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No feet!
No! No!
- No! Not the hair! - Yes.
- Not the - Frances! - Ow!
I tried to make a frittata, but it's really more of a scramble.
This is interesting.
“To praise a work of literature by calling it sincere...
is now at best a way of saying that, although it may be given...
no aesthetic or intellectual admiration -”
I wouldn't eat a domesticated dog.
You say that just because they're cute.
Don't be stupid.
I should sleep in my own bed.
Why?
Because I bought it.
Stay.
But take off your socks.
- it's hairless? - No, it has fine, curly hair.
There's this house in Westchester -
the basement is all Cornish Rexes.
It smells awful. The top floor is Siamese cats.
- I'm allergic to cats. - They're hypoallergenic.
- This is a special Frances kitty. - Oh. Who knew?
This one's the runt, which is cheaper, but I think it's the best one anyway.
I figure one runt and one regular.
I put a hundred-dollar down payment on each cat.
Well, 80 for the runt and a hundred for the other one.
- Why not just get one cat? - A cat needs a buddy. If you get one, you need two.
I'll give you $200 to get no cats.
So who will take care of them if you go away?
I thought we could get 'em together.
And move them back and forth between our apartments?
No. I thought maybe...
you could move in with me.
Oh. Wow.
- Do you want to move in with me? - Yeah.
Yes. I mean, I do have this other thing.
- What other thing? - Well, I don't know.
I promised Sophie I'd stay through the lease...
and she'll probably want to renew it.
Is that bad? I'm sorry. I feel bad.
- Can't she find someone else? - Yeah, but it's my friend.
- Uh-huh. - I want to move in with you. - Okay.
- I feel bad. - Don't feel bad. Forget it.
- No. What? - Nothing.
- You're mad. - I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.
- I feel bad. - Stop feeling bad.
Frances, I asked you to move in. You said no.
- But I can't. - You can. You don't want to.
- Who is it? - I don't have to get it.
- Who is it? - Sophie. I'll call her later. - Just pick up the phone.
- Are you sure? - Answer it.
Yo, girl! What's up?
Hey, where are you?
I can't come.
Are you drunk?
I love you!
Ahh! Dumpling House!
I can't really talk right now.
Okay. I love you.
Okay.
I love you.
She's with these guys...
Benji and Lev, at a party in Chinatown.
They're drunk.
I don't know.
Maybe this isn't working.
- I'm sorry. - Me too..
Maybe - No, never mind.
- What? - I want to pay you for the cats.
I'm not gonna take money from you...
but I am going to get the cats anyway.
But then you're gonna be a single guy with two cats.
Why would I be single?
- With two cats. - No, I know.
I mean, why would I be single?
I don't know.
I thought you said that this isn't working.
I mean, if we don't move in together. If we can't move in together.
We can move in together.
I don't know that I believe anything I'm saying.
Uh-huh.
This hasn't been great for a while.
“This hasn't been great for a while.”
This has not been -
- Where are you going? - Home, I guess.
I'm really... tired.
I'm always so tired.
Let's move in together.
Hi!
You're crazy. You know Lev?
Yes.
- And Benji? - Hi.
I can't get interested in art or books...
or movies about animals.
The animals have to talk or be at war for me to be interested.
Don't hit the third rail.
Shit!
The F's not running.
- I want a sip. - Do you want your own?
I want a sip.
The coffee people are right.
We are like a lesbian couple that doesn't have sex anymore.
- Wait. Come back. - Don't pick at your face.
I don't like smoking alone.
Me and Dan don't have sex anymore.
Didn't have sex anymore.
Yeah, that's why you broke up.
And if it happened, he would just -
He only had one way he could finish.
Oh, I hate that.
It was always with me facing flat on the bed from behind...
which just -
everything that matters is covered up.
- It's like with me and Patch. - Yo, Patchy!
'Sup, brah?
The way he always likes to come in my face.
Yeah. Classy.
He's the kind of guy who says, “I've gotta take a leak.”
And wears predistressed baseball hats.
He's a nice guy -
you know, for today.
I should feel bad I went to that party.
You deserved it. You just got out of relationship jail.
- I think Dan was an alcoholic. - He was.
He wasn't a real alcoholic...
but sometimes he would have, like, 12 beers.
- Hey. - What?
Lev is asking for your number.
Give it to him.
You did just break up with Dan. Today.
Just do it.
I love you, Sophie, even if you love...
your phone that has e-mail more than you love me.
My phone that has e-mail doesn't leave a casserole dish...
in the sink for three days.
What about that time you made a cake?
I love you too.
“Ahoy, sexy. Are you around this week?"
"Ahoy, sexy"?
That is actually very gay.
Am I nautically sensual?
You're funny.
Lev didn't laugh at any of my jokes.
You are so funny.
Should I text him back...
“Starboard anal sex”?
No.
Tell me the story of us.
Again?
All right, Frances.
We are gonna take over the world.
You'll be this awesomely bitchy publishing mogul.
And you'll be this famous modern dancer...
and I'll publish a really expensive book about you.
That d-bags we make fun of will put on their coffee tables.
- And we'll co-own a vacation apartment in Paris. - And we'll have lovers.
- And no children. - And we'll speak at college graduations.
- And honorary degrees. - So many honorary degrees.
- Colleen ? - Yeah.
What time's rehearsal?
It's 4:00. Don't forget to bring your shoes.
- Hey. - Jesus!
Sorry. I'm here.
I don't have time to talk. I'm doing the job of three people.
But I can see you after rehearsal.
I read that article in the Times. You must be so happy.
Yeah, thanks. I forget I make my own work sometimes.
Bu! thanks.
- I usually hate that woman's writing. - Right. Thank you, Frances.
Actually, I had a couple of questions. I'm trying to be proactive about my life.
Ah. Well, I might have some studio space available...
if you want to play with some choreography.
Uh, no, I was wondering if there were...
any more classes at the school I could teach.
I'm a little - I'm kind of broke.
I'll check, but I'm all full up, I think.
I thought so. I'm just proud of myself for asking.
I'll probably be able to use you and some of the other apprentices for the Christmas show.
- I mean, that's something. - That's great.
I just wanted to say I really look up to you...
and I just - I think you're great.
A beat-up old dancer doing paperwork?
I really need to do all this paperwork now.
I'm running rehearsal today, so I'll see you there.
- Bye. - Bye.
And then he was like, "Rachel, you are cold and mean."
And I was like, “Fuck...
that really hurt my feelings.”
And up over the head.
Boom. Perfect. Over and. . . shoulder:
Boom, boom, boom. That was great.
Face each other. Look at each other.
Wrap the head around.
That's nice. That's nice.
Move it around.
That's good, Rachel. That's night.
- All night. Understudies, out.
Understudies, out. Out.
All right. Good. Take it from the beginning.
Plié and straighten...
and plié and straighten...
and relevé and down.
And relevé all the way up and turn...
to the other side...
and all the way down.
And now we have the other foot in front.
And plié and straighten and plié -
- Ahoy, sew! - Ahoy, sexy!
- There's no service. - Sometimes there is for a second.
What is going on with that phone, lady?
I didn't want to do it without knowing it was okay with you first.
- Do what? - I want to move into this apartment with Lisa.
It's this great apartment in Tribeca, which is what I've always wanted...
but I don't want to do it if it's not okay with you.
- Oh. - They need to know by tomorrow...
so I kind of need to say something today.
Who have you been e-mailing?
My parents, for help with the broker's fee.
- You have to pay our rent. - I know.
I'll pay till the end of the lease.
You know, there's only another two months anyway.
Are you okay with it? I really don't want to do it if you're not.
- I thought we were gonna renew our lease. - Yeah, but we never talked about it.
- I could've moved in with Dan. - Not if you broke up.
- That's why we broke up. - Really?
No.
It's literally on my favorite street. Lisa said it was too good to pass up.
- You hate Lisa. - She's okay.
- We make fun of her. - We're both really clean.
I'm busy.
- I wish it was gonna be with you. - Yeah.
- But Lisa found the place. - Right.
Does this train go to DeKalb?
We could always look for a place together, if you want.
But it's really hard to find stuff in Tribeca.
I can't afford Tribeca.
I'm not leaving you. I'm just moving neighborhoods.
What are you doing?
I put my ring on my thumb, and I'm having trouble getting it off.
Hold your hand above your head. It'll drain the blood out.
I look like I'm asking a question.
Ow! Fuck! Fuck!
We bought the kettle together, remember?
At the Mexican superstore? Jesus!
Bring it back! Or buy me another kettle!
Hi. I just - I just got a tax rebate. Do you want to go to dinner?
This is me in the locker room with the Knicks.
- Wow. - Sophie said you liked basketball.
That was just one time.
Oh, crazy.
Oh, yeah. I was goofing around with this vintage Triumph I think I'm gonna buy.
- Motorcycles are so loud. - What?
You can't listen to music when you're on a motorcycle.
But you're on a motorcycle.
- This is me with Jay Leno. - He's such a dick.
I know, but don't you just love him?
- Oh! - No.
- Yes. - No.
Ye- No. Yes.
I'm the one with the tax rebate.
- Can I take it? - Uh - Uh - Uh-
Fine.
Just because you bought dinner doesn't mean I'm gonna sleep with you.
I'm not trying to sleep with you.
- No, I was pretending to be a liberated woman. - Oh. I got it.
Thanks for paying. That was very sweet. You're a lady.
Sorry, but the card didn't go through.
- Do you have another card you want to try? - Oh, shit. Sorry.
- This is a debit card. - Only credit cards or cash.
Okay-
I'm so embarrassed. I'm not a real person yet.
- I got it. - No, no. No.
I'm just gonna go run and get some cash.
- Where's your ATM? - No ATM. Not working.
Is there an ATM that way?
That way? Okay.
All right. I'll ask her. I'll let you know.
Okay, man. See you.
Sorry, that was Benji. My Sophie.
You go to Switzerland?
Have I been to Switzerland? No.
No. I mean, did you go to -
Where were you?
Oh, I - It took me so long to find the -
What the fuck'? You're bleeding.
What? Oh!
- I c- I can't find it. - It's somewhere on your arm.
I - Oh, shit! Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
Oh, damn it. Let me -
No, no. One second.
I'm gonna go... use the bathroom.
- This place is pretty awesome. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - I'm a first responder.
- Ah. You didn't have to do that. - You're injured.
I know, but I'm fine.
- There. - Like a Boy Scout.
Sophie makes fun of me because I can't account for my bruises.
- We're not living together anymore. - Really?
Yeah. I'm gonna have to find a new place.
I can't afford to stay there alone. I was thinking Washington Heights.
The chick in the little room might be moving to Portland next month.
Oh. That's good to know.
You smoke inside?
- Yeah. Don't you? - No.
- Want to? - Yeah.
This makes me feel like a bad mother in 1987.
You want to see my room?
Oh!
- Is this your family? - Nope.
Yo, check it. Vintage lenser.
Eh!
Here we are.
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
- Lev? Honey, you home? - Oh, Benji's home.
So do you do it professionally?
Yes. Well I mean, I'm an apprentice...
but it is a professional dance company.
Oh. I love dance. I dated a dancer in high school...
and her teacher said I could've really had a future in it.
You liar. He's a liar.
No, I'm not. Ask anyone from school.
No, I really love to dance.
It's pretty great. I mean, it's a hard world, but -
- Do us a dance. -I'd feel weird.
Come on. Just one move.
Uh...
That was great.
You should be in this music video a friend is working on.
- I'll hook you guys up. - You guys are like magic.
Is Noodle Champion still open? I'm starving.
- I don't think so. - All we have is - We have eggs.
I want something prepared...
and brought to me.
Wait.
- Bye. It was really good. - I'll call ya. We'll shoot some pigeons.
- I'll let you know about my show. - Yes, please.
- I love your hair. - Thank you.
- Thanks for stopping by. - Bye.
This is the best night I've had since Sophie dumped me.
I should probably go.
Make a left out of the building, take the first right.
- The F is on the other side of the bridge, on East Broadway. - You'll see a 99-cent store.
Okay. Yeah.
I should go.
Is that chick really moving to Portland?
- Yeah. - Before you go, do us another dance.
Okay-
I know when to go out...
or when to stay in.
Get things done.
- What time you get in last night? - Late. Like 1:00.
Why didn't you come in and say hi?
I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep.
I wasn't asleep. I heard you come in.
Then you knew what time I got in?
I'm working on some sample skits for Saturday Night Live.
A producer said I could probably get a job writing for them.
- Cool. - Such a lie.
- Guys, this is Nessa. - Hey.
Hello. I'm Frances.
Lev and I were gonna make bacon-egg bagels. You want some?
Oh, no. Thanks, though. I wanted to go to the Met...
and I have to deposit this check and drop off my laundry.
A whole Sunday planned.
- Ever ridden on a motorcycle? - Once.
It's an '85 Honda Shadow VT700.
- Are you impressed? - Very. Mm-hmm.
So why do you want to live together?
Well, I met Benji through my friend Sophie.
- Where is Sophie these days? - Busy with work.
- Which Sophie? - Sophie Levy.
Get out! I fucked her little brother.
Oh, you fucked Thomas.
- Yeah. - You fucked who?
- How do you know her? - We went to college together, and we're the same person.
- You're that Frances! - But we have different hair.
That's what we say. Yeah, I'm that Frances.
- She speaks so highly of you. - Well, we're best friends.
She's been to my house for Christmas three times.
- Why doesn't she go to her own house? - She's Jewish.
- She was saying last week she loved you. - You saw her last week?
- When did you fuck her brother? - Where were you guys? - I met you last night.
- We were at that restaurant, Po. - Who were you fucking last week, Lev?
Is that a good restaurant?
Was she with - Who was she with?
Me and Thomas and that guy she dates, Patch.
- Double-date. - And some girl. Lena?
- Lisa. Cunt. - Who were you fucking last week, Frances?
- I make love. - Frances: undateable.
- Aren't you a lot older than Sophie? - No. We went to college together.
- Hmm. You seem older. - I'm a couple months older.
Like, a lot older...
but less, like, grown up.
It's weird. You have an older face.
But, like, you don't have your shit together.
Nessa can't come from sex. Only 69.
That's a crazy helmet.
Got to. Motorcycle law. Can you leave that rent check?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll just put it on your desk.
- 950, right? - Nope, 1,200.
I don't, um -
When I moved in, we said 950.
Nope. The whole space is 4,000, but the little room's only 1,200.
No, she's right. We said we could pay that much until she got more cash.
Remember? Because when I do the Christmas show...
- I'll make more because I'll be doing ten shows a week. - Oh, right.
So we're good with 950'? That's okay? I'm really sorry.
No prob.
Catch you on the flip side.
He leaves so easily.
Well, transportation's his thing.
Bike, skateboard. He has a car too.
I can't even get out of the house on my feet.
You know what Virginia Woolf book this reminds me of?
Frances: undateable.
Want to watch a mo vie?
- Now? - Yeah. Let's do a movie afternoon.
I already wasted the whole day. I already feel bad.
I think it's a great day.
I ate an egg bagel that Lev's slut made me.
I Internet-acquired three pairs of very rare Ray-Bans.
I'm doing awesome.
I thought we were both broke.
I caved and finally took a loan from my stepdad.
Bastard. I need a fucking job, though.
- What about SNL ? - Yeah, maybe.
It's gone so downhill.
Till then, it's after 3:00.
I can drink.
Let's do something fun.
- We could go to a movie. - Movies are so expensive now.
Yeah, but you're at the movies.
I should be saving so I can pay full rent.
Well, I'm not gonna force you.
I have to work out, at least.
I cannot get fat.
Do I look old to you?
No. Yes.
- How old? - Older than I am?
- Older than 27? - No.
Twenty-seven is old, though.
Isn't this place amazing?
- Is that an Eames chair? - Yeah.
- Isn't this great? - Total rich-kid apartment.
The boys just have good eyes. They find stuff all the time.
Do you know who Lev Shapiro's dad is?
He doesn't get along with his dad. Lev and Benji are artists.
Exactly. The only people who can afford to be artists in New York are rich.
I'm an artist. I'm not rich.
You are rare.
We need whiskeys.
It's just, this apartment is very... aware of itself.
Everyone who comes here loves it. I love it.
The three of us are hilarious together.
We're like a sitcom: My Two Husbands.
Oh, that's great. I'm really happy for you, Frances.
Thank you, Sophie.
Ladies.
Lev Shapiro, you know Sophie?
Of course. Still beautiful.
- How is the publishing business? - You know, not good.
How's sculpture?
Amazing-ng-ng.
Oh. My boyfriend likes that artist you work for.
- Tell your boyfriend he can talk to me if he wants to buy something. - I will.
Are we buying art now? Is that the point we're at?
- I need to get clean. Ladies. - Bye.
- Lev would totally date you. - I have a boyfriend.
But isn't he charming and so handsome?
You could be over here all the time. it would be great.
Then you wouldn't have to spend all that time with Lisa.
- Right. I could fuck him just to not hang outwith Lisa.
Don't mind me. I'm just trying to get your attention.
How could you not want to date him? He's kind of magic.
Because I'm with Patch.
Patch is the kind of guy...
who buys a black leather couch...
and is like, “I love it.”
- What are we doing with our day? - I got to get going around 5:00.
- I thought we were hanging out. - We are.
- All day. - I have plans with Patch tonight. I told you.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. I texted that to you.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.
- Here. - We're not doing that.
That's shitty. It's not court.
- I did text you, though. - I believe you.
- You don't have to believe me. I did text you. - Want to see my room?
I kind of have a crush on this boy, but his name is Georgie...
so I don't really know how far it's gonna go.
- Can't fuck a Georgie. - “I want you inside me, Georgie."
- Have you been dating anyone? - Nope.
- Oh, Frances. - It's fine.
- What about Benji? - Benji thinks I'm undateable.
It's really funny when he does it. You and I are both undateable.
Guys can't handle us. We're gonna end up spinsters.
You better break that to Patch.
Boys are easier. Girls are passive-aggressive.
Boys are just like, "Clean up your shit."
You're still messy.
I've been busy.
No, it wasn't a criticism. I meant it as a nice thing.
You will always be messy, and you will always look at yourself too much in the mirror.
- When did I look at myself in the mirror? - Always. You just were doing it.
There are so many mirrors in this apartment.
I don't want you to change.
I like your clothes everywhere and your mirror thing. It's sweet.
- You have stuff too. - What?
You judge people who aren't as moderate as you are.
- I do not. - You do, and you don't read.
- Hey, bitches! - Benji! You're crazy!
- Want to see my room? - Sure.
- Hey, guys, this is Lindsay. - Hi.
I wish we had cookies.
I wish we had Chessmen.
- Good show tonight. - You too.
- You were beautiful tonight. - Thank you.
- Hey. - Hi. Sorry.
I'm so slow. I have trouble leaving places.
You were great tonight.
Thanks.
Frances, I wanted to tell you...
so you would have some days to process it:
We won't be able to use you in the Christmas show.
I'm really sorry.
What?
- I'm really sorry. You know what bad shape the company's in. - I know.
We can talk about next steps when we're back in February.
- Am I fired? - No.
I just- I like you...
and I want to talk about the future and make sure it's what you want.
- I want to be in the company. - I know.
Take your time.
I will. I can't help it.
Oh, my love! I'm so glad you're here!
You were great. Really great.
- Could you see me? - We were in the risers, so we could see to the back.
- Who? - Sorry. Had to take a leak.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Shall we all go out for a quick drink?
“A quick drink”?
- Yeah, we have to get up early tomorrow. - Tomorrow's Saturday.
We have to catch a flight. We're meeting my parents in the Galapagos.
I haven't packed yet. You know me.
- Last-minute Mabel. - Ronald Rule-follower.
I want us to be family, you know?
I can be part of your family, don't you think?
Patch, I love you - I want to love you -
but I need you to get drunk.
- How are we doing? - Really good.
We'll get a bottle of your most expensive vodka for the table...
and then all of the stuff that comes with it.
Very good.
- Sophie. - Yes?
- Come with me. - Where? - Bathroom.
Really? We're still doing this?
Patch, you got this, money-wise?
Yep.
I was lying. I don't love Patch.
- I do love him. - Since when? When did this happen?
- It's been happening. - That's fucking bullshit. Come on!
No, you're bullshit. And you're making me feel really bad right now.
- I want to love him if you love him, but you don't love him. - I do.
Sophie, I fucking held your head while you cried.
I bought special milk for you. I know where you hide your pills.
Don't treat me like a three-hour-brunch friend!
I'm not talking to you while you're like this.
- We have to go. - I'm going.
- We can stay if you want. - Come on, get your stuff.
I'm going. You fucking sit down!
Enjoy the Galapagos.
I'm also going on vacation. A long one.
I'll set up my e-mail so it sends out a vacation e-mail.
My voice mail will also say I'm on vacation...
so if you get that, don't worry - I'm on vacation.
I'll try to give you a call when I get back. Thanks, guys.
This was great.
- You're cleaning? - I'm not messy. I'm busy.
I don't make the bed. Sophie always made the bed.
I'm so happy you're home. I had such a shitty night.
Tsk. Oh, sorry, kid.
I had a great night. I cracked the second act of my script. I'm on page 68.
Oh, that's exciting. Is it for SNL?
No, this is a sample script I'm writing for the third Gremlins.
- Boy trouble tonight? - Sophie trouble.
- Undateable. - And I kind of-
I - I-l got temporarily fired.
I've been fired a million times. Makes you cool.
Yeah, but if I don't have the Christmas show...
I can't... pay rent.
Do you have any tunes?
Wait right there.
It's a jammer.
- It's great. - I know.
- I love it. Put it on my mix. - Aren't these headphones tits?
I just got 'em. They're super-duper noise-canceling...
so I don't have to hear Lev fuck.
- Oh, no. - All right.
Lev and I were talking about getting a maid to come once a week.
- A maid? - Yeah, it's not that expensive.
It's like 400 bucks a month.
Do you know I'm actually poor?
You aren't poor.
There are poor people. You aren't one of them.
You'd feel poor if you had as little money as I do.
But you're not poor. That's offensive to actual poor people.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
You want -
- You want to hear something hilarious? - Yes.
Lev thinks we're gonna end up married.
I'm too tall to marry.
You are.
That's so funny. Why does he think that?
Well, I did want to sleep with you when I first met you.
But now - totally undateable.
I guess we are like a married couple in a way. We talk. We don't have sex.
Yeah, we get along super well.
Sophie and I were like that too.
Right, but Sophie's a girl...
and you're both straight, so it had less, like...
real-world probability.
Right. Well -
Okay. I'm done.
I hope I don't have the spins when I lie down.
Just lay on your back by the edge of the bed...
and put one foot on the floor.
It helps.
Good night, then.
Good night.
- Good luck with Gremlins. - Three.
Open? Shut?
Shut, I guess.
- I don't know. Does it matter? - I'll leave it open...
so if you need to throw up or cry or something, you can call me.
Thanks, yeah. Open.
Welcome to Sacramento International Airport...
gate way to Northern California.
- Hi! - Hi, honey. So glad you're home.
- Good to see you. - Hi, Rosie!
- People are lamenting being 28, Chris? - I know. I can't handle it.
Bacon. Bacon like it was chips.
I'll send it. I didn't want to load you down with photos.
- I like this picture. - I'll send it to you.
I love - I love that trumpet!
Integrity and acceptance.
We seek spiritual growth.
- Intellectual stimulation. - Intellectual stimulation.
It's kind of far away from her. There aren't any trains.
What about subways?
Look, look. These - These look good.
- Okay. - Look at those legs.
Does that hurt?
- Nope, you're numb. Won't feel a thing. - Will it hurt when I'm not numb?
Frances ?
I'm in here.
Come on, honey. I really, really need to get in there.
- I'll be out in a second. - Frances, how much longer?
- Are these new cutting boards? - Mm-hmm.
As soon as I found red ones, there I was.
- We have to make - - More tamales.
- I can't believe Mom gave our tamales away. - Well, Mom, you know -
- What's this one? Did I make this? - You made that.
Oh, here's the green ballerina. This is the one.
- The green ballerina? - You were the green girls - Chandra and her mother.
Right. Yeah, that was our level. We were level green.
- Bye. I love you. - Bye, honey.
- It was a great trip. - Yeah, I'll call you...
as soon as I'm back in New York. Bye.
Bye.
- Ahoy, sexy! - Oh, hey.
Stop thanking me.
It just means a lot, letting me stay with you.
I want you to know, you are definitely getting a thank-you note.
Don't worry.
Hey, have you ever done where you, like, play fight?
- Why? - Because it's funny. To be funny.
- I don't want to. - It's super fun.
Um, so just come at me.
No.
Okay, well, then, I'll just -
Stop it! Damn it!
Sorry. You have to fight back.
Stop it! I said stop!
Oh. S-Sorry.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. He's the most beautiful creature.
He's in the 90 percentile for height and 95 for weight.
But it evens out later, when they walk. It doesn't mean he'll be fat.
No!
- Eh, you're getting a phone call. - Oh.
It's so funny when people have kids, and they're all...
“I used to be so focused on me, and now I'm totally not.” it's like, no.
It's still you. It's half you. it's a mini-you.
I mean, you made it.
- I forgot to eat today. - The only time you hear the phrase...
“I'm not here to make friends” is on reality television.
- Oh! Sorry. - It's okay.
- I'm so sorry. - No, I'm trying to not drink right now.
- I'm sorry. - Don't be.
You're not the one who's bat-shit crazy after four vodkas.
Janelle had a hard time giving it up when she was pregnant.
I did, yeah. I totally understand.
What do you do?
- What? - What do you do? It's such a stupid question, I thought I'd ask it.
Oh, no. I'm - I'm a lawyer.
- What do you do? - That's such a stupid question.
Just kidding. Um, it's kind of hard to explain.
Because what you do is complicated?
Uh, because I don't really do it.
- I am a dancer, I guess. - Mm.
Frances and I are in the same company.
But Rachel's in the main company. I'm an apprentice.
Hopefully the touring company soon. I have a meeting with Colleen on Monday.
- Oh, cool. - Yeah.
But things are really great.
Rachel and I have a really cool apartment.
Or Rachel does, and I'm staying there for six-ish weeks.
- Five. - Right. Five. Yeah.
But everything's up in the air right now.
I like being alone.
- I just got back from Sacramento. - Oh!
Oh, Andy and Janelle just got back from Paris.
Six and a half hours on a plane with a baby.
Won't be doing that again soon. But it was heaven.
Do you ever get to Paris?
Uh, no, not really. Kind of, once.
Actually, no. What's that museum...
with the escalators and tubes?
- The Pompidou. - Yeah!
They have this great place in the Sixth.
- Oh, it's a little pied-a-terre. - Literally?
Yeah, but it's a really special place.
Yeah, it's just so hard to get to spend any time there...
since I got the job at the Journal... and the baby.
I'd love to go to Paris. I'll bet it's magic.
Uh, my friend from college, Abby...
who moved there with her boyfriend because he works at a bank...
in college, she was one of the top five group of friends...
but then Zoe became closer to the group and Abby moved...
to the outer circle.
Sophie and Abby never totally got along...
and then she started dating Paul...
who I always thought would've dated any of us...
but... he ended up with Abby.
Well, if you're ever there...
- we like for it to be used. - Yeah.
I don't see myself getting there super soon...
but... thanks, thanks.
That is a very sexy dress.
Fuck, I sound like a gay grandmother.
Frances, I think you know one of my colleagues at Goldman -
Reade “Patch” Krause.
Yeah, I know Patch. “'Sup, brah?”
That's him. Nobody is better...
at anticipating inflection points than Patchy.
His girlfriend, Sophie, and I are the same person with different hair.
Not really. We went to college together...
and we used to take the train into the city on weekends and make bad decisions.
- You got pregnant? - What? No.
She's a great lady. I really like her. So smart.
Yeah. I mean - Yeah.
I mean, we're all smart.
Yeah, but she's... book-smart smart.
She's actually not. She doesn't really read...
except for work, which is the funny thing.
She seems like she reads a lot to me.
- I read way more. - Mm-hmm.
I don't know why I'm shit-talking Sophie. She's basically the best person I know.
- It's kind of crazy though, right? - Mm, yeah.
- Which part? - Japan.
Japan?
Yeah, they're moving to Japan in a couple of weeks.
- Wait. What? - Patch got transferred.
it's a really cool position. He's gonna be...
the director of research for all the Asian markets.
For how long?
Indefinitely.
But Sophie has a job at Random House.
She quit.
Oh.
The Pilates thing is nice. You feel so good.
Frances and I do a lot of yoga. It"s good for dance.
It's fun to go with somebody, to have a friend to go with.
I think I'm better-looking than I am in pictures.
Nadia ?
I want this one moment.
It's - it's what I want in a relationship...
which might explain why I am single now. Ha, ha.
It's, uh -
It's kind of hard lo -
it's that thing when you're with someone...
and you love them and they know it...
and they love you and you know it...
but it's a party...
and you're both talking to other people...
and you're laughing and shining...
and you look across the room...
and catch each other's eyes...
but - but not because you're possessive...
or it's precisely sexual...
but because...
that is your person in this life.
And ifs funny and sad, but only because...
this life will end, and it's this secret world...
that exists right there...
in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about.
It's sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist...
all around us, but we don't have the ability to perceive them.
That's -
That's what I want out of a relationship.
Or just life, I guess.
Love.
I sound stoned.
I'm not stoned.
Thanks for dinner. Bye.
Oh. Bye.
Where the fuck are you going?
I'm kinda wasted. I was gonna go home. Is that okay?
I don't care. I was just kidding.
- Thanks so much for having me tonight. - Nice to have met you.
Good luck, Frances.
You're leaving.
Actually, Andy...
I think I might be going to Paris this weekend.
Really?
Oh. D-Do you want to stay in our apartment?
Yes.
- Fantastic. - Okay.
That's wonderful. I'll get you the information.
- Wonderful. - Great.
Frances!
- Benji! - Hey!
I knew it was you. I could tell by your weird man walk.
- A beard! - Yeah.
- Hello. - This is Caroline.
I'm Caroline.
How are the dances, Frances?
- Frances and I used to be married. - What are you guys doing? You want to get a drink?
We're going to my friend's party. it's a house party.
- I mean, that's the theme. - How's that a theme?
- Amazing, right? - And it's in an apartment.
- You can come if you want. - No, I really -
I shouldn't. I'm going to Paris for two days.
- What? - Why so short?
I have a meeting with Colleen on Monday.
- I don't know you. - Wait, I thought you were poor.
I'm gonna use this credit card I got in the mail.
That's not smart. They want to keep you in debt.
I know that. I see documentaries.
Good for you, kid. I lived there for a year.
- You never told me that. - Yep. I was there when Serge Gainsbourg died.
- It was a crazy time. - Weren't you, like, eight?
- Yeah, it was the end of Euro-disco. - I have so much to do.
I think I'll probably read Proust...
because sometimes it's good to do what you're supposed to when you're supposed to.
Proust is pretty heavy.
- It's worth it, I hear. - I meant the book - carrying it on the plane.
I should probably learn French first...
and then read it in French.
Undateable.
Well, kid, we've gotta run.
- Nice meeting you. - Oh, you too. You're very pretty.
- Thank you. - See you around, weirdo.
Hey, Abby, it's Frances. I just got in.
Uh, I'm going to this...
free apartment of this dude.
Right now I'm gonna get some sleep...
uh, but call me.
I'll be around all tomorrow. I'd love to see you and Paul.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Abby, ifs Frances again.
Do you guys want to meet for dinner? I can meet you anywhere.
I'll be the girl with the acne holding more acne.
- Hello? - Frances ?
Sophie! Oh, my God! Hi! Hi!
- Hi. - Hi.
I called you to tell you I'm moving to Japan with Patch.
Is that good? Are you excited?
I know things are weird between us, but...
we're having a kind of going-away party tonight...
and I wanted to say you're invited.
I'm -
- I can't. - You don't have to lie.
I'm not lying. I'm really not.
- That's awesome about Japan. - It's crazy.
Last week Patch's boss called Patch into his office...
and was like, “Japan, bitch.”
I wish I could come tonight.
Me too.
- We could get dinner next week. - Why now? No, I want to...
but Patch's grandfather is real sick...
and we're all going to Chicago for these special treatments.
Being sick when you're rich is totally awesome.
They replace all his cells or something.
We'll be back to New York a lot. We'll just be based in Tokyo.
- You'll learn Japanese. - We can videochat. Twenty-first century. What up?
- My computer doesn't have that. - New places are good for you.
- Yeah. - You should travel, Fran.
I am. I will.
I'm going to.
I'm really happy for you. I just -
No, you know What? I'm just really happy for you.
- We're gonna have a blog. - Together?
Yeah. Barf.
We'll upload pictures and stories and stuff.
I'm so sorry I missed your Christmas show.
- I guess I was mad. - I didn't -
I wasn't so good anyway.
How's all that going?
Good. Great.
I'm meeting on Monday with Colleen to talk about stuff.
You'll finally be in the company? For real?
Yeah. I'll probably be touring, though.
That's so great, Fran.
Yeah, it is.
Where are you living? I heard you're not with the boys anymore.
Hey, do you want to live in our apartment while we're in Japan ?
No, I- No.
I'm gonna have my own place real soon.
Maybe one day I'll stay with you.
Maybe.
I should go. Thanks for calling.
I'm - I'm sor- I'm sorry too.
- Apology accepted. - Don't be a dick about it. - I wasn't.
- This phone call's costing me a fortune. - Why?
Just kidding. It's not.
Hey, Is Abby in Paris night now, do you know?
- I think so. - Okay.
- You sound really good, Frances. - I am.
I am really good.
Thank you for calling. I'm going to say something now...
but I don't want you to feel obligated to say anything back, so I'm gonna hang up right away.
I love you, Sophie. Bye.
Hello. When did Puss in Boots start?
Hi, Frances. Honey, we just got your messages.
I don't know why they didn't come through before.
We're here. We'd love to see you.
This is so wild.
You remember Gerard, Nicolas' brother?
The one who looks like Jean-Pierre Léaud?
Well, he's divorced now, and hes staying with us.
I think you'd really like him. Come to dinner tonight.
He'll be there, as well as a philosopher...
and a painter couple who are really great.
Oh! This is such good timing.
Hey, you. Come on in.
- Rachel said you were in Paris. - I was.
- Back so soon? - Well, we had this meeting.
We could've moved it. I mean, I almost canceled it...
myself this morning.
I woke up with this tickle in my throat.
Listen, do you want to take over Nancy's position?
- Nancy, who works in the office? - She 3 pregnant.
Oh. No, I don't. Who told you that?
No, I'm asking you.
I assumed you're not keeping on with the company.
- You don't want to be an apprentice for life. - Nope.
You should think about putting your own stuff together.
- Like how? - Like, your own work.
Oh, no. I kind of gave that up after college.
Plus, that was basically like...
cheerleaders doing my choreography.
- I always liked the stuff you did, even for the kids. - Yeah?
You really should think about taking Nancy's position.
It's not a lot of money, but it's enough to keep you going.
- Why would I do that? - It's just a good day job...
while you figure out whether you want to choreograph.
- You say it like it's easy. - No, it's not easy.
But if you work here, you can use the studio space.
No.
I'll get something else. I'm really close to getting something.
- A job? - Yeah. Dancing. I'm still gonna be a dancer. Just not here.
Wow! Well, good for you. That's great.
I know.
Well, good luck to you, Frances.
Yeah. Good luck to you too.
- Hi Mom. - Hi honey.
- H1i Mom. - Tom, pick up the other phone.
- How is it up there? - Good. Good.
I I'm dancing, kind of
I get to live in a dorm I didn't live in, which is fun.
- All the RAs live in dorms. - Not the one in the living room. The battery is dead.
- Is it strange to be back? - It's nice.
It's so empty in summer.
It's weird. It's like I went back to college, but everyone was a dancer and not a semiotics major.
- That must be fun for you, though. - And now I'm one of the adults.
- I keep thinking I'm gonna run into Sophie. - Hi, honey.
I got a picture of Sophie and Patch in the largest dog park in Japan.
- I think I'd like that. - I got a picture of them at a porn> mall.
- Do you have enough money? - Yeah. I mean...
I'm still in debt from Paris. That was just stupid.
- I'm sorry we can't help you out. - You help out so much.
I'll be okay. They pay me extra to work the events.
- Oh, you aren't a good waitress. - It's not waitressing. It's like pouring for donors.
- Are you choreographing? - Tom, we went over this.
At least you can't spend money in nature.
- Where are you right now? - Nature.
We don't have to, like, guide them personally, do we?
We just have to make sure they don't fuck or die.
- Ah, good, because I'm having a Walden's Pond moment. - You have a pond?
I found something out about Walden's Pond:
It was five minutes from his mom's house.
He used to go over there and get supplies.
- So where are you? - Here.
- No, where do you go to college? - I don't. I'm not -
I'm done with college. But I went here when I was younger.
Weird. For some reason, I thought you had to be in college to do this.
Nope. I just wanted to get out of the city...
and I knew the director of the summer program, so she hooked it up.
They had room and board. I'm working the events to make more money.
- You're super responsible. - No, I'm not.
It wasn't that long ago that I went here. I'm only 27.
- Are you with the program? - Yes, I'm assisting.
- Great. So you're a teacher. - No, I'm not.
- I'm an RA, but I'm also a dancer. - I'm so sorry.
- For what? - Resident assistants can't take class.
But I'm - I'm not just an RA.
I'm so sorry. I don't make the rules.
- I'm a dancer, and I went here. - Sorry. I have to start class.
You're a really good waitress.
I'm not a waitress. I just pour.
- You were supposed to be on duty ten minutes ago. Shh! - I'm sorry. I -
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm just gonna sit here, okay?
You don't have to do that.
I'm just going to, though.
Are you gonna study abroad there?
Oh, no. I'm not a student.
There's no more “abroad.”
I'm half Japanese.
My best friend kind of lives there now.
Are you done?
Ma'am, you can't smoke here.
- Oh, sorry. - No, don't throw it!
Goddamn it!
Famous, how?
She's a senator or a congress woman or something.
- She's important. - I should read the news more.
Your job tonight is to follow her.
Just make sure she's taken care of. She just gave a ton of money to the school.
So you don't leave until she leaves. Got it?
When I went here, it was all girls.
To meet a boy, we had to take the fuck truck to Hoboken.
You went here? Excuse me. You went to here?
- Yes. - Oh, my God. That makes so much sense.
I knew you looked familiar. You were on the freakin' brochure.
- I'm Frances. I went here. - Nice to meet you, Frances.
You too. Sorry, sorry. I'm not supposed to talk to you.
- I'm pouring. - Ah, yes.
You're very inspiring.
Actually, the endowment has grown.
Oh, you look so lonely. I'll see you later, Karen.
You look like a painting: The Lonely Boy.
I'm actually a painter.
- You're kidding. - No.
What kind of painter are you?
You don't care.
- You hate me! - I don't hate you. I love you.
You bought the cheapest auction thing. The cheapest!
I didn't even go here!
You gave a great speech.
I seriously can't believe you're an independent, because that's bullshit.
Sorry. Sophie, let's go.
I went here. I thought you were great. I made him give money.
Good. Nice to meet you.
We live in Japan, so it's, like, crazy we're here.
That's wonderful you came all the way back for the auction.
I wish. No, we're in New York for a funeral. His grandpa.
- I wanted to come here. He drove, but it was my idea. - Ah.
- I'm sorry for your loss. - It's okay.
- His grandpa had a psycho family in Germany. - Sophie, let's go.
I loved meeting you. A real honor.
This douche is my affianced.
- Ah. - We're engaged.
You're engaged?
It's not... “engaged” engaged.
Right. What?
We're back for a funeral. I would've called, but you were touring with the company.
Yeah, right, I was, but I needed a break...
and I thought it would be so funny...
to come back to the college for the summer.
It is funny. In a great way.
And, yeah, just making extra money doing this kind of gig.
Yeah.
What a slut!
- Are you okay? Do you need some food? - I'll just eat this.
- I really didn't expect to see you. - Ditto.
It's almost hard to be happy about it, because I didn't have time to anticipate it.
Want to get out of here?
I can't.
I have to shadow this woman.
She's my ward.
- I want to drive. - No, you're too fucked up.
- You're fucked up. - No, I'm not. I drank fucking Perrier.
I'm not going beck to New York. I don't want to go to the funeral tomorrow.
- You have to go! - I'm hanging outwith Frances. We're going to the mall.
- No, we're not. - I'm bringing Frances to the funeral.
I don't want to go.
You didn't even know your grandpa. You didn't hang out.
It's a funeral. It doesn't matter. Get in the car!
If you're so broken up, why did we go to the auction?
- You made me go! - I don't want you here!
You were wasted! And I wasn't going to let you drive.
- Goddamn it, Sophie! - Frances, what do you think?
- About what? - You don't need to answer.
- How sad were you really when your grandpa died? - Pretty sad.
I wasn't, and I don't see why you should be. Your grandpa was a cheating Nazi!
He was not a Nazi!
Take your feet off the dash! Frances, where do you live?
- Chuggins. - Is that a dorm?
- Yes. - How the fuck do you get to Chuggins?
Oh, this is me, right up here.
My dorm.
Chuggins. We never lived in this dorm.
I know. It's like the life I never had.
Anyway...
congratulations on your engagement.
And sorry for your loss.
You are so fucking selfish.
- Good night, Frances. - Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.
- She's my friend. She doesn't even like you. - I like you.
I like you too, Frances.
Hey. Hey, come in.
- Can I stay? - Of course.
Come. Stay.
It's made in the microwave, but it's good.
Thank you.
I hope it's okay I borrow loungewear.
- Of course. - I think I'm gonna -
Oh! Okay, okay. Here. Shit.
I'm sorry I was so drunk I threw up.
I'm sorry I live in a dorm...
and have a single bed.
Here. You lay on the outside.
Okay.
Lay on your back and put one foot on the floor.
It helps if you have the spins.
I used to throw up all the time when I was pregnant.
You were pregnant?
In Japan, for a few weeks.
And then I miscarried, which was cool.
Wow.
That sounds crass. Miscarriage is not cool.
- Would you have had it? - No.
- Are you gonna marry Patch? - No.
I can't believe that pregnant is no longer crazy.
I don't want to stay in Tokyo. I hate it there.
- Really? - Yeah.
And then when I got pregnant, I was just like, “Get me the fuck out."
But your blog looks so happy.
I don't think my mom would read it if it were about depression.
My mom would.
I was telling the truth. I like Patch.
I don't hate him.
I know.
I'm sorry about -
It's just, if something funny happens on the way to the deli...
you'll only tell one person, and that'll be Patch...
and I'll never hear about it.
Fuck, I'm tired.
It's bedtime for all good children.
I want to leave Patch and leave Tokyo and come back to New York.
- You should. - I'm going to.
I could - I don't know. I could - I could help you.
I was gonna say, “You could live with me”...
but I don't have a home.
- I am going to do it. - Fuck, yeah, girl.
I miss my job.
I miss old skyscrapers.
Maybe we'll move back to New York at the same time and be like...
women who rediscover themselves after a divorce.
- That's what my mom did. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.
No. I think it'll be great.
We should get apartments close to each other in Brooklyn.
Yeah. That's what we'll do.
I've always felt so competitive with you.
Really?
I don't think I realized we were competitive.
- Fran? - Yes?
Can you - I know it's not my bed, but -
What?
Can you take off your socks ?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
It's just, you know - socks in bed.
Right. Gross.
I love you, Frances.
Good night.
I love you, Sophie.
Good night.
F, I'm sorry I was so drunk last night...
but' thank you for being nice to me, which I know you were, even though I don't remember it.
All I know is you don't have a trash can this morning, so it must've been bad.
Ha, ha. I love you.
I've got to get back to this funeral in New York.
Call me when you're a wake. My phone works in the States...
and there aren't any charges or anything.
XOXO. Sophie.
Sophie!
Sophie! Sophie!
How can they be so nasty?
I'm sorry.
- Probably head back in about five. - Yes, hi. This is Frances.
Yes, “Frances for tonight.”
Thanks.
I just wanted to double-check that we're still on for me bringing my guys in a little early.
Okay. Great. I'll see you in 30.
I think the other two groups will be here by 6:45.
We'll be done by then. Thanks.
- Hey! - Good to see you.
Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming.
Urn, over there.
Then you guys rest for a second. Can I see the two of you?
- Okay. - Cue one...
into the master, and you're all set.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Yea!
Fuck you guys. You got married.
- We did. - What?
- Yeah. - Hi.
Hey. That was great.
Oh, thanks, Ben.
I like things that look like mistakes.
No, at times it reminded me of -
Did you see the exhibit at the Met...
about the textiles that influenced Matisse?
That's what your piece reminded me of-
not the paintings, but the textiles.
- Hmm. - Undateable.
- Me? - No, I meant me that time.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Textiles.
Yeah, but also true. Meaning I'm not dating anyone.
- Undateable. Same difference. - Oh.
Are you really still, uh - Are you undateable?
You mean, am I - Oh. Oh, yes.
Yes. Very undateable.
It was so interesting, and so you.
- Oh, thank you. - To me it came right out.
I really appreciate that.
Yeah. It's a huge accomplishment. it's a huge piece.
Yeah, I- I know. It's a lot of people.
Thank you.
It's just great.
I have to say, it just...
is so impressive to me.
Who - Who are you making eyes at?
That's Sophie. She's my best friend.
I know when to go out...
or when to stay in.
Get things done.
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