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Mr. Dobson ...
it's time for us to do what the good Lord would refer to as a cleansing of the wicked.
And what my brother, George, God rest his soul ...
used to call 100% Alabama ass-kicking.
So you think we're gonna die here today?
Dying's not an option.
Now, you stick that back in that gray matter of yours and you make that stick.
'Cause any other thought's gonna get you cold-slabbed, toe-tagged ...
and mailed home to your mama in a plastic bag. Are we crystal?
Crystal, sir.
Gentlemen! Let's do what God made us to do!
This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell ...
of the Ruggsville County Sheriff's Department.
You're completely surrounded!
You have no chance of escape!
Now would be the time to vacate the premises peacefully!
Fuck.
There's a million fucking cops.
Come on.
Otis, them fucking pigs are everywhere.
Tell me something I don't already fucking know.
We gotta fucking do something!
You're completely surrounded! You have no chance of escape!
I count 10 cars, about 45 pigs.
I know, I know! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck!
Shit, where the fuck is Tiny?
I ain't seen Tiny.
Tiny? I think he went out last night.
Look, everybody shut up.
Mama, what's the matter?
I keep thinking about old times.
Like when you was a fucking baby.
You know, you looked like an angel.
I know, Mama, you told me that a million times.
Yeah.
Gentlemen!
On the count of three!
- Ready? - Yeah.
One!
- I love you, Mama. - I love you, Baby.
Two!
Let's go.
Three!
Motherfuckers!
Die, you fuckers!
- Fuck, you okay? - Yeah! You?
Yeah. Fuck!
Ready?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, go, go!
Hold your fire!
- Dobson, get some tear gas in that house! - Yes, sir.
Mama!
Come on! Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Do not fucking move!
I advise you to lower that weapon.
I'm sorry, Sheriff ...
but you ain't getting me.
Looks like you ain't getting off that easy, huh, bitch?
All right, everybody, listen up!
I want this place gone over with a fine-toothed comb.
Wherever these fuckers are, they gotta be close.
I am standing outside the perimeter ...
of what is turning out to be the most horrific crime scene ...
since Jack the Ripper stalked the streets of London.
What police have uncovered reads like this:
"Words can't describe it.
"Human skulls used as ornaments.
"Body parts stuffed in refrigerators."
And I can't believe what it says here. "A mass grave of decomposing bodies ...
"dumped under the crawl space of the house."
Hey, Chief. You might want to check this out.
- What? - I don't know.
Jesus H. Christ. The motherfucker.
What? You recognize the clown?
Yeah, his name is Spaulding. Captain fucking Spaulding.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Give it. Give it to me.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Ride the horse, baby!
- Ride it, ride it, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - You're the Captain.
Oh, yeah, honey! Give it to me.
- You're the Captain. Come on, baby. - Yes! Yes!
Oh, ride it, baby. Ride it. Ride it. Ride it. Feels so good.
Yeah, give it up! Give it! Give it!
- You're the Captain. - Yeah! Oh, come on, baby!
Ride it, oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!
- Oh, yeah! - Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!
Oh, honey, you're getting a good ride tonight.
Next time you're gonna have to pay me.
Did you just call me a fucking whore?
I calls them like I sees them.
Really? You think I'm a fucking whore?
I don't think it, I know it.
Whore this, fucker.
Hey, hey, hey! Come on now, baby, hold on.
I'm just messing with you. You know us clowns. We like to ...
We like to just fool around a bunch, you know. Come on.
Yeah.
Laugh.
Clown, laugh!
Honey.
What's the matter, bad dream?
Yeah, 50-50.
You wanna fool around some more?
Oh, Jesus Christ, woman, I gotta take a piss.
No.
Hey, didn't you get enough ass-banging last night?
God damn it, my dick is still sore.
Come on, I'm horny.
Most guys like that quality in a girl.
Yeah, except you're acting like some kind of spastic mongoloid in heat.
- Fucking bitch. - Hurry.
- Where is it? - Just calm down, it'll be on in a minute.
- There it is. - You're there.
You look so sexy.
Well, howdy, folks. It's your pal Captain Spaulding again.
Yes, I'm here to tell you about a brand-new attraction.
Mary the Monkey! Oh, yeah, that's right.
This here little honey is half real human, half monkey ...
I love that monkey.
... I brought all the way from the wilds of Borneo.
So y'all come in, make sure you bring little Johnny and Suzy with you.
She'll scare the holy guacamole out of them.
And remember, while you're down here ...
pick up your "Captain Spaulding for President" T-shirt.
Yes, yes.
All shapes and ... .
Hey, what the fuck? What the fuck is this?
I paid good money for this goddamn commercial.
Sheriff, News Update. What is the situation here now?
- situation? - Yes, what's the situation?
Now what? God damn it!
Yeah, what?
- Daddy, you gotta get out of there. - What?
The pigs hit us this morning real bad. You gotta get out now.
- Who's that? - Shut the fuck up.
They're gonna be coming for you, too.
All right, all right. Just calm down, Baby. Calm down, now.
I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel, just like we always planned.
Yeah, okay.
I'll be there as soon as I possibly can, all right?
All right, just go now.
Poopie, what do you need a gun for? Where are we going?
You ain't going nowhere, bitch.
- Poopie, I'm worried. - Get out of my fucking way.
If you're out there listening to this, I got a message for you.
I'm coming to get you. And you can't run forever.
You're gonna have to stop somewhere, sometime.
And when you do, I'm going to be there to put the wrath of the Lord up your ass.
Poopie, don't go.
God damn it, stop calling me Poopie!
- Leave me alone, woman! - I want my Poopie.
- Leave me alone! - Poopie, no!
In an attempt to help the Ruggsville Police Department ...
we here at News Update would like to show you these mug shots of the suspects ...
known to have escaped during the raid earlier this morning.
$100 ...
$150 ...
$175 ...
$184?
What? Candy!
What?
Candy, come on down here!
Get ... Come on, cut that out. Turn it off.
Candy, come down here!
Come on down here!
All right, shit.
What?
This is bullshit, baby! What is this?
What do you want me to say? It's a slow fucking night, boss.
All them farmers want is a quickie hand job, and boom!
$10.
Back on their tractor, save the real fucking for the sheep.
Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure a way to hook them in.
You gotta hustle that pussy.
Find a new angle, and you might attract a higher clientele.
Yeah, well, I've been thinking about that, right?
I was thinking about something spacy, you know, like that Star Wars shit.
You know, all them losers wanna fuck Princess Leia, right?
- I'd fuck her. - Thank you.
I don't know.
You start messing with that spacy shit and you'll really bring out some sick bitches.
They'll all want to pretend they're robots.
Last thing I need is horny robots running around, tripping over shit.
- Droids, boss, they call them droids. - Whatever!
I still say it's risky.
Wong's Hong Kong Gardens, Mr. Wong speaking.
Cut the shit, Charlie. It's me, Cutter.
I got a serious meltdown going on down here and I need a place to cool out ...
so I'm coming down.
Fuck, man, I don't think it's such a great idea, you coming around here.
I am coming down now.
- Whoa, hold on. Hold it. - Fuck.
Hold it!
Fuck.
Man, I don't see him.
Shit, where the fuck is he?
Jesus, can we get over this already?
I mean, I just don't find it funny anymore.
I don't know. It's still pretty funny.
I'd say so.
I hate to be the one to tell you "I told you so" ...
Then don't!
But riding a mechanical bull is not as easy as it looks.
Technically, she had a pretty good ride. Until tragedy struck.
Hey, the lesson here is that ...
tube tops are not the proper attire for bull riding, Gloria.
I agree with you.
You're gonna have to put a harness on them little suckers, honey.
Know how her titties were flapping around when she was bouncing on that bull?
My titties don't flap!
They looked like two raccoons in a gunnysack fighting to get out.
Adam, shut up!
When her top fell down, I was going to pee myself!
"I was going to pee myself!" You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any titties.
Oh, Gloria, come on. No reason to get mean, now.
Come on, honey.
You had one titty going this way and one titty going that way.
It was pretty amazing.
Chances are pretty high you made a few fans that night.
Oh shut up, dipshit.
Well, I told Johnny Cash, and he said ...
Did you know I shook hands with Johnny Cash once?
Oh, Roy ...
how about, honey, you go find me the ice machine, huh? I need a drink.
Well, I'll get you the ice, but you gotta promise us an encore tomorrow.
Roy.
You wish, honey. Don't you wish?
The babies are going into seclusion.
The leader of this group ...
who is somewhat of a local celebrity, goes by the name of Captain Spaulding.
Along with two other suspects, known as Otis Driftwood ...
- Oh, shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! - Calm down.
... police uncovered what they call ...
- Don't worry, I'll get us a room. - Well, hurry the fuck up.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
... in the family's basement.
Police revealed today that they believe ...
most of the victims were drugged, kidnapped and sexually assaulted ...
- Damn it. Fuck. ... before they were murdered.
Hey, Roy, I was doing some research on that thing I was telling you about.
- What thing? - Rodeo clowning.
Rodeo ...
A rodeo clown. You been smoking dope.
Yeah. I mean, no, not right now.
Let me tell you something.
You spend one second in that pen ...
and that bull'd have his horn up your ass and sticking out your pecker.
That's exactly what I thought you'd say.
You know, you can never be supportive of anything I wanna do.
What do you want me to say?
That you're dressed for the part and you're headed in the right direction?
Well, Adam was saying ...
You know, I've always been good with animals.
I mean, dogs love me, and ...
isn't a horse kind of like a big dog?
I don't know.
No, you're not clown material.
Forget it.
I'm gonna walk on over to the gas station. You want anything?
No. Yes! Get me some of that beef-jerky.
Thanks for talking.
You know, I could have been on that pit crew down in North Carolina.
Yeah.
Hey, pussycat.
Hey, got a light?
No. I don't smoke.
My doctor says I got lungs like a professional athlete.
Oh, I get it. You wanna live forever.
Yeah. Yeah, well ...
So, what, are you on vacation all by yourself or something?
Yeah. No.
I'm actually out here with my singing group.
I do the lead singing for it. It's called Banjo and Sullivan.
I used to sing with Johnny Cash. He shook my hand.
I love famous people.
They're so much better than the real thing, you know?
Well, yeah, I suppose they are.
I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
Would you say that again?
I bet all the girls wanna fuck you.
Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
Trust me, fellow, that ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
Don't tell me that. You said what? Say that again.
That ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
It's so depressing. Well, let's talk about some of the symbols ...
of these groups, like the inverted cross, or the pentagram, or the number 666 ...
left at the scene of the crime. What do you think about that?
This is not an isolated incident.
Well, members of these cults realize they have no chance of attacking God directly.
So the next best thing ...
Oh, hey, Adam, could you switch this for me?
I just can't stand to hear about this anymore.
Do I look like Roy?
I'm Sullivan.
Roy Sullivan.
Well, Roy Sullivan ...
you gonna take me back to your room and play with me?
My wife's in that room.
Or is my brother gonna have to shoot your fucking teeth out of your head?
What?
Okay let's go, Hoss, move it.
Just makes me sick to my stomach ...
to think that we live in a world where there are satanic cults.
Come on, Gloria, it's a bunch of crap.
- I don't know. - Well, look at these two idiots.
They're just exaggerating all this shit to try and kick up ratings.
They wanna get people scared, so they stay at home and buy TV dinners.
Fuck me running.
I don't know about that yet. Been busy down in Ruggsville.
Ruggsville? Ruggsville can kiss my ass.
Ain't nothing but a bunch of local cousin-fuckers corn-holing the livestock.
Could you just switch it for me anyway, please?
Jesus Christ, I don't know how Roy puts up with your shit.
What is taking Roy so long anyway?
Hey, whoa.
On the bed! Now! Get on the bed!
- Whoa, easy with that. - Get on the bed!
Easy.
- What's going on here, Roy? - Shut up!
Quiet! Quiet!
- Roy, what the hell is this? - Shit.
God damn it, look at that jacket!
- What? - On TV.
Well, fuck the TV.
Fuck the TV? Fuck you!
Hey, fuck you! Will you just keep your head on the business at hand here?
- Who's in the shower? - Oh, that's my wife.
- God damn it! Or what? - Don't fucking touch her!
I'm sorry, what are you gonna do, man? What the fuck are you gonna do?
I want to know, what the fuck are you gonna do?
Wendy!
Get the fuck out here! Come on!
Don't hurt her, please.
Now, is this everyone?
Hey, Roy. Open up.
I got some of that Dr. Corndog's hickory-smoked jerky.
Who the fuck is that?
That's Jimmy. He's our roadie. I forgot all about him.
Baby, are you all right?
Now I know I can't trust you.
I'll go.
Hey.
I'm sorry, I got the wrong room. I'm looking for Room number 2.
No. You got the right room. Come on in.
- Is Roy in there? - Roy's in here, all right. Come on in.
Get your ass in here! On your knees!
Roy, help.
Shut up!
We're at the scene of a horrific multiple murder. No telling just how many victims ...
God damn it! Fuck!
... office is in the process of recovering the corpses ...
which are in varying states of decomposition.
It's certainly being treated as a site of a mass homicide. If initial figures prove ...
Come on, honey, Mommy has to get to work.
If I'm late one more time, Mr. McDonald is going to can my ass.
I am hurrying. Hold on, I dropped something.
Will you get in the car?
Come on, let's go get in.
Hey, Mom, a clown.
Yeah, yeah, a clown.
Oh, hi.
Hi. I'm going to have to be taking your car today.
See, I have some top-secret clown business ...
that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.
What's that about clown business?
Do I stutter, bitch?
Jamie, get in the car. Lock the door.
Where the hell you going, damn it?
Don't you never turn your back on a fucking clown when he's talking to you!
Get your fucking hands off of me!
What's the matter, kid? Don't you like clowns?
Why?
Don't we make you laugh?
Aren't we fucking funny?
You best come up with an answer, 'cause I'm gonna come back here ...
and check on you and your mama.
If you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns ...
I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.
All right, now get your fucking ass out the car! Go on! Yeah, yeah!
Shit!
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...
look at these.
... those who come to you with open heart.
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...
look at these.
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...
look at these.
Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees ...
look at these.
Hoss, are you staring at my sister, thinking bad thoughts?
No.
- Why not? You a faggot? - No.
Well, what are you? I mean, you got this hot piece of ass ...
shaking her shit right in front of you and you're not getting any ideas?
What do you call that?
I'm a married man.
A married fucking man. Hey, that's just great.
Well, let's give him a big round of applause, folks ...
for the married man. Come on.
- All right. - Married man.
Okay, mama, front and center, on your feet.
Don't hurt her.
Get on your feet. Come on, let's go.
- Please, mister, this is insane. - Boy ...
the next word out of your mouth better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit ...
'cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.
Okay, come on, mama. Take that shit off.
Let's see what's been holding Hoss' balls at attention all these years.
- What? - What?
Take off your clothes, or one of these assholes is going to die.
Come on, come on.
Shit, way to go, Roy. She ain't too bad!
She got a tight little ass on her.
Yeah, she's got some child-bearing hips.
Yeah, hey.
- Please don't hurt me. - Here.
Jeez, Roy, I'm beginning to see what you mean. Whoa.
Please don't hurt me.
You like this, don't you?
Say, "Yes, I do."
You like that, don't you? Say, "Yes, I do."
Yes, I do.
Oh, yeah. Okay, now.
Give me some sugar.
Make it sweet. You don't want me to tense up my trigger finger.
Finger's getting a little tense.
Say what I want you to say.
You're my devil. I want you to make me my filthy whore.
Come on, say it. Come on.
I know you're feeling it.
I know you're feeling it. Say it.
You're my devil ...
and I want you to make me your fucking whore.
Oh, you make me sick!
I feel like we're all really getting to know each other now.
All right, ladies, me and the boys have an errand to run.
We'll be back in a little while. Come on, Hoss, move it, let's go.
Come on, shit stain. Gotta go.
Come on, come on, God damn it.
Authorities struggle to comprehend the grisly remains found in ...
what is now being called the most heinous crime in American history.
The group responsible for these murders is now being referred to as ...
The Devil's Rejects by the local media.
A woman known only as Mother Firefly was taken into police custody today ...
after a violent gun battle with police that left four officers dead and seven wounded.
I'm Derek Sanderson, bringing the world to your doorstep.
Open the gate.
Ma'am ...
my name is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell.
Let's see. Who do we got here?
Miss Gloria Teasdale ...
alias Eve Wilson ...
alias Southern Betty Woods ...
Betsy Woods.
And of course, alias Mother Firefly.
He can read. Congratulations.
Four counts of grand theft auto ...
five counts armed robbery.
What's this?
Looks like your specialty ...
17 counts solicitation and prostitution.
You've been one busy whore.
I bet them old farm boys love you.
Everyone loves me.
Don't you pretend ...
you don't fancy me.
Oh, yes, ma'am. I find you quite irresistible.
- Dobson. - Yes, sir.
- Put them books over there. - You got it.
Ma'am, do you recognize these books here?
Yeah.
Ain't she an angel?
Well, she gonna be one dead angel when I catch up to her.
You, your whole clan, you dead already.
You're just ghosts, just waiting to expire.
And the way I figure it ...
the only choice you got is to cooperate and tell me where they are.
That way your little angel over there ...
don't have to die like no dog in the streets when I catch her.
- Are you done trying to scare me? - No, ma'am.
As God is my witness ...
I have only just begun.
Oh.
Sheriff, can I show you something?
I'll need this book here.
I did never get around to putting these in the book proper.
But I thought ...
you might enjoy them.
You know ...
he was a real sweetie pie.
Tall. Big mustache.
Bald head. You know, I feel kind of bad ...
about blowing his brains out.
'Cause he seemed like such a nice man.
I think he said ...
his name was also Wydell.
Was he kin to you?
Listen to me. You better listen to me good.
I'm gonna kill every member of your family.
I'm gonna hunt them down like the animals they are ...
and I'm gonna skin them alive.
They are gonna feel the pain and the suffering of every last victim.
They're gonna crawl on their hands and knees ...
and they're gonna beg me for mercy.
But all I'm gonna have for them is pain. Pain and death!
Well, you go get them, Sheriff!
Go get your ghosts!
Them ghosts are gonna crawl right up in your head!
Sheriff!
You found yourself into something you ain't never getting out of!
We'll get you! We'll get you!
We'll get you! You're dead, Sheriff!
You're dead!
I'll see you in fucking hell!
Hey, Hoss, you like this song?
Do you like this song?
I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, really?
- Which way? - Take a right.
So you like that Top 40 shit?
And I thought you were like some kind of true blue-balls ...
Ernest Tubb country fucker or something.
You're nothing but a city faggot with a cowboy hat.
Stop here.
Okay, get out.
This way. Go ahead.
Follow the yellow brick road.
That's right.
Go on.
You know, Hoss, if I'm not mistaken ...
I think I can still smell your wife's pussy stink on my gun.
Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.
Oh, man.
You know, the stress of the day is really setting in on me.
Would you guys happen to know how a guy like me could relieve some tension?
Maybe ... I think your wife, Wendy ...
boy, looks like she could relieve some tension.
- Mister, where are we going? - Got them little titties.
Oh, we're going down the road here.
Little titties, she's got a tight little ass.
Does she like it when you puke? I mean, is that part of your deal?
Where are you taking us?
Well, I guess it wouldn't do no harm to tell you now.
See, we're going to go dig up some guns I buried out here a couple of years ago.
Then what?
Well there ain't no what. That's the end of the road.
What?
You're not going to kill us, are you?
Well, killing sounds so permanent.
We did everything you want, mister. Why don't you just let us go?
We did what you said.
Well, you know, first of all, I didn't say anything.
And second of all, I'm calling the shots!
Consider me fucking Willy fucking Wonka! This is my fucking chocolate factory!
You got it? My factory!
Get him, Roy!
Grab the gun, Roy!
Roy!
Please, mister, stop. Please, stop.
Stop? Bitch, I have just started.
You know, I was going to take it easy on you, boy.
But you brought this down on yourself.
You had to come all fucking big stick, walking tall like a big fucking hero.
Got yourself to blame, hero. Look at you now, hero.
You're gonna fucking bleed to death.
Fuck you.
That's what they all say. "Fuck you."
Well, it ain't going to save you.
It don't scare me none and it don't suddenly make you a fucking hero!
Want to see what happens to heroes, boy?
You want to see badass, motherfucker? I'll show you badass!
Roy! Roy!
Hoss, I want you to pray to your God.
I want you to pray that he comes and saves you.
I want lightning to come down and crash upon my fucking head!
- Jesus. - Louder!
Bless the bunnies, bless the little birds ...
- bless the -- - I don't feel anything!
Bless the springtime morning and ...
I feel it! Oh, great God almighty, I repent! I repent!
Oh, I feel the love of the God! Oh, God almighty!
Oh, the Holy Spirit is in my body.
I am the devil and I am here to do the devil's work.
Roy! Roy!
Roy!
You fucking motherfucker! Son of a bitch!
I've got other plans for you, hero!
Shut the fuck up!
Can I go to the bathroom, please? I'm about to piss myself.
Excuse me.
Can she go to the bathroom? Please?
What? I heard you the first time.
I was just thinking, what are you gonna do for me?
What?
You could go piss yourself for all I care.
If you want special favors, you gotta give me something in return.
What do you want?
I want you to hit her in the face.
- What? - I know you heard me.
Go ahead.
Go on.
Make it hurt, no love taps. I want to hear it.
Harder. She ain't gonna break.
You better make this next one fucking count!
Good. Very nice. Now you come here.
Right here. Kneel down.
Give me a kiss and say, "Thank you, Baby, I'm having a great time."
Thanks, Baby, I had a really good time.
Now make it fast, bitch!
Don't try anything cute!
Shit.
Now what do you wanna do?
Help!
Damn it, I knew that fucking cunt would do something stupid!
Shut up! Open the fucking door!
Open the goddamn door!
Hold it! Hold it!
Please, somebody help me!
What are you gonna do, shoot me?
What did I ever really do to you?
I swear I'll do it.
I'll kill you.
Why would you wanna kill me?
I'm your only hope. My brother's fucking crazy, you've seen him.
Please!
Wendy, it's all right! Come on out!
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me right in the ass.
Stupid cunt. Ain't no bullets in this thing.
It's all fucking mind power.
Help me! Somebody! Please! Please!
Help! Help me!
Help me!
- Whoa, darling. - She's crazy!
Daddy, grab that bitch!
Hey, Chief, I think I got something.
- What? - This Captain Spaulding guy.
Captain Spaulding is a character from Animal Crackers, the Marx Brothers movie.
Well, I'll be damned.
You think it means anything?
I don't know.
I'll tell you what, you get that movie critic over here.
- What's his name? - Marty Walker?
Yeah, that's him. You tell him to get his ass over here as soon as he can.
Tell him to bring whatever information he's got about the Marx brothers ...
particularly characters Groucho played in his movies.
All right. I'll get right on it.
This shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
Shit, Daddy, I didn't think you were coming.
No, I'm cool.
Where the fuck is Otis?
Ain't back from getting the guns and shit yet.
You wanna fuck with me, huh, bitch?
You ain't got what it takes.
He fucks this up, I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
Can you believe this bitch had the fucking balls to try and fuck with me?
Oh, Coggs. Nice of you to make it.
You enjoying your meal?
What? I gotta eat.
If my blood sugar gets off, I'm not going to be good to anybody.
- You ain't no good to nobody anyhow. - Listen here.
That movie expert guy's here. You want to talk to him? You want me to bring him in?
All right, all right, I'm getting right on it.
Mr. Walker, come on in, please.
Sheriff Wydell, it's a pleasure.
I rushed right over as soon as I got your call.
You came to the right man.
I happen to be a self-proclaimed Marx brothers expert, if I say so myself.
Well, I'm sure your knowledge of bullshit is limitless.
Why don't we get to the point? What do you got for me?
Well, I got a fucking grocery list for you ...
of all the major Marx brothers characters and related characters.
And I made a secondary list of any and all films having to do with Groucho ...
including such gems as A Girl in Every Port and Skidoo ...
where Groucho played the part of God!
Directed by Otto Preminger, who happened to be Jewish!
Although he played a Nazi commandant in Stalag 17, directed by Billy Wilder ...
Otto Preminger also directed Exodus.
And it's rumored that at the premiere Mort Sahl stood up ...
yelled at the screen, "Otto, let my people go!"
Give me that damn list.
It's ironic, don't you think? Nazi in the State of Israel.
They're all here. All the aliases.
Rufus Firefly, Otis Driftwood ...
- Captain Spaulding, all of them. - Hey, Chief.
You know, I'm thinking we ought to track down this Groucho Marx guy ...
ask him a few questions. Maybe he's involved.
Idiot, he died last year.
- He died, didn't he? - Oh, God damn it.
God damn it. See, that right there is one sad pathetic state of cinematic affairs.
If you weren't a cop, I'd wring your neck.
Hey, hey. Let's take that down a notch.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
That sneering, rotating, gyrating pelvis son of a bitch ...
he died three days before Groucho, stole all the goddamn headlines.
That goddamn fucking Elvis Presley!
What did you say about the King?
- I said he died three days before Groucho -- - Cunt!
You ever say another derogatory word about Elvis Aron Presley ...
in my presence again, I will kick the living shit out of you!
Now you get this Hollywood-loving pussy out of my face!
- Elvis was in Hollywood! - Get the hell out of here!
- His first film, Love me Tender ... - Get out!
... was based on the Irish folk song.
Fuck Groucho!
Would you fucking knock?
Where the fuck you been?
Did you get everything?
Yeah, I got everything.
You motherfucker, where the fuck have you been?
Hey!
You got a problem with my time frame, Son, you best spit it out right now!
Yeah, I got a problem. I got a big fucking problem, Bozo!
Well, make your move, Heidi! Two hits.
I hit you and your dick hits the fucking dirt.
Old man, you ain't hitting nothing!
Come on, cut the shit, we gotta get the fuck out of here!
What are we gonna do with this one?
Leave her for a maid to clean up.
I got a better idea.
We regret to inform you that your Banjo and Sullivan show ...
will be canceled for tonight.
No, please! No, please don't, please!
Housekeeping.
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
Help! Help! Help!
Help me!
Jesus Christ, what a fucking mess.
A 40-ton truck has a tendency of doing that, Kenny.
Listen, you mind getting one of your donut brigade ...
to go on over there, scoop up some of that skull matter ...
put it in a bag for the meds?
Yeah, you got it.
Is that the lady who found her?
Yeah, the maid. Miss Maria Gomez.
- She say anything? - Yeah, a lot of things.
But I don't speak-a no Spanish.
It's all mumbo-jumbo to me.
Shit, what am l, mayor of Tijuana or something?
Got one guy.
Clarkson, he speaks Spanish.
But he called in sick.
With what he calls explosive diarrhea.
Would you mind sparing me any further details ...
about your deputy's asshole, Kenny?
Señorita Gomez?
No.
What did I tell you? She's useless.
Hey, Chief.
Got a couple of shit-kickers over there, says they're here to meet you.
- Recognize those guys? - Yeah, I know them.
What's going on, shitheads?
Sheriff.
Here's a list of names I need you to run down for me.
That's a funny-ass name.
Yeah? Look who's fucking talking, Rondo.
Just call me if anything connects.
I'm sure it will.
Shit always floats our way, don't it, Chief?
Well, you keep your mouth open wide enough, maybe you'll catch it all.
Don't fuck this up, assholes.
Have fun scraping all them brains up off the road.
See you later, Kenny.
This is bullshit.
You know, I trust that fucker Charlie about as much as I trust you.
Where the hell do you get off talking shit about Charlie?
Hey, I know what I know, and I know I don't like that nut sack.
Well, unless you got a better suggestion ...
I suggest you keep your fucking pie-hole shut.
That is the only remotely safe place I know about.
Hey, man, if anyone's interested ...
I think I might be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
"Hey, man, I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles."
Don't you fucking imitate me. It's fucking rude!
"I know what I know, and I know I don't like that nut sack!"
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
Two fucking seconds for the kid, is that going to kill you?
Yes, it is going to kill me.
I have calculated the time, and two seconds ...
is the exact amount of time that's a hazard to my fucking health!
Come on. Don't be such a fucking drag. I'm starving.
Eat this!
What is your fucking problem? I'm in and out in two seconds.
You know, I think I'm gonna get me some tutti-fucking-frutti.
Tutti-fucking-frutti. That sounds good.
- Tutti-fucking-frutti! - Shut up!
Tutti-fucking-frutti!
- Shut up! - Tutti-fucking-frutti!
Tutti-fucking-frutti!
Listen, there is no fucking ice cream in your fucking future!
Delicious.
I don't know why you have to be such a grouch. This is really good.
Here, have some.
Fuck you.
Tutti-fucking-frutti.
Hey, piggy.
Yeah, over here, come on. Come and get it.
Yes, Mr. Wy-fucking-dell.
Piggy, come over here and get some.
Don't fucking move, clown.
You looking for somebody?
George?
What the hell you doing down here, George?
- I live here now. - No.
You got that all wrong, George. I mean, this ain't your home.
I got no choice, Johnny.
This here is my fate.
I cannot rest until this whole thing is over.
And I'm asking you, brother.
Kill them, John. End this shit now.
I'm walking the line on this, brother. I'm walking the line.
Well, Mother, pin a rose on me. That is so great.
I want these motherfuckers dead.
- Kill them! - I'm sorry, George.
- Yeah. - Hey.
I think I found your guy. Yeah.
A friend of mine, about 10 years ago ...
he used to buy hooch from this guy out way here.
Went by the name of Wolf J. Flywheel.
Yeah. But his partner called himself The Captain.
Sounds like the fuckers we're looking for.
Yeah, Wolf J. Flywheel. That name's on the list.
Apparently now Wolf J. goes by the name of ...
Charlie Altamont.
All right, good. You know what to do.
We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.
So, is the shit on?
The shit is on.
Fucking A.
Open the door, Deputy.
Take the night off, Freddy. I'll watch the prisoner.
Well, well, well.
Working late tonight, aren't we, Sheriff?
What's the matter?
Can't sleep? Peril running loose in the streets?
Or did you just miss Mama?
As a matter of fact, I was feeling kind of lonely.
I knew you couldn't stay away.
I got that power over men.
Women like me are a rare breed.
- Don't you agree? - Oh, yes, ma'am, I do.
I ain't been broken, you know.
Men like that.
You got me going this afternoon.
You think you can break me?
You like it rough?
Oh, honey ...
you can have it any way you want.
I don't want it rough.
I like it hot ...
and slow.
Hot ...
and slow.
Hot ...
and slow.
Real hot.
- You like that, Mama? - Oh, yeah.
You like that, Mama?
Check this place out.
I know that ain't Cutter ...
walking towards me with that stupid grin!
'Cause I know I swore if I ever saw that dumb cunt ...
no-good, piece-of-shit, motherfucking brother of mine ...
he'd soon be a dead piece-of-shit ...
no-good, motherfucking brother of mine.
Okay, everybody in the peanut gallery, Simon says hands up.
He said, put your fucking hands up!
What the fuck is this shit?
You bring us all the way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us?
Nice fucking plan, Daisy!
Just do it, you crazy, pig-fucking --
What did you call me?
Well, if you gave me a chance, I was going to call you ...
a crazy, pig-fucking, dumb-ass, pussy piece of shit!
Oh, brother, you's a dead man.
Ain't that the most goddamn realest water gun you ever did see?
Oh, shit, that was great, man.
Sorry about that. It's just a little game we used to always play on folks.
- And it still works! - Hell yeah!
That's a fucking hoot.
Charlie, this is my daughter, Baby.
- My niece? - Yes!
Oh, you all grown up! Give me some love, Baby!
And you remember happy boy here.
Are you still an asshole?
Hey, this is Casey, my most limber lady.
And this is Candy, my special lady ...
and my top-earning gal.
What you looking at?
- I'm looking at you, mama. - Yeah, you see something you like?
Maybe. I set my standards pretty low, so I'm never disappointed.
Oh, well, I don't disappoint.
Well, fuck, let's go inside!
No sense standing around like stone-foot roosters in a fuck farm!
- Let's celebrate. - Oh, yes.
You know, I gotta tell you ...
that's some catch phrase you got there.
Devil's Rejects.
What, you got something to say to me, clown?
I bet you scare lots of folks, don't you?
Yeah, you a regular fucking killer.
You want a piece of this, motherfucker? You want a piece of this?
What you got? What you got?
Lord, I am your arm of justice.
Lord ...
I am your arm of justice.
Your righteous sword of vengeance.
Let my blows be true.
Lord have mercy, what a morning!
- Clevon? - Yeah, boss?
You know why I come here to get these chickens?
No, boss.
'Cause my brother makes the best fried chicken in the world.
Is that right?
Yeah. Good morning, good morning, sir. How are you?
How y'all doing? Good morning.
Good, good, good. What you got for me?
Well, we got these ...
- real cute Barred Rock chickens here. - Yeah, I see them.
Got them nice long-legged Rhode Island Red chickens.
- Rhode Island Red? Oh, I like them! - Them's are nice.
I want a Rhode Island Red for me, all right, two of them!
- Rhode Island Red, two? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, y'all ain't planning on fucking these chickens, are you?
What the fuck are you getting at?
Do you fuck chickens?
Well, I have thought about fucking some chickens before.
If you wanna have a good time and you need some pussy ...
you can cut that chicken's head off ...
stick your dick in that ass of that chicken ...
and that damn chicken will go crazy on your ass and go ...
Are you saying that I would cut off a chicken's head ...
put my dick in it ...
fuck it, and go ...
You accusing me of fucking a chicken, motherfucker?
No, I ain't calling you a chicken-fucker ...
but that boy over there looks sexually frustrated and ...
I don't approve of chicken-fucking.
You hear what he call me, boss? I ain't no chicken-fucker.
My mistake, my mistake.
Grab the fucking chickens, Clevon!
Chickens ...
Here. $5.
Appreciate it, thank y'all.
He's the chicken-fucker!
It's all right, put it back there.
Next time we'll go someplace else.
We ain't never buying chickens from him again, boss!
Yeah, I know.
You inbred! Inbred!
Wolf J. Flywheel?
Get your motherfucking pimp ass over here now.
Who you talking about, man? Who you talking to? Who?
What's going on, Sheriff?
What'd we do?
What's going on, baby?
You and me, we're gonna have a little powwow ...
about a certain Captain Spaulding and his merry band of assholes.
Captain who?
You know exactly what I'm talking about, am I correct?
Hey, Sheriff, not in the middle of the street.
Ain't no sense in getting crazy out here.
See, I don't like y'all motherfuckers playing dumb with me.
Now, let me tell you the way it's gonna go down.
You're gonna make sure all three of them dirtbags are present ...
and accounted for, tonight at midnight. You got me, Charlie-boy?
You understand me?
Charlie, you got me?
What if I say no?
Then I'm gonna shoot your ass right fucking here and now.
You and that other ugly motherfucker.
Now, I'm going to forget this conversation ever happened.
Tonight. Midnight.
It's a bad day to fuck with me, Charlie-boy.
Hey, we got you this far.
Shit.
Without us ...
you'd still be swimming around with your head up your ass.
Hey, Chief, don't sweat it. Have a beer.
It's all gonna work out to your satisfaction.
If I were you, I'd put the beer down ...
and keep your mind on business ...
before business jumps up and bites you right in the ass.
Don't worry about me, boss.
They're gonna think goddamn King Kong came down from Skull Island ...
and raped them a new fucking asshole!
Hey, man, don't give me none of that cocky-ass, yardbird ...
pumping iron, "I'm the baddest motherfucker that ever lived" horseshit.
That might work on some Johnny-redneck bail jumper ...
but that don't mean shit to me.
Then I suggest you pick up the Batphone and call some new motherfuckers in.
You're a dime a dozen, man, fuck you.
Fuck me? Fuck you, motherfucker!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! We gotta cool our shit here!
Look, you hired the Unholy Two ...
'cause you wanted the best money could buy.
Now you got nothing to worry about. We're gonna get the job done.
We might talk a lot of shit, but we will get the job done.
Now here's the deal.
I don't give a good goddamn what condition they're in.
I just want them alive long enough so I can piss in their face before they die.
You are one sick fucking pirate.
Hey, Billy Ray. Your mama's on the phone.
She owes me $14. Get down here. Come on.
You better keep a rope on that asshole.
Yeah, I know. Now look, Chief, let me explain something to you.
You've been using a bazooka to exterminate three little roaches.
Now, when you hunt roaches, you don't blow up your house.
You send in an exterminator, so he can ...
He crawls like a roach.
He thinks like a roach. He has a little roach mind.
You be careful, or maybe you'll get stepped on like a roach.
I'm gonna tell you something, brother. You have got it made.
Please, man, don't be fooled by the glamour.
I got trouble. Don't get me started.
What kind of trouble you got, man? You got hot and cold running pussy on tap.
Man ...
dealing with these greedy bitches ain't all it's cracked up to be.
- Brother. - Brother.
Go ahead. Take another. Take another.
Now take a hit on this.
Oh, man, I gotta piss.
- Take one for me too, man. - Yeah.
Hey, listen, you got a nose like a vacuum cleaner.
Don't do up all my cocaine.
Oh, brother, would I do that to you?
No. You're my brother, and I love you.
All right. All right.
But I love my cocaine better. Fuck you.
Oh, man, that's some cold shit right there.
Well, any port in a fucking storm.
Charlie, my brother.
My brother.
I've been looking for you, clown.
You gonna start the killing, you best start it right here.
Make sure I'm all the way dead.
'Cause I will come back and make you my bitch.
Bitch that, motherfucker.
Get up, bitch!
Stop it!
Stop it, motherfucker!
Now get them scumbags in that truck.
It wasn't personal, brother. Business is business, baby!
You asshole!
She's right, Charlie. You are an asshole.
Why don't you get on your fucking horse and ride?
All right, let's get this freak show on the road!
What the fuck you doing? Get the fuck up!
You know, I got to thank you all ...
for helping me understand what my heritage is.
You see, the Wydells, they've always been vigilante justice.
You know, my granddaddy, he rode with the likes of Tom Horn ...
killing scum like you for a living.
We've always been devil-slayers.
Wake up!
See, I tried to walk the line.
But now I realize there is no line.
But we here ...
we are playing on a level that most will never see.
I know my brother, George, he didn't see it.
Maybe he had a divine moment when his brains hit the floor.
Yeah, well, maybe you will, too.
I got over here some photographs ...
of every missing person within 100 miles of this shit hole.
Valerie Green.
Take a look at that, man, she was beautiful, huh?
Hell, anybody'd fuck her.
This is what she looked like ...
when we pulled her out of your little fucking torture shack.
She ain't so fuckable anymore, huh?
Oh, yes, she is.
I cut her tongue out and tied her to my bed for a month.
Busted that bitch wide open.
Well, then you get to have this as a souvenir.
What about Mary Knowles?
- Anybody? - That fucking bitch is mine!
No, no, she was mine. I did her. Come on. Bring it on to me!
No, she's all mine.
Baby, shut the fuck up!
Baby, you want her?
You got her.
Fuck, fuck!
Come and get it, motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
See this picture?
That's my brother, George.
Old George, he was a good man.
Very trusting.
I'm sure that's what got him killed.
Anyway, y'all take a good look at that.
Because that's the reason you gonna die tonight.
Yeah, I remember him.
Stupid fuck, just like you.
Come at me like some kind of matinee fucking cowboy idol.
All I had to do was point him in a direction, and there he goes.
Officer Wy-fucking-dell to the rescue.
Daddy!
And I hate fucking clowns.
- You couldn't stop us by yourself! - Harder!
I slayed me a devil just the other day.
What do you think?
See any you like?
You liar.
Those photos ain't real. There's no way you killed Mama.
No, Baby, they're real.
You take a look at her right there.
You take a look at her eyes, the way they are right there.
She's dead.
You know what I did?
I took my knife and I stuck it in her real good.
Kind of twisted it a little bit.
Kind of, like, fucked her with it, you know?
I'll tell you, that old whore came before I fucking took her miserable life.
You motherfucker, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You're gonna kill me?
- You're gonna fuckin' kill me? - Get off me, fucker.
Take a good look at that, bitch. Take a good fucking look.
You were her little angel.
Her little angel.
That's why I got something special in mind for you.
Yeah? Well, I can't fucking wait.
You want it? Here it is. Come and get it. Come on!
From delusion, lead me to truth.
From darkness, lead me to light.
From death, lead me to eternal life.
Hallelujah! Are you feeling it, brother?
It's time to end this little charade.
Look.
You're free.
Run.
I said fucking run!
Burn well, motherfuckers.
Come and get it!
I can hear you, Baby girl.
I can hear you!
I've got something here for you.
What's that I smell?
It smells like rabbit!
It's me, Charlie. Calm down.
You did it! You fucking ruined everything.
Calm down, Baby, this is not the time!
I gotta get you out of here.
- Daddy and Otis are still in the house -- - I'll get them.
But first we gotta get you someplace safe. Come on.
Cutter! Cutter, wake up!
Cutter! Wake up! Cutter!
Wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up!
- Wait in the car, and I'll go get them. - I wanna go.
Don't ... Just get in! Come on.
Stay put.
Charlie!
Run, Baby girl, run!
Run!
Run! Run!
Run, run, run!
Lord, I bet that hurts.
Man, I could hear that bone shatter from right here.
What the hell we got here?
Look here, I got something for you.
Oh yeah, I got something for you.
Hey, get up!
Come on, come on. I said, get up!
You know, I don't know about you.
But I sure wish I had a bullwhip for this occasion.
But I found this. I reckon it'll do.
No!
You like that? You like the feeling of being helpless?
At the mercy of somebody sadistic who aims your death?
Not such a fucking party, is it?
Did I make you feel trapped?
Fuck you!
Fuck me? Oh, no.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Tiny.
Daddy and Otis are still in the house. Go get them.
The nails! Get the nails!
Tiny, Tiny, come on, man!
Daddy!
Baby! Baby!
Daddy, are you all right?
Yes, yes.
You sure about this?
We'll come back for you.
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