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Can I borrow that for a second?
[Breaking glass]
Ugh.
Jim?
Sup stupid?
So dad...
Like, dad, dad?
Like our- like our dad?
Who else's dad would I be talking to you about?
That's nuts.
When's the funeral?
In Kansas City, which means we have to leave...
Wait, did you say tomorrow? -Yeah.
Oh, I can't go to that, dude.
What do you mean? Yeah you can.
No I can't. I have a lot of shit going on here.
I can't just leave everything, ok?
Ten minutes ago you were passed out in a wigwam.
Yeah, well... no it wasn't a wigwam.
Name one thing that you have to do.
One.
Like tomorrow?
Well tomorrow is kind of more of a setup day.
But I've got a lot of things to...
If I named it, you wouldn't understand it because...
It would- they're so long-range that you wouldn't
understand how they work.
Just name one thing. One thing.
I'm getting a bird tomorrow.
I'm getting a bird. I can't have the guy drop the bird
off tomorrow and me not be there
Yeah, I'm being extremely serious, dude.
It sounds like it's not a big thing...
That doesn't count, Dave. That's not...
Dude, I appreciate this whole thing about you
And don't think it doesn't touch me right here, dude.
But... bottom line, I just can't go.
I'll give you a hundred and fifty dollars if you
get in my car right now.
Let's go.
Hey dude, get dressed.
We got to meet mom and Michelle at the steak-
get out of my room!
It's my room too, Dave.
You left and now it's my room, ok?
Yeah, that's not how it works.
That's kind of exactly how it works. It's called
the case of finders versus keepers, and you're not involved
what are you looking for?
I'm looking for my Alonzo mourning rookie card.
And please get out, because I'm trying to find it and
your gonna screw up my whole process.
But that's not why I want the card. The card's worth like-
where the hell are my avs posters?
You're avs posters are gone. I took those down.
Why'd you take down my avalanche posters?
Because the avalanche suck, dude. Ok?
Redwings are where it was at.
I don't want any losers on my walls.
Well where'd you put 'em?
I don't- I don't want people thinking I'm a chelio's fan.
Nobody's gonna mistake you for a chelios fan, ok.
Dude's a fucking warrior.
You're definitely more of a forsberg guy.
I think people can tell that.
Please, get out of my room!
I'm trying to help you.
You're trying to bother me when I'm trying to work.
Stop!
If I wasn't so scared about tombstome pile driving you on
top of the card I'm looking for and breaking it, your ass would
be on the ground right now. Ok?
Dude, an Alonzo mourning card is not worth a lot of money.
It's gotta be worth at least ten grand by right now.
I bet you ten grand that it's not worth ten grand.
I'll be you ten grand that if you hit me with that
umbrella again, I'm gonna knock your teeth out.
Oww! Fuck, stop doing that!
So you wanna shove that whole garbage bag behind the toilet
for like... two weeks, right?
Pop a straw in it, make sure it doesn't blow up.
There you go, you have a big bag of wine.
You know it's free, right?
What? Yeah. Just uh...
Saving this for later. Jeez is that ok?
My dad's dead, and this guy's being a fucking asshole.
Yeah, last time I saw Devin he looked horrible.
Devin? Who's that?
Shut up, you don't know 'em.
His hair's falling out. -Gross.
He's super fat. -Woof.
Looks like he has a sunburn all the time.
My two boys!
Oh mom, you found the wine.
Hi mom.
It's so good to see the two of you together again.
I'm just glad we could get this guy down here.
I just wish your father was here to see
how handsome you both look.
He always was so...
It made him so happy to see his two boys together.
Oh, I'm sorry honey.
I... I'm going to go grab some of nonna's biscotti.
Can I bring either of you anything?
I'm good. -It's fine, thank you.
Bye mom.
Ok, here we go.
I'll tell you what,she's right though. We do look pretty fly.
You look like an idiot.
You're wearing a tuxedo to a funeral.
You look like a valet.
It's what you wear to a funeral.
You don't wear a sweater and like a sweater tie,
or whatever that is, ok?
A sweater tie? -You wear black.
Hey, you know what time it is?
Oh.
You're wearing a watch which is what's fucked up.
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, what's up?
What's that?
Uh... our inheritance.
Oh, nice. We rich, man?
Not quite. We did get the lake house though.
Awesome, what else?
Uh, that's it.
Yeah, but apparently it's worth a fortune.
Great. So I need you to sign here.
Then I'm going to go down to branson, talk to dad's
business partner charbineau.
He's gonna sell it for us, we'll get big checks,
I'll give you yours, I'll get mine...
Because I need to get changed before we go.
I'm definitely coming with- you're not going by yourself.
Dude, you're not coming with me.
You're- I know what you're trying to do.
Dude, there's no deal. It's all laid out in the will.
It's simple. We sign it over.
not gonna know what to get, and what I need, ok?
Oh, all my fucking basketball- -of value.
All my fucking baseball cards. -Of value.
My Alonzo mourning rookie card.
I have a game worn belford Jersey, three or four Simon
games, I don't think you can even buy anymore.
I don't even think Milton Bradley makes those anymore.
Six month's later, everything seems to be ok, right?
No he didn't say I could borrow the car, but I knew he was gonna
be passed out all day, so the next thing I know,
I'm getting pulled over.
Whatever. I gotta couple fake ids.
What's in the trunk? Case of Antonio menderes cologne.
Stolen. Hot. Malik told me it fell
off a truck later, I don't believe that
anyway, I get called in, become a guest of the state for a
couple months, and uh...
Jim! -Stop! Did you see that?
I didn't do anything.
It's an umbrella.
Jim? -It's an umbrella.
Bad luck, illegal.
Not- shouldn't be doing it at dinner.
Why would you do that? -Are you twelve?
Anyway, what were we talkin' about?
Horsemilk? You said horsemilk.
I like chocolate milk.
That's why that whole story came out of that.
Speaking of horsemilk, where's Matt?
Max.
His name's Max.
He's asleep.
He's tired.
He's sleeping?
Does he- is he austistic?
David? -Why would you say that?
What?
No, he doesn't have autism.
He's four, dude. Little kids sleep all the time.
It's like they get tired. They get real tired.
So Dave, where are you living now?
Because we keep sending you Christmas cards and you never
why I'm not getting those. But uh...
In regards to where I live, I've been kind of on the road.
I've been kind of in and out of places the last couple of years.
Lot of private security things that I've been puttin' together.
Yeah, he worked at uh- he worked at pranks for eight months,
until he accidentally pepper sprayed himself.
And his partner.
What? No that's a fuckin' lie. Who told you that?
Hey, watch your mouth.
Alright everyone, I'd like to propose a toast to Ben brulet.
Not just my brother but my best friend as well.
I... I don't think there's anyone at this table who's
life wasn't changed for the better because of him.
He was a great man.
A great father, and a great brother.
To the colonel.
[Clink]
What are you doing?
What is that?
Dave?
Jim!
Come on.
Are you joking?
Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
Ahh!
What?
Stop that.
What are you trying to prove?
Jim, stop it!
You're humiliating me.
Stop it!
[Yelling]
Come on, baby.
You're a fucking snake and I'm gonna expose you to
the entire family.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
You know what you didn't take into account?
You're humiliating me right now. Stop it!
I'm crazy.
That's my card!
[Yelling]
Give me the card!
No, no!
[All yelling]
No!
Stop!
Alonzo!
[Punching]
Baby, stop it.
Stop doing this!
Oh my God.
[Punching]
Stop! Honey, stop it.
Come on, come on. Get up, get over here.
Are you boys done? -I'm done.
Are you boys done?
I'm fine. I'm cool as a cucumber.
You're bleeding. You're both bleeding.
You're father would be in splits right now
if he saw you like this.
What the fuck? What the hell are ya...?
Did you say something?
Because if you said something, I wouldn't be able to hear it.
Somebody, like, just broke my eardrum.
So...
You have to talk pretty loud.
I can't believe you're married with a kid, dude.
That is so fucked up.
I know.
It's not even like a tiny person. That's what it is.
If you fuck up showing him how to be a person,
he turns really fucked up. That's a lot of responsiblity.
I think about this stuff all the time, Dave.
Me too, dude, believe it or not.
Yeah, if you would've hung out with me more...
You know, recently, you would know stuff like that.
Can we- have a...
Have a sweat lodge sesh?
Uh ok, well that was called a vision quest.
Totally different thing.
Oh yeah?
I had some deep shit going on.
Because it looked like you were passed out naked-
meditating.
That wouldn't have been such a shock to you, if you had maybe
hung out with me more and kinda known what I was into.
What the fuck are you talking about right now?
I'm talking about that you never fucking...
Had- gave two shits enough to go find me until you had to.
I don't- I don't feel bad, dude.
Like...
I went to college, I got a job.
I'm starting to build a life.
If you want to be part of that, you can be part of it, man.
But I'm not gonna chase you down to be your brother.
Well I'm just saying...
Maybe give me a call once in awhile.
You know, I hate fucking talk radio though, so we gotta...
I gotta lot of mix tapes I can bring, but...
You think you're coming with me to branson?
You really- you honestly think-
I know I'm coming with you.
Like, that? That display convinced you take you with me?
I'm not trying to convince you.
I don't have to convince you of anything.
You saw the fucking protocol that Uncle Mitch gave us.
Half that house is mine.
I'm pretty sure even more than half after that
arm wrestling display.
I think legally that's like a binding thing.
You're way more interested in the law than I thought you were.
I've been around it a lot.
We ruined our dad's funeral.
That's why we gotta fix this, dude.
This is the perfect chance to do it.
I don't want the next funeral we show up to, you to pull
a piece on me or something.
Or a blade.
I have a blade on me.
♪♪
So dad's dead, huh?
Yeah, dude, dad's dead.
That sucks.
It really- like it fucking sucks.
It's the worst.
When was the last time you saw him?
Can we not talk about this?
So this is it, huh?
Yep, two years of my life, man.
Two years.
Gives you that much.
You didn't do any bullshit double sp- oh yeah.
I don't wanna be a weirdo...
But could you maybe put your pants back on?
While we're in the car?
Oh I never wear pants on the road.
Why?
You should try it, man, I'm telling you.
Real freedom of movement down here.
If you weren't in here, I wouldn't even have boxers on.
And the car wouldn't be moving.
Good news is I got a lot of tapes.
I picked up a lot a- couple of mixed tapes.
Couple of classics I just brought along anyways.
What the fuck are you doing?
You're- you're ruining my car with my books.
How am I ruining it?
No, I want you put them in a bag or something.
Where do you want me to do it?
In your hand. I don't know.
[Mockingly]In your hand.
Haven't you ever eaten peanuts before?
We'll just do- well...
Do we even have a tape deck?
I don't know if it's the frequency of the radio, or the
lines running together, I just get like hypnotized.
full-time passenger for the rest of the trip.
Oh my God. What are you doing?
What? I'm eating these donuts.
You're eating out of the garbage?
So, that's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
They're not touching anything. They were just on top.
Everything in that bin is dirty.
So it doesn't get all the rest of this clean stuff dirty.
You ever think that maybe I'm the way I am because
you made me this way?
You literally have a mouthfull of trash right now, and
somehow this is my fault?
Well...
You know what they say, one man's trash...
Another man's treasure. Another man's treasure.
Perfect example.
Hope you get hepatitis.
No way. Iron stomach.
Not a rumble.
Are these hotdog cheeseburgers more cheeseburgery or hotdogy?
Check it out.
The gal said nobody bought one in like a week.
Gonna throw them all out. Total score, huh?
Please get rid of those.
You don't have to tell me twice, brother.
Mm mm mm.
She wasn't kidding. I don't know about a week.
C'mon, man! Jesus Christ.
Looks like dad's watch. Where'd you get that?
It is dad's watch. He gave it to me.
He gave- like after he died you stole it from him?
He gave it to me two years ago when I graduated college?
Really? -Yeah.
Let me see it.
No. It's the only thing I have.
I don't even want a watch.
It's a road trip dude, we need some tunage, ok?
That's half the fun of road trips.
A. Taking your pants off.
B. Listening to tight tunes with your brother.
[Playing recorder]
So you got a kid, you wrote a book, what else is new?
See summer slam?
It's a roadtrip, we need music. What are you doing?
I want to listen to the twins game.
Well I don't, ok?
Well, I don't care.
You're really fucking harshin' the buzz on this roadtrip.
At least let me buy a discman and some fireworks over here.
Let me get some inexpensive headphones.
Dave.
Dave?
Dave!
Your fucking stereo is fucking sucking up all the juice.
Well, don't wear so many fucking layers.
I'll wear whatever I want. It's my car.
I can't listen to music on my own discman?
I can't do all these rules anymore, man.
There wouldn't be any rules if I didn't have to
Just like act like a normal person for once in your life.
And you're just fucking laying these rules on me.
I'm trying to be patient with you.
It's like goddamn Nazi Germany.
You're not allowed to say that. My wife's Jewish.
Give me the watch.
Dude, you're dreaming. -I want the watch.
There's no way you're ever going to get this watch.
Well, I'll take it if I want. I'm asking you first.
I dare you, I fucking dare you.
Don't touch me, man.
Dude, I'm driving. Come on, man.
Give me the hat. -Give me my hat back.
Don't fuckin' hit me again, dude.
Do not fucking hit me again.
Or what? What are you going to do?
You're breaking like four rules here.
Go.
Let go. Don't fucking...
♪♪
I'm pretty sure the rest of my cards are down here, and I know
I had doubles of the zoa card so you better hope I can find it.
And definitely all my karate trophies.
I don't remember you being any good at karate.
I remember kicking your ass a bunch.
I will give you one percent of my half of the house
No. You're not getting the watch, Dave.
Jesus. Look at all this trash.
Maybe there's squatters living here.
Were you partying down here, Dave?
No.
[Thunder]
Fuck, it's locked.
Uncle Mitch didn't give you a key?
No, he didn't give me a key.
I bet I can handle this.
[Glass breaking]
Got it.
Now this one's not even locked I don't think.
[Keys jangling]
Spare key.
Well open the fucking door, man.
Move, dude, I have to go to the bathroom.
And don't touch my cards if you find 'em.
Were mom and dad, like, secret party animals?
I think we have a hole in the roof or some kind of
water leak up here.
Ah cripes.
This place is trashed.
Jesus.
Shit.
Oww.
Fuck.
[Footsteps]
What are you doing down here? We have a problem.
I'm trying to turn the power back on.
I think we have some pretty serious wasps.
We gotta fuckin' huge skunk I just saw in the bathroom.
Now to lure it out, we're gonna usually- we'll usually drill a
hole in the central part of the house, try and find one of its
young. If it's the mother, it will follow it out.
Get it right there, ok?
Garbage bag, shovel, smash it,
burn it, eat it, whatever ya want.
If it's the father, then we got a whole other set of problems.
Now the skunks are the worst.
Oh dinosaur museum plus haunted house.
That sounds spooky.
Just one more second.
Have you got some patience in your pocket?
Could we get a double for tonight?
Oh a double, let me look on the computer and
see if we got one for ya.
Yeah, looks like we're all booked up.
Yeah, convention in town, I guess.
Really? 'Cuz there's nobody in the parking lot...
Yeah, I guess the only thing available is the guesthouse,
but that's where I'm staying.
Yeah so if you guys wanna come over.
I bet we can all squeeze in there.
Just you on top of me on top of him. Right?
[Laughing]
It's a joke. I'm jokin' with ya.
I'm jokin' with ya, buddy.
I'm jokin' with ya. It's fine, it's fine.
Yeah, you can just get any single possible room in the
We can get ya the honeymoon suite and that's got a
a built in jacuzzi.
And we got some champagne on ice for ya.
We got a two foot pyramid of flavored condoms that we put
I like that, that sounds pretty good.
No we just want a regular-
the thing about this jacuzzi is it's an old jacuzzi.
'Cuz I hate these new jacuzzis. I hate having to break one in.
There's no television. And there's one bed.
So you guys will have to cuddle up with each other.
What about the guest house thing you were mentioning earlier?
I've got four beds, but I push them all together.
So don't worry though, I think we can all squeeze
in there if we like.
Can I talk to you outside for a second?
Do you need help getting your bags outta your car?
'Cuz I'm a...
...I'm a helpful little helper.
Always a bridesmaid I guess.
Fuck!
That guy was kind of weird huh?
I don't see us beating that honeymoon sweet deal though.
There's no way that we're staying here.
You're going back to the house with the skunks?
I wouldn't suggest it.
Alright, what do you want to do?
[Car speeding past]
♪♪
Yeah, the guy with the wonder years haircut.
Sir, may I see your room key please?
Yeah, sure.
You know what, I think I left it in my room.
Just tell me your room number and I'd be happy
to go to the front desk and make you a new one.
I don't have a room number.
Because I don't have a room here.
I'm stealing this breakfast.
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you leave.
Alright.
Hey.
Hey!
Ah fuck.
What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?
What? -What are you doing?
I woke up, you were gone.
You were trying to fuckin' leave me.
I got you a fucking breakfast, dude.
Get in the car.
Fuck you.
[Honks] Get in the car.
[Thud]
[Hiss of airbag inflating]
What the fuck?
♪♪
How did this place get so messy?
I don't know what you're talking about man.
It looks the same to me.
What, are you blind?
Mom and dad were neat freaks.
This looks like homeless people lived here.
Well if they were living here, then they wouldn't be homeless.
Well, I don't know... you're living here and you're homeless.
Well, you're here...
Hmm?
You're brain stopped working there for a second.
Oh, check it out, dude.
Found dad's old bowlng ball.
Think it still works?
Um, I'd assume so.
Alright, all this stuff can come out of my half of the house.
Alright. But just wait until I get out of the way before you-
ohh! -What the fuck dude?
You gotta give me the watch now because I got it first try.
Those are the rules. -I didn't agree to that.
Gravity test, heads up.
This is how you spot a dude who just bought a jet ski, alright.
He's sitting like this.
He's sitting like this, alright?
You want your center of gravity all the way back.
You want your butt almost in the water.
This is for cigarrettes, whatever, kegger, anything.
That's what you wanted to show me?
Yeah.
Come on man, we're gonna be late.
Let's go meet charbineau.
You know him too. You've met him like fifteen times.
I don't know this guy. I've never met this guy before.
He's been dad's business partner your whole life.
You've met him like twenty-five fuckin' times.
No, that's not true.
Yeah, it is.
Unless... wait, is he?
He's not like a big, giant puerto rican guy, is he?
Ok, I thought it was somebody else.
Who was that guy dad used to hang out with?
That puerto rican guy.
That's not this guy, are you sure?
I don't think you're thinking of dad.
Well I know what dad looks like.
Do you?
Yeah.
I think you want to go mezzanine first.
Do mezzanine level first. -Can you just stop?
Do mezzanine level first, then check in,
and then, were gonna... -Stop, Dave.
[Ding]
Did you hit it?
We'll check in and then we'll...
[Grunt]
That was a cheap shot, man.
Fuck you.
Buggy, it's me.
I... I want early bird and elmo mo mo in the third.
Ten large. No ten large.
Each. Alright, bye bye.
Well, well, well.
You had me worried you two.
Your little tussle the other night.
Look at ya. Look at ya.
Just a little brotherly competition.
Ah good. -Which I won by the way.
What business do we have here today, gentleman?
We're just signing some papers and picking up some cash
I think.
[Laughs]
Slow down there chief.
Not quite that simple.
Now I'm not sure if you've seen, but it's not exactly
in it's best condition.
It needs to go through a little restoration process.
It's... let's see what we got here.
Yep, alright. There you go.
Roof damage. A couple of walls need retouching,
new furnace, switchboard, uh pest control.
It shouldn't be a problem to take care of.
Just a couple weeks worth of work.
We were sort of under the impression that we'd show up,
sign it over to you, get some checks today possibly.
Uh, I could try to sell it for you the way it is.
The bigger problem, is that the off season just started,
so noone's looking to develop right now. But uh...
We know you have nowhere to go, but I have a job.
Do we have a plan b?
Well, the contractor can get this baby looking brand new.
Couple weeks worth of work.
Uh, that might be your best bet unless you want to, uh,
ride it out until spring.
Two months doesn't sound too bad.
You need to stop talking.
We're not going to do that.
Sounds like to me hiring up a crew is the next step.
Now I can make recommendations.
Or I could put the whole thing together for you.
Alright, alright, what kind of rip do you get on that?
We use your goons, you get a kick back of what?
20 percent? That's the scam? Ok...
That might work on these yokels here, asshole.
But I've been rolled enough to see it coming.
I see you coming, and I see right through you.
I think what my dumb brother's trying to say is we appreciate
your help, we're not really in the position to bring
What's this? What are you doing here?
What, you give me a hundred, I give you two hundred?
Is this the cup in the ball?
I don't know what's going on here.
Jim, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Yeah. Come here. I have to talk to you outside.
Me and you, fixing the house together.
No. Absolutely not.
Alright, listen. Hear me out.
Listen, listen!
I know how to do all the stuff.
I'll do all the floorplans.
I'll write- I'll make the blueprints myself.
Dude, we don't know how to fix a fucking house.
I know how to fix houses. I fixed houses for two years.
Oh, when did you fix houses for two years?
Tulsa? You mean when you were working at a zoo?
Yeah, I worked at a zoo, building animal-
You were a groundskeeper. You were a groundskeeper at a zoo.
You picked up dog shit and fed mice to snakes.
Why would there be dogs at a zoo?
The whole point of a zoo is you get to see animals that you
That's your first point? That's your first point?
Maybe the forty fucking houses I built after hurricane Katrina
where I volunteered, because I had to.
Let's assume that you did know what you were doing.
I don't have time to watch you dick around trying to
fix a house. I gotta get back to my life.
My kid and my lady.
You're picking them over me.
I'm not picking anybody over anybody.
Sounds like your new family is a little more important
Dude, come on. I don't have an old family or a new family.
I have a family.
But they need me now.
If you won't do it for me, do it for dad.
That's not cool.
Don't fucking say shit like that.
If you're not doing it for dad, do it for me.
Well John, Dave and I were talking outside and I think...
I think we're gonna take this renovations on ourselves.
Is that a fact?
Sure is.
Well, I'm not gonna try and stop you.
But... if I was a betting man, and I am.
I'd bet my balls that you don't get passed the front door.
Oh is that so? Well I got news for you, John.
I fixed that door last night actually, so...
And that's a fact.
[Crash]
I can fix that. I can fix that.
Fix that real quick.
Nothing wrong.
Probably fine.
[Crash]
You know what, we'll put that on my tab.
We'll get a tab going. We'll put that on the tab.
Boy you two, you remind me exactly of your father.
Ah now he's trying to get into our head.
That's it, that's it.
You boys go do what you need to do.
I'll be here if you need me. How does that sound?
Great.
In the meantime...
Your father had me put together a little nest egg for you.
There's a lot of money here, man.
He planned well for a rainy day.
This is for the door.
Well played kemosabe, well played.
♪♪
Dude, I guarentee that guys crew is the Russian mafia.
He was talking about a construction crew, dummy.
Russian mafia, dude. That's what I'm telling you.
They shang hai 'em by the dozen.
They ship them in by the boatload, man.
We do not want to get mixed up with that shit.
Plus, we're gonna save a shitload of money.
It's an awesome brother project to do together which is like
the reason we're down here.
the car. I'll get the supplies right now and come back.
No. -Why? Just killing two birds-
I'm not going to let you drive my car.
Why? -'Cuz you're a crazy person.
No, I'm not. I know what to- do you wanna go?
No. I gotta-
you download your blogcast and I'll go do the real work.
Dude, this is a pretty involved thing.
I feel like we should- -I've walked around.
Shouldn't we like talk to a guy or something?
Yeah, we're the guys. That's the best part.
Just me and you. We get to figure it out.
So I'll bring it back and then we'll get started.
Ok?
Be careful with my car.
Dude, you gotta learn how to trust me, alright?
Alright, you stay here.
Go play minesweeper or something and I'll be right back
[shot]
Come on, be careful!
So I think we're gonna stay down here and
I thought you were just supposed to go down there and
get the deed and then... Come home?
Yeah, that's what I thought too, but this place is
actually kinda trashed, and I think Dave wants to do it
Yeah, I know, but I haven't seen him for awhile and we spent a
lot time down here growin' up.
I don't know, I just- I can't explain it.
You... can't fix a house, Jim. I'm sorry. You couldn't
even fix a drain when it was just clogged with hair.
Yeah, I know. But this place means a lot to me.
I want to do this we got all our old stuff here.
It should only be a couple days.
Why don't you just hire somebody to do that...?
Dave won't sign the deed unless we do this.
Plus, this is like the last thing I'll ever do for my dad,
so I want to do it right.
Un-fucking-believable.
Dave, you were gone for three hours and you bought beer
instead of supplies.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Dude, I got a shitload of supplies in the car.
Check it out, man.
What is all this shit?
Party pad.
No, that shirt- that is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen.
I found them outside some like old folks' home, so...
Look, we're not here to make a party pad.
We're here to fix what's broken and get the fuck out of here.
I've been working all day. Getting all this stuff.
I need this money, David.
You want a cowboy hat?
No, I want this money.
I'm down to fix the house too.
Why can't we have a little fun too?
I see what you're lookin' at.
Guess how much that was.
I don't want to. -Guess.
I don't want to. -Nine hundred bucks.
You paid nine hundred dollars- ?
For virtual cop. -Yeah, virtual cop two.
There's a certain level of professionalism that
we expect from everyone here.
And that includes our associate professors.
Now, I'm sorry about your father but it's been over a week-
Jim, Jim, Jim.
I'm gonna call you back.
What do you want? What?
They got pretty much everything we need in there,ok?
Supplies-wise.
I definitely shoulda came here first. That one's on me.
Awesome. Let's go.
But uh... bad news is they are closed for some reason.
I thought they closed at seven, dude?
Maybe... is it like president's day or something?
Old timey photo place down the street.
I say we head down there, get cowboyed up a little bit,
maybe get some tombstone pics, and have fun.
This whole trips supposed to be a little bit of renaissance for
a us both, right? Correct?
No, not at all.
I don't see why we can't do both, alright?
Fix the house but also have some decent brother time.
Now I say, we take these envelopes we got from
charbineau. They're full of coupons and shit for amazing
attractions around town, have some fun today.
Then we start fixing the house.
No. You can't get any work done.
The hardware store's closed. We don't have any supplies.
Work for my job, dummy.
I'm already behind on like seven different things.
We're doing this together.
No we're not, Dave.
I'm going back to the house. Give me my keys.
Now I'm thinking... What I was saying before...
What if you're like Wyatt earp's like wife who's addicted to
cough syrup. Because I feel like you're kinda in that
mode right now anyway where you're kinda being a bitch,
and I feel like I'm gonna go a little bit more
of a bill Paxton route.
I feel like you're getting angry right now.
Don't let my jacket touch the ground.
Alright, now we're talking.
Oh, Jim, check this out.
Glug, glug, glub.
Easy there buckaroo.
I'm gonna need to see some ID now before I let you go
drinking up all my swill.
[Laughing]
I'm just kidding of course.
My name's grant.
How you doin' grant?
Well grant, we both grew up in Minneapolis matter of fact.
We're brothers.
Ahh, Great Lakes up there.
My son and I drowned a cat up there once.
You don't say? -That's right.
are looking to get a couple pictures taken.
And I'm thinkin' like third act tombstone.
You came to the right place, sir.
Let's get you set up.
Alright.
♪♪
They better be heavy.
Yum yum, drink up.
We payed ninety bucks for 'em.
These are ninety dollar drinks?
A piece, yeah.
But I mean, they're for like eighteen people.
So, have you guys had a chance to look at the menu?
We need like another minute to-
I think we're good. I'm gonna do...
Let's do two chicken almond dings.
Um... three of those window specials.
I saw a guy eating lo mein tacos, but I didn't
Yeah, they're on our very special menu.
For very special costumers.
She's already hooking us up. I like this already.
For drink wise...
Other then these, just three Tequila shots,
three orange whips, three beers.
That's it, for right now.
And you?
Oh no, it's for both of us.
We're brothers. This is my brother.
Hi.
Oh hi.
I'm Dave by the way. I forgot to- so rude.
Oh these are beautiful rings.
[Kisses]
Are those mood rings?
I can tell because you look so happy.
And you are?
Jim.
Petra.
You have really nice hands.
I'm actually married so, uh...
Oh, me too.
Hey me too. We're all married.
No you're not.
I'm gonna get your food order and deal with some other
costumers. I will be back.
Enjoy these drinks. See you soon.
Thank you, bye.
Dude, what the fuck was that all about?
You talking about being married and shit?
Like she doesn't wanna know- she didn't ask you that.
She doesn't care about that, ok?
Me and her had a thing going.
You jumped in and tried to get in on it too,
Ok, first off, she was flirting with both of us.
No, first off, she was being polite to you.
We had a flirt going, and you, you kind of snuck in and she
felt kind of obligated because this is like her job to like
make the costumers happy.
You know that girl's a hooker, right?
Sorry. That was inappropriate.
That just shows what my feelings are.
You talk about a guy's girl like that...
I just had no idea that you had such a thing for hookers.
She comes to this country from Russia to try to make a living
for herself and you are belittling her-
she's totally British.
She's not... I know what Russian girls sound like.
You are the dumbest person I've ever met.
She's Russian doing a British accent.
You think she's a Russian non-hooker, and
she's a British whore.
Let's just drop it.
She's a whore.
I'll do one for my wife and one for me.
I love facial hair.
Facial hair is so sexy.
Right?
Let's do one before I go.
I'd grind you up and turn you into a hotdog.
To your wife.
I feel like we're really putting this in progress tonight.
Ebony and ivory go together...
Who am I?
Stevie wonder.
Ray Charles.
I don't smell like an idiot? This is Louie ck, man.
Yeah?
Well. Good shit.
Haha, look at these guys.
What, this guy ever make out with a girl before?
Look at him.
He's fumbling around.
Yeah, that's a joke.
She's not that hot.
Yeah, get it buddy.
Yeah.
Grab her ass.
Grab her ass. Finish.
business in an alley way.
Oww.
What the fuck?
How did a Latino bean and broccoli turtle
end up in branson?
What happened to you?
I just got my ass kicked.
I told you that girl was trouble.
It wasn't her. It was these guys.
Those guys?
Yeah.
Well I guess we should get rid of your karate trophies 'cuz...
Me and my brother need to tell you a secret.
Come here real quick.
We just want to bury the hatchet.
What are you doing, Dave?
Jim, we'll figure it out. We always do.
No, we never do.
Now, what I don't understand is, if these two guys
are from Cleveland, then where are you-
[punch]
[Sigh]
You boys gonna be here a long time.
See that?
Aviator.
That's me.
Flying this ship.
Now pick 'em up.
What? No.
That's alright.
The point I'm trying to make is, I'm in charge.
You understand?
I'm the boss!
Bruce!
Heel.
Well, well, well.
[Chuckles]
I see you met my killer.
Y'all be careful, because I say the word, he attacks.
What's the word?
Go.
Stop.
Did you say it?
Or were you just telling 'em the word?
I was telling 'em the word, Bruce.
Alright, 'cuz I just wanted that word.
He's anxious.
He's hungry to kill.
I want the word.
Just like I'm hungry for a snack.
Mmm.
He's hungry.
Do you want like a spoon?
Huh?
That you can eat with?
We got spoons here.
I happen to enjoy it oyster style.
Are we actually being charged with anything?
'Cuz legally if you're gonna charge me with something,
you need to present me with a police report.
Mm, yeah we got one.
Gonna print out two copies right now.
Oh I don't actually have it.
Well, y'all don't go nowhere.
Bruce and I'll be right back.
Donna, can you print out them a police reports?
Yeah.
Smart shit with that police report, dude.
Not really. I made it up.
Really?
It sounded real. Do you think they know that?
I don't know, but we gotta get out of here as soon as possible,
because you've already cost us a day on the house.
Fuck you, give me a fucking break, dude.
Everything I do is just so fucking stupid.
And you have, like, so much more important shit you have to do.
Yeah, I agree.
At least I'm there when people need me.
Oh, come on.
I had to drive halfway across the country to take you to your
Oh, now you're the fucking hero of the family.
You can do whatever the fuck you want.
Call everbody shitheads.
That's all I'm saying.
Yeah right.
I'm there and you're not.
When have I not been there?
A ton of times, like...
That time I went to rehab.
Remember? Remember that?
I was- I was like- I was having some problems and you know mom
and dad were there, and a couple of other people were there,
You know, everyone was there but you. You know?
You had some- you had some kind of desimination you had to do.
Yeah, and that's like a book report kind of thing.
It sounds like a really important book report.
Yeah I've got a fucking book report to do. Whatever.
The time I got arrested. Remember when I got arrested?
Mom and dad were in Europe.
Boy, I got real comfy in that jail cell.
Nobody came and bailed me out.
Nobody showed up.
I was on a writer's fellowship.
I'm- I'm just being such a shithead. I should
have known that you were on some writer's fellowship...
I'm sorry I missed all your fucking fork in the road
moments, Dave, but it looks like there's gonna be a
milion more.... [banter]
Well, well, well.
It ain't looking too good, boys.
It turns out one of you's got a warrant in Springfield.
The other hasn't payed taxes in years, so...
I, I put a call in to the governor to see if I could get
you extradited, maybe you could face these charges in the state
without the death penalty...
My hands are tied.
There ain't much more I can do. You know-
alright, y'all are free to go. So, uh...
Bruce, I thought we were gonna sweat 'em out a little bit more.
Yeah.
Yeah, you guys are- you guys are...
Yeah, ok. It's too late Bruce.
Nonetheless though.
You've each been implanted with a micro chip so I'm gonna be
monitoring you from here on out.
♪♪
What are you doing in dad's office?
Quit dicking around. No, you're counting change.
You're stealing change.
I'm not stealing change.
Half of that change is mine.
I don't want all the nickles. I want most of the quarters.
You don't get to have all the quarters.
Come on, we have to go figure out where to start.
I know, I know what we need to do.
I got this list from charbineau.
It's got everything we need to do to the house on it.
You got a list from charbineau?
Half this shit we can do today.
Well you seemed like you knew everything that was going on
earlier, so...
We got work to do.
[Crashing]
[Breaking glass]
[Thwak]
You almost hit me in the face with a hockey puck.
If I wanted to hit you in the face, I would've
hit you in the face.
Dude, you and me both know the best work I do is in the crease.
That's not true. You weren't ever any good.
Well, if I wasn't any good, why don't you try and score on me.
[Sigh]
So, if I score on you, you have to go clean the dock right now.
Alright, dude, but if I shut you down, you've gotta
give me that watch.
Also if you get in my crease, I will take you down.
Ok? I'm not gonna apologize for that.
That's just an instinct, alright?
From years of goal tending.
Number two, do not aim for my throat.
Oww, I'm not ready yet. Stop!
I'm not ready. I'm not.
I gotta get set you fuckin' wad.
'Cuz I just fucking scored, bro.
Now I'm ready. Try again.
Let's go. This is the one that counts.
Nice work, dipshit.
Ok, that one's coming out of my half.
They're open, dude. Don't worry.
This guy's selling churros. I might try and check that out.
But uh, yeah...
Hey where're you going?
[Ding]
Welcome to the store. May I help you?
Uh yeah.
Do you have wasp spray?
All of our insecticides are on aisle five.
Cool, thanks.
You guys still close at three?
Seven to seven every day, rain or shine.
What about yesterday?
Rain or shine. Seven to seven.
Every day.
Alright, thanks man.
Jackpot.
What's up, what's up?
What are you all mother fucker's doing?
Ah, I'm just playing. I'm just playing. What's up?
Wow, divorce?
Yeah, yuck.
Actually it's not bad 'cuz I'm not miserable now, so...
Yeah.
You, you have a baby.
I know, right?
Wow. I'm so happy for you.
Jim, you're not going to believe this shit.
Next door, laser tag place?
Looking for supplies for the house.
Ended up getting jumped by a bunch of construction workers.
Can you believe that shit?
Yes, actually I believe it.
Lauren Kennedy, do you remember my brother, Dave.
Hey. What's up? -Hi.
We went to camp together. Her parents had a trampoline.
You guys used to bone down, didn't you?
We used to date, yeah.
You did- you took her virginity. That's fucked up, dude.
Actually I took his. For the record.
Ohhh.
Wait, what happened to you? You got jumped outside?
I got like, just got hit by a motorcycle actually.
It was pretty crazy but I'm totally fine.
I'm good.
Out front, yeah. It just clipped me. But... everbody's ok.
Oh my God.
He's an idiot.
Where are your shoes?
Oh, lost 'em in the crash.
That's crazy.
Pop right off.
You didn't go pick 'em up?
I'm fine though. I'm cool, I'm cool.
He might be kinda fucked up.
How long are you guys here for?
A couple days.
Ok, well if you want to catch up more, or whatever...
Great yeah.
Nice to see you.
I did not get jumped.
Bye, nice to see you. Hope you feel better.
How many times have you been beat up the last few days?
You got her number. Help you get over your wife.
Uh, I don't need to get over my wife, dummy.
Don't you hate her though, or something?
I'm probably thinking of somebody else.
Man, it's fun being back down here, right?
Did you lie to me about the hardware store being closed?
The guy at the counter said that they were open the other day.
Well maybe that dude was lying, you ever think about that?
Dad was always our coach, man.
Football, baseball, hockey, karate.
anybody else teaching his kids how to do anything.
Yeah, we gotta find these karate uniforms, dude.
You really think your old gi's gonna fit you smart guy?
No, I bet dad's will though, you fucking moron.
Uh, you might want to call your karate association, 'cuz they
might not be cool with you upgrading like that.
Check this out.
Mystery safe.
Super cool.
I bet this thing is full of bear bonds, dude.
A bear bond- it's like in world war ii, bears were really rare,
and then like, uh, you could buy like bonds.
I don't think that's what that is.
I can open this sucker up, dude. Easy.
See if he can give us a locksmith.
Dude, then we gotta cut him in, man.
Actually... I'm not really used to these.
[Bang]
[Crash]
Alright, that can come out of my half.
Dave?
Did you freeze all my shirts?
What are you doing? Get out of here.
Is that wild things?
Yeah, get outta here!
Are you still going?
Go away. Now!
Are you still going?
Yes, I'm still going. Go away!
Fucking pervert.
I just feel like, I feel like you're gonna break that window.
I'm not gonna break that window, ok?
It's a tennis ball, ok?
Don't worry about it.
You throw the ball up.
I hit the ball, hits the wasp nest, wasp nest falls.
We run, lock ourselves in the car.
Pull around, run over the wasp nest with the car.
Killing the wasps, k?
This seems like a really shitty plan.
It's not a shitty plan, ok?
I've done this four times, dude.
You've done this four times?
Yeah.
Did it work?
Yeah, it worked.
Three times.
What happened the fourth time?
Ball guy fucked up.
So...
Don't screw this up.
Ready?
Yep.
Get ready to run, 'cuz these guys are going to be pissed.
[Glass breaking]
That's coming out of your half.
Fuckin' bat had like pine tar on it, or something.
You did?
That's awesome.
Hold on, hold on.
What are you...? Stop, stop.
Dude, all I'm saying is- like irregardless of whether it's a
good idea or not, you can bet on wrestlemania.
It's just like paying attention to the characters.
Well, they're not characters. They're athletes.
Oh, score dude.
Check it out. Surge alert. Take a rip, dude.
Gross.
I'll race ya.
You're gonna get sick.
That's like fifteen years old, and surge is gross anyway.
These are worth a ton. I shouldn't of fucking drank that.
You didn't open yours. That was smart, dude. Profit.
You totally overestimate the collectables market.
Dude, shit is worth a lot of money.
No, it's not. It's really not.
Oh, shit dude.
This might be a little more your speed.
Oh dude. Super Jack pot.
What's that?
Party pills.
These are like tranquilizers.
Let's get this party started, dude.
Dude, these are for Steve when he got heartworms.
Yeah, they're tranqs dude. They're like xanaxs.
You just gotta take like...
You gotta get the ratio of like dog to person.
So like if he needed two, I'll have like twelve.
It's not rocket science, dude.
Yeah, you're right. It's like actual science.
You alright, man?
You look fucked up.
I just chugged that surge too fast.
Shit's like fifteen cups of coffee straight to the dong.
I'm pretty sure it's those dog pills.
Want me to take you to the vet?
Uneccessary.
Iron stomache man, I told you.
Oh hey, I got it.
Check it out. I'm gonna kill so many fucking wasps.
I'm gonna go kill some, like, churros real quick.
I'll be right back.
[Crash]
[Cell ringing]
[Home phone ringing]
Jim, what is taking so long?
We're fixing a house.
This isn't easy.
Didn't you say that your dad's business partner had some
crew that he could hire?
That's gonna cost like thousands of dollars,
and Dave and I are doing this. It's like a brother thing...
This isn't an excuse for you to go run off and, like, live out
your childhood with your brother.
I'm not reliving my childhood.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I need you do something, Jim.
I need you to take action.
Like what? What do you want me to do?
Hire the guys, get the money, and come home.
Yeah, it's right off seventy-five.
What's up, big brother?
Go on a little nature hike?
Yeah I wanted to walk around the lake.
You look like you've had a productive day.
You fix that screen door.
I stole a bunch of this screen door stuff from this
country club down the street.
He was like... he said he paid for all this shit that we broke
But I don't know what he's talking about there.
He also said he wanted to take us out to dinner tonight.
And I was like, I don't know about that.
Sounds kinda weird.
They were giving them away. Can you believe that?
Just like some kind of jacket giveaway or something.
There was just like a whole room of 'em just like racked up,
and I'm like, oh awesome. I took like five.
Did you rob a coat room?
Rob a? No man.
Oh dude, check this out.
That's badass.
I did a bunch while you were gone doing whatever,
but we got like a ton of work. I gotta big list.
Is this mine?
That's yours.
This is awesome.
We got two.
It's like Batman and Robin.
Suit up.
We gotta lot of work today.
What the fuck is that?
Hold on, we got intruders.
Dave.
Hey, asshole.
Dave!
I'm giving you ten seconds to get out of my fucking driveway.
Chill out. Chill out, chill out.
I'm giving you ten seconds to get your piece of shit truck
out of my driveway, ok? This is my property.
I was over there. I could not hear you well.
Get your fuckin' goon squad out of my property.
[Laughing]
What is this? What?
He's just joking.
You are very funny.
No, I'm not joking.
Are you Jim?
I'm javier. This is my associate, Trevor.
I am Ivan.
Why are you, why do you know these guys?
Because I hired 'em.
For what?
To fix the fucking house.
We don't need any help with the fuckin' house.
We need so much help!
There's nothing wrong with it.
We have no idea what we're doing.
We just gotta- branches.
It's not branches.
We don't need four guys...
You should put him in a birdcage.
So he can keep chirping to his heart's delite.
I got two chirps for you, ok?
One of them's gonna be me hitting you.
The other chirp's gonna be me kicking him in the dick.
What about me.
I'm still here.
Nah, it's not worth it.
Not even worth it, slim.
You want to hit me?
He doesn't want to hit you.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get in the fucking truck-
how 'bout I slap your face?
How 'bout you fucking try it?
Listen, we're doing you a favor.
[Slap]
[Laughing]
Woah, hey.
Can I talk to you inside for a second?
Charbineau got this guy to give us a hell of a deal
I'm so fucking sick of your cut and run bullshit, dude.
You're taking something that's so awesome and special and
you're just fucking ruining it and I don't know why.
I'm ruining it?
on purpose. Ok? This guy on the other hand,
can have us home within a week, checks in hand.
I don't care about that.
I don't trust this guy. I don't trust charbineau.
You know what, you're on the chopping block too, buddy.
Why do you have to make things so much more difficult?
Oh here comes Tim the tool man Taylor now.
You come to chirp with us, my little bird?
Dave?
You got iced out.
Ooh, I feel bad.
What the fuck is going on, man?
Huh?
Hey.
Look at him in his piece of shit car.
That's my car.
It's a piece of shit.
Woah, come on. Watch it.
♪♪
Oh.
Hey, do you know where Petra is?
I'm sorry, what?
Do you where Petra is?
I understand English.
Are your pants on backwards?
No, my pants aren't... oh, maybe, yeah. I drove here.
Why do you drive with pants on backwards?
I don't drive with my pants on backwards.
I drive with no pants.
It's this thing my dad taught me.
You wouldn't understand.
Do you work here?
Yes, but I just got off.
Yes, but why do you want her and not me.
What are you talking- why would I want-?
Listen, I just met you.
Is that a joint?
No.
Can you get a joint?
All I'm saying is if you're gonna hire a bunch of guys
Talk to me about it first, ok? Why's that so hard.
I'm a grown up.
If you got a problem, let's talk about it.
Why don't you just apologize to him and tell him all the things
you're telling me?
It's not that easy, lady.
Why not?
Is it because you're a man?
No, it's because we're brothers and we're super competitive.
We've been fighting our whole lives.
I'm smarter than he is and I think he's starting to realize
that, and that's pissing him off real bad.
You wouldn't understand.
Why would I not understand?
Wait, is Petra one of your sisters?
What- what is this with you and Petra?
You know, I can do whatever it is that you like that she does.
Don't worry about it. Just, where is Petra?
I don't know. In Mr. charbineau's restaurant.
Is that Mr. charbineau?
Hey, that guy is supposed to be our guy.
You get worked up very easily.
Does everybody in this fucking town know each other?
Everybody knows Mr. charbineau, you know?
You said he's at a restaurant?
Oh, you're on time.
Alright, lay down eight times on the redskins.
Gotta call, bye.
So, what's up?
You look sad.
I got a lot to be sad about.
Do you?
Yep.
You know, when I feel that way...
Two things you have to remember.
Know how to party. Know how to forgive.
Honestly, John, that's the worst advice anyone's ever given me.
That's what I thought when your father told it to me.
Now I have a surprise for you.
I want you to meet your dad's old gang.
Not like I'm gonna pop a cap in your ass, it's more like
legitimate business associates.
Ah, alright.
The guy cheating at cards, that's Jimmy two tone.
Nicky mo, and this is Mr. ballbuster himself.
Who is this?
Who is this? Who is this?
No, who is this?
Look at the face.
Right, right.
[Laughing]
And the apple is the bread.
[Laughing]
And that is how you make a fruit sandwich.
[Laughing]
Him I think you know. Ivan!
Gustovia, huh.
[Banter]
Remember, party, forgiveness.
Pretty good. Hey Ivan, I just want to apologize for
Oh no, no, no. No apologies necessary.
No, no, no.
You are in the clear, my friend.
[Laughing]
Here's to my new best friend, Jim.
Jim!
Happy Birthday, Jim!
Happy Birthday.
It's not my birthday.
That's my brother.
Is it your birthday?
I don't know.
I recently saw that movie Alice in wonderland, and they
celebrate every day it is not their birthday.
I see that movie and I say that is going to be my life now,
so...
[Laughing]
Hey!
How do I do it compared to you? Hey!
I can do- I can do any voice.
Name a celebrity. Name one.
Let's get a bottle of renyaki for my friends here.
I'd love to stay for a drink.
So stay.
American style.
Let's tear down the walls.
Let's tear down the walls, Jim.
I've never shotgunned a beer before.
I've shotgunned other things.
Ahhh.
Other things.
Like a fucking person.
[Laughing]
I've never killed anyone.
Dave, can I talk to you outside for a second?
I'll go outside with you, but I'm going back in, ok?
I'll be right back, alright?
Yes, yes, yes.
You'll be write back.
Get the renyakis going.
You better be ready when I get back.
We're shotgunning beers when I come back.
You come back or I'll fucking kill you.
[Laughing]
I'm not joking, I'm not joking.
If he doesn't come back, we kill him.
Yeah, for sure.
Petra's friend brought me to meet with charbineau.
Fucking charbineau brought me.
He brought- oh ok, sent me a letter, brings you. Ok.
He set this up. I got it.
Very cool, very cool.
Let's head back in.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just want to say, uh, I'm sorry for, uh, going behind your
back and hiring those guys.
Like, we said it was going to be like a brother project.
I should've consulted with you.
plan's not going as smoothly as I kinda talked it up to be.
And maybe tomorrow I'll get some fresh eyes on those blueprints.
Maybe skim them, cut the- trim the fat a little bit.
I really think we should consider hiring these guys.
You want to hire these guys?
They know less about building houses than me or you, k?
I don't think that's possible.
Dude, I got an idea.
Me and you head back in there, brother style.
We pull some charbineau CIA mindgame shit on them, let them
bring their guard down, maybe we cut a deal with them...
Dave, I think if we're gonna accomplish this goal, like you
and I need to be like super responsible.
I agree.
Extremely responsible.
So let's get in there and butter 'em up.
I'm not going in there.
You know what, this is a good idea.
You go home, guard the house.
I'm gonna go in here, pull a little covert op.
Get them real drunk and then we really find out what they're-
you know, see their whole hand.
You've got a secondary initiative going. I like it.
I'm not going to do anything dumb, ok?
Uh, really?
I'm- I'm gonna do good cop.
Nope.
♪♪
[Cheering]
Lobster time!
Ahh!
U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.
Ahh!
Dave worked there for twenty-four hours then it
burned down. Total coincidence he swears.
Seems like he's doing ok with everything, though?
Uh, I don't know.
Like...
Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about anything, and then
every once in awhile I think he's...
There's like a- there's like a thread of, like, normal.
And then it's like, it's as if he catches me noticing that,
and he goes right back to being a weird robot asshole.
It's probably a defense mechanism.
But, like, that's a stupid thing to do.
Like, at first it's like, oh yeah, you know let's help him
out, but then it just gets fucking old after awhile.
But what about you and your dad?
Why didn't you guys stay close?
Did Dave like tear apart your family or something?
No.
That's one of the only things Dave didn't ruin.
If anything he kept us closer.
You know half this house is mine?
Half of this arcade machine is mine, too.
I like this arcade machine.
I like it too.
Hey Ivan.
Are you just talking to her, or are you talking to me too?
I was talking to her, but if you want to hang out...
Well I'm not here?
No, you're here.
Course you're here.
Uh, guys.
Hey, hey, no, not.
On my party porch, you kiss me.
And that's how it is, ok?
What? I kiss you the fuck I like.
You know what, I'll kiss whoever the fuck I want too.
Mm. Mmm.
How do you like that?
Break the fucking thing up. You don't kiss anyone, ok?
Oh oh oh.
You kiss me. That is it.
Hold on miss commi salami.
I'm the only one around here- what is that?
I'm the only one allowed to have a gun around here.
[Gun shots]
Hey Bruce, you got any bullet proof vests we can
fuck around with?
[Beeping]
Dave?
Dave!
Dave?
[Breaking glass]
We're under attack.
I think it's that Russian guy.
He's gonna tear down the whole fucking house, man.
He's trying to tear down the house.
He's got a bulldozer.
They're not tearing it down. They're fixing it up, dude.
I got Ivan to fucking hook us up with his crew last night, ok?
It's all taken care of. It's all cool.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Can we talk about waking somebody up by smashing, like,
a fucking boat next to them or whatever you did?
Is she breathing?
I don't know.
Check her pulse?
No, you check her pulse.
She's your fucking girlfriend.
She say that?
No.
Alright, I'll do it.
You up?
Wake up.
Baby, wake up.
Get up!
C'mon babe.
There she is. See, she's fine.
Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.
You man, sparky, come here.
Get this fucking chain and throw it.
If you're doing, like, the fucking thing where it's like a
different state so it doesn't count, that only works if you
went down on her.
Oh we got company.
Hey John.
What are you doin' here?
Oh, it was Edgar's idea.
Wanted to stretch his paws. Thought we'd drop by.
Edgar?
My cat.
Shit.
Oh well.
Well, well, well.
Not too bad, huh?
If your father were alive he'd be very proud of you.
Very proud of you.
I appreciate that.
Um, it's actually mostly Dave.
Is that a fact?
Surprising, right?
Well played, well played.
Thank you, John.
So I guess the boys will do the work, and you can
get on with your lives now?
No, no, no. I work with these boys all the time.
With all due respect, the only thing that could go wrong
is if you hung around.
I'm just sayin' me and you have something that we
need to finish here. -No we don't, Dave.
Jim, can I talk to you outside for a second?
Dave, we are outside for a second.
I feel like you're kinda cuttin' and runnin' here, and you know?
Real quick- real quick brother session?
Ok. Alright.
What the fuck are you doing? The house isn't done yet.
Yeah- we came down to finish the house.
The house is finished for us.
It's not finished until- we're getting our checks.
We'll put a pin in this for now, ok?
But I need to finish talking to you about this.
Arlight, pleasure during business with ya.
You too.
Hey, John.
Um, I just wanted to thank you for, uh, for everything that
you've done for us.
Work on your goodbye speech.
Sign the deed, get the checks. Ciao.
Who wants some fucking lunch, man?
[Chainsaw hums]
Holy shit.
[Crack]
Dude, what is that thing?
Harpsochord?
Michelle brought it back from Africa for me.
Cool, she just brought back one?
Yeah. Just one.
There's like an owl up there I've been trying to hit
for like a half an hour.
You remember when we were kids... and uh...
Dad would always just try and get us to help out
We would always figure out someway to either get out of it
Yes. Do it wrong.
Destroy it.
He kept askin' though.
I'll fucking give him that, dude.
He was a tenacious fucking guy.
He just wanted to teach, man.
I remember when he, uh...
We made that rock tumbler out of the washing machine.
Try to fix it with the, uh- lawn mower.
Lawn mower, yeah.
Yeah.
He was pissed, but he still tried to show us how
to put it back together.
Am I just taking you to the airport, or what?
I don't think so, man.
What?
What are you going to do?
I'm thinkin' about just stayin'.
[Crack]
[Whistles]
Staying where?
Uh, here.
Like staying here.
Like in branson?
Like at this house.
We kinda- like we got a plan, Dave.
We're supposed to go pick up our checks from charbineau tomorrow
and sign the deeds.
I mean, you can still do that.
I'm just sayin' that...
I'm probably gonna sit that one out, you know.
I mean I haven't found my basketball cards.
I haven't found my karate trophies, you know?
They're not even done with the house really.
I feel like...
I just feel that you could buy- you could buy
new versions of those. You could buy all the basket ball
cards you want. All the- yeah.
You could become a great karate guy.
I feel like I already did it. I already got the trophies.
Just find the trophies. That's all I need.
And I mean, I can buy basketball cards, but why buy something-
you could buy- you could buy a lot of stuff I mean, this is-
I mean we're gonna make a lot of money with this thing.
But it's not the same thing. I mean this place has got
the memories though, you know?
You can't buy those.
You kinda like go out and meet new people, make new memories.
And half of it's mine, so I figured-
yeah, but you can't sell half a house.
Eh, that kind of sounds like a Jim problem thing.
I know that's what it sounds like.
I does sound like it, because that's what's happening.
But I feel like, you're kinda fucking me by-
you can't stay in branson the rest of your life because
you want to fuck some British hooker. Alright, man?
Dude, she is definitely fucking British, and she is
definitely a hooker, and you're definitely acting like
a fucking idiot right now.
I'm not a fucking idiot, man!
Yeah, you are a fucking idiot.
What did I tell you?
Why does it have to be so difficult all the time?
Because my life is fucking difficult, Jim.
Why don't you understand that?
The only different is, I don't cry about it all the time.
I fucking set goals and follow through with them.
I don't bail at the fucking last minute.
Go somewhere, Dave. Fucking do something!
Back to the fucking Indian reservation where I lived
in a fucking teepee?
Or back to mom's basement, ok?
You have as many opportunities as everyone else.
You don't fucking know me. You don't know anything about me.
You don't see these things because you walk around with
your fucking eyes closed all the time.
And you just sit and you bitch and moan and-
I work for that! I worked for everything I've had.
You don't work.
You don't fucking try, David.
I've worked at a lot of shit, ok?
And sometimes that shit doesn't work out, ok?
I knocked my fucking girlfriend up in college.
So, you know what I did?
I married her.
I manned up and I married her.
And I took a shitty job that I hate-
oh that sucks. My wife loves me too much, and I have-
and awesome job and a car and I write books all the time.
Oh my God, give me a fucking break.
Our house is on fire.
Oh shit. -Fuck.
Do something!
Dave, that's not gonna help.
Oh shit, what do we do?!
Dave, we gotta get out of here.
No, this is all I have.
This is all I got.
I can't bail. Alright?
I'm not bailin'. I'm stayin'.
Fine. Me neither.
You stay, I stay.
I'm not gonna bail on you, Dave.
Dave.
Fuck.
No, no.
[Sizzling]
[Radio]
Woah. Cook out gone wrong?
Have you ever had the chicken parmatorissie?
No.
Oh boy.
Alright, have a seat. I'm all ears.
So...
Here's what happened.
As far as I can remember, we were on the deck.
We were playing with some fireworks.
And uh, I'm gonna go ahead and admit that we
were drinking some whiskey.
John, we burned the house down.
We burned the whole fucking house to the ground.
It's fucking- nothing's there anymore.
And it was an accident.
And if there's anyway we can salvage any kind of value from
the property, I'd like to have Jim to have it,
if that's possible.
John, do you understand what I'm saying?
The house is fucking gone.
There's nothing left.
It's burned to the ground.
We burned the house down.
I know.
What?
I said I know.
You think houses burn down here all the time?
Ok? Um...
Now what?
Take the checks.
You're on your way.
I'm uh... I'm confused.
You think I didn't take our insurance policy the minute
you two bozos showed up?
I was gonna demolish the thing anyway.
Now, you actually got me a buck with the insurance claim.
John, why did you have us fix the house?
We almost killed each other, man. What is wrong with you?
Yeah, well...
I just felt it somethin' you're dad woulda wanted.
Besides we don't get too much action around here, so it was
nice to have you about.
You motherfucker!
I'll show you action, John.
I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.
You piece of shit.
I grabbed this stuff when your dad passed.
I was gonna mail it to you if you hadn't shown up.
Some cards in there.
Boys, do me a favor.
Don't spend it all in one place.
You already have everything you need.
You just don't know it yet.
[Door slamming]
[Crash]
So, what's your next move, man?
Thinking about opening up my own dojo. That'd be cool.
Really? Can you do that as a green belt?
Yeah, a lot of people don't know this, in judo, green belt's
actually higher than black.
Really? I've never heard that.
Yeah, it's true.
You gonna be ok, Dave?
Me? Yeah, I'm gonna be fine. You gonna be ok?
Yeah, I think so.
Good.
Oh fuck, check this out.
Ah, dude, are you kidding me?
Where'd you find these?
I was gonna chop them up with an axe but...
I figured I owed you one.
Oh man, that's an extra ten grand right there.
Yep.
Thanks, Jim.
Awesome.
Man.
How 'bout that watch, huh?
Alright, ok. See you later.
I'm trying to give you a hug, you fucking asshole.
No you're not.
Ow, you're fucking dead.
Why don't you use your karate moves, dude?
Fuck you.
♪♪
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