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Alright folks, can we all settle down for a second?
Oops! I know that you... hey you settle down
On a high point everybody settle down
Sandy Gruber..c'mon..now now guys it is not a time to make silly jokes ...
it's a time for a little bit of talking before we really get to the important part.
Here we go, well it's been another great year here at JAMS.
Who can forget Mr.Pinkus' haunted classroom
Thank you Sandy, for that.
And I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
Or the wild success of
the book drive for women's prison which Mrs.Pavicic's class sponsored
Thank you Beth, but as summer draws upon us, it's time not only to say goodbye to another school year
but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members
Yes,..Elizabeth..is Elizabeth Halsey here? There she is..
Elizabeth can you come on up here? Yes that's appropriate applause, I think.
Elizabeth, even though you are only with us for one short year..
Please know that we will always consider you part of the JAMS family.
And we got you a little something.
Oh! Thank you.
Wow..almost $40, thank you.
You're very welcome, speech?
Ok well, I'm really terrible at this types of thing so, I'll make it quick
Ah, I know i've only been here a year, but there's so much I will miss.
My students, probably most.
And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better.
But, between four classes and planning a wedding my plate was full
still, I know that our students are in good hands.
And even though I'll never teach again professionally.
I've realised that I dont need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example.
Adios, bitches!
Baby doll.. I'm home.
In here..
Get yourself hot coz I'm gonna suck your dick like I'm mad at it
Oh! Look, your moms here. Hi Mom, what a fun surprise.
Suitcases, honey are we going on a trip?
Aah..Elizabeth, we need to talk. - Sure.
I'm starting to think that maybe we need to take a break
Forever...
- Mom! Tell her what the accountant said. - Mom!
Steven said that you spend $16,000 last month.
He thinks you're bad news - I know women like you.
Damnit Mom! I told you I could handle this - I just want to ask her something.
You truly love my son? - I love him so much it hurts.
Alright then, when is his birthday? - Mom...
I'm not..you know..that is just offensive that you would even ask me that
It's today..
I know.. That's why I got you this okay
honey, happy birthday
Austin Market?
Okay fine, I'll sign the prenup.
It's over, Elizabeth.
Mark, I'm pregnant.
- Bullshit - No you're not
Okay fine, I'm not actually pregnant.
You know what, I'm starting to wonder ...
whether this is always been about the money. You never loved me.
I dont love you?
I have been listening to you whining about opera for the last year.
Okay, If the younger generation doesn't get into opera then guess what? No more opera!
An art form has died
If opera goes away, we're fucked.
I want my ring back.
What am I supposed to do? Huh? Where am I supposed to go?
3 MONTHS LATER
There she is, Elizabeth Halsey. Wooooo...
I am so excited we're gonna be across-the-hall mates.
But I'm so sad..it's because your relationship ended
Who are you again? - Amy Squirrel.
Squirrel? - Yeah, you know.
Don't worry, you were..kind of a long bolf last year and so... busy planning the ... wedding
I found him in bed with somebody else - Oh my Gosh
It was a another man - shut the front door!
Look..I know you kinda skated by last year doing the bare minimum thing
but I just wanna say, now you're back, I just know you are gonna get your teaching on
I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples
well, I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them
That's just something I say sometimes - Stupid.
Uh sorry..I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch
I'm kind of in the middle of something, Lynn - my treat.
You know, Lynn when I first started teaching
I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons
Shorter hours, summers off, no account credibility...
oh, I love my summers... fresh corn... mmmm
from now on, my full time job is finding a guy who's gonna take care of me
God I pray for that
You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice
Had some fun, got some cool souvenirs But those guys are not looking to settle down
i mean.. They all wear condoms..then, they take the condoms with them, that's how paranoid they are
like it's so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom
yeaa... ugh! You're gonna find someone great Right?
I've been thinking about it a lot, I'm like an 8, 8 and a half..but if I got a new pair of tits.. Right?
You!..don't wanna do that, you're already so pretty
You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types
yea..that's true, we're not getting any younger yea..we should finish up
Wally's got that big orientation in the auditorium
Yea, I'm not gonna hear that - Oh..it's mandatory.
I'll probably won't go either.
Huh..no I might, I probably going to sit in the back, maybe leave early
maybe stay the end half..play by ear or just stay the end.
Okay..oh! This was fun, huh?
Welcome to Air 7th Grade Social Studies I'll be your captain, Miss Squirrel.
Crews announce tour for the world geography through current events, we may have a way over in civics, so buckle up
cause it's gonna be a crazy ride
The photographer who was like... so nice he made me feel like really really comfortable
I might get flown to Kansas City for their Fashion Week
Kansas City. - Stalk much?
Bhuhhrr! Loser..
Hi, I'm Sasha Abernathy, My mother baked these cookies for you..
Just leave them on the desk..
You need something?
Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show hands..
..You kidding me? Edward James Olmos?
Lou Diamond Phillips?
Well, alright.. You... and you grab the TV and roll it up front
we're watching a movie on the first day? - I think it's awesome.
You rock!
These cookies suck
incoming..
Elizabeth Hey,.. Russell
Russell Gettis, gym teacher We did busted together last spring
Yea - So, I heard about the whole engagement thing ... that blows.
Know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog? Peanut butter everywhere
that's gross... anyway ...
hey, uh.. May be too soon, but you wanna like..grab a bite or something sometime
you still a gym teacher? - I am, yea
then No
I dont date coworkers - I wont tell anyone
I also said no.. - Okay cool, well it's been awesome
something's got a case of a sleepyss.
What? - Did you see the colsaw of education?
Yea, one kid ..hit the other kid with some colsaw..
You weren't at the orientation the other day.. Okay!
Boy, Elizabeth... You missed a boat load of stuff
anyways, at the orientation I suggested a new system for supervising lunch
it's a quadrant system
I tell you what... why dont you just send me memo and if I have any questions, I'll find you
Oh! OOh! Yeah Meant to ask..
Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?
How do I know what you heard?
Listen, I dont wanna tell you how to run your class but..
Maybe it might be fun to try some icebreakers..
Like telephone charades, or this string game..
Are we gonna have a problem, me and you?
No,..Eli.. If I gave you that impression well.... ah!.. I'm so sorry
because ..actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates
I don't know what you heard but I don't need muff pie (vagina)
No, of course not I don't even know what that is..I..
Just meant friends - tell you what, friend..I've gotta get going, cover me
Elizabeth, lunch isn't for another seven ...minutes...
...whos gonna watch your quadrant?
Hi, there.. You look like Losty MC Losterson..
I know right? Can you tell me where room 107 is?
I'll take you there - Oh. You dont have to do that
Oh! Stop it, be my pleasure.
Scott Delacorte. - Elizabeth Halsey.
I am the new sub. - Welcome welcome
Thank you. - Is that a Jaeger-LeCoultre?
Good eye
thanks, I love men's watches, it's kind of a hobby
you know sometimes I get self-conscious about it but...
My grandfather made it, so.. - Oh your grandfather designs watches?
The family business, yea my mother's maiden name is Lecoultre
shut up! So did you and your wife just moved to town? - I'm not married
I actually just got out of a relationship. Catherine
it's been a year, she's still the wallpaper on my phone
she has such a big heart - Looks like enormous
As you can see the weight is evenly distributed and there is minimal scar...
Dr. Vogel, best hands in Chicago
May I? - Absolutely, take em' for a spin
God! Wow! Yea..these are amazing - Thank you.
And the nipples..oh.. - I know
I'll take two
the total is $9300 for the surgery, plus one night stay at our facility
How would you like to pay?
That's absurd.. I'm a teacher not a drug dealer
We accept all major credit cards - yeah well.. My credit situation is little.. Complicated
I'm sorry, but if you can't pay, then I can't schedule the appointment
I'll be back
I'm rooming with a guy I met on craigslist all I'm asking you for is 10,000 dollars
you owe me for breaking off the engagement you know how humiliating that was?
Lover... lover look, I dont wanna fight.. It's only $10,000... it would mean the world to me
Lover... are you there?!
Fucking troll - did you call my name?
No, I said fucking troll - Oh, I thought you said Kirk
Do you have 10 grand? - Nope
And also I might be a little short on rent this month, like a lot short
This might help. Wanna get wasted? - Uh..Yea...
Cool, see ya.
We are in a state of emergency, and my word is law There is only one boss in this place, and that's me
The HNIC
Alright..We'll pick this up again tomorrow
Can I help you?
What? - I am the student leader for the trip to Springfield
Shocker! - We're having our carwash this weekend
If you're around, maybe we could wash your car.
The Springfield trip is the best part of 7th grade...
...last year's car wash raised 6000 dollars
bringing these magazines to school is not the way you are going to make friends, those 8th Grade boys..
Are just using you
so I go now? - Yes, you go now.
But if I see these again, I'm gonna call your parents
Do you understand?
Go to class.
Hey hey..Hey! Go to class.
Another exciting day in the Principal's office
Do you have a second?
Uhh yeah. Oh! You know what I wanna talk to you too, did I hear that right, that you were showing movies all last week?
Hmm.. Some clips, maybe
But you know in a lot of ways I think that movies are the new books
Is this new? I love it
You know,I've always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea
I have a bumper sticker that says that - No way?
I'm not kidding. It's on my car.
Come on...
Hold on a sec...
His name is Simon and he lives in the Cayman Islands..
With his brother, Ajack
What a great story. - What did you wanna talk about?
I was thinking that I wanna get more involved
You know..I don't know... Something like ...maybe.. Supervising the 7th grade car wash.
Uhh..you know Amy has been running after like.. Two years - Yea, but she does so much already.
It might be nice to give her a little rest
It's so nice to see you becoming a real member of the JAMS family.
It just feels so good to help.
Holy shit! - Alright, let's do this.
Hey, Mr. Delacorte, yes!
Hey, kids. - Hey..
Hey, You better not take it for a joyride
- Are you sure? - I'm watching you.
Miss Halsey..I'm impressed. - Thanks, I've been working out.
What a turn out. - Oh yeah, the kids are just having a blast
Well, that's what it's all about.
God, you know we should go get a drink tonight I feel like getting drunk
I mean not "drunk" drunk, strong buzz still be able to drive.
I'm sorry... I can't get em'.. Just not ready but if you're patient..
I think I might be worth your while
- You're worth the wait - I think so too
Wally, it's Amy Squirrel. - Amy? What are you do...? Get out of here!
This will just take a sec...
Umm..I happen to be pedalling past the 7th Grade car wash this Saturday
- Kill it! Can we talk about this later? - Later we'll all die said the gator to the fly
Fuckk! What? - Just go
Now, I don't want to speak out of school but ..from where I was sitting, I think ...
It seemed like Miss Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money
Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the 7th grade car wash?
Wally..we barely know anything about her - Hey, you know what they raised almost $7000.
So whatever she did, worked. Lee Mathews dad called, he said the car wash was a raging success.
And Lauren Lisman's dad called and he said we should have car wash every weekend.
So instead of accusing her, you might wanna ask her for some pointers.
Well if those pointers include wearing provocative beach wear..
..For money, I think I'll pass.
This is ridiculous, this is the one place in this building where I'm allowed to be alone with my thoughts
I only had this once a day.. If I'm lucky.
Next time you accuse one of my teachers of stealing, you better have some evidence.
God damnit! We are done here.
Alrighty, have a super awesome day, you two.
Holy fuck! I thought she was never gonna leave.
What's going on with you? Need a tissue? Huh?
She is such a phony. - Yeah, major phony
But she also cares a lot too.
I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles. - I wanna sit on his face.
Hey, guys. - Heyy.
Lynn, will you go grab me some milk? - What kind of milk do you want?
The skim, whole, 2 %, chocolate?
Surprise me. - Okay, I'll get you skim, no 2 %..
So... - Holla, fellow educators..
Is everything okay with Gaby? - She will be fine.
I told her, Gaby if you're not happy with yourself, you can't expect others to be happy with you.
It starts with you. - I'm sure she appreciated that.
And it's exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breasts job.
Sorry... sorry I thought you were telling everyone.
Did you?
Well I'm prochoice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest..
Except abortion, of course.
Of course. - Of course.
Looks like algebra is calling. I hate math. Wish me luck.
Hi, I'm a math terrortist with close ties to algebra
I have weapons of maths instruction
Here, I'll walk you. - Man..Everyone is so nice around here.
Of course, hey watch my quadrant!
Here you go.. 1 %... Surprise!
Hi, my name is Elizabeth Halsey. Any questions?
Hi, I'm Sasha's mother.
I am a little concerned at the importance you're placing on movies.
I was just wondering whats your plans were for the state test?
Listen, the school hired me because... I'm amazing at what I do
I use movies as one of my tools
but I also use a variety of other multimedia techniques
Listen, I could take you day by day through my entire syllabus, but that's not just how I do things.
So, that's my spiel, as the Jews say.
Please, help yourself to some delicious snacks and drinks in the back.
Class dismissed. - Excuse me, Miss Halsey.
Hi, I'm Morgan's dad.
Morgan.
Great kid, so precautious. - I just wish Morgan's grades were reflected.
If I know Morgan, and I think I do. Ah!... Morgan will get there.
Listen, I'm sure you have full paid along with a rocking hot body.
But if you could just keep an eye on Morgan? My wife and I would really appreciate it.
For supplies and whatever.
Supplies? You're Chase's parents?
You know a student like Chase would benefit so much from some extra attention?
So you think we should hire a tutor?
You know I'd be happy to do it myself, but it's just so hard with a class of 20..
25 or 30, whatever. - To be a teacher?
God, it is so hard on my salary to have to pay for my own supplies
and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister
as your personal tutor, I guarantee personally that she will get an A.
Or your money back
Say no more.
Make it out to cash.
Scott...Scott...Scott
Amy, hi. - Hi, I got you something.
What? You don't have to do that. - It's nothing, it's my favorite book.
Eat, Pray, Love? This is my favourite book too.
What's your favourite part? - Love.
What do you want? - Is that marijuana?
No, it's medical marijuana.
I have a prescription and everything.
And I'm not gonna tell you why because, it's between me and my doctor.
Oh..ok.. Well feel better.
Thanks.
My mom and I made some holiday cookies.
Those oatmeal rasin again? - Gingerbread.
Let have it.
Watch the bowl
Do you have anything to drink?
Listen, word to the wise
Stop dressing like you're running for Congress
I don't wanna run for Congress. I wanna be President.
See, that's what I'm talking about. Keep saying shit like that you're gonna get punched.
You really wanna be a President or is that something your parents want?
Look you don't have to decide right now.
Then who knows one day you wakeup you decide you want to be a masseuse.
Salary plus tips.
Think about it.
If I think about it, Will I get extra credit?
Hopeless. Watch your feet.
This is indeed a winter wonderland.
Wanna get high? - Yeaaah.
Give me a nug.. I'll go smoke it in my car.
Wow..No, I meant Do you wanna get high with me?
Hey, they don't make songs like this anymore, right?
You know that's not actually true Scott?
I'm writing a song right now called 855-824-1777.
Extension 777.
So you guys having an awesome time?
Yes, Oh my God! I love to dance, I could dance all night.
Hey can we go somewhere and talk?
I'll totally go for a talk right now
What's up? - Okay..whoo
I do not know how to say this. I'm a kind of nervous.
Feels it's all happening so quickly.
You can tell me anything Scott, you're one of my best friends
I'm crushing on someone
I think you're pretty great too - Thanks. It's Amy.
No running in the hall!
Kids.
She's been amazing helping me do with my breakup.
Yeah, I don't know her that well I know all the other teachers really hate her fucking guts ...
But I stay above all that stuff
Can I be honest with you? - Of course.
It's nothing personal, but ...
I don't think that you're Amy's type.
Really? - Yea
She seem so..I don't know... sympathyco.
Trust me She's only using you for your money.
What?
Well I feel stupid. - No, Scott... Scott
Look at me. I'm gonna get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months..
...and when I recover from my surgery...
...you and I are gonna go out and we are gonna find awesome people for each other.
That sounds nice.
You're out of your mind.
There is no one in the LeBron who'll ever be Jordan. Nobody will ever be Jordan.. Okay?
Ok, Lebron is a better rebounder and passer
Will you let me finish? Can?..Can you let me finish?
Call me when Lebron has six championships - That's the only arguement?
It's the only argument I need, Shawn!
Let's get baked.
Goods... we're gonna go get some baked goods
You got this?
Just try it..try it! - Just..please stop pressuring her
How does she know she doesn't like it if she has never tried it before?
You know, we should probably be getting back. - Just fuckin do it.. Weed is awesome.
Hold it in. - Just blow it out Hold it in. - Blow it out
Okay..Lynn, I'm gonna take this.
I'm gonna go find a hot dog.
Well, that's definitely impressive - Like you can do better?
Really? You sure you wanna do this? - Yea, gym teacher.
You understand this's what I do? - Yea I got it - Like for a living
You have no upper body strength. - Yes, I do..
Just not in my arms or my chest.
Well I have cat like reflexes accept for it
So, all this is mine, by the way As far as the eye can see.
Really love with what you've done with the place - Ya if you notice the nets, that's brand new nets I had installed
This's original wood.
See those championship banners?
When I first came to the school, they weren't here.
They were over there, I have moved over there
So.. Russell, what has to go wrong in someone's life for them to end up being a middle school gym teacher?
Well ah.. Granted it wasn't the original plan As a young boy I wanted to be a professor..
..Of physical education.
At Harvard, but ...
I don't know... I like it here.
What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?
I don't know. Maybe I was a bad person in another life.
We should like.. Go have a drink.. Sometime.. Together.
Like over winter break.
Naah.. Got something brewing. - Can I say something for the record?
Fine. - It's about ...your... ttt
The big fake titties Are you really gonna do that?
Why would you do that? Your tits are fine.
I like your tits.. Ask my roommate.
Seriously?
Come on.
Seriously?
Hey... Why are they closed? - It's Christmas?
Whatever... Hey you got a lighter?
Miss Halsey, it's me Garrett from school - It's Garrett. Having a nice Christmas?
Aces..
Ahh! What're you doing rest of day you gonna see your family?
Ahh... Yeah I'm gonna go see some people We're having like a big..pot luck so..
Miss Halsey? Would you like to come and spend Christmas with us?
That we remembered Have we ever forget.. What is that? Haaha
Guys, I'm really sorry I have to eat and run I gotta head over to the shelters so..
Awww.. - The shelter, Ah, that's so inspiring.
Yeah, I really love helping bums.
But you'd have to wait for dessert we have a real treat.
Garrett, why don't you run and get some of your new poetry.. - I don't want to hear it
God..I'm so embarrassed - Don't be shy, marbles.
This is called the The Chase by Garrett Tiara.
XOXO, my love for you is XOXO.
About her smile that I would walk a mile for.
About her personality that makes me see the best in me.
One glance, one dance because together we can achieve... balance
Thank you.
I loved it and I usually hate poetry.
Oh Philip, hate on Christmas? - Oops..Sorry, Santa.
Sorry, Jesus.
Umm..why don't you two give me a hand with dessert? And we can let these two ..discuss.
Fuck!
So, the poem's about that girl? - Yea, Chase.
I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel
I knew she'd understand
Listen, that's not gonna happen, buddy
I was that hot girl, hotter... even and I would never've gone out with you
And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be helpful.
What do you know? You don't even know our names
I'll tell you what I know ...a kid who wears the same gymnastic sweat shirt 3 days a week....
...isn't getting laid until he's 29 that's what I know..
Sweat shirt was my dad's. That's all he left me.. When he left me
There's a reason... he didn't pack it.
Just saying.
Welcome to the number one New Year's Eve Party in the entire world.
This is literally the biggest party ... - Aren't you going out with the other nurses?
I'm not a nurse.
I thought you were a nurse.
I am a teacher.
Hey Welcome back.
Many of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, Do you wanna come?
Period 5? - Yeah the teacher band.
I already got shot on the face.
So, are you guys coming to the palace tonight? My band's gonna do few songs...
You are in Period 5? - You're looking at the new rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist.
Should be fun. - Should be amazing. Lynn you wanna come?
Yes..yes
Like you guys.. You should go talk to someone, Lynn.
I'm fine ...here.
Come on Lynn, you need to loosen up and live a little. When's the last time you had a good dicking?
A good dicking? - Go talk to those guys over there.
With the cowboy hats? - Yea.
Come on. - You come on...
Go talk to them. - What am I gonna talk about?
It doesn't matter.
You go... you start with one of em' and you start talking to the other one... and then you go back to the first one
but still be touching the other one and then you just choose.. Text book.
Yea, from the world's weirdest text book
Lemme finish my drink. - Now Lynn! -Second
Now..Go! - I like it here.
It is really fun over here. - Lynn, get your ass over to those cowboys.
Oooo..well..Glad I wore my fun underwear
So, call me crazy, but this might be the best Period 5 show of all time.
What are you doing here, anyway?
I thought it was poetry slam night.
I was gonna get drunk and mock them. - Sounds fun, actually
I'll let you know, next time I go. - Not that fun.
Okay..just so you know.. That shit does not face me at all
I'm like the fuckin Terminator dude. I'm just gonna keep coming after you.
Just so we're clear.
Good luck with that.
Oh Shit! Check it out.
I'll be damned.
That shit worked!
Super fast
Wow, thank you guys for coming out What a turnout, right? Umm...
I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the guys from Period 5 for letting me join the band and
Also I have an original song
It is my first cracket song writing so.. Be kind.
And it goes out to someone very special.
There was a girl I met sometime ago
Sympatheco She helped me heal, she helped me grow
Sympatheco how do you know and you know and again you just know
Sympatheco
Exotico
Erotico
You're my narcotic, Ohhh...
Ask me how much I feel I'll say ..a lot-a-co..
We can never in the world be too much...
...before I met you...
fuck!
Is it me? I mean there's something wrong with me? - I don't think so.
I mean, sometimes you talk to people and... - Thank you.
Forget him, at least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best teacher you can be..
Who knows.. Maybe you'll win the bonus.
What bonus? - For the state test
Which ever teacher has the highest scoring class gets a bonus. Amy wins every year.
How much? - $5700.
Son of a bitch... 5700. Yea..Goddamn it! Lynn.
You never tell me anything - Yea..
Come on. C'mon c'mon c'mon...
Let's go, We had a lot to go over. Everybody sitdown, come on..
Where is the TV? - Now everybody open your "To kill a mockingbird" to page 1.
Good, now..
Who can tell me why Jem cries when the hole in the tree is filled with cement?
Because he's a crybaby?
Get out!
We're here to learn
Anybody else have a problem with that?
Good Now who has the answer to my question?
Nobody's read this book?
It's on the syllabus. - Well..You never asssign it to us.
Well now.. I am
And we have a quiz tomorrow. - What?!
On the first 100 pages.
You can't do that I have band and jazz band tonight
We haven't had homework all year
o
Things are about to change around here.
Recess is over.
Because bird symbolize freedom?
Good. Good okay..
Is anyone have anything to add to what that girl just said?
So, what are the limitations of having Scott as the narrator?
You, Chapz.
Because he ...
Don't flinch... seriously.. You and you.. Hold his arms down
Next question.
Because Atticus is always the voice of reason and justice?
Correct..here
Nothing in the face
Woooh! Wait!
Miss Halsey.. Really? Wow!
I never ... - We're in the middle of a lesson.
Twilight, look at me
What do we talk about in class?
Your weight should be evenly distributed You have to throw off the back foot
Don't throw at her Throw through her
Hit her! Hit her!
Nail her!
This is so funny, cause I love raisins and he hates rasins.
Ying and Yang.
You guys are so cute. - So cute?
It's like ..too cute almost
Last week when we went for a drive
We had no idea where we were going, We left the maps at home ...
What! No way.. - It was fine. I have a GPS navy system.
Oh, Thank God. - And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant
They finally got their own cuisine Progress..
Your shirt's misbuttoned Her shirt is misbuttoned
Thank you Amy, for pointing that out - You're so welcome.
Gosh! Its been such a mess this week. You know, Just working myself to the bone
Yeah, it's been quite a change. - Well I think it's great.
I just love people who are so passionate about what they do.. It's so inspirational
Thanks. Yea you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum thing...
I don't know, it's just not me..
It's good to know there's still some actual educators out there
What else, Sasha? - I think I've told you everything.
Anyone know where Danny Morebox is? - Any more movies in class?
No, we're actually learning. Hey do you know Animal Farm isn't even really about animals?
Animal Farm? Sasha, that's not even on the syllabus.
Yeah, I know you're forgetting something.
One extra credit on your diagram, want or not? - I do I want it.
Okay, okay think. - Let me think.
Well there was... Never mind. - What?
Well it was okay..It was medicinal.
And if she claims it's medicinal, I would demand to see a prescription.
That's what I would do if I were you, Wally.
Do you have any proof other than what one student thought she saw?
Well this one student is in line to be editor of The Daily Musket next year.
She's got a lot to loose going public with this
If the Teacher's Union found out that I was administering a drug test to a teacher with this little proof...
They would make my life a living hell, Amy..
So, you're just gonna let her walk free?
That's it!
Amy, Stop that Stop it!
Sorry.
- Sit down.
Amy, Do you see this beautiful little glass dolphin figurine?
Mmmm... Look at it
Yeah. - Look at it.
Looking at it! - Elizabeth gave this to me.
She is a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons.
Wally! Can't you see? She is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?
No, what I see is that you are getting worked up And what I would hate to see...
....is for you to get overwhelmed...
...like you did in 2008
Gotcha! Thanks Wally, for bringing that up.
For I'm all about that.
Do not do that with your mouth.
Regular mouth.
"Atticus Finch is a good lawyer because he is a good person...
...who's a lawyer."
Stupid point, misspelled.
"Stupider"
Is this English?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Pathetic. This is why the Japs are overtaking us.
And believe me I don't mean you.
But, we're working really hard.
You're not working hard enough. I need results.
Class dismissed.
OFFICIAL PRACTICE TEST MANUAL
I need that test!
Good afternoon, Illinois standard student test How may I direct your call?
Hi, my name is Marjarie Goodman and I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune
Who could I speak to regarding the allegations of racial bias on your standardised tests?
Please hold..
Marjarie?
You must be Carl?
Thank you for meeting me on such short notice - Of course. Sure..
Did you find the boys okay? Was it a good drive? - Great drive
Listen Carl, I know that you are a very busy man So, I'm just gonna get right down to it
I've been speaking to various.... ah..black... citizens... who
..alleged that your test are biased towards white people and orientals.
Okay..lemme tell you something right away A: Orientals tests better ...
B: Every couple of years we get these cockamamy charges coming in from various parts of the state
Lemme dat daa.. Usually here, the things that they call me
Racist, faggotron, faggy Hitler, dick breath ... Okay..?
But I am not racist. I voted for Obama, you can quote me on that in your article
You know what I think would help..Carl..?
For me to see one of this year's tests
Oh! Sure, I can get you one easy No problem
Great... great!
Umm..The day after the schools administers them, I will shoot one right over to you.
I was hoping to see it sooner. I'm on a bit of a deadline.
No, no... that is absolutely classified Unless, ..unless you have one of these bad boys, right here
Wow! You know Carl.. Enough business for one night, don't you think?
Oh..oh tell me bout that.. - I think I'm gonna have another drink before I hit the road
..It's like the freedom and the wind in your hair obviously the image... you don't wanna...
But then there were others like..just.. Like hopeless or scary..so I..count me out
But you seem like such a wild man Carl..
What turns you on Carl?
Eh..Everything. - You wanna know what turns me on?
Sex in an office.
Getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk
Mine's metal. - Even better.
And voila. So..
This is the desk.
Do you have anything to drink?
Uh Uhh! Yes I do!
Voila.
White wine in the office? Bad Boy...
Do you have any music Carl? - I have the Internet radio.
I love Internet radio
You.ve..come to.. The right place.
Cause I have that
See, I am not a wiz' at this computer here
Umm.. It's relatively new and Grace who is ah.. Works with me on Mondays and Wednesdays and Thursday and...
I share her with Greg across the way Greg across is actually the guy who got me into spinning
Oh, there we go.
Shall we toast?
To new friends And new lovers
I'm gonna take off my shoes, is that okay? - Whatever man. I'm gonna go hit the ladies room.
Okay..There's a handicapped one..which is way closer use the handicapped one, it's way closer
I took off my shoes? - Oh Carl...
I wanna fuck you baaside desk
I wanna fuck you against the desk
Carl..I'm gonna need you to pass the fuck out
Marji..I am going to rock your vagina
Ohh..The wine is good
Hello titties..
ONE MONTH LATER
If anyone has any information regarding the missing Anne wig...
...please..let me know ASAP
Come on, guys. There's a wig missing
Because if that wig isn't found, you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not come out tomorrow.
Back to you, Wally.
Ahh..Okay thank you, Amy. I'm sure everybody wants to get home so I'm gonna be quick
Four scores, seven years ago.
That's a ..Goddamn it! Sandy..
Sandy's so funny.
Huh... I have here I have here the results of the state exam
And I'm happy to announce that the.. John Adams Middle School, that's us ...
Scored in the top 5 % of the whole state
Nice.. Good job, guys..
And I wanna single out I wanna single out one of our own
Who show that with hard work and dedication ...
One teacher can make a difference.
And this teacher is now $5700 richer
With the highest scores in Cookcounty That's the whole county
I want everyone to give a big round of applause
To Elizabeth Halsey.
Well done - Thank you.
Congratulations, Miss. Halsey.
Thanks dude.
Well if it isn't Professor Smarty pants? - Don't mess with me, I'm a lot stronger than I look.
Elizabeth, I am so proud of you.
I mean if someone told me at the beginning of the year that you..'you'... will get the bonus ...
Won't have had to say to whomever it was "No way".."Absolutely not" and..
Now, here we are..
We should go out and celebrate. Your treat?
Yea, unfortunately Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itenerary for the Springfield trip
We're the chaperones we're going together.
We're dating..so.. It'll also be romantic.
Have fun. - Yea, You're not seeing anyone now, right?
Almost... done..
Okay..so that's endorsed And put the rest on these
Just put it - Alrighty
Okay.
"Ms. Squirrel says reading is fun"
"Learning is Fun-tastic"
Who did this?
Aww... Come on. Anyone wants extra sticker on their wall star board?
What brings you here? Mr. Apple.
What was that, Mr. Apple?
You want me to take a bite?
Alrighty roo..
Elizabeth, I just want to thank you again for stepping in today, you really saved us here
No problem. Is Amy gonna be okay?
Yea, Amy's gonna be fine - Well, let her know she's in my prayers
Someone's calling my name.
I dare you. - I'm not afraid of your dare, Fabrigo
That's really dangerous, Russell
I'll call you from the hotel. - Bye, Amy.
Yea, she's sitting right next to me - No
Thanks for calling again
Amy says "hi" - Well she sure calls a lot
So, are you excited about your surgery?
I've never been more excited about anything
It's a pretty inspiring message to the kids
We should never stop working on ourselves.
Like you, with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic food.
Gosh! I never loose my keys.
Such a dingaling
What's wrong with your face? - What is wrong with your face?
Hey..I'm Just trying to make conversation.
We're all done - Super, thanks a bunchames
I knew it.
Well that is definitely Marjarie, only with kind of weird hair here in real life she's actually very pretty.
She in some kind of trouble? - Marjarie? I think you're the one who might be in some kind of trouble.
Did you or did you not give her a copy of the state test?
No, no... no absolutely not, no I..
I did give her some quotes for her article
What article? - Her..article for the Tribune. She's a reporter there, right?
Test tampering? At JAMS?
This time I have a witness and like I said Wally, she stole the Anne wig
We're dealing with a criminal mastermind
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news Wall..
You know.. How much we all love her.
Okay, well ..You know I have to call the superintendent
We're gonna have to cross check her entire class's scores
This is a real shit sandwich!
Course, you know what scares me the most, Wall?
This is just what we know, right?
Who knows what else she's capable of?
So aweful
Fruit Roll-Up?
You know, when President Lincoln abolish slavery ...
It was not a popular opinion
- Hmmm - I just hate slavery so so much.
Slavery's the worst
If I could go back in time and undo slavery? I would.
I hate it.
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but... I couldn't help it over hear your conversations
Can I tell you guys what I hate?
Sharks. - Well sharks can tear families apart.
But they're also so majestic. - They are beautiful creatures.
But they're also so ferocious - So ferocious
One of nature's cruel jokes I guess..
Thank you, Elizabeth, for listening.
Scott, I want you to know You can talk to me about anything.
Your jeans feels so good against my jeans.
Totally - Hey, your body feels so good.
Oh, I need some water.
Oh I'm dryin' the shit out of you - Oh Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott.
Just stop talking.
I'm close. Don't move.
Here I go. ..Almost.
Wait for it.
Really close.. Ready? - Mmmm..Yea.
Just stop talking
Almost there.
That was great - More like amazing
Well, I'm gonna get going I don't want the kids to see me leaving your room - Yea
You're so symphatico.
Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.
I'm pretty sure I'd like that
Even your forehead is sexy.
Oh, time for bed
All right then - See you in the maņana
Elizabeth, don't let the bed bugs bite
I was just going over some stuff for tomorrow.
Yeah, cool..
I'm serious. - Okay
Cheers.
They forgot to re-stuffed my minibar. How's yours lookin'?
You know, I'm super tired I'm just getin' in the sack
I'll see you tomorrow then - Good night
And 17.
Oh, hold on. Shelly ...Ooo Shelly, someone's got a message.
Ah! Dry humpin' the shit out of you - Yeah, Dry Fuck the fuck outta me, Scott.
I wasn't always president. Oh! No!
I had many jobs when I lived here in New Salem
My fave..My favorite job was, 'Splitting rails'.
Which is why they call me 'rail splitter'.
Anybody know... anybody know any of my other nick names?
"Honest Abe". - Yes, obviously. Honest Abe.
That was the big one Honest Abe
They always called me that because I said what was on my mind
Even if it made me unpopular.
Remember, a great man always has the courage to say what is in his heart.
Yea?
I love Chase Rubin Rossy - Great.
Who would like to see Mary Tod churn butter? Churn butter?
I love you, Chase. I wanna yell it from the mountain tops.
And even though you pretty much stop talking to me in fifth grade... I don't care
I remember the Chase that wrote me a card
When my dad was overweight and had to go to the hospital because of his heart
And a year later, when he left my mom and moved in with his trainer ...
You wrote me another card.
What happened to us?
Remember, in the second grade when we had a sleep over and you wet the bed?
And you were so embarassed, and you made me promise never to tell anyone?
Well, I never have and I never will
So there it is My heart honestly
Don't let me leave - Oh! Please don't
Always believe
Gross..
Buuhhr! Loser.
Guys, c'mon settle down
Okay..Let's see how Mary Tod's doing with that butter
Okay..That's enough. We get it, you're crying
She just laughed at me and called me 'gross'
Yeah! Did you hear your speech? Come on lets go back. - No
No, I'm not going back. - Come on.
Just leave me alone.
Get your ass back here
We done running?
Ah? Everything okay in here? - It's okay, I'm his teacher.
Oh Okay Take your time.
She's never gonna like me, is she?
Are we still on this? - She's my everything
Here is the deal man..I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl is never gonna be interested in you.
Never. You clearly have a... rich interior life with the poems and the whatever but..
She wants a guy like Ian.. What's his face? - Ian Mentelbaum? The rapper?
He's an idiot. - Yea, he's a fuckin' moron.
But she doesn't care
She's superficial and her priorities are all fucked up
She likes him because he's hot and popular dude. You...
...are sensitive. - Yes, thank you
It's not a compliment.
You have some rough road ahead of you
Seventh grade is not your moment. - Yeah, eighth grade will be better.
Probably not. I think in college
That's your window be ready.
..If I go back out there everyone's gonna laugh at me.
Maybe this will help. - What are you doing?
I'm giving you a gift. Oh wow..
We are gonna change the new cycle
Trust me on this.
I thought it would be heavier.
Don't be weird, and take this off never fucking wear it again, what are you, crazy?
Everything okay with Garrett? - No, it's not
I found him hooking up with an eighth-grader from another school. She was jerking him off
Yea, I'm gonna give him detention when we get back - That's probably a good idea.
Garrett Portman, I was a kid from an old boys school.
Yea, and he was wearing this - What?
Awesome - It's real..
It's a nice thing you did. - I don't know what you're talking about?
Really? Cause I couldn't help but notice that you're not wearing a bra
And those... Those kids are there playing with it
Much people don't wear bras. - Definitely. Much teachers.
Well if you must know, I was helping a student through a tough time
I'm going through such a tough time.
Can I have your panties? - I'm not wearing any..
Amy, what are you doing here? - Scott, talk to the hand.
Amy? - I know ...
Ev-ery-thing.
Carl Halabi. The state test.
The blating disregard for the school syllabus
And lets not forget.. The sleeping with my boyfriend
Scott, your phone accidentally called me last night
I can't believe you let her take advantage of you like that
You are too trusting - I am. I didn't know what was happening
I hope you haven't spent that bonus check on anything because you're about to give it back
And then some... jail time..Jail time!
Did you ever think that maybe ... - Save it doll face you can explain it all tomorrow to the principal
And the superintendent.
When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent tomorrow... At the meeting ...tomorrow
I need you to go to this guy's office and scare the shit out of him
Tell me my mission again
Hand him the envelope. - I'm gonna need a couple bucks for gas
And a couple bucks for snacks
Oh my God! Sir?
Oh my God, are you okay? - I got fucked up my knee.
Easy Easy does it, easy...
You need an ambulance? - Ambulance is not necessary.
I walking on - Walking on is number one worst thing you would probably do
Please don't touch my mirror.
Please sir? What the ff? What the fuck, who does that? - I'm a friend of Marjorie's
Oh! Friend of Marjorie? Well get then... Fuck you man
Huh fuck you..fuck... You like that? - Stop kicking it..You stop fucking kicking it
Fuck your scooter and fuck Marjorie. She drugged me and she stole from me.. Then she's going down
Let me think.
Take it. And open up..open up
Ya, not bad... for a camera phone Huh? You can keep those too -Fuck!
And I was never here. You hear me? -Fuck
Don't... Stop fucking with my car.
They're ready for you.
Learning is fun-tastic. - What did you say to me?
Your desk?
Yea, I forgot that was there. Such a dick sometimes
This is very very bad, Elizabeth - Incredibly very bad, Elizabeth
..and observe it Amy, you said you wouldn't speak
Bring him in
Mr. Halabi, thank you for your time. - Most welcome.
I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was not true
What part of it, exactly?
All of it.. Pretty much
I've never seen this woman before in my life
Baloney - You seem..very certain a couple of days ago?
I did, because ...umm...
I'm a casual drug user
That's my thing, and everybody knows it. So..
That explains me, making absolutely no sense
Thank you.
You realise it..if we found out you're lying, You're gonna lose your job.
Plus jail time
Yes I understand. I just don't want to see an innocent teacher get hurt
Thank you, sir. - I don't want to see anybody get hurt
What the hell was that? - So, there you go. I guess that explains everything
Retest! Retest! Retest!
Damn it! Squirrel.. I am not going to have a repeat of 2008!
Sit your ass down!
A retest on? C'mon
Do we really wanna tell our young people ...
...that if they study, sacrifice ...
...and achieve the highest scores in the state...
...that they're rewarded with suspicion?
I don't!
I find these kind of accusations troubling
And quite frankly, reckless.
I worked my ass off for this school.
And I know I am not perfect. But show me the perfect teacher.
You can't.
There are even teachers in this very school who use drugs.
They do, they do use drugs - They do -They do -They do
Wally, do you remember how I told you, there are teachers here who use and abuse drugs?
God damn it! And I'm hearing about this now?
Where is it Axle? Where's it boy?
No, no, no that's my class. Axle's barking at the wrong tree there
Ma'am! Please don't touch the dog. - Your dog is mistaken
We've got desk.. - He's not gonna find anything in here.
Clean! - Haa! I told you
Maybe there's a false bottom.
That is not mine. This... ss thiszzz..This isn't even my desk, it's hers!
Don't worry Amy.. We'll get you the help you need.
You monster!
Wow wooo woo wow Amy.... Calm down, Amy. - Fucking damn it! What the fuck!?
I stole her desk. You can check my urine.
Check it Check my urine.
Well it's been another great year here at JAMS
With summer round the corner, it's time to say goodbye not only to another school year..
...but also to one of our own.
Amy Squirrel, after six short years, Amy is transferring out of the district
Speech, speech - Well..
Aaah! Wally thank you for those kind words, and thank you all
My decision that I made myself to leave was super difficult.
But when the superintendent personally ask you to work at one of the worst school in the state?
Well... you say 'YES'
Boy, I am looking forward to bringing my brand of genie energy..
..To those underprivileged students at Malcolm X High School.
Thank you.
Hey, Elizabeth..Listen, since Amy's transferring, maybe the two of us can start over
Oh, hey there..Scott Delacorte. And you are? - Leaving.
- Elizabeth? - Here.
- Sign my yearbook. - Hold my ball sack
I'll write my number down just in case you need a lift...
..after the surgery.
For second, an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly
Thanks
Hey, aah!..You're not gonna teach again next year, are you?
I don't know.. It's the only thing I'm good at
I'm just saying maybe.. To consider doing something else ... like anything else
Like any other job ... in the entire world
You know? The two of us... It's never gonna happen.
- Clearly? - How would that even work?
Where do you even live? In some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?
No,..My creepy roommate moved out. So now it's just..just me ..and the dogs
How many dogs do you have? - Four.
Four dogs? - Four Dobermans
Any family money? - Yea, you bet?
We're talking like three figures.. Almost 700 bucks
So, basically, if I was gonna go out with you, I would be making the conscious choice...
..to be dating a Gym Teacher who lives in a shack with four dogs?
I prefer to think of it as two people with amazing bodies...
...sharing those bodies with each other
Giving each other the gift of these bodies
Anyway, actually none of these really matters Umm... I sort of ..started seeing somebody
Really that's..Congratulations I didn't..I didn't realize that so....
- Those stupid... so.. - I'm just fucking with you
Guess I deserve that one..? - Yea, you must certainly did
I think it's about time you realize, that the whole world's just...
See you around Gym teacher.
Hey.. Let's do that again.
THREE MONTHS LATER.
Hey, Elizabeth. - Hey Lynn, how was your summer?
Oh it was great. I went to the zoo almost every weekend
Wow! Sounds great.
Oh!..You didn't get your.. Your titties..?
Yea..I thought about it, you know Cause I don't even need them.
Plus they're really expensive, you know..per tit - Yea, and you got to get two of them
And I met a guy. - Oh! Tell me everything.
Did you find your Prince Charming?
Something like that
Hey, you wanna grab lunch later? - Oh! Oh sure, yea, my treat.
Oh! You got it last time. We'll split it. -Oh! Okay yeah
Hey, you in the cape You're up first. Let's go.
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