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ALLYSON: Okay.
(SIGHS)
It's blog time.
I am a mommy blogger. I am a mommy blogger.
Get ready, world, for some pearls of wisdom, coming at you right now.
So here we go!
(SIGHS)
I got three followers. (CHUCKLES)
Yesterday I had four, so that's awesome.
My audience awaits.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
It's 5:00 a.m. Do you know where your children are?
Mine are in bed.
I should be in bed. It's Mother's Day.
But I'm not. Wanna know why?
(CLATTERING)
Because I'm a clean freak!
I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch.
If you were to lock me away in a white room, in a straitjacket,
it would actually feel comforting.
As long as the walls were spotless and nobody wore shoes.
I can actually feel the house getting dirty.
Like I have nerve endings in the carpet.
And it affects me. Wanna know how?
First, I feel distracted.
"Distracted."
D-I-S... Oh, what was I...
So, see, like right now,
I'm thinking of the cleaning supplies I left out
and how one of the kids is gonna get up and drink Clorox
and then I'd end up having to call Poison Control,
and they'd say,
"Sorry, Mrs. Field, too many times this month."
And take my kids away.
Too many times this month, Ms. Field.
We're here to take your children away.
ALLYSON: (SIGHS) I've played it all out.
I'm sure you've played this all out.
Which is kind of morbid.
After I feel distracted, I feel stressed.
Then I have a moment.
GIRL: Mom!
Mommy!
I am talking to Daddy!
This is me having a moment with my daughter.
Hon, (CLEARS THROAT) about the stress level.
- (SIGHS) What? - Well, it's a little high.
- Gee, uh... - The kind of psycho thing you just did...
Did you just call me psycho?
- No! No. No. No. - Did you just call me psycho?
It was a little psycho.
This is me having a moment with some helpless newlyweds.
We just wanted to say congratulations!
And savor this moment in your life!
So when I started to speak, I thought it would help.
But then the words just started coming out of me like lava.
Because you're gonna blink, seriously, like, blink
and it's all gonna be over
and replaced with just volume, like...
GIRL: Mom!
Amazing, amazing beautiful volume...
Look at that. Look at that look on her face.
That's the look of a girl whose fairytale just ended.
I murdered it. I am a fairytale murderer.
You can only take so much before you crack!
- Don't. - No.
ALLYSON: I'm like the Bruce Banner of stay-at-home moms.
He doesn't want to turn into the Hulk. It just happens.
(BELLOWING)
Which is exactly how I feel.
I love my kids.
I love my husband. My minivan, my minivan is awesome.
I have this incredible life.
So, why do I feel this way?
GIRL IN DISTANCE: Mom!
Mom!
(GRUNTS)
GIRL: Mommy!
Oh.
(MUTTERING)
Oh.
Surprise! We made you eggs!
With sugar!
Mother's happy day!
(ALLYSON SPEAKING)
I should be happy that they're making me breakfast.
Instead, all I see is salmonella. Salmonella everywhere.
On the floor, on the counter, on my children.
I'm a salmonella-phobe.
Last week this happened to a doll and I burned it!
Okay, so I didn't realize that that was Bailey's favorite doll,
and I do feel bad about that.
We're gonna play a little game! Everybody freeze!
Beck, no. Do not put that...
Oh, no. No, no, he's gonna eat it.
He'll put that in his mouth and become
one of the estimated 400 people that die
from acute salmonella poisoning,
which I read about on a blog somewhere. Yeah, okay. I gotta go.
Do not put that finger in your...
(LINE RINGING)
Hello, may Field's residence, please?
Well, how about you try,
"This is the Fields' residence. How may I help you?"
(GASPS) Daddy!
Hey, is Mommy there?
Mom! Phone!
Wow.
(ALLYSON MUTTERING)
Bailey, I'm up here!
(BECK GIGGLES)
Beck? Beck?
(GIGGLES)
Here's Daddy.
Hello? Hey, hon.
Sean, please tell me you're on a flight right now.
It's Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day.
That's where we should have started.
Yes, thank you. Fine. I just...
Why I need you on a flight...
- That's all right. - Yes, baby.
- They canceled three flights on me. - Mommy, I made you this.
The airlines are taking care of it.
I got a direct flight. Hello?
You made this for me? (CHUCKLES)
BAILEY: You wanna know why you're so big?
ALLYSON: Why?
Because you love us the most of everybody.
Where's Daddy?
Up in the plane in the sky, where he always is.
Ouch. That's not right.
Mom! Beck's playing in the toilet again!
SEAN: No, no, no. Not the potty.
Not the potty! Not the potty!
It's fine.
ALLYSON: Beck!
Oh.
Sean, I don't know.
I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna celebrate Mother's Day ever again.
Why would you say that?
Because I am terrible at this, in every single way.
So just do not celebrate me!
What? Come on.
You are an awesome mom.
The kids are messy, you know. Kids get messy.
Oh, yeah?
I ran out of space, so I did the rest on the wall.
SEAN: On the wall?
She's writing on the wall?
What kind of markers is she using?
The come-off kind? Hello?
(PHONE BEEPS)
You got kids? Want mine? (CHUCKLES)
(♪♪♪)
Ah.
- Hey. - (LAUGHTER)
ALLYSON: Now that's a mom.
Talk about perfect.
Oh, yeah, I bet she has a nanny.
Okay, everybody, best behavior. It's Mother's Day.
Mommy, let me do it.
No, baby. We're running really late today, okay?
Let me!
Mom, slow down.
Walk with me, Zoe. Just walk and talk.
But, Mom, you're, like, the fastest person on Earth.
ALLYSON: This is Sondra.
My Catcher in the Rye. My crutch.
My Dr. Phil, Oprah and Gandalf all rolled into one ball of goodness.
Her only perceived flaw is that she has no idea what auto-correct is.
No. No, no, that's not what I...
Oh! Technology!
(SCOFFS)
Mom, it's really... It's just a dance
and there's gonna be some laser lights
and some glow sticks and that's it.
A rave is not a dance. Trust your mother.
But, Mom, a lot of the kids from church are...
- Uh, uh, uh... - They're even...
- I don't care! - Seriously?
I don't care!
- Come on, have a heart. - Zoe!
Mom, you always do this.
You're gonna murder my social life.
Well, maybe it deserves to die.
You know you're not allowed to date until you're 17,
so we have a winner.
Yeah, and a loser.
I have "Preacher's Kid" stamped on my forehead.
Oh, there you are.
- Did you find my notes? - Yeah, right there.
Perfect. Where'd you find them? I looked everywhere.
- I'll just take that. - What's wrong with that one?
Video guy says your tie is strobing,
so this one will be better.
Okay. Notes were on your desk, corner pile.
- Hey, Dad. (CHUCKLES) - Hey.
You were so awesome in the first service
and I was just wondering what...
Sweetheart, I know what you're doing,
but we've already talked and we agree.
Points for trying, though.
I didn't even get a fair shot.
- Love you. - SONDRA: Love you.
(♪♪♪)
(EXHALES)
Good morning. Somebody has a birthday, right?
Nice to see you.
(WHISPERS) Come here.
- Hey, did you get that recipe I sent? - Yes. Thank you.
Oh, good. Good. Nice to see you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hey, Ally, hey.
Oh, you having a rough morning?
Sondra, just tell me it's all gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be okay. Just give it five years and you'll be...
- Years? - Seven or five...
Do you want me to help you with the kids?
Brandon!
Buddy, what are you doing?
- Do you need some help? - No, I've come this far.
- I am going to finish this. - Okay.
Let's go. Let's go. This way. This way. Around. Around. Let's go.
Good morning, y'all! How is everyone?
BOTH: Great.
Oh, Sondra. You are such an inspiration to me.
(LAUGHS) And you. You are so blessed to have her as your mother.
- I am just so blessed. - (PATTING ARM)
Mmm-hmm.
(CRYING)
Let go. Let go, let go, let go!
ALLYSON: This is my best friend, Izzy.
We pretty much do everything together.
In grade school she was wild and popular,
and I was an introvert with braces.
And this is Marco, her husband.
He's always had three irrational fears,
(LOW PANTING)
luchadores, biker gangs and small children.
This makes him particularly vulnerable at Halloween.
- KIDS: Trick or treat! - Oh!
(♪♪♪)
Izzy!
They're talking to me again.
Doing fine, babe!
I'm just supposed to check them in.
Oh.
- Hey! - What?
Don't kill the messenger,
but the Sunday school coordinator said
to remember your number this time.
(SIGHS) Yes. Yes. Okay, fine. Just please,
please don't page me over something trivial.
Um, the fire department didn't think it was trivial.
- Izzy, look at me. - Ugh!
I just... I need one hour to myself on Mother's Day.
(WHISPERS) Please.
Like, like, me with 20 toddlers.
Thank you. You're a servant.
And fix the eye. It's really weird, even for me.
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES SOFTLY)
Where is it?
Come on. Come on.
(FRUSTRATED SIGH)
(WHISPERS) All right.
Well, okay.
(LOW GRUNT)
(EXHALES) Work. Work!
Why won't you work? Come on!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(♪♪♪)
(DISPENSER WHIRRS)
(SHUDDERING LAUGHTER)
Psalm 127 says that children are a blessing from the Lord.
Excuse me, can I get...
That's why the position of mother is a high calling
and one that should be honored and protected.
And let's be honest, I know what you're thinking.
"Should I be happy when my child
"shoves a Fruit Roll-Up in the DVD player?"
(QUIETLY) What are you doing? What are you doing?
Ooh, sorry. Can I have my shoe?
Thank you.
I know for some of you, Mother's Day can be hard.
If you're like my wife,
Mother's Day is when you examine all your efforts
and wonder whether it's worth it when you have to sacrifice so much.
Okay.
Or whether you're having an impact at all when that teen rebels,
or whether you're really a good mother by some measure that
you've created in your own mind.
- (SIGHS) - So as we get started today,
what I want to say to every mother here...
(WHISPERS) Allyson.
(QUIETLY) Look, I know you didn't want to be paged,
but Beck has an especially large head
and those are especially small potties.
But good news. We found a screwdriver.
I mean, we got the seat off the toilet,
but we don't know how to get it off, um, Beck's head.
(LOUDLY) What?
RAY: In a moment, our music...
- (SERMON STOPS) - (QUIET GASPS, COUGHING)
Our music minister's gonna come and, uh, lead us in song.
And, uh, we're gonna continue the worship.
(SHUDDERING EXHALE)
- Okay. - Uh, we're gonna continue.
(DOOR CLOSES)
SEAN: Whoa.
- (SHOES SQUEAKING AGAINST FLOOR) - (EXHALES)
Hey, hon?
(WHISPERS) Uh, Ally?
(♪♪♪)
Hey.
- You're home. Hi. - What happened?
Just taking a little break.
Mommy time.
- Okay. - I ate the whole bag.
- Yeah? That's okay. - Yeah.
- Okay.
Seriously, the whole bag?
(SIGHING) Actually, I'm hiding.
From what?
The house.
- It's awful. - It's not awful.
- It's awful. - No, it's not.
- It's bad. - So bad.
No, it's bad, but it's not awful.
I mean, some of it's awful.
SEAN: Uh... What do you got going over here?
Sondra posted this.
I can't stop watching. And I don't know why.
(SIGHS)
Weird.
Happy Mother's Day.
(♪♪♪)
(CHOKED UP) It's really sweet.
What? Hon.
They're just flowers.
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna get up and clean.
I'm gonna get up and clean.
I'm gonna... (EXHALES) I'm gonna go right now.
'Kay, here we go.
Nothing's happening.
(WHISPERS) I'm stress-paralyzed.
- I don't think that's a thing. - (LONG WHINY GROAN)
It might be a thing.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I just... I need...
I just need a second.
I don't think you're fine.
I love these shoes!
(SOFT GASP)
I haven't worn these in, like, two years.
Well, they're good shoes.
(SOBBING) They make my legs look so good!
Honey. Come on.
(MUTTERS)
(SQUEAKY) I'm okay, I'm gonna be fine.
It's okay, we'll make it okay.
Okay.
I wanna go to sleep.
Okay.
(ALLYSON SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
(MUMBLES) I love you.
I love you, too.
Just... Just sleep here for a little while.
BOTH: Mmm.
(CHICKS CHEEPING)
That's like an eagle, right?
RAY: Oh, not again with the bird.
You're watching a bird!
It's live. I might miss something.
GLENDA: Y'all, it changed me.
I mean, it is profound.
I mean, I only read the introduction,
but it is revolutionary in my life.
ALLYSON: Reading books is something I aspire to, but I have three kids.
So, yeah, I don't read books.
But being in a book club makes me feel like I read books.
I can feel it.
Every time I go to the mall there's a parking space right out in front.
There's never a parking space
right there in the front.
But there is, y'all, every time.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
- (INAUDIBLE) - Come on! Play with me!
(MOUTHING) What?
GLENDA: It's not like pretty music at all. It's hot in there.
(WHISPERS) Help!
GLENDA: I'm talking about the new mall.
It's The Favor.
(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)
Take some of your old recipes and just rip them up.
(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)
You just zero in on what store's got the best bargains.
And come on, when you're happy and got a bargain,
your husband's gonna be happy about the savings.
(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)
It can help you find that red pair of pumps you need.
It's kind of shopping karma.
(GLENDA CONTINUES TALKING)
Emma, remember we went and bought those prom dresses out there?
I get the sale of the century, and you wanna know why?
It's The Favor.
Amen?
Yes, sister!
GLENDA: Oh, Sondra. That is just...
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
That was...
Would anyone else like to share? Anything? Okay, well...
We didn't even get to talk about when there is a discount involved.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(♪♪♪)
(HEAVY SIGH)
(♪♪♪)
He's going to love this.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, honey.
Hey.
Daddy!
Check this out.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
Yeah, she, um, said she wanted to be an artist when she grew up. So...
Wow! That is awesome.
You know what? You got a lot of talent.
- This wall could be worth something someday. - Mmm.
SEAN: Okay, here you go.
All right.
You know what I wanted to be when I was a boy?
- A basketball player. - (LAUGHING)
Don't laugh.
There is a proud tradition of white, short basketball players.
(LAUGHS)
What is this?
This... This is a house that your daddy's making.
Isn't it so beautiful?
Is that a window?
Yeah, it is.
If you move it over here, then you can see the pool.
Huh.
BAILEY: I'm gonna go play. See you.
- Okay. - Okay, see you, babe.
Interesting.
You know what I wanted when I was a kid?
What?
(SOFTLY) This.
(♪♪♪)
I wanted to be a mom.
Marry a wonderful man, and I did.
Have beautiful babies and raise them, and I did. I am.
I don't get it, Sean. (WRY LAUGH)
This was my dream. I am literally living it
and I'm not happy.
(SIGHS)
Why do I feel like this?
I don't know.
(♪♪♪)
I'm a horrible person.
No. No, you're not a horrible person.
Just tired.
Sorry.
You don't have to be sorry, all right?
You don't have to be sorry.
You have to choose to do something for yourself.
Do something for yourself.
You have to do it. You're the only one who can do that.
Sean. But...
It's the kind of thing that if you just...
Sean, I don't need a lecture right now.
What? This is not a lecture.
This is not helpful in this particular moment.
I'm not lecturing you.
Honey, I'm listening to you.
I'm sitting here and I am listening to you.
I know, I know you're listening.
And I'm hearing you.
(SEAN EXHALES)
You doing both of those things?
- Listening and hearing? - (CHUCKLES)
I am. I'm very talented.
- Oh. You are talented. - Yes, I am.
I'm showing marked improvement. You have to give me that.
- I'm... I... - I want credit.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who is that?
(SIGHS) That'll be Bridget.
What?
Yeah, I called Bridget and invited her to dinner, and, uh, then I forgot.
Dinner?
- Yeah. - BRIDGET: Open up, you community of losers.
- I'm hungry. - It's okay. Just...
You know, it's fine. We'll just whip something up.
- Oh, we'll just whip something up? - Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause that's usually how that happens. We do it together.
Looking forward to whipping something up with you, together.
Wind it up! Whoop, whoop!
ALLYSON: This is Sean's half-sister, Bridget.
Bridget says awkward things. Bridget has no filter.
Hey, I'm not done with that!
Give it back.
So, um, great news. I got a new job.
We needed a little more,
so, um, I picked up a night shift at a bowling alley.
- ALLYSON: Cool. - (BRIDGET LAUGHS)
SEAN: That is unbelievably cool.
ALLYSON: Oh, no. Here it comes.
She knows I compulsively take care of people.
(ALLYSON READING)
I can't say no.
I start on Saturday night and I was hoping
you could watch Phoenix while I work.
- Saturday night? - Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, um, normally, yes.
But I'm actually glad you brought that up
because I planned this, uh, moms' night thing.
- BRIDGET: Oh. - You what?
For Saturday.
You planned a moms' night?
I did. I planned one.
BRIDGET: You always babysit Phoenix on the weekends.
(LAUGHS) I was sort of counting on you when I got the job.
Yeah, um...
You know when a flight attendant
goes through the safety thing?
You know when they say, uh, you have to put on your oxygen mask first
- before assisting others? - Are we flying somewhere?
Is this what we're...
Yeah. Yeah, you need your oxygen mask.
You have to have your mask on before assisting others.
- Ah. - Right? Before you can help others!
BRIDGET: Wow, Sean. We get it!
It's a metaphor. I think we both... We got it.
It's a very good metaphor. Thank you for pointing that out.
You're welcome.
- You will go... - Saturday.
- Saturday night. You will go Saturday night. - Saturday night.
- Saturday night? - Saturday night.
- Really? - It's Saturday.
Oh, no! Sean can't play video games
on Saturday night with his loser friends.
First of all, that's low. You don't even know Kevin.
I know Kevin.
ALLYSON: Kevin is Sean's friend.
Sean met Kevin when they were in the fifth grade.
(BLOWING)
They started playing video games as juveniles.
They still play video games like juveniles.
Don't stand right behind me, move over!
No, no, no, no, no. Backup, backup.
(STAMMERS)
I just died.
ALLYSON: Kevin hates kids.
Well, I hate kids.
You don't hate kids.
I hate kids.
ALLYSON: Somehow Sean justifies this relationship.
No, I didn't shoot you.
The guy behind you shot you.
I use video games to transition from work stress.
That's my oxygen!
I put mine on, video, I can help you put yours on,
and then you can help the rest of the world.
Thank you.
(SIGHS) Who's gonna watch the baby? What about Joey?
ALLYSON: Joey is Bridget's ex.
He's a fun guy.
In a non-committal, allergic to all responsibility kind of way.
No. I tried that.
SEAN: Here's the thing, you're going out
and I'm gonna, uh, watch Phoenix.
- ALLYSON: You're gonna watch Phoenix? - I will watch Phoenix.
Big brother to the rescue once again and everybody's happy.
I don't need your charity and I certainly don't need your metaphors.
So I'm gonna go
get you to bed 'cause that's the responsible thing to do.
'Cause I'm so responsible.
Later.
See you later.
Look for your oxygen! You'll find it!
- (SIGHS) - (DOOR CLOSES)
Thought that went well.
And also, uh, Marco's bringing the twins over
because he's afraid to watch them alone.
- What? - Surprise! Sorry.
That's a lot of kids.
(♪♪♪)
(EXHALES)
(GROANING)
(♪♪♪)
Wow.
Wow, honey,
you look amazing.
Are you sure tonight's okay?
Because I'm starting to feel guilty again...
- It's fine! - That's okay?
- Come on! Yes! - Okay.
You're gonna have fun, all right?
- I've got this, all right? - Okay.
I'm not gonna call you unless there's a natural disaster
and then I might not even call you, okay?
The house could be flying,
- I'm not calling you at that point. - (LAUGHS)
- Promise me you'll do one thing. - Okay.
Promise me that you'll do whatever it takes to...
To unplug and just breathe.
(EXHALES)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
I promise.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
BRANDON: Kevin!
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Allyson.
Kevin?
Yeah, Kevin's coming.
- What? - He's gonna help with the kids.
He might help with the kids.
He's here to help. I think he had a free night.
Kevin is babysitting?
No, no, no, no. I'm babysitting. Kevin's just here.
Get in here, Stout Flipper. Let's do this.
ALLYSON: What?
His gamertag.
Please tell me you are not going to be
playing those violent video games...
BRANDON: Double kill!
With our son!
You know what? You're gonna have to define violence
because that Lego game you got him,
those characters shatter into, like,
a million pieces, and that is sick.
- What? - Right? Okay? Just breathe.
(INHALES)
(BOTH EXHALE)
Don't wanna know.
Not tonight, 'cause I love everybody.
(WHISPERING) I don't wanna know. I don't.
Destroy them all!
Okay, you know what childhood friends do eventually?
Oh, just say it.
- They grow up. - There it is!
BRANDON: Let's go.
One night, dude!
Okay.
Good. (INHALES)
I gotta breathe. (EXHALES)
Izzy. Breathe. (PANTING)
Breathe.
Hold on!
This is beautiful.
You're positive. Oh, crud!
I know you'll do great.
Uh, yeah. Okay, well, I mean, I have the wipies and I have the diapers.
I've got no red dye, 'cause I know it drives them crazy, right?
But you said there were three emergency numbers. I only have two, Izzy.
- I only... - Stop second-guessing yourself.
No, I'm actually not.
I have full confidence in myself
and my abilities as a father.
See, it's one night. I believe in you.
And you shouldn't.
I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen?
Serious injury, death, they could get maimed, I could lose both children!
It's getting hot in here! I feel...
We gotta get the air looked at.
So, good luck.
(♪♪♪)
Ah, you look gorgeous.
Okay. I wanna have crazy fun.
- Got it. - Get me out of here.
- Yes, ma'am. Let's go. - Now.
(♪♪♪)
Whose credit cards did this all go on?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
You are never wearing those.
Over my dead body, and my credit cards won't work if I'm dead.
ZOE: But everybody's wearing them.
SONDRA: Really?
Well, I'm not wearing them and your father's not wearing them. Thank God.
- ALLYSON: Hi! - I'll just be a second.
Okay.
Oh, wow. Ally's not wearing them.
- So, whose car are we taking? - Oh, can we take Ray's?
I can't be seen riding around in Ray's midlife crisis,
and anyway, it's a cop magnet.
I am so sorry that I wanna go out with a guy that I met from church!
How wild of me. Wow, I'm so crazy!
- Hold on. - Okay.
Okay. You are not going anywhere until your father gets home
and he's gonna agree with me when he gets home,
so good luck with that.
Here I come.
Oh, yeah. Oh, good! Okay.
IZZY: It was working a minute ago.
Why does it keep cutting out?
Well, because my daughter spilled apple juice all over it.
Here, you just have to...
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)
Kind of loud!
ALLYSON: The volume doesn't really work either.
(♪♪♪)
Yes.
SONDRA: What about a CD, hmm?
Oh. Do you have any Amy Grant?
(♪♪♪)
Uh...
Okay, let me check.
ALLYSON: Oh, no! No, don't touch that!
- (ALL GROANING) - ♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G
♪ H, I, J, K...
This happened once before. It's fine.
♪ Q, R, S, T...
(MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(MUSIC STOPS)
SONDRA: Ooh, well, now I know my ABC's.
Hey, good news is we got a great parking spot.
Right under the light.
Safest place.
Oh, yeah. I read that blog.
You know what, ladies?
Tonight is our night
and we look good.
Mmm-hmm.
- Let's do it. - Let's do it.
(♪♪♪)
Hello, welcome to Chez Magique. Your journey awaits you.
Ooh. Field, party of three.
Okay, uh, what is your name?
- Field. - Hmm.
I cannot seem to find your reservation on my scroll.
Sorry.
But I...
I...
It's only a two-and-a-half-hour wait. Totally worth it.
And during that time, you're more than welcome
to observe the art in the gallery.
I don't want to observe art.
I know. It's really exhausting, right?
Look, I scouted, I planned, I got the Groupon, I made a reservation.
I did everything required of me,
so there must be some mistake.
How about this? Why don't I go back
and talk to my visionary for you?
Your what?
My manager.
Oh, yeah.
Just wait here, 'Kay?
(SIGHS)
Is everything okay?
No, they lost our reservation.
The wait is two and a half hours.
This is going to completely ruin our night.
SONDRA: No, no. You know what? Everything is gonna be okay.
There is a man-child playing death video games at home
with my son. I'm just... You know what...
Ally, Ally. Relax.
I'm sure Sean has everything under control.
Relax.
ALLYSON: I've played it all out.
Right now, I bet he's playing some game with the kids,
like cops and robbers,
and it's gotten totally out of control.
- This is out of control, Sean! - It's not out of control!
This is totally out of control. It's out of control.
No, it's not.
- I can't see the kids. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
ALLYSON: And the house is a wreck and Brandon is
playing death video games.
SEAN: I know you can do it!
You may not have any sense of what you're doing. None of us do!
I didn't sign up for this. I did not sign up for this.
ALLYSON: And I bet Marco is all freaked out and overwhelmed,
and Sean is giving him the Braveheart speech.
This is your moment!
Let me tell you something, okay?
Fatherhood's about manning up!
ALLYSON: And one of the twins is in a video game coma,
which will make him have nightmares
and will make Izzy mad at me on Monday.
I've played it all out.
- Joey? - (CHUCKLING) Hey.
- Hi, Allyson. - Hi.
I didn't recognize you without your kids.
What are you doing here?
- Just meeting somebody. - Oh.
We're just having dinner. Little girls' night.
Yeah, yeah. Bridget told me.
No, Zoe. I told you, you cannot take your father's car.
And if you know where you're going,
why don't you just tell me where it is?
Yeah, it is so simple.
(PATRONS LAUGHING)
Have a nice night.
'Kay.
Hey, if you talk to Bridget,
don't tell her you ran into me, okay?
What? Wait, why not?
So, after a very helpful consultation with my superior,
there is a very special table that awaits you
next Saturday, because that's when you made your reservation.
No, no, no, I didn't. I, um, called on Monday...
You did. You called and you spoke with Brie.
- ALLYSON: Yes! Brie, yes, yes. - Remember her?
Yeah, she's really pretty. And you said next Saturday.
Yes. Next Saturday, as in the next available Saturday.
The next one that exists. The next one to be.
No. Next Saturday would be
the Saturday immediately following
the current week you are in.
No, it's the one immediately following whatever day it is.
That's what next means.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
No. That would be "this" Saturday.
As in, like, this pen here.
As in, like, this little mousey thing. As in this phone.
Like, "Oh, hello, I'd like to make a reservation for this Saturday."
"Oh, you mean today? Yes, you may." See, like that.
But, you didn't say "this," you said "next."
I don't care what I said! Just give me a table!
Okay, Ally, I think she gets the idea.
Yeah. You're getting a little angry
and it's doing something ugly to your face.
You don't look good.
ALLYSON: I'm sorry, I just...
Can you help a girl out?
- This is my first night out in forever! - Aw.
And I'm wearing heels, I'm carrying a small purse.
I just wanna sit down with my friends and enjoy a meal
without three little people clawing all over me!
So, let us know when a table's available.
Okay, I'll do that.
I just... I need a break because my job never ends.
So can you please just check your scroll
and maybe just change your scroll?
Oh, um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Visionary has decided that you've disrupted the aura
and you need to leave.
(SQUEAKS) What?
(LAUGHING) What? The...
(SIGHS) This is a restaurant!
This used to be Mike's Barbeque!
- How dare you talk. - SONDRA: Okay, we gotta go.
The aura? Really, aura?
These are so good.
Goodbye.
I made a reservation. This is unbelievable.
I didn't wanna eat there anyway. I just need to eat somewhere.
Not a big deal, Ally, we can do this another night.
No! We're not doing this another night.
Because tonight is our night
- and tonight is not a failure! - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
Just one second.
Marco is so clueless sometimes!
- Zoe. - Are you really gonna just...
I told you not to go anywhere until your father got...
No, Zoe. You listen to me. Don't go anywhere until...
Marco forgot the wipes. I mean, seriously?
- What are you doing? - (HORN BLARING)
What are you doing?
- I'm saving your life. - I'm sorry,
- I may have to go. - No, you're not gonna do that either.
- This is my life. - I need my phone!
I need my phone! Ally, Ally, I need my phone!
Honey, let's just talk about this!
Don't do anything crazy!
I was in the middle of a text!
Marco can find the rash cream on his own.
I have full confidence he can do it.
Except he can't.
Sean told me to unplug! This is me unplugging, okay?
I'm listening to my husband, Sondra. It's biblical, right?
SONDRA: It is biblical.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
ALLYSON: Okay.
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
No phones! No phones!
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna, we're gonna...
We're gonna, um...
We're gonna go bowling!
Who wants to go bowling? I know I do. Sondra?
- Fine. Absolutely. - Yes!
Bowling it is. Let's go.
(SIGHS) I'm letting my hair down, ladies.
I am not wearing vending machine socks.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
BOTH: Whoa.
(STAMMERING ANGRILY)
You all right?
Yes, yes, I'm, I'm fine.
I'm under control.
Would you help me get my kids out?
- (BIRD SHRIEKS) - Whoa, whoa.
- SEAN: What was that? - It's a bird.
- A bird? - Yes, it's a bird, okay?
My kids, they wanted to bring the pet bird.
SEAN: And you let them?
I didn't know it was gonna be flying all over the place!
Why didn't you put it in the cage?
You don't think I thought of that?
Look, it was in the cage,
and the locking mechanism isn't exactly very intuitive.
Stay, Mama.
Its name is Mama?
Yes, its name is Mama.
Izzy was the one that let the twins name her, okay?
- You got a bird flying around, Marco! - Shh.
SEAN: I don't think he's scared.
- I think he doesn't wanna hurt... - (BIRD SCREECHING)
Okay, so here's the plan.
We take them inside, get their hand stamped and they can't get out.
Like Shawshank Redemption.
I love it.
(GROUP CHEERING)
Hey!
(LAUGHING)
- Oh, hi. - Good for you.
Good job.
Why don't you go ahead and just...
That kind of... That threw me a little bit.
Well, this was a good idea, Ally.
We're having fun after all.
Hey, um, so I am really sorry about
that horrifying display back there.
I actually think I might be going a little bit crazy.
No, you were just having a moment. That's all.
It was, like, my fifth one this week. So...
It happens to everyone.
- (LAUGHS) Really? - Mmm-hmm.
Yet somehow I can't quite picture you having a moment like that.
So, how is the blog going?
Oh, the blog.
It's... It's
not coming really at all.
I can't...
I can't really find anything worth saying.
And then when I sit down to try,
I just wind up staring at that eagle's nest.
You have completely ruined me.
And Ray thinks it's crazy.
No, seriously, I cannot stop watching it.
Like, it is a problem.
I don't know, Sondra. I just feel like
she's so there.
You know, like, she's peaceful.
And she's happy.
Are you happy?
Look, Ally.
Life is not about a parking space.
It's not about God taking away all our problems
and making everything perfect.
It's about finding the meaning and the joy and the purpose in this,
in all the chaos and the crazy.
And it's knowing...
It's knowing that God is with you
on the good days and the bad days.
You know, does my faith give me that?
Yes, it does.
Am I always happy? No, that's a fantasy.
- Think I'm... - Hmm.
- Hey, Ally. - Yeah.
Thank you for inviting me tonight.
You know, it's the first time anyone from the church has invited me
to something like this for... First time in five years.
Of course.
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
- Hey, yeah. Yes, going. - Ooh.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Little free advice.
Sure.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
(CELL PHONES RINGING)
(CELL PHONES DINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hey, Ally. It's me.
Uh, just wanted to let you know that
everything is going great here.
Uh, we're all good.
Um, we're gonna take a little trip to the hospital.
Are you kidding me? You want 50 tickets for this?
That's extortion.
Beck got himself caught in the Rocket to Mars game.
They didn't have to use the jaws of life to get him out this time,
thank goodness.
Uh, he's free now and he's looking good,
his vitals are good. He's stable.
They say we gotta take him down
to have him looked at, anyway.
Uh, a matter of policy, which is fine, because I sort of, um...
I dislocated my shoulder trying to get him out of there.
(CHUCKLES) Funny thing.
KEVIN: We spent 50 bucks and got 200 tickets,
so I expect something of equal or greater value.
- Like a, like a, like a... - Puppy!
Yes! A live animal.
I want something like a live animal.
Like a turtle or one of those pet pigs.
I'd like a pet pig.
SEAN: Me and the Beckster are kind of cruising on our own.
(GROANS) They need the minivan to move the kids around.
We know where you are, so we're just gonna slip into the parking lot
and switch the keys out for the minivan.
And, uh, Marco told, uh... Texted Izzy that, so she should...
She should know that.
Uh, I'm pretty sure she got most of that.
What about the bouncy balls, right?
I mean, kids like the bouncy balls.
Marco, that's a choking hazard.
Why am I the only one that knows this stuff?
(♪♪♪)
DJ: Watch out, ladies and gentlemen.
- It's time for the Dance Cam! - (CHEERING)
Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be?
Oh, that is loud. That's very loud.
DJ: The winner of tonight's Dance Cam...
Oh, my.
- gets a free month of bowling! - (CHEERING)
Yeah, let me hear you! Uh-huh!
All right!
Michelle! Nice moves.
It's not Michelle. All right, it's Ashley.
Everyone, give it up for Ashley.
(APPLAUSE)
Back to the music.
Okay, so, how far along are you?
- What? - Well, you're...
No, because if I was, I would be freaking out
that my husband would go whimpering into
a fetal position like he did last time.
I gotta be honest with you, I didn't get any of that.
(ALLYSON GASPS)
Six pins down, ladies! Beat that, Sondra.
That's more than six.
ALLYSON: Oh!
(GROANS) Moral dilemma.
Ally?
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Hey, Bridge.
Yeah, we're, uh, you know, glow-in-the-dark bowling.
Which is so fun!
It is, really. But it's actually not that fun.
Okay, anyone else who wants to be on the Dance Cam?
Did you see that?
Oh, no, no, no. We can't have any of this at our table.
- No, this does not look good. That does not look good. - (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Dance!
Wiggle. Do anything.
These aren't mine. I don't drink.
No, these are not mine.
I can't. No, I don't dance.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
No, I got to get over and...
(CROWD BOOING)
(BUZZER BUZZING)
DJ: Boo!
You, ma'am, are an embarrassment.
That's a Dance Fail.
- It's right there. - Yeah, she tried. She tried, though.
- She tried hard. - She tried.
Oh, hey, um...
Actually, I was just wondering,
who'd you wind up getting to babysit Phoenix?
Oh, I just asked Joey to do it.
I think you were right. He owed Phoenix some Daddy time.
Joey?
Joey, as in your ex-boyfriend Joey? That Joey?
Yes, yes. That Joey, why?
Know what? Um, no.
- Why? - (SIGHS)
What's going on?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey.
Hi, welcome to Chez Magique. Your journey awaits you.
Great, thanks.
- Oh, uh, no! You need to wait here. - (CHUCKLES)
Are you kidding me? Move.
- Um, I will not move. (CHUCKLES) - ALLYSON: Um, yes, you will,
or so help me,
I will take this aura in here and I will murder it!
You're kidding me.
BOTH: No.
(CHUCKLES)
Whatever.
Namaste.
- Here, take the bird. - I don't want the bird.
Oh, no, you gotta take the bird.
There's no way the boys are gonna get in the car without the bird.
- (SCOFFS) I don't want the bird. - Take the bird!
Hey, where's the car seat?
Yeah, dude. Everybody knows you need a car seat.
You gotta get the car seat. That's the whole point.
What am I gonna do with a bird?
Don't talk to me.
Joey!
Seriously?
I leave Phoenix with you for one night!
He's fine. Somebody's watching him.
So that you can take your tramp out for chocolate cake?
Oh, that's great.
Hi, I'm Bridget. Nice to meet you.
This is totally not what it looks like.
Where is he?
(ENGINE STARTING)
♪ Do it again!
♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G
♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N... ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Man.
(CHIRPING)
No! (GASPS)
No, no, no, no, no. Sean, tell me that was not my bird.
Tell me that was not my bird that just flew away.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey, that's our parking spot! (GROANS) - (CAR LOCK BEEPS)
Who has him?
Bones.
(CHUCKLES)
Bones.
Bones from the tattoo parlor, Bones?
Yeah, yeah. He said he could hang there until I pick him up.
He's at the tattoo parlor?
JOEY: He's not getting a tattoo!
I am not going in there!
- You gotta go in there. - I don't wanna go in there.
Because this night will never end! That's why you gotta go in.
I said, I promised, I vowed. I said, you know, everything, and then I walk in?
Please. I'm just not going in there.
It's a matter of principle. Okay?
Marco, give me your keys.
We'll leave my car in this general area for the girls.
You guys take the van and the kids to my house. Geez, this is confusing.
I gotta get Beck to the hospital.
BOTH: Beck's fine.
Did you hear the fire guy? It's policy!
Now, make the transition.
But what about my bird?
I got an idea. I got an idea.
I saw this on Animal Planet once.
- They come back. - What, like this?
- Yeah. - Mama!
It's not a falcon.
I am not overreacting!
I'm calling from Chez Magique.
There's a crazy lady in my restaurant.
She just brought her crazy baby sister, or mini-her.
There's two crazy ladies now.
One crazy lady first. Now two crazy ladies.
- (SCREAMING) - Chez Magique.
Marco! Get it off! Get it off!
Marco! Marco!
Where's the bird? Do you see it?
Shh. Where's my bird? Where's my bird?
I sat on it.
- Hmm. - I'm dead.
- I'm gonna kill you! - No, no.
- Kill you! - ALLYSON: Stop, stop. Okay, okay.
In your sleep!
ALLYSON: Yep, yep. Okay. Let's go.
JOEY: It's...
Just, it's nothing. It's...
How am I supposed to get him?
I took the bus to get here.
If I leave work early on my first night,
I'm gonna get fired! On my first night!
I need this job.
- Ally. - I've got the van.
We'll run, we'll pick him up. We can fix this.
Get right back on schedule.
Best night out ever will just be on pause for 30 minutes, right?
And then do what with the baby?
I haven't gotten that far yet. Let's get the van, then...
Where's the van?
I parked it right there.
IZZY: It only takes a couple of seconds to steal a car.
That's what Marco says. Always lock everything up.
I did! Am I crazy?
So, what do I do? Do I report it to the police?
With what phones?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!
You guys don't have phones?
Okay, I'm freaking out now.
My phone's back at work. We'll just use mine.
Okay, great. Let's go.
Oh, hey, can you ask them and see if they saw anything?
And don't forget our shoes.
But maybe not wear them. My feet are killing me.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh, uh, there, uh...
There are a bunch of stickers on there.
So, there's a fish one that's pretty faded.
And, um, "Eat Organic."
"My homeschooler is smarter than your honor student."
(STAMMERING) There are a bunch of others,
but I don't really wanna talk about them.
But you get the idea. Okay?
It's an emergency. It's personal.
ALLYSON: We think it was taken sometime around 8:00.
- Hey, I called a cab. - Great.
Okay, thank you very much.
Are you sure this is the fastest way to Davis Street?
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Absolutely. This is the fastest way.
Why don't you just cut over on to Eighth?
He should take the expressway.
Are you from England?
No, I just watched a little bit of the BBC and I picked up the accent.
I'm a cabbie, luv. It's my occupation.
Why do people from other countries always sound smarter?
Because we are smarter, which is why this is the fastest way.
- Okay, can you step on it? - Why, you're all very lovely,
but, no, I'm not gonna get a ticket for the four of you.
Well, we're trying to find her baby,
who happens to be stuck in a tattoo parlor.
Yeah, well, that's none of my business.
Are you having a laugh?
- (HORN HONKING) - Road, road, road!
- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (HORN BLARING)
- Right! - Watch...
Right.
Onward!
I'm sorry. Where are we going again?
So, can you wait just five minutes?
Is that an actual five minutes,
or is that a ladies' night five minutes?
How long can it take to get a baby?
Is Bones here?
Yeah, he's working.
Can you go get him, please? 'Cause I have a question for him.
- (OVERLAPPING TALKING) - He, apparently, has her baby...
BRIDGET: I need to talk to him right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Simmer down, y'all. I can't even understand what you're saying right now.
Like, Chill.
For real.
Look, we're here to get Phoenix.
See, that's what I'm talking about. Phoenix.
Rising from the ashes.
That's number 97 over there.
But I think you should do it across your back,
'cause it'll be real pretty-like right there.
No, no, no, she was talking...
- Shh! - Sorry.
Phoenix is my baby.
Well, do you have a picture?
'Cause Bones needs a picture to get the tattoo perfect.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause them little hellions are hard to draw.
(OVERLAPPING TALKING)
None of us want a tattoo!
I want a tattoo.
- Yeah, you do. - Okay.
Phoenix is my baby and he's in the back.
And we are here to pick him up.
But who would bring a baby to a tattoo parlor?
- Like, that's dumb. That's real dumb. - BRIDGET: I know, right?
- (GROANS) - (OVERLAPPING TALKING)
Yeah, that's actually a viable question.
(OVERLAPPING TALKING CONTINUES)
Illegal.
(♪♪♪)
Hello.
Okay, I'm officially freaking out now.
Bridget, it's gonna be okay.
(MACHINE BUZZING)
Okay, so, there's no baby back there, which is awesome.
But you guys had me. I was a little scared,
like, maybe you were from the health department or something.
Okay. We're gonna come up with a plan.
You were gonna arrest me,
or maybe worse, cut off my hair, like, what!
- We'll figure it out. - Okay.
What would happen if you cut my hair?
It's okay, though. Look, Bones is gonna help you when he's done.
Everything's okay. Like, we're good.
I need to talk to Bones right now!
You can't rush art.
BRIDGET: What is wrong with you?
- (OVERLAPPING TALKING) - Are you hearing what I'm saying?
You know what? I am just... I'm gonna call the police.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Look, calm down.
Look, you're scaring everyone.
Like, look, seriously, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave
and take your little Housewives of Ohio with you.
- Like, for real. Go. You just scared everyone. - Ladies.
And take this one, 'cause she's been eyeing me the whole night.
- Follow me. - Follow mama bear. That's right.
I was just kidding. You're cute.
I'm married.
I love you.
(SIGHS)
So, what do I do? Should I call the police? Ally?
I don't...
Okay, ladies. Follow me.
- ALLYSON: What? - Back door.
- (DOGS BARKING) - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
- (CLATTERING) - Oh!
Watch it. Watch it, ladies.
Germs. Germs everywhere!
Be careful there.
Okay, don't touch that. There's hair in it.
Okay.
- (SIGHS) - (CAT YOWLING)
You know, this is a bad idea.
No, no, no, no! We can get this open, right?
- Who wants to help? - Bridge...
Ain't no money back here, so turn yours...
- Hey. - Bones, it's me, Bridget.
Bridget. Hey, baby girl, what are you doing back here?
Oh, I'm just here to get Phoenix.
Joey said he dropped him off with you, right?
Yeah. Oh.
I love that kid.
You ever notice that he snorts when he starts to laugh?
Adorable, he really is, but...
Do I know you from somewhere?
My husband is the pastor of First Baptist.
No, that's not it.
I can't go an hour without a smoke, and it's an awful habit.
I also know that you should not do that around a baby... Bonnaroo?
No. (CHUCKLES)
I could have swore I know you...
Bones, Bone, Bones! My baby.
So, I called Caprice and Caprice said
she'd take him until Joe got back.
- Caprice Stevens? - Mmm-hmm.
Joey's ex! (CHUCKLES)
It's okay. She don't smoke.
She's a non-smoker. You need her address?
No, I know where she lives!
You ladies should really stay out of the alleys, though.
There's some unsavory types of fellows hanging out back here.
- Open this door now! - Ladies, ladies. Can we not...
Oi, what's going on?
Would someone please communicate with me?
- What's your problem? - Where is Caprice?
She went out, man.
Went out where?
She didn't say. Who are you?
We're here to pick up baby Phoenix, my nephew.
My son.
Oh, right, right. Yeah, your baby's been screaming his lungs out.
What do you mean? Why? Is he okay?
- What happened? - Where did she go?
I told you, I don't know.
Okay. Let me in here, you worthless pothead!
- (OVERLAPPING TALKING) - CABBIE: Whoa, whoa.
Let me handle this, girls. Let me handle this.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, you. Now, look at you.
You pathetic primitive. You leech on society.
You, that represent everything that's wrong with the American economy.
Here's what we're gonna do. Listen very closely.
In three...
Oi!
- (KNOCKING) - Open the door!
I do not like that! Would you please...
Yes. As I was...
(GRUNTING)
Ow! Would you please stop?
- Why are you being a baby? - I'm not.
- (KNOCKING) - BRIDGET: Bones, help!
Bones!
I thought I told y'all to stay out of the alley.
What's wrong, darling?
Caprice was not there.
There's some guy named Hank
and he said she took Phoenix,
but he wouldn't tell us where.
- And then he assaulted our cab driver. - Right in the nose.
Blood everywhere.
Lollapalooza?
No.
- Ozzfest? - Never.
- Live Aid? - Please stop.
Can we please pull the conversation back to my missing child?
I have no idea where he is and I'm just...
I'm just worried sick about him
and I didn't know where else to turn, so... (SIGHS)
Why did you leave him?
(KNOCKING)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
All right, fine!
I'm coming.
HANK: Why you gotta be so loud?
- BONES: Hello, Hank. - (SCREAMS)
Hank, where's the baby?
Bones, I don't know.
Don't lie to me.
- I'm not lying! - You know what's gonna happen to you?
- Where'd she say she was going? - Um...
I believe her exact words were,
"I need a drink"?
You let Caprice, six months sober,
go out drinking with a baby?
Yes.
Hank, you deserve this.
(GASPS)
That's what I would have done.
(THUD)
(BONES SIGHS)
I hate to be the one to tell you this.
Seems as if your baby is the drinking buddy of a relapsing alcoholic.
Oh.
- Breathe. - We don't have
much time. We should go.
- Let's go. - BRIDGET: Let's go! Come on!
(ENGINE STARTS)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
What's all that ruckus over there?
Honey, you know it ain't no telling.
Lord have mercy. Those people across the street.
Your momma be here in a little bit, baby, I'm sure.
Aw.
SEAN: Here we go.
Okay.
Hey, Sean. What's going on?
Hey, Ray. What are you doing here?
I'm seeing a church member.
Have you heard from the girls? I can't get a hold of Sondra.
(HORN HONKING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
- (BRIDGET PANTING) - (CHUCKLES)
This phone is almost dead. Okay, okay, where are we going?
SEAN: Hello, Bridget?
No, honey, it's Ally.
(DISTORTED) We are in deep, deep trouble.
Hon, I can't hear you, you're breaking up.
- You said what? - Fifth Avenue.
- Bones was there. - I can't...
Hon, I can't hear you. Slow down.
Cab driver is bleeding everywhere. It's insane.
Who's bleeding? Somebody's bleeding?
- Did you say bleeding? - Whoa! Look out.
Hello?
- She's in trouble. We gotta go. - Yeah.
- (GROANING) - What?
Searing pain! Searing pain.
You know, we're in a hospital.
Yeah, sorry, it's just my shoulder. It's okay. I have a plan.
It's okay.
(SEAN PANTING)
- (THUMPS, GRUNTS) - Oh!
- That can't be good. - Okay, uh,
sir. Sir. Sir, I think you need to see a doctor about that.
(GROANS) I know. I know, but my wife's in trouble. It can wait. Hold on.
Third time's a charm. Third time.
(PANTING)
It's gonna be fine.
- Aah! - RAY: Oh!
- It worked! - NURSE: (GASPS) Seriously?
Yeah, it worked. It's good.
- RAY: You're good? - Yup. It's good. It's good.
All right. That's great. Why don't you let me drive, all right?
- (GROANS) - Come on. We're going for a little ride, buddy.
SEAN: She said something about a tattoo parlor
on Fifth and a guy named Bones.
Okay. All right. So just try and follow him. I'm sorry about this.
Not to worry, luv. I'm a trained professional.
I learned this doing a little stint in Germany.
The autobahn is no place for the faint of heart.
- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (SCREAMING)
IZZY: Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
This is nothing.
Wait. Is that...
That's my van!
♪ Sing with me! A, B, C, D... ♪
(MUSIC STOPS)
I did it! I did it! I did it! No more noise! No more music!
- (KIDS COMPLAINING) - Put it back on.
- What? - Put it back on right now!
- Where? - Get the van! The van!
Get the van!
That's my van!
That's my stolen van! Go get it! Get it!
BRIDGET: What about my baby?
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
He's getting away!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(GIRL SCREAMS)
- (SIRENS CONTINUE) - KEVIN: What are you doing?
I'm being followed by American Choppers back there.
Then go faster! Go faster!
No, no, no! No faster! No faster!
MARCO: Now the cops are following him, too!
Just get out of the way.
I've been trying to get out of the way, okay?
- They keep following me. I'm trying! - No, just get out of the way!
Light red. Light's red!
- Light's red! - I see it! I see it!
Don't do it!
- (SCREAMING) - (SIREN CONTINUES)
I have a sighting on that stolen van. A gray Sienna with...
With, I don't know, stickers.
No, no, no. No, no!
(SCREAMING)
You wanna mess with me?
You want a piece of this?
- Say hello to my little sippy cup, baby! - (TIRES SQUEAL)
Hey!
Well, how'd you like that, huh?
OFFICER: Looks like...
I don't know. Sippy cups.
Hey! That's my van! That's my stolen van!
Hey! Hey!
- What in... - Get the van!
Ma'am, get back in the vehicle!
Van! Yes, get it!
- (TIRES SQUEAL) - Get us off this crazy train!
- Everybody just hold on! - (OTHERS SCREAMING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(SIREN CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
I don't wanna die!
- (HORNS HONKING) - (SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
Are you okay?
Is everybody okay?
Oh, that's gonna swell.
(SIRENS CONTINUE)
(PANTING, CHUCKLES)
No, no. Why are you still following? Why are you still following?
Why are you still following me?
Good evening, Officer.
Driver! Put your hands out the window.
But...
Now, exit the vehicle slowly.
MARCO: Uh...
Did you get that biker back there?
Stay where you are, sir.
Sir, stop where you are.
Now back up three paces. Turn around, face the light.
No, the other light. Turn around! Toward the light.
- The light. That light? - That light. Yes.
Down on your knees, now!
Down on your knees!
- Sir? - Hands behind your head.
Stay there.
- Sir, is this your vehicle? - No, sir. It's...
- Stay right here! - Okay!
- Have you been drinking? - No, sir!
Is there someone else in this vehicle?
Yes.
Stay where you are.
CHILD: Uh-oh.
- (SQUEALS) - Hello!
What in the...
Sir, is this your vehicle?
- No! - No, sir!
Thank you, my dear.
- Is this your daddy? - BRANDON: No, sir.
Is that your daddy?
(GIGGLES) No, sir!
Who's your daddy?
BRANDON: (LAUGHING) He's in the hospital.
OFFICER: What's going on here?
He's taking us to his house, but I don't want to go!
You don't want to go? That's very bad. What else should I know?
He killed Mama.
He what?
Okay, no. I can explain. Mama's the name of the parakeet...
Down on your knees now! Down on your knees!
No, don't! Don't shoot, no!
Face down, face down! Right now.
No, no.
Dispatch, I need backup. Send units now!
- I'm down! I'm down! I'm down! - I need more units. Backup now.
Guess what, kids? We're all going to jail.
- We are going to jail! - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Aw, man, I hate jail!
(CRYING) Izzy's gonna kill me!
Don't move! We got a felon!
Ow. Ow.
SONDRA: Okay. All right! I'm sorry.
What happened?
I'm sorry about the flight mechanism, ladies.
I kinda lose it when I see those flashing lights.
I have a checkered past.
Okay, what about my van?
Well, it's quite a mess up there. I got as close as I could.
Um, they're hauling the criminals off now.
Seems it was stolen by a mentally unstable man
with some kids and a parakeet.
Marco?
What? Why does Marco have my van?
- Where are my kids? - It's okay.
What if they're in jail?
I don't think they can book a baby.
I may be wrong, but I don't think they can.
(♪♪♪)
BRIDGET: Go, go, go, go, go!
(GASPS)
I knew it! She took her daddy's car.
I told Zoe that if she went to that rave,
she was gonna learn the hard way.
Oh, her daddy is gonna kill her when
he finds out she's in the clink.
"Clink"? Really? Can you please move?
I'm sorry.
Come on!
Hey, I think you could probably just leave.
- Oh, no, darlin'. - No?
No, no. I'm totally committed to this thing.
I wanna see how it ends.
Yeah.
Are you taking my children?
SONDRA: Do you have my daughter?
BRIDGET: I need to file a missing person's report.
ALLYSON: Did you have my van come in here?
IZZY: I will find whatever foster care you take my children to.
She's just going through a phase.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second!
Ma'am, just wait a second. Hold on, and just one at a time...
Do not tell me to hold on. I have a missing child.
No. What she's trying to say is that...
Ally, stop, okay?
Nothing you've done tonight has helped in any way.
So just stop trying to fix things, okay?
This is what happens when you take away people's cell phones!
- Do you have my daughter? - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Ma'am, what is your daughter's name?
Oh! I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen.
This is God punishing me for the Woodstock Reunion.
Woodstock Reunion!
You were in the caravan.
I never forget a face.
Sarah? Sandy?
- Sondra? - Sondra!
I love your tattoo.
(PANTS)
- (WHIMPERS) - (DOOR BUZZES)
Come on, ladies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You cannot go...
(QUIETLY) Think they gonna try to go in.
I don't think they want me in there right now.
All I really want to do right now is call Sean and the kids.
There's a phone over there by the metal detector.
SEAN: Did anyone come in here tonight
that wasn't supposed to be in here?
No. Man, I don't know.
I don't think of asking them those kind of questions,
but I think you're on to something
'cause I should inquire more of our patrons.
What about this? What about, um...
Does the word "Bones" mean anything to you?
- It does. - Okay. What does it mean?
- A person. - Is it a person? Is it a person?
- It is. - It's a person.
- Could it be the manager? - Is Bones a manager here?
You are correct. You're good at this one, bro. Keep him.
Do you know where they went? Which direction they went?
No, but I did see them leave.
Where did they go?
To the right.
Out, and to the right.
No destination? They didn't say where they were going?
- Well, I think the right is east. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Ask him... - Okay, okay, okay.
- ALLYSON: Sean? - (EXHALES) Oh.
Hon?
Where are you?
We're fine. We're fine. We're at the, um, tattoo parlor.
- What? - Yeah, the tattoo...
It's a maze back there!
Officer, do you know how an experience like this can scar a teenager?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down for a second.
- Back up! Just hold on a second. - She's not a hardened criminal.
- You're in my space... Hey! Whoa! - (OTHERS TALKING)
Quiet, quiet! Shut up! It's Caprice!
- Hello. - Sir, we got a situation up here.
Oh, Sean, this has been the worst night ever.
I honestly don't know how it could get any worse.
SEAN: All right. Yeah, all right. Don't move.
Where are you?
Don't freak out. Some police station...
- (GROANS) - With the police?
Okay, okay. We're coming. We got them.
- We gotta go. Yeah. - You found them? Okay, let's do this.
Hey, big guy. Thanks very much. Okay.
Wait, so are the police coming or not?
- Phoenix is where? I can't... - OFFICER: Sir, we got some unstable women up here.
(SEVERAL TALKING AT ONCE)
No, no, no, no, no, no, I hate you so much, I can't...
I'm just gonna kill somebody! This is not... Is that a Taser?
I will tase you.
You cannot do this.
Stand down! I will tase you, woman!
How dare you? My husband is the pastor at First...
Sir, they just came in here and started to...
- (CRACKLING) - (QUIET GRUNTING)
(THUD)
(TURNS OFF TASER)
That was an accident.
(GASPS)
(♪♪♪)
(MUFFLED LISPING) I can't feel my face.
Is this a nightmare?
My face has no feeling.
Oh.
Bridget. We are gonna find your baby. He is safe.
He is in the palm of God's hand.
And you know what? I don't judge you. I don't.
I love you, and you know what? God loves you.
Sondra, maybe you should just rest.
(MOUTHING)
Ma'am, the kids are all fine.
Just wait.
(SIGHS) I had tonight playing out differently in my mind.
Have a donut, Kevin.
I want my lawyer.
BRIDGET: All I heard Caprice say was that Phoenix was fine.
But she didn't say where and then my phone died.
(KNOCKING)
You, ladies. Front and center.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, ladies, I'm Sergeant Murphy.
We've been filling out an awful lot
of paperwork trying to unravel this mess.
But for now, I would like for us to do one thing.
Stay calm.
Can you do that for me?
I'm calm. I feel very calm.
Can you do that? Can you be calm?
I'm so happy.
Well, you have a visitor.
Mom!
Zoe!
Why are you in jail?
I'm not! You are.
I've been in the back filling out this missing person's report.
You're alive!
I am so glad that you're alive!
I called the restaurant and they said that your car had been stolen.
And so, I called Dad, and he's with Sean
and he told me that you guys were in trouble.
So I got so freaked out that I drove over here in his car,
which was awesome!
But I'm so sorry.
So you didn't go out with Steve.
What? No! Ew. He's a total player, you were right.
Facebook, I'm his number three.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Zoe.
Go ahead and say it.
You were right. I'm a pastor's daughter, I should be perfect!
No! Honey, that is not it at all! Oh.
I love you, and I'm so proud of you.
I just don't want you to go through
the pain of making the same mistakes
that I did.
I was wild, Zoe.
I was a wild child, and there is something you should know about me.
I have a tattoo.
(SONDRA SNIFFLING)
Is that a face?
It's Donny Osmond.
It was a mad crush and...
Well, I was gonna get it removed,
but it kinda started looking like your dad, so...
I'm never... I'm never getting a tattoo.
Oh, thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Donny.
(♪♪♪)
All my friends are in jail, Bones.
Well, I know how that feels.
I'm a failure.
I have failed again. That's all I do.
I had a plan.
I was gonna help myself and help my friends unplug and have fun,
and then Bridget happened, so then
I thought I could fix that, too, and instead...
I can't.
I can't get in front of it.
No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I'm just...
I'm not enough.
For who?
What?
Not enough for who?
I mean, Sean, the kids, for my mother, God, everybody. I don't know.
You?
Not enough for you?
(SIGHS)
I was raised in church.
This might surprise you, but I have since
drifted from the faith.
Shocker.
My mama worked three jobs.
I never met my daddy.
I had to get up early and walk to school,
but I'd wait up for her coming home from the diner.
I'd wait up every night.
'Cause she'd come home and she'd put me to bed
and she'd tell me something.
She'd tell me the same thing every night.
"He loves you, Charles.
"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, or how far you run,
"Jesus will always be loving you with his arms open wide,
"just for being you."
And I'd smile and go off to sleep.
You know, I saw something on Pinterest the other day.
It was an eagle.
Just caring for its young.
It's a beautiful thing to watch one of God's creations just
doing what He made it to do.
Just being an eagle.
And that's enough.
You all spend so much time beating yourselves up.
Must be exhausting.
Let me tell you something, girl.
I doubt the Good Lord made a mistake
giving your kiddos the mama He did.
So you just be you.
He'll take care of the rest.
(SNIFFLING)
(SIGHS)
That was really profound, Bones.
What?
- What'd I say? Something good? - (LAUGHS)
- Pinterest, really? - (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I don't go on it much anymore.
- Everybody's tats are better than mine. - (LAUGHING)
Another visitor.
- Ally, get me outta here. - Yes.
I just cleared up the misunderstanding with the van.
Just saw Marco and all the kids.
- Your kids, too? - Yes. Everybody's fine. Don't ask.
Here's your stuff. They're all in the interrogation room.
MURPHY: Only because the kids wouldn't stop
playing with the fingerprint equipment.
So, um, can you take my van and watch my kids for a few hours?
Sure. Why?
Yeah. Okay.
Follow me.
Hey, Bridge.
I bet you think I'm an awful person, right? Worst mother ever.
- Yeah, I know how that feels. - (LAUGHS)
Yeah, but you have it all figured out, right?
Not even a little bit.
I'm really sorry that I dragged you into all this, and I'm...
I'm sorry that I ruined your night.
Okay, first of all, you did not ruin anything.
And secondly, Bridge, this mom thing is crazy hard.
And you're doing an amazing job.
Really?
Yes.
Yes, so come on! We got a baby to find. Let's go, girl! Come on!
(SIGHS)
Sondra! Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Now where are we going?
Well, we're going back to Caprice's,
but don't worry, I got this.
No, I'm gonna come. I'm just a little stress-paralyzed.
- I knew that was a thing. - Yeah.
I'll be right behind you, just give me a minute.
Oh, good. He's still here. Come on.
- (POUNDING ON CAR) - Hey!
Aah! I'm sorry, referee! Whew!
- Yeah. You okay? - Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Back to Caprice's, yeah?
- (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) - I know that you're in there!
Is Phoenix with you?
Is that a wrestling show?
All I hear is anger and rage. I don't know.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
- Do you have any other ideas? - (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Nope.
HANK: Hey, thanks for the ride.
Wait! There's the deadbeat!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Hank!
Lady, I don't know! I told you, I don't know!
I haven't seen her! I haven't seen her!
Get back here! Bridget, come on!
(GRUNTING)
I have pepper spray and I am not afraid to use it!
- Calm down! - I'm sure your baby's fine!
- No, no! Bridget! Bridget! - Calm down.
- (SPRAYING) - Wait, he's getting away!
(SCREAMS) Oh, no!
- Joey? - (WHIMPERING) It burns!
Joey, what are you doing here?
He's getting away!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
You're crazy! You're crazy!
Let's have some!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
Oh, that is gonna bring tears to his eyes.
I'm trying to look for Phoenix!
ALLYSON: Does he know where Phoenix is?
Uh, well, he's not exactly conscious.
What?
If you know what I mean.
(GROANING)
After your big date, you decided to come and help me!
What? No!
After my interview! I'm trying to get a job, man!
You're trying to... A job?
(ENGINES RUMBLING)
What is that?
(♪♪♪)
(SIRENS CHIRP)
(ENGINE REVS)
- ALLYSON: Sondra? - Ally.
I told Ray everything that happened and, well, he made some calls.
Hey, look. Don't freak out.
Half these guys are from First Baptist Church.
The other half are from the, uh, biker gang known as...
The Skulls.
The biker gang known as the Skulls.
But we're all here for the same reason.
We love you, Bridget. We love your family, we always have.
BONES: That's right.
(INDISTINCT RADIO TRANSMISSION)
Hey, hon.
Hi.
You okay?
- BONES: We got a baby to find. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MURPHY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
First things first.
We need to establish a 12-block perimeter.
- Y'all here are looking for a baby? - ALLYSON: Yes.
Yeah, my son. Ten months old?
- Dressed like Bono? What? - What?
The name Caprice mean anything to you?
ALL: Yes!
That's the person that was supposed to be taking care of him. Why?
Y'all come with me.
Come on in.
Honey, look who I found.
You must be the mama. Oh.
He just woke up.
It's been a long time since I've held a baby. Oh, so precious.
- (SNIFFLES) - (CHUCKLES)
Oh, that's him. Oh, God. Oh.
- (THUMPS) - MURPHY: You're not even from this country.
How would you know how to get around this?
CABBIE: Well, there's no need to get personal. I'm just trying to help.
I'm not getting personal. I'm just...
RAY: You can't go that way.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
- Yes! Yes! - Yeah. Oh!
We found him!
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
- Call off the chopper. - (CROWD GROANING)
- What? - Oh.
Guys! We just found a baby!
(CHEERING)
MURPHY: All right, wrap this puppy up. Let's get out of here.
Wait, hang on. (STAMMERING) Where are my babies?
They're at your house with Kevin.
With Kevin?
ALLYSON: This is me trying really hard not to have a panic attack.
Kids, this is a knife. Who wants to hold it?
Sean!
(♪♪♪)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
IZZY: I don't know what the big deal is.
Because he's a man boy, Izzy! I...
Shh.
Allyson.
Kevin.
This is such a good book.
(♪♪♪)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(ALLYSON READING)
That would be false.
In truth, my life hasn't changed much at all.
I have.
Breakfast in bed!
Boom!
Wow, thank you!
ALLYSON: True, I'm not smiling all the time.
But I am smiling more.
Smiling at the little things.
At my crazy, stressful, over-the-top, kind of beautiful life.
False, I am a failure.
Yes. Very, very false.
"False."
I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes.
But I am right where God wants me to be
and He has given me everything I need to be a mom.
I'm a mess.
But I'm a beautiful mess.
I'm His masterpiece.
And that's enough.
(LAUGHS)
(BOWLING PINS CRASHING)
I love you the most of everybody.
I love you.
Mwah.
Gotta go bowl.
Okay, baby.
Hey, hon.
You have 235 followers.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- I have a blog. - Yes, you do.
I am a mommy blogger.
Yes, you are.
(CHUCKLES)
Wow. Hon, your job...
Is hard. Yes, I know.
That's what you were gonna say, right?
No. Uh, or easy, easy, maybe? Or unnecessary?
Sorry for interrupting. Just, what?
Important.
That's what I was gonna say. Your job is important.
I mean, I know it's rough, but, I mean, look at them.
(♪♪♪)
So worth it.
(SIGHS)
"The hand that rocks the cradle
"is the hand that rules the world."
Where did you read that?
Some blog somewhere.
(♪♪♪)
Guys. No, hey!
Guys, that's gross.
Don't do that in here. You're really way too old.
Guys. Stop it! Stop it right now.
What?
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
DJ: Dance Cam!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(WHOOPING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Dance, dance, dance...
(WHOOPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Go, baby!
(WHOOPING)
(♪♪♪)
Come on, eat your breakfast. Eat it.
One bite won't kill you.
One bite. Okay. All right, here we go. Here we go.
Oh, that burns. That's so hot!
That's a lot of pepper.
What are you doing?
Playing hide and go seek.
(SHOUTING) That was 15 minutes ago!
They still haven't found me.
You know what? I babysat my cousin's kids once.
We just popped in a movie and that did it for a few hours.
- What'd you show them? - Silence of the Lambs.
(SIGHS)
TATTOO DESK GUY: Oh, yeah, the big church.
We'd love to have you visit us one Sunday. 11:00 a.m.
- Really? - Yeah.
Dude, that'd be awesome.
Hey, and you can visit that chair over there and get a tattoo.
That's something to consider.
I think so, man.
(ENGINE STARTS)
ALLYSON: Got it?
- CABBIE: Geronimo! - ALLYSON: Yes!
(CHUCKLES)
I hate this car.
MARCO: You know, like, I feel like I'm totally built for this.
You know, like, all we need to do
so that we can totally do this.
I'm built for two. I can handle two.
I'm pregnant.
(♪♪♪)
ALLYSON: Oh, hi. Sorry. Thank you. Tonight has been...
Oh, yeah. It was profound. You owe me all kinds of money.
Uh-huh. Yes, I do.
No, no, go, go, you guys. I got this.
What are we talking about here?
Uh, right. What are we talking about? Let's see.
Uh, tire... Actually, two tires, police station. So that'll be $984.50, please.
Is that dollars?
No, Chinese yen. Of course it's dollars.
(♪♪♪)
(SEAN MUTTERING)
(CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERING STOPS)
Hey.
You are so hot right now.
I know, it's disgusting. I gotta take a shower.
- ALLYSON: Yep. - Oh.
SEAN: Really? That's great. That's what does it for you?
(ALLYSON GIGGLES)
- (SEAN GROANS) - What, what, what, what, what?
It's all right. No, no. It's okay.
- What'd I do? What'd I do, honey? - Oh, gosh, it hurts.
No. It's just my shoulder. It's okay.
- It's okay. It's okay. - Okay. Okay.
- SEAN: 'Kay, don't move. Okay. - ALLYSON: Okay.
- Okay, move a little. - What are you doing?
Uh, just giving Daddy a little cuddle.
Little cuddle.
Morning, baby. You all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. It's been happening.
- Okay. Okay. - Hold on. Check this out.
What're you gonna do?
Don't be scared. (SCREAMS)
(SEAN GROANS)
Love it!
- What? - (WHOOPS)
But then it's good.
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