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Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog. I'm 13 years old.
Today is my first day of college.
What you got in that bag, Eli? Books?
Don't they have a library at that place?
She's a terrible mother...
but it's not her fault that I'm a genius.
" Can you hear me coming Feel it all around."
" Feet are stomping On the ground."
" It said something So familiar."
Please tell me this is a joke.
I wanted to take you, but I'm just so tired.
Remember the electric bill is the most important, then the rent.
Eli... make some friends out there, okay?
- Bye, Mom. - Later.
Beacon Falls, Whittman College.
I welcome you to Whittman College...
the 37th best, small, liberal arts college on the East Coast.
Lots of stuff to know.
How about some exercise for the lazy student?
Some people go to college because they graduate from high school, like me.
Others go and they self-destruct, like this guy.
Chi Gong.
Badminton or squash?
He had a business once. He used to sell this stuff.
To these people... and then he bailed on these things.
Put your shuttlecock away. It's squash.
Here, let me get that for you.
- Give me my bag back. - I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.
I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy, please can I have my bag back?
You're a freshman?
Unfortunately.
Me, too. What room you in?
212, can I...
Oh, good, it's right here. I'm right across the hall.
Well, take care, brush your hair.
I need the oldest undergraduate in the world as a friend...
like I need a hole in my head.
And I don't need a hole in my head, if that was what you were wondering.
Hey, want to get a burger?
No.
My treat.
Thanks, but no.
Eli, it's your first day of college...
you're gonna have plenty of time to sit alone and hate yourself.
Come on.
Wow, that's good.
That is old-fashioned American genius.
Have you noticed everything is genius these days?
How can food be genius?
Try the fries.
That's good, it may be great, but it's not genius.
Hey, look at that townie girl.
She's checking you out, man.
See you later, Shauna.
See you.
Oh, that was a complete meltdown of the man nerve.
I'm wearing my hair net.
Safety first. I hear you.
I'm gonna go get us some more beers.
Nice, I'll just stay here.
I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.
I'm 'Milla, I have not yet bloomed.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
You look like you bloomed to me all right.
Are you Eli Pettifog?
Yeah.
The 13-year-old freshman?
Well, Eli, I want to have your really, really smart baby.
What makes you think that nine months in your womb
won't make the baby really, really stupid?
Excuse me.
Oh, jeez.
You think your sperm is too good for my girl or something?
No.
Ow, put me down! Put me down!
- Why do you do this shit? - Because I'm a dick!
Say my sperm is not worthy of Eve Hanson.
Who's Eve Hanson?
My girlfriend, you know, the one you were just hitting on?
She's out of your league, pal.
Yeah, I know she's out of my league. I don't even like girls.
Somebody's fibbing.
Oh, god.
What's it like down there?
Awesome, I've been there a thousand times.
Yeah, I'll bet you have.
Say my sperm is not worthy of Eve Hanson.
Hold on, I can't hear you, my ears are blocked.
Have some Ebola, asshole!
I'm gonna make this the worst year of your shitty, little life.
So, we're enemies?
Mortal enemies. Let's drink to it.
Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.
Remember, I bought the first round.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
Oh, god.
I don't feel so good.
Really?
Perfect timing.
Thanks.
Something I want to tell you.
What?
Come closer.
You can come closer.
I'm a genius!
I remember my first beer, too. Yeah.
Ever since I was a little baby, all I ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.
My spiritual home.
So, without really trying, I skipped five grades.
Won all the science fairs, got my MENSA card.
You know what happened?
Harvard rejected me.
They don't want me.
Well, then, screw them.
You don't understand. It just killed me, you know?
You want to know the most awful and
humiliating part of the whole, entire story?
You still love the bitch.
Yeah. How'd you know?
All right, if you're gonna puke again, close one eye, you'll have better aim.
Don't leave.
If the room starts to spin, you put one foot on the floor.
Yeah. Leo? Leo?
- Goodnight. - No, Leo, just...
You're all right. Hang in there.
Never mind.
I'm here for my job.
All right, dear, check in down the hall.
Shit.
Harvard's coming?
Good evening, and welcome to Collegiate Mastermind.
The varsity sport of the mind.
Tonight's two contestants are the Whittman Warring Hares...
versus the Harvard Crimson squad.
First question is a toss-up worth ten points.
The first question, that should be the first one on the stack.
Okay, how far can the Queen Mary 2...
travel on one gallon of... diesel.
Whittman Warring Hares.
We forfeit.
Incorrect.
No, I mean we forfeit.
You can't forfeit.
We haven't won a match since 1971.
Oh. Harvard to steal.
Six inches.
Six inches is correct.
Yes!
Caution, Harvard at this time for showboating.
Man, if I were on the Whittman team...
my dad would send me into the woods to find the
perfect piece of birch to split my ass with.
Hey, there's the little dude.
Thanks for the support, little dude. What's your name?
Eli.
You the man, Eli.
How old are you?
13.
Uh-oh, he's a genius.
Yeah.
Yeah, you are.
13, walking around Harvard with hair like that? That's bad ass.
You want a ride back to campus?
To Boston?
Yeah, let's roll.
Yo, Eli, get in... or we aren't gonna haze you.
I can't.
Why not?
Because I don't go to Harvard.
I'm a freshman here at Whittman... but my soul belongs to Harvard.
Don't worry about it, the important thing is we part company like men.
Listen to me, you little freak. Ow, oh, my god.
Harvard doesn't want your soul. Your soul is cheap, and it's mediocre.
- Ow, stop. - It's a Whittman soul.
- But they went on to win that year. - How does that help us right now?
I'm just saying you should learn, you know, perseverance.
Alan, if you didn't know the answer, why did you buzz?
Because...
You can't do that. If you don't know, don't buzz.
Hey.
My name is Eli Pettifog.
This is Leo Searly's last chance at a classy future.
He's not afraid to gamble it all on a hole and a ball.
Hits the putt.
Oh, it's on the lip. No, no, no, it's rolling in. It's rolling in.
Oh, yes!
- Leo Searly takes home $100 million... - Hey.
Hey, how are you?
Can I tell you something super important?
Okay. As long as it's not teenage stuff.
Don't worry. This is as grown up as it gets.
All right.
First, I now hate Harvard with the fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.
That sounds pretty teenage to me.
And I've sworn my life to its destruction.
The entire university?
No, just the college, I'm only one man.
Second, I'm now the new captain of the Whittman
Warring Hares Collegiate Mastermind Team.
Oh, I loved that game as a kid. That's the one with the pegs.
Like the little colored pegs, then you get a combination...
No, it's a quiz show in which two colleges compete...
to see which one is smart and which one is dumb.
It's like the show Jeopardy, with no money.
No money?
Forget the money, Leo. I found the instrument of my revenge.
What makes him think he can walk in here and say...
"I'm Eli Pettifog and I'm your new captain?"
Because none of us walked in and said I'm your new captain.
The first four digits of pi are 3.141.
What is the billionth digit of pi?
Nine.
Right you are.
Dude.
Here's your bonus.
Assuming Rudolph was in front...
how many ways are there to arrange the other eight reindeer?
40,320.
Right you are. You're fast, kid.
- Dude! - Captain.
Shit, dude, viral pandemic sick! Or not.
Ssh, I'm trying to study.
You should have a package for Eli Pettifog.
Pettifog, okay. P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?
Yeah.
Weird name. What's it mean?
Okay, here we go. Pettifog means you bicker over everything.
That's ridiculous.
Second definition, to practice deception or trickery.
Do you have a package for me or not?
There's no package for you, Pettifog. No lying or complaining.
Okay.
Hey. Can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure.
It's private.
I understand.
Hey, if you want to party, leave a message.
All right, whatever.
Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind you you forgot my birthday again.
It's your birthday?
Yeah. Big 1-4.
Hang on.
Faster.
Okay.
Whoo!
Faster.
Faster?
Yeah!
Whoo!
Faster.
Whoo!
Thanks, Leo, that was really fun.
Well, happy birthday, Eli.
- Leo! - Yo!
Faster!
What's wrong with this thing?
Hey, fuzzy, that's my favorite machine.
Hi.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
I wish I could go to Whittman.
There's no Mall Studies major at Whittman.
I'm not a mall girl. I only shop at the most exclusive boutiques.
Mm-hm.
You want to shotgun?
What's a shotgun?
Let me show you. Okay.
I know you have a thing for me.
What are you gonna do about it?
What are you talking about?
I see you checking out my boyish curves.
Come, lay down with me.
You want to know a secret?
Okay.
I never kissed anyone.
So what? Neither have I.
I'm worried I might suck at it.
How hard can it be?
Kissing is too important to be easy.
Not my lip.
Well, stop squirming.
Are you supposed to be drooling directly into my mouth?
Toss up. Which states, in order of entry into the union...
is Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen not from?
Whittman?
Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Connecticut...
Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York...
North Carolina, Rhode Island, Vermont, Kentucky, uh...
Keep going.
Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois...
Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa...
Wisconsin, California, Minnesota...
15 seconds.
Um, not Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada...
Nebraska, Colorado, North Dakota, South Dakota.
Do it, weirdo!
Yeah, do it.
Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.
By god, he's done it.
Nice. Very nice.
In-frigging-conceivable. Frigging magnificent.
Frigging, frigging. I want a piece of your action.
You can't have any of my action.
Do you even know what your action is?
You're the one who started talking about my action.
Your action is blowing people away with your genius, and your bizarre charisma.
You're a college star in the making.
My quest is private, Leo, it's not for other people.
Do you think I should start a blog?
Whoa.
Nice try, Leo.
Mm?
This jacket is from sweatshop city.
What are you talking about? It was stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.
Makes me look like I have old-man shoulders.
Man shoulders are a perk.
Oh. Then how come the waist is so tight?
What are you talking about? It's form-fitting.
Flatters the silhouette.
Oh. Well, what about the collar?
The jacket's perfect, Eli.
You promise?
Yeah.
Must be why I love it so much.
Excuse me, hello, thank you very much. I hope you all enjoy your lunch.
Today we're offering $1,000 to anyone...
who can stump the Whittman Warring Hares Collegiate Mastermind squad.
Perky girl.
Okay, why does he have pubic hair on his head?
Not the sort of question we're looking for. Next!
But the people want to know. Don't you want to know?
Yeah.
Okay, the people want to know, why does your hair look like "down there" hair?
That's a great question.
My hair resembles pubic hair, because it is designed to protect my brain.
Protect your brain from what?
From stupidity.
You calling me stupid?
- Mm, mm-mm. - They're calling you stupid.
What about you?
I'm calling you stupid, too.
Ouch.
Yeah? Who will be stupid when I'm eating your brain, Pettifog?
Grilled... with sea salt.
You're gonna grill my brain?
He's gonna grill your brain.
Caveman, you can't even start a fire.
I'll rub your bones together.
Name one bone.
Your skull bone!
All right, kids, come on, calm down.
Thank you very much. Don't forget to come and see the Warring Hares.
- I could take him. Put me down. - Bus your tables.
I want to thank you for benching me. I never felt so confident in my life.
Hey, what are friends for?
Hey, sexy genius.
Hey, sexy lady, what's up?
- She's not talking to you. - What are you talking about?
Hey, you teach me, I'll teach you. A little quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.
See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.
It's quid pro quo.
In Collegiate Mastermind, it might be quid pro quo...
but in the game of life, her interpretation is right on the sticky bun.
You're so cool, I think I'm gonna call you the fog.
Please, don't call me the fog. That makes me sound dense.
Sorry.
Hey, baby.
Hi, Gertrude.
- Hi, ladies. Where's Leo? - Hey, Gertrude.
Ha-ha, looks like we got a ride.
- Nice. - Yes, the van.
- So sweet. - Oh, my god, this is awesome.
Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.
- Do you have a bed in this thing? - I like this car.
Nice, isn't it? Feels kind of like a land couch.
Hey, Leo, guess what? Eli has a groupie.
Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.
- What's her name? - Eve Hanson, she's a senior.
She cute?
She looks like Gertrude, if you gave her blonde hair and money.
Romeo, the only groupie you're ever gonna have is your hand.
That really hurt.
Good.
Buckle up, kids!
Rhinotillexomania is compulsive nose picking.
Gynecomastia means man boobs.
The naked mole rat is immune to cancer.
Whittman College has won the match.
And for the match, what syndrome does pop star Lily Allen have? Whittman.
The super numerary nipple syndrome, the triple nipple.
Correct!
Abalone is not a mollusk, but a large marine snail.
That's correct. Match goes to Whittman College.
The aquatic scrotum resides primarily in Lake Titicaca.
Whittman wins!
Yes!
Out of beer!
Warriors!
Safety first, safety first.
Oh, my god!
Hi.
Can you please stay away from me?
Don't worry, Laird never comes to the library.
I find you fascinating.
No, you don't.
And dangerous.
I'm very safe.
Do I scare you?
Yes, very much.
Well, just try to look past my breasts and everything else, and see the real me.
Look past your breasts? I can't even look at them.
Just... right... do you need...
I'm not gonna look at them.
Don't worry, Romeo, we can beat Yale.
It's not that.
Well, what is it?
My brother goes to Yale.
Oh, really, that's a bummer.
It's only because he is a non-threatening Puerto Rican.
I did not get into Yale, because my mighty mas macho terrifies the white man...
until his balls are like raisins.
But it still hurts, you know?
Every night it still hurts.
So you have a smarter brother? Is he better looking, too?
Yeah, but only a little bit.
Eli, can you dedicate this one to Romeo? He's really hurting back here.
Sure. This one's for you, big guy.
Good evening, and welcome to the Yale Bulldogs...
versus the Whittman Warring Hares.
First question is a toss up for ten points.
How many names are listed on the Vietnam War Memorial?
58,652.
Wrong, Whittman for the steal?
58,256.
That is oh, so right. Bonus to Whittman.
The memorial is built from black granite. Where does this granite come from?
Bangalore, India.
Right again. Toss up.
Who invented the roulette wheel and why?
French philosopher and mathematician...
Blaise Pascal invented roulette for perpetual motion experiments.
That is oh, so right. Bonus to Yale.
Why is roulette called the Devil's Game?
Because all the numbers on the wheel add up to 666.
Correct.
- Huddle up. - What?
- I'm not kidding. - What's up?
Some girls know about roulette, other girls know about the devil...
but no girl knows about both.
Especially not girls like that. She's cheating.
How do you know?
Check out the receiver, it's hidden, it's right there.
Yeah, I see it. Somebody's feeding her the answers.
I bet she cheated to get into Yale, too.
I bet she took your spot.
Whittman, break your huddle.
All right, guys, here's your choice.
We can beat them fair and square. I promise we can.
Or, we could put an eternal stain on their lives.
It's your call. Yale's your white whale.
Eternal stain.
All right, just be cool.
I can't be cool.
Oh, god.
My earring.
Whoo!
Daniel, my brother, Turran.
My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty.
I know you saw that sign.
Yeah, I saw it.
Here we are at Harvard... smartest place on Earth.
This is the freshman dorm, Adams house.
Some of the rooms have fireplaces.
Get over it.
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
What's the high score in this machine?
I'm wearing watermelon lip gloss.
The flavor is disappearing, can you put on some more?
I have cherry, too.
No, this is the one. This is definitely the one.
You're a really good kisser, Eli.
Thanks.
We can't do this all day... unless it leads somewhere else.
Like where?
Like my neck.
What about your neck?
Kiss it.
Okay.
That feels so good.
Now the other side.
You mean... okay.
Eli.
Yeah?
Do you have a roommate?
No.
You should invite me over.
You know, me being on campus might make me into a crazy woman.
Did you know that every time you recall a memory,
you're making the whole thing up from scratch?
That's ridiculous, my memories are exactly the same every time.
Oh, okay. What was I wearing when we met?
Nothing.
Come on, I'm trying to do science here.
Don't you need test tubes or something like that?
What color lipstick did your wife wear at your wedding? Hm?
How did you know that I was married?
It's written all over you. Divorced guy goes to college.
Not a good look, is it?
It's not a look, it's a life.
Hey, you want to go back to my room?
Sure, I still have 20 more pages before we have a sex break.
Okay, fine, no highlighting, no looking stuff up, no dog-earing pages.
Deal.
- Divorce is sexy. - Really?
Yeah, as long as you don't have any brats running around you.
Uh-huh.
Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's all fruity for you or something.
Atruce, huh? Okay, take this, you need it.
Laird.
Pettifog.
Tell me we're going to beat Princeton.
We're gonna beat Princeton.
Tell me we're going to the Final Four.
Final Four? We're going all the way.
Did you just promise me a national championship?
I'm guaranteeing it.
I believe you, Eli.
I believe that you can restore glory to Whittman athletics and make us whole again.
Yeah, I promise I will.
But if you fail, I will make you retarded with my fist.
Okay.
I'm gonna make this the worst year of your shitty, little life.
But if you fail, I will make you retarded with my fist.
We're not dumb! We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog, ask me anything.
Yo, this is total commitment.
What are you talking about?
Pettifog, he means it.
Let me see that.
Oh, please, that's Kiss, we're the Beatles.
Tigers!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Win this one, we make it to the Final Four.
My father will kill me. '69 team lost to Princeton.
You afraid of your father?
Everybody is afraid of their father.
I can't believe how nervous I am.
You've got no reason to be nervous.
No, I know, I was just trying to make you feel useful.
Just get up there and give it all the brains you got.
We're not dumb! We're not dumb! We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Good evening and welcome to Collegiate Mastermind.
All right, the first question is a toss-up worth ten points.
Which president created a company slogan by describing a certain brand of coffee...
as being "good to the last drop"?
Teddy Roosevelt.
Correct.
Here's your bonus. In Italy, what is the average age of a barista?
48.
Nicely done.
Toss-up now. What is the longest word ever used by a presidential press secretary?
Floxinoxinihilipilification.
That's the word. Here's your bonus.
What is the longest word in the English language
whose letters can be played on the piano?
Cabbaged.
Musical. Toss-up.
How much money did Abraham Lincoln have in
his pocket at the time of his assassination?
Five dollars in Confederate money.
Nice shot, Whittman, all the way to the bank.
I want to have your baby!
Here's your bonus. What is the average life span of a U.S. dollar in circulation?
18 months.
Correct.
Such an intense sport.
It's all in the coaching.
Toss-up. Who wrote Fart Proudly?
Benjamin Franklin.
- Exactly. - Nostalgie De La Boue.
- Bingo. - 28,420.
Well done!
Bella Abzug. The Stockholm Syndrome. The number one.
Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour.
On average, right-handed people live nine years longer than left-handed people.
Mike Huckabee.
The mainland tiger snake.
The two presidents who's names contain the letters that form criminal...
are Richard Millhouse Nixon and William Jefferson Clinton.
If Barbie were life-size, she would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.
Whoo! It is a tight race, if I do say so myself.
This final question will determine which team will go to the Final Four.
Teams at your buzzers.
Who first said, "Elvis has left the building"?
Whittman!
Horace Lee Logan!
Holy shit, that's right.
Princeton loses! Princeton loses!
And Whittman College advances to the Final Four!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid, now that's over the line.
I can't believe it.
Yo.
Hey, Pettifog.
I have registered mail.
You know what, Pettifog? You're no Pettifog.
You're an angel of knowledge with a kinky halo.
Saw you the other night, awesome.
Thanks.
Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!
What? Oh, shit, no!
To the academic building, and the first thing we're gonna do is...
Uh, question, what is the student bathroom ratio on this campus?
Sophie?
Yes. Who are you?
Um... I'm Leo Searly.
My bio dad?
Your father.
No. That's my father.
Don't tell me you're a professor here.
No, uh, yes? I'm not tenured yet, well...
You left when I was seven, and now you're teaching at my top college choice?
You're ruining my life all over again.
And you don't even care that you're ruining my life.
All you care about is Leo Searly.
Three-time loser and pathetic Peter Pan.
Soph... Sophie, just give me another chance.
She ain't here, Fuzzy.
Read it. Read the letter!
Collegiate Mastermind... Dear Eli Pettifog...
The Collegiate Mastermind Committee hereby suspends you...
from the semi-final match of this year's Final Four for actions unbecoming?
La-Ia-Ia... section four, code 93...
You're not even allowed in the building. Is this for real?
Yes, it's for real, this is your fault, Leo.
You got me the team jackets. You got me the van.
You made me popular. How could you do those things?
I knew I shouldn't have enrolled you in karate classes.
That's typical Leo Searly sarcasm. You just don't care about anyone or anything.
Jesus Christ, I can't believe this is happening.
I had Harvard dangling over the falls, Leo.
You have to do something about this.
You have to go to the Collegiate Mastermind
headquarters and you have to set them straight.
I can't do that.
Why not?
You just burst in their offices...
you tell them you're my father and they're messing with my destiny or something.
You know that there are some things that you just can't change.
I thought you were afraid to talk to me?
I've been suspended from the semi-final match.
For karate? You idiot.
I know, but they never even warned me.
I hope you consider coming to Whittman, you're a wonderful candidate.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, see you. Bye-bye. - Bye.
Do you ever consider the possibility that maybe you're the patsy in all this?
I was set up? Why would I be set up?
Look, they used you to bring attention to the Mastermind.
But at the end of the day, they were never gonna let you win.
You're collegiate white trash.
You're even more paranoid than I am.
Things like this happen all the time.
Hi.
Hello.
I've been looking all over for you. What are you doing here?
Um, I just finished my interview and then the campus store.
Now I'm in the library, which is awesome.
I'm a little bit confused. Are you applying for an after-school job or something?
No, um... I'm applying as a student to Whittman College, Eli.
I thought you were 15. Have you been lying to me about your age?
I am 15, and I'm a high school senior.
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
Because I thought you wouldn't like it.
And... why didn't you tell me about the Collegiate Mastermind? Hm?
Is is because you wanted to keep your townie girlfriend...
as far away from your real life as you can?
I'm a townie, too, you know.
Then act like one.
You better go get her, Eli. Girls like that don't grow in chat rooms.
And brush your hair.
Shit!
Dance.
Good shot.
Hey, Leo? How are your testicles?
Hanging in there.
Yeah, you are.
Pettifog. Pettifog.
Pettifog!
I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? You got suspended. We're gonna lose.
Where'd you hear that?
Everywhere.
It's not true.
It's not?
No... it's... it's a ruse to lull the opponent.
To a false sense of security.
Nobody knows but you and me.
That's just ingenious.
So, you still guarantee complete annihilation and total victory?
100 percent.
How about another 10? That's 110 percent.
There's no such thing.
I don't care.
Sophie?
This was the car you were gonna teach me to drive in.
Well, why don't we do that right now?
I already know how to drive.
You know I'm not really a professor here, right?
I know, you're a freshman.
Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.
I was sure you hated me, I...
I did, until I saw you.
But you're such a lost goofball, I can't help but not hate you.
Do you feel sorry for me?
Yeah.
Well, that's sweet.
Are you thinking of coming to Whittman?
How would you feel about that? I mean, it could be weird.
Well... I don't know, thrilled that my daughter
is following after her scholarly father.
What kind of grades you get?
- Straight A's. - Yeah?
It's no big deal, it's public school.
Still, that's great, straight A's.
Can you afford it?
No, I can't afford it.
Well, you know, maybe there's something I can do to help you out tuition-wise.
Are you serious? You would do that?
Yeah, um, I'm not making any promises, but I'll see what I can do. Um...
I didn't come here for that, you know?
I know, look, I know, I know, I know. I know.
- Hi. - Hi.
I can't see you anymore. I'm sorry. Can I come in?
Yeah, why can't you see me anymore?
Well, because I just ran into my daughter and I haven't seen her in a long time.
And it's just a little bit creepy, because she kind of looks like... you get it?
That is so psychological.
Some kind of pathological narcissistic father-daughter disorder or something.
Well, thanks very much, and I'll see you around campus.
You sure you don't want to hang out and study for a while?
Wow, um, uh... gosh, I'm gonna go...
Leo... what the hell are you doing here?
Hi, Benny, how are you?
Well, I've got a lot of things I could complain about,
but try to say only good things.
So, all right, what's up with you?
Oh, I'm here to place a bet, Benny.
Leo, you know that I'll never take your bet, not ever.
Now what kind of bookie doesn't take a bet?
The kind who feels guilty for ruining your life.
But this is a good bet. It's a bet with conscience.
Look, I'm sorry, Leo, can't do it.
Benny, take my bet.
Would you please get up off the ground? The sight
of you down there is very disturbing to me.
I'm not getting up until you take my bet.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Hm.
Really?
I'm not getting up until you get out of here, you understand?
Look at you, Benny. You're on your knees in your own office.
Look at you, you're begging me to ruin your life all over again.
I'm trying to pay for my daughter's tuition.
Yeah.
Do you have any idea how much it costs to go to college these days?
I don't know, like 20 grand?
Try 50 large.
50 large? Who the hell can afford that?
I got 25, if I double it, then Sophie can go to school for a year.
All right, what's the bet?
Harvard to take it all.
Harvard? What are they gonna win?
Collegiate Mastermind.
What the hell is Collegiate Mastermind?
Well, it's kind of like Jeopardy, but without the money.
No money? What's the point?
You are going to win the Collegiate Mastermind National Championship. Say it.
You are going to win the Collegiate Mastermind...
Stop. Stop. Not me, you. Please say it again.
How can we win the Collegiate Mastermind National Championship?
We haven't answered one single question during the whole season.
Well, you didn't answer the questions, but you knew the answers, right?
I didn't.
Not even one third of the answers? One out of every three questions?
I did, I knew about a third.
Yeah, I guess I did, too.
Okay, and Alan knew the other third, so the three of you guys make up one of me.
But...
You're pussies. You guys are total pussies.
And pussies need balls, so get some balls, guys.
Can you seriously picture Alan with balls?
Mm?
Eli.
Alan?
Up here, Eli.
Last night, I had a dream.
The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...
Poughkeepsie, New York, semi-final match of the Final Four...
I was nailing question after question.
How did it end? In your triumph?
Nope.
Ended when I mutated into a rabbit and shitted all over the stage.
You weren't a rabbit, you idiot. You were a Warring Hare.
- Really? - Yes.
But what does the shit signify?
Purging of your doubts.
Man... I got a lot of doubts.
Because Harvard's burning.
Turn off the municipal water system.
Because Harvard's burning.
Something smells good.
Because Harvard's burning.
We're here.
Okay, now I'm nervous.
I'm gonna try and get in anyway.
Good luck to us all.
Warring Hares from leafy Whittman College.
Searly, Leo.
Pettifog, I can't let you in the building until after the semi-finals.
- What are you talking about? - He's the best...
- Excuse me. - Okay, you're b...
- What are you talking about? - I'll watch the guys.
I can't let you in. Sorry.
There's something very different about you this year.
The moustache... my moustache came in.
It's not your moustache.
Moustache is in.
Something I can't quite run my fingers through.
You know, Spencer...
We're on, guys.
I'm sorry, here we go.
Ooh, we have arrived.
Fruit plate.
You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
Mm-hm.
I bet her hoo-hah looks just like this.
Why did it take you so long to say something romantic?
Hey, guys, let's bring it in. Huddle up... into a square.
Circle, triangle, whatever.
Are you gonna psyche us up instead of Eli?
In my own way. You made it to the Final Four.
You're already winners, right?
Right, right? Right. Let's take a moment to cherish that.
This is something that you're going to share with your children.
The foundation of good character is based on losing.
In fact, what makes a good winner... is a good loser.
What's the difference between winning and losing?
Except joy and pain.
So, let's go out there with our heads held high... and lose one.
In that old Whittman style.
- We're coming to you live... - Coming to you live.
...from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall and what a beautiful venue this is.
Gorgeous down there.
Where the Stanford Cardinal will be taking on the...
Whittman Warring Hares of Whittman College.
Who are playing without their star, Eli Pettifog, who is...
He's been suspended. He's been suspended one game for showboating.
He's gonna be back if they advance to the Finals.
What is up with you?
This Whittman thong is itching me something fierce.
Can we have tickets? I really need tickets.
Shit! Shit.
Why were you acting so creepy in the library?
I don't know. Why were you acting so creepy in the library?
I just... I just came over...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, sorry.
Oh, I have lip gloss.
No, screw the lip gloss, okay?
Yo, good luck, Stanford.
Remember, guys, even without Pettifog, the Hares are still dangerous.
Bullshit. Without Pettifog, they can't even spell Pettifog.
Hey, watch the karma violation.
Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.
You come and go.
Oh, shit.
Stanford Cardinal, please report backstage to check in.
Final call, final call, Stanford Cardinal.
We're currently waiting for the Stanford Cardinal to arrive.
I think it's a mind game. I think what Stanford is doing is a mind game.
I think they're just trying to upset these Whittman Warring Hares by not showing up.
- I think it's bad karma, myself. - Yeah.
I don't know where they are. I saw the in the hotel this morning at breakfast.
A little bleary-eyed, probably from studying
and/or partying they did last night.
But they look great, these kids...
we all shared some of the cottage cheese. I got a bowl of cottage cheese there.
Really?
Put some sugar on it yourself and grab yourself a pineapple ring...
and put the cottage cheese on there.
And load that sucker with sugar and have yourself some delicious French roast...
that they have at the continental breakfast, a croissant, maybe?
Right.
Do not let them get into your head, Gertrude.
The match should have started 20 minutes ago.
Those Stanford fools are driving me crazy.
Good afternoon, Whittman.
The Stanford Cardinal have failed to appear...
and are disqualified.
Congratulations, you advance to the Finals.
Benny Greenberg.
Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Really be good if I could talk to you.
Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom IQ?
Cut it out, you jerks. Okay?
Seriously, we're about to play the match of our lives.
What should we do?
We'll practice celebrating.
Create a mental picture of Harvard lying on the stage.
You know, they're crying, they're fouling their pants.
They're bleeding from their ears...
and you all are gyrating obscenely over their fallen bodies. Okay?
I want some pie. Do you want some pie?
Yeah. Do you want blueberry?
I heard they have an awesome peach one. Banana...
I actually have to pee.
Oh, I'll be over there.
Dual vivimus vivamus.
While we live, let's live.
Porcellian Club, Harvard's most secret society.
Members often call it "The PC".
And "The Porc". I'm not a member, so I just call it the Porcellian Club.
Nobody is a member until they become a member, but once a member, always a member.
Like an alma mater.
Only much, much better.
Maybe next time around.
Look at me, Eli. There is no next time around.
If you let Harvard win, I can make you a Harvard student.
Consider it.
He said that if I take a dive in the final
match, I go to Harvard on a full scholarship.
Does that include a graduate degree?
Who needs a graduate degree?
Well, what was your answer?
I didn't have one. I still don't have one.
I gotta go, just don't follow me, don't try to find me, agh!
I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.
No, no, no, it's like this.
You're the rice in my beans, baby.
Uh, hey, is Eli around?
- You guys don't know where he is? - Is something wrong?
Everything is fine. He's probably just getting in the zone all by himself.
What's going on? What's going on, what?
He's obviously not here.
I know he's not here.
So let's go, let's go.
So, later.
- Eli? - Eli.
Eli?
We should go back and wait for him in the dressing room.
What are you talking about? He's not going to the dressing room.
He could be anywhere.
We are live in Poughkeepsie, New York...
for the 49th annual Collegiate Mastermind Tournament Championship.
And right off the bat, we have a shocker.
Oh, boy.
Whittman College's star player Eli Pettifog is a no-show.
I think that their chances have gone from long shot...
to no shot here against the Harvard Crimson ruling elite.
There.
What are you doing, Eli?
Eli.
He can't talk, but his Lego skills are ridiculous.
Hmm.
Come on, let's go. The match is starting.
Keep on building.
Holy shit, no Pettifog.
Oh, no, I forgot to go to the bathroom.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen...
and welcome to this year's Collegiate Mastermind Championship Match.
Featuring the Harvard Crimson.
Against the Whittman Warring Hare.
The first question is a toss-up.
When was the stethoscope invented and by whom?
1816, by René-Théophile-Hyacinthe Laennec.
That is right.
Here's your bonus.
Despite her French-sounding name, Marie Curie was from what country?
Poland.
That is right.
Here's a toss-up.
Who was the only Major League pitcher to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?
Doc Ellis.
That is correct.
Where's Pettifog?
Here's your bonus.
What was the last country to stop legally producing LSD?
Czechoslovakia in 1975.
That is right.
This humiliation is gonna go viral.
It was Michigan in the semi-finals and now it is a young, plucky band of kids...
from Whittman College who are feeling Harvard's wrath.
Ugh, it's not pretty out there.
I didn't think they had a chance from the beginning...
but now this sad Cinderella story is coming to a close.
Now the cards were stacked against Whittman to begin with, even with...
Eli? Eli!
Excuse me, I made the decision that is going to determine my future and yours.
I reject friendship, I reject love, and I reject Collegiate Mastermind.
Iron Chef Michael Simon attended which Cleveland area high school?
Saint Edward High School in Lakewood.
That is right.
Make it look like your buzzers don't work.
Toss up. What animal is incapable of seeing the sky?
I take it back. Five seconds, Whittman.
Something in my head is saying gashon, gashon, gashon.
What the hell is gashon?
It's a pig. The pig.
That is right.
Here's your bonus.
These ancient people were sometimes accompanied
to the grave with their herds of pigs.
The southern white cracker loves his swine.
The cracker is an ancient. Polish people are true pig lovers.
The Chinese!
That is correct.
Yeah! Uh-oh!
The ugliest sight in the world is the sight of simple people being happy.
Toss up.
What ill-fated computer platform was released on the 23rd of April, 1983?
The Apple 3.
That is right.
How did you know that?
- I didn't know I did. - Here's your bonus.
Who was the forgotten founder of Apple and what
was his greatest contribution to the company?
Ron Wayne, he designed the first logo.
You nailed it!
Yeah, Gertrude.
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
Wow, a sign of life from these Whittman Hares.
Nah, I think it's gonna be too little, too late, Spencer.
Coming up on the two-minute warning, I think Whittman's fate is all but sealed.
Let's not get too excited yet...
Harvard has been answering questions like this for 500, 600 years.
They could beat Harvard without you.
Toss up. Who performed the only instrumental
song to have been banned from American radio?
And what was the name of the song?
- Holy spasticature. - Oh! Down and out!
I'll tell you, that's the most exciting moment
in Collegiate Mastermind history, that is.
Wow, let's see that again.
Here you go, hold it, wait for it. He's gonna clip the podium right...
Pow. Bing.
That's gonna shave a few points of the old GPA.
Oh, don't you know it. He is a bleeder that little kid, that smartie.
Ladies and gentlemen, a member of the
Whittman side has sustained a serious injury.
Whittman has three minutes to produce their alternate.
You're now the alternate, Eli.
If you're not on that stage in three minutes, Whittman will be disqualified.
I'd stay where you are, Eli. A king always needs his castle.
Let me put it in context. How long have you dreamed of going to Harvard?
My whole life.
How long have you dreamed of beating Harvard?
A couple of months.
You're gonna have to honor the big dream, Eli.
Yeah.
Wait, what the hell are you doing?
I mean, do you really want to screw your school, your team and your friends?
Get some balls, Eli, and go out there and win it.
It's his right. How's your brain feeling?
- I can't do this. - Get out there.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do, guys.
Things just got interesting.
Eli Pettifog, the Whittman Hares star player just stepped out on the stage.
That boy has not missed a question all season long.
He has got brains.
Yes.
He's got hair.
Where the hell have you been?
You don't want to know.
Yes, we do.
Whittman has produced their alternate, so let's resume.
Benny here.
- Benny, it's me, it's Leo. - Yeah?
I want to take the bet back, the Harvard bet?
Leo, I never put the bet through. It doesn't exist.
You should be thanking me.
Hey, Leo? You're welcome.
Thank you, Benny.
Toss up.
Who said, "A whale ship was my Yale College and my Harvard?"
I can't, I can't.
You better.
Five seconds.
Come on, guys.
I would say Melville.
Then say it.
Herman Melville.
That is right.
For your bonus, at the time of his death, Herman Melville was so obscure...
the New York Times misidentified him in his obituary.
I know this.
What name did they use?
Henry Melville.
That is right.
Whittman! Go, Whittman!
We have a tie score.
I can't believe we're tied with Harvard.
I can't believe they're tied with Harvard.
This next question will determine the championship.
Toss up. Iceland and England broke off diplomatic relations in 1976.
What dispute caused the split?
Do you know?
No.
20 seconds.
Dude, come on, Eli, set yourself free, man.
Ten seconds.
Cod? Cod!
Fishing.
Rights!
That is... right!
It's unbelievable. Harvard goes down! Harvard goes down!
The Whittman Warring Hares are this year's champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.
We did it, you guys, we...
Oh, my god.
You are the greatest unbelievable ever now!
Go to the league office and tell them we're getting the shaft.
They wrote a whole rule book for moments like this.
How many stitches did you get?
Seven.
Can I take them out when they're ready?
Yeah.
Nice brain.
- You see this brain? - Yeah.
My left ball is bigger than this brain.
That's why you're so artistic.
Shauna, get in the picture. Yeah, Shauna.
Yo, Pettifog, tell us how awesome we are!
Stop, stop, I'll do the speech. I'll do a speech.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
I, uh... I'm afraid I have some unpleasant business regarding today's final.
According to Rule 324 of the book of Collegiate Mastermind...
An injured player cannot be replaced with less than one minute remaining in a match.
The team must complete the match with two players.
Today Whittman College broke that rule.
I'm sorry to have to tell you that Harvard College...
is this year's Collegiate Mastermind champion.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We all know what happened today.
We beat Harvard fair and square.
But they stole it from us.
Do you know why?
Because they fear us.
We're the beautiful bums. We're the people's champions.
So let us be history's secret.
Are you sure I can do this? I'm not even a student yet.
Don't worry, you're with me.
Ring it.
Leo?
Where's he going?
Let's go down.
Hey, Leo! Where are you going?
Going back to being a civilian.
You're not a civilian.
Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay for my daughter's education.
And I'm going to find an age-appropriate fox, and I mean that.
It's been a pleasure making bad decisions with you.
I'll miss you, too.
Take care. Cut your hair.
Please don't cut your hair.
Of course, I won't. It protects my brain.
What did you say?
Nothing.
Excuse me.
Uh, Miss?
What do you think the future of this Whittman team will be?
I think the sky is the limit for these...
for these fine... fine, young kids.
I think I see a lot of, uh, big jobs in their future.
I see maybe perhaps a couple internet start-ups.
I see a Nobel Prize or two.
I see some... some... some, uh...
I see some... some trash collecting work.
Some of them, obviously, they're not gonna excel like the others.
Some of them were injured too much.
They're gonna waste it. There's gonna be some drug problems.
But by and large, I see a lot of these kids making it big...
if they don't, you know, hit the pipe.
Well, that's all from Poughkeepsie.
You keep learning, America.
You do it.
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