[ BELL TOLLING ]
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> HOME. >> HOME. [ SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
HERE'S TO LOWBALLING THE SELLER
AND STILL GETTING $50,000 OFF
AFTER THE HOME INSPECTION!
>> AHH!
WE COULD PAINT THIS PLACE TODAY,
SELL IT TOMORROW, AND STILL MAKE
MONEY.
>> YES, WE COULD.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I LOVE YOU, JACK WATSON.
>> I LOVE YOU.
NOW, LET ME CARRY YOU OVER THAT
GODDAMN THRESHOLD.
>> OOH! WAIT! STOP!
>> WHAT? WHAT?
NO, NO, NO! COME ON!
LET'S NOT SQUANDER THE MOMENT!
>> NO, I PEED A LITTLE BIT.
>> OH, GOD! REALLY?!
>> I JUST PEED A LITTLE BIT.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
>> UGH!
>> IT'S JUST, THE BABIES ARE
PUSHING ON MY BLADDER.
WILL YOU HAND ME A TISSUE?
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> DO WE HAVE PAPER TOWELS?
>> UH...I GOT...
>> THANKS, BABY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HI. SORRY.
>> NEW, UH...NEW PARENTS -- SOON
TO BE.
JACK, VANESSA.
>> HI!
>> S-SHE PEES A LOT.
>> OKAY.
>> [ SIGHS ]
COME ON.
>> OKAY.
>> AHH!
[ Groaning ] OH, MY GOD!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY
BETTER, I JUST PEED A LITTLE
BIT, TOO.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> JESUS! YOU ARE FAT!
>> [ Laughing ] HONEY!
>> OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
>> HONEY!
>> OHH!
>> HONEY, STOP!
>> [ EXAGGERATED PANTING ]
[ Muffled ] OH, MY GOD!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> OH! OW! >> SWEETIE! >> SHIT!
[ PANTING ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
>> I-I DON'T -- I FOUND THIS
LAMP UP IN THE ATTIC.
I DON'T KNOW.
I THOUGHT I'D GET IT WORKING
AGAIN.
>> NO.
[ BOTH SCREAM ]
>> OH, SHIT! THAT HURTS SO BAD!
>> PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE.
THAT THING WILL KILL SOMEBODY.
>> ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
>> OH!
I KNOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
>> HUH?
>> IF YOU HAVE TIME, I WOULD
REALLY LOVE FOR YOU TO PAINT
OVER THE "MISS 13" GRAFFITI ON
THE FRONT PORCH -- FIRST THING.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SO ADORABLE.
>> WHY AM I --
>> [ SMOOCHES ]
"MISS 13."
IT'S "M.S.-13."
[ CHUCKLES ]
MARA SALVATRUCHA -- IT'S -- IT'S
THIS GANG OUT OF EL SALVADOR.
IT'S THE DEADLIEST GANG IN THE
WORLD.
WELL, ONE OF THE -- DON'T TELL
THE CRIPS THAT, BUT THEY'RE THE
DEADLIEST GANG IN THE WORLD.
>> SO, NOT ONLY IS OUR NEW HOUSE
TAGGED, IT'S TAGGED BY A FAMOUS
GANG.
>> YEAH. IT'S LIKE, UH, BANKSY.
[ Singsong voice ] YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH YOU LOVE BANKSY!
[ Normal voice ] IT'S LIKE THAT,
EXCEPT, UH, YOU KNOW, WITH...
KNIFES AND FACE TATTOOS.
[ SMOOCHES ]
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT?
>> THIS IS THE WORST IDEA OF OUR
LIVES.
THE LOWER, LOWER GARDEN
DISTRICT.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD EXISTS.
>> NO, THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT TRUE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHITE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD EXISTS.
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS ON THE
UPSWING.
I READ ALL ABOUT IT IN DWELL.
>> YOU'RE NOT JUST A LITTLE
NERVOUS IN THIS HOUSE?
[ SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
>> HEY.
THERE IS NOT ONE THING TO BE
AFRAID OF IN THIS HOUSE.
OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ BOTH SCREAM ]
>> OH! OH, MY GOD!
HONEY! GET SOMETHING --
>> GOODNESS GRACIOUS!
Y'ALL GAVE ME A FRIGHT!
>> W-WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT THERE?
>> I-I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS JUST STANDING IN YOUR
BREEZEWAY, LIKE SOME KIND OF
NE'ER-DO-WELL.
>> WELL, YEAH. COME ON IN.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
>> I ABSOLUTELY WILL DO THAT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF.
I AM "FRINELL" EDMUNDS.
I LIVE ACROSS THE WAY OVER HERE.
AND YOU ARE JACK AND VANESSA!
[ CHUCKLES ]
JACK, YOU'RE A PhD STUDENT AT
TULANE UNIVERSITY.
HOW ARE YOU?
AND, VANESSA, YOU ARE AN
OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST,
EXPECTING YOUR FIRST BABY!
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> WOW.
Y-Y-YOU...KNOW A LOT ABOUT US!
>> PBHT! COME ON, Y'ALL. PLEASE.
YOU CAN'T MOVE INTO
THE MAISON DE SANG AND NOT RAISE
A FEW EYEBROWS.
>> "FRINELL"?
>> "FRINELL."
IT'S SPELLED JUST LIKE IT
SOUNDS.
>> YEAH -- F-APOSTROPHE-
R-E-S-N-E-L.
>> IT'S R-- IT'S REALLY NICE TO
MEET YOU.
>> WELL, IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET
THE TWO OF YOU, AS WELL.
>> SORRY WE SCREAMED.
>> OH, I'M SORRY I SCREAMED.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> DID YOU SAY -- UM, DID YOU
SAY "MAISON DE SANG"?
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT ALL THE LOCALS CALL
IT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE NAME WE
BEEN USING FOR YEARS AND YEARS
AND YEARS, YEAH.
>> OH. WELL, THAT'S COOL.
THIS PLACE HAS A NICKNAME
ALREADY.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> IT'S LIKE "TARA" OR
"TWELVE OAKS."
>> A LITTLE BIT LIKE THAT.
>> WELL, THAT'S --
[ Southern accent ] THAT'S VERY
SOUTHERN.
>> OH, IT IS VERY SOUTHERN.
[ Southern accent ] WHAT DOES
IT MEAN?
>> "HOUSE OF BLOOD."
>> H-- WHAT?
>> "HOUSE OF BLOOD."
AND, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW, THE CAJUNS -- THEY LIKED TO CALL IT "LE OU LES MORTS NE SOMMEILLENT
JAMAIS."
>> OH, I LIKE THAT.
>> ISN'T THAT PRETTY?
I LOVE THE SOUND OF THAT.
>> UM, WHAT DOES THAT ONE MEAN?
>> OH, "PLACE WHERE THE DEAD
NEVER REST."
>> HM.
>> YEAH.
THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S ALSO
"CASA PERDIROSA."
THAT'S SPANISH FOR "HOUSE OF THE
LOST."
>> YEAH.
>> AND THEN SOME PEOPLE JUST
CALL IT "THE SPOOKY OL' HOUSE
ON DOWN THE WAY."
BUT NOTHIN' FOR Y'ALL TO WORRY
ABOUT.
NO, NO, NO.
NOBODY HAS BEEN MURDERED IN THIS
HOUSE IN A LO-O-O-O-NG TIME.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY
GOT MURDERED UP IN HERE
YESTERDAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
WOW. SEE?
NOBODY'S BEEN MURDERED HERE FOR
A LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME --
YEARS, IT SOUNDS LIKE.
>> OH -- OH, I'M SORRY. NO.
D-DID I SAY "YEARS"?
'CAUSE IF I DID, I MISSPOKE.
NO, NO, THERE HAVE BEEN VERY,
VERY RECENT MURDERS.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> IT'S JUST THAT, UM, NOT --
NOT ANY IN THIS CALENDAR YEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> UH, W-WHEN YOU -- BY
"CALENDAR YEAR," D-DO YOU MEAN
SINCE JANUARY?
>> EXACTLY.
NOT -- NONE IN THE CALENDAR --
IN THIS CALENDAR YEAR.
>> WELL, THAT'S FOUR SOLID
MONTHS.
>> WELL, G-GIVE OR TAKE.
P-PROBABLY LESS -- PROBABLY MORE
LIKE 3 1/2, MAYBE 2 1/2...
I'LL GO LIKE T-TWO MONTHS AND A
WEEK.
YEAH.
B-B-BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IT'S A GREAT HOUSE.
IT'S A FANTA-- IT GOT REALLY
GOOD BONES.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU MEAN STRUCTURALLY.
[ CHUCKLES ] RIGHT?
NOT LIKE THERE'S BONES IN HERE
SOMEPLACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ Laughing ] SURE.
SURE, VANESSA, LET'S SAY THAT'S
WHAT I MEANT.
>> O...KAY.
>> WELL, I WILL NOW BE ON MY WAY. SO, IF Y'ALL NEED ANYTHING...
>> OKAY. WE SHOULD --
>> ...I'LL ALWAYS BE REAL CLOSE
BY.
GOOD NIGHT TO YOU BOTH.
>> GOOD NIGHT, F'RESNEL.
>> GOOD NIGHT, NOW.
[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> BABY, CAN YOU --
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> OH, YES!
[ BOTH SCREAM ]
I'M SORRY. I APOLOGIZE.
>> OH, MY GOD! F'RESNEL!
>> I APOLOGIZE.
ALMOST HAD THE BABY RIGHT THERE.
LET ME GET IT. I'M SORRY, Y'ALL.
IT STICKS ON THE INSIDE.
YOU GOT TO JIMMY IT A LITTLE
BIT, BUT IT'S REAL EASY TO GET
OPEN AND CLOSED AND GET ACCESS
TO THE HOME AT ANY POINT IN TIME
DURING THE DAY OR NIGHT THAT YOU
WANT, FROM THE OUTSIDE.
>> MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY. THANKS, F'RESNEL.
>> GOOD NIGHT TO YOU, NOW.
>> THANKS. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
WE HAVE TO GET A LOCK ON THIS.
>> I KNOW. I KNOW.
>> OKAY?
>> I KNOW.
WHAT THE FUCK?
[ BELLS RINGING ]
[ MEN CHANTING IN LATIN ] >> [ Italian accent ] AND WHILE CONFRONTING THE DEMON THAT WAS
INHABITING THE YOUNG WOMAN'S
BODY, FATHER INNOCENTE WAS...
>> [ Italian accent ] IMPALED.
>> [ Italian accent ] WITH AN
UMBRELLA.
THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
>> NOT A VERY FITTING END FOR
SUCH A FINE MAN OF THE CLOTH --
TO BE STABBED WITH THE POINTY
END OF AN UMBRELLA.
>> YOU KNOW, IT WAS ACTUALLY NOT
THE POINTY KIND OF UMBRELLA.
IT WAS ACTUALLY ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE, STUBBY UMBRELLAS.
>> IT HAD, LIKE, THE LOGO OF A
LOCAL RADIO STATION ON IT -- ONE
OF THOSE, YOU KNOW?
>> IT HAD THE FACE OF THIS GUY
THEY CALL "THE LOCADOR."
HE'S LIKE A CRAZY LUCHADOR OF
GOOD TIMES, AND HIS FACE WAS ON
THE UMBRELLA.
THE UMBRELLA COMES POPPING
THROUGH THE CHEST OF
FATHER INNOCENTE.
IT POP OPEN.
HIS HEART...STILL...PUMP...
FOR...A FEW...BEATS.
BLOOD SPRAYS EVERYWHERE.
IT WAS...NOT SOMETHING YOU
FORGET RIGHT AWAY.
>> IT'S ALL IN THE REPORT.
>> YES, ABOUT THE REPORT --
UH, THERE IS AN AWFUL LOT OF
DETAILS ABOUT THE IMPALING OF
FATHER INNOCENTE...
>> SI.
>> ...WITH THE UMBRELLA.
>> SI. SI.
>> NEXT TIME, I DON'T NEED
SO MANY DETAILS.
>> JUST --
>> YEAH, BROAD STROKES.
>> AH, BROAD STROKES.
>> THE GIST.
>> SI.
EMINENCE, I MUST TELL YOU THIS.
IT WAS PROBABLY...
THE KIND OF UMBRELLA THEY GIVE
YOU IF YOU GO TO, LIKE, AN EVENT
THAT THE RADIO STATION IS
HOSTING.
>> SCHWAG.
>> AND THIS IS THE THING -- IT
POP THROUGH THE CHEST, YOU
KNOW, LIKE THE DINOSAUR...
THIS ONE.
THIS IS HOW IT POP OPEN, AND
BLOOD SPRAY EVERYPLACE.
IT WAS REALLY, REALLY WEIRD.
>> IT WAS REALLY WEIRD.
>> SO WEIRD.
[ RUSTLING ]
>> LOOK, BOYS. I KNOW THIS WAS A VERY ROUGH ONE, BUT I MAY HAVE ANOTHER JOB
FOR YOU.
>> WHAT IS THE CASE?
>> IT'S A REAL DOOZY.
YOU'RE ALREADY PLAYING CATCH-UP.
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT PHOTO.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> SO GROSS.
>> SUPER-GROSS.
>> THIS IS JUST A PHOTOGRAPH.
>> SI.
>> YEAH.
IN REAL LIFE, IT'S FAR MORE
HORRIFYING.
GET YOUR ASSES ON THE CHOPPER.
>> WE ARE GOING TO NEED...
SOME PER DIEM.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC CUE PLAYS ]
>> YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT ME,
RIGHT?
I HOPE THAT WASN'T FOR ME,
BECAUSE --
>> NO, NO!
>> NO, NO, NO!
>> I WAS REMINDING MYSELF...
>> OKAY.
>> ..."GO TO ACCOUNTING.
WE ARE GOING TO NEED SOME
PER DIEM."
>> LEVEL 4 -- THE GUY DOWN
BELOW.
>> Both: THE HUNCHBACK.
>> YEAH, NEAR THE FINGERS OF
ST. PETER.
[ DISCORDANT PIANO NOTES PLAY ]
[ SHOWER RUNNING ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T LET F'RESNEL GET TO YOU,
EVEN FOR A SECOND.
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY --
IF YOU WERE GONNA BUY A LOTTERY
TICKET -- WHICH I KNOW YOU
WOULDN'T, BECAUSE WE'RE SNOBS --
WOULD YOU BUY IT FROM THE SAME,
EXACT 7-ELEVEN WHERE THE LAST
WINNING LOTTERY TICKET WAS SOLD?
>> OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S LIKE LIGHTNING STRIKING
THE SAME PLACE TWICE.
>> YEAH. PRECISELY.
SO THE FACT THAT THERE HAVE
BEEN A COUPLE OF MURDERS HERE --
>> SEVERAL.
>> SEVERAMURDERS -- THE
CHANCES OF THERE BEING ONE
MURDER ARE SO SLIM
STATISTICALLY.
A-A-A COUPLE?
I MEAN, IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.
SO ONE MORE? FORGET IT.
I THINK YOU'RE SAFER HERE THAN
IN ANY OF THE MURDER-FREE PLACES
WE'VE EVER LIVED AT.
YOU COMING TO BED, BABY?
VANESSA?
SWEETIE?
[ KNOB SQUEAKS ]
[ SCRUBBING ] [ RINGTONE PLAYING ]
[ RINGTONE CONTINUES ]
>> HUH.
[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]
>> Hi, Vanessa. This is Dr. Marsden. I was looking at the latest
ultrasound, and I have to say,
I'm -- well, I'm...not quite
sure how to say this.
I-I-I'm horrified -- not just
as a doctor, but as a person.
You need to come to the office
immediately --
>> [ SNARLS ]
HM.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] OH! SHIT!
FUCK YOU, LAMP!
>> DON'T TAKE NO SHIT OFF THAT
LAMP, JACK.
>> THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH!
HONEY, DON'T FORGET -- MY
SISTER'S COMING TO BLESS THE
HOUSE THIS WEEK.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I DON'T KNOW, BABY.
THAT STUFF'S, LIKE, A LITTLE TOO
"BURNING MAN" FOR ME, YOU KNOW?
>> JACK? PLEASE?
IT'S SOMETHING THAT SHE WANTS TO
DO FOR US, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> PLUS, CURLY BEAR LEFT HER.
>> NAVAJO GUY?
>> MM-HMM.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> HE STOLE ALL HER CREDIT CARDS
AND HER CAR.
>> OH, MY GOD. THAT'S CRAZY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> MARJORIE HAS CREDIT CARDS?
>> JACK...
>> I DID NOT EXPECT THAT IN A
MILLION YEARS.
IT TAKES A LOT TO GET CREDIT
CARDS.
IT TAKES...CREDIT.
>> BE NICE.
>> WHO KNEW?
>> BE NICE.
AND LET HER DO HER WICCA THING.
>> UGH. GOD.
[ SPITS ]
[ COUGHS ]
VANESSA!
>> YES, DARLING?
>> WHAT WAS IN THAT DRINK YOU
JUST GAVE ME?
>> ICED TEA, DARLING.
>> THAT'S PURE PAINT THINNER, BABY. >> MY BAD.
>> YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME.
>> I'M SO SORRY.
>> [ BLOWS ]
>> IT'S...PREGNANT-MOMMY BRAIN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I MUST HAVE MISREAD THE BOTTLE.
>> ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?
>> WHAT?
>> YOU DON'T SEEM ALL RIGHT.
YOU SEEM...KIND OF OFF.
>> ME?
NO.
I FEEL GREAT.
I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER FELT BETTER.
[ SMOOCHES ]
[ BOTH SCREAM ] >> OH! >> [ PANTING ]
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.
[ SIGHS ]
BITCHES BE TRIPPIN'!
[ Laughing ] AM I RIGHT?
THAT'S SOME CRAZY SHIT.
[ LAUGHS ]
I APOLOGIZE, MAN.
I JUST SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF
YOU.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I JUST WOKE UP IN YOUR
CRAWLSPACE, AND I WAS TRYING TO
TIPTOE THROUGH TO THE BATHROOM
WITHOUT BEING SEEN, AND, UH...
[ CHUCKLES ]
...IT WAS TO NO AVAIL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
DID I HEAR YOU CORRECTLY?
YOU'RE SLEEPING IN MY
CRAWLSPACE?
>> OH, MY GOODNESS, YES. YES.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> HOW CAN I EXPLAIN THIS TO
YOU, JACK?
YOU KNOW THAT SHAKESPEARE PLAY
WHERE THE MAN SAYS, "NEITHER A
BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE, BUT
TO...
Both: THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE."
>> YEAH.
IT'S POLONIUS TO LAERTES.
"HAMLET" -- ACT 1, SCENE 3.
>> WELL, COLOR ME IMPRESSED,
JACK WATSON.
COLOR...
ME...
IM...
PRESSED.
>> HM. [ SIGHS ] [ HOLLOW THUD ]
[ STOMPS ]
WO-O-O-O-O-W.
[ RUSTLING ] HELLO? WHO'S THERE?
[ WATER DRIPS ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ BLOWS ]
[ BOX CREAKS ]
OH, MY GOD.
[ DOOR CREAKS ] [ TAPPING ON BOX ] [ SIGHS ]
[ SIGHS ]
HEY, VANESSA?! I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP, ALL RIGHT? I'M BEAT.
>> OF COURSE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ GASPS ] OH -- OH, MY GOD. BABY, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T!
OH, MY GOD.
NO, I CAN'T -- I'M SO SWEATY.
I'M SO SW--
OH, MY GOD. YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
D-DO THAT THING.
DO THAT THING YOU DID IN CANCúN.
DO THAT --
OW! OW!
OH, MY GOD!
[ PANTING ]
OKA--
OW, GOD! HEY!
CAREFUL!
CAREFUL! BABY!
AAH! HONEY!
>> [ CACKLING ]
>> OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
[ PANTING ]
>> HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?!
OH, MY GOD!
>> I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
>> WHAT DID YOU DO?!
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU!
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU!
>> YOU THOUGHT IT WAS ME?
YOU MEANT TO KILL ME?
>> [ Panting ] NO, NO.
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE A BONER?!
HONEY!
>> OH, MY GOD! OH, MY --
>> WHAT IS GOING ON?!
>> OH, GOD. THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE.
>> HONEY, WHO IS SHE?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS!
SHE CREPT UP ON ME.
IT WAS HORRIFYING.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS?
>> SHE CREPT UP ON ME.
SHE SNUCK -- I-I DON'T KNOW.
I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER.
>> WHAT -- JACK?
>> DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.
>> NO, NO, NO.
WE HAVE TO. WE HAVE TO.
WE HAVE TO.
>> SHE'LL BE OKAY.
>> SHE'S NOT OKAY.
>> WHAT?
>> SHE'S NOT OKAY.
>> NO. NO, NO. SHE'S NOT DEAD.
>> SHE IS DEAD.
>> SHE'S -- OH, GOD!
OHH, MY GOD!
>> OH, NO.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> OH, GOD.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> OH, GOD.
>> [ PANTING ]
UH...OKAY.
OKAY.
[ TELEPHONE CLATTERS ]
>> NO.
NO COPS.
>> ARE YOU INSANE?!
I JUST KILLED SOMEBODY!
>> JESUS CHRIST, JACK.
JESUS CHRIST!
>> WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING
AGAIN?
>> THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
THREE HOURS AGO.
LET ME THINK, OKAY?
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> THIS WOMAN IS DEAD.
EVEN IF YOU TELL YOUR SIDE OF
THE STORY, WHO WOULD BELIEVE IT?
DO YOU WANT TO BE IN JAIL FOR
THE FIRST THREE TO FIVE YEARS OF
MY TWINS' LIFE?
>> I'VE GOT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT
REALLY HAPPENED.
>> OKAY. OKAY. OKAY, BABY. OKAY.
WHAT'S THE STORY, JACK?
>> UM...
SHE TRIED TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON
ME, AND THEN, UM...
AND THEN I BLUDGEONED HER TO
DEATH WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
HOLY SHIT!
OH, MY GOD.
IT SOUNDS LIKE I MOUTH-RAPED
SOMEBODY'S GRANDMOTHER AND THEN
MURDERED HER.
>> YOU CAN'T GO TO JAIL.
>> LET ME THINK.
>> WE HAVE BABIES ON THE WAY.
>> LET ME THINK!
[ PANTING ]
[ RAILING CLANGS ] >> [ GASPS ] >> [ SIGHS ]
>> DIG.
>> OH, SHIT BALLS. >> WHAT? >> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL THE
CITY BEFORE YOU DIG.
THERE COULD BE GAS LINES
ANYWHERE.
>> THAT'S REAL SMART, JACK.
LET'S CALL THE CITY AND TELL
THEM PRECISELY WHERE WE'RE
GETTING RID OF A CORPSE FROM A
MURDER.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> THAT'S FAIR.
[ DOG GROWLS ]
DID YOU JUST HEAR SOM--
>> NO.
>> I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH MY
QUESTION, AND YOU JUST SAID NO.
>> WELL, I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
AND IF YOU DID HEAR SOMETHING,
IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.
[ DOG GROWLING ]
>> HOLY SHIT.
DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.
THERE'S A BIG FUCKIN' DOG
STARING RIGHT AT YOU.
>> [ SPEAKING DEMONICALLY ]
>> SERIOUSLY?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?!
YOU SPEAK BULLMASTIFF?
>> ROTTWEILER.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> [ SCOFFS ]
[ SOBBING ]
>> ARE YOU CRYING? >> NO. >> YOU'RE CRYING.
>> I WAS DRY-CRYING 'CAUSE I WAS
LAUGHING A LITTLE BIT, TOO.
I WANT YOU TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST.
>> WILL IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
>> YES, IT WILL. [ INHALES SHARPLY ]
>> THEN OKAY.
>> [ GIGGLES ] WELL, A BIG HELLO TO YOU TWO. YOU MUST BE JACK AND VANESSA.
>> YEAH.
>> YEP.
>> OR DO I HAVE IT THE OTHER WAY
AROUND?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> JACK -- VANESSA.
>> YOU'RE...?
>> YES, I'M DR. MARSHALL.
>> OH!
>> I APOLOGIZE FOR THE
LANCE ARMSTRONG OUTFIT.
I AM JUST NUTS ABOUT BIKING.
>> AH, US TOO.
>> REALLY?
WHAT KIND OF BIKE YOU GOT?
>> UH...
[ LAUGHS ] I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.
WE DON'T HAVE BIKES.
>> [ Laughing ] AT ALL.
>> YEAH.
I-I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
LOOKS LIKE JACK, HERE, MIGHT BE
MR. CUCKOO PANTS, NOT YOU!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ Laughing ] RIGHT, VANESSA?
>> THAT'S FAIR.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> DOCTOR, YOU CAN VERY CLEARLY
SEE THE OUTLINE OF YOUR PENIS IN
THOSE SHORTS.
BABY, LOOK.
>> YOU ARE 100% RIGHT ABOUT THAT, VANESSA. AND, UH...I WILL CHANGE.
AND THEN WE WILL OPEN UP THE
HOOD AND SEE WHAT'S GUNKING UP
THE WORKS IN THERE, OKAY?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
>> SOUNDS GOOD.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
GET OUT OF THERE, YOU CRAZY
GREMLINS!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> LEAVE THIS NICE LADY ALONE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T WORRY, KID!
MOMMY'S NOT GONNA BE CRAZY
FOREVER!
>> OKAY. COME ON.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> OH, THANKS, GUYS.
>> [ GROANS ]
COME ON IN.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
OH. HOLD ON.
UH, I'LL BE RIGHT IN, OKAY?
SORRY.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
HELLO?
>> Jack, my main man.
UM, THERE ARE TWO POLICE
OFFICERS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW,
IN YOUR HOME.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND THEY SEEM REALLY ANXIOUS TO
SPEAK TO YOU.
>> I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
>> OH, INTERESTING.
THAT'S INTERESTING THAT YOU
WOULD SAY THAT.
I'M NO EXPERT, BUT THAT SOUNDS
LIKE the kind of thing that a
guilty person would say.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> WELL, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
OKAY?
INNOCENT PEOPLE SAY THAT, TOO.
>> Yep. I'm sure they do.
Mm-hmm.
>> WAIT -- HOW DID THEY FIND
YOU?
>> OH, UH...
[ CHUCKLES ]
LONG STORY -- THEY KNOCKED ON
THE DOOR, AND THEN I ANSWERED
IT.
>> At my house?
>> YEAH. OH, YEAH.
I JUST POPPED IN FOR A SHOWER.
NO BIG DEAL.
>> LISTEN, LISTEN.
FOR NOW, JUST GET RID OF THE
COPS FOR NOW, OKAY, PLEASE?
>> I-I THINK THEY WANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT MRS. NUSSBAUM.
>> CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS ON
THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, F'RESNEL?
GET RID OF THE COPS, PLEASE.
I'M BEGGING YOU.
>> OKAY.
WELL, CONSIDER IT DONE, MY
WHITE BROTHER.
Much love.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ Laughing ] YOU ARE A RIOT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, DOCTOR.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE
APPRECIATE IT.
THANKS.
[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]
>> THAT WAS FAST.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
>> THAT I'M 100% FINE.
[ LAUGHS ]
I'M JUST STRESSED OUT ABOUT THE
BABIES.
HE EVEN WROTE ME A PRESCRIPTION
FOR VALIUM.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> ISN'T IT GREAT?
>> WHAT?
>> YEAH.
>> WAIT.
HE ACTUALLY SAID "100% FINE,"
AND THEN HE WROTE YOU A
PRESCRIPTION FOR VALIUM EVEN
THOUGH YOU'RE EIGHT MONTHS
PREGNANT WITH TWINS?
>> YEP.
>> WOW. I'M -- I-I'M JUST STUNNED. THAT'S ALL.
I ALMOST DON'T BELIEVE IT.
>> OH. WELL, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, THEN...
W-WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK HIM?
>> LET ME JUST TALK TO HIM REAL
QUICK, OKAY?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> IF... >> [ SIGHS ] >> [ Voice breaking ] IF YOU
DON'T TRUST ME...
AS A MOTHER...
>> NO, NO. >> I'M THE MOTHER OF YOUR UNBORN BABIES, BUT NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO.
I WANT YOU TO GO ASK.
>> I'M SORRY. >> NO! GO AHEAD! I WANT YOU TO ASK HIM, 'CAUSE I
DON'T WANT TO GO HOME AND TALK
ABOUT THIS.
>> I TRUST YOU. I TRUST YOU.
I DO.
I DO. I'M SORRY.
I JUST DIDN'T TRUST HIM.
YOU KNOW?
COME ON.
LET'S GET YOU SOME VALIUM, HUH?
LET'S GET YOU ALL VALIUMED UP.
>> [ SNIFFLES ]
>> ALL RIGHT?
>> YOU'RE THE BEST.
>> [ Sputtering ] HELP.
[ ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME, FATHERS? EXCUSE ME. HI.
I HATE TO BE A PEST, BUT
LOUISIANA HAS SOME PRETTY STICKY
CLEAN-INDOOR-AIR LAWS, AND YOU
GUYS ARE IN MAJOR VIOLATION OF
THEM RIGHT NOW.
SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING
THE CIGARETTES OUT OF DOORS...
>> IF WE, UH, RAP THIS UP IN TIME, I KIND OF WANT TO CHECK OUT THE FRENCH QUARTER, HUH?
>> IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE THE
GIRLS FLASH THEIR BOOBIES?
>> IT'S THE VIEUX CARRé.
IT'S THE ORIGINAL CITY --
FOUNDED IN 1718.
IT'S 78 SQUARE BLOCKS THAT ARE
ALL PROTECTED NATIONAL HISTORIC
LANDMARKS.
IT'S AN AREA STEEPED IN THE
HISTORY OF THE SPANISH AND THE
FRENCH AND THE CIVIL WAR.
>> BUT IT IS ALSO THE PLACE
WHERE THE GIRLS FLASH THEIR
BOOBIES, SI?
>> SI.
COLLEGE GIRLS, TAKING THEIR
PERKY, BRAND-NEW BOOBS OUT FOR A
LITTLE, UH, VICTORY LAP.
THE SWEAT OF THEIR YOUNG BOSOM
MIXING WITH JAGERMEISTER AND
THE HUMIDITY OF THE BAYOU,
JIGGLING FOR FOOL'S GOLD.
>> PLEASE, MY FRIEND.
YOU HAD ME AT "PERKY, NEW
BOOBS."
>> MM.
>> OH! FUCK! [ SIGHS ]
>> I TOLD YOU -- LET THAT THING
BE.
[ DOG GROWLING ]
>> IS THAT DOG BACK AGAIN? I DO NOT LIKE THAT THING CREEPING AROUND HERE.
>> I THINK IT'S KIND OF CUTE. >> I'M GONNA BUY A GUN. THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS NUTS.
>> SMART, JACK -- MOVE TO THE
GHETTO AND BRING ANOTHER GUN IN.
YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR NPR TOTE
BAG TAKEN AWAY FOR COMMENTS LIKE
THAT.
>> MORNING, Y'ALL.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> HI, F'RESNEL.
>> HOW YOU DOIN'?
[ POUNDING ON DOOR ]
>> JACK WATSON? NEW ORLEANS PARISH POLICE. >> HI. UH, YEAH.
YEAH, I'M JACK WATSON.
I'M SORRY.
HAVE I, UH, DONE ANYTHING WRONG?
>> YOU TELL US, BOY GENIUS.
YOU...TELL US.
>> YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THE
WHEREABOUTS OF ONE
MISS ELAINE NUSSBAUM?
>> ABOUT 90 YEARS OLD, 5'9",
MISSING A COUPLE TEETH.
>> NOPE. NO, I DON'T.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
REALLY?
>> HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED TO
HER?
>> YOU TELL US. >> I-- >> IS -- IS THAT A "YES"?
>> YOU TELL US.
>> TELL US.
>> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
HER.
LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GONNA ASK US
QUESTIONS, SHOULD WE GET A
LAWYER?
>> IF YOU'RE GUILTY, YOU
ABSOLUTELY SHOULD.
ABSOLUTELY.
DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD...
IF YOU'RE GUILTY.
>> SO...
ARE YOU?
ARE YOU GUILTY, SHAKESPEARE?
>> ARE YA, EINSTEIN?
HMM?
>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
BRAINIAC.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> WHAT DID YOU DO THAT MAKES
YOU NERVOUS?
WHAT'D YOU DO, BOOKWORM?
>> NOTHING!
I--
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
>> WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A WALK
WITH US, CASANOVA?
>> WAIT. I'M SORRY.
I'M CONFUSED.
>> YEAH.
>> UH, AM I STILL CASANOVA?
BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, ALL THE
NICKNAMES HAVE BEEN
SMART-GUY-RELATED, AND THAT'S
MORE LIKE...LOVER BOY.
>> YES, CASANOVA'S ALSO YOU.
I WAS TRYING TO COME UP WITH
ANOTHER SMART GUY, AND I JUST
BLANKED.
I'M SORRY.
>> SHOULD HAVE SAID
STEPHEN HAWKING.
>> SH-- YOU --
>> WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A WALK
WITH US, MOLIèRE?
>> NICE.
[ FLIES BUZZING ]
>> SO... [ CLEARS THROAT ] HAVEN'T SEEN MISS NUSSBAUM IN A
WHILE.
I'M WONDERING HOW YOU'D EXPLAIN
THIS.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> [ CACKLING ] >> OH, MY GOD! >> SHE JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK
YOU.
>> W-WHY -- I DIDN'T --
WHY DOES SHE WANT TO SAY THANK
YOU?
>> ACCORDING TO HER, SHE GOT
LOST WHEN SHE WAS SLEEPWALKING.
YOU FOUND HER, PUT HER DOWN FOR
A NAP, AND NOW SHE FEELS FINE.
>> I FEEL FINE!
>> AH.
>> [ CLAPPING ]
>> SHE LIVES, UH, DOWN AT THE
NURSING HOME DOWN THE BLOCK.
SHE, YOU KNOW, GETS OUT ALL THE
TIME.
>> I thought you checked her
pulse.
>> I did check her pulse.
>> LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY WANTS TO
GIVE YOU A HUG.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] NO.
>> IT IS OUR DUTY TO LEGALLY
ENFORCE THAT HUG.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> I'M...PRETTY SURE YOU CAN'T
LEGALLY ENFORCE A HUG.
>> JUST SUCK IT UP.
GIVE HER A HUG.
>> Honey, do it.
You have to do it.
>> JUST HUG THE BITCH, CHAMP.
>> Guys, listen, listen, listen.
I don't want to hug her, okay?
Please -- I don't want to hug
her.
She's old.
>> HEY!
THAT IS SOMEONE'S
GREAT-GRANDMOTHER YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
>> DON'T --
OKAY! OKAY! OKAY?
I'LL HUG HER. I'LL HUG HER.
>> [ PANTING ]
>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OKAY,
MRS. NUSSBAUM.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT?
GREAT. GREAT.
OKAY.
OKAY, GREAT.
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> GUYS?
>> ACT LIKE A LADY,
MRS. NUSSBAUM.
>> [ CACKLING ]
>> I NEED A LITTLE HELP!
SHE'S REALLY STRONG!
>> ACT LIKE A LADY!
>> PLEASE, HELP ME!
>> [ CACKLING ]
>> BE A LADY, MRS. NUSSBAUM!
>> SHE'S GOT A FINGER IN MY ASS!
SHE'S GOT A FINGER IN MY ASS,
AND IT HURTS SO BAD!
>> BAD GRANDMA!
[ TASER ZAPS ]
>> GOTCHA!
>> AAH! OH!
>> GEEZ!
>> AAH!
>> STILL GOT IT.
>> OH, HER NAILS ARE SO SHARP!
>> YOU OKAY?
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT WAS GROSS.
>> IS SHE ALIVE?
>> YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
SHE'LL BE FINE.
THE FUCKIN' CITY TURNED DOWN THE
POWER ON THESE BABIES A COUPLE
YEARS AGO TO SAVE MONEY.
THESE THINGS COULDN'T KILL
ANYBODY.
[ TASER ZAPS ]
>> OH, FUCK! AAH!
>> IT'S NOT A BIG THING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
IT.
>> YEAH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT --
[ TASER ZAPS ]
>> [ SCREAMS ]
COME ON, RON! SHIT, MAN!
I GOT FILLINGS!
FUCK!
>> WOW.
IF...YOU DON'T NEED US FOR
ANYTHING ELSE, WE SHOULD...
>> YEAH, THAT'S...
>> YEAH.
>> THAT'S ABOUT IT.
>> GREAT. WE'RE GOOD.
>> GREAT. OKAY. GOOD.
WELL, YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHERE
TO FIND US.
>> THANKS FOR HELPING US SORT
ALL THIS OUT.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THAT OLD
LADY WAS DAZED AND COVERED IN
DIRT, BUT...FUCK IT, RIGHT?
>> [ LAUGHS WEAKLY ] >> [ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
[ LAUGHS ]
>> I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD.
>> ME TOO.
[ BOTH CHUCKLING ]
>> TO LIVING AND LEARNING.
>> [ Chuckling ] TO LIVING AND
LEARNING.
>> MM.
>> AHHHHH. WOW. >> OHH.
>> I THINK WE HAVE TO KILL THOSE
COPS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
>> HONEY.
They know way too much.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> UH, I'M REALLY TIRED, BUT I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE JOKING OR NOT.
>> I'M FINE.
>> I DIDN'T ASK YOU IF YOU'RE
FINE.
>> I'M FINE.
WHEW!
NEED A NEW BOTTLE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> CAN WE...JUST TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT WITH THE BOOZE? >> MM.
JUDGE JUDY.
>> JUST, EVERYTHING IN
MODERATION, OKAY?
>> NO MORE.
YOU WIN.
NO ONE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
I'M GONNA GO, UH...
I'M GONNA GO WASH ALL THIS
OLD-LADY VAGINA OFF ME.
[ Groaning ] OH, MY GOD.
[ SIGHS ]
>> [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
>> I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT THIS GUY NEXT TIME I'M FIGHTING OFF A BONER.
>> PHEW.
MAN, CHECK THIS OUT.
[ CAMERA BEEPS ]
>> Both: OH, GROSS!
[ CAMERA BEEPS ]
GROSS.
[ CAMERA BEEPS ]
GROSS!
[ CAMERA BEEPS ]
UGH! GROSS!
>> HEY, FATHER. THANKS FOR COMING DOWN SO QUICKLY.
>> PEACE BE WITH YOU.
>> YEAH, PEACE BE WITH YOU.
>> AND ALSO WITH YOU.
>> PEACE BE WITH YOU.
>> AND ALSO WITH YOU.
>> PEACE BE WITH YOU.
>> YIKES.
>> OUR CHIEF CALLED YOU AS SOON
AS HE HEARD ABOUT THIS POOR SON
OF A BITCH.
YOU KNOW, WE GET SOME VOODOO
STUFF EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT
THIS JUST SEEMED KIND OF MORE,
UH...
>> BIBLICAL?
>> BIBLICAL.
>> YEAH.
>> MM.
>> IT'S PRETTY WEIRD.
>> SUPER-, SUPER-WEIRD.
>> YEAH.
>> SHALL WE?
>> IF YOU WANT.
>> SCUSI.
>> ALL YOURS.
>> SCUSI.
>> YOUR CRIME SCENE.
YOUR CRIME SCENE.
[ CAMERA FLASHING ]
>> [ CHANTING IN LATIN ]
>> WOW. GET ANY READINGS OFF OF HIM? >> WE DON'T GET, UH, READINGS.
>> THAT'S NOT US.
>> THAT'S THE GHOST HUNTERS.
>> THE GHOST HUNTERS.
WE DON'T DO THAT.
>> OH, RIGHT.
BUT IS THIS THE WORK OF THE
DEVIL?
>> THIS?
OH, OFF THE RECORD --
BETWEEN YOU, ME, AND THE
CRUCIFIED GUY ON THE WALL...
>> I'D SAY THAT THIS IS THE WORK
OF THE DEVIL.
>> OR ONE OF HIS VERY TOP GUYS.
PEOPLE, THEY THINK THAT THE
DEVIL, HE'S MADE UP, LIKE
SANTA CLAUS, BUT I ASSURE YOU --
THE DEVIL IS REAL.
AND HE'S A DICK.
>> WELL, ALL DUE RESPECT, PADRES, WE'VE STILL GOT TO CHECK AND SEE IF THERE'S A HUMAN
INVOLVED IN THIS CLAMBAKE.
>> BUT WE'RE OPEN TO THE DEVIL
THING, TOO.
>> COULD BE THE DEVIL.
COULD BE THE DEVIL, YOU KNOW.
COULD BE AN EX-GIRLFRIEND ON
PCP.
>> SI, SI. IT'S NO PROBLEM.
>> YOU DO YOUR THING.
WE DO OURS.
>> WE'RE NOT TRYING TO STEP ON
YOUR TOES.
>> SO, I GUESS WE'LL CALL THE
CORONER, GET HIM TAKEN DOWN TO
THE MORGUE, CALL IT A DAY.
>> YEAH.
HEY, YOU GUYS NEW IN TOWN?
>> SI.
>> YOU EVER HAVE A DOMILISE'S
PO'BOY?
>> OHHH, PO'BOY.
>> IT'S GOOD.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> MM.
>> MMM.
>> MM.
>> AH, SI.
>> MMM.
>> MM.
>> MMM!
>> MM.
>> YEAH.
>> OH!
>> YEAH.
>> MM.
>> YEAH.
>> MM.
>> OH.
>> MMM.
>> YEAH.
>> MM.
>> MMM.
>> YEAH.
>> MMM.
>> OH!
>> OH.
>> YEAH.
>> MM.
>> OH.
>> MMMM.
>> MM-MMM.
>> MMMM.
>> MM.
>> OH.
>> MM.
>> MMM.
>> MMM!
>> MM.
>> MMM.
>> MMM!
>> [ SLURPING ]
>> MMM.
[ CHIPS CRUNCHING ]
>> ARMPH!
[ GULPING ]
[ POP ]
>> [ BELCHES ]
>> [ GULPING ]
>> MMM.
[ GLUGGING ]
[ CLINK ]
>> MM.
>> MMM.
>> MM.
>> [ SLURPS ]
>> [ GULPS ]
>> [ BURPS ]
>> MM!
>> [ GULPS ]
>> SI!
>> MMM.
>> [ BELCHES ]
>> [ FARTS ]
>> [ FARTS SQUEAKILY, SIGHS ]
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> AHH.
>> UGH.
>> OH!
>> WHEW!
>> OH!
>> OOH!
>> WHEW!
>> AHH.
>> OH.
>> OHH!
>> [ BELCHES ]
>> [ FARTS ]
LO SIENTO.
>> WHOA.
>> I CAN'T EAT ANY MORE.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> HOW DID YOU TWO GUYS BECOME
PRIESTS, ANYWAY?
>> YEAH, YOU GUYS DON'T REALLY
EVEN SEEM THAT GAY.
>> MM.
>> MPATH TO THE PRIESTHOOD
WAS, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
I WAS AN UP-AND-COMING
BULLFIGHTER IN MADRID.
>> WOW.
>> SHIT.
>> THAT'S AWESOME.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
>> WHAT HAPPENED...
IS THAT THE BULL DOES NOT LOSE
EVERY BULLFIGHT.
THIS BULL WAS LIKE THE
MICHAEL JORDAN OF BULLS.
HE WAS AMAZING.
YOU KNOW, HE POKED ME THROUGH
LIKE I WAS A CUSTARD FLAN AND
HE WAS -- AND HE WAS...
A BULL, YOU KNOW.
>> A BULL.
>> EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
THE BAD THING IS, I COULD HEAR
THE PARADE THAT THEY THREW FOR
THE BULL, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THIS BULL WAS VERY
POPULAR THEN.
HE'S STILL POPULAR NOW FOR
ALMOST KILLING SUCH A PROMISING
YOUNG MATADOR, YOU KNOW?
>> WHOA.
>> SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WERE YOU LIKE A BULLFIGHTER,
TOO?
>> I WAS ONE OF THOSE
LIVING-STATUE GUYS, EH?
>> OH, YEAH!
>> ONE OF THOSE GUYS.
>> THOSE WEIRDOS THAT PAINT
THEMSELVES ALL WHITE.
>> MAKE A LOT OF TIPS.
LADIES LOVE IT.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
>> BAD LUCK.
[ GUNSHOTS ]
I GOT CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE OF
A LOCAL MAFIA FEUD.
THEY WERE TRYING TO SHOOT A CAPO
WHO WAS TESTIFYING AGAINST THE
FAMILY, AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW IF
THEY NO SEE ME OR THEY JUST
THINK I'M A STATUE, BUT I GOT
SHOT 19 TIMES.
>> 19 TIMES SEEMS EXCESSIVE.
>> THEY, UH, SAY IT'S STILL A
RECORD IN THAT PART OF ITALY,
EH?
>> HEY!
>> YEAH, NOT BAD.
>> FOR ITALY, THAT'S SOMETHING.
>> TO ITALY!
>> THAT IS SOMETHING FOR ITALY.
>> PUT THAT ON YOUR FACEBOOK
PAGE.
>> THEY TAKE ME BACK TO A LOCAL
HOSPITAL, AND THERE, THE GOOD
SISTERS SAVE MY LIFE.
THEY SUCKED THE 19 BULLETS OUT
OF MY BODY WITH THEIR MOUTHS.
[ HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS ]
I GUESS THE DOCTOR WAS NOT THERE THAT DAY. >> HUH.
>> IT WAS A GOOD DAY. >> DESCRIBE THAT MEMORY FOR JUST ANOTHER SECOND.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
>> IT WAS ON THAT DAY I DECIDED TO GIVE MY LIFE TO GOD.
>> [ BELCHES ] >> BUT YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW BECAME PARTNERS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
LET'S TELL THE STORY.
I WAS NEW TO THE FORCE.
>> AND I'M A BIT OF A RENEGADE.
[ COP-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I THINK WE GET IT. >> YEAH, WE GET IT. >> YOU NO GET ALONG, YOU DO
GET ALONG.
>> AND THEN YOU DO GET ALONG.
>> I GOT IT. YES.
>> CAN I JUST TELL A LITTLE BIT
MORE?
>> IT'S OKAY. I GET IT.
>> WE GET IT.
>> WE LISTENED TO YOUR WHOLE
BACKSTORY.
>> I'M SURE IT'S FASCINATING.
>> I KNOW, YOU COPS -- YOU DON'T
GET ALONG, AND THEN YOU DO.
WE GET IT.
>> NO, IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE
COMPLICATED THAN THAT.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
>> HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN
TO BOURBON STREET?
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> [ PANTING, GROWLING ]
[ GASPS ] [ PANTING ]
>> [ GASPS ] >> [ WHINES ] [ SNARLS, SNORTS ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ BOTTLES AND JARS RATTLE ]
>> [ HISSES ]
[ SLURPING ]
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
>> THERE YOU ARE, SLEEPING BEAUTY. >> I'M GOING BACK TO BED,
SWEETIE.
>> YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR 36
HOURS.
YOU FEELING OKAY?
HOW MANY VALIUM DID YOU TAKE?
>> NOT THAT MANY.
THESE LITTLE DEVILS ARE KICKING
ME SO HARD AND SCRATCHING LIKE A
MOTHERFUCKER.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> SCRATCHING?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK WE SHOULD CALL
DR. MARSHALL.
>> [ RASPS ]
[ Demonically ] I'M FINE.
[ Normal voice ] OH.
DON'T FORGET -- MARJORIE WANTS
TO DO THE SMUDGE CEREMONY FOR
THE HOUSE, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ] MM.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ DIALING ]
[ SIGHS ] [ Ringing ] COME ON.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH
HEADPHONES ]
[ Ringing ] DAMN IT! [ SIGHS ]
COME ON!
[ SIGHS ]
>> JACKIE BOY! >> OH, MY GOD! >> OH! WHOA!
>> Both: OHHH!
>> HAA!
>> Both: [ Sighing ] OHH.
OHH.
>> WHEW!
[ BOTH SIGH ]
>> WOW!
>> MY APOLOGIES.
I AM SO SORRY.
I MUST HAVE REALLY GIVEN YOU A
FRIGHT, YOU KNOW, JUST LURKING
DOWN HERE IN YOUR CRAWLSPACE
LIKE SOME TERRIFYING MAN-SIZED
OPOSSUM!
[ Chuckling ] I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW?
HOLY MACKEREL, MAN.
I TELL YOU, THEY'RE SPOOKY --
MARSUPIALS.
>> YEAH.
>> OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
>> YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO SET SOME
GROUND RULES ABOUT COMING AND
GOING.
>> OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME.
HAS SOMEBODY REMOVED A BOX OF
VINTAGE PORNOGRAPHY?
I HAD, UM [CLEARS THROAT] I HAD
BEEN LOOKING AFTER IT, YOU SEE.
AND THEN I LOOK -- I JUST CAME,
AND IT WA-- [POPS LIPS]
IT JUST WASN'T THERE, YOU KNOW?
IT HAD MOVED IN SOME WAY, SHAPE,
OF FORM.
>> NO.
>> YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT?
>> NO. NO. SORRY.
>> NO? OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
WELL, I-I-IF YOU HAPPEN TO COME
BY IT, I DO CONSIDER IT MINE,
ALL RIGHT?
BUT BEFORE YOU GET UPSET...
I WANT YOU KNOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU KNOW, "I DON'T WANT F'RESNEL
PLEASURING HIMSELF IN MY
CRAWLSPACE TO VINTAGE
PORNOGRAPHY."
I GET IT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> UH, YOU KNOW, IT'S FU-- I
HADN'T YET FORMULATED THAT
THOUGHT INTO WORDS, BUT NOW THAT
YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING,
YES.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW
WHAT, JACK?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IT'S JUST LIKE OUR BOY
SHAKESPEARE SAYS, BABY -- "IF WE
LOVERS HAVE OFFENDED, THINK
BUT THIS, AND ALL IS MENDED."
AM I RIGHT?
>> OH, I HATE "MIDSUMMERS" --
>> OH, HEY, I WANTED TO ASK YOU
ABOUT MRS. NUSSBAUM AND HOW SHE
WAS ALL COVERED UP IN THAT DIRT
AND THEN ASKING AFTER YOU AND
THEN THE POLICE COMING AND
QUESTIONING YOU.
I MEAN...
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
>> T-THAT WAS JUST A STUPID
MISUNDERSTANDING.
>> OHH!
>> YEAH.
>> OH, OKAY. OKAY.
SO IT WASN'T LIKE YOU THOUGHT
YOU HAD MURDERED HER AND YOU
WERE ACTUALLY BURYING HER ALIVE?
>> [ Chuckling ] WHAT? NO.
>> NO?
>> AH...UNH-UNH.
>> OKAY. NO, NO.
>> WHAT?!
NO, I-I-I-I-I-I--
WELL, UM, F--
[ CHUCKLES ]
CH-- SH--
NO.
WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT -- MAY I
ASK, WHAT GAVE YOU THAT VERY
SPECIFIC AND DETAILED
IMPRESSION?
>> OH, WELL, YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW, JACK, UM...
SOMETIMES I SEE THINGS.
I SEE LOTS OF DETAILED THINGS.
WE HAVE A FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP,
RIGHT?
>> OF COURSE, F'RESNEL.
>> SO, UH, YOU KNOW, LET'S NOT
WORRY ABOUT MY COMINGS AND
GOINGS AND WHAT HAVE YOU AND
WORRY ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP.
LIKE, WHEN ONE OF US SEES THE
OTHER FRIEND MURDER A PERSON AND
DISPOSE OF THE BODY, THEN WE
JUST LET IT SLIDE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
EVEN IF IT'S JUST A HALF-MURDER,
LIKE WITH YOU AND MRS. NUSSBAUM.
WHAT YOU SAY?
HUH?
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
>> [ SIGHS ]
OF COURSE. HEY. >> YEP?
>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
>> MM-HMM.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN A BIG, SCARY
DOG AROUND HERE?
>> OKAY, NOW, JACK, I'M SORRY.
THAT DOG IS AS EXACTLY ALIVE AS
MRS. NUSSBAUM IS DEAD.
>> DOG IS A--
I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T -- I CAN'T DO THE MATH.
>> IT'S A GHOST DOG.
THAT'S A STRAIGHT-UP GHOST DOG.
>> OH.
>> YEAH, PEOP-- PEOPLE BEEN
SEEING THE DOG AND WHATNOT, AND
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I DON'T
BELIEVE IN IT.
WHEN YOU SEE A BIG-ASS DOG
RUNNING AROUND, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU SEE.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
JACK?
>> NO. WHAT?
>> DOG PUUP.
>> DOG...?
>> DOG PUUP.
WHEN YOU GOT A DOG RUNNING
AROUND, IT'S GONNA BIG OL' PILES
OF DOG PUUP EVERYWHERE.
AND I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR
15 YEARS.
I AIN'T NEVER, NARY SEEN NO ONE
PILE.
>> 15 YEARS, NO...
>> NO PUUP.
>> ...PUUP?
>> YEP, YEP. NOT A SINGLE BIT.
THAT'S JUST A PHANTOM DOG, OKAY?
HE'S PROBABLY A SPECTER FROM THE
BEYOND, OKAY?
HE'S PROBABLY JUST SOME KIND OF,
LIKE, LITTLE DEVIL'S MINION WHO
HAS TAKEN A FORM THAT HE KNOWS
WILL SCARE US.
KEEP THIS IN YOUR MIND, OKAY?
THIS IS FOOD FOR THOUGHT FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.
GHOSTS...DON'T KILL PEOPLE.
PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE.
AND OCCASIONALLY, YOU'LL HAVE A
PERSON WHO'S UNDER THE EVIL
POWER OF A GHOST WHO WILL KILL
SOMEBODY.
BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
RIGHT NOW -- THIS HOUSE --
PHEW! -- I THINK IT'S GOT ITS
BEST DAYS AHEAD OF IT.
>> THANKS, F'RESNEL.
>> OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BROTHER.
I THINK, UH...
THINK I NEED TO GET A PO'BOY.
>> HM.
>> ARE YOU GAME?
>> OH, NO. NO, NO. I SHOULDN'T.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT.
>> MM.
>> MM. WOW!
[ WRAPPER CRINKLES ]
Wow.
>> MM-HMM?
>> WOW!
>> MM.
>> [ SLURPS ]
>> HOT DIGGITY.
>> WHEW!
>> MM-HMM?
>> WOW!
[ SLURPS ]
[ BLOWS NOSE ]
>> THERE IT IS.
[ BURPS ]
>> YEAH.
>> BLBLBL!
MM-HMM!
>> HA HA!
WOW!
[ BOTH SLURP ]
[ BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY ]
>> TWO MORE SHRIMP PO'BOYS.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
[ DOG GROWLING ]
>> [ PANTING ] FUCK! [ SIGHS ]
[ PANTING CONTINUES ]
[ GRUNTS ]
COME ON! HUNH! [ SIGHS ]
>> AAH! >> AAAAH! >> AAH!
AAH!
OHH!
OHH! OHH!
>> I AM SO SICK OF BEING
STARTLED!
[ WATER RUNNING ]
>> Mrs. Nussbaum? >> NO, SILLY. IT'S ME. >> [ SIGHS ]
HM.
[ ZIPPER OPENS, BELT RATTLES ]
I HOPE, UH, I HOPE THERE'S SOME HOT WATER LEFT OVER FOR... [ French accent ] ZE LITTLE
MONSIEUR.
>> AAH!
>> OH, MY GOD!
MARJORIE!
WHY IS MY WIFE'S SISTER IN MY
SHOWER?
I GOT TO SET SOME GROUND RULES
AROUND HERE RIGHT NOW --
STARTING RIGHT NOW.
>> I SAID IT WAS ME.
GEEZ.
WAIT -- THE LITTLE MONSIEUR?
REALLY?
OHH!
>> NO, COME ON!
IT'S THE -- YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE
CONTEXT.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
CIRCUMCISED, JACK.
>> REALLY?
WE NEVER COVERED THAT AT
THANKSGIVING?
>> IT'S GENITAL MUTILATION, YOU
KNOW.
SLICING OFF THE TOPS OF BOY'S
DICKS BECAUSE A
COUPLE-THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD BOOK
ABOUT A MEDICINE MAN NAMED MOSES
SAYS TO DO IT?
THAT'S RELIGION FOR YOU.
>> HAH!
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
OKAY, WELL, UM...
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
UH...WHEN DID YOU LEAVE THE
RESERVATION?
>> YOU HAVE A PRETTY NICE DICK,
JACK.
>> THANK YOU?
>> YOU KNOW I DON'T BELIEVE IN
MARRIAGE, WHICH IS BASICALLY
INSTITUTIONALIZED SLAVERY AND
THE SUBJUGATION OF WOMEN.
>> HUH!
DIDN'T -- I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU
SAY THAT BEFORE.
>> YEAH.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO
MY SISTER, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU
OWN HER.
>> [ SIGHS ]
SO, UH...WHAT WERE WE TALKING
ABOUT BEFORE THE DICK THING?
UH...YEAH.
WHEN DID YOU LEAVE THE
RESERVATION?
>> OH, LAST WEEK.
I MOVED TO A COOPERATIVE FARM IN
BATON ROUGE.
>> YUCK.
>> IT'S PRETTY COOL.
HERE.
HELP A SISTER OUT AND GET MY
BACK, WILL YOU?
>> I DO-- MM...
>> THANK YOU.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ SNIFFS ] OH! THAT SMELLS AWFUL! >> [ SCOFFS ] IT DOES NOT.
IT'S ALL-NATURAL, ORGANIC
QUINOA-FLAX LOTION WITH KELP AND
OCTOPUS PLACENTA.
>> OCTOPUS PLACENTA.
>> [ GROANS ]
SUCH STRONG HANDS.
MY SISTER'S GOT SUCH GOOD TASTE.
OHH, YEAH.
I'M A FUCKING IDIOT WITH GUYS.
>> REALLY?
>> MM-HMM.
CURLY BEAR LEFT ME.
>> OH.
>> HE EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF
THE WHOLE TRIBE.
>> I DOUBT IT.
>> PLUS, HE STOLE MY SUBARU
OUTBACK AND ALL MY CREDIT CARDS.
AND MY BANJO.
>> MM-HMM.
>> AND MY MacBook PRO.
>> YEAH.
WELL, I BET YOU CALLED THE COPS.
>> NO, OF COURSE NOT.
IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD BE
THANKING CURLY BEAR, YOU KNOW?
I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN MATERIAL
B.S. THAT I WAS MISSING THE
MOMENT.
>> YEAH, I KNOW.
THAT BANJO WAS TOTALLY HOLDING
YOU BACK.
>> YEAH.
SPIN. I'LL DO YOU NOW.
>> NO.
[ SIGHS ]
>> TRUST ME -- THIS STUFF IS
LIKE YOUR SKIN NEVER BREATHED
BEFORE, LIKE IT'S BEEN
SUFFOCATING UNTIL TODAY.
>> SKIN DOESN'T BREATHE.
YOU EVER HEARD THAT?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
>> [ GIGGLES ] SURE, JACK.
>> [ GIGGLES MOCKINGLY ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> IT'S NOT SEXUAL, JACK.
>> MM.
>> IT'S JUST PEOPLE.
>> AWESOME.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE OCTOPUS
PLACENTA...
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> ...AND THAT CONVERSATION.
AND I AM GONNA GO...
ANYWHERE ELSE, BECAUSE I'VE GOT
A TON TO DO, AND THIS IS WILDLY
INAPPROPRIATE.
>> YOU HAVE AN ERECTION, JACK.
>> YEAH. I GET THEM.
>> IT'S NOTHING TO BE
EMBARRASSED BY.
IT'S TOTALLY NATURAL.
IF ANYTHING, I THINK IT SHOULD
BE CELEBRATED.
>> HMM.
>> THAT'S WHAT A MAYPOLE
SYMBOLIZES, OF COURSE.
>> OF COURSE.
>> OH, HEY!
>> AAH! WOW!
>> HI!
>> IT'S LIKE GRAND CENTRAL
STATION IN HERE.
>> OH, MY GOD! HI!
>> OH, YOU MUST BE MARJORIE.
>> YES!
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> HI!
>> I AM F'RESNEL.
I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT
CURLY BEAR.
>> PBHT! >> THANK YOU. >> AIE-BAH-BAAAAH!
WE CALL ON YOU, OGLEFAY.
WE THANK YOU FOR CLEANING THIS
HOUSE OF E-E-E-VIL.
WE THANK JACK FOR OPENING HIS
DOORS AND HIS HEART.
WE THANK F'RESNEL FOR BEARING
WITNESS TO THIS CEREMONY.
WE THANK THIS GUY...FOR...
>> YEAH, I'M JUST HERE TO
INSTALL THE CABLE INTERNET.
>> SORRY.
THE CIRCLE'S ALREADY BEEN
ESTABLISHED, SO IF YOU'LL JUST
BEAR WITH US A FEW MINUTES...
>> COOL.
>> PBHT!
PBHT!
>> SO SORRY YOU GOT ROPED INTO
THIS.
>> WAIT.
WHERE'S MY SISTER?
>> SHE'S LYING DOWN.
SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.
>> WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE
INSISTED.
>> I DID.
AND SHE DID THIS.
>> GODDAMN!
>> OH, DEAR!
>> GODDAMN.
>> OKAY, THAT COULD GET
INFECTED.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET SOME
BACTINE ON THERE.
>> THANK YOU!
I PUT SOME FUCKING BACTINE ON
IT!
>> WHOA, JACK.
>> I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH, THIS HOUSE
HAS HAD A STRANGE EFFECT ON MY
WIFE, AND I THINK SHE MIGHT BE
POSSESSED BY A DEMON, SO I'M A
LITTLE STRESSED OUT.
>> THIS IS AN EVIL HOUSE, SO
WE DOIN' THIS LITTLE, YOU KNOW,
GRIS-GRIS CEREMONY.
NOT A DAY TOO SOON, NEITHER.
>> IT'S ACTUALLY A HAITIAN
CEREMONY.
IT CLEANS THE SPACE OF BAD
SPIRITS.
>> COOL. VERY COOL.
>> [ BLOWS ]
>> AGAIN, JUST HERE FOR THE
CABLE INTERNET.
>> [ INHALES ] [ EXHALES ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ COUGHING ]
IS THERE MARIJUANA IN THERE? >> UH-HUH. YEAH. >> IS THAT WHAT USUALLY GOES IN
THERE?
>> NO, IT'S USUALLY JUST
TOBACCO, BUT TOBACCO IS SO BAD
FOR YOU.
[ LIGHTER CLICKS ]
>> IS IT JUST ME, Y'ALL, OR IS
THIS, UM...
VERY, VERY...
VERY STRONG MARIJUANA?
>> WE GROW IT ON THE
RESERVATION.
>> DO YOU, NOW?
>> YEAH.
>> GOOD FOR YOU, BABY.
>> YEAH.
[ SITAR MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> MY HANDS ARE LIKE -- LIKE THE HULK. YOU KNOW THE INCREDIBLE HULK?
NO, THEY'RE LIKE REGULAR SIZE?
'CAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE HULK
HANDS.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> LIKE I CAN JUST PUNCH A
CRATER INTO THE GROUND, YOU
KNOW?
>> I GOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I THINK I SHOULD GO TO THE
HOSPITAL.
>> I ALSO HAVE TO GO TO THE
HOSPITAL.
THE OTHER ME NEEDS TO GO TO THE
HOSPITAL IF I CAN GET DOWN
THERE.
TOMORROW.
>> Shh!
JUST RIDE IT OUT.
IT'S LIKE SURFING A WAVE.
IT SEEMS TOO BIG AT FIRST, AND
THEN SOON, YOU'RE COASTING INTO
THE BEACH, AND THE VIEW IS
FANTASTIC.
YOU GUYS, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!
>> IT'S NOT A DIFFERENT ME.
IT'S ME FROM A DIFFERENT TIME.
>> [ HOWLS ]
>> GIZO, GIZO, GIZO! FUNKY CALATCHYO! FUNYON! [ TRILLING ]
OHHHHHHH!
YA-YA-YA-YA-YO-LO-LO-LO
YO-LO-LO-LO HAH!
[ CHANTING ]
EE-PACHO! EE-HOME!
BE CLE-E-E-E-AN!
AND NOW THIS PLACE IS CLEAN. [ CREAKING, RUMBLING ] [ CRASHING ]
WAAH!
>> OH!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!
>> GO TO THE DOORWAY!
>> THAT IS A MYTH!
GET NEXT TO A LARGE PIECE OF
FURNITURE!
>> WHAAH! AAH!
>> VANESSA!
>> WHAAAH!
>> OH, HELL NO!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ SCREAMING FADES ]
>> HMM. >> [ SCOFFS ] WELL, THAT IS INCREDIBLY ODD.
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> WHOA! THE EARTHQUAKE IS ONLY INSIDE THE HOUSE!
>> EVERYBODY OUT!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> GOD DAMN IT!
WHAT...?
[ ALL SIGH ]
>> HI! YOU GUYS BOUGHT THE HOUSE OF BLOOD, HUH?
>> YEAH.
MIND IF I ASK WHAT YOU GOT IT
FOR?
>> $320,000.
>> OGGGGGH.
>> HEY. >> HI. >> HI. HI.
>> WHAT'S HAPPEN--
HI.
>> HI.
>> UM...THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE.
BUT IT'S ONLY INSIDE.
IT'S NOT OUTSIDE.
>> I SAY WE JUST GO AND WAIT IT
OUT.
>> YEAH, I'M PROBABLY JUST GONNA
GO, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU
GUYS.
>> YEAH, OKAY.
>> COULD YOU SIGN THIS SAYING
YOU'RE SATISFIED WITH MY...
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> ...INSTALLATION OF CABLE
INTERNET.
>> OKAY.
>> JUST INITIAL THAT.
>> OKAY.
GREAT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
GREAT.
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY TO
DRIVE?
>> WELL, I'M VERY, VERY HIGH,
SO...
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> OKAY.
>> [ BREATHING SHAKILY ]
[ VAN DOOR CLOSES ] [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ BRAKES SQUEAK ]
[ BACKUP SIGNAL BEEPING ]
>> WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
>> WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE TONIGHT. THIS IS LIKE IN THE MOVIES WHEN
INSANE SHIT HAPPENS AND THEY
STILL DON'T LEAVE.
>> NO.
DO NOT BE RASH.
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
THIS IS OUR HOME.
>> SOMETHING OBVIOUSLY THINKS
THAT IT'S ITS HOME, AND IT'S
TRYING TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF
US!
>> YOU'RE SCREAMING AT ME, AND I
LIKE IT HERE!
>> WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT HERE!
>> I LIKE IT!
>> NOW, NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
NOW, LISTEN, YOU LOVEBIRDS,
DON'T FIGHT RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
WE'LL TALK THIS ALL OVER
OVER ONE OF F'RESNEL'S FAMOUS
PIZZA SALADS!
HA-HA!
>> MM! >> HUH? >> WOW!
>> WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHEN YOU SAID "PIZZA
SALAD"...
I WAS KIND OF SKEPTICAL,
F'RESNEL.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YEAH.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST
GONNA THROW SOME PIZZA SLICES IN
A BOWL OF SALAD.
>> OH, THAT'S VERY MUCH WHAT I
DID DO.
>> OH?
>> PRECISELY.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT
"PIZZA SALAD."
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
GET THIS -- TAKE A DOMINO'S
PIZZA, YOU TOSS IT IN A BOWL
WITH SOME SALAD...
>> MM-HMM?
>> ...ALSO FROM DOMINO'S.
>> OH!
>> MM-HMM.
>> WELL, I THINK THIS IS A
PERFECT TIME TO BRING UP SOME OF
THE WEIRD STUFF THAT'S BEEN
GOING ON IN THE HOUSE.
>> MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
>> UH, NAMELY MARJORIE'S...
[ CHUCKLES ]
"SMUDGE CEREMONY."
I THINK IT MAY HAVE AWOKEN
SOMETHING...REALLY BIG.
>> THANK YOU.
>> NOT A CO--
>> OR...
SOMEONE COULD HAVE HIT OUR GAS
LINE WHILE DIGGING IN THE
BACKYARD.
THAT COULD ALSO EXPLAIN IT.
>> ACTUALLY...
I DON'T THINK THAT EXPLAINS IT,
VANESSA.
>> THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
THIS HOUSE.
>> OKAY.
>> OLD HOUSES SETTLE.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
THAT WAS...WAY BEYOND SETTLING!
WAY BEYOND SETTLING!
I KNOW CARPENTRY!
THAT WAS NOT SETTLING, BOB VILA!
OKAY?
THAT WAS A THREE-MINUTE-LONG,
MASSIVE SHOCK WAVE THAT WOULD
REGISTER AT 6 OR 7 ON A RICHTER
SCALE.
YOU ARE PACKING YOUR KIMONO, AND
WE ARE GOING TO A MOTEL TONIGHT.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> ARE YOU JACK WATSON? >> YEAH. YEAH, I MEAN, WE MET HERE TWO
DAYS AGO -- RIGHT HERE.
>> OH.
DID WE, MOZART?
DID WE MEET TWO DAYS AGO?
>> DON'T BE A DICK...
RENZO PIANO, THE FAMOUS
ARCHITECT.
>> YOUR FAT WIFE AROUND?
>> MY WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH
TWINS.
>> OH, YEAH -- RIGHT.
>> HEARD THAT BEFORE.
>> WHERE'S SHE AT?
>> SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN,
EATING PIZZA SALAD WITH MY
SISTER-IN-LAW AND MY BLACK
FRIEND AND NEIGHBOR, F'RESNEL.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT
SPECIFIC WITH US, SIR.
>> MIND IF WE ASK HER A COUPLE
QUESTIONS?
>> CAN I SAY NO?
>> [ SCOFFS ] YEAH.
BUT THEN WE COME BACK WITH A
WARRANT, AND YOU BETTER BE
LAWYERED UP, GREGORY HINES.
>> THE DANCER GUY?
>> I DON'T KNO-- I DON'T KNOW
WHY I SAID THAT.
>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU
SAID THAT, EITHER.
>> FOLKS, WE NEED YOU TO LOOK AT
SOME PHOTOGRAPHS, BUT I WILL
WARN YOU, THEY ARE [SMACKS LIPS]
A LITTLE BIT GRAPHIC.
[ ALL GASP ]
>> OH!
>> OH, GOD.
>> MNH!
>> AAH!
>> OH, HEAVENS.
I-I APOLOGIZE.
I --
>> YEAH, THEY'RE GRAPHIC.
>> JACK?
>> HM?
>> HONEY...
>> OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT GONNA PUKE.
I MEAN, I'M NOT A PUKER.
>> [ VOMITING ] >> OH, GOD. F'RESNEL. >> MARGE.
>> IT'S OKAY.
>> OH!
>> VERY NATURAL.
>> OH, GOD.
>> THEY'RE VERY GRUESOME -- VERY
GRUESOME PICTURES.
IT'S OKAY.
>> OH!
>> OH, GOD!
>> OKAY.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> OKAY.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
PERHAPS WE COULD CONTINUE THIS
CONVERSATION IN THE LIVING ROOM,
WHICH, UM, HAS LESS VOMIT IN IT.
>> YEAH.
>> [ SUCKING THROUGH TEETH ] [ SNIFFS ]
THIS IS DR. MICHAEL MARSHALL. OR AT LEAST... IT WAS.
>> 'CAUSE HE'S DEAD!
>> [ Voice breaking ] OH, MY
GOD.
>> NOW, HIS RECORDS INDICATE
THAT YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON TO
SEE HIM, MS. WATSON.
>> HE WROTE DOWN WHEN HE DIED?
THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
>> [ TALKS MOCKINGLY ]
FUCK...YOU.
HERS WAS THE LAST APPOINTMENT
ON HIS BOOKS.
>> NOW, WE'RE NOT SAYING THAT
YOU DID ANYTHING, OBVIOUSLY.
WE JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU SAW
ANYTHING, HEARD ANYTHING
UNUSUAL.
THAT'S ALL.
>> NO, I...
GOD.
>> OKAY.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS KIND OF
THING CAN HAPPEN IN THIS DAY AND
AGE.
I JUST -- [ SNIFFLES ]
MAYBE WE --
>> HEY. [ SNAPS FINGERS ]
WHAT'S WITH THE BLOOD ON YOUR
SHIRT?
>> OHH.
>> UH, YEAH, GOSH.
I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF
THIS.
THIS IS, UM, I SCRATCHED MYSELF
EARLIER.
>> YEAH.
>> AND, UM...MM.
MM-HMM.
>> WHAT'D YOU SCRATCH YOURSELF
ON?
A GRIZZLY BEAR?
>> THE QUESTION...REMAINS.
DID YOU...SEE ANYTHING... unusual? >> I TOLD YOU -- NO.
>> NEITHER OF YOU SAW ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY? >> NO.
>> THAT'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY.
>> THANK YOU, GUYS.
>> WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
YOUR TIME.
>> YEAH.
>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS FROM US.
>> WE APPRECIATE THAT AND, UH,
ALL YOUR PATIENCE.
WE WILL BE IN TOUCH.
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
>> WELL...[ SIGHS ] THEY'RE HIDING SOMETHING. >> WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO
THEM, WE DID A FULL SWEEP OF THE
HOUSE.
>> WE SEARCHED THE PLACE, AND
WE FEEL THERE IS SOMETHING VERY
UNHOLY ABOUT THIS HOUSE.
>> SI.
>> WELL, I CAN TELL YOU THIS --
THAT FAT GIRL, SHE DOESN'T KNOW
A THING.
>> THE WOMAN -- DOES SHE LOOK
ANYTHING...
[ SNAPS FINGERS ] LIKE THIS?
>> [ Chuckling ] WHOA!
YEAH!
GREAT SKATES!
>> SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE THAT.
>> WE TAKE THESE PICTURES IN THE
HOUSE THREE MINUTES AGO.
>> WHAT THE SHIT?!
>> WAIT -- YOU TOOK THESE IN THE
HOUSE THREE MINUTES AGO?
HOW'D YOU PRINT THEM OUT SO
QUICK?
>> [ SNAPS FINGERS ]
>> HOLY COW!
THAT'S A SMALL PRINTER.
>> TINY PRINTER, RIGHT?
>> IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SIZE --
IT'S ABOUT THE QUALITY.
THAT'S WHAT I'M IMPRESSED WITH.
>> PRINTER TECHNOLOGY MOVE
FORWARD THESE DAYS LEAPS AND
BOUNDS.
>> THAT'S ADORABLE.
>> THIS IS THE SAME TINY PRINTER
THAT IS ENDORSED BY
ASHTON "COOK-A-NER."
>> ASHTON "KUSHNER," HE SAY...
>> HE USE THE SAME ONE.
>> ..."ONLY ONE PRINTER I USE."
>> [ SNAPS FINGERS ] THAT ONE!
>> WELL, HE'S COOL, AND IF HE'S
USING IT, THEN BY DE FACTO, I'M
KIND OF COOL, RIGHT?
>> I LIKE ALL OF THE MOVIES
WHERE ASHTON "KUSHNER" GET
MARRIED BY ACCIDENT, YOU KNOW?
>> HE ACCIDENTALLY GOT MARRIED!
>> HE, LIKE, WAKE UP, AND
"UH-OH!"
>> YEAH, AND THE JUDGE GOES, "I
SENTENCE YOU TO MARRIAGE."
>> "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
YOU CANNOT DO THIS!"
>> 'CAUSE MARRIAGE IS A
SENTENCE.
MARRIAGE IS A SENTENCE.
>> WHAT WERE WE SAYING?
>> WITH THE HELLHOUND, WITH THE
CRUCIFIXION IN THE DOCTOR'S
OFFICE, WE FEEL IT IS VERY
POSSIBLE WE HAVE DEMONIC
POSSESSION.
>> I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY SUPER-SWEET,
AND, UH, THE WOMAN -- I MEAN,
SHE'S LIKE MEGO-PREGO, SO I
DON'T KNOW.
>> SHE'S PREGO?
>> JEEPERS.
>> HOW FAR ALONG IS SHE?
>> WELL, GUYS, WE'RE NOT
DOCTORS, BUT SHE'S PRETTY FAR
ALONG.
SHE'S READY TO DROP.
>> LOOK, WE'D LOVE TO HELP YOU
OUT, BUT, I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
YOU THISOMEONE'S POSSESSED,
WE HAVE PICTURES OF A GHOST DOG
AND A GRUESOME CRUCIFIXION
MURDER, I MEAN, NONE OF THESE
THINGS REALLY CONNECT.
I MEAN, IF THEY DID IT, THEY'LL
SLIP UP, AND WHEN THEY DO, WE'LL
BE HERE.
>> WE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER
CONTROL.
[ BIRD SCREECHES ]
>> OH, GEEZ!
>> WHAT THE HELL?
>> OH! OH, IT'S JUST A CROW. IT'S JUST A CROW, JUST A DEAD
CROW.
IT'S JUST A DEAD CROW.
>> NO.
IT'S A HARPY.
SEE FOR YOURSELF, HUH?
>> YOU GUYS GET A LOT OF THESE? >> YOU'D BE SURPRISED. >> KINDA. YEAH.
>> WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
>> THE HARPY...
>> YEAH.
>> ...IS A HARBINGER OF EVIL.
>> IT IS...A MESSAGE FROM HELL.
TRUST ME -- THINGS ARE ABOUT TO
GET VERY, VERY BAD.
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
>> GEE WHIZ. I-I AM SO SORRY. THERE WAS A BUMBLEBEE IN THE
CAR, AND I JUST LOST CONTROL.
OH, FUCK.
OH, FUCK!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
>> WELL... WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW? >> NOW WE WAIT.
NOW...
WE WAIT.
[ WHIRRING ] [ DIAL-UP MODEM BEEPING ] [ CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN ]
[ THUNDER CRASHES ] [ GROWLING IN DISTANCE ]
[ HISSING ]
>> WHA! AAH! AAH! OH, MY GOD!
AAAH! AAAH!
[ BOTH SCREAM ]
>> [ LAUGHS DEMONICALLY ] [ ALL SCREAMING ] [ HOWLS DEMONICALLY ]
>> OHHH! [ ALL PANTING ] >> OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS, WE NEED A DOCTOR.
>> NO.
WE NEED A PRIEST.
[ ENGINE REVS, SIREN WAILS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ THUNDER CLAPS ]
>> GUYS. >> PRIESTS. >> GUYS!
>> YAAH!
>> HAVE NO FEAR, SIR. >> WHO ARE YOU GUYS? >> WE ARE TEAM 4.
[ INDISTINCT VOICES WHISPERING ] [ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ GROWLING DEMONICALLY ]
[ Demonically ] WHY?
WHY DID YOU LET THEM IMPALE ME
WITH THAT UMBRELLA?
>> DO NO LISTEN TO HIM!
HE IS THE FATHER OF LIES!
>> AAH!
>> YOU GUYS GOT THIS?
EVERYBODY COOL?
>> [ GROWLING DEMONICALLY ]
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
[ BOTH SPEAKING LATIN ]
>> [ Normal voice ] OH, GOD!
HERE THEY COME!
>> OH, SHIT!
>> BABY, HELP ME!
THE BABIES ARE COMING!
PLEASE HELP!
>> BREATHE, VANESSA! BREATHE!
>> IT HURTS SO BAD!
>> REMEMBER WHAT THEY TAUGHT US
IN --
>> [ Demonically ] SHUT UP!
>> I CAN SEE IT! OH, MY GOD!
>> [ Normal voice ] OH, MY GOD!
>> PUSH!
>> AAAAAAH!
[ BABY CRYING ]
>> OHHHHH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
>> WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S A BOY. IT'S A PERFECT BABY BOY. >> CONGRATULATIONS.
>> IT'S A BOY.
>> IT'S A MIRACLE, YOU KNOW?
YOU EVER SEEN A HOME BIRTH
BEFORE?
THEY'RE THE BEST.
>> YEAH, I B-- PBHT.
>> HONEY! HONEY!
>> OKAY, JUST ONE MORE TO GO!
>> SOMETHING'S WRONG, YOU GUYS!
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
WHEW! WHEW!
IT HURTS SO BAD! THIS ONE --
SOMETHING'S WRONG!
IT'S A --
OW! OW! OW!
[ BARKING DEMONICALLY ]
IT'S BITING ME!
AAAAAH!
[ GROWLS DEMONICALLY ]
>> FOCUS! FOCUS!
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> HERE IT COMES! OKAY!
>> PUSH!
>> SOMETHING'S WRONG!
>> PUSH!
>> AAAAAH!
[ HOWLING DEMONICALLY ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> WHOA! YEAH!
>> AAAAH!
>> HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
>> OH, FUCK!
>> [ SNARLING ]
>> AAAAAAH!
>> [ CHOMPS ]
>> [ SCREAMING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
>> GET IT OFF, JACK!
>> [ GROWLING ]
[ SCREAMING ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
>> [ CRIES ]
[ PANTING ]
>> YOU MUST KILL IT, JACK!
YOU MUST!
>> IT'S MY SON!
>> IT IS NOT YOUR SON!
IT WANTS TO RISE AND RULE THE
WORLD FOR 1,000 YEARS!
>> All: JACK!
>> [ SCREAMING ]
>> AAAAH!
>> OH! OH! WHOA!
>> OH, SHIT!
>> [ SCAMPERING ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ] [ SCAMPERING ]
[ SNARLING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ SCREAMING STOPS ] [ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> HEY, GUYS. >> All: Shh! >> ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL.
I'M GOING IN.
HELLO, DEVIL BABY. AIN'T NOBODY OUT HERE TRYING TO HURT YOU.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY,
LITTLE DEVIL BABY.
AAAAAAAH! [ SHRIEKS ] FUCK!
I STUBBED MY GODDAMN TOE!
OH! THAT SMARTS!
>> I DID THE SAME THING IN THERE
YESTERDAY.
>> HEY, EVERYBODY.
>> WHAT?
>> I'M COMING OUT WITH THE BABY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
[ Chuckling ] OKAY.
IT GON' BE ALL RIGHT.
♪ HUSH, LITTLE DEVIL BABY,
DON'T SAY A WORD ♪
♪ PAPA'S GONNA --
>> [ HISSES ]
>> AAH!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
OHHH, FUCK THIS!
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
>> WHEW-HOO-HOO!
>> WHOA! AAAH!
GAAH!
>> AAH! AAH!
>> YOU GUYS, BE CAREFUL!
>> OH! OH, SORRY.
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
>> [ GURGLING ] >> OH! AAH!
I GOT A SHOT! I GOT A SHOT! >> NO, YOU'LL SHOOT ONE OF US! >> HE'S A GREAT SHOT!
I TRUST HIM!
TAKE IT!
>> BE CAREFUL!
>> BEING CAREFUL DON'T KILL
DEVIL BABIES.
>> [ SHRIEKS ] >> NO!! >> SHIT!
>> [ SCAMPERING ]
>> NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! PLEASE!
STOP!
AAH!
HONEY!
YOU...ARE...NOT...MY...BABY!
>> THAT'S THE SPIRIT, VANESSA!
PUNCH THIS DEVIL BABY!
PUNCH HIM BACK TO HELL!
>> I HATE YOU!
YOU'RE NOT MY BABY!
>> [ CRYING ]
>> DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS
CROCODILE TEARS.
>> MAMA.
>> YOU WANT MOMMY TO HOLD YOU?
COME HERE.
HE'S OKAY, YOU GUYS.
IT'S OKAY. HE'S --
[ CHOKING ]
>> GAH! NO! OH, NO! >> VANESSA!
LET GO OF MY SISTER!
>> AAH!
>> DON'T KILL MY BABY.
>> KILL IT!
>> LET'S DROWN IT!
DO YOU HAVE A WOOD CHIPPER?!
>> NOT TO TELL Y'ALL HOW TO
PARENT OR ANYTHING, BUT SHOULD
WE LET YOUR GOOD BABY WATCH ALL
OF US MURDERING THE DEVIL BABY?
IT MIGHT HAVE A LASTING
IMPRESSION PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT,
RIGHT.
YEAH, GOOD POINT.
GET THE BABY OUT OF HERE.
GO, GO, GO!
>> MARJORIE.
>> WHAT?
>> I HAVE TO TELL -- I AIN'T
KNOWN YOU THAT LONG, BUT I'M
100% IN LOVE WITH YOU, GIRL, AND
I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY
LIFE WITH YOU.
>> ME TOO!
>> OH!
>> SO DO ME A FAVOR, AND STAY ALIVE. >> I WILL.
THE SPIRIT GODS WILL PROTECT ME!
>> [ GROWLS SOFTLY ]
>> AAH!
>> OH, SHIT!
>> AAAAAAAAAAAH!
>> MARJORIE! NO!
[ THUD ] >> OH! OH! >> [ SCAMPERING ]
>> AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
>> WHAT CAN I DO?
WHAT CAN I DO?!
USE THE JESUS KNIFE!
KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
>> DEVIL CHILD, I SEND YOU BACK
TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, FROM
WHENCE YOU CAME!
AAH!
FUCK ME!
AAH-HA! FUCK!
>> LET ME HOLD HIM DOWN!
>> AAAH!
[ SHOUTING IN ITALIAN ]
>> AAH!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
[ CHOKING ]
>> UGH!
>> [ SCREAMING ]
>> AAH! OHHH, NO! MY FRIEND! >> OH! OH, NO!
AAH! OH!
MY FRIEND!
>> I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.
DO IT, MY FRIEND. [ SOBBING ] [ CHOKING ]
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> I MEANT...
NOT GOING TO MAKE IT, SO CALL AN
AMBULANCE, P-PLEASE.
>> [ SPEAKING ITALIAN ]
WHY YOU DO THE PAUSE RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE FIRST PART OF
THE IMPORTANT PART?!
>> [ SNARLING ]
>> NO...
DEVIL...
BABIES...
IN...
MY...
PARISH!
NO...DEVIL...BABY --
[ GUNSHOT ]
>> [ SCREAMS ]
>> [ SNARLING ]
>> OH, GOD!
>> [ GROWLING ]
>> I HAVE AN IDEA!
>> WHAT?
>> CATCH!
>> WHAT?! NO!
JACK! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
>> YOU MUST FIGHT!
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN
STOP IT!
>> OH!
>> GET OFF MY WIFE, YOU ASSHOLE. >> NOW!
>> [ ROARING ]
[ GROANING ]
>> [ SIGHS ] [ SPITS ] [ PANTING ]
[ THUNDER RUMBLES ] [ SIGHS ] [ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
THANK YOU, F'RESNEL. >> MY PLEASURE. >> [ SIGHS ]
THANK YOU, FATHER.
>> JUST DOING OUR JOB.
>> BUT THE --
THE OTHER PRIEST...
WE'RE -- WE'RE SO SORRY.
>> HE'S OKAY.
HE ALWAYS KNOW ONE DAY THE LORD
WOULD CALL HIS NAME.
>> BUT HE WAS YOUR FRIEND, AND
I'M REALLY SORRY.
HUGE BUMMER.
>> KNOWING HIM, HE WOULD RATHER
DIE THIS WAY, FIGHTING THE
DEVIL, THAN ON A GOLF COURSE OR
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
>> NOW, THAT'S THE SPIRIT. YEAH.
>> I LIKE THAT.
[ BICYCLE BELL RINGS ]
>> WOW!
>> [ CACKLING ]
>> LOOK WHO FOUND A BIKE!
ALL RIGHT, MRS. NUSSBAUM!
THAT'S TERRIFIC. JUST TERRIFIC.
>> WOW!
WHAT A CRAZY WEEK, HUH?
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> OH, YEAH.
>> I WAS POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!
>> I KNOW!
YOU WERE SUCH A BITCH!
>> ALWAYS FREAK YOU OUT A LITTLE
BIT, YOU KNOW?
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT STARTED
WITH WHITE PEOPLE MOVING INTO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MEAN, IT STARTED THERE.
>> THAT'S CRAZY ENOUGH.
>> I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA
GET --
>> ONLY UP FROM THERE.
>> WE WERE ALREADY AT A 7.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT'S CRAZY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I LOVE THE WAY BLACK PEOPLE
SPEAK.
>> YEAH.
>> SO, I GUESS EVERYTHING'S
WRAPPED UP, HUH?
>> LOOK LIKE IT ALL KINDA
SEWN UP LIKE A LITTLE PRESENT.
>> OH, NO. NOT REALLY.
WHAT ABOUT THAT DIRTY MAGAZINE
WITH YOUR PICTURE IN IT FROM THE
'70s?
>> OH, HELL YEAH.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ALL THAT?
>> HONEY...
MY MOTHER DID PORNO IN THE '70s.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
>> I KNEW THAT.
>> JUST FOR A YEAR AND A HALF.
SHE PAID HER WAY THROUGH
COLLEGE.
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> OH! LOOK AT THIS GUY!
>> LOOK AT THIS!
>> LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY.
>> HELL NO!
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PHANTOM.
>> I THOUGHT SO, TOO!
I CAN'T -- THAT'S JUST A BIG
DOG THAT JUST WANT A WHOLE LOT
OF LOVE.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.
>> THAT DOG'S LICKING YOUR
SISTER'S BLOOD.
>> OH-HO-HO!
>> THAT'S CREEPY.
>> OH, NO, NO, THAT'S A BAD --
THAT'S NOT A GOOD -- NO, NO, NO.
>> GET OUT OF HERE. BYE-BYE.
>> HEY, BABY.
>> SO...
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
>> NOW WE LIVE, JACK.
NOW WE GO ON ABOUT THAT CRAZY
LITTLE THING CALLED LIVIN'.
LET'S NOT WASTE ANOTHER MOMENT.
>> NOT ANOTHER MOMENT WASTED.
>> THERE WE GO.
>> LET'S NOT ANOTHER MOMENT.
OUR LIVES BEGIN TODAY.
FATHER.
>> SI.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> SEBASTIAN.
>> THEN THAT'S WHAT WE'LL CALL
OUR SON.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> SEBASTIAN.
>> [ SIGHS ]
THAT IS REALLY LOVELY.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
>> SEBASTIAN F'RESNEL.
WATSON. >> IT'S BEAUTIFUL. >> WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS BABY IF
IT WEREN'T FOR BOTH OF YOU.
>> NO, THAT'S TRUE.
THAT PART'S TRUE.
WE'LL PUT "SEBASTIAN F'RESNEL"
AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST BECAUSE
WE'VE GOT A LONG ONE.
>> NO, BABY.
THERE'S NO OTHER LIST.
THAT'S IT!
>> WELL, THERE IS A LIST.
WE'VE GOT A BOOK THAT WE'VE --
WE'VE...
>> IT'S OKAY.
>> [ Voice breaking ] IT'S JUST
THAT IT'S THE NICEST THING...
THAT ANY WHITE PERSON...
HAS EVER DONE FOR ME.
'CAUSE WALKIN' THE STREETS,
SOMETIMES, YOU DON'T EVEN GET AS
MUCH AS A "HELLO."
>> F'RESNEL...
>> AND Y'ALL JUST --
>> ...HELLO.
>> JACK, LOOK ME IN THE EYE. >> COOL. WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME. UH...WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
>> OH, GOD.
THAT IS REALLY SOMETHING ELSE.
>> REMEMBER, AT TIMES LIKE
THESE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE GLASS
AS HALF FULL.
YOU HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE LITTLE
BABY WHO YOU KILL UPSTAIRS.
IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I GOT TO GO
BURY MY FRIEND, HUH?
AND THEN I GOT TO GO RETURN THE
RENTAL CAR.
>> OH, YEAH.
DON'T BE LATE DOING THAT, NOW.
>> GOOD LUCK.
>> PEACE BE WITH YOU.
>> THANK YOU, FATHER.
>> HEY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
IT'S A BRAND-NEW DAY.
THE SUN IS SHINING IN
NEW ORLEANS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND EVERYTHING IS JUST LOOKING
ON UP FROM HERE!
I GOT TO TELL YOU, MAN -- FOR A
MINUTE THERE, I DIDN'T THINK I
WAS GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH ALL
THAT DEVILISHNESS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHOA!
WELL, LOOKY HERE!
[ LAUGHS ]
DOG PUUP!
THAT DOG PUUP!
>> DOG PUUP.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
HOT DAMN! ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?!
I MEAN, I ALMOST STEPPED IN IT.
MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY.
WHAAAH!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> Both: FUCK!
>> OH, GO-- OH!
DID I JUST HIT YOUR FRIEND?
[ CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN ]
[ "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN" PLAYS ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]