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♪ One for the money
♪ Two for the show
♪ Three to get ready
♪ And go
[ laughter ]
♪ Okay
♪ One for the money, two for the show ♪
♪ Three to get ready, four for the dough ♪
♪ One of the money, two for the show ♪
♪ Three to get ready, now here we go ♪
♪ Get get get back
♪ Get g-g-g-get back
[ laughter ]
♪ Live it up now, live it up now ♪
♪ Live it up now
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ Oh
[ laughing ]
All right, he's right in front of you.
Straight ahead. Straight ahead.
[ bell rings ]
Straight ahead.
ALL: Ohh!
[ laughing ]
♪ Unh unh unh unh
♪ Co-co-come on
♪ Have a good time
Morning, sweetie.
How did you sleep?
Not good.
Tossed and turned a lot.
Okay, I've gotta say this.
You've been acting really weird the last several days.
Like, really nervous and on edge,
so I'm thinking either you're having
second thoughts about getting married,
or there's a problem at work
you're not telling me about,
or, I don't know, maybe there's someone else?
Babe, come on, don't be ridiculous.
Okay, well, but there's something.
Because you've been like this big sack of nerves
that's all twitchy and jumpy.
Honey,
I'm fine.
[ laughs ] Okay?
Fuck!
Fuck you, cereal!
Fuck you, milk!
Fuck you guys toge-- Fuck!
Fuck! You fucking piece of--
Fuck! Shit!
Fuck!
In the face! Fuck!
Good afternoon, sir, hi. My name is Luke Gordon,
and I'm calling from Janitors Bucket Cleaning Service,
and I'm very excited to be talking to you
about our exceptional cleaning system.
Believe it or not, we do have some people
in your building today dealing with other clients,
and I was wondering--
No.
No, there's no Janet here.
Janitor.
Yeah, it's Janitors Bucket Cleaning Service, and--
Well, I can't take a message for someone
who doesn't exist-- I'm calling you.
Sir, no, I can't--
No, there's no Janet. I can't--
Go ahead. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll have her call you, Fred. Bye!
Oh, shoot me in the face.
KEN: It's this stupid stag.
Wait, your stag?
How can that be bothering you?
I thought that was, like, every guy's dream.
Okay, babe, you've got a great group of friends
that you've known since you were, what, 16?
And I'm sure they're anxious to see you tonight
and, you know, be part of this special, memorable event.
Yeah, I bet they are.
So then why wouldn't you be excited about it?
Two years ago, I organized a group
that got Jason Albright so drunk he passed out.
We stripped him buck naked
and then covered his ass in ice.
Ohh! [ laughing ]
KEN: I then cut off the top of a pineapple,
wedged that bad boy into the crack of his ass
so it looked like the whole pineapple
was shoved into his butt
and just the leaves were sticking out.
I took a picture of it,
and then I circulated it around the office.
Okay, now you're just making that up.
You think I'm making this up?
Mm-hmm. You think this is--
Okay, I'm gonna show you what I'm making up.
Here. [ laughs ]
Bam!
Oh! It's my screen saver!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Yeah! I'm screwed!
Payback's a bitch, huh?
Rory, what are you doing?
You know what I have planned for Ken?
It's friggin' brilliant.
No, I don't know, and, uh,
I'm not really that concerned, so--
Wa-wait, you're going to the stag, right?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, I've got a lot of work to do.
I've got to get through these cold calls, so...
Okay, so you don't want to go to the stag, or...?
Are you kidding me?
The last time I saw a vagina,
it was when my daughter was coming out of it.
Your daughter's 6.
I know.
You need to come to this!
I don't know. I just--
Come on, man, hang with the boys like the old days.
You know, just forget about your responsibilities for a few hours.
This is our chance to prank the prankster.
It's gonna be the best!
I don't know.
I mean, I really do have some work to do,
and Liz is not gonna want me to go, okay?
She doesn't mind me going out with the guys and having beers,
but she's not gonna like
the fact that there's a stripper there--
What are you doing?
I'm looking for where you put your balls.
Funny. Are they in your files?
No, check your mouth. Probably in your mouth again.
No, not in my mouth. They're not on your body, I'll tell you that much.
Dude, you're burned out, all right?
You need to take a break.
Give yourself a few hours.
Just drink some beers, you know, see some 'tang!
Then you'll come back in tomorrow morning a new man.
You'll knock the fucking lid off these things!
Maybe, yeah.
So, um, who actually did the pineapple placing
in Jason's buttocks?
Honey, it wasn't the whole pineapple.
It was just the top with the leaves sticking out.
Okay, but who actually did it?
I don't know. I think we drew straws or something
So did the winner get to do it or the loser?
What are you doing?
Why are you asking me this? Don't you get it?
By the end of the night, I could be tied up
and gagged on a train to Pittsburgh!
Either that or I could wake up in an ice bath
without my kidney!
So then why don't you just not drink?
Stay on guard all night so nobody can do anything to you.
Not drink at my own stag?
What are you, nuts?
You don't get it, do you?
No! No, I don't get it.
I mean, I don't understand why you can't just go
to a movie with your friends for your stag.
Something really actiony with someone like Brad Pitt.
What, are you crazy?
Oh, sorry! I'm crazy?
You're shoving a pineapple up some guy's ass, and I'm crazy?
It wasn't the whole pineapple! Don't you yell at me!
I would never shove a pineapple--
It's impossible!
It's impossible to shove
a pineapple up a man's ass!
I said don't yell!
It was the-- 'Cause it--
Forget it! Let's just forget it, okay?
You know what, if you're so worried,
why don't you ask your dad or a friend
to keep their eye out for danger?
I did. I asked Carl.
Carl? What? You asked Carl?
What's wrong with Carl?
That is the same question all my friends ask
whenever they meet him.
"What the hell is wrong with Carl?"
[ dramatic music playing ]
Take me to the basement.
You were awesome in Tiger Bait.
What did you say? ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Cut!
What'd you say?
Listen, Clark--
It's actually Carl.
Yeah, um, you gonna be okay here?
You sure you can handle this all right?
Hey, Gus, dude, I'm an actor.
I can do this shit standing on my head.
Okay, great. But we did tell you
that Veronica likes to keep to herself, right?
Oh, yeah, I know. Right.
Okay.
It's just Tiger Bait's
one of my all-time favorite movies, so...
Okay.
Have you seen Tiger Bait?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I've seen it, but, um, I'm more concerned
about making this movie right now,
so if you can't handle it just let me know.
I can get someone else here.
No, wouldn't want you to go to all that trouble.
It's actually no trouble. We just need to find someone
that can fit into that suit, and then you're gone.
I'm good.
You're sure now?
Totally sure.
Okay, great, 'cause if you fuck up again,
I will personally drag you off this set
by your hair, okay?
All good! Yeah. Okay.
Oh, and, Clark? Carl.
Easy on the door, okay?
All right, let's pick that up.
Shutting the gate too hard.
I work out, so-- GUS: Clark!
Well, that's everything.
Yep.
But, Sarah, I just--
Oh, gosh, Henry, don't.
Don't do this, okay?
These things, they happen all the time,
and the best thing to do is just to...
just to move on.
But I live here.
Yeah, okay, you know what?
Don't worry.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm sure you're gonna meet someone,
you know, 'cause you're just--
You're just a really... nice guy.
RORY: You need to come to this!
Okay, I'll go.
Yes! Yes! Yes, you will!
Okay, fantastic.
I'm gonna need you to pick up the stripper.
Whoa, what?
Yeah, the stripper I hired,
she has no way of getting there.
And? I need you to pick her up.
Why don't you pick her up?
On my bike? Oh, my God.
I don't have a license, Luke.
Do you know why I don't have a license?
Yes, I know, Rory. I'll tell you why I don't have a license.
Because after my stag, thanks to Ken,
I no longer have a sense of depth perception,
and therefore am not allowed behind the wheel of a car.
I get it, all right, but that was four years ago,
and you gotta get over it.
Oh! Oh! Make no mistake,
I know exactly how long ago it was,
and now the universe has aligned itself to afford me
the opportunity to show Ken
the same respect that he showed me.
And I intend to. So if you would please be so kind,
please, pretty fucking please,
pick up the fucking stripper!
Okay, I will. But first, I have to call my wife,
and I have to lie to her,
and that's something I'm not comfortable doing, okay?
So if you'll excuse me...
That is fantastic. Say hi for me.
Her name's Candy.
Seriously, I'm picking up a Candy?
Yeah. Here's the address.
Fucking depth perception.
Okay, this is the address
of the club she works at during the day, okay?
Now I have to go. I'm masterminding the prank
and assigning tasks to the guys.
Speaking of which, do you have any Viagra?
No, not on me.
Okay, well, search continues.
Hey, sweetie, how are you?
Now, Candy's expecting you to pick her up
at the strip club at 5:00 sharp, so don't be late, okay?
Okay. See you tonight?
Yes.
Sweetie...Sorry. Hold on for one more sec.
Excuse me, 5:00? The stag is not until 7:00!
What am I gonna do with a stripper
for two fuckin' hours?!
[ sighs ]
[ door opens, indicator beeps ]
You okay?
Two years.
Ah, fuck her.
All women are a pain in the ass.
Two years, Paul.
I know, I know, it's shitty.
It's shitty. Plus, I don't like it
when people fuck with my friends.
Thanks.
Yeah. Now let's just...
We'll go get drunk before the stag, okay?
You'll feel better.
Okay.
She's watching.
You think she's having second thoughts?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know, but you know what?
You know what?
Now's your chance to leave with pride.
Let her watch you leave.
Let her wonder if she made the mistake.
Right. Right?
Yeah. Pride.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah.
[ ignition grinding ]
What the fuck are you doing?
I don't know.
Aw, this is fuckin' embarrassing.
I know.
"Park, Brights..."
Who's that?
[ ignition grinding ]
Aw, cripes. That's him.
[ ignition grinding ]
Son of a--
Wow. He's pretty cool.
Oh.
[ ignition grinding ]
I don't think she's having second thoughts.
Not only are you fired,
the second he un-jams this door,
I'm gonna wring your fuckin' neck.
Hey, man, I said I was sorry, okay?
I was just in character, and I slammed it.
Character? You're an extra!
You're a sack of meat that happened to fit the damn jumpsuit!
Hey, man, I'm an actor.
I was just in the moment, you know?
So sue me.
Oh, we're already drawing up the paperwork.
Okay, so you can sue me.
Well, the spring is busted.
The frame is jammed into the concrete base.
So how long?
You know, they don't really make them like this anymore.
I gotta get a guy
to come in from another district, so if we--
How long?
At least three hours.
Oh, well that is just great!
Great!
GUS: All right, guys, uh, we'll be taking
a three-hour break. Looks like, uh...
we're gonna be working into the night
to make up for lost time.
[ crew groaning and complaining ]
[ cell phone rings ]
Hey, can someone just grab my cell phone from my jacket?
[ rings ]
It's over there in my jacket.
Carl! What the fuck man?
This is like the fifth message I left for you.
I'm starting to freak out over here.
I just need to make sure that you're gonna be there
for me tonight, all right? I'm counting on you.
Good night, Ken.
Oh, God! Aah!
Jesus, Mary, what's the matter with you?
Are you okay?
You've been acting really weird all day.
I need to talk to you.
No, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes. I really do have to go.
Listen to me. It is your job.
We've been working together for a while now.
What's it been, two years?
Four years.
And you are definitely qualified
to answer this question because you know me.
Oh, I don't think I like where this is going.
You have a tendency to speak you mind a lot.
We both know this.
It's gotten you in trouble quite a few times.
I really don't like where this is going.
So I'm gonna ask you this,
and I want you to be completely honest with me.
I need you to be point blank, all right?
Am I a dick?
Yes.
No, I'm-- That was the question.
I'm asking you.
Ken, you're a dick.
You're the kind of dick who thinks he's a funny dick,
so he pulls jackass dick pranks
on his friends and coworkers
that really only get laughs
out of the other dicks in the office.
Well, that is until those dicks are sitting
having their dick lunch at the dick table
with their dick friends shaking their dick heads
in amazement at what a bigger dick you are than all of them.
So, yes, Ken, you are a dick.
Cool?
Yeah, thank you very much.
[ upbeat music ]
♪ Just come on
♪ Here we go now
Come on, it's 5:00.
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
LUKE: Oh, shit, shit! Luke?
Shit, shit!
WOMAN: Luke! Shit, shit.
It's me, Marsha!
Hi! Hey, Marsha.
How are you?
Good!
We're just coming back from Busy Bee.
You know, you guys have to take Isabelle there.
It is so cathartic.
Yeah, well, you know what? We will make a date.
I'll tell Liz, and we'll all go.
So, good to see you.
Yes! Yeah, yeah.
Uh, what brings you to this neck of the woods?
[ funk music ]
Shopping. Shopping.
For, uh, Liz.
Shopping for Liz, because I love her so much.
That is the sweetest thing ever.
Isn't it?
Hi. Are you Luke?
No. No!
No. Yes! I'm Luke.
I'm not the Luke that she... Oh.
[ coughs ]
So celebrities read those magazines, too, huh?
Cool.
Totally cool.
You ever...
read any articles about yourself in there?
Yeah, course, you probably do.
That must be cool.
I'd love to be in a magazine like that.
Love it.
Be awesome.
Oh, except, of course,
that whole thing when you
went out and you didn't have any underwear on.
They got those pictures.
That sucked, but...
Ever since then, I always make sure
I have underpants on when I go out.
VERONICA: Okay, you know what?
Why don't you just stay over there
on your side of the elevator,
and I'll stay right here on my side,
and we'll just be as quiet as we can be
until the guy comes to let us out, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, totally.
Totally cool.
Should, um...
Should work on my screenplay anyway.
Kinda my passion right now.
Oh, my God.
[ blues music playing ]
LUKE: That is when my dad walked in
and literally caught us
rolling the joints in the moment, so...
[ laughing ] Yeah, awkward.
That's hilarious. How long ago was that?
Oh, jeez, um...
Wow. 17 years ago.
Oh, wow. 17 years ago.
I was 6 when that happened,
which is the same age as your...
Same age as my daughter.
Wow.
Hmm.
I mean, my dad's, you know--
He's usually pretty-- What are you doing?
Oh, I'm a bit of a Web nerd.
Yeah.
So, you're married?
Yes.
Happily married?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yes.
I mean, yeah. I mean, every...
Every marriage goes through a difficult period,
and you just work through the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm happily married.
Yeah.
Do you...ever play?
Sports?
[ laughing ]
Oh, I should probably get you downstairs,
you know, 'cause you gotta get, um... Right.
stripping--Um...
Are you gonna be warm enough?
when you're down there, you think?
Aw, for fuck's sake, Henry!
People grow apart!
Besides, that guy's nothing like you, right?
He's a total badass, and you're a fuckin' sweetheart.
Yeah. God, I wish I was more like you.
Sure.
This tough-skinned guy that never lets anything get to him.
Ah, I know.
What kind of woman wants a tough guy, bad boy like that anyway?
Exactly. Pfft!
See the truck? Piece of shit.
Tough on gas, I bet.
Fuck it! Let him have her, right?
You just need to find somebody
who suits you, that's all.
For who I am.
Yeah.
Or I could become tough.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Like Jason Statham.
HENRY: Why not?
Why not?
Because you can't just become tough, Henry.
You know, you're just kinda...
You're born with it. You have it, or you don't.
What you gotta do is just focus all your fuckin' energy
on finding a woman who loves you for you.
But who I am never gets the woman he wants.
I should rethink who I am.
Jesus, can we just get fucking drunk, okay?
And drop all this psycho mumbo jumbo.
What's with your chest?
I think I pulled a muscle trying to lift
your fucking spirits all day. Now let's get drunk!
Hang on. Hang on. What?
Just another question.
I should probably warn you that these guys
can get a little wild.
I've been drinking with most of them since high school,
and you know what?
A few of them can get a little crazy. Just a heads up.
Am I safe?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.
I mean, I think you should be fine.
Great.
Don't worry about it. I'll keep my eyes on you.
Ahem. I mean, not when you're stripping.
I don't mean that to be creepy at all.
Like, I'll wash your back. Watch your back.
You're clean. I don't need to wash your back.
I don't want the guys to see me like this.
Say something nice. Boost my spirits.
Your hair looks great.
Thank you.
Like a... Like a sports guy.
Yes. See? Was that so hard? Let's go.
I'll see you downstairs.
Aah!
Oh, my God!
[ laughing ]
Oh, my God!
Let's tickle this Wild Turkey!
Ah ha ha!
Oh...what's up?
Surprised the wife let you out tonight.
Please, like I need to ask permission to leave my home.
Did you tell her you're working late?
Surprised you're out, eh?
Thought this guy'd be home begging for a pity fuck.
[ laughing ]
What?
See you guys downstairs.
Yeah. Yep, we'll see you down there, Henry.
What's going on?
Nice.
What'd I do?
Fucking guy got dumped today.
Oh, my God, again?
Yeah. Poor fucker.
I've been listening to him piss and moan all day.
Aw, jeez. Well...
who knows, I mean, maybe now he'll finally realize the truth, huh?
The truth. The truth about what?
Hello? He's gay.
What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Henry's not gay.
Are you serious? You've never thought--
No! No! I think you're fucking gay
for thinking that he's fucking gay!
That dude has been my best friend since grade four, Luke!
Grade fucking four!
And as you know, I'm not a big fuckin' fan of the homos!
Easy, okay. Homophobic.
Easy. I'm sorry, all right? I just thought--
No, you didn't think.
That's the problem. You didn't think.
Just 'cause the guy's got a little bit of a pussy handicap,
that doesn't automatically make him a faggot, you know.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry, all right?
Fine. Let's go.
By the way, faggot? Not so PC anymore.
♪ One of the money, two for the show ♪
♪ Three to get ready, four for the dough ♪
[ rap music playing in bar ]
Luke!
So, no sign of Ken or Carl.
Hey, look, Henry, I'm really sorry
about what I said upstairs, all right?
So, can we just let that go, bust loose tonight?
Hey, did you guys bring the stencil?
No, we didn't.
God damn it! Okay, what about the Viagra?
Oh, come on.
Okay, let me think.
Just like old times, huh, boys?
Huh? Have some drinks, get a little crazy,
maybe prank Ken,
and then we'll definitely see some pussy!
Uncle Luke?
Pam.
What are you...
I had a...I was just here for a dinner up--
A business dinner upstairs.
Yeah. Then I just came down to use the bathroom.
So...yeah, these are friends I ran into.
Hey.
Yeah, it's good. You're working here?
Well, that's good. How's Mom? How's your mom?
[ upbeat music ]
♪ Okay
KEN: [ whispering ] Rory! Psst!
You seen Carl?
Hey, look! Ken's here!
[ cheering ]
Oh, hey!
LUKE: There he is!
The man taking the death march, huh?
[ laughter ]
Holy shit.
Where's Carl? Have you seen--Carl!
Look, People are gonna be looking for me!
LUKE: No, no, no, like you're walking down the aisle,
getting married.
You're taking the death march, okay?
The death march?
Oh! [ laughing ]
MAN: Scared! Scared!
Shut up, okay?
'Cause I know why you guys are here, all right?
I'm gonna tell you something right now,
whatever you've concocted to fuck me up,
it's not gonna work. It's not gonna work!
'Cause I'm gonna be on point like a sniper.
I am going to be...
You scared him. sharp as a tack!
I want to talk to you a second.
KEN: Whatever you got planned, sorry!
I'm gonna bust your bubble right now,
'cause you're not gonna get me tonight.
It's not--It's not gonna work out for you.
Look, Henry, you gotta do me a favor, okay?
You gotta...You gotta try to man up a bit.
What do you mean?
You know, just kind of grow some fucking balls,
act a little tougher.
Yes! I need to toughen up so that I can get more ladies,
and, you know, the-the-the pussy
and stuff like that.
Why do you keep rubbing your chest?
Is your shirt soft? It is soft.
Just stick close by me tonight, okay?
Watch what I do and try to pretend to be tougher.
Yes! I should get a shirt like yours.
Stop being so obsessed with my fucking shirt!
Why are you so angry? I'm not angry!
Angry. I know when you're angry.
I'm not!
I know when something's bothering you,
so just out with it.
Okay, okay.
But I swear to God, if you say anything to anybody,
I will bite out your fucking tongue
and I will spit it right up your asshole.
Yeah, still sounds angry though, but okay.
That's just how I talk. Okay.
Okay, last week I was running to catch this bus, right? And...
I felt shit jiggle.
Okay.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah.
Oh, Paul, um, that's what happens when you get older.
I mean, stuff starts to jiggle.
Henry, this is me.
I never used to give a shit about any of that stuff.
I never cared how I looked.
Now I'm walking around like half a faggot all the time,
worried about being out of shape and out of breath,
and I get these fucking pains in my chest!
Wait, what? What?
Oh.
You have pains in your chest?
Yeah, it's nothing. I just--
I get this pain in the ass pain in my chest.
I swear to God, if you fucking tell anybody.
[ siren ]
It's gas.
[ laughter ] You're fucking dead.
EMT: You're gonna want to release that. Mm-hmm.
My advice, go home, drink some ginger ale,
drop a couple of Alka-Seltzer,
let nature do the rest.
You boys play safe.
Thank you. Sweet.
You're not the stripper?
Can I get my $20 back?
Man! Friggin' writer's block!
Uhh!
Been working on this screenplay
for, like, 11 years.
Stuck in this writer's block for, like...
eight years.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I'll tell you the part I'm stuck at.
The, uh, hero dog, he's a Bouvier,
takes off from his owner's house, right?
And joins up with all these neighborhood dogs
to go on an adventure.
So they're in this alleyway,
and they find this red wine,
then they go to this crazy humping party, right?
So they're all, like, doggy-wasted
and having an amazing time,
and everyone thinks that Barney--
Oh, that's the Bouvier.
Barney the Bouvier.
Everyone thinks he's, uh,
just, like, the coolest doggy dude, right?
'Cause, well, he scored the booze,
and, uh, he's just this, like, good-looking beast.
So Barney's checking out this hot poodle's ass, right?
When all of a sudden, bam!
Someone kicks the door in!
The dog catcher?
What do you mean?
Who came in to get the dogs?
Oh, no, no. It was Barney's owners
and their little daughter.
So the owners come in, and they slap the collar on him,
and they start hauling him off, right?
And then it's, like, cue dramatic music,
like "the emperor has fallen" type stuff, right?
[ dramatic music ]
But the kid is happier than shit now, right?
She's just draped all over Barney
just hugging and kissing him.
Barney's not cluing into the kid, though.
He turns to the hot poodle,
and just as he's leaving, he says,
"Being owned sucks."
[ laughs ]
That's all I got.
[ laughing ]
[ rap music playing ]
Gas. Wow.
That's a relief, huh?
Whatever.
You're telling me
you're not relieved it's not a heart attack?
It's gas, Henry.
It's fucking gas.
What do I look like, a grandpa? Jesus.
And I keep gettin' this heartburn.
Lately, I've been tryin' to hide this bald spot,
and I got fuckin' man tits that jiggle when I run.
I mean, I'm 30-fucking-7.
I gotta say, pal, it is refreshing
to see this side of you.
This...sensitive side.
Let's us all know there's a big old heart
beating in that burly chest of yours.
Henry, keep it down, okay?
And cut that flowery shit out.
It is funny.
You know, here I am trying to mend a broken heart.
[ sighs ] And you're worried about yours breaking.
Okay, we gotta toughen you up right fucking now!
Okay, yes! I'm game.
Here's the plan.
Okay, you see that babe with Luke? Mm-hmm.
She's the stripper.
She's pretty.
She's been hired to flirt with these losers
and give them boners, so they'll buy more booze.
HENRY: Okay.
Go hit on her.
But--Wait, what?
No, she's-- She's a stripper.
Exactly.
It'll be like learning how to pick up chicks
with training wheels. [ laughs ]
Right.
Yes.
So, just, uh, hypothetically speaking,
if you were to have a wild night of adultery...
Oh! what kind of a...
What kind of girl would you be into?
No, no, I-- [ laughs ]
PAUL: Hey!
Hey! Good. Hi.
Oh! Uh, sorry. Paul, this is Candy,
and this is Henry, so...
Yeah.
Hey, Lukey, can I talk to you?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Okay.
Whoops. [ laughs ]
Well, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Thanks, it's nice to meet you, too.
Ah! Well...
So, do you, uh...
come here often?
No. No.
You?
No. [ laughs ]
No, me, either.
So we got that in common.
You're the oldest guy in the group, right?
By, like, a month. Well, still.
You ever, uh...
You ever think about dying?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Really? Yeah.
Totally. Yeah.
Especially, like, ever since Isabelle was born.
Yeah, now we got another one on the way.
Think about if anything happened to me,
you know, who would take care of them?
So you think it's... it's normal.
It's a normal thing to think about?
So, uh, how long have you been in the arts?
Just so you know, private dances are 60 bucks.
Yeah. Wow!
Okay.
That's cool. I mean...cool to me.
Does that include a drink?
[ upbeat music ]
PAM: You're joking, right?
No, it's part of a prank we're playing on the groom.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I can pay you for it!
Isn't that something the stripper should be doing?
Uh, I already asked her and she passed.
Yeah. Sorry, it's not my kinda thing.
What's not your thing?
Oh, hey, Ken! It's not her--She's just--
It was just a very complicated drink order.
Thank you, Pam. That will be all for now.
Sometimes I have trouble grabbing things.
Right.
Still having some depth perception issues.
Okay, guys, let's play some cards.
Yeah, let's do this!
I think you know most of the people here.
Not sure if you remember Randy.
No, I don't. Hey, how you, uh...
Yeah, you actually came to my stag
with a buddy of mine a couple of years ago.
Oh, cool.
No, not really. You guys got me drunk
till I passed out, and then you superglued
some of my fingers together
so all I could do was this.
BOTH: Live long and prosper.
Yeah. [ laughing ]
That must have hurt.
More than you know.
My fiancée realized I couldn't slip
a wedding ring on my finger,
so she postponed the wedding.
Oh.
I--I, uh... I had no idea.
Then before we even got to the altar,
she decided to sleep with my best friend,
so the wedding was called off.
You know, I remember at my stag...
I was so enraged that I confronted my ex-best friend,
and in a fury, beat the crap out of him.
Wow.
I was arrested for assault
and spent 6 months in prison.
It was during that time in jail
that my fingers finally came unstuck.
Oh.
At least your fingers are normal again.
Unfortunately, too late for me to defend myself
against the nightly beatings
I took from gang members.
Bummer.
Randy, I did a terrible thing to you,
and for that, I'm sorry.
But you have to understand, I had no idea
what the ramifications would be.
I can only assume you're here to fuck me up, right?
Hmm. The thought actually never crossed my mind.
Seriously? Really?
Why are you here then?
Dude, it's a stag.
Just here to play some cards,
have some beer, and relax.
Great.
I think.
RORY: All right, lads, anti in!
♪ Here we go
[ panting ] How the fuck do you fail
at hitting on a stripper?
Are you out of breath?
Shut the fuck up and answer the question.
I didn't fail. She's quite nice.
Very good listener. I think I made a friend.
A friend? She's a fucking stripper, Henry.
You don't need a friend.
You got a whole basement full of friends over there.
What you need is someone to bang!
What you need is to reach down
and locate your testosterone
and yank it the fuck up
so that people might actually see that it exists!
You're right.
Something's gotta change, and it's gotta change now.
Yeah.
You know, I'm sick
of the ladies loving me like a brother!
Yeah! And if I can't score the snatch,
then I'm gonna enter the world of manly men another way!
That's it! That's my boy!
Ugh!
It's time to kick some ass!
No. No, it's not. No, it's not.
Paul? Outta my way,
or your head's gonna be the first ass I kick.
Okay. Here.
Okay, go ahead.
Hold these,
'cause this might get ugly.
Definitely.
[ straining ]
[ snoring ]
What'd you say to me?
Huh?
Me?
Yeah, you, troublemaker.
You lookin' for some trouble?
I don't think so.
[ sighs ]
On your feet, old man.
It's time someone taught you a lesson,
you pathetic hobo.
Who you callin' old?
Ha ha! That's...ugh.
God.
I must warn you, I am twice your size and half your age,
and though these fists have never touched the flesh of another man--
Mmm!
Rude!
I was in the middle of talking!
Aw!
Aah!
Hah!
Aah! Burn!
Aah! Ha ha ha!
Come on! Let's go, bitch!
Jesus. It's like giving spinach to Popeye.
So how long were you dating?
[ hammer tapping ]
About eight months.
That's not that long.
Well, it was for me.
Although, I wouldn't exactly call it dating.
[ drill whirring ]
How do you mean?
Well, I mean, we never really went out and did anything.
It was pretty much, you know, just the things
that the publicist would arrange.
I don't understand.
Oh. It happens all the time. It's like a thing.
You know, the studio pays the publicist
to get two celebrities to go out together,
and then they tell
the paparazzi where you're going.
By the end of the night, I have flashbulbs
popping off in my face,
and the studio has people talking about their movie.
Hang on a sec.
Let me put this in terms that I'll understand.
So a really rich guy-- let's call him John--
pays another guy-- let's call him pimp--
to take out a hot girl for a night.
Let's call her... Careful!
Let's call her you.
And in the end, guys are popping off in her face?
[ drill whirring ] Ew! That's sick!
MAN: I've just about got it.
Just hang on, sweetheart.
We'll have you out of there in a minute.
MAN: Just about there.
Oh, crap.
Now or never, Carl, now or never.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Hmm?
Listen, I know you're, like, this huge Hollywood megastar,
who was so good in Tiger Baiby the way.
And I'm at a point where I'm questioning my career choices,
if not my life choices.
Okay, I'm rambling.
I was wondering if you-- Look, uh, Clark...
It's Carl.
You seem like a really sweet guy. I--
Just let me finish.
It's just that I'm single,
and I know that you are, too,
and, uh, in a weird way, we've already been
shacked up together for a few hours, right?
Well, that's true. I guess we survived.
Yes. We totally survived.
So maybe this is all meant to be.
Maybe we could be... meant to be.
[ drill whirring ]
Maybe when I get out of the hospital...
Hospital? MAN: Got it!
Okay, I'm out of time.
Will you go out with me?
[ door clattering ]
[ cameras clicking, photographers shouting ]
I'm sorry. I can't.
All right, here's a story for you guys.
These pictures you're taking will be the last ones
taken of Clark alive.
It's Carl.
[ dramatic music playing ]
VERONICA: Take me to the basement.
I know this might seem sort of strange,
but I actually don't have long to live,
and I've never been kissed...
ever.
Would it be too much to ask you to kiss me?
[ music crescendos ]
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
[ laughing ]
[ growls ]
You owe me a fucking shirt!
Whoo! Oh, my God!
That was awesome!
[ dog barking ]
Weirdest fucking thing I ever saw.
I--I feel so alive, like I could do anything!
Know what? Me, too.
Look at this. Look at this.
Pure adrenaline, right?
Fucking right.
Uhh! Ha ha!
I now know I love fighting!
Technically, Henry, I don't think that was fighting.
[ panting ]
[ laughing ] Look here. Look at that.
Blood, huh?
It's barbeque sauce, Henry.
The fucking old man threw a fucking chicken wing at you.
But I took it!
I fucking took it!
And listen to my language!
I'm swearing like a fucking sailor, for fuck's sake!
Oh!
Ahh!
Not sure I'm buying it, Henry.
What are you talking about?
It's just not you.
You know what, Paul?
Fuck you.
Excuse me?
No, you heard me.
Fuck you, Paul.
Who died and made you king of the cool guys?
I'm not the king of anything, Henry.
I'm sick of it.
Seriously, you just walk around,
because you're so cool,
and nothing ever bothers you.
How do I walk around?
"Oh, what if I have a heart attack? Mm, uh.
Oh, what if I die?"
Well, what about you, eh, Mr...Mr. Sweet Guy?
Mr. Understanding, Mr. Compassionate,
giving his fucking heart away all the time
and getting it broken and then come crying to me?
You're always there for your best friend in your tight jeans,
thinking everyone's checking out your ass.
Well, what do you want me to do?
You want me to be all tucked in
and presentable and perfect like you?
Maybe Luke was right about you.
What?
What does Luke say about me?
Nothing.
No, what-- What did Luke say, Paul?
Didn't say nothin'.
Paul.
Luke was just sayin',
you know, sometimes him and some of the guys
think that maybe. you might be...
What the fuck is the matter with you?
What the fuck is the matter with you?!
Huh? You--You can't--
Oh.
[ lighthearted music ]
[ semi horn honks ]
You know, it's a good thing nobody was thinking about
shaving my eyebrows off or something like that,
'cause that'd be fucked up.
You like the jeans? Mmm!
Really easy to get off. Really easy.
[ whistles ]
I'd look weird. [ laughing ]
All of this, none of this.
So if I'm drunk and passed out
at the end of the night, you know...
You put me in a gorilla suit
and drop me off at my office drunk and passed out.
Me with no eyebrows? Come on.
I have a gorilla suit.
Okay, continue.
Look, it's all I could find, all right?
It's called maca or something.
The guy at the market said it nourishes hormonal glands
and helps men with natural production
of testosterone hormones for energy,
libido, and sexual enhancement.
That's so complicated.
I just want to give Ken a boner.
Boys. Good night, huh?
It's the way it should be.
No wife, no kids, just hanging out with the guys.
We need to get Ken to eat this.
What is that?
No time for questions! Just get the waitress chick
to chop it into his nachos
or boil it into his drink or something.
Oh, okay, so you planned it out real well. Good.
Look, there she is.
She's talking to your stripper friend.
No, hey, she's not my friend.
Okay? I just picked her up.
I don't know about that.
You guys have been kind of chummy lately.
I think she's diggin' you.
No. Yeah?
No! No!
Oh, my God, no one cares. Just go.
Luke.
Hey, Mark.
[ dance music playing ]
[ Candy and Pam laughing ]
Hey, ladies. Hey.
Hey, Uncle Luke, we were just talking
about how you know each other.
We don't know each other.
I mean, you know.
Uh...like how does anyone know anyone?
That kind of thing, you know what I mean?
I know I need a drink.
Yeah. Cranberry juice would be good.
'Cause I'm driving, so time to switch.
I'm very responsible, okay?
Responsible and moral.
Yeah.
Can you also chop that up, put it in a drink,
and, uh, serve it to that guy?
I don't know I could get in trouble.
Don't do it then. I don't care.
Cranberry.
Uh, what-- Was that maca?
I don't know.
No idea.
[ sighs ]
Well, I should, uh, probably go
and slip into this outfit.
Unless, um, of course, you wanted to help me with it.
[ coughs ]
Uh... [ mutters indistinctly ]
I can't. Come on.
I mean, you can do it on your own.
I don't think I... Hey, uh, you got a second?
Yes, I do.
Yeah, for sure. What's up?
I need to talk to you in the bathroom.
Perfect, even better. Okay. See ya.
Wow.
[ giggles ]
Love that guy.
Please.
What's goin' on, guys?
Did you do it?
She gonna put the thing in his thing?
I begged her, but I don't know if she will.
What the fuck, Luke? There's no margin for error here!
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...
I want to thank you all for coming out tonight.
I really appreciate it,
uh, but the purpose of a stag is--
HENRY: Ooh! Ooh!
PAUL: Shut the fuck up, Henry!
I'm going!
You're the dickhead who got us kicked out
in the first place!
[ thud ]
HENRY: This is exciting!
I feel like Spider-man!
Yes! Or Tom Cruise!
PAUL: Okay, careful, careful.
I gotcha. I gotcha. I gotcha.
Watch your back, watch your back, watch your back!
[ giggling ]
Step, step!
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughs ]
PAUL: Oh, fuck! [ closes window ]
HENRY: That close.
Hey! What's with the fucking sausage party
in the bathroom?
Yeah, where's that stripper action?
Let's get this fucking party started, eh?
Yeah, and play some poker and football.
Who wants to arm wrestle me!
Yeah, yeah! Huh?
Really, where's that stripper?
Huh? Let's see some fucking pussy, fellas!
Indeed! Let's see
some fucking fellas, pussy! What?
HENRY: What? PAUL: You said, "Let's see some fellas."
No. Yes, you did.
Really? That's...
That's the last thing we need.
PAUL: Yeah!
'Cause nobody here is into dudes, right?
Not us! That'd be funny!
[ laughing ]
All right, shut the fuck up and listen!
For 10 years,
we've seen a bunch of our friends get married
and say good-bye to their freedom.
Right?
And all of them have had a stag.
A great stag.
And part of the reason why the stag was so awesome
was because I came up with some clever-slash-fun prank
to pull on the groom-to-be. True?
Yeah, it's true. Correct.
You're the King, Kenny!
Gotta concede that.
Now it's my turn, okay?
It's my turn to say good-bye to my freedom
and life as I know it.
And I've been freaking out
pretty much all day long
wondering what you guys were gonna do to kick my ass.
And the guy that I had counted on
to show up and watch my back?
He didn't show.
And now I have the distinct impression
that you guys have nothing planned for me.
Nothing.
Not so fast, asshole!
I actually do have some payback planned.
I think.
Or I did have some-- I did have some.
Yeah, yeah, we did, but you know what?
Ran into a snag or two. Wasn't me.
Why?
Well, I mean, you know, not the easiest thing.
I mean, you know, there's, you know,
a couple problems, different stages to the--
PAUL: Some things just kinda got in the way.
It actually seemed kind of mean.
It's supposed to be mean!
What was the plan?
Oh, it was gonna be amazing.
Okay, so first we were gonna get you drunk,
and then when you passed out--
Okay, I know how it starts. Let's get to how it ends.
Well, then we were gonna take your pants off.
And give you a boner!
I wasn't gonna give you the boner.
No, no, no, no, no! I didn't think--
Stripper would give you the boner.
I hate boners.
Well, wait a minute.
I thought we were gonna give him Viagra.
RORY: I couldn't get Viagra.
My mom keeps it locked up.
Your mom has Viagra?
Your mom has a penis?
No! Pfft!
My mom's boyfriend has a penis.
Your mom has a boyfriend?
Guys can we please fucking focus?
Okay, so once you had a boner,
we were gonna get the stripper to write on it in indelible ink,
"Candy was here."
And then when, you know, it was all small and soft,
it would just look like a little smudge.
Or a freckle.
PAUL: And then when you and Caroline
started to, you know, fool around.
Right?
Yeah, so then when it was all big and engorged,
then she'd be able to just clearly read it.
Yeah, I get it.
Guys, that's not half bad.
Why aren't we doing this?
Uh, who says we're not?
Well, no boner pills.
And also Candy said she wouldn't do it.
I talked to her.
Guys, wait! [ panting ] Stop!
We can't do it.
Can't. 'Cause...
I Googled the effects of indelible ink on the penis,
and it is not pretty.
Carl, you can relax. We're not doing it.
Okay. I just ran 12 blocks.
Eh, it's probably for the best.
I mean, that Caroline, she is a sweet lady,
and she'd get pretty upset.
PAUL: Yeah, and, you know, we'd have to get you drunk,
and that usually costs a lot of money,
and I'm kinda tight these days, Ken.
You know what? I mean, it wouldn't happen
till later on tonight, and I've had a long day.
I've gotta get going soon.
KEN: No, I get it guys. Don't even worry about it.
I mean, if you're too busy to disrespect me the way
I've disrespected you in the past, that's fine.
I'll just, uh...
say good-bye to my independence
over a couple of uneventful beers
and a boring cab ride home.
Okay. So we're cool then?
Thanks, man.
RORY: It's ain't over until it's over, Ken!
It ain't over until-- Okay, guys wait up.
[ rock music playing ]
Paul, wait up.
Hey, can I see you in the bathroom for a second?
I--Oh, come on.
[ men cheering ]
Okay.
I'm gonna be honest. I am not comfortable
helping you or watching you get changed, so...
You know, I've been watching you all night, Luke.
[ stammering ] Uh, I-I-I am a...
I'm a married happily man, so...
I mean, I'm a--
I'm a married happily man.
And yet you're in the ladies room
with a stripper who's about to get undressed.
That's why I'm leaving.
Oh, so you don't find me attractive?
No. What? Yeah, yeah, I just...
Why are you here? In the bathroom?
No, the stag.
Why am I at the stag? Yeah.
'Cause it's a stag!
Hang out with the boys, right?
Get rid of stress from the job,
the stupid fucking job.
The toilet job?
Yes, the toilet job, yeah,
where every day, I deal with rejection after rejection,
and then I go home to a stack of bills and a messy house
and a kid who-- who I love.
I love her. Love my daughter so much.
She's my princess, but she doesn't shut the fuck up!
And now we got another one on the way?
You know, all I want once in a while
is a little intimacy with my wife. That's it.
But she's not in the mood.
She's never in the mood!
So I go down to the TV room,
and I zone out till I fall asleep,
and then I wake up,
and I do the whole fucking thing all over again.
That's why I'm at the stag.
And you thought committing adultery would...
What? make that better?
No. I would never cheat on my wife, okay?
I never have, I never will.
Well, then why the offer to help me get changed?
You asked me to come in.
Ugh! Jesus, Luke, you know what?
You are really screwing things up here!
What?
Yeah. Okay, look,
I have a confession to make.
Please.
I'm not just a stripper.
Oh, my God, you're a hooker!
A hooker?
Do I look like a hooker to you, Luke?
You--[ sighs ]
I don't know how to answer that.
I'm a blogger, Luke, okay?
I write a blog.
You've been writing about us on the internet?
My "Manopause" followers
are gonna have a tough time with you.
Okay, what is "Manopause?"
Manopause-- it's a term I use for male menopause.
Guys like you that are going through a midlife crisis.
Guys like me? You don't even know me.
I'm not going through a midlife crisis.
Well, you're a middle-aged man
who may very well be one of the oldest guys at this party...
[ scoffs ] What?
and you've got a wife at home that you love so much
you're willing to give up any career dreams
that you may have in order to provide her
with some sense of security.
And despite the fact that you are riddled with guilt,
you lied to her so you could abandon the weight
of your responsibilities and spend a few hours
with your male friends
reliving what you see as happier days gone by
and a chance to see a young woman partially naked.
Odds are you're questioning your life choices,
and there's a 42% chance that you are or will
consider a divorce.
Wow. Yeah.
So you're only getting partially naked.
Hey, gentlemen, grab a chair!
Hey, I'm Randy.
Carl. RORY: Hey, Ken,
your beer's looking a little empty there.
You need a re-up?
No, I'm good, man.
Look, Randy, Ken's beer's empty.
I'm gonna grab him a nice, fresh mug o' beer.
So, Carl, what do you do?
I do background work.
You ever rubbed elbows with any celebrities?
I did technically rub elbows with Sean Penn once
in a rugby scrum.
Hey, I think I saw that movie.
Um, what was it called again?
Scrum of the Earth?
Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.
This is fun.
PAUL: Yeah!
Let's play some fucking man poker!
Okay, here we go, boys.
Uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beer! Yeah!
RANDY: I loved Scrum of the Earth.
It's cool you were in that.
In it? He had, like,
Sean's Penn's nut sack just inches from his face.
Could somebody please deal?
Wasn't his nut sack.
It was his character's nut sack.
Oh, that's still awesome.
I guess.
KEN: Hey, Ken, how was your stag?
My stag?
It was fucking amazing.
We sat around a poker table all night
and talked about Sean Penn's penis.
So what was it like?
Soft and warm, I guess.
RANDY: No, no, not his... not his nut sack.
What was it like working with Sean Penn?
Oh. I don't know, we...
kept our distance, I guess.
RANDY: Oh, yeah, professional courtesy.
You guys can't be gawking over each other
like regular folk, huh?
No, that wouldn't be cool.
I can't believe what I'm looking at.
Wow.
Huh.
But you know what, Candy,
this doesn't all sound like me.
Read farther down.
"Characteristics of a mid-life crisis include
the deep sense of remorse for missed opportunities."
Check.
"The desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness."
Check.
"The search of an undefined dream or goal."
Well, how am I supposed to know what that is?
That's what undefined means.
Look, don't drive yourself nuts over this, okay?
I was just making an observation.
All right, you know what guys? I fold.
The stag party has officially began!
The stripper's here!
Time to get titties on the forehead!
I did background work on Titties On My Forehead
with Ice-T.
So, Carl, what was Veronica Simpson like?
Mmm, yeah! CARL: She was, uh...
She was nice, actually.
Okay, great, but what was she like?
I mean, was she smoking hot, or...?
Yeah, she's, um...
She's really pretty.
[ Paul laughing ]
And, uh...
nice. Least, she seems nice.
That's nice. That's good to hear.
Nice? Like she'd give you the time of day.
[ laughter ]
She was great in Tiger Bait.
She's got a great ass, though.
Oh, she really does!
I would tap that in a heartbeat.
Okay, guys, that's not really...
I bet she'd be a pretty good fucking lay.
Yeah, for sure, she would be.
Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I'd...
I, for one, would love to,
you know, really lay... lay her.
She's an actor. How do you know she's not faking it?
She wouldn't be faking it with me.
[ laughing ]
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, guys, come on.
But she's an actor, right?
Yeah. Yeah, sometimes
they're just show and no substance.
Hey, that's not necessarily...
Still, she's got a great ass.
Great rack, too.
Oh, that's it! We get Ken implants!
Enough!
Let's just play poker, okay?
You're all talking smack about a person you never even met.
So let's forget about Veronica Simpson
and just play mindless poker
with mindless friends, all right?
Okay, Carl.
Sorry.
RANDY: Sorry, Carl.
Mr. Cranky over here.
You having a rough day?
You have no idea.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
You're not playing again, are you?
Yeah, why the fuck not?
Trying to help you look after your money, that's all.
That's all right.
I mean, it's okay for you to play,
it's just you need to know your limit.
You're right, I know. You're right.
Okay. I'm proud of you.
PAUL: How much do you think I should spend?
Well, I don't know I mean,
are you comfortable with, say, $10?
$10 is good, yeah.
Let's just have a look and see how much you got left.
What the fuck is wrong with you two?
BOTH: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Play the fucking game!
Shut up! No, you're the fucking homo!
Oh, you're so gay!
You're totally gay!
Can we play more than one round of fucking poker here?
[ rap music playing ]
[ cell phone rings ]
[ rings ]
Hello?
Hi, Daddy!
Isabelle. Hi, sweetie, how are you?
Good. Hey, Daddy, guess what?
What?
I did a perfect cartwheel at gymnastics tonight!
You did? That's great. You must be so happy.
I'm super happy.
I wish you could have seen it.
I wish I could have seen it, too, sweetie.
I should have been there. I'm sorry.
That's okay, Daddy.
I know you have to stay and do your work.
And Mommy videotaped it for you so you can watch it later.
She did? That's great.
Is work going okay, Daddy?
Yeah.
Hey, Isabelle, I should probably get going, okay?
Okay. Will you come tuck me in when you get home
and give me a kiss?
Of course.
You want to talk to Mommy?
No, no, no! No. No, no, no, no, no!
Just tell Mommy that I am,
you know, gonna be home soon, okay?
Okay. Love you, Daddy.
I love you, too, pal. Bye.
He didn't want to talk to me?
[ men shouting ]
Hey, Candy.
Hey, buddy, fuck off.
Just relax, buddy.
What's up, Luke?
Not me. Get lost, buddy.
Look, you were totally right
about the whole mid-life crisis thing.
Weird, huh?
Not really, no.
Well, anyway, I found out what my undefined dream is.
You did?
Yeah, so thank you.
I'm gonna take off.
[ chanting ] Peeler! Peeler! Peeler!
Peeler! Peeler! Peeler! Peeler!
Guess that's my cue for the group show.
Damn! That's the worst $60 I ever spent!
Candy, you know what?
I mean, you can skip this.
You know, you don't have to do it.
I mean, you have so many followers on your blog,
like, why don't you just be a regular writer?
But I am a regular writer.
I'm not a victim here, Luke.
I can assure you that there is a great sense of power and control
that comes when you're totally exposed to someone,
and yet in absolute control over them.
Also makes it dead simple to get into their psyche.
Really? Sure.
You ever see the look on a little kid's face
when they've been watching TV for too long?
Like taking candy from a baby.
[ snapping ]
Holy shit.
It was nice meeting you, Luke.
[ wolf whistle ]
[ hip-hop song begins ]
Here we go. All right, yeah!
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
That is what I'm talking about!
[ cheers and shouts ]
What are you, uh... What are you doing?
I thought you were leaving.
Yeah, I just-- I got--Yeah.
But I have a couple of minutes, so...
Hi.
[ laughs ]
[ cheering ]
Take the titties out!
Please!
[ cheering ]
Hey! That's Candy! That was great!
Oh, thank you so much. Okay.
Round of applause for Candy,
and we'll see her next time.
Hey, uh, what the fuck are you doing?
She didn't even start yet!
Well, use your imagination.
It was starting to...
What are you really doing?
Hmm? Oh.
Well, you told me to watch your back,
and I just feel like things are getting out of control, okay?
Guys, look it, I don't think
we need a dancer here tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, we fucking do!
Have you lost your fucking mind?
Yeah, we really do need some guys stuff right now, Luke!
You don't have to do this.
Yes, I do, okay?
Guys, let me explain. Give me a second.
We are grown, mature men.
Get him!
[ shouting ]
No, no, no!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Just a minute, okay?
I, uh...I came here to dance for you guys,
so that's what I'm gonna do.
ALL: Yeah!
But first, I need to come clean.
My name isn't Candy. It's Margaret.
Yeah, okay, Candy, Margaret, whatever!
Take the titties out!
And I'm actually not just a stripper.
I'm a writer.
And I've been secretly using all of you in a giant case study.
So even though the mood has been killed,
and it's not something I want to do right now,
I'm gonna strip for you.
But you need to be aware that you are,
in a sense, all guinea pigs
being used in a massive case study
that will essentially reflect
how the male species is perceived.
Yeah, she's gonna strip!
[ cheering ]
[ music playing ]
Yeah! [ wild cheering ]
Wait!
[ groaning ]
Wait!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
She's right.
KEN: [ whispering ] What the fuck are you doing?
She's a person.
Her name is Margaret.
She has a mom and a dad and brothers and sisters.
Look, she's more than just nice boobs
and gyrating hips.
Jesus.
My whole life, I've been looked at like an object,
and not in a good way.
Been looked at like something
that's worthless and replaceable.
Nobody gives a crap about who I am.
Oh, my God. So?
That feels like shit.
Then I met this great girl, and...
This is officially the worst stag party ever.
And I treated her the same way,
so I learned my lesson.
Margaret, you're free to go.
Not so fast, Margaret!
See, I personally don't give a shit about your name
or your blog.
And, Carl, I don't give a shit
about your sad-sack fucking story.
What I do give a shit about is seeing
those beautiful tits on my friend Kenny's head.
Right, Henry? Yeah!
PAUL: Henry?
[ crying ] It's just a heartbreaking story.
Oh, fuck this, Carl! Get off the stage!
There is a stripper here who need to get to work!
Over my dead body.
Mine, too.
That is not gonna be a fucking problem.
[ men shouting ]
Yeow!
[ grunts ]
[ crash ] MEN: Ohh!
What was that?
Christ, Henry, what are you doing?
Are you all right?
HENRY: Oh, I landed on my wallet!
All right, that's it. Party's over.
Party's over? What do you mean, party--
It's 9:00.
Finish your drinks and get the fuck out of my bar!
Why are you cursing at me? I'm--
I'm the dude paying you!
This is awesome.
Man, I so wanted to burn your ass.
I wanted you to burn my ass.
Rory, let me ask you something, man.
For years, you've been carrying this chip on your shoulder
from me ruining your perception thing, right?
Very much so.
Weren't you the guy that we painted
a gigantic face on his body
to make his pecker look like his tongue?
How does that cause a mental problem?
My fiancée had been suffering
from low self-esteem issues in the bedroom.
When she walked in and saw me laying there with "it"
sticking its tongue out at her,
she was so hurt emotionally,
she couldn't bring herself to touch it anymore.
So I was exiled to an island of self-pleasure.
One day, she came into the bathroom unannounced,
and I fell backward into the tub and smacked my head.
Ever since then, I've had this condition.
That's weird.
Mm-hmm.
Is it permanent?
The doctors say it'll take a few years,
but it'll eventually go away.
What about your wife?
Oh. [ laughs ]
We, uh...
We've been going to this sex therapist.
Oh, nice. Yeah, and, um...
[ laughing ] You know, ever since then,
she's been like an animal.
Okay. Like a wildebeest or like a jackalope.
Oh!
Yeah. She just wants it all the time.
Whoa. That's great!
Yeah. Well, only problem is,
you know, with the whole depth, perception thing,
I keep trying to dock the boat
in the wrong slip.
Keep trying to put my penis in her bum.
Yeah, I got it.
That's not a metaphor.
I'm gonna head out, pal.
Of course, you are.
I mean, why would you stay?
You okay?
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fucking awesome.
When people look back at this event,
you know what they'll say?
What?
Nothing, okay?
They won't say a damn thing!
There'll be no memories, no tales,
no legacy,
just a guy whose best friends
don't care about him enough to abuse him
[ shouting ] at his own stag!
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Feel like a bit of an idiot, though.
No, no, no.
That was brave, Henry.
Poorly executed, but brave.
Like Jason Statham?
No. No.
Look, about what happened earlier
in the, uh, alley.
Yeah. Uh, that.
Um, well, you know, uh...
Look, the fucked-up thing is...
I didn't hate it.
It was weird.
Yeah, it was weird.
Weird. Fuckin' weird, but...
You know, we'll work that out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we'll work that out.
We'll work it out, but...
look, keep this on the fucking downlow, right?
Yeah, like, way...fucking low.
Down there.
Good.
All right, let's go hang with these monkeys
and get the fuck out of here.
All right.
Uh, you got stuff--
Don't fucking touch me!
There's just schmutz on your...
I am so sorry about the mess.
God.
It's no problem. I've seen a lot worse.
Those guys can be pigs, you know?
Some of them.
Hey, Pam,
let's say, uh, we're at a family gathering.
You know, you're there, and my wife is there.
Uh-huh.
I mean, you're not the kind of person that would talk
about work when you're with family anyway, right?
I'll make you a deal, Uncle Luke.
I will never talk about this night
in the presence of our family,
if you promise never to say the word "pussy"
in front of me again.
I didn't. Did I say pu--
Did I say that? Yeah.
Deal. I will--I will--
I will not do that again.
I'm surprised I even said it.
Probably wasn't me.
But I'll tell the guys not to do it.
All right, guys, I'm gonna get going.
See you, Randy.
Ah, well...
Did I say "pussy" earlier out loud?
LUKE: Unbelievable.
Hey, Ken, look, I'm sorry that you didn't have a--
No, no, no, I get it.
I'm a dick.
It's time to stop with all of this
idiotic behavior and childish pranks
and settle down.
I even know how awesome Caroline is for me
and how perfect we are together.
I just wanted one last night, though, you know?
One last night. I wanted to celebrate.
I wanted to wear a stripper's boobs
on my head like a sailor hat.
Crazy.
I'll settle for beers with my best friends
and the two gay guys.
What--We--
No.
Oh...my...God.
I'll mention the great ass thing.
Hey.
Uh, how did you--
You told the wardrobe girl
that you had a special gala to attend here?
Oh, I did?
Mm-hmm. And the make-up girl
and the guy at craft services.
Okay. And I said gala?
Apparently.
Cool.
So why are you here?
I don't know. Um...
I guess I wanted to tell you
that you really bug the shit out of me.
Okay, message delivered.
Thank you for coming by.
But after that horrible experience,
I guess you maybe bugged me a little bit less.
I did?
Yeah, and then that other guy came in to finish the scene,
and we had the whole kiss thing.
I didn't notice.
And I realized that you were the guy in the cage
the whole time putting up with my psychotic-ness.
And, well, it just didn't really seem fair,
so I came to bring you this.
[ whispering ] And I wasn't in character just then.
That was really me.
Wow!
The beer here is awesome.
So if don't mind hiding your face from the paparazzi,
I have a car waiting outside,
I was thinking maybe we could grab a late dinner.
Paparazzi.
Cool.
I mean, blood-sucking pricks.
I have a way out.
I think they won't see you.
Hey, would you mind staying here for a drink?
I have a favor I want to ask you.
[ song begins ]
♪ Sittin' where the stage is stayin' blue ♪
♪ Chase around the soul right out of you ♪
♪ And everything else
♪ Just got in my way
♪ And time was talk
♪ Would make it all true
♪ Out jumps a bee right through my skin ♪
♪ Each and every time that you breathe in ♪
LUKE: Hey, sweetie.
Good morning, Daddy.
Come here.
♪ Wake myself up
♪ Man comes around
♪ Clawed up all the sin
Daddy? What's all this?
♪ Clawed up all the sin
Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and wake up Mom,
and then we go out for a nice, big pancake breakfast?
But first, can you tell me what it was like
to do a perfect cartwheel?
Okay. Well, first over here
is where my teacher called my name,
and I was kinda nervous.
Morning.
Mmm, morning, sweetie.
How ya feeling?
I'm feeling pretty rough.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, it's no wonder. You were really drunk
when they dropped you off on our front lawn last night.
And what time was that? 3 A.M.?
11:15.
Damn.
So you had fun?
It was all right.
Why, nobody stuck a pineapple up your ass?
No, nobody did nothin'.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you should come over here
and look at this, uh, scumbag.
Scumbag?
Why I gotta be a scumbag?
That is awesome, baby!
Look at that!
I'm the scumbag grabbing Veronica Simpson's titty!
Go on, scumbag!
Scumbag number one.
It's time for your eTalk update.
Well, it looks like Veronica Simpson
isn't the only one with her hands full these days.
Last night, the star took a break
from her hectic filming schedule
to drop into a local stag party,
and was greeted by a few onlookers
and one groper!
The man with the hands was rushed out of the bar
before police arrived,
but has been identified as Ken Andrews.
A warrant has been issued for his arrest,
and Miss Simpson is planning on pressing charges.
Rumor has it Veronica was there
visiting a new love interest.
[ upbeat music, camera clicking ]
[ camera clicking ]
[ baby crying ]
[ glass shatters ]
[ camera clicking ]
♪ When I walk in a room and I
♪ Hear a beat that I'm feelin', it makes me high ♪
♪ Wanna stay in the groove till the morning time ♪
♪ Wanna put my hands up in the sky ♪
♪ Any day of the week, I love to jam ♪
♪ Doesn't matter what part of the world I'm in ♪
♪ Want to have a good time when I'm with my friends ♪
♪ When the music is bumpin', it never ends ♪
♪ Ever since I was just a kid
♪ Had rhythm in my feet everything I did ♪
♪ Everybody all around me hit the floor ♪
♪ Just lovin' them beats more and more ♪
♪ I love seein' when they shake it around ♪
♪ How they move them hips all up and down ♪
♪ From side to side all ready to rock ♪
♪ With a lowdown bass line deep inside ♪
♪ Roll your belly to the left and the right ♪
♪ Roll your belly till the end of the night ♪
♪ Roll your belly till we're all in trance ♪
♪ Come on, baby, now, belly-dance ♪
♪ Roll your belly to the left and the right ♪
♪ Roll your belly till the end of the night ♪
♪ Roll your belly till we're all in trance ♪
♪ Come on, baby, now, belly-dance ♪
[ singing in foreign language ]
♪ Roll your belly to the left and the right ♪
♪ Roll your belly till the end of the night ♪
♪ Roll your belly till we're all in trance ♪
♪ Come on, baby, now, belly-dance ♪
♪ Roll your belly to the left and the right ♪
♪ Roll your belly till the end of the night ♪
♪ Roll your belly till we're all in trance ♪
♪ Come on, baby, now, belly-dance ♪
[ song ends ]
♪ So call the shots
♪ Girls are crazy, girls are naughty ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my body ♪
♪ Girls are happy, girls are sweet ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my feet ♪
♪ Girls, they love to make me trade ♪
♪ Make me hollah, but she fakin' ♪
♪ Girls, they like to buy me clothes ♪
♪ Take me dancin', [ sniffs ] my nose ♪
♪ Girls, they like to make me dance ♪
♪ Take me out and take a chance ♪
♪ Take me out and show me off ♪
♪ Smoke me up and make me cough ♪
♪ Take me out to the back of the club ♪
♪ V.I.P., a private rub
♪ Girls, they like to take my hand ♪
♪ Girls, they like to meet the band ♪
♪ Girls in Europe, U.S.A.
♪ Girls in China all the way
♪ In the East and in the West
♪ Girls are lovin' you the best ♪
♪ In the north and in the south ♪
♪ In my hand and in your mouth ♪
♪ In the night, in the day
♪ Girls are comin' round my way ♪
♪ Girls are crazy, girls are naughty ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my body ♪
♪ Girls are happy, girls are sweet ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my feet ♪
♪ Girls, they love to make me trade ♪
♪ Make me hollah, but she fakin' ♪
♪ Girls, they like to buy me clothes ♪
♪ Take me dancin', [ sniffs ] my nose ♪
♪ Girls are crazy, girls are naughty ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my body ♪
♪ Girls are happy, girls are sweet ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my feet ♪
♪ Girls, they love to make me trade ♪
♪ Make me hollah, but she fakin' ♪
♪ Girls, they like to buy me clothes ♪
♪ Take me dancin', my nose ♪
♪ I love the girls
♪ I love them crazy girls
♪ Crazy, crazy
♪ I love them girls
♪ I love my crazy girls
♪ Crazy, crazy
♪ I love them girls
♪ Girls are thirsty, girls are sweatin' ♪
♪ Girls are wantin', girls are gettin' ♪
♪ Girls are needin', girls are takin' ♪
♪ Girls are cheatin', then they fakin' ♪
♪ Girls are hatin' other girls
♪ Girls'll take over the world ♪
♪ Girls are what we gotta save ♪
♪ Girls are always what I crave ♪
♪ I like my girls
♪ Girls are crazy, girls are naughty ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my body ♪
♪ Girls are happy, girls are sweet ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my feet ♪
♪ Girls, they love to make me trade ♪
♪ Make me hollah, but she fakin' ♪
♪ Girls, they like to buy me clothes ♪
♪ Take me dancin', [ sniffs ] my nose ♪
♪ Girls are crazy, girls are naughty ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my body ♪
♪ Girls are happy, girls are sweet ♪
♪ Girls, they make me move my feet ♪
♪ Girls, they love to make me trade ♪
♪ Make me hollah, but she fakin' ♪
♪ Girls, they like to buy me clothes ♪
♪ Take me dancin', [ sniffs ] my nose ♪
♪ Crazy
♪ Crazy, crazy, crazy
♪ Take me dancin', [ sniffs ] my nose ♪
♪ Crazy, Crazy
♪ Crazy, crazy, crazy
♪ I love them girls
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