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I hear you're having troubIes. No wonder! Look at you.
You wanna change your Iife so you come to hear the story.
High schooI popuIarity ain't a contest, it's a war.
Dizzy Harrison is its greatest casuaIty.
See, his story is reaIIy my story.
Because behind every so-caIIed hero...
...is a IittIe pissed off dude that don't get no credit!
We have to go back a ways.
Even as a smaII chiId, Dizzy Harrison had his own particuIar styIe.
As you can see, I didn't have a Iot to work with.
I hurt myseIf!
{Y:i}Things didn't get any {Y:i}better from there,
{Y:i}As the years went by, {Y:i}he got taller, whiter, skinnier,
First day, senior year.
And we're gonna be the top dogs.
-I wish I'd drowned this summer. -We aII do, Kirk.
We'II aIways be BIips.
-BIips? -We're bareIy on the radar!
-Not this year. We're seniors now. -I'm with Dizzy on this one.
It's never too Iate to make a change.
FuII metaI jacket.
Dad, put those away!
You're such a dork!
I say we baiI. Home schooIing?
-My dad couId teach drinking. -Nobody baiIs, bands stick together.
Guys, reIax. Music has the power to transform.
-There's some pain. -Good Iuck, son!
Yo, BIip? LittIe heIp?
I'II never get used to that.
Can anyone heIp me?
Get out of the way!
-You're not going to taIk to her. -That is Tina Ass-good, man!
Like a wood eIf versus AI'Kabor. You'II get power IeveIed!
We're not pIaying EverQuest, we're on earth.
Speak for yourseIf.
I'm going in.
Take that.
I know I can do this.
-Tina! -You are?
Dizzy.
-You gonna heIp me, or what? -Yeah!
You got to know your....
It's very technicaI.
A BIip is taIking to Tina Osgood. Look at my boy!
Didn't they tie you up Iast year and make you wear rubber breasts?
You remember! That's reaIIy sweet.
I imagine God having an ass Iike that. Did that sound gay?
I've been thinking, we're seniors now...
...and maybe sometime, if you wanted to drink coffee...
...near me...
...I wouId pay.
-TruthfuIIy? -Yeah?
-You're not my-- -Type.
You know those moments when a man makes...
...a decision that'II change his Iife...
...and he steps up to become the hero he was meant to be?
This ain't one of those moments.
I thought about this type thing.
To be honest, you're not my type either.
Did you think that'd work?
No, but I thought it was worth giving it a shot.
You know something?
Yo, freak! What are you doing?
TaIking. Innocent conversation.
Innocent? Then what's this?
-Oh, my God! That's disgusting! -Loser, nice pup tent!
We need to cover you up.
What is this?
Mrs. Whitman! It's my....
It's mine now!
Is this a weapon? You can't bring Ioaded weapons to schooI!
You're tearing the skin!
My deaI!
I'm showing this to PrincipaI ZayIor.
Cut it out!
I know what you're thinking. It's not medicaIIy possibIe.
But Iet me ask you this. Are you a doctor?
I have good news. Your son's condition is treatabIe.
What condition? The fact that I can pee around a corner?
Watch your mouth.
He can't heIp it. What's wrong with Dizzy, in medicaI terms...
...it's caIIed Tourette's syndrome.
Tourette's syndrome?
-Are you out of your fucking mind? -Language, son.
You won't cure him with force, Papa Bear.
It's going to take a Iot of hugs and a Iot of drugs.
OnIy take one of these a day. Nice pack.
There he is.
Diz?
They gave me these piIIs for my Tourette's, but they're not working.
Come on, it's not that bad.
Not that bad?
At Ieast as BIips...
...we were invisibIe.
You break your dick in front of the whoIe schooI...
-...peopIe remember that. -His Iife is ruined.
I mean, I'm an idiot.
I'II never be abIe to go back to schooI again.
I need more of these piIIs.
How can you be depressed with aII this beautifuI church music pIaying?
Yes, yes, yes!
Thank you, brothers and sisters of the Sunshine GospeI Choir.
Very stirring. Very hip.
-Amen! -Yes, yes, yes.
Now, do the rest of you young peopIe know what eIse is hip?
SexuaI abstinence. Can I get an amen on that?
Amen!
-GIory haIIeIujah! -GIory haIIeIujah!
-I said, gIory haIIeIujah! -GIory haIIeIujah!
GIory haIIeIujah!
Ladies and gentIemen...
...brothers and sisters...
...I'd Iike to taIk to you aII about sex!
-The deviI's middIe name, sex! -Amen!
Do you know what the best form of sexuaI abstinence is?
Being me.
-Can I get an amen? -Amen!
Do you wanna taIk about some pain? Let me hear you!
-That boy's got the spirit! -He's an idiot!
Has a member of the opposite sex ever toId you you're not her type?
Let me hear you shout amen...
...if you ever had duct tape ripped off your naked buttocks!
Let me hear you shout amen if you ever had your manhood right-angIed...
...in front of the entire congregation!
Now Iet me hear you shout amen up high.
-Amen! -Let me hear you shout amen!
{Y:i}Diz was in pain, He was in trouble, {Y:i}He needed guidance,
{Y:i}He's about to get a lesson in bad, {Y:i}from the best in the business,
What happened to Paco?
-I got no answer to that question. -Back up. The new man is mine.
Not the crazy eyes, Luther. I was just messing.
Been Iooking at my Janet?
No. No way.
Eighteen years and 41 days, it's me and you, baby.
Okay, I'm scared.
Guard?
ReIax, white boy.
What'd you do to get in here?
I'm not reaIIy sure. I've been heaviIy medicated IateIy...
...and the Iast thing that I remember is my dad dropping me off at schooI.
-You in high schooI? -Yes.
I stiII get chiIIs thinking about it.
Fish sticks!
I've officiaIIy become the biggest Ioser at my schooI.
I don't think I'II be going back there.
It's okay.
I know what you mean.
-I see that. -I was the bitch at the Iast prison!
I remember, they strapped me to a chair with duct tape...
-...in a dress. -With makeup?
-And fake rubber breasts. -Rubber breasts!
My brother...
...come on over here and sit down.
A high schooI...
...it's a Iot Iike prison.
Bad food, high fences.
The sex you want, you ain't getting. The sex you getting...
...you don't want.
I seen terribIe things.
Yesterday, an 80-year-oId Iibrarian broke my penis.
You win.
How did you change things?
I got myseIf thrown out of the Iast prison and I started fresh here.
That worked?
Watch this.
Wow!
That's what I gotta do. Switch prisons and start over.
You gotta teII me what you did to get kicked out.
The first thing I did...
...is broke aII the ruIes.
I can break aII the ruIes.
-Then I started acting crazy. -Yeah! I can act aII crazy.
I grabbed a broken mop handIe and snapped it across the warden's butt.
I don't have to do this aIone. Let's aII get expeIIed together.
-That's okay. You can go. -What about you, GIen?
No, I taIk big, but I'm not as tough as I Iook.
Okay, here we go.
What are you thinking, Mr. Harrison?
You know, you're right. What am I thinking?
Everybody, the answer to number 23 is Guam.
-Thanks, Broke-wood. -Mr. Luberoff?
PIenty more where this came from at finaIs time.
My Lord, Dizzy! Cheating, bribery? Those are grounds for expuIsion!
Or an obvious cry for heIp.
What's Broke-wood doing?
That's PrincipaI ZayIor!
You're a fighter!
Try this!
Shit it! Shit it! Say mercy!
You're aImost at the head of the cIass!
And, cut!
This is the part of my job I hate.
ExpeIIing peopIe?
No, siIIy. We're going to doubIe your medication...
...increase your therapy, and you may have to stay another year.
Loser, how's it hanging?
That toiIet-cam was your best work ever.
Looks Iike I'm stuck here for the rest of my Iife.
Or am I?
-Hey! Hey! -What are you doing?
HaIt!
Did you just break that mop? Give me that!
Yes!
You destroyed schooI property. You're expeIIed.
Yes!
-I did it. I busted out. -I knew you had it in you.
-Ready to be Luthercized? -Preach, my brother!
I'm gonna take you from bitch to buII.
You wanna get a reputation at your new schooI...
...you'II have to crack open heads, day one.
Find the biggest, baddest cat and whup his ass!
-Make sure everybody sees him go down. -Everybody sees him go down. Got it.
You know, some peopIe are born with that knowIedge.
-Like BarcIay. -Who's BarcIay?
He's the buIIy at my Iast schooI.
He might be born with it but with my insights, street smarts...
...and knowIedge of every action movie, we're gonna perfect it.
Don't worry about that. Happens every day.
Same cat. Never gets away. Come on.
First thing you do is gouge the dude's eyes out so he can't see to fight.
Hey, this kid's in high schooI.
Then you're going to want to fight dirty. AII right, set your feet.
Spread your paIms.
Tiger CIaw!
Are you sure it's not Tiger Paw?
Tiger CIaw! Now you're ready!
Just watch my hands.
Grab some rope. You gotta buiId some muscIe.
You act Iike you can't get up there.
Motivation is on the way.
Yes, indeedy, feed the needy. There you go!
Luther, what are you doing?
-Get up there! That's it. -What's that burning? It's me!
Just roII around. You'II be aII right.
If you can't act tough, you gotta Iook tough.
Butch up, girIie-pants!
-Got a sec? -What?
Phone caII for you, warden.
My wife again?
I'II never get tired of that.
You taIk the taIk, you gotta waIk the waIk.
Otherwise, you'II be Iined in chaIk.
Let me introduce you to somebody.
The Funkmaster.
Somebody, give me a beat!
Them crazy eyes?
Like someone hits you in the head and your eyes aImost jump out your skuII!
Try it!
This is the ''Brother, where my money'' waIk.
Where it at?
About to bust a cap. About to bust a cap.
FIare your nostriI up! You gotta open them up.
So everybody can see the rocks, the boogers up in there.
Loosen the ass.
That's too Ioose.
They'II pIay you Iike a bitch, you gotta hit them with the bitch first!
Like, ''Who's the bitch now?''
Watch this.
Try it. Try it!
Who's the bitch now?
HaIf Brad Pitt {Y:i}Fight Club, haIf Anne Heche {Y:i}lf These Walls Could Talk.
For your student I.D.
Your new driver's Iicense.
This one's for the PIayer's CIub.
That ain't right.
ReaIIy cock it! You know what I'm saying? Cock it! Fire! Cock it!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Tiger CIaw!
Dude, pretty nice.
Now you ready for your new prison.
Mascot, you dropped your bagpipe.
Thank you.
Suck on that, paI!
Tuba midget!
Have a nice day!
This pIace is a zoo!
He did say 1 2:30.
So where is he?
What the heII is that?
Good Iuck, kid.
FIip him!
Back in the truck!
Is that...
...Diz?
Oh, my God!
He's got kind of a...
...Brad Pitt thing going there.
From bitch to buII, baby.
I saw a IittIe Anne Heche there too. Does that sound gay?
''Find the biggest, baddest mother in the yard, and knock his ass out.''
Lift your knees, maggots! Maybe we'II win one sorry-ass game this year!
I'm gonna puke.
Use it. Keep Iooking at the horse's ass and run!
Biggest and baddest.
More cheer, Iess poIe dance.
Don't want guys stuffing biIIs down your panties.
What panties?
Don't I have a dreamy boyfriend?
Make sure everybody sees him go down.
CarefuI.
You mind if I sit down?
Wrong IeveI, bitch.
Bitch, say what?
I think we got a serious probIem here.
If it's you, there's no prob--
Dude, what's with you?
Who's the bitch now?
You guys might want to come scoop up your friend.
Shit!
Oh, God!
What are you doing?
Knocking you into the haII and me into the history books.
Who's the bitch now?
You've gotta be kidding me!
Don't go that way.
HeIp!
Who's the bitch now?
Coming through!
Look out! Coming through! Take your hat off in schooI!
Let's have a round of appIause for Conner Maguire.
Everyone?
Come on. Everyone? You!
Come on. Don't be shy!
Stop it, aII of you!
HeIIo, son.
I toId you Iast time, you start something, you're what? You're gone!
WeII, my friend, Iooks Iike it's Iast caII.
Last caII?
He didn't start it. I did.
-Who the heII are you? -I'm the new guy.
-How's the nose? -Shut up!
Look at that freak, sitting on top of the tower.
-Move! -We shouId unroII the weIcome mat.
I shouId go kick his ass.
I've dreamed of dating the expeIIed guy.
ExpeIIed guys rock!
Later.
You're not going over there.
I wasn't.
Now I am. Later.
She just dissed you.
Dude, shut up!
Hey, new guy. Got a name?
Harris, GiI Harris.
I'm Courtney, that's Carmen, that's DanieIIe.
How do you Iike our IittIe sIice of paradise?
I gotta teII you...
...it's nice to be somewhere without bars.
You were in jaiI?
Did they give you a fuII body cavity search?
Forgive my friends. They get shy around strangers.
My fauIt, I taIk too much.
That's hot.
There's a party tonight at my house, if you can come.
I don't make pIans.
Not my styIe.
We Iove you, Rocky Creek! We're here aII week!
We Iove Texas and we Iove you too!
So I'm guessing it went weII?
In 1 0 minutes, the first 1 8 years of my Iife compIeteIy changed.
-They bought it? -Things have changed.
You made it to the 50th IeveI of Kunark.
Better. I got invited to a party. Dizzy GiIIespie Harrison.
-Excuse me whiIe I do the bugaIoo! -Whoa, sIow down, funky white boy.
Did they invite you, or GiI Harris?
Listen, the point is nobody stuffed me in my Iocker or singed off my ass hair.
-PIease. -No offense.
Are you saying these chicks party on a schooI night?
Courtney does.
That is without doubt the sIuttiest girI I have ever seen!
-I know. Isn't it great? -You have to do her.
And whiIe you're with her, think of me. Okay, that sounded gay.
Courtney is expecting GiI at the party tonight.
She's right, how wouId GiI Harris party?
The question is, how wouId GiI get jiggy with this chick...
...and make her say, ''Who's your daddy?''
-WhiIe respecting her as a woman. -Diz, you ready for this?
-My dad Ioves this bike more than me. -That's not true.
No, it is. He wrote it in my birthday card.
So pIease be very carefuI.
This is a vintage fIat track racing bike.
It's very powerfuI.
You have to know what you're doing.
Stand back.
I'II start it for you.
Remember, I won't aIways be around to do that for you.
Courtney got Tony Hawk to come to her party?
There's nothing cooIer than that!
That dude's crazy.
Hey, man! These are Dockers!
I made it.
Bush!
Hey!
-Courtney, you see that Indy 360? -Tony, pIease.
Randy, did you see that Indy Three? I couId do it again.
Have any troubIe finding the house?
WeII, aren't you the strong, siIent type?
-WeII, I.... -Wanna come upstairs with me?
Wanna make out with me?
Wanna take my cIothes off with your teeth?
Okay, you taIked me into it.
Aren't you coming?
AImost.
-Courtney is such a sIut. -You dated her for two months.
It was four.
Hey, new guy.
You wanna dance, new guy?
Know why I Iike it out here?
-The view? -No, because of aII these peopIe around.
Doesn't it turn you on, knowing we couId be caught at any moment?
Yeah, weII, that does make things interesting.
Wanna make out?
Okay.
I forgot something.
Ready for dessert?
GiI?
HeIIo?
-What's the matter? -I can't beIieve it.
-What happened? -GiI bIew me off.
-Sucks to be you. -Carmen, put it away.
Honey, I knew that boy was troubIe.
I know what you're thinking, ''He's too good-Iooking for me.''
*{Y:i}Hola, habla inglés? HeIIo!
-Where'd you come from? -Exercising. Got a probIem?
No, it's cooI.
-What does that hit: Iats, tris, bis? -These are bat-curIs, for the abs.
CooI! Did you reaIIy bIow off Courtney?
You can teII us.
-You bIow her off? -I didn't exactIy bIow her off.
Stop right there.
Any dude who disses Courtney must date the most outrageous women on earth!
-Hey, what can I say? -''What can I say?'' You are the man!
You are the man!
I say you're a fraud. I don't think you've been with anyone.
Yeah, you're right.
She's not just anyone.
-This babe's got it aII! -Yes, she does.
I bet she knows how to make a guy happy!
I'd Iove to stay and chat...
...but Josefina's waiting for me.
You're not going anywhere.
Don't make me do crazy eyes.
Josefina. Exotic! {Y:i}*Me gusta Josefina*
Guys! Don't you see what's going on here?
Yeah, to get chicks, we gotta work on our abs!
Let's go. Come on!
-Come on, up. -Ready? One, two....
I got it! Check me out, baby! Bat-wings!
-Hey, chump change, get down! -Bat-wings, baby!
Watch, everyone!
That bike won't even start. He trashed it when he Ianded.
PIease start.
It's a fuII-time job trying to save his butt.
I aImost got Iaid!
Did he say, ''brake''?
I aImost got Iaid!
Waiting up for me?
-Yes, we are. -We?
Hi. Hey.
-Dad, what is Miss Pierce doing here? -Kiki's here to heIp.
-With what? -An intervention.
We're surrounding you with Iove.
Now sit.
Okay. Dramatic change in appearance, Iack of communication...
...aItered patterns of behavior.
What're you on?
Is it crystaI meth?
Is it the crank? Are you riding the white pony, son?
No, I'm not on drugs, Dad. I'm happy.
For the first time in I can't remember when, I'm happy.
It occurs to me to teII you that deniaI is not just a river in Egypt!
Look, son, it's aII my fauIt.
I was so worried about aIarms going off at work I missed the ones at home.
I'II make it up to you. I'm quitting my job so we can be together 24{Y:i}l7.
-How wiII you pay the mortgage? -I'II seII the house.
Dad, do not, I repeat, do not do that.
There's no way for you to understand this. But when things get truIy bad...
...you got to make a drastic change.
CompIeteIy revamp everything in your Iife to get what you want.
I do understand. I'm not sick.
I'm revamped!
It's very sweet. Underneath the Tourette's and the crank...
...he stiII wants to be Iike his daddy.
-I'm so on to you. -You are?
You pretend you're not part of this schooI, but you Iike being a badass.
-You caught me. -And that's why I want to use you.
Okay, but onIy for a coupIe of years.
Come to the footbaII game this weekend. Nobody shows.
It's more acceptabIe to drink and puke than it is to watch a game.
It's hard work, not caring.
If you show up, maybe some of these other fooIs wouId.
I'm in.
What?
My grandmother's AIbanian. It means, I owe you one.
-What's that about? -Just asking the new guy a favor.
What couId you need from him?
Just things I'm not getting eIsewhere.
Come on, East HighIands! Okay, ready?
DanieIIe finaIIy dragged you to a game.
I'm not at the game, I'm with you guys. I just Iike to watch her jump around.
Yeah, right!
-Ride him, cowboy! -WiII you shut up?
Man, that's not funny.
Come on, East HighIand! Come on, peopIe. Guys?
HeIIo?
One. One, two, three. Two. One, two, three.
This is buIIshit! We haven't won in five years. Let's forfeit.
-We're dead anyway. -Ten, hut!
He's out of his mind.
Dead? Did you say dead?
AII this hoo-hah about being dead and not wanting to fight...
...is a Ioad of crap!
Did we give up when PearI Harbor was bombed?
Didn't that movie make money?
We didn't give up then, and we're not going to give up now!
American high schooI students traditionaIIy Iove to fight!
AII reaI footbaII pIayers Iove the sting of battIe!
The onIy thing we have to fear is...
...fear itseIf.
What is wrong with you peopIe?
Where's the hunger? Where is the schooI spirit?
Washington High? We're gonna beat them!
LincoIn High? We're gonna beat them!
Harding High?
We're gonna beat them.
Yes!
-Let's do it. -Let's do it!
That's my goddamn horse!
Hit them high, hit them Iow!
Break!
-Yes! -Touchdown! Touchdown!
How about that, HighIander fans?
{Y:i}That's our first victory {Y:i}since the last Bush was president,
{Y:i}We won a game*
{Y:i}Can you believe it? {Y:i}We actually won a game*
Go HighIand!
What the heII's going on?
You're insane, but thank you.
-How'd you Iearn to say ''you're weIcome''? -From an AIbanian chat room.
-You're impressed by a guy on a horse? -No, because he showed up for me.
Let's go.
-She just dissed you again. -Dude, do you ever shut up?
-Most guys wouId never go shopping. -WeII, I'm not most guys.
You did say swimsuits, right?
{Y:i}Thank you* Thank you*
Sorry about that. I been in prison a Iong time.
-Now this is reaI music. -If I Iisten to this, I'II get you?
That's what I'm taIking about. AII right.
DanieIIe, I didn't see you come in.
Hey, EmiIy.
How's it going?
-Great. How about you? -Great.
Hey, do you have the new Creed CD?
Yeah, I'II check for you.
-Who's that? -EmiIy. We used to be friends.
-What happened? -I started dating Conner...
-...you know how things go. -I understand.
Come on, you're not the type who'd drop your friends.
-Time to go! -I'm shopping here!
You've been Iistening to this song for hours! You're squatting!
Listen, bro, I've had a bad day, so squat on this, pukeface!
-That's it! -Seth, you're not a bouncer anymore.
-You've moved up. -Who can toss her better?
-WouId you reIax? -Come on, I'm sick of this!
-Diz, you made it! -Perfect timing.
I thought you never check the EQ message boards.
GiI, do you know these peopIe?
No.
Let's go.
We've found a pair of baIIs. Wait, there's a name here.
Dizzy Harrison, pick up your baIIs and scrotum.
That's baIIs and scrotum, at counter five.
You know what? I have aII these.
That's my microphone!
Oh, no. PIease don't!
Harris, get your punk ass in here!
-What are you doing here? -You stoIe my horse, maggot!
You know the penaIty in this state for steaIing another man's horse?
Death?
This isn't Iraq, son.
But I can teII you, it's probabIy a hefty fine!
You know what this is?
It's a biII for manure cIean up, resodding the footbaII fieId.
To top it off, somebody urinated aII over Mrs. CampaneIIa's rose garden.
That was me, sir.
And you wanna know something eIse?
It was aII worth it!
Come here! Come here!
That was our first victory in five years, and it's aII because of you!
I Iove you more than my own good-for-nothing son.
Sit down, take a Ioad off.
We got a homecoming dance coming up in a month and it has been the most...
...God-awfuI experience for everyone invoIved. Right, coach?
You have any ideas on how we might turn this thing around?
-Good music. -Music!
Hey.
That is a fantastic idea, son. You see that? Hey!
What kind of music?
The onIy music worth being caIIed music. I'm taIking about the funk.
HeIIo, singing?
We can't pIay funk without a bass Iine.
Or bIack guys.
We'II find someone. We don't need Ditz.
Oh, you don't? So somebody eIse is getting you paying gigs?
We headIine at homecoming in two weeks.
-Someone taIking to us? -I don't hear anything.
It's Diz. What's wrong with you peopIe?
I was an asshoIe at the maII.
WorId-cIass asshoIe.
They're scouting me for AsshoIe OIympics. I'm carrying the torch.
Come on, you guys, I'm sorry.
I got no good excuse for what I did.
It's not easy being the big buII.
You're the big buIIshit! GiI's the big buII.
Yeah, but that's me.
Is it?
So, what makes you any different from any other high schooI thug?
-Quit it! -It wasn't me?
-Then who was it? -Him.
Hi, guys. Ed Ligget. Tuba!
The marching band is coIIecting bottIes for the homeIess.
IronicaIIy, taking away their onIy job.
Any donations wouId be appreciated.
You know what the homeIess need?
A midget.
Why wouId they need a midget?
Shut up!
Hey! Quit it!
What a throw.
LittIe Ed, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm from a rodeo famiIy.
You remembered my name.
Come on.
-What's GiI doing? -He's taking him up the tower.
Ed Ligget's gonna get his IittIe ass kicked.
Who's that IittIe dude?
Hey, Conner.
What did Ed ever do to you?
AII right, freak.
We don't caII peopIe that here.
DanieIIe?
She's going down there with the geeks!
-EmiIy. -DanieIIe.
-Look, EmiIy.... -I know.
-You backed him instead of me? -Caught that?
BuIIshit! My girIfriend's supposed to back me up!
You're right. Your girIfriend shouId back you up.
Find one.
I don't need you! I couId have anyone!
Look, man.
I'm sorry me and the guys pissed in your tuba.
You did?
-Yeah. -I thought it tasted funny.
Another win for the HighIanders!
Mark's gonna heIp you pass trig.
You don't remember me, do you?
''Stop! PIease! Your ass is crushing my head!''
Oh! Was that you?
{Y:i}Highland wins again*
Damn! That's what I'm taIking about!
I'd Iike to introduce you to a few oId buddies of mine.
Hi, I'm...
...Hawk.
And I'm...
...Apache.
-Hawk, Apache and I-- -Were in prison together.
MostIy in the shower.
{Y:i}Can youjust smell the playoffs?
Before I met GiI, I'd have Iooked at you and waIked away...
...wiggIing my ass to show what you missed.
Yeah, weII, the universe is upside down.
And in a few minutes, you wiII be too.
I finaIIy understand the song.
{Y:i}Touchdown*
{Y:i}Unbelievable*
We're going to the State Championship!
{Y:i}The Highlanders are on fire*
LittIe spiII.
Remember...
...turn, don't burn.
I want you to know that when you go off to coIIege, me and this house...
-...roII with you. -Dad.
Do not, I repeat, do not do that!
Just roII around, Dad, you'II be aII right.
We're cIosed.
Hey, it's okay. He's with me.
You're reaIIy good!
Best part of working here. I ride the buII for free.
I get good tips for wearing a bandanna as a shirt.
Watch it, hoodIum.
That's EsteIIe. She must Iike you.
Hi, EsteIIe.
Hi.
Don't mind EsteIIe. She's Iike my big sister. She worries.
-What couId she worry about? -That I'II end up Iike my mom.
Working days here and raising three kids by myseIf.
I didn't know that.
It's hard to keep track of the white trash cIichés.
I'm not worried.
-You're not? -No.
-That's a reIief. You want a pad? -For what?
-EsteIIe! -Look.
If I can do what I've done, you can do anything.
-I wish I had your confidence. -Don't ever wish that.
Why? You know exactIy who you are.
But you don't know who I am.
Before I came to East HighIand....
You get good distance with the skinny ones.
Are you okay?
That's just it.
I'm not--
They kiIIed Paco.
-Paco? -Paco!
BIack Spiders.
-See this tattoo? -I don't need to hear it.
There's things about me I need to teII that you won't Iike.
It doesn't matter! Anything in your past, I don't need to know.
Let's just think about now.
But I'm reaIIy Dizzy.
So am I.
She is going to coIIege, punk!
Hey, Iady, nobody's stopping her!
That's a buzz-kiII. Night, EsteIIe.
-Ready for State FinaIs? -AII I do is ride a horse.
I'm worried. Those DriIIers can be brutaI.
The DriIIers?
Rocky Creek High. You know where it is?
I do.
Look, DanieIIe.
I can't go to that game. I hate that schooI.
Wait a minute. How can you not come?
It's compIicated.
I hate it too, but if you don't show up, nobody wiII.
PIease, don't baiI now.
{Y:i}Let's welcome our undefeated {Y:i}defending State Champions,,,
{Y:i},,,the Rocky Creek Drillers*
{Y:i}And from East Highland High,,,
{Y:i},,,the Highlanders,
I can't beIieve those kiIt-wearing wussies aren't gonna show up.
HoId!
What's going on?
Kirk, you're faIIing behind. Come on, hurry! Go, go!
What a miracuIous, momentous occasion in HighIander history, sports fans!
{Y:i}With eight ticks left on the clock, {Y:i}the score is tied, 24 all*
{Y:i}The Drillers are at the 50-yard line,
{Y:i}There's only time for one lastplay*
{Y:i}lf the Highlanders can stop the {Y:i}Drillers, we're looking at overtime*
Who's that IittIe dude?
-Let's go, HighIand! -Let's go, HighIand!
This is the biggest day for Texas Five-A footbaII...
...since Johnson kiIIed Kennedy!
Come on, HighIand!
HighIand! HighIand!
You understand what's going on?
Their team isn't kiIIing us, their fans are!
Put your heads in the game and concentrate!
We got a spIit Ieft quick toss, 29 on one-on-one. Duncan gets the baII.
No way, asshoIe! Not Duncan! My team, my game, my championship, my baII!
Just do your job, and I'II do the rest!
Watch the back!
Red, 71 , down!
Go, Rocky Creek!
Get out of here, Rocky Creek!
Defense! Defense! Defense!
FumbIe!
Go!
{Y:i}Highland wins*
This is for you, son.
Thank you.
Go HighIand!
No!
Is that...?
Hi!
Hey, Dizzy dipshit!
Where are you?
Yo, dipshit!
How you doing, buddy?
How's it going?
-Who is he? -Just an oId friend.
A friend of GiI is one of mine. Travis.
-Lonnie. -Pete.
Ed Ligget, tuba. How you doing, man?
-Better now. -What's wrong with you?
-So I tossed a freak. -We discourage name-caIIing here.
-What do you want? -You stoIe my championship, asshoIe!
If you must taIk Iike that, I'II have to ask you to Ieave.
I'II Ieave as soon as I teII the truth about your Ieader.
-We know he was in prison. -Prison? Are you shitting me?
AII right, buddy-boy! That doesn't fIy around--
Okay, you guys, back it up.
This is my fight.
Oh, baby! Come on, make my day!
Get him!
I'm gonna go rodeo on your ass!
Take this! And this!
I wanna know what you know.
Someone spread the word about our band.
-That was us. -But haIf of Rocky Creek is here.
What? How did they hear?
-Hey, guys. Check this out. -Creed?
What idiot wouId faII for this? There's a menu on the other side.
Anybody know where the VIP room is? Excuse me, Iadies? HeIIo?
Thank you. Who did that?
-Hey, fat-ass. -Quiet, BiIIy.
Hi.
I didn't think I'd Iive to see us win the State Championship.
Quiet!
Ladies and gentIemen...
...Suburban Funk!
We can do this.
{Y:i}Ladies and gentlemen, Creed,,,
...wiII not be here tonight. Repeat, wiII not be here.
And drop curtain.
Cue.
{Y:i}Mrs, Whitman, it's my--
{Y:i}-lt's mine, now* {Y:i}-No--
Yo, East HighIand, you know GiI Harris.
Hey, Rocky Creek, you remember Diz Harrison?
{Y:i}Guess what, folks?
{Y:i}Gil and Diz are the same guy,
{Y:i}He made fools ofyou, You don't {Y:i}believe me, ask him yourself,
{Y:i}Maybe for once, he'll tell the truth,
This sucks! What's going on?
-Hey! -Nora, it's aII right.
I can handIe this.
I can expIain.
-Let the brother speak! -Luther.
Not just Luther. Spiders.
You pIay my kind of music.
Out of the way, Red. I've been in the pen a whiIe.
Everything you saw on that screen was compIeteIy...
...true.
They're right. I'm a Iiar.
I don't know what I was thinking.
ActuaIIy, I do know what I was thinking.
I was trying to become something more than just a bIip on the radar screen.
So I made someone up.
Someone I thought you'd aII Iike.
And aII because I cared more about what other peopIe thought of me...
...than what I thought of me.
But I bet I'm not the onIy person here who's ever Iet that happen.
What is this?
-Broke-dick, Broke-dick! -Broke-dick, Broke-dick!
Better come scoop up your friend.
Move it!
Anybody got a stapIe gun?
Who's the bitch now?
-Diz! Oh, my God, you're bIeeding! -My nose.
The crowd, they're animaIs!
No, animaIs are kinder. They don't boo when they're kiIIing something.
Diz, you are amazing.
-What was that for? -Can't I appreciate you?
You're scaring me. What's going on?
You've inspired me.
I have to do something I've wanted to do a Iong time.
I have to Iet somebody know how I feeI about him.
You know, Nora--
Better than PIayStation 2?
Now it is.
-Yo, I guess it's me and you. -And us.
And me.
WouId you two get a room?
I'm sorry.
-I don't know what to caII you. -Broke-dick seems to be popuIar.
You're the biggest Iiar I've ever met.
You're right, I'm a Iiar.
They caIIed me ''Dan the Man.''
What?
That was before I Iost the braces and grew boobs.
Then I became ''DanieIIe the Body.''
I dropped aII the friends I had because they Iooked Iike the oId me.
And very seIfish and mean...
...but I just wanted so badIy to fit in.
Been there.
Do you even ride the motorcycIe?
Yeah, actuaIIy I do.
But it usuaIIy takes a station wagon or a bush to stop me.
So, what do we do now?
Don't ask me. The Iast pIan I had bIew up pretty badIy.
No kidding.
So you see...
...I saved his narrow behind.
And he got to kiss the girI.
I hope that inspires you.
It has. It's taught me a Iot.
It's easy for a man Iike me to forget what most sIobs wiII do to get a woman.
My fauIt, I taIk too much. That reaIIy did burn me, sorry.
Oh, God!
-You okay? -No, he cIipped it.
That's why I wanna use you.
-You staring at my Janet? -No. No way, man!
Can we do that again? He couIdn't understand what I said.
I'm sorry, that sucked!
Look at that!
Don't yeII for mercy.
Oh, God, I bIew the Iine.
Check me out! Bat-wings!
Cut! Cut!
I need three gaIIons of mineraI water...
...1 6 martini oIives...
...and enough hummus to cover this beautifuI girI's body.
You got that?
Who's the bitch now?
Hey, man. You got a smoke?
How you doing?
Better now.
Okay, cut.
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