Bye, guys.
It's three years.
Three years together.
The lads.
Me and you?
We'll see each other again. Really?
They're not going, are they?
Group hug!
See you, ladies! See you later.
Group hug.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Tilly?
Callum!
Tilly, come on. It's time to go home.
Come on. Callum!
Ow!
You know, we've never actually met.
Actually, we have. Several times.
Have we?
You gatecrashed my birthday party, called me Julie,
and spilled red wine down my top.
Ouch.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
No, not at all.
You were delightful.
Was I?
No. No, you weren't.
Look, if you're not Julie, then...
I'm Emma. Emma.
Emma Morley. Emma Morley.
Listen, I'll walk you home.
So this is me.
Shh! Welcome home.
So debate is fine, but anyone can talk...
Just sometimes, action's what's needed.
To change the world. I completely agree.
So what are you gonna be when you're, I don't know, 40?
Forty?
Can I say famous? Horribly rich?
Terrible. You're so terribly posh.
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna go brush my teeth.
You know, booze and fags and...
I don't mind.
I do.
Listen, won't be a minute.
No playing with yourself while I'm gone.
What?
All right, concentrate.
Concentrate. Do not cock this up!
Oh, you're going?
Well, it's getting light out, so I thought I could just...
You should go if you want to go.
It's very poignant. Very bittersweet.
Really I just thought you might wanna get some sleep.
I don't have to go.
No, no, go. I'm not bothered.
Sneak off.
I wasn't sneaking off.
Jump out the window for all I care.
It's five floors up, mind.
Look, I'll stay. All right?
I'll stay.
Come on.
Sorry, I'm no good at this.
It's just whenever I go to bed with someone,
I always end up either laughing or weeping,
and it could be nice to go for something in between.
Look, that's fine.
That's fine. Maybe we could just be friends.
Okay. Friends.
Of course, you know it's Saint Swithin's Day today, don't you?
What is?
Well, today. Saint Swithin's Day, the 15th of July.
How do you know that?
Well, he was buried in Winchester Cathedral,
which is where I went to school.
Well, la-dee-da.
La-dee-da.
You know, there's a poem.
"If on Saint Swithin's Day, it doth rain
"something, something, something remain."
Dexter, that's beautiful.
Shut up.
Let's get some sleep.
But, Dex.
Em?
If it doesn't rain...
Mmm-hmm?
...do you want to do something? Me and you?
Mmm-hmm.
Are you all right? Lift, lift.
Okay, well, I'm coming up.
Couldn't you have just hired someone to move this stuff?
No.
Look, I would have paid.
All right, lift from your end.
You've obviously never done a day's work in your life.
Look, seriously, Em, my plane leaves in four hours.
All right, well, all the more reason why you should lift.
God's sake.
Look, I'm doing you a favor.
And I am so, so grateful.
Stop whinging.
I bet this bed could tell some stories.
Yeah, short stories. Horror stories.
Welcome to London. Well, lift it.
I think I'm gonna be very happy here.
What is that smell?
Onions.
Onions and disappointment.
Right.
No, it's not that bad.
It's nothing that a lick of paint
and a nuclear warhead can't fix.
I've got my typewriter. I've got my books. I'm in London.
I think it's going to be all right.
I might actually get things done.
You know, you might actually meet someone.
Dexter, please.
A nice guy.
Sensitive, wears a cardigan.
I told you I'm not interested in any of that.
Matching glasses, matching opinions.
I'm actually glad you're going to India.
Good, 'cause I'm leaving. I've got to catch my flight.
Already?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Well, go on then. Find yourself.
Keep sending me those letters.
Long ones. I will.
And have fun, Em.
Of course.
You know, it is allowed.
You know, I've got a feeling that this time next year
you're going to take London by storm.
What is the difference between...
A tortilla is either corn or wheat.
But a corn tortilla folded and filled is a taco,
whereas a filled wheat tortilla is a burrito.
Deep fry a burrito, it's a chimichanga.
Toast a tortilla, it's a tostada. Roll it, it's an enchilada.
Is there any chance you could repeat that?
Hello. I'm Ian. Ian Whitehead.
The new boy.
Welcome to the graveyard of ambition.
The kitchen. All right, mate.
What these guys can't do with a microwave,
and a deep-fat fryer.
Hey, you!
Your basic Tex-Mex food groups.
Cheese on top of chicken under guacamole
on top of beans under rice on top of beef.
Word of warning, avoid the jumbo prawns.
It's like Russian Roulette. One in six will kill you.
So what's your stroke?
Sorry, my what?
Waiter/actor, waiter/model, waiter/writer?
Well, I'm a comedian.
We could use a comedian. We all like to laugh. I know I used to.
Well, I'm just starting out really.
Working on my "unique comedy stylings."
Not jokes so much, more sort of wry, little observations.
Ay caramba!
I've got this whole bit at the moment
about the difference between men and women.
How blokes, when they see a girl they fancy, they get all...
Toilets. Staff toilets. Oh.
Sorry. You were saying?
No, no. I'm doing an open mic tonight if you were interested.
At The House of Laffs, spelled L-A-F-F-S.
It's not a date or anything.
You've probably got a boyfriend anyway, have you?
Ian, I'd love to come, but after work,
I like to head home, comfort eat, weep.
So what about you, Emma? What's your stroke?
What do you really do?
Uh, this. This is what I do.
Still, it's not forever, is it?
My room still smells. Tilly's sending me mad. The flat's a dump.
I keep finding teeth marks in the cheese
and her big gray bras soaking in the sink.
Look, I'm sure it's not a complete disaster.
London's swallowed me up.
I thought I'd make a difference, but no one knows I'm here.
Listen, listen. Nothing truly good was ever easy.
who said that?
You did.
Did I? That's annoying.
I'm sorry for moaning. I just... I really wanted to hear...
How's teaching? How's Paris?
It's good, Em.
You know, truly, really fulfilling.
well, don't sleep with any of your students.
It's unethical and predictable.
It's good advice, Em. Thank you.
But I've got to go and have lunch with Mum.
well, apologize again, will you?
I didn't mean to call your dad a fascist.
A bourgeois fascist.
Say sorry and, Dexter...
My money's running out. Em?
Can you hear me? Dex? Dex?
I miss you.
Forty-five minutes late.
Yeah, well, I got waylaid.
And where were you last night?
Language school disco.
Was it fun? No, it was hell.
Tell me, who's been writing you all those long letters?
That is none of your business.
Was it that girl who came to stay?
Yeah. Well, Emma and I are just good friends.
How much holiday do you need?
I'm not on holiday. I'm teaching English.
Dexter.
Isn't that Alain Delon?
What? Oh, no. It's your father.
Picking his corns. Stop it.
Take me for lunch tomorrow, will you?
Just you and me. Somewhere quiet with white tablecloths.
I want to talk to you.
Why? Is something wrong?
No. Nothing's wrong.
Then why do we need to talk?
Do I need a reason?
There you are. Degenerate.
Now, I thought you might want these.
Oh, thank you, my love.
So what's for supper? Please, God, not French food.
Golden Boy wants to see you. Hmm?
He's got a new one.
Good night. Good night.
Night. Good night.
Have a good one.
We were just kissing.
You were trying to fit her entire head in your mouth.
People have enough trouble keeping the food down as it is.
And what does she see in you, anyway?
Well, she says I'm complicated.
You're just spoiled.
I got offered the job of manager today.
They told me they wanted someone who wasn't going anywhere.
All right, Em, listen. I think you should take a bottle of tequila,
I think you should walk out the door,
and I don't think you need to ever come back.
But my job is my life.
You can't throw away years of your life just because,
well, you think it's funny.
My hair smells of cheese. Monterey Jack.
Look, I thought you were writing poetry.
What, go where the money is? Tried that. Failed.
You just can't see it, can you?
Look, you're funny. You're attractive. You're smart.
I mean, you're the smartest person I know.
Sure. You are. You're attractive.
You're sexy. What?
What? Is that supposed to be sexist or something?
No, it's not sexist. It's just ridiculous.
Em, listen.
If I could just give you one gift, all right,
one gift for the rest of your life,
do you know what I'd give you?
Confidence.
It's either that or a scented candle.
Come here.
Emma? So I've disinfected the meat fridge.
My hero.
Thank you, Ian. See you tomorrow.
Bye, mate.
Bye, Emma.
I should go, too. All right.
I'll be fine. I just feel a bit lost, that's all.
Come on, everyone's lost at 25.
You're not.
Trainee TV producer. Nice new flat. CD player.
Group sex Tuesdays and Fridays.
Yeah, but you know, I am crying on the inside.
You know what you need, don't you?
Mmm-mmm.
You need a holiday.
Look, Dexter, all I'm saying is I think we need some rules.
Rules!
I'm not taking any chances with our friendship,all right.
All right, all right. Such as?
Separate bedrooms.
Wherever we stay, no shared beds, no drunken cuddles.
I don't see the point of cuddling, anyway.
Cuddling gives you cramp.
Agreed, then.
Rule number two. No flirting.
No having a few drinks and getting frisky with me.
Or anyone else.
Well, I never flirt.
I'm serious.
Hello, what's this?
Which leads me to rule three.
The nudity clause. What?
I don't want to see you in the shower, or have a wee.
Or have a wee in the shower.
Well, I can't promise that.
You have to, Dex. It's the rules,
and absolutely no skinny-dipping.
All right, then. Rule number four. What?
No Scrabble. I love Scrabble.
That is exactly why it's my rule.
Look, we're not dead yet.
Voilà.
What is that?
Hmm? My swimming costume. It's called the Edwardian.
No, the masonry paint.
It's factor 30. I burn.
Here, let me.
I've not seen this before.
What, that? I got that in Thailand.
It's a yin-yang.
Looks like a road sign.
Yeah, well, it means "the perfect union of opposites."
It means "wear some socks."
This is scooped a bit low, isn't it?
Good job I didn't put it on backwards.
I think I'll go for a dip.
This is a nudist beach.
No, it's not.
It is. Look. They're barbecuing!
You see, I couldn't do that. Barbecue naked.
What is that? Is that yoga?
Oh, God.
Grow up, all right. Back to your magazine.
I can hear you thinking. It's like this crunching noise.
The answer is no.
Don't you think we'd feel more comfortable with our clothes off?
Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
Well, why not?
The rules. Not to mention your girlfriend.
What, Ingrid? Yeah, Ingrid.
She's very uninhibited.
She'd have had her top off at the check-in desk.
Well, as you keep pointing out, Ingrid used to be a model.
You could be a model.
For a catalog or something.
I'm just saying that we're not entirely unknown to each other
from a physical point of view.
Drop it, Dex.
Well, you know, that night after graduation.
Come on, you must remember.
No. Blanked it out like a car crash.
Well, I haven't.
In fact, if I close my eyes,
I can still see you there just standing in the dawn light.
Please don't.
Provocatively unclasping your dungarees
as you walk over to me.
I was not wearing dungarees.
So you do remember, huh?
Have I caught the sun?
No, you look...
You look fine.
Do you know I've never been abroad?
What? Don't be ridiculous.
It's true.
Fortnight in a caravan in Whitby drinking Cup-a-Soup with Dad
and trying not to kill Mum.
I can't believe I'm actually here with you.
Why? Hmm?
Why?
When we were at university, before we spoke even,
I had a crush on you.
Ridiculous, I know.
But when we almost
did it that night,
I couldn't believe it.
I wrote poems and everything.
What have you got to say to that?
Well, I already knew.
What do you mean, you knew?
Well, I sort of guessed.
All those epic letters and compilation tapes.
So, go on then. What happened?
Mmm.
I got to know you. You cured me of you.
I'd still like to read those poems. What rhymes with Dexter?
Prick. It's a half-rhyme.
Too much wine. We should go.
No, no, no. Not yet. Not yet.
Listen, let's go for a walk.
So this is it.
It's lovely.
Hello? What's going on here?
Well, I thought we'd go for a quick swim. Sober us up.
Ah, I get it. I get it.
I've walked right into it, haven't I?
You get a girl drunk and lead her to a large body of water.
Oh, come on, Em. Be spontaneous.
Be reckless. Live for the moment!
Come on, Em. Get in!
No!
You're such a prude. Why are you such a prude?
Look, come on!
You could at least leave your underpants on.
Rule number three, remember?
Come on.
So this is skinny-dipping?
What am I meant to do? Sort of lark about? Splash you or something?
That's a very serious face.
You're not having a wee, are you?
No.
No, I just wanted to say that
I felt the same.
After our near-miss.
I mean, I didn't write poems or anything. I'm not insane.
But, you know, I thought about you.
I think about you.
You and me.
Really?
Really? Okay, well...
Dex...
The problem is I fancy pretty much everyone.
Oh. I see. I mean anyone.
Really, I mean, it's like I've just got out of prison, all the time.
It's a real problem. I can imagine.
Yeah, and this thing with Ingrid, it's a sex thing.
It's just sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
The point's been made, Dex.
But me and you, it would be different.
I think we'd want different things,
and I don't think I'm ready, you know.
If you wanted to, you know, have a bit of fun,
holiday fling, no obligations.
Oh, God. I'll take that as a no then, shall I?
I think so. I think our moment's passed.
Come on, I'm not expressing myself clearly.
No, no, you are, Dex. That's the problem.
You're worried I might care.
Hey! Hey, Come back here!
Come back, you little... Hey!
Thieves! Come back. Come back here.
Wait!
They've stolen my clothes! You little...
Will someone call the police? Wait! Come back!
Could you please stop laughing and do something to help?
Armani, that suit was.
The little frogs even took my underpants.
Armani?
No, Calvin Klein.
Oh, Dex, I'm so sorry.
Little French bastards!
They took your plimsolls, too.
They're not plimsolls. I've never worn plimsolls in my life.
They were penny loafers, and I bloody loved them!
What? It's not funny. I'm a victim of crime here.
Dex?
What?
Your Calvin Klein underpants.
I'll find them.
I swear to you, I shall track them down.
Go to sleep.
I wonder how many rules we broke.
All of them.
Except Scrabble.
Tomorrow, maybe.
Who says quality TV is dead?
Plenty more of this when we come back after the break,
so do not go away.
I'm warning you. We know where you live.
Go on, get out of here.
Look, I just called, all right, to let you know
that you are the best friend I've ever had.
I'm touched, Dex, but you're off your face. And?
Look, it's 5:00 in the morning. Go home.
And you have an incredible body.
Dex!
Is that Dexter?
Just promise me you'll go home, please?
I will, I will, I will, I will, I will, I will.
Dex, you have work in the morning. Dex...
Look, good night, all right?
Remember, you are absolutely, truly amazing.
Dexter? Dex?
You're amazing
and famous.
I'm not that famous.
Aye, aye. How are you, old man?
Your mother's upstairs. She's been waiting all morning for you.
Good God, why are you sweating like that?
Well, it's a hot day.
No, it's not.
Look, how is she?
Well, why don't you go and see?
Mum?
Hello, hello.
Hello, stranger.
Look, I've got a present for you here.
It's not from me. It's from Emma.
Here, let me.
Thank you.
Oh, how lovely.
A little ambitious maybe.
You might want to push her towards short stories in the future.
Mum, don't.
So what have you been up to?
I'm Dexter Mayhew. what a show we've got for you tonight.
we've got a man who claims...
I'll skip this next bit.
There's an interview that's pretty good.
Perhaps I'll watch it later.
The live show is always a bit patchy.
I don't understand why you have to use that voice,
but then I suppose I just don't care for this sort of thing.
It's just a bit of fun for kids.
They just watch it after the pub.
You mean I'm not drunk enough?
No, it's not that.
You know, honestly, Dexter. Dancing girls in cages.
Is this what it's come to?
I just host it.
It's a means to an end, that's all.
But to what end?
We always said you could do anything you wanted.
Fine. What do you want me to do?
Something good. It is good.
I just do what I'm told. Look, this is what I can do.
I'm sorry.
The medication makes me ratty.
I just need a little lie-down. I'll be better tonight.
Yeah, you know, um...
Actually, I've got this premiere thingy tonight.
Look, I'm sorry. I can't miss it. It's Jurassic Park.
I'm afraid I'm going to need some help.
Are you all right? Here, put your arm around me.
All right. All right?
Are you all right?
Yes.
Can I get you anything? Water? Dry martini?
What time is it?
Quarter past 6:00.
Yeah, I must have dozed off.
I'm afraid you've missed our day.
Your father's a little angry with you.
Look, I'll stay tonight.
No. You go.
No pleasure for me watching you and your father snarling at each other.
Can I speak frankly?
Do you have to?
I think it's my prerogative.
I know that you're going to be a fine man. Decent, loving, accomplished.
But I don't think you're there yet.
And right now, well, I worry
that you're not very nice anymore.
Well, there's nothing I can say to that.
There is nothing you have to.
I'm not going to argue with you.
You can come and collect your car when you're sober.
You're being ridiculous. I mean, you cannot confiscate my car key.
Do not dare to insult my intelligence!
Now your mother loves you very much. You know that.
But for whatever time she has left to her...
If you ever, ever come to see your mother in this state again,
I will not let you in the house.
I will close the door in your face. Now...
Go.
Fine.
You're not there. I just remembered you're on a hot date tonight.
I'm too late.
Okay, can you call me when you get this?
It's just I need to speak to someone.
Not someone. You.
A chainsaw for an arm. It was mad.
It's a work of timeless beauty.
It's the finest of the trilogy, methinks.
And I still understood it without seeing Evil Dead I or Evil Dead II.
My only complaint would be that there wasn't enough violence.
You didn't mind, did you? Or did you want to see Three Colors: Blue?
I'm gonna skip a starter because I had those nachos,
but you go ahead. You can have anything you like.
Anything up to the value of, say, £ 14.00?
No, no, seriously, no, have anything.
Well, you know, within reason.
It's just so good to see you again.
And you're going to be an amazing teacher.
Congratulations. Thanks.
I wish I'd had more teachers like you.
Not that I'd have got any work done. Miss Morley.
You have no new messages.
Comedy's a cruel mistress.
Sometimes, Emma, I think the only way
I'm going to see my name up in lights
is if I change it to Emergency Exit.
Anyway, I'm doing an improvisation night at the moment.
Mr. Giggles. Not his real name.
But I think I'm gonna stick to the more observational material.
I've got this whole thing at the moment
about the difference between cats and dogs.
Hey, please stop.
Okay. Do you know what the hardest thing
about being a stand-up comedian is?
Is it the clothes?
Very good. No.
It's that people expect you to be on all the time.
Because if you're not being funny, then what are you being?
Ian, it's not a performance.
Except it sort of is, though, isn't it?
I've been so excited about seeing you. Like nervous.
I'm sorry, I...
I'm no good at this stuff, either.
It's just I graduated today.
I'm finally, actually qualified to do something useful,
and I wanted to celebrate with someone.
Was Dexter busy?
Em, when you hear this, can you just get in a cab? And I'll pay.
Maybe you could even stay over, you know, on the sofa or something?
I need to just see you.
Please, can you just come over?
Emma Morley? Hmm?
Can I say something?
Go on.
I think you are the absolute bollocks.
You, with your honeyed words.
I should probably head home.
Don't go. Let's go somewhere else.
I live near, actually. I mean, it's a dump, like, horrible.
But I've got music and booze.
Or a hot, milky drink if you prefer.
We could go on an Ovaltine bender.
All right. Okay. One, two, three, go!
Which way?
This way, this way, this way!
That's not needy. That's just affection.
I've just got a lot of love to give.
Well, if I can't call you, can I come and see you?
Do you know where the matches are?
No.
You might wanna leave it for a couple of minutes. Go.
Hi, Miss Morley. Hi.
There gonna be a showbiz party afterwards
with champagne, and canapés, and the tinkle of laughter?
It's a school play, Ian. I suspect we'll be home by half 9:00.
Why don't you stay at mine for a change? I'll wash my duvet cover.
Is that your boyfriend, Miss Morley?
Oy! Cheeky.
Greetings, boys and girls. Welcome to the Late Night Lock In.
Camera one, Dexter.
The show that is late, live and loud.
Dexter, gentleman to see you.
Mind the cables, sir.
Hey. Okay, ladies.
I helped myself to tea and buns.
I hope I'm not going to get you into trouble.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
There he is! Hey!
Doesn't he look gorgeous? Come to Suki.
Suki Sue. Come here.
I just want to eat you up.
Suki, actually, look, this is my father.
Wotcha, Mr. M.
Isn't your son gorgeous?
Um, he's very nice.
And where's Mrs. M?
Sadly, she passed away.
Barry, I need some water.
What an appalling woman.
Actually, she's sort of my girlfriend.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Your mother would have been most impressed.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll be watching at home if I can stay awake.
Have fun
and don't take any notice of what they say in the papers.
Okay, sir. If you'd like to come this way.
Please.
I'm the king of car crash television.
But you're the king of it. That's good.
Caption under photo. "Odious."
why can't you come again?
Because I'm working.
I'll send a car to come and pick you up.
Dex, I can't.
I know, and I'm sorry. I'm just so much better when you're around.
Look, I'm just worried I'm gonna be
stood in front of the camera thinking,
"What's the bloody point?"
The show's ridiculous. I'm such a fraud, Em.
Hey, come on. That's enough.
You know what you're doing. You'll be fine.
Right.
Just don't speak in that weird voice, okay?
Okay. All right. Bye.
Get ready. Here we go.
Great stuff. Let's move. Let's move!
Okay, come on, guys. Let's go.
We're on, superstar.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Late Night Lock In.
The show that is late, live...
And loud!
And what a show we've got for you tonight.
Yay!
Well done, darling.
Thank you.
Come on, Miss Morley.
Bravo!
The Maxi Crew, ladies and gentlemen. The Maxi Crew.
All right, take a seat, fellas. Take a seat. You can sit down there.
Right, guys, I just wanna start by saying that that jam was fresh.
Right, okay, so let's kick it off with... Let's ask some questions.
what is hip hop? Is this the voice from the street?
Is this why you guys are just so angry?
No, dawg.
It's chill, it's chill, it's chill.
Right, okay. Listen, can you rap about anything?
For example, could you rap about a cheese sandwich?
Are you new here? Have you done this before?
Oh, dear. Do not try this at home.
Ian?
Do you think you'll finish painting today?
I'd like to at least get the TV back inside.
All right, all right. I can have breakfast first, can't I?
We've had breakfast.
All right, brunch, then.
Brunch. Is it lunch? Is it breakfast?
No, it's brunch. What about brinner, say?
Or brupper?
Well, I should get on.
Bearhug, snootch?
I thought we agreed about snootch?
I can't seem to say anything right these days, can I?
Look, if you don't want me to go tonight...
No, you should go.
Or if you wanted to come with us...
What? Dexter ignoring me, and you talking over me? No, thank you.
It won't be like that.
Anyway, I've got a gig tonight
at The Rose & Crown, Sir Laffalots.
Paid gig?
No.
Better get back to it then.
Thirty-four identical essays on Lord of the Flies.
Em? About 1 700 hours, do you fancy a little bit of the old...
You know, afternoon delight?
Wow!
You look incredible.
Oh... Ooh!
Let's see the dress.
Is it vintage?
No, it's brand new.
Really? Mmm.
Well, you look great, and I love the shoes.
Thank you. It's the world's first orthopedic high heel.
Look, it's been too long, Em.
I need to have some fun tonight. Can we have fun, please?
God, sorry.
Look, I'll be two seconds. It's work.
I'm naked!
Suki, you nutter.
where are you, baby?
I thought you were supposed to be at the party.
You do know they damage your brain?
They do not damage your brain.
How can you tell?
Ha ha, very funny, Em.
I guarantee you, one year, one year, and you'll have one of these.
You're on. If I ever get a mobile phone, you can buy me dinner.
What, again?
So, come on. How's the king of comedy?
Oh, Ian's fine. We both are.
Are you still very much in love?
He can belch the theme to The A-Team. I'm only flesh and blood.
I don't know. These days, we don't seem to...
And how's the new place? How's that?
Flat's fine. Well, it's a room and a half in murder mile.
And Ian's been talking about painting
the same wall for the past six months.
But it's got potential. There's a view. The Gasworks.
You should come round.
Mmm! Mmm.
How's Suki?
Oh, she's fantastic. Yeah, gorgeous.
What's great for me is that she really understands the industry.
You know, she knows exactly what it's like to be...
I was gonna say "famous." God, we hate the word.
Every time I turn on the telly,
she's there in a pink rubber catsuit.
She's doing incredibly well.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we both are.
I've got some really, really exciting stuff coming up.
It's all sort of in development.
If I told you, I'd have to shoot you.
Please do.
Never mind. Start without me, all right?
Hello.
There you are. Enjoy.
What are you doing, you silly thing?
Well, listen, we'll talk later.
Look at this. This looks gorgeous.
Are you all right? Maybe she could join us?
Hey, hey, hey, what's this? I'm here to see you, remember?
Right, well, how's the teaching?
What? If you're not interested, don't ask.
I am interested.
I just thought you were going to be writing this novel, that's all.
And I will. But I have to earn a living.
More to the point, I enjoy it. I'm a bloody good teacher, Dexter.
I'm sure you are.
Still, you know what they say?
No, what do they say?
You know, "Those who can..."
No, I'm sorry. I'm not familiar. Finish the sentence.
All right. Well, "Those who can, do,
"and those who can't, teach."
And those who can teach say, "Go fuck yourself!"
Em! Em, come on. Look, whatever I've done, I'm sorry.
You've obviously had a bit too much to drink.
No, you're drunk! You're drunk!
Do you realize that I have literally not seen you sober for three years?
Nipping off to the toilet every 10 minutes.
Either you're on coke, or you've got dysentery.
Either way, it's boring! Banging on about yourself all the time.
Well, I wouldn't mind, Dex, but you're a TV presenter, all right?
You've not invented penicillin.
All you do is stand around shouting, "Make some noise!"
Look, I am having fun, that's all.
I've been through a lot recently.
I might get a bit carried away,
but if you wouldn't stop getting at me...
Am I? I don't mean to, and I...
I know that you've been through a lot with your mum and all, I know.
But, there are things that I needed to talk to you about.
About how I am stuck in this flat
with a man that I am not in love with.
And if I can't talk to you, then what is the point of you? Of us?
What do you mean, "What's the point?"
I think we've outgrown each other.
No, you have outgrown me. You think I'm uncool and dreary.
I don't think you're dreary. Em...
I think if it's over, then we should just face facts. Say goodbye.
It sounds like you're dumping me.
Yeah, maybe I am.
You're not who you used to be.
Come on, Em. Look, I apologize!
Please.
Come on. That's it.
There.
I love you, Dexter. So much.
I just don't like you anymore.
I'm sorry.
Johnny Cage wins.
That's an almighty win from the Blade Cruisers there.
I think you'll all agree. Well done, guys.
That's all from tonight's Joy Stick Jockeys. Join us next week
when we review the smoking hot new console games coming at you.
Until then, night owls, keep gaming.
Do I really have to say "smoking hot"?
It's just I'm 32, for God's sake.
What, they're sacking me?
You see, sack has negative connotations.
It's just they wanna try a new presenter.
So they are sacking me?
Well, no, they're taking the show in a different direction,
but it's a direction away from you.
Okay, so less you now.
Okay.
More you in your 20s.
Right. Right.
So, what's the good news?
Sorry?
Well, you said you had some bad news. What's the good news?
Every career has its ups and downs.
This is just a bloody great down.
And I sense a bit of disenchantment, Dexy.
Just a little concerned about my future.
It's not quite what I was expecting.
The future never is. That's what makes it so bloody exciting!
Everyone loves you, yeah?
But they love you in that ironic, love-to-hate kind of way.
Right? And all that we need to do
is just find someone that loves you for real.
Okay? Yeah.
I love you, Sylvie.
No, no, wait. No, I'm in love with you.
Look, I've never said this to anyone before.
Well, that's a lie. Um...
I love you, Sylvie. I...
Sylvie tells me you used to be quite well known.
TV presenter or something.
I did. Yeah. Once upon a time.
Yes, on Larginit. That program. Do you remember, Mummy?
You used to really hate it.
Yes.
"Turn it off," she used to say.
"Turn it off. It's killing your brain cells."
That was you, was it?
You still work in television, Dexter?
Not so much, no. That sort of drifted away, really.
Uh-huh.
Dexter's just being modest. He gets lots of offers.
Anyway, what he really wants to do is produce.
Party games.
Are you there, Moriarty?
Here.
Two for two, nice work, bro.
Going for a hat trick.
Are you there, Moriarty?
Here.
The crowd goes wild!
There's my boy!
Better luck next time, son. Thank you.
Well, I'm still very proud of you.
Oh, isn't this fun?
Dexter, care to take me on? Oh, no.
That's a terrific idea.
Darling, are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Come on, chap. Pick up your weapon.
Nice and tight, Mum.
All right? All right.
Very good. We don't want you cheating.
Good luck. All right.
Come on, sis.
All right, ready?
As ready as I'll...
Good God, man! What the hell do you think you're doing?
That table was from Italy. I'm so sorry.
I must have just caught her at a funny angle there.
You didn't even ask if she was there, Moriarty.
I know. I know. I'm so sorry. Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
Wanker!
Serves me right for not changing the locks.
Looking good, Ian.
You can get stuffed, Emma.
Is that from your act?
No, though I have got this new thingI've been working on.
God.
I come on, and I say, "Here's a funny story. You'll like this."
Ian. "There's this guy,
"and he's going out with this girl, and he worships her,
"and they buy this flat together.
"And then he gets her an engagement ring, the lot.
"It turns out that she is still in love with her best friend."
Interesting theory, Ian, except I've not seen Dexter for ages.
No? That is not the reason.
Do you know how he found out about it? He read it in her poetry.
You bastard!
Give it back to me! "Our graduation night!
"The erotic intensity of the shared bed."
"That magic week in France." It's all here in blank verse.
If you ever, ever, come in here again I will call the police!
Call the bloody police! It's my flat, too!
Is it? I paid the mortgage!
You just sat around farting and watching the bloody wrath of Khan!
You love The wrath of Khan.
I hate The wrath of Khan.
It's a good job we didn't get married.
I'm sorry about going through all your stuff.
I've just been a bit mad recently, that's all.
It's all right.
I miss you.
I know you do.
Like, right here.
Either that, or it's trapped wind. I'm not sure.
Either way, it'll pass.
It's good, by the way.
Not the poems. The poems are awful,
but the rest of the stuff, the stories. You're funny.
Proper funny.
Not like me. Ian.
No, I'm just saying that you should show them to someone,
because you're better than you know.
Oh!
So that's Emma Morley. We went to university together.
Did you sleep with her as well?
No.
What about the bride?
No. God, what is this?
It's just that every weekend we go to a wedding
with a coachload of people that you've slept with.
It's like a conference.
Okay. Come on.
You know you're the only one for me now.
You are. Come on, come here. Come here.
Hummus wraps. Organic smoothies.
Fair Trade coffees.
Crayfish. Dex, people go crazy for the little buggers.
I've got 12 branches already. Twelve more by the end of the year.
Well, you know, there's a rumor going around
that you're actually a multi millionaire.
Come on.
Well, define multi.
You should come and have lunch. We should talk.
What, are you offering me a job?
No, I'm just saying...
You are, aren't you? You're offering me a job.
Look, I haven't seen you on telly for a while.
I thought if you wanted a fresh start...
Callum, mate. Mate, mate, mate.
At university, you wore the same pair of jeans for...
What was it, four years?
Long time ago now, pal.
We're not students anymore.
Someone seems to be enjoying it.
Look, look over here.
Have you seen Emma Morley?
Right under our noses all this time. Eh?
Who knew?
I sit and wait
Does an angel
Contemplate my fate
Do they know
I tell you, the one discovery changed my life.
Crayfish.
I've got 12 branches already. Another 12 by the end of the year.
I was telling Dexter there's plenty of opportunities.
Darling, I'll be back in a bit.
Do you want some champagne?
It's not champagne. It's Spanish.
when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel that love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
Do you want to get out of here?
Yes, please.
And through it all She offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Today must be quite tough for you, having slept with the bride.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What? How do you know all these things?
Tilly told me all about it. Oh, did she?
The foot massage spun out of control.
I think you even used my olive oil.
Footprints halfway up the kitchen wall.
Well, that stuff's behind me now, so...
Really, what happened?
Sex in toilet cubicles lose its bittersweet charm?
Well, an orgy won't keep you warm at night, Emma.
An orgy won't look after you when you're old.
Well said.
Anyway, I screwed up my career.
And screwed up things with Mum.
That's not true.
And I screwed up my friendships.
And then Sylvie just came along.
And she sort of, well, saved me, really.
She's very beautiful.
Of course, she has absolutely no sense of humor.
Just as well. A sense of humor's overrated.
Goofing around all the time.
The only time Ian ever really made me laugh
was when he fell down the stairs.
Well, you know, Sylvie says she doesn't like to laugh.
Doesn't really like what it does to her face.
But you love her, right?
Yeah, I worship her.
I'm loving Colin instead
Oh, no, no. This way.
Where are we going?
Dex?
Oh!
So, come on, then. You, huh?
Any romance?
Don't start, Dex.
What?
Your sympathy. I'm not lonely. I'm alone.
There, how'd that sound?
Yeah, yeah. I bought that.
It's true.
I've got a tiny advance to write this book.
Em!
Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know, I have something to tell you, too.
You're getting married.
Yeah.
So, you're pleased?
Of course I'm pleased, Dex. Fantastic news, really.
Scented? Your wedding invitations are scented.
Yeah, lavender.
No, Dex, it's money. They smell of money.
August 1 4th?
Yeah, I think that's what they call a shotgun wedding.
For 350.
With buffet.
Do you know who the father is?
Stop it.
I'm kidding.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
A dad. I know.
Is that allowed? Will they let you?
It's incredible, isn't it?
You're going to be a wonderful father.
Do you really think so?
I don't doubt it for a minute.
I missed you, Dex.
Well, I missed you, too.
No more disappearing.
No, well, I won't if you won't.
Mmm? Mmm.
Dex?
We should go.
Absolutely, let's go.
Come on, Jasmine. Come on.
You gonna stop crying?
How you getting on?
Good, mate. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not quite what I was expecting, but...
How do you mean?
Well, you see the words organic and homemade...
Yeah, I know. You imagined a couple of hippies
on a little farm somewhere, knitting their own muesli.
Nice idea, but this is business, Dex.
Yeah, well, I realize that. Here's your last two.
Listen, mate. You're only here to learn the ropes, okay?
Company policy. Everyone has to.
Callum, I'm enjoying it.
Honestly, I'm good.
There's plenty of formula left.
I've pureed the veggies, or you could mash a banana.
And what about Indian food? I can give her a curry, can't I?
No, no, no, Dexter. No.
Sylvie, I'm joking.
Oh, I see.
I keep missing those, don't I?
I'm sorry. It's just that I'm late.
I don't even know why I'm going.
I'm too old for hen nights. No, you're not.
That's my cab.
Right, come on, then.
I'll be back tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Be good. Try not to burn the house down.
I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
Goodbye, my sweetheart. Say goodbye to Mummy.
Oh, I know, honey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Have a good time.
Oh! Come on. We'll be all right, won't we?
Party started there's no end in sight
Everybody's moving to the rhythm that's inside
It's a crazy world but tonight's the right situation
I am Spartacus.
No, I'm Spartacus.
I'm Spartacus.
wahey! Let's have a big hand and give a round of applause...
Look, Jas. Look, that's Daddy's ex.
...for basketball stars TJ and Mickey D!
Isn't she loud?
Can you even fit them in a two-shot?
They are so tall. I'm practically melting over here.
Isn't she a loud, loud girl?
"Julie Criscoll, aged 15, wanted
nothing more than to change the world."
"If only all the politicians would actually listen."
Yeah, well that's Em.
Is that Em? Yeah, that's Em. She wrote the book.
Emma?
It's me.
I'm so sorry, darling.
Look, how's the party going? How's it all going?
Um...
We're all going on to some club. How is she?
Asleep. You know, finally.
She's been awake all this time?
Yeah, my fault. I should have given her the decaf.
See? There you go. I made you laugh.
Are you all right?
Yeah. No, no, I'm good. I'm good.
Why? Were you worried?
Oh, no. Um...
No reason. I just...
Well, I was just checking up on you and...
well, everything's fine.
All right.
Look, Sylvie,
I know I'm not good at all this, you know, dad/husband thing.
You're doing fine, Dexter.
No, and I know if you had a receipt,
you would have taken me back a long time ago.
But, you know, I'm working on it, all right? So bear with me. That's all.
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow. All right.
Night. Good night.
Funny?
Very funny.
Well, look at you. You even look like a writer.
A writer in Paris.
There's a word for this, isn't there?
Uh, butch.
I was gonna say gamine.
What do you look like?
Me? A screwed-up divorce.
So my apartment's not far. Shall we?
How long are you staying for?
I suppose it's up to you, really. It's just...
Look, I just wanted to say something
which I couldn't really do over the phone.
Well, ever since we were last together in London...
Dexter, before you say anything else, I have to...
There's something I have to tell you.
You've met someone!
Is that really so hard to believe?
A man? Yes, a man. A guy.
A guy! He's a guy now, is he? I see.
He's called Jean-Pierre, Jean-Pierre Dusollier.
What, he's French?
No, Dex, he's Welsh.
He's handsome. He's charming. He's just very, very French.
What, you mean rude?
No. Arrogant?
Smokes too much, wears a string of onions.
Why are you being like this?
Oh, God, you mean sexy. Is that what you mean? You're having lots of sex?
Since when do I need to ask your permission?
God knows you never asked mine.
But we just slept together.
I haven't forgotten.
Dexter, we got a bit drunk.
Yeah, not that drunk.
You took your trousers off over your shoes.
No, I didn't.
Did I?
I think that you were upset about Sylvie and the divorce,
and you needed a shoulder to cry on.
Or sleep with.
And that's what I was, a shoulder to sleep with.
And that's why you did it, was it? To cheer me up.
Well, it worked, didn't it?
If you must know, it was one of the better nights of my life.
See?
Don't fish.
Dex, it was one time.
Well, it was three times.
Come on. Look, you don't think it's a good idea?
You and me.
I do. I did.
In the late '80s.
Right.
Better get going.
Why? What are we doing?
Jean-Pierre wants to meet you.
Oh, you're kidding.
We're going to hear him play.
Play?
He's a jazz musician.
Bastard.
We're going to listen to him play free jazz on the piano for about nine hours,
and it's going to be lots of fun and in no way awkward.
You're not going out like that, are you?
Just do me up.
That's Jean-Pierre.
Where?
Oh, God. You could have at least found someone a bit good-looking.
You know, Em, I'm sure he's a fine jazz pianist.
I just don't think I can do this.
Oh. Really?
Yeah, I'll just go and see a movie and go back to the apartment.
And then I think I'm going to get the first train back tomorrow.
You don't have to leave.
I think I do.
I'm sorry, Dex.
Hey, don't be.
Go on.
Salut. Hey.
Wait! Dexter!
I thought I got rid of you.
If you muck me about, Dexter...
Em, I swear. I swear I won't.
Lead me on, or let me down, or go behind my back,
I will murder you.
I won't do that.
You swear?
Yeah, I swear. I swear.
I would like to thank everyone for coming to our wedding.
For what can only be described as a whirlwind romance.
Pause for laughter.
Seriously, when people ask how Emma and I first met,
I tell them that we grew up together.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
You're not going to say, "Blah, blah, blah," on the day, are you?
You are not supposed to be hearing this.
What if I have notes?
Come on, let me see.
No, no.
When we're married, you're going to have to obey me.
Yeah, I'm sure that's going to happen.
What? Not again?
You don't mind, do you?
No, I don't mind.
Although, there are health and safety issues.
I could lose my license.
They'll wonder where we've got to.
Mmm! Mmm.
I can definitely smell burning.
Hello, hello.
Hi, there.
Come here, you. Here we go.
Do you want to give me a big kiss? Give me a big kiss.
Go on.
TV between 5:30 and 6:00, but no more.
And she has to be in bed by 7:30.
All right, do you want to run inside?
Go see Emma. Good girl.
I'm out here, Jasmine.
She's loving coming here at the moment.
Well, good. That's great.
I'm really pleased for you.
Look, I'd invite you in. It's just...
No, it's fine. We've got to go and see my family.
Have fun. Thanks.
In you get, Moriarty.
Dexter? Yeah.
I've been thinking.
So have I.
I want a child with the man I love.
And if he won't do it, then I want one with you.
Well, then, we'd better get started.
I look so tired.
So take some exercise. Come swimming with me later.
No, no, I can't. I've got to do too much at the cafe.
Fine. Don't.
By the way, in case you're interested, I'm not pregnant.
Em, how do you know?
How do you think?
We could try again, though.
Come on, look... No, no, no, no. Come on.
Look, I'm sorry. All right?
No, I am for taking it out on you.
We're not at our best today, are we?
Listen, why don't we meet each other after work?
We'll go to the movies. Your choice.
Something with subtitles.
Ooh.
And we can go and have some dinner. Just you and me,
and we can work this out. All right?
I promise. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Hey, there. Just to say I'm running late, but I'm on my way.
I'm sorry for being so snappy this morning.
Hey, there. Just to say I'm running late, but I'm on my way.
And I'm sorry for being so snappy this morning.
I just wanted to say you're a fine thing, Dexter Mayhew.
I love you very much.
Okay, there you go. Lucky you!
Dad.
Dexter? Hello, darling.
Jasmine!
Are you all right? Go and get dressed.
Sylvie, Sylvie. Dexter?
Sylvie, Sylvie, I screwed up.
Jasmine, now!
I screwed up.
It's all right. You're all right.
No, I screwed up.
Come on, let's get you up. Come on.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Aw, Dex, come on.
You poor thing.
Oh, God. Dexter.
As the rain came down, the water levels began to rise.
So is this going to be an annual festival, do you think?
Every year, 15th of July?
Well, I hope not.
I don't want a heart-to-heart.
Do you?
No, no. I'd rather not.
Except to say, that I think the best thing that you could do
would be to try to live your life as if Emma was still here.
Don't you?
I don't know if I can.
Of course you can.
What do you think I've been doing for the past 10 years?
Now Silent witness is on. 9:00.
Right.
Ian. God!
Dexter.
Hi. Hello, mate.
Are you well? Yeah, look at this.
So, how are you? How's the stand-up comedy?
Oh, well, I gave that up, actually.
That's a shame.
No, not really, because I was never any good.
The only time I ever made Emma laugh
was when I fell down the stairs. Really.
No, I'm in insurance now.
Great, great.
I hate today. Fifteenth of July.
Saint Swithin's Day.
It's a tough one.
I never noticed it before, but it was always there just waiting, lurking.
I used to hate you, too.
Quite violently, actually, Dexter. No, I'm sorry, but...
Because, she lit up with you.
Just in a way that she never would with me,
and it used to make me so angry because...
I didn't think that you deserved her. Can I say this?
Yeah, go on.
She made you decent.
And then in return, you made her so happy.
So happy.
And I will always be grateful to you for that.
And on that bombshell, back to the sticks.
There's my lot out there. Oh! Look at them.
Yeah, I know.
So, listen, we'll stay in touch. I'll give you a call.
No, I don't think that's necessary. I think we're done here.
Come here.
Good luck, mate. All right?
You, too.
Thank you.
You've got cake everywhere.
Wake up.
It's all right. Don't panic. It's only me.
Emma. Emma Morley.
Yes. Hello.
So what do you suggest we do?
We could stay in touch.
Today. We're meant to be doing something today.
Right. Right, right.
Look, today's a bit tricky for me, really.
No, no, it's not that. It's just...
Well, I'm meeting my parents, and then I've got to get back...
Oh, yeah, yeah, you should probably go then.
It was lovely to meet you. Bye, now.
Look, that's not until later, so if you wanted to,
we could go for a walk or something?
Okay.
Come on, keep up.
It's these shoes. I can't mountain climb in brogues.
It's not K2. It's just a big hill, all right? A child could do it.
I don't want you thinking I'm bothered or anything about last night.
I don't want your phone number, or letters, or postcards.
I don't want to get married to you.
Definitely don't want to have your babies.
Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today.
And if we should bump into each other sometime in the future,
well, that's fine, too.
We'll be friends.
Yeah, right.
Or, you know, on the other hand...
Go on.
Well, my parents don't arrive until later.
So?
So, well, the flat's empty.
You know, if you wanted to finish what we started.
What? Sober?
Mmm-hmm.
And in daylight.
Race you!
Do you want a piggy-back, you old man?
It's these shoes. There's no blooming grip on these things.
Here, come here, you.
Did you come up here with Emma?
Yeah, once.
That was a long time ago now.
Do you miss her?
Well, of course, I do.
She was... She was my best friend.
Who's your best friend now then?
Well, you are, of course. Come here.
Why, who's yours?
I think it's probably Mum.
Yeah.
I'm not so terrible though, am I?
I'm not answering that.
You know what you are.
It's just round the corner. This way.
Oh, Dexter!
Damn it, they're early.
You're early.
We thought we'd surprise you.
Clearly, we have.
Mum, Dad, this is Emma Morley. Morley.
Hello. Pleased to meet you.
Emma, you'll join us for tea, yes?
No, no, thanks. I should leave you to it.
Are you going to go? Yeah. Well,
pleasure to meet you and...
Well, have a nice life.
Okay.
I'm sorry. Did we just interrupt something?
No, no. Emma's just a good friend.
Weren't you wearing this yesterday?
The rascal.
Emma! Em!
Em, wait! Wait, wait.
Look, I need your phone number.
My number? Right. Of course.
Look, I'm so sorry about all of that.
I wasn't expecting them until after we... Well, you know.
Right.
This is me in Edinburgh.
Right.
My parents' number
and their address just in case.
Right.
Oh. Dad's got a fax machine at work.
Just the phone number's fine.
Thank you.
Look, I've got to go.
I know.
But we will see each other again.
I know we will.
Goodbye, Dex.
Goodbye.