- ESTHER: Harry? - It's all right, Esther.
I can't sleep.
HARRY: There is a story about the Greek gods.
They were bored, so they invented human beings,
but they were still bored, so they invented love.
Then they weren't bored any longer,
so they decided to try love for themselves.
And finally they invented laughter,
so they could stand it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CHEERING)
- Harry! - HARRY: Bradley?
What are you doing away from Jitters?
I just took the afternoon off. I...
My wife's got a softball game out here today.
Ah.
Honey?
Hey, I'd like you to meet Professor Stevenson.
Harry, this is Kathryn.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
He's a... He's a regular over at the shop.
(CROWD CHEERING)
WOMAN: Take her down! One more! One more!
- HARRY: She seems very determined. - (CHUCKLING) You have no idea.
BRADLEY: Wait for your pitch, sweetie.
Yeah!
- There it is! There it is! Okay, take two! - JENNY: Gray! Melissa!
- BRADLEY: There you go! - Right here.
BRADLEY: Yeah!
(BRADLEY WHOOPING)
Don't even think about it.
Not bad, huh?
- Not bad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
BRADLEY: Take the lead. Go! Go!
(KATHRYN GRUNTS)
(CROWD SIGHING)
WOMAN: Nice save out there.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ALL WHOOPING)
(CHATTERING)
I'm sorry about it.
No. Well, that's true, though. Answer me this.
If your sport's suddenly being taken seriously,
how come we're wearing long pants and you guys are still wearing shorts?
Because we're hot.
Oh!
Hmm!
- Hey, that was a great play. - Thank you.
Join us. Sit down.
- Yeah. - Why not?
It was really good. Very athletic.
- Hey, I'm Jenny. - Hi. Kathryn.
- Nice to meet you. - Hi. Bradley Smith. I'm her other half.
And this is Harry Stevenson.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
How long have you guys been married?
- Almost... - Six years and a little bit of change.
You know, I think I'm going to go put some money in that jukebox.
Will you save my spot for me?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Oh.
BRADLEY: Anyway, I mean, I could tell you one thing, they...
They take the game seriously.
I mean, they're practicing three nights a week.
HARRY: Well, that's how you get it done. BRADLEY: Yeah?
HARRY: If you'd studied that hard, Bradley, you might have been a decent student.
I agree.
(TURN PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
I want to see
- Hi. - Hi.
What people saw
I want to feel
(WHISPERING) Hi.
Like I felt before
I want to see the kingdom come
Excuse me. Thank you.
I want to feel
Yeah, well, thank you.
Forever young
You hear that song?
That song goes out from Jenny to Kathryn.
From now on, that'll be our song.
I want to live in a world where I belong
I want to live
555-2189.
And I believe that it won't be very long
If we turn, turn
- ESTHER: Harry? - Hey.
How was your walk? Did I miss anything?
A cool breeze, softball game,
and two women falling in love.
- With each other? - And one of them is married.
Funny thing is, nobody noticed.
Not even the husband, two feet away.
(CHUCKLES)
- I'm sorry I missed that. - I imagine he will be, too.
His name is Bradley Smith.
Went to school with Aaron.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
- Good morning, Professor. - Oscar.
Where's Bradley?
He called in. Said he'll be a little late this morning.
- No peeking. - No peeking.
All right. Here we go. Ready?
(DOGS BARKING)
Oh, God. Forget it! No way! There is no way that I'm going in there!
Honey, honey... Honey, this is really important.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because you can't go through your entire life
being afraid of little puppies.
Yes, I can! I hate dogs. They bite.
No, no, no, no. They're not gonna bite you.
They're in little cages. I promise.
- I don't care. - Okay. Okay.
Look, just take a... Take a step.
We'll just go in. We'll check it out. If you get nervous, we'll come right back.
(DOGS BARKING)
Hmm?
Look. See how adorable they are?
Say hi.
Hello... Otis.
"Otis"?
You know, he just looks like an Otis.
Oh.
Hi, Sophie. Aren't you a pretty girl?
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Gordon, don't be sad. Somebody's gonna pick you, okay?
Randolph needs a haircut.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
And this one...
This one is Bradley.
Bradley, meet Bradley.
And she was right. This dog, Harry,
it looks exactly like me.
Didn't you tell me your wife was afraid of dogs?
No, no, no. Not anymore. I mean, she... I cured her.
See, I think Kathryn was trying to send me a subliminal message.
I think she was telling me that she wanted that dog,
the dog, Harry, the dog she named after me,
as a gift. Maybe for her birthday.
In fact, I know it. What do you think?
- I think I'd proceed with caution. - No, you don't understand. We need a dog.
I have been telling her we should have a baby.
She's the one who keeps saying she's not ready.
Bradley, if you get the dog,
you're telling her that you know her better than she knows herself.
So?
So, you better be right.
BRADLEY: You know what I feel like doing? I feel like just driving over there
and grabbing the little guy before somebody else gets him.
So just do it, though, you know? Go for it.
Yeah? You think?
You only live once.
Probably.
Harry?
Why are you asking me, Bradley? Your mind's made up.
Well, not entirely.
- Hey, you need anybody to work here? - Yes! Yeah.
I mean, if that's all right with you.
You...
You have any experience with this kind of work?
- No. - OSCAR: Neither did I when I started.
- Do you like coffee? - Not much.
OSCAR: She'll learn to love it.
But why here?
I don't know.
I just kind of felt a harmonic convergence in this place.
She's right, you know? I felt the same kind of thing.
Ah.
HARRY: Bradley.
I think you'd better hire the girl or you're going to lose Oscar.
And if you lose Oscar,
you're never gonna make it to the Humane Society in time to get the dog.
Good point. You're hired.
Man the fort. Keys!
Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi.
HARRY: Sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line
until you're already on the other side.
- Hey. - Hi.
Thanks.
HARRY: Of course, by then it's too late.
- You good? - Yeah.
All right.
Don't be nervous, okay?
Who says I'm nervous?
It must be pretty weird to be married and straight,
and suddenly you're thinking about a woman.
Yeah, well.
- Who said anything about... - It's right there. It's in your eyes.
Big, beautiful, hazel eyes.
Oh, man, we're going to have adventures, you and me.
It's going to be, like, Kathryn and Jenny.
Jenny and Kathryn.
- Name? - Chloe.
- Barlow. - "Chloe"?
It used to be plain old Chloe, but I customized it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, you know, Chloe...
You're really pretty. Has anybody ever told you that?
I think I scare guys off because I'm so intense.
Well, you don't have to worry about me in that department.
- Really? - Really.
Uh-huh?
That's the second time this week.
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, what are the odds?
Not two women again?
No, more conventional this time.
Classical, in fact, like Romeo and Juliet.
They laid eyes on each other and their fates were sealed.
Life will never be the same for either one of them again.
Now, don't you go falling in love at first sight.
Too late, my dear. I already did.
Did you talk to the dean today?
If you're going to go back to teaching next semester,
you've got to let him know.
Esther...
I'm aware of that.
(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING ON STEREO)
You know how every relationship has, like, a perfect day?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
It's just this day
and you look back years later
and it stands out from all the rest, you know?
Not because you won the lottery or anything, just...
Just an average day, but somehow... You know, perfect.
Today's like that.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me. Hey. Hello.
(WHISPERING) Yeah, I know. Me too.
This should be interesting.
- Please, Aggie. - Bradley.
I only need you to keep him till Friday, Kathryn's birthday.
- Kathryn is scared of dogs. - Not anymore.
- I took her to the pound. - But...
Besides, isn't that what relationships are all about?
Overcoming your deepest fears?
- His name is Bradley Jr. - Did you think of that one all by yourself?
No, smartass.
Billy, your Uncle Bradley's here! He brought along a friend.
- I'm gonna miss you. Here you go. - Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Only until Friday. - Yeah.
He likes you.
Well, would you look at that?
They have completely moved out, hammock and everything.
You never heard such screaming.
The movers told them to shut the hell up
or they'd throw all their things in the street.
Remember when they first moved in here?
I said I'd never seen a happier couple.
What did I tell you?
It's the house. It's cursed.
Houses aren't cursed, now. People are.
You're a jock, huh?
I used to be.
That was a long time ago.
That's my mom. She took off when I was in junior high.
Bat drove her away.
- Bat? - My dad. His name's Bathold.
People call him the Bat, so that ought to tell you something, right?
Yeah, he blows up tree stumps for a living.
Then he comes home, thinks about my mom,
and gets shitfaced.
Yours?
Yeah.
My mom gave it to me when I was a kid.
Do you sleep with him?
Yeah. What? Is that bad? He's a great little spoon.
Ex-jock druggie who still has a teddy bear?
Nothing hotter than that.
And what makes you think I'm a druggie?
Pisces, Virgo rising.
What was it? Coke?
E?
Heroin?
Sure, why not?
So, why'd you quit?
What makes you think I quit?
Oh, right. Pisces, Virgo rising.
Very good.
I had this dream one night while I was wasted.
There was this African monkey whispering all this creepy shit in my ear.
He said that if I didn't get clean I was gonna die young,
OD in an alleyway on a pile of garbage.
And that morning I woke up and I went to my first meeting.
It was seven months and two weeks ago.
I can prove it. I got my six-month chip.
Cool.
It doesn't scare you?
Most junkies, you know, even if they never use again,
it doesn't matter. It's too late.
They're just gone, you know, permanent zombies.
But then there's junkies where all the horrible places they've been,
all the horrible shit they've done,
the fact that they come back from it
makes them better people than if they'd never used in the first place.
That's you.
Hey, where's the little girl's room?
Across the hall.
Okay.
(GASPS)
Oh, shit!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Oscar! Goddamn it! You get that girl out of your room, Oscar!
Get the fuck away!
BAT: You do it right now, damn it! Do you hear me?
I should have warned you. I didn't think he'd be back this early.
BAT: Oscar! I ain't running a motel around here!
- You hear me? - Yeah, I heard you!
- Maybe we should just go out the window. - No!
We're going out the way we came in.
- BAT: Oscar. - You ready?
Hello, missy.
Pleased to meet you. The name's Chloe.
Yeah, well, don't you come in this house again unless I invite you.
There'll be trouble I can't be responsible for.
BAT: You hear me?
Hey, don't be scared, all right?
He is a mean son of a bitch, but I can be, too.
I'll protect you from anything.
Bradley, we have to talk.
No, hold on.
That's really sweet.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
It's a dog.
No. No, no. That's not... It's the dog.
That's Bradley Jr. That's the dog you picked out.
But I hate dogs and you know that.
No, you don't. You... You love dogs.
I would have said anything to get out of that room.
I don't want a goddamn dog!
And you know that, but you got me one anyway, because you...
- Okay. Okay, time out, Kathryn... - Because you have no idea who I am.
I mean, I might as well be invisible to you. What color are my eyes, Bradley?
- What? - Yeah, what color are my eyes?
- Green! - Hazel!
My eyes are hazel! I mean, Christ! You're an artist!
Okay, but there's a little greenish, hazel tint.
All right, listen, we're rushing the dog thing.
- You're right. - No.
No, it's not just the dog thing or the eye thing. It's everything.
It's every goddamn thing! I cannot do this for one more day!
- It's like I don't even exist! - What? You're leaving?
- Oh, so now you don't miss a thing. - Where are you going with this?
You know the shortstop, the one that you asked over to our table?
Yes! She tagged you out.
Yeah, well, I'm not the only one she tagged out.
But you wouldn't know that,
because you have your head so far up your ass.
Wait, you... You're friends with her?
Wow. Goodbye, Bradley.
If Kathryn's meant to be with women, so be it,
but I just can't help but think maybe I did something to cause it.
Mmm?
To put her off men forever.
But what? Never cheated.
I didn't lie.
I made love to her on a regular basis.
She fell in love, that's all.
One minute she was married,
next minute there was this person right in front of her,
whom she couldn't ignore no matter how hard she tried.
How do you know that?
Well, I was there when they met. So were you.
Bradley, look. Try focusing on simple pleasures.
You know? Small blessings.
Hmm.
Like... Like what?
That's not for me to say.
- I got my hair, right, Harry? - There's a start.
Okay.
Well...
- I got this place. - Best espresso in Portland. The best!
- I got my little dog. - A loyal companion.
I'm really sorry, Bradley,
but you can't have the dog back. We're going to keep him.
Agatha, that's my dog.
Not anymore. He's bonded with us.
- No... - His name is Gumbo now.
Wait! Wait. Wait.
We had a deal.
Well, that was then and this is now. I'm so sorry, Bradley,
(DOG BARKS)
But Billy loves the dog and we love the dog.
Don't talk to me about love, okay? My wife left me.
- I know. - Okay? For another woman.
I'm alone, okay? I want a dog. I need that dog!
Brad... Bradley!
My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I think Kathryn is a selfish bitch.
I think what you should do is go straight to the pound
- and pick yourself out another dog. - We had a deal!
I know. Well, I have to take it back. It's null and void.
Aggie, I need that dog, okay? Please. I...
This is not a joke. I'm talking about my stability, here.
- I know. I'm really sorry, Bradley, but... - No...
As Billy's mother, my responsibility is to him first, okay?
- Good luck. - No. No!
Aggie!
(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)
(WHIMPERING)
(WHISPERING) Hi, Bradley. Hi. Oh, God. How you doing?
Huh?
I missed you. I missed you so much.
Uncle Bradley?
Hey, how you doing, Billy? Come over here.
Come on.
I wanted to have a little talk with you. How are you?
- Mom's not here. - No, I know. I know.
I just... I don't know if you've heard or not,
but your Aunt Kathryn
has gone away to a place where boys aren't allowed.
And I'm all alone in the world, kiddo, and I need...
- I need Bradley Jr. - Who?
- Bonkers. - Who's that?
- Bingo, the dog. I need this dog. - But he's mine.
I know, I know, and someday, when you get a little older,
we're going to have a long conversation about the nature of deals, you and I, okay?
But I'll tell you what. Right now, look at this.
I want you to go buy yourself a brand new dog.
On me. Okay?
But that's not enough.
- Yeah, it is. - No, it's not.
It's... Okay, okay, okay.
- You can buy a horse with that. - It's still not enough.
AGATHA: Billy?
- Mom! - Okay, okay.
Is that Uncle Bradley's car?
I'm keeping the leash.
I'm taking this.
(HALLELUJAH PLAYING)
The newspaper said there was gonna be a meteor shower tonight.
So...
I figured this would be the best place to see it.
Hey, you know how when people are super rich,
they got those hallways at the front of the house, you know, by the front door?
OSCAR: And they put those grandfather clocks there and...
- You mean like a foyer. - Yes! Yes, like a foyer.
All right. It's the future, okay?
So picture this, Oscar of the future,
and I'm heading home from whatever cool thing it is that I decide to do.
- Where am I? - You? You're in the house.
- We live together? - Of course we live together.
What do you think?
- What kind of house? - Big.
I go get the mail out of the box, and we've got these huge fucking bills.
Never seen anything like it. Dentist, mortgage, electricity...
The guy, you know, that looks at your eye when you can't...
- The optometrist? - Yeah, him. He's there.
And you're in the foyer.
And you look out the window and you see me.
See my face?
- Yeah. - Do I look scared?
No. You look happy.
You know why?
Because I can pay those bills.
We got tons of money and I'm not scared of anything.
All right, your turn.
- My turn what? - The future.
- Close your eyes. What do you see? - Okay.
- Nothing. - Just look.
Okay, in the foyer, I see...
A table...
And...
- A staircase. - Excellent.
I'm going up the stairs.
Get to the top yet?
Almost.
What's up those stairs?
Look, Oscar.
Kids.
So many kids I can't count.
They're our kids.
I was hoping you'd say that.
- Really? - I told you.
I'm not scared of anything.
Hallelujah Hallelujah
HARRY: A man living alone is a king of sorts.
Unfortunately, his kingdom is small, with very few comforts.
Bradley looked up from his paper one day and realized
that no one burns for him.
(SIGHING) Harry, I really feel like it's time for me to get on with my life, you know?
- Put the past behind me. - That's a positive step, my friend.
- Yeah. - I gotta go.
(INAUDIBLE)
- Hi. - Hey.
Can I have a coffee? Large, black, to go.
Thanks.
- I think I've seen you in here before. - Probably.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
- You looking to buy a house? - Sell one, actually.
What about you?
What about me?
You're not looking to buy a house, are you?
- Rent, maybe. - Really?
- Well, sit down. - Okay.
Um...
How many bedrooms?
Uh...
Two. One for me, and maybe one for a little studio.
- I paint sometimes. - Okay.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
The place that I have right now is actually perfect,
except it's haunted
by a woman.
She's a lesbian.
My ex-wife left me for another woman.
Oh, I see.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- Shit! - No, we get this here. Hold on.
- We get this a lot, actually. - Yeah.
They said this was going to be a big one, but I didn't believe them.
Yeah.
- It looks like you've got that under control. - You think?
(LAUGHING)
Do you mind if I smoke?
No.
Of course I did hear a rumor
that those things are supposed to be bad for your health.
Not these. They're organic.
Oh! Those are the ones that cure cancer.
Exactly.
Look at that. Brilliant.
Not according to my ex.
She said that I had my head so far up my ass I never saw her.
And was she right?
I'm afraid so.
So you're the honest type.
To a fault.
Diana Croce.
I'm Bradley Smith.
It's been really nice talking to you, Bradley, but I gotta be somewhere.
Call me.
(MOANING)
Yeah!
DIANA: Oh, my God.
David, this wine is excellent. Do you want a glass?
Well, that was quick.
- Yeah. - You gotta be somewhere?
- Yeah, I gotta go. I'm sorry. - What? You've got a meeting?
Karen's car is in the shop. I gotta pick up my son at swim practice.
So, I've got about 10 minutes to get across town.
Listen. Tuesday. Noon.
I will bring even better wine, some lunch. I promise.
I'm really sorry.
- I can't do it. - What do you mean?
I have an appointment to show somebody a house.
- What? You can't change that? - No, actually.
It's this guy that I met, Bradley Smith. Runs this little coffeehouse called Jitters.
That's the only time he can make it.
Okay.
Well, I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
(SIGHS)
Why did you say that?
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(BOTTLES CLINKING)
(GRUNTS)
(MUTTERING)
Hey, Oscar, I want you to...
Goddamn it!
That fucking bitch!
- Morning. - Hey.
Honey, this isn't working out.
You guys are gonna have to find a place of your own.
Yeah.
I'm working on it. Nothing in here we can afford. I...
Well, I know a way you and Oscar can make some money.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Thank you.
I need some advice.
Sure.
Well, Oscar and I have been given a business opportunity.
Really?
And if we were to make this... tape,
it's not like it's something we don't do all the time anyway.
We could make, like, a thousand bucks, if, you know, people order it.
Oh, they'll order it. Blind people will order it.
Should we do it?
You haven't told me what you think about it.
CHLOE: I think if we were doing it just for the money
it would definitely be wrong.
What is it?
What's wrong?
(SIGHS)
A young girl asked me for advice today.
She was trying to decide if she and her boyfriend
should make a pornographic movie.
I hope you told her no.
I didn't.
No, I tried to give her a perspective.
I asked her questions. All very Socratic.
I let her make up her own mind. The same way I spoke to Aaron.
- Sweetheart... - What if I hadn't?
What if I'd taken a stronger stance?
What if I'd just told him, "Son, this is right. This is wrong"?
I mean, he wasn't my student, for God's sake.
He was my son.
ESTHER: Look at me.
Harry, please.
You were a wonderful father. Nothing...
Nothing that you could have done would have stopped him.
You don't know that.
We don't know what might have happened.
Do we?
Oh, Harry.
DIANA: You like it? BRADLEY: Yeah!
It's pretty much exactly what you asked for, Bradley.
One bedroom plus a studio.
But the important thing to remember about this place is...
The important thing is whether or not you had fun last night.
- Yes, I had a good time. - What's that, Diana?
- We always have a good time together. - How come you never got married?
Can we just stay on track here, Bradley, for a minute?
The owner will take a second mortgage,
which means that you can get out of renting...
Is it because you never met anybody as lovable as me?
Are you ever going to buy a house, or are you just jerking my chain?
It's perfect.
Really.
I'll take it.
Are you serious?
Oh, my God, I'm actually going to buy a house!
I love this place, really. It's perfect for you. It is.
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
Have I told you how grateful I am you came into my life?
Come on. You would have found a place sooner or later.
That's not what I mean.
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
That's all, folks.
That was amazing.
You're disgusting. That's a disgusting habit.
Hey, how's your boyfriend?
He's fine. Thank you for asking.
Okay, I gotta know something.
Mmm-hmm?
What do you see in this guy?
(SIGHS)
Well, he's not stupid, or inconsiderate.
He's not obnoxious, or violent,
or boring, or annoying.
He's not a bad dresser, he's not unemployed,
and he is not unhandsome, either.
An absence of disqualifiers is a rare and beautiful thing.
Oh, and did I mention? He's not married, either.
(TYPING)
Well, that makes me happy,
seeing you back at work.
ESTHER: Oh, I thought you were working on your book.
HARRY: No, it's just a letter.
- You're extending your leave of absence? - Indefinitely.
- But I thought... - I changed my mind.
Honestly, I just don't feel like I can be of much help to them now.
Don't be ridiculous. They're just kids.
All the more reason to stay out of their way.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(TYPING STOPS)
(TYPING RESUMES)
Need help with that?
No, thanks.
How'd you pay for those?
You been selling my shit?
I'm not a thief.
- Where's my pillow, then? Huh, bitch? - What pillow?
My wife give it to me in Atlantic City.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
I see right through you, whore.
I swear I never took anything from your house,
except Oscar and he's not yours.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Pretty little face.
Sure be a shame to open her up.
Go ahead.
You'll go to jail for the rest of your fucking life.
(GASPS)
See you later.
You have enough stuff?
- That's actually nice. - HARRY: Bradley?
- You think? - Where'd you get that?
Hello?
- Anybody home? - BRADLEY: Harry!
What are you doing here?
Well, I arrived about 28 years ago and never left.
I live next door.
- Here? - Yeah.
That's fantastic! We're... I...
- How did we never put that together? - I don't know.
Stranger things have happened. A re-gift.
I'll use it to christen the fridge.
It also makes a good doorstop.
Hey, honey! I want you to meet somebody.
I can't believe it! You know, I love this street. I love this area.
Bradley, there's something I need to share with you.
This house has a history.
Over the years, we've watched happy young couples move in here
and before you know it, they're at each other's throats,
and within weeks or months, they're moving out.
Separately.
Now, this has happened three times in a row.
Now, I'm a man of logic. I think it's just coincidence.
But, Esther, my wife,
she thinks supernatural forces are at work.
She thinks the place is cursed.
Hi.
Diana, this is Professor Harry Stevenson.
- Hi, it's nice to meet you. - Harry, this is Diana.
Nice to meet you.
My, my. You're even more beautiful out of the rain.
Now, how is it possible that you were unattached?
Well, I have impossibly high standards.
So, you think this place is haunted?
Well, my wife does.
Well, that's okay. We're not afraid of ghosts.
Hey, what happened?
Did you see the video guy? Did you talk to him?
- What'd he say? - Yeah, easy, sleazy.
- What'd he say? - Here, here.
That's it?
- Two hundred and forty bucks? - Well, nobody's ordering it.
- What do you mean nobody's ordering it? - It's not hot enough.
- What? - That's what he said.
- It's totally hot. You said so yourself. - Yeah, I know.
But, I mean, I'm just a little old girl.
You guys are too in love, he says. You laugh and shit.
I guess when it comes to porn, that's a drag.
This isn't enough for a place with a foyer.
Hey.
Hey, we all got dreams.
I mean, I want to buy new tits and a hybrid.
Oh...
Tell your friend he's an asshole.
Yes?
Hi. I left my bike out on the street. Is it gonna be safe?
Laurel and Hardy says it is.
Tarot reading is $12, palm reading, $12.
Guaranteed prediction of the future $20.
Well, can't get the future for free.
Okay, honey, what you want to know about?
I have this boyfriend, Oscar.
Handsome boy, almost pretty. That the one?
Okay, we'll start with a palm reading. You sit there.
When did this Oscar pass over?
Pass over? You mean die?
No, Oscar didn't die. He's fine. He's just fine.
Well, we can always ask the cards.
I've seen better cards, I'll say that.
Honey...
It's important to take the future with a grain of salt.
I want the truth, Mrs. Maggarolian.
Both Laurel and Hardy are telling me
that his future prospects are not so hot.
I didn't see that much of your future, so I'm gonna give you a little refund.
Stop on your way home and get Oscar
a couple of cheeseburgers and some French fries.
He'll love that.
If you really love him...
People can keep other people alive.
Trust me on that.
CHLOE: Oscar?
Oscar.
- Oscar, wake up. - What? I'm up.
Hi.
- Hey. - Hi.
- What's that? - I brought you cheeseburgers.
Oh, nice. I was just dreaming about cheeseburgers.
Hey.
Marry me.
- What? - Let's get married. You and me.
Really?
Yeah. Yes. Of course I'll marry you.
She's sorry she couldn't be here. She's writing up an offer.
She's dying to meet you, by the way.
From what I've seen out the window, she's quite a looker.
Oh, is she ever! I mean, what the heck she sees in me I...
I don't know.
- Must be your inner beauty. - Or all that free coffee.
Honestly, I feel like I'm the luckiest man alive. I...
She is this force of nature. I mean, she is so smart
and so sexy.
Totally unpredictable.
It's like living with a wild animal, or...
Never mind.
David?
Mmm?
Bradley asked me to marry him.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Bradley, the coffee guy?
Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHING)
Uh...
What did you say? How did you get out of that one?
I didn't, actually. I said yes.
What do you mean, you said yes? You...
You're going to marry him? You're going to marry him.
You're going to tear this guy apart.
- You know that. - Oh, come on.
That's what you do to the nice ones, Diana. Come on, I know you.
- Oh, Jesus, David. I'm not that bad. - I know every square inch of you.
Yes, you are that bad. You and me, we're the same like that.
- We're mean and ill-tempered. - Really? Well, not around Bradley, I'm not.
When I'm with him, I'm nice. I'm actually a nice person, David...
- Really? ...some of the time.
Okay. Well, if you're so fucking nice, what are you doing here with me?
I don't know. We're having sex, I guess. That's what we do, you and me.
We have sex and we drink wine. We drink wine and we have sex.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay. All right, so if you are going to marry this guy...
I am gonna marry him.
If you're going to marry this Bradley person
shouldn't you at least try to be with him exclusively?
You're the one with the wedding ring, not me.
- Yeah, it's not the same thing. - Yes, it is.
No, it's not the same thing!
You're going to enter into a marriage, a first-timer.
You haven't even tried to be faithful to this guy?
I was faithful to Karen for 11 fucking years!
I gave that marriage everything that I had.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! - What have you given this guy, huh?
What have you given him? Do you even love him?
- David, I'm done with this! - Do you love him?
I find him exceedingly lovable.
Yeah, that's not what I asked.
- Do you love him? - I don't know, David. I suppose...
Wake the fuck up!
What is wrong with you?
Get out of my house. Get the fuck out of my house!
No.
You're gonna marry a guy that you're not even sure you're in love with.
You deserve to be slapped. You're a cunt.
I'm gonna walk outside right now,
because I think that would be best for both of us.
- You're not dressed. - I don't give a flying fuck!
David.
Don't say anything.
Can we... Can we just stop for a minute and, please, can we just talk about this?
I think it would be better if we just don't see each other again.
- David, please don't say that. - This is a mistake you're making, Diana.
This is a soul mistake.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: And do you, Diana, take this man to have and to hold,
for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish from this day forward till death do you part?
I do.
You may now exchange the rings.
You first. Then me.
There you go.
By the powers vested in me by the laws of the state of Oregon,
I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that
with everything we found uncomfortable?
Kick it off into a flower bed?
Hey, you in the suit.
It's a wedding, not a funeral. What's the matter?
I'm just not feeling very festive.
- You know what might help? - What?
If you faked it.
Come on, let's show them how it's done. Come on.
(SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Esther's amazing.
I'll have to agree with you.
Can I trust her with Oscar?
Mmm...
Hard to say.
I mean, she's a passionate woman with needs, you know?
Hey, how come you two never had kids?
- I'm sorry, I just... - We did.
A son.
Aaron died last year
of a heroin overdose.
Here. Come, sit.
His death was hard enough to accept.
Almost as hard was the fact that
we had no idea he had a drug problem.
I mean, he was a top student. He was a doctor.
When the police called, we were sure that this was a mistake.
He had, like, a secret life.
And I don't know why.
Every day I try to figure it out.
The first sign.
The moment I didn't see.
A bit of unsolicited advice for you,
as soon as you get married, have a baby.
And as soon as you've done that, have another one.
- Have at least two. Okay? Two. - Okay, two.
Atta girl.
Hey, I'm gonna ask you a question, okay?
All right.
Oscar and me really need parents.
Mine are dead, and Oscar's only got the Bat.
Would you and Esther adopt us?
You know, unofficially.
That's cool. You need time. Just think about it.
Ta-da.
Voila.
Thanks.
- Hey, you hesitated today. How come? - When?
Just towards the end of the ceremony, right before the "I do."
I did?
(SIGHING)
Can't remember.
(CHUCKLES)
- What a day, huh? - Yeah.
Cheers.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
I love you, Mrs. Smith.
You know, sometimes I think love is just a trick nature plays on us,
just a way of bringing more screaming babies into the world.
You actually believe that?
Sometimes.
God, I think it's everything.
The only meaning there is to this crazy dream we're all trapped in.
Well...
(CRUSHING CIGARETTE UNDER SHOE)
I hope not.
Good night, sweetheart.
It's been lonely for you, I know.
And I'm sorry.
There's just the two of us now.
One day, there'll only be one of us.
It's an unbearable prospect.
That's why we have to love each other as hard as we can now,
while we still have the chance.
I love you.
(CRYING)
Six weeks and I still can't find half my stuff.
You didn't leave one of my boxes on the truck, did you?
No, I don't think so.
Well, it must be this evil house hiding my clothes,
trying to turn me against you.
Well, don't let it.
Here it is.
That looks a little big. Let me guess. An ex-boyfriend's.
Sweetheart, there was no one before you.
You were my first.
On our wedding night, you remember how scared I was?
Hey, are we supposed to bring something to this party?
DIANA: You are so... You're so fashion-phobic. It's great. I love it.
With the tie on?
You're the best-looking guy here. It looks great. Enjoy it.
- Thank you, dear. - It's okay.
Well, listen, regarding this house,
I mean, Chloe and Oscar need a place to live.
And if you find some great place, I'll help them out.
We don't even have to let them know, you know?
I'm on it.
- I think I found something. - MAN: David!
I found a house with a great neighborhood.
Michael, nice to see you.
- WOMAN: How are you? - Good, good, good.
That sounds good. You all right?
I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?
Just a beer, please.
- Hey, Scott, how you doing? - Hey.
- White wine. - Thank you so much.
Diana Croce?
- I'm sorry? - Karen Watson.
My husband, Dave, and I bought a house from you a few years ago.
Oh, right. The two-story Georgian.
- Exactly. - On Walnut Street.
- So you're still happy with the house? - Oh, well, we love it. At least I do.
David's just so busy.
He's not around much.
I'm... I'm sorry. Could you excuse me?
I left the house, I asked my wife, "Do you have the directions?"
She said, "I don't have the directions."
I'm like, "Well, I don't have the directions."
So we get in the car and start driving and I use my little thing,
and I press the button and put the address in
and I start going. It says, "Make a right. Make a right."
Diana.
Hello, David.
That's... That's my shirt you're wearing.
Yes, it is, as a matter of fact.
Do you want it back?
No, it's a little late for that.
You know that was a birthday present from Karen.
No, I didn't know that.
And besides, there are hundreds of shirts like this
walking around Portland, David.
But that one's got a button missing from the left collar.
Yeah. Well, I'm sorry about this hideous mess that I've created.
And don't worry. It's gonna be okay. Just...
Tell her that what happened between us was a mistake
and this whole thing is over.
She loves you. She'll forgive you.
It's not over.
KAREN: David?
We need to leave.
- Oh, right, we're moving. - Inside.
- Yes, we're moving. - This is the last of it?
I think so.
- I'm hungry. - You're hungry?
- What're you gonna make? - Should I cook something?
Your famous toast?
(LAUGHING)
- Hello, buddy. - Nice place you got here.
Yeah, you call this home?
Sorry, buddy.
All right, pull up, Eric, and Lee, square up by the tree.
Hit me.
OSCAR: Good one, man.
- I'm out for a second. - All right, let's keep it going.
Good job on that.
Thought you hated sports.
Is it true, what I heard?
Yeah.
You moved out?
Yeah.
The day after the barbecue, actually.
Why didn't you call me?
Because you're married.
See my little jig there? Got my water bottle. What's wrong?
- Shit. - Yeah.
MOVER: The dolly's in the truck, right, Dave?
Sir?
That'll do it.
BRADLEY: It seems like I'm just this transition
for women on their way to something better.
At least it was a man this time.
- I thought that might be a consolation. - It's not.
- Sorry. - It's worse.
(BRADLEY JR. WHIMPERS)
How do I make a change? I can't go through this again.
Harry, I swear to God, I'll lose my mind.
Oh, shit. Bradley, listen.
You just gotta stay alert.
What does that mean?
Well, everything we need to know is going on right in front of our eyes.
Yeah, we have our illusions about people, our hopes,
and they can blind us.
But the end is always right there in the beginning.
Kathryn said I never saw her.
Maybe I never saw Diana either.
I was just looking for some piece of happiness,
so I closed my eyes and jumped.
- Okay, so next time... - Don't jump, I know.
No, no, no, no, no. Jump! Jump, but with your eyes open.
Come on, Bradley.
Go for a walk?
This way. Come on.
(BARKS)
What?
Was it just to keep me guessing
For a means to the end?
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Ghost
(INAUDIBLE)
(STABS)
(GASPS)
Harry! Harry! Please!
I may need a little help.
(DOORS BURSTING OPEN)
Miss? Miss? I have an injured man who could use a little help here.
- What happened? - He had an accident.
- No, I did not. - He sliced off the tip of his finger.
- But it wasn't an accident. - Bradley.
- Bradley! - I did this to myself on purpose.
Bradley, shut up!
Hold still.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Can I ask you one?
- Two, actually. - That's only fair.
Uh...
You go first.
Why did you do this to yourself?
I wanted to feel,
in my body, as much pain as I feel in my heart.
You have questions for me?
What's your name?
Margit.
Margit? Where are you from?
I'm Hungarian, from Budapest.
Ah.
What caused you this pain in your heart?
My eyes.
I had them closed for so long.
Then when I finally opened them,
(SIGHS)
I wasn't ready for what they saw.
Hey.
Do you think love is a trick nature plays on people
so that we'll make more babies?
Or do you think that it's everything,
the only meaning there is to this
crazy dream?
(SIGHS)
The second one.
Which do you believe?
Unfortunately,
the second one.
(LAUGHING)
Do you want to have dinner with me sometime?
Oh.
How is he?
Do you want the good news or the bad?
I don't think I can take any more bad news.
Well, the good news is his finger's gonna be all right.
And the bad news?
Bradley's in love again.
All right, guys.
JANEY: Come on, look at the camera. Hi, wave.
Hi, Janey.
Getting out of bed
Harry, I took your advice.
What advice?
I'm pregnant.
Congratulations.
- And you know what? - What?
We're gonna have another one. Right away. Gonna have two.
That's my girl.
'Cause your love is mine
JANEY: Say hi to the bride and groom.
Hi!
Your love is all mine
What's making you smile like that?
Looking out the window
An unusual man.
An innocent man.
An open-hearted man.
Someone who has given tremendous love
but never had it returned.
Not in the way he deserves.
Your love is mine
OSCAR: Hey, Chloe!
This is you and me.
I've got this feeling
That we'll always be all right
Yeah
HARRY: You know when two people belong together.
Oscar and Chloe knew it.
So did Bradley and Margit.
Turns out that Bradley finally found someone
who loved him as much as he loved her.
They fit together.
It's a peculiar thing, what happiness does for people.
He actually became friends with Kathryn and Jenny
and Diana and David.
Bradley realized that
you can't hold someone's love against them.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
And hut!
PLAYER: Yes!
Go right.
- Almost got it. - Okay...
PLAYER 2: Don't let him get around the outside, man.
DAVID: I'll make a hand-off to Craig and cross at the middle. Okay, Oscar, you...
- Hey, Romeo. You with us? - All right.
The defender should bite. Head for the end zone. Game over, okay?
- On "69." - All right.
Hut!
PLAYER 2: Get there.
Get it! Get it! Get it!
He got it!
- And that's it. - DIANA: Nice work, baby!
Oscar?
What happened?
Hey. Hey, Oscar.
You all right?
He's not breathing. Somebody call 911!
He's gonna be fine. He's gonna be just fine.
I'm a doctor.
You're gonna be okay. We're all right here.
It's okay.
He's okay.
(GRUNTS)
Okay, I've got a pulse. Let's get him to St. Luke's.
- Get the car. - You're gonna be just fine, okay?
Okay?
Please?
MARGIT: Careful!
This is Dr. Vekashi. I'm coming in with a witnessed cardiac arrest.
It's going to be all right.
MAN: Come on, come on, come on! DIANA: Okay?
- MARGIT: Okay. - All right, go. Go, go, go, go.
Outta the way, outta the way. Outta the way.
(HONKING)
The patient is barely breathing.
MARGIT: Weak pulse. CHLOE: Breathe!
Have the cardiac team ready.
BRADLEY: Shit! Get out of the fucking way!
Go! Go!
Goddamn it!
(HONKING)
Goddamn it!
He's not breathing! He's not breathing!
- Please make him breathe. - Come on, Bradley. He won't last.
Help! Please!
(SOBBING) No!
(MINISTER PREACHING INDISTINCTLY)
Bradley?
Hey.
I had a feeling I might find you here.
I figured after today...
It was awful, wasn't it?
It was too sad.
Unspeakable.
God is either dead or he despises us.
You don't really believe that.
Maybe.
I saw the most remarkable thing just now.
I wandered into the stadium.
I thought I was alone, but down on the 50-yard line
there was a young couple making love.
I watched for longer than I should have.
I was envious.
And then I felt sorry for them.
There's so much they don't know.
Heartbreak they can't even imagine.
(SIGHS)
Well, even if they knew, it wouldn't change anything.
How so?
Well, Chloe knew what was gonna happen to Oscar.
- What do you mean she knew? - She did.
She went to some psychic lady who predicted the whole thing.
She believed her?
Yes, Harry.
She did.
And she didn't run away.
She didn't crawl into a hole.
She found them a house,
she threw away her birth control, and she married him.
God doesn't hate us, Harry.
If he did, he wouldn't have made our hearts so brave.
(BRANCHES RUSTLING)
Hello, Bat.
Who the fuck are you?
Harry Stevenson.
I don't think we've had the pleasure.
What's that?
What do you think?
Well, what's it for?
- For that whore that killed my boy. - Now, wait a minute.
I was told that that was because of a congenital heart defect.
I don't need to listen to that crap! I got business here.
So do I.
(GROANS)
Now, listen to me.
You are not to bother that girl ever again. You understand me?
You are not to blame her for your miserable life.
You do, and I'll kill you myself. I swear it. Now get the hell out of here. Go on!
Harry?
- It was the Bat, wasn't it? - It's all right. He's gone.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Chloe...
You asked me if Esther and I would be your parents.
I thought you were just being kind to an old man
after I told you about the death of my son,
so I didn't answer.
And I didn't know that you already knew that terrible things were going to happen.
Esther and I want you to come and live with us.
Be our little girl.
Say yes.
Please say yes.
Yes.
(CRYING)
Yes.
Esther and I will give you and your baby all the love we have left to give.
Let's go home.
HARRY: The unexpected is always upon us.
And of all the gifts arrayed before me,
this one thought at this moment in my life is the most precious.
And so, we begin again.