1
00:00:26,324 --> 00:00:29,377
<i>¶ You change your mind ¶</i>

2
00:00:29,378 --> 00:00:33,197
<i>¶ Like a girl changes clothes ¶</i>

3
00:00:33,198 --> 00:00:36,600
<i>¶ Yeah, you PMS ¶</i>

4
00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:38,520
<i>¶ Like a bitch ¶</i>

5
00:00:38,521 --> 00:00:40,605
<i>¶ I would know ¶</i>

6
00:00:42,439 --> 00:00:44,540
<i>¶ 'Cause you're hot
Then you're cold ¶</i>

7
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:46,409
<i>¶ You're yes
Then you're no ¶</i>

8
00:00:46,410 --> 00:00:48,212
<i>¶ You're in
Then you're out ¶</i>

9
00:00:48,213 --> 00:00:50,081
<i>¶ You're up
Then you're down ¶</i>

10
00:00:50,082 --> 00:00:51,849
<i>¶ You're wrong
When it's right ¶</i>

11
00:00:51,850 --> 00:00:53,651
<i>¶ It's black
And it's white ¶</i>

12
00:00:53,652 --> 00:00:55,587
<i>¶ We fight, we break up ¶</i>

13
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,472
<i>¶ We kiss, we make up ¶</i>

14
00:00:58,473 --> 00:00:59,741
Are you alert?

15
00:00:59,742 --> 00:01:02,010
Okay, well tell them...

16
00:01:02,011 --> 00:01:04,847
<i>¶ But you don't really
Want to go ¶</i>

17
00:01:04,848 --> 00:01:06,616
No.

18
00:01:06,617 --> 00:01:08,250
<i>¶ You're yes
Then you're no ¶</i>

19
00:01:08,251 --> 00:01:10,871
<i>¶ You're in
Then you're out ¶</i>

20
00:01:10,872 --> 00:01:14,107
I'll be there in about
15 minutes, so stop arguing.

21
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:16,976
Okay, thanks. Bye.

22
00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:22,500
<i>¶ We used to be ¶</i>

23
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:25,003
<i>¶ Just like twins
So in synch ¶</i>

24
00:01:25,004 --> 00:01:26,972
- Morning, Freddy.
- Morning, Abby.

25
00:01:26,973 --> 00:01:30,275
- You look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, is it that bad in there?

26
00:01:30,276 --> 00:01:32,411
- Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.

27
00:01:32,412 --> 00:01:34,547
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.

28
00:01:34,548 --> 00:01:35,781
The traffic camera is down

29
00:01:35,782 --> 00:01:38,283
and we have no B-roll
for our traffic segment.

30
00:01:38,284 --> 00:01:39,586
- That is a problem.
- Yeah.

31
00:01:39,587 --> 00:01:40,687
Call Matt at Media Lab.

32
00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:42,288
He's got some Skycams
and he owes me.

33
00:01:42,289 --> 00:01:44,192
- Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.

34
00:01:44,193 --> 00:01:45,526
- Hey.
- Hello.

35
00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:47,895
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.

36
00:01:47,896 --> 00:01:49,631
Thanks for being here. Good.

37
00:01:49,632 --> 00:01:51,666
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?

38
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,035
If they get
the forecast wrong,

39
00:01:53,036 --> 00:01:54,736
research shows people
are more willing

40
00:01:54,737 --> 00:01:55,771
to forgive a fat guy.

41
00:01:55,772 --> 00:01:57,106
Abby, I hate to do this to you,

42
00:01:57,107 --> 00:01:59,241
but I don't think that
I can work with her anymore.

43
00:01:59,242 --> 00:02:01,444
It's bad enough I have
to take her criticism at home.

44
00:02:01,445 --> 00:02:02,779
I'm not gonna
do it on the air.

45
00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:06,082
- A man can only endure so much.
- Larry, you are not a man,

46
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:07,952
you are a newsman.

47
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:10,187
And newsmen are not defined
by the easy times,

48
00:02:10,188 --> 00:02:12,490
they're defined
by the hard times.

49
00:02:12,491 --> 00:02:15,159
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw

50
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,694
working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.

51
00:02:17,695 --> 00:02:19,464
Because they
couldn't handle it.

52
00:02:19,465 --> 00:02:22,067
But you.
You, my friend,

53
00:02:22,068 --> 00:02:23,669
have balls the size
of Volkswagens.

54
00:02:23,670 --> 00:02:25,238
Don't think
I haven't noticed.

55
00:02:25,239 --> 00:02:27,273
I only thought of them
as blue of late.

56
00:02:27,274 --> 00:02:29,376
But you're right.
They're quite sizeable.

57
00:02:29,377 --> 00:02:30,811
But not disproportionately
so,

58
00:02:30,812 --> 00:02:33,079
I like to think of them
as aesthetically pleasing.

59
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,781
Yeah, I think
I made my point.

60
00:02:34,782 --> 00:02:37,184
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Josh, nobody in Sacramento

61
00:02:37,185 --> 00:02:38,852
gives a crap about
the extinction rate

62
00:02:38,853 --> 00:02:40,955
of the Brazilian slug worm.
It's not newsworthy.

63
00:02:40,956 --> 00:02:43,224
All right. But knowing which
celebutante is in rehab

64
00:02:43,225 --> 00:02:44,325
is of vital importance?

65
00:02:44,326 --> 00:02:46,094
You know, the sound
of your voice makes...

66
00:02:46,095 --> 00:02:47,596
Okay. He is trying to kill me.

67
00:02:47,597 --> 00:02:49,564
- He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.

68
00:02:49,565 --> 00:02:51,432
Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?

69
00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:54,003
Oh, my God. Does anybody
see this? Is that a hive?

70
00:02:54,004 --> 00:02:55,504
Looks like syphilis to me.

71
00:02:55,505 --> 00:02:57,857
You wouldn't know
what syphilis looks like

72
00:02:57,858 --> 00:03:00,227
if it weren't for my story
on hot celebrity STDs.

73
00:03:02,463 --> 00:03:04,782
<i>- Stand by to go to three.
- Yeah, so some...</i>

74
00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,967
<i>Cacciatore gets mushrooms,
garlic. Exactly.</i>

75
00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:09,070
- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
- All right.

76
00:03:09,071 --> 00:03:11,138
And whatever amount
of garlic you want.

77
00:03:11,139 --> 00:03:13,307
- Really?
- Can't have enough garlic.

78
00:03:13,308 --> 00:03:14,541
You can.

79
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,361
I certainly can.
Do it every night.

80
00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,946
<i>I got a nice,
big spoon for you.</i>

81
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:19,581
<i>Excellent. Thanks.</i>

82
00:03:19,582 --> 00:03:22,051
- Here you go.
- Mm.

83
00:03:22,052 --> 00:03:23,887
- Mm!
- That good?

84
00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:25,255
I have to say, Rocco,

85
00:03:25,256 --> 00:03:27,557
this is the best chicken
cacciatore I've ever tasted.

86
00:03:27,558 --> 00:03:30,677
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.

87
00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:32,813
- Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?

88
00:03:32,814 --> 00:03:35,282
And it's a great
alternative to chicken.

89
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,486
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?

90
00:03:37,487 --> 00:03:39,654
- Mm-hm.
- Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?

91
00:03:39,655 --> 00:03:41,640
Get ready to an early break.
Yeah.

92
00:03:41,641 --> 00:03:42,557
- Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.

93
00:03:42,558 --> 00:03:44,026
Man, we're a
chicken household.

94
00:03:44,027 --> 00:03:45,862
We really are.

95
00:03:45,863 --> 00:03:48,363
Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
while she pulls it together.

96
00:03:48,364 --> 00:03:49,682
<i>Or is it okay?</i>

97
00:03:49,683 --> 00:03:52,535
<i>It's good.
Javier, do you like it?</i>

98
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,136
Mm.

99
00:03:54,137 --> 00:03:56,290
Can I take home
the leftovers?

100
00:03:56,291 --> 00:03:58,257
You sure you don't want
any leftovers?

101
00:03:58,258 --> 00:04:00,345
When we return,

102
00:04:00,346 --> 00:04:02,129
<i>- our Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.</i>

103
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,065
<i>And guess who's
in rehab this week.</i>

104
00:04:04,066 --> 00:04:06,600
<i>Stand by to roll break.
Also, how you too can adopt</i>

105
00:04:06,601 --> 00:04:08,903
<i>your very own slug worm,
when we come back.</i>

106
00:04:08,904 --> 00:04:10,255
Roll your break.

107
00:04:10,256 --> 00:04:12,157
<i>How about salt?
Salt make it better?</i>

108
00:04:15,195 --> 00:04:16,695
I don't know how you do it.

109
00:04:16,696 --> 00:04:18,864
It's just a matter of looking
chaos right in the eye

110
00:04:18,865 --> 00:04:20,600
and telling it to eff off.

111
00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:22,620
You guys did great.
Thank you.

112
00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:24,905
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.

113
00:04:26,301 --> 00:04:29,269
<i>- Want some?
- Yeah, give me that.</i>

114
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,509
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?

115
00:04:35,510 --> 00:04:37,612
We got beat by all
the network shows,

116
00:04:37,613 --> 00:04:39,414
<i>including a rerun of
Who's the Boss?</i>

117
00:04:39,415 --> 00:04:41,349
The one where
the vacuum breaks.

118
00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:43,085
It's just a temporary setback,
Stuart.

119
00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:44,687
Things will be better
tomorrow.

120
00:04:44,688 --> 00:04:47,624
You know that guy
with the cable-access show

121
00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:50,160
on Channel 83 does better.

122
00:04:50,161 --> 00:04:52,529
<i>If we program
Jerry Springer reruns,</i>

123
00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:55,516
we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.

124
00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:56,516
Please don't tell me

125
00:04:56,517 --> 00:04:58,285
you're thinking
of killing the show.

126
00:04:58,286 --> 00:05:00,822
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.

127
00:05:00,823 --> 00:05:03,691
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.

128
00:05:03,692 --> 00:05:05,344
But you gotta
get me some numbers.

129
00:05:05,345 --> 00:05:08,330
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.

130
00:05:08,331 --> 00:05:10,900
I don't know how much
you know about Vidal Sassoon,

131
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:12,269
but that shit ain't cheap.

132
00:05:13,486 --> 00:05:16,223
I can rally. I will rally.

133
00:05:16,224 --> 00:05:19,109
You do rally.
Every day, Abby.

134
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,977
But that's
what worries me.

135
00:05:20,978 --> 00:05:22,897
That even you
won't be enough.

136
00:05:22,898 --> 00:05:25,617
I should not be letting
corporate management

137
00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:28,186
dictate the content
of this show. It's my show.

138
00:05:28,187 --> 00:05:31,857
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.

139
00:05:31,858 --> 00:05:33,959
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.

140
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,861
Absolutely not, Abby.

141
00:05:35,862 --> 00:05:38,497
You should be out there
observing humanity.

142
00:05:38,498 --> 00:05:40,700
Humanity is who watches
our show.

143
00:05:40,701 --> 00:05:42,535
Yeah.
All 2.47 percent of them.

144
00:05:42,536 --> 00:05:45,673
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.

145
00:05:45,674 --> 00:05:47,742
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.

146
00:05:47,743 --> 00:05:49,644
Look at this bone structure.

147
00:05:49,645 --> 00:05:52,513
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.

148
00:05:52,514 --> 00:05:54,314
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?

149
00:05:54,315 --> 00:05:56,118
You printed out his profile?

150
00:05:56,119 --> 00:05:57,753
What? These have
not been touched

151
00:05:57,754 --> 00:05:59,121
in quite some time.

152
00:05:59,122 --> 00:06:01,390
I have to live vicariously
through your dating life.

153
00:06:01,391 --> 00:06:04,360
And I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.

154
00:06:05,479 --> 00:06:06,980
- Hi.
- Hello.

155
00:06:06,981 --> 00:06:09,816
I'm looking for a guy
with sandy brown hair,

156
00:06:09,817 --> 00:06:11,984
athletic build, blue eyes.
He's 5'9".

157
00:06:11,985 --> 00:06:13,887
Which I know you're thinking
is a little short,

158
00:06:13,888 --> 00:06:15,555
<i>but he's read
The Great Gatsby twice...</i>

159
00:06:15,556 --> 00:06:17,190
Well, technically
I'm 5'8" and a half,

160
00:06:17,191 --> 00:06:19,360
<i>but I could read
The Great Gatsby</i>

161
00:06:19,361 --> 00:06:21,428
again if it makes
it any better.

162
00:06:22,932 --> 00:06:25,267
Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?

163
00:06:25,268 --> 00:06:27,035
Uh, yeah, a bottle
of flat water, please?

164
00:06:27,036 --> 00:06:28,270
- Sure.
- Thank you.

165
00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:30,038
Um, just one second.
I'm sorry.

166
00:06:30,039 --> 00:06:32,674
Did you know they've done
studies that show

167
00:06:32,675 --> 00:06:35,395
tap water and bottled water
are basically the same thing.

168
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:37,564
And they recently passed
a law where restaurants

169
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:40,099
have to filter their tap water,
so it's not really tap water,

170
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,836
it's filtered water,
which is the same

171
00:06:41,837 --> 00:06:44,038
except you don't have to pay
$7 for it. Right?

172
00:06:44,039 --> 00:06:46,390
I like the way
it tastes better anyway.

173
00:06:46,391 --> 00:06:48,910
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks,
please? Thank you.

174
00:06:48,911 --> 00:06:50,560
Oh, yeah.

175
00:06:50,561 --> 00:06:53,582
Huh. I thought, uh...

176
00:06:53,583 --> 00:06:56,118
I thought in your profile
it said you, uh...

177
00:06:56,119 --> 00:06:57,686
You like to drink red wine.

178
00:06:59,656 --> 00:07:01,808
You printed out my profile?

179
00:07:01,809 --> 00:07:03,459
Actually,
my associate producer did.

180
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:05,428
She doesn't like me
to not be prepared.

181
00:07:05,429 --> 00:07:07,997
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
Kudos, by the way,

182
00:07:07,998 --> 00:07:10,017
on your comprehensive
car insurance plan.

183
00:07:10,018 --> 00:07:11,736
That wasn't in my profile.

184
00:07:11,737 --> 00:07:14,154
No, but it's in your
background check.

185
00:07:14,155 --> 00:07:17,525
So, ahem,
tell me about yourself.

186
00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:18,893
Well, what's
left to talk about

187
00:07:18,894 --> 00:07:20,445
that you don't already know,
right?

188
00:07:20,446 --> 00:07:23,081
Ah. Good point.
Ha-ha.

189
00:07:24,251 --> 00:07:26,252
All right,
well, you know,

190
00:07:26,253 --> 00:07:29,555
I actually took the liberty
of printing out

191
00:07:29,556 --> 00:07:32,593
some talking points
in case this happened.

192
00:07:32,594 --> 00:07:34,545
I take it this
has happened before?

193
00:07:34,546 --> 00:07:36,897
No. No. But you have
nine out of 10

194
00:07:36,898 --> 00:07:39,267
of the necessary attributes
on my checklist.

195
00:07:39,268 --> 00:07:41,519
Oh, dear God. Okay.

196
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,806
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?

197
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:05,028
Don't ask.

198
00:08:15,008 --> 00:08:16,525
<i>More on this story
when we come back.</i>

199
00:08:16,526 --> 00:08:18,845
<i>We'll hear from a zoo official
now forced to take...</i>

200
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:20,847
<i>And we're back with
The Ugly Truth,</i>

201
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,631
<i>where tonight
we're gonna be talking about</i>

202
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:26,686
<i>what it is men and women
really want in relationships.</i>

203
00:08:26,687 --> 00:08:28,438
I've been looking through
some books.

204
00:08:28,439 --> 00:08:31,692
<i>Smart Women,
Foolish Choices. Ehh!</i>

205
00:08:31,693 --> 00:08:35,130
<i>Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them. Ehh!</i>

206
00:08:35,131 --> 00:08:37,649
<i>And Women Hating Men
Who Loved Women</i>

207
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:40,369
<i>Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?</i>

208
00:08:40,370 --> 00:08:45,842
<i>Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.</i>

209
00:08:45,843 --> 00:08:48,394
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once

210
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:51,598
and it is just
three little words.

211
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,002
Men are simple.

212
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,204
We cannot be trained.

213
00:08:57,205 --> 00:09:00,641
All this
"Men are from Venus" crap

214
00:09:00,642 --> 00:09:03,478
<i>is a waste of your time
and money.</i>

215
00:09:03,479 --> 00:09:06,080
<i>You wanna be a lonely hag,
then that's fine,</i>

216
00:09:06,081 --> 00:09:07,881
<i>keep reading
these stupid books.</i>

217
00:09:07,882 --> 00:09:12,238
<i>But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:</i>

218
00:09:12,239 --> 00:09:14,323
It's called a Stairmaster.

219
00:09:14,324 --> 00:09:16,675
Get on it, and get skinny,

220
00:09:17,227 --> 00:09:18,994
to do with them.

221
00:09:18,995 --> 00:09:22,164
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps,

222
00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:25,734
you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.

223
00:09:25,735 --> 00:09:27,636
And don't forget to...

224
00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:34,212
<i>Okay? Now, let's
take the first caller.</i>

225
00:09:34,213 --> 00:09:35,747
<i>How dare you burn those books.</i>

226
00:09:35,748 --> 00:09:38,065
<i>They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.</i>

227
00:09:38,066 --> 00:09:40,602
<i>What's your boyfriend's name,
princess?</i>

228
00:09:40,603 --> 00:09:42,820
<i>Well,
I'm not seeing anyone right now.</i>

229
00:09:42,821 --> 00:09:45,624
My point exactly, Shrek.
Next caller.

230
00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:47,225
<i>You're on the air.</i>

231
00:09:47,226 --> 00:09:51,264
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?

232
00:09:51,265 --> 00:09:53,783
<i>Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?</i>

233
00:09:53,784 --> 00:09:55,051
<i>What? Come on.</i>

234
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,755
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.

235
00:09:57,756 --> 00:10:00,641
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.

236
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,777
Okay, I'll bite.
Go on. Who's the guy?

237
00:10:02,778 --> 00:10:04,979
<i>- What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.</i>

238
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,781
The one who's
so capable of love.

239
00:10:06,782 --> 00:10:08,617
Who is he? What's he like?

240
00:10:08,618 --> 00:10:12,371
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.

241
00:10:12,372 --> 00:10:16,626
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.

242
00:10:18,345 --> 00:10:20,462
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.

243
00:10:20,463 --> 00:10:23,249
<i>Mm, this is a guy
in America, right?</i>

244
00:10:23,250 --> 00:10:26,086
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?

245
00:10:26,087 --> 00:10:28,272
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.

246
00:10:28,273 --> 00:10:31,226
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.

247
00:10:31,227 --> 00:10:32,961
Wait a second, I get it.

248
00:10:32,962 --> 00:10:34,012
You're a lesbian.

249
00:10:34,013 --> 00:10:35,480
<i>- What?
- Well, you must be.</i>

250
00:10:35,481 --> 00:10:37,849
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.

251
00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:40,701
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?

252
00:10:40,702 --> 00:10:43,889
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them

253
00:10:43,890 --> 00:10:45,257
and that is the real reason

254
00:10:45,258 --> 00:10:47,142
why women aren't
interested in you? Hm?

255
00:10:47,143 --> 00:10:50,080
Okay. Okay, I'll give you
100 bucks of my own money

256
00:10:50,081 --> 00:10:52,348
<i>to go get this guy
and bring him down here</i>

257
00:10:52,349 --> 00:10:54,118
<i>and let me meet him.</i>

258
00:10:54,119 --> 00:10:57,154
Well, he's out there,
somewhere.

259
00:10:57,155 --> 00:10:58,622
<i>Wait a second.</i>

260
00:10:58,623 --> 00:11:00,792
You're not even
dating this guy?

261
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:05,097
No, I'm describing a type.

262
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,883
I thought that's
what we were doing.

263
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:10,369
Ha-ha-ha! What?
You don't even know him?

264
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,872
Oh, whoa, okay,
now I get the picture.

265
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,027
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.

266
00:11:16,028 --> 00:11:16,959
What?

267
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,294
Well, you must be.

268
00:11:18,296 --> 00:11:18,876
<i>you're ugly.</i>

269
00:11:19,578 --> 00:11:20,912
I am not ugly.

270
00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,881
<i>Well, okay,</i>

271
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,298
let me help you out here.

272
00:11:24,299 --> 00:11:27,136
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone,

273
00:11:27,137 --> 00:11:29,538
<i>and stop pining away
for some fantasy guy</i>

274
00:11:29,539 --> 00:11:30,606
<i>you're never gonna get.</i>

275
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,192
<i>- How can you possibly...?
- Hey, Lassie.</i>

276
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,844
<i>The show's called
The Ugly Truth.</i>

277
00:11:34,845 --> 00:11:37,815
If you can't face it,
don't call.

278
00:11:37,816 --> 00:11:39,483
<i>That about
wraps it up for this evening.</i>

279
00:11:39,484 --> 00:11:42,919
<i>I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.</i>

280
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,821
<i>JOY:
How'd the date go?</i>

281
00:11:44,822 --> 00:11:47,842
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.

282
00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:50,045
- That is so awesome.
- Why?

283
00:11:50,046 --> 00:11:51,630
Good morning, everyone.

284
00:11:51,631 --> 00:11:52,964
Morning.

285
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:55,384
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you,

286
00:11:55,385 --> 00:11:58,804
this guy's a little rough
around the edges.

287
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,624
<i>Face it, you're ugly.</i>

288
00:12:01,625 --> 00:12:03,659
<i>I am not ugly.</i>

289
00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:06,397
<i>- Well...
- Why are we watching this?</i>

290
00:12:06,398 --> 00:12:07,881
Say hello to
our new guest commentator.

291
00:12:07,882 --> 00:12:09,750
I'm starting him off at
two segments a week,

292
00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:10,985
three minutes a pop.

293
00:12:10,986 --> 00:12:13,371
- Are you kidding me?
- Who the hell is this guy?

294
00:12:13,372 --> 00:12:15,891
- Name's Mike Chadway.
- He's an uber-moron

295
00:12:15,892 --> 00:12:17,142
misogynist who represents

296
00:12:17,143 --> 00:12:19,511
everything that is wrong
with television and society.

297
00:12:19,512 --> 00:12:21,579
I get crap every time
I suggest we do something

298
00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:23,116
even remotely fluffy.

299
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:25,133
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.

300
00:12:25,134 --> 00:12:27,937
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.

301
00:12:27,938 --> 00:12:28,922
We're objective.

302
00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:30,774
Stone Phillips interviews
terrorists.

303
00:12:30,775 --> 00:12:33,377
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for the ratings.

304
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,345
I have a whole list of ideas
to improve ratings.

305
00:12:35,346 --> 00:12:37,298
You're gonna like it.
We don't need him.

306
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:38,966
- We don't need him.
- Not at all.

307
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,552
"An intimate profile
of the mayor".

308
00:12:40,553 --> 00:12:41,669
- Yes.
- I like that.

309
00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:43,004
- I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.

310
00:12:43,005 --> 00:12:44,305
The mayor?

311
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,025
Yes. It can be edgy
and yet intriguing.

312
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:48,210
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores

313
00:12:48,211 --> 00:12:50,847
and a German shepherd
on live TV,

314
00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:52,715
no one's gonna give a shit.

315
00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:55,284
Oh, I'm sorry.

316
00:12:55,285 --> 00:12:56,854
I was eavesdropping
out in the hall.

317
00:12:58,723 --> 00:13:00,573
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?

318
00:13:00,574 --> 00:13:02,360
Oh, thanks, boss.

319
00:13:02,361 --> 00:13:04,078
You already hired him?

320
00:13:04,079 --> 00:13:07,264
Who's this
delightful creature?

321
00:13:08,384 --> 00:13:09,785
I'm your producer.

322
00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:12,203
Oh. Hey.

323
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:14,791
I like a woman on top.

324
00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:18,043
Ugh. God.

325
00:13:18,044 --> 00:13:20,263
- Nice office.
- Ha-ha! He's just kidding.

326
00:13:20,264 --> 00:13:22,113
- Oh, yeah.
- Excuse me.

327
00:13:22,114 --> 00:13:23,966
- Hey, Mike, you see your office?
- No, I didn't.

328
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:25,869
- Come on. Let me show you.
- Beautiful.

329
00:13:25,870 --> 00:13:27,738
Everybody take five.
I'll be right back.

330
00:13:27,739 --> 00:13:29,807
Were you all not there
last year...

331
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:31,208
for our
sexual-harassment meeting?

332
00:13:31,209 --> 00:13:33,545
- Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
- He needs to go.

333
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,712
He wasn't
sexually harassing me.

334
00:13:37,132 --> 00:13:38,633
I am an award-winning
news producer.

335
00:13:38,634 --> 00:13:40,485
I am an award-winning
news producer.

336
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,738
I am an award-winning
news producer.

337
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,356
I am an awa...

338
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,191
You're an award-winning
news producer.

339
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,477
You don't knock?

340
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,146
Well, I did knock.
You didn't answer.

341
00:13:49,147 --> 00:13:51,748
So essentially,
your knock was negated

342
00:13:51,749 --> 00:13:53,384
by your complete
lack of adherence

343
00:13:53,385 --> 00:13:56,720
to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.

344
00:13:57,722 --> 00:13:59,924
You're wound like a fucking top.

345
00:13:59,925 --> 00:14:03,127
Woof, woof.
Remember the bark?

346
00:14:03,128 --> 00:14:05,564
Last night, a little
phone conversation we had.

347
00:14:05,565 --> 00:14:08,967
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?

348
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,687
You're not ugly at all.

349
00:14:10,688 --> 00:14:13,088
Oh, well,
imagine my relief.

350
00:14:13,089 --> 00:14:15,257
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.

351
00:14:15,258 --> 00:14:17,593
I would never have gotten it
without you.

352
00:14:17,594 --> 00:14:20,363
You and I, we make good TV.

353
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:23,217
You make imbecilic trash
watched by housebound

354
00:14:23,218 --> 00:14:24,952
inbreds who are so busy
with their hands

355
00:14:24,953 --> 00:14:28,040
down their pants,
they can't change the remote.

356
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:31,209
I hadn't been picturing you
that way, but it's a nice image.

357
00:14:31,210 --> 00:14:32,627
I do not watch
your program.

358
00:14:32,628 --> 00:14:35,013
My cat stepped
on the remote.

359
00:14:36,249 --> 00:14:38,334
Oh, you want to thank
your pussy for me, then?

360
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,485
Ugh!

361
00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:45,358
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.

362
00:14:45,359 --> 00:14:47,360
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.

363
00:14:47,361 --> 00:14:49,430
I want Mike Chadway to be
nothing but a pile of ash

364
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:50,731
on the seat next to you.

365
00:14:50,732 --> 00:14:52,966
I want the janitor to come in
and vacuum up the ashes

366
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,701
of Mike Chadway
with his Dustbuster

367
00:14:54,702 --> 00:14:56,771
and when he dumps it
in the Dumpster outside,

368
00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:58,372
I want the rats to vomit
and defecate

369
00:14:58,373 --> 00:15:00,441
on the ashes of Mike Chadway.

370
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:04,913
Wow. And I thought
you were angry and bitter.

371
00:15:04,914 --> 00:15:08,752
Uh, no, Larry, that would be
my untouched vagina.

372
00:15:08,753 --> 00:15:10,119
- Chadway?
- What?

373
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,987
Twenty seconds to air.

374
00:15:11,988 --> 00:15:13,890
About ready? Larry?

375
00:15:13,891 --> 00:15:15,558
There's a bird
in my dressing room.

376
00:15:15,559 --> 00:15:16,726
I'll take care of it.

377
00:15:16,727 --> 00:15:18,862
- A real bird?
- Yeah. It's flying around.

378
00:15:18,863 --> 00:15:20,564
Why is there a bird
in his dressing room?

379
00:15:20,565 --> 00:15:22,266
I don't know
what type of bird it is.

380
00:15:22,267 --> 00:15:23,317
Security here is awful.

381
00:15:23,318 --> 00:15:25,520
You guys have really got
to keep the doors closed.

382
00:15:25,521 --> 00:15:26,872
Four, three...

383
00:15:28,339 --> 00:15:30,241
Good morning, everyone,
I'm Larry Freeman.

384
00:15:30,242 --> 00:15:31,976
Another beautiful day
in Sacramento.

385
00:15:31,977 --> 00:15:33,796
<i>And I'm sitting here
with a beautiful woman.</i>

386
00:15:33,797 --> 00:15:35,615
- Go, 1.
- All right, here we go.

387
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,900
<i>Thank you, Larry.</i>

388
00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:39,001
<i>Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.</i>

389
00:15:39,002 --> 00:15:40,788
Ready for the single on Georgia.

390
00:15:40,789 --> 00:15:42,272
For years,
there have been concerns

391
00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:44,441
about lowering
television standards.

392
00:15:44,442 --> 00:15:46,010
But many believe that this man

393
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,346
and his local
public-access show

394
00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:50,097
have brought things
to a new low.

395
00:15:50,098 --> 00:15:52,968
<i>With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.</i>

396
00:15:52,969 --> 00:15:55,303
How you doing, guys?

397
00:15:55,304 --> 00:15:56,688
Mike, how do you respond
to people

398
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,141
who say your show is offensive?

399
00:15:58,142 --> 00:16:00,977
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.

400
00:16:00,978 --> 00:16:04,731
Ha. The truth about what,
Mr. Chadway?

401
00:16:04,732 --> 00:16:07,200
What relationships
are really like.

402
00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:08,818
Take marriage, for instance.

403
00:16:08,819 --> 00:16:11,938
It's about social pressure,

404
00:16:11,939 --> 00:16:14,876
status and sex.

405
00:16:14,877 --> 00:16:16,544
If it weren't for these
three things,

406
00:16:16,545 --> 00:16:18,246
men and women
wouldn't even speak.

407
00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:21,466
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you,

408
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:24,119
and you're taking that out
on the female population.

409
00:16:26,405 --> 00:16:27,806
<i>Good one.
It's like Crossfire.</i>

410
00:16:27,807 --> 00:16:29,725
That was a good one.

411
00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,928
<i>While we're making
these observations, Georgia,</i>

412
00:16:31,929 --> 00:16:34,747
you two project this image
of the perfect couple,

413
00:16:34,748 --> 00:16:36,149
when clearly it's a lie.

414
00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:38,820
Excuse me?

415
00:16:38,821 --> 00:16:41,522
Holy shit.
Oh. Break for commercial.

416
00:16:41,523 --> 00:16:42,556
No, no, no.

417
00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:44,725
Stuart said keep rolling
no matter what.

418
00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:46,527
What? When? This is my show.

419
00:16:46,528 --> 00:16:50,082
BOTH:
Not right now, it isn't.

420
00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:52,201
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.

421
00:16:52,202 --> 00:16:55,505
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.

422
00:16:55,506 --> 00:16:57,139
What the hell
happened to you?

423
00:16:57,140 --> 00:17:01,077
And you, Georgia. I mean,
this one's no dumb bunny.

424
00:17:01,078 --> 00:17:03,680
She knew the only way she was
getting off the weekend shift

425
00:17:03,681 --> 00:17:05,549
was by hooking up
with you.

426
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:08,686
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.

427
00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:10,137
<i>Ended up with twice
your salary.</i>

428
00:17:10,138 --> 00:17:11,872
Come on, Larry, take him down.

429
00:17:11,873 --> 00:17:13,274
Shh!

430
00:17:13,275 --> 00:17:16,561
Hold on, pal. I am very proud
of my wife's success.

431
00:17:16,562 --> 00:17:19,398
<i>Mm, baloney, you are.
You hate her success.</i>

432
00:17:19,399 --> 00:17:21,100
You feel emasculated by her.

433
00:17:21,101 --> 00:17:23,368
And that screws with your head.

434
00:17:24,537 --> 00:17:26,839
<i>Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.</i>

435
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,526
<i>What's your point, Mr. Chadway?</i>

436
00:17:29,527 --> 00:17:32,663
<i>- Yes, Georgia, take control.
- My point, Georgia...</i>

437
00:17:32,664 --> 00:17:35,366
My point is
that your husband

438
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:37,802
hasn't had
sex with you in...

439
00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:40,588
I'm gonna say,
what, three months?

440
00:17:40,589 --> 00:17:43,124
- Chadway, that is not my fault.
- I know.

441
00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:46,395
- I mean, come on.
- I know, I know. It's her fault.

442
00:17:46,396 --> 00:17:49,515
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?

443
00:17:49,516 --> 00:17:51,318
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?

444
00:17:51,319 --> 00:17:52,902
She said "erection"
on network TV.

445
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,504
The other networks do it.
No big deal.

446
00:17:54,505 --> 00:17:56,407
- They're talking about erections.
- Be quiet!

447
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,225
<i>They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.</i>

448
00:17:58,226 --> 00:17:59,759
- I agree.
- Thank you.

449
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,330
You've economically
emasculated your husband

450
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,633
to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.

451
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:07,268
- Ugh.
- I mean, sure,

452
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:08,970
you could dump his ass, but,
honey,

453
00:18:08,971 --> 00:18:13,510
have you seen the eligible men
in Sacramento? Oh, God.

454
00:18:13,511 --> 00:18:16,095
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.

455
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,764
Forties?

456
00:18:17,765 --> 00:18:19,098
Oh, God.

457
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,050
Hold that shot
with Georgia and Mike.

458
00:18:21,051 --> 00:18:22,635
He just talked about her age.

459
00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:24,387
- She's gonna kill me.
- Well.

460
00:18:24,388 --> 00:18:25,873
Forty?

461
00:18:25,874 --> 00:18:28,408
I mean, you ain't gonna do
any better than Larry.

462
00:18:28,409 --> 00:18:31,746
- You just have to let him be a man.
- Hm?

463
00:18:31,747 --> 00:18:33,648
- Let him be a man, Georgia.
- I let him be a man.

464
00:18:33,649 --> 00:18:34,715
You have to let me be a man.

465
00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:36,185
I have tried to let you
be a man.

466
00:18:36,186 --> 00:18:38,452
- Let him be a man.
- You have to let me be a man.

467
00:18:38,453 --> 00:18:41,540
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.

468
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:42,475
Oh, God.

469
00:18:42,476 --> 00:18:44,744
Ready for a three-shot.
Zoom In.

470
00:18:44,745 --> 00:18:46,528
- I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.

471
00:18:46,529 --> 00:18:48,798
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.

472
00:18:48,799 --> 00:18:49,716
Oh, God.

473
00:18:49,717 --> 00:18:51,184
This is ridiculous.
McFlaccid?

474
00:18:51,185 --> 00:18:53,788
- That mean what I think it means?
- Yes, it does. Kiss her.

475
00:18:53,789 --> 00:18:55,390
No, no, no.
They're not gonna...

476
00:18:55,391 --> 00:18:56,757
Give it to her,
right in front of me.

477
00:18:56,758 --> 00:18:58,591
- And in front of them.
- Let me...

478
00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:01,596
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man!

479
00:19:01,597 --> 00:19:04,817
- No!
- Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.

480
00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:06,485
America doesn't wanna see this!

481
00:19:06,486 --> 00:19:10,190
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.

482
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,525
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll...

483
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:15,662
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.

484
00:19:15,663 --> 00:19:17,297
Cut to commercial!

485
00:19:17,298 --> 00:19:18,865
Cut to commercial!

486
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,750
That was great!
Wasn't that great?

487
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:22,620
I told you
that guy was great.

488
00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:24,922
Good job,
everybody. Wow!

489
00:19:26,174 --> 00:19:28,076
Abby?

490
00:19:30,129 --> 00:19:31,897
Found her.

491
00:19:31,898 --> 00:19:34,633
1,143 calls,

492
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:37,886
over 300 e-mails, 53 percent
of them were women.

493
00:19:37,887 --> 00:19:40,923
This guy's
a lightning rod.

494
00:19:40,924 --> 00:19:42,442
They liked him?

495
00:19:42,443 --> 00:19:44,278
Liked him?
They loved him.

496
00:19:44,279 --> 00:19:46,063
93 percent positive.

497
00:19:46,064 --> 00:19:48,198
- How is that possible?
- I don't know.

498
00:19:48,199 --> 00:19:50,201
But I am
scaling back the news

499
00:19:50,202 --> 00:19:51,820
<i>and giving it
to The Ugly Truth.</i>

500
00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:53,937
Stuart, I really think
this is a mistake.

501
00:19:53,938 --> 00:19:55,839
What do we even
know about this guy?

502
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,675
Who is he, really?

503
00:19:57,676 --> 00:19:58,810
Moved here when he was 10,

504
00:19:58,811 --> 00:20:01,297
pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships.

505
00:20:01,298 --> 00:20:02,465
Cute.

506
00:20:02,466 --> 00:20:03,949
Voted "Most Likely
to Get Slapped"

507
00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:06,419
in his senior yearbook.
Three years at San José State.

508
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:08,988
Salesman of the Year at
Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.

509
00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:11,041
Once arrested for urinating
out of a moving vehicle.

510
00:20:11,042 --> 00:20:12,909
That is actually
incredibly challenging.

511
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:13,910
Tell me about it.

512
00:20:13,911 --> 00:20:15,846
Never been married,
hates asparagus.

513
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,132
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face,

514
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,352
and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.

515
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:25,607
Congratulations?

516
00:20:40,390 --> 00:20:42,409
<i>Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.</i>

517
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:44,778
<i>I'm having a party on Saturday
and you know what happens</i>

518
00:20:44,779 --> 00:20:47,348
<i>when I drink tequila.
Ha-ha-ha.</i>

519
00:20:50,702 --> 00:20:56,475
<i>It's me, Nikki.
Why haven't you called me? I miss you.</i>

520
00:20:56,476 --> 00:20:58,277
<i>- I can't stop...
- Hey.</i>

521
00:20:58,278 --> 00:20:59,779
<i>thinking about your huge...</i>

522
00:21:00,864 --> 00:21:03,317
<i>Who's that?
Rubbing all over my...</i>

523
00:21:04,903 --> 00:21:06,903
<i>- Dripping wet...
- How was...?</i>

524
00:21:08,204 --> 00:21:10,140
How was school?

525
00:21:11,292 --> 00:21:14,161
- Well, you totally hosed me.
- What?

526
00:21:14,162 --> 00:21:15,863
Last week on your show,
you said,

527
00:21:15,864 --> 00:21:17,398
"Always be mean to hot girls

528
00:21:17,399 --> 00:21:20,802
because they'll want you more".
Well, I tried it on Shauna.

529
00:21:20,803 --> 00:21:23,272
She cried,
and then I got detention.

530
00:21:23,273 --> 00:21:26,560
First of all, don't listen
to what I say on my show.

531
00:21:26,561 --> 00:21:30,612
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls

532
00:21:30,613 --> 00:21:33,483
who think they're hot and
can get any guy they want,

533
00:21:33,484 --> 00:21:35,835
not 14-year-old girls.

534
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,488
They're going through puberty.

535
00:21:37,489 --> 00:21:39,957
They got enough problems.

536
00:21:39,958 --> 00:21:41,525
Mom said when she was 14,

537
00:21:41,526 --> 00:21:44,279
she was the prettiest girl
in class.

538
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,664
Well, I was there when
she was 14,

539
00:21:45,665 --> 00:21:47,565
and let me tell you something.
She lied.

540
00:21:47,566 --> 00:21:49,334
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.

541
00:21:49,335 --> 00:21:52,838
He was blind from touching
himself inappropriately.

542
00:21:52,839 --> 00:21:55,458
Ha. That's a nice thing
to tell your son.

543
00:21:55,459 --> 00:21:58,328
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.

544
00:21:58,329 --> 00:22:01,599
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.

545
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,867
Congrats.

546
00:22:18,451 --> 00:22:22,038
Oh!
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't!

547
00:22:22,039 --> 00:22:24,791
No, D'Artagnan, you get
back here. Get back here.

548
00:22:24,792 --> 00:22:27,126
No, do not... No, no, no.

549
00:22:29,797 --> 00:22:32,800
D'Artagnan.

550
00:22:32,801 --> 00:22:34,919
D'Artagnan!

551
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,720
Shit!

552
00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:39,791
All right.

553
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,960
I'll just come up.

554
00:22:43,429 --> 00:22:46,982
I'm really not that flexible,
D'Artagnan. I'm coming.

555
00:22:46,983 --> 00:22:49,017
I got you, hold on.

556
00:22:49,018 --> 00:22:51,287
Hold on. Come here, baby.

557
00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:54,024
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.

558
00:22:54,025 --> 00:22:57,260
Good boy.
Oh, good boy. Okay.

559
00:22:57,261 --> 00:22:59,864
Okay. You're gonna be okay.

560
00:22:59,865 --> 00:23:01,931
Oh. I hope we can get down.

561
00:23:09,676 --> 00:23:11,025
Oh, my.

562
00:23:16,216 --> 00:23:18,518
Oh, my.

563
00:23:18,519 --> 00:23:20,803
My, my.

564
00:23:22,622 --> 00:23:24,858
Ooh.

565
00:23:24,859 --> 00:23:27,577
He flosses.

566
00:23:33,236 --> 00:23:35,620
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

567
00:23:35,621 --> 00:23:38,124
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!

568
00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:39,957
I'm stuck in a tree!

569
00:23:39,958 --> 00:23:42,795
Help me! Anybody!

570
00:23:42,796 --> 00:23:45,248
- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
- Stay, stay calm.

571
00:23:45,249 --> 00:23:48,318
- You're gonna be fine.
- Get me down! Get me down!

572
00:23:49,787 --> 00:23:52,756
Sorry. Oh, my God.

573
00:23:52,757 --> 00:23:55,009
So you just moved in.
That's great.

574
00:23:55,010 --> 00:23:56,677
I'm Abby, by the way.

575
00:23:56,678 --> 00:23:58,930
Your neighbor
from across the way.

576
00:23:58,931 --> 00:24:01,582
So you're a doctor? Wow.

577
00:24:01,583 --> 00:24:03,034
An orthopedic surgeon.

578
00:24:03,035 --> 00:24:04,753
Yeah, I do a lotta
leg and hip stuff,

579
00:24:04,754 --> 00:24:06,922
but I do get
the occasional foot.

580
00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:08,657
Your ankle seems to be fine.

581
00:24:08,658 --> 00:24:10,360
Just a mild sprain,
so this should help.

582
00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:11,828
Great. Thank you.

583
00:24:11,829 --> 00:24:13,996
I guess I'm pretty lucky
my cat chose the tree

584
00:24:13,997 --> 00:24:15,332
outside your window to climb.

585
00:24:17,217 --> 00:24:18,885
Well, I'm here
whenever you need me.

586
00:24:18,886 --> 00:24:20,520
Look, I'm gonna put
my home number

587
00:24:20,521 --> 00:24:21,955
on the back
of my business card.

588
00:24:21,956 --> 00:24:24,057
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems,

589
00:24:24,058 --> 00:24:25,593
just give me a call.

590
00:24:25,594 --> 00:24:28,714
Great. Thanks.

591
00:24:30,066 --> 00:24:33,186
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.

592
00:24:33,187 --> 00:24:35,971
Well, you know,
dogs are great, but, uh...

593
00:24:35,972 --> 00:24:37,973
I'm a cat person.

594
00:24:39,909 --> 00:24:42,210
Yeah.

595
00:24:44,199 --> 00:24:47,651
Well, I guess
I'll get going, then.

596
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,486
Yeah.

597
00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:50,955
Yeah.

598
00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,258
Yeah. Ha-ha.

599
00:24:57,780 --> 00:25:00,214
- Thanks again for saving my life.
- Anytime.

600
00:25:00,215 --> 00:25:03,184
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.

601
00:25:07,124 --> 00:25:09,343
- You forgot your cat.
- Right.

602
00:25:09,344 --> 00:25:10,810
I had a spider on me. Ugh.

603
00:25:10,811 --> 00:25:12,647
- Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.

604
00:25:12,648 --> 00:25:13,930
- All right, okay.
- Bye.

605
00:25:13,931 --> 00:25:16,382
- Thanks again.
- Good night.

606
00:25:18,187 --> 00:25:21,105
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.

607
00:25:21,106 --> 00:25:22,774
- Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.

608
00:25:22,775 --> 00:25:24,143
- Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.

609
00:25:24,144 --> 00:25:25,244
Well, how did you leave it?

610
00:25:25,245 --> 00:25:26,711
I mean, did he ask
for your number?

611
00:25:26,712 --> 00:25:27,780
No, but he gave me his.

612
00:25:27,781 --> 00:25:29,381
So what do I do?
Should I call him?

613
00:25:29,382 --> 00:25:31,050
If I call do call him,
what should I say?

614
00:25:31,051 --> 00:25:32,484
- Okay. Take a breath.
- Uh-huh.

615
00:25:32,485 --> 00:25:33,952
And please, sweetheart,

616
00:25:33,953 --> 00:25:35,388
- No tap water.
- No tap water.

617
00:25:35,389 --> 00:25:37,173
Don't bring it up.

618
00:25:37,174 --> 00:25:38,491
You've got naughty eyes.

619
00:25:38,492 --> 00:25:41,028
- Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.

620
00:25:41,029 --> 00:25:42,162
Hold that thought.

621
00:25:42,163 --> 00:25:44,715
No, hey,
you won't get in trouble.

622
00:25:44,716 --> 00:25:46,650
Down a bit. Down a bit.

623
00:25:47,569 --> 00:25:49,620
Okay.

624
00:25:50,490 --> 00:25:52,122
Bye, Karen.

625
00:25:54,243 --> 00:25:56,794
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.

626
00:25:56,795 --> 00:25:58,631
You are on a live
affiliate news program.

627
00:25:58,632 --> 00:26:00,533
You do not have the luxury
of using the words

628
00:26:00,534 --> 00:26:02,301
"blow" and "job"
in the same sentence.

629
00:26:02,302 --> 00:26:04,154
If you say anything
scatological,

630
00:26:04,155 --> 00:26:05,839
you will be fired.

631
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,107
- Oh, really?
- Yes.

632
00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:09,477
Because I kind of thought
that you were the one

633
00:26:09,478 --> 00:26:12,162
that was gonna get fired
if you don't keep me happy.

634
00:26:12,163 --> 00:26:16,134
Yes. I've got a list of demands
that I would like to make

635
00:26:16,135 --> 00:26:18,519
after the show,
and let me just warn you,

636
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,155
they're gonna be
scatological.

637
00:26:23,609 --> 00:26:25,477
Ow. Ah.

638
00:26:25,478 --> 00:26:28,098
You know, just because
you look pretty today,

639
00:26:28,099 --> 00:26:31,350
I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.

640
00:26:31,351 --> 00:26:33,103
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.

641
00:26:33,104 --> 00:26:34,971
Heh-heh.
Promise you'll talk dirty?

642
00:26:36,741 --> 00:26:39,026
<i>Good morning,
Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.</i>

643
00:26:39,027 --> 00:26:40,561
<i>And I'm Georgia Bordeney.</i>

644
00:26:40,562 --> 00:26:41,896
<i>And I'm Mike Chadway.</i>

645
00:26:41,897 --> 00:26:43,915
<i>And this is The Ugly Truth.</i>

646
00:26:43,916 --> 00:26:46,601
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day

647
00:26:46,602 --> 00:26:51,139
to talk about men, women
and relationships.

648
00:26:51,140 --> 00:26:53,041
Let's start with men.

649
00:26:53,042 --> 00:26:54,677
Men are simple.

650
00:26:54,678 --> 00:26:56,379
To illustrate my point,

651
00:26:56,380 --> 00:26:58,931
here we have
a classic romantic setting.

652
00:26:58,932 --> 00:27:03,604
We have, uh, candlelight,
champagne, and even

653
00:27:03,605 --> 00:27:05,807
<i>your own personal violinist.</i>

654
00:27:05,808 --> 00:27:07,675
<i>Now,</i>

655
00:27:07,676 --> 00:27:10,277
<i>over here, we have something
quite different.</i>

656
00:27:10,278 --> 00:27:13,047
<i>This isn't on my list.
Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.</i>

657
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:14,983
Is the segment over?

658
00:27:14,984 --> 00:27:17,085
Where the hell's he going?

659
00:27:17,086 --> 00:27:19,455
- Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote.

660
00:27:19,456 --> 00:27:20,957
Go with him, Remote 1.

661
00:27:20,958 --> 00:27:25,245
Hey.
Babes wrestling in Jell-O.

662
00:27:25,246 --> 00:27:28,346
- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?

663
00:27:28,347 --> 00:27:30,216
There's people calling

664
00:27:30,217 --> 00:27:32,002
- and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.

665
00:27:32,003 --> 00:27:34,172
- Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.

666
00:27:34,173 --> 00:27:35,706
Let's take a quick survey

667
00:27:35,707 --> 00:27:37,976
and see which option
the men out there would pick.

668
00:27:37,977 --> 00:27:40,479
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner,

669
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:46,035
or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.

670
00:27:46,036 --> 00:27:47,336
Aah!

671
00:27:49,322 --> 00:27:50,940
Oh, shit.

672
00:27:50,941 --> 00:27:53,008
All right.

673
00:27:53,009 --> 00:27:56,212
If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.

674
00:27:56,213 --> 00:27:59,250
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.

675
00:27:59,251 --> 00:28:01,952
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.

676
00:28:02,838 --> 00:28:05,039
<i>Lick the Jell-O off her finger.</i>

677
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,507
Just do it.

678
00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:19,807
<i>I was wrong. It's cherry.</i>

679
00:28:19,808 --> 00:28:22,908
<i>Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.</i>

680
00:28:22,909 --> 00:28:24,710
<i>Uh...</i>

681
00:28:24,711 --> 00:28:26,680
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium

682
00:28:26,681 --> 00:28:28,649
and see how
Penny the Porpoise is doing.

683
00:28:28,650 --> 00:28:30,416
Can she
clear that 10-foot pole

684
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:33,487
with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.

685
00:28:33,488 --> 00:28:35,322
When we come back.

686
00:28:40,230 --> 00:28:44,033
Chemistry.
I smell threesome.

687
00:28:44,034 --> 00:28:46,068
Ah.

688
00:28:46,069 --> 00:28:49,172
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.

689
00:28:49,173 --> 00:28:50,557
You know what I mean.

690
00:28:53,662 --> 00:28:55,563
Huh?
Do you realize that

691
00:28:55,564 --> 00:28:58,116
I once had the Archbishop
Desmond Tutu on this show?

692
00:28:58,117 --> 00:28:59,434
Who's that?

693
00:28:59,435 --> 00:29:01,502
I can't even demonstrate
how far I've fallen

694
00:29:01,503 --> 00:29:03,955
because you're not smart enough
to get the references.

695
00:29:03,956 --> 00:29:06,658
Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.

696
00:29:06,659 --> 00:29:08,660
You were the one that
told me to lick the Jell-O.

697
00:29:08,661 --> 00:29:10,997
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?

698
00:29:10,998 --> 00:29:12,365
It was cheap titillation.

699
00:29:12,366 --> 00:29:14,216
I am now going
to broadcasting hell

700
00:29:14,217 --> 00:29:17,520
right behind the naked
weather girl from Canada.

701
00:29:18,506 --> 00:29:20,173
Seriously?

702
00:29:20,174 --> 00:29:22,475
There's a
naked weather girl?

703
00:29:22,476 --> 00:29:24,011
Hey, can we get her?

704
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:26,797
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.

705
00:29:26,798 --> 00:29:28,633
<i>Think of my son.</i>

706
00:29:28,634 --> 00:29:31,169
<i>My son, who had a dream
of being a cosmetician.</i>

707
00:29:31,170 --> 00:29:33,872
<i>Think about him.
Think about Joy.</i>

708
00:29:33,873 --> 00:29:35,508
<i>Just do it for me.</i>

709
00:29:35,509 --> 00:29:37,875
Today it'll be partly sunny
with a cloud cover moving in

710
00:29:37,876 --> 00:29:40,012
from my left breast.

711
00:29:40,013 --> 00:29:42,481
Low pressure systems
are moving up,

712
00:29:42,482 --> 00:29:43,849
so expect a cold front.

713
00:29:48,539 --> 00:29:51,826
<i>Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A.M.,</i>

714
00:29:51,827 --> 00:29:54,663
<i>giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day</i>

715
00:29:54,664 --> 00:29:56,314
<i>at 9:00, right here
on Channel 2.</i>

716
00:29:56,315 --> 00:29:58,249
Oh, God.

717
00:30:02,806 --> 00:30:04,623
I used
to really like caviar,

718
00:30:04,624 --> 00:30:06,525
until I found out it was
made out of fish eggs.

719
00:30:06,526 --> 00:30:08,345
- Did you know that?
- Caviar's revolting.

720
00:30:08,346 --> 00:30:10,630
- I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.

721
00:30:10,631 --> 00:30:12,800
- John.
- Yesterday's ratings.

722
00:30:12,801 --> 00:30:14,901
Oh. Thanks, John.

723
00:30:17,872 --> 00:30:20,041
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?

724
00:30:20,042 --> 00:30:23,577
Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.

725
00:30:23,578 --> 00:30:26,115
I feel dirty.

726
00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:27,883
Did you hear about
the ratings?

727
00:30:27,884 --> 00:30:29,886
Yes,
I am the producer.

728
00:30:29,887 --> 00:30:32,388
Well, then did you hear that
corporate's coming next week

729
00:30:32,389 --> 00:30:33,890
to take me out to dinner?

730
00:30:33,891 --> 00:30:36,493
Oh. Well, let's hope you can
chew with your mouth closed.

731
00:30:37,928 --> 00:30:39,262
Why do you hate my guts?

732
00:30:39,263 --> 00:30:41,549
Your innards are of
no consequence to me.

733
00:30:41,550 --> 00:30:42,766
It's what you represent.

734
00:30:42,767 --> 00:30:44,401
- Oh, you hate the truth.
- Ha.

735
00:30:44,402 --> 00:30:46,703
Your skewed perception
of male-female interaction

736
00:30:46,704 --> 00:30:48,273
is not the truth.

737
00:30:48,274 --> 00:30:51,125
But your imaginary
boyfriend's the truth?

738
00:30:51,126 --> 00:30:54,479
For your information,
I happened to meet him.

739
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,163
Mm. Well, I hope
he's real this time,

740
00:30:56,164 --> 00:30:57,832
because otherwise
this is just sad.

741
00:30:57,833 --> 00:31:00,168
Oh, he's real.
He's very real.

742
00:31:00,169 --> 00:31:03,639
Not to mention stunningly
handsome, morally sound.

743
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,326
He's a surgeon.
An orthopedic surgeon.

744
00:31:06,327 --> 00:31:08,162
- You know what that means.
- What?

745
00:31:08,163 --> 00:31:10,882
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt

746
00:31:10,883 --> 00:31:12,016
in medical school.

747
00:31:12,017 --> 00:31:13,883
You disgust me.

748
00:31:16,589 --> 00:31:19,491
So did Butt Boy ask you out?

749
00:31:19,492 --> 00:31:21,460
Not yet.

750
00:31:21,461 --> 00:31:23,128
We're taking things slow,

751
00:31:23,129 --> 00:31:24,730
getting to know
each other first.

752
00:31:24,731 --> 00:31:26,331
Why am I
talking to you about this?

753
00:31:26,332 --> 00:31:29,602
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.

754
00:31:35,676 --> 00:31:37,643
What are you doing?

755
00:31:41,049 --> 00:31:42,966
<i>Doctor's office.</i>

756
00:31:42,967 --> 00:31:45,404
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.

757
00:31:45,405 --> 00:31:46,704
<i>Please hold.
Yes, I'll hold.</i>

758
00:31:46,705 --> 00:31:47,772
- What're you doing?
- Shh!

759
00:31:47,773 --> 00:31:49,459
- Why are you calling this guy?
- Shh.

760
00:31:49,460 --> 00:31:50,642
- Shh.
- No.

761
00:31:50,643 --> 00:31:53,411
<i>- Dr. Anderson.
- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.</i>

762
00:31:53,412 --> 00:31:56,081
Your neighbor
from last night.

763
00:31:57,351 --> 00:31:59,803
Hey. Everything okay?

764
00:31:59,804 --> 00:32:02,372
<i>How's the, uh,
ankle treating you?</i>

765
00:32:02,373 --> 00:32:04,575
Couldn't be better.

766
00:32:04,576 --> 00:32:06,744
I was just calling
to let you know

767
00:32:06,745 --> 00:32:09,612
how much I enjoyed
meeting you last night.

768
00:32:10,665 --> 00:32:12,467
Thanks.

769
00:32:13,903 --> 00:32:15,303
<i>Uh,
and I was thinking we should</i>

770
00:32:15,304 --> 00:32:16,470
<i>go out for dinner sometime.</i>

771
00:32:16,471 --> 00:32:17,657
Oh.

772
00:32:17,658 --> 00:32:20,376
There is a new
French bistro in town

773
00:32:20,377 --> 00:32:22,344
and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.

774
00:32:23,847 --> 00:32:27,000
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.

775
00:32:27,001 --> 00:32:30,420
Um, Friday.
Oh. Wow.

776
00:32:30,421 --> 00:32:33,340
<i>Would Saturday be better?
Actually,</i>

777
00:32:33,341 --> 00:32:37,912
Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.

778
00:32:39,765 --> 00:32:40,782
What the hell
are you doing?

779
00:32:40,783 --> 00:32:42,601
I'm saving you.
He was blowing you off.

780
00:32:42,602 --> 00:32:44,119
He wasn't blowing me off!

781
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,889
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.

782
00:32:46,890 --> 00:32:48,957
And when you don't,
he'll call back.

783
00:32:48,958 --> 00:32:51,845
How do you know?
Because I know how men operate.

784
00:32:51,846 --> 00:32:54,163
If you want it to
work out with this guy,

785
00:32:54,164 --> 00:32:56,533
then you'll listen to me,
and you'll do exactly as I say.

786
00:32:56,534 --> 00:32:58,736
You've probably already done
irreparable damage

787
00:32:58,737 --> 00:33:01,572
with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.

788
00:33:01,573 --> 00:33:03,008
It might even be too late.

789
00:33:03,009 --> 00:33:04,576
And if you do salvage
the situation,

790
00:33:04,577 --> 00:33:06,510
you'll never be more than Abby,

791
00:33:06,511 --> 00:33:08,211
his desperate neighbor.

792
00:33:08,212 --> 00:33:10,465
I'm not desperate.

793
00:33:10,466 --> 00:33:12,885
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?

794
00:33:12,886 --> 00:33:14,654
Listen to you.

795
00:33:14,655 --> 00:33:17,223
Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.

796
00:33:19,493 --> 00:33:21,511
- Ah! Oh!
- Okay.

797
00:33:21,512 --> 00:33:23,680
Although you won't admit it,

798
00:33:23,681 --> 00:33:26,367
you know that I know
what I'm talking about.

799
00:33:26,368 --> 00:33:29,352
It's your call, dude.

800
00:33:29,353 --> 00:33:31,206
Fine. What do I do?

801
00:33:31,207 --> 00:33:32,857
Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug".

802
00:33:32,858 --> 00:33:35,510
- Why would I...?
- Just do it.

803
00:33:35,511 --> 00:33:37,129
Hey, Doug.

804
00:33:37,130 --> 00:33:39,916
Uh, no.
This is Colin.

805
00:33:39,917 --> 00:33:42,368
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.

806
00:33:42,369 --> 00:33:43,753
That's perfect.

807
00:33:43,754 --> 00:33:46,255
Uh, who's,
uh, Doug?

808
00:33:46,256 --> 00:33:47,990
Who's Doug?

809
00:33:47,991 --> 00:33:50,594
He's just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.

810
00:33:50,595 --> 00:33:53,848
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.

811
00:33:53,849 --> 00:33:57,235
Oh, okay.

812
00:33:57,236 --> 00:33:59,003
- Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.

813
00:33:59,004 --> 00:34:00,355
Sure.

814
00:34:01,608 --> 00:34:02,973
Now what?

815
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:04,075
Now just make him wait.

816
00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:06,044
If he's still holding
after 30 more seconds,

817
00:34:06,045 --> 00:34:07,479
you may
actually have a chance.

818
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,080
No one's gonna wait
for somebody

819
00:34:09,081 --> 00:34:10,282
they're trying to blow off.

820
00:34:10,283 --> 00:34:12,035
You better
be right about this.

821
00:34:12,036 --> 00:34:13,135
Just give me a little time,

822
00:34:13,136 --> 00:34:14,704
I'm gonna make this guy
your bitch.

823
00:34:14,705 --> 00:34:16,907
I don't want a bitch.
Colin would never be a bitch.

824
00:34:16,908 --> 00:34:19,042
He is a well-rounded man

825
00:34:19,043 --> 00:34:22,846
capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.

826
00:34:22,847 --> 00:34:25,049
Things which
you know not of.

827
00:34:25,050 --> 00:34:27,401
Maybe not.
But I do know about lust,

828
00:34:27,402 --> 00:34:28,703
seduction and manipulation.

829
00:34:28,704 --> 00:34:30,604
Things that you know not of.

830
00:34:31,841 --> 00:34:33,458
Abby, I'll make you a deal.

831
00:34:33,459 --> 00:34:36,229
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy,

832
00:34:36,230 --> 00:34:39,516
then you'll quit giving me shit
and you'll work with me.

833
00:34:39,517 --> 00:34:42,668
You know as well as I do that
we could make this show huge.

834
00:34:42,669 --> 00:34:45,889
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?

835
00:34:47,608 --> 00:34:49,159
Then I'll quit.

836
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,729
You're really
that confident?

837
00:34:57,254 --> 00:34:59,754
It's been more than 30 seconds.

838
00:35:05,262 --> 00:35:08,098
All right, deal. Now what?

839
00:35:08,099 --> 00:35:10,100
Always make an impression.

840
00:35:10,101 --> 00:35:12,068
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.

841
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,405
But what about the...?

842
00:35:14,406 --> 00:35:16,507
In five seconds,
he'll call. Come on.

843
00:35:16,508 --> 00:35:18,174
What are you,
Nostradamus?

844
00:35:19,511 --> 00:35:21,445
Amazing.

845
00:35:22,915 --> 00:35:25,967
Rule number one:
never criticize.

846
00:35:25,968 --> 00:35:28,637
Even if it's constructive?
Never.

847
00:35:28,638 --> 00:35:31,207
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.

848
00:35:31,208 --> 00:35:33,927
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.

849
00:35:33,928 --> 00:35:35,996
- Huh.
- Mm.

850
00:35:35,997 --> 00:35:38,898
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.

851
00:35:38,899 --> 00:35:41,000
What if what he says
isn't funny?

852
00:35:41,001 --> 00:35:42,235
That's irrelevant.

853
00:35:42,236 --> 00:35:44,271
A fake laugh is like
a fake orgasm.

854
00:35:44,272 --> 00:35:45,389
A fake orgasm is good?

855
00:35:45,390 --> 00:35:48,110
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.

856
00:35:48,111 --> 00:35:50,712
A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
Only to you.

857
00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:53,366
You're not the only person
in the room, you know.

858
00:35:53,367 --> 00:35:55,484
Let's not be selfish.

859
00:35:55,485 --> 00:35:57,202
Now, that was perfect.

860
00:35:57,203 --> 00:35:59,271
Real or fake?

861
00:35:59,272 --> 00:36:00,873
You'll never know.

862
00:36:00,874 --> 00:36:04,093
<i>¶ My face to the sky
Dreaming about just how high ¶</i>

863
00:36:04,094 --> 00:36:07,163
Rule number three:
men are very visual.

864
00:36:07,164 --> 00:36:09,199
We have to change your look.

865
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:10,868
What's wrong with my look?

866
00:36:10,869 --> 00:36:13,738
Abby, you're a very
attractive woman,

867
00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,440
but you are completely
inaccessible.

868
00:36:15,441 --> 00:36:17,241
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.

869
00:36:17,242 --> 00:36:19,227
What's wrong with comfort
and efficiency?

870
00:36:19,228 --> 00:36:21,730
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.

871
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:25,634
Hello. May I be of assistance?
Yes, you may.

872
00:36:25,635 --> 00:36:27,437
We need cocktail dresses,

873
00:36:27,438 --> 00:36:30,340
tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts

874
00:36:30,341 --> 00:36:33,410
sit up and say hello.

875
00:36:33,411 --> 00:36:35,578
They're not saying hello now?
What are they saying?

876
00:36:35,579 --> 00:36:38,082
Actually, they're giving off
more of a passing nod

877
00:36:38,083 --> 00:36:40,118
rather than
an outright greeting.

878
00:36:40,119 --> 00:36:42,920
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?

879
00:36:42,921 --> 00:36:44,739
I think this would be wonderful.
Ha-ha!

880
00:36:44,740 --> 00:36:46,774
Now, that is a bra.

881
00:36:46,775 --> 00:36:48,776
Mm-hm.
Boobies in this thing say,

882
00:36:48,777 --> 00:36:51,480
"Put me in your mouth,
I taste good".

883
00:36:51,481 --> 00:36:55,050
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.

884
00:36:56,487 --> 00:36:58,571
Length is very important.

885
00:36:58,572 --> 00:37:00,908
We need short enough
to see some thigh,

886
00:37:00,909 --> 00:37:03,643
but not so short to see vag.

887
00:37:03,644 --> 00:37:06,180
Mm. Vag says
you're trying too hard.

888
00:37:06,181 --> 00:37:07,515
You think?

889
00:37:07,516 --> 00:37:10,151
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.

890
00:37:10,152 --> 00:37:12,220
You've... Well,
you've got the raw materials.

891
00:37:12,221 --> 00:37:14,555
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.

892
00:37:14,556 --> 00:37:16,157
Did you just tell me
I have a nice ass?

893
00:37:16,158 --> 00:37:17,591
Do you always have
to be so crass?

894
00:37:17,592 --> 00:37:19,094
Oh!

895
00:37:19,095 --> 00:37:21,997
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems

896
00:37:21,998 --> 00:37:24,134
because men don't
really listen or care.

897
00:37:24,135 --> 00:37:26,970
- Some men care.
- No, some men pretend to care.

898
00:37:26,971 --> 00:37:29,506
When we ask you how you're
doing, it's just guy code for:

899
00:37:29,507 --> 00:37:30,974
"Let me stick
my dick in your ass".

900
00:37:30,975 --> 00:37:32,292
Ugh!

901
00:37:32,293 --> 00:37:34,662
Oh, I know you think
Colin is above it all,

902
00:37:34,663 --> 00:37:36,264
but trust me, he's a guy.

903
00:37:36,265 --> 00:37:38,833
If he's even remotely into you,
he's probably thought about

904
00:37:38,834 --> 00:37:41,170
each one of your orifices
at least 10 times.

905
00:37:41,171 --> 00:37:43,989
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.

906
00:37:43,990 --> 00:37:47,410
Oh, I don't assume.
I know.

907
00:37:47,411 --> 00:37:50,262
Wait. We need to make
one more stop.

908
00:37:50,263 --> 00:37:51,915
Why? I have tons of stuff.

909
00:37:51,916 --> 00:37:53,617
Nah, we have to make
your hair longer.

910
00:37:53,618 --> 00:37:56,052
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.

911
00:37:56,053 --> 00:37:58,222
My hair is fine. There's
nothing wrong with my hair.

912
00:37:58,223 --> 00:38:01,108
Abby, a ponytail implies
that you are either

913
00:38:01,109 --> 00:38:04,129
operating heavy machinery
or emptying the litter box.

914
00:38:04,130 --> 00:38:06,214
Neither of those things
inspires an erection.

915
00:38:06,215 --> 00:38:08,482
Why is it my responsibility
to inspire an erection?

916
00:38:08,483 --> 00:38:09,884
Why isn't that his job?

917
00:38:09,885 --> 00:38:11,585
Shut up.

918
00:38:30,625 --> 00:38:34,462
Well? What do you think?

919
00:38:34,463 --> 00:38:36,063
Uh... Not bad.

920
00:38:36,064 --> 00:38:37,767
I just...

921
00:38:37,768 --> 00:38:40,269
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean...

922
00:38:40,270 --> 00:38:42,221
And I don't want you
to be a bimbo.

923
00:38:42,222 --> 00:38:45,208
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.

924
00:38:45,209 --> 00:38:48,478
The librarian
and the stripper.

925
00:38:48,479 --> 00:38:50,997
On the one hand,
you have to push the guy away

926
00:38:50,998 --> 00:38:52,832
with a cold indifference,

927
00:38:52,833 --> 00:38:57,804
on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.

928
00:38:58,607 --> 00:39:00,326
Now, we have to teach
you flirting.

929
00:39:00,327 --> 00:39:01,476
I know how to flirt.

930
00:39:01,477 --> 00:39:02,911
You know how to flirt?

931
00:39:02,912 --> 00:39:05,681
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.

932
00:39:05,682 --> 00:39:09,084
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics".

933
00:39:09,085 --> 00:39:10,752
I don't think so.

934
00:39:10,753 --> 00:39:13,006
Hey, babe,
you wearing any underwear?

935
00:39:13,007 --> 00:39:14,340
Hey, you know what?

936
00:39:14,341 --> 00:39:16,242
I wouldn't say that,
and I wouldn't grab ass.

937
00:39:16,243 --> 00:39:18,245
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?

938
00:39:18,246 --> 00:39:21,214
- What's it there for if not to grab it?
- Oh!

939
00:39:21,215 --> 00:39:23,584
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.

940
00:39:23,585 --> 00:39:28,189
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.

941
00:39:28,190 --> 00:39:32,527
Hm. Maybe I'm just
a really good student.

942
00:39:32,528 --> 00:39:34,897
- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?

943
00:39:34,898 --> 00:39:39,236
Uh, running your finger
down there.

944
00:39:39,237 --> 00:39:40,437
Over me.

945
00:39:40,438 --> 00:39:42,155
Why?
Is it turning you on?

946
00:39:43,941 --> 00:39:46,577
- Maybe.
- Heh.

947
00:39:46,578 --> 00:39:49,512
It's weird,
I think I kinda like it.

948
00:39:49,513 --> 00:39:51,382
Really?

949
00:39:52,250 --> 00:39:53,451
- Sucker.
- Oh, I knew it.

950
00:39:53,452 --> 00:39:55,519
- Okay, no teaching the teacher.
- Come on.

951
00:39:56,889 --> 00:39:58,691
- Who is it?
- It's Colin.

952
00:39:58,692 --> 00:40:00,559
I'm not ready for this.
Am I ready for this?

953
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,295
- I'm not ready for this.
- Calm down. Shh!

954
00:40:03,296 --> 00:40:05,931
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.

955
00:40:05,932 --> 00:40:07,472
- Under a minute?
- Yes.

956
00:40:07,473 --> 00:40:09,052
Under a minute.

957
00:40:09,053 --> 00:40:12,288
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.

958
00:40:12,289 --> 00:40:14,892
You're such an asshole.

959
00:40:16,194 --> 00:40:18,462
- Hi.
- Hey.

960
00:40:18,463 --> 00:40:21,416
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh, thanks.

961
00:40:21,417 --> 00:40:23,484
Yeah, I was just
doing the dishes.

962
00:40:23,485 --> 00:40:26,338
- So, what happened to you today?
- What'd you mean?

963
00:40:26,339 --> 00:40:28,540
Well, you put me on hold
and you never called back.

964
00:40:28,541 --> 00:40:31,010
- Oh, my God. Was that you?
- Yeah.

965
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:33,879
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's okay.

966
00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:37,267
Uh, Colin, would you mind
giving me a call later?

967
00:40:37,268 --> 00:40:39,686
I'm just so busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.

968
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:42,239
- Abby, wait.
- What now?

969
00:40:43,158 --> 00:40:46,193
No, that's good.
Now make him suffer.

970
00:40:46,194 --> 00:40:47,429
Make him suffer. Suffer.

971
00:40:47,430 --> 00:40:49,631
Abby, I was wondering
if you'd like to go

972
00:40:49,632 --> 00:40:52,300
to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.

973
00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:01,510
Go, Comets!

974
00:41:02,028 --> 00:41:03,663
<i>ANNOUNCER
He delivers it.</i>

975
00:41:09,036 --> 00:41:12,506
<i>Okay, I have
a visual. Nod if you can hear me.</i>

976
00:41:14,310 --> 00:41:17,095
Just relax.
It's gonna be fine.

977
00:41:17,096 --> 00:41:19,279
<i>Now, do exactly
what I tell you,</i>

978
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:21,682
<i>and when
I tell you to do it. Okay?</i>

979
00:41:22,936 --> 00:41:26,705
<i>You follow baseball?
Do something noncommittal.</i>

980
00:41:28,342 --> 00:41:29,592
Eh. Ha-ha-ha.

981
00:41:29,593 --> 00:41:31,194
You okay?

982
00:41:31,195 --> 00:41:32,630
I'm fine.

983
00:41:32,631 --> 00:41:34,848
<i>That was a little over the top,
but nice try.</i>

984
00:41:34,849 --> 00:41:38,669
- Well, thanks.
- For what?

985
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:42,707
Well, thanks for being you.

986
00:41:42,708 --> 00:41:45,511
- Mm-hm.
- You're welcome.

987
00:41:54,420 --> 00:41:56,255
Excuse me.

988
00:41:57,057 --> 00:42:00,026
Oh, my God.
You're Mike Chadway.

989
00:42:00,027 --> 00:42:01,428
I love you.

990
00:42:01,429 --> 00:42:04,281
- Hey, buddy, what the hell?
- Dude, what the fuck?

991
00:42:04,282 --> 00:42:05,916
- Dude, what the fuck?
- What?

992
00:42:05,917 --> 00:42:07,719
<i>No, no, no.
I'm not talking to you.</i>

993
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:11,039
I'm not talking to you.
Okay, did I do something wrong?

994
00:42:12,692 --> 00:42:14,192
No, stop. Listen.

995
00:42:14,193 --> 00:42:17,712
Tell him you saw him
looking at another girl.

996
00:42:17,713 --> 00:42:19,198
I... I saw you.

997
00:42:19,199 --> 00:42:21,000
I saw you
looking at another girl.

998
00:42:21,001 --> 00:42:24,004
- Who?
- That girl, right there.

999
00:42:24,005 --> 00:42:25,973
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.

1000
00:42:25,974 --> 00:42:29,894
- Oh. Okay.
- Two. Thank you.

1001
00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:32,612
Okay, we need a quick recovery.

1002
00:42:32,613 --> 00:42:33,814
Um...

1003
00:42:33,815 --> 00:42:36,150
<i>Make sure you put the hot dog</i>

1004
00:42:36,151 --> 00:42:39,920
<i>in your mouth nice and slowly.</i>

1005
00:42:41,575 --> 00:42:43,192
Men like watching

1006
00:42:43,193 --> 00:42:46,296
<i>penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.</i>

1007
00:42:46,297 --> 00:42:48,047
- Oh!
- Oh!

1008
00:42:48,583 --> 00:42:50,116
I'm so sorry.

1009
00:42:50,117 --> 00:42:52,251
- Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
- No, it's okay. Really.

1010
00:42:52,252 --> 00:42:54,621
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.

1011
00:42:54,622 --> 00:42:56,906
- What kind of fabric is this?
- I don't know. Cotton?

1012
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:58,543
Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.

1013
00:42:58,544 --> 00:43:00,795
Well, actually,
leather's the worst.

1014
00:43:00,796 --> 00:43:02,229
- After that would be suede.
- Okay.

1015
00:43:02,230 --> 00:43:04,099
<i>- I think I can get it out.
- Abby.</i>

1016
00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:06,667
Oh, look,
hold on. It's coming!

1017
00:43:16,180 --> 00:43:18,231
- Where?
- There. Right there.

1018
00:43:18,232 --> 00:43:21,151
<i>Abby? Abby,
you might wanna look up.</i>

1019
00:43:26,391 --> 00:43:28,758
<i>Way to go, Abby.</i>

1020
00:43:31,797 --> 00:43:34,215
Okay, I got you.
I'm in position.

1021
00:43:34,216 --> 00:43:35,600
Can't say today
was boring.

1022
00:43:35,601 --> 00:43:36,985
You're being nice.

1023
00:43:36,986 --> 00:43:39,421
- I embarrassed you.
- No.

1024
00:43:39,422 --> 00:43:42,008
You're just, uh,
not what I'm used to.

1025
00:43:42,009 --> 00:43:43,477
I know.

1026
00:43:43,478 --> 00:43:45,345
No, actually,
it's a good thing.

1027
00:43:45,346 --> 00:43:48,147
I'm used to women I can
figure out in five seconds.

1028
00:43:48,148 --> 00:43:50,267
But I can't
do that with you.

1029
00:43:50,268 --> 00:43:54,003
<i He's an idiot.
I figured you out in two.

1030
00:43:54,004 --> 00:43:56,640
<i>Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.</i>

1031
00:43:56,641 --> 00:43:58,860
<i>We're gonna give
this one last shot.</i>

1032
00:43:58,861 --> 00:44:01,196
Well, good night then.

1033
00:44:12,209 --> 00:44:14,461
That definitely made up
for my wet crotch.

1034
00:44:14,462 --> 00:44:15,828
Ha. Me too.

1035
00:44:15,829 --> 00:44:17,715
No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.

1036
00:44:17,716 --> 00:44:19,667
Yeah. Ha-ha.

1037
00:44:19,668 --> 00:44:21,118
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

1038
00:44:21,119 --> 00:44:22,269
- Okay.
- Bye.

1039
00:44:22,270 --> 00:44:24,039
Bye.

1040
00:44:25,940 --> 00:44:27,141
Night.

1041
00:44:27,142 --> 00:44:29,227
Night.

1042
00:44:33,048 --> 00:44:34,649
Oh!

1043
00:44:38,656 --> 00:44:40,407
You did it! You did it!
You did it!

1044
00:44:40,408 --> 00:44:41,674
I didn't do anything.
You did!

1045
00:44:41,675 --> 00:44:42,943
- It was you.
- No.

1046
00:44:42,944 --> 00:44:46,130
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.

1047
00:44:46,131 --> 00:44:49,249
- He's such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he's dreamy.

1048
00:44:49,250 --> 00:44:51,920
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.

1049
00:44:51,921 --> 00:44:53,955
Right. Though weren't items
one through nine

1050
00:44:53,956 --> 00:44:56,141
something to do with him
pretty much being gay?

1051
00:44:57,276 --> 00:44:58,677
I'm gonna ignore that,

1052
00:44:58,678 --> 00:45:00,896
because I am in such
a good mood.

1053
00:45:00,897 --> 00:45:04,650
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.

1054
00:45:15,531 --> 00:45:17,748
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys

1055
00:45:17,749 --> 00:45:20,118
are the closest relatives
to human beings

1056
00:45:20,119 --> 00:45:22,386
both genetically and socially.

1057
00:45:22,387 --> 00:45:25,290
Especially when
it comes to sex.

1058
00:45:25,291 --> 00:45:27,192
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.

1059
00:45:27,193 --> 00:45:29,428
One of my favorite
techniques as well.

1060
00:45:29,429 --> 00:45:32,082
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source,

1061
00:45:32,083 --> 00:45:34,918
they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension...

1062
00:45:34,919 --> 00:45:37,555
- Small person on-set.
- Thanks.

1063
00:45:37,556 --> 00:45:40,006
...which is something
we humans should look into.

1064
00:45:40,007 --> 00:45:42,208
No, no, no.
This is not for children.

1065
00:45:42,209 --> 00:45:43,777
It's okay. I know him.

1066
00:45:43,778 --> 00:45:45,378
- You do?
- Yeah.

1067
00:45:45,379 --> 00:45:48,316
...sit on their asses
all day and boss their men around.

1068
00:45:48,317 --> 00:45:52,287
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.

1069
00:45:52,288 --> 00:45:54,991
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.

1070
00:45:54,992 --> 00:45:56,626
And we're wrapped.

1071
00:45:56,627 --> 00:45:57,926
Heh-heh.
Great job, Mike.

1072
00:45:57,927 --> 00:45:59,413
Thank you.
See you guys later.

1073
00:46:01,248 --> 00:46:03,282
Yeah, I've got an adult
male bonobo monkey

1074
00:46:03,283 --> 00:46:04,585
in my pants.

1075
00:46:04,586 --> 00:46:06,820
I'd like to see that.

1076
00:46:07,488 --> 00:46:09,089
Hey. What are you
doing here?

1077
00:46:09,090 --> 00:46:12,811
I told you no watching
the show, especially live.

1078
00:46:12,812 --> 00:46:14,646
JONAH:
I need some emergency advice.

1079
00:46:14,647 --> 00:46:16,982
Tracy Mclvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

1080
00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:19,434
Is it dorky if I say yes?

1081
00:46:19,435 --> 00:46:20,584
Dorky?

1082
00:46:20,585 --> 00:46:23,572
Hell, no. Are you kidding?

1083
00:46:23,573 --> 00:46:26,859
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.

1084
00:46:26,860 --> 00:46:29,179
You know
how cool that is?

1085
00:46:29,180 --> 00:46:31,681
Relish
this moment, okay?

1086
00:46:31,682 --> 00:46:34,085
Now get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.

1087
00:46:34,086 --> 00:46:35,419
- Okay.
- We'll celebrate.

1088
00:46:35,420 --> 00:46:37,487
JONAH:
Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.

1089
00:46:37,488 --> 00:46:40,191
Hey, have I ever?

1090
00:46:40,192 --> 00:46:41,993
He lives with you?

1091
00:46:41,994 --> 00:46:45,230
Well, next door, with my sister.

1092
00:46:45,231 --> 00:46:46,932
Oh.
He's my nephew.

1093
00:46:46,933 --> 00:46:48,133
Oh.

1094
00:46:48,134 --> 00:46:49,803
- Cute kid.
- Yeah.

1095
00:46:49,804 --> 00:46:52,205
Here, uh, do me.

1096
00:46:53,908 --> 00:46:55,609
- Okay. So guess what.
- What?

1097
00:46:55,610 --> 00:46:58,944
Colin called, he wants
to get together again.

1098
00:47:00,281 --> 00:47:01,615
Oh, Lord.

1099
00:47:01,616 --> 00:47:05,820
Um, so how long should I wait
to have sex with him?

1100
00:47:05,821 --> 00:47:07,956
Well, the more you
make him beg for it,

1101
00:47:07,957 --> 00:47:10,292
the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.

1102
00:47:10,293 --> 00:47:13,229
So do everything else but.

1103
00:47:13,230 --> 00:47:16,865
But then show him

1104
00:47:16,866 --> 00:47:20,236
that beneath that control-freak
exterior of yours,

1105
00:47:20,237 --> 00:47:23,773
that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.

1106
00:47:23,774 --> 00:47:27,277
No. No, I'm not
a sexual deviant. Mm-mm.

1107
00:47:27,278 --> 00:47:28,712
Good point.

1108
00:47:28,713 --> 00:47:31,349
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for what,

1109
00:47:31,350 --> 00:47:33,985
- a year?
- No.

1110
00:47:33,986 --> 00:47:36,054
- Eleven months.
- God.

1111
00:47:36,055 --> 00:47:38,656
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.

1112
00:47:40,359 --> 00:47:42,862
So how often do you, uh...?

1113
00:47:42,863 --> 00:47:44,997
Do I what?

1114
00:47:44,998 --> 00:47:47,600
- Do I what?
- You know,

1115
00:47:48,268 --> 00:47:49,753
flick the bean?

1116
00:47:49,754 --> 00:47:51,004
What bean?

1117
00:47:51,005 --> 00:47:54,140
- Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
- Oh!

1118
00:47:54,141 --> 00:47:56,292
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?

1119
00:47:56,293 --> 00:47:58,428
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating,

1120
00:47:58,429 --> 00:48:00,497
but I thought that might
offend your delicate

1121
00:48:00,498 --> 00:48:03,401
ladylike sensibilities.

1122
00:48:03,402 --> 00:48:05,821
- So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.

1123
00:48:05,822 --> 00:48:07,305
How often do you flick it?

1124
00:48:07,306 --> 00:48:10,743
You're only asking me that so
you can picture me flicking mine

1125
00:48:10,744 --> 00:48:12,694
- while you flick yours.
- Oh, no.

1126
00:48:12,695 --> 00:48:14,780
I would never picture you
while I do that,

1127
00:48:14,781 --> 00:48:16,015
which is
not something I do.

1128
00:48:16,016 --> 00:48:18,084
- I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.

1129
00:48:18,085 --> 00:48:19,585
- No. No. No.
- Never?

1130
00:48:19,586 --> 00:48:22,089
I find it impersonal.

1131
00:48:22,090 --> 00:48:23,823
Abby, what could be
more personal

1132
00:48:23,824 --> 00:48:25,609
than you
flicking your bean?

1133
00:48:25,610 --> 00:48:27,595
I just don't see myself
that way, okay?

1134
00:48:27,596 --> 00:48:30,897
Okay, well, I do.
Come here. Ahem.

1135
00:48:31,449 --> 00:48:33,084
Well, you better start.

1136
00:48:33,085 --> 00:48:35,553
Because if you don't
wanna have sex with you,

1137
00:48:35,554 --> 00:48:38,090
- why the hell would Colin?
- Hm.

1138
00:48:53,274 --> 00:48:56,576
What is this?
What is this, baby?

1139
00:48:58,614 --> 00:49:00,432
What? What, baby?

1140
00:49:04,670 --> 00:49:08,890
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?

1141
00:49:10,627 --> 00:49:12,512
"Astrea 1".

1142
00:49:14,281 --> 00:49:18,269
Oh. "Vibrating brief". Wow.

1143
00:49:35,689 --> 00:49:37,640
Great.

1144
00:50:19,037 --> 00:50:21,406
He said he was running late.

1145
00:50:21,407 --> 00:50:24,242
Ugh. What is he
doing here already?

1146
00:50:34,972 --> 00:50:37,491
Good, you're ready.
For what?

1147
00:50:37,492 --> 00:50:39,360
The dinner
with corporate.

1148
00:50:39,361 --> 00:50:40,911
- Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.

1149
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:43,647
And I can't.
I have a date with Colin.

1150
00:50:43,648 --> 00:50:45,382
You can't go because
you have a date?

1151
00:50:45,383 --> 00:50:49,053
You have no idea how hard
those are for her to get.

1152
00:50:50,689 --> 00:50:52,808
Well, then let's pick
him up on the way.

1153
00:50:52,809 --> 00:50:54,910
Come on, let's go.
Right now.

1154
00:50:54,911 --> 00:50:57,012
Come on.
Come on, let's go.

1155
00:50:58,132 --> 00:51:00,216
Sorry to hijack
your date, brother.

1156
00:51:00,217 --> 00:51:02,652
No worries.
You're a producer as well?

1157
00:51:02,653 --> 00:51:05,121
No, dude,
I'm the talent.

1158
00:51:05,122 --> 00:51:07,457
So you're, uh...
You're an anchor, then?

1159
00:51:07,458 --> 00:51:09,793
<i>No, I do
The Ugly Truth.</i>

1160
00:51:09,794 --> 00:51:11,896
Hasn't he ever seen
our show?

1161
00:51:11,897 --> 00:51:13,281
Come on, Stuart.

1162
00:51:13,282 --> 00:51:16,117
Our show's way too
low-brow for Colin.

1163
00:51:16,118 --> 00:51:18,487
- He's a doctor.
- Yes.

1164
00:51:18,488 --> 00:51:19,872
That's right, he is.

1165
00:51:19,873 --> 00:51:21,974
He doesn't wanna hear about
things like implants

1166
00:51:21,975 --> 00:51:23,742
and oral sex.

1167
00:51:23,743 --> 00:51:25,410
You talk about oral sex?

1168
00:51:25,411 --> 00:51:27,112
Oh, look, we're here.

1169
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:31,451
You invited
the Jell-O twins?

1170
00:51:31,452 --> 00:51:33,054
Yeah. I thought
it was good thinking.

1171
00:51:33,055 --> 00:51:34,789
Well, it certainly
can't hurt.

1172
00:51:34,790 --> 00:51:38,091
Ladies,
you look quite fetching.

1173
00:51:41,696 --> 00:51:43,197
Hey, hey, the gang's all here.

1174
00:51:43,198 --> 00:51:44,432
BOB:
Hey.

1175
00:51:44,433 --> 00:51:46,702
Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
Hi. And this is...

1176
00:51:46,703 --> 00:51:48,687
And we all know Mike Chadway.

1177
00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:50,390
And who are these
lovely ladies?

1178
00:51:50,391 --> 00:51:53,625
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.

1179
00:51:53,626 --> 00:51:54,927
That's right.

1180
00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:58,098
Our table's waiting. Shall we?

1181
00:51:58,099 --> 00:51:59,048
Come this way.

1182
00:51:59,049 --> 00:52:00,600
You're doing
a hell of a job.

1183
00:52:00,601 --> 00:52:02,469
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

1184
00:52:04,388 --> 00:52:06,673
- That's a good one, huh?
- That is funny.

1185
00:52:06,674 --> 00:52:08,443
HAROLD:
Thank you.

1186
00:52:13,300 --> 00:52:16,468
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?

1187
00:52:18,555 --> 00:52:19,972
Ow!

1188
00:52:21,258 --> 00:52:24,328
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.

1189
00:52:27,682 --> 00:52:29,600
Yeah.

1190
00:52:29,601 --> 00:52:31,986
Yeah. Right.

1191
00:52:31,987 --> 00:52:35,324
No, really,
we are very excited

1192
00:52:35,325 --> 00:52:37,559
about this year's rating
increases. And we're hoping

1193
00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:40,028
that in the next quarter, we...

1194
00:52:40,029 --> 00:52:41,713
Oh, God.
What's wrong?

1195
00:52:41,714 --> 00:52:43,282
Nothing. Nothing.

1196
00:52:45,168 --> 00:52:48,705
Um... Could you excuse me?

1197
00:52:48,706 --> 00:52:51,674
- Shit.
- Sorry, she's...

1198
00:52:55,513 --> 00:52:58,549
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the remote.

1199
00:52:58,550 --> 00:53:02,018
- What remote?
- For the... Oh!

1200
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:06,024
The underwear.

1201
00:53:06,025 --> 00:53:07,025
What?

1202
00:53:07,026 --> 00:53:09,962
You're wearing them now?

1203
00:53:11,065 --> 00:53:12,765
Oh! Wow.

1204
00:53:12,766 --> 00:53:14,399
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

1205
00:53:17,204 --> 00:53:20,073
Yeah.

1206
00:53:20,074 --> 00:53:24,995
Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.

1207
00:53:24,996 --> 00:53:29,801
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted. Oh.

1208
00:53:29,802 --> 00:53:31,653
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.

1209
00:53:31,654 --> 00:53:33,054
Abby, uh, hold on.

1210
00:53:33,055 --> 00:53:35,507
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign

1211
00:53:35,508 --> 00:53:38,344
we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.

1212
00:53:38,345 --> 00:53:41,597
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

1213
00:53:45,687 --> 00:53:50,158
Well, they're, uh...
They're 15 seconds

1214
00:53:50,159 --> 00:53:53,911
every hour, on the hour.

1215
00:53:53,912 --> 00:53:56,331
Yep. Yep, yep.

1216
00:53:57,899 --> 00:54:00,669
They're so,

1217
00:54:00,670 --> 00:54:02,304
so...

1218
00:54:02,305 --> 00:54:06,259
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.

1219
00:54:06,260 --> 00:54:08,011
Yes, you tell them.

1220
00:54:08,012 --> 00:54:09,996
Actually,
I was really enjoying

1221
00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:13,199
the way you were
telling them. It was great.

1222
00:54:14,468 --> 00:54:17,605
You were...
You were telling them.

1223
00:54:17,606 --> 00:54:19,307
What's in ceviche?

1224
00:54:22,110 --> 00:54:23,445
They're, um...

1225
00:54:23,446 --> 00:54:27,265
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.

1226
00:54:27,266 --> 00:54:28,735
Amazing.

1227
00:54:28,736 --> 00:54:30,402
And they're of...

1228
00:54:30,403 --> 00:54:33,038
Of Mike telling an ugly truth,

1229
00:54:33,039 --> 00:54:34,540
and they are just so...

1230
00:54:34,541 --> 00:54:36,626
So cutting-edge.

1231
00:54:38,212 --> 00:54:40,080
So... So fantastic.
So fantastic!

1232
00:54:40,081 --> 00:54:42,399
Oh, God!
Oh, it's so, so great!

1233
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:45,703
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.

1234
00:54:49,174 --> 00:54:51,476
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?

1235
00:54:54,981 --> 00:54:59,034
I'm gonna use the restroom,

1236
00:54:59,035 --> 00:55:01,870
if you'll excuse me.

1237
00:55:03,657 --> 00:55:06,792
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.

1238
00:55:07,928 --> 00:55:09,863
Did you know
he had it the whole time?

1239
00:55:09,864 --> 00:55:13,266
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.

1240
00:55:13,267 --> 00:55:15,369
I figured I should
let you finish.

1241
00:55:15,370 --> 00:55:16,938
How kind.

1242
00:55:16,939 --> 00:55:19,625
So thanks for coming tonight.

1243
00:55:19,626 --> 00:55:20,959
To dinner.

1244
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,561
- That kind of coming.
- Mm-hm.

1245
00:55:26,466 --> 00:55:30,268
He likes you, by the way.
Colin.

1246
00:55:30,269 --> 00:55:31,438
I can tell.

1247
00:55:31,439 --> 00:55:32,489
Really?

1248
00:55:32,490 --> 00:55:34,307
We ready to go?

1249
00:55:34,308 --> 00:55:35,357
Yeah.

1250
00:55:35,358 --> 00:55:37,527
- I know Abby is.
- Great.

1251
00:55:37,528 --> 00:55:39,063
Let's go.

1252
00:55:39,064 --> 00:55:41,298
- Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.

1253
00:55:48,774 --> 00:55:51,109
Well, that went well,
I think.

1254
00:55:51,110 --> 00:55:52,744
- Sure did. Let's get a drink.
- Yeah.

1255
00:55:52,745 --> 00:55:54,146
Bob and Harold...

1256
00:55:57,167 --> 00:55:59,336
<i>¶ I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine ¶</i>

1257
00:56:02,590 --> 00:56:05,893
<i>¶ Oh, whoa ¶</i>

1258
00:56:05,894 --> 00:56:07,744
<i>¶ Do what you want
But you never gonna break me ¶</i>

1259
00:56:07,745 --> 00:56:10,030
<i>¶ Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me ¶</i>

1260
00:56:10,031 --> 00:56:13,768
<i>¶ No, oh, whoa, oh ¶</i>

1261
00:56:13,769 --> 00:56:15,736
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1262
00:56:15,737 --> 00:56:17,973
<i>¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶</i>

1263
00:56:17,974 --> 00:56:20,142
<i>¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶</i>

1264
00:56:20,143 --> 00:56:22,412
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1265
00:56:22,413 --> 00:56:24,413
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1266
00:56:24,414 --> 00:56:26,682
<i>¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶</i>

1267
00:56:26,683 --> 00:56:29,052
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1268
00:56:29,053 --> 00:56:31,904
<i>¶ A hiding place ¶
¶ A hiding place ¶</i>

1269
00:56:31,905 --> 00:56:34,041
<i>¶ I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine ¶</i>

1270
00:56:34,042 --> 00:56:36,160
<i>¶ I got a love and
I know that it's all mine ¶</i>

1271
00:56:36,161 --> 00:56:39,197
<i>¶ Oh, whoa, oh ¶</i>

1272
00:56:40,466 --> 00:56:42,633
<i>¶ Do what you want
But you never gonna break me ¶</i>

1273
00:56:42,634 --> 00:56:45,270
<i>¶ Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me ¶</i>

1274
00:56:45,271 --> 00:56:49,157
<i>¶ Oh, oh, whoa, oh ¶</i>

1275
00:56:49,158 --> 00:56:51,427
<i>¶ Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me ¶</i>

1276
00:56:51,428 --> 00:56:53,629
<i>¶ Do anything
You can to control me ¶</i>

1277
00:56:53,630 --> 00:56:57,084
<i>¶ No, oh, no ¶</i>

1278
00:56:57,085 --> 00:56:59,402
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1279
00:56:59,403 --> 00:57:01,738
<i>¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶</i>

1280
00:57:01,739 --> 00:57:03,991
<i>¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶</i>

1281
00:57:03,992 --> 00:57:06,126
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1282
00:57:06,127 --> 00:57:08,129
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1283
00:57:08,130 --> 00:57:10,749
<i>¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶</i>

1284
00:57:10,750 --> 00:57:12,885
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1285
00:57:12,886 --> 00:57:16,004
<i>¶ A hiding place ¶
¶ A hiding place ¶</i>

1286
00:57:20,210 --> 00:57:22,545
<i>¶ The sun is on my side ¶</i>

1287
00:57:22,546 --> 00:57:24,815
<i>¶ Take me for a ride ¶</i>

1288
00:57:24,816 --> 00:57:26,850
<i>¶ I smile up to the sky ¶</i>

1289
00:57:26,851 --> 00:57:28,952
<i>¶ I know I'll be all right ¶</i>

1290
00:57:28,953 --> 00:57:30,822
<i>¶ The sun is on my side ¶</i>

1291
00:57:30,823 --> 00:57:32,323
<i>¶ Take me for a ride ¶</i>

1292
00:57:32,324 --> 00:57:35,092
Oh, my God. For me?

1293
00:57:35,093 --> 00:57:37,996
Oh, my God,
he sent you flowers!

1294
00:57:40,466 --> 00:57:43,351
<i>¶ A sweet escape ¶
¶ A sweet escape ¶</i>

1295
00:57:43,352 --> 00:57:45,587
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1296
00:57:45,588 --> 00:57:47,523
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1297
00:57:47,524 --> 00:57:49,743
<i>¶ A secret place ¶
¶ A secret place ¶</i>

1298
00:57:49,744 --> 00:57:51,745
<i>¶ To better days ¶
¶ To better days ¶</i>

1299
00:57:51,746 --> 00:57:54,214
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1300
00:57:54,215 --> 00:57:57,134
<i>¶ Take me away ¶
¶ Take me away ¶</i>

1301
00:57:57,135 --> 00:58:01,004
Uh-huh. Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.

1302
00:58:01,005 --> 00:58:03,123
Okay, bye. All right,

1303
00:58:03,124 --> 00:58:05,176
so we have
the balloon festival coming up

1304
00:58:05,177 --> 00:58:07,646
and I thought for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment

1305
00:58:07,647 --> 00:58:09,398
on how men are full of hot air.

1306
00:58:09,399 --> 00:58:11,800
- Right? It's good, right?
- Heh. No.

1307
00:58:11,801 --> 00:58:14,020
No. Well, we should still
do some stuff on location,

1308
00:58:14,021 --> 00:58:16,606
because you're great when
you're interacting with people.

1309
00:58:16,607 --> 00:58:20,743
I'm sorry, did you just
say I'm great?

1310
00:58:21,796 --> 00:58:24,665
Yeah, you kind of are.

1311
00:58:24,666 --> 00:58:27,268
Hm. Back at you, babe.

1312
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:32,073
So tell me this.

1313
00:58:32,074 --> 00:58:35,844
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?

1314
00:58:35,845 --> 00:58:39,065
Oh, I much prefer
Sacramento to New York.

1315
00:58:39,066 --> 00:58:41,333
Ha. Come on.

1316
00:58:41,334 --> 00:58:43,687
You just like being
a big fish in a little pond.

1317
00:58:43,688 --> 00:58:46,523
- No. No.
- Mm.

1318
00:58:46,524 --> 00:58:48,308
And Sacramento
isn't really a pond,

1319
00:58:48,309 --> 00:58:51,946
it's more of a lake,
or even an estuary. Hm.

1320
00:58:51,947 --> 00:58:55,299
And it's a great place
to raise a family.

1321
00:58:55,300 --> 00:58:57,067
Uh, really good
school system.

1322
00:58:57,068 --> 00:58:59,470
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.

1323
00:58:59,471 --> 00:59:00,956
And there's a much lower

1324
00:59:00,957 --> 00:59:03,158
divorce rate here than
there is in New York.

1325
00:59:10,967 --> 00:59:12,469
Yes, well...

1326
00:59:12,470 --> 00:59:15,938
Thank God Colin would never
be into a woman like that.

1327
00:59:15,939 --> 00:59:19,543
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only
likes women of quality, huh?

1328
00:59:19,544 --> 00:59:22,329
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.

1329
00:59:22,330 --> 00:59:26,151
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?

1330
00:59:26,152 --> 00:59:28,203
I've seen you with
the Funbag Twins, remember?

1331
00:59:28,204 --> 00:59:29,956
Saw me what?

1332
00:59:29,957 --> 00:59:33,224
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?

1333
00:59:33,225 --> 00:59:34,893
They wanna be actresses, baby.

1334
00:59:34,894 --> 00:59:37,380
I mean, who am I
to kill their dream?

1335
00:59:38,499 --> 00:59:39,999
Mm, such a generous man.

1336
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:42,302
Now, you're telling me
you've never slept with them?

1337
00:59:42,303 --> 00:59:45,389
Well, no, I didn't say that.
That's my point.

1338
00:59:45,390 --> 00:59:48,009
Men, or man-whores,

1339
00:59:48,010 --> 00:59:52,564
prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.

1340
00:59:52,565 --> 00:59:54,732
Every man wants that.

1341
00:59:54,733 --> 00:59:56,200
And for your information,

1342
00:59:56,201 --> 00:59:58,236
I only slept with the one
who could read.

1343
00:59:59,406 --> 01:00:01,691
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?

1344
01:00:01,692 --> 01:00:04,127
Yes. Yes, I did.

1345
01:00:04,128 --> 01:00:06,929
I can say "cock".
You don't own the word. Cock.

1346
01:00:06,930 --> 01:00:09,300
Cock, cock, cock.

1347
01:00:09,301 --> 01:00:11,334
Okay, I got it.

1348
01:00:11,335 --> 01:00:14,238
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.

1349
01:00:14,239 --> 01:00:17,107
Now you're, "cock this,
cock that," cock, cock, cock.

1350
01:00:19,929 --> 01:00:21,513
You slept with Colin,
didn't you?

1351
01:00:21,514 --> 01:00:24,232
No. No.

1352
01:00:25,602 --> 01:00:28,103
We didn't. We're saving
that for this weekend.

1353
01:00:28,104 --> 01:00:31,441
He's taking me
to Lake Tahoe.

1354
01:00:33,310 --> 01:00:34,977
Wow.

1355
01:00:37,281 --> 01:00:39,233
Wow.

1356
01:00:40,835 --> 01:00:42,671
Well,

1357
01:00:42,672 --> 01:00:45,840
here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?

1358
01:00:47,409 --> 01:00:49,677
I'm really a man
of discriminating taste

1359
01:00:49,678 --> 01:00:51,580
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.

1360
01:00:51,581 --> 01:00:54,082
Thank you.

1361
01:00:56,686 --> 01:00:58,921
<i>So there you have it.</i>

1362
01:00:58,922 --> 01:01:03,059
<i>Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.</i>

1363
01:01:03,060 --> 01:01:05,061
<i>There are many layers
in between.</i>

1364
01:01:05,062 --> 01:01:08,432
<i>And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers</i>

1365
01:01:08,433 --> 01:01:12,737
and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.

1366
01:01:12,738 --> 01:01:14,906
That sounded
almost enlightened.

1367
01:01:14,907 --> 01:01:18,344
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends,

1368
01:01:18,345 --> 01:01:20,996
her lady garden awaits.

1369
01:01:20,997 --> 01:01:22,666
And he's back.

1370
01:01:22,667 --> 01:01:24,767
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize

1371
01:01:24,768 --> 01:01:26,368
that patch of petunias.

1372
01:01:26,369 --> 01:01:29,389
Well, thanks, Mike.

1373
01:01:29,390 --> 01:01:32,292
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias

1374
01:01:32,293 --> 01:01:35,263
are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.

1375
01:01:35,264 --> 01:01:37,564
I sure hope mine do.

1376
01:01:37,565 --> 01:01:39,901
I wanna go home, but let's
go over the script right now.

1377
01:01:39,902 --> 01:01:43,472
Yeah, let's get it done
really quickly.

1378
01:01:43,473 --> 01:01:46,958
I'm turned on with the layers.
Want to see these layers?

1379
01:01:46,959 --> 01:01:48,410
- There he is.
- Hey, what's up?

1380
01:01:48,411 --> 01:01:50,345
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.

1381
01:01:50,346 --> 01:01:52,282
<i>What?
I got you on The Late Late Show</i>

1382
01:01:52,283 --> 01:01:56,035
with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.

1383
01:01:56,036 --> 01:01:57,621
Craig Ferguson wants me
on his show?

1384
01:01:57,622 --> 01:01:58,789
Yeah.

1385
01:01:58,790 --> 01:02:00,807
You're shitting me.
I am not shitting you.

1386
01:02:00,808 --> 01:02:02,160
- Oh, yeah!
- We made it.

1387
01:02:04,479 --> 01:02:06,680
Yes!

1388
01:02:06,681 --> 01:02:09,000
Hi. Who are you?

1389
01:02:09,001 --> 01:02:10,051
Oh, this is Rick.

1390
01:02:10,052 --> 01:02:12,304
- I'm his agent.
- Yeah.

1391
01:02:12,305 --> 01:02:15,390
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay

1392
01:02:15,391 --> 01:02:18,394
<i>to book Late Night without
the producer's approval?</i>

1393
01:02:18,573 --> 01:02:20,359
Anyways, you leave tonight.

1394
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:21,693
- Okay.
- It's all set.

1395
01:02:21,694 --> 01:02:23,762
- How cool is this?
- Come on, let's go.

1396
01:02:25,733 --> 01:02:27,566
Aah! Oh, my God!

1397
01:02:32,723 --> 01:02:34,173
Joy said
you wanted to see me?

1398
01:02:34,174 --> 01:02:37,194
I just found out that
Mike's being offered a job

1399
01:02:37,195 --> 01:02:39,930
at a CBS affiliate in
San Francisco at twice the pay.

1400
01:02:39,931 --> 01:02:42,232
Craig Ferguson
is his audition.

1401
01:02:42,233 --> 01:02:45,103
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.

1402
01:02:45,104 --> 01:02:47,305
If Bob and Harold find out
about this, we're dead.

1403
01:02:47,306 --> 01:02:50,174
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.

1404
01:02:50,175 --> 01:02:51,876
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.

1405
01:02:51,877 --> 01:02:54,279
Just don't let him know
that you know beforehand.

1406
01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:57,132
Go ahead and let him do the
show, and get us our publicity,

1407
01:02:57,133 --> 01:02:59,936
and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us

1408
01:02:59,937 --> 01:03:03,990
for the next three years.
That's all we can do.

1409
01:03:13,052 --> 01:03:14,635
Stuart, I'm pulling up.

1410
01:03:14,636 --> 01:03:16,404
I'm gonna try to catch him
before he goes.

1411
01:03:16,405 --> 01:03:18,439
Okay. I'll call you back.

1412
01:03:19,809 --> 01:03:21,710
Thank you.

1413
01:03:21,711 --> 01:03:24,413
Hello,
little stupid penis face.

1414
01:03:24,414 --> 01:03:26,549
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.

1415
01:03:26,550 --> 01:03:27,884
Hear you wanna move to CBS.

1416
01:03:27,885 --> 01:03:30,653
Is everything okay, miss?

1417
01:03:30,654 --> 01:03:34,324
Yes, I'm just...
I'm practicing my speech.

1418
01:03:35,359 --> 01:03:37,361
Abby?
What are you doing here?

1419
01:03:37,362 --> 01:03:39,280
I thought you were
going to Tahoe.

1420
01:03:39,281 --> 01:03:41,616
Oh. You couldn't spend a day
without me, could you?

1421
01:03:41,617 --> 01:03:45,070
Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.

1422
01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:46,905
Stuart thought you needed
a producer more

1423
01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:48,456
than I needed to get laid.

1424
01:03:48,457 --> 01:03:50,859
So come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.

1425
01:03:50,860 --> 01:03:52,211
Wow.

1426
01:03:52,212 --> 01:03:55,297
Five minutes.
Ticktock, ticktock.

1427
01:03:55,298 --> 01:03:57,384
Yes, dear.

1428
01:03:57,385 --> 01:04:01,639
Okay, uh, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.

1429
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:04,424
I'm sorry you didn't get
to spend time

1430
01:04:04,425 --> 01:04:05,992
with little Colin
this weekend.

1431
01:04:05,993 --> 01:04:08,328
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized,

1432
01:04:08,329 --> 01:04:10,982
although I highly suspect
that's the case.

1433
01:04:10,983 --> 01:04:14,420
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?

1434
01:04:14,421 --> 01:04:17,089
Because I thought maybe
we should talk about

1435
01:04:17,090 --> 01:04:18,992
what you're gonna say
on the show.

1436
01:04:18,993 --> 01:04:21,761
Yeah. Okay.

1437
01:04:21,762 --> 01:04:25,165
<i>So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?</i>

1438
01:04:25,166 --> 01:04:27,400
Uh, well,
Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson,

1439
01:04:27,401 --> 01:04:29,302
I had a sales job

1440
01:04:29,303 --> 01:04:32,707
where I was driving around
a lot, listening to talk radio.

1441
01:04:32,708 --> 01:04:34,258
I started calling in,

1442
01:04:34,259 --> 01:04:37,179
and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.

1443
01:04:37,180 --> 01:04:39,013
Just ask my producer, Abby.

1444
01:04:39,014 --> 01:04:40,915
She thinks
I'm a genius on days

1445
01:04:40,916 --> 01:04:42,551
when she's not
sexually frustrated.

1446
01:04:42,552 --> 01:04:44,386
Yes, thousands of lives

1447
01:04:44,387 --> 01:04:45,887
have been enriched
by your wisdom.

1448
01:04:45,888 --> 01:04:47,690
Excuse me, lady,

1449
01:04:47,691 --> 01:04:49,825
but you have a boyfriend
right now because of me.

1450
01:04:49,826 --> 01:04:51,327
It may have started
because of you,

1451
01:04:51,328 --> 01:04:52,629
but it's lasted because of me.

1452
01:04:52,630 --> 01:04:53,930
Great.
So you're acting like

1453
01:04:53,931 --> 01:04:55,999
your normal control-freak
psycho self again.

1454
01:04:56,000 --> 01:04:57,701
I am not a control freak.

1455
01:04:57,702 --> 01:04:59,588
When you checked
into the hotel,

1456
01:04:59,589 --> 01:05:02,139
did you or did you not
insist on getting

1457
01:05:02,140 --> 01:05:05,493
an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?

1458
01:05:06,645 --> 01:05:09,214
I like rising with the sun,
and a view.

1459
01:05:10,850 --> 01:05:15,288
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby,

1460
01:05:15,289 --> 01:05:16,723
not the Abby version
of Abby.

1461
01:05:16,724 --> 01:05:19,359
So don't go knocking
my words of wisdom

1462
01:05:19,360 --> 01:05:22,529
when you're living proof
that they work.

1463
01:05:22,530 --> 01:05:24,815
I could be
having sex right now.

1464
01:05:24,816 --> 01:05:26,482
Right this way, please.

1465
01:05:26,483 --> 01:05:27,685
Dude, this is awesome.

1466
01:05:27,686 --> 01:05:30,921
You are about to go on
national television.

1467
01:05:30,922 --> 01:05:32,724
Okay, this isn't helping,
Rick.

1468
01:05:32,725 --> 01:05:35,293
Just, you know,
do what you always do.

1469
01:05:35,294 --> 01:05:37,062
What do I always do?

1470
01:05:37,063 --> 01:05:40,165
You, uh...
I don't know, you...

1471
01:05:40,166 --> 01:05:43,035
You entertain millions of people
with your moronic ideas,

1472
01:05:43,036 --> 01:05:45,437
and they love you for it.

1473
01:05:45,438 --> 01:05:47,740
I think that may be the nicest
thing you ever said to me.

1474
01:05:47,741 --> 01:05:49,527
- You're welcome.
- Next up,

1475
01:05:49,528 --> 01:05:51,646
here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women

1476
01:05:51,647 --> 01:05:54,281
is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.

1477
01:05:56,435 --> 01:05:58,719
Mike, Mike, Mike.

1478
01:05:58,720 --> 01:06:00,689
Come on up.

1479
01:06:00,690 --> 01:06:03,492
Hey, how are you, folks?

1480
01:06:03,493 --> 01:06:05,777
FERGUSON:
All right, Mike, welcome.

1481
01:06:05,778 --> 01:06:09,598
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men".

1482
01:06:09,599 --> 01:06:12,169
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes...

1483
01:06:12,170 --> 01:06:13,203
No, I get it. I get it.

1484
01:06:13,204 --> 01:06:15,371
We're not known for
our expertise

1485
01:06:15,372 --> 01:06:17,541
in matters of the heart.

1486
01:06:17,542 --> 01:06:21,528
But I hear you have some very
interesting ideas and theories.

1487
01:06:21,529 --> 01:06:24,281
What advice would you give
to the good people out there

1488
01:06:24,282 --> 01:06:26,184
that are
looking for love?

1489
01:06:26,185 --> 01:06:28,019
My advice would be, uh:

1490
01:06:28,020 --> 01:06:29,472
Don't do it.

1491
01:06:30,641 --> 01:06:32,407
I mean,
try to find lust instead.

1492
01:06:32,408 --> 01:06:35,728
It's a lot easier
and a lot less messy.

1493
01:06:35,729 --> 01:06:37,229
Blue balls,
they only last a few hours,

1494
01:06:37,230 --> 01:06:39,899
but a broken heart,
that can last years.

1495
01:06:44,888 --> 01:06:47,108
<i>Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?</i>

1496
01:06:47,109 --> 01:06:49,760
<i>Who?</i>

1497
01:06:49,761 --> 01:06:53,564
<i>The woman that screwed
you up. She must have been a doozy.</i>

1498
01:06:58,671 --> 01:07:04,093
<i>Ah. Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.</i>

1499
01:07:08,466 --> 01:07:11,869
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.

1500
01:07:24,500 --> 01:07:26,902
<i>Did you get him? Is he ours?</i>

1501
01:07:26,903 --> 01:07:28,170
I'm working on it.

1502
01:07:28,171 --> 01:07:30,171
I gotta go.

1503
01:07:31,493 --> 01:07:34,026
- Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.

1504
01:07:34,027 --> 01:07:36,229
I thought maybe you and I
could celebrate on our own.

1505
01:07:36,230 --> 01:07:38,348
Here. Give me some of that.

1506
01:07:38,349 --> 01:07:41,401
And, uh, what exactly
are we celebrating?

1507
01:07:41,402 --> 01:07:44,305
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.

1508
01:07:44,306 --> 01:07:46,474
I mean, maybe you saw it?

1509
01:07:47,393 --> 01:07:50,128
I heard about
the offer from CBS.

1510
01:07:51,546 --> 01:07:54,116
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.

1511
01:07:54,117 --> 01:07:56,018
You did?

1512
01:07:57,587 --> 01:07:58,988
Why?

1513
01:07:58,989 --> 01:08:01,173
Jonah.

1514
01:08:01,174 --> 01:08:03,209
You know,
he needs me around.

1515
01:08:04,211 --> 01:08:07,247
I may not be the best
father figure out there,

1516
01:08:07,248 --> 01:08:09,216
but I'm the only one he's got.

1517
01:08:09,217 --> 01:08:13,086
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.

1518
01:08:13,087 --> 01:08:16,725
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.

1519
01:08:16,726 --> 01:08:17,942
Thank you.

1520
01:08:17,943 --> 01:08:20,078
Now, can we stop
talking about work

1521
01:08:20,079 --> 01:08:25,185
and maybe relax
and drink, enjoy?

1522
01:08:25,186 --> 01:08:27,119
God.

1523
01:08:28,256 --> 01:08:29,773
Tell me about the doozy.

1524
01:08:29,774 --> 01:08:32,708
You know, the woman
who broke your heart.

1525
01:08:32,709 --> 01:08:35,613
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.

1526
01:08:35,614 --> 01:08:38,731
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.

1527
01:08:41,270 --> 01:08:44,005
Well,
for your information,

1528
01:08:44,006 --> 01:08:47,642
it was, uh...
It was more than just one.

1529
01:08:47,643 --> 01:08:51,713
It was more like a parade.

1530
01:08:51,714 --> 01:08:55,550
Co-dependent girls,
unfaithful girls,

1531
01:08:55,551 --> 01:08:57,087
depressed girls,

1532
01:08:57,088 --> 01:09:00,123
narcissistic girls,
phony girls.

1533
01:09:00,124 --> 01:09:04,094
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.

1534
01:09:05,463 --> 01:09:08,232
By the time I hit 30,
I realized that, uh,

1535
01:09:08,233 --> 01:09:10,168
you can only have
so many lousy relationships

1536
01:09:10,169 --> 01:09:11,302
before you figure out

1537
01:09:11,303 --> 01:09:12,903
there's no such thing
as a good one.

1538
01:09:12,904 --> 01:09:15,390
Oh, come on. You can't really
believe there's no such thing

1539
01:09:15,391 --> 01:09:17,293
as a good relationship.

1540
01:09:17,294 --> 01:09:20,563
Mm. To my very core.

1541
01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:24,016
Hello. Can I
get you something?

1542
01:09:24,017 --> 01:09:26,119
I'll have one of those, please.
A mojito. Sure.

1543
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:28,621
Would you like anything else?
Yeah, some water.

1544
01:09:28,622 --> 01:09:31,192
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?

1545
01:09:31,193 --> 01:09:34,027
- Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.

1546
01:09:35,079 --> 01:09:36,315
What?

1547
01:09:36,316 --> 01:09:38,484
What?

1548
01:09:38,485 --> 01:09:40,969
It's the exact same thing,
isn't it?

1549
01:09:42,656 --> 01:09:45,824
So I've been told.

1550
01:09:47,795 --> 01:09:49,695
Come on, let's dance.

1551
01:09:49,696 --> 01:09:52,131
No, I'm serious.

1552
01:09:52,132 --> 01:09:55,169
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.

1553
01:09:55,170 --> 01:09:57,304
No, really.
I can't dance like that.

1554
01:09:57,305 --> 01:09:59,124
I can. Well, kind of.

1555
01:10:03,494 --> 01:10:05,597
Ugh. Mike, no.

1556
01:10:05,598 --> 01:10:07,865
No.

1557
01:10:23,535 --> 01:10:25,602
<i>¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶</i>

1558
01:10:25,603 --> 01:10:27,772
<i>¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶</i>

1559
01:10:27,773 --> 01:10:29,723
<i>¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶</i>

1560
01:10:29,724 --> 01:10:31,976
<i>¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶</i>

1561
01:10:31,977 --> 01:10:33,746
<i>¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶</i>

1562
01:10:33,747 --> 01:10:35,781
<i>¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶</i>

1563
01:10:35,782 --> 01:10:37,750
<i>¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶</i>

1564
01:10:37,751 --> 01:10:41,220
<i>¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶</i>

1565
01:11:11,771 --> 01:11:13,791
<i>¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶</i>

1566
01:11:13,792 --> 01:11:16,126
<i>¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶</i>

1567
01:11:16,127 --> 01:11:17,963
<i>¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶</i>

1568
01:11:17,964 --> 01:11:19,980
<i>¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶</i>

1569
01:11:19,981 --> 01:11:21,799
<i>¶ The way you walk
The way you talk ¶</i>

1570
01:11:21,800 --> 01:11:23,968
<i>¶ The way you smile
It turns me on ¶</i>

1571
01:11:23,969 --> 01:11:25,886
<i>¶ The way you move
The way you groove ¶</i>

1572
01:11:25,887 --> 01:11:28,372
<i>¶ Makes me glad
That I'm with you ¶</i>

1573
01:11:37,418 --> 01:11:42,188
We have an early flight
tomorrow. We should go.

1574
01:11:46,428 --> 01:11:48,963
Yeah. We should go.

1575
01:12:18,296 --> 01:12:22,234
So the car is gonna pick us
up downstairs tomorrow at 8.

1576
01:12:22,235 --> 01:12:25,403
Do you want me to call you?
No, I'll get a wake-up call.

1577
01:12:25,404 --> 01:12:27,539
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.

1578
01:12:30,877 --> 01:12:32,312
I had a really good time
tonight.

1579
01:12:32,313 --> 01:12:34,347
Me too.

1580
01:12:34,348 --> 01:12:36,181
Yeah.

1581
01:12:44,059 --> 01:12:46,060
- My floor.
- Yeah.

1582
01:12:46,061 --> 01:12:48,329
- See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.

1583
01:12:48,330 --> 01:12:50,566
Eight o'clock.

1584
01:12:50,567 --> 01:12:53,101
- Good night.
- Good night. Oh!

1585
01:12:54,871 --> 01:12:57,605
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.

1586
01:13:00,078 --> 01:13:02,078
- A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

1587
01:13:18,514 --> 01:13:19,898
I guess, uh,

1588
01:13:19,899 --> 01:13:22,468
I guess I should go, huh?

1589
01:13:22,469 --> 01:13:24,970
Yeah.

1590
01:13:24,971 --> 01:13:27,473
Good night.

1591
01:13:49,616 --> 01:13:52,985
What the hell was that?

1592
01:13:52,986 --> 01:13:56,021
Why do I wanna do it again?

1593
01:14:08,622 --> 01:14:10,288
- Miss me?
- Colin.

1594
01:14:10,289 --> 01:14:11,906
You were expecting
someone else?

1595
01:14:11,907 --> 01:14:13,408
No.

1596
01:14:13,409 --> 01:14:14,843
- Mm.
- Uh...

1597
01:14:14,844 --> 01:14:16,662
Since you couldn't
come to Lake Tahoe,

1598
01:14:16,663 --> 01:14:18,813
I decided to come to you.

1599
01:14:18,814 --> 01:14:21,400
Oh. How did you
know I was here?

1600
01:14:21,401 --> 01:14:22,535
Uh, Joy told me.

1601
01:14:22,536 --> 01:14:23,886
I just started
thinking about

1602
01:14:23,887 --> 01:14:26,240
all the stuff we were
going to do there, and I...

1603
01:14:26,241 --> 01:14:30,159
- Come here.
- decided I couldn't wait.

1604
01:14:30,160 --> 01:14:31,595
- A little champagne?
- Yeah.

1605
01:14:31,596 --> 01:14:33,764
Great.

1606
01:14:33,765 --> 01:14:36,568
- So happy to be here.
- Oh, yes.

1607
01:14:36,569 --> 01:14:38,553
What's wrong?

1608
01:14:38,554 --> 01:14:41,190
Nothing.
You just surprised me.

1609
01:14:41,191 --> 01:14:42,975
You told me you were
spontaneous.

1610
01:14:42,976 --> 01:14:44,527
Yes, I did.

1611
01:14:44,528 --> 01:14:46,961
Have a little something else
on its way up for you.

1612
01:14:46,962 --> 01:14:48,797
You are going to love it.

1613
01:14:50,501 --> 01:14:51,817
- Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha!
- Whoa!

1614
01:14:51,818 --> 01:14:54,154
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?

1615
01:14:54,155 --> 01:14:57,842
Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
get naked sooner than I thought.

1616
01:14:57,843 --> 01:14:59,527
- I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.

1617
01:15:10,907 --> 01:15:12,942
Abby, I...

1618
01:15:15,779 --> 01:15:18,882
Abby, I really,
really wanna do that again,

1619
01:15:18,883 --> 01:15:20,383
and not just tonight.

1620
01:15:20,384 --> 01:15:22,119
Fuck!

1621
01:15:22,120 --> 01:15:24,788
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

1622
01:15:24,789 --> 01:15:28,658
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.

1623
01:15:35,969 --> 01:15:39,155
Hey, hey.
You're not room service.

1624
01:15:39,156 --> 01:15:41,591
- How you doing, man?
- Hey. Uh...

1625
01:15:41,592 --> 01:15:44,210
Hey. Good to see you.
I, uh...

1626
01:15:44,211 --> 01:15:47,997
I just came by to tell
Abby about the change

1627
01:15:47,998 --> 01:15:49,850
in our flight time,

1628
01:15:49,851 --> 01:15:52,870
but I can come by later.

1629
01:15:52,871 --> 01:15:54,272
Hi.

1630
01:15:54,273 --> 01:15:55,657
Hey.

1631
01:15:55,658 --> 01:15:57,859
What are you doing here?

1632
01:15:57,860 --> 01:15:59,728
Uh, flight's changed.

1633
01:15:59,729 --> 01:16:03,165
Eight o'clock in the morning.

1634
01:16:03,166 --> 01:16:05,884
I... I told you that already?

1635
01:16:06,853 --> 01:16:10,957
Uh, I'm so...
Long day, big day.

1636
01:16:10,958 --> 01:16:13,643
Okay, I'll just leave now.

1637
01:16:22,186 --> 01:16:23,688
Mike. Mike.

1638
01:16:23,689 --> 01:16:25,873
Hey, wait.

1639
01:16:27,659 --> 01:16:29,862
He came to surprise me. I...

1640
01:16:29,863 --> 01:16:32,315
Hey, how convenient.

1641
01:16:32,316 --> 01:16:33,832
No, I...

1642
01:16:33,833 --> 01:16:36,069
I thought it was you
at the door.

1643
01:16:36,070 --> 01:16:38,320
Well, I guess we're all
interchangeable.

1644
01:16:40,090 --> 01:16:42,209
I taught you well.

1645
01:16:42,210 --> 01:16:44,510
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.

1646
01:16:53,039 --> 01:16:56,441
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.

1647
01:16:56,442 --> 01:16:58,810
Should I tell Colin to go?

1648
01:17:00,013 --> 01:17:01,546
No.

1649
01:17:02,999 --> 01:17:05,318
No, why pull up anchor now?

1650
01:17:05,319 --> 01:17:08,404
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.

1651
01:17:10,008 --> 01:17:14,077
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?

1652
01:17:15,214 --> 01:17:17,382
What do you want me to say?

1653
01:17:19,250 --> 01:17:21,336
The truth is ugly, isn't it?

1654
01:17:22,688 --> 01:17:24,756
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

1655
01:17:24,757 --> 01:17:26,892
Hm.

1656
01:17:29,579 --> 01:17:31,047
I'll see you.

1657
01:17:58,011 --> 01:17:59,662
Sorry about that.

1658
01:17:59,663 --> 01:18:02,932
No. Honestly, no worries.

1659
01:18:02,933 --> 01:18:04,466
Just come here.

1660
01:18:05,771 --> 01:18:09,006
Listen, the rest
of the night is ours. Hm?

1661
01:18:09,007 --> 01:18:13,495
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.

1662
01:18:16,865 --> 01:18:18,934
Whoa. Uh...

1663
01:18:18,935 --> 01:18:20,418
Okay.

1664
01:18:22,756 --> 01:18:24,924
Mm. Yeah.

1665
01:18:24,925 --> 01:18:28,227
Colin, why do you like me?

1666
01:18:29,431 --> 01:18:31,998
Oh, heh.

1667
01:18:31,999 --> 01:18:33,065
Wow. Uh...

1668
01:18:33,066 --> 01:18:35,736
You're beautiful.

1669
01:18:35,737 --> 01:18:37,254
You're smart.

1670
01:18:37,255 --> 01:18:39,006
You, uh...

1671
01:18:39,007 --> 01:18:41,042
You never criticize.

1672
01:18:41,043 --> 01:18:43,694
You know what? You never
try to control the situation.

1673
01:18:43,695 --> 01:18:46,899
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air

1674
01:18:46,900 --> 01:18:50,136
because I know so many women
who are total control freaks,

1675
01:18:50,137 --> 01:18:51,188
and it's a nightmare.

1676
01:18:51,189 --> 01:18:53,439
And I just love that
you're not like that.

1677
01:18:53,440 --> 01:18:54,690
But I am.

1678
01:18:54,691 --> 01:18:56,993
I am just like that.

1679
01:18:56,994 --> 01:18:59,029
Wait, what do you mean?

1680
01:18:59,030 --> 01:19:01,482
Well, this should be chilled.

1681
01:19:01,483 --> 01:19:03,234
And you know that.

1682
01:19:03,235 --> 01:19:06,053
And, uh,
as horrible as it sounds,

1683
01:19:06,054 --> 01:19:07,922
I was editing that speech

1684
01:19:07,923 --> 01:19:09,492
the entire time
you were giving it.

1685
01:19:09,493 --> 01:19:12,059
And the time you fed me caviar,

1686
01:19:12,060 --> 01:19:14,747
I was in physical pain.

1687
01:19:14,748 --> 01:19:17,466
I hate being fed
like a toddler.

1688
01:19:17,467 --> 01:19:19,886
That's how much
of a control freak I am.

1689
01:19:19,887 --> 01:19:23,056
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because

1690
01:19:23,057 --> 01:19:25,826
who would love
someone like that?

1691
01:19:25,827 --> 01:19:27,561
No one.

1692
01:19:32,734 --> 01:19:33,834
Um...

1693
01:19:44,932 --> 01:19:47,366
I'm so sorry.

1694
01:19:47,367 --> 01:19:50,503
You are a great guy,
you really are.

1695
01:19:50,504 --> 01:19:55,075
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.

1696
01:19:55,076 --> 01:19:58,012
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.

1697
01:19:58,013 --> 01:20:01,015
Then who have you been?

1698
01:20:03,019 --> 01:20:06,055
The girl some idiot
told me to be.

1699
01:20:32,868 --> 01:20:35,103
Morning, Freddy.

1700
01:20:36,439 --> 01:20:38,273
What did you do to him?

1701
01:20:38,274 --> 01:20:39,342
I didn't do anything.

1702
01:20:39,343 --> 01:20:41,010
He missed the flight
all on his own.

1703
01:20:41,011 --> 01:20:43,396
He quit this morning.

1704
01:20:43,397 --> 01:20:45,748
I just got a smug call
from the local CBS affiliate

1705
01:20:45,749 --> 01:20:47,350
saying they'd closed
a deal with him.

1706
01:20:47,351 --> 01:20:50,003
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?

1707
01:20:50,004 --> 01:20:53,290
He quit to go to one
of our local competitors?

1708
01:20:54,992 --> 01:20:56,494
We don't need Mike Chadway.

1709
01:20:56,495 --> 01:20:58,863
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.

1710
01:20:58,864 --> 01:21:00,097
You'd better be right.

1711
01:21:00,098 --> 01:21:01,101
Because you gotta find me
another one

1712
01:21:01,102 --> 01:21:03,369
by the end of the week
or else we're cancelled.

1713
01:21:03,370 --> 01:21:06,037
I'll find one
by the end of the day.

1714
01:21:06,038 --> 01:21:09,709
Not really. I'm just...
That's just a joke, everybody.

1715
01:21:09,710 --> 01:21:12,161
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel anything for him.

1716
01:21:12,162 --> 01:21:14,480
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin.

1717
01:21:14,481 --> 01:21:16,100
I'm sorry.

1718
01:21:16,101 --> 01:21:18,270
Okay, here are the
Mike Chadway replacements.

1719
01:21:18,271 --> 01:21:20,371
Yes, no, yes, no, no,

1720
01:21:20,372 --> 01:21:22,640
fuck no.
"Fuck no". All right.

1721
01:21:22,641 --> 01:21:25,760
So, what do you think
of the new set?

1722
01:21:25,761 --> 01:21:27,461
I love it.

1723
01:21:27,462 --> 01:21:31,000
KSXP retained the copyright
to your old segment title,

1724
01:21:31,001 --> 01:21:35,305
<i>so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.</i>

1725
01:21:36,674 --> 01:21:37,874
Love it.

1726
01:21:37,875 --> 01:21:40,076
And this is Joe,
your new producer.

1727
01:21:40,077 --> 01:21:41,911
Hi.

1728
01:21:43,347 --> 01:21:45,749
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?

1729
01:21:45,750 --> 01:21:48,285
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.

1730
01:21:48,286 --> 01:21:49,154
I'm relieved
to hear

1731
01:21:49,155 --> 01:21:49,497
<i>¶ chainsaw ¶</i>

1732
01:21:49,498 --> 01:21:51,399
<i>¶ You keep cuttin' me open
Why? ¶</i>

1733
01:21:51,400 --> 01:21:54,834
<i>¶ Is that the only thing
That you're good for? ¶</i>

1734
01:21:54,835 --> 01:21:59,407
<i>¶ Givin' myself to you is like
Givin' myself to a chainsaw ¶</i>

1735
01:21:59,408 --> 01:22:01,677
<i>¶ You keep cuttin' me open
Why? ¶</i>

1736
01:22:01,678 --> 01:22:04,179
<i>¶ Is that the only thing
That you're good for? ¶</i>

1737
01:22:10,388 --> 01:22:10,741
shiny?

1738
01:22:10,742 --> 01:22:14,763
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?

1739
01:22:14,764 --> 01:22:16,598
They're all great.

1740
01:22:16,599 --> 01:22:18,833
Can we go over your intro
one more time?

1741
01:22:18,834 --> 01:22:21,604
"I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is.. ".

1742
01:22:21,605 --> 01:22:24,672
<i>The Ugly Truth.</i>

1743
01:22:25,001 --> 01:22:25,485
the effing gun.

1744
01:22:25,486 --> 01:22:29,340
All right, we're live
in five, four, three...

1745
01:22:29,341 --> 01:22:31,209
Two, one.

1746
01:22:31,210 --> 01:22:32,878
Think this guy's any good?

1747
01:22:32,879 --> 01:22:34,496
He better be.

1748
01:22:34,497 --> 01:22:39,217
<i>I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.</i>

1749
01:22:39,218 --> 01:22:41,036
<i>Peace.</i>

1750
01:22:41,037 --> 01:22:42,888
Oh, Jesus.
He's going political.

1751
01:22:43,161 --> 01:22:44,661
then we're out.

1752
01:22:44,662 --> 01:22:47,132
Got it.

1753
01:22:47,133 --> 01:22:48,933
Check it out.
Your replacement's on.

1754
01:22:48,934 --> 01:22:50,667
<i>GEORGIA:... Jack Magnum.
My what?</i>

1755
01:22:50,668 --> 01:22:53,204
<i>How's it going out there?
Your replacement?</i>

1756
01:22:53,205 --> 01:22:55,073
<i>Most of you
are watching this show</i>

1757
01:22:55,074 --> 01:22:56,741
<i>so you can learn how
to get chicks.</i>

1758
01:22:56,742 --> 01:23:00,346
<i>Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.</i>

1759
01:23:00,347 --> 01:23:02,498
<i>You're looking at a guy</i>

1760
01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:06,870
who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.

1761
01:23:06,871 --> 01:23:08,339
Most of them conscious.

1762
01:23:10,024 --> 01:23:12,209
This is beautiful.

1763
01:23:12,210 --> 01:23:13,928
Now, we're here
at the balloon festival

1764
01:23:13,929 --> 01:23:15,730
and I'm supposed
to be telling you about

1765
01:23:15,731 --> 01:23:17,030
how men are full of hot air.

1766
01:23:17,031 --> 01:23:18,633
But I think we all know,

1767
01:23:18,634 --> 01:23:20,469
it's the ladies
that are full of crap.

1768
01:23:20,470 --> 01:23:24,523
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.

1769
01:23:24,524 --> 01:23:26,810
<i>If that were the case,</i>

1770
01:23:26,811 --> 01:23:28,226
I'd have only 90 women...

1771
01:23:30,029 --> 01:23:31,197
Okay. All right.

1772
01:23:31,198 --> 01:23:32,565
What the hell?

1773
01:23:32,566 --> 01:23:34,567
Did she...? Oh.

1774
01:23:34,568 --> 01:23:35,985
- Uh...
- Welcome back.

1775
01:23:35,986 --> 01:23:39,690
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.

1776
01:23:39,691 --> 01:23:42,661
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...

1777
01:23:42,662 --> 01:23:44,729
Okay, I got it.

1778
01:23:44,730 --> 01:23:46,331
Unh. Hi.

1779
01:23:46,332 --> 01:23:47,665
- Uh...
- We're back.

1780
01:23:47,666 --> 01:23:49,501
I'm sorry,

1781
01:23:49,502 --> 01:23:53,956
<i>but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.</i>

1782
01:23:53,957 --> 01:23:56,158
Which should really
come as no surprise

1783
01:23:56,159 --> 01:23:59,930
because men
are completely unreliable.

1784
01:23:59,931 --> 01:24:02,198
What is she doing?

1785
01:24:02,199 --> 01:24:05,569
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes,
I know. We're fixing it.

1786
01:24:05,570 --> 01:24:07,170
<i>Take Mike Chadway,
for instance.</i>

1787
01:24:07,171 --> 01:24:10,407
<i>He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.</i>

1788
01:24:10,408 --> 01:24:12,610
<i>You think you know what men
are gonna do,</i>

1789
01:24:12,611 --> 01:24:14,845
<i>you think you know
what men want to do.</i>

1790
01:24:14,846 --> 01:24:16,781
<i>But when it comes right down
to that moment</i>

1791
01:24:16,782 --> 01:24:18,450
<i>where they actually need
to step up</i>

1792
01:24:18,451 --> 01:24:20,569
<i>and, I don't know,
make a move,</i>

1793
01:24:20,570 --> 01:24:22,205
<i>they chicken out.</i>

1794
01:24:22,206 --> 01:24:24,890
Oh. I am all over this.

1795
01:24:24,891 --> 01:24:27,343
Where're you going?
We're live in two!

1796
01:24:27,344 --> 01:24:28,545
It's going great, isn't it?

1797
01:24:28,546 --> 01:24:31,097
The big, strong, brave men

1798
01:24:31,098 --> 01:24:32,598
that we've all been
reading about

1799
01:24:32,599 --> 01:24:35,169
in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old,

1800
01:24:35,170 --> 01:24:37,704
that's a fallacy.
They don't exist.

1801
01:24:37,705 --> 01:24:41,443
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.

1802
01:24:41,444 --> 01:24:43,228
Men are afraid.

1803
01:24:43,229 --> 01:24:44,662
It's all part of the show.

1804
01:24:44,663 --> 01:24:46,681
Sort of an Andy Kaufman
thing we're doing.

1805
01:24:46,682 --> 01:24:52,455
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator, and...

1806
01:24:53,990 --> 01:24:56,210
<i>and it's totally romantic
and full of potential,</i>

1807
01:24:56,211 --> 01:24:59,863
men are incapable
of copping to it.

1808
01:24:59,864 --> 01:25:02,083
Because why?

1809
01:25:02,084 --> 01:25:03,567
Men are weak.

1810
01:25:03,568 --> 01:25:07,272
Let me tell you something
about women.

1811
01:25:07,273 --> 01:25:08,773
Oh. Hey.

1812
01:25:08,774 --> 01:25:12,577
Woman would have us believe
that they are the victims.

1813
01:25:12,578 --> 01:25:14,746
That we break
their hearts for sport.

1814
01:25:14,747 --> 01:25:16,432
<i>I thought he quit.
That's crap.</i>

1815
01:25:16,433 --> 01:25:18,819
See, Bob?
I told you we'd get him back.

1816
01:25:18,820 --> 01:25:20,387
They say they want true love,

1817
01:25:20,388 --> 01:25:22,721
but all they want
is a checklist.

1818
01:25:22,722 --> 01:25:26,944
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?

1819
01:25:26,945 --> 01:25:28,578
<i>For you men who fit
the criteria,</i>

1820
01:25:28,579 --> 01:25:31,532
<i>don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.</i>

1821
01:25:31,533 --> 01:25:34,452
They're sleeping with
a carefully calculated

1822
01:25:34,453 --> 01:25:36,455
set of venal choices.

1823
01:25:36,456 --> 01:25:39,558
Money over substance,
looks over soul.

1824
01:25:39,559 --> 01:25:41,560
Polish over principles.

1825
01:25:41,561 --> 01:25:44,596
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic,

1826
01:25:44,597 --> 01:25:46,131
will ever compensate

1827
01:25:46,132 --> 01:25:48,601
for a really impressive list
of credentials.

1828
01:25:48,602 --> 01:25:51,304
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture

1829
01:25:51,305 --> 01:25:52,806
other than this one.

1830
01:25:52,807 --> 01:25:54,976
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?

1831
01:25:54,977 --> 01:25:56,994
The elevator
was a moment of passion,

1832
01:25:56,995 --> 01:26:00,281
followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.

1833
01:26:00,282 --> 01:26:03,030
- Panic? I came by your room.
- Yes...

1834
01:26:03,031 --> 01:26:04,936
and then you ran away.

1835
01:26:04,937 --> 01:26:06,642
That wasn't panic,
sweetheart.

1836
01:26:06,643 --> 01:26:08,556
That was
an unwillingness to compete

1837
01:26:08,557 --> 01:26:11,494
with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.

1838
01:26:11,495 --> 01:26:12,829
You should be thanking me.

1839
01:26:12,830 --> 01:26:14,130
Uh, we got 10 seconds.

1840
01:26:14,131 --> 01:26:17,384
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?

1841
01:26:17,385 --> 01:26:20,286
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.

1842
01:26:20,287 --> 01:26:22,122
A girl in heat for two guys

1843
01:26:22,123 --> 01:26:24,458
will always choose the one
with the better résumé.

1844
01:26:24,459 --> 01:26:26,225
That is bullsh...

1845
01:26:27,429 --> 01:26:30,332
And we're out.

1846
01:26:30,333 --> 01:26:33,342
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.

1847
01:26:33,343 --> 01:26:36,623
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.

1848
01:26:36,624 --> 01:26:38,457
- Off we go.
- Where're we going?

1849
01:26:38,458 --> 01:26:40,276
I'm not going anywhere
with you.

1850
01:26:40,277 --> 01:26:42,445
Whoa.

1851
01:26:42,446 --> 01:26:45,514
Oh. Well, that's a shocker,
you're bailing.

1852
01:26:45,515 --> 01:26:46,900
I wouldn't recommend that.

1853
01:26:46,901 --> 01:26:49,453
Keep rolling
on the onboard camera.

1854
01:26:51,957 --> 01:26:56,377
<i>What're you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?</i>

1855
01:26:59,798 --> 01:27:02,101
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?

1856
01:27:02,102 --> 01:27:03,469
Uh-uh.

1857
01:27:03,470 --> 01:27:05,471
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?

1858
01:27:05,472 --> 01:27:06,906
Nope.

1859
01:27:06,907 --> 01:27:08,975
Oh, they're gonna curse.
I know it.

1860
01:27:21,923 --> 01:27:24,625
So who
wants champagne?

1861
01:27:25,627 --> 01:27:27,662
Oh, I know.
I got a great idea.

1862
01:27:27,663 --> 01:27:30,166
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me

1863
01:27:30,167 --> 01:27:33,235
how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?

1864
01:27:33,236 --> 01:27:35,905
I broke up with Colin
in Los Angeles, you jackass.

1865
01:27:35,906 --> 01:27:38,140
On our left, you'll see
the High Sierras...

1866
01:27:38,141 --> 01:27:39,592
What?

1867
01:27:39,593 --> 01:27:41,478
Oh, yeah.
That's got your interest.

1868
01:27:41,479 --> 01:27:43,981
Well, if you think we're gonna
finish what we started in LA,

1869
01:27:43,982 --> 01:27:46,401
you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.

1870
01:27:46,402 --> 01:27:48,669
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.

1871
01:27:48,670 --> 01:27:52,007
And to our right here, you'll
see the lovely Sacramento River

1872
01:27:52,008 --> 01:27:54,709
winding its way through
the dichromatic landscape.

1873
01:27:54,710 --> 01:27:56,944
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.

1874
01:27:56,945 --> 01:27:59,364
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse in judgment

1875
01:27:59,365 --> 01:28:01,750
when I thought you were more
than you are, but you aren't.

1876
01:28:01,751 --> 01:28:02,819
Clearly.

1877
01:28:02,820 --> 01:28:04,755
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?

1878
01:28:04,756 --> 01:28:06,706
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.

1879
01:28:06,707 --> 01:28:10,094
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary".

1880
01:28:10,095 --> 01:28:12,812
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.

1881
01:28:14,232 --> 01:28:16,967
Yeah, it is scary.
It's terrifying.

1882
01:28:16,968 --> 01:28:19,771
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.

1883
01:28:19,772 --> 01:28:21,106
<i>I am not a psycho.</i>

1884
01:28:21,107 --> 01:28:23,025
Love?

1885
01:28:23,026 --> 01:28:24,393
Oh!

1886
01:28:24,394 --> 01:28:25,794
I just told you
that I loved you,

1887
01:28:25,795 --> 01:28:27,796
and all you heard was "psycho".

1888
01:28:27,797 --> 01:28:29,565
You're the definition
of neurotic.

1889
01:28:29,566 --> 01:28:30,883
No.
The definition of neurotic

1890
01:28:30,884 --> 01:28:33,469
is a person who suffers from
anxiety, obsessive thoughts,

1891
01:28:33,470 --> 01:28:35,404
compulsive acts
and physical ailments

1892
01:28:35,405 --> 01:28:37,040
without any objective
evidence of...

1893
01:28:37,041 --> 01:28:38,758
Shut up.

1894
01:28:38,759 --> 01:28:41,061
Yet again, I just told
you I'm in love with you,

1895
01:28:41,062 --> 01:28:43,999
and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.

1896
01:28:55,962 --> 01:28:58,330
You're in love with me.

1897
01:28:58,331 --> 01:29:00,500
Why?

1898
01:29:02,937 --> 01:29:05,021
Beats the shit outta me,

1899
01:29:05,022 --> 01:29:07,124
but I am.

1900
01:29:34,022 --> 01:29:35,956
Oh! Oh, Mike.

1901
01:29:37,159 --> 01:29:39,861
- You're amazing.
- Ah, I am?

1902
01:29:39,862 --> 01:29:42,514
Oh, you're a god. Oh!

1903
01:29:42,515 --> 01:29:44,716
- Really?
- Oh, God!

1904
01:29:55,029 --> 01:29:56,447
Am I really that good?

1905
01:29:56,448 --> 01:29:58,365
Or are you...?

1906
01:29:58,366 --> 01:30:00,050
Are you just faking it?

1907
01:30:02,187 --> 01:30:04,422
You'll never know.

1908
01:30:06,741 --> 01:30:10,478
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1909
01:30:10,479 --> 01:30:14,333
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1910
01:30:14,334 --> 01:30:18,170
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1911
01:30:18,171 --> 01:30:21,608
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1912
01:30:21,609 --> 01:30:23,576
<i>¶ Walked out of the house
With my swagger ¶</i>

1913
01:30:23,577 --> 01:30:25,679
<i>¶ Hop in there with dough
I got places to go ¶</i>

1914
01:30:25,680 --> 01:30:27,414
<i>¶ People to see
Time is precious ¶</i>

1915
01:30:27,415 --> 01:30:29,784
<i>¶ I look at my cotty
They out of control ¶</i>

1916
01:30:29,785 --> 01:30:31,285
<i>¶ Just like my mind
Where I'm going ¶</i>

1917
01:30:31,286 --> 01:30:33,288
<i>¶ No women, no shorties
No nothin' but clothes ¶</i>

1918
01:30:33,289 --> 01:30:35,056
<i>¶ No stoppin' now
My Pirellis on roll ¶</i>

1919
01:30:35,057 --> 01:30:37,259
<i>¶ I like my jewelry
That's always on whoa ¶</i>

1920
01:30:37,260 --> 01:30:38,928
<i>¶ I know the storm is comin' ¶</i>

1921
01:30:38,929 --> 01:30:41,164
<i>¶ My pockets keep tellin' me
It's gonna shower ¶</i>

1922
01:30:41,165 --> 01:30:42,932
<i>¶ Call up my homies
It's on ¶</i>

1923
01:30:42,933 --> 01:30:45,133
<i>¶ Then pop in the next
'Cause this mix'll be ours ¶</i>

1924
01:30:45,134 --> 01:30:47,037
<i>¶ We keep a fade-away shot
'Cause we ballin' ¶</i>

1925
01:30:47,038 --> 01:30:49,172
<i>¶ It's platinum patron
That be ours, li'I mama ¶</i>

1926
01:30:49,173 --> 01:30:50,674
<i>¶ I owe you just
Like the flowers ¶</i>

1927
01:30:50,675 --> 01:30:53,010
<i>¶ Girl, you the drink with
All that goodie power ¶</i>

1928
01:30:53,011 --> 01:30:56,747
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1929
01:30:56,748 --> 01:31:00,385
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1930
01:31:00,386 --> 01:31:04,422
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1931
01:31:04,423 --> 01:31:07,526
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1932
01:31:07,527 --> 01:31:09,696
<i>¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶</i>

1933
01:31:09,697 --> 01:31:11,631
<i>¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶</i>

1934
01:31:11,632 --> 01:31:13,833
<i>¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶</i>

1935
01:31:13,834 --> 01:31:15,435
<i>¶ It's goin' down, down ¶</i>

1936
01:31:15,436 --> 01:31:17,404
<i>¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶</i>

1937
01:31:17,405 --> 01:31:19,439
<i>¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶</i>

1938
01:31:19,440 --> 01:31:21,575
<i>¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶</i>

1939
01:31:21,576 --> 01:31:23,343
<i>¶ It's goin' down, down ¶</i>

1940
01:31:23,344 --> 01:31:25,078
<i>¶ Hey, shorty must know
I'm the man ¶</i>

1941
01:31:25,079 --> 01:31:27,248
<i>¶ My money love her
Like a number-one fan ¶</i>

1942
01:31:27,249 --> 01:31:29,618
<i>¶ Don't look at my mouth
Let her talk to my fans ¶</i>

1943
01:31:29,619 --> 01:31:32,121
<i>¶ My Benjamin Franklins
A couple of grands ¶</i>

1944
01:31:32,122 --> 01:31:34,524
<i>¶ I got rubber bands
Paper planes makin' a dance ¶</i>

1945
01:31:34,525 --> 01:31:36,425
<i>¶ Get dirty all night
That's part of my thing ¶</i>

1946
01:31:36,426 --> 01:31:38,494
<i>¶ Keep building castles
That's made out of sand ¶</i>

1947
01:31:38,495 --> 01:31:40,730
<i>¶ She's amazing, fire blazing
Hotter than Cajun ¶</i>

1948
01:31:40,731 --> 01:31:42,532
<i>¶ Girl, won't you move
A little closer? ¶</i>

1949
01:31:42,533 --> 01:31:44,701
<i>¶ Time to get paid
It's maximum wage ¶</i>

1950
01:31:44,702 --> 01:31:47,671
<i>¶ That body belong on a poster
I'm in a daze ¶</i>

1951
01:31:47,672 --> 01:31:50,207
<i>¶ That bottom is wavin' at me
Like, damn it, I know you ¶</i>

1952
01:31:50,208 --> 01:31:52,376
<i>¶ You wanna shoot like a gun
Out of holster ¶</i>

1953
01:31:52,377 --> 01:31:54,614
<i>¶ Tell me whatever
And I'll be your roper ¶</i>

1954
01:31:54,615 --> 01:31:58,215
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1955
01:31:58,216 --> 01:32:01,921
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1956
01:32:01,922 --> 01:32:05,926
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1957
01:32:05,927 --> 01:32:09,095
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1958
01:32:09,096 --> 01:32:11,231
<i>¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶</i>

1959
01:32:11,232 --> 01:32:13,133
<i>¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶</i>

1960
01:32:13,134 --> 01:32:15,102
<i>¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶</i>

1961
01:32:15,103 --> 01:32:16,919
<i>¶ It's goin' down, down ¶</i>

1962
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:19,006
<i>¶ From the top of the pole
I watch her go down ¶</i>

1963
01:32:19,007 --> 01:32:20,875
<i>¶ She got me throwin'
My money around ¶</i>

1964
01:32:20,876 --> 01:32:22,878
<i>¶ Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found ¶</i>

1965
01:32:22,879 --> 01:32:24,680
<i>¶ It's goin' down, down ¶</i>

1966
01:32:24,681 --> 01:32:27,382
<i>¶ Yeah, I'm spending my money ¶</i>

1967
01:32:27,383 --> 01:32:29,185
<i>¶ I'm out of control ¶</i>

1968
01:32:29,186 --> 01:32:30,587
<i>¶ Somebody help me ¶</i>

1969
01:32:30,588 --> 01:32:32,872
<i>¶ She's taking my bank roll ¶</i>

1970
01:32:32,873 --> 01:32:34,725
<i>¶ But I'm king of the club ¶</i>

1971
01:32:34,726 --> 01:32:37,026
<i>¶ And I'm wearin' the crown
Poppin' these bottles ¶</i>

1972
01:32:37,027 --> 01:32:39,028
<i>¶ Touchin' these models
Watchin' they asses ¶</i>

1973
01:32:39,029 --> 01:32:40,965
<i>¶ Go down, down ¶</i>

1974
01:32:40,966 --> 01:32:44,869
<i>¶ Down, go, go, down ¶</i>

1975
01:32:44,870 --> 01:32:48,139
<i>¶ Down, go, go ¶</i>

1976
01:32:48,140 --> 01:32:52,011
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1977
01:32:52,012 --> 01:32:55,630
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1978
01:32:55,631 --> 01:32:59,719
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1979
01:32:59,720 --> 01:33:03,289
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1980
01:33:03,290 --> 01:33:07,460
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1981
01:33:07,461 --> 01:33:11,165
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>

1982
01:33:11,166 --> 01:33:15,202
<i>¶ You spin my head right round
Right round ¶</i>

1983
01:33:15,203 --> 01:33:19,040
<i>¶ When you go down
When you go down, down ¶</i>