Hiya! You're always fucking late, you, aren't you?
- Sorry. - Oh, it's good to see you.
And you.
- Come in. - You look really good.
Get in! - Is Jamie through there?
Yeah, they're in the living room, they're all in there.
- Cathy, your oven's not working. - Don't worry about it, it'll be all right.
- All right?
All right?
- How you doing? - Yeah, good.
- I made a bet you'd be on time tonight. - Sorry.
- Hiya! - Hiya.
I had a late shift at work.
- Well, you're here now. Beer? - Yeah, cheers.
And something to get you started.
- All right, Russ? - All right, Johnny. How you doing?
This is Damien.
All right, mate?
- Get that down you, warm your cockles. - Cheers.
- There you go. - Thanks, buddy.
- Here we are!
There's no poppadoms, I'm sorry, we're out.
What have we got?
Here, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!
Have you got a plate, Johnny? Hold on.
- We haven't got enough plates. - We haven't got enough plates.
- This is doing my head in. - Take these off me.
- Get lost. - It's all right, we'll share.
- Cath, have you got another plate? - Another plate? Have we not got enough?
No.
You need one, as well. Get two.
You can eat from the packet, you'll be fine.
I'll just have a small one. - I'll have any one.
Actually, you should have the small one cos you were late.
All right, this stag do, right, I'm thinking, a few...
couple of beers, go out, you know, sambucas, all that...
- strip club. - Definitely.
No, you're not having a stripper.
- No, no, no, you're not invited. - You're not having a stripper!
You've got to have a stripper. It's traditional, isn't it?
- It is traditional. - Tradition.
It's not traditional, it's foul.
I'm not going to have a stripper. I don't see why you should.
It's not foul. Get a classy one. It's just natural - get a classy one!
Russ, you wouldn't like a stripper, would you?
- I don't know, I don't... - Yeah, he's all right with a stripper,
in't you, eh?
Right? So...
Russ starts a little fire, nice and cosy in the middle of the field,
and before you know it these fifth years come along
and they're just adding wood and adding wood,
there's a big line of people just adding wood. The fire is fucking massive.
- The flames are higher than this house.
Look, I'm not joking!
- And then we are... And then... - It's true.
...any minute, we're surrounded by police,
the whole perimeter of the entire field
with those million-power candle torches things.
- And an Astra burns on, full beam,
and we all scarper, you're fucking left there stoned out your mind!
You are coming on Sunday, aren't you?
You're joking?
I don't think I can handle it without you being there.
I can't wait, mate.
I've got Lois the sweetest little present.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
That's nice. Well, of course you have - that's why we made you the godfather.
- It's nice to see you, mate. - Yeah.
You've been keeping a low profile recently.
- Mmm. - Anything to tell?
Er...
Yeah, there's... there's a promotion at work.
- Ah, promotion. - Been doing a few extra shifts.
Come on, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in!
- All right? - All right, mate?
Here, give us that.
Eh? What do you reckon?
You look lovely.
You look lovely! - No, you look nice.
- I look like, er...
Kavana! - Kavana!
- QC? - You're always such a muppet!
Give us the thing. Where is it?
- Got a lighter? - Yeah.
I've gotta go, I'm knackered.
Oh, I'm having a really good night, let's keep it going.
Jamie, I've got to work in the morning, and I'm a bit stoned,
- but I'll see you on Sunday. - Yeah, all right, yeah.
It'll be fun. All right?
- Give my love to the little one. - Yeah, OK, mate.
- All right, mate, see ya. - Bye, mate.
- Morning. All right?
- How you feeling? - Pretty rough.
Gonna give me the coffee?
Thank you!
Ooh! Shit.
It's all right, don't worry about it.
What time do you start work?
Er, 10 o'clock.
- Got a bit of time, then. - Mmm.
Get back into bed.
- You were pretty wasted last night.
- Sorry. - Don't have to apologise.
Was I a dick?
I had to save you from the Hobbit.
Don't be nasty. He was all right.
- Bit camp.
Nice smile though.
Is that what you go for, a nice smile?
No.
Just little people.
What?
- Have I got morning breath? - No, quite the contrary.
- Have you brushed your teeth? - No.
- I can smell toothpaste. - So?
Now you've broken an unwritten rule, because now you smell all minty fresh
- and I smell of cock and bum!
So, did you like the club?
- Did you like the club?
Not really, no!
I hated it.
Right, you ready, then?
For what?
You can't get out of it now, you promised me,
- and I've come for my pound of flesh. - I thought you were joking.
Course not. Do you think I would have slept with you otherwise?
- Well, I'm not doing it. - Oh, yeah, you are!
What kind of stuff is it you want me to say?
Er, anything you like.
Just talk about last night, you know, what happened,
what you wanted to happen. It's up to you, really.
- Why? - Just because.
- It's for an art project? - Yeah.
And you're just gonna lie there and record me speaking.
Exactly.
And people are going to listen to it.
If you make the grade, yeah.
Oh, come on. Erm...
I... I don't know. I can hardly remember anything.
Just start from the beginning when you first saw me.
- I don't know, I just saw you. - Oh, come on, stop stalling. Just talk.
All right.
OK. Erm...
I saw you in the club
and I thought you were...
I thought you were out of my league or whatever.
- Erm, I liked your T-shirt a lot. - What league are you in?
I don't know. Erm...
third division?
I don't think you believe that for a moment.
Then you, erm...
followed me into the toilets and tried to eye me up at the urinal - hot.
Well, you left.
- And then I left. - Why?
There was someone else I wanted, but by the time I found him
he was with someone else, so...
So I was your second choice?
Why does that matter?
- This is a stupid fucking conversation.
Did you hear that?
Queer? - No.
Oh, look!
Queer! - Glen...
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- Glen. Please just close the fucking window. - Leave him alone!
Fuck off! - What did you say?
Fuck off! - I swear to God, if you don't quit,
I'm gonna come down there and fucking rape your holes, do you hear me?
- Ooh, it's cold out there. - Sorry, what... what was that?
That was fun.
They're gonna fucking chuck bricks through my windows.
You live 14 flights up.
"I'm going to rape your holes"?
Fucking hell.
Who says that? Who...
And, erm... Yeah, we came back here, didn't we, obviously.
And, er, I offered you a drink, I think,
although I can't really remember.
Erm...
And then you kissed me in the hallway, in my hallway.
- And I groped you. - Did you?
And you groped me.
And I was happy to feel you had a big dick
and it was throbbing in your trousers,
which was surprising because you were so drunk.
And then we went into the bedroom.
Can you remember what you wanted to happen?
Mmm, nope.
What about when I took your top off?
Nope.
I wanted to lick your pits.
I've got a thing about pits.
- Come on, lift up. - No.
- Let me have a see. - No.
Come on.
- No! - Why not?
- Cos it's weird. - It's not weird.
- Yes, it is, it's weird. - Let me have a look.
No.
You're pathetic.
Stingy bitch, open up.
All right.
I'll show you, OK? But don't touch my pits.
- God, what is this, a museum?
Open!
OK.
See? Very nice. Good amount of hair.
And then, er, you started to jack me off.
- No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.
- Nope. I didn't. - I thought you were too drunk to remember.
We were in the hallway and we were kissing,
and like you said, you took my shirt off.
Erm...
I remember that because I was really sweaty
and I was worried that I was going to be all smelly.
- You were fine. - Good. Thank you.
- Then what? - Erm...
OK, then you started kissing my ears and then you kissed my neck
and then you kissed my...
then you kissed my hand, which was...
Yeah.
Did you wish my cock was bigger?
No.
Have you had many cut cocks?
Why do you ask that?
I couldn't work out if you were...
pretending to be the type of boy who didn't suck many cocks
or you... you actually were that type of boy.
And this is what you were thinking about, is it, when we were having sex?
What about when I was playing with your arsehole?
- Why do you ask these things? - Too hard, too soft?
It was fine.
Erm...
- It was too hard, maybe. - So why didn't you say anything?
And you didn't want me to fuck you.
No, I didn't.
Why?
- Just because. - You're not into the...
It's not that, it's just...
Would it have made you feel too gay?
In fact, are you actually out?
- Yes. - Are you sure about that?
I just thought that we were having a really nice time
and it was lovely, it was more than enough for me,
so, erm, sorry, Glen, if I don't make your grade.
- How do you save it? - Er...
You've done it, that's fine.
So, then.
Did you have a good time last night?
Last night was sweet, yeah.
Well, it was a delight to meet you. And you really do have a lovely home.
Thank you.
See you soon.
Queer!
Fuck it.
Ain't looking like a big boy now though, cos that bitch ain't even clean downstairs,
I don't want to tell you the destruction that was going on down there.
- Really? - - It weren't clean!
Anyhow, I'm thinking, "What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?"
I'm like, "All right, I'm not gonna get hard, fuck it, I'll use the finger."
Turn the lights off, and start thinking of something nice while I finger her,
get fucking squelching it down, I might be able to get hard later.
Got two fingers, like the scissor thing,
three fingers, four fingers,
got my fucking whole hand in like that.
Fucking jab her and that. Aargh, get in there, you bastard!
- Anyway, I didn't fucking shag her. - I was gonna say, what the fuck, like?
Fuckin' hell, he's on his phone, isn't he?
Who are you fucking talking to? You get lucky as well, did you, son?
- No, no. - No? Ah, he's a fucking shy one, isn't he?
Don't worry, it weren't Becky.
It weren't Becky. You can fucking have her, mate.
Bring your rubber gloves next time and we'll fucking go twos up, eh?
- Do the David Seaman on her. - Shut up!
Afternoon.
There you go, you might need it.
- Cheers. - That's all right.
Chin-chin.
What a beauty.
Thank you.
I got it in a charity shop for, like, 3 quid, it was a bargain.
So, do you enjoy your job?
Yeah, it's all right.
There's nothing wrong with being a lifeguard, you know.
I didn't say there was.
I'm just saying.
I was in the swimming team with one of my schools, so...
- You ever save anyone's life? - Yeah.
Really?
- Yeah.
What's funny about that? I've saved loads of people's lives.
Old people mainly, but I've been a lifeguard for years, so it's...
Someone drowned once.
- I was off duty though, so... - Oh, shame.
Yeah, I know.
Fuck me!
You all right?
You need to stop smoking, mate.
It's all right, I'll get you a free day pass.
This is a nice place you've brought me to.
So what do you do now? I can't really remember, sorry.
- I work in the gallery in town. - That's right, I remember.
Have you ever been?
No. That's the ugly one, right?
- Do you like art? - Yeah.
It doesn't matter if you don't.
No, I like art. Just because I haven't been to a gallery doesn't mean I don't.
Have you travelled much?
No, not really.
- Have you ever been to America? - No, I'd like to though.
Listen, want a backie?
No.
You can't be... No, I can't.
- Come on, put your leg over. - Fuck's sake!
I look like a twat!
- Oh, Jesus. Ah, fuck!
You on? OK, put your arms around my waist.
Come on, there we go. Do you feel safe?
- No! - Good.
- You ready? - This is a bad idea!
- It's a brilliant idea.
- Whoo-ooo!
Scream if you want to go faster!
I like all your stuff.
Thanks.
Looks like you raided a charity shop.
Yeah.
I hate new stuff, you know?
- What are you writing? - Nothing.
Like this mug, for example.
This was probably owned by some lovely little old lady with a moustache.
Mmm.
And she bought it and it was her favourite thing in the whole wide world,
and then she died, gave it to her grandchildren,
they hated it, sold it,
then bought an Xbox or a Wii
- or some flat-pack wardrobe from Ikea. - Mmm.
And now I've got it, and I like it.
- It's a very costly mug. - What do you mean?
To be able to buy a Wii...
or an Xbox.
I don't even know how much those things are.
Do you want milk, sugar?
Yeah, one of those.
OK.
Just got to wait for the kettle to boil.
Are you hungry?
No.
I've got some nice pitta bread.
I'm fine.
Well, I'm starving, so I'm going to have to eat.
OK.
I've been thinking about this morning and your tape thing.
Mm-hm.
- It's for an art project, yeah? - Yeah.
So is that what you want to be, you want to be an artist?
Kind of.
So, and you really don't have to tell me,
how is your tape art project
just going to be an art project and not people talking dirty?
You think talking about sex is dirty?
You know what I mean.
It's just I'm not sure if...
...people want to hear about the random sex life of strangers.
You just don't want people hearing about your sex life.
That's true.
Imagine if everybody was just open
about what they did and that everything was normal.
- Yeah, but people are open, aren't they? - Are they?
There was this guy in work today,
I'm just sat there having my lunch,
and he starts talking about how many fingers he can put up a girl's fanny.
But was he gay?
- No. - Well, there you go, then.
You like a lot of condiments, don't you?
I love my condiments.
Gay people never talk about it in public
unless it's just cheap innuendo.
I think it's cos they're ashamed.
Maybe it's just they're a little bit embarrassed.
Isn't that the same thing?
It smells of spunk.
Anyway, that tape thing isn't really about sex at all.
Really?
But I know what artists sound like when they talk about their work,
so I'm not going to sit and sound like a cunt.
Well, it's a good job you're not an artist yet, then, isn't it?
Ooh, very funny!
Come on, tell me. I'm interested.
All right.
Well, you know what it's like when you first sleep with someone you don't know?
Yeah.
It's... You, like, become this blank canvas
and it gives you an opportunity to project onto that canvas who you want to be.
And that's what's interesting, because everybody does it.
- So, do you think that I did it? - Course you did.
Well, what happens is,
while you're projecting who you want to be,
this gap opens up between who you want to be
and who you really are,
and in that gap, it shows you
what's stopping you becoming who you want to be.
And all of this from talking about sex?
All of that from talking about sex.
Interesting.
I like it.
I'm not sure that I totally understand what you're saying, but...
Yeah, all this sounds better in my head, I don't think I've explained...
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm interested. I'm really interested.
So what are you gonna do?
- Are you just gonna play the recordings out loud... - I don't know, I don't know.
The problem is that no one's gonna come and see it, because it's about gay sex.
So the gays will only come because they want a glimpse of a cock and they'll be...
And the straights won't come because, well, it's got nothing to do with their world.
They'll go and see pictures of refugees or murder or rape,
but gay sex? Fuck off.
Fuck it.
Doesn't matter, does it?
I'd come.
- No, you wouldn't. - Yeah, I would.
OK, maybe I...
Maybe I wouldn't come.
Make sure you put your thumb over the hole.
- Do you want me to light it for you? - Yeah.
Tuck in.
Here, do it again.
That's it.
Are you out to your parents?
You don't look like the kind of boy who would be.
Well...
- Well what? - It's complicated.
It's not complicated, you just have to do it.
I came out to mine on Mother's Day.
- How old were you? - Sixteen.
- Did they freak out? - No.
I told them nature or nurture, it's your fault, so get over it.
Good answer.
- I would, but... - But what?
I don't really know my parents.
Actually, I don't know who they are at all.
That's interesting.
It's fine.
So what happened?
Well, erm...
I moved around in foster homes until I was about 16.
Mm-hm. Fuck.
I met my best mate there, Jamie, when we were 12.
Er, yeah, it was nice, we just went around as a pair.
Fucking hell. What was it like?
What?
Being in care.
It was fine. I mean, I wasn't abused or anything.
Shame. You should have got a refund.
- So, does... does he know about you? - Who?
- Jamie. - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm like his brother, really.
Everyone knows about me in my friends.
The close ones anyway.
What?
Is it really wrong that I'm finding the whole... orphan thing pretty sexy?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
Sorry, I think it's the weed!
Are you serious... Are you laughing at my childhood tragedy?
I just got an image of you as Oliver with Mr Bumble!
Oh, fucking hell.
- I'm a bad person. - Yeah, you are.
- I'm a terrible cunt. - You're a terrible cunt.
So, do you live with Gill all the time?
Er, yeah, she's my flatmate.
She's all right, she keeps out the way.
- I quite liked her. - Yeah, she's a good girl.
Well, thank you for this afternoon.
Er, thank you.
Erm, so I'll give you a call later.
- OK. - OK.
I will.
Bye.
- All right? - Hello again. Look...
there's something I didn't tell you.
Have you got a boyfriend?
No, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't do boyfriends. Erm...
I'm going away tomorrow.
- Cool, where are you going? - Portland. It's in Oregon.
Very nice. How long are you going for?
About two years, I think, maybe more.
Oh, I thought you meant, like, for a holiday or something.
No, I'm doing a course. Erm...
"Contemporary Perspectives of Modern Art in the 21st Century."
So you're doing an art course.
- Glen, that's... that's really great. - I should have said something.
No.
It's fine. It's... It's great.
Honestly, you... you didn't have to tell me.
Honestly - an art course.
You... You get to be a proper cunt now.
I've told you now, so I'm gonna go.
Hey, erm, what are you doing tonight? Cos I'm having some drinks with some friends
and it would be pretty cool if you came along,
but it's up to you, cos I don't wanna kind of put pressure on you or anything,
so I'll send you a text or something
and then you can come or not come
and it's up to you, it doesn't matter either way, OK?
All right, all right, all right.
- All right? All right?
- How you doing? - Yeah, not too bad, yeah. You all right?
Look, Cathy's gone up town with Lois - do you want to come round?
- Are you up to anything? - Has she? Erm...
I might have plans later, actually.
Oh. All right. Well...
Erm, going out, party, I think.
- OK, what, like a work thing? - No.
Er, no, I've actually... I met somebody. Someone I met.
- Oh, right, oh, nice one! - Yeah.
When did you meet them?
Er, I met him last night at Propaganda. It's a gay bar.
You said you were going home when you left.
Mmm, yeah, sorry, mate.
I was going home, but I was just on the bus and I was thinking,
so I just... I changed my mind, so, sorry.
No, that's all right. What's his name, then?
- Glen. - Glen?
Well, look, why don't you bring him tomorrow?
No. No way.
Go on, it'll be fine!
- No. - What's the problem?
- OK. - Well, it's up to you, whatever.
- Listen, he's going away anyway, so... - Oh, right, I see.
I've got to go, Jamie, so I'll catch you in a bit.
- I'll see you tomorrow, yeah? - Yeah, all right. You'd better be there.
All right, mate. Bye, bye, bye.
He's had a girlfriend too, for like...
He's been going out with her for two months and he hasn't even fingered her.
- Definitely looks gay. - Have you seen his walk?
- And his voice too. - Oh, yeah, his voice.
He probably does straightening, like. Conditions his hair every morning.
He gets up at half-seven so his mum can do his hair.
- Have you seen his Facebook statuses? - No.
There's about 40 a day.
All right? What can I get you? - All right, mate. Do you do bitter?
- Yeah. - Can I get two pints of bitter?
- I got you a drink.
- I don't like beer. - Do you not?
Afraid not.
Sorry.
Why this place, Glen?
It's a bit more fun, isn't it, than your normal, erm... normal gay bar?
I'm surprised you came.
Really?
- Little bit. - Well, I'm here now.
- Good. - Cheers.
Hi!
We've got a new member of the group, let's not make a fuss about it.
This is Russell, everybody. This is Cock 1, Cock 2, Cock 3,
Dolly Parton, Cock 4, Lorna,
you know Gill already. - And this is all...
- I'm Russell, nice to meet you.
I went on the bed with a hard-on
and I heard all this clanging and things coming out of bags
and zips and poppers and things, and I... he was there for ages...
Hey!
Well done. Here we go!
One, two, three, four, five... Go!
Anyway, so I was lying on the bed waiting for him,
and after about 10 minutes of this,
it was like, I was starting to lose my hard-on because it was getting boring,
and then he walked in and he was fully done up in leather, like boots and things
and chaps and everything,
and he was much older than his picture said,
and he walked in and I was like, "Oh, fuck!".
And he just put his boot on my bed and he went, "Lick my fucking boots!".
And I went like, "Er, I don't think so, I think I'll pass actually."
And he was like, "Lick my fucking boots!".
Sorry, guys, can I squeeze past?
All right, how are you?
I'd leave him to it, if I were you.
What's he doing?
Well, he's just started phase one of the attack.
The whole straight narrative is there for you to inherit, it's just there.
There to shape your foundations, to set you up...
boy meets girl, they fall in love, they go skipping through the meadows
and that's how your life is set. Everything is there.
All the books, all the films, all the TV shows,
everything is just inherited, given to you.
I think he does like you though. I mean, he wouldn't let me listen to the tape,
and he always lets me listen to the tapes, so...
you must have made some kind of impression.
I'm quite glad he didn't let you have a listen to the tape, to be honest with you.
Yet!
He didn't let me listen to it yet - there's still time!
What, is it dirty? Is it?
- No, no! - Proper sordid?
No.
Oh, boring. Them ones are the best.
- I took umbrage with the loud noise. - You didn't take...
- You make a loud... You made a loud noise. - You didn't make umbrage with the loud noise.
You made umbrage with the fact that you've got a load of gay people in a straight bar.
That's what you've got your problem with. Admit it, just admit it.
- No... - Absolutely admit it.
The thing is, Glen likes to be a big fish, not a little tiddler.
I mean, to be honest, I think he's gonna bottle it.
- Can you keep a secret? - Yeah.
Some of us have got a little bet.
That's not very supportive.
Supportive? No.
No, I just understand him, that's all.
He does this. I mean like, once,
he signed up to teach in Africa.
I think it was Africa.
It was just when he split up with John. Has he told you about John?
No, no, he hasn't told me about John. To be honest with you, I don't really think...
That was way back when he did boyfriends.
The sexuality... The sexuality of the loud noise was not an issue with me,
- it was the fact that the noise was loud. - The sexuality of the loud noise?
It was the fact that the noise was loud.
Oh, right, so it's just merely a matter of decibels.
He used to cheat on him a lot, John did, and Glen was like, "It doesn't matter,"
but it would matter to me, and then at the end of the relationship,
he was in the park, cruising, and he got beaten up.
What, Glen did?
No, no, not Glen. John.
Volume is the issue. That's it. - The volume.
Just ruining your night. We're just here ruining your night, is that the problem?
Look at us holding hands! Look!
What?
Nothing.
- You look like you want to kiss me. - I do.
Go on, then.
No, not here. I can't... I can't here.
Oh!
Ah, thank you.
Do you want to get the fuck out of here?
What do you mean?
Do you want to get the fuck out of here?
Don't you think your mates are going to be a little bit pissed off?
- Why? - Well...
I mean, we just marched out of there.
You practically pushed me out of the door, I didn't even say goodbye to anybody,
- you didn't say goodbye to anybody. - Yeah, I don't do goodbyes.
I actually had quite good fun in there. It was all right.
I liked your friends. It was quite nice being around gay people.
- Oh, don't do it. - Don't do what?
- I know what you're gonna say. - What?
You're gonna say, "Oh, it's nice being around people of my own kind, my own people",
"they think the same as me, we talk about all the same things,
"we've got the same things in common." But it's just not like that, you know?
This is David Lane. - Essentially they're all just idiots.
- This tram is for Phoenix Park. - Except they dance a lot more.
The next stop is Highbury Vale.
So what do you think of Gill?
- Yeah, she was nice.
You're such a fucking liar.
Ah, it's nothing.
I wouldn't want anybody...
- talking badly about my mates. - What is it?
- Honestly, it's nothing. - Fucking spit it out.
I don't know, Glen. I just...
She's not very supportive, you know, or understanding about...
And this is only from what I've spoken to her about, but I didn't...
She just wasn't very supportive and that's what you want, isn't it,
you want your mates to be understanding and to support your ideas and...
- I don't know. - What the fuck did she say?
She didn't say anything, she didn't say anything.
It was just... It was just an impression I got.
Anyway, it's none of my business to start talking about that kind of stuff, is it?
I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, to be honest.
- No, you don't mean that. - I do.
Maybe I don't.
Just my friends - sometimes they're like...
a noose around my neck, do you know what I mean?
No. I've got to be honest with you, I don't really know what you mean.
It's like when you've had the same friends for too long, they become like...
everything becomes cemented.
- What, and that's a bad thing, is it? - Of course it's a bad thing.
I don't want to be in fucking concrete, thank you very much.
It's like they won't let you... they won't let you be any version of yourself
except an old version, or the version that they want you to be.
- I hope that's not true. - You know it's true.
Who wants to know they're in the shit?
If they see you trying to crawl out, they're very happy to drag you back in.
Oh, and that's what you're trying to do, is it?
You're trying to drag yourself out of the shit!
I'm trying to...
redraw myself.
- Of course. You being the artist that you are. - Exactly, exactly.
But everyone keeps fucking hiding my pencil.
Hiya, can we get two cars, please?
- Have you got three quid? - Yep.
There we go.
- I'm gonna kill you. - Oh-ho-ho, are you sure about that?
There you go.
Thank you.
Scream if you wanna go faster!
Fuck you!
Remember, this was pre-internet so, you know, it was, like,
there wasn't any "straight boy goes gay for pay" websites
or stick-a-monster-cock- up-your-arse-and-ear. Com.
But my mum had this VHS of A Room With A View.
- Have you seen it? - Yeah. I think I have.
Is that the one with all the poshies
- in all the houses and stuff? - Yeah.
Well, they've got that, but also they've got this scene where all the boys go running
- naked round the lake. - Oh, I see.
And I'd frozen the video just on the moment when you could see Rupert Graves' cock
and you know what it's like when you pause video, it's shuddering.
Yeah.
And I was tanking away and there it was,
and I spaffed up a huge spiderweb of juvenile semen...
...just as my mate walked in.
Oh, my God!
And he looked at me and he looked at the TV screen
and he saw Rupert Graves' shuddering cock and he knew.
- What did he say? - He called me a faggot, he called me a queer.
But the weird thing was, in that moment, I could see myself through his eyes, you know?
I could see what I looked like. And you know what?
- You didn't care? - I didn't care. Exactly.
I thought, if he wants to see me as some horny little faggotty, angry child,
then that's fine with me, doesn't make any difference.
- Are you still friends with him? - Nah.
I wasn't friends with anyone else after he told the rest of the school.
That's awful, Glen.
It is what it is.
- Shall we have another little cheeky one? - Yeah.
- Oh, Glen, Glen, Glen! - Whoo! I'm just breaking some ice!
- You haven't met my neighbours, they're nuts. - I'm breaking the ice with your neighbours.
- Frankie upstairs will be going nuts, dying.
There's something I didn't tell you today.
Do you have a boyfriend?
- Yeah, that's exactly it. I've got a boyfriend. - Oh, fuck me!
No.
- No, you know your tape thing? - Yeah.
I've got something kind of similar.
Really? What do you mean?
Well, obviously mine's private and not public like yours.
- Why am I telling you this? - Well, then why do you do it?
I don't know, just do.
He was good-looking and normal, which was nice.
- He's not too camp.
On the third date he told me that when he came out to his parents,
they refused to ever talk about it.
He said he didn't care but it was obvious he did.
Then to stop us talking about it, he sang me a song.
Fucking hell!
Dickhead!
I was mortified, and I wanted Jamie to be there listening to it
because I'm sure he would have found it funny.
And I knew that I could never see him again, but I stayed that night anyway...
- Aww... because I didn't want him to feel bad.
Samaritan.
Did you tell Jamie about it?
- Shut up! - And you send it to the back of my throat.
Ready? Come on.
- It's quite sexy. - OK.
Beautiful. Good start.
Do you want to have a go?
Let's make it happen, come on.
One, two, three.
Isn't that amazing?
I followed him around the sauna for a while,
and I was so nervous that I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get an erection.
We went into the cabin but he wouldn't kiss me.
All he wanted to do was suck me off and get me to come in his mouth,
which I did, but he wouldn't let me touch him or anything, and then he left.
And I saw him later as I was getting changed and he ignored me.
And it was then that I noticed he had a wedding ring on.
I felt bad and weird - bad for me but also for his wife...
and I wondered if when he got home and he kissed her
she could smell me on him, and I wondered if the
kids were waiting for him in their bedrooms,
wanting to say good night to their dad, but...
he was late because he was sucking me off in the sauna.
So.
What?
I met this guy who was nice.
I've called him Paul Smith,
but that wasn't his name because I can't remember his name,
but it was the aftershave he was wearing.
He had a really nice flat near the cemetery
and I think he worked in design.
He told me his parents were fine about him being gay, which must have been good,
and he had photos of them on his wall.
He asked if he could fuck me, I told him I'd never done it before
and that he needed to be careful.
I can remember being paranoid about the condom coming off
and me getting AIDS and everybody would think I was scum.
He wouldn't give me his number because he said he had a boyfriend.
On the bus I felt so ashamed and shitty.
When I got back I puked up and spent the rest of the day in bed
thinking about all kinds of stuff.
Have I freaked you out?
No, it's just enough now.
I have, haven't I? I've freaked you out, I've freaked you out. Do you think I'm a freak?
You are a freak, but that's all right.
What did this guy look like?
Why?
Just because.
I don't know, he had blond hair.
Did he look kind of Swedish?
- I suppose.
He'd have fucking loved this.
Who?
His name was John though, not Paul.
Who's John?
You're a terrible liar for a faggot.
I knew Gill couldn't keep her mouth shut.
I didn't ask her anything. She...
Fuck it.
It doesn't matter.
Look, straight people like us as long as
we conform, we behave by their little rules.
Imagine your friends, if you suddenly started
getting all really political about being a fag
or you got suddenly like camp and swishy or talked about rimming all the time.
Yeah, but that's not what I'm like, is it? That's not who I am.
Well, trust me they like it, as long as we don't shove it down their throats.
OK, well, why should I just shove it down their throats?
Because they shove it down our throats all the time, being straight...
straight story lines on television, everywhere,
in books, on billboards, magazines, everywhere.
- But, oh, the gays, the gays... - We mustn't upset the straights!
Shh, watch out, the straights are coming.
Let's not upset them, let's hide in our little ghettos,
let's not hold hands, let's not kiss in the street, no.
We have the chance to make up our own shit,
we can grow our own garden and put little flowers and pansies
and gay gnomes in it and water features and water sports and slings,
but no, everybody wants to concrete the fucker over and get a gas barbecue.
You're obsessed with concrete. You're absolutely obsessed with the stuff.
But why would you want concrete when you can have whatever you want?
I'm not saying people shouldn't forge relationships,
all I'm saying is that we don't need someone to sanction it,
- to make it legitimate, to make us respectable. - Yeah, heaven forbid.
And don't tell me that people get married because of love.
People get married for the same reason that they buy a house or buy a dog,
to tie them down so that they go, "Oh, no, we couldn't possibly go away this weekend."
"Who'd look after Buster? Couldn't possibly leave Buster alone."
- Glen, maybe sometimes people just like dogs. - And it's not even proper marriage anyway.
In America they went out on the streets and fought for equal rights,
and over here people are too busy on fucking Grindr
or shaving their arses to be able to do anything. Where's their fight?
It's a fight, isn't it, for something that you don't believe in.
- That's not the point. - Well, it is, it is, kind of.
A man standing up with another man,
in front of everyone saying that, "I love you and I want to get married,"
I think that's a pretty fucking radical statement.
I mean, standing up and saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you,"
when everybody's looking at them, saying...
that it's wrong, it's disgusting, it's sick.
I mean, people say that we should go to hell for this - fucking go to fucking hell,
I mean, why do people fucking say that, do you know what I mean?
So, actually, standing up and saying, "You know what, I love you,"
"and fuck you and fuck you, I don't give a fuck what you fucking think, I don't care."
- That is pretty fucking amazing. - But why do people have to feed into the system?
Oh, my God, now you sound like a fucking teenager, Glen.
I mean, earlier, you asked me
if I thought that people got married because they love each other.
- Yeah? - Right, OK,
well, maybe they do, maybe they do.
And, yeah, maybe... fucking maybe it is stupid,
and maybe they will get divorced and all that kind of shit,
but fucking who cares?
Why does it bother you so much, Glen?
Why does it bother you that maybe two people fucking love each other
and they want to get married and they want a relationship
and they just want to be happy?
Do you want another line?
Why do you think it's gonna be so different in America?
Because it will be.
- Have you ever been properly alone? - Of course I have.
I mean properly. Alone.
Sat in a hotel room in Portland all by yourself, no friends, alone.
- Yes. - I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
In a week you're gonna go completely mental.
Of course you are, because you're gonna have no friends,
and you're gonna compromise because that is what people do, they compromise,
because nobody, fucking... fucking nobody,
nobody can deal with being by themselves.
I don't want to compromise.
There you go again.
You're condescending me, it's like you're always fucking attacking me!
- I'm not attacking you. - You fucking are!
I mean, it's like you want everybody to think independently,
but you want everyone to fucking agree with you.
I mean...
why can't you just understand that some people just want to be happy?
Are you happy?
I'm fine.
You know what, yeah, things could be fucking better.
Easier.
But I am absolutely fine.
Sure you are.
- Don't you fucking dare.
- Don't you fucking dare presume... - Calm down.
...that you understand me. You think just because I can't...
You think just because I can't walk around the fucking streets
holding hands or talking to my mates about fucking sucking cocks, that you know me.
- No, I don't. - I can see it in your eyes, Glen,
I can see it, that you think...
...you think I'm a fucking idiot because I want a fucking relationship.
- Did I say that? - But the thing is, Glen...
the thing is, Glen, I think that you want one too.
I think you would make an amazing boyfriend.
That's not what I'm f... That's not what I'm saying.
- I don't... - It's not about me. Fuck me.
I don't want one.
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
John has fucked you up, because...
Let's stop this now before we go somewhere that we don't want it to go.
...because he's cheated on you... - You don't know nothing about me and John.
You don't know nothing about how I feel, about whether he cheated on me or not.
And, for the record, I don't give a shit that he cheated on me.
I give a shit that he was a fucking liar and a faggot
and he couldn't stand up for himself.
Couldn't stand up for... Glen, he was beaten up in a fucking park...
- Look, look, look. ...because he was gay!
Maybe if it's easier if I tell you that I'm brokenhearted, but I'm not.
I don't want...
I can't have a boyfriend right now.
And that's all there is to say about it.
Now, I really don't want us to fall out about this.
Really, I don't.
I need to go to the toilet.
I think I need to go to the toilet.
Oh, fuck.
♪ Before that Honeybear had given up
♪ He felt so sad and lonely
♪ Then one night he looked up and he saw
♪ He saw his one and only...
I thought I heard a firework.
It's probably just some kids.
Probably.
I'm really sorry, just...
I was a dick. Sorry.
It's all right.
Probably too much coke.
Yeah.
Blame it on the drugs, I always say.
Talking of drugs,
this is my secret reserve of master kush.
Would you like some?
Thank you.
Swap?
Thank you.
I think... Stop. I'm gonna come.
Shhh.
You know, when I'm... when I'm at home I'm absolutely fine.
Fine?
Yeah.
Completely.
I don't...
I don't care and I don't even think about it.
I just...
I'm not embarrassed, I'm not...
I'm not ashamed, and I don't...
I don't want to be straight.
You know, not now anyway.
I'm happy. I'm happy being gay.
But?
It's when I go outside,
like, you know, just to Jamie's or...
or to Tesco's or to work. It...
It kind of... It's hard to explain,
but it...
...it kind of feels like I've got indigestion.
It actually feels exactly like indigestion.
And...
it just makes me angry,
you know, that I feel like that because...
because it's so fucking pathetic.
You know, I'm a grown man, and I look at you, and...
and I see you and you can do it and you're amazing.
I just don't understand why I can't.
You know your log thing?
Yeah.
You're right about people coming out
and what their parents say and stuff.
Yeah?
I just wondered why.
Erm...
it interests me.
It's like, erm...
everyone's got their story, haven't they, it's like a...
gay rite of passage.
But you don't.
I suppose, yeah.
That's what I thought.
Do you ever think about finding your parents?
No. Not really.
Why not?
Er...
I don't really see the point.
You know, I don't think it would change anything.
Why don't I...
pretend to be your dad...
...and you can come out to me?
That is so weird.
Just ignore the fact we just had sex.
I don't think I can ignore the fact we just had sex.
Try.
OK.
Dad?
I've got something that I need to tell you.
What's that?
I'm gay.
Hmm.
I like guys, not girls.
Well.
You know what, son?
It doesn't matter to me.
I love you just the same.
And guess what?
What?
I couldn't be more proud of you
than if you were the first man on the moon.
Good morning.
- I made you coffee. - Thanks.
So what you doing today?
Erm...
I've got to go over to Jamie's house, erm...
there's a party, it's my goddaughter's birthday, so...
- You're a godfather? - Yeah.
You're not religious, are you?
No. They just asked me.
That's very nice, thank you.
Erm... What time's your train today?
Why?
No reason.
Are you going to come and sing to me, or beg me to stay?
No, I don't think so, no.
It's about... 4:30, I don't know.
- Glen... - Shhh.
- Hiya! - Hiya.
- You made it, I'm made up.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Come in, then.
- You stink of booze! - Do I?
- Yeah. - Sorry.
- Did you have a session last night? - Didn't Jamie say anything to you?
- No. Who wants to play Twister?
Right, look who's here, everyone! Look who's here!
Hey, all right, mate?
- Hiya, mate. - All right?
Yeah, yeah. Where's the girl, then?
Lois, look!
Hey! Gaps! All right, missus?
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Go on, take it, then. - What do you say?
If the Commando stands at 1020 which means the player...
Oh, it's too complicated, let's do it again.
Has to count either 1 to 10 or...
All right, that's it, I'm not playing.
All right, well, come on...
What do you call a girl that sits in the middle of a tennis court?
I don't know.
- Annette.
I've got one, I've got one, I've got one. What goes "Ooh"?
- A cow with no lips.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
Well, there obviously is. Are you going to tell me about it or what?
No. I feel... It feels weird talking to you about it, I don't know. Sorry.
Weird?
We're best mates, we talk about all kinds of stuff. Come on.
Yeah, but we don't talk about this kind of stuff, do we, that's not what we do.
I've never spoken to you about this kind of stuff.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know, Jamie, I don't know, it's...
it's stupid really.
I mean...
this guy I've met, Glen, you know,
I met him two days ago, he doesn't know me, I don't know him,
and he...
I met him, like, two days ago, two days is nothing.
I don't know, I just feel a bit of a twat, that's all.
I think it's just cos I'm hung over and tired and he's going away and...
Well, you'll be able to see him when he gets back, won't you?
No, no, I won't, because he's not coming back.
He's moving to America, so...
that's it.
Well, what time's he leaving?
Doesn't matter.
No, come on, what time's he leaving?
I can run you in the car.
What about the cake?
Don't worry about the fucking cake.
- Cathy will go nuts. - So?
Lois is going to want you around, isn't she?
I want to be here for Lois, it's my goddaughter's birthday.
I'll be half an hour.
Come on, I'll run you in the car.
24-hour CCTV recording is in operation at this station.
- I fucking knew you'd come. Did you?
Such a goddamn romantic.
Looks like it, eh?
So is this our Notting Hill moment?
You know, I've never seen it, ever.
Neither have I, but I imagine there's a declaration of love
- and everybody applauds. Yeah!
Do you reckon that's what would happen with us?
Might do. Could give it a go.
They'd either clap or throw us under a train.
I'm...
24-hour CCTV recording is in operation at this station.
I want you to know I'm not here to stop you from going.
- Please be quiet. Shut up! - No, no, no.
I just want to... I just want to...
I just want you to know that...
Oh, fuck.
You're a bastard for coming down here. Fuck me.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
You'll be great.
- You'll have the most amazing time. Fuck's sake.
Fuck.
- Fucking gay boys! - Gay boys!
I've got something for you. Ignore them.
I couldn't remember your surname.
Right, I've got to go.
Erm...
I... I don't know. I can hardly remember anything.
Just start from the beginning, when you first saw me.
♪ Bittersweet strawberry, marshmallow, butterscotch
♪ Polar bear, cashew, dixieland, phosphate, chocolate
♪ Lime, tuttifrutti, special raspberry, leave it to me
♪ Three grace, Scotch lassie, cherry smash, lemon freeze
♪ I wanna go to Marz
♪ Where green rivers flow
♪ And your sweet sixteen is waiting for you after the show
♪ I wanna go to Marz
♪ You'll meet the Gold Dust Twins tonight
♪ You'll get your heart's desire
♪ I will meet you under the lights
♪ Golden champagne, juicy grapefruit, lucky Monday
♪ High-school football, hot fudge, Buffalo, tulip sundae
♪ Almond caramel frappé, pineapple, root beer
♪ Black and white, Big Apple, Henry Ford, sweetheart, maple tear
♪ I wanna go to Marz
♪ Where green rivers flow
♪ And your sweet sixteen is waiting for you after the show
♪ I wanna go to Marz
♪ You'll meet the Gold Dust Twins tonight
♪ You'll get your heart's desire
♪ I will meet you under the lights... ♪