Give us your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free-
And looking for a government handout,
a free lunch and a dental plan too-
the wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
your unwashed yellows and browns
and all colors in between,
Jews and gentiles, Muslims and Hindus
and anyone else with funny hats,
and we will make fun of them.
And now the white ladies.
Gosh, Nancy, I just don't know what to do.
What's the matter, Sue?
Last week a man moved into the house next door,
and he's African-American. But when we were introduced,
I wasn稚 over come with feelings of rage or animal fear.
Gee, Sue, sounds like you've met a non-threatening black man.
A non-threatening black man? What's that?
A male Negro who fails to trigger
the customary fight-or -flight response in Caucasian women
due to his nonspecific physical and socio-cultural attributes,
Like Al Roker or Bryant Gumbel.
But if he's a non-threatening black man, why isn't he a newscaster?
Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening black man is a newscaster.
Some of them work in advertising and politics.
Is that allowed?
In some states.
Gosh, this is all so confusing.
What should I do?
Move. He may be non-threatening to you,
but your property values won't know the difference.
You're rig ht. I値l go home and start packing rig ht away.
But what値l I tell the kids?
T el I them to fear people who are different.
Thanks, Nancy.
What would I do without you?
And now please join us
in the singing of our national anthem,
performed today by international recording artist
and fourth runner -up in the Miss Newark beauty pageant
Miss Tarnished' Silver.
Ahem.
~ Oh say ~
~ Can you ~
~ See ~
~ By the dawn's ~
~ Early ~
~light ~
~light. light ~
~light ~
~ The dawn's so fucking Early in the morning ~
~ The dawn is too fucking Early ~
~ In the morning ~
~ And this light, this light... ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh. ~
Well now, mister,
are you ready to behave yourself Like a good little boy
and join the rest of the class?
Well, I'm ready,
but Can I ask you a question?
Yes, Charlie. What is it?
What does a priest get when he wants pussy?
What?
Nun. Get it?
Shit! Fuck!
Jesus! Ah, Christ!
Ass rape! Help!
I said quit it, you dyke!
Uncle.
Young man, one day
you're going to wind up in prison
on your way to hell!
I値l show them.
I値l show them all.
One day I'm gonna make a movie
with nothing but...
jokes.
A whole movie- nothing but jokes.
I don't follow.
Look, you guys used to be big- huge.
You went national, Lampooning everything in sight.
Before your Saturday Night live," your Comedy Central,
it was your guys' name synonymous with funny.
Better times.
Well, this is how you get it back.
You forget all this new media, viral video shit
and you get back to the funny.
Jokes are funny.
- Just jokes? - Dirty jokes.
You want to make an entire movie out of just dirty jokes?
- You got it. - Just one after another?
- That's rig ht. - But that's not a movie.
I could be. Look at "The Aristocrats. "
"The Aristocrats" got a lot of heat.
Maybe we should do Something likes that.
Yeah, but "The Aristocrats" is a movie a bout a joke.
Rig ht, so this will be even better.
What if we did a 90-minute live-action "Aristocrats"?
I love it. It pops.
Did you actually see "The Aristocrats"?
- No. - It's a joke a bout a family
that sodomizes their children and defecates all over each other.
You think it's not a good idea?
A boy fucking his mom while her husband
is humping their golden retriever in the ass?
How would we even shoot that?
- Do a lot of it in editing. - Sure, stock footage.
Okay, so how are we gonna film a guy
shitting into his daughter's mouth?
CGI.
Well, we're still gonna need a star.
Real or CGI?
'Ca use what star is gonna shit in a Little girl's mouth?
It would prove he's not gay.
He's not gonna do that on camera.
He doesn't work with animals anyway.
T rue true. Forget it. No "Aristocrats. "
But I'm not sure that a dirty-joke movie
is sending our brand in the direction I think we should be heading.
Are we talking a bout sick, mind-numbing depravity,
Gratuitous nudity and cheap sex?
If we do it rig ht.
Look, tits alone aren't gonna do it anymore.
But tits plus funny is box-office gold.
Jokes are funny.
So you get tits with jokes- we're rolling.
Lawyer jokes, doctor jokes, blonde jokes?
Midget jokes, dead baby jokes.
No no no no no, no dead baby jokes.
Okay, maybe no dead baby jokes.
What a bout racist jokes?
Oh, that could get a Little touchy.
- There's a way to do it. - How?
A racist joke's only racist
depending on who's telling it.
We could get one of your minorities to tell the racist joke.
Could we have racist jokes with the word nig-
the N-word?
No way, huh-uh. It's out of the question.
These days if you make a racial slur in public, you know what they do?
They send you to rehab. And I am not going back to rehab.
- Come on. - No, he's rig ht.
You know, I mean, that's a bridge too far even for us.
So how would this work?
Look, hey, guys, it's simple.
A guy walks into a bar,
sees the bartender- a beautiful woman-
says to her, "Give me five shots of whisky. "
She pulls up the glasses, lays them down on the bar,
starts pouring- one, two, three, four, five.
He's slamming them back as fast as he Can.
The bartender says, "Celebrating something?"
He goes, "My first blowjob. "
The bartender says, In that case, let me buy you a beer. "
He goes, No Thanks.
If this doesn't kill the taste, nothing will. "
Ba-dump-bump-crash! There's your movie.
But that's not a movie.
Uh! Uh!
Yes! Yes!
Yes.
Uh!
Oh baby.
Oh, that was good.
Oh, I really-
I really gotta go now.
Oh no, don't go to work, baby.
Let's go again, huh?
No, I've really gotta go to work.
Oh please? One more time.
Oh, that's them. Hold on.
Shh, be quiet.
Hello.
This is Donovan. Where the Fuck are you?
I'm sorry. I can稚 come in to work today.
I'm sick.
You're sic k? You don't sound sick. How sick are you?
Well, rig ht now I'm fucking my sister.
Hey.
I'd love to get in your pants.
That's disgusting. Why would you say that?
'Ca use I just took a big shit in mine.
Oh, this guy is fucked.
Emergency room.
Doctor, doctor, I don't know what to do.
My wife is going into labor
and her contractions are coming really fast.
Okay, is this her first child?
No, this is her husband.
I wish that was Britney Spear痴 ass.
I wish that was Paris Hilton's ass.
I just wish it was dark.
Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid, you go work on those storyboards.
- You come with me. - Okay.
That guy doesn't really seem to get it.
Are you sure he's the rig ht person to direct this thing?
He's non-union.
Oh, say no more. He's perfect.
All right, so we値l set you up in a production office
- Down nears the receptionist. - I didn't see the receptionist.
She died in the World Trade Center.
- Oh, on 9/11? - No.
We're gonna need some real comedy c hops on this.
And you know who we should get to write it?
- No. - My son.
Oh sure, a trained monkey could write this script.
And not ask for residuals.
Your only obstacle is getting it past this boa rd.
- leave it to me. - Hey!
Save your attitude, okay?
These people have been running the comedy business
since Richard Pryor was in short pants.
And you don't get in that kind of position
unless you're a bunch of ruthless, Cantankerous sons of bitches.
If they smell fear, they値l rip off your balls
and shit on your children.
I don't have children.
Just watch yourself.
I-17.
Give me my smokes, you Fucking band it.
B-2.
Wow.
You said it.
Don't make any sudden moves.
N-34.
What's that?
- God damn it, stupid Fucking- - I made a stinky.
My God.
- G-51. - Bingo.
You cocksucker.
I fucked your mother!
Yes, you did.
Take your medication, Dad, huh?
- May I have your attention, please? - Bingo.
Rig ht.
- I want my 45｢ back, you mother Fucker. - Ladies and gentlemen.
Bingo.
- Can I have your attention? - That's bullshit.
Can I- Can I have your attention?
Mm m?
It is my pleasure to tell you a bout our new venture
in feature film making.
We're going to make a movie
that is going to take this company
rig ht back to its roots.
You're on.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And first off, may I say what an honor -
Uh, now this feature
that I a m proposing
- is a film made up... - Help me.
...entirely of jokes.
What's the story?
Good question.
There is no story.
It's jokes acted out.
Just jokes? You mean, like knock-knock jokes?
Not exactly. These jokes are gonna be a Little edgier.
Like the chicken-crossed-the-road jokes.
Yes and no. A Little more "no" than that but-
Well, I think there ought to be whore jokes.
What's the difference between a non ion and a dead whore?
I cried when I cut up the on ion.
- Okay. - Very good, Eleanor.
Why was there 4000 Mexicans at the Ala mo?
They only had three cars.
What's the difference between a homo
and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator don't fart when you pull out the meat.
- That it? - I think we're done here.
I'm so gonna lose my license.
Why is that?
I Fucked three of my patients.
Oh, who cares?
My brother is a doctor. He sleeps with patients all the time.
Yeah, but is he a veterinarian?
Hey, birthday boy.
Your friends hired me to come over here
and give you some hot super sex.
I値l take the soup.
What's the difference between a priest
and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face till you're 12.
Fuck you, freak!
Oh hey, cheap trick.
I told you, keep that on the corner. Don't bring it in here.
All I want is a drink.
What the hell? It's a slow night anyway.
Tell me about it.
You Can pay for this?
Why don't you take it out of this?
Got anything smaller?
Excuseme,
I'm looking for a big-time Hollywood producer.
Morty, my main man!
Get over here, you big shit. Come on, hug.
A big big hug.
That's a hug, all right. Let go.
- How are you doing, bubi? - Oh, Can't com plain.
You know, getting settled in, a Little tight.
Hey, no worries.
Wait a minute, you did something.
There's something different.
What did you do?
I don't know. What did I do?
Oh wow, that's some beautiful work.
- $89.99. - That's a great deal.
Yeah, he owed me. Have a seat.
Yeah.
So they went for it, huh?
Yeah, shim my in just a bit.
Hit the button right there.
Yeah, Can you believe it?
Yeah, go fig u re.
And how does this one go? Nothing but riddles?
- Jokes. - Jokes, yes, jokes.
- So? - So I have an investor.
Oh, beauteous!
Yeah, a great guy too. I know him from temple-
real respectable, upstanding, area I family man.
He sponsors my kid's soccer tea m.
Oh, a nice guy. What's he do?
He owns those jerk-off booths over on Eighth Avenue.
N ice. So he Can put up the whole nut?
- People like to jerk off. - Okay.
He's in, but he does have one condition.
Oh dang it. What, girlfriend an actress?
Nah nah, when I told him it was a joke movie,
he said for his money he wants us to make fun of the muklehs.
He wants Arab jokes?
Yeah, they're dirty, they ride camels, so forth.
Ride camels. " Consider it done.
Fantastic. Here you go.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You are welcome.
So what stars do you have for this movie?
A Little too Early to tell,
but we're talking to Clooney's people, Matt Damon.
Really?
Hey, we just got a call. Piscopo's out.
Joe Piscopo's out?
- Who's Joe Piscopo? - Exactly.
Mom my,
where do babies come from?
Well, babies-
they come from the stork.
Who Fucks the stork?
Hello.
Hello. Pardon me.
I'm afraid I'm lost, you see.
- Who are you? - I'm looking for the Hopkins Inn.
You with the government?
No no, lord no. I'm from London actually.
London?
Shit, you along way from home, boy.
What you do up in England?
Oh, I'm a taxidermist.
A taxi-what?
A taxidermist.
What's that mean?
It means I mount dead animals.
It's okay, boys. He's one of us.
Why Can't Arab children take
d river's ed and sex ed on the same day?
Their camels get too tired.
Arr!
It's the damnedest thing, Doc.
I've lost all hearing on my rig ht side.
I think I found the problem.
You had a suppository in your ea r.
I guess I know where my hearing aid is.
Your battery is low.
What?
Your battery is low!
Dad, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come in. Close the door.
You know that movie we're doing?
Look, it's just like those e-malls
you send me all the time, so I want you to write it.
But I've never written a movie before.
So? Before last year
you'd never written a novelty t-shirt before.
Look what a good job you did with those.
I still haven't gotten pa id for these.
Oh yea h? Well, we値l look into it.
Rig ht now we need some dirty, filthy jokes.
How dirty? I mean, Can we even find actors willing to do that stuff?
Actors are whores.
That's one of the founding principles of this business.
One time in Nashville I got an actor to jerk off on a noat meal cookie.
On camera?
No, but that's not the point.
The point is they want to be in a h it.
And if this movie is ha If as good as your t-shirts,
we're gonna be on top again.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother? - They had to amputate.
Give her my love.
Are you the manager?
Actually, no.
Oh.
Can you get him for me?
Well, he's not here rig ht now.
Is there anything that I could do for you?
Yeah.
Can you give him a message for me?
What message should I give him?
Tell him...
there's no toilet pa per in the ladies' room.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy
have in common?
They can smell it, but they Can't eat it.
Hey, Freddy taught me some cool new swears.
Yeah?
Check this out.
What do you want for breakfast, Johnny?
Fix me up some Mother Fucking pancakes, bitch.
You don't talk to me like that, you Little bastard!
Go to your room. Think a bout it. You, what do you want?
I don't know, but it sure as shit ain't pancakes.
Hi, Doc.
So how have you been?
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Yes, you're the father of one of my children.
Oh my God.
You're the stripper that I Fucked at my bachelor party
while your friend spanked me
and shoved a cucumber up my ass.
No, I'm your son's English teacher.
How's your Yorkie?
Hold on. I just wrote this one down.
How many Polacks does it take
to screw in-
Funny.
All right, now what was it?
I don't think you got what I was saying in the script notes.
What were you saying?
What I was saying is that if we just have
nothing but jokes one after another,
there's no story.
Which of these is funnier?
- I don't care. - Fair enough.
What I was saying is that I don't think
anyone's gonna sit through this entire movie
without a story.
That's all I'm saying.
So what are you saying?
We have to find a narrative-
a beginning, a middle
and an end.
So what if we take
all the characters from the jokes-
the ma in characters Like the dumb blonde,
Little Johnny, the pedophile priest-
and we give them a back story?
Like what's-my-motivation kind of shit?
Yeah, like maybe Little Johnny spent some time in foster care.
Or the d u m b blonde used to be a guy, and now she's gender -confused.
- Maybe. - Fuck no! They're jokes-
setup, punch Line, onto the next one. Come on.
Look, even in a porno film
the guy shows up with the pizza.
We know the girl has ordered the pizza.
We know he is there to deliver the pizza.
There is a story.
So you want the priest to deliver a pizza?
I'm confused.
You know what? Forget it.
- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza. - Never mind.
Or a rabbi comes to fix the cable.
- Forget I even brought it up. - Su it yourself.
Other button.
Good boy.
A blue-ball joke.
Mr. Siguera.
Yeah, how is she, Doc?
I have good news and I have bad news.
And the bad news is the accident was very severe.
She has a ruptured esophagus,
so you're gonna have to feed her through a tube dally.
- Okay. - We had to amputate both her arms,
so you're gonna have to help her in the bath room
and pretty much wipe her ass for the rest of her life.
Oh God.
There's gonna be a white milky discharge coming from her vagina.
Don't worry. It's normal but very pungent.
So make sure that you change her diaper every three to four hours.
Oh God. What's the good news?
I'm just kidding. She's dead.
Hey, babe, you wanna fuck?
Oh, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning.
I can't.
Do you have a dentist appointment?
So there we were
in Africa on safari
tracking a giant man-eating I ion for days.
Finally we made ca m p.
And that night,
just as I was falling asleep,
the I ion tore into my tent and roared-
rr-arrgh!
I shit in my pants.
Oh. Well, that's okay. If there was a I ion in my tent,
I would have shit my pants too.
No, not then. Just now when I went "Rarr-gh!"
I shit in my pants.
Did you hear about the Polish girl
who dropped her gum in the toilet?
She chewed the shit out of it.
Arr!
~ Through the perilous ~
~ Fight ~
~ Everybody was kung fu fighting ~
~ Pick up a bottle and hither ~
~ Upside her head now ~
~ 'Ca use you're fine ~
~ Don't want to get your pretty face messed up ~
~ I know I don't want to get my pretty face messed up... ~
All right, having our first audition,
ma king a movie, having an audition.
- Mm-hmm. - Did you call the actors?
The casting director does that.
Right. Right.
Having an open call,
a cattle call, as they say.
Come in, the first actor!
Give it to me.
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm, wet
and feels awesome on your cock,
and a cunt's the bitch that owns it.
We値l give you a call.
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How am I gonna find the egg through all this shit?"
Next!
You hear a bout the guy who had five cocks?
A condom fit like a glove.
Oh.
Next!
What do women and tornadoes have in common?
They moan when they come and they take the house when they leave.
- Thank you. - He seemed fine.
Oh, trust me.
I know the funny.
Next!
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Next!
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Next. Next. Next. Next.
What's round, long, hard and has sea men in it?
A sub marine.
- Thank you. - Hey!
Let me, please.
You got something, kid.
I Can feel the funny flowing from you,
but you're just not letting it go.
You gotta share the funny,
draw us in with the funny,
seduce with the funny that God gave you.
Take off your top.
Okay.
This is funny.
All right, Now let it flow.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute stops fucking you once you're dead.
Is that a boom mike in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
How does a hill Billy girl know her mother is on the rag?
Her brother's d ic k tastes really nasty.
Were we really that funny?
Hilarious.
Y ay!
You were so funny, I think I ca me.
Y ay!
- We値l call. - Y ay!
What did I tell you?
The funny- you could Smell it off' em.
I think I smelled something too.
- Whew. - Excuse me.
I tell you, this auditioning thing is exhausting. I need a nap.
- Excuse me. - I think we still have a few actors left.
No no no, tell them the shop is closed, come back tomorrow.
Hey, douche bags, I'm not here to listen to you ladies yak.
Who do I have to fuck to get a part around here?
I think I just got a second wind.
Hold all my calls.
- You don't have a phone. - Rig ht.
Morning. Welcome to the Hopkins Inn.
A Little hair of the dog that bit ya?
Give me a drink- Anything but gin.
Oh, you're not a gin guy, huh?
I hate that shit.
I drank a whole fifth of g in last night and blew Chunks.
Oh buddy, you drink a fifth of anything-
you're bound to blow chunks.
No, you don't understand.
Chunks is my dog.
A kid lost his gym shorts?
Yeah, a pair of boys� gym shorts.
These aren't boys' gym shorts. These are girls' gym shorts.
No, they're not. It's a pair of boys' gym shorts.
Look, I've been doing this for along time.
I know a pair of girls' gym shorts when I see' em.
Well, then you know that those are boys' gym shorts.
- You're wrong. - Oh please, you're wrong.
Look, these are girls' gym shorts.
It's a pair of boys' gym shorts.
Hey hey hey, what's the problem here?
He's put up a lost-and-found notice for boys' gym shorts,
and they're obviously girls'.
Boys' gym shorts,
but not from my parish.
Where do you find a one-legged dog?
Wherever you Fucking left it.
Get ready for along shift-
a pileup on the Major Deegan-
bus bringing 10 bodies.
Damn.
Did you finish that autopsy report
on the Jane Doe we fished out of the river?
Yeah, blunt force followed by asphyxiation.
Three days floating in the Hudson didn't help either.
You wouldn't believe her clitoris-
Like a dill pickle.
Green?
The other mortician goes, Eh, a Little sour. "
It's a Little-
"clitoris" is a Little strong for me.
Vulva?
Okay okay, how a bout this one?
Why did they bury the dead homo face down?
In case his friends wanted to drop by for a cold one.
No. God no.
Oh, I like that. Put that on the boa rd.
No, do not touch that marker.
- Why not? - Why not?
Look, we're not doing straight necrophilia jokes,
so we're certainly not gonna do gay necrophilia jokes.
You got a problem with gay jokes? Put it on the board.
Do not touch that marker.
Why? Since when is gender preference
any kind of factor in Fucking a corpse?
You say that like it's from persona I experience.
No, it's just that-
you don't like gay jokes, do you?
No, I-
gay jokes are fine. I悠 like gay jokes.
What are you talking a bout?
- How Can you tell if you're at a gay picnic? - How?
- Al I the hot dogs taste like shit. - Ha!
That's not funny. I don't have a problem. It's just not funny.
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. - No, it's not. No, it's not.
- You're gay, aren't you? - No, I'm n-
I've got a wife and three kids.
Fine.
No gay jokes.
It's cool.
I guess no Puerto Rican jokes either.
Puerto Rican? I'm Jewish.
Wait, hold on, hold on, I got one.
What do you call an open Can of tuna in a dyke's apartment?
Potpourri.
See, now that's funny. That is funny.
So we can make fun of the carpet munches but-
it's cool. I get it.
- Get what? - Nothing.
That is a fabulous belt you're wearing, by the way.
Oh, thank you- I know what you're doing.
Dad, I think my gym teacher's gay.
Oh?
Why do you say that?
Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him.
I was so sorry to hear a bout your wife.
We were all praying for her.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
At least she's not suffering anymore.
She was in that coma for so long.
I know.
Just when we thought she might pull out of it-
Really?
They did everything they could do.
And then the doctor said
some pleasurable stimulation
might bring her out of her coma.
He asked if she liked oral sex.
Boy, did she.
So he said
some really vigorous oral action
might take her out of her coma.
So I tried it.
What happened?
I don't know. I think she choked.
Oh God, I'm so ashamed, man.
I know I'm going to hell for the things I've done.
- Oh? What have you done? - Fucked people's pets.
Oh, that値l get you in. You are going straight to hell.
- How would you know? - I'm getting my theology degree.
- Really? Where? - On Line.
So what do they say a bout hell?
Well, it's really not so bad. Do you like to get high?
- love it. - Well, you're gonna love Mondays.
On Mondays it's 420 all the time.
You Can get as high as you want. You Can do as much drugs as you want.
You won稚 overdose 'ca use you're already dead.
Sweet.
- Do You like to gamble? - You bet.
Well, you will love Tuesdays,
'ca use you Can gamble all you want and lose all your money.
'Ca use you don't need money in the afterlife.
No alimony.
- And are you gay? - Fuck no, I'm not gay.
Then you won't like Wednesdays.
I love you, man.
I just love you so much.
I wish I could love you that much.
Oh shit.
Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
Don't sweat it.
No no no, she's gonna Fucking kill me.
I promised her I wouldn't drink.
Now she's gonna Fucking divorce me.
No no, check this out. This is what you do.
- Tell her- - Cut.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
This guy is awful.
The truth is, my hands were tied.
He's the midget's brother. It was a package deal.
- Why do we even need the midget? - Oh, gotta have a midget.
Yes, but why do we need that midget?
Oh.
That midget, my friend-
oh, that midget-
you have no idea.
Like a mongoose,
a shaved Little mongoose.
Thank you.
Do you know they make special harnesses?
Please please please stop.
- Oh Fuck. - Oh my God.
Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
Don稚 sweat it. " Cut!
- Don't sw- sorry. I'm sorry. - That's all rig ht.
You fucking asshole. I knew you'd stay out
getting wasted with your friends.
Some guy got sic k on my shirt
and he gave me 20 bucks to get it cleaned.
Oh really?
What's the other 20 for?
That is from the guy
who took a shit in my pants.
Why don't women in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Because you'd see their balls.
I always knew you were crazy,
but now I see you're nuts.
Surprised, Little boy?
- Hello, Father. - Hello, Doctor.
I've got good news and I've got bad news.
Okay, give me the bad news first.
The bad news is you have terminal Cancer.
- Oh my God. - It metastasized through your system
and there's nothing we Can do.
So what's the good news?
You know the nurse that brings you your medication?
- Yeah. - I'm Fucking her.
Oh lord.
Good evening, Ladies and gentlemen.
Here's one for you- what do you call a black hitch hiker?
Stranded.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Why did God invent the orgasm?
So black people would know when to stop Fucking.
Hey, tough crowd.
Hey, look here, I got another one for you.
Say, what's long and ha rd on a black man?
Hey.
Ha! Third grade. Get it?
Isn't he great?
What, you don't like him?
Look, we all agreed the only safe way to tell a black joke
is to have a black person tell it.
And?
Well, we couldn稚 find a black person willing to do that.
Yeah, it's called self-respect.
Yeah, so I got to thinking a bout
all the great ventriloquist teams of our times-
your Bergen and McCarthy痴, your Simon and Garfunkels.
And it h its me- you get a black puppet,
he値l be the one telling the jokes.
And why the clansman?
I rony.
Give us another.
What did the black lady get when she had an abortion?
A $500 check from Crime Stoppers.
Good night. Try the chitlins.
Look at that. You Can't even see his lips move.
That's Because he's wearing a hood.
I know. Isn't it great?
Could you take the hood off, please?
What the- he's a goddamn China man.
Hey hey! Hey.
A Little sensitivity.
Wing Thai is no China man.
He's a Singaporean.
That's a team player.
Did he just call me a limp dick?
Boys, would you look at that?
I wish I could do that.
I think you'd better pet him first.
I fucked your mother.
Go home, Dad. You're drunk.
You know what you want there, fell as?
Yeah, I値l just have the hamburger.
And I will have the hot dog.
Sure thing. Coming up.
Be careful- a hot plate.
There you go.
Uh, why was my hamburger under your arm?
I was keeping it warm for you.
Let's cancel that hot dog.
Wrong names.
Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.
Hey, T each, you got a Light?
Johnny, when did you start smoking?
The first time I got laid.
When was that?
I don't remember. I was drunk.
Hello.
Hello, son. How you doing?
I'm doing good.
How is your rotation? Have you decided on a specialty yet?
I think I'm gonna go into gynecology.
Gynecology? Why gynecology?
I hear there's lots of openings.
Excuse me, may I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
If you woke up at the top of a mountain
in the middle of a snowdrift with a black eye
and a stinging pa in in your rectum,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Really?
Would you like to go skiing?
Hey, babe,
how a bout tonight? You wanna fuck?
I have a follow-up visit with the gynecologist.
Are you seeing the proctologist?
What do you have for me? And please give me something we can use.
Okay okay, how a bout this?
What do you get when you take a baby-
Eh eh eh! I said no dead baby jokes.
- But it's not a dead baby joke. - Save it.
- It's not- it's not a dead baby joke. - Uh-huh.
It's not. It's alive.
What?
The baby- when you do the thing
with the baby,
it's alive.
You're a sic k Fuck.
No, I'm not. Listen to this.
- What do you get when you take a baby- - I don't want to hear it.
- What do you get when you take a baby- - No, stop.
I'm not listening. I'm not li-la-lala-lala!
Lalalalalalalalalalala!
He's rig ht. It's not dead.
I don't want to hear it! I don't want to know!
- I don't want to hear it! - But it's really funny.
I don't care. We are filming this.
How are you gonna film a dead baby joke?
A stunt baby?
You just don't understand funny.
Dead baby jokes are not funny.
- But it's not dead. - Drop it!
It's not a dead baby joke.
I heard that.
You really think a baby could survive that?
So I told her, "Ass, gas or grass, bitch.
Nobody rides for free. "
Hey, Brian.
Do I know you?
U m, it's Blair, remember?
I met you here at the toga party.
We went up to your room, remember?
You told me I was a good sport.
Hey, Blair baby, how are you doing?
Well, I'm pregnant...
Oh shit.
...and I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Wow, you really are a good sport.
May I ask you a question?
Sure.
If you woke up in the middle of the woods
with your pants around your ankles
and Vaseline smeared all over your ass,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Really?
Would You like to go camping?
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic- you use a feather.
Kinky- you use the whole chicken.
You see, honey,
this is the pig that I Fuck when you have a headache.
You idiot,
that's a chicken, not a pig.
I wasn't talking to you.
What the Fuck? What do you mean, you have no money?
I got the boa rd to sign off on this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my guy with the jerk-off emporium.
He's having some liquidity issues.
What the hell does that mean?
He's been sent to federal prison.
Oh Jesus.
Prostitution?
Actually no. It turns out
his jerk-off booths weren't handicapped-accessible.
What the Fuck? I can稚 get in here.
The Supreme Court ruling ca me down yesterday-
Harrison vs. ladyfingers"
A five-to-four ruling.
Clarence Thomas was the deciding vote.
Go fig u re.
Well, where does that leave us?
We always got plan B.
It's not the lowest we've sunk.
Okay, Morty, thanks for dropping by.
Thanks for the news. Get out of here. We値l call.
Okay, I Can fix it with the jerk-off king. I just need a day or two.
We're fine. I値l call you. I値l call you.
Can I talk to you guys for a second?
- We're kind of in the middle of something. - It's pretty urgent.
I've been doing the projections and we don't have enough money
- to finish the shoot. - How bad is it?
For starters, we have to pull all the midget jokes.
You Fucking asshole.
Ah.
Fucking asshole.
You Little punch Fucker.
Eh, they're uppity. We don't need their attitude.
I loved that midget.
You Fucked her.
Losing the midget is gonna hurt us overseas.
What do you need? Without the midget.
I'm gonna need an extra $217.
Well...
that's not gonna happen.
It's gotta happen. I've cut every corner possible.
And all the sets are starting To look vaguely familiar.
Stop worrying.
We thought this might come up.
What's this?
- Plan B. - Market research.
- What for? - To sell Commercials.
- Commercials? - Commercials.
- You want to sell Commercials? - Yeah.
- In a movie? - Never been done.
Well, don't you think there's a good reason for that?
Oh, they're not commercials exactly, More like sponsor ships.
You take the most expensive jokes
and you have them underwritten by a corporate sponsor,
- like... - PBS.
Rig ht, so for instance
"This evening's violent gay butt-rape joke
will be brought to you by the American Musical Theater Association. "
- You got it. - Exactly.
Yeah Well, while you're at it,
all your black jokes Can be paid for with ma It liquor ads.
Actually, that's what the market research says.
I was kidding. I have to be careful, you know.
Some of my best friends are black.
Okay, you're rig ht. They're not.
It値l be fine.
The commercials will be done tastefully.
Seamlessly. The audience won't even know it's happening.
When I was a boy, g rowing up here
in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee,
my g rand pa used to take me trout fishing.
And every fishing tri p we'd take,
he'd be sure to bring along
a Can of little Vienna Sausages.
'Cause little Vienna Sausages
are more than just artificial gelatin
And leftover cattle feces.
They're a parTof g rowing up.
Around lunchtime
I'd go digging in his rucksack
and I'd eat up the whole Can.
Boy, it'd give me the shits
something terrible.
I guess I was just too young to know better.
And G rand pa- Well, by that point
he was just too drunk to care.
We never did catch many fish,
but it didn't matter so much.
Thanks to my Little Vienna Sausages,
I'd usually be stuck on the toilet
by the time Grandpa started ranting a bout Com m u n ism
and beating his woman.
Little Vienna Sausages.
Just a Little taste of America.
I'm telling you, my guy's gonna come through.
Morty, look, little Vienna Sausages came through.
Between the commercials and product placements, we're fine.
- So I can take the whole box? - Please.
Look who's living large. So what are you gonna do with all this money?
Are you gonna get a big movie star for your movie?
I hear Rod Steiger's out of work.
Rod Steiger's dead.
Rig ht, there you go. How a bout Scott Baio?
Eh.
- Fred Thompson? - No.
Richard Gere.
Richard Gere? "An Officer and a Gentleman" Richard Gere?
What the hell would he do with racist bestiality joke movie?
I don't know. He might be into it.
- You've heard those stories a bout him. - What stories?
- You know. - Know what?
- He put Goebbels up his ass. - He did what?
Goebbels- he put Goebbels up his ass.
- Goebbels? - Yeah.
Yeah, Goebbels- the German guy.
- Joseph Goebbels? - That's him.
- The Nazi minister of propaganda? - That's him. That's the guy.
Richard Gere put Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
- That's how they got him out of Germany. - What?
- At the end of the war... - Yeah?
- ... when they were smuggling Goebbels to Argentina...
- Rig ht. - ... the only way to get Goebbels out
of Germany was inside Richard Gere's ass.
Richard Gere? The Richard Gere?
- The guy from "Pretty Woman"? - The very same.
Went from Berlin to Buenos Aires with Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
I know. Ain't it crazy?
- You know? What do you know? - Everybody knows.
- He wasn't even around then. - When?
- At the same time as Goebbels. - Says who?
Says no body. He hadn't been born yet.
Then let me ask you, why would my Uncle make all this up?
- Your Uncle? - My Uncle.
What's your Uncle got to do with it?
- He worked at the hospital. - What hospital?
The hospital where they had to remove Goebbels.
- What? - He got stuck.
- Oh, stop it. - Yeah.
- Come on. - I'm telling you.
He put Goebbels up there and then he couldn稚 get him out.
You're telling me Richard Gere had Goebbels...
- Yeah. - ... jammed so far up there,
he couldn稚 get him out without the help
- of major surgery? - That is correct.
- Oh please! - I'm telling you.
- He's a devout Buddhist. - So?
So why would a devout Buddhist go and shove Goebbels up his ass?
I don't know. Maybe he's some kind of pervert.
- These movies stars are pretty freaky. - Not that freaky.
- What, you know Richard Gere? - No, I do not know Richard Gere.
But I do know Richard Gere did not do nothing with no Goebbels.
- That's crazy. - Well...
My cousin though- he was at that party
where Rod Stewart swallowed all that jizz and had to have his stomach pumped.
Now that's true. Everybody knows that.
Hello.
- Mr. Albertson? - Yes.
Yeah, this is Sheriff Duncan down at the station.
It's a bout your son.
I'm afraid I've got good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
Well, your son, it turns out, was at ranny.
He was dressing up In ladies' clothes
and hanging out down by the docks
and tricking longshoremen into letting him give them blow jobs.
What's the good news?
Oh, the good news is he's been murdered.
Hi.
I値l take a gin and tonic.
- What's that? - Just try it.
That tastes like gin.
Turn it around.
That tastes like tonic.
Okay, how a bout a vodka, orange juice?
That's vodka.
Turn it around.
That's orange juice. That's amazing.
- Pretty neat, huh? - Yeah, I値l say.
You seem to be a smart girl.
You know where I can get some pussy around here?
Jesus! That tastes like shit.
Turn it around.
I have bad news and I have really bad news.
What's the really bad news?
You have terminal Cancer. You only have six months to live.
- What's the bad news? - You have Alzheimer's.
Well, at least I don't have Cancer.
- You wanted to see me? - Come on in.
Is there a problem?
No, no problem,
a concern.
Now you know the jokes you sent me? Some very funny stuff,
but they're not very sexy.
Well, we're not ma king some sort of...
- No. - ... soft-core porn thing.
No, but you gotta keep your eye
on the target audience-
the marginally educated,
the easily led, bigoted,
your stoners, the hopelessly immature.
- Americans? - Yes.
So let me just show you what I'm thinking here.
Doll face, come on up.
This is Tiffany.
She's new to the business.
Been out here, what, six months now?
- Eight years. - Rig ht.
A very talented kid. I met her at this thing.
But, I don't know, I want to use her somehow.
Well, I don't know exactly-
Well, since you're asking, this is what I was thinking-
you know those bumpers that we got in between the scenes-
you know, man-on-the-street- telling-the-joke kind of stuff?
Well, Tiffany here is a dancer -
does stag nights, bat mitzvahs, whatnot.
So I'm thinking she comes on out
- in between the scenes... - Uh-huh.
...dances a Little bit,
and then tells a joke.
Well, I guess
it's very sort of postmodern vaudevillian.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
That's exactly what I said. Didn't I, honey?
I mean, with the mainstreaming of pornography,
it's only natural that it should go to vaudeville.
Vaudeville, right.
So, honey, show the man what I taught you.
Baby, the other thing.
The other thing.
Oh, okay.
- The other thing. - Okay.
How do you get an Iraqi woman pregnant?
How?
I forgot.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
No no no, she's got it. She's got it.
Come here, honey.
- Huh? Huh? - Okay.
- Don't worry. Relax. - Okay. Okay.
- All right. - Ahem.
And action.
How do you get an Iraqi woman pregnant?
Come on her feet And let the flies do the rest.
Huh? Did I tell you the kid's a natural, huh?
This isn't going to Sundance, is it?
Not unless we add subtitles.
Okay, I have good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
You have Alzheimer's.
Well, what's the good news?
You Can hide your own Easter eggs.
~ Rockets' red glare ~
~ You know ~
~ How I hate glares ~
~ Cut the shit with this glare, please ~
~ Cut the glare right now, right now, ri- ~
Coach, you got a sec?
Yeah, sure. Come on in, kid. What's on your mind?
Well, Coach,
you know those supplements you've got us on-
the steroids?
Yeah.
Well, I know we want to win State,
but there's a problem.
What is it?
I have hair on my c hest.
Oh Jesus. How far down does that go?
All the way to my balls.
Okay, so we're gonna schedule
your breast augmentation surgery for next Wednesday.
- Thank you, Doctor. - You're welcome.
- I have one other question. - Yes?
I'm leaving my husband Because he likes to fuck poultry,
and I read a bout this hymen reconstruction surgery
that Can restore your virginity.
Does it really work?
Well, yes and no.
Think of it this way-
You can roll back the odometer,
but you never get back that new ca r smell.
Hey, what did the hooker say to the Chihuahua?
Hey! Watch the nylons. "
You like jokes?
You like blow jobs?
What do you call a Mexican guy
with a rubber toe?
What?
Ru-ber-to.
No.
Okay, what's red and green
and yellow and orange and purple and pink?
- What? - A black guy dressed for church.
- No. - Okay.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the Little boy?
Hey, Little boy, wanna buy some candy?"
Oh, come on, that's funny.
He wants to fuck the kid, but he's too cheap to give him the candy.
- It's a classic. - It's not a classic.
It's bullshit. Not all Jews are cheap.
Cheap?
That's the part of the joke that offends you- the cheap part?
- Yes. - It's okay that he's a pedophile?
He just can稚 be a cheap pedophile?
Yes.
Explain that one.
There's no stereotype of Jews as pedophiles,
so to say that this particular Jewish person is a pedophile
does nothing to perpetuate false generalizations
a bout the Jewish people.
Saying that they control the media or that they're cheap,
on the other hand, is offensive.
So he Can diddle Little boys As long as he pays retail for them?
I'm done.
That's the problem with you and with everyone else.
Everyone gets so offended a bout their own stereotypes,
- they have no concern for anyone else. - I have-
- What if I was a victim of child abuse? - You weren't-
Or him?
But that doesn't matter to you
As long as your people don't get hurt.
Child abuse is a terrible thing, man.
It tears families apart.
Do you even know what the number-one cause of pedophilia is?
What?
Sexy kids.
That's sic k. Go Fuck yourself.
- Oh, come on! - You will never work in this town again!
Oh yeah, like you're the one that controls the media.
I have relatives!
Oh hey, it's okay.
They don't really control the media.
Let's hope they don't, huh?
Right.
What a bout the Mexican jokes?
Oh, that's fine. They don't control anything.
What is the difference
between a Jew and a canoe?
The Canoe might tip.
What's the problem?
Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Don't worry.
I am gonna write you a prescription.
What for?
Pepper.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
Paratrooper training- Really-really rough.
- I almost didn't make it through. - What happened?
Well, we went up for our first jump.
My turn came.
I got rig ht up to the plane bay doors
And I panicked. I chickened out. I couldn稚 do it.
- Holy shit. - I back off,
and then my sergeant yells at me,
"You j u m p out of this plane right now Or I値l stick my cock up your ass!"
Did you jump?
A little at first.
- This dancing bimbo girl. - Mm-hmm.
- You a I ready Fucked her, rig ht? - Oh, and how.
Then just let it go. Please.
Let me make a movie- A real movie.
I値l put tits in it. I値l put tits in it, I swear-
big titties, Little titties,
flapjack titties, wall-to-wall titties
as far as the eye Can see.
Just let me do it with a Little taste,
with my vision.
Please.
It's not what it looks like.
What would your at her - a war with Iraq?
Or a whore with a rack?
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the bank. How Can I help you?
Hey, sugar tits. I'd like to open a Fucking account in your bank.
Excuse me?
You heard me, bitch. I want to open
a Fucking account in your Fucking bank.
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to help you if you continue
to speak to me like that. Jim, I have a problem.
Hey, I'm Jim, the branch manager.
What seems to be the problem?
No Fucking problem.
I just won $70 million in the Fucking lottery
and I want to put the Fucking money in your Fucking bank.
And this cunt won't help you?
You're fired.
What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist
have in common?
They both ca me in a Little behind.
Will the owner of a 1982 Ford Festival, green and gold,
Please move your car? It's really fucking ugly.
So you're here to donate plasma?
Yeah, I just got fired from my job,
so I really need the 20 bucks.
Well, that's too bad. I'm here for the sperm myself.
You get an even 100.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow, that must be nice.
Pays the bills, you know.
Hey there.
So you're back to get another 20 for your plasma, huh?
H m-m m m.
Okay, and that's Lunch, everybody.
Just so you know,
we had to Cancel the catering truck,
but there are some bagels left over from yesterday.
And of course
there is more Vienna Sausage.
Hey! Stop! We need to talk.
Okay, let me just get my lunch.
- No, now. Let痴 talk. - Okay, okay.
- Do I have your attention? - Yes.
All right, I'm gonna make this very clear - you're Fucking this movie.
I don't know what you're talking a bout.
You know damn well what I'm talking a bout.
- No, I don't. - Eh! Now you're gonna listen to me
Because I am the producer and I am in charge
or this film. Do we understand each other?
- Yes. - Do we understand each other?!
- Yes! - All right.
You promised me tits. I've seen no tits.
You promised me midgets. You went over budge ton that.
And I've been talking to the writers.
They're complaining a bout you killing the best jokes.
This film's coming in under time.
Now wait a minute. You wait a Fucking god damn minute!
I am the director! I direct!
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You want to make some cheap piece of shit here, but I have a vision,
and that's to explore jokes and laughter
and see how it shapes us as communities.
You know, in a joke there's a schism
between reality and perception.
And if we could just get into that schism
and just get in there and crack it open
and really make people laugh
and make them understand
that, you know, we're all in this together
and we have to have a sense of humor about ourselves.
And that's so important. If Germans had a sense of humor,
maybe there wouldn't have been a Holocaust.
If we could bring laughter to Darfur,
we could end this horrible,
Lamentable tragedy that's going on there.
I just think as artists
we need to take our art
and use it like a mega phone
to shine a Light on human suffering
and really know that there's
always...
hookers.
All right, let's strike the set
and set up for the Australian dildo accident.
Seems like a life time has passed
since I was a young boy
g rowing up in the Smoky Mountains
of Tennessee.
Oh, I know lain't as young as I used to be,
but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy
making time with a lady.
And whenever I bring a hot piece of ass
back to my place for dinner
and a night of animal love making,
I make sure and have
a Can of Little Vienna Sausages.
Because little Vienna Sausages
are more than just artificial gelatin
And left over cattle feces.
They're a mind-blowing aphrodisiac
that値l give any girl
a Little breeze between her legs.
Last Friday
I was in the shower with Tawni.
The soapy lather
was dripping off her supple breasts.
And thanks to my Little Vienna Sausages,
her nipples were on fire.
She dropped the soap,
grabbed the back of my head and said,
"Take a bite of peach. "
We made love for hours.
And when we woke up in the morning-
Well, I guess you know
what I made her for breakfast.
Little Vienna Sausages.
Just a Little taste of America.
I'm worried, Doc. I think I got my secretary pregnant.
It's okay. I'm gonna give you
a prescription for the male birth control pill.
Really? Does it work?
Oh yeah, you take it the day after
and it changes your blood type.
Can I take it on an empty stomach?
No, take it on an empty conscience.
Oh, I will.
Would you like me to wrap that up for you?
No, but I値l take The little Vienna Sausages.
Single, right?
Yeah. How did you guess?
Because I wanted Little Vienna Sausages?
No, 'ca use you're Fucking ugly.
Why do people from Iraq stink so bad?
So even blind people could hate them.
What one sagging titty say to the other sagging titty?
"We'd better get some support,
or people are gonna start thinking we're nuts. "
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lick-a-lotta-puss.
Psst, you, come here.
How are the racist jokes coming?
They're coming good. I'm trying to branch out,
- play with the form a Little bit. - How so?
I ca me up with a racist fart joke.
How does it go?
What did George Washington Carver say
after he invented pork and beans?
What?
- That's as far as I've gotten. - Wonderful.
Now look, I've been thinking a bout this,
- and we've got to have the ni- - Shh shh shh.
Rig ht, thanks.
We've got to push the edge of the envelope here
to make up for lost time. Gotta use the N-word.
You want to drop the N-bomb? Oh, I don't know.
This is a dirty joke movie,
and that is the ultimate dirty joke.
I値l see what I Can dig up.
Good man.
- All we need is one. - Just one?
Just one.
Okay, class, today we're gonna learn
a bout animals on the farm and the sounds they make.
Who knows what a duck says?
Eddie.
A duck says, "Quack, quack. "
Very good.
Who knows what a cow says?
Suzy.
- A cow says "Moo. " - Excellent.
Now who Can tell me what a pig says?
Little Johnny.
A pig says,
"Get up against the wall! Put your hands on your head,
you black mother Fucker!"
Hello.
Doc, this is Mr. Albertson.
Did you get the test results back on my wife?
Yes, we did, but they're a Little Unclear.
She either has Al DS or Alzheimer's.
What do I do?
Take her out for a drive and drop her a few miles from the house.
If she comes home, don't Fuck her.
Oh man, look at that goat.
It's stuck.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know a bout you,
but I know what I'm gonna do.
Oh yea h.
Oh man.
- Want some of this action? - Hell yeah.
But I ain't sticking my head through no fence.
When I saw you at the bar tonight,
something just ca me over me.
I've never been with a black man before.
I'm wondering
if it's true what they say.
Oh, it's true, baby.
Oh, then come over here and show me
what you big black bucks do best.
I'm sorry, man. I can稚 do this.
Cut!
All right, what's the problem? Did you forget the bloc king?
Bloc king? Fuck the bloc king!
I'm not doing this shit, man.
Why not?
This shit is demeaning to my people.
Which people? Little people or -
Black people, motherfucker!
Okay, okay, we Can discuss any kind of uncomfortable ness.
Is it the Line?
I don't even think you have a Line there.
Can I see the script, please?
Hello, Can I get the sides?
I got it. I got it.
Okay, what's the action here?
She says, "Then come over here
and show me what you big black bucks do best. "
And then he punches her in the face,
- steals her stereo and runs away. - Fuck that.
Look, I know this is a really-
could you just look at me?
Sir? little-
I'm coming around. I'm coming around.
I'm coming around. I'm coming around!
Look, I know it's a Little edgy,
but that's the kind of movie we're ma king here.
It's- we're pushing buttons.
It's a very political movie. We've got Arab jokes.
Or course you've got Arab jokes.
We're at war with the Arabs.
Telling Arab jokes is practically a patriotic duty.
I値l talk to him for five seconds.
Hey, what's the deal? I thought we couldn稚 get any blacks
- to be in this movie. - He's just a Little black.
Right. Wait, I thought
we couldn't afford any dwarves either.
He's a black dwarf. They're less than the white ones.
- In this day and age? - You hate to take advantage but-
you know, there are still parts of the South he Can't vote.
Voter discrimination is still legal?
No, he can稚 reach the levers.
Okay, just give me one second, jusTone second.
Look, we're doing a joke movie
and there's no jokes
that people love telling more than racist jokes.
I mean, why won't Texans
put Mexicans in the electric chair?
Because it's too hard to puTout the grease fires.
Yeah? Everybody loves them.
Yeah, my sister dated a Mexican.
They're some greasy mother Fuckers.
See? You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on the Starship Enterprise?
Because they don't work in the future either.
Wait. Wait. wait, I got one, I got one.
Ahem- why did the Jews
spend 40 years wandering in the desert?
They heard someone dropped a quarter.
Okay, I think that's a bout enough.
They are so cheap.
Oh, this is really good. This is great.
What is the difference between a park bench and a black man?
A park bench Can support a family of four.
Oh boy.
This is so good.
What did the black kid get for Christmas? My bike!
Fuck you.
Call me.
Do you have any Aryan in you?
No.
Would you like some?
That kinky little bastard!
Look what I found in your son's closet!
- look. - Oh sweet Jesus.
What are we gonna do a bout it?
Oh, I don't know,
but we shouldn't spank him.
Boy, you've done a fine job working on my farm.
I'm gonna hate to lose you.
- Oh, thank you. - In fact, tonight
I'm gonna throw you a going-away party.
All right.
I hope you Can handle your liquor,
'ca use there's gonna be A lot of boozing.
I love boozing.
And there might be some fighting too.
I love fighting.
Good for you, 'ca use there's gonna be
a whole lot of Fucking.
Well, I love me some Fucking.
What do you want me to wear to the party?
I don't care.
Ain't gonna be but the two of us.
Hey, buddy. The wife let you out tonight?
No no, she volunteers two nights a week at the tempura house.
Tempura house? That's that new sushi restaurant?
No no, it's a shelter for Lightly battered women.
Hello.
Hello, son. How is it going?
Hiya, Dad. I think I need a change. I want to be a mortician.
A mortician? Why a mortician?
I'm really good with people.
All right, cut! Cut.
Hold on a second. This was very sloppy.
- Are you drunk or something? - No.
Are you sure? What is the-
This is prop, rig ht? Props are-
This is- this is real.
I'm method.
Yeah, so was Marlon Brando, but he didn't get
blown out of his mind. What's wrong with you?
Heate.
He got fat. He didn't get high.
He could at least remember hisli-
What's g- what's your name?
You don't even know- he doesn't even know his name!
Get rid of him.
It just said Doctor" in the script.
You're fired!
You got I D?
Oh, what値l it be, Dr. Katz?
Martini, olives, up. Make it dirty.
If you woke up in the jungle-
Fuck you.
You're late.
I know. I'm sorry.
Somebody is going to get a span king.
Hello.
H i, how are you?
Good. Are you the girl that gives the hand jobs?
I sure am.
Wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich.
- No no no! - Oh, calm down.
It's a - joke.
Don't say that word.
They値l throw us into racist rehab or worse.
- For saying -? - Yes, I've been to rehab. I know.
- Oh please. - - -! - Stop it!
You know, I think the kid has a point here.
Calling them - is a little over the line.
Over the Line my ass. Why Can't we call them -?
- call each other - all the time.
- They're allowed to call each other -. - Why can稚 we call them -?
I don't know. It's some unwritten code or something.
I asked my ma id a bout that once.
Your ma id is from the Ukraine.
I know. They really hate -.
I think it's okay to make fun of a -
As long as you don't call hima -.
That doesn't make one bit of sense.
- I don't make the rules. - Well, who does make the rules?
I mean, Can a spic call a - a -?
Can a - call a spic a spic?
Depends on who's holding the knife.
Look look look, guys. I don't know a bout you,
but I a m not having that word in my movie.
Oh really? Why not?
- Why not? - Yeah, why not?
I'm gonna tell you why not.
How many black people do you see in this room?
Is Tupac in this room? Is Biggie in this room?
They're dead.
Eh.
That's not- my point is
we are not black. If any of us were black, we could say it.
But we're not, so we Can't.
Look, if you say " Black person" too many times,
people will just think you're too scared to say -.
I am afraid to say -.
You son of a bitch.
Maybe there's some half-offensive term we could use,
something somewhere in between " black person" and -.
- "African-American. " - Thank you, sweetie.
Did you know if you mouth the word "snicker,"
It looks just like you're saying the word -?
- What good does that do us? - All right, look, guys,
we need a - joke.
He is rig ht!
He's rig ht! You know where this company went wrong?
You know where all of American comedy went wrong?
When we started pandering,
going for those cheap laughs
with the warmed-over, politically-correct bullshit.
Our comedy used to have teeth.
It used to have balls!
And now everyone's so afraid
of stepping on toes, of saying the wrong thing.
Well, fuck it! We do it all.
Why did the faggot cross the road?
How many Dagos to screw in a Light bulb?
We're gonna get the krauts, the frogs, the kikes.
Micks, camel joc keys.
The macacas, the wetbacks.
- Ali Babas. - Bone smugglers.
- Snow mon keys. - Pencil-dickhon keys.
- Cripples. - Trannies.
- Harelips. - Burn victims.
Yes.
We are going to make fun of people
using some of the greatest jokes ever told.
And this movie-
this movie will go down in history
as one of the greatest comedies
the earth has ever known.
You've been found guilty.
Your movie is a hate crime.
Y ay!
Quiet in the court.
Are you sending us to racist rehab?
Rehabs are for pussies.
- Where's our fucking lawyer? - Quiet in the court.
- Don't tell me to be quiet. - It値l get worse.
- Don't tell me to be quiet. - Shut up.
Your fucking movie is a disgrace.
- Your Honor, I resent that remark. - The movie is filthy,
- nasty, class "A" dirty. - Fine.
You should be ashamed of yourself ma king fun of midgets,
black people, crippled people,
- burned people, Jewish people. - Your Honor, if I may correct you,
- There was no burn victim, for the record. - There was no burn victim.
Quiet. Somebody shut those two crackers up.
Hey, I heard that.
- Your Honor, I object- - Quiet. Quiet.
- Your Ho佑an I- - Quiet. Quiet.
You're now sentenced for 25 years in prison.
- 25 years? - I figured, the worst- seven to 10.
- That's gonna hurt. - Please, you Can't send me to prison.
- Sit down, boy. - I haven't done anything wrong.
I've got lots of black friends, I swear.
Name one.
He's in Vancouver.
I- I- I volunteer at soup kitchens.
You've only seen the bad evidence. You've only seen the bad evidence.
Just watch this last scene. Just watch this last scene.
Watch it and you値l see what I was trying to do.
You値l see that I'm a n artist.
Please!
This poor cracker's going crazy.
Don't send me to 25 years in prison, please!
Please! Please.
You must be the man from the government.
I heard you was coming' down.
Yes, sir.
We're down here in Mississippi investigating a disappearance
of a busload of black gospel singers from Detroit.
Yep-yep, they came through here all right,
about a week back.
There was a hailstorm- bad.
They lost control of their vehicle,
plunged over the guard rail, went down the embankment
and crashed down at the bottom of the gulley.
It was terrible- bodies everywhere.
- Oh my God. - Well, you said it.
We couldn't handle that kind of accident,
not with our little mortuary,
so we had a minister come on up
and say some words and bless the bodies,
and we buried them right there on the spot.
- That's just terrible. - Oh, indeed it was.
It's unbelievable. And you say they're all dead?
Well, you know, some of them said they wasn't,
but you know how - lie.
I should kick all three of your butts.
Okay, 25 years is fair.
~ And the home ~
~ Of the brave. ~
This movie is bullshit.
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
~ Bom bom bom ~
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom... ~
You want to make some cheap piece of shit here?
Well, I have a vision.
And that vision is
since I didn't get a guest shot on "Oz,"
- I'm taking my piece now! - Oh God.
Do you want to see this or the hot chicks?
I think this could be much hotter.
Actors are whores.
That's the principal foundation of this business.
You know, years ago
I got an actor in Nashville to come-
oh shit.
In Nashville once I got an actor to jerk off on a oatmeal-
oh shit, I'm sorry.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother? - They had to amputate.
Oh, too bad. S-
I've gotta act. I've got a job.
Hey, Mario, what's that-
I'm done.
Oh God, that's the problem with you-
- Sorry, I got- I'm sorry. - I hit you.
I got hit right in the face. Sorry.
I'm done.
See, that's the problem with you...
and with-
God damn it!
Pencil-dick hon keys.
Dick Cheney.
- You gotta keep him up. - Oh, sorry-sorry.
Hello, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints.
- The Mormons. - Are your parents home?
What the fuck do you think?
Cut.
Holy shit.
Well, that's our movie for tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it and come back and see
" Dirty Movie 2: Whitey's Revenge. "
Stop.
You're giving me a headache.
Time for dinner.
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh. ~
Do you want me to turn my head and cough?
Man, that'd be kind of hot.