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(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
(voice-mail) Hi, you've reached the office of Dr. Stuart Price.
Please note the office will be closed until the 24th.
If this is an emergency, please try...
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
(voice-mail) Hi! This is Dr. Stu Price. I'm getting married.
So I'll be out of the country for 2 weeks.
I'm not sure if I'll have cell service.
If this is a dental emergency...
Nothing.
(speaking in Thai)
Daddy, please! You're not helping!
I looked into his eyes. Not the eyes of a man.
The eyes of a coward.
(speaking in Thai again)
Excuse me!
- Bill! - Tracy!
- I'm sorry! - Where the hell are you?
It happened again!
Don't say that, please!
No this time we really fucked up.
Seriously! What is wrong with you three?
So much Trace, I don't even know where to begin.
Oh god! How bad?
- Like, no wedding bad? - Yeah...
a little worse than that.
THE HANGOVER PART II
ONE WEEK EARLIER
Uh, huh.
- You really need to floss more. - Fuck that! That's why I come here.
- Then you should come more than once every two years! - Why? So you can bleed me of all my money?
I never charge you a dime, Phil!
- Hey, how do I work the nitrous? - Ah, you don't actually.
Come on! Just one hit!
Fillings look pretty good. Any other problems?
Yeah, actually. You're getting married in Thailand.
For starters, that's flights for me and Steph. That's two grand right there.
Then my mother in laws watching the kids. So now she's got this whole new thing over my head.
Plus, takes five days to get there.
It's a 16 hour flight. And it's beautiful when you get there.
- Whatever, it's a hassle! - It is kinda far.
Lauren's been there a week and she's still jet lagged.
But it's where her parents are from and it means a lot to them.
Who gives a shit about her parents! Her dad hates you!
He doesn't hate me! He's just never spoken to me...
...I think it's a cultural thing.
Why can't you just get married in Vegas like you did the last time. It's so much easier.
Why can't you just be excited for me?
This is my wedding!
- You're really happy, huh? - I really am.
Alright...
...I'm happy too.
- Thank you! - Gonna be fun.
Phil. Put the prescription pad back.
- Thank you. You know that's a felony right? - Fuck you, man!
- Was this right up against your scrotum? - Yep.
- Oh my god, I just realized. - What?
- I forgot to renew my passport! - Oh no...
Good thing I did it last week. It's in the kitchen drawer.
- You're the best! - Hey! We're a team!
You're a good guy. Like a really good guy!
Thank you!
- So I know you're not gonna get mad. - Mad? What, mad at what?
Alan found out that we're going to Thailand for Stu's wedding.
- So? - So he's heart broken Doug. You guys are like his family!
No. Your family is like his family.
All Alan talks about is the three of you.
- And that weekend. - Wait a second...
- Is he the one who keeps calling and hanging up? - He does that when he's upset.
He doesn't understand why he's not invited.
Could you just run it by Stu? Just run it by him.
For me...
No fucking way! Absolutely not!
Come on Stu, it's killing him.
Honestly, the two of you were barely invited.
I get it. I really do. It's just, you know what...
Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
I consider Alan to be insane.
Stu, throw him a bone! We've already said he's got to pay for everything he eats and everything he breaks.
You know what. We should see if we can squeeze the old man to cover the bachelor party.
- That's good. - I'm glad you brought that up.
- Because... this is the bachelor party! - What?
- What are you talking about? - Yeah, it's my bachelor brunch!
Go crazy. Get some chocolate chip pancakes... a lap dance from the waitress...
That's bullshit! You can't just skip out of a bachelor party, Stu.
You see that? That's orange juice with a napkin on top.
Do you know why? So nobody will refuse me.
Why I refuse to eat fucking cantaloupe at a bachelor party?
- C'mon Stu. Don't you think you're over reacting? - No, I don't.
I'm still putting the pieces of my broken psyche back together.
And you know what the glue is? Lauren! I'm not doing anything to screw that up.
- Oh, please. You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us. - Oh, this'll be good.
Stu, think about it!
You ended up ditching Melissa, and two years later you met your true soul mate.
You take Vegas out of that equation, you would have married a cunt.
Oh that's ok. I'm allowed to say it. It's a bachelor party.
Drink up everybody.
Oh wait, there's no alcohol! I forgot we're at a fuckin IHOP!
Well it's my decision and it's final, so... how bout a toast?
This sucks. I'm gonna wait in the car.
- C'mon Phil, where you going? - Doug, Doug, I just don't get it!
He's getting married in Thailand! That's great for him, but what about us?
You're selfish! Come on, sweetheart...
Shame on you!
Don't worry Stu. I will stand up for you no matter what.
Thank you.
But you gotta help me out with this Alan thing.
Guys, I can't tell you how much this means...
Alan's been waiting for the invite ever since he got word of the wedding.
- I'm sure he has. - Yeah.
Been standing outside by the mailbox every day.
- Well that's tough. - Yeah.
I uh, I'm not sure he ever left Vegas.
He really needs this.
What?
Sweetie, papa! You have visitors! Go in slowly.
Give him a chance to acclimate.
- Hey, Alan! - Hey, guys! Hey, Phil!
Hey, bud!
- You guys wanna come in? - Sure. Absolutely.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey, Stu! - Ok. See you on the court in half...
- Pretty cool room, Alan! - Thanks, Phil! My dad pays my rent.
Alan, what the fuck! You were supposed to delete these!
You made a promise!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell? I'm not cool with this at all. You can't have these.
Relax, Stu! Nobody ever comes in here.
- A total violation of trust! - Mother I'm done with my lunch. It's just sitting here!
I'm sorry, honey. I'll be right up.
- I can't believe you guys stopped by. This is really cool. - Wait a second!
- Al, is that Mr. Chow? - Yeah. We still keep in touch.
Stu!
Chow, the guy that kidnapped us?
He didn't kidnap us. He kidnapped Black Doug.
Remember? It was a whole big misunderstanding.
He's actually quite charming.
- Alan, he's a criminal. - Excuse me, boys!
- Hi, Linda! - Hi, Dougie!
I guess we don't do desert anymore. I didn't get that memo.
I'm sorry, darling. I'll be right back.
Would a cupcake kill you?
- You know, I don't think this was a good idea. - Alan, we have a little surprise for you.
Stu would like to invite you to his wedding.
- Well only if you're not busy. - Stu!
Well maybe the Jonas Brothers are in town.
Nope. They're in Raleigh-Durham that weekend.
Are you really being serious, Stu? You're inviting me?
Yeah why not? It's gonna be fun, right?
- Phil, are you going? - Of course!
Then it will be fun.
What the fuck are you doing, man?
It's my immunizations. It's the last day I can do it.
That's supposed to be done by a registered nurse.
I'm a nurse. Just not registered.
Stu, look at this! I bought this cause I thought of you!
- Hey, there he is! - Hey, Stu!
- Teddy! What's up? How are ya? - Hey Stu.
- Alright. Who's this guy, Stu? - This is Teddy. Lauren's little brother.
Goes to Stanford. Pre-med. This is Phil, Alan and Doug.
Hey, nice to meet you, man!
Wow, Stanford? How old are you?
- He's 17. Kind of a genius. - Actually, I'm 16.
I'm not a genius. My dad just had me take the entrance exams early.
Because you're a genius.
- So what are you, a doctor? - No, not yet. I'm premed.
- Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser? - Yeah.
- Well, he turned out to be a gay. - Alan.
It's true, I read it in Teen People.
Right, ok... well I'm gonna grab a book or something for the plane. You guys want anything?
- No, thanks. I'm good. - I would actually love a small water.
Cool.
- What's the matter with you. He's 16 years old. - Yeah, Alan. Take it easy!
I'm a little confused. Is he here just to see us off or what. How does this work?
- How does what work? - Is that person coming to the wedding?
Yes Alan. My brides little brother is coming to the wedding. Is that ok with you?
Well, it's the first time I've heard of it. You could have paged me.
Don't over react. It's gonna be fine.
- Hey. Mind if I sit? - Wolf pack only. Find another chair.
- There's no wolfpack, Alan. C'mon. - It's no problem. I'll find...
- Teddy, don't be ridiculous! You're sitting here! - Careful, that's a Louis...
That is a Louis Vuitton!
- That's a nice neck roll! - Thanks! You can use it if you want.
Ok.
The Downeaster 'Alexa'" by Billy Joel playing
Baby!
This is so absolutely beautiful! Thank you much!
Of course.
Between Teddy and me, you must be pretty excited. Pretty soon you'll have 2 doctors in the family.
You have to realize that in my country we don't consider dentists to be real doctors.
Dad...
Ok.
Anyway I have to go and talk to Teddy about his cello performance tonight.
Ouch!
I'm so sorry...
Your dad's kind of obsessed with your brother, isn't he?
Teddy is my dad's prize possession. It's always been that way.
He'll warm up, I promise! Okay?
You can just fax it over to me. I'll pick it up at the concierge.
Thanks, papa! Bye bye!
That was my dad. I'm a stay at home son.
We were discussing your wedding gift. He's sparing no expense.
Oh... That's so unnecessary.
I've been meaning to ask someone. I notice this is a fishing village.
Is there a Long John Silver's on the island?
You know. No, I don't think so. I'm so sorry.
But, we are actually serving some great fresh seafood.
- Better than Long John's? - Yes.
- I'll be the judge of that. Enjoy your evening. - You too. Ok.
All right!
Thank you, Teddy!
The hands of a brilliant musician!
And one day, a great surgeon.
I admit it...
When I first met Stu, I was not quite sold.
He seemed unattractive. He lacked intelligence and imagination.
He was missing the spark you look for in a man.
But then I looked into Stu's eyes.
It reminded me of my sweet brother, Chai Yo.
For those who do not know, Chai Yo is learning the sailboat and lives in a group home.
But Chai Yo loves "khao" .
And that's when I realized, Stu is "khao".
What is "khao"?
"Khao" is soft white rice in luke warm water.
It has no taste.
We feed it to small baby and uh, very old people.
It is nourishment that everyone can digest.
The world needs "khao", just as the world needs people like Stu.
To my sweet daughter and Stu! Congratulations!
Cheers!
And now I believe that Teddy has something to say.
Sit down! I got this. Sit down, boy!
That was a.. a great speech, sir!
I like the comparison between Stu and rice.
I've also prepared a few words.
Hey everybody. Here's some fun facts.
The population in Thailand is 63 million people.
It is twice the size of Wyoming.
It's chief exports are textiles, footwear and rice.
Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand.
- The climate in Thailand... - Alan!
- Why don't you skip to the last card there, buddy. - Okay. Sorry!
None of you know Stu like I do.
Not you... not you... not you...
Not nobody knows Stu like I do.
No one!
I can't even tell you what we've been through cause we made a pact.
More important than blood.
What I can tell you is this. This is not Stu's first marriage.
There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago.
Sit down...
- Enough! He'll get over it! - Okay. Thanks, Phil!
In your face!
Well that was exactly as painful as I expected it to be.
Sorry...
- Oh, rice pudding! What are you doing? - HaHa. Very funny!
Be nice, Phil! He's extra sensitive tonight.
Get over it! He's your father in law. He's supposed to hate you.
Come have a drink with me and the guys.
You know... I'm really exhausted. We're just gonna go upstairs and crash.
C'mon, I just spoke with the manager. He's gonna let us have a bonfire on the beach.
That sounds fun!
- Nyah... I'm good. - He's tired!
Stu, one drink with your friends who came all this way.
- I just wanna hang out with you! - Oh c'mon. Just go! And do me a favor.
Take Teddy with you. He never gets to have any fun.
That is a great idea. Bring the kid.
- Alright. One drink! - Perfect.
- See you later. - Have fun!
- You have the key? - Yep, got it right here!
I'll see you in 20 minutes!
My uncle Roger said that he once saw an albino polar bear.
Really? Polar bears are white. How would he know if it's an albino?
This one was black.
Did you ever think maybe it was just a black bear?
Whatever...
Ok. Here we go. American beer.
- Sealed bottle! - Thank you. Alright!
- I'm not really old enough to drink. - Yeah, it's illegal.
Would be a shame if somebody reported you.
Nobody's reporting anybody. It's fine Teddy. Have a little fun.
Careful!
What is this? Instant marshmallows? Nice touch!
- That was Alan's idea. - Good thinking, Al!
You know... I gotta hand it to you, Stu! This place is paradise.
Not bad, right?
And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually jealous of you.
- I mean, Lauren is an angel. - Yeah, she really is amazing.
Wow, you guys are sweet.
Not big breasts on her. But still, solid rack for an Asian.
- Sorry, Teddy, but it's true. - That's ok.
That is just wildly inappropriate.
And yet... I'm really glad you're here. All you guys. Even you Alan.
It means a lot that you made the trip. Thank you.
- Wouldn't have missed it buddy. - Great!
Now. Can we have our one fucking beer, dad?
Alright. Toast! C'mon stand up guys.
Come over here, Alan!
To Lauren and Stu!
- You did it, buddy. - Sure did.
Cheers!
What the hell...
What?
Phil...
I think it happened again.
- Alan, what the fuck did you do? - I didn't do anything. I swear to god.
Your hair is gone.
No, no... up.
Where the fuck are we?
Phil, I'm scared.
Stu, c'mon get up! We got a situation.
- Oh, holy shit! - Where are we?
- Oh my god, Alan. Your head. - No your head!
- Is it bald? - Stu, you're gonna freak out, but it's gonna be ok.
- Why? Was it my teeth? - Nope, it's not your teeth.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
Can you see the bottom?
Oh my god! What the fu...ck
That's good. Why don't you try to wash it off.
It's not coming off. This is a real tattoo!
- Alan, what did you do! Did you Roofie me? - I didn't do anything!
Stu, he swore to god!
What happened?
Get it off of me!
- What the hell? - It's a monkey.
What a cute little mask. Hi little monkey.
Alan...
Phone! Alan, go find the phone!
I got it!
- Doug, where the hell are you? - I'm at breakfast. By the pool.
- You guys coming down or what? - Oh Jesus. Thank god. Doug's fine.
- Stu, Doug's fine. He's at the resort. - Why aren't we at the resort.
What's going on? Where are you guys?
I do not know, man! We woke up in some shit hole room in some city.
- Oh god. What city? - I don't know, Doug!
Fuckin Asia-town.
- I do not know, I told you. - Where are we?
- Hey Stu. - What?
Check this out.
Ever seen anything like this?
- What is that? - Careful. Might be a spiders nest.
I've tangled with those before.
I don't get it man. We each had one beer last night, right? I mean you too!
- Yeah but I left early, remember? - I don't remember shit!
Tracy wasn't feeling well. She came down to get me.
- Wait and second. Is Teddy with you guys? - Teddy? What? What are you talking about?
He wasn't in his room. They've been looking for him all morning.
- Teddy went to Stanford, right? - Yeah. Why?
Fuck!
- I just found his finger! - What?
- I just found his fucking finger, Doug! - Phil, what is going on?
Alright. Alright, alright... this is what we're gonna do.
You tell the girls that we woke up early and went on a fishing trip, ok. And that's where we are.
- Right. - Right, stay by the phone!
Shit!
Uh, we got a little bit of a problem.
What is that?
We don't know.
- Is it a worm? - It's a mushroom.
Yeah, shiitake.
Monkey, taste it! Is it shiitake?
- He can't understand you. - He just did.
- Why is he pulling on it? - He's probably hungry.
Wait a second. Is that...
What the fuck man. Tell that gay monkey to leave my shit alone.
Chow?
You're fucking crazy.
It's so fucking light in here! Alan, grab me my sunglasses!
- It's great to see you, Leslie! - Nice to see you too my little popo.
Chow, what the fuck are you doing here?
Alan called me a few days ago and invited me to the wedding.
- Excuse me? - What, he's my plus one.
You don't have plus one. It's $200 a plate.
Guys, guys. Just focus, ok. Chow, what happened?
You guys texted me, said you're fucked up and looking to party.
I picked you up on my boat and I brought you here to Bangkok.
But we had a sick night, bitches!
Wait a second Chow, we're in Bangkok?
Holler, city of squalor.
- Do you know how I got this tattoo? - Uh, yeah from a fucking tattoo guy!
Come on Stu, use that big Jewish brain.
What's the monkey holding?
- That's a finger! - Stu, I got some bad news.
Teddy was with us last night. That's his finger.
- Teddy's dead? - Teddy's not dead! He partied with us all night!
- Well then where is he? - Don't you remember anything?
- No! - No, nothing, Chow.
Ok I explain it all, ok?
Just let me do one bump, get my head straight. Come to papa.
That's a big...
You ready for craziest fucking story ever...
Chow!
Hey Chow, you okay?
You gotta be kidding me.
Fuck, he's dead!
- Help! - Stu!
- Help! - Stu, shut up!
- Call an ambulance! - Shut up! He's dead!
Look if someone comes and finds a dead body and a pile of cocaine...
We're gonna spend the rest of our fucking lives in a Thai prison.
Alan! Please don't cry!
Alright. Alright. I just need a second to figure this out.
ICE MACHINE LOCATED ON 15TH FLOOR.
Look, this is the worst idea, ever.
What the fuck is this place?
Bangkok is the capital of Thailand. Its population is 12 million people...
Alan, will you help!
- The elevator! - I'll get the button!
- What the fuck is the deal with this monkey? - That monkey gets it!
- Come on! - Fuck no!
The powers out. We gotta take the stairs.
- Oh fuck! - Come on!
Here it is!
Feet first. I've done this before.
Careful!
- Stu! - What?
- We still have to find Teddy! - Oh god.
The roof!
Teddy!
- You guys see him? - No!
He's not here.
I can't believe this is happening again.
Ok, look. We'll handle this. You get back there.
You tell them that Alan and I got drunk with him, we're still partying.
- You gotta go get married! - No! Not going back without Teddy!
He's Lauren's little brother. He's lost, he's injured.
If I fuck this up, I lose everything.
Ok.
Alright.
- Alan, check your pockets! - What?
You know the drill. C'mon there might be clues.
- Check your phones! Numbers, texts. - That's a good idea!
- I got nothing. Fuck! - I got an text from Chow.
- What time? - Uh, 10 o'clock last night.
- What's it say? - "On my way, Niggahs"
Oh, Niggahs... ok... hip hop.
We are so... fucked!
Hey Phil! Look who's back!
We gotta get you out of the sun. You're too hot.
Phil, I really think we should go to the American Consulate.
For what? To report a dead body we shoved into an ice machine?
What are we gonna do? Keep walking around in circles? Cause that's real productive.
You know I'm trying to figure this thing out here and your attitude is not helping.
I'm sorry. It's a 100 degrees and we don't have a plan.
And all we've done is buy him hats and sodas.
-What, it's a bag of Fanta! - Alright, what do you want to do, Stu?
I don't know!
Well then stop yelling at me like it's my fuckin fault.
It is your fault!
All I wanted was a bachelor brunch.
Shit! Shut up! It's Doug! Talk to me!
I just got off the phone with Bangkok PD. They've got him. He's ok.
Oh thank god! Doug found him.
- What happened? - He got arrested.
- Arrested? For what? - Disorderly conduct.
- Seriously? - Yeah! He's ok though.
They'll release him to you. No questions asked. No one has to know.
He's at the Ratra Wang police station.
Ok. I'll call you when we get there.
Teddy's in jail, but he's fine. We gotta get a cab.
- Ok! - Alright!
- Yes, I have his paperwork here. - Okay.
- He has been treated. - Sounds good.
We're good. They've processed him for release.
They put him in the drunk tank. He's fine.
Sixteen years old and spent a night in jail. Can you imagine?
Haha! We love to party.
Here we go!
- Wait who's this fuckin guy? - Teddy Sisay.
No, no, no, no. That's the wrong guy! Sir!
Excuse me.. I'm sorry. Officer. You brought the wrong guy. That's not Teddy!
Of course it is! We have his ID's and everything!
These were in his pocket when we made the arrest.
They were in his pocket?
Excuse me, sir! How did you get this stuff?
Hello?
Teddy doesn't speak. We tried English, Thai, Chinese... Nothing.
Let me ask you something.
Does he look like he works out at Bally Total Fitness in Palo Alto, California?
Look. We arrest a lot of people. We cannot analyze everything.
- What do you expect us to do with this guy? - Not my problem!
Hey guys, I think he knows us. Hi. Hello.
You know where our friend is, Teddy? He's missing!
- Stu, forget it. The guys worthless. - He knows something!
He's wearing Teddy's sweatshirt.
Maybe he just doesn't understand. I'll act it out. Yeah, like charades. Watch.
- Two words. - Is it a movie?
This is not for you, Alan!
- American teenager... in Asia. - Karate Kid, with Jaden Smith.
It's easy cause you're talking to him.
Stu, it's a waste of time! Just leave this fucking guy here.
Here's something. There are 500 thousand monks living in Thailand.
It is not uncommon for some monks to take a vow of silence, at the age of eight.
There you go.
- Anything else in that envelope? - Nah, it's empty.
Woah, hang on. A drink card from White Lion bar in Bangkok?
Worth a shot.
Jesus christ! Is this the right street?
That's what it says.
- Whoa! This is the White Lion! - What the fuck happened here?
Holy shit!
(yelling in Thai)
- Let's... - We should probably...
That's ok.
What the fuck is going on here?
- Whoa, guys. Check it out! - Holy shit! Stu, look!
That's my face. Go, go go! Nice work, Alan!
- Hello? - Be with you in a minute!
- Excuse me. - Oh, look who it is!
- So what do ya think? - What, I'm sorry?
- The tattoo. You love it? - Uh, no. Actually, I hate it.
- No refunds. Get the fuck out! - Wait a second!
Read the sign!
NO REFUNDS. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
We don't want any refunds. We just have a couple of questions.
We're trying to figure out what went down last night.
What went down? Take a look at what you did outside. Half the neighborhood went down.
- We did that? - You don't remember getting into a bar fight at the White Lion?
- Starting a full on fuckin riot? - Sir, we don't remember anything.
Oh boy...
Check this out!
Oh shit!
Fuck the Police!
There's Teddy! He was with us!
Jesus christ!
That's when the cops arrived and started cracking skulls.
I took you guys and hid you in the shop here.
Then you decided to get a tattoo. You cried like a little bitch.
This kid is fucking nine years old. He's got balls twice your size.
- Show him your balls, Nao! - No, no, no. That's ok.
Listen, we're looking for our friend Teddy. Have you seen him?
Not since last night. Why? What happened?
Yeah, I'm supposed to marry his sister tomorrow and we kinda lost him.
- Oh well. Then fuck it! - What do you mean, fuck it?
Bangkok has him now and she'll never let him go.
- You hear that, huh? Is this what you wanted? You happy now?
You're wasting your time. These monks take their vow shit seriously.
Look at this. That's the sign of the Chang Mai Monastery, just outside of town.
Maybe somebody over there can get him to talk.
- Ok, can we just go over this one more time? You got the beer from...
- The hotel bar. They gave me a sealed case. - Right.
- But, who gave it to you? - The bartender.
And then you brought em out and I opened them.
Yeah and Doug had one and he was fine so it's not the beer.
- So what the hell happened? - I have no idea!
Hey guys. Check it out. He's got a Chinese boner.
Alan, come on! Cut it out!
- That is so wrong! - Don't stop monkey, keep doing it.
When a monkey nibbles on a penis it's funny in any language!
Keep doing it!
Alright, thank you!
Bye Shannon! Bye Little Wayne!
Wow! So beautiful!
What is this, a PF Chang's?
Ah, they're meditating.
- Such a peaceful people! - Yeah.
- Knock, knock! Hello! - Alan! Show some respect!
- Don't get up guys. - We brought one of your guys back.
He's really funny. He's really nice and cool.
Hi, how you doing. You the one in charge?
- Excuse me... ow... Wait! - Stop it! Calm down!
Hold on. It's because we're talking.
God damn it! Oh! Stop!
Wait it's me!
Oh I get it.
No talk! No talk! Shh.. Ok...
Ok.
Late last night, you climbed the walls of our monastery.
Shouting out questions about love, marriage and the meaning of life.
Poor brother Han was meditating alone in the garden.
- And you took him. - Oh my god!
- We kidnapped a monk. - We live an alternative life style.
We are so sorry about that, but we weren't ourselves last night.
Yep, things kinda spun outta control a little bit. But there's a boy who's missing and hurt.
Can you find out if he knows where our friend is?
Brother Han took a vow of silence many years ago.
It would be useless to try.
Well maybe he can write down what happened, on a piece of paper?
Actually Phil, that would be cheating. Isn't that right, Grand Wizard.
- Alan! - I'm afraid fatty is right.
See?... What?
None of us will ever know what brother Han knows.
Oh, alright. Well, so much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes. C'mon, let's go.
Hey you know what! FYI! You may want to put some signs up that say no talking...
- ...before you unleash your dragon. - Yeah, that was a little rough.
And "your welcome" for bringing him back safe.
- You know we found him in the drunk tank. - Yeah well we did take him in the first place.
- C'mon guys, let's go. - Wait!
The Buddha teach, every memory lives somewhere deep within.
Perhaps you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.
- Did you understand a word he just said? - Yeah, yeah. About two thirds.
He said something about the Garden of Meditation?
No, he said he's farting because of his medication.
I get that.
It's a waste of time. I don't remember anything. Do you?
No. I got nothing. Alan?
Alan!
"Every memory lives somewhere deep within"
- Sweetie. - What?
You have visitors.
- Hey, Alan! - Hey, guys!
- Hey, Phil. - Hey buddy!
Stu would like to invite you to his wedding.
- Is this true, Stuart? - Yeah, why not. It'll be fun.
Fuck!
- For Lauren and Stu! - Cheers!
- Chow! - We had a sick night bitches!
Alan, what the fuck!
Is that person coming to the wedding?
- There is no wolfpack. - Alan, Alan, don't do that!
And finally...
The three best friends anyone could have.
Fuck the Police!
I know where to go.
- What do you think, Alan? - This is the place.
C'mon. Let's go.
I don't remember any of this!
- Yeah Alan, you sure this is the place? - Yeah, pretty sure.
Rose! Harmony!
Is he coming or what? I've been waiting all day for him.
- I'm sorry. Waiting for who? - Chow, that dick ass fuck!
- Why? What's wrong? - Nothings wrong.
Ok, good. Look at this. Look what I bring for him. Check it out, huh.
- No, no! - $ 6,000 American.
Wow looks so real!
Sorry!
- Alan, what the fuck! - It's ok. The gun, it's very sensitive.
Everybody ok?
Ok, then get the fuck back to work! Come on. Music, please!
Where is my 6,000 dollars?
6,000? No, no, no. This is Chow's deal. We got nothing to do with that.
Un-fucking believable.
This guy, if he backs out again, the shits gonna catch up with him.
He's made a lot of enemies in this town, and now they're gonna be your enemies.
That's not fair!
Ok listen. We're just looking for a little kid.
- 2,000 dollars. - What!
I don't know, maybe more. How young you want this kid to be?
No, no! Sorry, you misunderstood. We're looking for our friend... 16 years old.
- Teddy. - Teddy?
- Yeah he was here with you guys last night. - He was?
Do you know if he left with us?
I don't know. You were in the corner all night with Kimmy.
- I didn't see you leave. - Kimmy?
- Is she here? - Yes, she's in the back. She just came for her shit.
Go and talk to her.
Alright, listen. I'm sorry about everything that happened.
Listen to me, ok? Pay attention to what I'm going to talk to you know.
When you see Chow, you tell him Samir says "Hello".
Okay!
But do it like that, ok! "Hello" like threatening. Like, ironic.
- "Hellooo" - Okay!
Go away! Go away!
??
Of course I remember him. He was buying shots for everyone.
Nice kid! His parents must be so proud.
You have no idea.
Ok, so do you remember if he left with us?
Yeah, you were all leaving together, but you almost forgot this one right here.
Right, super star?
This one was following me around like a little puppy dog. All night.
Saying he'd fallen in love with me. Asked me to marry him.
Classic Stu!
- We didn't get married, did we? - Course not!
We just had some fun in the Chardonnay room.
- What happens in the Chardonnay room? - Let's just stay on task.
I danced for him. He tickled me. We had sex.
- Fuck! - It's ok. You're not married yet.
- No big deal. - It's cheating!
No offense to you. You're a lovely woman.
It's a violation of my moral code.
Don't be sad. Stu you loved it. You were crying, saying how special it was.
- Wait! I'm sorry. He was crying? - What a baby. He was crying.
You should have seen him. He was so sexy. The way he moved around.
I had to ask him to slow down so I didn't drop my load too quick.
- Load? What load? - Oh, you know... My sperms.
I think your English is off. You're talking about my sperm!
- Where would your sperm come from? - From my balls!
- Hold on! Back up! - Wait... Are you...
Hey. You're in Bangkok, sweetie.
- There's a reason they don't call it "Bang-cunt". - Oh!
- Oh god! - Wow.
I don't get it. Is this a magic show?
Come on, Stu, it was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.
How's that work?
Shoot my load into you. Shoot your load on the floor.
- Ok! - You ruined me. Ruined bottom.
Oh god!
- Stu! It's not the end of the world. - Sorry, but I'm so confused.
I made love to a man... with boobies.
Listen. I promise you no ones ever gonna find out about this.
But we found out about it.
And then we forget. That's what we do!
I do so much fucked up shit. And I just forget about it.
- Yeah? - Yeah! Just forget! It goes away!
That might be harder to go away, but in time it'll happen.
I certainly do. Just gonna forget about it.
- Never happened. - Great!
Phone! Phone! Who is it? Answer!
Lauren's dad. He just reminded me...
- Answer it! - I can't.
What! He might know something about Teddy. C'mon we still have a shot here.
Get your head back into the fucking game, Stu!
Hello?
Who takes an all day fishing trip the day before a wedding?
- Yeah, I guess that is kinda stupid. - Put Teddy on the phone.
- Teddy's seasick actually. - Seasick?
- Teddy's been a Maritime cadet since he was nine. - That's weird, cause he's puking everywhere.
I'm gonna tell you something that you do not know.
- I don't like you. - Yeah,I knew that already.
If my daughter chooses you, that's her problem.
This is ??. Hey it's Phil Winnick!
Listen, I apologize. We've been reelin in some crazy Marlin and I just wanna say...
Phil!
- Jesus! - Phil!
Fuck me!
- Give us back our monkey! - What monkey? Get your own monkey!
Come on, you asshole, the fucking monkey!
Come on!
Anytime, Alan. He's pointing a gun at us!
This is our monkey!
No one's getting shot over a fucking monkey!
Hand him over, now!
God, I've never given him no monkeys.
No, no ...
Hey Phil, check it out. He's got a banana on his helmet. He's the real deal.
What the fuck's happening?
Hold on! How did this happen? Do you know where our friend is?
- Yeah. Sixteen years old. Asian kid. - (says something in Russian?)
No, I don't understand what you said! No, I didn't understand!
What'd he say?
He said fuck you and your questions!
- Oh, my arm! - Philip, are you okay?
Oh I got shot! Fuck! Fuck this!
It's alright, Phil! It's alright!
We'll figure this out and get the monkey back, I promise.
Who gives a fuck about the monkey!
- What the fuck is going on? - Stu, am I gonna be ok? You're a doctor.
I don't know, let me look!
What?
Don't look at it!
Stuart Price! Get your ass back over here!
- You got shot! - I know!
- Whoa, you all right? - Yeah, I'm ok.
Actually, bullet just grazed my arm. Eight stitches.
Only cost six dollars. How is that even possible?
How's any of this even possible?
If I was a foot to my left, Stu, I'd be dead.
What are we gonna do?
I'm sorry guys. This wasn't part of the plan.
- What plan, Alan? - I've said too much already.
Alan! What plan?
- It's all Teddy's fault. - What are you talking about, Alan?
Why is he even here? He's not part of the wolf pack!
- Alan, what did you do? - It's not my fault!
Teddy shouldn't have been sharing from his bag.
- What bag? - The marshmallows.
I had a separate bag just for Teddy.
But it was dark and it was hard to keep track.
And then, you almost sat on em. I couldn't tell which was which.
- It was mayhem! - What did you do to the marshmallows, Alan?
Alan, what did you do?
Isn't it obvious?
I spiked them with muscle relaxers. And plus my ADHD medication.
- What? - You drugged us again?!
Not you! I just wanted to knock out Teddy for a little while so we could finally enjoy the weekend.
Enjoy the weekend? Alan, you told me that you didn't do anything!
Alan, you swore to god!
I just wanted things to stay the same.
Like at my face! You ruined my life!
You're not my friend!
Don't say that, Phil! You're serious? Even in America?
- Yes! - Oh God! Don't say that, Phil!
- Don't start crying, Alan! - You're the bearded devil!
You liked it! You smiled at me when I handed you the bag with marshmallows.
Because I like marshmallows, you fucking psycho!
Hey! Whoa! Hold on!
Enough!
- Why, Alan? Why? - Stu!
Because we're the three best friends, remember?
Remember?
Stu, that's enough...
Guys, we can't fall apart now. We gotta stick together.
- Alan, what's that written on your belly? - What? Huh?
Lebua Hotel, Saturday six pm.
- You write that? - No!
Shit, that's in 20 minutes.
What about England, Phil? Will we still be friends there?
Alan, I already told you. It was in the heat of the moment. We're still friends. All over the world.
- Even Great Britain? - Yeah.
What about you, Stu?
We'll see.
Gentlemen, follow me.
Here you go.
Well. About time! Sit down.
Come on, sit.
Wow, you guys look like shit.
- Uh, do we know you? - Hey!
Take off your fuckin hat. You're in a restaurant for christs sake. C'mon.
Ok, listen. We have no clue what's going on here.
You know, they sell a Plum whiskey here, it's fuckin unreal.
Seriously, it will absolutely fuck you up! Oh, I'm sorry. You guys already got fucked up, didn't you.
- Uh, listen, I'm a little confused. How did you... - You know what? I am a little fuckin confused!
Where's Chow? With the fuckin account code and the fuckin password!
We don't know anything about any codes. We're just trying to find our friend.
- Teddy? - Yes! Teddy! Have you seen?
Hmm, let's see...
There's Teddy!
Holy shit! It's from last night.
- Who are you? - I'm a businessman.
And I've invested a large chunk of capital in your friend Chow.
And in return, he was supposed to transfer my profits electronically.
About five fuckin minutes ago.
So last night, we took Teddy as insurance.
- Oh my god! Is he okay? - Oh my god, I wasn't done talking.
You tell Chow, that we are having breakfast on the roof of this hotel...
...tomorrow morning at eight am.
Or if he makes the transfer, you will get Teddy.
If not well then hey, you know... it's Bangkok.
That's your cue to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, you know what? Leave the hat.
Alan leave the hat.
Atta boy.
We're fucked! Chow's dead. What do we do now?
The guy doesn't give a shit about Chow, Stu. This whole things about a fucking bank account.
Let's just go back to the hotel. We'll search Chow's body.
Hopefully the password's in his wallet or something.
- And what if it isn't? - He's gonna kill Teddy.
Just relax. We have until 8am tomorrow to figure it out.
First the monkey and now my hat. How much worse can this day get.
Jesus christ!
Well we're livin here in Alan town. And he's drivin our lives into the ground.
When we woke up we were wasted and drunk.
Phil got shot. We got beaten by a monk.
I was happy, and my life was good.
Getting married like a dentist should.
Roasting marshmallows on a stick.
I got fucked in the ass... by a girl with a dick.
Oh yeah, remember that.
And we're livin in Alan town.
There's water everywhere.
Yeah it's cause it melted, Stu. The fuckin powers out.
With an inadequate electrical grid, serving millions of people
Bangkok experiences 1500 power outages per year.
Seriously, Alan. That's enough!
Out of the way!
We got it.
Oh my god!
Chow, calm down!
- You put the chill on me? - No, no!
It's okay.
Relax!
It's just us. Breathe!
It was so cold.
- We're gonna warm you up. - I was so cold!
- You did good, buddy. You did good. - I did good.
Feelin better?
- Alright, you warm enough? - I don't know.
Come feel my bowels and tell me.
I've been locked in a fuckin ice box all day!
Hey Alan, if you want my sunglasses...
...just ask Chow. You don't have to kill me.
Chow, nobody killed you. You were already dead. You didn't have a pulse.
Oh, you never do blow before?
Sometimes your heart stop... start up again.
- Read a book! - Look I'm sorry. We're having a bad day.
Oh, you're having a bad day! Did you die?
- I got shot! - But did you die?
Chow, some guy told us that you got a bank code or something...
...and if we don't bring it to him first think in the morning...
...he's gonna kill Teddy.
Who, Kingsley? He harmless. Don't worry. I got the bank codes.
Great! Alright, we gotta meet him at 8am. Who is that fuckin guy, anyway?
- An investor in my business. - Yeah, what business is that?
It's called "not your business" ok!
- Oh, where's the monkey? - The monkey...
Yeah I put the account number and password in his vest. Where is he?
- Why would you do that? - Safe keeping, pretty boy.
I got a lotta heat on my ass. I got FBI, Bangkok PD, Interpol, MSNBC...
That little monkey snorting coke with me all night...
Jerkin me off while I watched Stu make fuckin lady boy.
- He not going anywhere. - We don't have the monkey, Chow.
Oh, some Russian thugs took him from us.
Oh you fucking guys!
Okay. No problem. We just have to get him back.
- From where? - From the same place we took him from.
This monkey isn't just normal monkey.
Every night, monkey drug mule.
He take coke to buyer...
And deliver cash to dealer. He middle man.
Dealer never handle drug directly.
He clean.
- That's terrible. - Not terrible. What he talking about. Fucking genius.
You ever see monkey go to jail?
We just take the monkey for deal, he come close, we take his vest. That's that.
- We get some blow too, you know... bump. - No, no more bumps, Chow.
This is ridiculous.
Stu, Mr. Chow can't whistle. Shake your monkey.
Alright, here we go.
Come on!
How did we wind up with the monkey last night anyway?
I needed some blow and Alan thought he was cute...
...so we stole him!
So stupid!
Stu, ready to grab vest?
- Okay. I just grab it? - Yeah, just do it. Just do it.
- Hey, little monkey. - Alan, be quiet.
- Fuck! - We gotta go, right now!
- Pull that fuckin monkey in! - I'm trying!
Shit!
- Get that monkey in here, Stu! - He won't let go!
Stu, get back in the car! Right now!
I'm trying! Slow down!
He's so strong!
Let go you fuckin monkey!
- Look out! - Oh shit! Tight squeeze!
I got him!
- Where's the code, Chow? - Check his little vest.
- Got it, Alan? - Yes, I got a .
- Slow down Chow! - Hold on, J-Birds.
Holy Shit!
Don't worry. I got this shit!
Pig!
Oh, my word.
Sorry, Stu! My bad!
Oh, shit!
Get down!
What the fuck!
Oh no! He shot the monkey!
They shot the monkey.
I'm at my wits end.
He's coming back around.
Look out!
- Holy fuck! - Oh no...
- Everyone alright? - Yeah.
I have such an erection right now!
Are you for real?
They're gonna take good care of you here, ok.
What's that?
Oh, yeah. Cigarettes. Got em right here. Here you go.
Right here.
Deep breathe. Good.
Soak it in.
Breathe the smoke into your tiny little lungs. There you go.
It's funny. I've never been much of a smoker, but...
Boy does it look cool on you.
Alan, c'mon! Let's go!
I'll miss you, monkey.
I wish monkeys could Skype.
Maybe one day...
Come on! Get in!
Are you guys seriously this calm?
Relax, Stuart. It's classic switcheroo.
I give him money, he gives us Teddy.
You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a standoff, Chow?
I'm an international criminal. It always ends like this.
I met my wife at one of these things.
- You got a wife? - Yeah, we married 15 years.
What, I not good looking enough for woman?
No, that's cool.
Let's do this!
- Welcome to the Tower Club. - Blah blah blah, who cares.
Stop! Chow crossing.
- Hey, Kingsley! - Well, well.
Propecia looking nice!
You been hitting the gym?
Yes I am actually. Thank you for noticing, Chow.
Hey, guys. Have a seat.
- Where's Teddy? - He's waiting downstairs in my car.
Send him up when the transfer is complete.
Tell you what. Give me extra 50 grand, you keep Teddy.
And I throw in this other fat fuck for free.
- Chow.. Chow... - Could we move this along!
Alan, account number. Come on, come on.
8-1-4, K as in knife, 2-3-9-8.
- Password? - "baloney1"
Your password is "baloney1" ?
Well it used to be just "baloney" but now they make you add number.
Fuckin annoying.
- And it's that easy. - Ta dah!
Oh look. You sunk my battleship.
- Great, now can we please have Teddy? - Yeah. Bring him up.
See. We go to your wedding. We have fun. I bust a nut.
We did it, Stu. It's over!
This is Bangkok police! Everybody down!
Oh, nuts!
Kingsley, you're fucking Five-O?
Gotcha, Leslie!
Get him outta here.
Go! Just do it! Go!
How the fuck...
Samir, you fucked me over six grand? You camel jockey!
You spit on me?
Six grand this time, eight grand last time. It's not the money, man, it's the principle!
Principle? Nigga, please! We both dead inside.
Call me nigga... don't call me "nigga"!
- Put em in, motherfucker! - He's an asshole, man.
You guys ok?
- What the fucks going on? - Detective Inspector Peters, Interpol.
- You're a cop? - Yes.
This sting operation has been in place for weeks.
When Samir told us that your friend was lost...
We took advantage of that information. I'm sorry.
- So can Teddy come out of the car now? - No, Alan, Teddy's not in the fuckin car!
They don't have him. They never had him.
They just needed us to bring them Chow. They used Teddy as bait.
- Do you have any leads at all? - No. We've checked everywhere.
No one has seen him. I'm sorry.
If you haven't found him by now, I'm afraid Bangkok has him.
Why do people keep saying that?
Stu... It's time.
Alan...
-I'm sorry. - Don't say that. Please.
- No this time we really fucked up. - Oh god! How bad?
Like, no wedding bad?
Yeah... a little worse than that!
Ok, how about this? He fell off the fishing boat and drowned.
No.
Ok, I got it. Teddy was hit by a truck.
- Alan! - Not a good time, Phil. Kinda busy!
How many people get run over here?
- Over 1200 a year, Phil. - Perfect!
His body was too mangled to recover. Case closed.
Can I get more ice, please?
I'm not gonna lie to Lauren.
- Stu, do you want this or not? - Look at what I've done, Phil. What I do.
I have a weakness for prostitutes. All kinds, apparently.
- I have a demon in me! - So what?
Teddy's gone, but I can still save Lauren.
Just let her live her life without me.
Stu!
I want you to call Doug and tell him I'm never coming back.
Gettin off the hamster wheel.
Gonna stay here in Bangkok. I think I belong here.
Open up a little dentists office.
Deep cleanings, with a happy ending.
You sure about this?
Hey, what the crud!
Powers out, Alan.
- Phil! - Doug.
- I need answers, man. - I know...
Doug, who are you talking to?
- What? - Give me the phone!
Lauren, no! That's a private...
Who is this?
- Lauren? - Phil? Tell me what's going on, right now!
We lost your little brother.
- What? - Bangkok has him now.
You gotta take the stairs.
You're in Bangkok?
Ooh, that's a finger!
Put Stu on the phone!
Bangkok experiences 1500 power outages per year.
Stu really doesn't want to talk to anybody.
- Water everywhere. Powers out.
Come on, Stu, use that big Jewish brain
Phil! Give me the phone!
- It's Lauren! I got it! I'm handling it! - I know.!
- Give me the fuckin... - I can handle it, Stu!
She's gonna break your heart!
Honey, sweetheart, it's me! I'm so sorry!
Stu? What the hell is going on? What does he mean you lost Teddy?
What? Is that what Phil said? No no no. We misplaced, Teddy.
But we're all good now. We heading back to the hotel. We're gonna see you soon!
I love you so much! And I gotta go, but I'll see you soon. Bye.
Stu!
- Stu! - God!
Taxi!
Come on, Alan!
Hey, you mind filling us in!
Ok, now when we woke up, the power was out.
And you found Teddy's finger in what?
- In a pool of water. - But it didn't start out as water.
No, it was ice.
Exactly! Teddy got ice from the machine...
...came back to the room. Put his finger on ice and fell asleep.
Now what do you do if you wake up...
...and you find your finger floating in a bowl of melted ice?
I'd get more ice, Stu... on the 15th fuckin floor!
Yes! Teddy goes up, the power goes out...
- Holy shit! Of course! - He's at the ice machine.
Alan, no!
It's on ten!
- Sir, is the elevator stuck? - ??.
- C'mon! - Go, go, go!
Hey, Teddy!
Look out, look out!
- Teddy! - You're ok!
Teddy, you okay? You ok, man?
- Where am I? - You're in an elevator, in the middle of Bangkok.
But we're gonna get you outta here. It's gonna be fine.
Hey Stu, nice tattoo.
Thanks, man.
Alright, let's do this! C'mon, c'mon!
Tell him we found him. Yeah, I know. But we're on our way. Ok, bye!
Alright, guests are arriving, people starting to ask questions, but we can still pull this off!
- How? - I don't know, with a taxi?
- Chow's speed boat. - What?
Last think I remember, was getting off Chow's speed boat.
- Chow has a speed boat? - "The Perfect Life".
C'mon!
Stu, get that back line.
Good jump, Phil!
- You alright? - Yeah.
- You sure you know how to drive this thing?
Please, I was raised in a yacht club. I know what I'm doing.
You know where we're going?
Leave it to the Captain!
Oh fuck you, Alan!
Do you know where we're going, Captain?
Affirmative cadet! We're going south.
- We're in the Gulf of Thailand. - Good.
Hey! You okay?
- Feeling a little better. - Alright!
Listen Teddy. I'm really sorry! We didn't mean for any of this to happen.
It's funny. I can't remember anything But... when I woke up, I was kinda happy.
Yeah!
By the way... Do you have any idea where my finger is?
Yeah, we gave it to a drug dealing monkey.
Bangkok...
Yeah, right... fuckin Bangkok!
I apologize. There will be no wedding!
He is on his way. He will be here...
Please, if you will all move to the bar. We are going to clear this area.
Please!
I'm telling you, I spoke to him. He's coming.
Look! There they are!
Stu!
- Alan, there's no dock. - Just hang on!
- Alan, it's not funny! Turn the boat! - Hang on!
- Is that Alan driving the boat? - What?
Uh, we should probably move back a little bit.
Oh my god!
Turn the boat!
Everyone back up a little bit here.
Sir, it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
Hi! Hi everybody!
Came in a little hotter than we planned. I'm sorry we trenched the lawn here.
Totally fixable. A little bit of sod, it'll be fine.
- Baby! - Oh my god!
I'm so happy to see you!
- Teddy! Teddy here. - Hi, Dad!
- You alright? - Yeah, ok.
- Your hand! - I know.
We had an accident. I'm ok.
This is your fault!
- Dad. - He's right. I have not been completely honest.
- Stu? Don't do this. -Yeah?
Thanks, Phil, but gonna do it.
You said I'm a joke.Well I'm not.
I'm not some weird, milky, ricy, watery that you feed to infants and old people, ok!
Maybe I would be if you added some cayenne pepper!
I wish I was a boring dentist...
...who had a boring life and boring friends...
... but I don't and I'm not.
I'm actually part of this weird wolf pack.
It's not weird. It's pretty cool actually. No membership fees.
I've had enough of this. Come here.
Whoa! Here's the deal man.
- I got a dark side!
There's a demon in me!
It's true, he has semen in him.
I said demon.
- But you also have semen in you, remember? - Not relevant, but thank you, Alan.
The point is, this demon takes me to some pretty weird places.
We lost Teddy for two days in Bangkok.
But that same demon took us to hell and back to find him.
We took on Bangkok and we won.
Now that's pretty fuckin cool if you ask me!
I love your daughter, and I'm gonna marry her.
- Unless you have any problem with that? - I'm good.
But all that said, it would actually mean a great deal to both of us...
...if we could just get your mother fucking blessing!
Hey, Alan...
- That looks pretty cool shaved. - Thanks, Phil.
You should shave your head too.
- Why would I do that? - Well than we would look exactly alike.
- Take good care of my daughter, Stu. - I will.
I'm sorry we almost killed everyone with the boat.
Just happy you're here.
And don't worry about the tattoo. I'm gonna have it lasered as soon as we're home in LA.
- That's ok. I can get used to it. - Really?
But for now, let's switch sides?
- Yeah, ok. - Thank you.
Much better.
Dear family and friends. On behalf of Stu and Lauren...
...I welcome all of you, to this marriage celebration.
We are here today to...
Hey buddy. Can you hold on for a second.
Thank you.
Hello? Hi everyone!
My name's Alan Garner.
I want to thank the Asiatic people for allowing us in your land.
I wanted to say that, um, I'm really happy to be here...
...and I have a wedding gift to present to Lauren and Stu.
And um, a lot of thought has gone into this...
...and I hope that you appreciate it as much as I did, or going to.
Okay, guys!
Oh, fuck!
Alan!
What the fuck?
- So what do ya think? - That's insane! How did you do that?
My dad had to make a lot of calls.
I told Mike that you gotta do it. It's for my third best friend.
Alan, it's amazing! I love it! Thank you so much!
We only have him for tonight. We don't have him permanently.
Understood!
- You do a lot of public speaking, Alan? - I barely ??
Mike, you were great. It's true, that was incredible.
Thanks, guys. That means a lot, really!
By the way, you really need to remove that fuckin tattoo from your face!
Yeah! On it!
Sorry about the last minute change up to the performance, Mike.
- Don't worry, Alan. - What are you talking about?
Well he was originally supposed to sing "Burning Up" by the Jonas Brothers...
...but then I remembered you don't like indie rock.
Hey guys. You're not gonna believe this.
- Is that your phone? - Yeah.
How come you never tried calling us?
It's been dead for two days.
But I recharged it and found all these photos.
What?
- Shit! - Yeah, some of it's pretty messed up.
- Awesome, let's check em out. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No one needs to see this stuff!
C'mon man! I'm Mike Tyson. I've seen everything!
- It'll be fine. - (mumbles something)
- Alright, we look at it once. - And then we delete them. It's gonna be ok.
- Oh, ooh! - Mother fucker!
Subtitles enhanced by "Dr. Zia R Khan". Send your comments to: drziarkhan@gmail.com Case closed.
Can I have more ice, please?
I'm not gonna lie to Lauren.
Stu, do you want this or not?
Look at what I've done, Phil.
What I do.
I have a weakness for prostitutes.
All kinds, apparently.
I have a demon in me.
So what?
Teddy's gone, but I can still save Lauren. I'll just let her live her life without me.
Stu.
I want you to call Doug and tell him I'm never coming back.
I'm getting off the hamster wheel.
I'm gonna stay here in Bangkok.
I think I belong here.
Open up a little dentist office.
Teeth cleanings with a happy ending.
You sure about this?
Hey! What the crud?
Power's out, Alan.
- Doug.
I need answers, man.
- I know, um ... - Doug, who are you talking to?
- Give me the phone. - No, that's a private...
- Lauren?
Phil? Tell me what's going on right now.
PHIL: We lost your little brother.
LAUREN: What?
PHIL: Bangkok has him now.
PHIL: We gotta take the stairs.
You're in Bangkok?
STU: Ew! That's a finger!
Put Stu on the phone.
ALAN: "Bangkok experiences 1500 power outages per year."
PHIL: Stu really just doesn't wanna talk to anybody.
STU: Water. PHIL: Power's out.
CHOW: Come on, Stewie. Use that big Jewish brain.
PHIL: He's just not up for it ...
- Phil? Phil. Phil, give me the phone. PHIL: it's Lauren.
- I know. I need to talk to her. - I'm handling this. I'll handle this, Stu!
- You're gonna break her heart! - Hey, sweetheart, it's me.
I'm so sorry!
Stu? What the hell is going on? What does he mean, you lost Teddy?
STU: What? ls that what Phil said?
No, no, no. We misplaced Teddy.
But we're all good now. We're headed back to the resort. See you soon.
I love you so much.
And I gotta go, but I'll see you soon. Bye.
Stu!
- Stu...! ALAN: Ah!
Taxi! Taxi!
Come on! Come on, Alan! Come on!
PHIL: Hey, you mind filling us in? STU: Okay.
- Now, when we woke up, the power was out. - Yeah.
And you found Teddy's finger in what?
- In a bowl of water. - But it didn't start out as water.
- It was ice. - Exactly. Teddy got ice from the machine...
came back to the room, put his finger on ice, fell asleep.
What do you do if you wake up and your finger's in a bowl of melted ice?
I'd get more ice, Stu, on the 15th fucking floor!
Yes! Teddy goes up, the power goes out ...
Holy shit. Of course.
Of course, he's in the ice machine.
STU: Alan, no!
It's on 10!
Sir, is the elevator stuck?
- Come on. STU: Go. Go, go, go.
Ten! This is it! Teddy!
STU: Teddy! Teddy!
PHIL: Look out, look out.
- Oh, my God! Teddy! - He's okay! He's okay!
Hey, you okay?
You okay, man?
Where am I?
You're in an elevator in the middle of Bangkok.
But we're gonna get you out of here. It's gonna be fine.
TEDDY: Hey, Stu...
nice tattoo.
STU: Thanks, man. - All right, let's do this.
Come on. Come on, come on.
PHIL: Doug, we found him. Yeah!
I know, I know, but we're on our way. Okay, bye.
All right, guests are arriving, people are starting to ask questions...
but we can still pull this off.
- How? - I don't know. Like, a taxi?
- Chow's speedboat. - What?
Last thing I remember was getting off Chow's speedboat.
Chow has a speedboat?
The Perfect Life.
Come on.
Stu, get that back line.
ALAN: Good jump, Phil!
- You all right? ALAN: Yeah.
You sure you know how to drive this thing?
Please. I was raised in yacht clubs. I know what I'm doing.
You know where we're going?
Please address me as "captain."
Oh, fuck you, Alan.
Do you know where We're going, captain?
Affirmative, cadet. We're going south, through the Gulf of Thailand. Ha, ha.
Good.
Hey. You okay?
- Feeling a little better. - All right.
Listen, Teddy, I'm really sorry. We didn't mean for any of this to happen.
It's funny. I can't remember anything...
but when I woke up...
I was kind of happy.
Yeah!
By the way, you have any idea where my finger is?
Yeah, we gave it to a drug-dealing monkey.
Bangkok.
Yeah, right?
Fucking Bangkok.
He's on his way, I'm telling you. Dad's always doing this.
No, it's just ...
I apologize! There will be no wedding!
No, he is on his way. He will be here.
Please, if you will all move to the bar.
We are going to clear this area. Please.
LAUREN: Daddy, how can you do this?
I'm telling you, I spoke to him. He's coming.
LAUREN: You don't understand.
Look. There they are.
Stu!
Alan, there's no dock.
ALAN: Just hang on.
- Alan, it's not funny. Turn the boat. - Hang on.
Is that Alan driving the boat?
DOUG: What? Uh ...
We should probably move back a little bit. Come on.
PHIL: Alan, slow down! STU: Please!
Turn the boat! Turn the boat, Alan! Turn the fucking boat!
Everyone, back up a little bit here.
Sir, it's gonna get worse before it gets better. Come on, sir.
PHIL: Hold on! Hold on!
PHIL: Fuck!
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
We came in a little hotter than we planned.
And sorry we trenched the lawn here.
Totally fixable. A bit of sod, we'll be fine.
- Baby! - Oh, my God.
- Hi. - Ah, I'm so happy to see you.
FOHN: Teddy.
Teddy, here.
- Hi, Dad. - Oh, Teddy.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm okay.
No! Your hand!
I know. We had an accident. I'm okay.
- This is your fault. - No, Dad.
He's right. Mr. Srisai, Lauren.
- I haven't been completely honest with you. - Stu?
- Yeah? - Don't do this.
Thanks, Phil, but gonna do it.
You said I'm chok.
Well, I'm not.
I'm not some weird milky, ricey, watery goop...
that you feed to infants and old people, okay?
Maybe I would be if you added some cayenne pepper.
I wish I was a boring dentist who had a boring life and boring friends...
but I don't, I'm not.
I'm actually part of this weird wolf pack.
Hey, it's not weird. it's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee...
I have heard enough of this. You come here.
Whoa.
Here's the deal, man.
I got a dark side.
There's a demon in me.
It's true, he has semen in him.
I said "demon."
But you also have semen in you. Remember?
That's not relevant, but thank you, Alan.
Point is...
this demon takes me to some pretty weird places.
And we lost Teddy for two days in Bangkok.
But that same demon took us to hell and back to find him.
We took on Bangkok and we won.
And that's pretty fucking cool if you ask me. Right?
I love your daughter and I'm gonna marry her...
unless you have any problem with that.
- I'm good. - All right.
But all that said...
it would actually mean a great deal to both of us...
if we could just get your motherfucking blessing.
Hey, Alan.
Your head looks pretty cool shaved.
ALAN: Thanks, Phil.
You should shave your head too.
Why would I do that?
Well, that way, we would look exactly alike.
Take good care of my daughter, Stu.
- I will. - Thank you.
killed everyone with the boat.
Just happy you're here.
Don't worry about the tattoo. I'll have it lasered as soon as we're home in L.A.
It's okay. I can get used to it.
Really?
- But for now, let's switch sides? - Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Much better.
Dear family and friends...
on behalf of Stu and Lauren...
I welcome all of you for this marriage celebration.
We are here today to encourage, celebrate ...
[SINGING A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS' "I RAN"]
I walk along the avenue
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you
Meet a girl like you
And I ran Iran so far away
I couldn't get away
Thanks, buddy. Can you hold on for a second?
Thank you. Ahem.
Hello? Hi, everyone.
I'm, uh... My name's Alan Garner.
Um, I want to thank the Asiatic people for allowing us in your land.
I wanted to, um, say that, um, I'm really happy to be here...
and I have a wedding gift to present to Lauren and Stu.
Um, and a lot of thought have gone into this...
and I hope that you appreciate it as much I di... Are going to.
Okay. Guys.
[SINGING MURRAY HEAD'S "ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK"]
Bangkok, Oriental setting, and the city Don't know what the city is getting
Oh, fuck!
In a show with everything But Yul Brynner, ya know?
One night in Bangkok And the world's your oyster
The bars are temples But the pearls, they ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky, then the god's a she
Alan!
I can feel the devil walking next to me
What the fuck, man?
- So, what do you think? - It's insane! How did you do that?
My dad had to make a lot of calls, and then I told Mike, I said:
"You gotta do it. It's for my third best friend."
STU: Alan, it's amazing. I love it.
Thank you so much.
We only have him for the night. We don't own him permanently.
Understood.
One night in Bangkok Makes the hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
I can feel the devil walking next to me
PHIL: You do a lot of public speaking, Alan?
Mike, you were great.
STU: It's true, that was incredible.
Thanks, guys. Thank you. That means a lot. Really, it does.
By the way, you really need to remove that fucking tattoo from your face.
Yep. On it.
Sorry about the last-minute performance change.
- Don't worry. - What are you talking about?
Well, he was supposed to sing "Burning Up" by the Jonas Brothers...
but then I remembered you don't like indie rock.
Hey, guys. You're not gonna believe this.
- Is that your phone? - Yeah.
How come you never tried calling us?
It's been dead for two days.
But I recharged it and found all these photos.
- What? - Oh, shit.
Some of it's pretty messed up.
- Awesome. Let's check them out. STU: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one needs to see this stuff.
Come on, man. I'm Mike Tyson. I've seen everything.
- It'll be fine. - What...?
All right. But we look at it once...
And then we delete them. It's gonna be okay.
Motherfucker.
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