♪ Jacob climbed the ladder ♪
♪ climbed it to the sky ♪
♪ said, people, what's the matter? ♪
♪ Heaven ain't so high ♪
♪ people, heaven ain't so high ♪
♪ when you got the shield ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ of Abraham ♪
♪ little children ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ of Abraham ♪
♪ The years were lifeless ♪
♪ they wandered ♪
♪ in the desert 40 years ♪
♪ and ol' Moses told the children ♪
♪ brush away them tears ♪
♪ hey, kids, this ain't no time for tears ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ of Abraham ♪
♪ little children ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ of Abraham ♪
♪ David, he fought goliath ♪
♪ with nothing but a tiny stone ♪
♪ David, little David ♪
♪ God knows you're not alone ♪
♪ David, you got the shield ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ of Abraham ♪
♪ little David ♪
♪ you got the shield ♪
♪ you got the shield... ♪
My name is Christian thaddeus Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell,
and between the ages of 8 and 17 years old,
good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times.
- Class, please welcome-- - G.I. Joe?
From Wichita to Berlin,
nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid.
I think G.I. Joe is cool.
Because you have a lot in common
or maybe because you want something
or because no one else will be your friend.
And that's how I became friends with Adam Lipschitz.
How rude of me.
Want one?
We were complete opposites,
but we became best friends.
My first dinner with the lipschitzes--one word.
Why couldn't we have gone to China palace?
Denny, we've discussed this.
Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack
by the time you're 50?
No, but--
besides, I heard that they cook
with d-o-g.
Adam's mom took control of her men.
Nah, you're right, Arlene. You're always right.
- I love you. - Well, I love you more.
- No, I love you more. - You just wait till later.
Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?
It kind of freaked me out at first...
But I learned to love it.
Hi. My name's Soo Yun. You ready to order?
Stop staring at her, Adam.
That is rude!
- Oh. - You cute.
You stare all you like, little man.
You are not and you will never be her little man.
I never realized how different growing up Jewish was...
Where's my burger? Betsy!
Until I hung out with the O'Connells.
I'm Comin'.
I'm sorry, the tots were frozen
and I--and I had to wait for them to defrost.
And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce, huh?
One word--gentiles.
Oh, I got distracted waiting for them tots.
I'll go get it. Don't you move an inch.
Way back! And he sees Taylor!
And the throw is up!
Aah! Touchdown!
Oh!
What the hell? That's a touchdown.
I'll tell you one thing.
There's nobody who called a better game than Cosell,
but boy, did he have him one heck of a beak.
Jew beak.
The talmud states that the first 12 years
of a Jewish man's life all lead up to the moment
where he must transform himself
from a boy to a man.
Adam Mintz Lipschitz, that moment has arrived.
I'd never been to any jewy type of thing
until Adam's bar mitzvah.
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
Gaah!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
I'm not ready to be a man!
And your fault.
- I'm not ready to be a man! - What the hell was that?
Bar Mitzvahs rock!
Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.
Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.
My mom told me that if your hand touches poo,
you can get psoriasis.
Yeah, whatever.
Launch sequence activated.
3, 2, 1. Commence fire!
Mission abort! Mission abort!
It might look like I'm having a seizure.
I'm not. This is a panic attack.
Get up Lipschitz, get up!
I can't, Chris.
- Get up! - Sons of bitches!
Do either of you know what time it is?
3:07 A.M., sir.
And what do I like to do at 3:07 A.M.?
Sleep, sir.
Apparently, the two of you don't.
You two would rather be launching bags of feces.
I need a word with you in private.
Feces?
In here.
You see, my son would have executed like a real marine
if it hadn't been for private Lipschitz,
who had a brain fart.
He screwed up the entire operation.
Now what the heck kind of a weird shit is that?
- It's a pulmo machine. - English!
It's for his asthma.
So your boy, he's got a fake disease?
I'll bet you make him wear a seatbelt too.
How is your boy still alive?
Seriously, how?
All I can say is, I thank God and Uncle Sam
that I have been restationed.
- Schmuck. - Come on, Christian.
Let's move. Come on.
Where are we moving to, dad?
Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.
But I don't want to move again, dad. I like it here.
Oh, you like it here? You're gonna love it there.
Adam's the best friend I've ever had.
Come on, Chris.
Chris is the best friend that I've ever--
Move.
He was the only Jew I ever knew.
But then... College.
Could you maybe not mix the potassium permanganate
I prefer to not explode before graduation.
- Here. Use the hydrazine. - Thanks.
Her name was Rebecca Hadassah Zahada Ogin.
You know, me and you have really good chemistry.
And just like that, all of my decisions went away.
Oh, I'm gonna have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.
I didn't have to decide what to eat...
- Surprise. - What?
I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.
Oh!
Who my friends were gonna be.
I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa
has dropped over the past two quarters,
so he will no longer be hosting poker night.
I'm coming to you live from the university of Colorado,
Yeah! I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-Ed.
Say hi for the-- for the audience, Rebecca.
- Hi. - Wow.
Now Rebecca has just informed me
underneath her graduation gown.
Is that true, Rebecca?
That is true, vance,
and I dare you to get a close-up.
Stop. Get out.
Oh, my God. You're so beautiful.
I just--I found this beautiful little pink box.
You're disgusting.
No, look. Really.
Marry me, Rebecca.
Look, these last three years have been a lot of fun together,
but we're entering the real world now,
and in the real world, this can't work.
Why not?
Because you're not Jewish.
Wait. What are you saying?
It's over, Christian.
And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber,
still crying over his college girlfriend.
I miss Bec-Bec.
Okay, I located that one!
70 pounds of pressure rising! Over!
Okay. Locating the septic tank!
Looking at 85 pounds and rising! Over!
Are you there, boss? Over!
Yeah, guys, I'm here. Sorry, sorry.
And did you find the gas line?
Yeah, got it.
- Got it too. - Okay, boss.
We're going to shut them both down, okay?
Tres, dos, shut off!
Guys, I'm really sorry.
I don't know what happened. I must have spaced out.
It's cool, boss. No worries.
I space out too sometime.
But if it was my responsibility
to turn off the gas and sewer lines
of my loyal, hardworking, underpaid employees
next to a leaking septic tank
with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,
I would not fucking space out!
Sorry. What'd you say? I spaced out.
Ay, madre de dios!
Que es eso? What is that?
- What? - Que es eso? Que--
What was I thinking, coming to work with you today?
- It's may 25th. - Oye, cinco de Mayo?
No, pendejo, may 25th is the day
that this chica Rebecca dumped him nine years ago.
And accidentally hooked it up to the hot water?
Boiling toilet day.
Boss, I loved that day, man.
I went to take a crap and the toilet exploded!
I still have porcelain in my ass.
Look, boss, me and Juan, okay,
we love you, okay?
Of risking our life for this puta!
Look, just do us both a favor.
Go out there and find yourself another puta
and move on with your life, puto!
You get on with your life, you puto!
Boss, can I go to the bathroom?
Mm-Hmm.
Have you ever dreamed
embroidered on your favorite undies?
What about your gang name on your baseball cap?
Malt 40! Unh! Manatee! Uh-huh!
Goldie tooth!
Then come on down to the embroidery palace.
Where our royal family has provided
the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years!
No Booty too big, no Booty too small,
because here at the embroidery palace,
we embroider it all!
- What the hell? - Oh, damn it!
Sorry. I told her not to call again.
Could you be any more pussy-whipped?
Rreow!
Yeah. What now?
Stuck working for the family business
and engaged to Hannah Daniels.
This is her 13th call.
Yes, I'm available after 3:00 tomorrow.
Why?
Why would we have a preschool interview?
You're not even pregnant yet!
No, Hannah, it's smart to interview now.
This commercial is costing me an assload.
- Get off the phone! - Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go. Yes, I love you. Bye.
Why didn't you cover that before the shoot?
Do you want people to change the channel
Would you prefer our family go broke?
Oh, mom, no! Come on, mom!
Oh, no. Stop moving.
No, not the safety pin! Come on!
- Hold his head. - Well, you know what?
If my brother wasn't such a douche
and his psycho fiancee wasn't calling him
every two minutes--
She's the best thing that ever happened to your brother.
- Ow! - I got it! I got it!
What the hell?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
What's-- what's going on here?
Hannah! Hannah!
Oh, fuck me! A jackhammer?
Come--Hannah!
You can always call me at home when there's a problem.
Why do you think I was ranked number one gynecologist
by city quest three years in a row?
Just remember, no matter how much it might itch,
I don't want you to scratch it.
Okay, bye.
Oh, hey, I didn't hear you sneak in.
Oh, probably 'cause of the jackhammer that's outside.
Fine. What the hell is going on around here?
They're starting construction on the baby's room.
Honey, I-I know that you want to have a baby so bad,
and so do I, in the future, but there is no baby
to build a room for yet.
There's not even-- not even a fetus
to build a room for yet.
But it can take up to 18 months
to complete construction on the series six BPBC.
I'm sorry. BPBC?
- Baby protection bed chamber. - Oh, God.
You enter here, through the anti-bacterial wash chamber
to disinfect and put on sterilized scrubs.
Once inside, you'll be surrounded
a six-inch-thick bullet and germ-proof baby encasement unit,
24-hour closed circuit video surveillance,
life-size parental control reinforcements,
Anthrax detector, radon detector,
carbon monoxide detector, smoke detector,
and faulty detector detector,
and a panic room.
And--and--and what is this?
Just in case the panic room gets overrun by terrorists.
- Terrorists? - Terrorists.
Well, thank God that's optional.
Oh, I'll be exercising that option.
♪ You're really gone again ♪
♪ if you know what I mean ♪
- ♪ we're two of... ♪ - ♪ We're two of a kind ♪
♪ a kind ♪
Working on a dream.
And then it hit me
harder than Dale earnhardt hitting that wall,
rest in peace.
I needed to find another puta.
A Jewish puta.
How you Doin'?
Hey, I'm Christian.
Hey, you remember when Cheney
shotgunned that old guy in the face back in '06?
I mean, I felt bad for him, didn't you?
Hey, so you been a Jew your whole life?
Damn, a lot of hot Jew pussy in here.
Hey, am I right?
No, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
That is a very nice getup.
Where did you get that stuff?
Thanks. I'm glad you're having a good time.
It's mine.
You like it?
It's hysterical.
About the whole thing.
So how did it go in there?
Bad.
I don't think the girls around here
like a guy like me.
Well, that's crazy.
I mean, what girl here
with a whacked-out sense of humor?
So you, uh,
Only the ones that my mother organizes.
Your mother.
She organized this?
Yeah, and if I didn't show up,
I would never hear the end of it.
Yeah, I know how that is.
You should take my number.
For what?
To call me.
Okay. Yeah, okay.
Five missed calls.
- Oh, who's your provider? - Pin mobile.
Well, that's your problem right there.
Pin mobile has the least amount of coverage in L.A. county
You should switch to AT&T Nation 900
with unlimited mobile to mobile.
Thanks.
Alison.
Alison Marks.
And you are?
Ro--Rosenberg.
Avi Rosenberg.
Man, you do not look Jewish.
Really? I--you know, I have gotten that.
I'm gonna head back in.
Okay.
Avi.
Rosenberg.
I'm gonna head back in.
Okay.
Bye.
Are you fucking loco, boss?
- You no Jew! - I know I'm not a Jew.
- She's just like Rebecca. - Ay, dios mio!
Listen, I don't know why I said it!
Well, maybe you should just tell her the truth.
I'm not gonna tell her the truth,
'cause then she's never gonna date me.
I'm just gonna keep telling her I'm a Jew
Juan, I don't care how big her tits are!
But, I mean, they're pretty good.
Just because you say you're a Jew does not make you one!
I don't know what I was thinking!
Hey, you know, boss,
Jesus was a Jew.
Why don't you just tell her you're Jesus?
Huh? De nada.
Come on down to the embroidery palace.
Where our royal family has provided
the highest quality custom embroidery for 50 years.
Adam Lipschitz!
This had to be a sign.
No Booty too big, no Booty too small,
because here at embroidery palace,
we embroider it all!
A Jewish sign!
All right.
I want everybody to close your eyes
and forget everything you think you know
about embroidery,
because starting next Tuesday,
the embroidery palace will be in possession
of this bad boy!
Behold the mauter evolution 30-70!
Okay. On to the next piece of business,
which is our monthly corporate account review.
Jillie Bean, can you pass out
Now, as you all know,
the handlebar coffee company
has been our largest corporate client
for the past ten--
Years.
They notified me this morning
they will be taking their business elsewhere
due to this.
Do you have any idea how this could have happened?
One sec, dad.
- Adam! - What?
Oh, my God! Oh, God.
I "cun't" --I can't believe that I did that.
But I'm under a lot of pressure with this whole wedding thing!
I got--I got Hannah nagging me about brunch tomorrow.
It's--I must have forgotten to double-check the sample.
You should fire the prince, dad.
Oh, I'd like to chop off the prince's head,
but then there'd be nobody to ascend the throne!
Paging prince Adam.
There's a Mr. Christian O'Connell here to see you.
Christian O'Connell?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come back here.
What--what's the big deal?
You--you tell some girl your name is Avi Rosenberg
and then you show up after 17 years so that--that I can
teach you how to be a Jew so you can dupe her?
Listen, I've been dumped by a Jew before.
I'm not letting it happen again.
It's not pretty, man.
All right, why me?
You gotta teach me how to pass myself off
as one of you guys.
Another decision for as long as I live.
Wow. That's mildly offensive, you know that?
Yes, but true.
Tell her the truth and then convert for her.
No. No, no, no, no. No. Listen to me.
Alison Marks is not gonna settle for imitation Jew.
She can have the real deal. Now, come on, Adam.
- Just help me. - I'm sorry.
Did you say her name was Alison Marks?
Yeah, Alison Marks. Why?
I went to Sunday school
with an Alison Marks.
Okay.
Did--did she tell you what her family did?
Her family? Her mother, uh, organized the mixer.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You know them, don't you?
- Do you know them? - Yeah, you could say that.
- What? - Oh! Oh, I know, I know.
Chris, this is, uh, you know,
are--are--are seeing what I'm doing here,
but I-I got a lot of shit going on right now,
and my--sort of, my world's flipped upside down
and--and--and--and we're looking for preschools.
Wait a minute. You didn't tell me you had a baby.
- Yeah. I-I don't. - Oh.
- It's complicated. - Sounds it.
Chris, I don't think I'm the guy
for this adventure.
Okay.
I understand.
Yeah.
Well, um, you know,
I'm glad I tracked you down.
No, it's great to see you.
So, maybe we'll-- we'll do some lunch,
uh, we'll catch up.
I would love to do some lunch. Yeah, that'd be fun.
I'm gonna be up on my parents' ranch for the weekend,
- maybe we'll get a, uh-- - Well, here.
- Coffee. - Uh, take this.
Embroidery palace.
It's a nice yellow. Yeah.
Awesome.
Don't take this the wrong way, Hannah,
but what led you to diagnose it as vaginitis?
Well, dad, she was experiencing itching,
irritation, abnormal discharge, and pain during intercourse--
Yes, those are the basic symptoms to vaginitis.
They could indicate vulvitis?
Yes, dad, but I ruled out vulvitis
because her vulva was not enflamed.
No need to get defensive, sweetie.
You're probably right with your diagnosis.
I once diagnosed a patient with vaginitis
- You know what? - It might have even been
bacterial vaginosis.
In my 25 years of practice,
I have seen many cases of vaginosis
with no gray discharge.
We've been doing this a few more years than you,
distinguish between vaginosis, vaginitis, or vulvitis.
- Lox, honey? - Cottage cheese?
Okay, excuse me. I'm just gonna...
Use the bathroom. I'll--I'll be back.
Hold it. Bets...
Why don't you and the ladies hand out some eggnog?
All right.
Thanks, mom.
- Nog, baby? - Second that.
Oh, mama, that is some good nog.
Son, why is it that you haven't found yourself
a good woman yet? Huh?
Someone to take care of you... Serve you nog.
Maybe it's 'cause Christian's a homo-sexu-wahl!
All right, you stop bullying your brother.
- He will find himself a girl... - That's right.
Or whatever, when he's good and ready?
I'm ready to bag me a 10-pointer,
and I'm gonna skin him, gut him,
- and pull out his rectum. - The hell you are!
I'm pulling out the rectum, ass tar!
He always pulls out the rectums.
You make a circular incision and--
Clayton, Chuck! Over here now!
Hurry up, there's come rectum over there.
You two take a knee.
Why do you always have to fight over
who's gonna pull the rectum?
You know, that's not what hunting is all about.
Hunting is about the family.
It's about teamwork.
It's about finding peace.
Hello?
That night, when we were T.P.Ing Tim Baker's house,
and I had one of my attacks, and I tripped and I fell,
you could have left me there
- So rude! - Okay, one second.
Just-- but you didn't...
Because you were my best friend.
And best friends are always there for each other.
Moose!
- Yo! - Fuck yeah!
Beauty, ain't he?
But they threw in the matte finish horn sheen package.
Unh. Hey, do you like where I put him?
I could put him between the bass and the boar's ass.
The plan was to remove all traces of gentile from Chris,
which turned out to be a very big task.
I don't get why I have to sell my truck.
Because Volvos are practical and they're safe,
But I'm never gonna be able to fit my kill into a Volvo.
That's why you're selling the moose head.
All right, $200 it is.
- Deal. - All right.
Take that with you. No, let him take it.
Chris, let him take it!
- I'm giving it to him. - No, you're not.
You're holding on to it.
All right. That's inappropriate.
- No. Salmon! - Stop it.
So uh, you think I'm gonna be ready for tomorrow night?
Ow, ow, ow.
Yes, just do what I said, and you'll be fine.
Tell me again why I'm doing this.
Because the law states that you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery if you've desecrated your body
with tattoos, markings, or piercings.
Well, that's stupid.
You're dead already. Who cares?
Have you been taken care of down there?
Down where?
Have you been circumcised?
- Sorry. - No.
Besides, it's not that noticeable.
It is noticeable! Mine looks normal,
and yours looks like a-- like an anteater.
Get that--
get it off of there, man.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
If Chris was gonna stand a chance with Alison,
he needed a crash course in the way of the Jew.
Now, I'm your date, and I need you to give me
seven yiddish words that you will casually slip
into the conversation.
- Go. - Goyim.
The second the waiter approaches,
what do you do?
Oh, uh, I'm feeling a bit of a draft.
Would it be all right if we move to another table?
Schvitz.
Good. Now, you've been relocated
to the new table,
and what do you do?
Oh, could you please turn down that loud music?
All right, now we're on to the ordering process.
Now, you have to remember that as a Jew,
you have to take something on the menu
and alter it beyond all recognition.
- All right? - Okay.
To change that side salad to an entree,
and would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?
Nosh.
Uh, can I have that on the side?
- Pupik. - Dinner comes.
The salad is exactly how you ordered it, right?
- Right. - Take one bite, and you--
- send it back. - Yes, you send that shit back!
We never eat what we order.
- Ever, ever, ever. - Ever!
Let's take a walk with it then.
- Hi. - Hi.
Nice Volvo.
Thanks. I just got it.
Volvos are the safest cars in the world,
and they last forever.
- Yeah. - No nascar getup tonight?
Nascar? Why?
Uh, yeah, I was gonna wear it tonight,
but, uh, the drycleaner has it.
What you were thinking, so I made reservations
for 7:00 near 1st and hope.
- It's near the music hall. - Yeah, sure.
But smokey Joe Jefferson is playing at the fedora tonight,
so I got us tickets.
- That sounds great. - Great.
The music hall is on grand and figueroa.
And I checked traffic. The 101 is closed
between Barham and highland,
to the 110 north and then get off on figueroa
put on your seatbelt.
So after I graduated from penn, I traveled everywhere.
Started with southeast Asia, went to Thailand,
I even lived in India for a month
Oh, I love that movie.
Sean Connery--
Sean Connery is great in it.
So then after I volunteered
as an aids relief worker in the Sudan,
I just felt like I needed to use my finance degree
to help people in third-world countries
So that's how I started working for the IDRF.
- Wow. - And what about you, Avi?
What's it like to be a doctor?
Oh, uh, well...
Yeah, the hours are crazy,
and I'm on call 24/7 for emergencies.
And unfortunately, I have to deal
with a lot of crap.
But at the end of the day,
like you, I love helping people
when their plumbing gets backed up.
Bonjour.
I will be your server this evening.
Uh, yes, Claude, I'm feeling a bit of a draft here.
Do you mind if we move to another table?
Hm.
Ooh.
Claude, would you mind turning down the loud music?
And turning up the lights?
It's so dark in here, I don't think I'd be able
It would be my pleasure, sir.
But in the meantime, let me tell you about our specials.
For appetizer, we have a scrumptious salad
with gorgonzola, candied walnuts, pears,
Cranberries, and a honey dijon vinaigrette.
To die for.
Would it be possible to change that appetizer salad
And could you substitute feta for gorgonzola,
pecans instead of walnuts, apples instead of pears,
and Cranberries instead of raisins?
And the honey dijon vinaigrette--
can you put it on the side, please?
Anything else, sir?
Yes, and I hope this isn't too much trouble,
but would you mind throwing a little salmon in there?
- And for madame? - That sounds great, Avi.
I'll have the same thing.
Of course.
Thanks, mensch.
So did you always want to be a doctor?
You know, I mean, being Jewish,
Become a doctor, become a lawyer.
Become a banker and manipulate the economy.
Go into publishing, manipulate the media.
God, you are too much.
You're so cute. Turn your head for a second.
- Did you get a nose job? - No.
Are you kidding me? That's your real nose?
That's the hottest little Jew beak ever.
And for mademoiselle.
Mmm. That looks good.
And for monsieur.
Thank you, Claude.
This looks really good.
Mmm.
Oh.
No.
Oh, I got-- I'm--I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Here you go.
Thanks, mensch.
And did they turn up the heat in here or what?
I am starting to schvitz.
Yeah, we should probably go if we're gonna make it on time.
Oh, yeah, I can't wait.
Let me take a look at this check here.
Oh. Okay, well,
let me just get Claude over here for a second,
see if I can't Jew him down on the check.
Hey, are you all right?
You seem a little, you know, quiet.
- No, I'm fine. - Yeah?
You know, Alison, I, um...
I mean, I shouldn't even be saying this--
it's our first date, but...
I really like you.
You know, so if I seem weird or awkward or--
that's why. I just--I just hope
that this is the first date of many more to come.
Oh, damn.
Nobody plays jazz better than the shvartzes!
L'Chaim!
Okay...
Aah! Uhh! Come on.
- Hurry up! - Okay.
What's taking so long?
Sorry, sorry.
- I am all manscaped. - Mm.
Trimmed to 1/8 of an inch, just how you like it.
Like a prepubescent boy down there.
It's so exciting. Oh... Okay...
Love you. Good night.
Are we gonna try and make a baby?
It's just I've had such a long day at work,
and do you mind if we just, you know,
skip the baby-making?
It's my most fertile time of the month.
- Okay... - Now make me a baby.
Right. Guess I could find some energy.
Ooh.
Why aren't you hard? What?
It was, like, three seconds.
- Do you want my hair down? - No, babe, it's not--
it's not you, it's me. It's him!
I mean, we had sex last night and this morning
and on your lunch break.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this
but I think that I'm sexed out.
What? What?
You think it's ugly.
I--I think what's ugly?
It's okay. It's fine.
I see 100 of 'em a day. I know it's ugly.
Oh, no, no, I think-- no, I don't think
that it's ugly at all.
I think it's beautiful.
Then why don't you ever go down on me?
Because I--I can't get you pregnant like that.
Oh, now you're just making excuses!
I am not. Okay, fine.
You want me to go down on you?
- I'm happy to go down on you. - Good.
It's part of my manly duty.
Mmm, yummy! I want it.
- Here we go! - Go!
- It's gonna happen - Come on.
- Oh, my God! - What?
- I knew it! - What's wrong?
I was gonna make a baby with my mouth.
- Oh! - What happened?
You turned off the light!
I--well, it was bright in here.
And we were going to bed.
Aw, come on. I'm sorry.
Oh, leave me and my ugly vagina alone!
Open the door.
Honey...
Oh, my God... It's ugly.
It's not your vagina.
It's all vaginas.
What side of the family is this from?
Hey, you've reached Alison Marks.
You know what to do, so do it.
Hey, Alison, it's Avi here.
Just wanted to tell you I had a great time
with you last night,
and I can't wait to do it again.
So... You got the number.
Call me. Bye.
You know what to do. Do it.
Hey, Alison,
where's my jap at? Where's my jap?
Avi here.
Didn't hear back from you yesterday.
But I'm sure you were just busy.
Me too. Long day of surgery at the hospital.
So driving home now.
Thought I'd double up, give you a call.
So you got the number. Call me back.
Buh-bye.
You know what to do, so do it.
Hey, Alison, it's Avi.
I don't know why you're not calling me back.
I thought we had a really great time the other night.
And, you know, I thought we had a real connection.
- Boss! Boss! - I was hoping that we--
Me and Juan have been at Mrs. Wazinsky's all day!
Boss, we can't get the shit out of her pipes!
Yes. Si.
Thank you, doctors Juan and Ramone.
I will be to surgery in just a second.
Backed up in my life!
- Avi? - Alison, hi.
Do you want me to get a restraining order?
Stop calling me.
Oh... Look at this one.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, God! A little warning, please?
What is that, a before and after photo?
- Yes. Isn't it amazing? - No.
It's hard to believe it's the same vagina.
Which one's your favorite?
I don't know.
- So come on, pick. - Ooh, yeah.
Do you like this one?
Um... Maybe the, uh...
"Pearblossom"?
Or the... "Gentle tulip."
- You like the pearblossom? - Mm-Hmm.
Well, that's the cheapest one.
There's nothing to it.
Oh, hold on.
Hello? All right, relax, relax.
What's going on?
No, I can't meet you right now.
I'm--I'm in the middle of something.
Relax and--
you know what? Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.
All right, babe. I'm so sorry. I--I have to go.
What do you mean you have to go?
- And I gotta go meet him. - Who? What friend?
He's a friend from grade school--I gotta go.
- You can't leave. - Why can't I leave?
I don't know which one to get!
Just get one of 'em! Right?
I mean, like, it's not that big of a deal.
It's a big deal. This is for you.
I understand. It's not that hard.
Just go through it. The "gentle tulip."
"Calla Lily Breeze." "LA petite canyon."
Ooh, stay away from "Venus flytrap."
That looks like a-- like a limp starfish,
and I don't want to be looking at that
when I'm doing wonderful things to it.
Okay. Pick whatever you want.
Any price. Kisses.
Oh... Looks like my mom's.
Wait, wait, wait, she said, "stop calling me?"
I'm gonna get a restraining order."
It takes a special kind of woman
to dance naked at 10:00 A.M.
Give it up for crystal.
Did you complain there was a draft and ask--
And you took something on the menu
I put salmon on it. I sent it back.
Jewel, Carla... Lap dances.
I did everything that you told me to do.
My pupik was stuffed from the noshing,
Then I told smokey Joe Jefferson nobody plays jazz
- better than the Schvartzahs. - What?
You--you called him a Sschvartzah?
- Yeah, right to his face. - No.
- Wait, is that bad? - Yeah, that's bad!
- Why did you teach me that. - Okay, I'm sorry.
That's only a Jew-to-Jew thing,
that I'd ever met, and that she had
the cutest little Jew beak I'd ever seen.
And I asked the waiter if I could
Jew him down on the check.
Yeah, but she knew that you were joking--that's different.
Jews don't talk to each other like that?
No! No! We don't!
- Oh... - It's over.
- I'm out. - You are in.
- Oh... - Oh, you are in.
- Yes. - Son of a bitch.
Marcy Marks... President of temple Beth Jacob
wife of my rabbi, and Alison's mother.
She was also the principal of my Hebrew school.
From what I know, no man has ever
been good enough for Alison.
But if you can get that woman's seal of approval,
you might have a second chance.
I'll never forget that day I met her.
Need some help?
You touch my daughter,
and I'll wear your balls as earrings.
- Boom! - Ow.
They've got to be kidding me.
Schlomy and I don't stand a chance.
- Yes, yes. - Thanks.
I'm telling you the Fleischmans are unbeatable.
Yes. Good-bye.
Oh, honey, have you tried this caramel apple skim cappuccino?
It is to die for.
Fleisch... Man.
Caramel apple skim cappuccinos.
Ah.
The earthquake was all the way in death valley.
What do you mean I sound sick? I'm not sick.
What do you mean I sound sick?
Yes, if you send me multivitamins,
- I will take them. - Good. Good.
Every time we get off the phone with each other,
we have to say "I love you."
You're kidding.
- I love you, mom. - Perfect.
Okay, bye. Sorry, that was my mom.
Dr. Avi Rosenberg, may we please now continue
- with the interview? - Oh, yes, please.
Because I was just at handlebar coffee,
and they screwed up my order.
I like caramel apple cappuccino.
They gave me a caramel apple skim cappuccino.
Hmm. Sure, why not?
Great.
Okay, you are single, 31 years old,
unmarried, no children. Are you gay?
Well, then why aren't you married?
Oh, believe me, Mrs. Marks there is nothing
that I would like more than to find
a special young lady
who shares my values and my beliefs.
As a matter of fact, just a couple weeks ago,
I met a wonderful girl. We went out.
We had a wonderful first date.
I never heard from her again.
Yes, well, finding that special someone
is never easy, doctor.
And especially for me.
I just, you know, moved here from Skokie,
and I'm busy with my practice, of course,
And volunteering for Hadassah like I do--
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Yes, mom?
- Colonoscopy. - Yes, I had my colonoscopy.
- Fiber. - I do get plenty of fiber.
Mom, I'm sorry but I have to go, okay?
I do. I love you.
I love the way you wake up in the morning,
- And then the sunlight comes-- - Too much! Too much!
Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Bye.
I must say that I find this very unusual.
That a young, attractive, single doctor
would walk in here by himself
wanting to join this temple.
Now, why don't you tell me what is really going on?
Mrs. Marks, did you know that in the last 20 years,
the rate of inter-faith marriage among our people
has risen from 7% to 40%?
According to the ajc, by the year 2050,
our people are gonna be completely wiped out.
Now, I'm just one man. I can't stop it myself.
But I'm not gonna sit here on the sidelines
and watch it happen. That's what's going on.
All right, I'll be right there.
All right, all right.
- So you're in. - Oh, yeah, I'm in.
She's putty.
Still going down Saturday, right?
You master duplicate bridge yet?
And rubber.
That shit reeks. You guys really eat that?
Gefilte fish is mandatory.
All right, I'm gonna put it in this drawer.
Don't take it out till Saturday.
Ugh.
So good to see you.
There's plenty of room over there.
You guys, I want you to keep eyes forward
and pay attention. Understand?
- Marcy. - Avi!
What a nice surprise.
Surprise? I'm a new member here.
- That's a beautiful purse. - Arianne tunney.
- Winter, 2012. - Really?
I coveted this bag, and I got it.
There's something about this
- that just-- - Wish me luck, lollypop.
Honey, honey, you are gonna need it.
Oh, today we have a double bar mitzvah.
- Oy. - This is our newest member
I was telling you about, Avi.
Has Marcy warned you about our little penis club?
Oh, no-- uh, penis club?
18 years ago, a boy named Adam Lipschitz
had a panic attack during his bar mitzvah...
Dropped his trousers,
and exposed himself to the congregation.
- That's messed up. - Oh, it is messed up, Avi.
What's even more messed up is that to this day,
Adam's lewd act has become the rite of passage
for every boy who's had his bar mitzvah at our temple.
In fact, there hasn't been a bar mitzvah boy since 1993
who hasn't shown his penis to the entire congregation.
I've tried everything. They won't stop.
I've seen the penises of 459 young boys.
So unless you're really into schlongs, Avi,
this ain't the temple for you.
Avi, schlomy and I are so embarrassed that,
on your very first Saturday morning service with us,
you had to see... Genitals.
And we sincerely hope that the fact that our temple
has a penis club won't make you consider
joining elsewhere.
Not at all, not at all.
What was the name of the young man
who started it all? Adam...
Lipschitz.
I hope I don't run into him.
- Yes, don't we all. - I've seen enough.
Excuse me, rabbi, would you like some fish?
Oh, yes, thank you, uh, hyman.
- Thank you. - Mm-Hmm.
Oy! Wow.
I have to say, our people have invented
a lot of lousy food, but gefilte fish
might be the worst.
My advice is to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Two bites.
Wham, bam... Done!
Ah. Ahh!
- Go away! - Damn it, schlomo,
- I am coming in there. - No, you don't wanna see this!
It'll change you. It changed me.
I'm shitting...
Oh, Marcy, I hate to do this to you, cupcake,
but I think I'm gonna have to bow out of the tournament.
No! No! No, no, no, schlomo.
You are not doing any such thing.
If we have to take some sort of slop bucket,
- then so be it. - I'm sorry, lollypop.
We'll just have to wait another year
to beat those damn Fleischmans.
Darn it. What tournament?
What tournament?
It is the N.B.L.A. Regionals.
We are in the finals. It starts in three hours.
- Oh. - But... Well...
I guess that I won't be going this year.
I play bridge.
Dear God, all I do is help you!
I want to thank all of you for taking part
in what is the world's greatest sporting event--
duplicate bridge!
♪ Stand up, feel the sun ♪
♪ you know your time has come ♪
♪ all or none, it's time to feel alive ♪
♪ So here is destiny ♪
♪ to claim your victory ♪
- gimme a 4 of diamonds. - 4 of diamonds.
- Give me an 8 of clubs. - The 8 of clubs.
- Give me an ace of spades. - Ace of spades.
And what does that spell, Avi?
Bridge, bitches!
- Hoo-yeah! - Boo-yeah!
♪ You got it, walk away ♪
♪ Stack 'em up and hear... ♪
Jack trump, in yo face!
We have a two-way tie.
- That means... - Sudden death!
- Yes! - Oh, yeah!
You've all been briefed on the rules.
Three boards. Two out of three wins.
Let's keep it clean.
Begin!
♪ On your mark, get ready, ♪ ♪ here we go, it's time to play ♪
♪ it's a battle, battle, you had better walk away ♪
Yes!
Rosenberg/Marks lead 1-0.
They're freaking me out a little bit.
I've been playing with them for years.
It's disturbing.
Ooooh! Oh! Oh!
- We can do this, right? - Trust me.
It's over.
- Trump! What! - Oh!
Trump, baby! It's called trump!
- It's called trump! - I can't believe it.
- You did it! - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God! Finally!
Who's the big winners over here?
Who beat the Fleischmans? I beat the Fleischmans.
- We beat the Fleischmans. - You!
You did it! You did it.
Oh, you are amazing. You are totally--
we did it. We did it. Yeah.
- Who wants an autograph? - Oh, honey.
Honey, did you see us? Oh...
- Alison. - Avi. What are you doing here?
Wait, you two know each other?
This is the girl I told you about.
She never called me back.
How do you two know each other?
That's my daughter.
Can I talk to you just for a second?
Um, I--I met that guy at your last mixer.
We went on a date, and he ended up being
one of the strangest guys I've ever met.
How can you possibly say that? I think he is wonderful.
He asked our waiter if he could
And then he said that I had a cute little Jew-beak.
Oh, I'm sure that he was just joking.
- He's very funny. - Really?
Okay, well, then we went to a jazz club,
and he stood up in front of everyone
and said that smokey Joe Jefferson was a Sschvartzah.
Well, he is one, isn't he?
He is a psycho!
I mean, isn't it obvious that he's, like, stalking me?
Oh, please. Now come on.
It's not like he has time to stalk.
No, obviously this is some sort of crazy coincidence
that, you know, it's--
now wait a minute.
A--actually, I--I don't--
I don't think that this is a coincidence at all.
No, I think that this just might be fate
trying to get you two together.
Wow.
All right, Alison, darling, listen to me.
You are 27 years old.
And have I ever tried to set you up with anyone?
No! And why is that?
Because I have never felt that anyone was good enough for you.
Until now.
Mm, mm, mm.
- What are you doing? - What?
I told you to let me get to the altar,
look at me for 15 seconds, let the tension build,
and then slowly pull my veil back.
Can somebody get him off the shitter?
Okay, fine. Whatever. Let's just keep going.
We have to keep doing it till we get it right.
I clocked you pulling back the veil after four seconds.
Yeah, that's the least of our problems.
You didn't even have tears in your eyes
- when you lifted up the veil. - It's a rehearsal!
Who cares if it's a rehearsal?
Don't you love my daughter so much that you tear up
every time you see her?
I can't believe you're being so insensitive.
That she is still recovering from her surgery?
Oh, by the way, Hannah, how's your new vag?
Jill! Stop talking about Hannah's vagina.
Less ugly?
- Dennis! - Dad!
- What? - Pookie-poo?
The Daniels are right.
Because we only have three more rehearsals left
Megan, sweetie, your pedal throwing's got
Remember, it's three petals per step.
Screw it up again and you're both out.
Okay, so let's take it from the poems.
What? The poems?
- Yeah. - Oh, honey.
But I need to see your performance
so I can give you notes.
Okay!
- "Hannah." - Yes.
"The day I met you it was like a dream,
"even more thrilling than my father's new embroidery machine.
- Fine. - Fine.
"My feelings toward you are so extreme
"that sometimes when I'm with you
"I just-- I just wanna s--
- Scream." - What grade is he in?
"The thought of being without you
"words can't explain.
"If you only knew what was going on inside...
My br--"
- Ah! - Brain. Brain!
"Brain.
"I can't believe I'm about to spend
the rest of my years with you."
Good.
"And in just a few minutes...
"I'm going to say the words...
"'I--
I--I'm gonna say the words 'I--"
What are you doing?
I'm not ready to be a man.
- What? - Again?
I'm not ready to be a man.
- What! - I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
- Adam! - I'm not ready to be a man!
Adam!
This is why I wanted to rehearse!
What the fuck!
I can't believe I was so wrong about you.
Why does my mother have to be right about everything?
You know mothers.
Mm.
What does it look like I'm doing?
No, no. I think we should--
I think we should take it slow.
You're kidding, right?
No, no, because, um...
Sex, you know, has a way of complicating things,
and I wanna get to know you.
I wanna get to know the real you.
I've never met a guy who wanted to wait.
That is so... Hot.
Oh, shit.
That's my phone.
Hold on, hold on.
What are you do-- what are you doing, man?
I've been calling you all week.
I haven't even heard from you.
What's the mat-- wait, wait, wait.
Hannah?
Who's Hannah?
So then I saw your commercial.
So I went to the palace
and we've been hanging out ever since.
He never said a word to us about this.
God forbid he should tell us anything.
Have you heard from him at all in the last week?
No, no. I've been calling him too.
He hasn't returned any of my calls.
What if he was raped and murdered
Did he say anything about Hannah, about the wedding?
No, nothing. I--I--
- daddy! - You know what?
I disappeared for six months before my wedding, right, honey?
Uh, that was me.
That's right, it was--
how are you a doctor?
Oh, my God!
He's gone forever, and I'm never gonna have a baby!
Oh, God!
I'm never gonna have a grandchild.
God damn it, do something, Bruce!
No!
- I'm not ready to be a man. - Hello?
- I'm not ready to be a man. - Adam?
Now the doctors at the hospital
referred you to serenity hills
because they felt that Adam required
a more intense, hands-on environment for his condition.
His condition?
Oh, Adam is suffering from a severe case
of post traumatic stress disorder.
Oh.
- What the-- - I didn't do it.
I just don't understand
- Not again. - And your fault.
Honey, you can still change your mind.
What the--
Seems fine to me.
- Get him! - Pookie!
Run! Get him!
Get back here!
In case like Adam's, who has a long history of panic attacks,
what we refer to as the "ha," or the hyperaroused state.
Oh.
Is Adam attempting to isolate and detach from his feelings,
thus creating what we call emotional detachment,
or numb nuts-- numbness--numbing.
Sorry.
Now, over the next 21 days,
we are going to be implementing
a series of therapies and treatments.
21 days. No, no, no. That is July 2nd.
July 2nd my wedding.
We gotta get him outta here quicker than that.
Do you have, like, an express service?
This is our only son you're talking about.
We're not putting him on some express service!
- Whoa! Whoa! - Ugh!
We need 21 days, and if you cannot give us that,
- then get him outta here! - No!
We could go swimming. I don't know.
No, you don't need to cry.
It's gonna be okay.
Is it just me or does that dolphin look like Hannah?
He never did that with me, ever!
- Fuck you, Adam! - Fuck you!
Johnny Williams, come on down!
Oh, gosh, I don't think I've seen this since I was a kid.
Wow.
It's amazing they can still find humans
who will actually appear on this show.
I'm Sala Khan.
I've been assigned to be your primary counselor.
Look, if you don't wanna talk, it's no problem.
You don't have to talk.
These things take time.
And I've got all the time you need.
All right, are you ready for some paco?
- Okay, let's do it. - Let's walk out.
And give it a drop.
Okay, all right. Here it goes.
A little tea time.
Why is that only fat people make it into the showdown?
Fine.
You know, you wanna sit there like a vegetable all day
and pretend like you don't hear me,
then go right ahead.
But my job is to make you well again
by having you face the traumatic events
that have forced you into this state.
So... Unless you're willing to turn off the TV and do that,
then I would save the 2,500 a day you're spending here
and go check yourself into a hotel.
Suit yourself.
You stare all you like, little man.
What did you just say?
Mm, so anyway, the moyil slips,
a piece falls off, hits me in the punim.
I been cockeyed ever since.
So, Avi, Alison tells me you're from Skokie.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Al and I grew up in Glenview.
Sorry.
Excuse me. Oh, really?
Yeah, we were practically neighbors.
- Your family still there? - Nope.
- Where'd they move to? - They moved...
To heaven.
Oh... I'm so sorry.
- When did they pass? - They, um--
they passed a few years back.
Can't believe you never told me that.
Well, it's hard to talk about it.
It's very raw.
- Why, what happened? - Hunting accident.
- Oy! - Hunting accident?
- Your par-- - They got shot by hunters.
What were your parents doing wandering around
where people were hunting?
The hunters were hunting in our backyard.
What were the hunters doing in your backyard?
They had gotten lost and, uh, were off track.
And, uh, my parents were wearing their brown onesies
and the--
The, um--the hunters mistook them for elk.
- Elk. - What happened to the hunters?
- Were they arrested? - No.
- They are still at large. - You know what, Avi?
The police in Skokie's an old friend of mine.
I'm calling him tomorrow.
We'll see if we can't help move things along.
Huh.
Forgive me, but weren't you on the phone with your--
can we--can we talk about something else?
- Of course. - I was watching TV last night.
Charleton heston. What an actor.
Not Jewish, you know.
Who isn't?
So I'm--I'm up there and we're rehearsing these--
these poems that we had written for each other.
And--and right at the part where I'm about to say "I do"
I just--I just cracked.
Good, Adam.
Do you remember how you were feeling
in that very moment?
No. I mean, I--I just--
for a split second, I saw my entire life with Hannah
flash before my eyes.
And why did that scare you?
Probably because I--
I don't think she's right for me.
So then why are you marrying her?
You're avoiding the question, Adam.
I think you do know.
Now what I want you to do
is try to pinpoint the exact moment in your life
where this pressure you're feeling originated.
I was 12 years old.
Stop staring at her, Adam. That is rude!
You cute.
You stare all you like, little man.
You are not, and you will never be,
her little man.
- Why can't I be her little man? - Because she's not Jewish.
So I can't be with a girl who's not Jewish?
- That's right. - Why?
- And we owe it to them. - Why?
So what does that have to do with me?
The fate of our entire religion depends on you!
It depends on me!
It's all right.
It all depends on me!
It's all right. It's all right, Adam.
Rosh Hashanah. Oh, God!
Oh, God, bar Mitzvahs!
Oh, God!
Adam, that was really good.
Really good!
I'm here.
Hey, boss, can I get the Crescent wrench?
Yeah, here.
Ah, gracias. You have soft hands.
Ugh. Hey, boss, you remember that one time we went to--
Shh, shh, shh!
Don't say a word.
Hey, hey, beautiful. How you doing?
Oh, nothing, you know. Just here at the hospital.
Checking in on patients, patients, patients.
What's up, baby?
And he talked to the chief of police in Skokie.
And there's no record of any Rosenbergs
being shot and killed by hunters.
In fact, there hasn't been a hunting-related death
in Skokie... Ever.
So I went online to research it, and I couldn't find anything.
Alison, I didn't wanna have to tell you this,
but my parents...
Were in the Witness Protection program.
And when they were murdered, the FBI destroyed their records.
Oye, boss, tu estas loco.
What were they doing in the Witness Protection program?
- Jimmy hoffa? - What about Jimmy hoffa?
Look, I've said too much already, do you understand?
Avi, I just feel like you're hiding things from me.
And you never tell me that your parents were murdered
by elk hunters?
And now they're in the Witness Protection program?
I'm just starting to wonder if you might be... Gay.
Whoa, whoa. Why would you think I'm gay?
Because what guy goes out with a girl for a whole month
and doesn't wanna sleep with her?
I do, I wanna sleep with you. I just...
Ew. That is exactly what my aunt Judy's husband
told her right before they got married.
And 20 years and two kids later,
she walks in on him tied up
with a rubber ball gag in his mouth,
being sodomized by a transsexual
who is dressed as Dorothy from the wizard of oz!
Okay, and I am not gonna turn out like my aunt Judy.
O--
Okay, okay, okay. Listen, we will sleep together.
- I--let's do this, baby. - Really?
- Do you mean that? - Oh, yeah.
When? When are we gonna have sex?
I get back from the medical conference in Dallas.
What medical conference in Dallas?
Remember I told you about that a couple weeks ago?
When are you leaving?
Like, in two hours.
You know, when you in hell,
maybe you and Ted Bundy can be roommates, cabron.
You know, Bruce, I'm looking at a bill here
for $42,765, and considering we said
we'd split all the wedding expenses,
How is your son going crazy a wedding expense?
Well, it happened during a wedding rehearsal,
so I think the case could be made in a court of law,
- this is a wedding expense. - Nice try, nice try.
He's got a well-documented pre-existing condition.
His condition was never that bad until he met Hannah.
Hey, are you implying that my daughter
had something to do with Adam's freak out?
Oh, she's not implying.
- She's saying. - I had nothing to do with this.
Oh, right, you're not insane.
Everyone, please! We have worked very hard
to get Adam to the point he is at in his therapy,
and he has had a very tough time,
but these last few days,
he has truly managed to come from behind.
- Oh, God, oh, God! - Mepong, nekock--ho!
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God! - Oh, ping-to!
- Fuck. - What the--
- What? Mom, dad? - Oh, God!
Get off of my boy!
What are you-- what are you doing?
He never tried that with me!
What is everybody doing here at the same time?
- Oh, God. - Oh.
So let me get this straight.
You no longer want to get married to me
because you're in love with your Mongolian doctor?
I know this must be a shock for everyone,
but when Adam finally opened up to me,
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you mean you just clicked?
We are not going to get anywhere by attacking each other.
- Mm-Hmm. - Sala, please continue.
By the way, you're fired.
Well, I'm Buddhist and you know,
both of our religions were born out of struggle,
so we both place emphasis on family,
education, and hard work.
And the intense pressure that Adam feels
is the same pressure I feel to marry a Mongolian,
so it's no wonder why we're able to connect.
For 43 grand,
you could have connected with every chick in Mongolia!
Okay, sala.
Hypothetically speaking,
if you two to were to stay together and get... Married,
how would you raise your children?
Oh, mom, do we have to get into this right now?
Well, isn't that what this is for?
Okay, well, the truth is--
- The truth is-- - What's the truth, Adam?
The truth is, I don't know if I want to raise my kids Jewish!
- Oh, shit. - Jesus.
Who are you?
Was I not a good mother to you?
Who got you the trampoline that could poke your eye out?
I did.
And when you were in fifth grade
and you wanted to take karate lessons in Chinatown,
who drove you there three nights a week
and sat in the parking lot, all alone, in the dark?
I did.
And do you know why?
Because you're my son,
and I love you.
And how do you show your love for me?
You have doggy-style sex with your Mongolian therapist
on your wedding day!
And then you say to me, "hey, mom,
I'm not sure if I want to raise my kids Jewish."
Oh, Adam, that's fine! That's fine, just--
- Mom, stop it! - Just take it right now!
Oh, okay, Adam, so you're saying that
our entire time together meant nothing to you?
- We never hit you! - We never fondled you!
I got le petite canyon for you!
Honey, honey, I think we dodged a bullet.
- Yeah, she seems nice. - I mean,
you better get a good lawyer, freak-boy,
Okay, this. This right here.
You want to know why I went nuts?
It's because all of you are nuts!
Hannah, I'm sorry that I can't marry you,
but it's better that we end this right now,
rather than dragging this on for a long fucking time.
And mom, I'm sorry that you had to do things
that you didn't want to do.
But you know what? So did I.
I joined the family business and became "the embroidery prince."
Well, how happy can a man be?
And to top it off, I've never dated a woman who wasn't Jewish
my entire life. Well, you know what?
I'm not doing things for you guys anymore, huh?
I'm doing things for me, because I love salad.
- Sala. - Sala.
And that's pretty cool.
I love you too.
Oh, God.
Are you gonna be paying by cash or check?
The dorsal slit allows a tight ring of phimotic skin
to be expanded by shortening the skin near the incision.
With this technique, the phimotic skin
is allowed to stay intact,
and finally, the neocrosing crush.
By using the Tara Klamp,
the skin is crushed for around ten days,
until it suffocates and dies.
With this technique, the skin bonds
without needing sutures.
- Oh, this is tough, though. - Yeah.
I mean--I mean, you gotta love the dorsal slit.
- Well. - Right?
I got the widest variety of scarring options.
Honestly, I'm kind of partial to the temporary crush.
Of the sleeve resection, but you get that pump action
- of the gomco device there. - Yeah, yeah.
Plus, it reduces your smegma by, like, 75%.
- It does? - Yeah.
Done, sold.
Going with the temporary crush, boy.
Snip-snip time, Mr. O'Connell.
- Oh. - Whew.
- Is this your life partner? - Who?
- Okay. - Not that that's weird at all,
- but just, you know. - Okay, Mr. O'Connell.
So me going to turn this little knobby here on,
and you're going to just slowly drift away.
Me want you to breathe, relax, enjoy it.
Breathe in, breathe in.
- I'm scared. - You have nothin'
to be afraid of, boy.
Nurse boo is Goin' sing you a little ditty
- and make you feel all better. - Oh.
♪ When I was only eight days old ♪
♪ hurrah, hurrah ♪ ♪ a-Billy Billy Billy bum ♪
♪ when I was only eight days old hurrah, hurrah ♪
- ♪ A-Billy Billy Bil-- ♪ - ♪ The moyil came ♪
♪ I thought he was going to take my life ♪
♪ but he only took a little bit off the top ♪
♪ a little bit off the top top, top ♪
♪ little bit off the top ♪
♪ Top ♪
oh.
Easy there, Mr. O'Connell.
Next time, don't trust your circumcision to an hmo.
I think she's nice.
I just--I can't believe that you're doing all of this
just so you don't have to make any more decisions.
Oh, Adam. You don't get it.
All those things that you say drive you crazy, I love.
- Ah. - I love that your parents
smother you. I love that
if they hear about a tornado in Kansas, they call you,
even though you live in Los Angeles.
Yeah, we're very nervous people.
You email each other your itineraries
because-- because you never know.
- You know? - No.
- You never know. - Never know.
For the past 5,000 years, every civilization,
every culture has tried to have you guys annihilated.
- Yeah, we are not liked. - I like you.
Like, you're getting the...
Now, Mohammed El-sheikh El sheen El-sheikh is up here.
Now, he's gonna come up here, and then, we got Mohammed--
- Muhammad Ali? - No.
Stop that.
O'Connell here. Speak up!
Hi, daddy, it's your son, Christian!
I'm in Tahiti having myself a mai tai.
What in the hell do you think I'm doing?
Fighting terrorists, spreading democracy.
Dad, guess what I'm doing? Oh, I'm here
with Adam lipschitz. You remember him?
Adam lipschitz? Didn't I order you
to stay away from that boy?
No, daddy, we're life partners.
No, sir, that's inaccurate, sir!
Life partners? Now, what the hell
- Means he's a homo, dad. - What?
Yeah, we're here at the hospital, you know,
'cause I--he's with me so I can get circum--
- circumcised, sir. - What--no, not for me, though.
Circumcised!
Circumcised?
Yeah, so I can be a Jew, daddy.
You can be a-- a Jew?
Daddy, I want to tell you something too,
because I don't think I've ever told you this before.
We never say this, but I love you.
Daddy, I love you.
Hi.
- Ow! - Sorry.
- Ugh. - You know, I'm glad
like something's missing.
- ♪ A little bit off the top ♪ - Ow.
- ♪ Top ♪ - ♪ Top ♪
Alison?
- Want to have sex? - Mm... Not really.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Clear left! - Clear right!
Didn't I order you to keep your son away from my son?
- Excuse me? - Don't you play dumb with me,
shit-lives.
- Buck O'Connell? - Oh, jeez!
Your Adam has turned my Christian into some gay Jew!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Buck, slow down.
What are you talking about?
They're life partners.
Life partners?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What makes you think this?
He called and told me
while he was in hospital with your Adam
that he was about to get his pecker chopped
so they could be gay Jews together.
And then, he told me, "dad, I love you."
What the hell is going on, huh?
Oh, Dennis, we pushed him too far, and he snapped.
With all the pressure that we put on him
to marry a Jewish girl, the Asian wasn't enough,
and--and--and he-- he went the other way.
- Oh, God. - Okay, Buck, first of all,
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, whoa. - Take it easy, old man.
I'm having a hard time believing any of this.
Oh, yeah? Then where's your boy right now?
Buddy, I'm so happy you're here,
- Yeah, please. - I gotta be honest,
And how many times a day do you have to do it?
Oh! Really, I can't do this myself.
- Please, come and do it. - God.
- Come on, just help me. - Okay.
Come here. Put some of that jelly on it,
- and let's get going. - Okay.
I may gag a little as we're going here, but--
- that's okay. - Oh, God.
Everyone gags.
- Ugh. - Everyone gags.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-hoo-hoo. - Oh.
- Oh, that's good, that's good. - Ugh.
I'm actually really happy that you went
- Really, how's it look? - Yeah, it looks really good.
More vaseline, more vaseline.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - Clear!
Oh, God! What?
- Ten-hut! - Drop...
The petroleum jelly, and back away from my son's anus.
Holy shit.
- I knew it. - Don't shoot him, dad.
- Mom? - Adam.
- Dad? - Damn it, Adam,
jelly's for toast!
Alison, I'm not a Jew, and I'm not a doctor,
and my name is not Avi Rosenberg.
Well, then who the hell are you?
I'm Christian Thadius Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell.
I begged my friend Adam here to help me
pass myself off as a Jew so that you'd be able to date me.
Penis club?
Alison, how's it going. Marcy.
Don't you even look at me.
- Rabbi, I'm so sorry. - You.
- "Penis club"? - Before Adam came along,
I watched nascar, and I had the heads of dead animals
and I had no idea that when you order a salad at a restaurant
you can order the dressing on the side--
let alone custom-create your own dishes off the menu.
Hell are you talking about? I fed you Caesar salad.
Jews can custom-create their own dishes off the menu.
They're always up to something.
I can hear you!
That's why I messed up our date so bad,
'cause I wasn't being myself.
And then Adam told me the only way I'm ever gonna
be able get you back is if I could convince your mom
that I was the greatest guy in the world.
So that's why I poisoned your dad
with the rotten gefilte fish, because I wanted
to partner with your mom in the bridge tournament.
All right, we finally beat the Fleischmans, schlomy,
Was there ever a medical conference in Dallas?
No, I just needed time
to recover from the circumcision.
- Oh! - Oh, Jesus!
I wouldn't mind having circus vision.
Why would you do all that?
Because I love you. Alison, I love you.
Oh.
And I want--I want you to make every decision for me
for the rest of my life. Will you do that?
So I'm just supposed to forget about everything you just said
because you love me?
Yes, please.
Son, stop this hollering and just propose to the girl.
Don't put the tongue in.
Well, that haircut is awful,
so let me make an appointment for you with my guy,
'cause he's the best.
I should take that as a "yes," huh?
- Yes. - I'll take that as a "yes."
- Oh. - Mazel tov.
Oh. Schlomy, we've got a plumber.
Christian Thadius Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell... Rosenberg.
Now, that's a nice Jewish name.
We are so thrilled that you finally decided
to come on a moose hunt with us.
I can't wait to kill me a ten-pointer.
I'm gonna skin him and gut him
- and pull out his rectum. - Shh.
- That's the spirit. - Nobody is pulling out
- Think of it, e coli. - You could be more--
you could get bacterium.
There are no wipes here that I can see.
Shut up! Stop the kvetching.
Marcy, yarmulke man, take a knee.
Knee?
- Oy, cramp. - Careful.
Not like that!
For God's sake. Shh.
I remember when my father took me out for my first hunt.
We all fought like crazy
over who's gonna be the lucky one
- to pull out that rectum. - Ah.
- That's what they do. - Oh, thank you.
- Nog, baby? - Damn right.
- Nog, baby? - Oh, daddy loves mama's nog.
Nog, baby?
I'm not really much of a nog guy.
You know, the dairy kind of makes my acid reflux kick in,
and I'm not even sure if the eggs are cage free,
one sip won't kill me, I guess.
- Nog, baby? - Oh, yeah.
Moose!
- Moose! - Oh, yeah!
Nar nuteng and jebei n whatever,
my wife and I, we want to thank you for your hospitality
- and for these beautiful hats. - Oh.
My father says it's an honor
and they've learned a great deal of wisdom
from all of you this week.
Thank you, thank you.
My mother says you're gonna love the fried marmot.
- It's a speciality. - Oh, Dennis, did you hear that?
I can have fried food once every few months.
That you shouldn't have fried food, I just--
- Just eat what they order. - But I--why?
We're not even kosher. Why do you care?
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ where we saw everyone with a smile on their face ♪
♪ oh, I had a dream ♪
♪ of a day when our love ♪ ♪ took the place of our... ♪
I was depressed.
I was self-conscious.
I realized that my God-given vagina
wasn't the vag I wanted God to give me.
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founder of vagina beautiful.
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Dr. ginsburg turned my grand canyon
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In fact, I was such a satisfied client...
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Don't let your labia interfere with your life.
♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ there was ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
- ♪ whoa ♪ - ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
♪ yeah I had a dream ♪
♪ not a dream for myself ♪ ♪ but for all of Jew-kind ♪
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ I saw Jesus and Moses singing gospel ♪
♪ all together now ♪
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
- ♪ oh, they were ♪ - ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ Jews and asians walking hand in hand ♪
♪ smoking schiksas with a Jewish man ♪
♪ even Moses gotta lend a hand ♪
♪ I'm thinking love shalom, shalom ♪
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ where I saw every Jew ♪ ♪ paying retail guilt-free ♪
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ where I saw every gentile order dressing on the side ♪
- ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ they were ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
♪ I want to tell you about it ♪
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
♪ all together now ♪
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ whoa-ho ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
- ♪ sweet love ♪ - ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
- ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ Peace and harmony ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪ - ♪ Oh, sweet love ♪
♪ peace and harmony ♪
♪ oh, sweet love ♪
♪ Peace and harmony ♪
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