Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
And last but not least, to Susan "The Steamroller" Purtree
for putting this all together.
And now, finally, at long last, as some of you may be saying,
it is my honor, my privilege, my personal pleasure
to present to you the man of every hour,
University of Perth's own Professor Edgar Solomon.
Hear, hear!
Thank you. Sincerely.
A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit,
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"it's really quite rare,"
so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
There once was a lady named Dot...
who lived off of pig shit and snot.
When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese...
that she grew on the sides...
of her twat.
Oh, my God.
Are you all right? You OK?
- I'm so sorry. - OK.
Edgar? What are you doing? Oh, my...!
Stop!
- Hands over your head, sir! - Just one moment.
Please, sir, don't reach in your jacket!
I'm calling on behalf of AAMQ debt acquisitions,
regarding the balance on your LBF Platinum card...
This is an attempt to collect a debt.
If you do not pay your outstanding bill...
your power will be cut off by noon Friday, July...
Hello? Hi, I'm here. And I might be able to pay you today.
I think I'm about to get some good news.
- I think you're gonna get it. - Oh, stop jinxing it.
- It's unjinxable. You got it. - Stop saying that.
- Too bad. - Just tie my lucky tie.
Senior sales representative.
Honey, when's the last time Kopeckny asked you in for a meeting one on one?
- Never. - So there.
If I get this promotion, we are so going on a honeymoon.
Who needs a honeymoon? After this weekend we'll be married.
You'll ask, "Where's the remote?"
But I mean like a husband asking his wife where is the remote.
- Thank you. - Hey.
- Yes? - What about the kid?
The kid.
Geez.
All right. Senior sales representative, here I come!
Sir, I'm just trying to understand.
You're firing me?
I made more sales than ever last month.
And you're still not producing. What does that tell you?
Explain to me what happened yesterday.
I made the sale.
The woman was interested in the gold plan.
- You talked her out of it. - Wh...
You talked her out of the gold plan.
I sold Ms. Palmer a policy that was appropriate to her age and income.
I didn't feel like I should take advantage... of her.
That's what we do here?
- We take advantage of people? - No. No, not at all.
- That's not what I meant. - I got it.
- Sir... - No, I got it. I do, really.
We shame you. You're too pure for this job.
Please, I cannot lose this job right now. Sir...
My brother is mentally disabled, and if I lose this job,
I'm going to lose my insurance. And if I lose my insurance,
I'm not gonna be able to afford his outpatient care
and they're gonna re-institutionalize him.
Sounds like you have a lot of people depending on you.
You got this brother.
You're getting married, having a baby.
Yeah.
You realize the same things that make you a lousy salesman
are going to fuck you up as a father?
Or a husband, for that matter.
I mean, you're marrying this girl.
She's marrying someone who refuses to get his hands dirty,
who lacks the balls
to ever really lay it on the line for her or her child.
If you think I'm being unfair, tell me to go to hell.
Like a man. Huh?
Mm-mm-mm...
Vince... get him out of here.
No, no, no. OK, 'cause...
they'll send me back to Bayview.
And I can't go back to Bayview. They lock the doors on you at Bayview.
- I know. - Then you have to say a promise to me,
that you promise me I don't have to go back there.
Like, "I promise," well, "I promise you, Michael,
you don't have to go back there to Bayview."
You have to say that to me. You have to promise me.
OK.
OK. You take the elevator and I'll take the stairs
and I'll meet you like in five seconds!
I know it's only a day away, but is there any way
to move the rehearsal dinner into maybe a smaller room?
The Cypress Room's already our most economical.
There's a number of affordable motor inns all along the highway.
No! It's just, things have come up.
- I have to take this. - Hello?
Dad, why didn't you show me this?
I could've at least been looking for a place for you!
What kind of nigger paradise do you think you're going to move me into?
I'm not gonna live among Bantus.
I'm gonna have to move in with you. We both know it.
- Dad. - Oh, I know. I'm a blight.
This is why you should have made more money.
You sealed all our fates when you settled on a liberal arts major.
Mythology and Folklore. What the fuck were you thinking?
- If I just had more time. - You had 15 years by my count.
Fifteen years to find something you were good at.
By the time I was your age, I'd amassed a fortune so huge,
it took decades of dedicated self-destruction to wind up like this.
Dad, you know we already have Michael living with us...
- Leave me alone. - And the baby on the way.
My bowels are finally moving. Let me savor these last little victories.
Your father despises me, Elliot.
Shelby, I know how hard this is gonna be on everybody. I know that.
Then why did you tell him yes?
Hey, Ellie, do you remember when Dad would always...
was always saying he was going to have a man
from the orphanage to come and get us?
And we never knew why that was going to be a punishment
to get to live away from him. Do you remember that?
Yeah, I remember.
Well, that's not even an option anymore.
Do you remember Deborah, who lived across the street, Ellie?
Well, I wonder if she's still alive. She's probably still alive, Ellie.
She wouldn't be that old. She'd be maybe 57 now. That's not that old.
Ellie, can you give me a ride to Joe Burger? I took my pill.
OK? I just... I took my pill already.
Well, I can't go back to Hot Dog Castle right now
'cause things just got very unpleasant there.
OK? Well...
- Don't go faster, Ellie. - I won't.
- Just don't do that. - I won't. I'm not.
Just stay there.
Well, yeah, because he knows that Marisol likes me
and there's sometimes when she is at the counter,
we'll make... we'll make eyes at each other sometimes.
Is that what people say, to "make eyes at each other"?
- Yeah, it is. - Yeah, to make eyes. Well...
I think that Shelby is like Mom.
When she was alive, she was poor.
You don't think about that, but they were.
Dad didn't make his money until later
and he didn't start to be mean until later. So, yeah.
Bye.
What the fuck?
- Hello? - Mr. Elliot Brindle?
- Yes? - Congratulations.
You have been selected for the opportunity
to take part in a one-of-a-kind game show!
- Uh, look... - Of a long list of candidates
in financial need, you have been chosen to compete for a fantastic cash prize.
I think you may have dialed the wrong number.
Elliot Brindle, age 32.
Your mother was killed in a car accident when you were nine.
Ever since, you've felt responsible for your brother,
whose outpatient care cost you $1,200 a month.
Add that to $90,000 in student loans and credit card debt,
- no wonder you have trouble sleeping. - Who is this?
You always mean well, but follow-through has often been a problem.
Like today, you somehow were unable to protect your fiancee
from having a vindictive old racist move in with her.
- What do you want? - You can't honestly even say
you put up much of a fight on that one, can you, Mr. Brindle?
OK, I'm gonna hang up now.
And at this moment, you are being defeated by a fly.
Don't be alarmed, Mr. Brindle.
All that matters is the challenge I put before you now.
Swat the fly.
If you kill the fly, $1000 will be instantly
credited to your Nola Bank account number 5366286.
Shit.
If you wish to proceed, we have another challenge for you,
no more complicated than the first. Are you ready?
- Swallow the fly you just killed. - What?
If you eat the fly, $3,622 will be credited
to your account, exactly what Shelby owes on her MasterCard.
That would be a nice wedding gift for her, wouldn't it?
Well done. You have completed challenge two.
$3,622 has been credited to your Nola bank account.
Jesus. You're watching me now?
You can have your privacy back right now, if you like.
But I must tell you, great wealth is within your grasp.
Thirty-six hours from now, you can be a very rich man.
All you have to do is complete 13 challenges.
You've already completed two, so only 11 more to go.
Please make sure you are alone, entirely alone,
as I relate to you the rules.
There are 11 more challenges.
For each one you complete, the cash prizes will grow in value.
If you complete challenge 13, you will claim a life-changing fortune.
Our last winner took home 6.2 million.
Six point two million dollars?
If you fail to complete a challenge,
the game will end and you will lose everything,
including any money you have won to that point.
There are two other ways the game can end.
One, tell anyone you are playing the game.
Two, attempt to contact or in any way interfere with the game.
- Why me? - Everything will be revealed to you
at the appropriate time.
If you understand the rules and wish to continue,
please press one to register your entry.
- Otherwise, press two, end the game. - El?
Mr. Brindle?
Did you just slam the door in my face?
No.
- Congratulations, Elliot Brindle. - Elliot...
You are now a registered contestant.
Now, please, face forward and say,
"I will dance with a golden toad."
- I will dance with a golden toad. - Excellent!
Get a good night's sleep, and in the morning,
be sure to wear a comfortable pair of walking shoes.
Who was that?
- It's a surprise. - Hm.
Everything will be revealed to you at the appropriate time.
OK. Mm-hm.
Now, back to bed.
You know, when Shelby was little...
Mom!
she used to always go on about the wedding she was gonna have,
and it always got bigger.
By the time she was 12,
she was riding in at the head of a parade of elephants...
- attended by six eunuchs! - I've since amended that.
Give me one second.
- Hello? - Good morning, Mr. Brindle.
This is challenge three of 13.
For $5,000, make a child cry.
- What? - You have five minutes.
- What? - We wish you luck.
Elliot?
- Everything OK? - Yeah.
- And now I gotta urinate. - Right.
I'll just post it on Facebook.
We can put out a proper press release later.
Hey...
- Your mommy doesn't love you. - Yes, she does.
They don't want to let you know, but the man from the orphanage
is coming to take you away.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is.
That's what they're talking about right now.
It's because of what you did.
Mommy! Mommy!
I'm so sorry!
- What's the matter? - What's wrong, sweetie?
OK, so we're off? Let me get that.
- OK. - Thank you.
- I got it. - Bye, Dad!
If you want, I can just go pick my dad up myself and drop you off at home.
- Are you trying to get rid of me? - No.
We're not even married yet, and it's already started?
- Women, right? - Hey!
What the...?
How fucking dare you! What kind of a pervert are you?
- Stop the car! Stop the car! - Sick, twisted...!
- Whoa! Baby, stop, stop! - The fuck is wrong with you?!
Fuck you!
He's right there.
- I'm not loving this new ringtone. - I'm sorry.
This next one is worth $10,000!
Challenge four of 13.
We'd like to draw your attention to a nativity scene.
Handcrafted in darkness by the children of the Chabert Home for the Blind.
- Hey, Bill, you ready? - Yeah, I'm fuckin' ready.
What do you think? I gotta piss like a racehorse.
- OK. - We wish you luck.
You can't be serious.
The baby was a miscalculation.
Elliot's already collapsing under the weight of it.
You'll get tired of propping him up.
Years go by,
and your bitterness will grow in proportion to your ass.
Come here and give me a hand.
With my zipper, please.
My arthritis.
Fuck.
I'm wondering what Elliot's told you about his mother.
He told you I was driving?
- He told you that, at least. - Uh-huh.
- I know he thinks I was drinking. - Were you?
I was in a hurry. I was a busy man in those days.
Things to do, an empire to build.
I couldn't slow down for anything.
Least of all a telephone pole.
Fuck!
- Do you hear that? The fire alarm? - Hm?
No, I didn't. Sorry.
- Hello? - Mr. Brindle!
I'm sorry, that was a total accident. I didn't...
Take a breath, and when you're ready to begin challenge five of 13,
follow the unseasonably dressed homeless person across the street.
What's going on?
I'm still working on the surprise.
I'm gonna be gone for a couple of hours.
- Fuck you! - I'm not joking, I gotta go.
If I were a paranoid bridezilla, I'd think you were getting cold feet.
My feet are very warm.
What if, just say, your extremely strange behavior...
you do agree, it's extremely strange...
Yes, definitely.
Well, what if, hypothetically, I decided I didn't find it
as delightful as all that and I seriously wanted to know
- where you're running off to! - I'd just have to hope
it blew over by tonight. I love you!
You're doing great. I know this is taking a little while,
but we're almost done. That should do the beard.
Um, let's move on to the eyes.
Do you think the eyes were bigger or smaller than these?
- What do you think? - Katie? Katie?
- Honey, the guy's eyes? - That's him! That's the man!
- Who? - That's the man who said
that I was gonna go to the orphanage.
It says "wanted."
- What's this? - This is just weird is what this is.
Beautiful back there, claims that this guy came up to him on the street
and offered to trade him an ostrich for his clothes and shopping cart.
- Did he have an ostrich? - He did.
What would a homeless guy want with an ostrich?
He didn't want an ostrich, so the guy sweetened the deal by a thousand bucks.
- And he believed him. - The guy's got an ostrich.
He might have a thousand bucks.
- What do you got? - Ostrich Boy again.
This is from the identikit of the church arson that happened earlier today.
There's security footage, too. I just put Richardson and Dobbs on it.
- I'll go myself. - They just left.
- Call them back. I'll go myself. - OK.
Challenge six for $50,000 is a good deed, for a change.
Upstairs in 6-B lives Mr. Shaw, a lonely man.
- Take him for a cup of coffee. - And?
And there's a diner called Taylor's two blocks from where you are.
Have him there with a cup of coffee in front of him by 4:00.
Mr. Shaw?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
That man is dead.
That man is really dead. You kill him?
Mr. Brindle, this man took his own life.
You see there in that tub what the meek actually inherit.
No. No, I can't. I'm not doing that.
This is not swatting flies anymore. It's a crime. It's desecration.
Dragging a corpse through the streets. Are you insane? Who are you?
Two paths lie before you. One requires a bit of courage
and leads to enough money to settle your debts,
keep Michael safe, and provide your child
everything from a pony to a college education.
The other leads to loveless poverty.
All that requires is you just continue being you.
- You don't know me. - Well...
No, you don't know me. You don't know anything about me!
Maybe you've done research, maybe you know facts, but you do not know me!
You have until 4:00. Mr. Shaw takes his coffee black.
- Hi there. How we all doing today? - Great.
- My name is Jeanette... - He's just gonna have a cup of coffee.
- Black, please. - OK.
- And for you? - Nothing for me.
If you're sitting at the booth, you have to order something.
Well, I'm gonna be going, so...
- I'll have a cheeseburger. - The Bernars burger?
Yeah, that sounds great.
OK. And you get sides with that.
Your choices are baked potato, baked beans...
- Baked beans. The baked beans. - OK.
My name is Jeanette, and I will be taking care of you.
Great. Can you just take care of me? You don't have to explain
any of the procedure or anything. He just really needs a cup of coffee.
Thank you.
she puts in for a transfer, he takes early retirement.
Scoot.
- We ain't gonna fit in this booth... - That's true.
I think so. There you go. Come on, get it...
Wide load.
- I remember. - Right.
- OK. Three regular and one decaf. - Yeah.
Good and hot, fresh pot.
- Sugar. - Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
The hair of the dog.
- Hey, hey! - You got a problem here, sir?
No. Not at all. I, uh...
- I was waiting before you. I'm sorry. - Excuse me?
I, uh...
Why don't we step outside real quick and have a word about this?
- Is that a flask? - What?
- Is that a flask on the table? - I'm gonna need you to step outside.
You know that's not just a code infraction.
In uniform, it's a 306.
My guess is you've never been to a diversion program before.
Make you open up to a shrink like three days a week, and there's group sessions.
They show films about empowerment. There's reading materials, too.
You want your coffee? Please.
No? OK.
Drink your coffee, buddy.
Did you see how it went down back there?
Kudos! We were so impressed by the way you avoided arrest
during challenge six, we've decided, what the hell,
to count that as challenge seven completed as well.
- Thank you so much! - You'll be less pleased to hear
your brother's doctor's office just received an anonymous phone call
alerting them to the fact that Michael would soon no longer be insured.
- What? - His file's already marked for review.
But none of this matters, of course, if you win.
- Who was that? - He said he was a reporter.
What was he asking you?
If you guys had said anything about other things the guy might have done,
the destruction of a sacred place.
He gave you something?
- Yes. - Before the next challenge,
please take out your New Orleans Parish Library card.
My library card?
- I don't have it. - No, you don't.
You dropped it back at Taylor's Diner, where it's been found.
It won't be long till they trace the number to you, if they haven't already.
You're facing at least ten years in prison
for arson, assault, and desecration of a corpse.
But here's the good news.
If you successfully complete all 13 challenges,
we will make all these charges go away.
It's what we do for winners.
Losers, however, are on their own.
Try to think of this in the most positive, empowering way
as a gun pointed to your head.
Mr. Vogler?
Mr. Vogler!
I'm with the police.
I'm not here to arrest you.
You were at the diner today.
You seem to know something about a man I'm looking for.
- I can't trust you. - You saw my badge.
That doesn't mean anything! They got cops working for them, I'm sure!
They?
All right. I'll tell you this, in case you are who you say you are.
If you get this guy in your sights, do not hesitate,
blow his brains out.
Hello.
Hi.
Um...
I'm sitting here counting to ten over and over again on my fingers.
You get used to things, you know?
OK.
- Gum? - No, thanks.
You know, um...
you kinda had this thing in your head and...
but then it actually gets to you.
You know?
Is this your fantasy?
Have you ever done one of these before?
Done what?
You didn't go to Holmes, did you?
Holmes Middle School? Yeah, I did.
Did you have Metal Shop with Fishman?
Uh-huh.
- I'm Elliot Brindle. - That's right.
I'm John Witter.
I was in real estate for a long time.
Made good money.
But I had some reversals.
What's going on here?
We've gone to a great deal of effort to arrange this reunion.
You don't remember Johnny Witter from Mr. Fishman's class?
How he and his brother Tom tormented you daily?
How they held you by the ankles out the computer lab window?
Challenge eight is worth $100,000.
Amputate his right arm just below the elbow.
- No. No way. - It's your right to decline, of course.
But if you don't complete all 13 challenges,
you will forfeit the grand prize, as well as everything you've won.
You should know that Mr. Witter
has quite gladly consented to this procedure.
Ask him.
You want your arm cut off?
Yes.
- Yes? - Just get on with it.
They're paying you.
- He's still awake. - I've given him a local anesthetic.
You have no right to back out of this.
I knew you were gonna pussy out! I knew it!
- Look, I know you are trying to... - You're gonna give me fucking sympathy?
Are you for real? You're fucking sickening.
You know why we always picked on you? 'Cause you fucking asked for it!
You walked around with that stupid look on your fucking face saying,
"Please punch me in my fucking throat."
The day after we threw you in the dumpster,
you passed me in the quad and you smiled at me.
You fucking smiled at me!
My brother pissed on your brother's face.
You remember that? You can't tell me you don't remember that.
I do. I bust a gut every time I think about it.
Now do it! Go on, do it!
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Where's your car?
Did you call my brother?
Did you tell him who you were?
This doesn't change anything. You're still a loser.
You'll always be a loser.
Yeah, well, you've obviously done very well for yourselves.
Got yourselves a nice leather jacket, fancy car.
It's going to be a little difficult for you to put it in gear, though.
Guess you didn't really think that one through.
Thank you.
- We're going to need a report. - Of course.
Sir. Sir?
Dr. Anderson to Maternity, please. Dr. Anderson...
I don't care about your goddamn system!
It's Witter. W-I-T-T-E-R.
I know you have my brother back there somewhere.
- Just a moment. - Get off your fat fucking ass,
- and go find out where he is! - Hey. I'll tell you what
happened to your brother. Just grab a chair.
- What the fuck! - Security!
Oh, oh!
Security!
Elliot Brindle.
You were a challenge.
I can't believe Sergio gave us the grand ballroom. He says we get it all night!
- Elliot's a miracle worker. - Uh-oh! Speak of the devil!
Oh! Well, well, well.
- My man of mystery. - Mmm...
- Hm... You look rather snazzy. - Mmm. So do you.
Where did you get this?
- Aunt Jessica. You look amazing. - Thank you.
Have you told her the story of your Alaskan cruise?
- You gotta hear it, it's amazing. - What?
Have a good night.
- Nice of you to show up. - Yeah.
- Looking good. - You don't have to do that.
I can do that myself. OK?
- Well, you look good. - Thank you.
That one's clean.
What about this dresser?
Check underneath.
Could be a false bottom there.
Got something, boss.
Looks like they're attending their wedding rehearsal dinner
at the country club.
- Boss? - Let's go.
Congratulations.
Challenge ten of 13 is a worth a half million dollars.
All you have to do is wait until you're called upon to give a toast
and then destroy the wedding hall, while singing "The Internationale."
- What? - We're quantifying destruction
in the following manner: At least 75 percent of all ceramic
or crystal objects in the hall must be shattered.
- Bastard! - At least one of the wonderful
floral centerpieces must be urinated upon.
If you're not familiar with the Internationale Communist Anthem,
you will find the lyrics in your left jacket pocket.
You know I was doing this for her.
And it is for her you must soldier on!
You've committed six felonies. Any future with Shelby,
indeed, any future not organized around routine sodomy,
now depends on you completing all 13 challenges.
I first met Elliot two years ago
and I knew right away all I needed to know about him...
that he made my daughter happy.
I already feel you're like a son.
- Son? - Baby.
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Come on!
Shelby, there's a life that you deserve,
and I swear to you I'll do anything to make that real.
Sir?
That gentleman over there, we're gonna need to speak with him.
Got a few questions we need to ask him. I'm sorry...
- All right. Give me a minute. - Yes, sir.
We'll be waiting.
Son?
Park security, they want Michael.
They say he exposed himself to a girl at the tennis court.
I told them you'll talk to them.
- Um, everyone... - Michael?
let's have our drinks outside while we wait for our food.
Shall we? Thank you.
Let's just get the folks outta here.
- What happened? - I didn't touch her or anything.
I just wanted to show her it.
- OK? I just wanted to show it to her. - It's OK.
They'll make me pee in a cup.
I haven't had my pill in three days. In three days.
- It'll be OK. - No. Horowitz will institutionalize him
if he can't trust him to take his meds.
They'll make me go back to Bayview. I don't want to go back to Bayview, OK?
They make me pee in a cup.
Michael, get ready to run. I have an idea.
- Ready to run... - Arise, ye workers, from your slumbers!
- Go home and take your pill. - Sir, that's enough. Sir?
- Elliot! - I'm buying him time.
What are you doing?!
Stay back! We don't want anyone getting hurt!
- Put it down. Let's talk about it. - Stay right there.
Look away.
I said look away... look away right now!
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Easy. - This one's goin' nowhere.
- Easy. - This boy is mine.
Easy!
- Stop right there! - Stop, you son of a bitch!
What the hell are you doing? Open the door.
Mr. Brindle, you did complete this last challenge,
but we've observed you're still far too concerned with what people think of you.
You're still holding back, still clinging to an old image of yourself.
- But I did it. - So you did.
And now challenge 11 of 13
is to open that door and surrender to the security guards.
- What? - So says the golden toad.
A brave arm makes a short sword long.
What am I supposed to do?
Is this a punishment or are we still playing the game?
Guys, hold up. He's comin' around.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Cocksucker!
So... things just got to you?
Oh, I understand how it is.
Things build up, all the shit a person goes through during the day.
All the petty little humiliations.
I have no complaints.
Is it political? Do you have feelings about the government?
Did someone order you to do these things?
I didn't say that.
Tell me about the voice.
What?
I didn't say anything about the voice.
Did it just start telling you to do things today?
How did you know about the voice?
I want it on record I didn't say anything about the voice.
It's probably been there for years.
A little whisper, and then today it became a roar.
- You think I'm crazy. - Is it a pure coincidence
that the voices directing you told you to do
all the dark, secret little things you wanted to do anyway?
What satisfaction did you get
from pushing that old woman down that flight of stairs?
- I didn't do that. - No?
And I guess you didn't burn down the Hindu shrine, either!
No, I didn't do this. I didn't do any of these.
So somebody else was having a bad day, too? There's two of you out there?
I... I...
I need to get out of here. I want a lawyer.
Good answer.
Hm...
- I was just there. - Yeah?
Captain, I'd love it if I could have a moment with him alone.
- Is that so? - That is so.
Hey, hey!
Mr. Brindle, you don't want to do this.
I'm sorry, but I do. I need my cell phone.
- Put the gun down. - Easy, Officer. Easy.
Don't do nothing stupid here.
- Easy. - Thank you.
I need a second, please.
Hold fire.
Watch him, watch him.
- Send 'em around the other side. - He has a hostage!
- Cuff yourself. - Mr. Brindle.
Uh... cover your ears and hum "The Star Spangled Banner."
Talk to us!
So there's another player? Is somebody else playing the game?
There is one other player, yes.
That's a little wrinkle we were going to spring on you later.
- You can't just change the rules! - You knew there were time limits.
Your ultimate time limit is the other player.
If he completes challenge 13 before you, he gets the prize
and you get 20 years for the remarkable stunt you're pulling right now.
- Keep humming! - Mr. Brindle, talk to us.
You should know your opponent is on challenge 11, too. Right there with you.
What? I'm on 12 right now!
This is not a challenge. This does not count as challenge 12.
But you rigged the thing on the chair!
We assure you we had nothing to do with that.
You're doing this on your own.
You don't have a lot of time, Brindle.
OK, I'm doing this on my own.
I've been on my own all day. I've been on my own my whole life!
- Mr. Brindle. - The other guy,
he bust out of a police station, too? No, he didn't.
He did not. But I'm gonna do it. No matter what you throw at me,
I chew it up and I spit it the fuck out!
Shit!
- It's just his foot! - Go, go!
- Move, move! - Get it open!
- I've got a clear shot! - I said stand down!
Back alley!
- Go. Go get him. - Go, go, go!
Brindle...
you gonna make me say "freeze"?
What are you doing?
You think this is a game?
You get shot, that's gonna end the fun pretty quick.
Freeze!
No, I don't know.
Yeah, there's something going on like right down the street.
No, I'm gonna check it out. It's like... Hey!
- Are you there? Are you watching? - What the fuck?
- Why don't you give me my phone! - Just walk away, man.
Walk away.
I know you're watching!
I got a phone! You can call me on this phone!
I know you didn't just happen by. They sent you, didn't they?
I know you're my next challenge! Tell me, what am I supposed to do?
Oh, you just wanna go home. OK, where's your home?
OK, come on, come on!
If you don't want to be found, you can't just switch off your phone.
You gotta take the battery out.
Give us a minute.
So if I were a part of this conspiracy,
why would I be even asking you questions?
Even if you worked for them, they'd probably keep you in the dark.
You probably know a tenth of what I know.
Fair enough, but, um...
in that scenario, you're dead already.
So, why not talk?
But if, on the other hand,
there is a, uh, a one in a hundred chance that I'm a real cop
and you're holding back information
while there's a maniac out there running wild,
well, that would make you an accessory to, uh...
I don't know. Shall we start tallying the charges?
I came home from work one day, and found that my wife had left me...
and killed our dog.
And partially eaten him.
Now, you'll just have to take my word for it,
that was completely out of character.
You see, that's the true objective of the game,
the spectacle of transformation.
To show that anyone can be turned into a monster.
You don't know anything about the game, do you?
You're just an old woman, aren't you?
It's over. I'm so sorry.
You need help? You want me to hang that?
OK.
That's it?
No.
Fuck.
Stop!
Wait! Stop!
Whoo!
That was the easiest hundred bucks ever. Anything else we can do for you?
No...
Wait! Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Don't!
We're back! And we have a very special announcement!
Elliot Brindle, as of four minutes ago, you are a millionaire!
Congratulations.
We've now reached a point in the game where we like to give our audience
the opportunity to ask our contestants a few questions. Are you ready?
Saint Inna 57 says he's very impressed
with how you have grown in these last several hours...
I'm not playing anymore!
It was a game just for someone's amusement, right?
Whose? I don't know.
But sometimes...
Sometimes I think about how few people on this planet
really decide everything.
One percent of one percent.
They are the functional equivalent of gods.
They must get... bored.
How does it end? This game?
Thirteen is the end.
Thirteen never changes.
Some contestants think they can walk away, but it's a snuff shell.
There's only one way those end.
Please be advised to expect delays for the 342 train to New Orleans...
- Excuse me. - Get your hands off me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Did you hear that? Do you have a phone?
Watch it.
- Who has a phone? - Cell phone?
Shit. You crazy?
Hey!
What's your hurry, buddy?
You don't have to do this.
They're killing people. Listen to me. I quit.
You could quit, too.
What are you?
You know, thwarting your opponent's progress
could be interpreted as interfering with the game.
Yeah? What's he gonna do, huh?
What's he gonna do that's gonna top what happened back on that road?
Is he going to crash a plane? Blow up a fucking school?
Thirteen is a bit more intimate than that.
And it's the same for all players, including you.
I told you I'm not playing anymore.
The final challenge is worth four point...
Dad. Dad! You OK?
What happened to you?
I had an eventful day.
You look like you're about to shit yourself.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're here?
You're here, too.
My stomach's upset. I think I ate something that was bad.
- How are you doing? - Michael, what are you doing here?
I thought you said you were gonna go home and take your pill.
Yeah, well, I had to do some stuff.
- What stuff? - Well, I was with Marisol.
- Marisol from the Hot Dog Castle? - Yeah.
What's it mean you were "with" her? Like a date?
Yeah, like a date.
Like people go on to the movies, OK? We... OK?
- What movie did you see? - I don't remember.
- You don't remember? - It's not like science fiction, Elliot,
that I could go on a date with somebody, ever. OK?
What's in the bag, Michael?
Michael, what's challenge 13?
You gotta tell me. What's challenge 13?
You have to... to kill a family member.
That's what they said, to kill a family member.
- Go home, Michael. - Why? Why? So you can win?
No, no, I wanna win. I wanna win something one time!
I wanna win one t...
Michael, I know you've been able to do everything they've asked you
'cause you don't think about stuff.
But you're thinking now, right?
Remember when Dad used a studded belt on me?
Yeah. I remember other things, too.
I remember how he used to dote on you when you were little.
No, I don't remember when I was little!
I remember when I was eight and he hit me with a tennis racket.
So you're gonna shoot him?
Michael. Michael, he hit me, too. Remember when I scratched the car?
It warms my heart a little to see the two of you showing some initiative.
- Did you tell him? - Of course not.
The game's not what it was in my day, I'll tell you that.
Drafting idiots like you.
They turned it into a freak show.
- Jesus. - You played the game?
- I won. - You did all 13?
Thirteen is the tough one.
- Bit of a leap there. - Who did you kill?
She was the only softness in me.
- Jesus! - What is he saying, Elliot?
I'm saying your mother never wore a seat belt.
Michael, wait in the other room.
- Elliot? - Just wait in the other room.
For real?
OK.
That game ruined me.
I had everything before and nothing after.
It poisoned me.
Every cell from that day to this.
But the thing is,
I know that even if I'd had somebody telling me all these things then,
it wouldn't have mattered because I wouldn't have listened
any more than you're listening now.
But there is one thing I can do for you.
Yeah?
- I can keep you from winning. - How are you gonna do that?
Oh... oh... oh...
OK...
Well... what do we do now?
I... I did some things.
Yeah, me, too.
How do I know that you won't do something to me?
Why would I do something to you?
You're my family member, I'm yours. So...
One of us could still win, if we wanted to.
Do you want to?
No.
Let's go.
- What are you doing? - Just getting my bag.
- Mikey, just leave it. - I have to get my pills.
- Why are you doing that? - Just have to get them.
Just zip it up. Just...
Mike! Jesus Christ!
You're gonna be OK.
Press really hard right there. Press right here.
They said I could buy you a wedding present if I had the money.
If I had the money I could...
I just want to win.
One time I want to win.
- I understand. - I'm sorry.
- It's OK. - I'm so sorry!
- Come here. - Ah!
Stop!
- I want to win. - Ah!
Stop!
I'm sorry.
Yeah, the evidence trail is taken care of.
My colleagues have nothing.
Nah, it's pretty much Hamlet in here.
This is a violation of the terms of the agreement.
You are forbidden to interfere with or seek out the origins of the game.
That was explained to you.
Everything's been fixed. No one is after you.
Now, if you'll just back away,
you can still go home a winner.
They'll take the money away.
I'm just an employee. I'm nothing.
You're here.
Elliot! My God! Where are you? Did they release you?
Daddy said they were still waiting to hear about bail,
but when I went to the station, they didn't have any record of your arrest.
What's going on?
I'm on my way home right now.
Everything's been straightened out. I just...
I wanted to hear your voice.
My God. That's all I can think to say.
Yeah.
As if things weren't insane enough, somebody called
and offered me $6,000 to eat a fly.
What did you say?
What did I say?
Are you kidding?
I said fuck off! That's vile.
I mean, could you imagine?
Anyway, I better get a move on.
Oh, and of course there's already another detour we're gonna have to make.
We have to stop at my Uncle Louie's and pick up his camera
because my father, who's so proud of his photography, dropped his camera.
Don't make fun. You know how he gets...
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