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(PIANO PLAYING)
♪ When I was born, I had 1,000 legs
♪ Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage
♪ I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon
♪ And be reborn into the afternoon ♪
(WHISPERS) Good singing! Really good shit!
(WHISPERS) You're not supposed to curse. We're doing a play!
I'm just saying it's good shit.
♪ Deep down, I know I have to turn the page
♪ But I wonder
♪ Will I miss my legs? ♪
I have never ever been so proud.
(THUDS)
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERS) Honey, there's Matty. Oh! Look at him.
Oh, he's a natural performer.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Oh.
Shit!
I don't want to sing anymore.
Watch this.
That's different.
No, no, no.
Come on, come on! Let's get out of here!
Later, motherfuckers!
We'll edit that out. Still proud.
Whoo!
Can't I just go see a nice musical
without it turning into something gay?
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, nothing illegal or unprotected tonight. Promise?
Dad, that's gross.
I'm talking about sex.
Wrap that rascal. Make sure you put a condom on your penis.
Dad.
All right, bye, Dad. Whoo!
That is a damn fine shirt you got on.
You like it?
You might go get a girl pregnant with a shirt like that on.
I usually take my shirt off first, but, you know...
Well, if you meet some nice girls, party them hard.
I will. See you.
DWAYNE: All right, kiddo. Go get 'em.
Yo! Yo, yo, yo!
(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)
BOTH: ♪ Dang diggy ding D-dang D-dang dang diggy
♪ Dang diggy diggy dang dang
♪ Dang diggy ding D-dang D-dang dang diggy Dang diggy diggy dang dang
♪ Dang diggy diggy d-dang Dang diggy diggy d-dang
♪ Watch me doing my thing The b-boy better bring with the gold tooth swing
♪ I'm strange, but I ain't insane, I'm propane in a can Man, I'll blow your brain
♪ I'll burn the whole gang with my flame
♪ And by the end of the song you'll know the names
♪ Just watch me swag And swang and hang, orangutan By my beat Imma bangarang
Ooh! ♪ I keep it fresh, the jet the style that I possess, blessed,
♪ Don't mess with all the rest
♪ I got the gift to gab, I rock, I ball, I rap
♪ I'm shoutin' out from front to back
♪ You got to move your feet And prove to me
♪ You got the beat Reveal your inner freak
♪ We clown around We're countin' pounds
♪ You got to shake and stomp the ground and bounce around
Yeah!
♪ Dang diggy ding D-dang D-dang dang diggy Dang diggy diggy dang dang
♪ Dang diggy diggy d-dang ♪
A shake isn't a sauce, man.
No, see, anything can be a sauce
if you put it on something else.
Open up your mind.
See, those are the kinds of girls we need to be going out with.
What would you say to that girl right there
if she came up to you right now?
Hi. Hello.
You're terrific, appearance-wise,
and I would like to take you out
for a food or beverage situation.
Damn, that's smooth.
Mmm-hmm. Have you been working on your game?
Obviously. It's apparent.
I've been going out with Ava eight months,
and I feel like more of a virgin now
than I did before we started dating
if that's possible.
It is. You're like a super-virgin.
You make other virgins look like huge sluts.
And so do you. And we need to fix that. Dude, we are due.
We deserve adult, mature, grown-up sexual relationships.
Yes.
What toy did you get?
I got Shelley the Crab.
I got the Punchin' Crunchin' Robot dudes. (WHIRRING)
Oh, no! (CHUCKLES) Take him out.
MICHAEL: Hit him with the left. Knock him out. Knock him out!
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
Ladies. GIRL: Dorks.
GIRL2: You're such a bitch.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
I like you a lot. (CHUCKLES)
Especially your body
and the hotness of that body.
You're a class act. Potential wife material.
If we were 45 years old and all dried up and shit.
And that's the problem.
This relationship's not progressing quickly enough,
physically-speaking.
Look at you, and then look at me.
You're beautiful, and I'm just kind of a mess.
Are you breaking up with me because I won't have sex with you?
You call it sex. I call it a physical expression of our bond.
I haven't showered in six days.
Like Indians becoming blood brothers,
or football teammates getting matching tattoos.
Except sex isn't even as permanent as a tattoo.
It's nine minutes, tops.
In and out like a cat burglar.
It's just...
That's what I am to you? A hole for you to go in and out of?
No, no, no.
I value the person built around that hole.
I'm really sorry. (EXHALES)
Okay. I get it.
Are we okay? Yeah? Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Can I get a little hug going on here?
AVA: You can be a real asshole, you know that?
I could get any fucking guy I want!
I'm so much hotter than you! Do you even fucking realize how hot I am?
Not the gummy bears.
Why don't you just go outside and chill out for a sec?
Fuck you, Matty. Why don't you guys fucking blow each other?
It's the most action you're ever gonna get anyway.
How was your breakup?
I can't believe we wasted so much time with those two.
The high school chapter of our sexual lives is rapidly coming to a close.
We need to begin phase two.
We need to get our dicks wet by prom.
Mmm. I don't approve of that language at all.
I'm going crazy, dude. 18 years and nothing?
I don't want to wake up 20 years from now with regrets.
"Hey, buddy, sorry I didn't put you in more things."
Oops. Whoa!
Man! That is a metric ton of weed. Shit!
If we eat that whole brownie, we're gonna immediately grow dreadlocks.
We should go to cooking school and learn how to make real weed cuisine.
I'm talking leg of lamb with a weed reduction sauce or some shit.
Dude.
What! I have a genius idea. We should save this brownie
and eat it as a reward for getting laid at prom.
Okay. So, it's like our pot at the end of the rainbow.
Except instead of a pot full of gold, it's a pot full of pot.
Yeah, I think that was implied with what I said.
Dude, I got it all planned out!
We go to prom, have sex, eat this brownie, be high for a week straight.
Then we go to college. People are gonna be like,
"Those two guys are so awesome they're definitely not virgins."
Yeah, then we move back here, we get dead-end jobs,
we retire, and we fucking die.
If we time it right, we make it a double funeral.
Oh, my God. That's a great plan.
Isn't your dad going to see this?
Oh, he's a pussycat. He'll love it.
And he's got a new girlfriend now, so he's a happy boy.
All right, man, I'm gonna head out,
but I will see you tomorrow at band practice.
All right, dude. All right.
Hey, you want to go for a drive?
Um, I was just gonna go to sleep after finishing this pair of tits.
(MUMBLES)
We should definitely go for a drive.
Yo, something wrong, dude?
No, just going for a drive.
(SIGHS)
All right, listen, man. All this talking we've been doing
about sex, and the future, and the rest of our lives and all that shit
has got me feeling a little guilty.
Why?
Look, you're my best friend. You know that.
And so, I owe this to you.
Yeah, what is it?
I'm a gay dude.
What?
I'm a gay dude.
I'm a gay.
Like "gay" gay? Like "dicks in butts" gay or "retarded" gay?
Like, "Man, Nicolas Cage movies are gay."
No, like "I'm a dude who's attracted to other dudes" gay.
What? No, you're just a dude.
No, exactly. A gay dude.
Fuck. You're all out of shape and shit.
Really? No, dude, I fucking know.
Look, I'm not into curtains. I've never watched the Tonys.
I'm never gonna wear a deep V-neck t-shirt,
but I am gay.
When did you first realize this? Is this a recent development?
No. Fuck, no.
Remember when we were kids, six or seven years old,
we used to give that guy half of our sandwiches
through the chain-link fence at school?
Yeah, that guy was a homeless guy.
Yeah, and I kind of had a crush on him.
You were gay for the homeless guy?
He was ruggedly handsome.
You wanted to fuck a hobo when you were seven?
That's what you're telling me?
That's what I'm telling you, man.
I wanted to feel the touch of his dirty, hobo hands.
This is crazy! You've dated more girls than I have!
I think that's more of a you-problem, to be honest.
Did you tell Em? Did you tell her before you told me?
Yeah. Yeah. Look, dude, she's super-cool.
I don't want to fuck up her life with unnecessary falsehoods.
Wow. Fuck.
You're a gay dude.
Yeah, I'm a gay dude.
Are you sure?
You know what?
Let me think about it for another 18 years, and then I'll get back to you.
Yes, I'm fucking sure, Michael. All right, man!
Well, shit, the whole brownie thing's out the window.
No, I want to eat that brownie.
I probably wouldn't have broken up with Ava without our whole big plan.
She's so hot.
Yeah, and so out of your league.
Dude, have you seen her boobs and her stomach area?
Her stomach is almost as hot as her boobs.
Right? Can you even wrap your brain around that?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a tight stomach.
I don't know what to tell you. It's nice.
No, no, no. Dude, this is fine. It's good.
I get it. You like dicks now. Yeah.
You are a man who aspires to handle
the scrotums of other men in his free time.
Listen, I haven't got that far.
I don't really know how I feel about scrotums.
Look, all I know
is that this has to stay a secret. Yeah.
I'm not ready for the big, gay "coming out" shit, you know what I mean?
Sure, yeah.
And seriously, you can tell me.
Are we cool?
Yeah, dude. You're my best friend, man. Everything's...
It's cool, man. Yeah?
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
MATTY: Hey, man.
I know I dropped a big, fat, fucking gay bomb on you tonight.
I don't know if things ended right or whatever, but...
Look, dude, I don't want shit to be awkward or weird.
Not that it would be.
But you should give me a call when you get this.
(GROANS)
Long, awkward message.
Ahhh! Sorry. Bye.
(SIGHS)
How did they know that dog is gay?
TERRY: Michael, you left your backpack... Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
So, hello, Dad.
How are things?
They're wonderful, son. How are things with you?
Well. They're well. Thank you.
Excellent. I'm glad to hear that.
I'm just gonna set this down now.
Sure. Cool, cool.
MAN IN PORN VIDEO: Oh, Fuck that cock, yeah.
Is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?
No. Nothing at all.
MAN IN PORN VIDEO: Choke on that horse dick. Oh, yeah.
Michael, I want you to know there's nothing
wrong with what you're doing right now.
I'm not doing what you think I'm doing.
It's a very natural urge at your age, a curiosity,
or it could be more than that.
And if it is, I'm 100% okay with that, too.
You don't have to be okay with anything,
because this is nothing, really.
Do you want to talk about it?
No, because this is just a bunch of research, nothing more.
Just non-sexual research.
MAN IN PORN VIDEO: I'm living in your asshole. That asshole is where my dick lives.
Okay.
When you're ready, and you want to talk, I'm here.
I love you, and nothing can change that.
Remember that. I'm proud of you.
MAN IN PORN VIDEO: I'm choking on your cum!
Thanks.
Could you knock before coming in here in the future?
Of course.
Stay strong.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Um, if you need space, you can put some stuff in my locker.
Thanks. There's so much shit in here.
My dad gave me a bunch of his old cameras for a photography class,
but what I didn't tell him is that for my project,
I'm actually gonna take pictures
of these cameras using my phone.
That is so sad for those cameras.
Yeah. Getting old sucks.
Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Sure.
So, Matty told me about the thing.
What thing?
The thing about the gayness in his "pay-nis."
I don't know why I said "pay-nis." That was weird.
Yeah. Well, good. I'm glad he told you.
He needs people around him that he can open up to right now.
People he can trust.
I can be that person.
That's good.
Should I get him a gift or something? Balloons or a cake?
Balloons, probably not. A cake, you should get him a cake.
And you should have it say, "You're gay, and you're fabulous."
Really? No!
Don't make him feel weird about it.
You're right. Nothing has to change.
Are you okay?
Definitely, definitely.
I'm definitely not feeling weird
about losing my best friend to the gay side.
It's all good. Gonna keep on trucking.
We're a couple of knuckleheads.
Take it to the bank, sister. Think about that.
Matty, you're in a band? Really?
Oh, yeah, it's an instrumental TV theme song cover band.
But we don't want to put a label on it.
Smart. Don't let the man tell you who you are.
Did you ever think about adding
the popular part of music, the singing?
Well, yeah.
A little tip. It might help you in the audition.
Good to know.
Michael, do you need a pen?
No, I'm with him.
Oh. Are you really?
Because you weren't yesterday at practice when we needed you.
I called you seven times.
And everyone's like, "Where's Michael?" and I'm like...
Can I just talk to you for a second? Sure.
I'll turn the volume up on this
so we can talk without anyone hearing.
So, you punched the brownie?
That's not like you at all. You love baked goods.
I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
You being gay all of a sudden, without warning,
I was a little mad and confused.
But I thought about the whole thing. I've really thought about it,
and it's cool, seriously.
I even stayed up and fixed the brownie.
I did major structural repairs.
That's awesome, man. Thanks.
It looks even better than before.
I frosted some dicks and butts on it in your honor.
Dicks and butts? (GASPS) You're a great friend.
I'm on board. I want to go on this gay journey with you.
You're my best friend. Nothing has to change.
We're still on a mission. We need to get each other laid by prom.
All right. We need to get these dicks wet, bro!
Or whatever you call it with gay guys.
Get shit on your dick? Get shitty-dicked?
Yeah, there's probably a better term for it.
So, we're doing this, man! I'm gonna get you laid!
You're in, right? I'm in.
There's a lot of fish in the sea.
Lady fish and dude fish, straight fish and gay fish.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
High school dudes are weird.
Yeah, not great.
Holy shit, this is it, the mother lode.
MATTY: Oh, dude, theater kids?
No, I don't think I should talk to them right now.
You have to put your ass out there
if you want to get something put in it.
Dude, I just came out to you.
Do I have to go talk to other gay people immediately?
That's what friends do. Friends wingman each other.
And I hate that word. I think it's stupid,
but it's what I'm gonna do to you, whether you like it or not.
It's not that I don't appreciate it.
It's just that I think that we should...
This is an American tradition.
Having sex by prom is a story told
over and over again by our greatest writers.
Huck Finn, Moby Dick, Ulysses, the Iliad.
They're all about having sex by prom.
No, I don't think they are.
But it feels like they are.
What about you, man?
You're nowhere near having sex with anything anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I can still hook it up with Ava.
Fuck! That guy?
Come on. One of us is gonna make some progress today.
Reflections, the center of Glen Ellen's gay universe.
It's good to be back at a bar.
Did you know that this is one of my top five favorite bars?
Yeah, it is.
Oh. Thank you.
Cool, cool, cool.
This is the only bar in town
that doesn't care how shitty our fake IDs are.
Dude, this is great.
Okay.
No wonder they let us in.
Dude, this is bad. This is really bad.
This is a more depressing version of a regular bar.
That guy over there looks like he's having a great time.
Come on, come on.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Hey, guys. Are you guys new guys? You're probably new guys.
Everyone around here is a regular.
I'd recognize you if you weren't new.
Yeah. This is Matty. I'm Michael. He's gay. I'm not.
I'm Jared, and I'm very gay.
Yeah, we noticed.
Do you guys go to Glen Ellen?
It's cool. I go to Valley Springs. Go Panthers!
But I know the scene there, and you guys totally seem like GHS kids.
Boo Huskies.
Yeah, we go to Glen Ellen.
Awesome.
So, do you wanna fuck later?
Holy shit.
Dude, that guy is ready to fuck right now. What's wrong?
He has a ring in his eyebrow and glitter on his everything.
So? He was too gay.
Don't be homophobic, bro. Come on, what's your type?
My type? I don't know. I don't think I have a type.
Of course you do. Everyone has a type. What is it?
Look, we should just chill out, have a beer, relax.
Can we do that, please? Yeah.
Hi again! Hi.
Hey, Jared, it's gonna be a no for the fucking. Shh.
I'm gonna get some E. Do you want some E? You're gonna want some E.
No, we don't want any ecstasy.
I'll get you some E, and then we'll talk.
Whoo!
E for enthusiasm. Certainly.
This is useless.
You're super-lucky.
When you're gay, you get nonstop sex all the time.
No strings attached. It's amazing.
I'm not gonna just have sex with anyone because I'm gay.
I'm gay. I'm not a whore.
I'm back with your ecstasy, boys!
Jared, we were very specific. We don't want it.
Have you even tried it before?
Oh, my God! Uh-oh. You're really good at dancing.
I don't think I'm dancing.
Jared! Get out of here. Leave those guys alone.
Mr. Vernon? You're here.
Yeah, so are you.
We're all here.
Chris, you remember Michael and Matty from school?
Hey, guys.
Mr. Dennis.
You used to be in my fourth period.
You gave me a C.
So, you're not gonna talk about this to anyone?
Oh, no, of course not.
Though I think it'd be a good idea if you guys went home.
I can't really talk to you while you're underage drinking.
Of course. Yeah.
And it would be nice to keep this quiet
on both ends, if that makes sense.
Totally understand. Yeah.
I really look forward to not making
eye contact with you tomorrow at school.
Dude, Mr. Vernon. I had no idea.
Yeah, and Mr. Dennis. You think they've done it at school?
Come on, man.
By the way, I appreciate the sentiment,
but this is the worst and only gay bar I've ever been to.
(CAR HONKS) (THUDS)
Fuck! What the F?
GREG: Fuck a duck. Oh, shit.
MICHAEL: What were you doing?
I'm driving, man. It's not my fault
that you drive the smallest car in the universe.
What is that? Is that a Diet Kia?
You could have really injured us.
Ha-ha-ho! Ho-ho. You just said "could have."
You've officially acknowledged that no harm has been done. Okay.
This thing is trashed. I'm gonna need a new thing.
Look at this!
This is the time when we get our insurance information.
Um... Uh-uh-uh...
No. I'm gonna go ahead and leave now. Okay?
Dude. Come on! What the fuck?
Yo! Hey! Stop!
You're not gonna run me over.
Be cool.
Let's talk. Chill, man.
I'm totally chill. Super chill. I'm very cool.
You smell like an old tent.
What's wrong with you?
Honestly, I have a Baconator in the car,
and I want to get home and eat it.
What the fuck is a Baconator?
It's a really delicious sandwich from Wendy's.
Dude, just give me your information.
Mike, maybe we should just call the cops.
We can't call the cops. We're underage, and we had a bunch of beers.
Did you just push me? Maybe.
Okay. Then it's gonna be go time.
It's okay. It's just...
(GRUNTING)
What was that, dude? You tripped me?
GREG: Yeah, I did.
You tripped me? Who the fuck trips people?
I do. I took a vow recently that I would stop punching people,
because I was doing that too much.
I'm trying to be less violent in general. So, okay.
He did trip you really well.
I know, dude, but whose side are you on?
(ENGINE STARTS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
All right!
Dude, that was actually pretty dope.
I think we're ready. I think that's the audition song.
Yeah, yeah. Well,
Mike, we've actually been having some
discussions about the direction of the band.
What does that mean?
Well, we've been talking,
and we think it's about time we add
some songs with vocals to the set list.
Like Cheers and Charles in Charge.
Saved by the Bell, Saved by the Bell: College Years.
Yeah, the list goes on and on.
And more importantly, Mr. Vernon straight-up told me,
"You're not playing prom unless you have a singer."
Yeah, well, that's not what we are. That's not what we do.
Who would even sing? You would.
What? No, I can't.
You have a beautiful voice, man.
You were the star of that musical in third grade.
Thank you.
But no. No way. (STUTTERS)
I'm not gonna sing in front of people.
Why do we have to change up things?
Everything's fine the way it is right now.
(CAR ENGINE STOPS)
(CAR DOORS CLOSE)
Hey, fags.
Shit. It's your brother.
Time's up. Get out of the garage.
It's not 5:00 yet, Lars.
Yeah, well, we're starting early.
Really gotta nail down this Daughtry medley.
Oh, that's a medley?
I thought that was one incredibly long, incredibly shitty song.
Nice try, Matty. But you can't rile me up.
We're so focused and tight right now, me, Brandon and Chad.
I'm Mark.
You're 30 years old, and you play
in a band with high school kids.
And our band rules!
Now, get the fuck out of the garage so we can practice.
Fine.
LARS: Come on, guys. I'm gonna show you my lizards.
All right, Mikey, I have compiled
a list of songs that have vocals.
I want you to learn the lyrics.
And next time we're in here, we'll just rock them out.
Okay, so, this club is called Club Monsoon,
and looks like it's on the east side.
Am I gonna end up with a glow stick up my ass?
Yes, but the man holding that glow stick
just might be your future husband.
Hello. Welcome to Club Monsoon.
For two? Yep.
Glow sticks.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't these guys know they're living a cliche?
How are you supposed to meet anybody in here?
I think you just dance with them
until their dick accidentally slips inside of you.
All right. Excuse me.
Sir, a little bit of space. A little bit more space.
Okay. All right.
My fault for being here.
Two mojitos, please.
Oh. Can we hit that? It's not what you think it is.
That isn't some of that dank Kush?
No, it's salvia.
It gives you the best dream of your life
for 15 minutes, and then it's over.
Is it safe?
Well, it's legal.
Whoa! You guys gotta be in your underwear to be in the foam room.
No shirt, no shoes, no pants. That's our policy.
Shirt? I'm not even wearing a face.
(PEOPLE CHEER)
Above and beyond, gentlemen.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
MICHAEL: It's a waterfall! (LAUGHS)
This is the best waterfall I've ever seen!
Yeah! You guys are such good dancers!
Music is shooting out of his body.
It's magical.
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, hey. What if there were no clocks ever?
What would you do with your day
if there were no clocks or no time?
Build a clock.
Jared! (LAUGHING)
Okay!
Somebody's not wearing panties tonight!
(ALL CHEERING)
MATTY: This is the best night of my life! Whoo!
It's fun. It was fun, right?
Not too bad. Not bad at all.
Just hanging out in there. Just doing stuff.
Not that different from what we usually do.
What are you talking about?
We were dancing naked with a bunch of dudes in a room full of foam.
It's like that one time
when I made us take tango lessons
because it would help us meet girls.
No, it's not. This is completely different.
This is completely different than anything
we've ever done in our lives ever.
At least we're still doing it together.
But, dude, is this my future? A bunch of trips to Club Monsoon?
Is that so bad?
They had cool furniture and lights and stuff. It's like Europe in there.
Not all of Europe is gay.
Whatever. Dude, the important thing is, we're still friends.
We got the brownie, all that stuff.
Everything is better with lasers and smoke machines.
You love lasers. You love smoke. That was a paradise for you.
Am I wrong? I know you. I know you better than anyone.
That was amazing. It was like Europe.
Plus also, in the future, and also, it's a horror movie.
What are you doing?
I got locked out of my house.
(CHUCKLES)
Can I come in?
She was just texting on her phone throughout the entire movie,
and I was so mad, I was just throwing popcorn in her face
without even realizing it.
You haven't been listening to anything I've been saying, have you?
No, yeah, I am.
Wait a minute. Are you high?
No.
You totally are. I can tell. You're never this quiet for this long.
Yeah. I smoked salvia tonight.
Holy shit. Is it awesome?
No.
You seem kind of traumatized.
It's okay. You don't have to tell me about it right now.
You can tell me about it whenever you want, really.
You can talk to me about anything whenever you want.
You're patting me on the head like a dog.
I am doing that. I'm sorry.
Wait. You are drunk!
Yeah.
I knew it! You're all chatty and shit.
I killed a bunch of my dad's bourbon.
Nice.
And then you came over.
And now we're here with cheese and bread.
You, me, cheese, bread here.
(CHUCKLES)
Life sucks.
Yeah, life sucks.
But I guess sometimes it doesn't.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are we doing?
I don't know. What are you doing?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
Oh, hey.
Ahhh.
I should go.
Yeah, you should.
Yeah.
My clothes are over there.
So can you turn around?
Okay.
Should we talk about what happened last night?
We were fucked up.
We are, in general, fucked up.
If it had to be with a girl, I'm glad it was with you.
Thank you?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Bye.
Reading? I love books.
Books are like word movies.
What do you want, Michael?
Nothing. Just two friends hanging out, talking, swapping stories.
You just spit on me. Did I?
Sorry. Sometimes that happens when I start talking too fast.
I think some of it got in my mouth.
Do you wanna go to prom with me?
What? No.
Okay, I know I dumped you, and that was probably painful,
but I realized that was a mistake,
and I think we can get past that.
I'm going with Anthony.
Really?
Or Lucas or Damien. There's a lot of balls in the air right now.
There are? What happened?
I'm dating around.
Dating around? You don't date around.
That's not... (STUTTERS)
We didn't even get past third base.
We never got past second.
It's an imprecise metaphorical system. It's open to interpretation.
You just spit on me again.
Sorry.
I have to go. I'm late for color guard.
You can't guard colors. It's a stupid name.
It should be called flag spinning.
Hey, welcome to Catch-a-Burger. Those are sweet cargo shorts.
Thank you.
Can I take your order? My name is Pete.
Yes, I would like a Bacon Symphony and a large order of fries.
Okay. $5.66.
Here you go.
And can I give your change
to the Catch-a-Burger Courageous Kids program?
No, thank you. I'll just take the change.
I guess you can't afford the 34 cents?
Or you wanted to put it to better use
than giving it to courageous kids?
Yeah, I'll give my money to the kids' program. Sure.
For an additional two dollars,
I can make you a Catch-a-Burger Courageous Kids Ambassador.
Thank you, but I would just like to eat my food.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, do you have parents?
Yeah, of course. Everyone has parents.
Not the Catch-a-Burger Courageous Kids.
They're orphans, man. That's what makes them so courageous.
It's two dollars? It's two dollars.
Yeah, I have two dollars. Thanks so much.
Just put it in the box. Fill out one of those guys for me.
Can I order while he's doing this?
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, you know what would be really cool?
If you would do what he's doing preemptively.
It's just two bucks. Really help a lot of kids.
I haven't ordered yet.
Big man here is doing it, and he looks like he has fucking no money.
Okay, let's do it.
Thanks, bro.
I met you at the place before.
Yes, I struck you with my truck.
Hey, do you guys have little brothers?
I have an older brother.
No, I'm talking about the Big Brother Big Sister program.
You guys are the right age for it.
I've been doing it for three years,
and it has been the best experience of my whole life.
It really changed me.
I gotta tell you about my little brother, Phiram.
He's from Cambodia.
He came over here on a boat when he was a baby.
He lost his father when he was two.
Now he plays the fucking cello, man. (EXHALES)
Imagine that!
That guy's incredible.
That guy's like a drug dealer for the concept of charity.
Um, I think I owe you an apology for my behavior the other night.
I was not in a good place.
I'd just taken my dog to the vet
because he ate an entire soccer ball.
Oh, man.
Well, I'm sorry, too. My buddy gets really nervous sometimes.
Or all the time.
I'm very intimidating.
Yeah, I'm by far the toughest guy you're ever
gonna meet outside Reflections, okay?
Right here. All right.
You like that place? You like that scene?
It was interesting. Yeah.
It was my first time there.
Is that a place that you often are around or inside of?
Well, it's not much on ambience,
but they do have this one incredible craft beer that you gotta try.
It's not to be missed. It's called Bud Light.
It's so good.
I'm Greg.
I'm Matty. Nice to meet you.
(CELL PHONE RINGS) Nice to meet you.
PETE: Let me tell you about my little brother, Phiram.
Do you wanna watch this happen one more time?
Yes. Okay.
Em! Em!
Hey.
Can you do me a huge favor? What?
I need a ride.
Thanks for driving me to the shop.
No problem.
I got in an accident the day I got my license,
and my parents totally freaked out,
so I know what it's like.
How many accidents have you been in?
Five or six.
Wait, seriously? Should I be driving with you?
Shit, I got a text. Hold on.
No, no, no!
(LAUGHS)
I'm kidding. I've only been in four.
Watch the road, please! (CHUCKLES)
Hey, have you talked to Matty recently?
No.
He's been acting really weird.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, I know it's not an easy time, but... I don't know.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
No English? Can you...
The bumper, bumpero, is no good. It needs changing.
Come back. You can't just do this. My bumper is messed up.
Does anyone here speak English?
EM: What's going on?
I'm screwed. No one here speaks any English.
So you're just gonna drive around
with a big, old, red bumper on your little periwinkle car?
It's gunmetal.
And it might not be so bad if I drive at night.
No, they messed up your car. That's unacceptable.
Excuse me.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
You don't have to...
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Don't yell at him.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Thank you.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(CROWD CHEERING)
This shit is so much better than that American shit.
These guys are Mexican. They are hard-core.
Who's this guy?
That is the Super Gato.
He's a man/cat thing.
MATTY: Shit.
His thing is when he beats somebody,
he pours milk on them, and then he licks it off.
He calls it "licking the leche."
No, I'm not into that.
It's not okay.
It's weird.
What about this gentleman right here?
Yeah! Yeah!
That's El Cientifico Loco, the Mad Scientist. He's my favorite.
He's the Mexican version of Stephen Hawking.
He rolls around the ring in his little chair, acting like a bitch,
and then he gets bullied.
He just rises up and regulates. It's awesome.
Dude, how are you a gay guy?
I don't know. I just am.
How are you a gay guy?
I don't know, man.
This is fun. It's a good time.
Yeah.
I enjoy hanging out with you, man.
You're a good friend-type dude-person thing.
Thank you, Matt.
Yes.
It's easy to get a quick lay, but the friendship part is hard to come by.
Yeah! Yeah!
That's it! Fuck him up!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh, shit!
Yeah!
That's a pin!
Fuck, yeah! Fuck you, cat!
Here comes the robot voice. What?
Here comes the robot voice.
Just hold on. Hold on. And...
EL CIENTIFICO LOCO'S ROBOT VOICE: Soy el campeon.
Yes, you are el campeon! Yeah, you are el campeon!
Oh, shit!
Bring it in right here!
Yeah, I shouldn't have had a drink.
Meet me in the parking lot!
Yeah. You got it, man.
Hey, Dad. Hey.
Whoa!
What is that?
That is your mom's anniversary gift.
Another reminder that I got life by the balls.
Check it out.
Is that one of those rotisserie grills?
No, it is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie.
I nailed it. She is gonna love it.
You know why? Women love kitchen stuff.
As much as we like to deny it in this PC day and age, it's just true.
Men like cars. Men like trucks.
This is like a truck to her.
Oh, I thought I heard voices...
Oh, my God. No, you did not.
Oh, I did.
Is that the Ronco Showtime?
Yes, ma'am.
"Set it and forget it"? "Set it and forget it."
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Daddy, you are so thoughtful. Come here.
(CHUCKLES)
I am gonna make the best chicken for you.
That skin is gonna be so crispy.
I love crispy skin!
It is going to be the crispiest skin of any chicky.
Oh, my gosh! I'm just so excited.
I'm gonna go print out my internet recipes right this second.
All right.
PATRICIA: Matty, your father is something else.
Okay.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Hey, Matty. What have you been up to?
What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Last couple of days, I haven't seen you. What have you been doing?
Nothing. Just hanging out at home and stuff.
Why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.
You have an intense crazy-guy look in your eyes right now.
No, I don't.
All right, I'll see you at practice. I gotta run.
Where do you have to run?
I'm gonna assume you're joking right now. You're hilarious.
And then... (SCATTING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
You're late.
Yeah, sorry, guys. You pumped to sing?
Actually, I might still need more time.
We don't have very much time, Mike.
I mean, the audition's in a few days.
I'm having trouble with these lyrics.
Dude, it's the Golden Girls theme song.
Everyone knows the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song.
That shit's iconic.
Ready, Josh? Let's go.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTING)
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Sing a little louder, Mike.
♪ Traveled down the road and back again ♪
Can't hear you!
Can't hear shit!
Dude, it's just singing.
Come on, Mike.
No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Look, this is not what we are.
We are an instrumental TV theme song cover band.
Yeah, we were until now.
I wanna play prom, Michael.
I wanna play this song, and I wanna fuck some chicks because of it.
My fucking is directly linked to your singing.
Dude, let's just do what we usually do.
There's no way we're gonna win if we don't do the Golden Girls theme song!
Now, we're all in agreement, right, guys?
Fucking A. Yeah.
MATTY: There you go.
Maybe then we just shouldn't do it at all.
MATTY: What are you... Are you seriously doing this right now?
Yep, you can't force me to sing. I'm not a singer.
Jesus, man, grow some fucking balls!
I am! These are my balls.
Me leaving. Those are my balls.
And then I wouldn't sing, and they were being dicks.
And we're not even gonna audition now, and it just sucks.
You had a vision. You stuck to your guns.
My entire life is shit.
You know I asked Ava to prom?
No! Yep.
No. Yep.
She is no longer interested, Michael. I know that.
I never should have broken up with her.
She's got the face of an angel, the body of an angel.
She's like an angel that you really wanna have sex with.
Yeah, I wouldn't feel that bad. She's not really an angel.
Yeah, she is.
I'm gonna tell you something
because I want you to feel like
you can just really get over her.
Okay?
Okay.
Ava was hooking up with Anthony before you broke up with her.
What? She was cheating on you.
Damn it. Damn it.
Well, at least she's super-uptight,
and she won't let anyone get past second base.
Yeah, she wasn't that uptight with Anthony.
What, did she have sex with him?
I'm sorry.
No, thanks for telling me.
They also had anal sex.
What?
No, I'm just kidding.
I just thought that would make you feel better about the regular-sex thing.
(SIGHS) Wow, that actually kind of worked.
You're welcome. Yeah.
I'm never gonna touch another girl again, am I?
Here we go. I am so mediocre.
You're not that mediocre.
(CHUCKLES) You're gonna be fine.
Ava's my friend, I think.
But even when you guys were going out,
I don't think she ever really appreciated what she had with you
as much as someone who you deserve even better, I think.
Thank you.
I mean it.
You wanna go for a drive?
Okay.
MICHAEL: I can't believe we go to the same place.
What do you mean? I've been going there since I was a kid.
Well, it's just boys go to barbers, and girls go to stylists.
Really?
That's how barbering works.
Does my hair really look that bad?
No! It looks great.
It's lustrous, like a horse's mane.
Thanks. In a good way.
I just didn't know that Giovanni had this ability.
He's, like, 100 years old.
Giovanni is the best, and I'm proud to be his only female client.
Okay? So, here. Imaginary cheers to Giovanni.
To Giovanni.
Clink!
(INAUDIBLE SPEECH) (CHUCKLES)
He's here.
What?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I'm making out with a dude. What does it look like I'm doing?
MICHAEL: Wait.
Why do you have to do gay stuff
with the asshole who hit my car?
He's actually a really good guy.
That was a really rough night for me. I'm sorry.
And what are you doing here with my ex-girlfriend?
That's a little bit weird.
Hi.
Hey! I'm Greg. I'm Em.
It's not a thing. We're just having a chit-chat here.
Two friends talking.
What's the big deal? And what does it even matter
if you're gay anyway?
Um, it's the principle of it.
Is this why you've been avoiding me?
You've been hanging out a lot with gay-ass Greg?
Maybe not "gay-ass Greg." Maybe just "gay Greg."
Or even "Greg."
Yeah, dude. Actually, we have been hanging out quite a bit.
And to be 100% honest,
you've been so fucking weird about all this shit
that I don't know if I wanna hang out with you 24/7 anymore.
Look, man. Deal with your own shit for once.
Take control of your life and stop focusing so much on mine.
I'm starting to miss straight Matty.
Straight Matty never would have snuck around behind my back.
Wake up. I was never straight. I don't need this pressure from you, man.
I don't need to get laid by prom or any of that shit.
What about the brownie?
I don't wanna eat your shitty brownie.
Don't talk about the brownie like that.
Bro, seriously, chill out about the brownie.
♪ I'm not Superman I'm not Spider-Man
♪ I'm just trying to be the best I can
♪ So let me be the hero for your heart
♪ You're the only one for me
♪ You lift me up, you set me free
♪ I'd never leave you standing on your own ♪
LARS: Moments in Memory forever!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Yeah?
We got a new DVD in the mail today.
TV show called The L Word.
I thought maybe we could watch it together.
Uh, yeah, maybe later. I'm gonna go skate right now.
I have some stuff to think about.
Let me know if you ever wanna talk more.
Or if you wanna talk less.
I don't want to smother you.
You're not. Well, good.
I know life seems complicated sometimes.
But I usually find it gets simpler
if you just focus on the things
that have always made you happy.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Yo.
Yeah!
MATTY: Hey, man!
MICHAEL: Thanks for coming.
MATTY: Of course, man.
What's up? What made you think of coming here in the first place?
MICHAEL: Go-karts. We love go-karts. True.
I always find that things get simpler
if you just focus on things that have always made you happy.
Oh. Cool, cool.
When was the last time we came here? Six years ago?
Yeah. What did the guy used to say?
He used to kick us out, and then he used to say something.
"What did I tell you about bumping? No bumping, man!"
"If you come back here, I'm gonna call the cops!" Ahhh.
It's the same guy.
Oh, fuck! You think he would have moved on by now.
MATTY: You think he remembers us?
MICHAEL: No way, dude. We were 12 when he last saw us.
Hey. Two, please.
Go sit in there.
It's where I do the safety instruction seminar.
What exactly can you do
to avoid being brutally mutilated on the race track today?
That's a dark way to start the session.
I've seen these things crush people's feet.
I've seen them tear off people's fingers.
I once saw a little girl get her hair stuck in the motor.
(SCREAMING)
Bye-bye, scalp.
Does it have to do with bumping?
No bumping!
Bumping is a one-way ticket to injury land USA.
And if the karts don't injure you, I will.
I will come out there and punch you in the face
so you don't injure any of our other drivers.
That's how much I care about the rest of you.
Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight.
We should or we shouldn't bump?
Looks like we got ourselves a comedian.
Let me ask you this, Mr. Comedian. Is this hilarious?
It's kind of funny.
Go-kart accident! Stuttgart, Germany! 2007.
It doesn't even look like a real leg.
It's not real.
It's a mock-up that I made because no one took photos that day.
Makes sense.
Bump once, I kick you the F out.
You bump twice, what happens?
Trick question. You can't bump twice,
because if you bump once, I've already kicked your ass out.
And you're at home sitting on your couch alone,
watching the Food Network, wishing you hadn't bumped.
(CHEERS)
Hey! Keep your hands on the wheel!
(SCREAMS)
Put your legs back in the kart!
It's your last warning!
Get over here!
Why, hello, old friend!
Would you like to partake in some light bumping this afternoon?
I would say that we should definitely do that.
Okay, then we should bump!
I'm gonna bump the shit out of you!
You're dead, bro!
MATTY: Shit!
No bumping! No bumping!
(LAUGHING)
I remember you motherfuckers! You used to bump more than anyone!
I told you never to come back here. You're dead!
MATTY: Fuck!
(PANTING)
Why didn't we just run to our cars?
I don't know. I just panicked.
Yeah, me, too.
He was fucking pissed! Yeah.
He was more pissed than I've ever seen him before,
and that's saying a lot.
I don't think we can go back there for 10 years.
No way. (CHUCKLES)
Dude, I'm sorry about saying all that stuff,
wishing you were straight and all that.
Oh. It's okay, man. I'm sorry that I said your brownie was shitty.
Oh, I know it's not. It's amazing.
Yeah.
It's actually still in the freezer by the way.
You think this Greg guy is the one? He could be your brownie guy.
Man, I don't know.
Have you touched his balls yet?
Oh, come on.
What? You like balls. You're a ball guy.
I never said that. You said that.
I think you made that up actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did do that.
What about you, man? What have you got going on?
Me?
I actually got someone I'm thinking about.
Nice!
You're over Em, right?
Dude. What?
Seriously?
What, dude? You're seriously gonna do this?
You're gonna call dibs on her even after you've broken up with her,
and you're not into persons with her sexual organs?
No, I'm not calling dibs.
I feel like it's weird. Tell me it's not weird.
It's not weird. It's not weird.
I think it's a little weird. All right.
I'm gonna go. I'm supposed to meet up with Greg in a little bit.
But this was super-fun.
Good to see you, man. Great to see you, man.
What if I call dibs on Greg?
Mmm. That makes no sense.
No. I'll see you later, brother.
All right.
Actually, I'm parked over there, too.
Yeah, that's happening.
MICHAEL: So she's not an angel.
Okay, let's go.
Yep.
Thanks for hanging out with me and dealing with my shit recently.
It's been fun.
Yeah, it's been fun for me, too.
Why is this the only spot that people drive up to?
Because it's Glen Ellen.
This abandoned construction lot
is the most romantic place in town.
So you brought us here because it's romantic?
Oh, yes, I did. I did.
Those beautiful porta-potties, and the broken glass,
and used condoms really just get me right in the mood.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
Wait, Michael, I need to tell you something.
What?
After Matty and I broke up, we hooked up one more time.
When?
After you guys went to that club.
And we...
We had sex.
What?
Yeah.
You what? (STUTTERS)
Yeah, I know.
I was drunk, and we both had really weird nights.
How can that happen? It just did.
He's gay. He's gay.
Well, you're not the only one in the world
with confused feelings, Michael.
I'm not confused.
I definitely wouldn't have sex with a gay guy.
Okay, now, you're just being an asshole.
You're an asshole.
(SIGHS) I can't do this.
Michael...
Michael!
(GRUNTING)
Shit.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Oh, hey, Michael. Oh, is Matty home?
Yeah, he sure is. We're just getting ready to sit down to dinner.
You want to join us?
Yes, I would. Okay, great.
Well, come on in. What have you got there?
This is a private thing.
Oh. Mmm.
LARS: Mom, this chicken is incredible.
This skin is so...
Crispy? Crispy!
You're damn right it is. (CHUCKLES)
That is the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie doing its thing.
It's just fucking great.
Lars. Language, please.
Oh. This is a great meal. (CHUCKLES)
DWAYNE: And all because of a great gift.
(MOUTHING) Are you okay?
(MOUTHING) I hate you.
Why don't we thank your mother by going around the table
and saying what our favorite part of the meal is?
I'll go first.
The chicken.
But more specifically, the skin.
How did I know you were going to say that?
Lars? Skin.
Matty?
Yeah, skin.
Pat?
(LAUGHS)
Michael?
My favorite part of this meal is how Matty fucked a girl!
(LAUGHS)
Michael, language.
Well, that's not really the answer to the question.
I am kind of curious. Is that true, Matty?
I'm sorry. Can I please be excused
to speak with Michael in the other room?
Well, we are having a family dinner.
Why don't you let them talk it out?
(WHISPERS) Dwayne. Dwayne.
Ask him.
Dude, what the fuck?
You had sex with Em.
So what?
So I like her a lot.
She was my girlfriend. You're gay.
Shh! Shut up!
You don't deserve her. You don't deserve any girl.
Why did you do that?
Why are you even at my house? What the fuck are you doing here?
You're gay.
I need you to shut up for the rest of dinner.
Can you please just do that for me?
LARS: What? You don't like that movie? I don't believe it.
DWAYNE: When you're married, I'll let you know what that...
Hi, Matty. Welcome back.
DWAYNE: Okay, boys.
Family meal. Anything going on with you two?
Yeah, a lot, actually.
Today was a crazy day at PacSun.
We got these huge new shipments in.
I had tons and tons of board shorts.
So I took a look at the different styles, and I said to Laurie,
I said, "Laurie, I will sell all of these lace-up board shorts today.
"Not this week, today."
And she was like, "Yeah, right, Lars! No way."
And by the end of the day, get this, Dad. (MOUTHING) What are you doing?
(MOUTHING) I hate you. (MOUTHING) Stop!
LARS: I sold all of the lace-ups and some of the non-lace-ups.
So I was like, "Suck it, Laurie!" (LAUGHS)
PATRICIA: That's fantastic. DWAYNE: Great work, son.
Very ambitious, just like your dad.
LARS: I got something else that I really want to share with you guys.
First off, I wanna thank you for keeping me so humble on this journey.
I know it's been tough, but something
really great happened to me today.
(MOUTHING) You're gay.
(MOUTHING) You are an asshole.
I just found out my band, we're playing the prom!
Matty's gay!
That's great! Congratulations!
Daddy. Wait.
What did you say? Nothing.
Matty's gay. Shut the fuck up, Michael.
Language. What is he talking about?
Matty's a gay guy. You have a gay son.
Language. Gay is not a bad word.
It's debatable.
All right, everyone just cut the bullshit! What is going on?
It's a milestone in my musical career, Dad, is what's going on!
Matthew...
Matty, is this true?
No!
Matthew, answer your mother. I said no!
He's not gay.
DWAYNE: No.
All right, why don't you excuse yourself
to your room, and I will meet you there.
Michael, this dinner is over right now.
Fine.
Seriously? DWAYNE: You heard me.
It's gonna be awesome.
I know it's a prom, but I think I can get you two in.
(GROANS)
Did you out Matty to his parents?
Hold on.
Did you tell them that he's gay?
It's complicated.
Did you think for a second about what that meant to him?
Let me explain!
Do you have any idea what's happening to him right now?
Wait!
He was your best friend, Michael!
Your best friend!
You are a terrible person.
(SIGHS)
Oh!
Damn, dude!
This looks good, right?
It is perfect.
I think we're good to go.
Cool.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
This is totally not my business,
but I thought you really liked that guy.
Yeah, I just can't do that anymore.
Him specifically or...
Just all of it.
Matthew, we found the most darling cufflinks.
They're little pigs.
Why would I want those, Mom?
I'm sorry. I gave you the wrong jacket. Let me get you the right one.
Oh. Get this off. It's two sizes too small. Silly. (CHUCKLES)
There we go.
Uh-oh.
Yes, yes, yes.
Now you look good enough to eat.
Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
Yes. Very handsome.
Oh. Matthew, this reminds me of your dad when we went to our prom.
You went to the prom with your husband, and you're still together?
We sure are. 32 years.
Congratulations!
I wish I could say the same, but old Linda is still playing the field.
Oh. That's okay. It's fun being single. Live it up!
Oh. Thirty-two years. Wow. Maybe you can give me some advice.
I'm dating a Colombian man. We have very little in common.
We hardly understand each other, but the sex is really amazing.
He's only willing to see me on Tuesdays. Now, what is that about?
Might be a cultural thing.
Then there's Gene. Gene's very bright.
He's got a skin condition, but that's not a deal-breaker for me.
And the sex is ridiculous! Oh. What do I do?
High school prom, we're getting fitted for.
Then there's Claude.
He's 5'6'', he owns a sailboat, and he's my mailman.
The sex is amazing!
But only on the sailboat.
When it's rocky.
But I think that's because Claude is a little lazy.
What do I do?
I'm not even really sure what we're talking about at this point.
You're not kidding. Relationships are hard. They are complicated.
Although, you two kids seem to have it figured out, right?
You look so cute together.
Yes, we do. We got it all figured out.
LINDA: Ooh. Well, hello!
Gotta go help this hot number. Wish me luck.
Welcome!
She is a live wire.
But she's right.
You two kids make the most adorable couple.
Matthew, look at you!
You're going to the prom with the most beautiful girl.
Yes. Beautiful girl, prom. We're doing it.
Yay.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Matthew, is anything the matter?
No.
Okay.
Well, you know that you can always come to me to talk, right?
About anything, anything at all.
Yeah.
You tell me. Okay?
Everything's great, Mom.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Michael, I don't want to tell you how to live your life,
but it's 4:00 p.m.
You haven't left the house, except to go to school, for days.
Okay.
This time I'm not taking no for an answer, mister.
Sit up.
You look at me, and you talk to me now.
What's wrong?
(SIGHS) It's just... Why can't things stay the same?
Do you remember when your mom and I split up?
Yeah.
What happened?
You cried and built a lot of birdhouses.
And then what happened?
You took me to Disney World for two weeks,
and even I thought it was too long.
And then what happened?
You became friends with Mom again.
And why do you think we did that?
For me? No.
We did it because we loved each other very much,
and that's a rare thing.
History is a powerful thing, Michael.
Home is a powerful thing.
No more sleeping until 4:00.
(SIGHS)
What's up, Daddy Longlegs? What are you doing here?
I just needed a drink, and I knew this place would let me in.
I hear that.
Are you crying, man?
No, dude.
I'm close.
How are things with you and Matty?
Uh, Matty is not answering my calls as of late.
What? Why?
I mean, I get it.
It's not easy to come out of the closet and then stay there.
When I came out in high school,
my best friend, he basically disowned me.
And he was a water polo player.
It's the faggiest sport there is. Those guys wax their assholes.
When I came out, my best friend stopped sharing sodas with me,
stopped giving me rides to school, de-friended me on Facebook,
and then moved to Germany.
The moving part was unrelated to me coming out, he claims.
I don't want to be one of those guys. I've been just a huge jerk.
Have you talked to Matty about it?
I've tried to. He won't talk to me.
Maybe you need to try a little bit harder.
Maybe you need to find out where he's gonna be,
you need to corner him, and make him hear what you have to say.
Boom.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
So, this is it.
This is it, prom.
Whoo!
Could you guys get a little closer together?
Oh.
Closer.
Really? Okay.
Perfect.
(CLICKS)
Okay.
So far, so good.
Really? Yeah.
Hey, Matty.
What do you think you're doing?
Dude.
JOSH: (CHUCKLES) Whoa!
Michael, did you bring a bearded dude to prom,
or am I just ripped out of my fucking mind right now?
Both.
This is Greg. Hi.
Cheers, buddy.
♪ Gonna shine my light Till you feel it in your soul
♪ Yeah
♪ I'm not Superman I'm not Spider-Man
♪ I'm just trying to do the best I can
♪ So let me be the hero for your heart ♪
You okay? No.
You nervous? Yes.
GREG: It's okay.
I'm gonna shit myself.
No, you're not gonna shit yourself. You look good. You can do it.
Go. Come on. Go, go, go.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Hey, Lars. Lars.
I gotta do something important right now. It will take five minutes.
No can do, Mikey. We're destroying it. This is our moment.
Dude, I know. Please.
Get the fuck off the stage. Yeah.
Hey, potty mouth. You get off the stage, or I'm cutting the power off.
Shit, it's the principal.
Go.
(MICHAEL SIGHS)
Don't kill our momentum, bro.
Thanks.
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, everybody.
I'm sorry to interrupt your prom.
I just wanted to sing a song,
if you don't mind.
The song is about dealing with change,
which I am not very good at.
Um...
I've done a lot of stupid things the last couple of months,
and, uh, I think I'm learning to be better at it.
So here we go.
♪ When I was born, I had 1,000 legs
♪ Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage
♪ I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon
♪ And be reborn into the afternoon
♪ When I have wings, I'll fly into the sun
♪ Up in the sky, I'll be the only one
♪ Deep down, I know I have to turn the page
♪ But I wonder
♪ Will I miss my legs?
♪ Will I miss my legs? ♪
BOY: Gay!
Were you talking about me or the song?
BOY: You!
Okay. Good, actually.
Because that ties into something else
I wanted to mention while I'm up here,
that even though I'm not gay, I'm a straight man,
I brought a guy to prom tonight, a really cool guy.
I did that because
it shouldn't matter who you bring to prom.
And it shouldn't matter who you're attracted to in life
or who you fall in love with.
Just bring whoever you want to prom.
And as for the gay thing,
gay people are just people who have sex a little bit differently.
And I'm sure that it still feels amazing.
So, yeah, call me gay. I don't care. Doesn't bother me one bit.
BOY: Gay!
Okay. Well, I got through to you then, I guess.
So thank you guys for listening. Enjoy your prom.
That took big, King Kong-sized donkey balls.
Thanks. Thank you.
Hey, man, are you sure you're not gay?
Yeah, pretty sure.
Because a lot of people are going to think you're gay after tonight.
I know. It's okay.
Aw, man, I let her out of my sight for one second.
Check it out. Here comes Ava. She's gonna be so pissed!
DAN: Oh. MICHAEL: Wow.
Oh! Ah!
GREG: That girl is a freak.
I need some air.
Hey.
MATTY: Hey.
Hey.
I liked what you said up there.
It's not enough. It doesn't make up for everything.
It's a start.
I know I was super-weird in there earlier.
But I'm really glad to see you here.
It's good to see you, too.
Even if it is at a prom, because they are terrible.
A prom is like one gigantic, shitty wedding between 500 idiotic teenagers.
Yeah, it's bad.
That first day when we were talking about Matty coming out,
I should have gotten him that cake that said "you're gay."
It would have been better than all the stupid stuff I did.
There's still time.
There's a bakery right around the corner
that specializes in gay apology cakes.
Really? Where is it? Just kidding.
I know you're fucking with me this time. Always fucking with me.
And I'm sorry that I stopped calling you.
I'm really sorry for freaking out on you.
Don't be sorry.
And if there's anything that I can do to help, you let me know.
You're doing it right now.
Do you think you and I could ever hang out again?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Actually, I have to go do one more thing tonight.
There's something I need to do before this whole thing gets wrapped up.
Good luck.
Go.
(CHUCKLES)
Yo. Are you leaving already?
No, I was just gonna grab this and then find you.
(CHUCKLES) You brought the brownie to prom?
I bring it everywhere. It's like my baby.
I'm sorry about all the stuff I did.
I actually brought this here tonight
because I want you and I to get rid of this together.
This brownie represents the old me
who was just afraid things wouldn't stay the same,
and that we wouldn't be the same kind of friends anymore.
I know it's stupid, but that's how it felt.
So, you and I need to destroy this thing tonight.
Fuck, no!
What?
This brownie is fucking beautiful.
And what you said tonight on stage, dude, that was so awesome.
(CHUCKLES)
I think I'm going to come out to my parents.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I think it's gonna be all right.
That is great, man.
So, are we gonna eat this thing or what?
Right now?
Yeah, it's amazing. Look at the artistry on all these dicks.
You frosted veins on this one's shaft.
Well, I used a pastry bag with a special nozzle.
And this one over here, the pubes are gorgeous.
I want to put the pubes in my mouth.
You love pubes?
You're goddamn right, I love pubes!
Cool.
I love this brownie, and I love you.
In a totally non-gay way.
I love you, too, non-gay.
Let's bring it in.
Oh, man! Non-gay!
Extremely non-gay. Not interested at all.
What are you doing?
I'm picking you up!
Put me down!
Don't punch me, man. I'm sensitive.
EM: Hey.
Is this the famous brownie? How old is this thing?
Super-old. But I kept it in the freezer, so it's cool.
And I only poured beer on it a couple of times, and I cried on it once.
That's cool.
Is there enough for four?
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God, I'm so high! (LAUGHS)
What should we do now?
I mean, we cannot go back into prom like this.
There's only one place you can go when you're this high.
(SCREAMING)
MICHAEL: I love foam!
This is the best night of my life!
(EM LAUGHING)
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