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[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
There's no place like home.
I'm sorry, I just...
[STOP PLAYING PIANO]
This isn't working for me.
What is it now, Imogene?
Okay.
I don't know about you, Ms. Rossi,
but there's not a chance in hell that I'd go back
to some crap-farm in Kansas.
After seeing all that Oz has to offer.
I mean, it makes zero sense.
- You guys are with me on this, right? - Mmm-mmm.
That is the way this story ends.
It's a classic!
It's also a little provincial, if you ask me.
I didn't.
Can I at least suggest a more appropriate line?
No! You will do the lines as written
or I am giving the lead to Stacy!
[enemas]
There's no place like home.
Home is really fabulous!
Home is where the heart is!
Blah... Blah... Blah.
[PHONE RINGING]
IMOGENE: Joe, I need a taxi.
No problem.
- This is Peter. Leave a message. - [JOE WHISTLES]
IMOGENE: Hi, it's me again.
You never came home, so I assume we're meeting there?
Uh, I hope you're okay.
Call me.
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Peter. Leave a message.
IMOGENE: Hey, it's me.
If you get there first, would you wait outside?
I'd really like to walk in together.
Oh, by the way, I just passed the place
where you held my hand for the first time.
Call me, please.
Call me.
Shit.
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Peter. Leave a message.
IMOGENE: Okay, I just got here,
and I'm walking in. Are you here?
I'm here. I'm putting my phone on vibrate.
So just text me so I can find you. I'm here. Bye.
- Hi. Imogene Duncan. - Mmm-hmm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[SIGHING]
Two years ago, a young man from Newark
broke into the Whitney Museum by smashing a window with a brick.
He wanted to look at the pictures.
[SIGHING]
The crime committed that night had nothing to do with breaking windows,
or living in New Jersey.
It had to do with denying a child.
Hey, where were you?
I was stuck on a call.
And that's why the Where The Art ls Foundation was created,
so that no child ever has to break a window again.
DARA: You know, the idea just sort of came to me,
when James and I were on our honeymoon.
And I realized that I want to be more than just a wife,
and an author, and an interior designer.
I know, I've been thinking the same thing.
You know, it's been weighing on me.
But are you even married?
Oh. Mostly. Basically.
We live together, and we've talked about it.
Peter's family is Dutch.
Yeah, and they're a very progressive people.
You know, they believe in a spiritual union, where your souls are bound.
That's what he said to me, which is very romantic.
It's like how gay people used to get married.
Oh, Austen and I are starting a charity for that.
For gay people?
His younger sister is a lesbian,
and we just really wanted to get involved.
- Wonderful! - HANNAH: Wow!
I didn't realize she was a lesbian.
GEORGINA: I knew she was a lesbian.
I mean, I went to Spence.
Oh, I heard Andover had a lot of them, too.
Yeah, I know.
Isn't that where you went to school, Imogene?
Andover? No, that was Peter.
So, where did you...
DARA: She's from New Jersey.
SLOANE: Oh.
I love that sculpture
of Abe Lincoln.
That is phenomenal...
He's got a little smirk. [CHUCKLES]
What's he thinking?
[SIGHING] I'm stuffed.
They really went all out tonight. it was so fun.
You know, tonight really made me contemplate how lucky we are.
And all the beauty that we just take for granted.
You know, all the museums, the park.
[SIGHING] The 100-year-old buildings.
- The trees... - Imogene,
I should move out.
What?
I've already started looking at apartments.
- What are you talking about? - Look,
I can help you with rent for a couple months
until you figure out what to do.
You're serious? Peter!
You said our souls were bound. You said that.
I told people that you said that!
This isn't about souls, all right?
This is about whether two people really go together.
[SCOFFS]
[IMOGENE WHIMPERING]
[SNIFFLING]
[SIGHING]
[WHIMPERING]
[SOBS]
Imogene? Libby wants to see you in her office.
Right away.
Is that your family?
Oh! Yeah. That's the gang.
- The Vineyard? - Every summer since I was born.
What about your family?
Um... I grew up in the Atlantic City area, near the beach, so...
Then every day was like summer, right?
No, every day was not like summer.
Every day was like being impaled with a blunt, wooden object,
over and over again. [CHUCKLING SOFTLY]
Anyway, I called you in here
because I had a chance to read over your blurbs.
And, um, yeah, see, I can't turn these in to Dan.
- Why not? - Well...
First off, because you called Dames At Sea,
"An insignificant, if not irritating,
"amalgam of lackluster performances and sitcom one-liners."
Have you seen it? Because that's putting it very nicely.
It won the Tony.
And, you know, frankly, we don't care whether you think it's good or bad.
You're not a reviewer.
No, see, your job is just to describe
the play in five sentences or less
and make it sound interesting.
Perhaps you weren't aware
that I won the Hollingsworth fellowship for playwriting
or that New York Magazine put me
on their list of playwrights to watch?
I was not aware. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
You're welcome.
Okay.
Well, we certainly don't want to stand in
the way of your burgeoning writing career.
So, uh...
Yeah.
What does "yeah" mean?
Yeah.
[SOFTLY] You can go.
[PHONE BUZZING]
This is Peter.
I know I'm not supposed to call you during work hours,
but I lost my job at the magazine.
And I'm just... [SOBBING]
I'm having a really tough time right now.
And I know it's not your problem, but...
I was just thinking maybe
you could come over and just lay with me for a little bit?
Imogene, I...
- I'm working. - I know, I just...
I don't really trust myself to be alone right now.
What? What do you mean?
I mean I'm afraid if you don't come over I might
do something to myself.
Imogene.
Or maybe I already have.
What did you do?
Just, Peter...
If you love me just say you'll come over. Please?
All right.
IMOGENE: Farewell, world.
My life is but a brief flickering in the darkness.
Too faint to light a room.
And much too soon does the flame burn out.
As the winds of suffering have extinguished my light,
heaven welcomes me with her open embrace.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
DARA: Imogene?
Hello?
Are you in here?
Imogene, you left your door open.
There's also a sign on it. I think your landlord is upset with you.
Imogene, I just stopped by to pick up
those Cartier earrings that I lent you.
Imogene.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Imogene?
Imogene, can you hear me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Imogene.
Hello. Dad?
Daddy, it's Dara.
Oh, my God, Dad.
Imogene is dead!
No, no. She's just dead.
I don't know how to check!
PETER: Imogene.
Imogene.
Oh, my gosh!
Cheers.
[BABY CRYING]
[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]
And the Tony Award for Best Play goes to...
Imogene Duncan!
[APPLAUSE]
I'm such a fan!
No. I'm such a fan.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much. Oh, my gosh!
There's so many people that I want to thank.
But most importantly, my wonderful, Dutch husband, Peter.
I will love you forever. Or should I say...
[SPEAKING DUTCH]
[RETCHING]
IMOGENE: For the 10 millionth time,
I wasn't really trying to kill myself.
DR. CHALMERS: So, you're saying you didn't really want to be reunited
with your dead father for eternity?
IMOGENE: I didn't want to die, okay?
Well, I think the problem you're facing here
is that you wrote a pretty authentic sounding letter.
Really?
You thought it was that good?
Now in your letter, you refer to your dead father.
How old were you when he passed away?
Nine. Seriously, there is no point to this.
Can you tell me about him?
He was just the best.
The smartest man I ever met.
He was like the George Clooney of fathers.
And what about the rest of your family?
Uh... My mom lives in New Jersey with my brother.
She has an impulse control problem,
and I haven't seen them in years.
Can you describe the symptoms of your mother's impulse problem?
Uh, let's see.
Buying 52 pairs of jelly shoes in one year.
Gambling every day. Picking up hitchhikers.
Showing up to a parent-teacher conference wearing a turban.
My brother and I, our birthdays are 84 days apart,
and because of her gambling
she couldn't afford to give us individual birthday parties,
so we had to have a combined birthday party.
Do you have any idea how it feels to have a birthday party
eighty-four days after your actual birthday,
because your mom has an impulse problem?
Okay, well, it doesn't feel very good.
No, it's very sad.
Yeah.
I'm doing okay.
I mean, it's been upsetting for me, but...
ZELDA: Have you ever received a telephone call
of an urgent nature when you're naked?
- I haven't. - I had just gotten out of the shower.
And suddenly this call comes.
Well, we tracked down your information
from old DMV records, Mrs. Duncan.
Are you familiar with a 5150 hold?
Uh... Yes, but I'm sure I paid those tickets. Okay?
And the judge ruled that the second one wasn't even my fault.
This has nothing to do with your driving record, Mrs. Duncan.
A 5150 means that it is our duty to hold anyone
who poses a threat to themselves for at least 72 hours.
However, we have a bit of an overcrowding problem,
which limits us to holding only critical patients
and releasing the others, like your daughter,
into the care of a loved one.
- She said she loved me? - No.
But we have more critical patients that need her bed.
You mean people that, like, jump out of buildings and cut parts off?
That kind of stuff? [CHUCKLES]
Sometimes.
Can I ask you a question? Does that make you really sad?
Uh, Mrs. Duncan, would you be willing to assume responsibility
for the safety and well-being of your daughter for the next 72 hours?
Well, I have to be somewhere later.
But, yes. Of course.
Did I tell you that Gwyneth Paltrow
might come to my book launch party?
- Wow! What a coup. - I know!
It's like my dad's PR guy knows everyone.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh.
I will be back in one second, I have to take this.
Hi.
It's an upsetting night.
Hello.
Imogene, listen, I know you're expecting your boyfriend,
and we've made several attempts to try and...
Peter is coming for me, okay?
Yes, I'm sure Peter cares for you very deeply,
but both your mother and I feel that the best thing
for you right now...
Wait. Did you just say "mother"?
...would be for you to be in the comfort and safety
of those who love you unconditionally.
So your mother is going to take you home with her.
Hi, honey.
IMOGENE: You cannot do this.
Dara! Dara! Tell them you love me unconditionally.
What?
IMOGENE: I can't go with her! Please! Please!
Dara! Tell them I can stay with you until Peter comes for me!
Oh, my gosh, I wish that I could help,
but I don't think that we can accommodate house-guests right now.
What?
- You can't do this to me! - Hold her!
Dara! Call the police!
Imogene, this is going to make your trip home
just a little bit more relaxing.
[GRUNTING]
[ECHOING] Honey...
Your panties are showing.
[GASPS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]
Mom?
GAME ANNOUNCER: Step right up, everybody!
Clear the path.
Bring me a joker.
- Feeling good! - Hey!
- Oh! - What the hell are you doing?
Jesus, don't sneak up on me like that.
You left me in the back seat of your car!
Well, honey, they told me that you were gonna be out for, like, you know, six hours.
You took me against my will!
You know, I could have you arrested for kidnapping.
Imogene, they called me from the hospital.
They said that you had tried to kill yourself
and they were gonna lock you up with schizophrenians.
I mean, you know, what was I supposed to do? Leave you there?
Oh, and this is better? Waking up alone in a casino parking lot?
I don't have my purse, no cell phone.
I have no wallet. No ID. Nothing.
Zelda, is this lady giving you grief?
Oh, no. Delancey, this is my daughter.
Do you know that she was on the New York Times list
of playwrights to watch...
It was New York Magazine!
Oh. Pleased to meet you.
I've seen your mother here get more royal flushes than anybody.
That's great.
ZELDA: Okay.
Round and round she goes!
You think I don't know why you did it?
I'm your mother, okay. I know why you did it.
Some men are stayers.
Some men are leavers, and you know, it's better to find out now.
Wow, where did you get that pearl of wisdom?
It was on The Joy Behar Show.
You know, the doctor let me read your letter. I thought it was really good.
Really.
Apparently, I should be a professional suicide writer.
Oh, you're not writing plays anymore, huh?
I am not talking about this.
Hey-
Where'd you go?
- Imogene? - [MOANING]
Ew! Hello? Hi! Who are you?
Um... I'm Lee.
GIRL: Who's she?
Lee, what are you doing in my room?
Actually, this is my room.
Since when?
Uh, since Zelda started renting it to me.
- What? - Imogene?
- Ralph! - Imogene, you're back!
Oh, my God.
You're really back! You're here!
Wow, you look so different.
I've been eating a lot of spaghetti.
- Oh. - So you're going to spend the night?
No, I'm not... No.
Why did Mom rent out my room?
Her settlement money ran out.
What settlement money?
An escalator ate her jelly shoe at the Oasis
and screwed up her toe.
Can I have a second hug?
MONICA: This is really weird.
LEE: Monica, wait a second.
It's fine, she's...
IMOGENE: Mom!
ZELDA: Hello.
Okay, before you start getting all creepy, let me explain.
How can you rationalize renting my room out to some random guy?
Well, you haven't been back in a long time!
Yeah. She does have a point.
Where is all my stuff? What, did you throw out all my stuff?
Calm down. It's in the basement.
So what now? What, do I sleep with you now?
Oh. Well, I don't think that's going to work either.
- IMOGENE: Why not? - The Bousche sleeps in her bed.
The what?
Hey, I could make you a sheet fort like when we were kids?
Can you come out here a second?
BOUSCHE: Yeah.
ZELDA: Yeah?
Okay.
Imogene, this is my boyfriend. He lives with us.
[WHISPERS] He's in the CIA.
Hi. George Bousche.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
George.
Your name is George Bousche?
Well, as a matter of fact, it's not my name.
You see, my father was an assassin,
and he had to change all of our birth names
because of that incident I told you about, about the KGB.
IMOGENE: So what is your real name then?
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't tell you that.
- Even I don't know. - No.
Okay.
- No one knows. Okay. - Yeah.
Okay.
ZELDA: You gonna put on something nice, honey?
So, did Mom tell you the good news?
Who's it good for?
I got my own kiosk,
one block from the boardwalk.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Right across from Angela's Pizza.
Well, where it used to be. Here.
IMOGENE: Oh.
- That's wonderful. - RALPH: Yeah.
- Congratulations! - Yep.
No, no. Please keep it.
Or, you know, give it to a friend.
Anyone you refer gets a free hermit hut.
That's a good deal.
Do you want to come and see it?
Oh.
I wish I could. But, you know, I have to go back home.
Yeah, to the city.
You know, you really should come visit me.
We could go to the Natural History Museum and the Aquarium.
RALPH: Yeah, it's far away.
Yeah. Well, maybe that's a good thing.
I like being in Ocean City.
You used to like it, too.
Yeah. I just think that New York is a better place for me.
Mmm. Okay.
Well, this is your basic sheet fort model.
Um...
If you would like any add-ons or security features,
I mean, I can work on it tomorrow.
No, it looks very secure.
Yeah?
IMOGENE: Yeah, you did a great job.
Um, all right, well.
Nighty-night, Imogene.
[KISSES HAND]
[SIGHS]
ZELDA: Breakfast, everybody!
- Oh, Jesus! - Ow! God! Someone's in here!
Oh, my God. I'm sorry!
God! [GROANING]
Hey, I'm really sorry about that.
Your brother likes us to keep the door closed because the toilet runs.
I didn't see anything, just so you know.
Okay. Well, you should really knock as a precaution.
I guess we're even then.
Oh, so it's my fault that I walk in
on you doing it with your girlfriend?
Because, hello, this is my house.
But you don't live here anymore.
I grew up in this house. I think that takes precedence over
whatever temporary whatever you're doing here.
What are you doing here?
Excuse me?
What...
Why did you come back?
I really don't see how that is any of your concern, Lee.
Look, if you want to stay in the room, it really is no trouble.
I'll be happy to stay somewhere else.
Oh, I'm sure you can. But, see, I like to make a special point
to not sleep in the bed of boys
whose cleanliness of sheets is questionable
at best.
- This morning. - What?
That's when I changed my sheets.
[SLAMS DOOR SHUT]
Hey-
Um, I don't really know how to broach this subject tactfully,
so I'm just going to say it.
Ralph, cover your ears.
Were you getting spanked last night?
Why would you think that?
Because that's what it sounded like.
[GIGGLING]
- Am I right? - Oh, my God.
No. I'm right, aren't I? Ugh!
Imogene, it is so much fun. Have you never tried it?
Yeah, maybe, like, two or three times in the heat of passion, I don't know.
But not in repetition for, like, two hours.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, my God. If it was bothering you so much
you should have just closed your door.
Oh, my sheet door?
You know, you should be grateful I have
such an amazing sex life with George.
Or would you rather I turned into one of those dried up women
like Mitzi Mordler who spends all her time with her little rat dog.
IMOGENE: Yeah. That. Mitzi, that's what I want.
[ZELDA GIGGLING]
ZELDA: Oh, God.
BOUSCHE: Coffee ready?
Over there, Bubba.
I need it after last night.
[SPAN KING]
You know, if Dad were alive
to see what you've become, he would be disgraced.
He died?
When did that happen?
No, no, no. It's nothing.
What?
I mean, yes. He died.
A long time ago. He's been dead.
- You know that. - Right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- Can I take them off now? - Yeah.
Sorry.
Why would you say that?
I thought you told them.
[SCOFFS] No! You knew they didn't know.
No?
Something like that could ruin their lives.
You can never, ever let them know about their father really being...
Being what?
[STAMMERING] Cheap.
Dad was cheap?
Oh, God, yeah.
Don't you remember that ugly couch we had in the living room?
He wouldn't let me buy the one I wanted,
so we had to get that one from a garage sale.
[SCOFFING]
You're lying. I can see it! I can see it in your eyes.
Tell us the truth.
Was Dad not our father?
No, no, no. He was. He is your father.
- What do you mean "he is our father"? - ZELDA: No.
[SIGHING]
- Oh, God. - RALPH: Mom?
I can't. You know, I can't. I can't do this anymore.
- Breathe. [INHALING DEEPLY] - ZELDA: Oh, God.
What?
ZELDA: All right.
We didn't get along, okay?
And he wanted to go back to school for his PhD.
And we agreed that we didn't want to put you through a divorce
and all of the custody hell,
and so we decided that you guys would stay with me
and I would just tell you that...
What?
That he died.
I can't believe this. What, Dad is alive?
Yeah.
What mother tells their children that their father died
during a routine colonoscopy, to what?
To save them from inconvenience?
No, no, it was a complicated situation, Imogene. Okay?
[STAMMERING] I was trying to protect you guys.
I wanted you to grow up feeling good about yourselves.
What happened to him?
Somebody told me that he wrote a book.
Oh, wait, Imogene.
Wait. Oh, come on.
What are you going to do?
Wait!
Imogene.
Immy, wait.
Ralph, was that boat moored out there yesterday?
ZELDA: Imogene, please.
Imogene, honey. I need my car today.
I have a free spin on the Lucky Wheel!
Hey, wait. Honey, please. Hey, unlock the door, okay?
[ENGINE STARTS]
The jackpot is a cruise to Jamaica! We could all go together!
Hey...
Honey, please don't kill yourself over this.
I love you.
Oh, can I help you?
I hope so.
Um, do you have anything written by Maxwell P. Duncan?
P. Duncan. Let's look it up.
[STAMMERING] That's a "C", right?
That's a
And not a
- No, it's a - Oh.
No, sorry. You just pressed
You're right. Sorry about that.
- Okay. - D-U-N.
Oh, there's lots of Duncans.
P. Duncan. Maxwell P. Duncan.
Are you okay?
Yes. Thank you.
P. Duncan, there it is. We have one book.
Uh, let's see.
Where is it?
In the non-fiction.
Hmm.
"Maxwell P. Duncan is a world-renowned expert
"on the early colonial period of American history.
"Mr. Duncan has spoken on PBS and NPR.
"He resides in...
"New York City."
[ALARM BLARING]
Oh, no, you don't.
Move it!
[GASPING]
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
[CRASHES]
I saw you in my rearview mirror,
you weren't even paying attention!
You were putting on makeup!
I wasn't putting on makeup! Does it look like I'm wearing makeup to you?
Well, you're going to have to pay for this.
It's a couple of little scratches. What is the big deal?
Excuse me, it's a Porsche!
Sir, it's a Boxster.
You folks okay? You're holding up traffic.
No, sir. We're not okay, actually, at all.
This woman rear-ends me while she's putting on makeup.
My visor fell down!
Can you both please show me your driver's license,
registration, and insurance cards?
Sure thing, Officer.
Is something wrong?
Okay. First of all, I wasn't putting on makeup!
Ocean City?
Imogene?
Imogene Duncan?
Yeah.
It's me. It's Rex Rinaldi.
From high school.
T-Rex Rinaldi?
You were my TA in my dumb-bell math class.
You said you couldn't go to homecoming with me
because it fell on the anniversary of your father's death?
- Yeah. - Sure!
IMOGENE: Okay, yeah.
Imogene Duncan!
Here I am.
Can we do this please?
- I have somewhere I'm supposed to be. - Yeah. All right.
Great, thank you.
Do you have yours?
You know, I live in Manhattan now,
and I haven't really driven in years.
Dispatch, I got to run a plate.
Uh, New Jersey.
- Umbrella-zero-alpha-eight-niner. - Hey, Rex?
I just want to say how brave and selfless you are for what you do.
Just all the citizens...
REX: Copy that.
Uh, well, uh, it seems this car has been reported as stolen.
Oh, what is this?
- What is this? - Sir, I'm going to have to ask you
to please keep your comments to yourself.
No, no, no, there's been a mistake.
There's been a mistake. This is my mother's car.
Okay? And she lent it to me to go visit my father.
So it's not stolen.
Right.
That's wrong.
I thought your father died?
No, he did.
I just found out today. I thought he...
He has not died.
REX: on, I get it.
He's alive when you need him to be.
And then he's dead when you have to blow someone off.
No,no,no,no! My mother told me that he died.
And then, now I found out that he's alive.
Crock of shit!
And I bet that if I asked you out for a beer
he'd probably die again, right?
Well, obviously, I hope that wouldn't be the case.
But, given the fact that I don't know what kind of health he's in,
I mean that certainly could be a possibility.
- OFFICER: Duncan. - What?
You're out.
Your mom dropped the charges.
IMOGENE: Oh, uh, good luck at Nationals.
ZELDA: You hit someone in a Porsche?
Quit changing the subject. You had me arrested!
Come on, honey. it was for your own good, okay?
I knew how upset you were, and when you didn't come back for a while,
I was afraid you were going to stop on the train tracks.
You know, George told me the best way to find someone
is accuse them of a crime.
That's how they do it in the CIA.
How was jail, Imogene?
Disappointing.
ZELDA: I know you think I screwed up your life,
but did you ever stop to think that maybe having a dead father
was better for you than having a dead-beat one?
IMOGENE: [SCOFFS] Dead-beat?
The man lives in New York City.
He's a world-renowned expert
on the early colonial period of American history.
- What? - He's spoken in 29 countries.
He's been interviewed on NPR and PBS.
Okay. Maybe he's found some success.
Some success?
But that doesn't change who he is as a person.
- Is that Dad's book? - Yes.
It's called The Myth of Thanksgiving.
- It's actually our father's second book. - Thanksgiving is a myth?
- What? - Yeah, amongst other things.
Oh, get out of here. Your father wrote a book
on how Thanksgiving never happened?
IMOGENE: Yeah. You know, we embrace it as this national holiday,
but actually it was a political spin job.
- Did it say who invented pumpkin pie? - [LAUGHING]
Don't laugh. No, it didn't say who invented pumpkin pie.
You know, I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised.
He always wanted to ruin everything that was fun.
Oh, yeah, Dad tried to ruin everything.
Dad's only, like, a very brilliant, accomplished man,
who, you know what, after we get reunited,
is going to help me get on my feet
and who is going to cherish me,
and make up for the years of humiliation
that I endured being your daughter.
Oh, my God. Well, do you have his address?
No. I... What? No.
But I'm gonna get it. And then when I get it I'm gonna go there.
And Ralph's going to come with me.
Oh, no, I don't go past the boardwalk.
You know, Imogene, a lot of people had a worse mother than you.
Like me.
And one day when you're old, you're gonna look back and realize that.
When I'm old. And hopefully, I can also die
84 days around when Ralph dies,
so we can combine our funerals.
[SIGHS]
ZELDA: Hey, honey. Honey, come here.
- Get over here. - What?
I have to tell you something.
Are you guys coming?
Uh, you just go on in. Turn on the TV.
Okay, honey? We'll be there in a sec.
Look. I know you got mad when I made you do your birthday with Ralph.
No. I actually loved combining birthday parties with Ralph. Really.
It's one of my fondest memories.
Well, I had to do that, okay?
I had to put your parties together,
or else Ralph would have had no one at his.
Your friends were humans.
His friends were lizards or crabs or whatever.
We all had to make sacrifices for Ralph.
Good night.
[WHIMPERING]
IMOGENE: Ralph!
Uh, Eugenia.
You got a minute for the Bousche?
It's Imogene.
Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you because I'm worried.
You shouldn't be mad at your mother.
Really? And what exactly qualifies you to say that to me,
considering I've known you for what, 40 hours?
Because she's been through a very hard time.
- And she loves you. - No. Of course she does.
That's why she had me arrested for stealing her car
and lied to me about my father.
Sometimes information needs to be kept classified.
Okay, look, no offense, but this is really between me and my family.
I am part of your family now.
Now, I may look a little young for the gig,
but in the samurai tradition,
when a man loves a woman,
he automatically becomes a spiritual guardian for her offspring.
So, what, you're a samurai now, too?
Oh, I've been a samurai for 25 years. You didn't know that?
No. I didn't. 25, wow.
- That's a long time. - Yeah.
But thank you, I think me and my spirit are just fine.
Are you sure about that?
That's not what I'm getting.
I'm getting resistance.
Yeah. Little bit.
That's accurate.
RALPH: What's the password?
Spuds McKenzie?
[RALPH MIMICKING BUZZER]
[ROBOTICALLY] Spuds McKenzie.
RALPH: [ROBOTICALLY] You may enter.
IMOGENE: WOW!
Oh, wow, your room...
Um...
Oh, this was so sweet of you, but I think I should give this back.
Why don't you want her?
I kind of got a lot going on right now.
I don't really think I'd be a very good crab mom.
Well, then maybe you could be her crab buddy.
Um... Yeah. I don't think I'd be a very good crab buddy either.
Plus I think she misses you. See.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, Ralph.
Do you have any money you think you can loan me?
What for?
So I can go back to New York. And pay my landlord.
And try to find Dad.
You do want me to find Dad, don't you?
Don't you think it would be cool if
no matter where you were in the world, you were already home?
Or precisely, that you were just as safe as you are in your own home,
even when you're not there?
Uh, yeah. Sure, yeah. I guess so.
Um...
Here, sit down.
- Huh? Oh. - Sit down.
Since the dawn of time,
soft-bellied creatures have been jealous
of mollusks' ability to self-preserve.
But they don't have to be anymore.
[BREATHING HARD]
I made this.
- Really? - Yeah.
It has all the amenities of a typical mollusk's home,
but this one is made of top-grade, bullet-proof fiberglass,
and I've coated it with Cyber-Flexx plastic.
It's comfortable enough for extended use,
and it even has wireless Internet capability.
What?
I call it "The Human Shell."
Wow.
- May I? - Yeah, you can touch.
What's it for?
You put it on your back.
And then if you ever need protection
or you want to hide or whatever,
you just pull it down on yourself.
Oh.
Ralph?
[GROANING]
IMOGENE: Hey, Lee! Hey, wait.
[CAR STARTING]
Hey-
Wait! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait!
Take me to New York.
No.
Why?
Because I have things to do.
Fine. Fine. Then I will stay here and I will kill myself
and it'll be all your fault.
And I will specifically mention your name in the letter,
which, apparently, I am very good at writing.
Wow. You're really gonna show me, aren't you? Jeez.
[SCOFFING]
[SIGHING]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
All right, I'll tell you what.
Here.
- Why are you giving me a quarter? - Just call it.
My sanity hangs in the balance,
and this is how you're deciding if you're gonna take me or not?
Yeah. Do you want me call it or should you call it?
- What's it going to be? - Tails.
Tails. All right.
Here's hoping.
Oh.
You know what? Forget it.
Just forget it. I don't need this from some, like, happy-go-lucky simpleton...
"Happy-go-lucky"?
...who thinks it's really funny to taunt someone
who's on the brink of a mental breakdown,
who is literally reeling from the shock of her life!
Will you relax? Just relax.
It's tails.
Okay?
You're going to New York.
I'm sorry I called you a simpleton before.
What about happy-go-lucky?
Yeah. That, too, I guess.
And thanks for doing this for me.
I'm actually doing this for myself.
Because now I can ask you to do, like, anything and you have to do it.
Okay, well, I'm not planning on ever seeing you again after today
ever in my life, so, great.
[CHUCKLING]
Sounds like a plan.
Okay. So, what's your story?
My story? Um...
Well, I grew up in Pennsylvania. Went to college when I was 17.
Where?
- Uh, Yale. - [SCOFFS]
You did not go to Yale.
Okay.
I didn't go to Yale.
Um...
Then I moved to Philly and sang in a shitty band.
Bussed tables for a while.
And then this guy I knew
had an audition to be in a show at the Oasis Casino.
I went with him, and the next thing you know,
I got the job.
Does he hate you?
No. I don't think he hates me.
I would hate you.
Yeah, but you hate everybody.
LEE: So, what's your story?
Have you ever heard of Douglas J. Hollingsworth?
Well, every year he awards someone a $30,000 grant
to write a play that he will produce.
And in 2004 he picked me.
And my whole world opened up.
I met Dara, who was on the board.
She introduced me to my boyfriend,
and it just felt like everything was starting.
But when I actually sat down to write, nothing good came out.
So I just went shopping with my friends and went on vacations.
And when the year was up, I didn't have a play to produce.
So why don't you just finish something now?
Because nobody cares now.
It's over.
[SIGHS]
LEE: You know, you're lucky you're back in New York.
I was going to force you to come see my show tomorrow as payback.
IMOGENE: Sorry, but I am never crossing the Hudson again.
Come on, do you really think New York is that much better?
Yeah. You kidding? Come on, New York has everything.
[SCOFFS]
Central Park, when it snows.
Okay, yeah.
Bergdorf's.
Everyone here dresses so beautifully, and they're intelligent.
It's like they have this swagger of, like,
"I finished the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen."
[SPITTING]
Huh.
Wow, okay.
Not all of them, but...
Hey, Joe, can I get a spare key?
I lost mine.
Uh, Miss Duncan, I can't.
I'm afraid I can't let you up there.
What do you mean? What's going on?
You should talk to Mr. Bill.
What?
Joe, that's my apartment. All my stuff is up there.
I need to get up there. I live there!
I can't. You should talk to him.
Sorry.
They can't do that! That can't be legal.
It's not fair! You can't just randomly evict someone
and ban them from even entering their place of residence
just because of a recent, financial hardship.
Who are you texting?
Your mom.
Just to let her know you're okay.
[GREETING IN ITALIAN]
Oh! Uh, listen, when we get into Dara's, uh, don't introduce yourself.
I'll just do it.
How about I just stay outside?
Okay. Well, I'll be back, either way.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Hey, Dara, it's me. I really need to talk to you.
It's Imogene.
What should I do?
- Hi. - Oh, thank God you're home!
Imogene. I thought that you were in New Jersey with your family?
Yes. Well, mercifully, I've been given a reprieve.
Can I come in?
Um... We're not dressed.
Oh, okay. Well, can't you put something on?
Uh, you know what? Maybe it's just better if we talk like this.
How have you been doing?
I'm great. I just found out that my father is still alive.
- Oh, my God. - I know!
- Do you know where he is? - Yes.
He is in New York. And he is successful. He wrote this.
Um, anyway, the point is I cannot go back to New Jersey.
And my landlord is not letting me
into my apartment right now. So...
That's terrible. Where are you going to stay?
JAMES: She is not staying here.
Um...
I was hoping that maybe I could stay with you,
just until Peter and I patch things up,
or until I locate my father, whichever comes first.
JAMES: Close the door!
Honestly, I would be absolutely fine with it,
but James has a very weird thing
about non-blood-related people staying with us.
I would not be asking you this unless it was an absolute emergency.
- I have nowhere else to go. - I know.
And I really, really, really wanna be there for you right now,
and if it was anything else I would absolutely say yes, but I...
I promise I won't be any trouble at all. I won't even talk, I promise.
JAMES: Dara!
Okay, I'm so sorry. I have to close the door right now.
And I really understand
if you're not able to come to the book launch party.
I just want you to focus on getting better.
- But that's... - And I love you so much.
Please. Please. Please. Dara!
[LOCKING DOOR]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Oh, man, it's really gonna pour.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
ZELDA: on, my God.
Okay, just hold on, Bubba.
Get the rubber suit on!
We're almost there.
- Get your arm in! - Are you guys okay?
[GRUNTING]
- [THUNDER CRACKS] - [ZELDA SCREAMS]
RALPH: The lights! The lights went out from the storm.
Okay, if anyone has any jewelry or silverware on them,
- stay away from the windows. - Why? Why?
ZELDA: Well, we were eating Chinese food with forks, and he sparked.
- Almost blew up the house! - From Chinese food?
ZELDA: No, no, no. From the metal.
[STAMMERING] I'm gonna get some candles.
See, he's been struck by lightning three times,
which officially makes him a conduit.
Tell her what a conduit is.
No, I know what a conduit is.
Okay. Okay.
[sun SQUEAKING]
How do you feel?
BOUSCHE: I had the distinct feeling that I was in movement.
Do you know blackness movement?
How long did it last?
Ralph, when you're moving through other dimensions,
you can't measure time in an earthly way.
Okay. Hi.
Is there any possibility you can take your campfire tales
to another more isolated part of the house?
No, Imogene. This is the center.
It's the only place George is safe.
All right, now, just go ahead and finish your story.
BOUSCHE: The electricity had vaporized nearly every hair on my body.
It took me a year and a half to grow my eyebrows back.
And the local villagers were able to
hoist me up on top of the elephant,
and at the end,
- I was pronounced dead. - [IMOGENE SCOFFS]
[WEEPING]
[SOBBING]
Hi, yes. Is there an M. Duncan available, please?
BOUSCHE: My briefcase?
Where's my briefcase?
It's in the closet, honey, like always.
Oh, well, do you know if he's a world-renowned author
and an expert on the early colonial period?
Are you sure you don't want something for the road?
IMOGENE: No, "colonial"?
No.
Hello?
I don't want to get weighed down.
No. I got to keep light on my toes.
All right, don't forget to be careful, Bubba.
Somebody should tell those Romanians that.
I'll make you something for later. What do you want?
Turkey cheese? Huh?
Extra mayo?
BOUSCHE: Yeah. ZELDA: Be careful, Bubba.
Where's he going?
Ralph, you know you can't ask that, honey. It's a secret mission.
- He's going to have sex with another woman. - ZELDA: Oh!
Don't start with me!
Mom, the guy is a compulsive liar.
You really believe all that CIA shit?
I mean, he told us he's a time-traveling samurai.
George doesn't lie. He's just lived a life so exciting it sounds made up.
That's because it is!
Imogene. Um, can I...
He doesn't lie. He never lied to me.
Are you doing anything today?
Uh, I don't know. Why?
I was just wondering if you could help me with my ultimate... My ultimate plan.
- What? Ultimate plan? - Yeah, this.
That's me, okay?
- This is gonna be you. - Uh-huh.
And you're gonna do it?
You'll do it. Okay. Great, great. Okay.
RALPH: That's her. That's her right there.
That's her. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.
Back at me.
We're a good pair, right?
Are you sure this is going to work?
What if she finds out we're related?
How would that happen?
What if she sees a photograph?
I'll cut out your face.
Imogene! Look, I'll give you $20.
No,no,no,no.
Just give it to me later.
Are you going now? You're going right now?
Okay.
Hi.
Hey-
Can I help you?
Um, yeah, Ralph Duncan referred me to you.
- Oh, yeah? - He said to check out
your glitter expression.
That's sweet of him.
Hey-
Do you want a demonstration?
Oh, I don't...
Do you want to look around?
Peruse. No pressure.
So, do you want to know how I know Ralph?
What? Are you guys, like, related or something?
Ew! Ugh!
Gross. I'm so attracted to him.
That's why I'm saying that, because that'd be creepy.
Oh. So did you guys hook up?
No.
- Though I've prayed about it. Many times. - Mmm-hmm.
Had graphic fantasies.
Real graphic stuff.
You know, he gave me crabs.
Oh, you trying to make me jealous?
- No, not like those crabs. - No, I know.
Come see.
Right. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah. Cute.
So, do you know what you want your glitter expression to be,
or do you want me to do an assessment?
Oh, um...
What is a glitter expression, exactly?
You see, I like to think of glitter
as your alter-ego shining through.
It's like a sparkly expression of who you are on the inside.
Oh. I never thought of it like that.
Like, for instance, on my boyfriend,
he's really into the Jets, right?
So he always has me paint one on his face.
You have a boyfriend?
Yeah. Jason DelPino.
- Why, you know him? - No. No.
Right, so since you don't know what
you want your glitter expression to be,
I'm just gonna absorb your energy for a second,
and that way I can paint something that best describes
who you are on the inside.
Oh, I can just get the cupcake.
[INDISTINCT]
[HUMMING]
RALPH: Imogene, that doesn't make any sense.
Allyson, she talks to me when we're at work.
And one time she even asked me if I thought she looked hot.
I bet if she didn't have a boyfriend she'd be into it.
If she really liked me, she would have an affair.
Maybe Allyson isn't the kind of person
who can recognize and appreciate
how special and unique you are.
She's the only girl I know besides Mom.
Well, maybe it's time you start thinking
about going farther than the boardwalk.
Having new experiences,
and meeting people with whom you share things in common.
What kind of people would I share things in common with?
Maybe Jacques Cousteau has a granddaughter or something.
I don't know off the top of my head, but all I'm saying is
there's a whole world out there that you've never experienced.
You really think it's worth experiencing?
Sometimes.
[GIRL SINGING '90S POP SONG]
So now, our next group really got it goin' on!
The original American superstars.
The... The... The... The...
Backstreet Boys!
[CHEERING]
[POP SONG PLAYING]
EMCEE: My homeboys. The Backstreet Boys.
Hey-
I can't believe you made it. What did you think?
Um...
it was fun. it was fun.
You look so different with makeup on.
Well, that's good, I think.
I wouldn't want a face that looks like
I'm wearing makeup all the time, right?
Um, listen, seriously, thank you so much for coming.
I really appreciate it.
I think you actually brought the head-count up to like 19.
Which is pretty cool.
Yeah. No problem. I owed you one. So now we're even forever.
Forever.
Hey, Lee. Are you coming out with us?
LEE: Maybe.
I hope so.
Hey-
Okay, were Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera the same person?
Yeah, they totally were.
I knew it!
So, what do you, uh, feel like doing?
Um, well, I'm probably just gonna head back
and try to find my dad some more...
It's like 11:00, you sure about that?
You should come out with us.
Oh, gosh, that sounds like fun. But I really should head back.
And I don't want my mom to worry.
Wow.
That's really sad,
because you're a writer and that's the best excuse you can come up with.
All right, look, to be honest, I don't really feel like going out.
And in addition to that, I don't drink,
and you and I don't really know each other well enough
to determine whether we would even have fun in a social setting together.
And, we're practically from different generations.
You're right. No, you're right, I agree with you there.
I mean, God forbid we went out and I said something that was really lame
and you felt embarrassed for me,
and we had nothing to talk about.
- It'd be messy. - Yeah.
I mean, I'm not being negative,
I'm just saying the possibility certainly exists,
and for us not to acknowledge that would be reckless.
No, I agree. I think it would be reckless.
I think if we did that we'd probably
be taking like a gigantic risk.
- For sure. - I agree.
Okay.
See you later.
But the thing about that is, um, I don't give a shit.
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm sorry this place is so loud,
but that's a good sign. All my friends are here.
Hey!
- You wanna dance? - No, thank you!
LEE: Hey
CHARLOTTE: Well, well. Look who finally made it.
All right, so this is Nick, that's Lucy,
Charlotte, Antonio, Sherry and Veronica.
Guys, this is Imogene.
- Hello. - Yo!
Oh, my God. I think my mom had that same vest!
Cool.
So, how do you guys know each other?
Uh, through her family.
Oh, is she, like, your aunt?
No.
Do you want a drink?
Charlotte, you guys want a drink?
You want a water, soda, something?
Pellegrino.
Hey, Lee, I'll take another Jack and Coke now,
and I'll get you back later.
You know, I'm gonna have a Long Island Iced Tea, too.
- A large. - Oh.
I thought that you didn't drink?
Come on, man. You heard what the lady said.
Get her some alcohol.
Yeah, you heard what the lady said. Get me some alcohol.
Um... Okay, great.
All right.
[GIRL WHOOPING]
This place has crazy lights.
IMOGENE: I feel like I'm on fire, but my thoughts are really slow.
How do you make it stop?
Drink more.
Okay, let's go dance. Come on.
- I don't want to dance here. - Come on.
I don't like this song.
[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING]
[ALL CHEERING]
I should drink more.
[CHUCKLING] Everyone is so nice.
I know, right?
And I forgot that hanging out with regular people
could be such an enthralling experience.
I feel like I want to expand my social circle
and get, like, acrylic nails or something.
No, no. No acrylic nails.
Okay, seriously.
- Did you go to Yale? - Yeah.
I really did. I went to Yale.
Okay, what did you study?
I majored in music and French history.
And my senior year I was a Whiffenpoof.
- A what? - You never heard of the Whiffenpoofs.
That is not... You're making up groups.
You never heard of the Whiffenpoofs?
No, that's not a real thing!
That is absolute... All right.
[CLEARING THROAT]
[SINGING COLLEGE GROUP SONG]
Okay, I'm getting the parts wrong, it doesn't matter.
It's better with the gloves and the tuxedo.
- I'm coming up. - Oh!
[SINGING '90S POP SONG]
I get it. I get it. That's very funny. Oh!
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
I'm gonna fall if I stand on that.
You're gonna sit.
[CHUCKLING]
You're so good!
You are. You're such a great singer.
Why are you working in that shithole?
Because that shithole pays me.
I think... I think you should be famous.
I think you should be famous, too.
I do.
I almost was.
Kind of.
Well, no one told you to stop writing.
I think you're just as good now as you were then.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Actually, I do.
I do know what I'm talking about,
because I found your secret hole.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, your secret hole.
Behind your bureau, in your wall, in your room.
[CHUCKLES] I...
I was moving stuff, and I just found a bunch of your plays.
What? You went into my secret hole and you found my plays,
and you read them without even asking me?
- I was just trying to see what it was. - That's private.
- I'm sorry. - You don't read other people's stuff
they keep in the wall. If it's in the wall, it means don't read it.
Okay, listen, calm down, hear me out.
I just went to go see what it was,
and I ended up staying up all night
reading this great play about you becoming a woman.
What was it called?
Imogene's Period.
[SIGHING]
Was it good?
Yeah.
It really was.
I really liked it. I think...
I think you were born to be a writer.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are your sheets clean?
What do you mean?
Did you have sex in them?
- Only with myself. - Ew.
That feels good.
Where are you...
[IMOGENE MOANING]
[CRYING OUT]
[GROANING]
I feel like I am dying.
I think that's because you're hungover.
How long does this last?
I don't know.
Sometimes it helps if you eat McDonald's.
[EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK]
- Jesus. - The Bousche never came home.
Uh... Wait. What?
He left yesterday morning.
I made him a sandwich, he never came back.
- Did he say where he was going? - ZELDA: What?
IMOGENE: Oh, God. Your voice is like burning knives through my skull.
Imogene?
Oh!
- [DOOR CLOSES] - Did you guys have sex?
[WHISPERING] Thank you.
[RETCHING]
Um, listen, uh...
What day is it?
It's Thursday.
Shit! on, my God!
It's Dara's book party!
Just to clarify, this is the girl that
wouldn't let you into her apartment, right?
If I don't go to this thing tonight, people are going to speculate
about my mental state and what happened.
And I need to go there, and prove to them that I am sane
and that I am in control of my life.
- All right, let's go. - What?
Yeah, I'll take you.
Just to clarify. You mean, like, as my date?
Uh, a date impersonator.
[WHISTLES]
Look at you.
After you.
Wait! Wait!
I'm coming with you.
What?
Mom said you're going to New York.
You know that it's past the boardwalk though, right?
I think I'm ready.
[RETCHING]
You sure you know how to get back?
Yes, that's why I have my GPS watch.
I'll meet you right here, 45.2 degrees north by 79.3 degrees west.
At 7:30.
So you're sure you want to bring this shell-thing with you?
What better place to try it out than New York City?
- Well, good luck. - Thank you.
- Be careful. - Yeah.
IMOGENE: Just watch where you're going.
- He'll be fine. - [CAR HONKING]
RALPH: Yeah.
Oh!
[BARKING]
Ow!
[INDISTINCT]
LEE: "I Found the One."
Did you read it?
I helped write it.
Then it's gotta be good.
It doesn't really matter. Her uncle owns the publishing company, so...
Hmm. Good, old-fashioned nepotism.
- Hi. - Hi, how are you?
Hey! I'm talking to you.
What's inside of it?
- I'm the... I go inside of it. - What?
- Oh, my God! - Hey guys!
Imogene! What a surprise!
That's an interesting dress.
I hardly know why my presence would be a surprise,
I confirmed over a month ago.
Of course, of course!
We just... We were concerned that you might not be here tonight.
- But you are. - Yay!
It's wonderful.
I'm going to go to the bar.
Long Island Iced Tea?
Very funny.
So, is everyone here?
HANNAH: Yes. Everyone.
Anabelle and George are talking to David Sedaris.
And I think I saw Peter.
Wait. What?
- Oh. - Peter's here?
[STAMMERING] No, actually I just saw him...
No.
IMOGENE: Oh, my God, it's him. He is here.
I forgot. I forgot!
IMOGENE: Peter?
- Oh! - Imogene.
They told me that you weren't going to be here tonight.
So, what? I almost die and you just aren't going to talk to me again?
[FRENCH ACCENT] They won't let you go to the garden to smoke,
can you believe?
I can't, that's...
- That's terrible. - Hello.
This is club soda with bitters.
It'll be good for your stomach.
IMOGENE: Are you joking?
How do you live with someone
and show up at a friend's party with some random model!
- What's random? - Just give me a second here.
She's not random, okay?
Our parents summer together in Provence.
You wouldn't have even cared if I died, would you?
Oh, my God. You would be happy.
I would not be happy if you died, okay?
That's why I asked Dara to go check on you.
Wait. What?
Hey!
Hi. WOW.
You knew Peter wasn't coming and you didn't tell me?
How could you do that?
MAN: Are you Imogene Duncan?
Yeah.
Ralph, are you okay? What happened?
How do you know this man?
He's my brother.
OFFICER 2: Keep him off the street, please.
He almost ended up in Gitmo.
What is that junk he just dragged into my party?
That is a man-made replica of an exoskeleton
that he designed and constructed by himself.
Which is more than I could ever say for you!
Okay.
No, don't walk away.
How could you not be honest with me?
Because if I did that it would be a full time job, all right, Imogene?
- What is that supposed to mean? - Imogene, let it go.
I think what Dara means is sometimes you seem sad.
No, Hannah, that's not what I meant.
You need to be very careful about who you speak to like that,
because the only reason why you're here right now,
and know all of these people, is because of me.
And you're living in a fantasy world if you think you belong here.
And now she's gonna cry.
Hurry, Imogene. Get in here.
- Get in the shell. - No, it's okay, Ralph.
You didn't even write your own book.
Like I care what you think? I don't even know how you got in here.
I came here with Imogene.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Imogene, wait.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[SPEAKING MAN DARIN]
Picked that up in Chinatown.
Imogene?
Are you okay?
[SNIFFLING]
It's just like...
You spend so long staring at one thing.
And then, one day everything else comes into view
and there you are. I'm like a big joke.
No, look, hey, they're assholes.
You think I've never had to deal with people like that?
I was inundated with all that bullshit my entire time in college.
I couldn't wait to get out.
Well, at least you had somewhere to go.
834 Sutton Place. New York, New York, 10021.
Dad lives there.
Thanks.
Ah, it's not a problem. I don't mind the drive.
No. I just mean thank you.
Oh.
Of course.
Good luck.
RALPH: Hi. We're here to see Maxwell P. Duncan.
And who should I say you are?
His children.
Just a moment, please.
MAN: How did you find out I was still alive?
Two weeks after you died,
I saw you buying toothpaste at the A&P.
And then, when I turned 21,
I hired a private investigator with my birthday money.
So you've known all this time?
Yes, sir.
But you didn't try to contact me before.
I was waiting for my sister to come home.
Well, please come up.
Could you keep an eye on that for me, please?
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Do you think we should hug?
Sure.
- Does your mother know you're here? - No.
She's mad at you. She told us, you know, not to come.
Oh, how exquisite.
Is this a Joseph Kato?
Oh, yes, it is.
It's been in my wife's family for years.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, yes, Virginia. These are my children.
This is Imogene.
A pleasure.
And this...
- This is Ralph. - Ralph.
- Hello. - Hello, Ralph.
Did you know that we were alive?
Actually, no.
Okay.
I can get you one of your own, if you'd like.
Yes, please.
Have you produced any offspring together?
VIRGINIA: No. We can't.
I have a condition.
Which one?
Virginia is on the board of trustees at the Guggenheim.
Oh, the Guggenheim is, by far, my favorite.
I've seen the Kandinsky exhibit there three times.
[RETCHING]
I started reading your book on agrarian America,
and I had no idea that the Pilgrims were alcoholics.
Oh, yes. Yes, it's true.
They preferred the taste of beer to water,
thus contributing to their notorious
legacy of being drunk sodomists.
Do you know who invented pumpkin pie?
Oh, I believe it... It was the Pilgrims.
So sodomists invented pumpkin pie?
Evidently.
But it's got such a nice image, pumpkin pie.
- Ralph. - it's delicious.
Why don't you tell us about you?
I'd be happy to. My name is Ralph Duncan,
I'm an inventor.
My main focus is the science of physical self-preservation.
- Yes, please. - Based on the exoskeletons of mollusks.
Imogene, why don't you tell us something about yourself?
Imogene Duncan doesn't have anyone to marry.
She doesn't have anywhere to live right now.
And all of her stuff is gone,
except for this piece of shit.
But she used to be a writer.
And what did she used to write?
She could write the kind of stuff that could trick people
into thinking she was the real deal.
Until they realized that I was just an impersonator.
There is a very, very odd taste to this soup.
And I can't catch it.
Cinnamon?
No. It's an herb.
I'm gonna go lay down for two minutes. Excuse me.
Turmeric? Turmeric?
It's so sad. How long has she had her drinking problem?
Like two days.
RADIO DJ: ...36CXY, playing the sexiest music from the '80s, '90s and today.
Remember this one?
[90'S POP SONG PLAYING]
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
[GROANING SOFTLY]
You know, when I first met your mother,
I thought she was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
Oh, she was up on stage, dancing in her little costume.
Are you saying Mom was a stripper?
Well, back then they were called Go-Go dancers.
And I had never seen anything like her.
I mean, she was 19, a college dropout.
I had just gotten out of the Army, and, you know,
when we first got married, she went and got pregnant
and never even asked me.
I was just beginning to wonder if I even loved her or not.
I was 21!
Can you even comprehend how that must have felt?
Were you ever happy with her?
Look, I tried. Okay? There was simply nothing to be done.
She wanted Ocean City, and I needed more than that.
Why didn't you just take us with you?
What about when I was traveling?
You would have grown to resent me.
And that wouldn't have been fair for any of us.
So, you thought it was fair to just pretend like we didn't exist?
Didn't you love me more that way?
Didn't you miss us?
You were children, I barely knew you.
I mean, it's not like you were fully-formed people.
I mean, honestly, can you actually say
that you really knew who I was?
You were my father.
I knew that I loved you.
Yeah, well, you must admit, your mother was pretty...
She has her eccentricities,
but she didn't exactly have it easy raising Ralph by herself.
Look, I want to say something to you.
Would you look at me?
Obviously I wasn't much of a father.
And I can see how that has done some collateral damage to you,
as a woman.
So let me help you now. How much money do you need?
If you can believe it, you actually remind me a little bit of myself.
So, I guess that me helping you is like me helping me, right?
Can you just tell me where your nearest bathroom is?
Yes, it's down the hall. Second door on your right.
- Excuse me. - Mmm-hmm.
[GASPING]
RALPH: I've hit this thing with sticks, rocks.
I've subjected it to wind tests.
Come on, Ralph, let's go.
- We're going home. - What?
No, I want to do a demonstration for Dad.
Well, you can show him another time. Okay?
What? No, I want to do it right now.
You can't do it right now because we're leaving.
Why are we leaving?
IMOGENE: Because it's time to leave, Ralph.
Doesn't he want to see it?
IMOGENE: No.
He doesn't want to see it.
Do you want to talk about it?
[DOOR OPENING]
Bubba?
LEE: Hey. It's just us.
What happened to you?
[TEARFULLY] Dad's a piece of shit.
You saw him?
Wait.
You are a stupid shell!
You are a stupid, stupid shell!
[RALPH GRUNTING]
Honey.
- Do you want something to eat? - No!
Imogene?
Honey.
I get why you did it.
I get why you lied.
Honey. Tell me what happened.
[SOBBING]
Let's just say it was underwhelming.
As you predicted.
[SNIFFLING]
You know, um, there's a saying in the samurai tradition.
The Bousche taught it to me.
It's something like,
"Sometimes you need to see the snake
"in the bush to know it's really there."
You know, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you needed to see the snake.
Is that your version of an apology?
Well...
If I say I'm sorry,
then I'm worried that you'll just get all mad
and yell at me for ruining your life.
And then I'll feel like shit. And I...
I just can't win with you, Imogene.
Well, maybe, just this once, you can throw caution to the wind
and try saying it anyway, and see what happens?
Well, okay.
Um...
I guess I'm sorry, you know, for lying to you.
Even though it was for your own good.
And now you can see I was right to do it.
- Thank you. - Okay.
That's my flipper.
Oh, my God. I've been looking for this forever.
I hope the other one's still in my trunk.
[DOOR OPENING]
BOUSCHE: Hello! Is anyone home?
Oh, my God. It's George! He's back!
I knew he would come back to me!
Honey?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, honey.
I was so worried that something had happened to you.
Is my sandwich ready?
Of course it is, sweetie.
I'll get it for you.
BOUSCHE: How's that apple, Lee?
ZELDA: Do you want potato chips?
MAN: Are they sour cream and onion?
[ZELDA SCREAMS]
LEE: Oh, my God!
ZELDA: Honey!
Armando.
Don't even think about it.
Don't shoot. We'll co-operate, all right?
Here.
Don't shoot.
[WHIMPERING]
Everyone in there!
LEE: [WHISPERING] You have a gun?
[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]
[WHISPERING] What the hell are you saying?
RALPH: Mom?
ARMANDO: Come any closer, you die!
No, honey!
[THUDDING]
[ZELDA SOBBING]
How did you find me?
We're being robbed, just give him your purse.
[MOUTHING]
The briefcase is in the closet over there.
That's what you want, isn't it?
Who are you, man?
Lady, why don't you go get me the briefcase.
BOUSCHE: You're still smarting over Antwerp, aren't you?
You really think there's a game to be won here?
ARMANDO: Don't try any heroics.
Just let them go and kill me. They don't know anything.
Oh, you're right.
Except maybe what I look like. What kind of a gun I have.
Maybe I should give them my mailing address, too,
so after I kill them, [COCKING GUN]
they can send me a postcard from hell!
[DOOR OPENING]
What the fuck?
[YELLING]
LEE: Somebody grab the gun!
[ZELDA SCREAMING]
Shocking news in Ocean City tonight,
where police arrested an international assassin
for holding a government operative and his family at gunpoint.
However, the attack was thwarted
when a family member used a device known as the Human Shell...
- Yo. - ...to overcome their captor.
Hey, shut up. Shut up!
Michelle Connors is live now at the scene.
I know this guy.
Hi, Paul. I'm here with one of the victims, Ralph Duncan,
who is also the inventor of the Human Shell.
Oh, shit.
Well, I am the one who created the Human Shell,
which is the ultimate protective barrier against bodily harm,
but really it was my sister who saved our family.
ZELDA: Hey, you guys want to get a shot of us over here?
Hello. Hey, honey.
[CHUCKLING]
So tell us about the shell.
Yes, Michelle, I will tell you about the shell.
[CHUCKLES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
The shell is a creation of mine...
ZELDA: So he took me with him, right?
And they have this machine where you can win a $20 gold piece.
And on my third try, it hit.
So there I am, I'm talking about all the things I'm gonna spend it on.
And my grandpa stops me and he says,
"Oh, no, I can't ever spend it because..."
Um...
Oh, shit, What did he say?
Mom, come on.
Right, right, right.
He says,
"I can't ever spend it because as long as I have it in my pocket,
"I will always be a winner."
So I kept it.
You're giving it to me?
We gotta keep it in the family.
Mom.
Life is a brief flickering.
Well, sometimes the darkness is self-imposed.
And to accuse your daughter of a crime
may indeed be the best way to find her.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
[SIGHING]
[INDISTINCT]
There's the poster. Here's everybody.
Everybody getting in their limo. Rock stars after a great show.
There's the Bousche!
I'm going to have to confiscate this.
That's my phone.
There can be no physical evidence of my existence.
Look, if you give me your number,
I'll talk to The Times about doing a feature article.
- Really? - I'm so sorry.
By the way, this is Whit Stillman, superb writer and filmmaker.
Delighted to meet you. I liked the play so much.
I'd love to ask you some questions about it.
- Do you have any time? - Imogene!
Hurry up already. We're paying by the hour here.
Um, you know what? I'm sorry. I, uh... I have to go.
My family is waiting for me. I have to go.
[CAR HONKING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Everybody! Three!
Two, one!
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