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Thank you, Grace, for that lovely a cappella version of the National Anthem.
Please welcome to the stage a student who needs no introduction.
However, she did write one for me to read to you.
"Today's keynote speaker holds the highest GPA...
...in the history of Merriwether High...
...as president of Mathletes, Key Club treasurer, editor of the school paper...
...as well as her own self-published magazine Womyn With a Y.
Please put your hands together...
...but remain seated so those behind you can see...
...this year's valedictorian, Brandy Klark."
Go, Pancake.
Please be quiet.
Our First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, once said:
"You cannot be both young and wise."
I say, let's prove her wrong.
Get off the stage, virgin.
What a loser.
Thank you. That's great.
Nice speech, spaz. What, you have like a death wish or something?
- Good chime-in. - No, I don't have a death wish.
- Amber, be nice to your sister. - Hey, Brandy. Brandy.
- Hey, Brandy. - Hey, Cameron.
Killer speech. Really inspirational.
Your hair smells good. What is it, lavender?
- Who is this? Who are you? - Oh, hi. Cameron Mitchell, sir.
George, it's Cameron. Brandy's science lab partner.
AP Chemistry partner.
- He is? - Yes.
- Dad. - What?
- It's Cameron. - Okay.
- Can I talk to you for a second, please? - Yeah.
So it was really rad studying with you this year.
I'm so psyched that we'll be working together at the pool.
- Oh, me too. - And we're going to Georgetown together.
I mean, you got a full ride. I got a partial, but whatever.
I think that fate is trying to tell us something.
Barf. Two nerds in love.
Shut up. Our relationship is strictly professional.
We're just friends. God, I hate you.
- So sorry, Cameron. - No, that's okay.
You were saying.
I was just saying that I think that....
- I wanted just to give you this. - Oh, thanks. Socks.
Actually, those are slippers, and they're for your dorm room--
We did it.
Oh, my God.
- The slutty Oompa Loompas. - Honey.
Can we get out of this family fuck-fest and go to a party?
Hey, Judge. Hi, Mrs. Klark.
Hey, go fuck yourself.
Dude, you don't give the chick you're crushing on socks.
- They're slippers, actually. - Oh, whatever, man.
You give her girly shit, like perfume or a scrunchie.
Brandy is not a girlie girl. She's hard to read.
Sometimes I think she likes me. Sometimes I think she's a robot.
- Oh, I knew it. She's a lesbo. - She's not a lesbo.
Oh, shit. Just got a page. Let's jet.
- You don't really think she's a lesbo? - I kind of do.
I have to register, contact my dorm mate, label my clothes--
And see Beaches. I got it on VHS.
We have to have a special sleepover to watch it before we leave, okay?
- Special sleepover? - Yes.
- God, you're so weird. - Okay, Wendy, "Watch Beaches."
- I'll put it on the list. - Thank you.
Save money for computer. That'll take forever. Buy shower shoes.
You know how much bacteria is in communal showers?
- If you don't bring your own shoes-- - God, stop. Put it away.
Put it away. All right? You're being a buzz kill.
Okay. Guess it can wait.
I am excited for the all-night graduation party.
Those Mormons have some great activities planned.
And I think it's the perfect alternative to Derrick Bergwill's stupid kegger.
I mean, who needs alcohol when there's a hypnotist?
Fiona, you missed the turn.
Hey, seriously, you missed the turn. Hey.
What the H-E-double hockey sticks.
Told you she'd freak. She almost swore. Better turn around, Fiona.
There is no way I am turning this car around.
Pancake, I'm taking you to a real party.
Booyah. Class of '93, fucktards.
Drink, drink, drink, drink!
- Party foul! - You guys suck.
- Dicks. - Dicks. Hey!
- I'm out of here. - Let's get our drink on.
Excuse me.
Fiona, my dad is a judge. He'd be so disappointed.
You know, Brandy, in Europe there's no drinking age.
Parents give their babies wine and shit.
Twenty-one is, like, such an arbitrary age, because it's, like...
...you can go to war and die, but you can't have a little drink now?
Look, you know I hate hypocritical laws, but, Fiona, you are driving.
Okay, okay, okay.
- I'm throwing this out. - No.
- Who is that? - That is Rusty Waters.
We can stay.
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
- Yes. - Here's to pussy.
Oh, God. What is that? That's disgusting.
Peach schnapps. The only thing my dad wouldn't miss from the liquor cabinet.
- I'm sticking to beer. - I'll stick to schnapps.
- I can't feel my legs. - You're like after-school-special drunk.
Beer should be a food group. Am I right?
I like being on the top bunk.
- If you fart, I'll kill you. - Ladies don't fart.
- Don't-- - Except this one.
- Sleep well, drunkie. - I love you.
- I love you too. - We love you.
- We're gonna go party now. Bye. - I've made it to the top.
Guys are gone? It's all good.
Let's play a game. I hide, you seek.
Here's a hint: I'll be in bed.
Hey, who are you?
I know you are, but what am I?
Oh, I should do this more often. Getting drunk is fun.
Oh, yeah? It's about to get a whole lot funner.
You mean, more fun. "Funner" is not a word.
You feel like Marky Mark looks.
Oh, yeah? How about some good vibrations?
You ready for some more?
Yeah. As long as you don't have oral herpes.
Wait.
- Who the fuck are you? - Brandy Klark, valedictorian.
Yeah, you're not who I was looking for.
Nice to meet you.
Why am I so stupid? What was I thinking?
That it tastes better on the way down than it does coming up? Jesus.
- Your vomit's the color of Kermit the Frog. - Why did I say that?
Why didn't I just keep kissing him back?
Excuse me? Who the fuck did you kiss?
- Whom. - Whom the fuck did you kiss, Brandy?
- Brandy.
- Whom the fuck did you kiss? - Rusty Waters.
- What? No. - Shut up.
- Are you serious? - I've never felt that way before.
What, horny? Yeah, welcome to puberty, man.
No.
Like nervous. Like I didn't know what to do.
I always know what to do. Always.
So you're saying that you kissed Rusty Waters...
...but you didn't put out? Are you crazy?
- Or a lesbian. - No.
I wanted to put it out. I didn't know how.
What do you mean you didn't know how? He kisses you, you just kiss him back.
I mean, it's not that hard.
Unless you're good at it, and then it is hard. Do you get it?
- Wendy. - I mean his dick.
Guys, this is serious.
The last time I Frenched was with Jason Swan in ninth grade.
We had to end our relationship because it interfered with student-council duties.
You could've gone all the way if you didn't lose your shit.
Can you imagine losing your V card to a college guy?
- No premature ejaculation. - He'd hit your G spot.
Yeah, you'd probably come like three times.
Come where?
- That's an orgasm. - Really?
You think if I'd been ready and wanted to and not so drunk...
...had protection and maybe a cute bra, we could've--?
Fucked?
Yeah. Totally.
You blew, like, a major opportunity.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, Pancake...
...but let's face it, you're not getting any younger.
- I kissed his nipple. - What?
I think I sucked on it.
- That's okay. - But I don't know why.
Hey, could you get me a coffee?
You smell like patchouli.
Good morning. Why is Chip shaving his legs in the bathroom?
Because he mountain bikes, duh.
- Chip spent the night, sweetheart. - Chip did what?
He spent the night. He's going off on some big fishing trip.
- They won't see each other all summer. - He's following Phish, as in the band.
You gave Amber permission to have a boy sleep over?
- He's a man. - In her bed?
Not a boy, it's her fiancé. Where else am I gonna have him sleep, on the couch?
- Why the heck not? - How was your little church party?
I wouldn't know. Fiona and Wendy took me to a kegger.
I got drunk and puked my brains out.
You should probably ground me. Mom, do we have ginger ale?
- Let me see, honey. - Dumb-ass.
Are you still drunk? Don't tell them that.
- Brandy tells us everything. - Too much, if you ask me.
And we trust her to make the right decisions.
Or, at least, learn from her mistakes. Right, honey?
You need to learn how to lie.
She does not need to lie. In this house, honesty is the only policy.
- That's right. - There you go, honey.
And we think this hangover is punishment enough.
You're not even grounding her? Un-fucking-believable.
- Hey! - Language.
Sorry I'm late. I experimented with alcohol last night and puked on my way here.
I had to stop for mouth wash.
- My name is-- - Brandy Klark. Yeah, I remember.
Do you ever wear a shirt?
Very funny.
Man, last night was embarrassing.
You must think I'm some type of sex maniac or something...
...but I promise you, next time, I will ask before I strip down and start kissing you.
- Okay. - Anyway...
...I take it you're here for lifeguard orientation.
How did you know?
All right, then. Let's go meet the boss.
- This is the pool manager? - He is sleeping.
Yeah, I can see that.
Excuse me. Sir?
Excuse me.
Hello.
Excuse me. Hi. Rise and shine.
This is.... It's all happ-- It's all happening.
- It's a happy.... - Excuse me. I think you're dreaming.
Please stop. Stop it. Please.
Hi.
- Hi. - I'm Brandy. Brandy Klark?
- It's orientation. - She's a newbie. Cut her some slack.
Cut me some slack? Correct me if I'm wrong...
...but I think we're here to work, not hang out and get a suntan.
- You guys. - Hair of the dog....
I can't believe you're drinking that. Do you know what time it is?
No. I partied on Friday. What day is it?
- It's Monday. - Fucking A, man.
All right, I better get to work.
Have at it, newbie.
You expect me to clean up all that by myself?
- Yes. - I can help you.
No, you won't.
I was thinking the colors for the wedding, burnt sienna and turquoise.
- Do they have burnt sienna flowers? - I don't know.
- Hi, sweetie. Dinner is waiting. - H i.
- Sorry I'm late. - Hey, sweetie.
- Good evening. - How was lifeguard orientation?
Humiliating.
My burn-out boss decided to make fun of me...
...in front of this incredibly hot college guy.
Shocker.
Mom, when exactly did you lose your virginity?
On our wedding night. Pass the potatoes, please.
- George. - The potatoes, Jean. Please?
- Oh, honestly. - Thank you.
- Way to go, dumb-ass. - Shut the front door, Amber.
- Shut the back door, Brandy. - Not the back door.
- What?
There's doors we don't do. The back door's one of them.
It's the '90s. You'll have to get with the times.
- Fine, we can get call waiting. - I'm not talking about call waiting.
I'm talking about Brandy.
She's clearly curious about sex. I think I should talk to her.
No. No talk. Your talks do more harm than good.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means, you had a talk with Amber and look how that turned out.
You put her on the pill when she was 15...
...and she's been dating, pardon my French, jerks ever since.
- And now she's gonna marry one. - You can't blame Chip on me.
Anyway, what do you expect, Brandy's gonna wait till her wedding night?
It worked for you.
Let's see. I lost my virginity when I was 15.
- Fifteen? - No, actually 14, with Francois.
Our exchange student? But he was so rude.
He always played his stereo too loud. He never let me in his roo-- Touché.
He had a big dick. Yeah, Francois, you know, sex wasn't that bad...
...but it didn't get good until sophomore year.
College, okay, that makes sense. You're more mature--
High school. By then, the guys had cars. We would park at Beaver Creek.
Do people still do that, go to Beaver Creek to fuck?
- How would I know? - Oh, shit, right. Virgin.
Man, it feels good to finally be smarter at something than my kid sister.
Loser. Seriously, you wanna pop that cherry before you get to college.
Before? Why?
Okay, how can I put this in terms a Mathlete understands?
- Yes, in terms a Mathlete understands. - I'm fucking trying, okay?
Freshman year is like one big sexual pop quiz.
- You need to do your homework. - Homework?
Yeah. God, it's crazy, freshman year. I fucked my R.A. the first week.
- Wonder what she's up to. - It was a girl?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I have a lot of work to do.
Let's do this.
Okay, Amber...
...let's see what you got.
Titty-- F-word.
"Motorboating."
Uncle Andy has a boat. That should be easy.
"Teabagging." Must be British.
"Shocker: One who shocks."
Maybe it's some kind of surprise. "Hand job, blowjob, rim job."
Why so many jobs? What's a rim job anyway?
Come on, rim job. Not listed.
Guess I will have to ask the librarian on that one.
And finally, sexual intercourse...
...with Rusty Waters.
Well, let's get to work, vagina.
Here you go. Have a good day. Bye-bye.
Hello. Welcome to Big Bun. May I help you?
I decided to lose my virginity to Rusty Waters.
- You want fries with that? - No.
- "Finger-banged, sixty-nine"? - "Titty fuck, blowjob."
- I had no idea that you could be so-- - Sophisticated?
Slutty. There are things on this list that I haven't even done, Brandy.
This is awesome.
So you're gonna scam on other guys and then hook up with Rusty?
No offense, but how? You said yourself he's out of your league.
- I never said that. - I did.
Okay, yes, he's out of my league now...
...but not once I learn how to pearl-necklace him.
- Actually sounds really elegant. - It's not.
Anywho, I'm witty, engaging, smart, well-read.
Once I add "sexually experienced" to the package, he'll want me.
Plus, you're an untouched virgin.
Yeah. What guy's gonna say no to a virgin, right?
Thank you. That's just the encouragement I need.
Let us swim! Let us swim! Let us swim! Let us swim!
Cameron. Cameron.
- What was that about? - Pool rats.
Get here at dawn, don't leave till September.
We're cheap daycare for the neighborhood rats.
- I'm sure it's not that bad. - Just you wait, newbie.
Let us swim! Let us swim! Let us swim!
Hey, guys, get off the--
- See you later, sucker. - Loser.
Tried to warn you, newbie.
- What the truck, Willy? - Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch.
Know what? That's enough. Settle down, give her a chance to catch her breath.
Hey, come here. You all right?
Come on.
- Now you okay? - I am now.
Good.
Just a little hazing, newbie. You're good.
Can't believe you didn't see that coming.
Hey, guys, put those noodles down. Hey.
Who did that, the bubbles in the whistle? I haven't seen that in years. That's funny.
Mayonnaise? In my sunscreen bottle? Come on, guys, I'm not that pale.
You are a true doofus.
She's so stupid.
Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!
Newbie, poo patrol.
Very funny. How very Caddyshack of you.
- What did she mean by Caddyshack? - Don't know.
It's not poop. It's not poop. I'm getting hazed.
You know what that means?
What is it, you guys, Baby Ruth?
Snickers? It's very convincing, Willy. I'm impressed.
- Oh, no. She's not gonna-- - Dude, she's gonna.
Get out of my way!
Oh, my God. I've never seen that before.
That's not even on Faces of Death or any of that shit.
Shut up!
I fucking like this girl. That was awesome, newbie.
Both the boys and girls locker rooms are clean, okay?
It's not really fair you made me do both.
- Yeah, well, life's not fair, newbie. - You got that right.
No!
- Brandy, help-- - Not falling for it.
- You really don't know how to swim? - I hate the water.
- What's wrong with you? - Don't tell anybody. I'll lose my job.
You should lose your job. That is so irresponsible.
- I'm gonna call the Parks Department. - Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey.
Brandy? Let's not tell anybody. Let's pretend it didn't happen.
You want me to lie? My dad is a judge.
Shit, shit, shit. Look, I'll learn, okay? I'll learn how to swim.
You know what? Hey, you can teach me.
Seems like something you'd be into. You're bossy and stuff.
You like to order people around. Come on, okay? Please?
I can't lose my job, please.
Fine, but I charge $6.25 an hour, cash.
- Shit. - And no more hazing.
Okay, no more hazing, $6.25 an hour. Hey, Brandy. Hey, deal.
Deal.
- Okay, that's it, that's it. That's it. - Hey, come on.
Hey. You're still gonna teach me how to swim, right?
Brand? Where's your towel? I need to dry off.
Okay, Pancake, you made that list like a week ago.
When are you gonna grow a pair and do something on it?
Lay off, Fiona. Some people are just slow learners.
I'm not a slow learner. I got a five on my advanced-placement tests.
Oh, right.
And it just so happens, I plan on getting...
...finger-banged tonight.
- I think it's finger-blasted. - No, it's finger-bombed, bitches.
Okay, well, whatever it is, I'm going to do it tonight.
All right.
Just how exactly do you know when to do it?
- You'll be like wet and stuff. - You'll be wet and stuff.
Make sure to tell the guy how wet you are. They love that.
The guy's gonna be doing most of the work.
Yeah, but most guys suck at it.
When Ross Peterson tried to finger me...
...it was like he was digging for loose change.
Like dimes between couch cushions.
Sounds terrible.
What's up, my bitches?
What happened to your fingers?
Burnt the shit out of them lighting off some cherry bombs. It's gnarly, right?
Hey. Get in here.
Get it together, Klark.
Women get fingered every day. It's not that big of a deal.
Come on.
What? You want some?
Yeah, I want some.
I'm such a goof.
All over my shirt.
Sorry.
- Did you just double wash? - Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait. - What? What?
- Oh, my God, do I have beer breath? - No.
Just let me kiss you back.
Right.
Yeah, I knew that.
Sorry.
I'm winning.
Do you think I should try and scam with Duffy?
No. Stop.
It's just the wine coolers talking, man. You can't hold your liquor.
But we have so much history.
You guys dated for like a week in the eighth grade.
I know, but I think I just never stopped loving him.
- Sega's my shit. - I like your shirt.
I love hypercolor on you. So cool.
I'm so wet. Touch me.
I said I'm wet. Finger me already.
I will. Is it shorts or a skirt?
Neither, they're skorts.
Over or under?
- Under. - You sure?
Yes.
But I'm definitely not calling it a "blast."
Let's call it a "finger bomb," emphasis on the "bomb."
Well, how did it feel?
Kind of like an itch you can't scratch.
- Look, "How to find your G spot." - Hey, can I see that? Give it.
Can you watch the pool for a minute?
- Do you guys masturbate? - No.
- What? - That's gross.
Really? You've never touched yourself down there?
- Well, maybe I straddled the couch. - Only when I can't sleep.
It says here that women should "flick the bean" as much as the guys do.
"Forty percent of women never climax during sex...
...because the guy can't find their G spot." This is a travesty.
Ladies, we must take charge of our own sexual gratification.
- What the--? - Get away from me. Get away, perv.
- He put his finger up my ass. - I have to put "masturbate" on the list now.
I'm not a quitter. I am not a quitter.
Come on, Klark. Come on.
- UVA protection. - That's right.
- UVP protection. - Yes.
- Hypoallergenic. - It better be.
- Waterproof. - Oh, God.
- Non-greasy formula. - Yes.
Soothing aloe vera.
Yes! Aloe vera! Yeah! Aloe vera! Yes!
- Privacy, please. - Phone call, ass wipe.
Make it quick. Chip's calling from Vegas.
- What, between lap dances? - Phish is playing a show there.
- Were you humping a pillow? - None of your business.
Loser.
Please be Rusty. Please be Rusty. Please be Rusty.
- This is Brandy. - Hey, Brandy, it's Cameron.
Oh, hi, Cameron. I can't really talk right now.
My stupid sister is expecting a phone call from her idiot boyfriend.
- Fiancé. - Correction, fiancé.
- Get off the line, Amber. - Eat me.
- Hurry up, Cameron. - I was wondering if Brandy wanted to——
I mean, if you, Brandy, wanted to go out on a date.
- Sure. Why not? - Why not?
- What kind of shit answer is that? - Be quiet, Amber.
Don't you have a dick to suck or something?
- Several. Unlike you, fucktard. - Cluck you, Amber.
Cluck? Say "fuck," you loser. Get-- No!
- Don't touch me. - Let go!
Mom!
Shut up--!
Dude, what did she say?
Wait. Why we doing the dance? Why we doing the dance?
What happened? The Cam-Cam dancing?
She said yes. Well, technically, she said "why not."
But you know what, I asked her out on a date, she said yes and it's a "date" date.
It's a motherfucking "date" date. You're doing the "date-date" date!
Gonna get his dick all wet.
- What am I gonna wear? - Not that.
- Why? It's just Cameron. - It doesn't matter, Pancake, who it is.
You can't keep dressing like Tracey Gold.
- Do you wanna borrow my new vest? - Maybe.
No. No. Look.
I rummaged...
...through my aunt's closet...
...and she's a divorcée, so she's really lonely.
But she dresses like she's 20, even though she's 30.
Look, right?
- I like that. - Feel it. It's like half-silk.
- So, what are you guys gonna do? - I was thinking dry hump.
Oh, God, no. She meant, where you guys gonna go?
Oh, we're going to the movies.
Forget dry hump.
- Hand job. - All the way.
Hold on till I absorb some heat.
Some added tang might please you too.
I'll slide into an oven—fresh bun...
...and I'm ready for your eating fun.
Why don't you try a juicy—good hot dog?
Delicious.
- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?
Smoking is not permitted in this auditorium.
My bad.
- How am I doing? - You're doing really good.
I thought so. I felt some pre-cum.
I was worried I was gonna have to spit on my hand...
...but you seem to be progressing quite nicely.
No gum—chewing. No necking and no talking.
Why'd you stop? What?
Excuse me.
Chip, you're in deep shit. It's been two weeks.
- Is Mom home? It's a medical emergency. - No. Bye.
- Wait. - What?
I need your expertise.
I'm listening.
Okay.
- So I'm giving a guy a hand job-- - Now? Gross. Get off the phone.
No, not "now" now. He's in the theater.
You left him? You're gonna give him blue balls.
You'll make him sterile. Finish him off.
Ship. But I don't know how.
There's a weird extra skin. Doesn't look like it did in health class.
What? He's not circumcised? What are his parents, like hippies?
- I don't know. Will you just help me? - All right. Calm down.
This is what you do with the pig in the blanket.
Everything okay? Did I do something wrong?
- No. - Are you sure?
Is that butter?
Do something.
- Do you want me to touch you? - No.
I paid $5 for this. Okay? They're ruining it.
I love you.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
My, oh, my.
- Make sure you get more SnackWells. - I got it, honey. Number one on the list.
- Good morning. - Hi, honey.
Amber. Mother. Why are some men not circumcised?
Oh, come on. It's 9 a.m.
I think the better question is, why are men circumcised at all?
Now see, most boys become circumcised at birth, right when they're newborn.
Some parents do it for religious reasons...
...others do it because they feel it's more hygienic.
But the uncircumcised penis, see that? See that turtle neck there?
- Mom. I'm eating. - You should see this too.
You're getting married. That cow neck--
- There? - That is very, very sensitive.
And now if you remove that...
...then you're actually reducing a man's sexual pleasure.
- That's terrible. - Isn't that awful?
- Does it hurt? - That's a good question.
- What's a good question? - Did it hurt when you got circumcised?
- I'm late for work. - No coffee?
Bye, Daddy.
Hey, let me get that for you.
Thanks.
It's the least I can do. Watch your step. You look fantastic.
Miss Chardine. You little minx. Come here, you. Let me take that.
- Thanks. - Someone's using her Ab Roller.
Let me tell you something, ladies. Men have a one-track mind.
Flash a little skin and they're like putty in your....
Like you're a car. I'm gonna fill you up with oil...
...or put it all over your body.
No, Willy, I got this.
This will do.
- New suit? - What, this old thing?
No cuts.
- Ready to rotate? - Sure.
Might wanna put your top back on first, though.
Oh, my God.
Well, if it isn't the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
You guys, give it back.
I'm the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
- You guys, give it back now. - You look like a little boy.
Oh, my God. I have bigger boobs than you.
Bet you didn't see that one coming.
Women in Europe go topless all the time. So deal with it.
- But they have boobs. - Big deal.
What, Jenna, your kids never seen tits before? What?
- That chick is crazy. - Yeah, I know what you mean.
I like it.
What do you mean, you like it?
Dad, guess what.
Good, that's it. There you go.
Just blow little bubbles.
Little itty bitty bubbles?
- Fine. - I can't swim. You're killing me.
- I can't swim. - You're in four feet of water.
God, you're such a jerk.
You're right, I'm a jerk.
You still have no tits.
- Relax. - Okay.
If you keep tensing up, you're gonna sink.
Hey, look at that.
Hey. Hey, I'm floating.
- It's weird, huh? - Yeah.
It's like the minute you give up control...
...you just know what to do without doing anything.
Thought about taking your own advice?
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but, you know...
...sometimes you can be super bossy...
...and totally annoying and, you know, kind of a bitch.
You should take it down a notch. Or 12.
I'm sorry.
- I don't mean to come off that way. - See, that was really good.
It's, like, you were sad and I started to feel bad for you. Are you crying?
No. God, you just called me a bitch.
See, now you're starting to bum me out again.
Yo, butt munch. You want that ride or not? Let's go.
Coming, Amber.
Willy, this is Amber, my sister. Amber, Willy, my boss.
Hey. Amber Klark. No way.
I was a senior when you were a freshman.
I thought you were the custodian.
Everybody thought I was the custodian. So you guys are sisters?
You two are nothing alike.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- I'm gonna get my stuff. - Hurry up, fucktard.
- I don't wanna miss Home Improvement. - Shut up, Amber.
- You shut up. - Home Improvement. Hey.
- Howdy, neighbor. - I'm not your neighbor.
I was doing Wilson, the neighbor in Home Improvement.
- Whatever. - Could you give me a towel?
No.
I've been wanting to have this conversation with you for a long time...
...but I wasn't sure if you were mature enough to handle it.
I lost my virginity when I was 17...
...with Tucker Brooks.
- You mean, I wasn't your first? - No.
- Was I your second? - No. We met junior year in college.
- Don't be silly. - So where did--?
Where did you and Tucker Brooks do it?
In the vagina, but that's not important.
No, I meant as in a location.
I assume the vagina.
- Beaver Creek. - Like in the back seat of a car?
- Mostly. - I never went to Beaver Creek.
- You didn't? - No, I told you.
- My first time was with you. - But you were so good.
Thanks. I read Penthouse.
Why didn't I think of that?
Look at the afro on this snatch. It's the biggest thing I've ever seen.
Did they not have Nair in the '70s? Why are their boobs so small?
- Because they're real? - Weird.
It's the worst feeling. It's like a tiny boxer is, like...
...boom, one nut, two nut, three-- Just pounding away at your nuts.
What do you think they're talking about?
I don't know. Stupid stuff. Probably about their periods.
How much they like chocolate. Anyway, blue balls is real.
Somebody should do something.
You guys, Rusty just looked at me...
...and then whispered something to Derrick.
What do you think they're talking about?
Hey.
- You wanna keep it? - You want your snorkel back?
- Find out what Rusty's talking about. - Find out what they're talking about.
- Be secretive, and come back and tell us. - Done.
- Pronto. - Fine.
So, Pancake, are you ready to knock "blowjob" off that list?
I think so.
- There's some really good articles in here. - I'm not reading.
You should check out page 47.
It says that if a guy drinks pineapple juice...
...his semen will taste sweet. Isn't that weird?
I'm playing a set at the Koffee Klatch this Saturday. You should come.
I know it's not a big venue like the Moose or anything...
...but a gig's a gig.
- Did you highlight this? - Brandy, you can't swallow.
- Why? - Do you know how many calories jizz has?
You must get so much pussy with that guitar.
Totally. Why else would I play this thing?
Rusty's playing Cats at the Moose on Saturday.
Cats?
I love that musical.
If you drink pineapple juice, she'll give you a blowjob.
You guys want me to get you some pineapple juice?
- Yes. Yes. - Yes. Yes, that'd be nice.
- We have to go to that show. - Hey, Brandy.
Hey, Cameron.
So I would love to take you out this weekend.
Sleepless in Seattle is playing.
I don't know about you, but I love anything with Meg Ryan.
Yeah, it sure would suck to miss that.
- See you later, Pancake. - Bye, guys.
So I'll pick you up at 8?
Laundry delivery.
Whatever.
Don't worry, I washed your Wonderbras on delicate.
I wasn't sure how to fold your G-strings. There's not much to them, huh?
That's the point.
Right. Your lotion smells really nice. What is that, vanilla?
Strawberries and cream. Why are you being nice?
I know how stressed out you are, planning a wedding and everything.
I just thought I should help out my big sis.
God, you know what? It is stressful.
You've no idea how hard it is trying to find a hot wedding dress.
- Everything is ankle length. - I know, right?
So, what are your plans for after this summer?
- I'm marrying Chippy. - I mean for work, Amber.
You didn't go to college for your MRS degree.
Planning a wedding is a job.
Besides, after we're married, Chippy will take care of me.
Amber, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
You can support yourself. You don't need a man to do that.
- Those things really work. - And that's why I don't have to.
Yeah. Like that.
I don't understand why this band is still playing.
Rusty should be up.
I'm gonna find out what's going on.
- Okay. - Cool.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.
I know you're singing, but I don't know who else to ask.
Do you know if Rusty Waters' Acoustic Experience is on next?
Just nod your head yes. Are they on after you?
- Was that a yes? - Get up here.
Oh, my God, Fiona. Oh, my God. Look over there.
No fucking way!
Oh, my God. Who are you?
H i.
Thanks, Boise. Clinton sucks. Perot in '96.
Free Tibet, if you're not too busy.
And also thank you for the opportunity for having me dance.
- Good evening, Miss Klark. Judge. - H i.
- Who are you? - George, this is Cameron...
...Brandy's study buddy.
- H i. - So is Brandy ready?
I'm sorry, I think there might be some mistake.
Classic. Nerd got stood up. I guess nice guys do come in last.
- You can say that again. - George, will you give it a rest?
That was 20 years ago.
- So she's not here? - Oh, jeez, Kirk, come on in.
- Cameron. - It's Cameron.
Who's Cameron?
I'm sure Brandy will be back soon. Just make yourself at home.
"French kiss, make out...
...finger bomb, no skorts...
...hand job Cameron."
What the hell?
Drink up, boys, and follow me.
Why'd they buy us pineapple juice?
I think they're Mormons, bro.
Look at me, guys.
You might be right.
Bass has four strings, guitar has six.
- The bass covers the lower end of the-- - Okay, shut up.
I'm sorry. I just feel so bad for him.
So wet in here.
Are you gonna come in?
Can't. Dyed my hair this morning. Can't get it wet for 48 hours.
Well, that's a shame...
...because a hot shower sounds really nice right about now.
If you ask me.
Oh, senorita, you are so amorous.
Your energy is just electric, you know?
Life on the road is so treacherous, you know?
Never would've thought touring the Pacific Northwest...
...would be so harrowing--
Are you gonna talk the whole time I blow you?
I'm trying to figure this out. I think I have to breathe through my nose.
- Apologies. - Thank you.
I'm a musical wordsmith, honey. Lamenting is what I do.
And telling the troubadour's tale is what I do best--
Showers.
What the fuck?
Brandy. Who's this guy?
Brandy, answer me. What are you doing here?
Open your mouth and answer me.
Did it taste like pineapple juice?
Shut up. Just shut up. I-- You two just stay apart.
You guys over there, you guys over here.
Dude, these are like little girls, all right? What were you thinking?
Brandy, you're being totally, totally irresponsible, okay?
That's some good shit, man. Her dad is a judge...
- ...dude. - What?
This one, her dad's a judge.
A judge? Who do you think you are, Lolita?
I mean, you lured me in, you sought me out...
...and then you lie to me? What's that about?
Oh, that's good.
- I think I just wrote a song. - To the van.
All right.
- That was cool. - Bye. Love your music.
There's a gate right there. I don't know why you--
All right.
Hey, hey, hey. Girls, I'm not done. These guys are 10 years older than you.
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God.
Willy, do you live here? Are you homeless?
Yes, I'm a homeless American. Stop it. I shouldn't be seeing you guys like this.
Brandy, what are you thinking?
What would've happened tonight if I wasn't here?
I think I would've swallowed.
- I'm serious. - I just got that, and that's not funny.
- It's not funny at all, okay? - Come on, Willy.
Let's see how funny it is when I call your folks.
- No. - Okay? Hey. hey.
You guys should be at home in bed, in flannel pajamas...
...not floundering around in your underwear--
I don't know your number. I don't know who I called.
- What a night. - You can say that again.
- What are you doing here? - We had a date.
Or were you so busy with your stupid scam list that you forgot all about it?
Cameron, that's private. Give that back to me.
Cameron. That's private. Give it back.
- You cheat on me? - No. Cheat? We're not even together.
We're not together because I'm breaking up with you.
You can't break up with me, we were never going out.
Brandy, you gave me a hand job. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
No, it's a hand job.
- I told you that I love you. - You meant that?
Brandy, how could you do this to me?
I work with you, I study with you, I fingered you.
At any point you could've told me that you were just using me.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy a hand job again.
Cameron, don't say that.
I'm probably gonna have erectile dysfunction.
Camster.
- It was just a misunderstanding. - Don't touch me.
I hope you get AIDS.
Cameron!
Welcome to Big Bun. Can I take your order?
Cameron wants me to die of AIDS.
And can I get a milkshake?
- Come on, we're waiting here. - Shit. All right, man.
I cannot believe he is letting a hand job come between our friendship.
He should be happy that you jerked him off.
- Especially with his condition. - Yeah.
I didn't know he "like" liked me. How am I supposed to know?
I'm not a mind reader. I'm not a gypsy.
- Do you, like, "like" like him back? - I don't know.
It's Cameron. I don't think about him like that.
But, you guys, he was...
...crying.
- I think I really hurt him. - Dude, he's just being a little baby.
Guys mess around and girls just have to put up with it?
- Yeah. - It's bullshit.
When I sprained my ankle in gym class...
...Duffy square danced with, like, three other girls.
- He did not. - I had to sit and watch.
Oh, my God. You broke up three years ago. Get over it.
It still hurts, Fiona.
It's like Gloria Steinem says, "You're either the virgin or the whore."
Well, you know what?
One of those sounds a lot funner than the other one.
Yeah. The whore.
Maybe this whole scam-list thing was a stupid idea.
No, you can't give up now. You worked too hard to get to this point.
- You can't back out now. - Think about all you've accomplished.
You've gotten more action this last month...
- ...than your entire high school career. - That's true.
You're right.
I deserve to get fucked by Rusty.
She made a scam list?
A list of sexual experiments to do with guys.
She used me, man.
Like she could just jerk me off without ever even committing.
That is terrible. Any old guy?
Oh, he's such a dick, he's such a dick.
- No, he's not a dick, Duffy. - He is.
- No, he's like one of my best friends. - I know. Me too.
You have to believe me, I didn't mean to hurt him.
- I know you didn't. - Why would I do that on purpose?
- You would never. You're an angel. - He told me he wanted me to die.
- He's a meanie. He's a dick. - He's not a dick.
But don't worry, Duffy's here to make it all better.
Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?
Duffy. Duffy, stop.
What? I just invited you over to make you feel better.
What's on your neck?
Nothing. Just a little hickey that...
...Kitty Randall gave to me when we dry humped the other night.
What's dry hump?
It's actually kind of complicated. I'd have to show you.
- Okay. You can show me. - You're just gonna let me hump you?
Yes.
It's all right. It's all right.
My mother's cats. Mother's cats.
- I'm sorry. - I'm still hard. Let's keep going. Oh, yeah.
- You've never done this before? - No.
- Feels so good. - Yes.
- Shut the fuck up. - No way, dude.
We dry humped last night all over my room.
- She's writing a sex manual or something. - Sex manual?
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, you got plans tonight?
I don't know, Derrick. Do we have plans tonight?
Sure.
You're so funny.
Walk me to my bike.
I did not say anything.
- Hey, where you going? - I need some air.
But it's an outdoor pool.
I need air.
Welcome to Big Bun. May I help you?
Double order of fish sticks, a large RC Cola...
...and would either of you like to go out on a date?
- I will. - Sisters before misters.
What? Come on, give me a break. Brandy doesn't own Cameron, okay?
And she said herself that she doesn't, like, "like" like him.
So it's an open playing field.
I've never been with someone who wasn't circumcised...
...and I wanna see if it's as gross as she says.
I can hear you.
Hello? Hello?
Fiona, I can see you right now. Is every woman in this world--?
You know what? Forget it. Forget it.
Stupid car won't work.
Let me get this straight...
...you wanna go down on me?
Yeah, because I just got dumped because I suck dick at eating pussy.
I just thought that if I practice...
...then I could keep it from happening again.
It's a lot harder than you think. I don't know.
You know what? Forget this. Forget it.
You had me at "eating pussy."
Right. Okay.
Up a smidge.
Okay, down a tad.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, right there.
- It's not working. - Yeah, it's working.
- No, it's not. - Yeah, it's really working.
No, it's not. My video won't play, Derrick.
Was that good?
- Is the TV on channel three? - Yes.
- Well, make sure it's set to VCR, man. - Okay.
- What you doing? - Looking for my keys.
You need some help? I mean, I can always help.
- No. - I know, buddy, I know. Just get out.
All right, guys.
- I thought we were alone. - Who, Benji?
He doesn't count. He believes in monsters and shit.
- He's not a person. - Okay, fine.
- Mitchell residence. - Hello, Mr. Mitchell, it's Brandy.
Is Cameron there?
Yeah, I'm sorry, he's in his room with the door locked...
...and he's listening to Sarah McLachlan.
- That bad, huh? - Yeah. I would tell him you called...
...but we're not saying your name around here.
Got it. Thanks anyways.
It's a three-day rental, so we can watch it again tomorrow if you want.
I'm glad you talked me into this.
- So excited for Beaches. - Me too.
Guys, I brought Kleenex and stuff, just in case we get emotional.
- Yes, Wendy, we know. - What's after "titty fucked," cunni-what?
- Cunnilingus. - What is that?
It's when a man stimulates the female genitals with his mouth.
No shit. So Derrick ate you out?
Yeah. I prefer "cunnilingus," though. "Eat out" reminds me of fast food.
- Look at you. That's a step away from sex. - Yeah, I know.
We should celebrate by watching Beaches.
So...
...now that you're like hooking up with all these different guys...
...is it cool if I go out with Cameron?
- What? Cameron asked you out? - He asked me out too...
...but I said no because you're my best friend...
...and best friends don't let boys get between them.
Speaking of that, it's time for Beaches.
Yeah, Beaches.
- Are you pressing the right button? - I think so.
Did you dry hump Duffy?
- What? - Yeah.
- What? - He gave me two hickeys. One and one.
Brandy. You know I, like, "like" like Duffy.
- So? It's not like you're going out with him. - So? What is wrong with you?
- Why are you spazzing out? - Because it's ho's before bros, man.
You don't just go around...
- ...hooking up with whoever. - Whomever.
You're going out with Cameron, so don't be a hypocrite.
Yeah, but I asked you first. That's the difference.
I cannot believe that you would choose a boy over our friendship.
- You don't deserve to watch Beaches. - No, she doesn't.
- Don't say that. - Let's go. Let's watch it at your place.
You guys. It's stuck, Wendy.
- Yeah, thanks, I can see that. - Take it. Let's go.
- Don't take my VCR. - Come on.
- Wait. Come back. - You better hope that tape isn't ruined.
- Fiona, come on, don't be-- - No, I'm sorry...
...I don't understand you because I don't speak slut.
- Willy, what happened? - Same shit every summer.
Oak Crest Country Club pulls some stupid prank on us.
- It's an initiation for their new lifeguards. - I can't believe they did that.
You were here all night and you didn't hear them?
No.
God, man, Oak Crest, those guys are good.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a big kick in the nuts.
I'll have Rusty and Derrick put it back up when they get here.
What? No, Willy, we need to get them back.
Yeah, we need to get revenge. I mean, real revenge.
- You mean, like--? Like kill them? - What?
I think that's illegal. I know a guy with a gun--
No, I mean like we need to get them where it hurts.
Come on, you're our boss, our leader.
This is your pool. If not you, then who?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's take a big fucking dump on Oak Crest.
Let's get those fuckers.
Hey, Bernadette. What's the plan?
We're gonna blow this shit up. We're gonna burn it to the ground.
- Rock. - I see it, boss.
It's a fucking ladder, it's gonna make noise.
Go, go, go.
Holy shit. That is a fucking slide.
All right, Cameron. All right.
Nice.
Approaching perimeter. Cameron, what's your status? Over.
He's not talking to you right now. Over. Shit, this thing's hot.
You can't let personal issues get in the way of work. Act professional. Over.
You can't see him, but he's flipping you off right now. Over.
Whatever. Just get into position. Over.
It's fucking scary in here, man. What are you looking for?
Just some sort of knob.
Why do they have all these things in their pool? What does it do?
- We don't have any of these. - How do you not know this?
Come on.
Shit, there it is.
All right, we found it. Over.
On my count, guys. In one...
...two, three.
Oh, yeah. Spin that bitch.
- That good? - How's that?
Guys, you have to see this. Come on out here. Even you, Cameron. Over.
Screw you, Brandy.
Shit, newbie, you are as smart as you think you are.
This is gonna be some serious payback.
- What? - Nothing.
- We doing this? - What?
- Come on. - Yeah.
Yeah, let's do this.
I'll just take my clothes off too.
Take your time.
Why don't you talk to her, instead of being a Grumpy Gus?
- I am not a Grumpy Gus. - Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not. - You wanna hear a riddle?
- Why did Eddie Vedder cross the road? - Why?
To get to the other side.
Hey, hey, hey! Jeremy spoke!
- Who's that supposed to be? - Who's that? That's Eddie Vedder.
- That's not the face Vedder makes. - Have you seen the "Jeremy" video?
I've seen the "Jeremy" video, that's not the face he makes.
That is the face he makes. I get why Brandy wants nothing to do with you.
Fuck you, man. Bitch.
One, two, three.
- Oh, not again. - What is this?
- This thing is like a life preserver. - Jerk. Give it back.
You want it? Too bad. I like you better without it.
I cannot believe you just did that.
Excuse me. Better ask permission next time.
Next time?
Fuck you, Oak Crest.
Busted.
I'm gonna take a shit in their fucking pool, man.
What happened here?
You're gonna look me in the eye and deny all of this, huh?
That doesn't prove anything.
You wrote your name in this? Who does that?
I'm sorry. I'm going to college.
You're supposed to write your name on everything in case it gets lost.
Look, your little prank ruined our filtration system.
- Not our problem. - Well, it's gonna be your problem...
...when I report you to the Parks Department.
Hey, friend? Hey, buddy, don't do that, okay? Please.
Look, the only way I won't call them...
...is if you send a handwritten apology note...
...you promise these pranks stop today...
...and you fire old double-D here.
- No one's getting fired. - Brandy, you're fired.
I'm gonna have to go to Office Max for the other stuff.
Are you kidding me, Willy? I'm your best employee. I taught you how to swim.
- What? - I'm sorry, I can't lose my job.
This is unbelievable.
All summer everyone's been telling me to loosen up and relax...
...and not think so much and....
Well, fuck that.
And fuck you too.
- Want a beer? - No.
Oh, come on, don't look at me like that.
Honey, can I speak with you?
This whole thing has been so painful.
Cameron was crying afterwards.
They always do.
You know, boys are just really more sensitive than they let on.
Your father included.
Which reminds me, don't say anything...
...but I have planned a pretty sexy surprise for us for our anniversary.
Mom, I don't wanna hear about you and Dad--
Having intercourse? Noted.
Honey, listen, as you move forward...
...on your sexual journey, just promise me one thing.
- To have fun? - To use lube.
Doesn't always have to be painful.
I wish my mother had given me lube when I was your age.
- Where exactly do I--? - In the vagina, sweetie.
Thanks, Mom.
I got it.
Boise Pool.
- Rusty Waters, please. - Brandy?
Yes. Rusty, please.
Rusty, it's Brandy. She wants to talk to you.
Hey, newbie. Heard you got fired. That sucks.
Yeah, I know. It'll be tough explaining the employment gap in my résumé...
...but anyway, would you like to go out with me?
Why not? I'll pick you up after work.
- Cool. - Cool.
Very cool.
What'd he say?
- Yes. - He did?
Yes! He said yes. Technically, he said "why not."
But who cares about semantics.
Because Rusty Waters said yes to me, Brandy Klark, and we're gonna--
Brandy, are you trying to do the Roger Rabbit?
- Yeah. - That's not the Roger Rabbit.
This is the Roger Rabbit.
Maybe the Running Man would be easier for you.
Shit.
- So you're taking Brandy out, huh? - I guess so.
Awesome. Good for her. Still working on that sex manual.
- Yeah-- What? Sex manual? - Oh, you didn't know?
Dude, check this out.
She's writing some sort of sex encyclopedia or something like that.
It's like she can do whatever and it's research. It's awesome.
She wants to have, like, a good orgasm, and, like, it's such a mature quest.
- Did you know about this? - No.
You learn something new at the pool every day.
- I look-- - Good enough to fuck.
I wasn't gonna put it that way, but....
- Does it hurt the first time? - Not if you chug a beer...
...and use the lube Mom gave you.
- She gave you the lube, right? - Yes. That was weird.
But helpful.
Hey, are you okay? I noticed you stopped eating your SnackWells.
Chippy cheated on me. With strippers.
- You gonna call off the wedding? - I want to, but he won't call me back.
Word of advice, don't fall in love.
- Getting your heart broken fucking sucks. - Yes, so I've heard.
- Okay. - Hey, have fun popping your cherry.
I will.
And I want you to know that...
...I wouldn't be having sex tonight if it weren't for you.
- Really? - Really.
Thanks, Brandy, I really needed that.
What's it gonna feel like? I'll figure it out.
Enjoy your penis.
Here you go.
You want another one?
No, thank you. One is my limit.
Hey, look, there's....
There's something I really wanna ask you.
Shoot.
Can I kiss you?
I know you can kiss me, but may you kiss me?
- What? - Forget it. You can definitely kiss me.
Cool.
Shit, I'm coming, all right?
- Hey...? Hey, is Brandy here? - No.
I think she might be in some trouble and I need to talk to her.
Can I wait here? Is that cool?
You got a dick under that poncho?
Why?
Maybe we should get a condom.
Good idea. Last thing we need's a baby, right?
Or AIDS.
- I need to tell you something. - It's okay.
I know you're a virgin. I'll be gentle, okay?
No, not that. I mean, I am a virgin, but....
I wanna be on top.
It'll increase my chance of orgasm by 40 percent.
Those are some good odds.
- You good? - Yeah.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- Did you just--? - Yeah. Didn't you?
- Have an orgasm? - Yeah.
No. That was like less than a minute.
Shit.
- You've gotta be kidding me. - Look, I usually last like way longer.
You just really got me, like, riled up, okay?
Just please take me home now.
Look, if you just wait like two minutes, like, he'll be ready to go again.
I think I just saw Brandy.
Oh, no. I'm certain that's not Brandy.
Brandy's with Cameron and he drives a Ford Festiva.
- Why are you certain she's with Cameron? - I gave her the lube and--
You gave her the lube? You had your talk with her, didn't you?
Of course I did. If I waited for you to do it...
...she would be 40 before she has her first orgasm.
This is really decent of you. It's cool of you to do this.
- Stop talking to me. - Okay. Sorry.
You're just doing me a real solid, that's all.
I might look like a rock star, but I'm really a pretty traditional type of guy.
You know, like a missionary type of guy.
Like a good old-fashioned me on top, you on bottom.
Not like this crazy-- You're super aggressive. I mean, come on.
Look, I'm a pretty sensitive dude, all right? I'm a meat-and-potatoes type of guy.
You jerk!
- Cameron? - Jerk face.
Cameron, calm down. Please calm down.
No, I will not calm down. Did you make love with him?
Yeah, dude. We did it. Put the meat right in the taco.
- Get off me. - Oh, yeah.
I can't believe I was so stupid.
I get it. It's not having sex that's a big deal, it's this.
All these feelings and emotional crap.
That's why it's better if you leave feelings and shit out of it.
Feelings are everything, Brandy.
Why don't you wait until you've done it once, virgin?
Then you'll see that sex isn't such a big deal.
- How do you know I haven't had sex? - Look at you.
- Look at you! - Hey, stop it. Stop it.
You're animals. And you are wrong.
- Yeah, you're wrong. - Feelings matter.
And having sex with the right person is a big deal.
Cameron, come here. Look, I owe you an apology.
People talk about sex all the time like it's no big deal...
...but when you haven't done it, when you're a virgin, it is a big deal.
And I think the list was me trying not to mess up.
But I did mess up.
I messed up when I hurt you. And I'm really sorry.
Well, I still can't believe you chose Rusty over me.
- Dude, I'm standing right here. - Shut up, Rusty.
You wanna go, Growing Pains? You retarded Zack Morris.
- Rusty, shut up. - Both of you shut up. Both of you shut up.
Cameron...
...you are super nice and cute...
...and kind and reliable.
You're the kind of guy a girl would love to be in a relationship with.
- Will I regret messing that up? - Probably yes.
No. No. I'm a teenager.
Teenagers don't have regrets.
That's for your 30s.
And, Rusty, Rusty, Rusty.
You are superhot and ripped...
...and you play the guitar and I can't believe I had sex with you.
Am I gonna regret losing my virginity to you?
Probably. Most girls do.
No. Definitely not.
You are gonna be an awesome story to tell my friends.
All right.
Speaking of which...
...that is where I should be right now.
With my friends. Not here.
Carry on, men.
You're animals.
Oh, ship.
Put a vibrator in her stocking, for God's sakes?
No, I was saving it for her birthday.
- I'm coming, honey. - Wait.
Just because you have lube, doesn't mean you have to use it.
Wait. George. Wait.
I'm really-- I'm there.
- Amber. - Dad!
Dad? Hey. Hey, Mr. Klark. Hey, I'm Willy.
- Judge. - Judge, that's right.
- Judge Klark. - You're a fucking judge.
Hey, look, I'm Brandy's boss at the pool and....
She's a great girl, by the way. And so is this one.
You've raised two amazing, amazing daughters.
I want you off my house and out of my daughter!
- Dad, gross. - You know what I mean.
- Anything else I can do for you, sir? - Right now!
- I just did it. - Amber.
- Mom. - That's not Chip.
No shit, Mom. Get the fuck out of my room!
No, leave it. Just leave it. Finish up, please.
I'm the one who won't live to see my daughter grow into a woman...
...who won't be able to protect her from the world.
And I hate it. I hate that she'd rather be with you, who has energy, who is fun.
You told me to play with her.
I know I did, but I didn't know it was gonna make me feel like this.
Okay, you know what? You can't handle this. I'm turning it off.
- No, I can handle it. - No, you can't. Look at you, you're a mess.
What the hell are you doing?
I don't want her here.
She said she doesn't want you. Get out.
Okay, Jesus, stop. What's wrong with you?
You think you can start singing and we're gonna forgive you?
It doesn't work like that, okay?
Wendy.
- Fiona. - I don't know the words.
- Yes, you do. - Yes, you do.
That was super gay. Oh, my God.
Don't tell anyone we did this. I'm serious.
- I'm really sorry, you guys. - We know. We know.
Also, I fucked Rusty Waters.
- Look at you. - How was it?
Yeah.
It was quick.
Brandy, please tell me you were not getting pregnant tonight.
- Don't worry, she was here. - Don't worry, she used a condom.
Can we please talk in the hallway, Dad?
It's okay.
- Just lie. - I'm sorry.
You're gonna be okay.
Let me just start by saying...
...if you ever need to talk about birth control or rubbers or--
Did you at least use the lube that your mother--?
Dad, I don't wanna talk about that stuff with you.
Thank goodness. Because neither do I. Ever.
I just.... I need to know that you're okay.
Dad, I'm fine.
Seriously.
- You don't have to worry about me. - I'm afraid that's not gonna be possible.
Because you're my daughter and I love you.
Now, please go back to playing with your loose friends.
Okay, Dad.
Never thought I'd see you on the guard stand.
- Well, hello. - H i.
You can't stay away from here.
I heard that you stopped by my house to save me, so to speak.
I just wanted to come by and thank you.
Yeah, I tried to do the right thing, but I ended up fucking your sister instead.
She's hot. Your dad walked in.
- And my boner did not go away. - I didn't need to hear that, Willy.
I guess I'll be seeing you a lot now that you're hanging out with my sister.
No, we're not going out or anything.
It's not like I didn't try, but she said something like:
"Fish needs a man like a woman needs a tricycle"?
I don't know. Something you taught her.
Hey, speaking of teaching, I never paid you for the swim lessons.
- You didn't think I'd give it to you, huh? - No, actually.
I'm a changed man, Brandy.
And, if you want, if you have nothing going on next summer...
...you wanna come back here to work...
...there's a manager position waiting for you.
- Wait, what? You're quitting? - Yes.
You just learned how to swim. You worked so hard.
Yeah, I know, but I think....
I think getting with Amber made me realize that I could do better, you know?
Your sister's like caviar. You're like cheese.
- Okay. Okay, Willy. - Like sharp cheddar.
I tasted a little caviar and I realized, like, what the fuck am I doing in Boise?
So I'm gonna get out. I'm gonna see the world...
...and I'm gonna better myself.
Well, I respect that. I actually think that's very mature of you.
Yeah. I'm gonna follow The Dead.
You know, Jerry's health isn't doing too well...
...and I'm not getting any younger, so....
Totally making the right decision.
Ladies. Oh, Marce, you're still homesick?
Give it another month, Marcy.
Hi there. Cameron.
- It's been a while. - I know.
- You never returned my electronic mail. - Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I just.... I think I needed some time.
I understand. And I'm sorry too. That night was really crazy.
But I'm glad that we, like, never had sex.
I think it would've confused our friendship.
I know what you mean.
- You do? - Yes.
- Really? - I did it. I had sex.
My roommate and I went out, a drunk senior came up to me and said:
"You a freshman?" I was like, "Yeah."
Next thing you know, I'm losing it on the bathroom floor.
- She just up and took it. - She just up and took it.
Yeah, but all that to say, I just want you to know...
...that I know what you meant that night.
That sex is a big deal, but it's also not a big deal.
Don't get me wrong, it's a big deal, but it doesn't have to be such a big deal.
No, it doesn't.
I guess what I mean is, sometimes sex is just sex.
Yeah, sometimes sex is just sex.
Little circles. Little circles.
Wait, I have an idea.
Oh, my God. Yes. Cameron, it's happening.
Cameron, it's gonna happen.
- Hey, they're doing a clambake with-- - Dad?
I said, not the back door.
There's doors we don't do. The back door's one of them.
We went over this.
Good job, Cameron.
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