- You guys, how long were you dating? - About a year.
And you met in college, right?
- Mm-hmm, yeah, it was about seven years ago. - I'm friends with Jack, you know?
He used to make, uh, he
used to take a frying pan and just melt cheese in it.
-He would roll it up. -Is this true?
He'd call it, he's like, "oh, I made my cheese log."
I needed a wheelchair.
One night we went to an emergency room entrance and we
stole a wheelchair and took it out back and he was pushing me down the hill.
-Tom did that? - Yeah, it was, he knew that I needed a wheelchair.
He used to have one of those, you know, those sunfishes?
You know, the boats that have the one sail.
He would go out and he would be gone for like, six or seven hours.
And we'd be, like, really worried because we couldn't see him from the shore...
Yes, but there was a name attached to the wheelchair.
So it was for someone...
Always one of those guys that would like, walk into a room and he'd talk to us.
You know, like we could be at a party.
You could have the one person in the room, like you, for example, that no one was talking to...
No, but, there's something to be said for somebody that makes people feel comfortable.
He did, he did.
-Thank you. -You got it.
I'm gonna make this, like a respectable event.
Uh... I... It's been a year...
And uh, I thought it was really important that we do this for Tom.
It's so hard to eulogize someone
who you, you, you look up to, you know?
Um, 'cause Tom was amazing. He was the best fucking guy.
I mean, he was a better friend to all of us than we were to him.
I mean, at least that's how I feel.
I just think back. We were roommates at U. Dub
and, like, I remember, like, at one point Sara came to visit me.
And he moved all of his stuff into the common room, uh, to sleep there.
No, he really, and I was like, "it smells bad."
And he was like, no, he was like, "no, no, I'm gonna do it so that you can have sex."
And I was like, "we're not having sex."
Uh... I would, and he was like, "but I'm optimistic," you know.
And uh, so, I, he was just so generous, you know?
He just... he was the best.
And, I was just thinking today,
I mean, I saw hotel Rwanda came on TV and he, uh, he and I saw
it together in the theater and...
The day after it came out,
he started donating time at the shelter in downtown Seattle.
That's what he was like.
You'd sit there thinking about it and he would do it.
And just cheers, I just wanna say cheers to that.
Cheers.
Tom and I were big into movies, you know, growing up.
Actually, Tom and I, like,
had a seminal movie experience together.
Not dissimilar from hotel Rwanda, except it was with revenge of the nerds.
And it was fascinating. It sort of... it changed him.
Um, 'cause Tom was not like you know him when he was younger.
Tom was, um... He was the bully, I found out,
like, when I went to pick him up from school.
And, um, he was, uh, quite emotionally and physically manipulative.
And when I watched him watching revenge of the nerds,
something clicked in him, which was he was learning that,
like, the bullies and the assholes end up last.
And the nerds and the nice guys win.
And his little brain started clocking away and going,
"oh, fuck... I'm gonna gain favor in this world, I'm gonna be nice.
I'm gonna be altruistic.
I'm gonna watch hotel Rwanda and volunteer at a shelter 'cause girls will like that.
I will get laid. I'll get a better job.
-I'll succeed forwarding the life--" -I don't think that's what it is.
-But the purist vers... - I don't think that that's accurate.
I know you spent some time with him in the last couple of years...
-Yeah. -...but he's my brother.
I just think you're gonna hold someone to something that
happened when they were fucking 14 years old or whatever he was when you, when that happened.
If we're gonna toast the man, let's toast the man.
Let's not eulogize someone like a fucking--
no, just the way you're saying it is just like, "he's a
dick" and it's like, he wasn't a dick-- he was amazing.
-You're calling my brother a dick? I'm not calling my brother a dick. - Jack.
I'm just saying let's just do what everybody does at a Funeral,
or a commemoratory ceremony where we just say,
"oh, they were amazing and they were generous," because that's
fucking bullshit and it's a dishonor to the man.
-So, cheers. -Uh, no, I think I'm gonna finish, Al, 'cause I'm his brother.
If we're gonna raise our glass, I want to raise our glass to the man.
You know half of the man and I know the whole man, OK.?
Who was fucking beautiful.
He knew how to make himself work and weave in the world.
And I think that's fucking great and I would never call him a dick for that, so fuck you for saying that.
But let's raise a glass to the whole man.
-Cheers. -Thank you.
Cheers.
So, anyway, uh, I was, uh, should say something,
but, does anyone want another drink... or, uh?
Oh, boy.
How'd that go for you?
When you wrote it, how did you
see that actually playing out for you?
I will say this:
Some parties are forgettable. You know what I mean?
But I gotta say this party... - Had great guacamole and amazing public speaking.
Great public speaking. They'll remember it.
You gotta stop.
You know that, right?
- Oh, this is, this is that moment. - This is your intervention. - Isn't it?
This is, this is hard, Iris.
I miss you. I miss my friend.
I know you're sad.
I'm sad too.
Yeah.
You know what I always think about?
I think about, like, you're--
that must have been so hard for you to leave Tom.
That fucking guy loved you, man.
You are so-- but you were right and you were so brave and you were so right.
- It wasn't right with us. - No, it wasn't right with you guys.
But that's OK.
Can I tell you something?
I turned down the trinity job.
Why?
I don't want to go to trinity
and show them who I am right now because they'll never hire me again.
And, so, that almost means, like, I don't want to go to
another party and show them who I am right now.
And I don't want to go to a
girl and show her who I am right now... - You're a mess.
- Well... - I've been watching you for a
year now, and whatever you're
doing and whatever you think is helping you, I have a
responsibility as your friend to tell you that it's not.
- I knew this was coming. - OK.
- Just tell me what to do. - OK.
- That's basically where I'm at. Just tell me what... - OK.
You know I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know. I have a plan.
- You have a plan? - I just want you to hear me out.
- It's just a plan... - Love your plans.
You might not love this one, but just hear me out.
- I don't have any plans. - Um, that's good news.
You know, uh, you know that nice red bicycle that you have?
Yes. - Yikes. - Sorry.
What you're going to do, you're gonna dust off old red,
you're gonna wheel him out of the shed, and you're gonna get on a ferry.
I'm sending you to my dad's place.
You know my dad's place on the island?
It's beautiful in the winter.
It's idyllic and crisp and peaceful and--
by beautiful, do you mean rainy and cold?
I'm sorry, I got so distracted 'cause all I heard was pissing and moaning.
Right. I'm not pissing, I'm not pissing and moaning.
I'm done. I'm done.
You just need some headspace, OK.?
- OK. - OK.
So, then, you're gonna take a right on a road called Dunhill road.
And the house is right at the end of the street.
- And it's the only house on the Lane. - OK.
Uh, I mean, seriously, I'm just going, like... what am I doing out here?
You just sit there and you look out at the water and you think about your life.
Really? I'm just gonna sit?
You're just gonna sit. There's no TV. There's no Internet. There's nothing.
- It's just you. - Do they have forks?
- It's just you and... - We have a couple of forks, yeah.
I might need to stab myself in the face.
Will you please come visit me, please?
No, Jack. I can't. This is-- I can't anyway 'cause
I'm slammed, but I can't because this is, this is for you, you know?
Don't make me feel bad about sending you off.
All right, I'm gonna go have the greatest time ever doing
nothing and if I don't come back within a week, bring a razor and deodorant.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Hi - Hi.
- I'm... - Back! - OK.
I think I have the wrong house and I, I-- hey!
Hannah! You're Hannah.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm Jack, I'm Iris's friend, Jack. - You're Jack?
Yes, I'm so sorry I freaked you out.
Holy fuck! - Sorry.
Are you kidding me?
What are you doing, like, creeping around my house?
I was looking for the key and I'm so sorry.
I didn't even see anything, so it's fine.
Fuck me.
Sorry, that's my fault, that's...
Anyway, not to beat a dead horse, but just to be super
clear, I was looking for the key
out front, and I thought maybe it was on the side.
- You know, and that's really... - Ring the bell.
Just... ring the bell, dude.
Yeah, but I didn't know anybody was here, so, why would I ring the bell?
You know what, let's just drop it, OK.?
It's just... it's done.
Anyway, sorry.
But look, you obviously came here to... what?
Get alone some alone time and
I'm clearly barging in, so I don't know, I'll just get
a cheap hotel, I think, and it'll be fine.
No, it's fine, you can stay. Yeah, it's fine. Stay.
I don't want to intrude. I really don't.
Look, Iris invited you up, you're a guest, you're welcome to stay.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
There's plenty of room, I'm sure we won't even run into each other.
Are you hungry?
- There's, um, bananas... - Those, those are bananas?
- Well, they're dehydrated. - Oh, OK.
Um, I'm good, thank you.
But yeah, if you're OK., I will crash.
- Stop saying, "are you OK.?" - Thank you.
I just wanna make sure you're OK.
Um, is there a bedroom I should take?
Yeah, just go past where we
had the standoff, and it's the first bedroom on the right.
Oh, past the, uh, creepy guy with the bike helmet?
Yeah, where the crazy lady was brandishing the oar.
She was scary.
- I hope she's gone. - Good night.
- Do you think we'll see her again? - Maybe.
Can I come in?
There's glasses on the windowsill.
You know, if you wanna join me.
You sure? - Yeah. - Thanks.
One thing in common with your little sister.
What, the lush factor?
Ah, the self-aware lush factor. - Oh.
Very important. Big difference.
So... you're on an island,
it's three in the morning and
you're drinking by yourself.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Really?
I'm not good for small talk, so I apologize if I'm, uh,
barging through the doors of your privacy right now.
Yeah, it's OK.
You kind of are, but, it's, uh-- I apologize.
- Let's talk about your slippers. - OK. Let's talk about my slippers.
Your slippers are awesome.
I just walked out on a seven-year relationship.
Whoa.
- Hence the Tequila. - Hence the Tequila.
What's your story?
Hmm, nothing really, I just kinda had a shitty year, you know.
Thought it'd be nice to have a little sabbatical, get some alone time.
- OK., good place for it. - Good place for it.
- Obviously. - Getting the alone time.
But I gotta say, uh, not so
terrible to have a drinking buddy.
Yeah.
You are not what I expected, Hannah.
How so?
Um, you are, uh, I don't know.
Just not how Iris described you to me, I guess--
How did she describe me?
She-- well, if you don't know already,
she worships you and looks up to you and thinks you are amazing and she loves you.
Yeah? - It's true.
What else? - Well-- give me the dirt, come on!
What am I supposed to say? She loves you.
- She thinks you're amazing. - Well, I love her. I think she's amazing.
Well, good. Well, drink your drink. Drink your drink.
Don't tell me to drink my drink. Well, I'm drinking my drink.
You drink that one. Watch this.
Oh yeah, watch this.
Wham! OK.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Now you're talking. I had a brother.
That's right.
I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.
I am, I knew that. Don't.
That's-- I'm sorry, that's my bad.
- Why are you sorry? - I don't know.
There's nothing to be sorry about.
I used to have a brother and I don't anymore and that's what it is, you know?
It's like, it is what it is, and it sucks.
And it, you know, it was,
you know, terrible, obviously,
but, um, I'm good, and um,
thank you for that, but it's not necessary.
To your brother.
To your sister, and her sister.
- Being you. - That would be me. - Yeah.
- Ah, well, I guess I better drink then. - Come on.
Mm-mmm, mm-mmm.
I can't.
Look, if we're gonna drink to someone as awesome as your sister and my dead brother,
we're throwing the shit back. - OK. - Come on, wham it.
Mmm!
- There it is. - Holy shit.
Yet another similarity with you and Iris.
I can talk her into drinking anything.
I can't believe you let me talk you into that. That's really great.
You want another one?
OK., my best friend is your sister. - Right.
It's like a kind of in-law,
of sort, that makes us, you know what I'm saying?
Emotionally...
No, no, no, go, go, go, I cut you off.
And you were actually going with something good.
I'm drawing a brilliant parallel...
Going down.
Getting weird with the sister.
All right, let me tell you something. - Yeah!
All right, it's not that I was... I was in love with her.
I was totally fucking in love with her, but what I was in love
with was the potential that she was holding that was me.
- Right. - Does that make sense? - Right.
That's what I was in love with. - Right. - Was that. - Right.
And I started to realise like... was like...
I gave her all my, the tszuj, all my good stuff.
- Is this making any sense? - Yeah. You shouldn't do that.
She wouldn't give it back.
So like, as the, as like, as the years went on and everything
went on, I was just like, this-- this is gonna sound so fucking
melodramatic-- I was like this, this fucking, like, little fucking bird, like, in a
cage and finally she came over and unlocked it and I just sat there.
Wow.
I sat there for three more months when she was hooking up with a...
This woman, girl, who's so much younger than me.
And I just couldn't, I just sat there and waited for her to be
attracted to me again or to look at me like I was, uh... - Whoa...
We're gonna stop this conversation.
I got a sense of it, OK.? And, um, here's the deal.
I've made a decision. Pam is a fucking moron.
Mm-hmm. - OK.?
She's not really, but... Look, here's the deal, look,
for her to have given you the sense in some way that you're
not, like, young enough or good enough or pretty enough or just
enough in general, is fucking bullshit and... - It is, right?
It's bullshit because what I see across from me is...
You have to, you have to let me descend here for a second.
- Can I descend? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK., I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
It's to prove a point, OK.? But it's about your butt.
So, when I... What?
- When I... when I went to look for... - You are a fucker!
- I am. - You were fucking peeping in the fucking windows.
You're a fucker. Give me some more.
You are a fucking-- go ahead, yeah, no, I want to hear your confession.
Confess!
I tried to find the key, I went around the door, all
innocent, up until that point. Innocent, innocent, innocent,
looking for the key, total innocence, total innocence.
- Uh-huh, yeah. - Through the window... Your butt.
- Pervert. -Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
- But you made me that way. - I made you that way.
Because your butt is fucking awesome, OK.?
- Can you not? - 'Cause it's, like, super-soft...
- How do you know it's super-soft? - 'Cause I could tell.
- You're so fucking weird... - I know... - And drunk right now.
I know, I know. I looked at it for a while.
I got a good sense of it. Go ahead, all right, go.
And let me tell you another thing that's even more
inappropriate, but it's super-safe 'cause you're a lesbian.
If I were... Differently equipped or you were
differently inclined... This night might go a very...
Really? - Different way.
- I'm just sayin'. - Oh, you're just sayin'?
I would be super open to that in a whole other universe
because... - OK.
And this is just serving to prove my point of, like,
you shouldn't feel not awesome
because she was not interested in you.
There will be a lot of people--
Well, I didn't say she wasn't interested in me.
The fucking thing ran its course. But anyway, go ahead. I like it, I like it.
To your gorgeous... Supple... soft... sexy...
Motherfuckin' butt.
And all the other things that I might be thinking about except
for the fact that I'm not thinking about them.
You're just saying... Anyway, the point is... You...
You're never gonna be happy if you're eating this fucking bird food.
- You think... you know why you feel like a bird? - I love that food, I have to say.
You feel like a bird? Look, what the fuck is this?
- It's a turd. You can't eat these things. - OK.
I... am here, Dr. Jack, to fix you, OK.?
So, I'm gonna make you round, tall, filet, super awesome,
grocery store, cook it medium-rare... - I can't do it.
With the butter?
I can't eat meat. Go make me something else.
OK., I'll make you something else.
I'll make you a super awesome steak medium-rare with the
butter and the bleu cheese and the truffle oil drizzled over the French fries.
And I'm gonna put this plate in front of you and it's gonna be totally different.
It'll be a change of pace.
But you are out of the cage now, my friend, and if you want to
fucking fly, you're gonna start with a steak.
- That's all I'm saying. - Let's do it.
- All right, we're going to the store... - No, let's do it.
I'm gonna fucking cook you a meal. - Hey!
All right.
I'm gonna take you up on your offer.
What are you doing?
I haven't, uh, been on that
bicycle in quite some time, but... - What are you, what are you...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you serious? - Yeah.
I'm single, you're single.
I'm single.
I mean, maybe it's a bad idea.
- It's not a bad idea. - No, maybe it's a bad idea.
- It's not a bad idea. - I mean, we shouldn't do it.
- You're a straight guy. - I'm looking at your boobs.
It might be too much. It might be too much for you.
Too much for you to handle.
- What? - You're serious.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm game if you're game.
...wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Get rid of this, get rid of this.
Holy shit.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Shit, shit, shit.
I don't have-- I don't, I didn't bring a-- I don't have a condom.
Well, I didn't-- I thought I was gonna be alone!
Condom!
Oh... fuck.
- Saran wrap? - I think I know where there's one.
OK., oh, all right.
Uhh... Um... OK.
Wait, wait, wait-- stay right there.
Don't move, don't move, don't move. I gotta show you something.
I've always wanted to do this. OK., you ready? - Yes.
# ta-daaaaaaaah! #
All right.
You're very underwhelmed. OK., never mind.
Wait, all right. I'm gonna do it.
Whoa! You're really going for it.
- Is that on? - Uh, snap it, snap it.
OK., good. Give me this, give me this.
OK., sorry.
OK., I got it, I got it.
OK.
Let me get these off. Yeah... OK., wow, wow.
OK.
OK.... there.
Oh, my God. - Oh!
Oh shit, you're amazing.
Oh, sorry.
Wait a second.
Oh shit, I squealed-- sorry.
Did you...? OK.
Yeah, sorry.
It was... It wasn't supposed to be that fast.
Oh, good.
- I can, I can help, uh... - No, it's O.K.
- Finish for you, if you want. - Oh, no, thank you.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- OK. - Your arm's on my hair.
Sorry.
All right, um... Wow...
You wanna snuggle?
Yeah. - OK.
Go for it. - OK.
Maybe not that close.
We should get some... We should get some water too,
before we go to sleep.
OK.
Good night.
Thank you.
She's here, she's here, she's here, she's here.
Get up, get up, get up, get up.
Oh... oh, shit.
Fuck, where'd it go, where'd it go, where'd it go, where'd it go?
Ugh... OK., get up.
Iris is in the driveway, she's in the driveway.
Give me some tissues. Give me some tissue.
Come on.
Very important, O.K.?
She cannot know about this. I am running, or something.
You are sleeping. And, we're good, O.K.?
Just...
What?
Jack?
What the fuck is that?
Hey, bean... Oh, oh, my... What's up? Puppet? What the fuck?
Oh, my goodness!
What are you doing here?
Ohh... Oh, it's so nice to see you.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
- Yeah, it's a long story. - Did you just wake up?
You O.K.? These are cute. These are really cute.
- Holy cow. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
What? What have you come as?
- I was on a run. - Here she is.
- Hannah showed me a great path, and... - Jane Fonda.
- Oh, cut it out. - Oh, you're sweaty like her.
What are you doing here? What is going on?
Did you meet my sister? I've been wanting you to meet her.
I did, we met last night. Yes, we did.
How nice is this?
I've been wanting you guys to meet for so long.
Haven't I been talking about it?
And it's weird, it's weird that you haven't met, so I love it!
I know, it's crazy.
How, what, why are you, how did the, what are you doing here?
I got off work. I just was, like, they moved a shoot and then axed another one,
so I was, like, peace out.
I'm gonna go and annoy my friend.
- That's so great! - This is amazing that she's here as well.
I know. You were like, "go up for a solo sabbatical..."
I know, I know, you're supposed to have alone time
and now you're, like... Double whammy!
- Two of them here. - That was a big run.
Yeah, it was really good.
Yeah. I need to pee. I'm literally gonna pee my pants.
I got you provisions and stuff.
I love that you're here.
Where did you guys sleep?
That was a bit much...
And it's like, pouring off your head.
So... yeah.
Hey.
Took my room.
- I hate my room. - You do hate your room.
Don't be weird and change the sheets, it's fine.
I broke up with Pam.
What?
Holy shit! Why-- when?
A couple of days ago.
I, um... I got up here yesterday, I hitchhiked up.
You didn't hitchhike up, please don't hitchhike.
It's so dangerous.
I had no idea that... Are you all right?
- Don't-- please don't change the sheets. - I wanna change the sheets.
- Don't change the sheets. - Let me change the sheets.
I wanna talk to you about...
I had no idea you guys were having trouble.
Hannah!
Why didn't you call me?
I don't know.
I knew we were in trouble when we weren't being physical anymore.
But, I mean, that was totally my fault.
I was just so fucking angry with her all the time.
Yeah, of course you were, she's suffocating.
- No-- well, she was suffocating. - She was suffocating.
No, but it was me too.
It was because I was buying
into this... I was... What did I say to you last night?
I had a good metaphor for it last night.
Did you guys talk about this last night?
Yes. I was shit-faced... You were?
- And I was pouring out my heart. - You know what?
I am gonna need some herbs.
- Would you mind something from the garden? - Do you need it right now?
Or do you wanna... It would be great so that it could marinate. - What?
I do feel like sooner rather than later would be good, just so they could marinate.
OK., O.K., yeah, yeah.
- But I wanna know, I wanna know what the... - I remember where I was.
I didn't know about any of this, like the breaking point...
It's not the kind of stuff you talk about.
I know. - Yeah.
- All right, what do you want me to do? - Um, real quick.
I've been thinking since the bottle of Tequila is pretty much
empty, I think the way we pitch it is you were here drinking
and I came in and we talked for like 20 minutes, then you went
to bed, I stayed up finishing the Tequila, and then that way
it's like, we hung out a little bit, but not so much that it's suspicious.
You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Is that cool with you? What are you talking about?
I mean, seriously, what are you talking about?
OK.
- Don't you think we both agree its better if Iris just doesn't know. -Why?
- Because she's your sister and I'm her best friend and it's weird. - Yeah?
Weird, what? Well, it's weird that we had sex.
I mean, I'm not particularly proud of it.
But I don't think she'd give a shit.
What do you mean you're not proud of it? - Come on.
Whatever, anyway, go ahead.
You want me to make up a story to throw her off the track so
that she doesn't know that we had sex?
That sounds terrible when you say it like that. - Right. - OK.?
Do you have a thing for my sister? - I...
I knew you were gonna say this, this is why I didn't want to say anything.
I do not have a thing for your sister. - You have anything for my sister.
I don't have a thing for your sister. Here's the deal. - OK.
I think it would be bad for all of us if Iris knows
about this-- I'm not just thinking about myself.
You are freaking me out on so many levels right now.
You don't think she'd be upset if you told her we had sex?
I don't think she'd give a shit, no. - Wow.
I hate to break it to you...
Hi! - Hey!
I've got sage as well, I don't know if that's any good.
Uh, sage is great, actually.
Perfect, thank you.
Um, O.K., so what was the point when, um...
What was it, when you decided that...
You know what, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
No, but I haven't heard any of it.
I'm starting to get so irritable, because it's just a bad topic.
No, but I wanna know about it. Boring... I'll get... I'll put some music on.
Yeah, let's do music. That sounds good.
Did she tell you about the Pam thing last night?
- What's that? - Did she tell you about Pam?
We touched on it. - How's this? - It's O.K.
Can you not talk about me when I'm in the same room?
I'm just saying, I think I'm a little upset that this guy is,
like, all clued up on your break-up while I don't know anything.
Here's the deal, new rule:
No talking behind anybody's backs in this house, all right?
All right. Um, we don't do that.
Yeah, good.
Um... OK., I know you don't want to talk about it anymore.
That's fine. - Yeah. - That's totally fine.
Let's just move on. - All right. - Sounds good to me.
- This place is incredible. - Mm-hmm.
I know you said at some point it was renovated, but...
You don't understand how beautiful this place was...
You don't understand, I mean...
It was... it was insane. It was just so... - Beautiful.
Pure and gorgeous and then Marilyn came in and just
eradicated any memory of us.
And, so, the house, yes, is very beautiful...
- Without the stink of us. - Yeah.
But Marilyn's only got a couple more years left.
- It's two and a half, three? - Two and a half, three more years.
Yeah, I think so. What are... I'm sorry, what?
Three to go?
- The 10-year itch. - Mm-hmm.
OK., he was with her mum for 10 years, had an affair with my mum, who was his secretary.
Got your mom, lenora, pregnant... - Yes. - Married her.
- Moved to London. - Moved to London.
Got bored of Lenora, and then he moved on.
And then he kind of philandered around for, like, seven years.
He went through his crazy Warren Beatty phase.
The funny thing, though, about those years, when he was so bad
with the ladies, he was so good with us because that was... - He wasn't.
No, but that was like six summers that it was just the three of us here.
I know but you were O.K. With that. I had no respect for that.
He just went... he dodged from one to the other and it was gross.
That's so crazy. So he would just, like, date all
these women, like, for short periods of time, with not a lot of emotional investment?
Yeah, it was horrible.
And they were very similar, and then he would just move on? - Yeah.
God, that's just weird. Who does that? Oh!
- And the patterns emerge! - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
Skinny jeans George, skinny jeans Harry, skinny jeans Vinnie.
Vinnie lasted for at least two weeks. He was one of the longer ones.
I don't like dating, you know that. I don't like dating.
I don't like the-- I don't like it. I get bored, I don't like it.
Do you know how the Iris dating scheme works these days?
No, you don't.
OK., this is basically how it works.
I mean, in a nutshell.
So, they come in, with the skinny jeans that...
Yes, skinnier than these, by the way.
Then we've got the rocker stud
belt, converse, no socks, tongue open, no shoelaces.
The swoopy haircut...
Which you have right now, by the way.
Well, I have it 'cause I have hair problems.
These guys, these guys are young enough, they should not be swooping.
It starts out, usually on a Friday, 'cause she met him in a coffee shop.
Saturday night we go to either fleet foxes or band of horses.
- I like fleet foxes. - Or some sort of light in the attic show.
And then she takes them to the greasy spoon and breakfast the next morning.
She's like, "I'm such the greasy spoon girl," and then they get
very, very excited about her and the next weekend they call, and she does coffee.
And then it's done.
And why are you almost defending them?
You hate all of the guys that I've been out with. You've hated all of them.
- Well, the problem is... I just don't like it, I get very bored, you know that.
You have great taste in life and you have terrible taste in men.
You have terrible taste in clothes.
- Of course I do. I never said that... - Those denim shorts are a horror show, let me tell you.
Don't, don't talk about the jeans shorts.
- Sit down, you're done. - No, no, no, no, no.
The fact that you've somehow managed to get the inner seam
higher than the outer seam is so creepy.
God is in the details. I'm sorry.
I never want to see those things again, ever.
Remember the guy who asked you to cut your bush?
Remember?
The guy that you were hooking up with that told you to trim your
bush, and... - OK., we're good.
- We're done. - No, no, no, she came home in tears because she was hooking up
with this guy-- remember that guy-- and she had a little poof in her underwear.
OK., you know... And she's like...
"I know I'm supposed to trim my bush."
And I was, like, the bad older sister because I didn't tell her.
What the fuck are you doing? I did, and it was...
Anyway, that's the only boyfriend story I remember.
You suck. - Yeah.
- That is so wrong, by the way. - What?
That's very wrong. These are the guys that Iris...
OK., we're good, we're good, we're good, we're done.
We're done, O.K.? OK., we're done.
I'm just gonna eat another vat of mashed potatoes.
How are you liking those mashed potatoes?
- They're outrageous. - Yeah? They taste good?
Mm-hmm.
How vegan do they taste to you?
Come on!
I put a dollop of butter in, that was it.
Don't rinse out. Come on, you've been plowing through those things.
Do you know why they tasted good? Because they have dairy in them, that's why.
- Why would you do that? - Because I felt like it.
That's five pounds of fear right there, that I just ate.
- It was meant to be a joke just 'cause... - It was meant to be a joke.
- To see if you liked it. - I mean it's just so not cool.
OK., O.K.! You're right, it's not cool.
Are you allergic to butter, though?
No, I'm emotionally allergic to butter.
I'm sorry. It was just a little bit.
It was just a tablespoon.
I like butter in my mashed potato, and that was all it was.
All right.
-Don't, Hannah. -That was delicious and inhumane and...
I'm sorry. I'll see you guys in the morning. - I'm sorry.
I love you, but I don't like you. - All right.
Thank you, Jack.
Good night, Hannah.
Hannah.
Hello.
- I'm sleeping. - I know.
I can't sleep.
It's because I'm so excited that you're here.
- Well, try. - What?
- Try. - I can't.
- Do you want to talk? - Uh-uh.
- Go to bed. - I can't.
- Well, sleep here, but shhh. - OK.
- Can I just have one question? - Hmm?
Do you like Jack?
- Yeah, he's all right. - Hmm?
I said, he's all right.
What do you think of him?
I don't know. I just met him.
Yeah, but, you know, you're very good at working people out.
- I don't know, he seems like a nice guy. - Mm-hmm.
He's a good cook.
Asshole.
Sorry about the potato.
- I hate that bush story. - I'm sorry about that.
I, like, hate it so much.
It's so, so embarrassing.
- That's a good story. - Yeah, for you.
I don't know. He's funny, I guess.
He's very funny.
And... full of himself.
Well, it's because he's nervous, though.
He just gets a little posture-y when he's nervous.
He's really smart.
So, do you like him?
Yeah, he's my friend.
No, I mean, do you "like him"
...like him?
Yeah.
I think I'm in love with him.
Wow.
Yeah.
Do you think that's weird?
No.
Because of Tom, I think it might be weird.
I don't know.
He made this, like, really drunken pass at me once.
And it was right after I broke up with Tom.
And it was way embarrassing, but...
He was so upset the next day, you know... Mortified.
Mmm.
And I was kind of happy that it happened.
So, I guess I thought then that
I shouldn't... Should not tell him.
Do you think that I should tell him?
No.
No, not no.
Uh-uh.
He's so sweet.
I think you should sleep on it.
Sleep on it?
I thought you were gonna say, "I think you should sleep with him."
That's my usual advice.
Um... I mean, just think.
I might fuck everything up, because...
Maybe we know each other too well, you know?
And he's be totally weirded out, and...
- Sleep on it. - OK.
- In your own bed. - OK.
- I'm exhausted. - OK.
- I love you. - I love you.
It's nice to see you.
So good to see you, peanut.
OK.
- Hey, stink bomb. - Hey.
- How are ya? - How you doing?
Just chillin'. Reading.
You're not sleeping?
I can't sleep. Can you not sleep?
Here.
Thanks.
Yeah.
What do you think of her?
I think she's great. You know.
I really like her, and, um, she seems great.
Do you not like her?
Look, I just said I like her.
I do.
Did you-- what'd you guys do last night?
We, um... Nothing.
You know, it was just, like, small talk, getting to know each
other a little bit... um... It was nice.
Do you think she's pretty?
I, I think she is empirically attractive.
What?
"Technically speaking, she is, uh, pretty attractive."
I-- whatever. She's a pretty girl, yeah.
- She's really pretty. - She's a pretty girl.
This is her room. Did you know that?
- This is her room? - You're in her room.
That's weird. Why'd she put me in here?
She hates this room.
Maybe that's why she put me in here.
She does. She really hates this room.
She hasn't even unpacked.
- Wow. - Yeah, that's all her stuff.
- What is that? - This is all her paintings.
I don't know if she even knows they're here.
She hasn't picked up a brush in years, but... - It's beautiful. - Yeah.
These are all from around here.
And, this is a nudist beach on the other side of the island.
- On this island? - Yep.
That's crazy.
- Anyway... - Anyway...
I gotta tell you something.
What?
I...
What?
I am too old to ride bicycles to islands.
Anyway... That's my big confession for the night.
You just put your foot in my face, you son-of-a-bitch.
- What? - You just put your foot in my face.
- No, I didn't. - You did.
Shithead.
- Hey. - Hey.
You were right.
About what?
It's just, um... Better if she doesn't know.
Cool?
Yeah, that's, that's good for me, yeah.
Just like that.
Ew, it's a gloopy!
- I prefer "eye booger". - Oh?
- What are, uh, what are we in for here? - Hmm?
- What are we in for here? - I have no idea.
Are you guys ready for the best gluten-free, vegan, soy-free pancakes you're ever gonna eat?
- Mmm. - Absolutely.
- Seriously, these are delicious. - They look really good.
You can have a little sad pancake-- look at those two little sad pancakes.
Oh, he is a little sad. Look, I'll make him happy.
That's right. Let's start there.
Tell me if you miss anything 'cause I would be very surprised if you do.
OK.
- Um... oh! Maple syrup! - Maple syrup.
Oh, shoot!
OK., you know what?
No maple syrup, but we do have cashew butter.
- Mmm, amazing. - They're good? - Mmm!
- Oh my God, I'm so excited. - So good.
They're actually even good without it.
- But I will try it with. - See how we do.
- I put that stuff on everything, it is delish. - Yeah?
- Mmm! Good. - They're good?
- Very good. - Very good.
I'm so happy that you like them.
I mean, do you miss it? Do you even miss the butter and the milk?
Mm-mmm.
- They're terrible. - No, they're not...
They're so bad.
- They're so good, right? - Aren't they good?
I think terrible is an extreme word.
I think that they are... Challenged, but they are--
- I think it's a very good effort. - It's not!
You know what it is? The flax seeds didn't do a good job.
I put flax seeds in to replace
the egg, and usually I use coconut oil, but we didn't have any, and it's just...
- Well, you didn't have the right ingredients. - You didn't.
This is what I think. We'll have a second round.
- OK., all right. - You get all the right ingredients.
I'll make my pancakes, you make yours.
And we'll have, like, a pancake-off.
And then whoever wins will win, like, a...
- Trip to, uh, I-hop. - A trip to I-hop.
- But make sure you bring your passport, 'cause it's international. - Right!
Well done.
- Sorry, you guys. - Don't be sorry.
Do you know what I'm so excited about?
- What? - You.
What do you mean?
I'm happy you've left her. I think that's what I'm trying to say.
- I think I'm happy too. - I've kind of missed seeing your face like this.
It's the first time I've seen you look really happy in a long time.
That's awesome. - Ah.
Despite the terrible pancakes.
You do. It's really lovely for me.
I've missed you, you know, seeing you.
Fuck Pam.
- Fuck her. - Fuck Pam.
- Fuck Pam.
Fuck Pam.
Or don't fuck Pam. Fuck someone else now.
You can do anything you want now-- that's the thing.
It's really exciting.
You can go traveling now. You're not stuck.
- Yeah, I was thinking about that. - You can go to the redwoods.
You can go to India. You can find yourself, like Lenora.
You can do whatever you want. You can have a baby now.
- A baby? She always wanted one. She's always wanted one.
That's right where my mind goes: Let me go have a baby now.
No, I've been thinking about it.
That she's, she's always wanted one as well.
She has actually always wanted a baby.
You should try. Now is your time.
I mean, were you trying? Were you even trying?
Yeah, I mean, we had, we had been talking about it.
- She never wanted them, though. - She said she did.
Yeah, she said she was gonna relent at some point.
And I don't think she ever wanted them.
And you have such an opportunity now, you know?
Yeah. - OK.
Are you embarrassed? It's probably embarrassing in front of Jack.
I don't want to talk-- no, no, it's just-- yeah.
I mean... we just... It wasn't on the table.
At the end of the day, it wasn't, uh, wasn't to be, so, movin' on.
All right, I'm just saying that there's tons of stuff you can do.
Travel... No, but you, there's, don't change the subject.
This is what you want.
There's sperm donors. - There's, like... Christ. - Yeah.
It's expensive.
But what I'm saying now, is that there's, like, you can go online.
There's sperm donors. There's sperm in the air.
You just grab a dude and preg yourself up.
Sounds horrible.
Pick a guy-- any guy!
It would just be one night and then you're done.
I'm gonna get some coffee. Would you like a refill?
Hannah, would you like something?
Yes, thank you. Refresh, please.
Coffee? OK. Good, I'll be right back.
I need to talk to you.
- Let's go for a walk. - OK.! Good!
We're gonna go for a walk. Jack-- Jack?
You're gonna stay here and think about your life.
Come on, Hannah.
- I'm going for a walk. - Hey-- hey!
Um, just wanted to check in with you real quick.
So, I, I don't know exactly how
to put this, but it definitely was a little weird.
I didn't know about you, and your relationship
to, like, wanting a baby and stuff.
Um, which is great, obviously.
But, in terms of, like, the whole, like, oh, just grab
a guy, and there's sperm everywhere, like...
It definitely made me think for a sec.
Our first night... I hate to even bring it up.
- I feel like it's just-- - We used a condom.
That's true.
Yeah, you're right. Sorry... sorry... we're good?
OK., thanks. Sorry about that.
- I didn't mean to... - See you later.
Back-track, I just felt like... double-checking.
Safety first.
And the thought of it. It's scary, and it's all of those things.
I'm gonna do it-- I just feel like I should just tell him.
And I thought about it all night and we slept in the same fucking bed, you know?
And it's just the comfort and the ease that we have.
I just don't believe that just evaporates.
I hope, anyway. I just feel like I've got to take this leap.
I was lying there last night and I couldn't get to sleep.
And he's snoring next to me, and I'm, like, just tell him.
Just fucking tell him! You know?
I just, I just have to. I think it's time.
I don't even know what he's gonna think or what he's gonna say, I just feel like I've got
to stop feeling so passive about things, you know?
What's the matter? Why are you being so quiet?
You don't think I should do it?
No, I have to tell you something.
- And I have to tell you something before... - Yeah. - I tell you something.
The first thing I'm gonna tell you you're gonna have a big problem with.
So, I think I'm just gonna tell you.
OK.
Oh God, oh my God, oh God.
Iris!
Jack!
Whoa, whoa. What's going on?
You fucked my sister.
You fucked my sister! Oh my God!
Look, I'm so sorry.
Oh my God! You were here for one night!
- She's a fucking lesbian! - It was a total mistake, I should never have known
about it-- I'm so sorry, but there's something much bigger at work here-- Hannah!
Iris, I'm so sorry, I-- tell her about the condom.
- Hannah, tell her about the condom. - What's he talking about?
- I found the condom! - What'd you do?
Why were you looking for the condom? What's going on?
Well, well why, you know why? Because she poked holes in the condom.
Can you shut up for one second? - No!
It's a fucking rain shower! She tried to steal my sperm!
I didn't try to steal your sperm.
- Well, then, what was that? - Did you poke holes in a condom, Hannah?!
No-- yes! - Why?
No, I was trying... I was trying to get pregnant.
- With Jack? - No, not with Jack.
- With someone. - Oh my God, you're telling me...
Jack, you didn't even, you weren't even gonna know.
Oh, I wasn't going to know?!
It was going into a little plastic sack and get thrown into the trash.
Exactly! Where sperm belongs, so it
so it doesn't become a fucking baby that I don't know about!
OK., so this, let me just clear this up.
You, potentially... could be pregnant with his baby.
- Is that what, is that what you're telling me? - I don't know.
Holy shit! Holy shit!
You had to pick him, didn't you? You had go pick Jack.
Of all the guys. All of the guys, and you had to go and pick him...
- I, I wasn't trying to pick him, I was just-- - Why did it have to be him?!
I didn't know you were in love with him! How could I know you were in love with him?
I would never have done that. I don't want to hurt you.
I didn't know.
- What are you doing? - I don't even know. I just wanted a baby.
- Oh... I'm sorry. - Oh, fuck.
- I fucked up. - Fuck.
I am a really bad person.
Can I talk to you for a second?
No, I don't want to talk to you, Jack.
Hey.
I really think your face is gonna annoy me right now.
I don't want to talk to you.
My face always annoys you.
I'm so sorry.
Why did you do that?
Did you not think that that would be weird?
For me?
Did you not think that, like,
even if I hadn't found out that,
that would be a weird thing?
That you'd have to carry that
and still be friends with me?
It's weird.
It's definitely weird.
But it's, like, I... I slept with your sister, and...
You slept with my brother.
And... I don't know... I don't even...
This is just so confusing.
There's a lot happening right now, but...
I can't, I can't come between
you and your sister, O.K.?
That is not something I can ever do.
I can't even think about her right now.
She-- I don't want anything to do
with her right now, O.K.?
I just know I saw her when you left the room, and...
She loves you and she's sorry.
You can never understand how
important the bond is that you have with your sister.
You will never understand, the way I do.
I could never live with myself
if I knew, in some way, I might
be coming between you or the cause of any of that.
And what I did was a mistake.
And it's the worst fucking mistake I have ever made...
But, I didn't...
Fuck.
I didn't sleep with your sister 'cause I wanted to sleep with your sister.
I slept with your sister because I can't be with you.
I have to go.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
You gonna come back?
I made some potatoes if you want some.
- Iris? - Yeah?
I'm sorry.
Morning.
Have you thought about what you're gonna do?
You know, if there's a baby?
Not really.
'Cause I was just thinking...
That I wouldn't want you to... Feel alone.
You know?
And if you wanted any help...
That that would be... Something I could do.
You know that I could help you raise the baby.
I have a spare room.
Are you sure that's what you'd... be up for?
Want to do? Bite off?
I don't know.
Yeah, I think it is.
I could do the 3 A.M. feed, uh, you know?
I don't know, I've just been thinking about it.
It's whatever you want.
I think I'd like that. Yeah? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Just... you know, for the offer, even.
Even if there is no baby.
It's O.K.
Warm-up?
Yeah.
Sorry.
It's O.K.
You gotta go to your bacon's car, whee... -No bacon's car!
It doesn't do that!
Here comes the milk police car.
Whoever has a siren, turn it on.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck... you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
Fuck you.
I think if you see two together it's good luck.
- Crows? - Yeah, and one...
...is a spirit guide.
Hi.
I have something I want to say to you guys, O.K.?
I'm unemployed, and I'm financially unstable, and I am
emotionally at best precarious worst a cripple...
And... I'm not in a place in my life to be any sort of
father figure, potentially.
And I'm certainly, as your best friend, no one I would recommend as a boyfriend.
And that sucks, because...
You... might be carrying my baby, and...
I'm in love with your sister.
But...
I'm tired of being dead.
And I want to come back to life.
So, if there, you know, is a baby in there, um...
You absolutely should have that.
And I would love to help, if you want me.
Not pushy, just available.
Be it friend or Uncle or dad-ish on some level.
And... you.
I don't deserve...
You.
But I would give you every fucking thing that I have.
And if you guys would consider having me...
I'm asking for a shot.
I love you.
And I love you.
Come here.
- Come on. - Come on.
Come on, don't be silly. Come here, sperm-stealer.
- OK. - OK.
All right.