Wha-ho!
Whoa!
Oh! Man, oh, man!
I almost lost it back there.
I didn't know what was going on.
Oh!
Oh... Oh!
Mmm.
- Oh, hey, babe? Doug? - Huh?
Can you take Billy to school today? My day kinda... got away from me.
Yeah, yeah. Unless there's an emergency at the office.
Oh, was there an emergency?
You know, dentists do have emergencies.
- Oh. - Sometimes.
- Ah. - We are doctors.
Hey, no, no! Not until your LDL is under a hundred.
Well, Mr. Putnam, any plans this summer?
What's... What'd he say?
He said we're taking an African safari.
Africa. I don't think I've been out of Cincinnati in 12 years.
You owe it to yourself to get out and enjoy life.
You can't just live to work! You need excitement!
Come on. Don't be a baby,
it's a d... Oh, the suction, the extractor. Hold on.
That'll suck the spots off a Dalmatian.
Help me, help me, all right.
Know what they call this? One powerful little sucker.
That's the brand name. It's unbelievable.
See that? I have plenty of excitement in my life, thank you, Mrs. Putnam.
Bobby?
Karen, I asked for no disturbances.
I need to talk to you, Bobby.
Technically, I'm at the office right now.
And technically, you're in our guest bedroom.
Look, I know baby. I... I just gotta finish this chapter.
I know. But you know what?
I have to go to a job that actually makes us money.
And I'm late, so... walk me to the door.
Come on, Bobby. I gotta get to work. Okay?
Oh, wait. I forgot my cell phone.
- Stay. - Hey, daddy! Listen!
Hey, no. Inside voice.
- Inside voice. - Would you shut up?
God, it's like living with a car alarm that shits.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doin' tryin' to leave the house wearin' that?
- You look like a Eskimo hooker. - Dad, that's the point.
- You wanna look like a hooker? - Dad, you are so lame.
It's hard for kids to respect a man that don't do none of the providing.
In my day the lady stayed home. Not the lazy man.
In your day, the men had pyramids to build.
How old is that?
I'm in complete control of my finan...
No.
Hush. Come.
How come she gets quiet when you say something to her?
Because you, my darling, have no control.
Baby, I know your how-to book is gonna be a huge success someday.
But do you remember what day today is?
No.
See, we had agreed that you would take a year off
to pursue this little fantasy of yours, but... that year is up.
Now you and I had a deal.
Come on, baby. Stressful cases.
Clients under duress...
I'm tired of dealing with shit all the time.
Besides, how do we even know they'll take me back?
- Because I called. - You're serious?
The Firm is ecstatic to have you back, Bobby.
You got a nine o'clock appointment.
- You call The Firm? - Yeah, men's room.
Some truck's driver must've crap an entire cow in there, man.
Good luck.
I didn't want to give him the key,
but... I didn't trust my instincts.
I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.
I got robbed yesterday, and I know now,
- your job is the bad one. - Yeah.
- Dudley? - Yes, good morning, Mac.
How's it going?
It is now nine o'clock a.m.
Thanks, Mac. Open Internet, please.
- Command unknown. - Open Internet.
Internet open.
I think I have to research alternative specs.
- Searching alternative sex. - What? No. I didn't say that.
Want granny to take her teeth out?
- Barnyard love. - Shut down.
- I'm sorry. - Enjoy the animals.
Granny's gonna spank your bottom.
All kinds of fun.
I can fix that.
Or not.
Well, iCat.
Looks like it's just you and me.
Okay, Larry, so what are you tryin' to tell me?
- You're broke. - Well, how does that work?
That means you've spent everything you had, then you spent some more.
This is... right here. Nothing. Zero.
You know what?
Maybe it's time for my wife, the "supermodel",
to start paying for some things. I mean, for once in her life.
You're getting divorced, why would she pay?
Divorced, going broke...
You think I'm falling apart, dont you?
Not going broke. You are broke.
- Okay. - The door's behind you.
No, no, you listen to me, Toby. You're not gonna push me around.
Look, we agreed on a price, and that's the price I'm gonna pay.
You got it? And if you don't like it, just walk away.
I'll tell you this, you can kiss your business goodbye.
Because if you screw with Woody Stevens, you go down hard. You got that?
What? No, money is not a problem.
Don't insult me. Don't insult me!
Money's never a problem!
You just have to honor the correct price, you got that?
What?
Well, then go home, Toby! You make me sick!
I can't do this many leaves for ten bucks.
It'll take hours!
Well, you should've thought of that before you put that flyer
on the telephone pole saying "Any yard for ten bucks".
Toby. Come on, let's talk. Let's talk like men, okay?
Well, what's the problem?
- Money's the problem! - Grow up, Toby!
- I hate you. - I hate you!
Moron!
- Kel, it's me. - I'll be right down.
Hey, Bill.
Uh, you wanna shoot some hoops or something before I take my ride?
No, thanks.
Hey, babe. How was work?
- Mmm. - Great.
Good.
Hello? Cool. I'll ask her now.
Hey, mom, can I play ball with Stew and his dad?
- Course you can. - Cool. Thanks.
Here, dude, I'll be right over, okay? All right, bye.
Bill, I just asked you a couple of second ago if you wanted to play ball. You said no.
Well, yeah. I mean, Stew's dad is awesome.
He can totally dunk.
The hoop's what? Eight feet above the ground?
- Anybody could dunk that. - Well. See you guys later.
Doug, I am so sorry. You know, I had no idea.
It wasn't your fault. You didn't know.
What do I gotta do to relate to my son?
Hey, guys?
Does this sound better?
Whoa!
I'm okay! I hit my butt.
Thanks, Woody.
I feel really safe with you.
I noticed. If you ever lay your head on my back again
when you're riding, bitch, I'll throw you in the traffic.
I... I was just trying to keep the wind off my face.
- I felt you smell my neck. - Guys, could we?
Did you smell that man's neck?
His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish.
- Like a... lawyer cowboy. - Lawyer cowboy?
Wild Hogs aren't welcome here.
- Hey, Paul. - How you doing?
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Paul.
Hey, Woody.
Just waiting on those K-ones to do your, uh, tax returns?
We also need to talk about that offshore incorporating thing.
Yeah, well, I'll give you a call.
Okay. I'll set up lunch. Or we could do a day at the spa.
Now that was fun.
I don't remember that.
- Got your wine cooler, dad. - Oh, sweet. Thanks.
- I'll see you Hogs in Hell! - We'll make it.
- That was scary, Paul. Good work. - See you later.
- I'm not coming here anymore. - But this is a Wild Hog tradition.
We're not Wild Hogs, we're like wild lambs.
It's just a patch that Doug's wife made.
We sewed it on our jackets so she wouldn't feel bad.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Hard.
- Hey. - That's true, she is really.
- All I'm saying is she's good-looking. - Show some respect.
Come on. That's what your wife does. She's a swimsuit model.
And it... And a good one, I mean. She is hot.
Okay, here's a question: What are we doing here?
Havin'... Havin' beers like we do every week.
No, no, no. Bigger picture. Life, man. What do we have to look forward to?
Riding in formation in the Labor Day Parade, is that it?
I'm really looking forward to the parade.
I got Tootsie Rolls I can throw to the kids.
Tootsie Rolls
that he can throw to the kids.
Man, you can't even put on your turn signal without bustin' your ass.
Look, let's put some real miles on those bikes.
- Road trip? - Yeah. A road trip.
Just us. No rules. No Tootsie Rolls.
Just us, the wind, the road to the Pacific.
You know, we camp out for a week, whenever we want,
wherever we want...
I mean, that's freedom, man.
As long as we stop at some Wi-Fi hotspots,
- count me in. - You're in?
- Yep. - All right.
Eh, I can't. I ca... I-I can't get the time off of work.
- You know, I'm a doctor. - You're a dentist.
Look, in college... Man, he'd have been packed already.
I'm not kidding. You-you-you know, and on a bike, he's fearless.
- He was fearless. - Yeah, well, that was...
This guy, we called him "The Golden Knight".
Where's that guy? I wanna see that guy again.
That guy's married now.
And that guy, uh, used to... used to get high a lot.
- What's Claudia gonna say about this? - Nothin'.
She's in the Bahamas doing some swimsuit thing for "Sports Illustrated".
Look, if not now, when?
Y'all know me. I'm the first to get buck wild.
- No, you're not. - But...
You're just afraid to ask your wife.
- True. True. I said true! - Come on!
This is it, on the edge, we're living! You know, "St. Elmo's Fire",
"The Wild Bunch". You know, "Deliverance"!
"Deliverance"?
- You know... - "Deliverance"?
"Deliverance"?
Hey, dudes. We're gonna ride as an American flag
in the parade this year.
Each guy in our chapter is a star.
- A what? - I'm gonna get sick.
- Who's gonna do the stripes? - The Lyman Middle School majorettes.
Oh, boy. Hey, Doug, we're really living now, huh?
I hope we don't get hit by a stray baton.
You know what? I'm outta here.
I'm going with you guys or without you guys.
You know what I mean?
Take your smelly tees, whatever. Good night.
- I said I'd go. - Come on back.
Hmm. Oh, I almost forgot.
We're also gonna be wearing these black ribbons
in honor of Tom Peterson. He died last week...
Boom! Just like that. Anyway, he'll be missed.
Tom Peterson... Tom Peterson...
You remember that guy?
He was our age.
- Mom, want some gravy? - Oh, yeah, thanks.
- So, how was your ride? - I don't know.
All Woody did was yap about taking some stupid cross-country trip.
So... so do you wanna talk about going on this ride?
I can't go on a cross-country trip.
I just can't walk away from work anytime I want.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
It's just as well.
You know, road trips probably aren't the... best thing for a guy your age.
I mean, it's gotta be really inconvenient, you know.
Bunch of middle-aged guys, having to get off their bikes
every 20 minutes or so to take a pee...
My age? What kind of crack is that? What's wrong with my age?
I mean, she talks like I'm not right here, you know?
Doug, I'm joking.
No, you don't. You know what I think? I think you think I'm a boring guy.
I'm old and I'm boring now. I've become lame.
I think everybody thinks that at this table. I'm lame! I'm just lame.
- Admit it! I'm lame! - Doug, calm down. It's...
No, I'm not gonna calm down. Cause you know what I think?
"Calming down" means just another word for "lame"!
I'm not lame! You know, I'm wild and free!
Wild and free and a man, yeah!
A man that likes to eat meat. I'm tired of not eating meat!
Meat's good! Good for men.
And potatoes. I like potatoes and I like gravy
on my potatoes. Yum, yum!
- Don't make sudden moves. - I'm living wild, I'm living good.
- And it feels good, baby! - Whoa, no, no, dad. Your LDL.
Butt out, LDLs! I miss butter. You know why I miss butter?
The French think butter is just like cheese, they eat it...
They eat it just like that. Right off the stick.
And the French, who've never won a major battle, they know how to eat!
And I...
I am living, and it feels great!
Mmm...
Doug, are you okay?
Doug, you okay?
- Yeah! - Dad, just spit it out!
I'm all right.
- Dad, just... just spit it out! - Come on.
- Breathe, breathe, breathe! - I am not all right.
- Well, Mr. Madsen... - Dr. Madsen.
Oh, really? Great. Well, then I can put this a little more simply.
Looks like you had a catecholamine-induced,
super-ventricular tachyarrhythmia.
I'm actually a dentist, so I have no idea what you just said.
- Stress-induced panic attack. - I'm not stressed.
Your body says otherwise. You know, we see this a lot in middle-aged men.
- I'm not middle-aged. - We hear that a lot, too.
How 'bout we get you out of here in a few minutes?
Dr. Wesley to imaging. Dr. Wesley to imaging.
I am a middle-aged man, aren't I?
Only mathematically.
I think you need to let off some steam.
You used to love to travel.
No, Doug, you used to play hockey. You were crazy, man.
You don't even sing annoying eighties music anymore.
Well, it's different now.
You know, I had to slow down for... for you and... Billy.
Oh, so I'm the one who did this to you?
I'm in a hospital.
It's a lot easier for me right now to blame other people for my problems.
I think you should go on that trip.
If you don't, I will fire up the hog and go with the guys.
- Woody doesn't even have a plan. - He never does.
It's like taking a trip to nowhere.
Maybe that's exactly what you need.
What up?
Hey. You're late! Supposed to be here at eight-thirty, guys.
Hey, look here. If Karen calls,
okay?, I'm at a toilet bowl seminar in Cleveland.
Hey, no, I'm serious. I need y'all to cover for me now, all right?
Yeah, sure.
What? What? What are you looking at?
I got a tat.
- Come on! - Well, hell just froze over.
- Let's see it! - I'm a biker, dude! I got a tat.
- It's an apple. - Uh, Dudley, you know, uh...
I know. Trademarked. But what are they gonna say?
It's in my skin, bitch!
- You guys aren't gonna wear helmets? - Maybe I don't wanna wear a helmet.
Maybe I don't want anything between me and the road.
You will if your head falls on it.
Woody, 62 percent of motorcycle fatalities can be prevented
- with the use of an approved DOT helmet. - That right?
What's that leather condom gonna protect you from? Snoopy?
The Red Baron? How about dating?
- You told me you liked it. - Guys, guys, hey, hey, hey!
There are no rules on this trip, remember? We're just heading for the Pacific,
- and there ain't no plans. - Right. Well, we got a week to do this, right?
So I figure we gotta be in Illinois by tonight.
Well, the way I mapped it out, we should be a... hundred miles
- past St. Louis by sundown. - Good.
What did I say? I said it's the open road, okay?
- Who knows where we're gonna be? - I know where we're gonna be.
Dudley hooked me up. Check out this thing.
It's a GPS in my phone now.
- Just look at that thing. - No kiddin'? Let me see that.
- Cool! - What are you...?
- Hey, numbnuts, what'd you do that for?! - For the good of the trip.
You don't need a GPS to discover America.
You need a bike and you need the road, okay?
Freedom. And if we have an emergency, I got a cell phone.
- No you don't. - What?
Hey! Why did you do that? I got all my data in there!
Well, how does that feel, Woody?
Feels good. Whoo!
It's my prerogative! Mm-mm-mm-mm!
- No cell phones! - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Come on, get rid of it. - No, Doug, he's right.
- No, wait, wait... - Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah, Wild Hogs, baby! Wild Hogs!
You just did that so Karen wouldn't call you.
- Exactly. - Come on, give it up.
So, we're not gonna discuss this? We're not gonna even think about this? No, don't!
- We need one phone. - Freedom, baby!
We gotta go.
- Go, go! - Come back here!
- Hey! - Whoo!
Where're you guys headed?
I love you!
You're hot!
- Losers. - Look at these guys.
Hey.
You guys wanna a ride?
All right. Sleeping bags are all set.
Bobby, I got two words for you: foot pump.
Woody, I got four words for you: Got a cheap-ass wife.
Hey, guys, this is poop. So don't eat it.
- Oh, God. - Excuse me, Mr. Hard Drive,
you're supposed to bury it, not put it in a bag.
This is plastic, I'm not gonna put it in the earth.
I'll find a garbage can tomorrow.
So you gonna sit right next to me with that doo-doo.
Hey! Come on. Doesn't get any better than this.
Sitting around a fire, chilling with your best friends, just relaxing, enjoying...
I'm sorry, Dudley, you gotta get... You gotta... You gotta bury that thing.
- Otherwise I'll vomit in your lap. - ... each other's company.
All right. I'll hang it from a tree so the bears don't get it.
- No, don't hang it in a tree! - Why not?
Cause bears don't eat shit!
What's up?
D'you ever wake up and wonder what happened to your life?
I really had such great plans.
My life and my work would be an adventure. You know?
All of a sudden I'm a suburban dentist.
Hey, look, Doug, I feel your pain, man.
Look, I swore I would never return to a job
where I had to wear condoms on my shoes.
- You're still at The Firm? - Yeah.
I get... yelled at by an ungrateful wife all night...
- The whole thing has made me... - A wimp.
I was gonna say miserable. But you think I'm a wimp?
No, no, I thought you were gonna say wimp, so I just filled it in.
You're... you're a wimp, Bobby. I... I'll say it.
I mean, you're afraid of women. It's kind of embarrassing.
- I'm afraid of women. - You're afraid to talk to women.
Bobby's afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.
Wow. Now I'm really afraid of women.
Well, at least one of us is living the fairy tale.
Right, Woody? Plenty of money, travel all the time,
you got the swimsuit model for a wife...
At least one of us has got it made.
Well, one man's fairy tale is another man's nightmare.
You think that the marshmallow's done, Doug?
Hey, look at that. Anybody want the first marshmallow?
Starting to look like Dudley's helmet.
All right.
- I think I'm halfway there. - Oh, in only one hour?
Bobby, you sure you wanna do that?
You could use one of the spare bags we got in the... tent!
Hey, Dudley, go get the water jug out of my bag!
I want... Kick, kick, kick, kick! Dirt! Dirt!
I got it!
That's camp-stove fuel!
No!
- This is the wrong jug! - You think?
Aw, God. This is supposed to be flame-retardant.
Guess it wasn't "Dudley-retardant".
All my drawers are burning.
Oh, perfect!
What are you doin'?
Hmm? Keeping my face out of the wind.
Hey. Oh! Boy, my ass is sore.
Mine, too.
It's Woody's fault for riding us so hard yesterday.
The human body wasn't made to straddle something that big for that long.
Well, you know, it's gonna hurt a little bit, but that's part of the experience.
That's why we didn't bring our wives.
What the... What the hell?
Somebody wanna explain to me why I'm the one in the dirt...
when I got sore jaws from three hours of blowin'...
Please, please for the love of God, finish your sentence.
Let's see, what, uh...
What exactly do we have here?
We got...
one, two, three men, in a bed... spooning?
This is not what it looks like.
This is a, uh... We, um... What is it, Woody?
Camping.
I'll tell you just exactly what it is there, Poindexter.
It is four counts of indecent exposure,
two counts of lewd, lascivious behavior, and...
one count... of pure jealousy.
- Huh? - How you doin'?
- Hey, look. - Whoa, we're not...
Thanks for waking us up, officer.
- Oh, it was actually... - I get it. You gotta get goin'.
That's terrific.
So five's a crowd? Is that what I'm gleaning here?
Five's... uneven number. Figure it out.
You guys can't see it, can you? You're too close.
You don't realize how lucky you are to have each other.
Oh, daddy... Damn lucky.
- I've always felt so. - I know what you've felt.
I have too.
- You wearing pants? - No.
Would you please put some pants on, for God's sake!
What a nice guy.
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
Whoo! Anybody else gotta take a leak?
- No. - No.
Hey, guys, last stop for quite a while.
I gotta pee again now.
Wow. I can smell them from here.
Gentlemen, that's the real deal.
What?
Now, that's "wild"!
Whoa, stop it!
Biker in trouble!
This is awesome!
Ah, thanks for waiting for me, jerks!
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, it's... Whoa, it's cold!
- What? - Why are you naked?
We're swimming. Did you guys keep your skivvies on?
Yeah. There could be snapping turtles or something in here.
I kept mine on cause I didn't want it to get dark in here.
I don't know, I thought we were doin' this wild and free thing.
Yeah, well...
More like old and lame, isn't it?
The high guy would've just... ripped 'em right off, you know,
back in the... back in the day.
- But the day's today, isn't it? - This isn't necessary.
Yeah, come on. Come on! Huh?
Now you see what you just started? You even got Doug out of his drawers.
What the hell, you know what I mean?
But everybody keep their distance.
I don't want the whole size thing to ruin our friendship.
Launching mine. Over your head, baby.
Whew. You guys are nuts.
Come on! Huh?
Fine. I will get naked with my gay friends,
and if any of them look at my junk, I will kill them.
Gentlemen, these are the good old days.
Come on, kids! Come on!
- Whoo! - Oh, no!
Last one in smells like uncle Eddie!
Aw, hell no.
Hope you guys don't mind some company. Minivan was getting a little crowded.
You know, there's a much shallower creek for kids just up the canyon there a little bit.
Oh, no, my kids like to dive. Marky, show this guy your dive.
No!
If you put your arms out like this, he does a backflip right into them.
Don't-don't do that, it's not a good idea.
Oh... hello. You gentlemen like potato salad?
We've got extra.
But, uh, you might wanna eat that way over there.
Uh, less ants and snakes.
The kids are comin'. The kids are comin'.
No, no... Oh, oh. Guys, guys, you can't swim over here.
Crawfish, big crawfish, they're snapping... Ah, ah...!
Crawfish!
Lemme see if I can catch one!
See? He's looking for crawfish!
- I told you! - He's gonna find a couple of them!
Where is he?
Marky! Cooper! Ava!
Let's, uh, let's get out of the water. Find a new spot.
Why, Hugh? This is such a nice...
Oh, my God.
- I didn't wanna do this. - Out of the water! Now!
Kids, listen to your dad.
- No! - Aw! We just got here!
Get out of the damn water, now! Run! Run! Run! Go!
Come on! Come on!
What's wrong with these people? Come on, go!
I'll bet her potato salad was really good.
- Maybe we should go. - Yeah, let's go.
Why? They ain't coming back!
Fellas! Forget about them!
More room for us, huh? Come on!
You like what you see? Huh? Let's get involved!
Whoo! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!
Whoo!
I saw your bikes over there and I...
Chicken fights, fellas?
No? Plan B.
- Marco... - Polo.
Mar... Marco...
Marco!
Thank you so much!
And, uh, I left a... window open, all right?
Oh, yeah. Now, this is a biker bar.
I'm buying, let's go.
Hope they've bran muffins. I'm a little bound up.
My damn leg's asleep!
Oh, it's got an emblem, too. An FLH emblem.
That is rare, man. Rare.
- Can you see this? - Oh, man. That's beautiful.
- What's wrong with you? - My legs are asleep.
- How 'bout this one? - Yeah.
You guys want beers?
I gotta find that guy with the '55 bike, man. It is beautiful.
Ooh. Nice tat. Where'd you get it?
Leavenworth. You?
Meadow Hills Galleria.
I don't think I've ever seen you guys around here before.
What's your, uh...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Wild Hogs.
That the name of your little gang?
It's not a gang. We're just friends riding from Cincinnati to the coast.
Hey, man. We in your seats?
- No. - Nah, cause we could just...
No. No, no, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no.
- ...we'll roll out. - No, n-n-no. No. I insist. Sit.
- Sit? - Sit. I insist.
I think I'm gonna join you fellas.
Actually, we have a...
Yeah, let's join 'em.
Make ourselves some nice new little friends.
- Nice patch. - Yeah.
Did you get your grandmother to needlepoint that for you?
Well, what's... what's going on with you there, uh, Cochise?
What's your story?
What is that supposed to be? Is he blind?
He wasn't when he walked in here.
Hey! I'm talkin' to you!
- You hear me? - He can hear fine.
Look, we're... We don't want any trouble.
I do.
Actually, that's what I'm... looking forward to the most.
That's what he's looking forward to!
I heard him say that. I heard him.
Shut up.
A'it, then.
You're looking for trouble?
You gotta be careful about Bobby here.
His temper's like a Roman candle.
Man... That's a damn lie!
On the other hand, Woody over here,
you get him mad, people get broke.
Doug makes kids cry.
- What? - Yeah. You make kids cry.
You made my child cry.
Your kid was crying before she got to me.
Oh, yeah. But I asked you to give her a lollipop. Be...
- It calms her down. - You can't give a lolli...
- All right, shut up! - You know what?
I think we better get out of here.
No. We'll get out of here at sundown.
After we've had our beverage.
Sundown, Hoss? What?
These are on me. You got the mocha lattes yesterday.
- Ah... - Hey, brother.
- Another Wild Hog! - Yep.
Yep-er-oonie. That's our gang.
Hey, uh, who owns that '48 Panhead outside?
- That's my '48. - Sweet ride.
I'm sick of it. How 'bout a trade there, brother?
- Dudley. Dudley, Dudley. - Oh. I wish.
I'm just on a Sportster. It's worth half of what yours is.
A Sportster? I grew up on a Sportster!
I've been wanting another Sportster!
No, no, no. It's even better than that.
In the gas tank is one of my shoelaces.
I dropped it in there when I was trying to get my calculator watch out.
- Dudley? - Dudley.
Dudley... You got a deal.
- Seriously? You're serious? - Think about it. He's not gonna trade the bike.
Dudley, I wanna see what you look like on that.
You're on.
Ah! Dudley! Dudley, no. No, wait a minute.
Yo, check this out.
Does anybody else get that "pre-rape" feeling?
I do.
Oh, oh, this is great!
No, no, no, no, no, no. This is Joker's Panhead.
I thought we were talking about this one.
Hey, your Panhead is over here.
Oh. I was talking about...
Nah, no, no, no, no. I got a better one for you.
It's right over here. The red one, the Panhead.
- Where? - Right there.
That's a Panhead. There're no other Panheads.
- That? - Yeah.
- That's a pile of junk. - Yeah. That's your pile of junk.
- He's just joking you. - You wanna know the joke?
The joke is suburban assholes who buy leather outfits
who think they're bikers. And it's a joke that I'm damn sick of.
You wanna know who a real biker is? Damien Blade.
He founded the Del Fuegos and he built this bar
for real bikers, not this!
Hey, we have a right to be bikers.
You don't have any rights. Shut up! I knew you assholes
the minute I laid eyes on you. Look at the four of you!
- You don't... you don't know us. - You don't think I know you?
What? You're probably a... a podiatrist
or a ear-nose-and-throat specialist.
- I wish. - Orthodontist?
Oh. Close enough.
And you, Bobby, guaranteed you're henpecked.
- Right? Your wife wears the pants. - You know my wife?
And you, you anal-retentive wimp,
guarantee you bag your own shit.
Wow, you're good.
- What color am I thinking of? - Shut up.
You're the biggest poser of them all,
aren't you, squinty?
Go home. Just go home.
Go home. You couldn't handle this freedom anyhow.
Get out of here. Go back to your safe little lives.
All right, guys, let's get our bikes. We'll get out of here.
You're not listening to what I'm sayin'. I'm taking your friend's bike
and you guys are gonna hit the road and go back
to wherever the hell it is that you came from. Do you understand?
I'm just saying we're gonna have to work something out.
All right. Let's work something out.
Hey! What's going on? Something break?
- What's up, man? What's up? - This is bullshit, man.
We should go back there and get Dudley's bike.
That's why we're stopping? What are you, nuts?
What we're gonna do is call the police.
I gotta borrow somebody's cell phone.
Einstein had us throw ours away, remember?
Hey, look, man, damn the bike.
He's just gonna have to roll with that little sidecar.
- Right. - Let's just-just get up outta here, man.
Oh, come on. The trip is over cause some tattooed bullies pushed us around?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I go where you go. - Good. See? He's got balls.
No. I mean my sidecar's attached to your bike.
I'd rather turn back. But, honestly, how far could I roll?
I'm not gonna let this happen to him.
I say we go back and we get his bike.
- You? - Yeah.
Who died and elected you pope? This isn't about Dudley, is it? This is about you.
You, you, you. All through high school it's always about you,
- and I am sick of it! - Oh, screw you, Doug.
It's not my fault you hate your life.
- I love my life. Why do you...? - Let me tell you something!
This trip was supposed to be about adventure!
But no. You're too busy dragging your baggage around to let that happen.
Well, thank you, dr. Freud.
Look, I'm not going back to get that bike
to satisfy your bruised ego. Are you guys with me?
- Oh, I'm with you. - Yeah, I agree.
There you go, Woody. We're not going back there with you.
- Should we go after 'im? - Probably.
- Are we going to? - Nope.
Come after us now... assholes.
- I'll be a son of a gun. - Oh, snap!
You did it! You got her back!
- Woo-hoo! - Ha-ha!
Who's your daddy?!
- You are my daddy! - Yeah, that's right, baby.
Aw, man!
- Thank you! - How'd you do it?
Okay, they were totally pissed off.
So I take a new tact. Reality.
So I said to 'em "Okay, assault us. No problem.
Because we may not be real bikers,
but we know real lawyers. And as soon as you touch us,
we'll sue you for everything you got and everything
you're gonna have." And they backed down.
They totally backed down. It was awesome.
- You really said that? - Yeah!
My man!
- Yeah! - Show me... show me love.
Show me love.
Hey, guess what. The trip's back on.
- It's back on! - The trip is on!
Wait. We're gonna go back that way, then?
Yeah, they don't care.
We should just, you know, do it before they change their minds.
- Pacific Ocean, here we come! - Whoo!
Son of a bitch. Come on. Come on!
Thanks, guys!
Those assholes got balls.
That I'm gonna... put in my mouth and chew on!
You're gonna put what in your mouth?
Come on, Del Fuegos, let's smoke those hogs!
- Let's go! - Come on!
What the hell...? Aw, shit!
Fire, fire! Fire, everybody.
Hey! Fire, come on, get off!
Fire, fire! Get away. Come on.
Get out of there! Get out of there!
Holy shit!
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Come on. Let's go!
What's your rush? My balls are still vibrating.
It's... It's the open road, man.
It's ridin' free, that's the rush.
This isn't freedom, this is a gas station!
Built by the man! A prison for our souls!
My soul needs something to drink.
I need gas.
We'll get gas at the next station.
Come on, Wild Hogs. Let's go!
Whoo-hoo! Let's ride!
Did I miss the espresso stop?
He's moving.
Yahoo!
Woody! You're an asshole.
They should've had a sign that said
"Last gas... X amount of miles."
I need... somethin' to drink. I'm thirsty... Or else I'm-a die!
You know, I keep... saving my spit so it's like a drink of water,
and it just keeps tasting like my... my spit.
They say you can get
something to drink out of a cactus. Right?
Where are the cactuses?
We're in a desert that don't have no damn cactuses.
Yeah.
Actually, I think when it's plural, it's "cacti".
- I'm killing 'im. - You're gonna kill 'im?
Hey, we're all thinking it, okay? We gonna need the nourishment.
He'll put up the least struggle.
- Move out of the way. - You love Dudley.
It's the sun. It's making us all crazy.
You're right, man. My-my-my bad, Dud.
You know, I don't know what came over me.
Dehydration. Your blood's thickening, so your heart's working harder
to pump it through your... arteries. Less gets to your head.
Our bodies are literally trying to drink themselves.
All right. I'm killing 'im.
Guys, wait a minute. Look, they got a sign up here. Look!
Curve of the road. Read it!
- Madrid? Spain? - No. It's Madrid.
That's what the locals say. I Googled it.
Gonna be water, food and gas...
- We're gonna live. - We gonna live!
We gonna live, baby!
- It's closed! - Ah, man! It's closed!
But the diner up here...
The diner's open! Come on!
Get me a drink, quick!
- We need water! - Quick!
- Hey! Come on! - Right here. Right here!
Whoa!
- Oh! Right here! Me! - Me! Me!
- You? - Me!
- Hey! - You!
They just were here three weeks ago and they're already getting violent.
It's okay, I got it.
- You gentlemen like a seat? - Is there a booth open?
Let's go!
- Oh, yeah. Uh, what? - Come on.
- Keep moving! - Uh, nice town.
So, uh, I...
Uh...
- She is perfect. - You like the waitress?
Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her,
but all I could think of was black jokes.
- Like which ones? - I forget.
Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whupped?
- Would that be funny? - I'll be laughing.
Oh, I'll be cracking up.
Oh, it's the law. Oh, boy.
- You boys here for the Chili Festival? - What, you have a problem?
You look like you just saw something explode or something in that area.
We're just passing through, man.
The people around here don't want any more trouble.
And me, I got no problem with you Del Fuegos
as long as you boys could stay sober...
No, no. No, we're... we're not associated with those assholes.
- You're not? - No.
- For real? - Yeah.
Folks, they're not Del Fuegos.
Are the Del Fuegos a problem around here?
Only if you expect 'em to pay for a meal they just ate
or a beer they just drank.
- Well, you on't have problems with us. - No, no. No.
- Then welcome to Madrid. - Excuse me, sheriff?
- Uh, the Del Fuegos? - Yeah.
Okay, now. Now, how often might they... come through this town?
Oh, once every few months.
- Oh? - Yeah. Yeah.
And-and, uh, the gas station, now when would that be open?
That's closed on Sundays. So tomorrow morning.
Oh, God.
But, you know, maybe you should seriously consider spending the night.
Because we're having the world's hottest chili contest.
The Chili Festival is not something you wanna miss.
Last year, somebody's throat actually started to bleed.
Oh, damn! Somebody's throat started to bleed?
Yeah. Changed their life.
It's great. Think about it.
We gotta get out of this town, man. This town is a drag. We gotta move on.
- We gotta find a way out. - Woody, chill out, man.
We finally get a chance to relax.
Yeah. And being able to use a bathroom,
- that might be a good idea. - And I can empty my poop bag.
You gonna re-use the bag?
Woody, remember the theme of this trip?
"Whatever", remember? "Whatever."
Okay, fine! Fine.
We'll stay the night and then we'll get gas in the morning. Okay?
Calm down. I just don't understand what your rush is.
I'm not in a rush, man. I just wanna ride, man.
I just wanna ride. You know?
Ride, Sally, ride!
You are so weird. He asks the... You say the weirdest things, man.
You're just like "We're digging the roots, buying real estate and shit."
Yeah. Why don't you just...
What?! What?
All right, everybody come here.
Come on.
All right.
We're here. Right?
They could be in any of these towns by now. Right around here. A'it?
We're gonna find them, we're gonna get 'em.
I don't know, Jack.
I mean, by my calculations, I'm-I'm thinking, you know,
if they're... four hours ahead of us...
Shut up! Anybody else wanna tell me how hard this is gonna be?
Huh? Are there any other naysayers?
Good. I want you to break up into two-man teams.
You call me when you find 'em.
Oh, snap. A softball pitch.
You-you... I gotta win somethin' for my girls.
Wait a minute. You think you're good at this?
Oh, I know I'm good at this.
Hey, on my Little League team, they used to call me "Bull's Eye Bobby".
- Yeah. - Cause I had pinpoint control.
Right.
A hundred and forty-four innings, and never walked a single batter, baby.
Watch me work, baby.
- Here you go. - How you doin'?
- All right. Good luck. - Thank you.
All right, Bull's Eye Bobby, folks!
Bull's Eye Bobby, baby.
It's probably been, what? Twenty-eight years, Bulls Eye?
- Hey. - Hi.
So, um...
- Excuse me? - Never mind.
- So you like chili? - Oh, yeah. Not the hot stuff.
But you put a nice, mild turkey chili in front of me?
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna eat it.
That's too bad, cause I wanted you to try mine, but...
- it's pretty hot. - No, I'll try it!
I like your kinda hot. The... In your chili. The chili hot. Food hot.
That's the kinda hot I wanna kiss. Eat.
Okay. If you're sure you can handle it.
Handle it? I'm a biker.
- What's you call him? - Bull's Eye Bobby!
Bull's Eye Bobby, baby.
- Yeah, Bull's Eye. - Ha-ha-ha!
Yep.
Oh...
- I guess that counts as a walk? - I'm gonna sit.
Mmm.
Smooth. Tasty. Little... spice.
It gets a little hotter as it sits in your throat down there.
You okay?
You want some of this? It'll cool you down.
Don't worry, your throat won't actually bleed.
I understand.
Mother of God! I swallowed hot lava!
Hundred and forty-four innings,
you never hit anybody in the crotch like that?
Not on purpose, man, all right? You all right?
- Yeah, it's... Good fastball. - Hey. I'd like you boys
to meet my deputies, Earl and Buck Dooble.
- How are you, Earl? - I'm Earl. He's Buck.
- Earl, Buck. - Now, just remember:
Brother with the word "ear" in his name has got both on his head.
See, I can only say that cause I'm on his right side,
which, as you can see, is mostly blown off.
- You say something, Earl? - No, I did not.
Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore.
I mean, sometimes you pull 'em out,
you think they're not loaded, and then sometimes...
- They blow your deputy's ear off? - Yeah.
So, what brings you boys on this trip, anyway?
Firstly, we had to get away, okay?
And secondly, you know, you just... never know
how many more summers you got left.
- Do you? - Wow. That's deep.
I just came on this trip,
you know, hoping to... reclaim the old Doug, you know?
You know, I know exactly what you mean.
You know, you can never let life get too stagnant or too safe.
Every now and then you gotta do
what we folks around here like to call "Slap the Bull".
What's a "Slapping the Bull"?
That's just a... little game we play
to make sure your life is not controlled by fear.
Yeah, I wanna do that.
Oh, come on, guys. We're exhausted.
I think we should just... put the bikes in back of the hotel,
in a shed with the doors closed, perhaps, and then... play Scrabble
in the... in the room with the... with the shades down.
Look, Aunt Bee, maybe you wanna do something else here in Mayberry.
Yeah.
- Hey, Bobby. How 'bout a little Bull Slap? - That sounds like somethin' I could win at.
- Yeah. - I-I'll take a little Bull Slap.
Yeah, look, Bull Slap for everybody. Come on. Line 'em up.
- Let's have a little Bull Slap. - We'll do it!
So literally, we're gonna slap a bull?
Yep. Right on the ass. And then you're gonna wanna hightail it outta there.
- Why? - Cause he can kill you.
- Mm-hmm. - Perfect.
Hey, man, I thought this was a drinking game.
Yeah, you know, you got a lot of animals I would slap.
But I, you know... A chicken, I'd slap a chicken or a goat, maybe.
A ferret, I'd slap, you know?
But I'm not... I'm not gonna slap a bull.
Oh, come on, Doug. It was your idea. Get in there!
I didn't know we had to slap so... Look at the nuts on that thing!
Come on!
- It's not safe, Woody. - It's not safe. You know what?
- You snooze, you lose. I'm going. - You're gettin' ready to do that?
- Yep! - Oh!
You jackass. Go ahead, Woody. Hope you're wearing a cup.
- Right on the ass. - He looks confident.
Easy.
Whoa!
Come on, get back, now!
Way to get back!
I just slapped a big fat bull on the ass!
That was awesome! Who's next?
- Uh, Doug? - Doug?
Yeah, no, that'd be you, yeah.
Come on, Doug. Do it!
You know, it's... it... you could...
That's really an, um...
Doug, go.
- Come on, man! - Handle your business.
- It was easy. - I'm not gonna...
Yeah, come on! It's fun!
Old days, Doug. Old days.
All right, all right, I'm gonna slap a bull.
- I'm gonna... slap that bull. - There you go.
- That's my Doug! - There he goes.
Just slap it right there on the rear end, huh?
Right on the hind haunches.
You know, this is so good for Doug.
- Actually, it's good for all of us. - Yeah.
Hey, Charlie, thanks for bringing us here, man.
Sure. Glad we could help.
Yeah, we never seen it done twice in a row.
- Mm-mmm. - What?
I-i-it'll be interesting to see how the bull takes being slapped
- Mm-hmm. - ... now that he's alert.
- Mm-hmm.
Alert?!
Get back!
- Hurry! - Hey! Come on.
Ow! Ow!
He coming back!
Bull!
He coming back! He coming back! Oh...!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! He almost got me!
Come on! What's this bully want? Come on, bully!
You don't wanna use mockery! That never works!
Cowboy's in trouble!
Woody! Maybe if you just try to reason with...
- He's coming back for more! Look out! - Whoa!
He's more afraid of you than you are of him!
Watch out!
Watch out, watch out. Come on!
- Come on, let's go, let's go! - Oh!
What?!
- Yeah, man, this is living! - Yeah, we slapped a bull... in the ass!
- Yes, sir! - Yeah!
Yeah, you sure did.
- You sure did! - Hey, did y'all see my moves?
I was shaking and baking, just like the NFL, baby!
You hear what I'm sayin'?
I delivered it right to the end zo...!
- Hey, look at him. - He threw Bobby ten feet in the air.
It was awful.
Hey, man, that damn bull kept following me around.
- You think it was my cologne? - What are you wearing, uh, Rodeo Clown?
- Hold on... - So now you got jokes?
Hey, Woody, you know,
I apologize for saying you had ego issues earlier. All right?
I'm sorry I called you a pussy.
You didn't call me a pussy.
No, not... to your face, but that's what I was thinking!
Hey, we're just saying how much fun this trip's turned out to be.
I was so close this time! So close!
What's the matter, Dudley?
The waitress. I think she likes me.
- Good. - No, it's not good.
She told me to meet her on the dance floor.
- So? - So? Go dance.
I can't go on the dance floor. You know what I look like.
The music moves me, but it moves me ugly.
Well, do that... sprinkler thing you did at my wedding.
- Yeah, sprinkler. - No, I can't do the sprinkler.
I've gotta... I need to...
- No. - Yes.
I said no.
Oh, keep it simple, why don't we just, uh...
We'll do the lindy. All right? I'll be the guy, you be the girl.
There we go. And it's just... Remember?
- Okay. Yeah, right. - It's one and two
and three and four, and turn her around,
- and start over again. - Do it two times, and...
- Whatever you want. - I'll be the guy.
- Be the guy, I'll be the girl. - Ready?
And... one and two and three and four.
One and two and three and four, and turn me around...
- Oh, yeah! Now we're... - Oh, okay, that's enough.
- That's, uh, good lesson. - What? No, wait. Is that it?
- Yeah, that's enough. - That's just a pocket knife.
There she is. You're ready. Go.
- Yeah, let's do it. - I'm ready.
You're ready. Come on. Go.
Yeah!
- Whoo! - Check it out.
- Oh! - Ahh!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- He's panicking. - He's panicking.
- Hey! That's my phone! - Your minutes just expired.
- Baby! Baby, it's Murdock. - Tell me you found them.
We did. They're in Madrid.
Good! Good, good, good, good. I like Madrid!
The ground is soft enough to bury them in.
You want us to smack 'em around a little?
No! No! No, no, no, no, no. Listen to me!
You just make sure they stay there. Okay?
But do not touch them. They're mine.
I wanna feel their bones break under my fists.
Sounds like a good beating, Jack.
We'll leave 'em for you, then.
Anyone else want some Wild Hog for breakfast?
Yee-ha!
You expect me to pay for this piss-warm beer?
Here, you can have it back.
If we drank piss, we'd drink it cold!
What?!
Wait, guys, guys, guys, guys, look...
We don't drink piss!
Hey, hey.
Hey, Woody. Maybe it's time to give these guys
another one of your famous talks.
We just avoid them, guys, okay? We... I-I've handled this legally. We should just go.
You know what? I'm talking to these assholes this time, Woody.
You shouldn't have to do it twice.
No!
You took care of them the last time, and I just sat there.
But this time, you know what? They wanna see rage? Watch me.
- Bobby, Bob... - Whoa!
Hey, assholes!
You boys got a hell of a lot of trouble coming. You know that, right?
I'm gonna tell you again,
like my friend told your stupid-ass, cracker-ass, inbred buddies...
Did he just say "cracker"?
- "Cracker-ass." - Oh, perfect.
You touch us, and we'll sue your ass so hard,
you'll be taking out a loan just to piss.
Now, if that ain't clear enough for you, maybe this is: splash.
Huh? Got it? Did I get it in your mouth?
Splash! Splash! Splash! Did I get you on some of that?
Well, you crossed a little line right there.
No, no, no, no, no! It ain't worth it, man.
Jack'll kill us if we touch him.
- So just... - Yeah, break some of that up.
Got a little treat for you.
Huh? Break a little of that up.
Can you hear that? Can you hear that?
Uhh! Uhh!
Uhhh!
- That's not a discussion. - No, that's a lawsuit.
- Aw, look at that. - What?!
That's gonna stain.
You boys look like you belong on a couple of hot dogs.
Now...
if there's any other Del Fuegos that need that message repeated,
you tell 'em that the Wild Hogs...
are right here in Madrid, baby...
ready to explain it again. You got that?
I said: you got that?!
Sweet mother of mercy!
Huh?!
He don't want it. He don't want it. I'm hungry.
Let's evacuate! Come on!
- Beer, here! - Wild Hogs, I gotta tell you,
you don't know how many broken windows
you guys saved this town.
Sheriff, it's the least we could do for our new friends here in Madrid.
- Right, Bobby? - Wild Hogs!
Wild Hogs!
That's some good work you did there, Bobby.
Hey, thank you, sheriff.
Now look, you know, if you need somethin' done, just come to me.
You know what I mean? Cause I will beat shit down.
Let's say them peanuts are bothering you.
Huh? Huh? I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear it!
What'd the sheriff tell you? What'd the town people tell you?
What the...? You know what I mean?
I ain't got no problem with it, sheriff. I ain't got... I got no problem with it.
Yeah. Yeah. That's all right.
This is great. Right, Woody?
- Huh? - You all right?
Yeah...
- I'm gonna call Kelly. - Yeah.
Remind her just what kind of a stud she married.
All right, yeah, you do that.
Hey, hey, Bobby!
Next time, I handle those bozos, eh?
The wrath of Dudley! Wild Hogs!
Tequila, on the Wild Hogs.
In New Mexico. We actually slapped a bull.
Slapped it right on the ass.
Doug, you have no idea how turned on I am right now,
- but please just be careful. - Yeah, we're like celebrities here.
- Well, Bobby is. - Man, I crush them cashews.
- Macadamia nuts? - Oh, macadamia nut?
I'd kick it out the park.
Hey! And guess who dropped by to say hello.
Karen. Yeah, I think she's feeling a little lonely.
- Who's that? - Oh, it's-it's Doug.
He says they're all having a great time on the road trip.
Kelly, don't tell her about the...
Road trip?!
Hey! Dudley, don't you wanna come inside?
I'm fine. I'm just gonna, um,
sit out here for... a little while, I think.
Okay. You okay?
I'm fine. I'm... uh...
No, the truth is I'm not okay.
The truth is I like you a lot, Maggie.
I'm liking you a lot too.
See, that's... that's what I was afraid of.
That you would like me without knowing...
Without me telling you...
I'm not a cool biker, Maggie.
I'm not a cool anything.
I'm a computer programmer. I'm just a geek.
I'm sorry if you thought I was somebody that I'm not.
Mm-mm. You're not a... a geek.
- You're a lot of fun. - Hmm.
And you're... really honest.
You're really sweet.
You're the kind of guy that's hard to find.
Sorry.
Try again. One more time.
All right, Bobby! All gassed up!
- Whoo! All gassed up, baby! - All right. Let's get Dudley. Let's go!
- Clive, what's up? - Hey! My man!
What you know? No good? All right. Okay, baby.
Wait a minute. We're going to high altitudes. I think we should check our tire pressure.
Ho-ho, no, no, little buddy.
We gotta ride. We gotta get going, okay?
We got new experiences and new locations, right?
We can't leave, man. I'm like the mayor of this town.
- My people need me. - I said we're leaving!
Hey, guys.
We decided we wanna have breakfast here.
Come on! Hey, cowboy! Let's saddle up, okay?
You're burning daylight. Let's go!
You got a problem with hanging around this town a few more minutes?
Do I look like I have a problem? Do I?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Well, there you go again. Saying the weirdest shit.
Del Fuegos! Hide the bikes! Quick!
- Why, why, why? - Just do it! Trust me!
What's wrong? Why are we hiding?
- What's going on? - I don't know.
- Holy God! - Hey! Why are we hiding?
You took care of this already, didn't you, Woody?
No, not like you think, okay?
Well, what is it that I think?
I didn't really talk to them, okay?
- You serious? - I knew something was wrong.
Dudley, you're like, uh, you're usually like "I'm all stupid, you know..."
- It's not Dudley's fault! - "... take my bike,
"give me a piece of junk, I'm happy."
You guys are all, "I'm scared. Let's get out of here."
- Whatever. - It's our fault?
Now, the Del Fuegos are all, "You're nothing, you know."
- "We're real bikers." - This isn't about us!
- What did you do to them? - What did you do, Woody?
I...
I... cut the gas lines of their bikes.
Then I...
- What? - Maybe blew up their bar.
- Oh! - Ah, perfect!
- Oh, we're dead! - Oh, come on!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
That means they're just here to kill us.
No sign of 'em, Jack.
Wild Hogs!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
I finally meet a girl, and now I'm gonna die.
So, all the mustard and the ketchup...
didn't help the situation, huh?
Ohhh!
Oh, you don't wanna come out? We'll wait!
There's only one road out of this town!
We own it!
Me and my boys will be in this lovely little diner here!
Get out of here! The longer you keep us waiting,
the worse it's gonna get for the peaceful town of Madrid!
Jack! I'm going to ask you not to.
What did you say, you little turd?
- What he say? - He called him a turd.
- Let's go! - Enjoy.
Okay, I made a mistake.
Woody, we could have just went home, man, and been fine.
Yeah, well, you know, maybe I don't have a home.
Claudia left me.
Three months ago she left.
Then I fell apart... lost my clients...
then I... lost my job.
Now I gotta sell the house and I gotta sell the car...
Can't even get the-the lawn raked, you know?
Now I just got the bike and I got you guys. That's all I got.
So this trip is all about you running away
from your miserable, screwed-up life?
A-a-a-and you screw up our lives? Asshole!
I'm sorry about your situation, Woody, but you're a lying asshole.
- Which is like an asshole's asshole. - Well, you know, I thought that...
I thought that maybe being a Wild Hog meant something. But clearly it doesn't.
You don't care about me! That's fine. I don't care.
It doesn't mean anything, Woody!
Remember, it's just a patch my wife made!
We should go somewhere to yell at each other
where there aren't people trying to kill us.
Hey, Maggie.
Thanks for letting us hide in your house.
Yeah, thanks.
It's kinda hard not to when you're screaming and kicking down the door.
Hey. You okay?
Mm. Yeah. Diner's the only thing I have.
If that gets destroyed, it's...
But you're safe. You guys are safe.
Now just stay put.
Nobody has to go out there and be a hero.
You got that right.
You guys aren't going out there?
You're the sheriff. Why don't you go out there?
Like sheriff of a town of 500 people,
I got my qualification from a course on the Internet.
For arms training, they just told us to play Doom.
I say we just wait it out,
they'll lose interest, and they'll go.
Yeah, I agree. Wait it out.
Hey. Where's Dudley?
Oh, Dudley, don't do that.
All right, you Del Fuegos...
Hey!
Let's end this.
At least one of you came out to face the music.
Very brave. But stupid.
I didn't come to face any music.
I came here to stop you fellas from hurting this diner,
which the love of my life just happens to own.
So, if it's gotta get ugly... I'll give you ugly.
It slipped out of my glove.
Hey! Is it okay if I tell people you guys did that?
I... I should be getting back. It's late.
The guys are gonna be worrying. We'll talk later.
Guys! Guys!
No, no. You don't get to hide out here with us.
You get to hide outside with those crazy people that wanna kill us.
- They got Dudley. Look out the window. - What?
All right, this is what's gonna happen, Wild Hogs!
You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of 10,000 dollars!
Plus another 40,000 to rebuild the bar!
And if you wanna see your friend alive again,
do not call the cops!
If you're not here in a half an hour to settle this,
I'm gonna take the fine out on your friend's legs!
I'm gonna break 'em with this tire iron!
Don't bring the money!
I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Fine! I'll break his hands!
- Yeah! - Damn it.
Bring the money!
Definitely! Definitely bring money!
- Get him out of here! - Now! We need money!
Dudley went there to save the diner, now they're gonna break his hands.
No, they're not. Cause we're gonna... We're gonna get him back.
I called in the highway patrol. They're gonna be here in two hours.
Hey, man. They said no cops, or else they gonna take it out on Dudley.
We don't wanna piss 'em off until we get him out of their hands.
Well, you know, he's-he's not exactly in their hands now, okay?
Why not? He was sitting right...
- What the...? - Get me down!
Why? You look good up there!
You look like a piņata with red hair!
I think... I think I'm gonna keep you up there till your buddies come!
And then if they don't, I'm gonna bust you open
and we're gonna see what falls out!
Bobby! Woody! Doug!
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go get 'im.
There you go talking crazy again.
- They will kill you. - No, I'm not talking crazy.
I have three people left in my life that I care about,
and I let you guys down.
Nah. I'd rather go out there and make it go right
and die doing it than be the asshole that screwed everything up.
Hey, hey, Woody, Woody, where you going?
Woody!
Don't you know hogs run in packs, baby?
We're still Wild Hogs?
- Wild Hogs, man. - Wild Hogs.
All right, here's how it's gotta go.
I gotta get up to 30 miles an hour on a short distance.
It's only duct tape holding that rope out there.
I'll get him by the trunk and I'll grab 'im, I'll save Dudley.
You'll need a distraction.
Together, guys. Together we can do this. I'm ready. I'm ready.
I'm ready.
- What? - What's wrong?
- It's gonna sound kind of stupid. - What?
Well, before I go, I need one of you to yell,
"It's the Golden Knight!" You know, it helps me get in the mood.
Yeah, baby!
- It helps motivate me. - He's back!
It's the Golden Knight...
With gusto, though.
- Now? - Now!
Holy crap, it's the Golden Knight!
Clear 'em out, boys! Clear 'em out!
Del Fuego! Come out and play, baby!
All day, baby! All day!
Thirty-five, thirty-five, exactly thirty-five!
Wild Hogs, baby! Wild Hogs!
Okay, guys, slow down. You're gonna...
Oh, no, no, no... Ooh... Whoa!
Du-Dud-Dudley!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho... - All right, I gotcha. I gotcha.
- You having fun? - That was amazing!
The tape was supposed to break!
- Oh... - There it goes.
- Is there a problem? - Come on. Come on!
You burned down Damien's bar,
you pull this little circus act out here,
now you're gonna see what it's like when you mess with us.
- That's right. - Burn down the diner!
- Torch it! - Look, look...
We can come up with the money,
I got a little bit in my savings.
I did it. I cut the fuel lines.
Let me deal with it. Let these guys go.
No! We're not gonna pay any money and we're not calling the cops.
We're gonna stand here and fight.
You don't want our money.
What do you need money for? You're free.
You know, you're just here to... get what you get
from the townspeople all the time, fear,
because you're scary people. People'll do anything to stay safe,
including give up the biggest part of their lives, their adventure.
I say let's have a little adventure, huh? Let's fight. Let's dance, huh?
- Let's do it! - Enough's enough.
- Let's kick some Del Taco ass. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do either of you guys have a knife or scissors?
A nail clipper?
All right, so how do we do this?
Like high school? A little circle, huh?
Murdock, Red, Tiny. Four on four.
- Body or face, pretty boy? - Not the face.
Ow!
- I'll take him. - Thank you!
- Trade back! Trade back. - I got him.
It's not really fair, you know. I'm kinda tied up.
You ever see a hook off the jab? Huh? Bring it!
Let's have a little fun, baby.
Let's play.
Golden Glove, baby.
Ow! Ow! You hit my helmet.
Are you okay, man? You hurt your hand?
That actually really hurt.
Good shot! Get off!
Uh-oh, no, no, no, no, don't...
- Throw sand! - What?
- Throw sand! - Yeah...
I didn't mean to aim there...
Whoo! Nice...
Damn! I knocked out my boy!
Come on. You all right?
Well, that was easy.
- Come on. - Burn down the diner!
- Yeah! - Come on!
- Oh, good. You want some more? - I got nothing to lose.
I got no wife. No job. No house.
I got my friends, though. I got them till the end.
- Oh! - That's great!
You know, you know what's so stupid about this?
We wanted to be like you guys. You know, cause what I see here
is just a bunch of grown men
whose biggest decision in life is "Uh, sleeveless or, uh... sleeveless?"
"Do I shit behind the rock, or over there by that bush?"
Grown men. This is pathetic.
You go ahead and kick our ass, okay?
Because we're not the posers. You guys are the posers.
Ow!
Hey! Do yourselves a favor and stay down!
Twenty-five years of being yelled at.
Man, I ain't taking this...
And I got a girlfriend. Punch that out of me, bitches.
- Oh. - Are we doing this?
- Let's do it. - Yeah.
Come on.
You're kiddin' me, right?
What's wrong with you guys?
All right! You wanna keep goin'?
I don't think so.
You're done, Jack. You Del Fuegos! You are done!
And we want you out of our town, now.
- And who's "we"? - All of us.
If four people could stand up to a gang of bikers,
I guess we can too!
Well, we'll fight you and the Children of the Corn too.
Cause the Del Fuegos don't back down! This is our highway.
And we're gonna defend our highway.
Wrong, Jack.
- It's my highway. - Blade.
Hi, Maggie.
- Hmm. Bar burned down. - Yeah.
These posers, these four posers right here.
Four guys stand off 50 bikers...
- and they're the posers? - Yeah.
They burned down the bar that you built.
It was a shithole.
I insured it for twice what it was worth.
The guys did me a favor.
We were just following the code that you wrote.
Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack?
Why do you think I ride alone?
Cause you don't know about it anymore.
I think you all oughta get back on your bikes and go out and ride the highway
until you remember what riding's all about.
Let it go, Jack.
- Okay, pop. - Takes after his mom.
Man, that was like level 12 of Doom.
The posers.
- What do you guys call yourselves? - I'm Woody.
- I'm Bobby. - I'm Doug.
No, no, no. You all riding together?
- What you, what you... - Hogs! Wild Hogs.
- Wild... - Yeah, Wild Hogs.
Well, Wild Hogs, ride hard or stay home.
- Yeah. - Oh, guys? Lose the watches.
- Freedom, baby. - We did it, babe.
All day. All day.
Hey! Hey! We're the Wild Hogs! The saga continues!
What the hell?
What in the world is going on around here?
Plumbing conference? Have you lost your mind?
Shut up, Doug!
Bobby, who are these people, and where are we at?
Well, obviously, I'm not at a... plumbing conference in Cleveland, baby.
Oh, really?
Baby, I've been fighting bikers all day,
this little Chinese dude bust my nose,
I've been slapping bulls...
Bobby, I don't give a damn about you fightin' no bulls!
Now, I want you to get your ass in that van
because we are going home.
I cannot believe that you'd deceive me like this!
- Karen... - No, Bobby, I want...
Karen!
Slow your roll.
Look, baby, I love you. Okay?
But I'm tired of being talked at.
I don't talk at you, Bobby!
- Bobby, I talk... - Karen, look at what you're doin' now.
Come on. You feel me?
Okay, baby, all right, all right, I feel you.
Right now, I just need you to show me some love.
Just a little bit o' love.
Mmm...
That's scrumptious.
You seriously got in a fight with bikers?
Yeah, a whole bunch of 'em. We-we-we chased 'em out of town!
There was 50 of them.
- It was... it was something. - Fifty?
I gotta tell the guys about this. That is awesome!
I'll be right back.
Doug, are you sure you're okay?
- Ow, ow, ow, ow... - Oh, your ribs, your ribs.
- No, no, you're standing on my foot! - Oh, sorry!
So I'll see you when I get back?
- Mm-hmm. - All right?
- Mmm. I love you. - I love you too, baby.
All right.
- Get a room, baby. - Can we? Do we have time?
- When you coming back through? - A biker never knows.
Maybe a week.
Maybe a month.
Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes,
give or take... six minutes for wind resistance.
Well, I sure do wish you guys would stick around.
We got some riding to do, sheriff. But thanks anyway.
Well, I'll just say it:
You fellas were a blessing to this place.
I mean, I'm not gonna get all emotional
like old hamburger head over here always...
What did you just call me?
Uh, see, when we walked up, you were on my...
You son of a bitch!
Come on, Buck, I swear. That's the first time!
- I don't wanna hear it! - Well, honestly, you can't.
I heard that.
- Ready to ride, guys? - Ready to ride, baby.
Let's see what the West Coast has to offer.
Think there'll be any trouble along the way?
- Oh, I hope so. - Yeah, I like the way you think.
I like the way you think.
I'm okay! I just hurt my face.
Wow!
- Hey, we did it! - Woo-hoo!
Do you believe this?
- Hello! - Whoa, my goodness.
Whoa, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh! Whoa!
Whoa! Ah!
Sorry, sorry.
Two thousand miles, but I finally got it.
'Bout time, rookie!
- Lot of distractions. - California, baby!
Welcome back to Extreme Makeover Home Edition.
Now, we've met some incredible families,
but this could be the saddest story we've...
We've ever seen.
This family has lost everything.
They've lost their home, they've lost their history,
they've lost their heritage.
But this week, we've done something about that.
So let's welcome back... the Del Fuego family!
Jack, two months ago, man,
you lost the only home you ever knew.
But thanks to a phone call from your friends, the Wild Hogs,
we built you a new one.
That's so great.
They... He didn't have to mention us. That's... Oh, man.
So you guys know what to say?
- Say it with me! - Bus driver, move that bus!
Oh!
Wow!
You know, usually we have some pretty emotional reactions,
but, uh, Jack, you know, wow.
I'm not sure... what was going on with Jack.
Oh...
Thanks to our friends at Sears and local breweries,
who provided state-of-the-art taps and a year's supply of free beer!
Oh, my God! That is so cool!
Cool as a parking lot made out of real leather?
- Oh! - That is so rad!
That is so rad!
The bar was... my home. When it went down,
I-I felt... homeless.
Del Fuegos, go check out your new home!
Here's the thing. You're talking about a bunch of guys
that grew up in broken homes. They really didn't even have a home.
And now they've got one. With a bidet in it.
Thank you!
We love our bar. Thanks, America!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Wild Hogs!