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I used to hide what my vagina did to my underpants.
And, by the way, what all vaginas do to all underpants, okay?
There is no woman who ends her day with, like, a clean pair of underpants
that look like they've ever even come from a store, okay?
They look like little bags that have fallen face down
in, like, a tub of cream cheese,
and then, like, commando-crawled their way out.
And then, like, carabinered up, like, into a crotch.
Like, they're not items that are for anyone to see.
But now, I'm just like, "Whatever."
You know, I have a human vagina.
Okay, who here just saw my face
and thought that they were at a bagel store in a synagogue?
Who thought that?
Who stared at my face and thought that I'm the product of
if a menorah fucked Natalie Imbruglia?
But the menorah, like, had me. You know what I mean?
You know, like when two lesbians have a baby,
and everyone's like, "They did it!"
And they're like, "But it's really Karen's.
"It's gonna be husky."
You guys are like, "You're a horrible woman."
But let me tell you, I agree. I agree.
I, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.
I have a boyfriend.
Yeah, he's cool.
He's got a, you know, working dick.
Yeah, he's a human male. I'll put it that way.
But I'm still honking down on that D when I need to.
Literally, only when I need to.
Like, it's not that I don't like doing it.
It's just that, after a while, it just becomes a step towards,
like, getting rhythmically banged out
until your worries can go away, and you can pass out for eight hours.
That's sort of where we're at.
Functional. Functional, you know. We've worked out all the kinks.
Man, I think I just heard his heart stop beating.
When we first started dating, my butthole was so scared,
you know, that it might, like, lose the chance at romance,
that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down," and it was like...
But then when he would, like, leave my apartment, I would be like,
"Good night,"
and pretend to be so confident in everything that just happened.
Even though I was like,
"Was that cool when I did that? Was that cool when I did that?"
Then I would just masturbate to my worries until he came back.
I would just shut the door and, like, stand there for a minute and then just be like...
"No, no, no. Don't you be your old self."
And then it would be like, "But it feels so good. I gotta..."
That's my butthole's voice. "I gotta be me!
"I gotta be me!"
And then it would just be like...
That's me walking up my stairs.
Anyone need a barf bag?
- Hey. - Hi, sweetie.
- How's it going? - Good.
Am I having a stroke, or does this soap smell like popcorn?
- You're not having a stroke. - Good.
It just smells like your hand, you know. Smells normal.
A couple of other people are going to another bar,
and I know that you don't like leaving the radius,
but I really wanna go and have, like, one, two, one million more drinks.
Yeah, I don't think I can go.
Okay. Do you wanna just go home, and we can finish that documentary about...
Things have been kind of fucked up between us lately, you know?
And then you go, and you talk about it up there.
It's just a very weird feeling for me.
Are you still mad at me about last night?
- No. - 'Cause I told you that I didn't feel well,
because I ate street meat from the cart at work.
And also, you just said you didn't do the thing that I wanna do, and I'm not...
I've been sleeping with Kate.
What?
You know, we can't lie to you anymore.
You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No.
I wanted to tell you sooner.
But you're here all the time. Your schedule is all over the place.
We never talk or anything!
I'm at your house every other night.
Why are you... Stop looking at your phone while you're dumping me!
Is she calling you? Is she asking you, "Have you dumped her yet?"
No.
- Or are you just such a dick... - Sorry.
...that you're looking at your phone while you're dumping me?
I just don't know where to look.
You don't know where to look? Well, this is probably a good area.
Hi, Ryan.
I don't know if you're getting my messages, but I really need to talk.
I'm sorry. I didn't hear the...
I don't care about the beep!
I am also sorry that you cannot get to the phone!
Kate has HPV.
The kind of HPV where you get warts on your stuff
and ovarian cancer.
There's a lot of other stuff I could say, but I'm a lady.
Yeah, and then she dies of cancer, and you're stuck with the bill, so...
I just wanted to apologize for the voicemail that I just left on your voicemail.
And I also wanted to say, "Psych!"
Have a great life!
I'll be here with my normal HPV that one in four nice women have.
And there will not be an apology message for this apology message. Goodbye.
- You okay? - Nellie!
You look like a lez who just got back from Birthright.
Move.
These clogs are yours.
Ryan always hated my clogs.
Well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh?
You got my texts?
I did do. I'm sorry.
Do you want to talk about it?
Okay.
You're in shock. We don't have to talk about it.
I always thought that Ryan was attracted to Kate,
but then I just told myself I was being insecure and jealous.
And now, all my worst fears have come true.
That's not what happened.
What happened is he's a piece of shit, and she's a little bitch.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Come on up here.
- You know I'd take a bullet for you, right? - I know.
- Right into my heart. - I know.
Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.
Okay.
You gonna be okay? Do you want me to sleep in here with you?
I can't do that to you, because I'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.
Okay.
That sounds too cozy for me.
- All right, I love you. - I love you.
- Donna. - Shit, Gene.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
No, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well.
Listen, Donna,
there's something that I need to talk to you about.
No, no, no. I already called the plumber. We're just...
We're all gonna have to use the bathroom on Sixth
- for, like, a few days. - It's not that. It's...
Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.
The landlord's kicking us out. We have six weeks.
What?
They're closing the store.
That's crazy! That's disgusting! This place is like a New York institution!
You've been here five years.
I've been here for 30.
Sometimes we just have to let go of the things we love.
That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,
and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles and just, like, chill out all day.
Hey, that sounds pretty nice. I think I will do that.
Listen, change is good, Donna.
Man, that's, like, the rudest thing you've ever said to me.
You know, that Ryan, he was not a gentleman.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna call him right now, and I'm gonna tell him that you said that.
You're not gonna waste one valuable moment
of your young precious life mourning that boy.
I'm a mess.
I can't even be in public without bursting into tears.
And I think I've cried on every train line.
Oh, baby.
You know, when your mom and I split up, I thought my life was over.
You know what saved me?
A long walk with your Uncle Jim.
We walked, we talked, and we talked about life, and spirituality,
and identity and racism.
And by the time the sun came up,
- we had the premise for our first TV show. - "We had the premise for our first TV show."
We did.
- That smells good. - Pasghetti.
- Your favorite sauce, extra honey. - Extra honey.
I can eat this.
You know, creative energy sometimes comes from the lowest point in your life.
But, Dad, you had a partner to do all of that with.
I'm just up there alone by myself just beating myself up.
Well, negativity will either be your best friend or your worst enemy.
How do you want to approach your fears?
Tylenol PM.
No. Living.
Living is the best revenge.
So eat up, and then when we're finished, you're gonna go visit your mom.
She's worried about you.
You guys need to know
there are some children out there who don't talk to their parents for months.
- Like, even on the telephone. - Really? Really?
Not my child.
- Okay. - Thank you.
You're an aberration.
You're all wrong.
You're the weird one.
You're so pretty. Now just hold up, just for a second.
- Are you proud of me? - I'm very proud of you.
You know, an ex-student of mine started a temp agency.
They specialize in placing people in the entertainment world.
Pass the duck sauce.
You're about to lose your income. You don't seem the least bit concerned.
I'm terrified, Mom. Believe me, I very much am.
But I'm not going to work for one of your business school students.
You're almost 30 years old. You still don't know how to do your taxes.
I'm a couple of years away from 30, and nobody knows how to do their taxes.
Have you spoken to your agent about booking any commercial work?
You know, I haven't, because recently, she put her entire body into her oven.
You're never serious.
I will use TurboTax this year, okay?
Hand me the plate.
Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.
I know you're going through some pain right now,
but you're always gonna be going through something.
I haven't borrowed money from you in months.
And I just did that commercial for the organic douche,
which is gonna be a real boon to my image.
Well, I'm glad you did the douche job. The douche paid well.
Definitely, stop saying "douche."
There are other things in your life you could afford to be a little more selective about.
Your next beau, for example.
I'll never forget that brunch when he told us his SAT scores.
Mom, really, a lot of people aren't good test-takers.
You were. And now you waste that 780 verbal
on telling jokes about having diarrhea in your pants.
Fuck it.
I'll take three more sips,
and if he doesn't come out, then I'll go.
I'll take two more sips, actually.
And if the lady in the tan jacket crosses the street on the second sip,
then that means that I should go home.
Motherfucker.
What are you doing? What am I doing?
Just go home to your house.
Fuck!
They have a fucking dog.
What were you doing?
Just out doing some light stalking.
No!
What is wrong with me?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
How did I not know?
Those two are sociopaths.
This is my fault.
I never should have talked about our relationship in my act.
No, fuck that noise. You know what is so great about you?
I'm good at folding the laundry?
No, sweetie, you're terrible at folding the laundry.
What is so great about you is that
you are unapologetically yourself on that stage every time,
and that's why people love you.
Listen, I'm not gonna let
that mouth-breather and fucking bag of bones bring you down.
- She's actually my target weight. - That is gross.
I guess comedy is supposed to be honest.
So let me just tell you a little bit about me.
As they say, I like my men the way I like my coffee.
Disgusting,
like, very weak and bitter,
and cold, not sweet at all.
Very gritty on the bottom as well. If you know coffee like that,
I'm just like, "What is your number?"
And now that we're all picturing a very filthy bottom,
I think it's time to bring one to the stage.
And she's my best friend in the entire world.
I think you guys are gonna love her just as much as I do.
Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern!
Yeah!
Here we go.
- Everything cool? - No.
I love that guy.
Okay. I was in the bathroom
'cause that is all that I have left.
Does it count as exercise
if you are just squeezing your body all the time super-hard, super-tight,
'cause you're just crying so hard?
Does that make sense to any of you?
That was a rhetorical question.
I should probably turn around, right?
No shit!
Okay. All right.
"No shit" yourself, sir. It's a swear. Rude.
In case you can't tell from my deep, deep ridges on my face,
I was recently dumped up with by a human male who is still alive.
So, good for him.
I feel like when someone does something bad, they should just die.
But instead, we die a slow death and watch their happiness bloom.
Doctor's orders.
My very nice close friend who's such a nice person
decided to fuck my boyfriend.
I would love to just murder-suicide them.
A lot of people say I look like Anne Frank.
I would never have survived the Holocaust. That's for sure.
If you were cool, this could be art.
Or if I were cool.
Is this not working for you? Do you want your money back?
'Cause the show is free.
I want my life back, but I can't get it back 'cause it's ruined.
So that is a cost I have incurred.
I'll share more. I'll share more. You guys seem to be fucking loving it.
Full-blown affair, you know? Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway?
You know what I mean? It's, like, "Cool move."
This kind of thing makes you think I'm pretty good at fucking, right?
It's 'cause she's one of those fucking girls with a thread count.
This place is a fucking shithole. So I'm really glad to be on your roster.
She's just going up and down on his dick so slowly
so that he knows exactly how blonde her pussy is.
Then I just come in, and I murder-sui everything,
and then she gets stains on her sheets.
But anyhow...
- That was the worst. - It wasn't that bad.
Okay, don't get me wrong. It was horrible.
But it wasn't the worst comedy I've ever seen.
That was not comedy. That was not even a performance.
That was not even performance art.
I think a lot of people learned a lot about the Holocaust tonight.
You know what the saddest thing about this whole terrible story is?
It's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend and ruin that area of my life,
but now I can't even do standup,
which was the one thing about me that made me better than her.
I hate how much you're focusing on Kate in all of this.
If you're about to defend her right now, I'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.
All I'm saying is, like, she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her.
He's a fucking asshole.
Okay. Well, this experience has been so cool for me.
But I have to go home, and put on my sweatpants,
and try and hold my breath until I die.
No! You have to stay here and drink with me. We're getting wasted. Here, I'm paying.
Hi. Can I get two Jacks and Cokes, please?
You're really lasering into me with your peepy missiles there.
What?
I said that you were lasering into me with your peepy missiles.
Are my eyes my peepy missiles?
I'm not a doctor.
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
Both those drinks for you?
Are both those faces yours?
No, I crashed and burned this conversation.
No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on. No, it's okay.
Man, slip-ons?
What's wrong with slip-ons?
It's the winter!
These are an all-purpose shoe.
For all purposes inside of your frat house
where everyone's going ping-pong, and throwing quarters at each other's butts,
and throwing their house out at the end of the year.
Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say, "Go to Williamsburg."
"Welcome to Brooklyn where they judge you by your shoes." It's great.
This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia?
My God! I've been in the wrong Williamsburg for this whole time, man.
Yeah. No, I haven't been to Virginia, but this is not it.
I have.
- You have? - Yeah.
I went to Virginia on a class trip with my science teacher,
because I'm a city kid, so they wanted to take us to go see, like, the country.
And she knew where this horse had died in a field.
She wanted to dig it up so that we could see its skeleton.
But when we dug it up, it hadn't even decomposed at all,
'cause that takes, like, a very long time.
And, you know, it had worms on its face.
That teacher should be put away. That's awful.
- We murdered her that day in that field. - Stop, it's...
That's the only conclusion. That's the only thing that could happen.
No, but... You know, she was like... And all the children ran away.
But I just stayed, and I looked at its sleeping face, you know.
- That's a lot of story. - Yeah, it is.
- I like your shirt. - Thank you.
This nice shirt's name is Max.
Hey. This lady's name is Donna.
And my shirt's name is Brenda.
- She's a loudmouth. - Great.
Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.
Seemed like you waved more at Brenda.
So, Max, how did you end up here tonight?
Clients. I'm here with some clients.
I work for a computer company.
We design a program that basically, if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,
people all over the world, it's like you're actually playing it live.
So, it's like a phone call, and it's like you're really...
- So it's like a phone call. - Connected.
- I've made phone calls. That's cool. - Yeah, yeah.
So imagine that, but with a video game.
You pick up the phone, and you're like,
"Hi, is computer there?" And it's like, "I'll connect you to video game"?
Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah.
But one of their wives heard about this place.
So here we are. Is there comedy in the back?
- Yeah. - No.
Actually, I had just hosted a show back there, and Donna performed.
- You didn't catch any? - No, I couldn't find the room.
That's a bummer.
- 'Cause she was amazing tonight. - You know what? Thank you.
Like, she's always great,
but, like, tonight, I would say, she was, like, particularly on point.
- Interesting. - Congrats. That's awesome.
You do this a lot?
Yeah, it's a habit.
Okay. All right.
Another round? You want to do another round?
Yeah. Sure.
I'll try it. I'll try drinking.
Okay.
- Perfect timing. - Okay, okay.
All right. On it.
He is hot, bro!
Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian. He's like a Christmas tree.
So be the fucking angel on top. Who gives a shit?
I'm not the angel on top. I'm the menorah on top of the tree that burns it down.
And they're like, "Shouldn't have had that menorah on top of me."
- He, like, knows Santa. - Sit on him.
"Santa, can you help me forget my memories?"
- Yes, exactly. Now you get it. - I don't think so. That's not...
I'm from a small little town in Vermont.
My grammar school was in a barn. How cool is that?
That is cool.
Right? Pretty sweet.
Is that a lie? Is that true?
It's a truth. It's the truth.
Do you think that you can tell when somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?
Do you have a wig on?
I knew it.
I have a wig over my toupee.
Can you tell that I'm wearing a toupee?
I was only halfway right.
Wait till you see my merkin.
Oh, no.
Fuck, it is so cold out here!
I'm afraid I'm going to get your splash-back.
Is this illegal?
Can we get arrested for this?
Are you... Who are you? You've never peed in public before?
No. That's not me.
What about pools?
No, no way.
What, you pee in pools?
I've peed in every pool I've ever been in.
Oh, my!
Did you just fucking fart in my face?
No.
Yeah. I'm...
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Are you crying?
Don't cry, okay?
- Are you laughing? - Who would cry?
- You farted in my face. - I'm... It happened.
I'm sorry.
No fucking way.
I would not hire myself in this.
When do you start again?
I'm on call, which means that I only get to work if the other receptionist gets sick.
- So we're praying for bird flu? - That's right.
Cool, I have the dumbest mirror face in the world.
Please, everybody does.
No, but I look like a shih tzu.
I look like just a little shih tzu.
You just want to say "shit."
You know, that's not not true.
Here, try this on.
Thank you so much for this flammable piece of shit
that's gonna give me a rash in one second.
And I also just activated, like, an old whore's BO.
My boobs hurt really bad.
Maybe you're pregnant.
Hey, is this cute? I mean, if it had a button, would it be...
What? What's wrong?
Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.
What? No! I was just kidding.
No, I'm late. I'm never late.
And my boobs are super-swollen and sore.
No, it's just... You're getting your period.
No, I'm never boob-sore.
Okay, well, maybe it's stress.
Didn't you say that when you found out you were pregnant,
the one sign was that you had boob soreness?
Yeah, but you and Ryan haven't had sex in months.
I know.
Oh, my God! You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter?
Of course, I did.
I don't know.
Hold on.
Yes, I remember seeing a condom.
I just don't know, like, exactly what it did.
Okay, look, you're probably not,
but we'll go get a test.
I have to pack up the bookstore in, like, 20 minutes.
Okay, I'll go get a test, and I'll meet you at the bookstore.
- Okay? - Yeah.
It's going to be fine. I'm sure you're not.
No, you're not.
It's weird that you guys keep a radio on in the bathroom.
Yeah, Gene has shy bowels, and it helps him to go.
- Okay, I've set the timer for three minutes. - Okay.
And...
One line is not pregnant, and plus sign...
You are fucked.
One line, one line, one line.
Just going to take a big, stinky shit while we wait.
Perfect. Cool timing.
Don't stare at that stick.
Okay. I'll just...
You're just peeing, right?
Great.
Do you want to hear the story about when I went to get my first pregnancy test?
It was, like, 2.5 miles between where we lived and where the pharmacy was.
I couldn't ask my mom to drive me, so I had to...
If you've just tuned in, you're listening to the Donna's Brain Show,
and I'm the voice of the brain.
Today, I'm sitting down with the idiot in question
who, after being dumped and losing her job, recently had...
Excuse me. May have had unprotected sex with a stranger.
I can't get your blouse off.
Did I leave anything out?
We used a condom.
Okay, well, that's not what I heard.
Let's do this!
Note the razor sharp teeth.
We should have been using our hands.
No. No way.
Yes!
I don't know any wrestles.
Did you find it? It's a five second rule. Five second rule.
Come on. I think that it was more like...
Here you are, sir. One condom.
Might it be correct to say that you cannot recall?
I'm getting a little dizzy.
Well, you're dizzy because you played Russian roulette with your vagina.
Did you know that Hulk Hogan's name is Terry?
It's time.
Oh, God, your face.
Oh, my God, barf rush.
Do I have morning sickness?
No, that's probably just psychosomatic.
Okay, there's two tests in the box. Let's take another one.
- I'm sorry. I'm going to throw up. - Okay.
- Did somebody have a bad dream? - Oh, God, Dad!
That thing is freakin' so frightening.
I guess I am.
Come on, give us a... Come on, give us a kiss.
I love you. I love you.
Kiss yourself.
It's, like, 100 degrees in here.
Puppets work best in heat.
Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting.
It's Donna.
I'm so sorry. Must have missed the "na."
Where are my glasses?
Here.
Thank you, Donna.
Your test came back positive, and you are indeed pregnant.
Fuck!
Sorry for cursing.
That's all right. I've heard it all.
So, let's talk about your options.
I would like an abortion, please.
That sounds very insensitive. I'm not sure.
Sounds like I was ordering at a drive-through,
but I would like an abortion, please.
It's important that you've put a lot of thought into this,
and that this decision is entirely yours.
I'd also like to provide you with all the information you need about abortion
as well as other options.
Yeah.
I have thought about it,
and this is what I need to do.
Okay.
So, based on the first day of your last period,
you're about three weeks along, which is pretty early.
In fact, it's too early to get the procedure done with us.
Okay.
It means you need to wait.
I'd like to set the appointment for two weeks from today.
That'll put it on the 14th.
- February 14th? - Yeah.
Oh, my!
I guess we could do it the day after.
That's my mom's birthday.
Can't even get an abortion right.
I'm guessing you wouldn't want to wait too much longer.
No, let's have it...
Let's do it on Valentine's Day.
Give this card to the receptionist on your way out, and she'll schedule you.
Okay.
I should probably ask.
How much does this cost?
An in-clinic procedure costs about $500.
Really?
Sorry.
That's, like, my whole rent almost.
But the cost also covers an HIV test as well as STD testing.
Do you have insurance?
Well, if not, we can provide financial assistance if you qualify.
- Do you have Medicaid? - No.
Any friends or family that can help?
Okay, I'm out of tape now.
Hey, little lady, is there any more tape?
Yeah.
Yes, there is tape in the bathroom on the top shelf.
I did the first scream for screaming,
and then the second scream I had from scaring myself from the first scream.
Yeah, I saw that.
- I'm gonna come in now, okay? - Yeah.
What are you doing here?
You said you worked here, so...
Sure.
The Savage Detectives. This book is amazing.
Well, it can be yours for 99 cents.
Hey, I just passed a Mexican food truck on the way over here.
Do you wanna go get a bite?
When we hung out before, you said...
You said that you could mouth fuck the shit out of a burrito.
God damn it.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Also, do you remember urinating in the street?
Among other things.
What?
- That was the main move. - All right.
If you have time, take a little break?
Well, I can't leave the store unmanned, un-womaned.
Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well...
I'd love to take you out sometime on a proper date.
Well, here's the thing,
is that the store is closing down, and it's a hard time,
and it's gonna take forever, and I have to put all the books in the boxes.
None of them are in the boxes.
I'm the only thing in a box, and I'm not a book.
- Not yet. - Yeah. Okay.
Totally.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
I have a copy of this already.
Well, good luck with the closing.
Thanks. You, too.
I can't believe he walked into the store. That's a sign.
And that would be a sign saying...
Like, that I'm a present in a box,
and that he and I should go and start our beautiful life together.
- You know, I'm not a straight guy... - What?
...but my guess is that most of them would hate that gift.
What? You're saying
that a guy doesn't want a drunk, pregnant girl in a box?
If you're a serial killer.
Maybe you wanna tell him.
No. Why? Why?
You don't owe him anything. You don't even know this guy.
Maybe he just deserves to know that, like, this happened.
That I'm not psycho, and I'm going to get an abortion.
You know, if I got someone pregnant, I would wanna know.
If you got someone pregnant, I would also want to know.
Probably every newspaper would want to know,
'cause all of a sudden, some dude's mouth would be pregnant.
My God, you guys, stop it with the crazy jokes.
Why do you care what he needs to know or not?
You are the one who has to get this procedure, pay for it,
wear the fucking pad with the big wings, okay?
You think if he was pregnant, he would be worrying about you right now?
No, he'd be trying to get that fucking thing out of his body.
God damn it! You guys, we already live in a patriarchal society
where a bunch of weird old white men in robes get to legislate our cunts.
You just need to be worrying about yourself.
And why are you looking at me like that, you little bitches?
Everything you're saying is valid, but you are scaring my dick off.
Anyway, if your gut is to tell him, I say do it, because he seems sweet.
I'm exhausted now.
- Does it hurt? - Does what hurt?
You know, only you would know if your vagina hurts or not.
Okay. Does having an abortion hurt?
No, except for some cramps afterwards, but they feel just like period cramps.
Just take me through it snip-by-snip.
Okay, first of all, there is no snips,
and the whole thing literally takes, like, five minutes.
That's amazing. You don't even have to clear your schedge.
No, you still need the whole day. Because they talk to you for a while.
Well, you don't have to clear your schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it.
How often do you think about it?
I think about it sometimes. Once in a while.
And then I get really sad for my little teenage self.
But I never regret it.
And did you ever tell your mom?
No, she thought I was at field hockey.
- Were you the goalie? - Of course I was the goalie.
I'm glad you're here.
You're so jumpy.
You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja.
I wanted to continue our discussion about your future.
Okay, well, I have something that I would like to talk to you about as well.
- I'd like to go first. - Great.
I couldn't sleep last night.
So I made a spreadsheet of all of your expenses,
job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks that I think you should focus on.
Okay, well, you didn't need to do that.
No shit.
I have a student in my office right now, and I have one about to deliver something.
So, we'll do it afterwards, all right?
And could you please go through the mail? I'm still getting your student loan crap.
It's open.
Hello.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Fuck!
I'm sorry. I just...
I'm not stalking you. This isn't a...
Oh, my God.
Professor Stern. I'm just... I'm looking for Professor Stern.
Yeah. She's my mom.
- She's your mom? - Yeah.
She's a genius.
Okay, seriously though, she's, like, the best professor I had in business school.
I see you about to roll your eyes again, all right? But that's that truth.
She lit a fire in my belly.
Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.
I'm sorry, but you just handed that one to me like a little present.
Yeah, you know, we've hung out before.
Anyway, your mother lent me this book a couple of months ago,
and I'm just trying to get it back to her, so...
Thank you.
Come on.
You made fun of my shoes?
These are my mom's.
Do you wanna try them on?
No.
All right, yeah, I would.
That's amazing.
I don't do hard drugs,
but I imagine this is what it feels like to shoot heroin.
Yeah, they're so soft.
They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins.
Yeah, and then she said that, so...
There you go.
So...
Sorry, do you wanna go get some food or something?
Are you two ready to order?
- You know what? Actually, I haven't had... - Yes. Yes, yes.
We'll each have the chicken piccata over linguine, please.
Of course. Your favorite.
Thank you.
You are a serious regular.
It's, like, the one place where I can go and wear my diaper and feel that I fit in.
Got it.
I also don't normally order for the person that I'm with at a restaurant,
but the chicken piccata is the best that this place has to offer.
It's the gem. It's the crown jewel.
You got to have it.
Well, there is nothing better than some hot bread and butter.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Did you just warm this butter up for me?
Yeah.
That's really nice.
That's just what you do.
Max, I have something I wanna tell you.
What's up?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Great.
I kind of walked into that one, huh?
Indeed.
Aren't you wearing a diaper?
Yeah, I'm not gonna spend it on a number one.
- Okay. - Diaper is for the heavy lifting.
Hey, Max, remember from before when we did sex to each other?
Max, I love you. I'm having your abortion.
Do you wanna share a dessert?
Lead with that. Definitely lead with that. Perfect. That's perfect.
- Hey. - Hello.
Do you see this couple?
Yeah.
They're incredible.
The entire time you were gone, she has been reading off the menu to him,
and he points at a new item, and she just tells him what it is.
Maybe he just likes to hear his favorite things read out loud.
That's what I thought.
I just love couples like this.
It's not a line.
But I can't wait to be a grandpa.
Man, yeah.
Really hitting that bread. You're gonna have room for that piccata?
- Two. - Yeah? Okay.
You got any shows coming up?
I do. I have one tomorrow night actually.
- Awesome. - Yeah.
- Where? - Same place. Always same place.
Cool. Cool.
Can I come?
- Shit. Shit! Shit! - I don't have to.
No, no, no. You stepped in shit.
- What? - Shit!
Come on!
- These are my only shoes. - Yeah, yeah, I know.
- This is great. You're just... - No, no. I'm just...
I'm glad it's... Yeah.
I'm just, you know, just trying to get...
You stamped right down on the doodie.
Okay!
All right.
- You almost got it out? - Yeah.
You're almost cleared?
Yep. Okay. All right.
Well, I'm gonna go get some bleach, and I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay. - Good night.
Are you limping? I don't wanna get it on my pants.
Yeah. My father was, like, a funny dude, man, my father.
I think he's the reason why I do comedy.
He's like a cross between Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.
He was Cosby, like, in that he'd hide snacks around the house.
And he was like Richard Pryor
in that he freebased cocaine.
Can I get a seltzer?
What's up?
You're a jumpy little kitty.
When do I go on?
It's what I wanted to talk to you about.
We're gonna have to end early, set up for an '80s dance party.
No. Can you just let me get five minutes? I just wanna do five minutes.
You still doing that break-up material?
I'm just doing my comedy, which is just talking about my life, so...
Don't look at my shit while I'm writing it down, man.
What? No, that's funny.
I think my bodega man judges me, too.
Yeah.
How was Los Angeles?
Nice deflection.
Yeah, I was in LA for three weeks, three shitty weeks.
I fucking hate that place.
Running around, driving a gold Kia. That's all they had.
Well, there was a screw-up...
Had to drive a gold Kia?
I did not pick out a gold Kia.
I would pick out a pewter Kia, taupe, tasmine,
which is combo of taupe and jasmine.
But it now looks like I will be moving out there for pilot season.
- Really? - Yeah.
I sold a pilot.
Congrats.
Yeah, but let's get out of here.
Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me.
I'm house sitting for this crazy rich friend of mine.
I mean crazy rich.
It's awesome. It's huge.
All modern like the stuff when you read in the back of the rich people's magazines
that they have at the airport.
- Man, I don't know. - Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.
Let's go. It'll be mad nice.
We'll get a crew together. It'll be like the old times.
What rap group from 1997 are you in?
Whodini.
No, it was two different kinds of mustard.
Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here. There we go.
- No, did I miss it? - Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Work was hectic. I was trying to leave three hours ago.
That's okay.
I'm actually leaving now, though.
I'm gonna go hang out with some comedians.
- You coming or what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.
I mean, you can come, but I just think it might be boring
or actually very depressing probably.
Is it just the two of you?
It's not like that.
That's what it looks like.
Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn, but you didn't have to.
You invited me.
Well, I didn't think that we made, like, concrete plans.
Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled.
Okay, one sec. I need to go, but I am sorry.
Me, too.
Have fun.
My therapist, this is for real,
refers to standup as plays. I'm serious.
Like, "You did a play last night. How was your play?
"How was your play? Was it good?"
- Is your therapist your nana? - No, she's your nana actually.
- Nana! - That's why I go to her.
Yeah.
- Dominican woman, right? - Right.
Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan.
Yeah. No, you've definitely, yeah, nailed down my lineage.
All right, well...
Hey, how come we've never done this before?
Because a few years ago, I rejected you, and you've been the worst to me ever since.
So cheers.
Right.
Shit. Fuck!
I have a stain stick. I really do.
That's all chemicals. This is wine. I got to soak it.
What?
It was either this or the baggy sweatshirt.
Then why didn't you choose the baggy sweatshirt?
'Cause I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh, my God.
It's gonna be very hard to have a conversation with you
while you're wearing that ladies' camisole.
Well, then I'll do all the talking.
What were we talking about?
I don't know. You just erased my mind.
Break-ups.
Yeah.
I just recently went through a pretty bad one.
- She cheated on you? - Worse.
What's worse than getting cheated on? Think about it.
I mean, I don't understand how a person
who can claim that they love you, act like they love you,
say it in words, say it in action,
can then turn around in that same breath and tell you
that they don't do anal.
For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.
What? I was kidding.
Are you leaving?
Yeah, I'm gonna do that now.
I was kidding.
Of course she did anal.
You're an idiot.
No, she was Greek Catholic. You know how they are.
I don't care about the anal or your stupid loft or any...
I can't even believe I've made it this deep into this experience.
You know what I think, is that you should stay the night here,
and we can keep talking and work some stuff out.
Donna, come on. You didn't even see the shower.
Donna! All right, I'm gonna jerk off. You're missing it.
Hi, it's Donna.
I'm really sorry about tonight. I'm really, really sorry.
I never should have just...
I saw you, and I got very nervous. I got taken by surprise.
I have something that I wanna talk to you about,
and I've been meaning to talk to you.
And I don't wanna leave it on your voicemail.
So, will you call me back, please?
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Sir, can you turn around and go to Manhattan, please?
You said Brooklyn.
I changed my mind.
Hi.
Are you sick?
What time is it?
I think probably midnight.
What's wrong? What going on?
Mom, can I come in bed with you?
Yeah.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Talk to me.
I'm pregnant, and I'm having an abortion.
Thank God.
I thought you were gonna tell me you were moving to LA.
What? No.
God. I was so scared to tell you.
Sweetheart, I know that we haven't been getting along lately,
but you should never be afraid to talk to me.
I was...
I was scared that you'd be very angry and very disappointed.
Well, I'm neither.
Look, I can't believe I never told you this,
but when I was in college, I had an abortion.
- Dad's? - No. God. Not your father's.
No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert.
And abortions were illegal in those days,
so your grandma had to drive me in the family station wagon
all the way to New Jersey.
And we had to go to some stranger's apartment.
When I got up there, there was 12 other women
just sitting there in some kind of stupor.
And they put me up on the kitchen table,
they gave me some kind of shot to put me out,
and that was that.
Next night, I was dancing at your aunt's sweet 16 party.
I didn't know that.
You know, I was going through some old papers,
and I found this book the other day
that you had written when you were 11 years old.
- I wrote a book? - Yes, you don't remember?
You wrote it to me.
You sent me a chapter every week from camp.
It was about this little girl detective named Winks.
She had a twitch.
I have a book for you actually
that one of your students dropped it off,
and somehow it slipped my mind. I forgot to give it to you.
Max Brown.
Is he, like, a teacher's pet?
Did he compliment you on your alpaca sweater?
Actually, he's a very good student and a pretty good writer, too.
Interesting. Why are you asking about Max?
There's no reason.
Because he's not your type.
Okay, what is my type?
- Smelly. - Mom!
Ryan didn't wear deodorants with antiperspirant in them,
because he was afraid of Alzheimer's.
Right. I would rather not remember smelling like garbage
than remember that I'd been stinking my entire life.
Yeah, okay, that was, like, a very funny observation.
- Thank you. - You made a full joke.
Darn it. I thought I would fool you with my 212 number.
Hello, it's me again, calling you again.
I can't remember the last time I left a number in my own speaking voice, so...
Anyway, here it is.
I am gonna be at the store until 5:00
and then maybe attempting to make people laugh around 8:30.
You should stop by if you feel like it.
I promise I won't leave with a stranger unless that stranger is you.
Goodbye.
They say to be yourself on dates,
but I actually think that's horrible advice from my experience.
No one wants to talk about how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot.
Or how it's offensive that I'm not his type.
You are gonna kill it out there.
I actually have an appointment to do that tomorrow. I'm sorry.
Boy. Okay.
- What do you want to drink? - Seltzer, please.
One seltzer.
I really wanna bring the next comic to the stage now,
because I think everything about her is fucking cool.
And I think that you guys are definitely going to agree with me on this.
She is hot as shit and brilliant.
Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern.
You guys like my singing voice?
I just burped into this because I'm an adult woman.
I do like being an adult woman.
I've always wanted to be that...
I've always wanted to have just, like, a bra, and a blouse,
and a schedule.
Like, where I could just, like, be in my house and just be like,
"Oh, my God, I'm running late," you know? Like...
I've always wanted to be able to be on the car phone and be like,
"Okay, Susan, will do.
"What? Okay. All right. Talk soon."
And then just hang up and not worry about, you know,
why the bathroom smells in a weird way.
But I'm not here to talk about car phones.
I came here tonight on a very different mission.
And that is
to say to you that...
Sorry.
Which is to say to you
that I am pregnant.
Okay, all right, testing the waters. I dropped that one down.
The second thing that I would like to say right now, out loud,
and I'm gonna say it out loud right now.
Out loud, right now... I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Just rolling along with this, out loud, right now.
Is that I am going to have an abortion...
Okay, okay, keep breathing.
...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day.
So, we'll start from there.
I'm sure you're wondering how this happened.
A little thing I like to call getting banged out in the middle of the night,
the heat, heat, heat of the night, by a very nice person
that I don't know very well at all.
I don't know. He was a stranger, but a nice one.
Probably the best of all the strangers that are out there.
And of course you guys aren't strangers anymore
because now you're a part of my life in a big way.
So I don't know if you've gleaned that maybe I'm not ready to be a mom.
You're like, "No shit. You are not ready to be a mom."
And so I decided to get the abortion,
but I really do love pregnant ladies,
and there's lots of things about being a mom that seem fun,
but for me it's just like I can't tell anyone to shut off the TV.
Equaling I can't shut off the TV.
I decided to tell my mom, and I thought she was gonna like,
you know, be super upset,
and, like, set me on fire and be like,
"You can never come back to the synagogue."
Which is also kind of a fantasy that I'd never have to go back to the synagogue.
So boring. Everyone's breath is horrible there.
But instead,
she was very relieved,
and she actually ended up telling me
that she herself had gotten an abortion in the '60s.
Which is pretty amazing
because the bushes were so big then,
that, you know, they must have really, you know, really had to hunt for it.
And I can say that because, you know, once you get an abortion,
you can reveal who else has had them.
I decided to be on the list of the very many women that have done this.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I can honestly say
it's not going to be the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had.
It's gonna be okay because
I know that I'm not alone.
I'm totally here. You guys are here.
You're all gonna come with me tomorrow.
But it's going to be...
I think it's going to be okay.
And afterwards, I'll just be in my future.
And, you know, we'll go from there, right?
I guess so.
That's really it.
You guys have been very generous to me tonight,
and I've really enjoyed myself.
So, thank you and happy V-Day.
Hope you get all the candy that you want and deserve.
That's it. Thank you.
- Morning, sunshine. - Hey.
You were so incredible last night.
He left.
I was talking about your set.
Thanks.
How's your stomach? You want this?
No, I don't. I just want this.
Well, when you're ready, I'll call us a cab.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
Okay, thank you very much. We are outside.
Five minutes.
Let's just take the train.
No, we're aborting in style.
I'm so cold!
Freezing.
Have you ever heard about the people on Mount Everest
who are about to die, and how that is for them?
No, tell me what happens to them.
It's not like what you imagine.
Like, that there are icicles coming out of their tears or whatever.
The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down."
But then they sit down, because they're so tired that they'll just die up there.
- Oh, my God. - And all their parkas are still there.
Max. Max. Max is walking.
Max is walking up. I'm not kidding, and he has a bouquet of flowers.
No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah.
- I can't... What do I do? - You just... I don't know.
- Pretend I'm saying something. - You are saying something.
- God... - He's coming.
- He's getting very close. - What's my face look like?
It's happening now. He's here.
- Hey. - Hi.
These are for you.
That's so nice.
I thought, maybe, if it was all right with you
and you,
I could go with you.
You can look at my sheet. It's okay. I don't have any secrets.
Nice.
Mental illness runs in your family.
Yeah, we have diabetes and depression.
The diabetes?
You guys like to eat a lot of candy in your family?
Lot of desserts, lot of pie, lot of brownie sundaes.
- That's darling. - Yeah.
So cold out today.
When I looked on weather.com this morning to pick out my outfit,
I saw that it is the coldest day of the year.
Really?
I heard they're going to start naming snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.
That's how intense it's going to be from now on.
The Donna.
Snowstorm of the century.
Donna Two.
Have you ever watched a weather report before?
Man, I got to get on that.
- Just movie trailers for you, huh? - Is that what that is?
Is that all?
I'm sorry I took off last night.
I got your voicemails.
I just didn't know what to do.
I also made a very extreme move last night.
Yeah, but
it was an asshole move on my part.
No.
I think we're both just trying to figure out
- how to do everything. - Yeah.
I really wanted to tell you when we were at dinner, but then you...
I freaked out because you started talking about wanting to be a grandfather.
And you thought I meant, like, tomorrow?
Well, you're, like, 76, right?
Yeah. Yep.
I just don't... You know.
We've just been acquainted.
I didn't know if you'd be okay with this.
Are you okay with this?
Yeah. Yes.
- Of course. - Good.
I want to be a grandpa, you know, someday.
- Dad first and then... Right. - Yeah.
This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day I have ever had.
Which one of you is Donna?
Follow me, please.
Okay.
Well, thank you for coming.
Thanks for letting me.
See you on the other side?
Hi, Donna. The sedative should be taking effect.
Are you feeling relaxed?
Okay, Donna, we're going to start the procedure now.
Let us know if you feel any discomfort at any time.
- Here you go. It's hot. Careful. - Thank you.
Do you want to put your feet up?
Okay.
- How's that? - It's good.
I made a bunch of friends in the waiting room
at the DMV.
Oh, God.
We weren't at the DMV.
I got my license renewed.
You did?
Were you not... I got the car inspected.
You know, I think they towed my car.
Yeah, they sort of took a lot of stuff out of the trunk.
And, you know, for a second, I was afraid to drive it again,
but I think I probably will.
- So you were there? You were at the DMV. - Yeah.
That was us.
- Do you want to watch a movie? - Always.
Okay.
Let's see what we got going on here.
It is nothing but romantic comedies.
I just hate that type of film.
I don't connect to it.
Here we go.
We have hit the mother lode.
Gone with the Wind is about to start. Have you ever seen this?
I have not.
I've never seen it either.
Do you want to watch it?
I mean, I do, but it's, like, 10 hours long.
Do you have somewhere to be?
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