1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
2
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,320
¶ You change your mind ¶
3
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:30,000
¶ Like a girl changes clothes ¶
4
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,280
¶ Yeah, you PMS ¶
5
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,120
¶ Like a bitch ¶
6
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,120
¶ I would know ¶
7
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,480
¶ And you over-think ¶
8
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,840
¶ Always speak cryptically ¶
9
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,720
¶ I should know ¶
10
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:50,640
¶ That you're
no good for me ¶
11
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,880
¶ 'Cause you're hot
Then you're cold ¶
12
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,680
¶ You're yes
Then you're no ¶
13
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,400
¶ You're in
Then you're out ¶
14
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,200
¶ You're up
Then you're down ¶
15
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,880
¶ You're wrong
When it's right ¶
16
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:01,600
¶ It's black
And it's white ¶
17
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,480
¶ We fight, we break up ¶
18
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,240
¶ We kiss, we make up ¶
19
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,440
Are you alert?
20
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,640
Okay, well tell them...
21
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,360
¶ But you don't really
Want to go ¶
22
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,080
No.
23
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,600
¶ You're yes
Then you're no ¶
24
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,120
¶ You're in
Then you're out ¶
25
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:21,240
I'll be there in about
15 minutes, so stop arguing.
26
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,000
Okay, thanks. Bye.
27
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,280
¶ We used to be ¶
28
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,680
¶ Just like twins
So in synch ¶
29
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,560
- Morning, Freddy.
- Morning, Abby.
30
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,720
- You look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, is it that bad in there?
31
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,800
- Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.
32
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,840
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
33
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,000
The traffic camera is down
34
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,400
and we have no B-roll
for our traffic segment.
35
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,680
- That is a problem.
- Yeah.
36
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:46,720
Call Matt at Media Lab.
37
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,240
He's got some Skycams
and he owes me.
38
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,080
- Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.
39
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,360
- Hey.
- Hello.
40
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,640
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
41
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,320
Thanks for being here. Good.
42
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,240
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
43
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,560
If they get
the forecast wrong,
44
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,200
research shows people
are more willing
45
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,200
to forgive a fat guy.
46
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,480
Abby, I hate to do this to you,
47
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,520
but I don't think that
I can work with her anymore.
48
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,640
It's bad enough I have
to take her criticism at home.
49
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,920
I'm not gonna
do it on the air.
50
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,080
- A man can only endure so much.
- Larry, you are not a man,
51
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,880
you are a newsman.
52
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,000
And newsmen are not defined
by the easy times,
53
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,240
they're defined
by the hard times.
54
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,800
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw
55
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,200
working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.
56
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,920
Because they
couldn't handle it.
57
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,400
But you.
You, my friend,
58
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,960
have balls the size
of Volkswagens.
59
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,440
Don't think
I haven't noticed.
60
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,400
I only thought of them
as blue of late.
61
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,440
But you're right.
They're quite sizeable.
62
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,800
But not disproportionately
so,
63
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,960
I like to think of them
as aesthetically pleasing.
64
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,600
Yeah, I think
I made my point.
65
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,920
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Josh, nobody in Sacramento
66
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,520
gives a crap about
the extinction rate
67
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,520
of the Brazilian slug worm.
It's not newsworthy.
68
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,720
All right. But knowing which
celebutante is in rehab
69
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:47,760
is of vital importance?
70
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,440
You know, the sound
of your voice makes...
71
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,880
Okay. He is trying to kill me.
72
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,800
- He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.
73
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,560
Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
74
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,040
Oh, my God. Does anybody
see this? Is that a hive?
75
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,480
Looks like syphilis to me.
76
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,720
You wouldn't know
what syphilis looks like
77
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,000
if it weren't for my story
on hot celebrity STDs.
78
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,400
- Stand by to go to three.
- Yeah, so some...
79
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,480
Cacciatore gets mushrooms,
garlic. Exactly.
80
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,480
- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
- All right.
81
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,480
And whatever amount
of garlic you want.
82
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,560
- Really?
- Can't have enough garlic.
83
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,760
You can.
84
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,480
I certainly can.
Do it every night.
85
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,000
I got a nice,
big spoon for you.
86
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,560
Excellent. Thanks.
87
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,960
- Here you go.
- Mm.
88
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,720
- Mm!
- That good?
89
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,000
I have to say, Rocco,
90
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,240
this is the best chicken
cacciatore I've ever tasted.
91
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,200
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
92
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,280
- Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?
93
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,640
And it's a great
alternative to chicken.
94
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,760
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
95
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,840
- Mm-hm.
- Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
96
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,720
Get ready to an early break.
Yeah.
97
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:43,600
- Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.
98
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,040
Man, we're a
chicken household.
99
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,800
We really are.
100
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,200
Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
while she pulls it together.
101
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,440
Or is it okay?
102
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,200
It's good.
Javier, do you like it?
103
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:53,920
Mm.
104
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,800
Can I take home
the leftovers?
105
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,680
You sure you don't want
any leftovers?
106
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,680
When we return,
107
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,400
- our Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.
108
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,240
And guess who's
in rehab this week.
109
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,680
Stand by to roll break.
Also, how you too can adopt
110
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,880
your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
111
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,160
Roll your break.
112
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,000
How about salt?
Salt make it better?
113
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,360
I don't know how you do it.
114
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,440
It's just a matter of looking
chaos right in the eye
115
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,080
and telling it to eff off.
116
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,040
You guys did great.
Thank you.
117
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,240
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
118
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,960
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us...
119
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,720
- Abby?
- It's this upsetting?
120
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,760
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
121
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,280
Oh, he got the ratings.
122
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,040
- Want some?
- Yeah, give me that.
123
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,040
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
124
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,040
We got beat by all
the network shows,
125
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,760
including a rerun of
Who's the Boss?
126
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,640
The one where
the vacuum breaks.
127
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,280
It's just a temporary setback,
Stuart.
128
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:51,840
Things will be better
tomorrow.
129
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,640
You know that guy
with the cable-access show
130
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,080
on Channel 83 does better.
131
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,360
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns,
132
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,200
we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
133
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,160
Please don't tell me
134
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,880
you're thinking
of killing the show.
135
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,320
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
136
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,080
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
137
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,640
But you gotta
get me some numbers.
138
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,520
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
139
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,960
I don't know how much
you know about Vidal Sassoon,
140
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,280
but that shit ain't cheap.
141
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,080
I can rally. I will rally.
142
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,840
You do rally.
Every day, Abby.
143
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,640
But that's
what worries me.
144
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,480
That even you
won't be enough.
145
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,080
I should not be letting
corporate management
146
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,560
dictate the content
of this show. It's my show.
147
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:37,080
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
148
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,080
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.
149
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,920
Absolutely not, Abby.
150
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,440
You should be out there
observing humanity.
151
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,560
Humanity is who watches
our show.
152
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,320
Yeah.
All 2.47 percent of them.
153
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,320
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
154
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,320
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
155
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,120
Look at this bone structure.
156
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,880
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
157
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,600
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
158
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,360
You printed out his profile?
159
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,920
What? These have
not been touched
160
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,240
in quite some time.
161
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,400
I have to live vicariously
through your dating life.
162
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,240
And I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
163
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,760
- Hi.
- Hello.
164
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,480
I'm looking for a guy
with sandy brown hair,
165
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,560
athletic build, blue eyes.
He's 5'9".
166
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,400
Which I know you're thinking
is a little short,
167
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,000
but he's read
The Great Gatsby twice...
168
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,560
Well, technically
I'm 5'8" and a half,
169
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,640
but I could read
The Great Gatsby
170
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,600
again if it makes
it any better.
171
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,320
Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?
172
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,000
Uh, yeah, a bottle
of flat water, please?
173
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,200
- Sure.
- Thank you.
174
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,880
Um, just one second.
I'm sorry.
175
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,400
Did you know they've done
studies that show
176
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,000
tap water and bottled water
are basically the same thing.
177
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,080
And they recently passed
a law where restaurants
178
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,520
have to filter their tap water,
so it's not really tap water,
179
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,200
it's filtered water,
which is the same
180
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,320
except you don't have to pay
$7 for it. Right?
181
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,560
I like the way
it tastes better anyway.
182
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,960
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks,
please? Thank you.
183
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,560
Oh, yeah.
184
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,440
Huh. I thought, uh...
185
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,880
I thought in your profile
it said you, uh...
186
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,400
You like to drink red wine.
187
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,360
You printed out my profile?
188
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,920
Actually,
my associate producer did.
189
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,840
She doesn't like me
to not be prepared.
190
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,280
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
Kudos, by the way,
191
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,240
on your comprehensive
car insurance plan.
192
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,880
That wasn't in my profile.
193
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,200
No, but it's in your
background check.
194
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,440
So, ahem,
tell me about yourself.
195
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,720
Well, what's
left to talk about
196
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,240
that you don't already know,
right?
197
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,760
Ah. Good point.
Ha-ha.
198
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,800
All right,
well, you know,
199
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,960
I actually took the liberty
of printing out
200
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,880
some talking points
in case this happened.
201
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,760
I take it this
has happened before?
202
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,000
No. No. But you have
nine out of 10
203
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,280
of the necessary attributes
on my checklist.
204
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,440
Oh, dear God. Okay.
205
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,600
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
206
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,000
Don't ask.
207
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,000
More on this story
when we come back.
208
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,240
We'll hear from a zoo official
now forced to take...
209
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,160
And we're back with
The Ugly Truth,
210
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,880
where tonight
we're gonna be talking about
211
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:24,760
what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
212
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,440
I've been looking through
some books.
213
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,560
Smart Women,
Foolish Choices. Ehh!
214
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,840
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them. Ehh!
215
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:35,280
And Women Hating Men
Who Loved Women
216
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,880
Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?
217
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:43,120
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.
218
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,560
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once
219
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,640
and it is just
three little words.
220
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,880
Men are simple.
221
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,040
We cannot be trained.
222
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,320
All this
"Men are from Venus" crap
223
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,040
is a waste of your time
and money.
224
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,560
You wanna be a lonely hag,
then that's fine,
225
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,280
keep reading
these stupid books.
226
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:08,440
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
227
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,440
It's called a Stairmaster.
228
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,720
Get on it, and get skinny,
229
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,320
and get some trashy lingerie
while you're at it,
230
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,600
because at the end of the day,
231
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,400
all we're interested
in is looks.
232
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,280
And no one falls in love
with your personality
233
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,720
at first sight.
234
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,560
We fall in love
with your tits and your ass,
235
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,640
and we stick around because
of what you're willing
236
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,360
to do with them.
237
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,400
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps,
238
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,800
you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.
239
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,640
And don't forget to...
240
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,960
Okay? Now, let's
take the first caller.
241
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,440
How dare you burn those books.
242
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,640
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
243
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,080
What's your boyfriend's name,
princess?
244
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,200
Well,
I'm not seeing anyone right now.
245
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,880
My point exactly, Shrek.
Next caller.
246
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,440
You're on the air.
247
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,320
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
248
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,720
Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?
249
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,920
What? Come on.
250
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,520
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
251
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,280
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
252
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,360
Okay, I'll bite.
Go on. Who's the guy?
253
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,440
- What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
254
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,200
The one who's
so capable of love.
255
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,960
Who is he? What's he like?
256
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,560
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
257
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,640
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
258
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,320
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
259
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,000
Mm, this is a guy
in America, right?
260
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,720
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
261
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,800
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
262
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,640
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
263
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,280
Wait a second, I get it.
264
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,320
You're a lesbian.
265
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,720
- What?
- Well, you must be.
266
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,000
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
267
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,720
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
268
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,760
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them
269
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,080
and that is the real reason
270
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,880
why women aren't
interested in you? Hm?
271
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,720
Okay. Okay, I'll give you
100 bucks of my own money
272
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,880
to go get this guy
and bring him down here
273
00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,600
and let me meet him.
274
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,520
Well, he's out there,
somewhere.
275
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,920
Wait a second.
276
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,000
You're not even
dating this guy?
277
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,120
No, I'm describing a type.
278
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,800
I thought that's
what we were doing.
279
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,160
Ha-ha-ha! What?
You don't even know him?
280
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,560
Oh, whoa, okay,
now I get the picture.
281
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,600
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
282
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,480
What?
283
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,760
Well, you must be.
284
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,680
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were...
285
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,200
If you were hot,
you would be out
286
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,840
breaking some poor
schmuck's heart
287
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,600
instead of spending
all your time fantasizing
288
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,920
about Mr. Wonderful.
289
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,800
Face it, you're ugly.
290
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,760
I am not ugly.
291
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,640
Well, okay,
292
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,000
let me help you out here.
293
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,720
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone,
294
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,040
and stop pining away
for some fantasy guy
295
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,040
you're never gonna get.
296
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,520
- How can you possibly...?
- Hey, Lassie.
297
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,120
The show's called
The Ugly Truth.
298
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,960
If you can't face it,
don't call.
299
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,560
That about
wraps it up for this evening.
300
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,880
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
301
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,680
JOY:
How'd the date go?
302
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,600
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
303
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,680
- That is so awesome.
- Why?
304
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,200
Good morning, everyone.
305
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,480
Morning.
306
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,800
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you,
307
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,120
this guy's a little rough
around the edges.
308
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,800
Face it, you're ugly.
309
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,760
I am not ugly.
310
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,400
- Well...
- Why are we watching this?
311
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,800
Say hello to
our new guest commentator.
312
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,600
I'm starting him off at
two segments a week,
313
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,800
three minutes a pop.
314
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,080
- Are you kidding me?
- Who the hell is this guy?
315
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,480
- Name's Mike Chadway.
- He's an uber-moron
316
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,680
misogynist who represents
317
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,960
everything that is wrong
with television and society.
318
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,960
I get crap every time
I suggest we do something
319
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,400
even remotely fluffy.
320
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,360
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
321
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,040
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
322
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,000
We're objective.
323
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,760
Stone Phillips interviews
terrorists.
324
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,240
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for the ratings.
325
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,160
I have a whole list of ideas
to improve ratings.
326
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,040
You're gonna like it.
We don't need him.
327
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,640
- We don't need him.
- Not at all.
328
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,160
"An intimate profile
of the mayor".
329
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,200
- Yes.
- I like that.
330
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,480
- I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.
331
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,760
The mayor?
332
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,400
Yes. It can be edgy
and yet intriguing.
333
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,480
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores
334
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,000
and a German shepherd
on live TV,
335
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,800
no one's gonna give a shit.
336
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,280
Oh, I'm sorry.
337
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,760
I was eavesdropping
out in the hall.
338
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,360
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
339
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,040
Oh, thanks, boss.
340
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,720
You already hired him?
341
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,760
Who's this
delightful creature?
342
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,160
I'm your producer.
343
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,480
Oh. Hey.
344
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,000
I like a woman on top.
345
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,000
Ugh. God.
346
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,240
- Nice office.
- Ha-ha! He's just kidding.
347
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,000
- Oh, yeah.
- Excuse me.
348
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,800
- Hey, Mike, you see your office?
- No, I didn't.
349
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,600
- Come on. Let me show you.
- Beautiful.
350
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,400
Everybody take five.
I'll be right back.
351
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,400
Were you all not there
last year...
352
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,720
for our
sexual-harassment meeting?
353
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,960
- Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
- He needs to go.
354
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,040
He wasn't
sexually harassing me.
355
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,840
I am an award-winning
news producer.
356
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,640
I am an award-winning
news producer.
357
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,800
I am an award-winning
news producer.
358
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,320
I am an awa...
359
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,080
You're an award-winning
news producer.
360
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,320
You don't knock?
361
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,920
Well, I did knock.
You didn't answer.
362
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,440
So essentially,
your knock was negated
363
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,000
by your complete
lack of adherence
364
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,200
to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
365
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,280
You're wound like a fucking top.
366
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,360
Woof, woof.
Remember the bark?
367
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,680
Last night, a little
phone conversation we had.
368
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,960
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
369
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,600
You're not ugly at all.
370
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,880
Oh, well,
imagine my relief.
371
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,960
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.
372
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,200
I would never have gotten it
without you.
373
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,880
You and I, we make good TV.
374
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,600
You make imbecilic trash
watched by housebound
375
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,280
inbreds who are so busy
with their hands
376
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,240
down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
377
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,280
I hadn't been picturing you
that way, but it's a nice image.
378
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,640
I do not watch
your program.
379
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,920
My cat stepped
on the remote.
380
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,120
Oh, you want to thank
your pussy for me, then?
381
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,080
Ugh!
382
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,840
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.
383
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,760
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
384
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,760
I want Mike Chadway to be
nothing but a pile of ash
385
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,000
on the seat next to you.
386
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,160
I want the janitor to come in
and vacuum up the ashes
387
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:02,800
of Mike Chadway
with his Dustbuster
388
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,800
and when he dumps it
in the Dumpster outside,
389
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,320
I want the rats to vomit
and defecate
390
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,320
on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
391
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:12,600
Wow. And I thought
you were angry and bitter.
392
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,280
Uh, no, Larry, that would be
my untouched vagina.
393
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,600
- Chadway?
- What?
394
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,400
Twenty seconds to air.
395
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,200
About ready? Larry?
396
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,800
There's a bird
in my dressing room.
397
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:23,920
I'll take care of it.
398
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,960
- A real bird?
- Yeah. It's flying around.
399
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,600
Why is there a bird
in his dressing room?
400
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,240
I don't know
what type of bird it is.
401
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,240
Security here is awful.
402
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,360
You guys have really got
to keep the doors closed.
403
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,680
Four, three...
404
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,880
Good morning, everyone,
I'm Larry Freeman.
405
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,560
Another beautiful day
in Sacramento.
406
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,320
And I'm sitting here
with a beautiful woman.
407
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,040
- Go, 1.
- All right, here we go.
408
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,240
Thank you, Larry.
409
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,280
Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.
410
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,000
Ready for the single on Georgia.
411
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,440
For years,
there have been concerns
412
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,520
about lowering
television standards.
413
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,000
But many believe that this man
414
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,240
and his local
public-access show
415
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,920
have brought things
to a new low.
416
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,680
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
417
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,920
How you doing, guys?
418
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,240
Mike, how do you respond
to people
419
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,640
who say your show is offensive?
420
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,360
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
421
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,960
Ha. The truth about what,
Mr. Chadway?
422
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,360
What relationships
are really like.
423
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,880
Take marriage, for instance.
424
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,880
It's about social pressure,
425
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,720
status and sex.
426
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,320
If it weren't for these
three things,
427
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,920
men and women
wouldn't even speak.
428
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:26,040
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you,
429
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,560
and you're taking that out
on the female population.
430
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,120
Good one.
It's like Crossfire.
431
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,960
That was a good one.
432
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,040
While we're making
these observations, Georgia,
433
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,760
you two project this image
of the perfect couple,
434
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,120
when clearly it's a lie.
435
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,680
Excuse me?
436
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,280
Holy shit.
Oh. Break for commercial.
437
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,240
No, no, no.
438
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,320
Stuart said keep rolling
no matter what.
439
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,080
What? When? This is my show.
440
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,480
BOTH:
Not right now, it isn't.
441
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,520
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
442
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,680
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.
443
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,240
What the hell
happened to you?
444
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:04,000
And you, Georgia. I mean,
this one's no dumb bunny.
445
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,520
She knew the only way she was
getting off the weekend shift
446
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,320
was by hooking up
with you.
447
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,320
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
448
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,720
Ended up with twice
your salary.
449
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,360
Come on, Larry, take him down.
450
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,720
Shh!
451
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,880
Hold on, pal. I am very proud
of my wife's success.
452
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,600
Mm, baloney, you are.
You hate her success.
453
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,240
You feel emasculated by her.
454
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,400
And that screws with your head.
455
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,720
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.
456
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,320
What's your point, Mr. Chadway?
457
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,320
- Yes, Georgia, take control.
- My point, Georgia...
458
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,920
My point is
that your husband
459
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,240
hasn't had
sex with you in...
460
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,920
I'm gonna say,
what, three months?
461
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,360
- Chadway, that is not my fault.
- I know.
462
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,480
- I mean, come on.
- I know, I know. It's her fault.
463
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,480
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
464
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,200
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
465
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,720
She said "erection"
on network TV.
466
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,240
The other networks do it.
No big deal.
467
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,080
- They're talking about erections.
- Be quiet!
468
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,840
They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.
469
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,280
- I agree.
- Thank you.
470
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,760
You've economically
emasculated your husband
471
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,920
to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
472
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,520
- Ugh.
- I mean, sure,
473
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,120
you could dump his ass, but,
honey,
474
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,480
have you seen the eligible men
in Sacramento? Oh, God.
475
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,960
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
476
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,560
Forties?
477
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:18,840
Oh, God.
478
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,720
Hold that shot
with Georgia and Mike.
479
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,240
He just talked about her age.
480
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,920
- She's gonna kill me.
- Well.
481
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,360
Forty?
482
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,760
I mean, you ain't gonna do
any better than Larry.
483
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,960
- You just have to let him be a man.
- Hm?
484
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,800
- Let him be a man, Georgia.
- I let him be a man.
485
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,840
You have to let me be a man.
486
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,240
I have tried to let you
be a man.
487
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,400
- Let him be a man.
- You have to let me be a man.
488
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,360
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
489
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,280
Oh, God.
490
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,440
Ready for a three-shot.
Zoom In.
491
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,160
- I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.
492
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,320
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
493
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:48,200
Oh, God.
494
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,640
This is ridiculous.
McFlaccid?
495
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,120
- That mean what I think it means?
- Yes, it does. Kiss her.
496
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,640
No, no, no.
They're not gonna...
497
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,960
Give it to her,
right in front of me.
498
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,720
- And in front of them.
- Let me...
499
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,600
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man!
500
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,680
- No!
- Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
501
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,280
America doesn't wanna see this!
502
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,840
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
503
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,080
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll...
504
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,080
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
505
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,680
Cut to commercial!
506
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,160
Cut to commercial!
507
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,960
That was great!
Wasn't that great?
508
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,760
I told you
that guy was great.
509
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,000
Good job,
everybody. Wow!
510
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,000
Abby?
511
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,680
Found her.
512
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,280
1,143 calls,
513
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,400
over 300 e-mails, 53 percent
of them were women.
514
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,320
This guy's
a lightning rod.
515
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,800
They liked him?
516
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,560
Liked him?
They loved him.
517
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,240
93 percent positive.
518
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,320
- How is that possible?
- I don't know.
519
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,240
But I am
scaling back the news
520
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,760
and giving it
to The Ugly Truth.
521
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,800
Stuart, I really think
this is a mistake.
522
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,640
What do we even
know about this guy?
523
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,400
Who is he, really?
524
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,480
Moved here when he was 10,
525
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,880
pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships.
526
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,000
Cute.
527
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,400
Voted "Most Likely
to Get Slapped"
528
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,800
in his senior yearbook.
Three years at San José State.
529
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,240
Salesman of the Year at
Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.
530
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,200
Once arrested for urinating
out of a moving vehicle.
531
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,000
That is actually
incredibly challenging.
532
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:08,960
Tell me about it.
533
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,840
Never been married,
hates asparagus.
534
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,000
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face,
535
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,120
and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
536
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,200
Congratulations?
537
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,320
Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
538
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,560
I'm having a party on Saturday
and you know what happens
539
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,040
when I drink tequila.
Ha-ha-ha.
540
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:49,800
It's me, Nikki.
Why haven't you called me? I miss you.
541
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,520
- I can't stop...
- Hey.
542
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,960
thinking about your huge...
543
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,360
Who's that?
Rubbing all over my...
544
00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:59,800
- Dripping wet...
- How was...?
545
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,880
How was school?
546
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,760
- Well, you totally hosed me.
- What?
547
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,400
Last week on your show,
you said,
548
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,840
"Always be mean to hot girls
549
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,120
because they'll want you more".
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
550
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,480
She cried,
and then I got detention.
551
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,640
First of all, don't listen
to what I say on my show.
552
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,520
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls
553
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,280
who think they're hot and
can get any guy they want,
554
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,560
not 14-year-old girls.
555
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,120
They're going through puberty.
556
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:31,480
They got enough problems.
557
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,000
Mom said when she was 14,
558
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,640
she was the prettiest girl
in class.
559
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:36,960
Well, I was there when
she was 14,
560
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,800
and let me tell you something.
She lied.
561
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,480
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
562
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,840
He was blind from touching
himself inappropriately.
563
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,360
Ha. That's a nice thing
to tell your son.
564
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:49,120
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
565
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:52,240
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
566
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,440
Congrats.
567
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,840
Oh!
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't!
568
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,480
No, D'Artagnan, you get
back here. Get back here.
569
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,720
No, do not... No, no, no.
570
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,160
D'Artagnan.
571
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,200
D'Artagnan!
572
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,920
Shit!
573
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,880
All right.
574
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,960
I'll just come up.
575
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,800
I'm really not that flexible,
D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
576
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,720
I got you, hold on.
577
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,920
Hold on. Come here, baby.
578
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,520
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
579
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,640
Good boy.
Oh, good boy. Okay.
580
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,120
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
581
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,120
Oh. I hope we can get down.
582
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:58,840
Oh, my.
583
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:04,640
Oh, my.
584
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:06,840
My, my.
585
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:10,920
Ooh.
586
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,720
He flosses.
587
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,440
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
588
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,840
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
589
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,600
I'm stuck in a tree!
590
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,320
Help me! Anybody!
591
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,680
- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
- Stay, stay calm.
592
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,600
- You're gonna be fine.
- Get me down! Get me down!
593
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,880
Sorry. Oh, my God.
594
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,040
So you just moved in.
That's great.
595
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,640
I'm Abby, by the way.
596
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,800
Your neighbor
from across the way.
597
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,320
So you're a doctor? Wow.
598
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:48,720
An orthopedic surgeon.
599
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,360
Yeah, I do a lotta
leg and hip stuff,
600
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,440
but I do get
the occasional foot.
601
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,120
Your ankle seems to be fine.
602
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,760
Just a mild sprain,
so this should help.
603
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,160
Great. Thank you.
604
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,240
I guess I'm pretty lucky
my cat chose the tree
605
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,520
outside your window to climb.
606
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:03,920
Well, I'm here
whenever you need me.
607
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,480
Look, I'm gonna put
my home number
608
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,880
on the back
of my business card.
609
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,880
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems,
610
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,360
just give me a call.
611
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:13,360
Great. Thanks.
612
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,640
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
613
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,320
Well, you know,
dogs are great, but, uh...
614
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,240
I'm a cat person.
615
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,280
Yeah.
616
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,520
Well, I guess
I'll get going, then.
617
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,280
Yeah.
618
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:34,680
Yeah.
619
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,800
Yeah. Ha-ha.
620
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,560
- Thanks again for saving my life.
- Anytime.
621
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,400
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
622
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,320
- You forgot your cat.
- Right.
623
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,720
I had a spider on me. Ugh.
624
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,480
- Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.
625
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:56,720
- All right, okay.
- Bye.
626
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,080
- Thanks again.
- Good night.
627
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,600
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
628
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,200
- Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.
629
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,520
- Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.
630
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:07,560
Well, how did you leave it?
631
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:08,960
I mean, did he ask
for your number?
632
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,000
No, but he gave me his.
633
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,560
So what do I do?
Should I call him?
634
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,160
If I call do call him,
what should I say?
635
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,520
- Okay. Take a breath.
- Uh-huh.
636
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:15,920
And please, sweetheart,
637
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,320
- No tap water.
- No tap water.
638
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,000
Don't bring it up.
639
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,280
You've got naughty eyes.
640
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,720
- Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.
641
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:23,800
Hold that thought.
642
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,240
No, hey,
you won't get in trouble.
643
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,120
Down a bit. Down a bit.
644
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,960
Okay.
645
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,360
Bye, Karen.
646
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,840
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
647
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,600
You are on a live
affiliate news program.
648
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,400
You do not have the luxury
of using the words
649
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,120
"blow" and "job"
in the same sentence.
650
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,880
If you say anything
scatological,
651
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,520
you will be fired.
652
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:47,720
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
653
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,000
Because I kind of thought
that you were the one
654
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,560
that was gonna get fired
if you don't keep me happy.
655
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,400
Yes. I've got a list of demands
that I would like to make
656
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,680
after the show,
and let me just warn you,
657
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,200
they're gonna be
scatological.
658
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,360
Ow. Ah.
659
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,840
You know, just because
you look pretty today,
660
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,960
I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
661
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,640
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.
662
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,440
Heh-heh.
Promise you'll talk dirty?
663
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,320
Good morning,
Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
664
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,800
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
665
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,080
And I'm Mike Chadway.
666
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,040
And this is The Ugly Truth.
667
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,600
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day
668
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:29,960
to talk about men, women
and relationships.
669
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,800
Let's start with men.
670
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,360
Men are simple.
671
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,000
To illustrate my point,
672
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,440
here we have
a classic romantic setting.
673
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,920
We have, uh, candlelight,
champagne, and even
674
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,040
your own personal violinist.
675
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,000
Now,
676
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,320
over here, we have something
quite different.
677
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,960
This isn't on my list.
Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.
678
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,840
Is the segment over?
679
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,840
Where the hell's he going?
680
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,120
- Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote.
681
00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,560
Go with him, Remote 1.
682
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,680
Hey.
Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
683
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,640
- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?
684
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,440
There's people calling
685
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,160
- and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.
686
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,240
- Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.
687
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:12,720
Let's take a quick survey
688
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,880
and see which option
the men out there would pick.
689
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,280
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner,
690
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:22,600
or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
691
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,840
Aah!
692
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,320
Oh, shit.
693
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,280
All right.
694
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,360
If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
695
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,280
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
696
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,880
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
697
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,840
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
698
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,200
Just do it.
699
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:55,000
I was wrong. It's cherry.
700
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,960
Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.
701
00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,720
Uh...
702
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,600
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium
703
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,480
and see how
Penny the Porpoise is doing.
704
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,160
Can she
clear that 10-foot pole
705
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,120
with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.
706
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:09,880
When we come back.
707
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:18,240
Chemistry.
I smell threesome.
708
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:18,960
Ah.
709
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:23,160
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
710
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:24,480
You know what I mean.
711
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,280
Huh?
Do you realize that
712
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,760
I once had the Archbishop
Desmond Tutu on this show?
713
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,000
Who's that?
714
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,000
I can't even demonstrate
how far I've fallen
715
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,360
because you're not smart enough
to get the references.
716
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,920
Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
717
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,840
You were the one that
told me to lick the Jell-O.
718
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,080
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
719
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,400
It was cheap titillation.
720
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,200
I am now going
to broadcasting hell
721
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,360
right behind the naked
weather girl from Canada.
722
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,880
Seriously?
723
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,120
There's a
naked weather girl?
724
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:56,560
Hey, can we get her?
725
00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,240
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
726
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:01,000
Think of my son.
727
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,440
My son, who had a dream
of being a cosmetician.
728
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,040
Think about him.
Think about Joy.
729
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,600
Just do it for me.
730
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,880
Today it'll be partly sunny
with a cloud cover moving in
731
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,920
from my left breast.
732
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,280
Low pressure systems
are moving up,
733
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:15,600
so expect a cold front.
734
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,240
Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A.M.,
735
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:25,960
giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day
736
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,560
at 9:00, right here
on Channel 2.
737
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,400
Oh, God.
738
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,520
I used
to really like caviar,
739
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,360
until I found out it was
made out of fish eggs.
740
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,120
- Did you know that?
- Caviar's revolting.
741
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,280
- I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.
742
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,360
- John.
- Yesterday's ratings.
743
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,400
Oh. Thanks, John.
744
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,320
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
745
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:53,720
Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.
746
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,160
I feel dirty.
747
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,840
Did you hear about
the ratings?
748
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:59,760
Yes,
I am the producer.
749
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:02,160
Well, then did you hear that
corporate's coming next week
750
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:03,600
to take me out to dinner?
751
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,080
Oh. Well, let's hope you can
chew with your mouth closed.
752
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:08,760
Why do you hate my guts?
753
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,960
Your innards are of
no consequence to me.
754
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,120
It's what you represent.
755
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:13,680
- Oh, you hate the truth.
- Ha.
756
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:15,880
Your skewed perception
of male-female interaction
757
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:17,400
is not the truth.
758
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,120
But your imaginary
boyfriend's the truth?
759
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,360
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
760
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:24,960
Mm. Well, I hope
he's real this time,
761
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,560
because otherwise
this is just sad.
762
00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,800
Oh, he's real.
He's very real.
763
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,120
Not to mention stunningly
handsome, morally sound.
764
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,720
He's a surgeon.
An orthopedic surgeon.
765
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,480
- You know what that means.
- What?
766
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,080
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt
767
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,160
in medical school.
768
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:41,960
You disgust me.
769
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,320
So did Butt Boy ask you out?
770
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,240
Not yet.
771
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:50,840
We're taking things slow,
772
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,360
getting to know
each other first.
773
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:53,880
Why am I
talking to you about this?
774
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:57,040
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
775
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,760
What are you doing?
776
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,840
Doctor's office.
777
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,200
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
778
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,440
Please hold.
Yes, I'll hold.
779
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,480
- What're you doing?
- Shh!
780
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,080
- Why are you calling this guy?
- Shh.
781
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,200
- Shh.
- No.
782
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,880
- Dr. Anderson.
- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
783
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,440
Your neighbor
from last night.
784
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,000
Hey. Everything okay?
785
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,480
How's the, uh,
ankle treating you?
786
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,560
Couldn't be better.
787
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:32,640
I was just calling
to let you know
788
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:35,400
how much I enjoyed
meeting you last night.
789
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,160
Thanks.
790
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:40,880
Uh,
and I was thinking we should
791
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,000
go out for dinner sometime.
792
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,120
Oh.
793
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,720
There is a new
French bistro in town
794
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,640
and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
795
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,080
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
796
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:55,360
Um, Friday.
Oh. Wow.
797
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:58,160
Would Saturday be better?
Actually,
798
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:02,560
Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
799
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:05,320
What the hell
are you doing?
800
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,040
I'm saving you.
He was blowing you off.
801
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,520
He wasn't blowing me off!
802
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:11,160
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
803
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,160
And when you don't,
he'll call back.
804
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,920
How do you know?
Because I know how men operate.
805
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,160
If you want it to
work out with this guy,
806
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,400
then you'll listen to me,
and you'll do exactly as I say.
807
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,520
You've probably already done
irreparable damage
808
00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,240
with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
809
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:26,640
It might even be too late.
810
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:28,120
And if you do salvage
the situation,
811
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,000
you'll never be more than Abby,
812
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:31,600
his desperate neighbor.
813
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:33,760
I'm not desperate.
814
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,080
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
815
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:37,800
Listen to you.
816
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,240
Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.
817
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,360
- Ah! Oh!
- Okay.
818
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,440
Although you won't admit it,
819
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,040
you know that I know
what I'm talking about.
820
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,880
It's your call, dude.
821
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,680
Fine. What do I do?
822
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,240
Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug".
823
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,800
- Why would I...?
- Just do it.
824
00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,360
Hey, Doug.
825
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,040
Uh, no.
This is Colin.
826
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,360
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
827
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,720
That's perfect.
828
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,120
Uh, who's,
uh, Doug?
829
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:09,760
Who's Doug?
830
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,280
He's just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
831
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:15,400
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
832
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:16,440
Oh, okay.
833
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,320
- Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.
834
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:21,640
Sure.
835
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:24,120
Now what?
836
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:25,200
Now just make him wait.
837
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:27,080
If he's still holding
after 30 more seconds,
838
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:28,440
you may
actually have a chance.
839
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:30,000
No one's gonna wait
for somebody
840
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,160
they're trying to blow off.
841
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:32,840
You better
be right about this.
842
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:33,880
Just give me a little time,
843
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,400
I'm gonna make this guy
your bitch.
844
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,520
I don't want a bitch.
Colin would never be a bitch.
845
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,560
He is a well-rounded man
846
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:43,200
capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.
847
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,320
Things which
you know not of.
848
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,560
Maybe not.
But I do know about lust,
849
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:48,800
seduction and manipulation.
850
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,640
Things that you know not of.
851
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,360
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
852
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,040
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy,
853
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:59,200
then you'll quit giving me shit
and you'll work with me.
854
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,200
You know as well as I do that
we could make this show huge.
855
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,280
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?
856
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,440
Then I'll quit.
857
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,920
You're really
that confident?
858
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,600
It's been more than 30 seconds.
859
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:26,600
All right, deal. Now what?
860
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:28,520
Always make an impression.
861
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,400
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
862
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:32,640
But what about the...?
863
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,680
In five seconds,
he'll call. Come on.
864
00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:36,280
What are you,
Nostradamus?
865
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:39,400
Amazing.
866
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:43,720
Rule number one:
never criticize.
867
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:46,280
Even if it's constructive?
Never.
868
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:48,760
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
869
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:51,360
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
870
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,360
- Huh.
- Mm.
871
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,160
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
872
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,160
What if what he says
isn't funny?
873
00:34:58,160 --> 00:34:59,360
That's irrelevant.
874
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,280
A fake laugh is like
a fake orgasm.
875
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:02,360
A fake orgasm is good?
876
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,960
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
877
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,480
A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
Only to you.
878
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,000
You're not the only person
in the room, you know.
879
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,040
Let's not be selfish.
880
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:13,680
Now, that was perfect.
881
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,680
Real or fake?
882
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,200
You'll never know.
883
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,320
¶ My face to the sky
Dreaming about just how high ¶
884
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:23,240
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
885
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,200
We have to change your look.
886
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:26,800
What's wrong with my look?
887
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,560
Abby, you're a very
attractive woman,
888
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,200
but you are completely
inaccessible.
889
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:32,920
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.
890
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,840
What's wrong with comfort
and efficiency?
891
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,240
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
892
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,960
Hello. May I be of assistance?
Yes, you may.
893
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,680
We need cocktail dresses,
894
00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:45,480
tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts
895
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,440
sit up and say hello.
896
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,520
They're not saying hello now?
What are they saying?
897
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,920
Actually, they're giving off
more of a passing nod
898
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:54,840
rather than
an outright greeting.
899
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,560
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
900
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,280
I think this would be wonderful.
Ha-ha!
901
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,240
Now, that is a bra.
902
00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:03,160
Mm-hm.
Boobies in this thing say,
903
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,760
"Put me in your mouth,
I taste good".
904
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:09,160
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
905
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,560
Length is very important.
906
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,800
We need short enough
to see some thigh,
907
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,440
but not so short to see vag.
908
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,840
Mm. Vag says
you're trying too hard.
909
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,120
You think?
910
00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,680
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.
911
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,640
You've... Well,
you've got the raw materials.
912
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,880
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
913
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:29,440
Did you just tell me
I have a nice ass?
914
00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:30,800
Do you always have
to be so crass?
915
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:31,520
Oh!
916
00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:35,040
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems
917
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,080
because men don't
really listen or care.
918
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:39,800
- Some men care.
- No, some men pretend to care.
919
00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,240
When we ask you how you're
doing, it's just guy code for:
920
00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:43,640
"Let me stick
my dick in your ass".
921
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:44,880
Ugh!
922
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,160
Oh, I know you think
Colin is above it all,
923
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,720
but trust me, he's a guy.
924
00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:51,160
If he's even remotely into you,
he's probably thought about
925
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,400
each one of your orifices
at least 10 times.
926
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:56,120
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.
927
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,400
Oh, I don't assume.
I know.
928
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:02,120
Wait. We need to make
one more stop.
929
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,720
Why? I have tons of stuff.
930
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:05,360
Nah, we have to make
your hair longer.
931
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,680
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.
932
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,760
My hair is fine. There's
nothing wrong with my hair.
933
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,520
Abby, a ponytail implies
that you are either
934
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,440
operating heavy machinery
or emptying the litter box.
935
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,440
Neither of those things
inspires an erection.
936
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,600
Why is it my responsibility
to inspire an erection?
937
00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:20,960
Why isn't that his job?
938
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,600
Shut up.
939
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:44,520
Well? What do you think?
940
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,080
Uh... Not bad.
941
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:47,680
I just...
942
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:50,080
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean...
943
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:51,960
And I don't want you
to be a bimbo.
944
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,840
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.
945
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,960
The librarian
and the stripper.
946
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,400
On the one hand,
you have to push the guy away
947
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,160
with a cold indifference,
948
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:06,920
on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.
949
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,320
Now, we have to teach
you flirting.
950
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:10,440
I know how to flirt.
951
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:11,800
You know how to flirt?
952
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,480
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.
953
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,720
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics".
954
00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:19,320
I don't think so.
955
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:21,480
Hey, babe,
you wearing any underwear?
956
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:22,760
Hey, you know what?
957
00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:24,600
I wouldn't say that,
and I wouldn't grab ass.
958
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,520
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?
959
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:29,360
- What's it there for if not to grab it?
- Oh!
960
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,640
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.
961
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:36,040
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.
962
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:40,200
Hm. Maybe I'm just
a really good student.
963
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,480
- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
964
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:46,640
Uh, running your finger
down there.
965
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:47,800
Over me.
966
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:49,440
Why?
Is it turning you on?
967
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:53,680
- Maybe.
- Heh.
968
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:56,520
It's weird,
I think I kinda like it.
969
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:58,320
Really?
970
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:00,280
- Sucker.
- Oh, I knew it.
971
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,280
- Okay, no teaching the teacher.
- Come on.
972
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,320
- Who is it?
- It's Colin.
973
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:07,120
I'm not ready for this.
Am I ready for this?
974
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,720
- I'm not ready for this.
- Calm down. Shh!
975
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:12,240
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.
976
00:39:12,240 --> 00:39:13,720
- Under a minute?
- Yes.
977
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,240
Under a minute.
978
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:18,360
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
979
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,840
You're such an asshole.
980
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,280
- Hi.
- Hey.
981
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:27,120
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh, thanks.
982
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,080
Yeah, I was just
doing the dishes.
983
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:31,840
- So, what happened to you today?
- What'd you mean?
984
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:33,960
Well, you put me on hold
and you never called back.
985
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,320
- Oh, my God. Was that you?
- Yeah.
986
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,080
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's okay.
987
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,320
Uh, Colin, would you mind
giving me a call later?
988
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,640
I'm just so busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.
989
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,080
- Abby, wait.
- What now?
990
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,880
No, that's good.
Now make him suffer.
991
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,040
Make him suffer. Suffer.
992
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,160
Abby, I was wondering
if you'd like to go
993
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,720
to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.
994
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:05,560
Go, Comets!
995
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,640
ANNOUNCER
He delivers it.
996
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:16,120
Okay, I have
a visual. Nod if you can hear me.
997
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:20,520
Just relax.
It's gonna be fine.
998
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,600
Now, do exactly
what I tell you,
999
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,920
and when
I tell you to do it. Okay?
1000
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,720
You follow baseball?
Do something noncommittal.
1001
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,480
Eh. Ha-ha-ha.
1002
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,040
You okay?
1003
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:35,400
I'm fine.
1004
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:37,520
That was a little over the top,
but nice try.
1005
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:41,200
- Well, thanks.
- For what?
1006
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:45,080
Well, thanks for being you.
1007
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,760
- Mm-hm.
- You're welcome.
1008
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,080
Excuse me.
1009
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:01,680
Oh, my God.
You're Mike Chadway.
1010
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,040
I love you.
1011
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,760
- Hey, buddy, what the hell?
- Dude, what the fuck?
1012
00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:07,320
- Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
1013
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,080
No, no, no.
I'm not talking to you.
1014
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:12,240
I'm not talking to you.
Okay, did I do something wrong?
1015
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:15,280
No, stop. Listen.
1016
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:18,640
Tell him you saw him
looking at another girl.
1017
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,080
I... I saw you.
1018
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:21,800
I saw you
looking at another girl.
1019
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:24,680
- Who?
- That girl, right there.
1020
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:26,560
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.
1021
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:30,320
- Oh. Okay.
- Two. Thank you.
1022
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,960
Okay, we need a quick recovery.
1023
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:34,080
Um...
1024
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,320
Make sure you put the hot dog
1025
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,960
in your mouth nice and slowly.
1026
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,080
Men like watching
1027
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,080
penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.
1028
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,760
- Oh!
- Oh!
1029
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:49,720
I'm so sorry.
1030
00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:51,760
- Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
- No, it's okay. Really.
1031
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,040
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.
1032
00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,240
- What kind of fabric is this?
- I don't know. Cotton?
1033
00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:57,800
Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.
1034
00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,960
Well, actually,
leather's the worst.
1035
00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:01,360
- After that would be suede.
- Okay.
1036
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,160
- I think I can get it out.
- Abby.
1037
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,600
Oh, look,
hold on. It's coming!
1038
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:16,680
- Where?
- There. Right there.
1039
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,480
Abby? Abby,
you might wanna look up.
1040
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,800
Way to go, Abby.
1041
00:42:29,720 --> 00:42:32,040
Okay, I got you.
I'm in position.
1042
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,360
Can't say today
was boring.
1043
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:34,680
You're being nice.
1044
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,000
- I embarrassed you.
- No.
1045
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:39,520
You're just, uh,
not what I'm used to.
1046
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:40,920
I know.
1047
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,720
No, actually,
it's a good thing.
1048
00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,400
I'm used to women I can
figure out in five seconds.
1049
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:47,440
But I can't
do that with you.
1050
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:51,000
00:42:53,520
Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.
1052
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:55,680
We're gonna give
this one last shot.
1053
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:57,920
Well, good night then.
1054
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,640
That definitely made up
for my wet crotch.
1055
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,920
Ha. Me too.
1056
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:13,760
No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.
1057
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,640
Yeah. Ha-ha.
1058
00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,000
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
1059
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,120
- Okay.
- Bye.
1060
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:19,800
Bye.
1061
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:22,800
Night.
1062
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:23,480
Night.
1063
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:29,160
Oh!
1064
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:35,520
You did it! You did it!
You did it!
1065
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:36,720
I didn't do anything.
You did!
1066
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:37,960
- It was you.
- No.
1067
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:41,000
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.
1068
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,000
- He's such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he's dreamy.
1069
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,560
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.
1070
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:48,520
Right. Though weren't items
one through nine
1071
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,600
something to do with him
pretty much being gay?
1072
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,040
I'm gonna ignore that,
1073
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,160
because I am in such
a good mood.
1074
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:58,760
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
1075
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:11,320
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys
1076
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,600
are the closest relatives
to human beings
1077
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,760
both genetically and socially.
1078
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,560
Especially when
it comes to sex.
1079
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,400
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.
1080
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:22,520
One of my favorite
techniques as well.
1081
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:25,080
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source,
1082
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:27,800
they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension...
1083
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:30,320
- Small person on-set.
- Thanks.
1084
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:32,680
...which is something
we humans should look into.
1085
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:34,800
No, no, no.
This is not for children.
1086
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:36,280
It's okay. I know him.
1087
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:37,840
- You do?
- Yeah.
1088
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:40,640
...sit on their asses
all day and boss their men around.
1089
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:44,440
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.
1090
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:47,040
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
1091
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:48,600
And we're wrapped.
1092
00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:49,880
Heh-heh.
Great job, Mike.
1093
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:51,280
Thank you.
See you guys later.
1094
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:55,000
Yeah, I've got an adult
male bonobo monkey
1095
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,240
in my pants.
1096
00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:58,400
I'd like to see that.
1097
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:00,560
Hey. What are you
doing here?
1098
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:04,120
I told you no watching
the show, especially live.
1099
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:05,880
JONAH:
I need some emergency advice.
1100
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,120
Tracy Mclvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
1101
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:10,480
Is it dorky if I say yes?
1102
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:11,600
Dorky?
1103
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:14,480
Hell, no. Are you kidding?
1104
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:17,600
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.
1105
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,840
You know
how cool that is?
1106
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:22,240
Relish
this moment, okay?
1107
00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:24,560
Now get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.
1108
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:25,840
- Okay.
- We'll celebrate.
1109
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:27,800
JONAH:
Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
1110
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,400
Hey, have I ever?
1111
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:32,120
He lives with you?
1112
00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:35,240
Well, next door, with my sister.
1113
00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:36,880
Oh.
He's my nephew.
1114
00:45:36,880 --> 00:45:38,000
Oh.
1115
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:39,600
- Cute kid.
- Yeah.
1116
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:41,920
Here, uh, do me.
1117
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:45,200
- Okay. So guess what.
- What?
1118
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,400
Colin called, he wants
to get together again.
1119
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:50,960
Oh, Lord.
1120
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:55,000
Um, so how long should I wait
to have sex with him?
1121
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,040
Well, the more you
make him beg for it,
1122
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,280
the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.
1123
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:02,080
So do everything else but.
1124
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:05,560
But then show him
1125
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:08,800
that beneath that control-freak
exterior of yours,
1126
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:12,200
that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.
1127
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:15,560
No. No, I'm not
a sexual deviant. Mm-mm.
1128
00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:16,920
Good point.
1129
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,480
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for what,
1130
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:22,000
- a year?
- No.
1131
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,960
- Eleven months.
- God.
1132
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:26,480
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.
1133
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:30,520
So how often do you, uh...?
1134
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,560
Do I what?
1135
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,040
- Do I what?
- You know,
1136
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:37,120
flick the bean?
1137
00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:38,320
What bean?
1138
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,320
- Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
- Oh!
1139
00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,400
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?
1140
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,440
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating,
1141
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,440
but I thought that might
offend your delicate
1142
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:50,200
ladylike sensibilities.
1143
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,520
- So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.
1144
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:53,960
How often do you flick it?
1145
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:57,240
You're only asking me that so
you can picture me flicking mine
1146
00:46:57,240 --> 00:46:59,120
- while you flick yours.
- Oh, no.
1147
00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:01,120
I would never picture you
while I do that,
1148
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:02,320
which is
not something I do.
1149
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,280
- I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.
1150
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:05,720
- No. No. No.
- Never?
1151
00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:08,120
I find it impersonal.
1152
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:09,800
Abby, what could be
more personal
1153
00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:11,520
than you
flicking your bean?
1154
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,400
I just don't see myself
that way, okay?
1155
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:16,600
Okay, well, I do.
Come here. Ahem.
1156
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:18,680
Well, you better start.
1157
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:21,040
Because if you don't
wanna have sex with you,
1158
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,480
- why the hell would Colin?
- Hm.
1159
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:41,200
What is this?
What is this, baby?
1160
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:44,920
What? What, baby?
1161
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:53,040
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
1162
00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:56,480
"Astrea 1".
1163
00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:02,000
Oh. "Vibrating brief". Wow.
1164
00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:19,400
Great.
1165
00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:02,560
He said he was running late.
1166
00:49:02,560 --> 00:49:05,280
Ugh. What is he
doing here already?
1167
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:18,000
Good, you're ready.
For what?
1168
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,800
The dinner
with corporate.
1169
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:21,280
- Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.
1170
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,920
And I can't.
I have a date with Colin.
1171
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:25,560
You can't go because
you have a date?
1172
00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:29,080
You have no idea how hard
those are for her to get.
1173
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:32,680
Well, then let's pick
him up on the way.
1174
00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:34,720
Come on, let's go.
Right now.
1175
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:36,720
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
1176
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,800
Sorry to hijack
your date, brother.
1177
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:42,120
No worries.
You're a producer as well?
1178
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:44,480
No, dude,
I'm the talent.
1179
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:46,760
So you're, uh...
You're an anchor, then?
1180
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,000
No, I do
The Ugly Truth.
1181
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:51,000
Hasn't he ever seen
our show?
1182
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:52,320
Come on, Stuart.
1183
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:55,040
Our show's way too
low-brow for Colin.
1184
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:57,320
- He's a doctor.
- Yes.
1185
00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:58,640
That's right, he is.
1186
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:00,680
He doesn't wanna hear about
things like implants
1187
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:02,360
and oral sex.
1188
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:03,960
You talk about oral sex?
1189
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:05,600
Oh, look, we're here.
1190
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:09,760
You invited
the Jell-O twins?
1191
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,280
Yeah. I thought
it was good thinking.
1192
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:12,960
Well, it certainly
can't hurt.
1193
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:16,120
Ladies,
you look quite fetching.
1194
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:21,000
Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
1195
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:22,200
BOB:
Hey.
1196
00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:24,400
Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
Hi. And this is...
1197
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,280
And we all know Mike Chadway.
1198
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:27,920
And who are these
lovely ladies?
1199
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:31,040
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
1200
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:32,280
That's right.
1201
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:35,320
Our table's waiting. Shall we?
1202
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:36,240
Come this way.
1203
00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:37,720
You're doing
a hell of a job.
1204
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,520
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
1205
00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:43,520
- That's a good one, huh?
- That is funny.
1206
00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:45,240
HAROLD:
Thank you.
1207
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,920
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
1208
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:55,640
Ow!
1209
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:00,480
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
1210
00:51:03,680 --> 00:51:05,520
Yeah.
1211
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,800
Yeah. Right.
1212
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:11,000
No, really,
we are very excited
1213
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:13,160
about this year's rating
increases. And we're hoping
1214
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,520
that in the next quarter, we...
1215
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:17,160
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
1216
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:18,640
Nothing. Nothing.
1217
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:23,840
Um... Could you excuse me?
1218
00:51:23,840 --> 00:51:26,680
- Shit.
- Sorry, she's...
1219
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:33,280
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the remote.
1220
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,600
- What remote?
- For the... Oh!
1221
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:40,480
The underwear.
1222
00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:41,440
What?
1223
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:44,240
You're wearing them now?
1224
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:46,920
Oh! Wow.
1225
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,480
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
1226
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:52,400
Yeah.
1227
00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:58,640
Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.
1228
00:51:58,640 --> 00:52:03,280
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted. Oh.
1229
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:05,040
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.
1230
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:06,400
Abby, uh, hold on.
1231
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:08,720
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign
1232
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:11,440
we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
1233
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:14,560
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
1234
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:22,800
Well, they're, uh...
They're 15 seconds
1235
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:26,400
every hour, on the hour.
1236
00:52:26,400 --> 00:52:28,720
Yep. Yep, yep.
1237
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,880
They're so,
1238
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:34,440
so...
1239
00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:38,240
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
1240
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:39,920
Yes, you tell them.
1241
00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:41,800
Actually,
I was really enjoying
1242
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:44,880
the way you were
telling them. It was great.
1243
00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:49,120
You were...
You were telling them.
1244
00:52:49,120 --> 00:52:50,760
What's in ceviche?
1245
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:54,720
They're, um...
1246
00:52:54,720 --> 00:52:58,400
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
1247
00:52:58,400 --> 00:52:59,800
Amazing.
1248
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,400
And they're of...
1249
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,920
Of Mike telling an ugly truth,
1250
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,360
and they are just so...
1251
00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:07,360
So cutting-edge.
1252
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:10,680
So... So fantastic.
So fantastic!
1253
00:53:10,680 --> 00:53:12,880
Oh, God!
Oh, it's so, so great!
1254
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:16,080
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.
1255
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,600
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?
1256
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:28,840
I'm gonna use the restroom,
1257
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:31,560
if you'll excuse me.
1258
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:36,280
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
1259
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:39,240
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
1260
00:53:39,240 --> 00:53:42,520
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
1261
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:44,520
I figured I should
let you finish.
1262
00:53:44,520 --> 00:53:46,040
How kind.
1263
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:48,600
So thanks for coming tonight.
1264
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:49,880
To dinner.
1265
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:52,360
- That kind of coming.
- Mm-hm.
1266
00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:58,800
He likes you, by the way.
Colin.
1267
00:53:58,800 --> 00:53:59,920
I can tell.
1268
00:53:59,920 --> 00:54:00,920
Really?
1269
00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:02,680
We ready to go?
1270
00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:03,680
Yeah.
1271
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:05,760
- I know Abby is.
- Great.
1272
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:07,240
Let's go.
1273
00:54:07,240 --> 00:54:09,400
- Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.
1274
00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,800
Well, that went well,
I think.
1275
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,360
- Sure did. Let's get a drink.
- Yeah.
1276
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:21,720
Bob and Harold...
1277
00:54:24,600 --> 00:54:26,680
¶ I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine ¶
1278
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,960
¶ Oh, whoa ¶
1279
00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:34,760
¶ Do what you want
But you never gonna break me ¶
1280
00:54:34,760 --> 00:54:36,960
¶ Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me ¶
1281
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:40,520
¶ No, oh, whoa, oh ¶
1282
00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:42,400
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1283
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:44,560
¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶
1284
00:54:44,560 --> 00:54:46,640
¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶
1285
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:48,800
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1286
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:50,720
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1287
00:54:50,720 --> 00:54:52,920
¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶
1288
00:54:52,920 --> 00:54:55,200
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1289
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,920
¶ A hiding place ¶
¶ A hiding place ¶
1290
00:54:57,920 --> 00:54:59,960
¶ I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine ¶
1291
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:02,000
¶ I got a love and
I know that it's all mine ¶
1292
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,920
¶ Oh, whoa, oh ¶
1293
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,200
¶ Do what you want
But you never gonna break me ¶
1294
00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:10,760
¶ Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me ¶
1295
00:55:10,760 --> 00:55:14,480
¶ Oh, oh, whoa, oh ¶
1296
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:16,640
¶ Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me ¶
1297
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:18,760
¶ Do anything
You can to control me ¶
1298
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:22,080
¶ No, oh, no ¶
1299
00:55:22,080 --> 00:55:24,280
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1300
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:26,520
¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶
1301
00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:28,680
¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶
1302
00:55:28,680 --> 00:55:30,760
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1303
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,680
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1304
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:35,200
¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶
1305
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,240
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1306
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:40,240
¶ A hiding place ¶
¶ A hiding place ¶
1307
00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:46,480
¶ The sun is on my side ¶
1308
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,680
¶ Take me for a ride ¶
1309
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:50,640
¶ I smile up to the sky ¶
1310
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:52,640
¶ I know I'll be all right ¶
1311
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:54,440
¶ The sun is on my side ¶
1312
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:55,880
¶ Take me for a ride ¶
1313
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:58,520
Oh, my God. For me?
1314
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:01,320
Oh, my God,
he sent you flowers!
1315
00:56:03,680 --> 00:56:06,440
¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶
1316
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:08,600
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1317
00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:10,440
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1318
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,600
¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶
1319
00:56:12,600 --> 00:56:14,520
¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶
1320
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:16,880
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1321
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,680
¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶
1322
00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:23,400
Uh-huh. Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.
1323
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,400
Okay, bye. All right,
1324
00:56:25,400 --> 00:56:27,400
so we have
the balloon festival coming up
1325
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:29,760
and I thought for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment
1326
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:31,440
on how men are full of hot air.
1327
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:33,720
- Right? It's good, right?
- Heh. No.
1328
00:56:33,720 --> 00:56:35,880
No. Well, we should still
do some stuff on location,
1329
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,360
because you're great when
you're interacting with people.
1330
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:42,320
I'm sorry, did you just
say I'm great?
1331
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:46,080
Yeah, you kind of are.
1332
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:48,560
Hm. Back at you, babe.
1333
00:56:51,160 --> 00:56:53,200
So tell me this.
1334
00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:56,800
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?
1335
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:59,880
Oh, I much prefer
Sacramento to New York.
1336
00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:02,080
Ha. Come on.
1337
00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:04,320
You just like being
a big fish in a little pond.
1338
00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:07,040
- No. No.
- Mm.
1339
00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:08,760
And Sacramento
isn't really a pond,
1340
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:12,240
it's more of a lake,
or even an estuary. Hm.
1341
00:57:12,240 --> 00:57:15,440
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
1342
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,160
Uh, really good
school system.
1343
00:57:17,160 --> 00:57:19,440
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
1344
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:20,880
And there's a much lower
1345
00:57:20,880 --> 00:57:23,000
divorce rate here than
there is in New York.
1346
00:57:30,480 --> 00:57:31,920
Yes, well...
1347
00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:35,240
Thank God Colin would never
be into a woman like that.
1348
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:38,720
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only
likes women of quality, huh?
1349
00:57:38,720 --> 00:57:41,400
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.
1350
00:57:41,400 --> 00:57:45,040
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?
1351
00:57:45,040 --> 00:57:47,000
I've seen you with
the Funbag Twins, remember?
1352
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:48,680
Saw me what?
1353
00:57:48,680 --> 00:57:51,840
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
1354
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:53,440
They wanna be actresses, baby.
1355
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,800
I mean, who am I
to kill their dream?
1356
00:57:56,880 --> 00:57:58,320
Mm, such a generous man.
1357
00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:00,520
Now, you're telling me
you've never slept with them?
1358
00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:03,480
Well, no, I didn't say that.
That's my point.
1359
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:06,000
Men, or man-whores,
1360
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:10,400
prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
1361
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,480
Every man wants that.
1362
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:13,880
And for your information,
1363
00:58:13,880 --> 00:58:15,840
I only slept with the one
who could read.
1364
00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:19,120
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
1365
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:21,480
Yes. Yes, I did.
1366
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:24,160
I can say "cock".
You don't own the word. Cock.
1367
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:26,440
Cock, cock, cock.
1368
00:58:26,440 --> 00:58:28,400
Okay, I got it.
1369
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:31,160
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
1370
00:58:31,160 --> 00:58:33,920
Now you're, "cock this,
cock that," cock, cock, cock.
1371
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:38,160
You slept with Colin,
didn't you?
1372
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:38,960
No. No.
1373
00:58:42,080 --> 00:58:44,480
We didn't. We're saving
that for this weekend.
1374
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:47,680
He's taking me
to Lake Tahoe.
1375
00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:51,080
Wow.
1376
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,240
Wow.
1377
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:58,440
Well,
1378
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:01,480
here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?
1379
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:05,160
I'm really a man
of discriminating taste
1380
00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:07,000
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
1381
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:09,400
Thank you.
1382
00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:14,040
So there you have it.
1383
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:18,000
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.
1384
00:59:18,000 --> 00:59:19,920
There are many layers
in between.
1385
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:23,160
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers
1386
00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:27,280
and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
1387
00:59:27,280 --> 00:59:29,360
That sounded
almost enlightened.
1388
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:32,640
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends,
1389
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,200
her lady garden awaits.
1390
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:36,800
And he's back.
1391
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:38,800
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize
1392
00:59:38,800 --> 00:59:40,360
that patch of petunias.
1393
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:43,240
Well, thanks, Mike.
1394
00:59:43,240 --> 00:59:46,040
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias
1395
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,880
are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
1396
00:59:48,880 --> 00:59:51,080
I sure hope mine do.
1397
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:53,320
I wanna go home, but let's
go over the script right now.
1398
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:56,760
Yeah, let's get it done
really quickly.
1399
00:59:56,760 --> 01:00:00,080
I'm turned on with the layers.
Want to see these layers?
1400
01:00:00,080 --> 01:00:01,480
- There he is.
- Hey, what's up?
1401
01:00:01,480 --> 01:00:03,360
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
1402
01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:05,200
What?
I got you on The Late Late Show
1403
01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:08,800
with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
1404
01:00:08,800 --> 01:00:10,320
Craig Ferguson wants me
on his show?
1405
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,440
Yeah.
1406
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:13,400
You're shitting me.
I am not shitting you.
1407
01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:14,680
- Oh, yeah!
- We made it.
1408
01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:17,880
Yes!
1409
01:00:19,000 --> 01:00:21,240
Hi. Who are you?
1410
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:22,240
Oh, this is Rick.
1411
01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:24,400
- I'm his agent.
- Yeah.
1412
01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:27,360
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay
1413
01:00:27,360 --> 01:00:30,240
to book Late Night without
the producer's approval?
1414
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:32,480
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates".
1415
01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:35,880
And since he became the hottest
personality on morning TV.
1416
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:37,320
Have you seen this guy's
ratings?
1417
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:40,480
Yes. Yes, I have.
1418
01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:42,200
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
1419
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:43,480
- Okay.
- It's all set.
1420
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:45,480
- How cool is this?
- Come on, let's go.
1421
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:49,120
Aah! Oh, my God!
1422
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,440
Joy said
you wanted to see me?
1423
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:58,360
I just found out that
Mike's being offered a job
1424
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,960
at a CBS affiliate in
San Francisco at twice the pay.
1425
01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:03,200
Craig Ferguson
is his audition.
1426
01:01:03,200 --> 01:01:05,920
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.
1427
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:08,040
If Bob and Harold find out
about this, we're dead.
1428
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,800
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
1429
01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,440
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.
1430
01:01:12,440 --> 01:01:14,720
Just don't let him know
that you know beforehand.
1431
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:17,480
Go ahead and let him do the
show, and get us our publicity,
1432
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:20,160
and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us
1433
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:24,040
for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
1434
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:34,280
Stuart, I'm pulling up.
1435
01:01:34,280 --> 01:01:35,960
I'm gonna try to catch him
before he goes.
1436
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:37,920
Okay. I'll call you back.
1437
01:01:39,240 --> 01:01:41,040
Thank you.
1438
01:01:41,040 --> 01:01:43,640
Hello,
little stupid penis face.
1439
01:01:43,640 --> 01:01:45,680
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
1440
01:01:45,680 --> 01:01:46,960
Hear you wanna move to CBS.
1441
01:01:46,960 --> 01:01:49,640
Is everything okay, miss?
1442
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:53,160
Yes, I'm just...
I'm practicing my speech.
1443
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,040
Abby?
What are you doing here?
1444
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:57,880
I thought you were
going to Tahoe.
1445
01:01:57,880 --> 01:02:00,160
Oh. You couldn't spend a day
without me, could you?
1446
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:03,440
Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
1447
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:05,200
Stuart thought you needed
a producer more
1448
01:02:05,200 --> 01:02:06,720
than I needed to get laid.
1449
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:09,000
So come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
1450
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:10,320
Wow.
1451
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:13,280
Five minutes.
Ticktock, ticktock.
1452
01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:15,280
Yes, dear.
1453
01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:19,360
Okay, uh, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
1454
01:02:19,360 --> 01:02:22,000
I'm sorry you didn't get
to spend time
1455
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,520
with little Colin
this weekend.
1456
01:02:23,520 --> 01:02:25,760
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized,
1457
01:02:25,760 --> 01:02:28,320
although I highly suspect
that's the case.
1458
01:02:28,320 --> 01:02:31,600
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
1459
01:02:31,600 --> 01:02:34,160
Because I thought maybe
we should talk about
1460
01:02:34,160 --> 01:02:36,000
what you're gonna say
on the show.
1461
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,640
Yeah. Okay.
1462
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:41,920
So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?
1463
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:44,040
Uh, well,
Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson,
1464
01:02:44,040 --> 01:02:45,880
I had a sales job
1465
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:49,160
where I was driving around
a lot, listening to talk radio.
1466
01:02:49,160 --> 01:02:50,640
I started calling in,
1467
01:02:50,640 --> 01:02:53,440
and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
1468
01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:55,200
Just ask my producer, Abby.
1469
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:57,000
She thinks
I'm a genius on days
1470
01:02:57,000 --> 01:02:58,600
when she's not
sexually frustrated.
1471
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:00,360
Yes, thousands of lives
1472
01:03:00,360 --> 01:03:01,800
have been enriched
by your wisdom.
1473
01:03:01,800 --> 01:03:03,520
Excuse me, lady,
1474
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:05,560
but you have a boyfriend
right now because of me.
1475
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:07,000
It may have started
because of you,
1476
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:08,240
but it's lasted because of me.
1477
01:03:08,240 --> 01:03:09,480
Great.
So you're acting like
1478
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:11,480
your normal control-freak
psycho self again.
1479
01:03:11,480 --> 01:03:13,120
I am not a control freak.
1480
01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:14,920
When you checked
into the hotel,
1481
01:03:14,920 --> 01:03:17,360
did you or did you not
insist on getting
1482
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:20,600
an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?
1483
01:03:21,680 --> 01:03:24,160
I like rising with the sun,
and a view.
1484
01:03:25,720 --> 01:03:30,000
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby,
1485
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:31,360
not the Abby version
of Abby.
1486
01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:33,880
So don't go knocking
my words of wisdom
1487
01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:36,920
when you're living proof
that they work.
1488
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:39,120
I could be
having sex right now.
1489
01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:40,720
Right this way, please.
1490
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:41,880
Dude, this is awesome.
1491
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:44,960
You are about to go on
national television.
1492
01:03:44,960 --> 01:03:46,720
Okay, this isn't helping,
Rick.
1493
01:03:46,720 --> 01:03:49,160
Just, you know,
do what you always do.
1494
01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:50,880
What do I always do?
1495
01:03:50,880 --> 01:03:53,840
You, uh...
I don't know, you...
1496
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:56,600
You entertain millions of people
with your moronic ideas,
1497
01:03:56,600 --> 01:03:58,880
and they love you for it.
1498
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:01,120
I think that may be the nicest
thing you ever said to me.
1499
01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:02,840
- You're welcome.
- Next up,
1500
01:04:02,840 --> 01:04:04,840
here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women
1501
01:04:04,840 --> 01:04:07,400
is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
1502
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:11,640
Mike, Mike, Mike.
1503
01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:13,520
Come on up.
1504
01:04:13,520 --> 01:04:16,200
Hey, how are you, folks?
1505
01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:18,400
FERGUSON:
All right, Mike, welcome.
1506
01:04:18,400 --> 01:04:22,080
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men".
1507
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:24,520
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes...
1508
01:04:24,520 --> 01:04:25,520
No, I get it. I get it.
1509
01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:27,600
We're not known for
our expertise
1510
01:04:27,600 --> 01:04:29,680
in matters of the heart.
1511
01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:33,520
But I hear you have some very
interesting ideas and theories.
1512
01:04:33,520 --> 01:04:36,160
What advice would you give
to the good people out there
1513
01:04:36,160 --> 01:04:38,000
that are
looking for love?
1514
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:39,760
My advice would be, uh:
1515
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:41,120
Don't do it.
1516
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:43,960
I mean,
try to find lust instead.
1517
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:47,120
It's a lot easier
and a lot less messy.
1518
01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:48,560
Blue balls,
they only last a few hours,
1519
01:04:48,560 --> 01:04:51,120
but a broken heart,
that can last years.
1520
01:04:55,920 --> 01:04:58,040
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
1521
01:04:58,040 --> 01:04:59,000
Who?
1522
01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:04,240
The woman that screwed
you up. She must have been a doozy.
1523
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:14,320
Ah. Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.
1524
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,800
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
1525
01:05:33,920 --> 01:05:36,200
Did you get him? Is he ours?
1526
01:05:36,200 --> 01:05:37,440
I'm working on it.
1527
01:05:37,440 --> 01:05:39,360
I gotta go.
1528
01:05:40,600 --> 01:05:43,040
- Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.
1529
01:05:43,040 --> 01:05:45,160
I thought maybe you and I
could celebrate on our own.
1530
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:47,200
Here. Give me some of that.
1531
01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:50,120
And, uh, what exactly
are we celebrating?
1532
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,920
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
1533
01:05:52,920 --> 01:05:55,000
I mean, maybe you saw it?
1534
01:05:55,880 --> 01:05:58,480
I heard about
the offer from CBS.
1535
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:02,320
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
1536
01:06:02,320 --> 01:06:04,160
You did?
1537
01:06:05,640 --> 01:06:07,000
Why?
1538
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:07,680
Jonah.
1539
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:11,040
You know,
he needs me around.
1540
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:14,920
I may not be the best
father figure out there,
1541
01:06:14,920 --> 01:06:16,800
but I'm the only one he's got.
1542
01:06:16,800 --> 01:06:20,520
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
1543
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:24,000
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.
1544
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,160
Thank you.
1545
01:06:25,160 --> 01:06:27,200
Now, can we stop
talking about work
1546
01:06:27,200 --> 01:06:32,120
and maybe relax
and drink, enjoy?
1547
01:06:32,120 --> 01:06:33,080
God.
1548
01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:36,520
Tell me about the doozy.
1549
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,320
You know, the woman
who broke your heart.
1550
01:06:39,320 --> 01:06:42,120
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
1551
01:06:42,120 --> 01:06:45,120
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
1552
01:06:47,560 --> 01:06:50,160
Well,
for your information,
1553
01:06:50,160 --> 01:06:53,640
it was, uh...
It was more than just one.
1554
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,560
It was more like a parade.
1555
01:06:57,560 --> 01:07:01,240
Co-dependent girls,
unfaithful girls,
1556
01:07:01,240 --> 01:07:02,720
depressed girls,
1557
01:07:02,720 --> 01:07:05,640
narcissistic girls,
phony girls.
1558
01:07:05,640 --> 01:07:09,440
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
1559
01:07:10,760 --> 01:07:13,400
By the time I hit 30,
I realized that, uh,
1560
01:07:13,400 --> 01:07:15,280
you can only have
so many lousy relationships
1561
01:07:15,280 --> 01:07:16,360
before you figure out
1562
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:17,880
there's no such thing
as a good one.
1563
01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:20,280
Oh, come on. You can't really
believe there's no such thing
1564
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:22,080
as a good relationship.
1565
01:07:22,080 --> 01:07:25,240
Mm. To my very core.
1566
01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:28,560
Hello. Can I
get you something?
1567
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:30,560
I'll have one of those, please.
A mojito. Sure.
1568
01:07:30,560 --> 01:07:32,960
Would you like anything else?
Yeah, some water.
1569
01:07:32,960 --> 01:07:35,440
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?
1570
01:07:35,440 --> 01:07:38,160
- Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.
1571
01:07:39,160 --> 01:07:40,320
What?
1572
01:07:40,320 --> 01:07:42,400
What?
1573
01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:44,800
It's the exact same thing,
isn't it?
1574
01:07:46,440 --> 01:07:49,440
So I've been told.
1575
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:53,160
Come on, let's dance.
1576
01:07:53,160 --> 01:07:55,520
No, I'm serious.
1577
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:58,440
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
1578
01:07:58,440 --> 01:08:00,480
No, really.
I can't dance like that.
1579
01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:02,200
I can. Well, kind of.
1580
01:08:06,400 --> 01:08:08,440
Ugh. Mike, no.
1581
01:08:08,440 --> 01:08:09,160
No.
1582
01:08:25,640 --> 01:08:27,600
¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶
1583
01:08:27,600 --> 01:08:29,680
¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶
1584
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:31,560
¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶
1585
01:08:31,560 --> 01:08:33,720
¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶
1586
01:08:33,720 --> 01:08:35,440
¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶
1587
01:08:35,440 --> 01:08:37,360
¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶
1588
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:39,280
¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶
1589
01:08:39,280 --> 01:08:42,600
¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶
1590
01:09:11,880 --> 01:09:13,840
¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶
1591
01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:16,080
¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶
1592
01:09:16,080 --> 01:09:17,840
¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶
1593
01:09:17,840 --> 01:09:19,760
¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶
1594
01:09:19,760 --> 01:09:21,520
¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶
1595
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:23,600
¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶
1596
01:09:23,600 --> 01:09:25,440
¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶
1597
01:09:25,440 --> 01:09:27,800
¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶
1598
01:09:36,480 --> 01:09:41,080
We have an early flight
tomorrow. We should go.
1599
01:09:45,120 --> 01:09:47,560
Yeah. We should go.
1600
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:19,480
So the car is gonna pick us
up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
1601
01:10:19,480 --> 01:10:22,520
Do you want me to call you?
No, I'll get a wake-up call.
1602
01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:24,560
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.
1603
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:29,160
I had a really good time
tonight.
1604
01:10:29,160 --> 01:10:31,080
Me too.
1605
01:10:31,080 --> 01:10:32,840
Yeah.
1606
01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:42,320
- My floor.
- Yeah.
1607
01:10:42,320 --> 01:10:44,520
- See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.
1608
01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:46,640
Eight o'clock.
1609
01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:49,080
- Good night.
- Good night. Oh!
1610
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:53,400
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
1611
01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:57,680
- A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
1612
01:11:13,440 --> 01:11:14,800
I guess, uh,
1613
01:11:14,800 --> 01:11:17,240
I guess I should go, huh?
1614
01:11:17,240 --> 01:11:18,440
Yeah.
1615
01:11:19,640 --> 01:11:22,040
Good night.
1616
01:11:43,280 --> 01:11:46,520
What the hell was that?
1617
01:11:46,520 --> 01:11:49,440
Why do I wanna do it again?
1618
01:12:01,520 --> 01:12:03,120
- Miss me?
- Colin.
1619
01:12:03,120 --> 01:12:04,680
You were expecting
someone else?
1620
01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:05,400
No.
1621
01:12:06,120 --> 01:12:07,480
- Mm.
- Uh...
1622
01:12:07,480 --> 01:12:09,240
Since you couldn't
come to Lake Tahoe,
1623
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:11,280
I decided to come to you.
1624
01:12:11,280 --> 01:12:13,760
Oh. How did you
know I was here?
1625
01:12:13,760 --> 01:12:14,840
Uh, Joy told me.
1626
01:12:14,840 --> 01:12:16,160
I just started
thinking about
1627
01:12:16,160 --> 01:12:18,400
all the stuff we were
going to do there, and I...
1628
01:12:18,400 --> 01:12:22,160
- Come here.
- decided I couldn't wait.
1629
01:12:22,160 --> 01:12:23,560
- A little champagne?
- Yeah.
1630
01:12:23,560 --> 01:12:24,240
Great.
1631
01:12:25,640 --> 01:12:28,320
- So happy to be here.
- Oh, yes.
1632
01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:30,240
What's wrong?
1633
01:12:30,240 --> 01:12:32,760
Nothing.
You just surprised me.
1634
01:12:32,760 --> 01:12:34,480
You told me you were
spontaneous.
1635
01:12:34,480 --> 01:12:35,960
Yes, I did.
1636
01:12:35,960 --> 01:12:38,280
Have a little something else
on its way up for you.
1637
01:12:38,280 --> 01:12:40,040
You are going to love it.
1638
01:12:41,680 --> 01:12:42,960
- Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha!
- Whoa!
1639
01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:45,200
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
1640
01:12:45,200 --> 01:12:48,720
Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
1641
01:12:48,720 --> 01:12:50,320
- I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.
1642
01:13:01,240 --> 01:13:03,200
Abby, I...
1643
01:13:05,920 --> 01:13:08,920
Abby, I really,
really wanna do that again,
1644
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:10,360
and not just tonight.
1645
01:13:10,360 --> 01:13:12,000
Fuck!
1646
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:14,560
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
1647
01:13:14,560 --> 01:13:18,280
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
1648
01:13:25,280 --> 01:13:28,360
Hey, hey.
You're not room service.
1649
01:13:28,360 --> 01:13:30,680
- How you doing, man?
- Hey. Uh...
1650
01:13:30,680 --> 01:13:33,200
Hey. Good to see you.
I, uh...
1651
01:13:33,200 --> 01:13:36,840
I just came by to tell
Abby about the change
1652
01:13:36,840 --> 01:13:38,600
in our flight time,
1653
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:41,520
but I can come by later.
1654
01:13:41,520 --> 01:13:42,200
Hi.
1655
01:13:42,840 --> 01:13:44,160
Hey.
1656
01:13:44,160 --> 01:13:46,280
What are you doing here?
1657
01:13:46,280 --> 01:13:48,080
Uh, flight's changed.
1658
01:13:48,080 --> 01:13:51,360
Eight o'clock in the morning.
1659
01:13:51,360 --> 01:13:54,000
I... I told you that already?
1660
01:13:54,920 --> 01:13:58,840
Uh, I'm so...
Long day, big day.
1661
01:13:58,840 --> 01:14:01,440
Okay, I'll just leave now.
1662
01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:11,040
Mike. Mike.
1663
01:14:11,040 --> 01:14:13,160
Hey, wait.
1664
01:14:14,880 --> 01:14:17,000
He came to surprise me. I...
1665
01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:19,320
Hey, how convenient.
1666
01:14:19,320 --> 01:14:20,800
No, I...
1667
01:14:20,800 --> 01:14:22,920
I thought it was you
at the door.
1668
01:14:22,920 --> 01:14:25,080
Well, I guess we're all
interchangeable.
1669
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:28,840
I taught you well.
1670
01:14:28,840 --> 01:14:31,040
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.
1671
01:14:39,200 --> 01:14:42,480
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.
1672
01:14:42,480 --> 01:14:44,760
Should I tell Colin to go?
1673
01:14:45,880 --> 01:14:46,600
No.
1674
01:14:48,760 --> 01:14:51,000
No, why pull up anchor now?
1675
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:53,960
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
1676
01:14:55,480 --> 01:14:59,400
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?
1677
01:15:00,480 --> 01:15:02,560
What do you want me to say?
1678
01:15:04,360 --> 01:15:06,360
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
1679
01:15:07,640 --> 01:15:09,640
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
1680
01:15:09,640 --> 01:15:10,360
Hm.
1681
01:15:14,240 --> 01:15:15,680
I'll see you.
1682
01:15:41,520 --> 01:15:43,120
Sorry about that.
1683
01:15:43,120 --> 01:15:46,240
No. Honestly, no worries.
1684
01:15:46,240 --> 01:15:47,720
Just come here.
1685
01:15:48,960 --> 01:15:52,080
Listen, the rest
of the night is ours. Hm?
1686
01:15:52,080 --> 01:15:56,360
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
1687
01:15:59,600 --> 01:16:01,600
Whoa. Uh...
1688
01:16:01,600 --> 01:16:03,000
Okay.
1689
01:16:05,240 --> 01:16:07,320
Mm. Yeah.
1690
01:16:07,320 --> 01:16:10,520
Colin, why do you like me?
1691
01:16:11,680 --> 01:16:12,600
Oh, heh.
1692
01:16:14,120 --> 01:16:15,160
Wow. Uh...
1693
01:16:15,160 --> 01:16:17,720
You're beautiful.
1694
01:16:17,720 --> 01:16:19,160
You're smart.
1695
01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:20,840
You, uh...
1696
01:16:20,840 --> 01:16:22,800
You never criticize.
1697
01:16:22,800 --> 01:16:25,360
You know what? You never
try to control the situation.
1698
01:16:25,360 --> 01:16:28,400
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air
1699
01:16:28,400 --> 01:16:31,520
because I know so many women
who are total control freaks,
1700
01:16:31,520 --> 01:16:32,520
and it's a nightmare.
1701
01:16:32,520 --> 01:16:34,680
And I just love that
you're not like that.
1702
01:16:34,680 --> 01:16:35,880
But I am.
1703
01:16:35,880 --> 01:16:38,080
I am just like that.
1704
01:16:38,080 --> 01:16:40,040
Wait, what do you mean?
1705
01:16:40,040 --> 01:16:42,400
Well, this should be chilled.
1706
01:16:42,400 --> 01:16:44,080
And you know that.
1707
01:16:44,080 --> 01:16:46,800
And, uh,
as horrible as it sounds,
1708
01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:48,560
I was editing that speech
1709
01:16:48,560 --> 01:16:50,080
the entire time
you were giving it.
1710
01:16:50,080 --> 01:16:52,560
And the time you fed me caviar,
1711
01:16:52,560 --> 01:16:55,120
I was in physical pain.
1712
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:57,720
I hate being fed
like a toddler.
1713
01:16:57,720 --> 01:17:00,040
That's how much
of a control freak I am.
1714
01:17:00,040 --> 01:17:03,080
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because
1715
01:17:03,080 --> 01:17:05,760
who would love
someone like that?
1716
01:17:05,760 --> 01:17:07,400
No one.
1717
01:17:12,360 --> 01:17:13,440
Um...
1718
01:17:24,080 --> 01:17:26,400
I'm so sorry.
1719
01:17:26,400 --> 01:17:29,400
You are a great guy,
you really are.
1720
01:17:29,400 --> 01:17:33,800
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
1721
01:17:33,800 --> 01:17:36,640
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
1722
01:17:36,640 --> 01:17:39,520
Then who have you been?
1723
01:17:41,440 --> 01:17:44,320
The girl some idiot
told me to be.
1724
01:18:10,040 --> 01:18:12,200
Morning, Freddy.
1725
01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:15,240
What did you do to him?
1726
01:18:15,240 --> 01:18:16,280
I didn't do anything.
1727
01:18:16,280 --> 01:18:17,880
He missed the flight
all on his own.
1728
01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:20,160
He quit this morning.
1729
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,400
I just got a smug call
from the local CBS affiliate
1730
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:23,960
saying they'd closed
a deal with him.
1731
01:18:23,960 --> 01:18:26,480
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
1732
01:18:26,480 --> 01:18:29,640
He quit to go to one
of our local competitors?
1733
01:18:31,280 --> 01:18:32,720
We don't need Mike Chadway.
1734
01:18:32,720 --> 01:18:35,000
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.
1735
01:18:35,000 --> 01:18:36,160
You'd better be right.
1736
01:18:36,160 --> 01:18:37,120
Because you gotta find me
another one
1737
01:18:37,120 --> 01:18:39,320
by the end of the week
or else we're cancelled.
1738
01:18:39,320 --> 01:18:41,880
I'll find one
by the end of the day.
1739
01:18:41,880 --> 01:18:45,400
Not really. I'm just...
That's just a joke, everybody.
1740
01:18:45,400 --> 01:18:47,720
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel anything for him.
1741
01:18:47,720 --> 01:18:49,960
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin.
1742
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:51,520
I'm sorry.
1743
01:18:51,520 --> 01:18:53,600
Okay, here are the
Mike Chadway replacements.
1744
01:18:53,600 --> 01:18:55,600
Yes, no, yes, no, no,
1745
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:57,800
fuck no.
"Fuck no". All right.
1746
01:18:57,800 --> 01:19:00,800
So, what do you think
of the new set?
1747
01:19:00,800 --> 01:19:02,400
I love it.
1748
01:19:02,400 --> 01:19:05,800
KSXP retained the copyright
to your old segment title,
1749
01:19:05,800 --> 01:19:09,920
so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
1750
01:19:11,240 --> 01:19:12,400
Love it.
1751
01:19:12,400 --> 01:19:14,520
And this is Joe,
your new producer.
1752
01:19:14,520 --> 01:19:15,240
Hi.
1753
01:19:17,640 --> 01:19:19,960
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?
1754
01:19:19,960 --> 01:19:22,400
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
1755
01:19:22,400 --> 01:19:24,160
I'm relieved
to hear that.
1756
01:19:27,440 --> 01:19:31,720
¶ Givin' myself to you is like
Givin' myself to chainsaw ¶
1757
01:19:31,720 --> 01:19:33,520
¶ You keep cuttin' me open
Why? ¶
1758
01:19:33,520 --> 01:19:36,800
¶ Is that the only thing
That you're good for? ¶
1759
01:19:36,800 --> 01:19:41,200
¶ Givin' myself to you is like
Givin' myself to a chainsaw ¶
1760
01:19:41,200 --> 01:19:43,400
¶ You keep cuttin' me open
Why? ¶
1761
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:45,800
¶ Is that the only thing
That you're good for? ¶
1762
01:19:52,200 --> 01:19:55,440
How's my face?
Is it too shiny?
1763
01:19:55,440 --> 01:19:59,280
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
1764
01:19:59,280 --> 01:20:01,040
They're all great.
1765
01:20:01,040 --> 01:20:03,200
Can we go over your intro
one more time?
1766
01:20:03,200 --> 01:20:05,840
"I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is.. ".
1767
01:20:05,840 --> 01:20:08,800
The Ugly Truth.
1768
01:20:10,040 --> 01:20:13,040
Okay. Let's, uh,
maybe lose the gun thing.
1769
01:20:13,040 --> 01:20:15,640
What? Gun's my signature move.
1770
01:20:15,640 --> 01:20:17,600
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month,
1771
01:20:17,600 --> 01:20:19,160
I say lose
the effing gun.
1772
01:20:19,160 --> 01:20:22,880
All right, we're live
in five, four, three...
1773
01:20:22,880 --> 01:20:24,640
Two, one.
1774
01:20:24,640 --> 01:20:26,240
Think this guy's any good?
1775
01:20:26,240 --> 01:20:27,800
He better be.
1776
01:20:27,800 --> 01:20:32,320
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
1777
01:20:32,320 --> 01:20:34,080
Peace.
1778
01:20:34,080 --> 01:20:35,840
Oh, Jesus.
He's going political.
1779
01:20:35,840 --> 01:20:38,160
Okay, so we'll do a couple
questions with the balloon pilot
1780
01:20:38,160 --> 01:20:39,960
about how often
couples get it on
1781
01:20:39,960 --> 01:20:41,400
in-flight,
and then we're out.
1782
01:20:41,400 --> 01:20:42,200
Got it.
1783
01:20:43,760 --> 01:20:45,480
Check it out.
Your replacement's on.
1784
01:20:45,480 --> 01:20:47,160
GEORGIA:... Jack Magnum.
My what?
1785
01:20:47,160 --> 01:20:49,600
How's it going out there?
Your replacement?
1786
01:20:49,600 --> 01:20:51,400
Most of you
are watching this show
1787
01:20:51,400 --> 01:20:53,000
so you can learn how
to get chicks.
1788
01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:56,440
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
1789
01:20:56,440 --> 01:20:58,520
You're looking at a guy
1790
01:20:58,520 --> 01:21:02,680
who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
1791
01:21:02,680 --> 01:21:04,120
Most of them conscious.
1792
01:21:05,720 --> 01:21:07,800
This is beautiful.
1793
01:21:07,800 --> 01:21:09,480
Now, we're here
at the balloon festival
1794
01:21:09,480 --> 01:21:11,200
and I'm supposed
to be telling you about
1795
01:21:11,200 --> 01:21:12,440
how men are full of hot air.
1796
01:21:12,440 --> 01:21:13,960
But I think we all know,
1797
01:21:13,960 --> 01:21:15,720
it's the ladies
that are full of crap.
1798
01:21:15,720 --> 01:21:19,640
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
1799
01:21:19,640 --> 01:21:21,840
If that were the case,
1800
01:21:21,840 --> 01:21:23,160
I'd have only 90 women...
1801
01:21:24,920 --> 01:21:26,040
Okay. All right.
1802
01:21:26,040 --> 01:21:27,360
What the hell?
1803
01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:29,280
Did she...? Oh.
1804
01:21:29,280 --> 01:21:30,640
- Uh...
- Welcome back.
1805
01:21:30,640 --> 01:21:34,160
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
1806
01:21:34,160 --> 01:21:37,040
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
1807
01:21:37,040 --> 01:21:39,000
Okay, I got it.
1808
01:21:39,000 --> 01:21:40,560
Unh. Hi.
1809
01:21:40,560 --> 01:21:41,840
- Uh...
- We're back.
1810
01:21:41,840 --> 01:21:43,600
I'm sorry,
1811
01:21:43,600 --> 01:21:47,840
but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
1812
01:21:47,840 --> 01:21:49,960
Which should really
come as no surprise
1813
01:21:49,960 --> 01:21:53,600
because men
are completely unreliable.
1814
01:21:53,600 --> 01:21:55,760
What is she doing?
1815
01:21:55,760 --> 01:21:59,000
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes,
I know. We're fixing it.
1816
01:21:59,000 --> 01:22:00,520
Take Mike Chadway,
for instance.
1817
01:22:00,520 --> 01:22:03,640
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
1818
01:22:03,640 --> 01:22:05,760
You think you know what men
are gonna do,
1819
01:22:05,760 --> 01:22:07,880
you think you know
what men want to do.
1820
01:22:07,880 --> 01:22:09,760
But when it comes right down
to that moment
1821
01:22:09,760 --> 01:22:11,360
where they actually need
to step up
1822
01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:13,400
and, I don't know,
make a move,
1823
01:22:13,400 --> 01:22:14,960
they chicken out.
1824
01:22:14,960 --> 01:22:17,520
Oh. I am all over this.
1825
01:22:17,520 --> 01:22:19,880
Where're you going?
We're live in two!
1826
01:22:19,880 --> 01:22:21,040
It's going great, isn't it?
1827
01:22:21,040 --> 01:22:23,480
The big, strong, brave men
1828
01:22:23,480 --> 01:22:24,920
that we've all been
reading about
1829
01:22:24,920 --> 01:22:27,400
in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old,
1830
01:22:27,400 --> 01:22:29,800
that's a fallacy.
They don't exist.
1831
01:22:29,800 --> 01:22:33,400
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.
1832
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:35,120
Men are afraid.
1833
01:22:35,120 --> 01:22:36,480
It's all part of the show.
1834
01:22:36,480 --> 01:22:38,440
Sort of an Andy Kaufman
thing we're doing.
1835
01:22:38,440 --> 01:22:43,960
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator, and...
1836
01:22:45,440 --> 01:22:47,560
and it's totally romantic
and full of potential,
1837
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:51,080
men are incapable
of copping to it.
1838
01:22:51,080 --> 01:22:53,200
Because why?
1839
01:22:53,200 --> 01:22:54,640
Men are weak.
1840
01:22:54,640 --> 01:22:58,160
Let me tell you something
about women.
1841
01:22:58,160 --> 01:22:59,600
Oh. Hey.
1842
01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:03,280
Woman would have us believe
that they are the victims.
1843
01:23:03,280 --> 01:23:05,360
That we break
their hearts for sport.
1844
01:23:05,360 --> 01:23:06,960
I thought he quit.
That's crap.
1845
01:23:06,960 --> 01:23:09,240
See, Bob?
I told you we'd get him back.
1846
01:23:09,240 --> 01:23:10,760
They say they want true love,
1847
01:23:10,760 --> 01:23:13,000
but all they want
is a checklist.
1848
01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:17,040
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
1849
01:23:17,040 --> 01:23:18,600
For you men who fit
the criteria,
1850
01:23:18,600 --> 01:23:21,440
don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
1851
01:23:21,440 --> 01:23:24,240
They're sleeping with
a carefully calculated
1852
01:23:24,240 --> 01:23:26,160
set of venal choices.
1853
01:23:26,160 --> 01:23:29,160
Money over substance,
looks over soul.
1854
01:23:29,160 --> 01:23:31,080
Polish over principles.
1855
01:23:31,080 --> 01:23:33,960
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic,
1856
01:23:33,960 --> 01:23:35,440
will ever compensate
1857
01:23:35,440 --> 01:23:37,800
for a really impressive list
of credentials.
1858
01:23:37,800 --> 01:23:40,400
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture
1859
01:23:40,400 --> 01:23:41,840
other than this one.
1860
01:23:41,840 --> 01:23:43,920
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?
1861
01:23:43,920 --> 01:23:45,880
The elevator
was a moment of passion,
1862
01:23:45,880 --> 01:23:49,000
followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
1863
01:23:49,000 --> 01:23:51,640
- Panic? I came by your room.
- Yes...
1864
01:23:51,640 --> 01:23:53,480
and then you ran away.
1865
01:23:53,480 --> 01:23:55,120
That wasn't panic,
sweetheart.
1866
01:23:55,120 --> 01:23:56,960
That was
an unwillingness to compete
1867
01:23:56,960 --> 01:23:59,760
with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
1868
01:23:59,760 --> 01:24:01,040
You should be thanking me.
1869
01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:02,320
Uh, we got 10 seconds.
1870
01:24:02,320 --> 01:24:05,440
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?
1871
01:24:05,440 --> 01:24:08,200
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
1872
01:24:08,200 --> 01:24:09,960
A girl in heat for two guys
1873
01:24:09,960 --> 01:24:12,200
will always choose the one
with the better résumé.
1874
01:24:12,200 --> 01:24:13,920
That is bullsh...
1875
01:24:15,040 --> 01:24:17,840
And we're out.
1876
01:24:17,840 --> 01:24:20,720
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
1877
01:24:20,720 --> 01:24:23,880
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.
1878
01:24:23,880 --> 01:24:25,640
- Off we go.
- Where're we going?
1879
01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,360
I'm not going anywhere
with you.
1880
01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:29,440
Whoa.
1881
01:24:29,440 --> 01:24:32,400
Oh. Well, that's a shocker,
you're bailing.
1882
01:24:32,400 --> 01:24:33,720
I wouldn't recommend that.
1883
01:24:33,720 --> 01:24:36,160
Keep rolling
on the onboard camera.
1884
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:42,840
What're you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
1885
01:24:46,120 --> 01:24:48,320
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?
1886
01:24:48,320 --> 01:24:49,640
Uh-uh.
1887
01:24:49,640 --> 01:24:51,560
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
1888
01:24:51,560 --> 01:24:52,920
Nope.
1889
01:24:52,920 --> 01:24:54,920
Oh, they're gonna curse.
I know it.
1890
01:25:07,320 --> 01:25:09,920
So who
wants champagne?
1891
01:25:10,880 --> 01:25:12,840
Oh, I know.
I got a great idea.
1892
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:15,240
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me
1893
01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:18,160
how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
1894
01:25:18,160 --> 01:25:20,720
I broke up with Colin
in Los Angeles, you jackass.
1895
01:25:20,720 --> 01:25:22,880
On our left, you'll see
the High Sierras...
1896
01:25:22,880 --> 01:25:24,280
What?
1897
01:25:24,280 --> 01:25:26,080
Oh, yeah.
That's got your interest.
1898
01:25:26,080 --> 01:25:28,480
Well, if you think we're gonna
finish what we started in LA,
1899
01:25:28,480 --> 01:25:30,800
you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
1900
01:25:30,800 --> 01:25:32,960
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
1901
01:25:32,960 --> 01:25:36,160
And to our right here, you'll
see the lovely Sacramento River
1902
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,760
winding its way through
the dichromatic landscape.
1903
01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:40,920
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.
1904
01:25:40,920 --> 01:25:43,240
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse in judgment
1905
01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:45,520
when I thought you were more
than you are, but you aren't.
1906
01:25:45,520 --> 01:25:46,560
Clearly.
1907
01:25:46,560 --> 01:25:48,400
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
1908
01:25:48,400 --> 01:25:50,280
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.
1909
01:25:50,280 --> 01:25:53,520
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary".
1910
01:25:53,520 --> 01:25:56,120
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.
1911
01:25:57,480 --> 01:26:00,120
Yeah, it is scary.
It's terrifying.
1912
01:26:00,120 --> 01:26:02,800
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
1913
01:26:02,800 --> 01:26:04,080
I am not a psycho.
1914
01:26:04,080 --> 01:26:05,920
Love?
1915
01:26:05,920 --> 01:26:06,640
Oh!
1916
01:26:07,240 --> 01:26:08,600
I just told you
that I loved you,
1917
01:26:08,600 --> 01:26:10,520
and all you heard was "psycho".
1918
01:26:10,520 --> 01:26:12,200
You're the definition
of neurotic.
1919
01:26:12,200 --> 01:26:13,480
No.
The definition of neurotic
1920
01:26:13,480 --> 01:26:15,960
is a person who suffers from
anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
1921
01:26:15,960 --> 01:26:17,800
compulsive acts
and physical ailments
1922
01:26:17,800 --> 01:26:19,360
without any objective
evidence of...
1923
01:26:19,360 --> 01:26:21,000
Shut up.
1924
01:26:21,000 --> 01:26:23,240
Yet again, I just told
you I'm in love with you,
1925
01:26:23,240 --> 01:26:26,040
and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
1926
01:26:37,520 --> 01:26:39,800
You're in love with me.
1927
01:26:39,800 --> 01:26:40,760
Why?
1928
01:26:44,200 --> 01:26:46,200
Beats the shit outta me,
1929
01:26:46,200 --> 01:26:48,240
but I am.
1930
01:27:14,040 --> 01:27:15,880
Oh! Oh, Mike.
1931
01:27:17,040 --> 01:27:19,640
- You're amazing.
- Ah, I am?
1932
01:27:19,640 --> 01:27:22,160
Oh, you're a god. Oh!
1933
01:27:22,160 --> 01:27:24,280
- Really?
- Oh, God!
1934
01:27:34,160 --> 01:27:35,520
Am I really that good?
1935
01:27:35,520 --> 01:27:37,360
Or are you...?
1936
01:27:37,360 --> 01:27:39,000
Are you just faking it?
1937
01:27:41,040 --> 01:27:43,160
You'll never know.
1938
01:27:45,880 --> 01:27:49,480
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1939
01:27:49,480 --> 01:27:53,160
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1940
01:27:53,160 --> 01:27:56,840
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1941
01:27:56,840 --> 01:28:00,160
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1942
01:28:00,160 --> 01:28:02,040
¶ Walked out of the house
With my swagger ¶
1943
01:28:02,040 --> 01:28:04,040
¶ Hop in there with dough
I got places to go ¶
1944
01:28:04,040 --> 01:28:05,720
¶ People to see
Time is precious ¶
1945
01:28:05,720 --> 01:28:08,000
¶ I look at my cotty
They out of control ¶
1946
01:28:08,000 --> 01:28:09,440
¶ Just like my mind
Where I'm going ¶
1947
01:28:09,440 --> 01:28:11,360
¶ No women, no shorties
No nothin' but clothes ¶
1948
01:28:11,360 --> 01:28:13,040
¶ No stoppin' now
My Pirellis on roll ¶
1949
01:28:13,040 --> 01:28:15,160
¶ I like my jewelry
That's always on whoa ¶
1950
01:28:15,160 --> 01:28:16,760
¶ I know the storm is comin' ¶
1951
01:28:16,760 --> 01:28:18,880
¶ My pockets keep tellin' me
It's gonna shower ¶
1952
01:28:18,880 --> 01:28:20,600
¶ Call up my homies
It's on ¶
1953
01:28:20,600 --> 01:28:22,720
¶ Then pop in the next
'Cause this mix'll be ours ¶
1954
01:28:22,720 --> 01:28:24,520
¶ We keep a fade-away shot
'Cause we ballin' ¶
1955
01:28:24,520 --> 01:28:26,560
¶ It's platinum patron
That be ours, li'I mama ¶
1956
01:28:26,560 --> 01:28:28,000
¶ I owe you just
Like the flowers ¶
1957
01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:30,240
¶ Girl, you the drink with
All that goodie power ¶
1958
01:28:30,240 --> 01:28:33,840
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1959
01:28:33,840 --> 01:28:37,320
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1960
01:28:37,320 --> 01:28:41,200
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1961
01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:44,200
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1962
01:28:44,200 --> 01:28:46,280
¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶
1963
01:28:46,280 --> 01:28:48,120
¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶
1964
01:28:48,120 --> 01:28:50,240
¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶
1965
01:28:50,240 --> 01:28:51,760
¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
1966
01:28:51,760 --> 01:28:53,640
¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶
1967
01:28:53,640 --> 01:28:55,600
¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶
1968
01:28:55,600 --> 01:28:57,640
¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶
1969
01:28:57,640 --> 01:28:59,360
¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
1970
01:28:59,360 --> 01:29:01,000
¶ Hey, shorty must know
I'm the man ¶
1971
01:29:01,000 --> 01:29:03,080
¶ My money love her
Like a number-one fan ¶
1972
01:29:03,080 --> 01:29:05,360
¶ Don't look at my mouth
Let her talk to my fans ¶
1973
01:29:05,360 --> 01:29:07,760
¶ My Benjamin Franklins
A couple of grands ¶
1974
01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:10,080
¶ I got rubber bands
Paper planes makin' a dance ¶
1975
01:29:10,080 --> 01:29:11,880
¶ Get dirty all night
That's part of my thing ¶
1976
01:29:11,880 --> 01:29:13,880
¶ Keep building castles
That's made out of sand ¶
1977
01:29:13,880 --> 01:29:16,040
¶ She's amazing, fire blazing
Hotter than Cajun ¶
1978
01:29:16,040 --> 01:29:17,760
¶ Girl, won't you move
A little closer? ¶
1979
01:29:17,760 --> 01:29:19,840
¶ Time to get paid
It's maximum wage ¶
1980
01:29:19,840 --> 01:29:22,680
¶ That body belong on a poster
I'm in a daze ¶
1981
01:29:22,680 --> 01:29:25,120
¶ That bottom is wavin' at me
Like, damn it, I know you ¶
1982
01:29:25,120 --> 01:29:27,200
¶ You wanna shoot like a gun
Out of holster ¶
1983
01:29:27,200 --> 01:29:29,360
¶ Tell me whatever
And I'll be your roper ¶
1984
01:29:29,360 --> 01:29:32,800
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1985
01:29:32,800 --> 01:29:36,360
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1986
01:29:36,360 --> 01:29:40,200
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
1987
01:29:40,200 --> 01:29:43,240
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
1988
01:29:43,240 --> 01:29:45,280
¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶
1989
01:29:45,280 --> 01:29:47,120
¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶
1990
01:29:47,120 --> 01:29:49,000
¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶
1991
01:29:49,000 --> 01:29:50,720
¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
1992
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:52,720
¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶
1993
01:29:52,720 --> 01:29:54,520
¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶
1994
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:56,440
¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶
1995
01:29:56,440 --> 01:29:58,200
¶ It's goin' down, down ¶
1996
01:29:58,200 --> 01:30:00,760
¶ Yeah, I'm spending my money ¶
1997
01:30:00,760 --> 01:30:02,520
¶ I'm out of control ¶
1998
01:30:02,520 --> 01:30:03,840
¶ Somebody help me ¶
1999
01:30:03,840 --> 01:30:06,040
¶ She's taking my bank roll ¶
2000
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,800
¶ But I'm king of the club ¶
2001
01:30:07,800 --> 01:30:10,040
¶ And I'm wearin' the crown
Poppin' these bottles ¶
2002
01:30:10,040 --> 01:30:11,960
¶ Touchin' these models
Watchin' they asses ¶
2003
01:30:11,960 --> 01:30:13,800
¶ Go down, down ¶
2004
01:30:13,800 --> 01:30:17,560
¶ Down, go, go, down ¶
2005
01:30:17,560 --> 01:30:20,680
¶ Down, go, go ¶
2006
01:30:20,680 --> 01:30:24,400
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
2007
01:30:24,400 --> 01:30:27,880
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
2008
01:30:27,880 --> 01:30:31,800
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
2009
01:30:31,800 --> 01:30:35,200
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
2010
01:30:35,200 --> 01:30:39,200
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
2011
01:30:39,200 --> 01:30:42,760
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
2012
01:30:42,760 --> 01:30:46,640
¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶
2013
01:30:46,640 --> 01:30:50,320
¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶
2014
01:30:51,305 --> 01:31:51,319
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org