago P.D.
Her detractors said Irene's success was owed only to her looks and her alluring femininity.
Her supporters were usually too moonstruck to say anything.
Lieutenant Lamont, why are you holding back details on this death?
Lieutenant? Oh, Brian, why so formal?
Well, Irene, it's just the department's attitude is hard to understand on this.
[ Sighs ] You haven't answered the man's question yet, Lieutenant.
Just what is the police department's involvement with routine industrial accidents anyway?
Routine investigation, Ed.
Everything's routine around here, Lieutenant. You're getting in a rut.
Oh, not me, Carl. No, speak for yourself.
Hey, listen, fellas. My desk is piled high with work in there.
If I don't get to it, they're gonna boot me back to Traffic.
Now would you really want that to happen?
Hate to see you back in uniform, if that's what you mean, Irene.
Thanks, Ed.
Oh, you-you schnooks.
Hey, ease up on her, Kolchak. She's just doing her job.
Yeah, sure, yeah. So was Adolf Eichmann.
Listen, Kolchak. I'd like to take the lady out.
You do anything to bring her down on reporters,
you'll have to send away for mail-order teeth. You dummy.
Dum-dums. Dum-dums. Mm-hmm.
All right, Lieutenant, let's talk turkey. Now-
[ Turns Recorder Off] Carl, I like ya. I really do.
I mean, I like your style. I like your savoir faire.
I like your directness, the way you take over a situation.
I even like the way you dress. Yeah, yeah, okay, but?
But we've got nothing to talk about. Okay, Irene.
I like you too.
I like your nose and your eyes and your earlobes and all of that. Okay?
So, now because we like each other so much,
why don't you elucidate the rumor that I have heard...
about you not allowing the relatives to identify the bodies.
[ Slaps Desk ] There you go. You see, that's how rumors get started.
Now, in fact, we had identified the bodies from the I.D. they were carrying.
We didn't forbid the relatives from seeing the bodies.
It's just that they were, well, they were so badly mangled...
that we thought we would, well, save them all that misery and anguish.
Yeah.
Why haven't you told us anything about the way they were killed or what the accidents were? What?
Carl, when you're dealing with the Merrymount Archive Corporation-
Yeah? Well, there are very special problems.
I mean, they store corporate records.
They even store records for the federal government. Uh-huh.
I mean, now we are just following ordinary security precautions.
Oh. Well, what ordinary security precautions? What? Whose?
Carl, I really am terribly busy, and I can't go into it now. I have an awful lot of things to do.
Yeah, yeah, right, right, you're gonna be late for the autopsy report on the electrician.
Right? Right.
Carl!
[ Man ] Autopsy on Lawrence Earl Coogan.
Conducted by Lamar Beckwith. Assisted by Drs. Gordon, Phillips.
Dr., uh-
Uh, Kolchakovsky.
I am new here. I just transferred from Interlaken.
I was... told to come down and observe your procedures.
Doctor, why are you wearing a mask? I have a cold.
Please step back a little. I'm very susceptible. Yes, of course. Certainly.
Length of body, 7 1 inches and three-quarters.
Well, it looks like our dear coroner wants a little privacy.
Mm.Just like the first man.
Deep puncture marks, like- like teeth. Teeth. Did you say teeth?
Yes, teeth. And not dog's teeth either.
These teeth marks are not those of a mammal but of a reptile.
This man was bitten to death by a crocodile?
Well, it's Wednesday. I think I'll go out on the golf course and hit a bucket of balls.
Thank you, gentlemen, for your assistance.
[ Kolchak Narrating ] Merrymount Archive Incorporated...
was really two miles below the welcome mat. [ Whistling ]
Acre upon acre of underground storage vaults,
packed with computer tapes bearing corporate records from three continents.
"Preservation through perpetuity'" was the company motto.
Uh, excuse me. Can I help you, sir?
Well, I certainly hope so, yes. My company's interested in leasing storage space here.
How soon could I get an estimate? I've gotta catch the 5:00 plane for Winnipeg.
Well, we can see to it that you catch that big bird with plenty of time to spare.
Splendid. I'm Jack Flaherty.
I'm the vice president and general sales manager. Uh-huh.
What did you say the name of your firm was? International Nickel Syndicate.
I.N.S. It's Carl Kolchak. I don't think I've ever heard of that firm.
Well, we're a new, young, growing cartel. I just got in from Santiago.
Well, precious metals do command quite a bit of respect these days. Yes, yes. Aren't we going down?
Oh, well, I'll tell you, Mr. Kolchak. This is a very bad day for us.
You see, we're opening up a new sector, and it's quite-
Jack, I said I'm in a very big rush. I told you I just got in from Santiago.
I've gotta get up to Winnipeg, and then I go on from there to Hangzhou and then back to Albuquerque.
Yes, but I'll tell you, Mr. Kolchak. I can give you an estimate.
You see? And then you could see the facilities another time.
Well, there is no other time, unfortunately, you see.
It doesn't matter though. You gotta break eggs in order to make an omelet.
Come on,Jack.
[ Elevator Whirring ] You better brace yourself.
We're descending at the rate of 200 feet per second, Mr. Kolchak.
Uh, Carl, Carl. Don't tell me, tell my stomach, Mr. Flaherty.
Oh, you can call meJack. Jack? Jack.
Well, you'll be glad to know we've reached the 1 0,000-foot level. We're decelerating.
Ten thousand feet. Mm.
You know, the services that we can offer you, Carl, are quite varied.
Huh. You see, we have the conventional microdot storage.
Mm-hmm. And the magnetic tape in our computer banks.
We even have the more advanced space-saving magnetic disks.
Oh, really. That's terrific. We can use all of it. All of it.
[ Elevator Bell Dings ] All right. Oh.
You'll find our facilities here are quakeproof, floodproof...
and could even withstand nuclear holocausts.
Oh, yeah, you mean when everything turns to glass upstairs,
Ma Bell will still be able to tell us what our phone bill is, huh? That's right.
Well, Mr. Flaherty, how do you like it, huh? Like what, Chapman?
Oh, you haven't answered your phone messages lately, huh?
Well, when you do, you'll find there's a call in from our union liaison man.
Look, me and my men ain't gonna work down in this place...
the way things have been going on, unless we get extra compensation.
That's fine, Chapman, but I don't think that this is the time or the place...
to discuss union-management relations.
Yeah, that's fine. Wait till you hear our package of demands.
It's this recession. It's got everybody in a bad mood. What recession?
[ Sighs ] That looks like Kolchak's yellow submarine.
Come on.
Did a guy come in here wearing a seersucker suit with red hair?
There was a Mr. Kolchak. I believe he was with a nickel firm in New Mexico.
He's got nothing to do with nickel. He's the proverbial bad penny. Now, where is he?
You name it, we store it. Everything from the family jewels...
to corporate tax records to private property deeds.
And it's all handled in the strictest of confidence.
Yeah, speaking of confidence, uh, I heard you had a little trouble down here.
Oh, yes, very unfortunate.
However, I'm not at liberty to discuss it. You know, insurance regulations.
Yeah, but I hear a man was killed. I mean, mauled badly.
Yes, well, in an operation of this sort, Carl,
one has to expect one or two industrial accidents.
Yes, of course, certainly. Uh, what's down there, huh?
Oh,j-just some more data.
You see, some of our clients desire optimum security.
Oh, your client's a tall fella with a tall white hat and stars and stripes...
and a white beard named Sam? [ Laughs ]
Boy, you are astute, Carl. So are you,Jack.
Why don't you come on over here and I'll show you our nerve center?
I've been asking for it till I'm blue in the face.
It's gonna be Utah all over again.
Did I ever- Did I ever tell you what happened to me in Utah?
- Only a few times. - Well, he just doesn't underst-
Oh, this is it. Well, speak of the devil, and he shall appear.
Just when do I get my locks changed on my office and storeroom?
Now I put the working order in. I'm doing everything I can.
Don't you think you're just being a little oversensitive?
Paranoid? I said oversensitive.
""Paranoid,'' is that what you're trying to say? There are no paranoids in the Soviet Union.
Do you know why? Because everybody there is being watched and plotted against.
Only the insane man feels secure. And it's the same thing here.
Mysterious occurrences.
Strange people who aren't what they appear to be. For example,just who are you?
Dr. Verhyden, please. This is a potential new client.
And I am Mickey Mantle.
You're in on this. You're in on this.
And if you're not, you are a pathetic judge of character.
Now look, I don't have to take that from you.
Get the locks changed or I'll go over your head.
I'm sorry about that. No, no, forget it.
I know someone almost just like him. Who is he?
Dr.James Verhyden, honcho of the government seismic lab.
This is a good place for long-range quake readings. We're in a very stable area.
Yes, but the question is: Is the doctor himself stable?
[ Laughs ] Uh, yeah.
Say, who was he talking about when he said that people aren't what they appear to be?
Oh, forgive my manners. Carl Kolchak, this is Ruth Van Galen.
She's the director of our data storage.
She's gonna be putting the whole history of your company on tape.
No, no, she's not. No, no, not the whole history, no. [ Laughs ]
Let me show you some of the hardware. Yes, yes, of course.
[ Phone Ringing ] Oh, the A-52.
Yes. Yes. Oh,Jack, it's for you.
Excuse me. Mm, certainly.
Topside. Thank you.
Yes. Lieutenant Lamont?
Well, I've been walking the facility with a new customer. Put her on.
Yes, Lieutenant, this is Jack Flaherty.
Well, yes, he is. As a matter of fact, he's right here with-
[ Kicks Machine ]
Hi there. Mind if I sit down?
Well,just how are your union dealings coming along?
Slow is how they're coming along.
The only thing that happens fast around here are accidents.
Bang, bang. Two of them just like that.
- What do you think caused those accidents? - You ain't no buyer.
You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm down here undercover.
Well, you're too late. I had a lot to tell you police yesterday, but nobody ever listens to me.
I'm not a cop. Do I look like a cop? Then who are you? Come on.
My name's Carl Kolchak. I'm an insurance investigator.
Now, if you can help me, I, uh, I can make it worth your while.
How do you know how much my while is worth?
[ Chuckles ] Very good. Okay?
I make more than that in 1 0 minutes.
How about two of'em?
All right. Now that first man to die, uh, Kimper, was that his name?
Yeah, exactly what happened? Nobody really knows.
Except that he worked for that Dr. Verhyden.
That eight ball.
Yeah, that doctor does seem to have some problems.
My heart bleeds. Listen, I got problems too. They're coming out of my ears.
- Yeah, I'm sure. - You know what the big tragedy in his life is?
No. Well, he used to teach college, right?
He was out in Utah, and he uncovers these valuable rocks.
Well, it was a feather in his cap. As far as I'm concerned, a rock is a rock.
Anyway, he crates these rocks, and he's gonna send them east on a flatcar.
[ Laughs ] Well, along comes this other geologist,
erases Verhyden's name from the crates,
puts his own name on the crates and has them shipped back to himself.
He gets all the credit. That's why Verhyden goes around crying the blues.
That's-That's- Yeah, tell me, where was Kimper's body found?
- Sector ""R,'' swill hole. - Swill hole?
Yeah, it's a natural rock tunnel. Hasn't been used since salt mining days.
Couple ofhot springs down there have caused a lot of seepage.
They can't store their valuable computer tapes in a steam bath.
The electrician- Was his name Coogan? Was he killed in Sector ""R'' too?
No, his body was found in Sector "M. '"
- Uh-huh. And where's Sector ""M''? - Have they changed the alphabet?
- No. - Well, then ""M'' comes before ""R.''
Sector ""M'' is on the way to Sector ""R.''
That's all. Sure.
[ Bell Dinging ] Now what?
That phony alarm.
They want me and my men to go around looking for trespassers.
You know something? I am not in security.
I'm gonna call the union the first thing tomorrow morning. You mark my words.
Yeah, excuse me. How do I get out to Sections ""M'' and ""R''?
You just follow the signs, that's all.
But let me tell you something, buddy.
You're a fool to go out there without getting extra hazard pay.
Yeah. Well, thanks a lot. It's been very pleasant chatting with you.
Oh, God.
[ Sets Parking Brake ]
Now let me see.
Sector S-Y.
Sector ""L.''
[ Glass Crunches ]
[ Growling ]
[ Yells ]
Ahh!
[ Growling ]
[ Growls ]
Uh-uh, wait a minute. Okay, Carl, come on. Come on.
There's something out there.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing you've been getting some exercise, Carl,
because there isn't much room in the slammer. Are you listening to me?
I said there's something out there. Uh-huh. Well, you're under arrest, Dr. Kolchakovsky.
Well- Under arrest for what? Impersonating a doctor.
I could have had you outside the morgue. And then there's trespassing in a security area.
I did- But are you listening to me? What are you doing to my camera?
Gimme those pictures. I got pictures of it.
Carl, this is a classified area. There are no pictures allowed. Will you listen to me, please?
I thought there was something suspicious about him right from the first.
So I figured if I went along, gave him enough rope, he'd hang himself.
- Oh, you did, did you? - Yes.
Will you listen to me, please? We are listening, Carl.
All right. Now this is gonna be very hard to believe.
It's gonna sound silly, but there is some kind of a strange...
reptilian lizard monster out there.
I mean, none of us is safe.
Carl, will you just come quietly?
No, no, it's in Sector ""M.'' That's where Coogan-
The lady asked you to leave quietly. Me? I don't care how you go.
Get him out of here! No, no, now wait. Watch the shoulders.
Mr. Flaherty, I am terribly sorry. You won't be bothered by Kolchak anymore.
Okay, fellas.
[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
All right, all right,just watch it. You're pulling on the handcuffs.
They're also tight. That's the guy.
Just a second.
I'll take charge of this man. Merely have one of your men sign a waiver.
It won't take any of your time at all. Don't touch the goods.
He's in my custody. I keep him.
No, he trespassed in a security area. That's my jurisdiction.
I already had him on a previous count. Now let's not argue.
Very well. It's your responsibility.
Hey, wait. Who's that hardnose?
Water department. Can't you read? Water dep-
They're having some problems with the pipes downstairs. You know, because of the accident.
Accident? That accident was caused by one big lizard.
What does the water department wanna bust me for, huh? Leaky faucets? Carl-
Listen, you all know that something's going on down there. Why don't you listen to me?
Carl- That big lizard down there was at least eight-
Carl, have you ever been maced?
Maced?
No, no, I haven't actually.
Will you-Will you stop lifting so high, please? It hurts the arms.
Open up the door. All right. All right.
I hope you're happy. Bailing you out of jail has released about a quart of hydrochloric acid in my gut.
Not to mention missing lunch, which is murder on my digestion.
Yeah, but, Tony, it was worth it, almost.
Listen, I got some pictures in here like you wouldn't- Carl, Carl, Carl!
I don't wanna hear anything more about that giant newt.
I want you to keep away from the authorities at Merrymount.
I'll rip the lid off of this lizard creature affair.
And I'm gonna find out who those guys in the water department really are.
And, you, stop talking with your mouth full.
Don't tell me what to do with my mouth. And what guys are you talking about in what water department?
Stay tuned, and you'll hear the next installment.
Yeah, hello. Is Arnie Wisemore there?
Arnie Wisemore? Isn't he in prison?
No, of course not. He's out on parole.
Hello, Arnie? Hey, Carl Kolchak here.
Yeah, I got a small job for you to do.
No, absolutely not.
No, look. I know he's my boss, but I don't want you to break his arms.
No, Arnie. All I want you to do is deliver a package.
Yeah, well, I can't give you the details right now, so I'll call you a little later.
- What did he say about me? - Arnie? Not a thing.
Carl, look. I don't want you to get involved with that crumb. Just drop the whole thing right now.
Just drop the whole thing right now. Uh-huh. Right.
Just what did Lieutenant Irene Lamont do to you, hmm?
Did she run her fingers through your hair and tousle your curls...
and compliment you on your aftershave lotion?
Now don't be ridiculous. She is a charming woman. Uh-huh, yeah.
But this was strictly an executive decision, based on the study of the matter.
Based on the study of her legs, you mean. Look, look, Carl.
The lieutenant and I have an understanding like two professionals.
I told her that I would agree to backpedal a while, to keep you from hindering her investigation.
And she, in turn, agreed that if anything major happened in Merrymount,
she would call the exclusive directly to me.
- To you. - To me.
- Not to me. - No.
- To you. - Yes.
You sucker. You better learn the tune ""All Alone on the Telephone,'' 'cause she ain't never gonna call.
They've got a lid on this thing, and I think it comes from very high up.
If that were true, if that were the case, she would have told me about it.
- She would have? - Yes.
- You really believe that? - I do.
You know, I think all that bicarbonate you've been drinking has put bubbles in your brain.
The issue is not my intake of bicarbonate. The issue is how you follow my directives.
Now, I'm trying to establish a professional working rapport with this lieutenant.
Oh, that's what you're- And I don't want you jeopardizing it.
Now you've aggravated this sweet, young woman,
in spite of all the kindnesses she's extended to you.
Kindness? Yes.
That sweet, young woman is about as kind as an S.S. Sturmbannfuhrer.
Carl, listen to me! I'm leaving. I'm going up to Merrymount!
Vincenzo! Don't yell like you always do.
It'll rile your bile.
[ Burps, Sighs ]
[ Pounding ]
They make lousy pets. Hmm?
Crocodiles. Not only won't they fetch your slippers but they'll eat your feet.
[ Chuckles ]
You know, not one of these things stands upright like a man. Not one.
Well, of course not. If God had wanted crocodiles to stand upright,
he'd have given them alligator shoes. [ Laughs ]
Aw, come on, Kolchak, these are the jokes.
I used to do all the emcee work and the stand-up comedy in the prison talent show.
Yeah, well, I can see why they're anxious to put you out of parole.
I'm not talking just about crocodiles. I'm talking about all these reptiles in here.
I mean, there's not one like what I saw.
It says in here though that some reptiles,
you know, like sidewinder snakes, it says that they're photophobic.
Photophobic. It means that they don't like the light.
- Oh, good for them. - Yeah.
You ready to go?
Yeah, yeah, sure. You ready?
Yeah, yeah, this is it here, huh?
Yep. Now you're sure this is gonna do it?
You're questioning my professional judgment now?
Arnie, this is Kolchak you're rapping with, remember?
Kolchak? I know your record.
Look, that last problem with the Mexican border would have never happened...
if somebody would have remembered to soundproof the hearse properly.
And to put on lipstick. His wig was crooked too.
I mean, if you're gonna run parrots into the country,
you gotta lay out some cash for decent soundproofing.
Parrots. I'll never forget that feeling,
when that third voice in the back started squawking,
"Buenos dias. Buenos dias. '" [ Squawks ]
All right, come on. You just make sure you get me there, right?
Don't worry. Watch the hat.
You are now a precision instrument.
[ Elevator Whirring ]
Officer, all we found up in Sector "R'" were large agate specimens.
Howard was fine when I left. I saw nothing unusual.
[ Lamont ] Well, let's just hear it one more time.
You're the last person to see Kimper alive.
[ Chattering ]
[ Machinery Whirring ]
Phew! What stinks in here?
[ Door Opens ]
What are you doing in my office? Aren't these the strangest little rocks you've ever seen?
Put that down. What are they?
It's an alloy I've been working with. Now put it down.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Now, you're sure this is not the agate that you and Howard Kimper found?
No. I'll give you 30 seconds to leave.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Did you hear something?
No. Now get out!
Yeah, yeah, right,just as soon as you show me that agate that you found, and I won't bug you anymore.
Where do you get off that I have to show you anything?
I am through letting people steal from me.
Once on a dig in Utah,
I slaved months to uncover some Pleistocene strata-
Yeah, it's all right, Doc. It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch you.
Tell me, what do you think you've got in here...
that's so important that somebody would wanna steal it?
That? It can't be that.
Say, it's funny. These seem more like eggshells. Do these look like eggs to you?
No! Now-
That's funny. What do you know about reptiles?
Nothing. They're not in my field. Put that down!
Yeah, well, they're not in mine either, but I know one when I saw one.
And I saw one. A huge one here. Did you find these in Sector ""R''?
Now, I am tired of your questions.
I have no desire to discuss reptiles with you or anything else.
And I'll have you arrested again. Yeah, sure, sure.
One more question, Doc, if you don't- [ Clattering ]
Will you get outta here? Get out!
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
You want me to open this, huh? [ Lamont ] Uh-huh.
You know, if all the film that I've shot that's been confiscated by the cops...
were laid end to end, I'd have enough film to shoot War and Peace.
Including a travelogue and a cartoon .
Again, what were you and Verhyden talking about?
Again? Rocks.
Carl, if he had any information that would shed light on this, you better start belching it up,
or I guarantee you a graduate degree in license plate making...
down at the state farm.
Whatever happened...
to the sweet Irene Lamont that we all know and love, hmm?
All those poor bums down in the press department are always singing that pretty refrain-
Irene, Irene, the loveliest cop I've ever seen
You don't know how bad I can be.
Oh, I got a pretty good idea, baby.
Lieutenant Lamont, uh,
if you don't mind.
Relax, Mr. Kolchak, relax. Cigarette?
Uh, no, no, thanks No, I don't smoke.
I read the surgeon general's report. [ Chuckles ]
Look, I don't know how long I can hold off, Miss Lamont.
She wants to bust you bad.
Now I don't know why you won't cooperate.
Open up with me. Open up, huh?
Yeah, well, you see, it's little things,
uh, like how you've kept a lid on all this mess, General.
- Colonel. - Colonel.
You'll make general. Yeah, you see, you're thinking...
maybe that there's more of these creatures around, huh?
Maybe they'll get into your secret silos, your underground missile and SAC bases down there.
Maybe they have already, huh? Well, did you ever think...
that they might be down there in the subways too and underground tunnels?
And underground garages? Did you ever think about that?
I mean, when are you gonna warn the general public about this?
When we feel the time is right.
And who is ""we''? Hey!
He's gone! Check the hall.
[ Clattering ]
[ Running Footsteps ]
No, no, easy, easy. Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, look, did Verhyden keep all his specimens in his lab?
Verhyden's dead, and I'm gettin' outta here! No, no, wait.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. No, look, Verhyden found something the creature's after.
And I gotta find it and take it up topside. You're on your own!
No, wait. What about your hazard pay?
Fink.
[ Pounding ]
[ Growling ]
[ Hammer Clatters ]
It's an egg.
[ Growling ]
So here I am. In a few minutes, it'll be here too.
If I don't make it and this tape is ever found, you'll at least know what happened.
[ Growling ]
My only hope is it'll take this nest and go.
If it won't, then good luck.
[ Growling ]
Back! Back!
Back!
[ Yells ]
I know what's gonna happen now.
As far as the authorities are concerned, the events of April 20 and 21 will never have occurred.
They-They're gonna tell me that if I ever breathe a word of this,
they're gonna break me like a straw man.
Now what about the sentry?
Will its eggs hatch in the warm, dark, dank dampness of its nesting place?
Who knows? Maybe the government will find the nest, maybe they won't.
We'll probably never know. But if you're in a subway...
or a pedestrian tunnel underneath a ballpark,
and you think you hear something moving in the walls,
it may not be your imagination.
Take my advice, don't walk, run to the nearest exit.
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