♪ If there's an ocean, it's just a puddle
♪ That I've got to get across
♪ Any mountain I'll climb over
♪ Like a kid on the monkey bars
♪ I know you're out there somewhere
♪ I know you'll miss me just like I miss you
♪ No matter what I'll get there
♪ And you know I'll never stop
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run, run, run
♪ I'm gonna run to you
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run, run, run
♪ I'm gonna run to you
♪ You know I'll find you I'm never far behind you
♪ I swear these words are true
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run, run, run
♪ I'm gonna run to you
♪ Every minute
♪ I'm getting closer I'm gonna show you
♪ Any second I'll run through that door
♪ Here I come, yeah!
♪ Oh, here I come
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run, run, run
♪ I'm gonna run to you
♪ I'm gonna run, run, run, run, run
♪ I'm gonna run to you ♪
Guess what, Charlie?
We're one day away from going on your first trip on an airplane
and celebrating our first Christmas
at Grandma and Grandpa's new condo in Palm Springs!
You're going to have so much fun.
No, no, no, Mom, you have to toddler-proof the place.
Just so long as you don't touch anything.
No, anything breakable has to be at least three feet off the ground.
Uh-oh.
Make that four. I gotta go.
Charlie, get back in here!
No, no, no, stay away, there's shards everywhere!
Are you eating a cookie in the living room?
You get back here!
And stay away!
Mom's a little frazzled.
Mom, why are you so stressed out?
Because this is an extremely important Christmas.
Why?
Because!
Of... The...
Because we're going to Palm Springs!
Why is that more stressful?
You don't have to cook, you don't have to clean.
You can just sit out by the pool.
At what price, Teddy? At what price?
What if we lose the things that make Christmas in Denver so special?
Like the blizzards? The endless chapped lips?
Listening to Mrs. Dabney's talking Santa go "Ho, ho, ho,"
on an endless, rip-your- own-eardrums-out loop?
No, I'm talking about our family traditions!
Mom, I'm pretty sure Dad's going to overeat
and get heartburn no matter where we are.
No. The good traditions!
Like making little tree-shaped pancakes on Christmas morning!
We can do that at Grandma's.
I'm pretty sure flour and eggs are available nationwide.
Okay. What about...
What about the star?
What?
The star on the tree tradition.
Where your father takes the littlest Duncan in his arms
and lifts her high to the heavens,
to crown the tree with its finest jewel.
That is so not a big deal.
Are you kidding me?
Do you know how important that is to your sister?
Look, Charlie! It's the star!
And what do we do with it on Christmas Eve?
No, no, no, we don't eat the star.
No, no, no, we do not throw the star.
We are not Christmas ninjas.
See? Not a big deal.
Ho, ho, ho.
It is so cold out there,
I'm pretty sure I saw a snowman shivering!
PJ, will you tell your sister
how important the star on the Christmas tree tradition is.
The what? On the what?
Whatever.
Guys, check this out.
Snowmen!
You bought a Christmas swimsuit?
Uh, no, I bought
two Christmas swimsuits.
Well, that was money well spent.
I know!
I cannot wait to get to sunny Palm Springs,
where the only thing that's frozen are the slushies.
Ho, ho, ho.
Wow. That never gets old. Hey!
Look what I got for 30 bucks.
A stroller? Yeah, a stroller.
And a car seat! And an airplane seat!
And it's completely convertible!
I press this button right here,
the whole thing retracts.
In theory.
Come on!
It was 30 bucks!
Will you please tell your kids
how important the star on the tree tradition is?
Uh, kids, very important.
What is? The thing that your mom said.
Whatever.
Ow! Ow!
Gabe.
Gabe!
What? I'm only 15 levels away from capturing the Stone of Mitrios.
Galaxy of Death Two is totally addictive!
How is it that you're already playing your Christmas present?
Did I say two?
I meant one. Galaxy of Death One.
Obviously! 'Cause to play Two,
I would've had to figure out where you hid the presents,
secretly unwrap mine, take out the game disk,
rewrap the empty box, and, um...
Have I told you lately how much I love you?
How important is the star on the tree tradition to you?
How important do you want it to be?
Wouldn't be Christmas without it.
It really wouldn't.
Tell your siblings that?
I'll tell everybody that! I'll call random strangers and tell them!
Excellent.
Oh. Can I bring my game system to Grandma's?
No, you may not.
Okay. No big deal.
And I will be searching your luggage before we leave.
Dang it!
"If handles do not retract, apply gentle pressure."
You know, it might be a feature.
Like it's a combination car-seat-stroller-exercise- machine.
Okay, just so you know, Teddy,
that star on the tree tradition means everything to your brother Gabe!
Where is it?
Ho, ho, ho.
Can it, Santa! Hey. Hi, Mr. D.
Hey!
Wow. What's going on in here?
We're going to Palm Springs for Christmas.
Oh, right!
Two plane rides to exotic destinations in four months.
You did tell your parents about Spring Break, right?
We have to book those tickets by next week.
No, I know! I know! I'm just waiting for a good time to ask.
Is now a good time?
Really?
I can't find the star, okay? Umm.
No star! Christmas is ruined!
All right. Not a good time.
But just remember, if you don't book that ticket soon,
you're gonna be spending Spring Break right on that couch.
Ho, ho, ho. And I'm going out the back.
Oh! Victory!
So... Dad.
Daddy-o.
Big D. Don't add to the stress, kiddo.
Why are you guys so on edge?
And why's Mom freaking out about that stupid star on the tree?
Honey, because sometimes the thing that you focus on
isn't the thing that's causing all the stress.
So what is?
The... Well, it's...
The...
The first time we're spending Christmas
at your grandparents' new place in Palm Springs.
So?
So...
So, when I married your mom,
your grandmother thought...
Your grandmother thought I was an idiot
that had ruined her daughter's life.
This is my chance to change that impression.
Dad, you've been spending Christmas with Grandma for 20 years.
And I really think this is my year.
What?
Oh! Mom, Mom, Mom. Okay, so...
Ivy and I have this awesome opportunity!
Her aunt lives in Florida. On the beach!
And she said that Ivy and I could stay with her over Spring Break.
Isn't that great? Yeah, sure.
If you were 23 years old.
Teddy, you are too young to go across the country without an adult.
Mom, that is so unfair!
End of story! We are not spending another minute discussing this.
But, Mom, you let me baby-sit Charlie.
Why are we still discussing this?
Because it's not right.
You know what's not right?
A 14-hour argument when there's nothing to argue about.
For the last time, no!
She thinks that's going to be the last time.
So I'm old enough to take care of Charlie but not myself?
Mom, that doesn't make any sense!
Sweetheart, I'm your mother, I never make sense.
Okay, let me rephrase this.
Please, please, please, please, please...
All right. Honey, I got this.
Okay, kiddo, I'll tell you what.
If you can be responsible enough to buy your own plane ticket,
then you are responsible enough to go to Florida on your own.
Bob! Dad, that's impossible!
I have to buy the ticket by next week!
Ooh. Not so easy being an adult, is it?
See that? Problem solved.
Oh, no!
Metal detectors!
Relax. I think you'll make it.
As long as you're not smuggling anything!
Sir, could you please retract that stroller?
Probably not without pulling a muscle.
You all right, dude? You look a little sweaty.
I'm fine. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm cool.
Come on, son.
Code red! Code red! Hands in the air!
Code red! Code red! This is a code red!
Hang on, please, don't move.
He is not the wisest man in the manger, is he?
Who would try to smuggle a game system without a controller?
Whoa!
How did that get there?
You're a really heavy sleeper.
Okay, you're clear to go.
And thank you for the extremely thorough search.
You guys, our flight leaves in two minutes! Go! Run!
Okay.
Bob! Hurry!
Right behind you!
Okay, honey, you know what?
We're going for a sleigh ride!
♪ I said run, run, Rudolph
♪ Santa's gotta make it to town
♪ Santa, make him hurry
♪ Tell him he can take the freeway down
♪ Run, run, Rudolph
♪ 'Cause I'm racin' like a merry go round
♪ Said Santa to a boy child
♪ What have you been longing for?
♪ All I want for Christmas
♪ Is a rock 'n' roll electric guitar
♪ And away went Rudolph
♪ Whizzing like a shooting star, yeah
♪ I said run, run, Rudolph
♪ Run, run, Rudolph
♪ Yeah
♪ Run, run, Rudolph
♪ I said run, run, Rudolph
♪ Run, run, Rudolph
You didn't need to do that, sir. We saw you coming.
♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
Can I buy a headset?
Sure.
Look at you.
All that joy, trapped in a skinny, little box.
Oh, so sad.
Dude. You didn't even bring the game with you.
Yeah I did.
There. Finally.
It's fine. We'll leave it up.
Sir, can you put that handle down?
Can you?
I'll get it.
If I can have your attention.
We are overbooked by one seat.
So we're looking for a volunteer to take a later flight
in exchange for a free round trip ticket to any destination.
Me!
What are you doing?
I'm being responsible! For getting a plane ticket to Spring Break.
I'll be on the next flight out!
Are you going to let her do that?
Little busy here, honey.
I'll meet you guys in Palm Springs!
Probably just be a couple hours behind you.
I have to go with her, right? Uh-huh.
Yes!
There we go! That's the way to do it!
There you go. Yeah, baby!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Where's your mom?
You know, ma'am, we only asked for the one volunteer.
You think I'm going to let my daughter get off the plane by herself?
You want to tell me how to be a parent? You want to go there?
No, ma'am. No, I don't.
Here's your free ticket.
And let's see about getting both of you
on the next available flight.
Which is...
...in three days. What?
Okay, Mom, I am going to show you how responsible I am.
Okay? Let me handle this.
You don't really mean three days, do you?
Yes, I do.
That's the next flight that isn't fully booked.
It is the holidays.
But it won't be in three days.
That's December 26th. Christmas will be over.
I'm sorry. It's the best we can do.
Oh.
I think we can do better.
Ma'am, are you telling me how to do my job?
Do you want to go there?
Oh, yeah. I want to go there.
Guys, guys, put me down. Put me down!
Really very unnecessary!
Mom, you shouldn't have hit her.
I didn't hit her! I was gesturing for emphasis.
Mom, you gestured her right in the nose!
What's gotten into you?
Teddy, we're 1000 miles from Palm Springs and we can't get a flight!
We're going to miss Christmas!
Mom, Mom, Mom, don't freak out!
I will find a way to get us to Palm Springs.
How?
Well...
Wait for it.
Bus!
I could've thought of that.
Well, Charlie, here we are, on our luxury motor coach.
For our brief, 18-hour ride to Palm Springs.
Too bad the video can't quite capture the smell.
Look, someone brought livestock! Is that even legal?
Look, Charlie, we found you a boyfriend.
That might have been my last video diary.
Yes! This is what I've always wanted, man.
An 80 degree Christmas.
Man, this is beautiful.
Hey, honey. Honey? Where are you?
On a bus. But don't worry,
we'll be there in just 18 short hours!
You're gonna leave me alone with your mother for 18 hours?
Well, honey, my dad's there.
Form an alliance with him.
And just keep her focused on the kids. She loves them.
Oh, my gosh. I think my seat has bedbugs!
He's taking the chickens out of the cage! I gotta go! Bye!
He's what... Honey?
Honey?
What's the matter, Dad?
Your mom's delayed
and the chickens are out of the cages, whatever that means.
All right, guys. One rule.
Do not leave me alone in a room with Grandma.
I heard that. Oh, hey!
Grandma!
Oh! My little angels!
Hi!
Gramps! How you doing?
Okay.
Sweet Charlie! Look how you've grown!
Who wants a mint?
Hey, Hank! How are you?
Well, I only got half a kidney left, but I'm still here.
Mint? Okay.
Where's my daughter and Teddy?
Um, they're on a bus.
You couldn't kill enough bugs to pay for two extra plane tickets?
Zing! Good one, Grandma!
In your face!
Petunia, it's just a little mix-up.
They're gonna be here tomorrow.
All aboard! Next stop, Fountain of Youth Condominiums.
Wow. Grandpa, how'd you get an antique like this?
I bought it new.
This could be fun!
Right?
Look, I bought magazines at the bus station.
Yeah, I'm not really up for reading right now.
Oh, don't worry, these are fashion magazines.
They don't require any reading at all!
Mmm.
You okay? You look a little green.
Yeah, I think I'm getting a little carsick.
Can I borrow your bag?
Let me just take the magazines...
...out.
Oh, that is... Not over yet!
Wow, Mom.
That's a really harsh review of the spring line.
Goodbye, freezing snowmen,
hello smoking-hot granddaughters.
Their mothers aren't bad either!
Oh, hey!
By the way, speaking of hot,
make sure you wear your sunblock. The sun here is brutal.
Do they make holiday sunblock?
One that smells like eggnog instead of coconut?
Do you know what he's talking about?
Not at all.
His brain works differently than ours do.
Come on in.
Kiddie suite to the left.
To the left, kiddie suite to the left.
Don't touch the pillow mints.
They're for later.
All right.
You know, Charlie's at a pretty rambunctious age.
I mean, you, uh...
You did child-proof the place, right?
Of course! Everything's been put away
except the Christmas decorations.
Just keep her away from the low-hanging tree ornaments.
And my antique nativity scene.
And especially Santa's reindeer.
It's priceless. They haven't made one like that in 50 years.
Santa!
Oh! No, no! No! No, no, no.
No! No, no, no, no.
Any chance we could put this stuff away?
Don't be ridiculous! Just tell her not to touch them.
You did have kids once, right?
Yes. Ours were well-behaved
because we knew how to parent them.
Okay.
Hey, Mom, you okay?
Just peachy, sweetheart...
Okay, 'cause somebody's been waiting for over an hour.
You probably wouldn't want to go in there anyway.
Hold the phone!
Keep her away from my chickens.
That mountain air is nice.
Shouldn't we be finding a doctor?
I'm fine! I was just a little carsick.
That's like calling World War II just a little disagreement.
Oh, look at you, staying awake during history class.
Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry,
but I can't let you back on the bus.
The other passengers refuse to travel with you.
What?
Okay. Listen, people,
I didn't want to get on this stinking bus in the first place!
Ah, you think that's funny?
Mom, you might want to be careful.
The chickens are getting into their fighting position.
So what I think my mom is trying to express
is it's a little bit unfair that you're letting
the chicken man on the bus, but not us.
Yeah, but the chickens aren't grossing everybody out.
Okay, bus jockey, here's how it's gonna go.
You are going to let us on this luxury motor coach or it is going to get ugly.
Just let it go, ma'am.
For the last time, I didn't hit anybody.
Yeah, I know. You were just gesturing for emphasis.
Is there a train station around here?
Oh, yeah, sure. Historical society runs it.
Of course, there hasn't been an actual train there since the late 1800s.
Butch Cassidy robbed it once!
Oh. How about a rental car place?
Maybe try Lenny's. Just up the hill about eight miles.
I'd take you there myself, but rush hour's starting
and someone's gotta turn on the traffic light.
But don't worry, you start walking now,
you'll make it there by sundown.
We're gonna miss Christmas.
No, no, Mom. No, we're not! It's just eight miles!
And then, like, another 800.
Going to be after sundown if you can't walk and cry at the same time.
How about you show a little compassion, mister?
Come on. Oh, this stinks!
Who says I can't walk and cry at the same time. You watch me!
I bet your father's warm and dry,
and probably snuggled up on the couch with the kids,
watching a sweet, little Christmas movie.
Oh!
No!
No! No! No! No!
No! No!
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Bob!
What are you doing with my reindeer?
Bad Daddy.
Good girl, Charlie. At least someone knows how to behave.
Hey, there! Why the glum look?
Here, have a mint.
Thanks, Grandpa.
I'm just all ripped up inside.
I lost my best friend today.
Oh, I'm so sorry, kiddo.
Oh! What was his name?
Z-Station Deluxe Home Gaming System.
Oh. Heck, I got one of those.
What?
Oh, you're the greatest grandpa in the history of grandpas!
So what games do you have?
Golf.
And?
What more would I need?
Oh, Grandpa, put down your putter.
There's a whole other world out there.
Allow me to introduce you to the work of Chuck Jablowsky,
one of the greatest video game designers in human history.
"Galaxy of Death Two"?
What's that got to do with golf?
Absolutely nothing.
Mom, if you cry any louder you'll trigger an avalanche.
It's Christmas Eve eve, Teddy.
I want to be with my baby.
And my other babies.
And my big daddy baby.
Mom, I will get us there!
I will, but you've got to chill out.
'Cause every five minutes, you're either punching somebody
or bursting into tears.
Hey, what was with that star-on-the-tree freak-out yesterday?
Well, that...
Look, it's Lenny's!
We walked eight miles for that?
Hey.
Hi! You must be Lenny.
Nope. I'm Daryl.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah, I bought Lenny out.
This came with the place.
I thought I'd keep the name for marketing purposes.
Plus the jumpsuit fit.
Well, sort of. Lenny's kind of got monkey arms.
Do you rent cars, by any chance?
Let me think.
No.
Y'all need a ride somewhere?
Palm Springs.
Oh, that's a skooch out of my way.
Well, do you know any place we can rent a car?
Well, if you take this road right here,
and you go about 600 miles you'll hit Las Vegas.
Aw.
You in a tough spot, hon?
Mmm-hmm.
Tell you what,
I do have an old Yugo I could sell you.
A Yugo? Mmm-hmm.
What's a Yugo?
It's a car that's 10 years older than you,
built in a country that no longer exists.
It's 50 bucks.
We'll take it.
Okay, 50 bucks. Yup, worth every penny.
Every penny.
Now, you might want to baby her a little.
She's seen better days.
When?
Hey, Daryl, are you sure it won't fall apart at 60 miles an hour?
Oh, don't worry, she won't go near that speed.
Good luck!
Oh, if you're gonna use the radio,
you're gonna need this.
I got you! I got you!
Oh, they got me!
Yes! You're dead! Can I play now?
No, it's too late! I respawned.
Grandpa, that's not fair!
Let me just level up again!
You've been saying that for two hours!
I'm starting to worry about you!
This is really unhealthy.
You love your grandpa, right?
Of course I do.
Then tell me how to get past the Plains of Fire.
Who do I have to take out first,
the guys in the Tower of Doom, or the ones on the ground?
Neither.
You sneak around the ridge and attack from behind.
Plus there's an extra power-up behind that boulder.
You're a good boy. Take a mint.
No, I'm good.
Honey. Come on, don't you want to find out
what happened at the hippos' picnic?
No!
Well, you can't expect her to love books
if you never read to her at home.
I read to her all the time.
Nuh-uh!
Wow, I met so many hot babes at the pool.
Literally, it's, like, 110 degrees out there.
What happened to you?
I fell asleep at the pool for a few hours.
But don't worry, I was wearing this.
PJ, this isn't sunblock. This is suntan oil!
What's the difference?
One protects your skin from the harmful rays,
the other fries you like a wonton.
Oh. No wonder I was feeling a little crispy.
You've just been raising yourself, haven't you?
You want to come live with us?
Way to get in the Christmas spirit, Santa Claus!
Gabe!
Sorry. Know what will make that feel better?
A nice, hot shower.
Really? Yeah.
The ignorance!
It's like you've been raised by wolves!
Fat wolves.
Man, first I was freezing, now I'm burning up.
This is not the vacation I dreamed of.
Me neither.
This should be a good place for a time-out.
I don't think Charlie needs a time-out.
Of course not! She's an angel!
I'm talking about you.
Now you just sit there
and think about what it means to be a good parent.
You want to make cookies with Grandma?
Yay! Yay!
Bad Daddy.
No cookies.
Oh, this is not happening.
This is happening.
What are you doing?
I think it helps if we lean forward.
Is there any way we can go around the mountains?
Oh, sure, honey. Just take a left at Mexico and swing back around.
Sweetie, would you turn the headlights on?
They are on. No, they're not.
Then we don't have any.
Great. Let me check the owner's manual.
Ah. What's Serbian for "headlight"?
Are you sure you don't want me to drive?
No. I can handle it.
I'm a responsible adult,
who can go on Spring Break
without another responsible adult, because I am one.
Myself.
Hi, honey! How's your vacation?
Your mother locked me in a bedroom.
Oh, what did you do?
I didn't do anything!
When are you going to get here?
Uh, well, at the speed we're going,
I'd say Groundhog Day.
Please hurry.
Honey, I'm doing the best I can. We're in a Yugo.
No, no, they're not still making those.
Do you speak Serbian? No, wait...
Maybe it's Croatian.
You want the kids to translate it on the Internet?
I suppose I could yell at them through a heating duct.
The kids! Are they having a good time? Where are they?
Uh, Charlie's with your mom. Gabe's with your dad.
And...
Well, sounds like PJ just got in the shower.
Oh! Mom! The road's leveling out.
Oh, oh! Gotta go! We're kicking it up to 10 miles an hour! Love you!
No, no, no. Don't...
Look!
Oh! What a relief.
Okay, it's all downhill from here. Literally.
Oh. Uh, you can slow down a little bit.
Yeah, I'm trying.
Whoa, whoa, slow down. I can't!
Put your foot on the brake! It's the one on the left!
I know! It's not working!
Okay, okay, don't panic!
I'm not panicking!
Okay. Okay. Remember you are an excellent driver.
You really think so?
Right this second, I think it's very important that you think so.
Okay. Okay.
Try the parking brake!
Oh, great.
Uh, here you go.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Beat Lenny to a pulp with it!
His name is Daryl!
Okay.
On the bright side, it's not snowing.
Oh, why did you have to say that?
I'm sorry!
Turn the windshield wipers on!
Really? Oh, this is so intense!
Oh, I can barely see!
Oh. Oh. Look, I see a light up ahead!
Oh, my gosh! Two lights!
They're headlights!
Okay, okay. Don't panic!
When the road levels out, we'll coast to a stop.
When will that be?
Three, maybe four.
Miles? Hours.
Bang! Bang, you're dead! I got you!
Bang! Got you again!
Grandpa! Five more minutes!
Did you play all night?
Yeah, except I took a pee break from 4:00 to 4:45.
Then I got stuck in the Wastelands of Gorlion,
had to go online to find a walkthrough.
Now I'm doing multiplayer with some kids in Korea.
Grandpa, I can't let you go on like this.
It's for your own good.
Have a mint?
Grandpa, no! Grandpa!
Grandpa's lost his mind!
Well, that's one more thing he and Grandma have in common.
Are those mints in your hair?
And up my nose.
Come here. I'm starving.
What?
Really? Oh.
Oh, this is actually not too bad.
Hey, wake up, wake up. We're burning daylight.
I had the worst dream.
No. It's real.
Let me get my seat up.
I'll help.
Don't break the car.
I'm not going to break the car! Don't be ridiculous!
There you are. Thanks.
We can fix that.
But probably not that.
On the bright side, the radio still works.
Not the time.
Well, that's the last of it.
And here's the luggage that was in the trunk.
I think it was the trunk.
It was a hatchback. Thank you, Walter.
Oh, I'm not Walter. I'm Lenny.
I bought Walter out.
Oh, yeah. He was kind of Hobbit-sized.
Hey, did you have another garage before that?
Yeah, that you sold to...
Daryl! Yeah!
You ever thought of keeping the jumpsuits,
just switching the name patches?
Never mind. Do you know how we can get to, um,
anywhere from here?
Oh. Gee, I don't know.
Hitchhike, I guess.
Good luck!
We are not hitchhiking!
Well, Charlie, here we are,
a typical Christmas Eve Day.
Somewhere in the desert. I think it's Utah.
Who cares?
Oh! And here's Mom.
She's doing a great job not crying
over what a terrible Christmas we're having.
And she's off.
Gosh, at this rate, we'll make Las Vegas by lunchtime.
Oh, golly, I'd sure like that!
Mom, Mom. Did you hear that? They're going to Las Vegas!
If we can get a ride with them, we can rent a car there!
Teddy, read my lips. We're not hitchhiking.
Mom, it's only hitchhiking if they're strangers.
They are strangers.
They won't be as soon as we buy them breakfast!
Hello. Hi!
Hi, I'm Teddy Duncan, and this is my mom...
This is my mom, Amy.
Howdy. Sue and Stan McKinney.
Nice to meet you.
Would you mind if we share the booth with you?
We don't want to be taking up too much space
once this place gets crowded.
They get a big breakfast rush.
We could just squeeze in here. Yeah.
That'll probably be good.
Yeah. Squeezey.
So, couldn't help overhearing, you guys are headed to Vegas.
What a coincidence! We're going to Palm Springs!
How's that a coincidence?
Excellent question, Stan.
Um, see, we were heading to Vegas because we need to rent a car.
Because ours broke,
literally, into thousands of pieces.
Which Lenny, uh... You'd think he was Walter, but he's actually Lenny...
And he's not Daryl, either.
You might think that Daryl was Lenny, but really Daryl's just the new Lenny,
and Lenny's Walter. But really he's just... He's Lenny.
And so anyway, Lenny had to shovel our car out of the parking lot.
Why don't we order? It's a great idea.
Okay, uh, I'm gonna have six eggs, scrambled, side of bacon, side of sausage.
Links or patties? Both.
Uh, with pancakes.
Regular or silver dollar?
Um, both, uh, with waffles, uh, plus French toast, and regular toast.
Oh, white, whole wheat, or... I want all the toast.
Uh, then I'll have some ham, Canadian bacon, a bear claw, couple of donuts.
Ooh, coffee cake and, uh, a fruit cup.
And, um, cottage cheese.
Low fat, watching my figure.
So, what brings you two to Vegas?
We're headed to a convention, the A. A. S. N.
Oh, great, great, super, yeah.
We're just hoping to get back to our loved ones in time for Christmas.
Are you going to eat that?
That's my napkin. Yeah, but there's jelly on it.
As we were saying, uh, we're afraid that if we don't make it to Vegas today,
we'll be stranded, alone in the desert,
on this most precious of holidays.
Gee willikers! You're in a pickle!
Yeah, yeah, we sure are.
We're just hoping for a Christmas miracle
from some kind soul, who could give us a ride.
Yeah, that's what you need, all right.
Oh, yeah.
We'd be incredibly grateful... I'll bet!
To anyone and possibly even somebody we just met,
who's heading to Vegas, has a car...
Especially a four-door...
Oh, yeah, that'd do it, all right.
Oh, for cryin' out loud, can you give us a ride?
Well, sure! Why didn't you just ask?
No eatin' in the car, though.
Mmm, wouldn't think of it.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
Whoa! This sunburn ointment really does the trick.
I feel so much better.
Oh, pumpkin, I think you put a little bit too much on.
Here, let me dab some of that off. Okay.
Oh, pepper-pot, I'm so sorry!
It's okay. Let me just sit down.
The thing is, pudding pop, I can't let you near the furniture like that.
Well, where can I sit?
Oh!
What are you guys doing in here?
Did... Did Grandma freak out and send you guys in here, too?
A long time ago, join the club.
Not me.
I'm hiding from Grandpa. I want my mommy!
Yeah, me too.
I'm good.
♪ We
♪ We love the desert
♪ The sagebrush and the sand
♪ We love the desert
♪ Now come and hold my hand ♪
Oh, Stan, we're in a high-gamma zone.
Oh, oh, roger that! Yeah!
Um, just out of curiosity, what's with the hats?
Well, you can never be too careful. No.
Do they seem a little weird to you?
Yeah, almost as weird as you eating a napkin for dessert.
Don't.
You okay?
Not really.
I need a bag. Mom, not again!
Are you ladies okay back there?
Uh, yeah! Hey, why don't you tell me about your convention!
Oh, well, we go every year. It's a real humdinger!
Oh, I bet!
You know, it's just so nice to be among folks
who've had the same experience you had.
I can imagine!
Because, you know, if it hasn't happened to you, you just don't get it.
No! Totally! It's... Give it to me.
What is it again?
Alien abduction.
Mmm?
I'm sorry, did you just say...
Alien abduction!
That's what A. A. S. N. is.
The Alien Abduction Survivor's Network.
So, which one of you... Oh, we both were.
That's where we met first.
Yeah! Aboard the spaceship.
'Course, we didn't know it at the time.
Oh, no, no! Not until years later,
after hypnosis recovered our repressed memories.
Oh, gosh!
Sweetheart, are you okay?
I'm just a little nauseous.
You know, that's the single most common side-effect of an abduction.
And that increase in appetite you're having?
Now, that's the second most common side-effect.
Oh, believe me, I've been this way for a while.
I mean, I think I would remember if aliens had abducted me.
Oh, no, sweetheart, that's how it works! You never remember.
Not at first.
Have you experienced an episode of lost time?
Uh, you mean, besides the eighteen years since my kids were born?
Oh, trust me, she wasn't abducted by aliens.
We were together all last night in the mountains.
That's where they get you!
Oh, I wonder if you've been tagged.
Why don't we probe them and find out?
No, no, no, don't probe them. No, no! No probe.
Okay, we'll use the drill. That'll leave a scar.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
That is not necessary, okay.
I promise you, we have not been abducted by aliens.
That big appetite, on top of the nausea,
now, you have either been abducted by aliens or you're pregnant!
Surprise!
Got everything here.
Well, good luck, Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas, Stan. Bye.
Are you sure you're not carrying an alien baby?
Ah, yeah, I'm pretty sure my obstetrician would've caught that.
Well, if you change your mind, we're in the book!
Bye, honey! Bye.
Under "O," for "Out of your mind."
Bye!
Okay, honey, will you watch our stuff?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Can we talk about you being pregnant?
And not telling me?
Teddy, honey, I wanted to, but...
You know, your father and I decided
to tell the whole family at once on Christmas Day.
Excuse me, can you spare some change for food?
Oh, yeah.
Here. Thank you.
How could this happen?
I think you know how this happened.
I mean, you saw the film in health class.
I signed the permission slip.
But five kids, really?
Look, we will discuss this after I pee.
It was a really long car ride. You just watch our luggage.
Where is our luggage?
Oh, no!
Hi, there!
So, uh, underneath all this medicated ointment, there's actually a very sensitive guy.
May I offer you ladies a banana chip?
Wow, it's hard to believe that didn't work.
Isn't this great, finally something she can't break.
Hey, honey, you almost here?
You what?
No, no, no, no, no! You know what?
You stay there, I'm gonna come get you.
I don't know.
We'll leave as soon as I can convince your father to lend me the car.
So, I'll see you when I see you.
Okay, love you too.
What's up?
I gotta go pick up your mom and Teddy.
You guys need to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa.
No, no, no!
Take us with you. Don't leave us here.
Please, please, please! Please!
All right!
Oh, good! You're just in time to have more Christmas cookies!
Except you. You're still being punished.
Petunia, Amy and Teddy are stranded in Vegas!
Oh, the poor things! Are they okay?
Oh, they're fine. I just... I need to borrow your car, so I can go get them.
Hank, there's an emergency.
You have to drive into Las Vegas and pick up the girls!
Wait till I finish this level!
I can see the Stone of Mitrios!
He's not coming out of there any time soon.
All right, guys, got get a change of clothes, we're going.
You're leaving me here alone on Christmas Eve?
Well...
Not entirely.
Look, I haven't got time to make that car seat work,
could you watch her while I'm gone?
Of course I can.
I always knew this day would come.
Okay.
Hey, sweetie, we're going to be back soon, okay?
I promise, all of us.
Mama.
Please make sure she has a nice Christmas Eve.
Of course, I will.
We'll have a fabulous time... Bye, Daddy.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
Oh, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, wait!
Wait, how do I keep her from breaking things?
It's easy. Just tell her not to touch them.
I told you to watch our bags!
I'm not the one who wandered off!
Well, I had to pee!
Well, I still have to pee!
This is great, yep, no luggage, no purse, no money and I'm starving!
It could be worse. That's hard to see how!
I hope that plane ticket was worth it, Teddy.
Okay, you know, I did my best to get us out of this.
And you haven't exactly been helpful!
Well, that's because you wanted to prove how responsible you were!
Mom, I'm not the parent!
I'm not the one who's actually supposed to be responsible!
And I'm not the one who ruined Christmas!
Oh, Teddy... That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me!
What? Do you think I wanted to ruin Christmas?
I already feel awful! And you just want me to feel worse!
No, no, no! Teddy, come back!
Leave me alone!
Teddy!
Oh!
♪ Turned down that street and the memories come flooding in
♪ The porch light is smiling
♪ Like it's asking me, "Where you been?"
♪ I need this more than ever
♪ And then I open the door
♪ It's like everything that's on my mind just disappears
No.
No, no, sorry.
♪ The only thing that matters
♪ All that really matters
♪ Is Christmas with you
♪ Christmas with you ♪
Well, it's Christmas Eve in Las Vegas, Charlie.
All I want for Christmas is a sandwich.
I wish I was a mime.
Look at that guy, he's doing pretty well.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
♪ Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la
♪ Don we now our gay apparel
♪ Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la
♪ Troll the ancient Yule tide carol
♪ Fa la la la la, la, la... ♪
No, no, no, no! Sorry...
Excuse me, sir.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse open
♪ Sleigh, hey
What are you doing? Hey! I'm helping you.
No, I don't need help. I can do this on my own.
No you can't, Teddy! You're not even in the right key.
♪ Dashing through the snow
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh
♪ O'er the fields we go
♪ Laughing all the way
♪ Bells on bob-tails ring Making spirits bright
Mom! Shh!
♪ What fun it is to ride and sing
♪ A sleighing song tonight
♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
♪ Jingle all the way
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
That is exactly what the holidays are like at my house.
This is really good. Really good.
Take a right up there.
Up where?
There's a little unmarked road about 100 yards ahead.
Trust me! I mapped it out!
Oh, if we took that road, it would've shaved 30 minutes off our trip.
Are you sure? Trust me, go back and make the turn.
Don't trust him.
I saw a movie that started like this.
How did it turn out?
I don't know. I got too scared and left the theater.
Oh, I stayed. The guy driving the car lived.
Good enough for me.
But only for a minute, then he got eaten by zombies.
Sorry.
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas, hey
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas , and a Happy New Year
♪ Glad tidings we bring to you and your kin
♪ Glad tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year
♪ Oh, bring us a figgy pudding
♪ And bring it right here
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas Thank you.
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
♪ And a Happy New Year ♪
How'd we do? Good enough for an $8.99 buffet!
Yeah, yeah, this is definitely the right move.
Stop!
Except for the guys with guns!
Those guys were not on the map.
Who are you guys? Are you policemen?
I'm going to need to see some badges.
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
I mean, we could really be onto something here.
We could be the next Jersey Boys.
I don't think... I mean, not that we should take it straight to Broadway.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Exactly.
I mean, we should open in Chicago or Los Angeles.
You know, just a couple of months, work out the bugs.
Who should we get to do the music?
Stephen Sondheim or Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Ooh, Elton John.
Whatever, Mom.
Oh, cheer up, kiddo!
Look, if this is... If this is about Spring Break then...
Yeah?
It's hard.
What, Mom? What is hard?
Letting go.
You take a trip like that by yourself and you really are a grown up.
And, well, I just want you to be my baby.
Mom, I'll always be your baby.
And you keep making more babies, so it's not like you're going to run out.
I wish the rest of them were here.
I'm sorry I ruined Christmas.
Hey, you did not ruin Christmas.
At least we're together.
We can still have pancakes on Christmas morning,
even if they're six hours old under a heat lamp.
And they're not shaped like Christmas trees.
Teddy, you gave me the best present ever!
My own Broadway musical!
Yeah.
Mom, that girl.
She's got our luggage!
She's wearing my purple top!
E e looks better in it than I do!
Hey, wait. We need a plan.
No, we don't, jump her!
All right, the jig is up.
And you look awful in that top.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh, yeah, well, cry all you want,
'cause we're calling the cops.
No, I swear, I've never done anything like this before, ever!
I just didn't know what else to do because I was so hungry.
And I just saw your luggage sitting there, and I haven't eaten in so long.
Could you please stop crying so I can call the cops?
I'm sorry!
I'm just so tired and I'm lost
and all I want to do is just go home
but I can't because it's like a thousand miles away.
And I don't have any money.
How did that happen?
It's a really long story.
We've got time.
Hold still! It won't help to struggle.
All right, take the blindfolds off.
Okay.
Whatever it is you guys want... You kn w what we want!
To keep the Stone of Mitrios
out of your dirty yellow hands!
I have no idea what you're talking about. I do!
Gabe, please!
Look, we're innocent.
We were just on our way to pick up my wife and my daughter...
Down an unmarked desert road, after dark, on Christmas Eve?
Do you think I'm stupid?
I have a PhD from Caltech!
Really? Oh, then you're smart enough to know that kidnapping is a felony.
Good one. You're very convincing.
Look, you tell Jablowsky, whatever trick he was trying
to pull with you, it didn't work.
We are going to grind you under our boots.
And there's no way you're getting the Stone.
We don't even know what that is!
I do!
And we're going to miss Christmas! What did you say?
I know exactly what's happening!
We're in the middle of Live Death!
Which is?
Okay, so every Christmas Eve, Chuck Jablowsky,
the multi-gazillionaire who invented Galaxy of Death,
he hosts this legendary paintball tournament based on the game.
It's like a giant video game come to life!
Why does he do it on Christmas Eve?
Because half the programme who work for him are Hindu.
And the other half are antisocial nerds who have no life.
I'm starting to realize why there weren't any hot girls in that crowd.
Yeah, it's a shame.
How long does the game last?
Until either the Yellow team captures the Stone of Mitrios,
or the Red team wipes them all out.
Usually takes a couple of days.
So we're stuck here till after Christmas?
Well, not if we escape!
All right, you know what, let's scoot our chairs back to back
and then, maybe we could untie the ropes, all right.
Here we go.
All right, working already, huh?
Wait, no, Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad...
No, no, no, no! Ow. Ow
Gabe, you bumped me out of position!
You bumped me! Sit still!
This was my idea! Let me do what I got to do!
Yes, but I'm smaller and more agile!
Well, I'm bigger and you need to listen to me!
Dad's right.
How did you get free?
My arms are all lubed up with sunburn ointment.
Slipped them right out.
Untie us!
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Wow, that's really easy to undo.
I guess Caltech doesn't have a knot tying requirement.
All right, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait... We might have to shoot our way out.
Good idea.
Here goes.
Yes! All right!
Okay, boys, are we ready?
Yeah! All right!
On three. One, two, three!
Wow. Okay, on three. One, two, three!
Come on! Allow me.
Thank you.
Nobody in here.
Hey, remember us?
Where's our car?
Can't talk, already dead!
Oh, come on!
Rules are rules for a reason, okay, l? l?
Give us a break, man! It's Christmas Eve!
We're not like you! We have lives!
Hey, man, I chose to be here!
Yeah.
Guys, you gotta check out this map!
Oh, does it prove I was right about the shortcut?
Oh, other than the part where we got kidnapped?
Can you find our car on this thing?
I think it's over there, past the Tower of Doom.
But we're deep in Red team territory.
If we run for it, we'll probably just get kidnapped again.
On the other hand... What?
Their whole strategy's outlined in this plan.
And it's right out of Galaxy of Death.
I know exactly how this is going to play out.
So can you get us to the car?
Dad, I can do better than that.
I think I can win this thing.
So, I really wanted to go to this music festival.
But my mom said I was too young and irresponsible
to go cross-country without an adult.
Mmm, I've heard that before.
I've said that before.
So, we got in this huge fight, of course, because we fight about everything.
My clothes, my grades, my nose piercing, which actually she was right about,
because I still can't smell on this side.
Lesson learned. Mmm-hmm.
So, she said that if I went to the festival,
then I might as well not even bother coming home.
And I went anyway.
And then my ride ditched me, and I wound up stranded here.
Well, did you call your mom?
But she said she'd never forgive me.
Well, you know, sometimes moms say things they don't really mean.
Yeah, we do, all the time.
I once told Teddy if she didn't clean her room,
she'd have to sleep outside in the yard.
I did have to sleep outside in the yard. It was summer.
Look, the point is, it's Christmas Eve.
Call your mom.
I can't. I'm too scared.
Do you want me to call her?
Hi, Brenda? This is Amy Duncan.
This is going to take a little bit of explaining.
It's going to be fine.
I don't know, my mom can be pretty nuts sometimes.
Yeah, well, they all can.
I don't know, your mom seems really chill.
My mom wants to turn our arguments into a Broadway musical.
Wow, that is nuts. Yep!
What a coincidence! I have four kids, too!
Oh, my gosh! I'm pregnant, too, hah! It's like we're twins!
Do you watch The Bachelor?
I know, isn't she heinous?
I can't believe he picked her.
You know what, though?
Underneath all that craziness they really do love us.
And reality TV. Yeah, that too.
Hang on.
Jordan, here's someone who wants to talk to you.
Hi, Mom. How did it go?
Oh, we totally agreed about the girl in The chelor.
Oh, no, I mean, do you think they're going to make up?
I miss you, too.
I think they just did.
Okay.
I love you too, Mom!
I'll see you soon.
Everything okay?
Thank you so much!
Oh, you're so welcome.
So, you headed to the airport?
You are going home, right?
Yeah, yeah, it's just...
The plane fare's a little too much for my mom to handle.
So, I'm just going to find a shelter tonight.
And then figure out some way to get enough money for a bus fare.
But, don't worry. I'm not going to steal anything.
No, no, no, it's not that, um...
I want you to have this.
What is it?
It's a plane ticket.
No, no! Yeah!
No, I can't!
Yeah, it's brought me a lot of trouble.
But, f f it gets you home for Christmas, then it's worth it.
Thank you.
Thanks again.
Oh, my gosh! You need your top back!
No, no, no, keep it! It looks better on you, than it ever did on me.
Well, thanks again, again!
Merry Christmas!
Bye!
I am so proud of you. That was such a grown-up thing you just did.
Grown-up enough to go on Spring Break?
Yeah, if you had a ticket!
That's painfully ironic. Yeah!
Hey, are you sure this is the place where we're supposed to meet Dad?
He's not answering his phone.
You know what? I'll just text him.
Stay together. Let's move, let's move!
Bravo team, head on a swivel.
Guard the right perimeter.
Dad, when you're in the kill zone, you gotta keep it on vibrate!
I hate vibrate! It tickles.
What are you doing?
I am texting your mother back.
Hey, there is no texting in the kill zone!
PJ. Got it.
These nerds go down easy.
Dad! Come on! We're almost through the Plains of Fire!
You could practically see the Wastelands of Gorlion from here!
Wait a minute. We are going straight to the car, correct?
Yeah! Yeah, Dad, it's just past the Wastelands.
Is it? No!
Oh, my gosh, it's your father!
"Running late, can't call or text from the kill zone. Love you, BRB."
That's random.
Well, so much for us all spending Christmas together.
Hey, we will be together!
You know, we know what route they're taking.
We'll rent a car and meet them halfway. Come on!
- Wow. - Let's go.
You go, girlfriend!
Lady Luck Car Rental.
"Open 364 days a year."
Oh, God, it's after midnight. Nothing's going to be open!
What about that place?
Oh, hey! Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas to you! Thank you.
You know, I knew if I stayed open all night long on Christmas,
it would pay off.
Yeah, the thing is,
we were hoping you knew of a rental car place that might be open.
Oh.
Well, you see, that's the trouble with car places.
There's no culture of commitment.
That's why I sold my garage
moved to Vegas, I bought this place from Gary...
- Uh, it, so you're not Gary? - No!
No, no. My name is...
Wait! Don't tell us Are you Walter??
How'd you guess that?
Oh, we used your old garage a few hundred miles back for towing...
Actually, shoveling.
Wow, imagine that! Say, how's Lenny doin'?
- He's great. - Great.
- Doing great. - So's Daryl.
- Oh, you know Daryl? - Yeah.
- Amazing. - Yeah, yeah, it really has been.
Ah, so listen, Walter, my family's Christmas
depends on our not being in Vegas when the sun comes up.
Uh-huh. So, what's our best bet?
Really thought we would've come across them by now.
Let's take a rest.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Merry Christmas, Mama.
I hope the guys are okay.
Wherever they are.
There's something over here.
♪ I'm looking for a sign
♪ To show me that I'm right
♪ On cue to break the fall
♪ When our back's against the wall
♪ So I'll take it as it comes
♪ I'll show off anyone who thinks I'll take it slow
Go! Go! Go!
Everybody on the ridge. On the ridge!
Move! Move!
♪ You better believe
♪ I'm not going away ♪
PJ!
Dad!
Do it for Dad!
Yes! Yes! Yeah!
The Stone of Mitrios is mine!
So close, too.
Who are you? You're not even in the game!
Oh, yeah? Then why am I holding the Stone of Mitrios?
Here comes Jablowsky.
He's gonna crush you!
Well, actually, he's gonna pay a guy to crush you.
Chuck Jablowsky.
Do you know what happens to people that crash my paintball game?
You send them on their way with a severe scolding and a free smart phone?
No, I pay a guy to crush them.
Told you so.
Unless you're wearing my team uniform,
in which case, I win!
That's my boy!
I'm the guy that lets him slack off homework so he can play the game.
Sir, thank you so much for not paying a guy to crush us.
And may I say it's a huge honor
just to shake your bizarrely small hand.
The pleasure's all mine, kid. You won the game for me!
What can I do to repay you?
I believe a smart phone was mentioned.
Actually, we need a lift.
Any chance the cook can make pancakes shaped like Christmas trees?
He can barely make them round.
I'm sorry you didn't get to watch Charlie put the star on the tree.
Oh, that's okay, sweetie. We'll have other Christmases.
How did you guys...
A buddy of mine triangulated your cell phones and gave us a lift.
No way!
Thank you!
Bye! Thank you!
Thanks!
How did you guys get here?
Oh, you see that tandem bike? Yeah.
We rode it here. From Las Vegas.
Wow, that's like... Ninety miles.
My butt hurts.
I just wish my parents and Charlie were here.
Hey!
Hi!
Hey!
Hey, there's my girl!
Hi! Charlie!
Who left my baby in the middle of the desert?
There we go!
Good thing I took that shortcut, or I never would have...
Hole in one! Is that the Stone of Mitrios?
The real thing. Did you finish the game?
Yeah, I did. I got thumb blisters like you wouldn't believe.
Who's that? Mama.
Who's that? That's Mommy.
Petunia, how'd you get the car seat to work?
It was easy.
This thing was stuck in the mechanism.
It just about fell out in my hands.
The star!
Okay, Charlie! You're on!
Way to carry on the tradition, Charlie!
It certainly has been a strange holiday.
Actually, Mom, I think this is the best Christmas I've ever had.
Thanks for saying that, Mama.
I'll second that. Best Christmas ever!
Thirded!
Amen, brother! Ow!
Dude, you...
Hi.
Dude! Did you see that?
She just winked at me!
It's a Christmas miracle.
Who wants pancakes?
Hey, look at this! They look like little Christmas trees.
Speaking of Christmas miracles...
I have another one.
Oh, I have to film this.
Okay, here goes.
Are you ready?
We're having another baby!
Congratulations! Mints all around!
Well, I know one thing you're good at.
Making beautiful babies.
I love you, too, Petunia.
Well, it looks like you're going to be a big sister, too.
Good luck, Charlie!
Sir, you're going to have to check this. No.
No, I'm not... Give me...
Give it up, Gabe.
Ladies and gentlemen, due to our aggressive policy of overselling all flights,
we are overbooked by one seat.
So if anyone wants a free round trip...
Right here! Whoo!
Your turn.
We'll be back by New Year's.
No, you won't.
At what price, Teddy? At what price?
I mean, what if we...
What am I doing?
Cut!
Set and action!
Oh, hey. Oh, hey.
Yeah. Yeah.
And yoghurt.
Yoghurt isn't even on the menu.
Know what I mean?
I've no idea what you're talking about.
I do.
Bradley...
And gag reel.