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This is me before the accident.
And here's me after I was barbecued in jet fuel.
The old me was content, virtuous,
believed in everything.
Marshmallow.
What an idiot.
And now, we have a very special young lady
with a message of healing.
Lamb Mannerheim has been a member of our church family
since she was knee high to a bug.
She's been a valued youth evangelist,
the Valedictorian of her home school collective,
and a performer right here in our music ministry.
As all of you know,
our Lamb survived a tragic accident
one year ago.
As a community, we shared in her pain and loss.
But now she is miraculously back on her feet,
and here with us to share her message
of faith and courage.
Brothers and sisters, Lamb Mannerheim.
Hi.
Thanks, Pastor Rick. Pastor Rick.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning. - She looks so nice.
Look, I know you're all pretending that you're here
for my testimony about how, through the grace of God,
I recovered from my near-fatal accident.
But let's be honest.
You're really just hoping to hear the gory details about the crash.
Like, for instance,
how I could smell myself burning,
but I couldn't actually feel anything.
Isn't that weird?
I landed in the parking lot of a Kroger... on fire,
and all I could think about was my shoes,
that they looked strange.
And then I realized, oh, they're melting,
and so am I.
Well, the accident was bad,
but the surgeries...
the surgeries, those were worse.
Did you know that they can take skin from your rear end...
...and put it on your back?
But then, where does that leave your rear end?
Looks like thong underwear is out of the question for me now, right?
But enough about that.
What I'm really here to say today is that the horrible,
unspeakable torment that I had to endure
didn't strengthen my faith in the slightest.
No benevolent being would do that to one of his children.
Doug.
So I feel compelled to share my true testimony with you.
There is no God.
There's me before the crash again.
Perfect skin, perfect pitch.
Perfect bitch.
My parents watch this all the time
to remember when I was the golden child.
Makes me actually vomit.
She is just sharing her gift.
I should mention that young ladies in my community
aren't allowed to wear pants, go to college,
show their legs, cut their hair,
read popular fiction, or listen to the radio.
This performance is considered edgy.
But today, I was supposed to get back on the proverbial bike,
walk into that church,
and show everyone how, through my steadfast faith, I was healed.
Everyone was looking forward to my testimony.
They were also pretty psyched about my settlement money.
Now...
I just picked this up in town.
It's all natural minerals from the earth.
It's makeup.
It's to enhance your countenance.
There.
Dr. Cha says I'm not supposed to put anything on there.
Lamb, it's 100% natural.
The lady at the mall says she puts it on her 4-year-old.
Why?
Do you feel ready to give your inspirational talk?
If you get stage fright,
just imagine Pastor Rick in his pajamas.
No, thanks.
Let me just hear the beginning.
Do we really have to do this right now?
No.
Just remember, our whole community is relying on you today.
There is no God.
Don't touch me. My skin grafts are really fragile.
I could bleed all over your nice, new carpeting,
and then you'd have to take up yet another collection.
Another collection.
You guys already tithed most of your money
to this place anyway, so what's the difference?
Get her down, Melanie.
- Lamb, stop. - I'm almost done, Mama.
- I don't believe in God. - Lamb.
But here's what I do believe. I believe in science.
I believe in the doctors and the nurses
who saved my life in the hospital.
I believe in prescription opiates,
which work whether you put faith in them or not,
- Lies! - And I'm willing to believe that...
...the universe was created in an explosion,
and that fish creatures crawled out of the mud...
...and evolved into human beings. - Devil's lies.
And finally, in our next presidential election,
I may vote Democrat.
- Blasphemy! - Democrat?!
Before I'm forcibly removed from here,
I want to let you all know that I am leaving Blakesley.
I'm out of here.
I'm going to Las Vegas, Nevada, tomorrow,
where I plan to gamble and dance.
- Heretic! - And drink alcohol,
and frolic with homosexuals and--
I'm very sorry. My daughter is still recovering.
- What? Mother, I'm beautiful. - Please pray for her.
Or don't. The last time you prayed for me...
...I wound up looking like this. - Let's get you out of here.
My arms look like turkey bacon. God who?
After church, my parents cried and prayed,
and cry-prayed-
But it was too late.
I had booked an economy class fare
to Satan's playground.
I've got a heart full of rage,
and an L.L. Bean tote bag full of cash.
Hello, Las Vegas.
Let the sin begin.
Wait, I've got dishes in there. Oh!
I think that guy broke my dishes.
Why you bring dishes to Las Vegas?
We have plates, cups, gravy boats.
Hey, sir, sir.
Do you have a shoulder belt?
What, you want baby seat, too? Goo-goo, ga-ga. Fisher-Price.
My dad told me I should run and hide
if I ever encounter a Muslim.
Unfortunately, I'm in a moving vehicle.
Ah, I hate this Trop light.
Trop light?
Tropicana. Longest light in town.
Looks like Disney World.
You been there? Disneyland?
I wasn't allowed,
because the Disney corporation supports a homosexual agenda.
They even have a special day at the park just for homosexuals.
Homosexuals, yeah.
Last night, in this cab, I have two gay guys. They get married.
I have no problem with it.
As long as they keep their penis in the pants.
I tell them, if I see the gay,
if I see any Doogie Howser bullshit, you're out.
- Thanks. - Thank you, Mickey Mouse.
You sure? Okay. Red Lobster, baby.
Enjoy your Premium Vista Suite, Miss Mannerheim.
Thanks.
I'm lovin' the hair and the whole thing.
You goin' to that '80s night?
I've seen some people really commit, but that is like...
tubular.
Totally.
This requires emergency action.
My mom calls glitter Lucifer dust.
I'll take it in an extra-small.
I only had, like, half,
but I'm rollin' so hard right now.
Dude, I'm flyin'.
Hey, we should call that chick from Marquee,
get some more for tonight.
Phenomenal.
Hi.
Where you from, cutie?
Uh, does the curtains match the drape?
Don't even make sense.
I look legit fat.
No, you don't. You look gorgeous.
Zoe, those shoes are phenomenal.
I think I should barf again.
Phenomenal.
Ah, shoot.
I know you can't catch AIDS from a plate,
but just in case, I brought my own Fiestaware.
"Chalet is Las Vegas' hottest new night club,"
says Las Vegas New Club Review.
If you're looking for the ultimate in decadence,
hedonism, and wrongness,
come to Chalet Las Vegas and be bad.
Chalet.
In my house, we make our own soap.
This stuff smells like a whore.
I like it.
Showering is the most painful pan' of my day.
It's like being on fire all over again.
Plus, I hate looking at my body.
Everything I was saving for my future husband is ruined.
Las Vegas has everything.
Statue of Liberty, an Eiffel Tower,
even a cafe with a rain forest in it.
I bet you could spend years here,
and never, ever get tired of it.
Beautiful, sexy girls, hot girls,
delivered to your room, 20 minutes. Beautiful girls, hot girls.
It's like a baseball card, but instead of gum,
you get sex.
If I hadn't renounced God, I'd pray for Amber.
Straight to your door.
Beautiful girls, sexy girls, hot girls.
All right, almost naked.
Look at her.
Everybody smile.
Hi-Io, and welcome to the Hi-Lo Room.
Would you like the first of your two mandatory cocktails?
Stop singing!
I will have...
Seriously. Stop.
A peach schnapp.
- You're gonna have a... - A peach schnapp.
Good choice, madam. Very good choice.
Um, yes, would you like some ice with your peach schnapp?
No, it takes up too much room.
I want as much liquor as possible.
That's very smart. Really smart.
I've only ever known one British person.
Here's your peach schnapp.
She was a 50-year-old counselor at my youth camp
named Gaye.
This man is not Gaye.
"I dice Las Vegas."
Yeah, it doesn't really make sense.
Not unless you came to Vegas to chop up its residents
into little cubes with a knife.
Gotta be the worst thing I've ever seen.
Okay, thanks.
Yeah, right over here, baby. No, don't go off-stage.
Don't go? What's up?
Are you gonna sing?
Wha...? No, no, no.
I don't sing. I don't sing for nobody.
That whole bar-tainer thing, that lacks dignity.
I'm a little bit too cool for--
Can you refill my dick?
I don't mind doing this, though.
This is perfectly respectable.
Here's your plastic penis full of liquor.
- Thank you. - Enjoy your lifestyle.
Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage right now,
an immensely talented young lady...
You're in luck tonight, because my best friend Loray is about to perform.
She's amazing. Check this out.
You're in for a real treat.
...very own soulful diva,
Lo ray.
Oh, look at that dress.
- Oh, it's a black chick. - Come on, baby.
Give me something, sister.
Hello, Hi-Lo.
Go, Aretha.
- Do Aretha. - Come on, sister.
Girl's got a lot to give.
Oh, she's not supposed to sing this. She's been warned.
Turn the volume down on your dress, girl!
I thought she'd have soul.
Boo!
Get on outta here.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you, Loray. Loray, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Lamb Mannerheim.
Hi. I'm William Carr.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, Christ, are you...
are you all right?
Wow, I've never seen that happen before.
You're using your nose like a little funnel.
Are you all right, love?
That was my first drink ever.
Honestly?
I tell you what, you could've fooled me.
You're like Humphrey Bogart or something with that.
That was remarkable.
Let me get you something that's a bit more your speed.
Do you want something a bit stronger, like a gun?
Well, the good news is,
I'm off for the night.
The bad news is humanity.
Do you know what? Screw humanity.
'Cause I was watching you out there, Loray, and you were amazing.
Management keeps saying they want me to sing
Aretha Franklin. Can you believe that?
Yeah, I know. It's really weird, isn't it,
that they want you to sing an upbeat Aretha Franklin song
here in this place of merriment.
I think it's a conspiracy.
This is whitey trying to keep you down.
I loved your song. Did you write it?
No, it's Radiohead.
Is that spelled how it sounds?
Loray, this is Lamb, my new friend.
Uh-oh.
Excuse me?
Let me guess.
You came here to be a showgirl.
- No. - Oh, come on.
Sittin' here alone on suicide Tuesday.
Weave down to your ass.
- My hair? - Bleached blonde.
Real blonde, I'm half Finnish.
Well, look at that. I'm half finished, too.
Top me off.
Do you know what, Lamb?
Loray may seem a little abrasive and crude,
but underneath that exterior...
What are you doing? Why are you not listening to me?
Why are you not enchanted? Where are you going? Don't go in there!
Oh.
You look like an angry baby cobra.
Look, sorry for givin' you shit back there.
Sometimes the entertainment needs to be entertained.
- I'm not a showgirl. - No one cares what you are, honey.
I care very much.
I care about the message that I send out into the world.
Besides, I could never do that anyway.
People would stare. My skin.
Yeah? I got a skin condition, too.
It's called black.
People would stare.
I don't know what that's like.
Do you wanna know why I'm here?
I come from a small town where I wasn't allowed
to date or dance or even go to regular school.
I was in a plane crash that left half my body disfigured,
and I don't think I believe in God anymore.
I left home for the first time today,
because I've missed out on everything.
Now I just wanna...
experience worldly pleasures for the first time.
Wow.
Am I in the first five minutes of pornography?
That is quite the pitch there, Lamb.
I mean, I have heard some pretty crazy stories
from some broken weirdoes
here in the People's Republic of Bad Choices.
That story takes the whole hash brownie.
Oh.
Is it possible you're tellin' the truth?
I just wanna be...
like, a regular American.
- So where we going? - I don't know yet.
If I leave you by yourself, you're gonna wind up someplace scary,
like the trunk of a car or Circus Circus.
And I can't leave you here.
You're just a deep-fried Twinkie from where?
- Montana. - From Montana. Population four.
And you came here to get your rocks off.
Did you even have anything specific in mind?
A little drinking, games of chance,
your basic abominations.
What's going on with you ladies?
I'm goin' downtown, and I'm takin' her with me.
Right. Okay.
Why don't you leave her here?
Because I want to get drunk and kiss boys,
and I don't wanna find this one on a milk carton tomorrow.
You'd sell a lot of milk, though.
- Why don't you join us? - Oh...
- That's... ah. - Sorry.
I'm afraid William is working until 4:00,
so he won't be doing any joining this evening.
Actually, Carol has lost custody of her kids,
as usual, so she wants to work an extra shift,
so I could clock off at 11:00,
and I could come find you, so why don't you give me a call...
- I got your number. Have a nice night. - Make sure you call.
You look like you're not gonna call.
Wait, this is to pay for my schnapp.
Oh, that's really not necessary.
Thank you. What a sweet girl.
Make sure you call, right?
What's your last name?
Mannerheim.
- Jewish? - No!
- Sorry? - No, it's cool.
Did you really think I was a Jew?
Wow. A Jew.
Could you, uh, hold that thought?
I'll be right back.
Here ya' go.
Be lucky.
Hey, listen.
I was thinkin' maybe you could stick around here.
Let Carol have the night off.
Carol needs structure right now, okay?
And I like the weird ones, you know?
This kid's far from home. She's from Montana.
I'm from England. You're not looking after me.
Do you know what it's like, you know when you're a kid,
and you go to bed, and it snows overnight,
and you wake up the next day,
and everything looks pure and pristine
and perfect, and you just wanna get your boots on,
and get out there and mess it up?
I'm from Florida.
Hey, can we go to Chalet?
You know, Las Vegas' hottest night club?
Chalet? No way.
The place is a health hazard.
Do you wanna get syphilis?
We are not going to Chalet.
You wanna see Las Vegas?
- Gotta go to Las Vegas. - We're in Las Vegas.
No, we're not. We're in Paradise.
They call this the Vegas strip.
It's actually located in a census-designated area
called Paradise.
Paradise, Nevada.
Most tourists don't know that.
They think they're going to Vegas,
when, technically, they're in Paradise.
Maybe we should just stay in Paradise.
No. Paradise is processed cheese.
You want a rollercoaster, and a fake Eiffel Tower,
and a bunch of people from St. Louis
clappin' for a friggin' computerized fountain?
Yay! Robot fountain.
No, you want the real Las Vegas.
Where the locals go.
If you hate it so much,
why don't you just leave?
There's not a lot of call for singing tap jockeys
in other parts of the country.
Where's your family?
You just met him.
Oh, the Trop light.
It's the worst, huh?
Oy vey.
Glitter gulch.
Here's some realism for you.
This is where you go to have fun?
Sure, when I'm not in school...
...or degrading myself at the Hi-Lo. - You go to school?
Yeah. I'm finishing up my bachelor's at UNLV,
if I can come up with seven grand.
Is that so shocking?
You don't have any black friends, do you?
Everyone says they have the one black friend.
You don't even know him, huh?
So what's your major?
Film.
How cool.
We didn't have anything like that at my college.
Really?
No student filmmakers? Nobody made shorts?
We weren't even allowed to wear shorts.
Almost there. We just have to cut through the experience.
What's the experience?
This baby boomer, magic mushroom shit show.
Walk, Walk, walk!
Okay, Sherri Shepherd.
You wanna do that, huh?
Yeah. I really wanna do that.
I would need about ten drinks.
Oh, man.
Get back to me in an hour.
Oh, sin.
Perfect. Is that where we're going?
Yeah, but it means service industry night.
Cheap libations for those of us in the hospitality sector.
Like bar-tainers?
Bar-tainers, waitrons, gondoliers, go-go boys,
human sushi platters.
Human sushi platters?
Yeah. My friend Christian's been doin' it for a year.
She has to wash herself with this special soap.
Before or after?
Before. I think after, she just cries.
All right, let's get this over with. Pull.
Sorry, pardner. Try again.
- Did I lose? - Uh, yeah, Lamb.
You lost. You gambled.
And now, you see why it's pointless. Let's perambulate.
Okay, what's bar?
Did I just pay a machine to tell me where I am?
- Charlie. - What are we thinkin'?
I'm thinkin' we're gonna need some shots.
Oh, my God.
What's up, Little House on the Prairie?
Look at this denim skirt.
Hey, uh, Charlie, you got any scissors back there?
I don't know.
My legs are gonna look weird.
Well, can't you take these stockings off?
No.
Well, there are girls here
that are lookin' stupid on purpose.
At least you can't help it.
What's that?
Uh, close.
We are going to do...
a reverse Ally Sheedy,
and whore you up a little.
- Not too much. - Oh, come on now.
You don't need much.
You're already this disgustingly perfect Barbie.
Barbie that got melted by a lighter.
Lamb is, like, from the backwoods of Montana.
- She was home schooled. - No!
- That's inspiring. - It is?
This is so cute on you. It'll cover up some of your battle damage.
I like it.
- It's a keffiyeh. - Pardon me?
A keffiyeh. Like an Arab scarf.
You mean like Muslim?
The public school system in this country is a joke.
The federal government, the food pyramid.
Lamb... has never been to a dance.
She doesn't have email,
and she's never even seen an R-rated movie.
Don't worry, it's not offensive to Muslims or anything.
These things are so popular, they're totally depoliticized.
Basically, you've never been exposed to any pop culture?
God, you're lucky.
Okay.
- Cute. - So cute.
Phenomenal.
Why does everyone keep using that word incorrectly?
It's inaccurate. The scarf is not a phenomenon.
On you, it is. You're fresh, bitch.
Oh, look who's on the dance floor,
and hell hasn't swallowed you up.
Are you sure?
Hey, I realize we do have something in common.
We do, huh?
Yeah. You don't have any black friends, either.
Drink your beer.
"Snowy Piste"?
It's ironically delicious.
Are you kidding me? Sweet William, he found us.
How did he even know we were here?
Jiminy Christmas.
Ladies. That's a very nice makeover.
Loray Bell, you promised me you were gonna look after this young lady,
and now, I find you drinking Snowy Piste.
I haven't had a sip.
It's, uh, kinda turned out that I'm a failure at drinking.
Well, it turns out that you are alone in that,
because this woman is a success at drinking.
We just bought ourselves a stool-side seat
for a vomit spectacular in a couple of hours.
Bravo.
I'm gonna go get some water.
See you in a minute.
Can I have some water?
Oi, what are you doing,
parading her around like Elephant Man?
Oh, like you came here with good intentions.
Yes, actually, all I am is good intentions and good hair.
William, look, this one is different, okay?
She's not like all of your other "pals."
This one's from, like, a religious commune, okay?
Where they keep women as slaves
and force them to have 50 kids,
and make tater-tot casseroles.
Oh, and she's been in a plane crash. No, seriously.
And her whole body's all messed up,
and now, she's, like, forsaken God.
Hey, Lamb.
Do you need some lubricating?
Would you like me to find you somewhere to sit down?
No, I feel great.
Often, when I feel great,
I lean forlornly against a wall.
There's no seats.
There's actually a bar upstairs.
It's usually closed on weeknights,
but I'm kind of connected, and you look like a social radical.
We could go and sit down up there if you want.
I don't know.
I'm good.
- Are you scared of me? - No.
You are a little bit. I understand.
Why, because you're wearing tight pants,
and you've got some tattoos? Big deal.
I know preachers who are as cool as you.
Those preachers are appropriating
a rock-and-roll look to sell religion,
when religion and rock and roll are separate things,
and that look was designed to sell...
something very different.
They're playing a part, same as you.
I don't know what you're trying to sell,
but I suspect you're as toothless as they are.
Toothless?
If I'm so toothless,
then how come you're afraid to come upstairs with me?
Afraid? You've gotta be kidding me.
I've spent my entire life being trained to follow
a man with long hair and a beard.
That would just be downright predictable.
Know what, Lamb?
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna, uh, let you suffer.
- What? - Yeah. No, seriously.
If you wanna show how brave you are,
while simultaneously sitting down in the toilets here,
some of the seats are smothered in hepatitis B.
So you can kill two birds with one stone.
Ta-ta.
All right, take me upstairs.
I just need a place to sit down.
- Oh, sure. - Thanks.
I get really sore and stiff at night.
It's just, I can't really move that well.
Well, neither can I.
And I haven't even got a beautiful, tragic excuse.
Plus, I've got $100 that says that
you can still dance a lot better than I can.
This is really nice.
Well, isn't that a quirky little affectation?
Actually, it's for the scar tissue in my hands.
"Rode hard"?
Yeah, um... I had that done ages ago.
I grew up around horses.
Me, too. I grew up in cattle country.
You ride Western or English?
Both.
What you looking for?
My medicine.
Oh, look. Isn't this awful?
You just dial a number,
and then a girl shows up at your hotel room.
It's like ordering Chinese.
Sometimes literally.
Can't you see how young she is?
This probably isn't even the actual girl,
if it makes you feel any better.
A lot of the time, these pictures are fake.
It's a completely different girl that shows up at your room,
let me tell ya'... I hear, from a source.
- Oh, my gosh. - You all right?
I only have six pills left. I thought I brought more.
Six is a lot of pills, Lamb.
Six is nothing.
There's gotta be a 24-hour pharmacy or something, right?
Vegas is a 24-hour pharmacy. You're gonna be okay.
Just relax. We'll get something later.
Okay.
You look like Santa Claus,
but just, like, thinner...
and hotter.
Ya' know, I prayed for an Easy Bake oven
when I was a little girl; I never got it, Santa.
Okay, I can't find your mouth.
So...
tell me about your family.
I had enough counseling in the hospital.
I'm on a couch with a man,
and both my feet are off the floor.
I mean, yeah, it's because my stupid body is failing me,
but still, I'm a slut.
Loray says you're her only family.
- Loray said that about me? - Yeah.
Loray does have family down in Orlando.
She's got a little sister that she basically raised herself,
because, you know...
you can see she's a caretaker still.
People are like that, aren't they?
She's got a nephew she ain't even met.
I think he's, like, two or three years old.
I'm not really good with kid-type stuff.
Anyway, I keep saying to her she needs to go down there
and reconnect, 'cause family's family.
If you got that stuff, you need to...
but I think, for her, it's very painful.
- Hey! - Hey!
You guys, you have to come downstairs immediately.
Some people are line dancing...
...as a joke. - As a joke, they're line dancing?
Well, this is brilliant. Let's get NASA on the phone. Someone call CNN.
She's resting.
No, no, I'm fine. I'm feeling much better.
- Were you guys talkin' about me? - Yeah, we were, actually.
We were having a conversation entitled,
"Third Wheels of the World Who Ruin People's Vibes,"
and your name came... No, we weren't talking about you.
Why don't you talk about me?
She does this every time.
We get it, girl. You can put your whole vagina on the floor.
Okay, all right, that's enough.
Loray, the truck is outside.
The special truck that delivers the food
to the tummies of the drunk girls.
Yes. Hey, let's go and fill Loray's little tummy.
- I love food so much. I love it. - Everybody loves food.
I love it, I love it.
You're so cute, you little--
Okay, well done.
Sorry. Sorry about the damage. Here she goes.
I need it. I need that.
You can keep that hat.
Okay, so listen,
we've done drinking and gambling,
you've been dancing with, what is it you call them?
- Sodomites. - Sodomites.
Love that word, love that word.
And I failed at all three.
No, don't say that. You were great.
Oh, but look.
- Wow. Brilliant. - Petty theft.
That's one of mine. Where did you get that?
- She nicked that from the bar, Loray. - Okay, so what's next?
Because I am such a nice person,
everyone passed this around,
and wrote down naughty things
they thought you should try.
- We can do some of that? - Oh, yeah.
- All done. - You whore.
Are you sure this is illegal?
Oi, you girls finished pissing?
Ready?
They try to connect the holes.
- Oh, my... - Sorry
You're in luck, Skipper. I just renewed my license.
Gosh, it's so short.
Feels so light.
Oh, you look totally butch.
Might as well drop you off at the enlistment center.
Go cop your dope.
Pick-up for Mannerheim.
That's me. Thanks.
Thanks.
What's the matter? You seem agitated.
Okay, so tell me, how do I have fun?
'Cause I'm honestly not having fun yet.
Bars are not fun.
The bar smelled like the flu.
Smelled like the section at the pet store
where you get turtles.
And that adult magazine,
that was the most revolting thing that I've ever seen.
It's not fun, William.
Maybe I'm not fun.
No, um...
you are fun.
- Really? You think I'm fun? - Yeah.
And I'm not alone in that.
This little guy happens to think you're hilarious, as well,
doesn't he? "No, I don't." We're not gonna get into that.
Look, I think maybe you've just not found your thing yet.
Okay, you guys, now this is fun.
Hey, listen, if you're scared,
we don't have to do this, you know.
No, no, of course I'm not scared.
This is almost like Disney.
- I'm so excited. - Again with Disney.
Loray...
- I think you're Type D. - What the hell is Type D?
You don't know what Type D is? It means you're depressed.
Or maybe it's just late on a Tuesday,
and I'm tired of being your magical Negro.
Um, my what?
- No, no. - Magical Negro.
Magical Negro is a narrative convention
in which a black person uses their special black wisdom
to help a white person in need.
We learned all about it in class.
Ghost, Green Mile, Bagger Vance.
All magical Negroes.
You aren't a magical Negro,
and if you got so much special black person wisdom,
how come you just texted your ex-boyfriend those Carole King lyrics?
I got wisdom.
You haven't got wisdom. Don't touch me now.
Lamb, don't I say a lot of things
that make you go, "Wow, Loray just told me.
She's so insightful."
- Yeah, yeah. - Racism.
Hold steady. Are you all right, love?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Take it easy. She's a little banged up.
Ma'am, if you have a pre-existing medical condition...
...I can't let you ride this thing. - I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm as healthy as a horse.
Which is, of course, very healthy.
I know about that 'cause I'm an expert in equine matters.
You've never ridden a horse a day in your life.
I'm ready.
What are you angry with me for?
- You know why. - Because of this?
Oh, look, you know I love you,
but you're makin' a play for a girl
who's held together with Band-Aids and chewing gum.
You've been up her ass all night.
Bringing her here?
You know we'd never be caught dead doin' this tacky shit,
and all just to defile some poor girl from the sticks.
- In my defense-- - No!
You are makin' her feel pretty, and that's cruel.
She is pretty.
She thinks I'm a good guy, Loray.
What a dumb-ass.
No one's thought I was good since I was 9 years old.
Twelve for me.
That makes more sense. You are a bit difficult.
I know it sounds weird coming from me,
but I'd never take advantage of her, ya' know?
You're right.
It does sound weird coming from you.
William the Conqueror.
- Bill the Butcher. - Slick Willie.
You lovers ready to go?
Oh, gag me.
I don't know how I let you guys talk me into this!
Hey, you okay?
Yeah. I'm fabulous.
So, what's next?
Oh, my God. You're bleeding. She's bleeding.
Whoa! Hey, what happened?
I'm fine. It's just my skin graft.
Skin graft? That sounds like something that should
be dealt with in a hospital.
No. No hospitals.
I'm having fun.
I'm having fun in Sin City.
You guys, I'm fine.
Lamb, don't be embarrassed.
Let's just go to a clinic or a hospital,
and take it easy for a couple of hours.
I'm tired of taking it easy.
All I do is take it easy.
I can't stop taking those stupid pills.
I feel like I'm dying.
We're all dying on a cellular level.
My goodness, I never thought about it that way.
- You're so wise. - Okay, we're getting a bit distracted.
We've had enough fun tonight.
Let's take care for a little while.
No. All anybody wants to do is take care of me. I'm sick of it.
You know what? You're lucky, Lamb.
Look, I know you resent the way you were raised,
all the church stuff and everything.
But there are worse things than being
a perky, privileged little blonde with saviors everywhere.
At least people care where you go.
Your mama's probably looking for you right now.
Nobody's looked for me in years.
Hell, last time somebody Googled me,
there was no Google.
They had to Alta Vista that shit.
That's a lie. William said...
William said that you had family, and they miss you.
He did, did he? Well, this isn't about me.
Look, I didn't come here to be coddled,
and be treated like I'm some kind of fragile thing.
- Seriously? - I'm just trying to connect with her.
- Shall we talk about this now? - Connect?
I'm staying out, and I'm gonna party my butt off,
whether you guys like it or not.
Hey, listen, I know we've upset you, but can you not go?
I don't want you to be alone in this city. I wanna take care of you.
Thank you for everything.
I'm not gonna be your burden anymore.
Lamb? Lamb.
Brilliant idea you had, bringin' her here.
- It's your fault. - My fault?
"Dying on a cellular level"? What does that even mean?
The night is still young,
and I can't let some minor bleeding keep me from major depravity.
Phenomenal.
Chalet, prepare to get Mannerheimed.
Free shots.
Take one.
Shots here.
I like it. Show me a little more.
Shots, shots, shots!
Hey. Hey, Blondie.
- Come and sit with us. - You wanna sit down?
Actually, I'll just take this.
Have another shot.
You got something on your face, babe.
Stop.
Honey, something is on your face.
I have no idea what that is.
What is that? Where you goin'?
You need to wash your face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.
This is V.I.P., baby. You got a V.I.P.?
I'm disabled.
You aren't gonna O.D., are you?
Why does this always happen to me? Oh!
Wait, no, I need them.
I know, I know. Hydros? That's not a bad way to go.
All right.
Wow! Where do you buy your hair?
Is it human?
It's a miracle.
It's really thick.
No, you're...
you're Amber.
Do we know each other?
I can't believe it's you.
You're... you're a magical prostitute.
Bye.
No, no, you don't understand. It's a miracle.
Mm-hmm.
Please, just, uh, just stay here and talk to me.
Please.
I'll pay you.
Well, she's gone.
Go and get her.
How am I supposed to do that?
She's been swallowed up by the Vegas night, hasn't she?
I think I might know where she is.
Honestly?
Unfortunately, yeah.
Yeah, but why would you tell me?
You've been trying to get us separate all night.
You don't trust me, do you?
Remember that time I got food poisoning at work,
and you guarded the entrance to the women's bathroom
for, like, three hours?
The memory will never leave me.
And that time I needed someone
to go with me to my junior thesis screening,
and you came and pretended to be my brother?
Yeah, I do. I was very convincing in the role of Derek.
Look, what I'm saying is,
I know you're a total creeper.
But just this once,
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
- So this is nice. Uh-huh.
You need a mint.
This'll wake you up. Here. Gratis.
Occupied.
What happened to you?
Um, well...
I was in a plane that went down.
The boy who was courting me--
my fiancé, I'd reckon you'd call him--
he was a pilot in the Air Force.
Normally, our dates were chaperoned by our parents,
but he wanted to take me up in his plane,
and it only had two seats,
so my parents were willing to make an exception,
just once.
He was a good pilot, but...
Did he get as messed up as you,
all that shit on your neck?
He lucked out.
- Not a scratch, huh? - No, he died.
Amber...
I can't go back to Montana.
I've destroyed everything,
and I thought I could live in a godless world,
but this is not what I expected.
This is so much worse than home.
Ha! Nothing's worse than home.
Trust me.
I'm scarred for life. No offense.
Um, I said 100.
I know. It's a couple of thousand in cash.
You know what?
I'm gonna write you a check, too.
I know you professionals probably can't take checks,
but I'm good for it, I swear.
Is this a joke?
There was a problem with the plane.
Major mechanical failure.
My family... well, my family and Micah's family,
we sued, and we won.
I'm worth, like, millions of dollars.
I was supposed to give a lot of it to my church.
They were expecting a big announcement on Sunday, and then...
well, it didn't really go the way that they planned.
I think I have better ideas for it.
Yeah, yeah, I would...
say this is a real stroke of genius.
I have been so angry
at everyone.
Mostly God.
Is this a TV show?
Do they have TV shows like this?
Wow. Wow.
Oh, man, I'm gonna buy a bunch of stuff
for my boys.
My one son, it's his birthday next week, the same as mine.
He must have been a great gift.
Yeah.
How did you know my name?
I recognized you from the card.
You know, the card that they hand out on the street.
I know, it's crazy. What are the odds?
It's like plane crash odds.
I...
You... Wait a minute.
You recognized me from that picture?
That's, like, ten years ago. I was a kid.
You're the same person.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
- Okay. - It's still you.
Okay. It's still me.
Those are real, ya' know?
Amber, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You found me.
Feels like Christmas now.
Yeah, that snow was a surprise.
I wasn't expecting that at all.
I wasn't even talking about the snow.
Loray!
- I'm so sorry. - You went ghost on us.
I'm sorry I went ghost on you.
You small-town people sure like to lay on the physical affection.
What is this?
Anthrax, probably.
Magical, sparkly anthrax from fairyland.
How did you guys know where I was?
We're people who live in the world who know people.
I spoke to my friend Jorge, he works here.
He said he saw a blood-soaked blonde
staggering into Chalet, put two and two together.
Well, you didn't have to come after me.
He insisted.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna get some ice
for that beautiful little shoulder.
Try not to do anything weird.
Ow! That's my favorite arm.
Hey, look, I gotta go.
I'm workin' Beatles Brunch later.
There's gonna be a lot of half-priced mimosas,
and idiots who don't even know about George's solo stuff, so...
You all squared away here?
Yeah, I think so.
Loray, thank you
for a wonderful tour of Vegas.
And thank you for being worried about me.
I think I'm ready to go see the real world now.
You're goin', huh?
Yeah, I didn't think
you would settle for the half-scale version.
- You're too smart. - What about you?
What about me?
Why don't you try to get that degree,
get out of Las Vegas, like you said?
Where am I supposed to go?
What about Florida?
See that sister of yours.
Florida.
Yeah, I told ya',
there's stuff there I don't wanna face.
Well, there's stuff here I don't wanna face,
but I'm doing it,
even if it hurts.
You always make things sound so simple.
Think I'll home-school my kid.
I think I'll take that as a compliment.
I wanna give you my phone number,
in case you ever wanna,
you know...
- ...explore. - Yeah, oh, okay.
You're squishin' my cotton candy.
- Yeah. - Sorry.
Hey, see you in the trenches.
When are you working?
Same time as you. I'll be your Ringo.
Love you.
She's my mate.
I know.
What's with the dishes?
Just, you know,
in case I wanna eat something.
Hotels are notorious breeding grounds for bacteria.
Yeah. I hear that
hotel bedspreads are the worst.
They never wash 'em,
so if you shine a black light on there,
they're completely covered in s...
cigarette ash.
- So should we... - Should we what?
You know what.
Actually, I don't.
It's, um, it's getting light, so I'll close the curtains.
You don't have to look at me.
Why wouldn't I wanna see you?
Lamb, um...
I just came back here
to make sure you got back safe,
and to tuck you in.
I don't need to be tucked in.
It's okay. I know what to do.
Whoa. No, no, no.
- No, no, no. - Why?
Because it's not right.
Because I'm hideous, right?
No. Of course not.
Do you know that some people in my church
think that God punished me?
Maybe I did deserve it.
No. No, you don't.
You are a beautiful young woman who got hurt, that's all.
No, they don't want me anymore, and you don't want me, either.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
I would do crazy things to you, given a chance.
- No. - I would. I would.
- Under the right circumstances-- - You wouldn't.
I would. I'd put you back in intensive care, love.
Sit down. I'd rip off
these weird, flesh-colored tight things.
They're surgical support hose.
Your surgical support hose,
I'd tie you up with them. Yeah.
But you're gonna have to forget about that,
because you're 21, and you're new to the world,
and there are gonna be other guys.
There should be other guys.
It shouldn't be like this.
I won't let it be like this.
Not at 4:00 a.m.,
with a bloody arm,
and with that...
plaster zebra coldly watching us.
I can make my own decisions.
I can take care of myself.
No, I know. I've noticed.
You're also pretty good at taking care of your server, aren't you?
Yeah?
So how long you planning to stay here?
I don't know.
I just don't wanna go back to Blakesley.
Lamb, the world is not just Blakesley
or the Vegas strip.
There are other places on the continuum.
It's not just this or that.
I'm figuring that out.
So what did happen in that club, Lamb?
Well, I went into a bathroom with a hooker...
Seriously? Bloody hell, let me sit down for this.
Not like that.
She was the girl from... Never mind.
You wouldn't believe me anyway.
Anyways, I was looking at her,
and I realized that everybody has scars,
not just me.
Yeah, the world is full of the walking wounded.
Exactly. But they don't get compensated for it.
Nobody calls them brave, or an inspiration.
I'm lucky.
I have angels everywhere.
Even in Vegas.
- So now I know what I wanna do. - Oh?
I wanna go see the world,
and I wanna give away my money.
Well, that's a bit extreme.
Why don't you try looking after yourself for a little while...
No, I've told you, I have been tended to enough.
Oh, hey.
Can you give this to Loray?
It's for school.
Ooh, no, no, no. I'm not getting involved in that.
- Loray hates charity. - So do I...
...and I let her take me on an all-night pity date.
That's really sweet of you.
I've gotta tell you, Lamb,
you are awful at being awful.
I gave it my best shot.
What is that?
That is a chocolate orgasm.
I've never had one.
Really?
Never?
Not even on your own, in the bath, by mistake?
I'm gonna try this.
Mmm.
See, I could be bad.
Yeah. Yeah, you're really naughty.
You're like a, um, a confectionery Hitler.
You gonna do that all in on your own, are ya'?
You know, that's what killed Keith Moon.
You know what? You can stop here.
- Right here? - Yeah. Thank you.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Oh, thank God!
Are you hurt?
NO. Mom, I'm happy-
I'm happy-
Is she in pain?
She says she's happy.
Oh, no.
What I did in church,
it was wrong.
Disrespectful.
I had a problem with people shouting their beliefs at me.
But then I went and did the same thing in turn.
Everyone understands that you've been through a trial.
They must've been upset.
People tried to talk,
but your mother wouldn't let 'em get away with it.
She would defend you through anything.
Really, Mom?
You may not realize this, but, uh...
I can be a bit of a maverick myself.
Remember that sermon about the dangers of yoga,
and how it suddenly encourages the worship of false idols?
Well, I thought that was a bunch of bunk.
I went ahead and bought a yoga DVD, and I've been using it.
What do you think of that?
Wow. Good for you, Mom.
I just changed the positions a little in my mind.
Sun salutation becomes God salutation.
Down dog is down Satan.
And so forth.
We're not stuffy, honey.
We're open to hearing about your new beliefs,
as long as they're still very conservative.
Do you guys wanna watch something?
I'm surprised you wanted to see this again.
I almost threw it in the trash.
That was a special moment. I won.
It was a good day.
The Anderson boy is not much of a drummer.
Well, he's not.
- I'm gonna start singing again. - That's great.
As long as you continue to sing unto the Lord.
The Christian Lord, not Buddha or Allah,
or whomever else they worship out there.
That reminds me.
I got this really cool scarf on my trip that I want you to have.
It would look really great on you, Dad.
Really?
Thanks, honey.
You should wear it to church.
I will.
Are you leaving again, Lamb?
William is still at the Hi-Lo.
I heard he even gets onstage once in a while.
I finally got a cell phone, and we text all the time.
Smiley face.
William told Lora y the money was from
an anonymous magical college fund.
She took it, and now, she has an internship near her family.
They live right by Disney World. Isn't that cool?
Dad's keffiyeh sparked a fashion trend
at Grace Redeemer.
And me, I'm really different now.
Yeah, I have better hair,
but I'm also just better.
I didn't believe I could be.
And now, I wanna help other people get better, too.
Some folks say this whole world is broken.
I say it's paradise.
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