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I love you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
Baby...
Baby, your breath smells like dog food.
Just a hint of Rottweiler butt.
You're on notice, Rocco.
When Felicia moves in, you have to clean up your act.
Bon appêtit.
I have a very big surprise for you.
A very big surprise.
I know you're dying to know, I won't tell you, no matter how much you beg.
No. Not even a hint.
Wow, this is incredible, Jerry. What 's this all about?
Felicia, from the first moment I met you, I...
I mean... from the first moment I saw you...
- What I'm trying to say, Felicia... - You look sick all of a sudden.
Are you alright?
Motion sickness.
The reason why I brought you up here is to tell you...
...to say... - Yes?
- To ask, to communicate... - Just spit it out.
I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it!
Don't cover me in puke and try and call me baby.
I'll make it up to you, Felicia.
- Will you marry me? - No.
Thank you. You made me the happiest... What?
- I met someone. - Met someone?
Andrê and I have all the things that we don't, Jerry.
- Andrê? - I introduced you once.
He details my BMW.
You dump me for a guy who goes to work in a jumpsuit and rubber boots?
Andrê and I connect on a level that you and I just never could.
Jerry, I'm so sorry.
She dumped us, Rocco.
I know you don't care. You can lick your own balls.
I' m not in. Leave a message, or don't leave a message. Whatever.
Hello Jerry,it's me. Pick up.
Dude,I know you're there.
Come on,quit acting like a little kid. You're so immature.
Pick up now, or I'm gonna fart into the phone.
Leave me alone. I'm wallowing in self-pity.
It 's time to rejoin the living, Jerry. Come on, we're going out tonight.
- Not interested. - Saddle up dough, baloney pony.
It 's operation "Storm in the Foxholes". China Club, 21:OO hours.
Ourobjective? Penetrate the enemy.
- Stop calling me. I'm not going. - This is nonnegotiable,Jerry.
Either meet me tonight, or I'm gonna ask out your sister.
And you know she'll go 'cause she's freaky like that. We both know her.
- Hang up. The toilet 's stuffed up. - I gotta go, there's an emergency.
I gotta go. See ya.
Thanks for fitting me in today, Daniel. I'm so tight.
Go really deep this time.
Give it to me harder.
Harder.
Come on, Daniel. Is this the best you can do?
Ragoni, what the hell are you doing?
I was just warming up for you.
- Marshall, is that you? - Nick!
Hey! Long time no see. How you doing?
You've got to give me the name of your new escort service.
Cut it out, Nick.
This is my fiancêe. Sheri. She ain't no escort skank.
- She and I are in love. - That 's right.
Marshall here is the most interesting and exciting man I've ever met.
- And he's a wonderful lover. - Oh, I get it, she's retarded.
Actually she's one of the sharpest bartenders at Hooters.
Marshy. Excuse me, fellas. I'm going to attend to the landing strip.
- And classy, too. - We met on a cruise.
There's just something about the ocean air, the sun.
It really makes it easier to meet people. We connected right away.
Very first night.
- With her? Very first night? - Yes!
There are dozens of women just as friendly as her on board.
Dude, I gotta tell ya. Whatever you're doing...
take a week off and get yourself on one of those boats.
There's a line at the can. Honey, can we skip dinner?
You look so hot you got me in the mood for a takeout in bed.
Tongue.
Wow.
Wasn't that crazy Marshall Geller who worked in our high school cafeteria?
Nope. That was crazy Marshall Geller, my new personal hero.
Dude, let 's bolt.
Hanging around some stupid bar is no place to meet women.
What are you talking about? You've begged me to come here for months!
Jerry, buddy...
trust me...
I have seen the light.
Son of a bitch!
That was my space!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you right back, buddy!
Back off. I don't wanna see an out of shape slob get his butt kicked.
- He ain't that out of shape. - I'm talking about you!
You break a sweat changing your shoes.
- Stop. Bite me! - Blow me!
- Kiss my ass! - Fuck your mother!
Oh, yeah? No one would want to fuck my mother 'cause she's too ugly.
- I think I lost that one, didn't I? - Oh, yeah.
Okay. That 's the 7-day, 6-night fun in the sun singles package...
with the standard 3 to 1 female to male ratio.
Just as the doctor ordered, right, buddy?
I don't know, Nick. I don't think I'm ready for this.
Not ready? Come on. It 's been six months.
I don't like the sun...
and I get seasick.
I don't know what to say to strange women.
We're not going for the discourse. We're going for the intercourse.
Sex! That 's all you ever think about. Sex, sex, sex!
We'll take it.
There you go.
Larry, you're still here.
- Your mother died. - What?
- When? - This morning. I'm sorry.
- I thought you got my Post-it. - Okay, thanks, Michael.
Alright. Now, gentlemen...
I might want you to consider this stateroom. It 's a little bit larger...
Would you excuse me for just a moment?
Help!
Mama, no!
- You! - Fuck you, pal.
- Fuck you back. - Fuck your mother.
- No one would fuck my mother... - We've been through this before!
Excuse me. What seems to be the problem here?
This guy. Pecker face.
- That 's the problem - This guy's a jerk.
Alright, Brian, you know what? Enough. Let me handle this.
- You go check on the ski packages. - Yeah. Fuck off.
- Ski over near the Maui getaways. - Yeah.
- Remember? Since the changeover? - Yeah, I got it.
I am so sorry.
Brian's had a little problem with the...
And the... and the... and the...
Yeah, bad news. But now he's doing fine.
He's doing a lot of great work with unwed teenage mothers.
So... Alright.
Let 's see... 7-day, 6-night vacation cruise. Is that correct?
- That 's the one. - Right.
Yeah, right. Okay.
You guys are set, gentlemen.
I think you'll have a very good time. Please enjoy your vacation.
- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.
Hey, and you should probably do something about that guy.
Don't worry, I've already taken care of it.
And, hey...
- I'm a letter writer. - Duly noted.
Alright.
Bye-bye, now.
I'm too upset to work ski packages.
- I can't believe you took care of them. - I took care of them alright.
'Cause no one calls my little pecker a pecker.
- Huh? - Yeah.
Wow! Look at the size of that thing!
And just think, it 's filled with available women.
Yeah! And here's the beauty part of the whole thing.
They can't get away from us. We'll be in the middle of the ocean.
They can try, but they'll drown or be eaten by sharks. It 's perfect.
Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with you.
I can live with that.
- Excuse me. Can I ask you something? - Yes.
- You board everybody on this ship? - Yes, sir.
Let me ask you a question, from guy to guy.
Is there a lot of sweet ass on this ship?
I'm sure you'll be very happy.
- Yes! Right, Jerry? - Yeah!
Alrighty!
And all filled with hot, beautiful women!
- Yes! - Awesome, awesome, awesome!
Think of the sexiest creatures boarding this love boat as we speak!
- Alright, this is great! - Yeah, you know!
- Hello! - Hey! What 's up, guys?
How you doin'?
Alright!
- Lovely boat, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Don't you ever doubt me.
What the hell was that?
Well, onboard entertainment.
You know? I bet Cirque du Soleil is here. Like Vegas.
- Cool. - Right?
Hey, how are ya?
There it is. Stateroom 211.
The number that 'll be on every woman's lips by the end of the trip.
Let 's do it.
That 's weird.
Only one bed.
I know why.
We're going to have so much sex one guy's always going to sleep out.
Yeah, right.
You better hope that couch is more comfortable than it looks.
There's a mirror on the ceiling.
Excelente.
That way the babes can watch me get my peak on.
Check this out, Jer.
- Four racquetball courts. - Hey!
- Nine cocktail lounges, a casino. - Six and eight 's a running mate!
A video arcade...
Onboard chest waxing salon...
- Chest waxing? - Yes, of course, for swimming.
Let me see that.
Club Socrates wants you to know you'll be treated like a queen.
- You mean king? - Queen. It says so right there.
That 's weird.
Hello? Ring, ring, ring.
Everybody conga.
Conga,conga,conga,everybody party Party,party,party
Five o'clock today
Yeah, baby! I told you, Jer. This boat is wild!
- Where's the party, sweet thing? - Stateroom 209. Stateroom 209.
It 's casual.
To fresh scratches on our backs.
- Scotch and soda, please. - Coming right up, sir.
Oh, please.
Why do they always have to play Liza?
I don't know. I kinda like "Liza With a Z".
Yeah, it 's kind of cool for making out.
I prefer Johnny Mathis, myself.
Yeah, if you're gonna make out with a dude.
That is very funny.
My name is Faversham. Lloyd Faversham.
- Nick Ragoni. - Nick.
- Jerry. - Jerry.
- Is this your first cruise? - No, my third.
- And you? - Numero uno.
Then you are going to positively adore it. It is one wild...
...decadent week. - That 's why we're here, right?
- All night parties. - Excellent.
- Midnight skinny dipping. - Sign me up!
And if you're into it, lots of sex, sex... sex.
You hear that, Jer? All the sex a man could want.
Well, then you must visit the hole in one room.
Oh? They have an onboard driving range?
Some of the chaps down there do swing some very large clubs.
You two have an open relationship?
Open? What do you mean by "open relationship"?
- I mean do you date? - Of course we date.
- That 's why we're here. - Yeah.
That 's absolutely wonderful.
We must get together sometime. Go for a midnight swim.
Do whatever feels right.
That is what a gay cruise is all about.
I see.
Hear that, Jerry?
We can do whatever we want. Whatever feels right.
That 's what a gay cruise is all about.
Whatever we want to do, we can do it...
because it 's a gay cruise.
It 's a gay cruise, Jerry, not a bi-cruise. It 's a gay cruise!
Capital G, capital A, capital YMCA gay cruise, Jerry!
Damn, damn, damn!
I wonder how many other people made the same mistake I did.
No one! Shit! Jerry! Don't worry, buddy!
I'm bringing you back home! I'm gonna get you out of here! Let 's go!
Help! Help! Somebody help us!
We're straight! We're straight.
Hey, Nick! Stop acting like a jerk! We'll figure this out!
What are we gonna do, Jerry? We gotta get off this boat!
Excuse me sir, do you know where we can get off real quick?
- Try the hole in one room. - I'm starting to think that 's...
not a real driving range, Jer. In fact, I'm convinced of it.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
We're trapped like rats!
What?
I checked our itinerary.
We don't dock for four days.
Why do I ever listen to you?
Are you implying that this is somehow my fault?
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.
If you hadn't insulted the travel agent, none of this would've happened.
- Maybe there's another explanation. - Yeah? What?
Maybe that travel agent thought he was doing you a favor.
Because...
- You know. - Because what?
Because you're a little fem. That 's why.
You always dress real nice. You're in shape. You're neat.
And you use those pastel colored balls at the bowling alley.
Don't think that got past me.
You're an idiot. A thick-headed moron.
Felicia was right. I should've dumped your ass years ago!
If you wanted to dump somebody's ass, it should've been Felicia's.
That chick was Satan's sister, bro. Yeah! Devil in a d-cup!
Felicia was as frosty a bitch as I've ever seen in my life!
I'm gonna kill ya!
Get off.
I know I heard do the bump-bump time.
Hey you, don't get the wrong idea.
Hector always gets the wrong idea.
That 's why he is no longer welcome in the state of Missouri.
Buddy, you pranced into the wrong cabin. My friend and I...
we're not gay.
Ring, ring. Hold the phone. What you tell me? You two guys are not gay?
That 's right!
Go on, pull Hector's other leg. He's got bells on it.
I'm getting out of here.
Gee. What hasn't gotten into him?
Out.
Oh,here he comes
Watch out,boy He'll chew you up
Oh,here he comes
He's a maneater
Oh,here he comes
Watch out,boy He'll chew you up
Oh,here he comes
He's a maneater
lwouldn't if lwere you
Bachelor number 2. What 's the most unusual place you ever made love?
Well, once I did it in a dressing room in International Male.
Right. How about you, bachelor number 3?
What 's the most unusual place that you ever made love?
Inside a woman.
Oh, no...
Hey! Who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?
Oops.
Hey buddy, you okay?
Do I look gay?
Never saw an old gay grandpa before.
Where are all the gay people at?
You're all always supposed to want to party.
Oops. Oops.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine!
Men on dates,holding hands, touching,kissing.
I can't take it. Then I think "not delay it."
Took too much shop in high school.
Help! Pick me up!
Get me out of here!
Drop down a ladder!
I like girls!
Please!
Please, come back!
I don't know anything about a flare gun. I swear I was here all night.
A flare gun? I don't know anything. I was here all night.
Flare gun? I don't know nothing about no stinking flare gun.
- Oh, shit! - Okay.
Here we are. You should go change now.
Where's your robe?
Okay.
Okay, I give up. I did it.
Hey, Jer, how was your evening?
Hi. Your friend had a little too much to drink.
She thinks I'm drunk.
- Nicky, Nicky! - Alright, alright.
I fell in the pool.
- You're sitting on my balls! - Okay...
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
- Good night. - You're getting me all wet.
Jerry!
Wake up, I'm starving!
Come on, Jerry!
Dude, don't make me go up there by myself. Get up.
Jerry!
Screw it.
What am I afraid of? How gay can a buffet be?
Is this seat taken?
- Actually... - I hate dining alone.
- I bet you feel the same way too. - I'm okay with it, actually.
I see you took the omelette, the waffles and the flapjacks.
Hungry little man, aren't you? Do you care for a bite of my sausage?
In England, we call them bangers.
Captain, can you come over here a minute, please?
There's a small craft off the starboard trying to get our attention.
- Help! - Help us!
- Help! - Somebody save us!
Jesus...
Sound the alarm. All hands on dick... deck.
Deck!
Tea?
For you.
Oh, my God.
- I must be dreaming. Pinch me. - Sure. My pleasure.
- I didn't say on my ass. - You didn't not say it.
I didn't think I had to specify. Jesus.
Nick, Nick. Look, you gotta help me out.
Remember that woman that dragged me into the room last night?
I can't get her off my mind.
She kissed me. Technically it was mouth to mouth. But it was fabulous.
I mean, I gotta find her. I mean I was so wasted...
- Who are they? - The answer to our prayers.
Twelve of the most gorgeous creatures I've ever seen.
But I'm not greedy. I'll share.
Go ahead, pick... two.
No. This girl's fabulous. She's special.
I gotta find her.
She's special. Special.
Hello.
- Hi. - Who are you?
I'm Nick Ragoni, the most grateful man on the planet.
I'm Inga. Very pleasurable to meet you.
How'd you all get here?
We are the Swedish sun tanning team...
on our way to the Hawaiian Tropics Tanning Competition.
Some bonehead shot down our helicopter.
Coach had to make water landing.
I didn't think this would happen until I died and went to heaven.
It 's a lucky thing we were picked up by a boat full of homo boys.
It would be terrible to have straight men hassling and ogling us...
while we're trying to work on our even tan lines.
You're so right.
Lucky I'm gay!
I'm super gay! I'm mega... I'm gay enormous!
I'm so gay! But that 's good.
'Cause now you guys can all feel comfortable in front of me...
and take off your tops and stuff.
And I can do this for you.
I can put tanning oils and creamy lotions...
all over your luscious bodies.
And there won't be any worries for you because I'm so gay!
Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Almost finished!
Okay, let 's do the back.
The first time I think I realized I was gay...
was when I was around twelve in Scouts.
I really liked putting on that kerchief.
In fact, it was the only part I liked about it.
That and the nude swimming.
Anyway, I hope you gals all feel comfortable around me.
"Ja", Nick.
'Cause I sure do feel comfortable around you.
All done. Who's next? How about you, Ursula?
Ready for your second coat? These thighs look a little dry.
There we go.
What do you want?
What the hell is that?
I got this from that dude over there. He's hot.
You are no gay homo man. I am Sonya, coach of tanning team.
- What? - Quiet!
As long as these women are in training...
there will be no trouser snakes near their hot luscious popos.
Put me down!
Coach of the tanning team. That 's ridiculous.
If I want to talk to any of these ladies, I will.
And there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me.
Oh, yeah?
What the hell happened to you?
I died and went to heaven.
And then some muscle bound blonde dwarf knocked me back down to hell.
- What? - You know those 12 gorgeous hotties?
They've got a goddamn bodyguard.
I can take disappointments, Jer.
But little Mickey's already known such heartache in a short life.
Well then I guess all three of us struck out.
I still can't find that girl.
I've looked everywhere.
You know, I've kissed Felicia for four years...
and never felt anything like I felt last night.
That girl is special. I gotta find her.
You're abandoning me? What am I supposed to do?
This is a luxury cruise! Not everything's gay-oriented.
No more bets.
Red three is the winner.
Beautiful. Poker. This is gonna be sweet.
These trouser pilots are no match for a lusty hetero like myself.
This will be like taking candy from a baby.
Why is that? Are gay men notorious bad gamblers?
Awful. They can't bluff.
They look at the cards, they start giggling. Terrible.
Promise me you won't act like a gay bashing narrow minded Neanderthal.
Jerry, buddy, you're talking to me.
- Lady, couple of clubs, pass a flush... - Hello gays... guys.
- Mind if I join you? - Sure thing, gorgeous.
I can't remember. Does a straight beat a flush?
Damn! I really thought I had this one.
Listen, Nick.
I don't want you to take offense, but can I give you a piece of advice?
- What? - Don't clear your throat.
What?
Every time you bluff, you clear your throat.
I do?
Don't play the cards. Play the players.
Right. Here we go.
Any up. Five or shoot. Three card Monty.
King is to win. There you go. There's a winner!
We got a winner!
Hey you.
Unbelievable.
That was embarrassing!
They offer a pool safety class onboard. You should check it out.
Let me give you a hand.
I'm Gabriella.
I'm Jerry.
Oh, boy.
- Hi. - Hi.
You like?
Oh, yeah.
Ice cream? Yeah, that 's okay.
Coach would kill me if she knew I broke training.
But I no can help. I am... What is the word?
- Oral. - That 's the word.
And what a wonderful word it is.
I'm so lonely.
Coach's very strict about keeping us away from men during tanning season.
It 's too bad you're gay, Nick.
- Good night. - Inga, wait, wait.
I've always been curious about your country.
- Mind if I ask you something? - Yeah.
What would you like to know about, Nick?
Our cities, our lakes and rivers, our safe and sturdy automobiles?
I'm a big fan of your cinema. I've rented quite a bit of it.
I've noticed your people's progressive attitude towards premarital sex.
So I was wondering, theoretically, if my own sexual orientation were...
If you're asking if I'd sleep with you if you were straight the answer is "Ja".
- "Ja"? "Ja" means "Yes", right? - Ja!
Inga, I have a surprise for you. I'm straight.
I'm as straight as a Volvo going down an Oslo toll road.
- But Oslo is in Norway. - The point is... we can make love.
I know that 's the best news I've ever heard.
I'm cabin 4433. Meet me in five minuten.
You got it. Five minuten.
And not a minuten more.
Hello. Are there any condoms available on this ship?
Come in. Door is open.
Coach.
Changing room assignments. You bunk with Pia.
- But why, coach? - You cannot be trusted with minibar.
- You are in training. - But coach, I eat nothing all day.
You ate yesterday, ja?
Your butt is disgusting. I better double check.
Ja, disgusting.
Both cheeks.
Ja, ja, ja. Move it, fattie.
- Knock it off and go to bed. - Alright, coach.
Thank you for lending me your jacket.
- So, what do you do on this ship? - I'm a dance teacher.
- Wow. Teaching dance must be fun. - It can be.
Especially on the gay cruises.
They're much more fun than the straight ones.
Why is that?
The guys that go on the straight cruises... all you meet are these...
...horny creeps. - Oh, I got a friend like that.
I bet men hit on you all the time.
You've got a hot ass.
Excuse me?
Your ass. It 's hot.
Thanks.
Your butt 's nothing to sneeze at, either.
So...
...you must have a boyfriend. - No, no, no.
- No boyfriend. - Really?
Why not?
Every boyfriend I've ever had has turned out to be a son of a bitch.
- Well, not every guy is a... - I know what you're thinking.
I just never met "the right guy".
Trust me, honey. I've met every type out there and it 's pretty bad.
Liars, guys with two wives, guys with commitment issues...
guys with parole issues. You name it, I've dated them all.
Which is why I'm so relieved to be on this boat.
There's not one straight man in sight.
- Excuse me? - It 's so great...
because I can really be myself. I don't care about makeup...
I don't care about what I'm wearing...
if a guy is talking to me because he wants to get into my pants...
- Gabriella... - You know what else?
Let 's say I do get horny one day.
Maybe I can even find a gay guy and he can do me the favor.
- The favor? - How do you say in English?
Make me scream, make me moan. Screw my brains out.
I don't mean to be a bitch...
but these staterooms could use a bit more color.
Now we are laying down to sleep.
Our hot tight bodies the Lord will keep.
Inga darling, it 's me, Nicky.
I'm here.
Reverend Lindstrom, "nej".
Just think of what would the bishop say.
Who's knocking at my doors?
Oh, my God!
Let 's go downtown, baby.
Help me, Jesus!
I don't want to die!
"Nej, nej, nej. Ja, ja, ja, ja."
Get off me!
What 's that?
It 's coming from the coach's room.
Smoking sturgeons! Coach's pussy just blew up.
It was good for me, ja.
Oh, Jesus.
I gotta tell you,Nick. She's so great.
We had so much fun. We talked, we laughed.
Can you hand me one of those cheese-flavored penises?
Gabriella is everything I've ever wanted in a woman. I even pierced...
...my ear for her. - You better make sure...
...it 's the right ear. - Of course it 's...
- Yeah, I better look into that. - How was your evening?
Let 's just say I had some bad shellfish and leave it at that.
- Hey. Hold on a second. See ya. - Here she comes.
- Grab my ass. - What are you? Crazy?
I told her I was gay. Now wet your lips and look at me lovingly.
- Do I look like a homo to you? - Yes.
An out of shape one, but we have those too.
Thank you very much. That 's enough. Moving along. Nothing to see here.
What do you want me to do? Act like I'm gay?
- Hi, boys. - Hi.
I don't believe you two have formally been introduced.
- This is my life partner. - I'm not his life...
He's a little seasick this morning.
- Maybe he's just a little lovesick. - Right!
- We're into S&M. - Okay.
If you feel better later you would like to come to my new class?
- Yeah? It 's dirty dancing. - Dirty dancing?
- So taboo. - What the hell's wrong with you?
"He's my life partner".
You need to keep an open mind. Nick! Hey!
- It 's only for a few days. - Quit bugging me.
I'm getting my nuts handed to me on a platter.
- I wouldn't mind seeing that. - Don't say it!
- Why not? - Cause I won't, that 's why.
Be a friend.
As a friend? You're a wiener.
Now buzz off. I'm trying to concentrate on my workout.
You're not working out.
Nick, if you do me this one favor, I promise you I...
Nick!
Come on, listen. I'm begging you.
- Maybe I'll skip the steam. - That 's a good idea.
Listen...
After what happened with Felicia, I thought I'd never feel this way again.
Why are you making such a big deal about this girl?
- She's a classic man-hater. - No, no, no.
Gabriella doesn't mean it. She's just had bad luck with guys she dates...
because they only want to have sex with her. You know the type.
Don't ever take sides against the guys.
Nick, I just need a few days to get to know her.
Then I'll tell her the truth.
Why are you hiding from that woman?
Hiding? I'm not hiding. I have a cramp.
Nick, I'm desperate.
- What if I offered to pay you? - Pay me! How dare you!
You think I'd sacrifice my dignity, my self-esteem...
my whole way of life for a few, measly dollars? No!
- Five hundred, cash? - I'll do it!
- Come closer, you're too far away. - No!
Hey, hey. Hold on.
Beautiful. Very nice, everyone. I love it.
Jerry, you're light on your feet.
This whole place is light on its feet.
Nick, your body's too stiff. Wait. Listen to me.
Your body's too stiff. I want you to loosen up. Come on.
There you go. Move it and then go on, dance by yourself.
Feel the music, Nick. Feel it.
Okay, everyone. Change partners.
Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha. We meet again, "chêrie".
I hope that 's your belt buckle I feel back there.
You know, from the moment we met, I felt there was...
...an electrical charge between us. - I think your pacemaker shortened out.
How did you know I like to be humiliated?
Look, Lloyd, you're barking up the wrong tree here.
I know.
- You want to lead. - Lloyd, I'm not...
interested.
That 's alright. I'm a patient man. I can wait.
I'm also very rich.
You know, I'd like to spoil you, Nick.
Take you to places you've never been.
Show you things you've never seen.
I'd like to...
Jerry!
Cha-cha-cha.
That 's it.
You know, you're a really good dance teacher.
Really? It 's fun to teach a class like this.
I always felt too self-conscious to really...
...cut loose, you know? - We have a revue here on board.
It 's like an amateur night thing.
- You think you'd be interested? - Too public.
- I'm more of a closet dancer. - That 's a shame.
- Because I'm the choreographer. - Really?
Well, for you, I might just waltz out of the closet.
- You know... it 's strange. - What 's that?
The way you stare at me sometimes.
The way you touch me like that, you know?
It 's exactly the way a straight guy would.
Me? Straight? Girlfriend, please!
Nobody's gotta teach me how to be gay.
Bette Midler is also known as the Divine Miss...
- M? - Very good!
Very good. Oh, sorry!
Okay, now describe the Brandy Alexander you're drinking.
- Refreshing. - No, no, no! It is to die for!
Also acceptable divine, marvellous, charming and ooh-la-la.
At first lwas afraid lwas petrified
Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to see you there With that sad look upon your
Why you stopped singing?
I don't know the words.
You want to convince people you're gay and you don't know the words?
Singing disco tunes and wearing calypso outfits...
is not going to help me convince Gabriella that I'm gay.
Hector, this is stupid.
Are you humming "I Will Survive?"
That 's right. And I know all the words.
- You're looking at me like I'm crazy. - I'm not.
- You know what? - What?
Champagne usually makes me a crazy, too.
Champagne, ocean air...
strange things might happen.
I might turn into a raging heterosexual.
I should be so lucky. Can you imagine?
You know what? Let 's get this party on its feet. Come on.
Inga, it 's me, Nicky.
Open up.
Nicky.
- So Mr. Tongue has a name. - I'm sorry about what happened.
You don't have to hit me. The deed was punishment enough.
"Nej, nej, nej."
If we ever hook up again, I want to show you.
- I can reciprocate. - Reciprocate?
Hey, Nick!
Hey, fresh meat. Have a seat, Nick.
I can always use a little extra spending money.
What the hell, I can use a quiet game of poker.
Sorry I'm late, boys. I had trouble squeezing into this pantyhose.
- So, what 's the game? - Five card stud.
- Very appropriate. - Let 's play some cards.
- I'm tired. Are you tired? - Yeah! Wait. One more.
Hector!
You've been on a boat before.
- Is it safe? - Of course it 's safe!
As long as you are responsible.
You mean the storm? Well, that I do not know.
Hector, let me ask you something.
- How many cruises have you been on? - Including this one?
That would make it...
one. You see, I only recently came all the way out of the closet.
Recently, really? I would've figured kindergarten.
No. Well, let me tell you. It wasn't easy.
But it 's better to be true to yourself...
than to lie to the world.
It must 've taken a lot of guts.
It 's funny, you know?
These guys I'm playing poker with. Steven, Tom, Ron.
Steven's a doctor.
A gay heart surgeon. Who would've thought?
Ron's a criminal defence attorney. He represents some bad-assed dudes.
Tom's cross-dresser and pastry chef.
Okay, I would have guessed that.
But still, they're a great bunch of guys.
- So what are you saying? - What am I saying?
What I'm saying is I kinda wanted to hang out more with these guys.
But there was a part of me that felt it was somehow wrong...
to be friends with gay men.
And that... makes me feel like a jerk.
Sit.
Come on, sit.
You know, my Papa, he used to think that to be gay was "muy malo".
A big shame.
He no talk to me for 2O years. His own blood.
Now he's sick, he's dying. He asks for me. He say to me...
"Hector, I waste so much time.
We're all God's children. I'm so sorry." He said so.
You see, my Papi, he's like you. A real jerk.
He just needed to learn.
You learn too, my friend.
I'm hurting.
It feels so good to get off my feet!
I couldn't agree with you more.
You know what?
I've got to get out of these clothes.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Listen, would you mind doing me a huge, huge favor?
Would you spend the night with me?
What?
Yeah, you know, it 's the storm.
I wouldn't mind cuddling under the covers with somebody.
You think Nick would mind?
Fuck Nick.
Is this storm getting worse, or am I too drunk or...
I have a theory.
I think if we drank more...
we might be able to maintain perfect equilibrium.
I'll try that in the pursuit of science.
I'll get us another round.
I have a better idea.
I have a fifty-year old bottle of cognac in my room...
...and I'm gonna go get it. - I'll go with you.
I could use the exercise.
Jerry, we can get out from under the covers.
I think the storm was over, like, half an hour ago.
It was one hell of a storm, though.
You know, I have something you're gonna love.
- Get ready to have an orgasm. - What?
Open wide.
- Good? - Yeah.
- Do me. - You're so lucky I'm gay.
- Can I ask you something? - Shoot.
- How do you do it? - Do what?
- Give head. - What?
A blow job. I mean, do you start on the tip of his penis?
Or you stroke it while you use your mouth?
- Do you tickle the balls? - Not everybody likes that.
As a person who gives them and receives them...
you must know the perfect way. Show me.
What?
Okay.
You...
It 's a little small.
You know, I got an idea.
Why don't you show me your technique, and then I'll critique it.
- Okay. - Okay.
So look. First...
I slowly lick the tip with my tongue, right?
- Right? - That 's good.
Then I gently go down the shaft with my lips.
And in time, I tickle the balls
Very softly
Then I twirl my tongue all the way...
back to the top.
Then I wet my lips.
I do a little playful nibbling.
"Eso me encanta porque es maravilloso."
"Eu te amo, te amo."
How's that? Jerry?
That 's fine!
For goodness' sake, Lloyd. At least kiss me first.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.
Now, where did I put that bag?
I'm just going to lay down.
Got it.
Now, before we go back up with the boys...
what do you say we do a couple of shots?
You're a goddamned genius.
Here you go.
Oh...
my...
God!
What are you doing?
I have a horrible taste in my mouth, Jerry, and I can't get rid of it.
Did you eat something weird?
Yeah.
- I did a bad, bad thing, Jerry. - What?
You know how the sea air makes you disoriented and there was...
the drinking and the partying and I slept with a man, Jerry.
Very funny.
No, it 's not.
I just woke up in Ron's stateroom.
- With Ron. - What?
I've chased a lot of women, Jerry.
To be honest...
I never actually scored with one since I was a senior in high school...
and then I had to promise to marry her.
A fifty-one year old coffee shop waitress.
And a stroke victim...
with a fake leg...
and a lazy eye...
...and a mole with... - I got it.
What I'm trying to say is...
maybe I'm meant to do more than just play cards with these guys.
I'm finally happy. So happy.
I'm gay.
One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight.
And one, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight. Good.
Good work, guys. Good work.
Hector, try not shaking your ass so much.
You mean in the dance, or in real life?
OK, guys. Thank you for coming. I'll see you back here tonight at eleven.
Jerry, you are looking fierce up there.
I can't remember when I've had this much fun.
You know, you're just great.
Hey!
- Are you gonna go to the island? - I am.
Do you want me to be your tour guide?
I know the island very well.
- That would be yummy. - Yummy.
Let 's go.
Nicholas... I was beginning to wonder about you.
I'm glad to see you finally got that luscious full figure frame of yours...
...in the right dinghy. - It 's amazing.
A day ago I would've punched you in the face for saying a thing like that.
- This place is paradise. - Oh, yeah.
- We're gonna have an awesome time. - I'll say.
I can already feel the men around here undressing me with their eyes.
- Hungry? Want something to eat? - Nope. I have a better idea.
- Let 's go exploring first. - Great.
Daddy, thanks so much for finding out where Jerry is for me.
Yeah, I'm sure things are gonna work out, too.
Bye-bye. Love you, Daddy.
How do I get to the Olympic Voyager?
Right this way, madam.
Be careful with those bags. They're worth more than you make in a year.
Bon voyage... bitch.
- Hi Nick. How you doing? - Hey, fine.
I'm not sore, or anything.
Hey buddy, about last night...
I understand why it happened. I mean, I'm pretty charismatic.
If the moon hits me in just the right way, I can look pretty damn tasty.
You're okay too, but I just really rather we stay friends.
Alright. Me too, Nick.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah.
If I had said that to a chick, she'd be a total mess right now.
I'm starting to see the upside to this whole thing.
You do what Sonya says, team You do what Sonya says
One, two, three, four.
Woke upwith no tanning cream Now you're off the tanning team
- One, two, three, four. - Coach, it 's the Hawaiian Tropic team.
Hey, break it up, ladies! Come on!
Come on! Take it easy!
Break it up! Break it up!
Save it for the tanning competition!
Bad! You are bad. Now everybody move out! Now!
Okay, girls. Get your heinies on the donkeys.
Now.
Nick.
I just wanted to say goodbye. I'm going to the airport now.
Inga, it was great almost knowing you.
Nick, if you're ever near Gettzemüllersteigen, Sweden...
...I would love to see you again. - I don't think so, baby.
I don't think this is gonna work out.
But, I thought you liked me, Nick.
- I'm confused. - So am I. You don't even know.
You better hurry. You have an ass to catch.
And you...
Hey.
And go.
Oh, it feels good.
Hey, Nick. About last night...
you don't think anything happened, do you?
- What do you think happened? - Nothing.
You and I drank too much and then fell asleep.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Inga!
Well, I think we lost that one forever.
A lot of potential in that boy.
He could've been one of the great ones.
I saw in him what I saw in Elton John.
Had your Vitamin C today?
You know, you really make me laugh.
I'm so glad we met.
You know...
it really is a shame to let this place go to waste.
Just a friendly kiss?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't want to feel like I am...
pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do.
I want to do this very badly.
- Really? - Yes.
So, let me be your guide.
And I promise I'm gonna be gentle.
I'm gonna be patient.
And I'm going to take it very, very slowly.
Great.
Jerry... Jerry...
You're a really quick stud.
That 's enough foreplay.
Excuse me. Could you ring Jerry Robinson's room, please?
Certainly.
No one seems to be answering, ma'am.
Could you give me his room number?
I'm sorry, we're not allowed to divulge that information.
Would you like to leave a message?
No, thanks. I want to surprise him.
Thank you.
You wanna have dinner with me tonight?
- No. - Why not?
Because I'm falling in love with you.
You are?
Yes, I am.
Of all the dumb, boneheaded, romantic moves I've made over the years...
...this will be the dumbest. - Now wait a minute.
- This could work. - How do you think it 's gonna work?
I cannot make you into something you're not, Jerry.
I do that with every man I fall for and it has to stop.
- Besides, you already have someone. - No, I don't.
What about Nick?
That 's just physical.
Listen, I have to accept who you really are.
I really want to be alone right now.
- Hi. - Hi.
It 's kind of nice seeing another woman aboard.
Tell me about it.
All I've seen are men. Most of them gay.
Well, it is a gay cruise.
- What did you just say? - You didn't know?
No! I came on board to get back together with my boyfriend.
I don't get it! Why in the world would he be on a gay...
Good luck.
Thanks.
We're just gonna put them on the stage.
Hector!
- Have you seen Gabriella? - No, I've been looking for her myself.
Everything is falling apart. The music is not ready.
Victor, the lead dancer, is seasick.
And look at my costume! It hangs. It 's supposed to drape!
OK, if you see Gabriella, could you give her this message for me, please?
How could I've been so blind?
I mean, the signs were right in front of my eyes.
Foreign films... grab a convertible. Gourmet mustards.
Wait... maybe he's only curious.
I mean, there was that one time when I was in college...
my roommate Bianca and I, we shared a Jacuzzi.
That got kinda hot.
- I got to go, pal. Keep the change. - Thanks.
Think twice before you blow the man down!
Get everybody ready for the next number. They have less than a minute.
What?
Nobody told me Victor was too sick to dance. Who's gonna be the lead?
I' m coming Comin' out
I' m comin' out
Oh, my God.
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
There's a new me coming out
And I just have to live And I just wanna give
I' m completely positive
I think this time around I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
I' II make it through
The time has come for me To break out of a shell
I have to shout That I am coming out
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
I' m comin' out
lwant the world to know
Got to let it show
- Cocksucker! - Felicia!
I was talking to him.
Felicia!
- Felicia! What are you doing here? - Don't even talk to me.
- I feel so humiliated. - Well, how did you find me?
What were you thinking about when we were making love, Jerry?
- Cabana Boys? - Hey, I am not gay.
And to think I wanted to be your wife!
What?
I really missed you, Jerry.
All the special times we had. We complemented each other.
We could've built a life together.
- Build a life together? - Yes!
- What about Andrê, the buffer boy? - It was just a fling.
A horrible, thoughtless, insensitive mistake.
But it showed me what I really wanted, Jerry.
A stable, decent man who would always be there for me.
And I thought that that was you.
What are you saying? You want to get back together?
Well, I did.
Before I found out that you were gay.
How could you think I'm gay?
You're standing there preening like a gay peacock...
and you don't want me to think you're tutti-frutti?
For heaven's sake, Felicia. I'm not gay and I never have been gay.
Then why the hell are you on this boat?
Nick! Nick and I got on this cruise by mistake.
And then I met this girl and she assumed I was gay!
And then I stupidly went along with it because...
She's behind me, isn't she?
How could you?
Gabriella, I'm sorry.
- I tried to tell you. - You're an asshole, Jerry.
Not again!
That was the girl I was talking about.
Well, looks like you had a dumb fling yourself.
I'll tell you what. If you can forgive me...
I can certainly forgive you.
And we can get married just like you always wanted, Jerry.
I love you, baby. What do you say?
Great.
Now one of the bride and groom staring at each other lovingly.
- You look so beautiful. - Thank you.
Why don't we both look beautiful? Take out that earring.
Felicia is good for me.
She planned this entire wedding, all by herself.
Got me a great job with her father.
Got us a new apartment. Picked out all the linens and plates.
And as a wedding gift, she gave me an entire new wardrobe.
Yep, the only decision I have left to make for the rest of my life...
is whether I want to be buried or cremated.
No. I take that back.
We're being buried side by side. She told me this morning.
Hey, Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late.
I had a little bit of a personal crisis this morning.
- Is everything alright, pastor? - Fine, fine.
Just I had a few personal issues I had to clarify, but...
It 's your big day. Nothing's going to spoil it.
Glad to see you finally made it, reverend.
I got a string quartet back at the Hyatt about to go into golden time.
- Congratulations, sir. - Thank you.
- They're friends of yours, Jerry? - Yes, sir.
I met them on the cruise.
So you accidentally hopped onto the Guytanic, too?
- How's it going? - I guess not.
Jerry, I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
- What 's up, guys? - Nick, come here. It 's important.
There is no more sacred contract than the bond of marriage.
And no more spiritual union than that between a man and a woman.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
to bring this man and this woman together in the eyes of...
in the eyes of...
God?
- God, yeah, that 's what you say. - No, that 's what you say.
Yeah, well I used to until recently. I mean...
if there was a God would He allow my wife to run off...
with a non-union contractor who overcharged me for a bay window?
But that 's my problem, I'm sorry, and it 's your day. I'm sorry. Where was I?
A happy marriage is the perfect human relationship.
A setting in which each partner feels free to be as he or she is...
under God's bountiful nature.
That same nature that allowed the number 547 PIN code...
to screw me in a photo. I'm sorry, where was I?
If there's anyone present who feels that these two people should not...
...be joined together in matrimony... - Come on.
...let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
Okay, fine.
Jerry, then, if there's no objection, turn to Felicia and repeat after me.
I, Jerry...
take you, Felicia...
...to be my lawful-wedded... - Stop! Wait! Time out! Time out!
- Nick! What are you doing? - I have to say something.
If I didn't speak now, I could never live with myself.
A couple of weeks ago...
Jerry and I took a cruise together.
It wasn't the cruise we intended to take, but...
it was good we got in the wrong boat because it changed our lives forever.
Jerry, if you marry Felicia today, it will end up in disaster.
You need to be with the person you fell in love with on that boat.
And I know it, because that person is me.
How much of that pot did you smoke?
I know where Gabriella is. If you hurry we can catch her.
Jerry? What the hell is wrong with you?
You can't humiliate me like this! My dad is gonna kill you!
- Come on, Rocco! Come on, boy! - Daddy!
Come on, move! Move!
Daddy, do something!
- Where's your car? - We're not taking my car.
We'd never make it across town in this traffic.
Boys! Boys!
- Hector! You're a fireman! - Yes!
I'm December in our calendar.
Thank you, Ernie, dear.
Call me!
So where is Gabriella?
She signed up to work another cruise.
- When does she leave port? - Two hours ago!
Two hours ago?
And how am I supposed to find her in the ocean?
I can't do this!
- I get motion sickness! - Yes, you can. Come on, Jerry.
You're about to be united with the woman you love.
What do you think?
Why don't you calm down? You are in very, very good hands.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I know you only think of me as a hard-partying old queen...
but for your information, I spent 32 years in the Armed Forces...
serving Her Majesty, the real Queen.
I've seen action in five different theaters of war...
I've made over 49O drops, 23 over hostile territory.
I'm what you colonials might call a bad-assed motherfucker...
who also happens to be an expert...
in the delicate art of Japanese flower arranging.
Over the target, captain.
Right! It 's now, or never.
Come on, Jerry, get out there! Jump out!
I can't do this!
- Go get her, Jerry! - This is a bad idea!
Wait, I'm gonna be sick. I mean it!
I felt that one.
Good Lord, you're a crybaby.
Five, six, seven, eight. Kick!
Back! Head, up, down.
One more time.
Kick! Back! Head, up, down.
I want it sassy, now. Come on. Kick! Pliê.
Head, up, down. And Kick! Pliê!
I'm not a person who likes heights!
I don't feel so good. I don't feel so good.
I hate this!
What is that?
- I don't like it! - We're over the target.
- Prepare for release! - Release!
We did it!
I'm so excited.
If truth be told, I'm more than a little excited myself.
Unhook me, please.
I don't believe this.
Help, please.
This time, I'm gonna let you drown.
You're gonna have to drag me over to the deep end...
'cause it 's only about three and a half feet over here.
What are you doing here?
I was in the neighbourhood, so I figured I'd just drop in.
- Goodbye. - Gabriella, wait, please.
I thought I was being reasonably clever...
considering I just dropped 1,5OO feet out of an airplane.
Why did you bother?
Because I love you.
Who loves me?
Gay Jerry as a friend?
Or is this straight, lying, deceitful Jerry?
You've never met this Jerry.
This is the extremely sorry...
unbelievably heartbroken because you left me...
who'll do anything to get you to forgive me...
because I want to spend the rest of my life with you Jerry.
Well, you listen to me, Jerry.
Just because you dropped out of the sky...
and made this grand, romantic gesture...
doesn't mean that I'm going to automatically run into your arms.
Do you understand that?
- Yes. - Good.
Okay, I'm probably going to. But you shouldn't automatically expect it...
because if we're going to have the kind of relationship...
that one day you're going to be making up these fantasies...
Don't you ever, ever lie to me again.
I swear.
I'll never understand it.
Neither will I.
Inga!
Inga...
My God! My God!
I'm Nick Ragoni. I'm a friend of your daughter Inga.
I've travelled 12 thousand miles to surprise her.
You poor thing. You look frozen. Let me help you up.
Let me and my son help you up.
- Johann, come over here. - Ja.
Come on.
This man is obviously a fan of smorgasbord.
Ingmar, what 's going on?
Mother, he is an American friend of Inga's.
I hope you didn't go too much trouble to get here.
- Inga's not home. - What?
She's gone to Italy on a modelling assignment.
Won't be back for three months.
- Oh God, no. I can't believe it. - You poor boy. You look so cold.
You'll join us for dinner. Bridgit?
Get this man some soup from the stove.
Now this is Bridgit. She wants to be a bikini model...
...just like her big sister. - Nice to meet you.
And Bridgit 's coach will be joining us for dinner, too.
Oh, Nicholas.
Hello.
We meet again.
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