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I believe in happy endings.
And it's the only thing that's ever made sense to me.
You know, I used to lock myself in my room
and watch all the oldies on PBS.
We couldn't afford cable, which was fine.
You know, who needs to watch shows on teenage pregnancy
and kids living in the same house screaming at each other?
In my neighborhood, that was called wednesday.
Well, I used to escape with Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn
and Fred Astaire spinning Ginger Rogers on the dance floor
and Bogie finally plant one on Lauren Bacall.
All in glorious black and white.
You like fairy tales?
I think we all need a little magic from time to time, don't you think?
I mean, what would Lana Turner have done
if Mervyn Leroy had never gone into Schwab's
on Hollywood and Vine
and he saw her there, drinking that coke.
She was discovered right there, and that coke changed her life.
Well, so they tell the tourists,
because it wasn't Schwab's
It was actually a place called top hat on Sunset and McCadden.
And it wasn't Mervyn Leroy,
it was actually a guy from the Hollywood Reporter.
And her name wasn't even Lana Turner then.
It was Judy... Actually her real name was Julia.
But you knew all that, right?
You know, it doesn't really have the same magic, though.
So you think you got here by magic?
In its purest form.
I mean, there are a thousand, no...
There are a million lefts or rights.
Picking up instead of dodging a call.
Deciding on indian instead of italian.
You know, willing yourself to go out, when all you want to do is sleep.
I can almost trace it back to the very first step.
Blows my mind...
To think that just like Lana, a chance encounter changed my life.
Of course, I always thought the guy who would change my life
would be powerful like Marlon Brando
or sparkle like Cary Grant
or smell like worn leather like James Dean.
Mr. Albertson, do you need me for anything else?
- I'm good. Fine. Thank you. - Okay.
You never think it will just be some guy
who looks like some guy
who's just as screwed up as the rest of us.
Hello. I think I've a reservation. Derek Thomas.
Yes, Mr. Thomas. You're in suite 1369.
- Okay. - Bellman.
- Thank you. - Sure. Right this way.
- Where'd you fly in from? - Los Angeles.
L.A. I've always wanted to go there.
A lot of pretty girls.
Of course, there are a lot of pretty girls everywhere.
That's one of the nice things about the world.
So have you stayed with us before, sir?
Yeah.
So, how's the weather out there now?
You know, it's always oppressively perfect.
Well, look who's here!
Seth, my darling. I thought you were staying at the Pierre.
And I thought you were at your in-laws.
No, not till tomorrow. That's when Delta and the kids arrive.
I can't handle her parents by myself.
- Man's best friend. - This is Wilba.
So what are you doing later? You want some dinner?
No, I'm so worn out. Exhausted.
You know, jet lag and everything.
It was a very tough little picture.
No sleep. Hurt my back.
I better just take an epsom salt bath and go straight to bed.
Goodnight. I will see you at Rehearsals.
And why are you getting off?
I'm on this floor. 1317.
That's convenient. Okay.
I'm going to turn in.
Well, it's comforting to know my director's close by.
- Love to Delta. - Okay.
Actors...
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm an actor!
There's something special about them, isn't there?
That's just what I meant.
What? We don't want to buy anything so forget it!
I was raised in Brooklyn with my parents,
which was tough, you know.
They stopped believing in happy endings a long time ago.
Shut up! I can handle this.
No! You shut up.
But I try not to blame them.
Things started out great for them,
like ma was crowned miss Coney Island, 1974,
All because of pops.
He was one of the judges?
No. He was selling the hot-dogs on the boardwalk,
but he watched the entire pageant, and he sees my ma,
And he falls for her, like, hard.
So he starts putting all this rotten mustard in all the hot-dogs
and my ma is the only one who doesn't run off the stage
clutching her stomach, so...
That sealed it.
But he had a million ideas
and he used to promise my ma that it was only gonna be a matter of time
before one of them hit.
So she got a job washing hair in a beauty salon
and she was waiting and waiting...
And you know, twenty years go by and she's still washing hair.
What does he do, your father?
He invents things.
Like what?
Do you know the glue stick?
He invented that?
No. He invented the butter stick,
so you smooth it on your toast real good.
But... I mean, it was huge in Japan.
Hello, Vickie's.
Hi, Vickie. I'm over at the Barclay
and I was calling about the availability
of one of your escorts for this evening.
Which one is that, sir?
From the webpage here. Glo.
Can you hold on just one minute? I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay.
- Hello? - Mr. Albertson.
Who's this? Who is it?
It's me, dad. It's David.
David. Where are you?
Home. Geez, dad, where do you think I am?
We're getting ready to leave.
You're leaving? I thought you guys weren't arriving until tomorrow.
Yeah, dad, we're just going to dinner.
Okay. David, do me a favor and put your mom on.
Mom? I thought mom was with you.
- What? - I'm kidding, dad.
- Just a minute. - Hold it, David.
I'm sorry, just one more minute, Vickie.
You know, I really can't.
Why don't I see if Glo can do it?
Great. Yeah! That, that and, and see if she
can maybe come in the next hour or so.
If I can reach her. I'll call you back. What room are you in?
1369. The name's Derek Thomas.
Thank you.
- Hey, David. - No, it's Josie.
And I'm kinda tired of waiting, dad.
I'm sorry, Josie.
Hold on. Hold it. I know. Hold it. Dad!
- Hello? - Hi, Arnold.
I just wanted to confirm the time for tomorrow...
No, no, Seth. It's not tomorrow.
It's the day after tomorrow. At noon.
- At the belasco? - That's right.
- Okay. Good night. - Good night.
Sorry about that, Josie.
Hey, no, it's me.
Delta, how are you?
Delta, I'm sorry, it's room service. Just a second.
- Hello? - Hello, who's this?
- This is Arnold. - Arnold?
I mean, this is Derek. Vickie?
Yes. Why did you say Arnold?
I didn't... You know, just 'cause they...
Derek, Arnold, they sound alike.
Or almost same amount of letters.
What?
You know, like a joke. Like it's my indian name.
- Are you indian? - Honorary.
Can you hold for just a minute?
No, you know what, I'm just keeping you posted.
Glo's phone is busy. I'll keep trying. I'll call you back.
Good. Good. Keep trying. Okay.
Delta, I'm sorry. How are you?
Fine. Who were you talking to?
Just room service. My back has been killing me.
But how are you?
I'm a little nervous. I can't believe it's been seven years
since I've been on a stage. I don't think I can sleep tonight.
Me too. Me too.
I'm just going to take a bath and head straight to bed.
I'll get it.
It's always for you anyway.
Hello? Hi, Vickie.
Who is it?
It's my boss, mom.
Can't they never leave you alone?
I'm trying to earn a living, okay?
Hi, Vickie, what's up?
When can you get to Manhattan?
Maybe an hour. Give me an hour.
Great. You got a pencil?
- Here's the name. Derek. D-E-R... - I can spell it.
Okay. Thomas, room 1369.
Okay, got it. Where'd you say?
- The Barclay. - Done.
So the rumors are true?
- You really did work as a... - A muse?
A what?
A muse.
That's a real job?
Yeah. It was for me.
My clients were mostly poor souls.
Completely empty of magic.
So it was my job to breathe life back into them.
- Look! - You make a person feel special.
You treat them like they're the most important thing in the world.
And for an hour...
They are.
There was one particular client which...
I'll tell you more about him in a minute.
He hired a private eye, called him a gumshoe, to follow me.
I didn't mind.
It was kind of flattering that someone wanted to know
where I was all the time.
Okay. Hold it.
Who is it?
It's me. It's Glo.
- Hi. Hello. - Hi, how are you?
Good. Glo, right?
Yeah. That's right, but don't wear it out.
Say, can I use your bathroom?
Yeah. It's right, it's right over there.
- Hello? - Derek? Is she there yet?
Yeah, she's in the bathroom.
But, hold on.
Glo, I'm sorry. It's Vickie.
Yeah... Tell her I'll be right there.
Vickie, she'll be right there... Here.
Here she is. Okay.
- Hi. - Why didn't you call?
I had to go. I'm fine. I'll call you in an hour.
You know, it could be more than an hour.
He says it could be more than an hour.
Well, then have him pay you now for two hours, and see how it goes.
Okay.
- Hi. - Pay her now for two hours
and see how it goes. And I'll call you back in two hours.
Okay. Sounds good.
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Sure. Yeah. You want jasmine, citrus, or pear?
- What? - Lotion? Foot rub?
No, no, no. I just put my socks on.
Well, I can't rub your feet if you're going to be wearing socks.
No, no. I thought maybe we could go out.
- We're going out? - Yeah, let's go to dinner.
- Wh... Are you serious? - Yeah. Come on.
You mean, we're going to go out and then we come back again?
Yeah, you know, it could be three hours, it could be four hours.
Big spender.
Where do you want to go? Are you hungry?
Yeah, I know a place. Do you like indian?
- Okay. - You don't like indian?
No, no, I love it. I love it. Yeah, yeah.
- Not too spicy. - No, mild.
That was not mild.
How about a carriage ride?
- I could use the air. - Fun!
Derek...
How come you're such a nice guy?
- Me? I am? - Yeah.
Yeah, you are. You're a real nice guy, you know.
No other client ever took me for a drink,
or for a meal or a buggy ride, you know?
They just want to, you know, "wham, bam", thank you, ma'am.
I guess, I'm the romantic type.
Yeah, you are.
You are. You are a romantic guy.
What do you want to do? I mean, besides this.
What do you want to do?
I want...
I want to act, you know.
Yeah, I want to be an actress.
But then, of course, my dad thinks I'm on cloud nine
- with the whole acting thing. - Why?
'Cause it's like I just do this as a way to earn a living
while I wait until my break, you know.
Also help my folks out a little.
Well, maybe there's a better way to earn a living.
Well, you know, you date guys...
What do they want?
They want you in the sack.
So this way, guys I meet, that's all they want, too,
but at least they're gonna pay for it.
You know, you meet a guy and they expect it for nothing.
So this way I figure I'm ahead of the game.
But it doesn't really make me feel good, really.
I think you're terrific.
You know, you are the most detailed kind of lover!
- Detailed? - Yeah.
Like... That was amazing.
I really like you.
Listen...
You wanna make a deal with me?
What kinda deal?
No, no, no. I'm, I'm leaving tomorrow.
But if you... If you promise me tonight, solemnly,
on your word of honor,
that you'll never do this again,
I'll give you $30,000.
What... To have sex?
No, no, you know, for money.
Promise me you'll only do it when you, when you like someone, or for love.
What you're gonna give me $30,000 for that?
Yeah.
I mean, it'll give you a fresh start on your acting,
and whatever you want to do.
You are a romantic guy!
But you're not really serious?
No, I'm serious. It's, it's in the suitcase.
No strings attached, I promise. I just...
I think you're great.
I do.
You're kinda the first one, you know?
Like, my, my dad always said that I was just crazy for wanting to act
and he said it was never going to be "my place in life",
He called it.
- And my mom, too. - That's ridiculous.
Nobody can tell you where your place is.
Where's my place? Where's anybody's place.
You want to know where it is? Wherever you're happy.
That's where your place is. And you're the best judge of that.
In central park, for instance,
some people like to feed nuts to the squirrels.
But if it makes someone happy to feed squirrels to the nuts,
who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?
- That is just terrific! - It's good, right.
Say, could you, could you kiss me again?
Before the 30 grand?
You know, this man, this beautiful person,
all he wanted to do was care for me.
For me...
And he did.
And he changed my life, in a New York minute.
You know, I think I felt something for him
that I never felt for anybody before.
Love?
Gratitude.
He inspired me the way that I inspired my clients.
Even a muse needs a muse.
I'll miss you, Glo...
I mean, Izzy.
No, I'll miss you...
You have a good trip.
Okay. Be safe.
You know, I'll never forget you, Derek.
Me too.
Justin!
That client I told you about earlier, was a judge.
And he couldn't write his judgments or opinions or whatever.
So, I worked with him a little bit and yeah, totally helped him out.
The problem is that when you inspire people
they want to keep getting inspired, over and over again.
Sometimes for hours.
It's like a drug. Highly addictive.
If you don't get it, you start to go batty.
Hello, this is Vickie's. We're not here right now,
but leave a message and we'll call you back soon.
Hello, Vickie? This is Dr. Dolittle.
- You can't call me... - Hello, hello, Doc.
Why are you whispering? Where are you? Niagara falls?
No, no, no. But I just had to call you because...
Glo... You know. I need to see her again.
- She's quit. - Quit?
- What do you mean, quit? - Quit means quit.
Now, would you like anybody else?
I have a very nice blond I can send over.
Not now. I'll call back.
This is Dr. Vivian Claremont.
I have gone on sabbatical and will be in Tuscany for six months.
Any of you who need immediate help may speak to my daughter,
who is very empathetic, her name is Jane Claremont.
In an emergency, call her cellphone.
Eight million people in New York
and it seems like everyone knows everyone.
Will somebody answer their God damn phone?
Didn't your mother leave you an emergency line?
Shit! Shit!
I like to think that coincidence is a way of reminding us
that there's somebody up there with a master plan.
Yes? Hello? Who is it?
Hello, is this the Claremont daughter?
Yes. Who is it?
Well, I'm having a bit of an emergency.
An emergency? All right, you probably just think it's an emergency!
I have just dropped all of my stuff on the street in New York City.
Now, that is an emergency! What's yours?
Well, I'm, I'm having a problem. It's kind of an obsession...
An obsession?
All right, can I just tell you something from experience,
obsessions are not emergencies.
They stick with you your entire life
so you better just face it, that this thing is going to be with you
for a really long time.
Either you just have to get over it,
or deal with it, all right?
So, if you would like to call me during office hours, that's fine.
I work monday, tuesday,
not wednesday morning, which is right now.
Not thursday mornings, which is tomorrow.
So you can call me this afternoon,
tomorrow afternoon or friday all day, all right?
I don't want to be bothered with nonsense.
Please, you're a grown man. Grow up!
Me, me, me...
Me, me, me, me, me.
Joshua! Please, please, can you just hold the dog?
Please. I'm on the phone, I'm dealing with emergencies.
People need me. I'm a caregiver, it's what I do and...
Well, then, you know, you should really try to be more polite to people.
What is it with you today?
Did someone take a piss in your cornflakes?
Nothing. I'm just a little nervous about tomorrow's casting.
What is the big deal? It shouldn't...
- I told you to please not call... - No, it's my phone.
It's not a good time right now, dad.
I cannot believe you're talking to your father.
- He just called. - Your father!
- I'm calling him back. - Please!
He calls you all the... It's like its father's day with you every day!
I mean, the guy calls you all the time!
- No, he doesn't. - It's a little weird.
- Honestly, I'm getting fed up with it. - He's called me once.
In fact, I am fed up with it. I'm out of here.
Taxi!
Don't you want your dog or your bags?
You are the rudest person I have ever met.
Come on. Come on, shep.
Taxi!
Maybe that judge or Dr. Jane wasn't as nutty as I remember.
Good girl.
But memory isn't a video camera.
Is it?
Hello? Fleet detectives. We're never too busy.
I can't give up. I've thought about it all night.
I've got to see her, is that too much to ask?
Just a minute, judge. Her wiretap just came on.
- What's happening? - Her agent is calling her.
Hello? I've got an audition for you.
- When? What time? - Tomorrow.
- Can you make it at 11:00? - Yeah, sure. I can make that.
- What's the, what's the part? - It's a leading role.
It's a lead? No kidding.
Yeah, I'm thrilled. What's the character?
She's a hooker?
- A hooker? - Yeah.
No kidding. That's kind of funny.
What... What's like the director?
Arnold Albertson.
Arnold Albertson?
- Yeah. He's very good. - Never heard of him.
- He's one of the best. - Okay.
- Bye. - All right, bye.
Okay, judge, don't worry. I'll follow her.
I feel better now that you're still on the case.
- Hi, Derek. - Hi.
Remember me? Elizabeth!
Elizabeth, right. We...
Squirrels To The Nuts?
My God, yes!
Yes, Chicago.
No, Dallas.
Dallas, that's right. Yes. Yes.
How have you been?
How have I been?
- You absolutely changed my entire life! - Have I?
I can't believe I'm running into you right now.
I started a dress line with that money. I just got back from Paris.
I'm going to Rio to start a deal! How have I been?
Well, it's great to see you, I'm just...
Derek, how do I find you?
I feel like I've been asking myself the same question the last 40 years.
And I still don't know, but listen,
I'm just rushing off, but we'll always have Dallas
and I'm so happy I was able to help.
Okay, well, thank you again.
- And I hope I see you again. - I know.
Okay. Okay...
So there were others. He helped me and he helped them.
And I'm not saying what he did was right.
I'm not defending him.
But he did it for the high,
and after every high there always comes the crash.
Arnold!
How was the flight?
One of my clients gave me a lifetime of therapy as a gift.
And my therapist was a drunk.
So she left to dry out. Her daughter took over, Dr. Jane.
And she wrote this book
finding your softer side. Do you know it?
- No. - Big best-seller.
She seemed like a sweet woman and I was excited to talk to her.
Yes, yes. My mother has been gone for three months.
If you would like to talk to me, fine.
If you would not like to talk to me, that's fine.
- Have you decided? - No.
No. I mean, I'd like to talk to you.
She'd been through a rough break up the year before
with a hot yoga teacher.
Well, I mean, the yoga was hot, not the teacher.
Well, actually, the teacher was, too, but that's not the point.
They meet in class, and he starts to give her these private lessons.
And then they move in together. It turns out
he had been giving every other woman in the class private lessons, too.
Can you imagine?
I mean, no wonder her latest book is called Bitchy Is Beautiful.
That one I read. Yeah.
- All right, have a seat. - Yeah, thanks.
So, I've taken a look at your file. What's your name again?
Izzy.
That's short for something. What's your full name?
I beg your pardon?
What's your full name? Pay attention!
My name is Isabella.
There. Isabella.
And you've cut it down to Izzy.
That means you are cutting off the sweet part of yourself
because Isabella is so sweet and Izzy is so hard.
There's some insight into your personality right there.
It seems that you're insecure with your sweet self,
so you're emphasizing your tough self.
Am I right or am I wrong? Where's your file?
Okay...
A.K.A. Glo stick... Why A.K.A. Anyway? Do...
Call girl?
Well, that's disgusting.
I mean, how do you feel when you're even doing that?
Honestly.
Are there any up sides to this job?
Well, there were a lot of ups... That wasn't really the problem.
You don't joke in therapy.
I'm just... I'm feeling kind of nervous.
You know, I've got this really important audition tomorrow.
What? So you're auditioning to be a call girl?
No, no, no. I do that on the side,
like, just to kind of support my acting.
So you have an audition.
- What's the role? - A call girl.
Wait, I just asked you that.
I know, it's so ironic,
but life is like that sometimes.
All right, well that's great. At least you have a lot of experience.
Shit!
- Hold on a second. - Hello? Hi!
Can you hear me?
I guess you're probably in a session.
Great, it's my mother. She's drunk!
Does he bite?
I don't know. It depends.
Yeah, 'cause...
What are you doing? Excuse me!
Please get off the chair.
- Are you insane? - I don't really like dogs.
Don't like dogs.
Come on. Come on.
Go on, scram! Scram.
Come on.
God, you're neurotic, that's for sure.
My mother's calling from a Detox Center outside of Pisa.
Hello, I really need to speak to somebody
about my obsessional problem. Maybe I could make an appointment.
I'm on the Verge here... The very Verge.
That voice sounds so familiar...
Yeah, well, it's starting to sound way too familiar to me.
That guy is a total loon!
But I cannot talk about my clients.
I cannot talk about my clients...
Because that's private.
So I can't tell you who it is, so don't ask me.
Now, where was I?
So if you would just embrace the softer side of yourself,
and stop living on that hard edge,
you would be in such better shape.
Just start calling yourself Isabella
and you may solve many, if not all, of your problems.
Well, today I've stopped being a call girl.
That's great!
You see how therapy works!
It's like a... It's like a swiss clock.
That's fabulous. You don't need therapy any more. We're finished.
Just get yourself a large dog... They're great company.
Congratulations, Izzy... Isabella.
You've graduated.
Well, your name is the first thing people learn about you.
You know, it's how they think of you. It's who you are.
Dr. Jane gave me that, but...
I wasn't going to be Izzy Finklestein from Brooklyn any more.
I was going to be Isabella Patterson.
From wherever I wanted to be.
What a thrill to see you walk in!
- Delta, you know Josh? - Of course.
Your play's only gotten better, Joshua.
Thank you! I can't wait to see you do it.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
And you know Seth, of course.
Do we know each other? How long's it been since London?
Too long, dear.
Come here.
Nice to meet you.
Let's get everybody going. Sandy!
- You're looking gorgeous. - Seth, you're such a charmer.
Well, I hope so.
Did you know Seth Gilbert was going to be at the audition?
No. No idea.
I didn't even know he did theater any more, since those movies.
What's the one where he had like pink, fluffy sleeves
and the trained Bumble Bee in his belt buckle?
- Red Bee man? - Yeah...
Well, after all five of those I sort of stopped following him.
What about Delta Simmons?
You want, you want to hear something really funny?
Sure.
One time, she comes into the salon and my ma washes her hair.
So we got this picture of ma and Delta above the fake fireplace.
Talk about cosmic forces...
Now, I had the chance to work with her.
It was fate, but I never got to tell her.
"Let me just ask you one question.
"Do you promise that whenever I ask the...
"Whenever I tell you something
"that you'll always stand by me and that you'll never be...
"That you'll always be my friend, and that you'll always...
Do you promise that no matter what I tell you..."
Producer's daughters...
"Do you promise that no matter what, you'll always be my friend..."
Great, thank you. That was excellent.
I think you're a little bit young, but thanks so much for coming in.
- Thank you! - Thank you!
Very good, darlings.
Okay, Sandy, next!
This is Isabella Patterson.
Goodness!
Hey, hey, hey!
There we are.
- Sorry. I'm so nervous. - Don't be nervous. Just relax.
Jesus, no! God damn it!
She's not right.
- Why not? - Because she's not the right type.
- Josh... - I think she looks great for it.
Just relax.
Are you okay, Isabella?
If you're not feeling well...
Sandy, why don't we get her information
and come back another time when you're feeling more up for it.
She's sick, unfortunately.
No, no, I'd rather do it today
because I looked at astrology zone today
and it said it was going to be a special day for me.
Okay, well, we don't want to argue with that.
Let's proceed.
Maybe we'll get surprised.
So, I've prepared three scenes.
We're only going to do one because we're under a lot of pressure.
Okay...
So which one should I do?
Arnold, don't you think we should do the intimate scene with me?
No, no. We're going to do the scene with the two women.
You look familiar. Were you at the barclay recently?
No.
Seth, you're not in this scene.
So, why don't you take a breather and we'll let the ladies begin.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay, dear? Do you need a second?
- No. - Sure?
Yeah, I'm fine.
"You sure you don't want a drink?"
"No, no. I just don't know where to start."
"Well, start anywhere you like."
"I just don't know how it all happened, but...
"It was sort of a very grecian evening.
"You see,
"I got into this line of work where you usually...
"You don't know who you're going to end up with
"until you get to your destination.
Sort of like a temp, but more intimate."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, this is really difficult.
"Because you are my very close friend and I do tell you everything
"and that's why I'm telling you this.
"Otherwise if I didn't care for you, I wouldn't tell you.
"And I could go on forever being your best friend
"and you really wouldn't have to know, but I really need to tell you."
- "What are you talking about?" - "Well...
"I was a call girl
"and I pretty much am a call girl."
"A call girl!"
"Let me just ask you one question.
"No matter what I say,
"Please don't judge me
"And whatever I tell you, promise me you'll always be my friend
"and you'll always stand by me."
"Of course. Anything.
"I care about you.
"But I'm also very, very shocked.
"And I also feel so sad. Those rotten bastards!"
"Put it this way.
"Do you want the bad news?
"Or the bad, bad news?
"Or do you want the bad, bad, bad news?"
"My God, there's more?
"Okay, give me the bad news."
"The condom broke."
- "No..." - "Yeah.
"And the bad, bad news is that I'm pregnant."
- "God!" - "Yeah..."
"Well, I guess I'll be an auntie... That's not so bad."
"Well...
"The bad, bad, bad news?"
"Yes?"
"Gosh..."
"What? Tell me."
"It was your Fred.
"Please don't hate me. And don't hate him.
"It was just one of those crazy, stupid, weird things
"that happen to you in life
"and you can't predict it and you can't judge it!
"So please... Please don't hate me."
That was brilliant, darling. That was so good!
Darling. Wasn't she so good, Arnold?
Very good.
Thank you so much for coming, we're running late, so...
I'll show her out, Sandy. You bring in the next girl.
- Very good, Isabelle. - Thanks a lot.
- Yeah. Bye. - Goodbye!
Hey, I'll walk you out.
Well done.
Wasn't she good?
She was. Very. She nailed it!
Wasn't she good, Arnold?
I did think she was good.
She really moved me.
Okay, so what's next? Let's move on...
- So, you were a call girl? - In the play.
No, that's not what you've been implying.
Yeah, no. Izzy was. Yeah.
But you're Izzy.
I am.
So, are you by any chance free for dinner tonight?
I don't know. Yeah, I guess.
Good. Good.
I was so impressed with that reading today.
But, to be honest, I was impressed before the reading too, so...
Well, thanks a lot.
Yeah.
Do you know Arnold Albertson that well?
Yeah, I know him. But not very well.
He's helped me with the play for a year. Why?
Nothing. He just seemed like a really nice guy.
Yeah... Do you like italian?
Food.
Yeah, sure.
How about Nicks on Fifth?
Or should I pick you up at home?
No, no, no. I'll meet you at the restaurant.
- What time? - Eight o'clock?
Okay, sure. I'll see you then.
Okay. Don't tell anybody, but I'm rooting for you.
Thanks a lot.
- I'll see you later. - Okay.
Bye.
Do you know the movie breakfast at Tiffany's?
- Yes. - Well...
They were playing it somewhere downtown and I see this poster
of Audrey looking so gorgeous.
So I bought a ticket and I went in.
And, for weeks I couldn't get this movie out of my head, you know?
She had everything under control.
Everything figured out, she didn't need anything...
She is a call girl.
Well, maybe she was just somebody who liked to have a drink and a dance
and spread happiness,
and if a guy was going to give her 50 on the way to the powder room
then she deserved it because she touched their lives.
I'm perfectly aware that it's an obsession.
But maybe if I knew more about the woman herself...
Yes, what is it about this woman
that makes her so goddamn obsessionable?
She doesn't sound like my grandmother.
Say, what?
Every woman I've ever known sounds like my grandmother,
except for this one.
Glo...
Glo?
As in Glo stick?
Why, yes. Why?
My God.
What do you mean, "My God?"
I mean... My God! That's terrific!
What a terrific... Terrific name.
Yeah, you don't come across that name too often.
No, but in therapy you do. It's kinda common in therapy.
You know a Glo stick?
Yes, I do. Okay? In fact, I am her therapist.
But professional reasons make it impossible for me to discuss
anything whatsoever to do with her.
She's a very nice woman, however.
She's a little neurotic and she has got quite a few problems
and she needs to get in touch with her softer side.
But that's... That's private! That is private! I am a doctor.
Doctors do not discuss their patients' private lives.
How would you like it if I my next client walked in here
and I said that the guy that just walked out of here
Is a lunatic weirdo obsessed with a woman named Glo stick?
How would you like that?
Well...
And by the way, I don't think that this girl, however attractive,
is worth being obsessed about.
Especially for a married judge of other humans.
Now, I'm not judgmental, but that's just stupid!
It's me, Josh. Can you pick up?
See what a good therapist I am?
That's my boyfriend and I'm not picking up.
This is your private time.
So, I'm kind of stuck with the play tonight and I can't make it for dinner.
What do you mean? What do you mean you can't make it to dinner?
Fine! You know what? I'll starve.
I've starved before, I'll starve again.
You know, I've been starving a lot myself lately.
Perhaps we should starve together.
Would you care to have dinner with me tonight?
What kind of food do you eat?
Do you like italian?
It's all right.
- So? - All right.
I'm going to change my tampon.
I'm sorry, I just... I don't agree with you.
I just think that Patterson girl "nailed it," as Seth put it.
I just think that there was something about her that nobody else had.
Kind of an experienced quality. Almost like she'd lived it.
Yeah, I have to say, I agree with Delta and Seth.
I mean, she had something really, really special.
She reminds me of the girl that I fell in love with in kindergarten.
Was she a hooker?
Yeah, she was a kindergarten hooker.
That sounds like a progressive school.
Okay, Sandy, who have we not discussed?
You've covered it.
Okay, well, why don't we call it a night and sleep on it.
That Izzy, though,
I feel like I know her from somewhere.
Well, she did have one of those sort of ordinary faces
that are a dime a dozen, so...
I don't think so.
Well, what do I know? I'm so hungry I can't even think straight right now.
Okay, looks like that's a wrap.
Okay.
You're looking more beautiful than ever.
I can't wait to do this... Especially the love scenes.
Get out of here.
Well, thank you, Mr. Director,
that was a very surprising first day, wasn't it?
It sure was, yeah. That's why we go to the theater... To be surprised.
Incidentally, you might find a few more colors
in your performance tomorrow in rehearsals.
But good job today. We're just beginning.
Hey, sorry if I was a little snappy, darling.
But, why don't I make it up with a little romantic dinner?
Can I help you, sir?
Table for one, over there.
This way, please.
Hi!
Hi.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My God, are you all right?
It's all right, it's all right.
No, no... Let me get you up.
May I offer you some water?
- No. - Scotch and soda?
- Maybe. - I'll look into it.
- Thank you. - My pleasure.
Such a beautiful restaurant.
Ahem!
- What's your problem? - Nothing, nothing...
I'm just... I was thirsty.
Thank you.
What is it with you?
I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm just very thirsty.
Well, then pick up the glass! Stop pushing it off the table.
You must have been such a demanding child.
God, I'm just starving.
Anyway, as I was saying, I'm just so sick of artists.
They just always let you down.
Just give me a great businessman.
Dating this playwright... They write plays,
they don't think about life, they...
Are you listening to anything that I'm saying?
And why are you hiding behind that menu?
I'm not!
Lawyers, good people. Yes. Yes.
I just have to change my life, that's all I can say. I have to.
What are you looking at?
Is that who I think it is?
That son of a bitch!
My gosh! Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah. - Everybody keeps falling down!
Wow, how great! Here's my therapist...
Jane, look, you have to...
You're fired!
Josh!
Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. - You sure?
- Yeah. - Do you know her?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Don't just leave!
You're fired, too!
Watch where you're going!
You...
I have got to go to the ladies room.
- Are you all right, son? - Dad!
- What are you doing here? - I work here.
- From when? - It's a long story,
and neither of us has time for it.
I'll see you in a minute.
I'm going to use the rest room.
Jane! Wait!
Well, hello, wonderful reading!
I was just getting some air.
Of course.
Josh, what are you doing here?
Arnold. Hi.
Delta always said this was a great place
- so I thought I'd try it. - Yeah, yeah.
I'm here with that girl, Izzy. I was so impressed with her.
- She's here? - Yeah. In the ladies room.
Dear God in heaven.
What?
Why would you...
- Judge, let's take a little walk. - I don't want a little walk.
I'm going back in there and see what's going on!
Not right now, judge.
Well, I can't follow anything you say.
Let's not blow it now.
Look who I found in the ladies room.
- Josh... - Yeah.
Josh told me.
- How are you? - I'm fine, thanks.
- Fast moves, Josh. - No, I just...
Have you had a chance to look at the menu yet, Arnold?
Luckily, our kids love their grandparents,
but we really should try to tuck them in tonight, right, darling?
You know, I don't feel too good. I think I'm gonna go.
- No. - I'm sorry.
- Feel better. - Yeah.
Feel better.
Well, look whose here. One minute, Dmitri.
Hey, Glo! What do ya know?
You talking to me? No, I'm Isabella.
You two know each other?
No. Not really.
Yeah, my mistake.
The gang's all here. Of all the gin joints...
Delta, you look even younger now than you did that time in Piccadilly
when you played with those children. Remember?
That was fun, wasn't it?
It was really nice to see you all, but I gotta go.
- Feel better. - Yes.
- See you tomorrow. - Let's sit down, Frankie.
Arnold,
Frankie is friends with Vickie.
I don't know any Vickies.
My mistake.
- Must be some other guy. - Yeah.
Everybody seems to be confused tonight! Must be the weather.
Yeah.
Confusion reigns.
See you in the morning.
Good night, sweet princess.
Adieu.
Good night.
Adieu.
Why don't you like that girl?
- Which girl? - Isabella Patterson.
Who said I don't like her?
Well, you certainly act weird around her.
Act weird? I barely even looked at her.
Exactly.
It's better, it's better than swooning over Mr. Seth Seduction.
I mean, everything he says you act like it's the funniest thing you ever heard.
Pish-Tosh... You're always jealous.
Why is everything always back to London and Piccadilly?
And this glorious time you guys had.
We had a good time on that play, you know that.
No, I know. I'm sorry.
There they are!
- Judge... - What?
I'm sorry to tell you, but a problem has come up...
That's my son.
That's your son?
There's something not kosher here. How long has this been going on?
What are you talking about? I didn't know anything until half an hour ago,
if that's what you're implying.
I smell a rat.
Ha, you do? So do I!
- Wait, wait, wait! - I'm tired of being abused.
I hope you're feeling better now.
Yeah, I'm okay.
But you, you didn't get anything to eat.
You want to come in and have a sandwich?
- Sure. - Okay.
God damn wrestling match!
Would you stop complaining?
Shut up! I can't hear the TV.
You shut up! Go play on the highway!
What's normal?
He was the first playwright that I ever met.
And he was a true gentleman, you know?
He didn't even try to kiss me, even when I knew he wanted to.
And, he asked to meet my father.
And no one had ever done that before.
I never even had a boy in the house before.
But... Yeah, he was exactly what I imagined a playwright to be.
Very sensitive and, he was like the Arthur Miller to my Marilyn.
That was a great sandwich. Thanks.
Are you okay? You seem a little sad.
Yeah, it's just...
I don't think I'm gonna get the part.
I feel very optimistic about it.
You're very sweet.
May I call you?
Yeah.
Sure. Why not?
Well, thanks for making my play better.
So long, Josh.
That Loretta girl gave a fair reading...
Isabella gave a brilliant one.
- You have to make a decision today. - Yeah.
I don't understand what the problem is.
It's not a problem. No one said anything about a problem.
- It's just that I have a process, okay? - A process?
And the process begins with a bagel.
- Pull the rigger, darling. - I'm eating in silence, honey.
- Come on. - Arnold!
We're going to go to 61st and Madison.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Well, he's a talker, isn't he?
They gave me the wrong bagels...
I asked for poppy seed. They gave me four...
Boy, are you in a mood today!
Which nobody eats.
Tell me why you don't like her?
Who said that I don't like her? I just don't want to make a snap decision.
- A snap decision. - It's too important. It's my process.
Who is the one who always says you have to go with your gut
and not think about things too much?
- All right, not me. - That was a direct quote... - I dont talk like that.
- I never... Talk about my gut. - What is wrong with you?
There's nothing wrong with me. I am under a great deal of pressure
and I don't need my wife adding more pressure.
You have to admit, there is something about this girl.
Maybe she was a escort in a past life.
- Now we're talking about past lives? - I don't know.
What's going on? Where's the driver?
Is that him?
Yeah, that's him. But where's he going?
He seems to be getting into a cab.
This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. What...
Was it something we said?
Apparently...
Either that or it's a mob hit and we're about to blow up.
Yeah, well, get out. Get out.
What is this, like a existential cab driver.
I think he couldn't take the tension between us.
I know, maybe that was his process.
Okay, I'll give her the goddamn part!
That's all it took?
- Yeah. - She owes that cabbie ten percent.
Hello?
Sandy?
You're not kidding, are you?
Tomorrow.
10:00 A.M.
Okay! Thank you so much!
Okay, bye now.
- I got the part! - What part?
- Broadway! - Broadway?
So that's how you got the part?
That's what he told me, yeah.
- And you believed him? - Yeah!
I think... It's kind of funny,
but I really don't see how you can make a story like that up.
The same way you make up a name or cheat on your wife.
He lied to you!
I don't know if I agree with you, actually.
Because Arnold and I met under very specific circumstances.
And he didn't owe me anything.
Especially not the truth.
And he certainly didn't have to give me that part.
And he probably shouldn't have,
for all the grief that it caused him.
Now, don't yell... Let me explain.
Nope!
No. No.
No. Get out!
- I was... - No!
You are one of the most horrible people I've ever met...
No, in fact, you know what, you are the most horrible person I have ever met.
You cancel our dinner to go out with one of my sick patients.
Do you know that only tells me how sick you are!
God, I just want to shove this up your cock!
Jane, for God's sake, it all has to do with my play.
Your play?
I don't care about your play!
Your stupid little play, I don't care about you.
Just get out!
No.
- Hello? - How dare you answer your cellphone
in my office!
That's great! I'm so happy for you.
And now you're happy.
Now he's happy. You're always depressed with me. Why is that?
Why is that? Who is that?
I can't talk right now. Call me later.
Was that the crazy blond?
Or the needy father?
Jane, I must talk to you!
God, you know what? I'm so sick of both of you. Just get out!
All of you, get out!
Just get out!
Okay.
Out!
I'm sick of these tight clothes.
I've gotta get a loose-fitting suit or something.
Either that or it's liposuction.
Come on, you look great. You're fishing for compliments.
- Stop it! - Harpooning is more like it.
Hey, you two strangers, what are you doing here?
Well, I know what you're doing here.
Promotion, promotion.
- Promoting. - Hi.
This is Cece, my P.R. Lady.
Miss Simmons, would you consider doing a commercial for us?
And of course you can direct it, Mr. Simmons.
It's Albertson. Thank you.
Well, I guess I blew that one. I guess you did.
Thank you, but I don't really do commercials.
Not my thing.
Did you want to find some large clothes?
I said less tight...
Yeah, but no, the relaxed or the more looser fitting are over here.
Nice to meet you.
We'll see you, Seth.
See you later, guys.
My God.
- What's the rush? - This stuff doesn't look good,
and it's too expensive. Let's go some place nice.
Like, like Chanel or Prada.
That's bargain basement.
I feel like I'm claustrophobic, I can hardly breathe in here...
- Look! I love tweed. - Freaking me out...
I'm going to try this on.
Okay, here, come on, I'll help you. I love tweed, too.
Arnold, I don't need your help.
Are you sure? Here, let me watch.
At home, maybe you can watch me take it off.
Take it easy, cowboy.
I know, but I'm a good judge of you in tweed.
I know, but sometimes it's like...
Squirrels to the nuts!
Are you okay?
I cannot believe I'm running into you, Derek!
No, I'm not going to be quiet.
It's Margie, remember? From Chicago!
I've looked everywhere for you.
You don't understand, you've changed my life.
I went to fashion school and I'm the executive buyer here...
- Besides that... - Shut up...
You gave me the single best night I've ever had!
In bed and out.
And it's all because of you and the Squirrels To The Nuts!
Please keep your voice down!
Okay, see you later, guys.
My God, Seth Gilbert!
So, you guys friends, Arnold?
Where are you going with this, Seth?
Now you two behave yourselves, okay?
Is there anything else you need?
"Squirrels To The Nuts,"
you weasily, no good son of a bitch!
Don't you ever, ever speak to me again!
Delta, no! Delta...
Seth, wait!
I got the license plate! Easy to trace.
No, no, don't worry. I'll take care of it. I'll pay for everything.
She's my wife, she was just in a hurry.
Yes, she's a little late for a meeting and she's a little scattered-brained.
Just absent-minded.
Brad, it's okay. I know him. He's good for it. Believe me.
Okay, okay.
Tell your wife to be more careful, Bub.
I will... More careful.
Look, Derek... Arnold... Whatever your name is.
I know I was speaking too loud. I was just so excited to see you.
- It's okay... - Cash, check or charge?
So what is that girl, a hooker?
Like the one you came to Nick's with?
Could be.
Call girl. Escort.
What's the difference? They all escort you in and out of their pants.
Men!
Yeah, you're right. We're only good for one thing.
So how about some?
- I'm considering it! - I still remember London, Delta.
I haven't felt that way since.
Come on, Seth.
You know we were both too far down other roads for us to get serious.
You were. I would've switched direction in a second.
I know. You've switched a bunch of since then.
- It was different with you. - Come on...
I'm still ready, del.
This is it, Mr. Gilbert.
- What are you promoting this time? - My new cologne.
Don't tell me what it's called.
They came up with a pretty good name, actually.
"Seth's Seduction."
Great...
Mr. Gilbert, it is so wonderful to have you here!
Everybody's been dying to meet you in the flesh.
- I beg your pardon? - He's teasing you.
- Delta, keep up! Keep up! - I'm trying.
Excuse me.
Can we have your autograph?
We waited four hours in line, it'll only take you a second.
I'm trying to get to you. I'm behind here.
Okay, lady, the jig's up.
What are you... Wait! Seth! Seth!
Well, she ain't a pro. What, you came back for more?
The suit wasn't enough?
No, I didn't steal this from here.
- Where did you steal it from? - No, I didn't steal it at all.
I got into an argument with my husband at Barney's
and I walked out by accident. You should call them.
His name is Arnold Albertson, I'm sure he's paid for it by now.
Could you please put me down?
All right, lady, I'll put you down. You're an idiot.
We hear a lot of stories, but this one tops them all.
"I had an argument with my husband at Barney's
so I came over to Macy's to steal another suit."
No, you don't understand. I didn't steal this at all!
Yes. Hello?
What? Who?
The police? What are you talking about?
What, are you crazy? Yes, put her on the phone, please!
Arnold? You better get me the hell out of here
and over to my parents' apartment!
And I better get there within the next 20 minutes!
And you better make damn sure that you're out of the apartment
before I get there! And what I suggest you do
is get yourself a hotel room, buddy, and order another call girl!
Squirrels to the fucking nuts!
The unicorn, you see, was a kind of symbol of women.
And this comes from a period when women were treated like Chattel.
Like Cattle?
No, Chattel.
It basically means they were whatever men wanted them to be.
You mean, like now a lot?
Yeah, I guess.
Part of that's why I wrote the play.
You know, in really ancient times, the prostitute was a sacred profession.
When was this?
Well, before spirituality and sexuality were split apart.
They really shouldn't be.
Yeah.
You're a real romantic guy, aren't you?
I guess Josh saw something in me.
And it wasn't really like Arnold.
You know, with Arnold, the money was as much for him as it was for me.
But with Josh, I think he was the first person who ever believed in me.
So, of course, cue somebody from my past
who's going to show up and ruin the whole damn picture.
Why are you breaking my heart?
Don't you understand you're breaking my heart,
Izzy... Glo... Whatever your name is.
- Judges have feelings, too. - Mister!
I don't think we're in exactly the best place to have this conversation.
So I suggest you turn around and go right back where you came from.
And I suggest that you shut your trap!
I am talking to the lady...
The lady of the night over here who broke my heart.
I call Vickie's escort service and the next day...
- Josh, what are you doing? - Dad?
He's an old man.
- Yeah, a dirty old man! - That is irrelevant.
Okay, okay. Dirty sometimes, but not old!
For God's sake, Joshua, do you realize what you're getting yourself into?
This lady had a night with your director!
A perfectly romantic one, I should say.
Isabella! Wait!
Isabella!
It must have been really hard for you, Josh finding out like that.
Double team him now, he's got three seconds to get out of...
Where ya been honey? The phone's been ringing off the hook for you!
All day long! That's too many calls!
- That Joshua... Sandy and Alfred... - Again.
What now?
A Derek.
Hello?
Izzy, it's Arnold. I need to see you right away.
Can you come over to the barclay, same room. 1369.
I'll explain everything. Just meet me here.
I don't know if I can do that.
What do you mean you don't know if you can do that?
We gotta rehearse! Just, just, just get over here.
Now, they're all five in the ring...
Okay.
Hello, Vickie, this is Dr. Do...
Yeah. Yeah, tonight.
The barclay. 8:00 P.M. Under the usual name.
You remember that girl, Glo stick?
Anyone like that?
Right this way, sir.
Thank you, son.
- Hello? - Seth O'Malley?
I'm just confirming she's on her way.
She'll be there in half an hour.
Great, thanks. I'm in a different room.
Yeah, I know. You told me...
Hang on a minute. I want a description.
Okay.
- Yes? - Seth?
How about now?
- Delta? - No, the Queen of Sheba.
Okay, hang on, Sheba. I'm just on the other line. Long distance, okay?
- Vickie? - She's tall and blond and...
Stop her! I can't see her right now.
Stop her? I can't stop her. She's in transit.
- Has she got a cellphone? - Yeah.
Well, call her and tell her to go on to her next appointment.
I'll call you later maybe.
Well I'll try, but her cellphone hasn't been working so well.
Okay, call her and then call me back.
Okay.
- Hey. - Yes?
Well, come on over.
Where are you, at your parents'? I'm in 1328.
- Yes, I'll be right there. - See you soon.
Sorry...
It's okay.
Did you not get the call?
You call me.
No. Vickie. She called to tell you to go to your next appointment.
I'm busy now.
Busy? Okay.
It's okay, I will wait for here.
No, no, no, no. Another lady is coming now.
- Yes. - Yes?
- Who I happen to love. - Yes.
Do you understand?
My English is not so fast.
God.
Vickie, she tell me come here.
Room 1-3-2-8.
- Yes? - Yeah.
You don't understand.
I call Vickie.
- Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no... - Yes.
Wait, don't do that. You need to go.
Yes. It's ringing.
Jesus Christ...
It's all very confusing.
And it's... Confusing.
Very.
- You know, Josh knows about us now. - He does?
So does Seth.
Yeah, well... I figured that.
All that's left is Delta...
You mean I should stay in the play?
Are you kidding? Of course. Why not?
We're professionals.
No, Kandi, you have to go back down to the lobby now
and make your call there, okay?
No, Vickie, she tell me, "hang on".
I hang.
Shit!
- Who is it? - It's me, Sethy.
- Delta! - Yes.
Just a second! Pants!
Bathroom! Get in the bathroom!
I call Vickie.
You get in there now.
Okay...
How many women do you think he's done this with? Why does he do this?
What is it all about? Do you have any idea what's going on?
What is this whole "changed my life" business? What is the...
What are you talking about?
I thought you wanted to talk about us.
Go back by the Serpentine and Hyde Park and...
Just hold me for a moment, will you?
Come here.
I still got it for you, Del.
Darling,
let me use your bathroom.
My what?
Your bathroom... My bathroom!
Well, the, the, the toilet's broken.
I need to call them again.
I don't need to use your toilet.
You don't need to use my toilet.
No, I don't need to use your toilet.
Well, then I guess if you don't need to use the toilet...
Please, stop saying toilet!
You are weird.
Hello, Kandi? Kandi?
Kandi, is that you? I put you on hold, are you there?
Delta... Delta, darling, listen, it's not what you think.
Delta!
Delta! Delta!
1329, it should be right next door to where you are.
Okay, thanks Vickie.
Delta, it was a misunderstanding.
She wasn't supposed to come to my room.
Come on, Seth. You can do better than that.
Why would I have you come over with her? It doesn't make any sense!
The girl needed to use the bathroom... She got scared. I don't know!
Lady, it's my fault.
I supposed to go 1-3-2-9.
Wrong room. Thanks for bathtub, mister.
- You see? I told you. - I still don't believe you.
You love your hookers, too. Just like my husband.
No, it's because I can't have you. He has you.
Nobody has me.
Good night.
Yes. Arnold Albertson's room, please?
Hello?
Who? Arnold? Yes, this is me.
Who is this?
Delta! No, no...
Delta, darling. Where, where, where are you?
Downstairs? What are you doing here?
I thought... No, no, no. Yes, I'm happy to hear from you.
You know, the last time I spoke to you you were in jail, and...
Yes, come right up.
My God...
Why'd you tell her to come up here?
We're in a code red, do you understand what that means?
We have a tornado coming up the elevator
and it's about to touch down here.
Now you've got to go. We're gonna put you...
Jesus, that's the fastest elevator I've ever seen!
Bathroom!
- I think I'm gonna throw up. - Do it quietly.
- Hi, honey. - Arnold, how long have you been doing this?
- Doing what? - Doing what you've been doing.
Obviously, you've done it more than once.
This whole "Squirrels To The Nuts" thing
is obviously your own special little bit.
I thought it was just ours, Arnold.
Something you said to help me get through a difficult time in my career.
Evidently you've been using it as some kind of seduction,
a kind of lure, a kind of a general serenade for whoever wants to listen.
Delta, darling, it's more complicated...
Than meets the eye, yes, I'm sure. Well please, tell me. What is it?
Research for some wonderful new play you're planning?
Some new film, perhaps?
Well, in a way, yes. I'm touched by women's stories.
Apparently!
No, it's... I'm sort of a feminist...
Yeah, sure.
That's not the right word, but kind of a mental aware...
Odd perfume you're wearing, Arnold.
Had a little "Squirrels To The Nuts" up here lately?
What are you talking about? No! I...
I don't believe this.
Twice in a night?
Delta. Delta. Delta, don't open the door.
Delta, it's not what you think it is.
He's right, you know. It... It's really not.
Okay, you know what? This is the Topper!
And now comes my exit.
Out of the room,
out of the hotel,
out of this play,
out of my life!
Good luck to you both!
Delta, stop! Wait!
Delta! Delta!
I don't wanna hear anything more! Ever!
It's not what it looks like!
Well, it's not exactly first time I've seen Izzy leave Arnold's room,
- to be honest, sorry. - How interesting.
It seems that everybody in the entire world knew what was going on
except for me.
- Stupid, stupid me. - You're not stupid.
So glad you boys stick together in a time of crisis.
Seth, what are you even doing here? You're always lurking.
Just loitering there, with your scarves and your little dog.
Just stay out of it!
You're the lunatic, chasing dames with a wife like this.
It seems all men like chasing dames, Seth.
No, miss Simmons, he was just trying to help.
You know, he changed my life. He gave me $30,000
and today I got my first apartment.
- He what? - Thirty thousand dollars? U.S.?
- Yeah. - I can't handle any more!
For one night? You must be good.
No, no, no, you don't understand...
I was trying...
You happy?
Where do you get the right to be so judgmental!
Listen, mate! You don't want to fight me, I'll kick the shit out of you!
- Trained on the streets of London! - Really?
Is that the same London where you seduced my wife, seven years ago?
Nothing of the sort at all. She loved you!
Not that I can see why or how!
Why? Maybe because I'm a good guy and I like...
- Who likes hookers! - Yeah. Checkmate!
Because I'm not perfect, okay? Neither are you!
Jesus Christ, this is a waste of time. It's a waste of time!
I'm going to go to sleep now, okay?
Tired! Tired!
All I can say is that in the morning
it's going to be a distinct pleasure working with you, Arnold.
- Yeah. Your room's over here! - I knew that!
There were those nights when you get home
and there's no one to call.
And there's no vodka left to drink.
And you got nothing on TV apart from those stupid infomercials.
And you're stuck with yourself.
And that's what they mean when they say the word terror.
Because all I wanted was to be wrapped up in somebody's arms.
Anybody's arms.
Even a stranger's.
I hate... I hate being alone.
But when I am, I look into the mirror
and I tell myself something that Audrey Hepburn once said...
"I believe in pink.
"I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner.
"I believe in kissing.
"Kissing a lot.
"I believe in being strong
"even when everything around you seems to be going wrong.
"I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
"And I believe that tomorrow is another day.
And I believe in miracles!"
I believe in miracles.
You know, that...
That works every single time.
Hey, Isabella. Thank God.
I was trying to call you all night last night, you didn't pick up your phone.
I didn't really know what to do.
You know, I figured I'd just show up.
- Morning Josh. Izzy. - Hey.
- How did you sleep, darling? - Not good.
Don't let it get ya down!
Okay, let's start right in. We don't want to waste any time today.
Is everybody here?
Yeah, everybody but Delta.
Well, then, everybody's not here!
What do you mean, "Yeah, everybody but Delta?"
You mean, "Everybody but Delta", you leave out the "Yeah."
Everybody's here but Delta, sir.
Okay, don't call me sir, Sandy.
All right, we're going to start without her.
Let's just sit down and have a table-read.
Good morning, everybody!
I assume we're starting with a reading.
Yes, that's what I was just saying.
- I thought maybe we'd just sit down... - Fine!
Let me just say something here before we get started.
Look, we're all professionals here.
Which isn't to say that we don't have problems in our private lives
from time to time. Of course we do.
But what makes us professionals is that we don't let those problems
slop over into our work.
And we can't talk about them in any way, shape or form.
Use it for your performance, let it fuel that,
But don't let it distract you from our purpose here.
Which is, of course, that old show business cliche,
which I happen to really believe in.
The show must go on and it will!
- We owe it to the public. - Fine!
I agree with you absolutely,
but I'd just as soon not read the play.
I would like to begin with act 1 scene 1,
between Seth's character and mine. I'd like to get it up right away.
- Wait, I beg your pardon? - On its feet.
Okay...
Yeah, well, I think that we should read the entire play first...
Well, considering the situation,
which of course we're not going to speak about,
I think we ought to just help the actors get through this,
like getting to the end of a long, dark tunnel,
rather than try to follow some accepted directorial rules.
I'd like to think you're bigger than that as a director.
Anybody have a problem with this? Seth? Izzy?
- Anybody? - Nope.
- No, not me. - Great!
Okay we'll start with scene 1. Only Seth and Delta are needed.
The rest of us can watch from the orchestra.
Would you bring out the bedroom with the couch and the two chairs?
All right, the curtain rises.
It's hal finnegan's hotel suite.
Delta, whenever you're ready...
Well, I don't have the first line. But if I did I would begin.
All right.
"Well, you refuse to understand what I'm saying, so what can I say?
I'm sorry, I guess."
"That's okay, I'm used to it.
You always yell when you don't know what you're talking about."
"I know what I'm talking about, you don't want to hear it.
It's a real female thing."
"When you don't want to hear something, you just don't hear it."
"Well, it's very hard for me to understand
"how you can sleep with other women and then sleep with me
and tell me it doesn't mean anything."
- "Well, it's true." - "So you're saying
"that the time you spend with other women
"doesn't exist any more in your brain.
It isn't some sort of pleasant memory?"
"No, I didn't say that."
- "Well, then..." - "Well, then what?"
"How can I not think about what you're thinking about
"when you're making love to me?
"How do I know you're with me and not with some other woman
"you made love to some other time?
"Therefore we're not in sync?
Because I might be thinking about some guy, too, right?"
"I don't know how we got here.
"All I said was, 'why don't we go to a vegetarian restaurant.'
"And this had to happen."
"Give me that."
- "No, you quit." - "So did you."
"Well, just because I'm breaking my thing, doesn't mean I..."
"What... I can't have a puff on your cigarette?"
- "I didn't say that." - "Well, then, give it to me."
"No, I feel bad now for smoking.
'Cause it's like I'm breaking your thing..."
"I have an independent mind. I want a fucking puff on the cigarette! Now!"
- "Okay, here." - "Thank you."
Ring-Ring! Ring-Ring!
"Why don't you answer it?
"It's probably one of your friends.
"None of my friends can ever get through."
"Answer it yourself. I've no interest in talking to anybody right now."
"I'm getting kinda hungry...
"What do you want to do?"
"I want you to come over here and kiss me."
"Any particular way?"
"Blindfolded with my legs crossed."
"How about blindfolded with your legs apart?"
I'm not sure about that line, Josh. What do you think?
Just read the fucking script, Seth.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
We'll get to your dumb actor questions later.
Just read it, Seth.
"How about blindfolded with your legs apart?"
"Just shut up and kiss me."
"He, he, he leans in and gives her a long kiss."
Okay...
All right, okay. I got it!
Hey, that's it! Cut!
What is this, caligula? I'm suppose to sit here and watch this?
Sorry, I got really into it.
Come on, that's it. We're going to take ten.
She's good.
- Shep! What's going on? - Heel!
Heel.
What are you doing here? Where's Jane?
What? Wilba!
- Wilba, come back! - What the hell is going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on here.
You hired that hooker because she turns good tricks.
Well, would you like some good tricks?
'Cause I got a bag full of them. Who wants to go first?
I've got tricks on all of you!
Jane, this is very inappropriate and unprofessional!
I don't give a shit what you think!
Who do you think you are, Hemingway?
Miss Jane Claremont,
you have absolutely no right to be talking about your patients
in any way, shape or form!
And you are?
Dad! What are you doing in that outfit?
- My goodness. - That's your father?
The man who calls you constantly... Is a rabbi?
Come on, we're in the middle of a God damn rehearsal!
- Yeah. - Well, from what I've just observed,
I think you might be in the middle of losing your wife!
Who is this person?
Who is she, Arnold?
I have no idea!
She's my ex-girlfriend, Arnold.
I am the person that knows what's going on here
and I'm fed up with it.
This woman has been hired to sleep with a number of people in this room.
Two that I know of, by now probably three?
Really?
Then I'm going to beat the shit out of anybody
who paid to sleep with my daughter.
Who was it?
It was him.
- Him... And him. - That's a lie!
A bullet can kill, but a punch can change things for the living.
I'll give you spoilers.
John Wayne and Randolph Scott tore
apart a bar fighting for Marlene Dietrich.
John Wayne won, of course, and they lived happily ever after.
We never did it.
Stop it, Al, just stop it! What the hell do you think you're doing?
This is all just a play!
And who... Who is this?
My father tore a hole in the sky.
Everyone felt a release.
Slow down, sir.
You can't just come in here and ruin everything I'm doing, dad.
What is going on?
Don't come towards me!
Don't come, I'll blow this whistle again!
If you don't let go of your past, it'll strangle your future.
What is... Give me those!
Those are not playthings.
No, they're rubbers.
It's not nice to say rubbers, darling.
- No, they're condoms. - No, they're rubbers.
Wonderful plays your father directs...
No, they're condoms.
I'm going to live my life!
So long!
What? What?
There's our baby!
- Our baby! - Hey! She's mine.
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
So the plays' reviews were that good?
I thought it closed in a week?
Yeah...
I mean, the problem is, Long Island house wives,
they don't want to spend their big night out in the company of call girls.
They want dancing lions.
They want singing mormons, you know.
They go to the theater to escape.
It's ironic, isn't it?
But there was still a sprinkle of magic waiting for me.
There was this guy in the audience, sat behind my mother,
and he owned a movie studio.
And the rest is history.
Yeah, well, I was really lucky.
Is that what caused you and Josh to split up?
Your success?
Well, you know, I just feel like some things in life
aren't meant to last forever.
Hey, Seth!
- Hey, Vickie. - Sorry we're late.
- That's okay. - Who's that?
Why is she here? Who are all those women?
Did you invite them? Is this an activist group?
You could say that.
- Dear God, no! Get down! - What?
- My feet are killing me. - My God...
- Squirrels to the nuts! - No, no, no...
That's the guy I always talked to you about!
- I thought that was the end. - It is!
You have no idea... You have no idea! You changed my life!
I looked for every Michael Harrington in the world, practically.
I took that money and parlayed it into the best escort service in town, honey.
How do you like them apples?
Great to see you!
Bye, I'll catch you later.
That's the end.
And Arnold?
Well, I haven't seen him.
Last I heard he was working for some sort of non-profit organization
making very large, anonymous donations to women's charities.
And then Delta, she fell for a new guy.
Some sort of rocket scientist. You know, she's over the moon about that.
And then my therapist... I think she's still with Seth Gilbert.
You know, the red bees. So...
Yeah, it all wrapped up real nice.
You know, sort of just like a movie.
What about you? Is there a person in your life?
Well, let's just say I got a mentor...
He's actually a lot of the reason why I'm telling you all this.
He's very into saying it how it is.
He says that this town loves an actress with a past
and he's sure right about that.
Well, it sounds like you've found your place.
Wherever you are, that's your happy place.
Squirrels to the nuts, and all of that.
You're quoting cluny brown now?
What?
That "Squirrels To The Nuts" line, it's from Lubitsch's Cluny Brown.
- Hey, darling. - Hey.
It's what Charles Boyer says to Jennifer Jones
just before they fall in love.
You mean to tell me after all that, it's not even original?
What's original?
Honey, if we're going to get to the Sonny Chiba triple feature
we need to leave right now.
He's a kung-fu actor.
He's the only guy on the planet who loves movies more than I do.
Yep. True! But you know a lot.
That's very interesting,
you don't seem to be inhibited.
Try to be more specific,
what made you think that you were out of place?
I didn't think I was.
It's Uncle Arn. He's always telling me,
"Cluny Brown, you don't know your place."
Nobody can tell you where your place is.
Where is my place? Where is anybody's place?
I'll tell you where it is.
Wherever you're happy, that's your place.
And happiness is a matter of purely personal adjustment
to your environment.
In Hyde Park, for instance.
Some people like to feed nuts to the squirrels.
But if it makes you happy to feed Squirrels To The Nuts,
who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?
What did you do? Schmuck!
Thank you, Elliot.
All you could come up with
was this weak borscht about professional ethics
because you are worried about how this thug will handle rejection.
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