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While Hitler pounds the allies in Europe,
American Troops under the command of General MacArthur
are forced to retreat from the advancing Japanese
to the safety of Australia.
During transit, two black pumas,
ceremonial mascots of the newly arrived infantry,
escape after a truck rollover,
disappearing into the Australian Bush.
Fearing a public relations disaster,
MacArthur dispatches a squad of five U.S soldiers
to catch or kill the pumas.
But the pumas are the least of the squad's problems,
for a far more sinister danger awaits them in the high mountain wilderness.
What's the prognosis, Corporal?
Mamma Mia!
Well if that ain't the cat's meow.
As much as I have a fondness for pussy,
I suggest we skip the oral lesson captain
And how, Sergeant Weaver.
Say Captain,
I saw 'Yank in the Rank" three times,
and you and Judy Garland make a fine couple, sir.
So you're the sucker that came to see that movie, huh?
Yeah sucker three times over, sir.
Well you should've made it ten times, Balkhash,
They mights run it a second week.
"North-West Mounted Police",
"Billy the Kid's Gun Justice"
I've seen them all but 'Yank in the Rank",
that's favorite, sir.
You know,
I haven't looked at another girl's legs since that night you left.
Well I've looked at other men.
Ah, but I bet you didn't look at them the same way you looked at me...
That first night in Kansas City.
Ah, it's a dilly.
You know, when you beat this outfit you gotta go into show business.
Maybe, maybe you'll introduce me to Judy Garland hey Captain?
Why...
I'll introduce you to a great anythings Balkhash.
Say, Australia's some crazy place huh?
Like you seen the animals they got around here?
"Boeing-bong-bong"
I think none of them are as bad ass
as the abracadabra we got back home in Tornado Alley.
Aw, Updike you're a punch drunk hay-burner,
Everyone knows the abracadabra don't exist.
Hey, Barbarella, pitfall's a guinea, how come you sin 'tin catalysis" Mussolini's ass?
- To hell with you, you dumb rube. - Now now boys,
we're all batting for the same team here,
- all for the same team. - I don't care what you goofs think,
I'm as Uncle Sam's as the rest of ya's.
Three generations all in Brooklyn,
I might be a wop but I ain't no fascist.
You see what those guys done to Sicily?
Brooklyn? When the hell did that become part of the States?
Say, if we do get invaded and there's a last stand,
it'll be in Brooklyn. Jeez,
there's some neighborhoods even I wouldn't walk into.
This is it boys, guess we hoof it from here on in.
I've never seen a puma before, Sarge,
what am I meant to do?
Shoot them you idiot!
Now if that ain't the biggest purple helmeted snot Nazi I ever did see.
Look at it and weep, Updike.
What if I wipe your ass with it, Mussolini?
Yeah, you wipe your ass with this, Updike,
might just get you into heaven.
It looks like you're about to wet your pants, Balkhash.
The last Puma I saw Sergeant was at the San Diego zoo.
Well at least it was behind bars.
Captain...
Oh Jesus of the pure earth.
Michigan!
Looks like this good old boy was trying to do himself a little hunting'.
Stupid kangaroo fucker, taking on a God-damn puma.
As if a little pop gun like this would scratch those kitty cats.
Alright, Sergeant, I wanna be on top of that bridge by sunset.
We brain those pumas tonight, tomorrow will be duck soup.
Yes, sir. Alright boys you've got three minutes,
then I want a chorus of "Teddy Bears Picnic".
Barbarella, Balkhash, you got detail on the coffin.
Updike, you think you can get Muhammad to the mountain?
Enough dynamite, Sarge and I'll get the mountain to Muhammad.
That a boy.
- Rakish, get your ass over here. - Coming, Sarge, right away.
Son of a bitch.
What the fuck's in this anyway, Sarge, your old lady?
Yeah maybe one of those wop dames from Expositor's pork store.
So Italian's like to eat, you think we got a choice in the matter?
Can the horseplay, Barelli and get moving,
- we're burning daylight. - Yes, Sarge.
You should see how my momma eats.
Say, Captain, what's that Nazi loving eye-tie doing on this detail anyhow?
I mean, God-damn National Socialists, sir.
Orders from the top, Corporal ours is not to reason why.
Yeah, well I don't like shipping out with no fascist.
This detail's crummy enough as it is.
All that we are is the result of what we thought,
what we think is what we become.
Billy the Kid's Gun Justice, scene 42.
Don't go getting all nickel led and deemed, Updike.
Okay boys, round them up and move them out.
You boys drop that transmitter
you'll be down three weeks in the hoosegow.
We'll be careful, Sarge.
God damn right you will.
Say, Sarge, can't we get "The Andrew Sisters" on this thing?
"Beat me, Daddy, eight to the bar..."
That ain't no crystal set, Barbarella,
doesn't pick up signals, it sends 'em out.
Ultra high frequencies to attract the pumas.
Like a dog signal right, Sarge?
We had this old hunting dog back home,
as quick as all get-out when my daddy blew that whistle.
Oh that's exactly what it is, Updike,
only damn more expensive that your old daddy's dog whistle.
Hey, Captain, how come the 96 couldn't keep a racoons like everybody else huh?
Well they wanted Lana Turner but she was busy servicing the Joint Chiefs.
Didn't the 91st have a pet monkey?
Nah that was the general's wife.
Maybe it was a kraut-loving hypo.
Can it, Corporal.
We wouldn't be on this dumb ass detail if that rube wop didn't roll his truck.
I said can it!
Take it easy with that box guys.
Alright, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Oh no
Why you stinking, worthless kike!
I was just taking a drink, Sarge!
Yeah try taking a drink while I shove that canteen up your tight Jewish ass!
Don't go all hard-boiled, Sergeant.
- He didn't do it on purpose. - God-damn it!
A whole stack of man hours went into building this contraption...
a whole stack of man hours.
Guys I just hate to make you hump it all this way up the mountain for nothing.
Okay Private? Barbarella?
Pick it up.
Updike you're back on point, this ain't no hog-tying.
Shit, I can't figure why you bums are with us.
Screwball screwball,
and a no good gonzo, ought to be a law against y'all.
Quit gold-bricking, keep moving...
you got me to deal with.
- Captain how much further? - Not far.
This will do, find a flat spot over here, flat and level put it down.
Put it on a flat spot for God sake.
Jesus!
- And take it easy! - Yes, Sarge.
Right there take it easy, easy, easy.
Everything kosher down there, Sergeant?
Sweet as a lullaby Captain, sweet as a lullaby.
And behold...
God made the heavens and the pure earth.
God's absent without leave, Sergeant, or don't you watch the newsreels?
You don't believe in a higher power, Captain?
I put faith in my own instincts before some imaginary sky fairy.
If I wasn't an Atheist before Hollywood I sure as heck am now.
Rest the men, Sergeant.
Yes sir, Captain.
Captain,
I go the way that providence dictates sir,
with all the assurance of a sleepwalker.
I'll keep that in mind sergeant, dismissed.
Okay you bunch of goldbricks, get off your ass, we've got work to do.
- Updike get some bait out ASAP. - Sergeant
Barbarella. Get some communication going with HQ.
- Yes Sarge. - Balkhash, you got detail on the latrine.
Oh come on, Sarge, I did it last week!
So do it again this week! Move your ass!
Oh you gotta be kidding me...
We've always been here waiting for you
to take you back to the stars
Oh, man.
Shit, don't matter how much of this god damn slop I eat,
this stuff ain't fit for a two year old.
Ah don't be a nudism, Updike, quit your whining.
Captain, do you think after the war you can get me a shot in Hollywood?
And put Lon Chaney out of a job?
I love that big death scene in "Screaming Leathernecks" Captain
where you fled Germany with those five orphans,
that was some swell picture sir.
You saw that too? What are you a masochist?
Not that I know of sir.
Yeah, that death scene was my idea,
RHO hated it but I talked Schrieffer around.
It was the best scene in the goddamn picture, got nominated you know.
- Wow! - A good looking boy like you, Captain,
I bet those Hollywood dames were just begging you to bang their brains out.
Like Judy Garland hey Captain?
Say, did you get to bang her too?
Might of.
Come on, Captain, we'd sure appreciate some juicy details.
Yeah come on Cap, let us know.
Yeah, Captain, what have you got to hide?
Oh no sir, I'm trying to, I'm trying to give up butts...
No take a closer look Balkhash.
Go on, Balkhash, what's it say?
To the sexiest man I know, J.G.
Wow! Judy Garland?
You banged Judy Garland sir? Ain't that the berries!
How about you, Balkhash? How'd you end up in this outfit?
- I mean, you'll all belly laugh sir. - No we won't,
we're all friends here, beat your gums.
My father's a Rabbi in New York,
wanted me to join the Yeshiva,
but I started wondering sir where it was that God actually lived,
and more importantly sir,
where it was that war actually lived,
and the conclusion I came to sir was that both God and war
live inside ourselves,
and the moment we get the fires of peace stoked again,
the sooner we'll all get on with our lives.
That's why enlisted.
Who would of thought,
you're pretty fucking smart for a kid, Balkhash. I'll give you that.
But, but there's one more thing I want,
one thing I want more than anything on earth...
Spit it out, Balkhash.
Is to be a player, sir, to be an actor just like you.
- One born every minute. - Oh it's OK, Balkhash, good for you.
A man should know what he wants,
I mean if a ham like me can make it on the silver screen you sure as hell can.
You boys might be content with putting on makeup
and prancing around like a bunch of pansies in fancy dress.
I got me a man's ambition.
Well don't keep it pent up, Corporal.
I'm gonna be President of the United States.
Well that is a dilly!
Go ahead and laugh you bunch of blue noses,
you all see, my daddy's a senator,
he's gonna grease that ladder for me...
nice and slippery like.
You got a problem with my daddy, boy?
Take it easy Updike.
I ain't the one with the problem, Corporal Updike.
But ah I just like to keep my opinions to myself.
No go on, Barbarella.
Speak your piece, that's what we're fighting for.
The American people ain't stupid, Corporal Updike,
they're about as likely to elect a dumb
redneck cracker asshole like you for President
as they are a dime store wop like me.
- Why you! - Easy, Updike, take it easy,
at ease.
You're funny, Barbarella.
You're a real funny boy. I like you.
Yeah well I think the President should be a straight talking man,
a man of values.
Someone the average Joe can relate to, not some
East Coast intellectual, or pinko liberal.
I think it's a fine ideal, Updike, a mighty fine idea.
Alright I've had enough of this bullshit, let's go
let's get this show on the road. Barbarella I want you on the God spot,
if you see one of them pumas you nail its ass.
Yes, sir.
Fucker.
President.
Warm you up, Captain?
Pasadena, Sergeant thank you.
Captain, wake up! The pumas are here!
Wake up, Captain they're here! Come on,
get up, get up!
We couldn't wake you, sir.
Over do you read me? Over...
Is it a puma?
Ain't no puma that big.
Or some kind of bear, Updike? Was it a bear?
Ain't no bear neither.
I picked a hell of a week to give up butts.
- Updike. Get back on point, - Yes sir.
We're getting the hell out of here.
Slow down, Captain.
Updike, where the hell are we?
Dang! This is the right direction, I'm sure of it!
Well this is due east. We followed the same path down.
Yeah so where's the Jeep huh?
Hell I must be losing my marbles.
It should be here, right here... damn!
Say, Captain...
I think you need to see this.
Shoot, some kangaroo fucker stole the God-damn Jeep.
Yeah, and I think some Kangaroo fucker has stolen the God-damn road.
What are you an idiot?!
Jesus of the pure earth...
it worked... it actually worked!
What are you talking about, Sergeant?
You expect me to believe this flour-flushing shit?
I know you don't believe in anything, Captain,
no need to reinforce the fact.
You're O.S.S? A Colonel?
It's not the road that's gone gentlemen, we have.
This radio transmitter
is a time machine...
a time machine.
We've gone backwards, difficult to say how far,
approximately fifty thousand years.
Begin' your pardon, Sarge, but,
have you completely lost your marbles?
You shouldn't talk that way to a superior officer.
Yeah that's right, Barbarella, don't talk that way to a superior officer
this is bullshit!
A psych operation, a trick, and one I should have been informed of.
That thing that attacked us was a marsupial lion,
extinct in our time but not in this one.
Updike,
- plot us a course back to the base. - There is no base.
Everything within a two mile radius of that transmitter
has been shipped back in time.
- Our jeep's right where we left it. - In 1943?
Now you're on the trolley.
No one knew if the coffin would work,
mights done nothing, might of killed all of us,
and this mission might still be a one-way ticket.
Man you are completely nuts!
Don't pretend like you just got off the boat.
Negative! You put this entire squad in jeopardy.
And gladly, I'm willing to die for what I believe in.
- Yeah what's that? - Away of life,
a political system that works.
Why I'd sacrifice myself and every one of you to preserve those things.
Am I right, Updike?
Hell yes, sir.
The way I see it, Captain,
you ain't the one giving' the orders anymore...
- you all been demoted. - Yeah,
well the way I see it, Updike, is that
I think you've had too much giggle-water.
May I remind all of you,
refusal to obey a superior officer in a time of war is treason.
I prepared this mission,
I studied all of your psychological profiles, all of you!
I know everybody's dirty little secrets.
You disobey me again and I'll scrag you good and proper, O'Brian.
Understand?
We've come back to the past to save the future gentlemen,
to put an end to the tyranny of Hitler's Third Reich!
Humanity will owe you all a great debt.
I wanna be west of those mountains in two hours.
Updike hit the sixes, you're back on point.
Yes sir, Colonel sir.
And, Barbarella you're on fire extinguisher, let's move out.
Stay outta my way grease-ball.
Anybody can make history, Corporal Updike,
but only great men can write it.
God bless America, sir.
- Captain? - Move out, Private.
You heard the Colonel.
You really believe we've moved through time, Captain?
I don't know what I believe anymore, Balkhash.
When are we gonna put that cracker asshole back in his box, Captain?
Upon the road of life I stumbled into a dark wood,
for the right path had been missed.
What, what was that, Captain?
Inferno in Alabama' - scene 27.
Apple sauce!
You see what kind of a fine actor he is huh, Barbarella?
Oh jeez, if he can act us back to 1943
I'll give the man an Academy Award myself.
Hold it right there.
Jesus of the pure earth!
Scatter - hit the deck!
Shit!
What are you afraid of a little prick?
Rakish, Balkhash!
Alright, we can't lollygag around.
Fire up that box, I gotta get this kid back to 1943.
If he lives there's no gain.
If he dies there's no loss.
What the hell kind of an animal are you?
The kind of animal that follows orders.
You took it out of your pants and you should of done some thin' with it.
Updike, that's enough, enough God-dammit!
Okay Updike?
Okay Barbarella?
You wanna get that kid back home then you do what I say... what I say!
You fucking rube, you've condemned us all.
Our salvation lies yonder, Captain, now move out.
Updike, you're on my ass... now!
God damn bunch of 8-balls.
God damn fucking ass holes...
Anything comes sniffing around here, Balkhash,
you shoot it's God-damn ass off you understand?
I'll be right back.
I didn't expect this.
What were you expecting?
Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
We found it buried right here in 1939...
Decayed, corroded.
Forgotten for over fifty thousand years.
Wait, you're saying
that's where that box came from, Colonel?
That box was the only thing salvageable,
it's the heart of the ship...
a quantum wave generator that buckled time
and space like a Barnum & Bailey Circus mirror.
What's our mission, sir?
Why we're gonna fly that giant suppository back to 1943
and shove it up Adolf Hitler's ass.
Those potato-mashers won't know what hit 'em...
Ah boys, we're gonna change the course of human history.
This time next year pigeons will be crapping on our statues
from Washington State, to Washington D.C
Just what us Italians need another fucking statue.
God-dammit!
I'll get inside that thing if it takes me all eternity.
We camp here tonight!
Don't sweat it Private,
that ship's electromagnetic field scares the hell out of those critters.
They won't come any closer.
It ain't the critters that are eating me, Colonel.
It's the fact that I'm gonna have to eat those critters.
Where's your atheism now, O'Brian?
Here you are at God's doorstep but you refuse to acknowledge it.
That chunk of metal means there might be little green men,
it does not mean there's a God.
Well I think it proves definitively that there's a God
and he's on our side.
That sounds like something a Nazi would say.
Well maybe they'd be right.
Maybe the real war isn't man against man.
Maybe it's man against God?
We're gonna use that ship to overthrow God, right?
Yeah, Up dike's on the trolley,
that's exactly why God led us to the ship.
Negative,
whatever flew that ship is long gone or didn't you see those graves?
I wouldn't expect you to agree with me, O'Brian.
I doubt if anything like that has been mentioned in the Torah.
Oh, is that a revelation to you, boys?
Our beloved Captain here is of the Judaic persuasion.
Donald O'Brian is a stage name,
you wanna tell 'em what your real handle is, Captain?
Go on, Captain. You got a right to speak...
that's what we're fighting for.
Undermanned,
Elijah Undermanned.
Shit!
Well, Undermanned,
I believe the destiny of man is to rule the cosmos,
to be first raised as God's children but then to ascend and take his place.
We're gonna need more water.
Corporal Updike, go fill the Captain's canteen.
Yes sir, Colonel, sir.
Might as well ah fill 'em all up hey, Captain.
Ain't nothin' I like better than a round, full moon.
You gonna tell me what you want, Mussolini?
I feel I owe you an apology.
What?
Well growing up in Brooklyn, I seen a lot of ugly things,
Protestants thumping' Catholics, Catholics thumping' Jews,
everyone running their own little stinking' racket,
talk about organized religion.
What the hell kind of tune are you plain'?
I'm playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy".
I'm playing "The Star Spangled Banner",
but unless we all start singing from the same song book,
then those Nazi bastards will have us singing "Lilia Marlene",
you know what I'm saying?
The Colonel's gone mad, he's all balled up,
he's never gonna get inside that tin can.
Lakisha's a goner if we don't help him quick.
So, you got a better proposition?
We got one chance,
one chance to repair that box and get back to 1943
but that ain't gonna happen unless we all work together, cheapish?
Where I hail from a man ain't a man unless he speaks his piece.
I always admired that about you, Barbarella...
You're an honorable man.
Take my hand, Updike, I want you to accept my apology.
You're my gonzo bitch, I'm gonna cut you a vagina.
The bank is open, I'm gonna make a deposit.
Bye bye eye-tie.
Colonel, Colonel!
He's gone, Barbarella's gone.
- What? - Gator' took him,
came out of the water and tore him all to hell and gone.
Are you sure he's dead? What if he's only injured?
No way, that critter had it self a nice bit of dago meat.
Why you lying sack of shit! I'll see you court-marshaled for this!
Fuck you, you Jew faggot, I'll tear you a new asshole,
the wop was dragged into the swamp nice and deep.
Cut that shit out! The both of you!
This is still a military operation.
Any more insubordination Corporal,
and I'll discipline you personally.
Either you tie a leash around this asshole or I'll do it myself.
There'll be no more fighting in this outfit! Am I clear?
I said am I clear?
Updike?
Yes, sir.
Both of you hit the sack.
That's an order.
Take you back to the stars.
What's the ruckus?
O'Brian, you listening to me?
What in the Sam Hill are you doing, going through the Colonel's property?
He's a Colonel alright... in the Luftwaffe.
You expect me to believe that bunch of slimy goose crap?
I don't read no foreign languages.
Then read this.
Fuck.
Son of a bitch!
Colonel, Colonel!
Come back here you God-damn son of a bitch, Colonel!
Colonel...
he left us here, he left us to die!
What're we gonna do?
Are you listening to me O'Brian?
O'Brian are you listening to me?
- The name's Undermanned. - Fuck.
I hope you know what the fuck you're doing.
Are you listening to me?
I said are you listening to me?
God-dammit!
Please Lord, don't let this be a dream.
Are we back?
- We're back. - How do you know we're back?
Jesus of the pure earth...
Oh baby! You beautiful baby!
Oh baby!
Beautiful baby.
You God-damn beautiful baby!
Yeah! Haywood's back baby, Haywood's back.
Oh I wish I was in the land of cotton' shit we goon back to base right now.
God-Dammit, Captain I told you we were going get back, I told you.
You're gonna be on my cabinet, you're gonna be a Senator, shit
I'm gonna make you Vice President!
Haywood's back, I'm back daddy, I'm coming home,
I'm gonna be President.
I knew we'd do it, I knew we'd do it.
"Oh say have you seen, 1943".
Shit we ought to get this Jeep going right now God-Dammit...
where's the God-damn key?
Updike, I hope you packed Leaseholder...
This is the day when the planets will be wreathed in dying garlands,
when the abattoir will be substituted for the guillotine.
Welcome to New Germanic.
Colonel, sir, is that you?
Of course it's him, you can tell by the stench of his Nazi breath.
You overshot your wad, Undermanned.
300 years to be precise.
Seems like only yesterday.
After we won the war
we purged the earth of the racially impure and the mentally inferior
but our crusade won't stop there.
Our National Socialist Armada readies itself to overthrow
God in the 25th dimension.
The fight's not against God, weaver, it's against ourselves.
You're condemning humanity.
Here you are on the edge of extinction
and still philosophizing like one of the chosen people.
I offer you a choice Corporal Updike,
renounce your flag, join the Armada.
Help us achieve our final victory or die with the Jewish scum.
I knew you were one of us.
What do you have to say fo ryourself, Lieutenant Updike?
Hal Hitler!
It's time for you to prove your loyalty to National Socialism my son.
But first, lets make this an even playing field.
Lieutenant Updike.
You will give these two prisoners exactly ten seconds head start
Jawline, man Fuhrer!
You better not lollygag around, O'Brian,
I got me a hard on for some pretty boy tail.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
Go, go, go, come on.
Now come on, come on...
come on!
Whatever it is that you've got, Captain.
I don't think I got it in me sir.
Okay we gotta split up,
I want you to move to that ridge over there.
Let him eyeball you alright?
I'm gonna come up from behind.
Alright move wanna see the back of your ass, let's go, go, go.
Well well, I'm gonna stick you like a Louisiana frog.
Nice try...
where's the other dirty Kike.
Right on your tail.
I reckon you're gonna enjoy this boy...
Now it's your turn Jew boy,
you picked the wrong week to give up butts.
Hey, Updike,
that's hardly presidential behaviour.
Got a present for you if you want it.
Just might get you into heaven.
I'm gonna finish you off for good, Barbarella.
I know you're here eye-tie.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Hey Barbarella,
why don't you stick your head out so I can make this nice and quick.
Barbarella,
I know you're a fascist boy,
why don't you come down here.
You can join us, you can be one of us boy...
I know you wanna.
Come on, Barbarella, they treat you nice boy.
The bank is closed, Updike.
This is the final deposit.
Colonel...
Colonel!
Peer into the world, Captain as their time has disappeared,
and everything that was crooked will now be straight.
Come again, Balkhash?
"Drums Along the Rio Grand", sir - scene 165.
Kid, I got something I gotta get something off my chest.
I never did bang Judy Garland.
- You didn't, sir? - No.
J.G, John Garfield.
A hell of an actor, and an even better understudy.
Michigan! I never would have pegged it, Captain.
Hey kid it's yours, go on.
I hope I didn't disappoint you, Balkhash.
Never, sir. Not in a million years.
Not even in fifty thousand.
Well come on boys,
it's time Uncle Sam kicked a little ass.
Oy vey!
Michigan! You can say that again.
I don't remember this being in the Torah!
As the Nazi war drums pound across the galaxy,
Barbarella, Undermanned, and Balkhash,
are all that stand between good old American freedom
and the fascist domination of the universe.
Walk proud...
The battle for mankind's survival has only just begun...
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