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[Desmond] In every group of friends, there's always one guy
who can best be described as the inappropriate one.
I call that guy a Barry.
A Barry says and does things other people only think.
And he does not know the word propriety.
There are all kinds of Barrys.
Old Barrys...
young Barrys...
and Barrys all over the world.
And that's me and my three best friends when we were ten.
The one on the end, that's our Barry.
His name is Barry.
Growing up we thought Barry was hilarious.
He played pranks on girls,
he infuriated teachers
and we loved him for it.
But, as we've gotten older,
and started having careers, wives, and families,
he's become an embarrassment,
a detriment to our livelihoods and reputations,
a social wrecking ball.
I believe friendship has no limits.
At least I did... until Barry went too far.
[punk music ♪]
♪ ♪
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He never, um, passed up a opportunity
to appreciate a moment.
My, uh, dad had so many great qualities.
Um... he was loyal.
He always put others before himself.
He made an indelible impression on- on everyone:
my mom, my son JT, and myself.
Especially during that tough time after my wife passed away.
So for all these reasons and uh...
really too many more to count...
I'll miss you, Dad.
Thank you so much, Rafe.
Does anyone else have any remembrances
they'd like to honor the deceased with?
Just a simple anecdote or memory to honor him by?
Really?
Oh, I should say something.
Hm? - I should say something.
No you should not. - Yes, I should.
Rafe's dad is not getting the tribute he deserves.
We gotta celebrate the man's life.
I think it's fine. It's fine.
Next time, man.
Next time?
[clears throat]
Barry. - Anyone?
[clears throat loudly]
Sir?
Barry, have you thought about what you're gonna say?
Yeah, for years.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, shh. - No, no.
Thank you.
I don't--
Hi, ev- hi- whoa... [microphone feeds back]
it's louder than I thought.
My name, for those of you who don't know me,
is, uh, Barry Burke.
And, uh, I been friends with Rafe, Kurt, and Desmond
since we all went to camp together in the fifth grade.
It was the best time of my life.
Our motto back then was, "Pals forever,"
and it still is today.
As a matter of fact, the first time I met Rafe
he proved to me what a great pal he was
by pulling Suzy Henchey off me
when she tried to choke me for kissing her.
Do you remember that?
Her, uh, her reaction pretty much set the trend
for my present romantic life.
It is not good.
[chuckling]
Uh, the point- the point is, um,
I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about his dad,
because he was such a special guy to-to all of us.
I remember the time in sixth grade when he-
he came to our school and snuck us out of PE.
Took us to our first porno flick.
I'll never forget that.
Kurt, you popped in your pants right there in the theater.
Kurt the Squirt, that's where that nickname came from.
That's interesting.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Jeez, Louise, that is a lot of semen
for a ten-year old." [chuckles]
I remember- I remember we all had to clean it up.
Didn't happen.
Talk about leaving an indelible mark.
[laughs] I'll never forget that one.
I think maybe you should--
Yeah, yeah, and I remember this other time
in the seventh grade
when he taught us how to smoke the weed.
No, no, no.
Remember that?
Yeah, he taught us how to roll it,
puff it, pass it.
He taught us how to smoke weed!
You- you got us so blazed, dude.
You got us so blazed, you just- come here.
Sir- - Oh my God!
Photo-op, hang on, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not supposed to touch the body...
And- and although he may have had some honey on the side,
he loved you, Mrs. Griggs, he loved you,
and I don't think there is a single solitary soul
in this building who doesn't know that.
Now, I could go on, and on, and on about this...
...fella, but I won't.
We're gonna raise a glass for you tonight, Mr. Griggs,
'cause we all know how much you like to get your drink on.
[imitates tap noise] Boom.
Hope they serve up there in heaven.
All right, peace, Space Cowboy.
[organ music ♪]
Why do you push me?
Thank you, Mr. Burke.
That was...
Um, if we could all just move to the reception area,
um, very quickly, just because I- we--
Come on.
What were you thinking Barry?
I thought everybody knew, obviously.
No one knew, least of all my mom.
It sounded do good in my head, Rafe.
It sounded so regal. - Regal?
Everyone probably suspected it.
What does that mean? - Uh, Barry--
Wha- it means that everyone knows you're too busy
chasing around random skanks to spend any time with your son.
That is so not true.
Dad?
Hey, buddy. You okay?
Are you sad 'cause- 'cause Grandpa died?
I know, buddy. It's, um, it's sad.
It's really just sad, but, uh...
...do you know what?
Just think of the good times and stuff.
Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
Hi, Uncle Barry.
Not doin' to good, huh?
No, me neither.
Do you remember how you and your grandpa
used to get ice cream every Sunday?
Yeah. Uh-huh. - Yeah?
Do you want to honor him? - Yeah!
Well hot dog! Let's honor the man!
What are we doin' sitting here?
Meet me over at the dessert tray in two minutes.
We'll see who can scarf back
three chocolate chip cookies faster.
My money's on me, Short Stack. All right?
Oh, and then- and then-
and then we're gonna put some crumbs in Uncle Dan's jacket
because Uncle Dan is a you know what.
Scrotum. - Total scrote-bag.
Now go ahead and swing outta here, you little monkey.
Wow, man, he really loves you, Barry.
Yeah, you just gotta make it fun, man, you know?
It's not that hard.
Rafe, you know, you should go with him.
Yeah, I should. I'll do that.
Uh, later.
Excuse me. I never got a chance to thank you.
You run a lovely funeral, and-
You guys are giving me shit?
He's trying to get laid at his dad's funeral.
[phone vibrates] Oh.
It's about the pitch. I gotta take it.
Let's go. My feet are killing me.
Okay, well, maybe just one moment longer,
you know, for Rafe,
because it's a big day for him.
Well, it's not like we can do anything for him.
His dad's already dead.
I just- I'll give you another foot massage.
Whatevs. Just find me when you're ready.
Alright, I love you--
Oh.
You gotta break up with her, man.
What?
You gotta break up with her.
Are you on drugs? - No.
She walks all over you.
You- you- you- you're just too blind to see it
because you're in shock that she talks to you,
let alone actually dates you.
Okay, n- news flash, uh,
Desmond and Rafe love her.
No they don't. - Yeah, they do.
No, they don't like her either.
They're just too afraid to tell you.
You deserve better than her. She's mean.
She's manipulating you with that kiss.
Don't you see that? I mean, yeah...
any guy would gladly get up to his nuts in her guts, okay?
That's not in dispute here, okay?
he problem is she's a twunt.
It's a new term I'm using.
It's a combo of two words. Guess which two.
Twitter? - Twat and cunt.
Ah!
Yeah. Would you prefer cwat?
The terms are interchangeable.
She's not a twunt or a cwat. - She's both.
No.
She's the one.
[laughing]
Oh, oh...
...oh...
I did it again, didn't I? - Yeah.
I'm kidding- I was kidding about her being a twunt, man.
And about her looking like an eastern European porn star.
You didn't say anything about her looking like an eastern European porn star.
Oh, not around you, no.
Okay, you look like... a western European porn star.
That's what I'm shooting for.
You're the cwunt now, dawg.
What?
Peace.
Cwunt's not even a word, Kurt!
Hey JT.
Let's get to those cookies, huh?
Oh, man, I feel so bad about what I did to Rafe.
It's the only thing I can think about.
Man, you work with a lot of pretty ladies, don't you?
Barry, look, I know you need somebody to talk to right now,
but you can't just drop by my office
whenever you feel like it, okay?
Yeah, yeah, uh... - This is an important time.
We're in the last run of this pitch.
I'm up for creative director.
Are you listening?
Yeah. - Well then--
Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah.
Who is the cutey-pie?
Yeah, that's the, uh,
that's the account planner I was telling you about.
That's her?
I'd hate being around that all day.
You'd get horny enough to go home and screw your wife
every once in a while.
Excuse me, but Rach and I have plenty of sex.
Oh, you do? I-I didn't know that.
When was the last time you had intercourse?
Um...
My point exactly, Desmond.
Can I- Can I be totally blunt with you for a sec?
Can you not be blunt? - I don't think so.
I tried one time. I had a migraine for three days.
Your marriage is not your only problem, okay?
Whatever happened to high school Desmond?
He was fun!
He, like, smoked pot every once in a while,
play the keys, hang out.
Now you're like this unrecognizable workaholic robot.
You won't even go out for lunch with me.
[sighs] Fine.
We'll get lunch, okay?
Just let me finish these storyboards.
Oh, yeah, of course. All about the work.
Because if we land this account, dude,
it'll be a total game-changer, you know what I mean?
Barry?
[chewing loudly]
Good morning.
Oh, come on. Oh my God.
Oh.
That is a bad combo. - What's that?
Lox and sausages... loxages.
Yeah, that's a lot of meat.
Yeah, don't do it. - No.
How do you get any work done around here?
Half way to Bonerville. [laughs]
Where's Bonerville?
In my pants. I'm fighting a semi right now.
A semi? - Semi hard on.
I'm half mast from looking at all this talent around here.
Yeah, well advertising does attract
a lot of good-looking women, so.
Do you work here?
Actually, I, uh, I own the agency.
What?! - Yeah.
Nice moves, man.
Oh, look at that. It's boner o'clock.
Barry, what are you doing? Bill, I'm sorry.
No, no, he- he's cracking' me up.
Yeah. - What?
Yes. I was cracking him up.
Just telling him about how these women here
are giving me a Woodrow Wilson.
Especially that cute brunette account planner he pointed out.
So, uh, Bill, the pitch is going great.
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, go ahead.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Looka-looka-looka, there she is right there.
What are you- that one! Her!
Desmond was telling me that back when he used to
actually have sex with his wife,
he used to imagine her instead.
She was his closer, you know what I mean?
And Bill, don't lie to me.
I know you've done the exact same thing.
I bet you I haven't.
Why, because you got ED?
No...
because she's my daughter.
[coughing]
You made her?
Mm-hmm.
Des, I'm- I'm- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Seven years I put in here, Barry!
I know, listen, I- I- I don't want you to sweat it, okay?
I'm gonna go back in and I'm gonna talk to your boss.
I'm gonna sort the whole thing out.
Don't! You've done enough.
[rock music ♪]
♪ ♪
Des, I need a ride! - Fuck you!
[car door slams]
Ah, yeah.
Kurt, it's Barry, I, uh...
I feel terrible.
Um, I got Desmond fired today and I- I'm outside your house.
I really need to talk to somebody.
So, uh, I'm just gonna wait here for you, all right?
Um...
...actually I- I remember where you keep your key.
I think I'm just gonna let myself in.
So, um, I- I'll see you when you get here.
Okay, thanks, Bud.
[dog barking in the distance]
Yes.
[romantic music playing ♪]
♪ ♪
What?
Okay.
What is this?
[Kurt] That was fun. [Camille] Mm-hmm.
[Kurt] You look so pretty tonight.
[Camille] Oh, you keep saying that.
Well it's true, you do!
Oh! [chuckles]
I got it. Mmm.
Thanks.
That was a really good restaurant, huh?
Eh.
What? It's rated one of the best in the city.
Really? It didn't seem like it.
Well, it is.
Why are you being so sweet tonight?
'Cause I have a surprise for you.
What kind of surprise? - You'll see.
[panting]
Oh! - Oh!
Oh! Ah!
This is not the surprise I was talking about.
I'm really sorry about this.
No.
[Camille gagging]
I'm not gonna lie...
...this is exactly what it looks like.
Okay, put it away.
Okay. - Whoa.
You know what, guys? I- I am sorry.
Bring it on in for a hug? - Uh-uh.
Go.
No, no, you can't hug me, no!
Oh!
You mean he still had a-- - Boner!
Oh! - A raging boner.
So it was less of a hug and more of a dry hump.
He was practically inside of her, for crying out loud.
So she dumped me, naturally.
She said if I'm still friends with Barry,
I'm practically as juvenile as he is.
Sorry, bud.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Guys, I know we've been friends with Barry
since before we hit puberty, but, um...
I'm over it.
I am over it.
I mean the dude's heart's in the right place,
but, let's face it, man, he is a menace.
I mean when we were kids it was great,
yeah, it was fun.
We're adults now.
We're trying to have families
and careers and relationships, Kurt,
and Barry's making that impossible.
It's his Barryisms. - What are you sayin'?
I'm saying that we'll always love the guy,
but... we cannot live with him anymore.
Yeah, but I mean...
Barry's always there for us.
Yeah, that's the problem.
He's always there screwing everything up.
He's a real ragamuffin.
What if we were to get rid of him?
[clears throat] Okay...
I think I get what you're saying.
I just wanna clarify something.
I can't kill someone.
I can't. But I wanna help.
I'll dig the...
I'll dig it. I don't want to, but I'll do it.
We're not talking about murdering him, Hurt.
That's not on the table. - I knew that.
Everyone was- was hashing it- it out.
So what, do you want to disown him?
No, no, that wouldn't work.
He'd just keep coming back like a zombie or something.
So, like an intervention?
No. He'd relapse.
No, dude, this- this- this requires something
far more stealthy,
I'm talking about making someone else...
...deal with him.
Okay. All right.
So we, uh, we hire someone else to whack him.
That way we're not even connected to the murder.
We're gettin' away hands clean.
We go down to Mexico, chill out,
drinkin', smokin' weed.
I maybe get addicted to heroin, but that's cool.
I'm not talking about whacking him, Ray Liotta.
[scoffs]
Obviously.
See, what we need isn't someone who can put up with Barry,
what we need is someone who has to put up with Barry.
The type of person who has to put up with
a never-ending stream of infantile behavior
twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week for their entire life.
A therapist?
A wife. - Wife. - A wife!
Yeah, pop-pop-pop! [makes explosion sound]
Yeah! - Yeah!
You were locked in a closet as a kid.
I mean he's always talkin' about he wants to meet someone
anyway, right?
We'd just be doing him a favor.
I like it.
Scratch that, I love it.
I don't know, guys. I mean, I need him.
What are you talking' about, Rafe?
I mean he babysits JT every Saturday night.
That's my prime date night.
In fact, he's with him right now
so I can go meet the funeral director at nine.
Yes, that's happening.
Hand over fist. - Don't catch it.
It's hand over fist. - No, make a fist.
I don't like that. - Yeah.
Lemme ask you a question, Rafe.
When, um Barry's babysitting JT
what exactly do they do?
I don't know. They have a blast, though.
They play video games, watch movies.
Well, uh, looks like Barry just posted
what they're actually doing.
Okay, kid, throw, throw, throw, throw.
Go! Run, run, run, run, run, run!
[explosion] [JT] Holy shit!
Let's marry off this fucker.
Why are you guys so keen on finding me a girlfriend
all of a sudden?
Pals forever, remember? - Yeah.
Just want you to be happy.
Yeah, man, plus you're such a catch
it's a total mystery how you're still single.
It's true. - No, I don't know about that.
Listen, guys, I promise you,
I'm gonna put my best foot forward today, okay?
Cool, man.
Bring on the vagina. Huh! Huh!
All right.
[bell rings]
[man] Okay everyone, let's have a seat!
Hi. Hi, I'm Leslie.
Hi, I'm Barry. - Hi.
[laughing] Hi.
Next!
Excuse me? - Next.
Barry, that's not how speed dating works.
I'm not feelin' it with her.
Are you kidding me? Is he kidding me?
Listen, no matter what you're feeling--
I'm not feeling anything. That's the problem.
You're- you're beautiful, we're just, you know,
we don't have... it.
You have to wait until they ring the bell.
The bell? I gotta talk to her for the whole five minutes?
Yeah.
I'm sitting across from you.
I hear the words coming out of your mouth.
Look, if it's any consolation, he's always like this.
Yeah. - Nice shirt.
Do not- hey!
Do not make fun of my friends.
Fuck you! - What? I--
What did I do? I have to live with this!
[sighs] Quite the mouth on her.
She's got some anger issues.
Barry, Barry. Listen to me very carefully, all right?
When you meet these women, whatever comes to your mind...
Yeah? - ...say the opposite.
Got it.
Ah, yeah, backwards town. Got it.
Yeah, yeah, that looks super real.
That shirt does not give off the impression
that you own several stray dogs.
[ding]
Jesus Christ! You scared the shit outta me.
I mean, uh...
You do not look like a cutter at all.
It's even harder than we thought.
It's time to bring out the big guns.
So, Mister Goker,
how does this exactly, um, work?
Well, the brides obviously don't come in the mail,
but, uh, they do come in a very small crate on a boat,
and we, of course, make sure to poke the holes in the box
so they can breathe.
Keep it human.
Oh...
I'm kidding! [all laughing]
We don't put 'em in a box!
What are we, monsters? No!
Just a very small, dangerous boat.
So I guess you're the man with all the bitches.
Okay... bitch?
Okay, I gotta ask you guys a question right now.
Do you, uh...
...do you guys hate women?
No, I love women.
Because I don't sell women
to men who hate women.
We do not sell bitches!
If we did,
it'd be called Goker's Mail Order Bitches!
Not Goker's Mail Order Brides!
Okay?
Uh, yeah, it was- it was just a slang term, you know.
I'm just gonna put it out there.
Um, I'm not- I'm not- I'm not actually looking,
is that okay?
Yeah.
I am not looking to marry anybody,
maybe just a girlfriend.
Unless she's like super, super-duper cool,
then maybe.
Look, let me make something very clear here, all right?
Here at Goker's we are not just about business.
First and foremost, we are about love,
passion, romance, fucking, okay?
Hot fuck action at a really reasonable price.
Hot flippin' and flappin'
smackin' ass cracks together, all right?
You ever- you ever slam your ass crack
against a women's ass crack?
It rivals penetration, guys.
I know you don't believe me,
but you're gonna be able to try it with one of these women
and find me right.
So, just to be clear, here, on your old, uh, application.
Now your name is Barry Burke, your favorite food is fried,
your favorite book is the novelization
of the Bill Murray classic "Stripes,"
it's one of my favorite books.
I did not care for the movie.
And you live off a settlement you got from the city
for walking into an exposed manhole.
Yeah, I actually, I removed that manhole cover myself
and then intentionally walked into said manhole,
but that is- that is neither here nor there.
Oh, no, no, that is both here and there, my friend.
That is genius. - I'm a geniu--
Can you say that to them, please?
All right, Barry...
Prepare to meet...
the new love of your life...
Juanita.
Oh, wow. - Wow.
Oh my God, she's beautiful.
Schwing!
Her village has been completely ravaged by disease,
flood, famine, and rebels,
so she is very open to meeting
gentlemanly, successful American men.
Okay, well how about a not-so-gentlemanly,
not-so-successful American man?
Are you kidding me?
She'd marry a raccoon with an extended asshole
if it got her out of her fucking village.
She's gonna love you, man.
[chuckles]
So, how was your plane flight?
Oh, uh, da plane.
Da plane? Bzzzzzz.
Whoosh.
[speaks Spanish]
Muy bueno? Good. Good, good, good.
That's good.
Probably not a lot of planes where you come from, huh?
Is there not a lot of planes where you come from?
Cars either? Probably not a lot of cars.
What do you- what do you use to get around, a donkey?
Do you ride a donkey?
Yeah, a donkey's probably safer anyway, you know,
because I bet you like to throw back the cervezas.
Mmm, cervezas.
Cervezas, yeah.
Tequila! [chuckles]
[speaking Spanish]
I was hoping that we could make it a little physical
because I notice you carry a...
formidable amount of junk in your trunk.
Junk in trunk?
Face it, guys, it's over.
We'll never find him a wife.
Let's go. I wanna meet up with that funeral director, anyway.
So, you work at the parks department?
Yeah, I am director of events.
Wow. - Yeah.
What a cool job. - It is. It's really cool.
We do concerts and Shakespeare in the Park.
I go to that. - You do?
I love that.
Oh. I- I have to work a lot of weekend nights,
but it's fine.
I love it, so, yeah.
I don't wanna freak you out,
'cause this is obviously our first date,
but you're the total package.
Well, yeah, I mean your online profile was nice and charming
and the picture is beautiful but in person
you're just like...
...radiant.
Oh, um...
I think you're pretty great, too.
I like to take things slowly, if that's all right.
Yes. Couldn't agree more.
I like to take things slow myself.
I- I- I didn't think you were that type of girl.
What type of girl?
Someone who'd just jump in the sack on the first date,
or whatever.
[laughing]
I- I- I am that type of girl.
I am.
Oh, really? - Yeah.
Yeah, right.
We'd probably be fucking right now
if it wasn't for my situation...
...below deck.
I'll go ahead and give you a hint.
It rhymes with beast inspection.
I think I know, yeah, I think I know what you mean.
Okay, it's not itchy anymore, but um...
it just probably doesn't smell very good.
[laughing] Anyway--
So, what kind of music do you like?
I'm mostly into reggae and dub.
Dub, ska, dancehall.
My favorite food is fried.
Italian and Mexican.
And Mexican.
Also Italian and Japanese.
Oh, I am a sushi slut.
And how does that manifest itself?
I'm a whore for sushi.
Uh... also...
...wow, I can't believe you ate that all in one bite.
You're like a boa constrictor.
Ah!
I'm gonna be straight with you.
You're breasts were a lot bigger in the photo.
In your photo, you looked a lot taller.
You had more neck.
It was a- like a headshot.
You had less teeth.
And, uh, you looked a lot more third-worldy...
Mexicany. [speaking Spanish]
You've got hair plugs.
And I don't mind... much.
It is not that I find you unattractive...
...at all.
It's just...
...false advertising.
But it's false advertising.
You have rendered me completely speechless.
Thank you.
All I can say is wow.
I get that a lot.
Will you excuse me for a second?
I need to shit like that every time I eat bacon.
It's the middle of dinner.
I'm- I'm not gonna go take a... shit.
Are you gonna have a piss?
Uh, well since you asked, um,
some urine might actually exit my penis.
I wasn't going to say that.
I felt like it was implied when I said, "Excuse me."
Just wash your hands 'cause dick hands,
it's just gross.
And be quick 'cause I really need to shit.
Okay, I'm gonna go shit. - Okay.
[speaking Spanish]
El ban- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
You gotta make a fiesta in el baño, no problem.
Yeah, yeah, poo party. [chuckles]
Oh, excuse me, I'm actually not in line.
Just... wishing I were dead.
Um... [speaks Spanish]
Oh, um... [speaks spanish]
[laughs]
[speaks Spanish]
Si. [laughing]
[Juanita laughing]
[forlorn music ♪]
♪ ♪
Excuse me... If- if you're waiting for a cab...
I was here first.
Yeah, you got it. No problem.
Here we go. - Hey!
Excuse me, ladies first.
A lady? Yeah, I'll tell you if I see one.
Really?
Get off!
[grunts]
Excuse me.
[stammering]
Are you kidding me?!
You're kidding me!
Unbelievable.
Alright, folks, where to?
[both shouting addresses]
Aah!
I guess we're neighbors. - I guess so. Yippee.
The joy. [sighs]
I can't wait to run into you.
Yeah, me neither.
It's still the best part of the neighborhood,
minus the gentrification. - Except for the gentrification.
Hey, could you drop me off first?
Really?
Did you fart?
No. I've been trying.
Yeah, 'cause I farted right when we got in
and that is not my brand.
It's pathetic. I can't smell anything.
What, you don't have a sense of smell you mean?
It's just a terrible fart.
Oh, you're calling my fart pathetic?
Yes.
Well, we're dealing with a new issue here.
The issue is that you apparently have gas
and it's gonna come out
at some point during this cab ride.
Trust me, I hope so.
[sighs]
[grunts] Nothing.
[both heckle the driver at the same time]
It's called the way there.
[both heckle the driver]
Assholes. - Hey what?
Watch it, you wanker.
Eat my dick, you fuck face.
Fuck mouth. - Paying customer!
Fucking cock breath.
[laughing] Cock breath...
Oh, that's impressive.
Oh, thanks, you too.
Thank you.
My friends would disagree
and they think my mouth is my biggest problem.
I think its fine, you just have- you just have thin lips.
No- not-
No, wha- the things I say, not what my lips look like, no.
Oh, oh, right.
I know I have thin lips.
It's- it's the bane of my existence.
Loads of guys have dumped me because they're embarrassed.
I don't know. - Oh, dicks.
I don't care.
It's my roommate, she's always trying to set me up
and find me a husband.
No, tell me about it.
My- my friends just bought me a wife.
They bought--?
They bought me a wife, like out of the blue.
So, you're married?
N-no, may- maybe.
I don't know.
I- I don't think it was legally binding.
I'm not sure.
I-I'll have to check on that one.
What do you do?
Um, I work for the parks department.
The what? - Parks department.
Pox department? - Parks.
Parks? - Parks.
Oh, parks! Parks department.
Right, right, the parks department.
Got it.
Well that's cool.
It is really cool.
Wanna know what I do?
Not really.
C'mon, take a guess, it's a good one.
Um, unemployed? - Yes!
Very good guess.
Be honest, do you think it was inappropriate?
For you to talk about your own feminine hygiene issue
at your dinner date?
Absolutely not. - Thank you.
Why would that be weird? - I know!
I didn't think so, but then I was, like,
questioning myself.
People are weird! - Yeah.
Like my date, my wife,
walked out on our date tonight,
I think, because I talked about my balls.
[scoffs] Like one time.
She sounds like a twunt.
What?
I'm sorry.
That's a really ugly word, I'm--
No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
Did you?
I say twunt.
I... No you don't.
I say twunt all the time.
I thought I made it up. - I thought I made it up.
Well, I guess we both made it up.
I guess we did.
Oh my God, I love twunt, I love twunt!
Oh, I love twunt.
I love twunt. - I love twunt.
[Scottish accent] Oh, look at that, you great twunt.
[both using Scottish accents] Oh no! - Oh you twunt.
I can't do a Scottish accent.
Oh, you stinky twunt.
Listen to you!
[unintelligible]
[Indian accent] Would you like some twunt korma?
Buttered- buttered twunt?
[normal voice] And, no, I don't know why people react to me that way.
I really don't.
It's just I prefer to be honest because--
Everyone wastes so much time being polite
when they could just say what they mean.
Now the question you gotta ask yourself is...
"Do you feel lucky, twunt?
Well? Do ya?"
No, I got, it was too big at the end, but you get it.
Yeah.
That was good. That was really good.
[both laughing]
Yeah, here you go.
Door-to-door service.
Thanks, that would almost be chivalrous,
if you didn't just arm-wrestle me for it.
Well, I have something very pressing to do at home.
Masturbate?
Yeah. - Me too.
[both giggling]
Man, get a room.
Just shut your stupid face!
[giggling]
Seriously, shut your stupid face.
Y'all twunts.
Well-- [coughs]
I got a- I got a burp in my throat.
Let it rip.
[small burp]
Nice. Nice. - Yeah.
I hate this job.
Um... [laughs]
Okay, um...
Goodbye.
- See you.
I'll pay for the cab. Don't worry.
Always planned on it.
Hey! Hey, hey.
You are not as big of a bitch
as I thought you were gonna be.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You're not as big of a cheese-dick,
Well, you haven't seen my dick.
[both laugh]
Um... - What's your name?
Oh, God, yeah, I'm Mel- I'm Mel Miller.
Mel- M- Mel- M- I'm Melanie Miller.
I'm Barry Burke. - Barry Burke, hey.
How do you do?
I do well. Um...
Maybe I'll run into you some time, Mel Miller.
Maybe we will, Barry Burke.
[both chuckle]
Goodbye again.
[giggling]
Okay, goodnight. - Yeah, bye.
[sighs]
[knock on the door]
Hey.
Hey, babe.
This museum pitch is killing me.
I have like zero ideas. - Mm-hmm.
So I thought I would just come and take a little break...
With you.
Pow.
[whispers] Pow.
Pshew.
Ow.
Do do.
Choo ch-choo, ch-choo
Aah!
I'm just gonna do some exercises
to help me, you know, clear my head.
Um...
I do this in my pilates class.
Isn't it fun?
Can I get my--
You're gonna wrinkle up my stuff on my desk.
Babe, I'm- I'm really trying' to get some stuff done,
you know what I mean?
You can't do it tomorrow?
Ah, you know, I could.
I'd just rather not.
[sighs]
Mm- mm- babe.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga choo choo!
Honey, I'm tryin' to--
Babe.
No one's hiring, I have to focus, okay?
I'm sorry.
I miss that guy.
What guy?
[whispering] That guy.
We all miss that guy.
What in the world?
[keys clacking]
God damn.
Barry...
I think it's time to face the fact that you-
that, uh-
That-
What was I saying? - Are you high?
[blows raspberries]
Yeah, like I'd find a year-old blunt
and smoke that and, like, cough so hard I farted.
Like I did that. Yeah.
He's high! - You're high!
Yeah, I'm high, yeah.
I am high as hell right now.
But it's not about me, man.
Let's talk about you, Barry.
I feel like I let you guys down a little bit.
You definitely did.
I-I-I, actually I did- I did share a cab ride home
with a pretty awesome girl after the date, though.
What? - And?
And it was- it was awesome.
I don't know, it was- it was weird.
We had so much in common, you know?
She was just like me.
She was smart, witty, good-looking.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Did you get her phone number?
No, I figured I'd bump into her sometime.
Dude! - Oh.
Are you out of your mind?
We've scoured this entire city
to find someone who can tolerate you
for more than three seconds,
then you finally find somebody that likes you
and you don't even get her fucking number?
I wanted to play it cool. - Cool?!
We are way past cool, man.
This shit is desperate!
Can I have a chocolate malt? I need a malt.
We'll find her. Just- what was her name?
Mel. - Mel what?
Mm... Mel, um... - Melvin?
Mel Gibson.
Mel, uh, it was like, ah! The- the- the, like the-
Think, think, think what was her name?
Fuck, Barry!
Well then, heck, Barry, what's the GD point?
Barry! I will literally club you with this bar spoon
if you don't tell me who she is.
Tell me!
Wait, I just got it!
Oh, Mel Miller. - She's pretty.
Wow. Graduated from Berkeley.
Volunteers at a dog adoption center.
Is this real?
Or is this some, like, catfish type situation?
I got her number. Call her.
Wait!
We only got one shot at this, all right?
Better do it right.
BOO! [gasps]
[laughing]
Oh, every time! - Yeah.
Oh, it is ridiculously hot out there.
Oh.
I am so clammy and sticky and disgusting.
I think I put deodorant on.
[coughs]
Whoo! - Are you wearing my bra?
Oh...
Yeah, I had to borrow it. - Why?
To match your thong.
Do you want it back?
No.
Oh, you sure?
Actually I might need a hand.
N- no, you keep it. Really.
Thank you.
It's really stuck up there.
Yeah.
So, you heard anything from the cab guy?
Oh, that guy. Um, no.
He hasn't got my number, so- - Bummer.
I don't care, anyway.
It's better for you if I'm single.
Right?
What would you do without your wing girl?
Get dates.
You wouldn't, Paige.
No?
It's really hard for you.
Babe, you've got to learn to love yourself,
before others can love you.
My self-esteem is fine now.
No, I mean literally love yourself.
You know?
Down there.
Between your legs.
Do you know what I mean?
Try the showerhead.
Try your electric toothbrush.
Yours is a lot more powerful than mine
and really gets in there.
That is really disgusting.
It's not. It's natural.
This is the problem with you, Paige.
Why do you think I spend so long in the bathroom every morning?
I'm masturbating. - Hm.
A good hour before breakfast
and usually forty-five minutes if I can squeeze it in
when I get home.
I'm gonna get you masturbating if it's the last thing I do.
I'm all good.
[cellphone playing electronic music]
Hey, Mel, this is Barry, uh, from the cab.
Oh, um...
Uh...
It's him, it's the guy.
[breathing too quickly to speak]
It's the guy from the cab.
Okay, speak as little as possible.
Okay, okay. I'm all good.
Hey, so um...
you some kind of pervert stalker or something?
Yeah, sometimes.
No! - Just read the cards.
Uh, I can't read Kurt's handwriting.
What are you talking about? It says,
"I was wondering if you're not doing anything Friday night
if you'd like to go to dinner with me
or any other activity."
Oh my God, could you make it any wordier?
Who are you talking to?
I'm talking to you.
I was wondering if you want me to come in your- what?!
No!
What's going on? - I don't know.
Speak from your heart. - Shut up!
Are you talking to me? - Yes.
Oh, really?
No, no.
Read the card. - You shut up.
Please don't screw this up.
You shut up!
Fuck off.
Fuck you.
Are you getting' busy on Friday night?
[sighs] I dunno.
You tell me if I'm getting busy Friday night.
What, is English her second language?
I think so. [giggles]
and, uh- and we'll talk about the details later.
Cool... see ya.
Cool, see ya.
Oh!
He got a date!
Down there.
I have a date.
What? - Yeah.
I mean we'll see. I don't know.
I love him.
I think I need to go and have a shower.
I feel so inspired after that, it was just--
I know.
It's like I'm alive, right? - I know, I know!
I feel alive. - It's just, it was so real.
Oh God, this- this is hands-down
the best first date I've ever had.
Yeah? - Ever!
Mine too. - Yeah?
And no one has ever taken me to a cockfight before.
I can't believe that.
You got cockfight written all over you.
It's so... violent.
And so bloody, I know.
Feathers everywhere.
Poor little guys. - Yeah.
Yeah, but you made that great call on dinner, so...
Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, well I'm- I'm glad you liked it.
I think they have incredible cuisine at Hooters,
but most people don't notice 'cause of...
all the massive tits.
I know, the tits are distracting.
This feels so natural.
I know.
It makes me want to spoon your face.
I wanna...
I wanna lick the inside of your mouth.
You do? - Yeah.
Oh God...
I really hope you taste like hot dogs.
I do.
I always do. - Yeah?
♪ ♪
Barry, I wanna invite you upstairs, but...
...this fucking bread factory between my legs
is working overtime and--
That's cool. - Yeah?
It's cool. - I'm sorry.
It's cool. - Yeah?
I hope you don't mind if I work one out to you later.
I'd like that.
Yeah? - Uh-huh.
Then I will.
Mmm.
Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Bye. - Bye.
[chuckles]
This sucks.
This all sucks.
Yes!
What's up?
That was Barry.
He and Mel are totally hitting it off.
Oh my god, that is amazing!
I know! - Oh my God!
This could be it!
Oh my God. - Yes!
Oh.
They're going out again on Friday?
That's huge!
Yeah, think of the freedom.
Zihuatenejo, my friend.
you realize what this could mean, right?
eating at restaurants without being publicly humiliated.
Going to sporting events without fear or ejection.
Not having people say,
"Hey, you know your friend Barry?
Don't ever bring him to my motherfucking house again."
And that's a woman saying that.
I'm gonna meet so many more chicks.
Ah, I'm gonna bone Rachel a lot.
And I'm gonna talk to Camille.
Go what? - What?
It's time to make right what once was, um...
Aw, hell no.
Hey. - Oh, hey.
I didn't even see you over there.
I- I'd seen you earlier, but I- I- I...
Cool. - What's up?
Honestly, I'm not doing so well.
I just broke up with someone.
You already got a new boyfriend
and then- and then broke up with him?
It's been, like, eleven days.
Yeah, I moved on, Kurt.
Didn't you?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I did.
I moved on, a lot,
to a lot of different women.
Wow. Anyone special?
No! No- yeah, no, just it's hard to notice
'cause there's so many- so much ass coming my way,
it's all the clingy bitches and, you know.
Awesome, well, it was really nice running into you.
But I don't really talk to them anymore, you know?
They weren't up to my standards, you know?
Really? - Yeah.
Once you go black, you never go back...
Doesn't apply.
He's not dumb enough to pursue that again.
I don't know.
Um.
But, you know what?
Let's just focus on the positive, all right?
We are about to embark on a brand new chapter of our lives.
You're baked. - What?
[blows raspberries]
Don't do that. You're scaring the customers.
Daddy feels like getting wet!
Oh!
You got nothin'!
[laughs]
Ah! [biker grunts]
Go, go, go, go, go! [laughing]
You sure it's okay to do it out here?
Yeah, nobody's gonna knooow!
Damn, that shit is good!
Ah!
Tell me about, um, your day.
Mm, mm-hmm.
[laughter]
So funny.
[sings unintelligibly]
♪ Oh Barry ♪
I don't have the words or anything yet.
But you got Barry in there, you put Barry in there.
That's me.
Throw it up there.
Yeah, that's good.
Why don't you try again here
and do a couple, uh,
do a couple yourself.
Check it out. I'll be right back.
Was that Hatha yoga you were practicing over there?
I saw it. That was incredible!
♪ ♪
Hmm? Hmm?
[cheering] Put me down!
♪ ♪
[clears throat]
Smooth it out. - Just smooth it out.
Use some spit.
I think it's like--
Use a little spit.
Yeah, 'cause there's a bigger vein.
There's a big vein going, just--
Okay. - Yeah.
So add a little bit to the base.
Yeah, yeah. Here, here, here.
Easy fix. - That looks really good.
♪ ♪
[Mel giggling]
Everybody watch! This is the big finish!
Aah!
Oh, oh, ah, ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, don't touch. Oh, don't touch.
Oh it's sensi- oh it's delicate, it's tender.
So? - so?
Tell us everything.
Okay. Mel is amazing.
She's unbelievable. I-
The last two weeks have been magical
and I- I don't wanna get cheesy,
but deep down in my heart I feel like she understands me
as no one else ever has.
Plus, she's got a super-wide bush.
Yeah, I love it.
This is great news.
It is! I know, right?
Most girls wax, but not Mel.
I like to get lost down there in some jungle.
No, I- I meant it's great news that it's going so well.
Yeah, not great news about the bush.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, that too.
That is going very well.
Um, but mainly the relationship.
Well, you haven't seen this bush.
It's outstanding.
Sounds like a real throwback. - So...
... moving on.
What are you guys coin'?
Dude, can you not put gum underneath my bar?
Last time I put it on top of the bar you flipped out,
and now I put it under the bar, which is the next logical step,
What do you want me to do with it?
So... you and Mel?
Seems like you guys are going the distance, huh?
Yeah, sounds like you met your soul mate.
You're intended.
Could be your future bride.
Hey, I-I-I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, yeah, she is, she is pretty amazing.
Did I mention her bush?
Indeed you did. - In detail.
I can't believe you have a girlfriend, man!
Yeah, I know.
When do we get to meet her? - Uh...
We're going to Kurt's cabin this weekend.
You should bring her.
Yeah, yeah, Kurt, can I?
Yeah, it'll be fun. That'll be cool.
Yes! Yeah!
[all talking]
You're gonna love her.
You might even get a peek at that bush.
I don't know. We'll see what we can do.
I'm okay with just meeting her.
Why'd you invite Barry again?
I told you, he's got a girlfriend now, so...
And?
And it'll be totally different.
This'll be the kinder, gentler Barry.
Exactly, she'll keep him on a short leash.
Yeah, kinda like a buffer.
A little Barry buffer.
Great. - Oh, there they are.
Hey!
[horn honking]
We knew you were there before the honk.
Hello! - This is Mel.
Oh, she's so pretty!
Oh, she looks like an angel from heaven.
Hi! - Hey.
Hi, I'm Desmond, great to meet you.
Oh! Okay, the guy who couldn't get it up for his wife.
Yep, wha--? - That's him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right.
So you must be the lucky lady
who's finally getting some.
That's me. My name is Rachel.
You didn't tell me her name was Rachel.
I used- I had a, um, a rat called Rachel, yeah.
Cool, um, this is-- - That's a detail.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna guess,
because he has told me so much about you all.
Watch this. Watch this.
Um, skank-magnet...
ice queen... [laughs]
no-balls pushover. [laughs]
Yeah, you hit- hit the nail on the head, there.
I know, I know, look at her,
she's got some brains up there, huh?
Not to mention a beautiful set of knockers right here.
Sorry, they're only B-cup. - Only.
Well, they're actually-
I can swell to a C when I'm menstruating.
Ah, that's disgusting.
Oh my God, I never thought I'd say this to a lady,
but I can't wait for your time of the month.
Uh.
But get ready for the three Bs.
Bloated, bitchy and breasty.
[laughing]
Oh my God, I'm getting a little B of my own right here.
Check it out. - I- I looked.
Mmm. You know what guys? I wanna- I wanna drive.
[all telling him no]
No, no, no, I wanna drive, I wanna drive.
Do you wanna get in there and make out a bit
before these guys finish packing?
Yeah, um, if the van's a-rockin'-
Don't come knockin'. - Nah, I'm kidding.
It's another joke. It's another joke.
We won't go all the way. - No, just oral.
Please don't do that in my car. Please don't.
Rafe, put my shit in the back.
[laughs sarcastically]
[playing loud dubstep music ♪]
♪ ♪
♪ Superconductor ♪
I'm feeling carsick!
What?
Hoo-hoo!
This sounds like the soundtrack from Gizmo.
Huh?
This is awful! - Yeah, it's awesome!
No, it sounds like what insanity must feel like.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Barry, uh, can you maybe turn that song off?
This music is horrible. It's making my eardrums bleed.
Oh! - Sorry, sorry.
Okay, Mister No-taste. [music turns off]
Thank you. - Thanks.
That was just a lot. - Yeah.
Here we go. - Uh-huh
[both rapping] You know, a playa makin' money, fuckin' all these bitches
three at a time, hydraulics in the switches,
got these hos and the bitches licking up my ice cream,
bitch squeeze the DJ, come fuck wit my team,
Oh, make your ass shake, shake your moneymaker,
take it to the hotel
and show her how my dick can break her,
yeah, life ain't shit without pussy on my dick, no.
Pussy on your dick... great.
[music fades out]
[quiet traffic noise]
Ready? - Yeah.
[loud flatulence]
[Barry sniffs and gags] Oh my God.
[sniffing and squealing]
What? - It stinks!
Who did that? - Who ripped it?
That'd be me. - Are you serious?!
Are you steaming broccoli in there?
It's tuna.
I'll open up the window. - Fuck!
It won't open! - What's going on?
Did I accidentally lock the windows?
I'm not familiar with this car.
Oh my God, it's in my eyes!
Oh you stink so good.
Since we're all locked in anyway,
lemme, lemme add to the party.
It's gonna be good, listen!
[farting]
[all reacting with disgust]
Oh! [laughing]
Oh, there was a high note on that one.
I'm gonna hurl!
You guys, I think he's allergic!
I'm gonna hurl!
Oh my God.
[Mel] They're choking. Look how great.
[Rafe] Unlock the windows, Barry!
[Mel] Ah, it's gorgeous. [Barry] Isn't it?
Oh, I can't wait to pork you here.
You're the best porker.
I know, aren't I?
I've been wanting to pork you the whole car ride.
The whole ride? - Yeah.
Uh, how many bedrooms have you got?
One. - Dibs!
[Mel laughs]
[Barry] Get up there. Get up there.
Rafe, grab my shit. [door closes]
This is gonna be fun, guys.
Yeah... yeah, I'm havin' fun.
You guys havin' fun? [Camille] No.
I can taste that fart.
[Rachel] I'm so excited to go swimming!
This is the best part of comin' up here.
Yeah. You guys are gonna love it.
I used to go to this swimming hole all the time
when I was a kid.
Is it gonna be cold?
Yeah, it'll be great! Come on!
Yeah, yeah, come on guys.
Last one in is a rotten piece of shit!
Woo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Here we go!
[Camille groans]
Fresh air feels good on my balls!
Okay, there's actually some board games back at the cabin.
Oh yeah. - I'm into that.
I love me some board games.
What better way to spend a beautiful day?
[Barry in the distance] Show 'em your bush!
It's so nice. - Yeah, babe.
Yeah, and this, this one here
is actually three generations of my family
standing just out front, so.
[Mel squeals] [Barry] Oh my God!
[belches]
Did you see that? Let me do it!
I haven't done that in so long.
Oh my God, all right. Your turn, your turn.
No, you gotta let, you gotta get it all gathered in here.
Come on Rafe! Come on, buddy!
Come on, get out here!
Not my thing. Stopped doing that in college.
[Barry] Go, go, go. Do it.
This is a pine needle fort
I made for the beetle army I was raising.
Look at this, she's just letting it slide right down her throat!
Oh, God, that's sexy.
[Mel gags] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Right in the sink. Do it, do it. Yeah.
This is one of my, uh, my old cats we used to...
[Mel vomiting]
...bring up here.
[Barry] It's okay, right?
[Mel] I got some puke up my nose.
[Desmond gagging]
Are you- ? You don't look too well.
Mmm. - Mmm.
[vomiting]
Honey, breathe, breathe.
I just wish they would, like, throw up quieter.
Oh. - Shhh.
Mmm, there you go. [zipper unzipping]
Ah! - Oh!
Don't look back there.
- Oh, God.
Kitchen blowy, guys.
This is heaven. [laughs]
[vomiting] Oh.
Okay, come on up.
Let's just try to enjoy ourselves.
Yeah.
Lady up! [laughing]
We should play Twister!
This wine is nice.
[Barry] I think the more you puke, the drunker you get,
isn't that the way it goes?
[Mel] Did I get puke on your cock?
Don't worry about it. I like it.
Think that's enough?
Maybe a few more would be sexier.
You got it, juicy jugs.
Let me just check on the gang.
Make sure everyone is nice and cozy.
Everybody?
Everybody doin' okay down there?
[all] No.
Yeah, I love sleepin' in chairs.
All right.
G'night everybody. Sleep tight.
[Desmond] That is inevitable. [Barry] Love you guys.
[Rafe] Kurt, do you hear a coyote or something?
[Kurt] No, this- this is not even camp,
it's Cabin in the Woods.
[Mel shrieks]
[Barry mumbling]
Are they fucking up there?
It's not that bad.
It's actually kinda romantic if you think about it.
[Camille gagging]
Oh no! - Get that off me.
[Barry] Start slowly.
Yep. Definitely having sex.
[Barry] Slow down, slow down, or I'm gonna come early.
Bleh, bleh. It's in my mouth.
[Mel] Sorry! [Barry] For what?
Do you smell something? - What?
[Mel and Barry] Yeah! Yeah!
[fire blazing]
[walkie talkie chatter]
It looks worse than it is, I think, Kurt.
It's completely engulfed in flames.
They're gonna save your place, I promise you.
Your place is toast. - Shit.
But I did manage to save your family albums.
Well, I tried.
Oh, man, those albums were old
and you're barely in them,
and listen, don't worry, don't worry about it, okay?
I will rebuild it with my own bare hands.
I took wood shop in high school -
Aah! I'm gonna kill you!
It was an accident! - You're an accident!
I only used that many candles
'cause it made Mel's body look so fine.
I mean, wouldn't you? - Go away!
Go away forever and don't come back!
You don't mean that. - Yes he does!
We all do.
Rafe?
I think you should go, Barry.
Seriously?
It's not all his fault.
I am just as responsible, and I--
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, Mel, no, no.
It was an accident- it was an accident.
Kurt, I promise you
I am not gonna burn your cabin down anymore, okay?
Obviously, Barry!
That's impossible! There's only one!
What about "Pals forever"?
Stop saying that! - Why?
Because it's just a stupid motto from camp
and it doesn't mean anything.
Des, babe, let's-- - Rachel!
It means something to me.
Get it straight, Barry,
you ruined our trip and we want you gone.
And you can take your inappropriate girlfriend with you.
What do you mean my inappropriate girlfriend?
She's a train wreck, dude.
Yeah, nobody likes her.
She's just as bad as you are.
Face it, she is a Barry, Barry.
What's a Barry? - What's a-
I'll tell you what a Barry is, Barry.
A Barry is a person with no couth,
no sense of propriety.
It's a person who gets you fired,
destroys your relationships,
and pretty much ruins everything in your entire life!
Okay, look, I don't care what you think of me,
but Barry has been nothing but an amazing friend
to you all.
Oh, really?
'Cause from where I'm sitting, he's ruined everything.
We didn't mean to do it.
It doesn't matter what you mean to do.
What matters is what you do do.
[Mel snorts]
Doo-doo.
Mel, grow up.
Come on.
Guys, guys. It's me. It's Barry, okay?
It's your best friend. Let's- let's talk about this.
Friends stick by each other no matter what.
I mean even- even through cabin fires, right?
Well, there's a limit to what we can handle, Barry.
Why do you think we tried so hard to find you a wife?
It's because we were trying to get rid of you!
[quiet sad music ♪]
♪ ♪
That's why you did it?
You guys wanted to get rid of me?
I see.
Let's get out of here, man.
[sighs]
♪ ♪
Those guys are assholes.
No, they're not assholes. I'm the asshole.
Well, I think they're assholes.
Stop calling them assholes. They're my friends.
Friends stand by each other, remember?
So do boyfriends, by the way.
What?
Where- where is that coming from?
Really?
What, Mel?
What- what-
what was I supposed to say?
Well, I don't think
you were supposed to tell me to grow up.
I see. Okay.
So this is about you now, obviously.
My best friends, my lifelong best friends,
just ripped my heart out of my chest
and told me that they never wanna see me again
and you're fucking crying? - I-
You're hurt?!
You're the one who's hurt?!
First of all, I am not crying.
Barry, I'm not crying, but my feelings were hurt
because your lifelong best friends
said some not very nice things about me.
That hurt you?
Yes, it did. And you didn't say anything.
Wai-
...did you agree with them?
No.
That wasn't very convincing.
Well, maybe there's a kernel of truth to it, Mel.
What's that mean?
I'm saying it can't be a coincidence
that the-the first time I bring you up to the cabin
my friends dump me.
Oh...
So, okay, so it's- this is all my fault.
Yes, it's your fault, okay?
My life was perfect before I met you.
It was perfection. - What?
And now it's a big old pile of shit.
Barry, did you say your life was perfect before me?
Because I thought you had no job, and no relationship,
and your friends still wanted to get rid of you.
Well that worked for me, Mel.
Okay?!
You're a dick. - Oh, now I'm a dick.
Yes, Barry. You know, if the dick fits.
Well I think you know the dick fits.
Please never ever call me again.
Oh, that's fine.
[mimicking Mel's accent] I'll neva eva eva call you again.
I'll neva.
I wouldn't dream of it, Mel.
Mel!
[dog barking in the distance]
Fuck.
I kinda feel bad for the guy.
Look, it's not what any of us wanted,
but it had to happen.
Yeah, it did.
Let's face it, our friendship with Barry has run its course.
It's just time we move on with our lives,
you know what I mean?
[sighs]
[cellphone vibrating]
Oh.
Who's that?
It's one of the, uh, agencies I applied to.
Be right back.
Hello?
They loved my reel and just won two new accounts.
I start Monday.
Oh my God, baby, I am so proud of you.
That's awesome. - I know!
You go ahead. I'll be up in a bit.
What are you gonna do?
Ah, I'm just gonna jot down some campaign ideas
before I forget.
I won't be long.
[Sarah] This is kind of an unusual date.
No, it- it's romantic and- and fun and, you know,
I couldn't find a sitter, so.
I think he wants to play baseball.
That's what the mitt's for, Dad.
Right, but this is something we all can do together.
And then when he goes to bed, you can stick around,
we'll have some wine.
I'm gonna go. - Why?
You need to be with your son and, honestly,
I'm not ready for this.
Bye, JT. - Bye.
Sarah, really? You're seriously leaving?
[door closes]
I guess it's just you and me, bud.
Cool. - Yeah, cool.
You wanna just order a pizza?
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Desmond, the client loves the campaign,
so we're a go. - Awesome!
I'll drop by your office later
and we'll talk about the production schedule.
Okay. - Great job, man.
Thank you.
Ah.
Huh.
Oh, and Desmond, this is just a silly formality,
but because of our new parent company...
...HR needs you to take a drug test.
[high voice] Okay... no problem.
[sighs]
[piano music ♪]
♪ ♪
[buttons beep]
[sighs]
[upbeat music ♪]
♪ ♪
Bend your knees a little.
Elbow up like this.
You stare down that pitcher, you stare him in the eye.
Oh, hey!
Bases are loaded, bottom of the ninth,
crowd's on its feet. Here's the pitch!
Boom!
Deep center!
Let's do that again! - Do it again. All right.
Okay, everybody who has a pair of scissors near them
pick them up, all right?
I'd like you to put them on this finger,
your index finger right here, and start twirling.
Do it, do it, get your scissors, come on, all right?
This is the exact wrong way to handle a pair of scissors, okay?
Don't ever let me catch you doing this!
Put 'em down. Put 'em down.
Okay, put it on your finger again. Spin it around.
[imitates buzzer] You fail! I just said don't do that!
Listen, guys, if you don't start working harder,
I'm gonna take each and every one of you individually
to the outhouse and I'm gonna fart on your face.
[kids laughing]
♪ ♪
[silence]
[coughs]
Hm? - Hey.
Baby, wake up.
What time is it?
Three a.m.
What? Is everything okay?
Are you all right? - No. Mm-hmm.
What's wrong? - I have cotton mouth.
What?
I need juice.
There's water on the nightstand. - Juice.
Okay, I'll get you some from the fridge.
I need the Golden Acres juice.
You know, the one with the organic farm on the label.
You know, the one that I like.
Uh, okay, I'll buy some tomorrow.
I need it now.
You- you want me to go get you some now?
Mm-hmm.
You...
...just to clarify, you want me to get up
and walk eleven blocks at three in the morning
to get you specific juice?
Maybe we shouldn't have gotten back together.
What are you saying? Don't say that.
Every other boyfriend woulda done this for me.
All right.
Yeah.
All right, yeah.
I got ya. I'm getting up.
I am getting up and I am getting dressed.
Thanks.
And I'm walkin' out the door.
Thanks, sweetie.
To my place.
What?
You know, Barry was right.
You don't deserve me.
Barry's never right.
Barry,
I will admit, he has a poor batting average,
but he is right in this instance!
Why are you getting so angry?
Because I am a treasure, Camille,
and you're a bad pirate.
What?
You're joking, right?
I'll tell you something else.
No one, in their right mind, unless they're insane,
paints this many pictures of themselves.
I'm beautiful.
No, you're a madman.
I love me.
Not anymore.
Last thing, 'cause I know I've been back and forth a bit,
no woman who knows her body, like you claim to do,
takes an hour and a half to orgasm.
That's too much work and I'm down there munching away.
So look at me now, Camille.
Look at me, this is what a man looks like.
This is what it looks like, okay?
This is what it looks like
with a man who now has his dignity back.
Goodbye, Camille.
Now you have to eat your own stew...
...'cause--
Wow.
It seems like you miss him.
Uh...
...no.
No, I don't, not really.
I just...
...I never met anyone I felt so connected to
in my entire life.
And, so, it hurts a bit.
Because I thought he was different.
But he wasn't and that's fine.
There's a new tech guy at my office.
I could introduce you.
What do ya think?
I think I am not going to let myself get hurt anymore.
But thanks.
Thank you.
Hey, what's going on?
I thought we were gonna sleep in.
Yeah, I can't sleep. [sighs]
My boss wants me to take a drug test.
I'm gonna lose my job.
Okay.
[sighs]
We'll figure something out.
But you have to promise something.
What? What?
Okay, look, um...
You love your job just as much as I love my job.
Yeah.
But I feel like things were just starting to get good again
and now we're kind of like slipping back
into that bad place, you know what I mean?
I do.
Yeah.
Okay, so let's just make a deal.
You don't work weekends
and we'll both take our vacation days.
Does that sound good?
Yeah, yeah.
That sounds good.
I love you.
Mmm.
I'm still gonna get fired.
No... 'cause I've got a plan.
Strictly week days, huh? - Mm-hmm.
We, uh, found some balance.
I dumped Camille. - Really?
Yeah, I- I think I can do better.
Wow.
We never liked her.
Not even a bit. - Barry mentioned that.
She was a straight-up bizznussneeznashnush.
She offered me a blow job once.
Too soon. - She offered. I said no.
Rafe, how's dating?
Uh, haven't been.
Without Barry I've been spending a ton of time with JT.
The kid's great.
He does miss Barry, though.
I mean I don't, at all, no.
The guy was a nightmare.
It's so much easier without him around.
No more messes to clean up.
No more hassles.
No one to apologize for.
It kinda sucks.
Yeah.
Totally.
I'm just so bummed, you know,
not only was she a really fantastic girl,
but she had... these great, big juicy jugs, you know?
Just showstoppers.
[knock on the door] Oh...
someone's at my door. I-I gotta go.
I'll call you later, okay Grandma?
I love you. Bye.
[all] Hey.
What are you guys doing here?
Can we talk?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.
And when we say we are sorry about everything we said and did
we really mean it.
What we said was mean.
And the stuff we said about Mel, too.
I mean she didn't deserve that.
Yeah, she didn't deserve that. She's a sweetheart.
But I'll relay that message to her
if I ever talk to her again.
We want you back, Barry.
We're your friends, Barry. Always.
No matter what ridiculous, obnoxious, inane,
stupid thing you might do.
Yeah, I probably will do something like that.
Barry, will you forgive us?
I don't think so.
Now I want you guys to get out of my house right now.
Get outta here!
I'm kidding! I'm kidding. I'm kidding, guys.
Oh my God I got goose bumps.
Like, I could barely pull that off.
Did you guys see that?
Ah! - Yeah.
So, pals forever?
Dick tattoos, finally?
Are we gonna do it? [all] No.
You get a tattoo of a dick on your dick
and on the tattoo of the dick on your dick
it says, "Pals forever."
I'm mainly concerned about the pain.
That'a the point!
Asshole!
[laughter]
I love it when you get this guy.
Look at you! [laughing]
[Kurt] And I knew that if I just concentrated hard enough,
believed hard enough,
[Desmond] You didn't revive the possum, Kurt.
That's what they do. They play possum.
You never heard of playing possum?
No, why would you wanna play with a dead animal?
They're not dead. They're pretending to be dead.
You did not revive that animal.
Rafe, maybe you're not understanding me.
You don't have the powers to revive dead animals.
[Desmond] Whatcha got there, man?
Hey! Hey, buddy.
Nothin'.
Just, uh... oh, uh, I, uh,
have something here I've been meaning to give to you
for a little while.
It's, uh, my share of the mail order bride.
Or it's a start, anyway.
Thanks, man.
I do need a wallet, but for now, this'll have to do.
How are you, man? - Good, good, good.
Yeah, I'm really well.
You know, like, uh, things feel...
...uh, things feel shitty.
I can't get over Mel.
I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm just- I'm a wreck.
You know, I- I- [chuckles]
most girls don't understand me, Des.
They punch me.
But Mel, she got me.
And I blew it.
Well, you got us, man.
Yeah, I know, I know. And I-
I'm thrilled that we're all hanging out together again,
believe me, I-I just...
Nobody else makes me feel the way that she does.
And that's no slam to you guys, you know?
Nobody makes me feel that way.
I- I- I've never even considered
spending the rest of my life with somebody.
Have you told her this?
What do you mean? - Like, how you feel?
How would I do that?
I mean, what you said sounded pretty darn good.
No, what? You think?
Absolutely.
I gotta tell her, don't I? - For sure.
I gotta do this. I'm gonna- we gotta- I gotta do this.
I'm gonna do it on Monday.
Well, um, why- why Monday?
Monday's way better for me. The weekend is packed.
I got- I got grout.
I gotta transfer all my BluRays to DVD.
You cannot wait 'til Monday, Barry.
You've met the woman that you wanna drive everyone crazy with
for the rest of your life.
Yeah. - You have to be with her now.
I have to. - Good.
Do you know where she is?
What's today? - Um, Friday.
Yeah, I know exactly where she is.
Let smile the heavens upon this holy act
that after hours with sorrow chide us not.
Amen.
But come what sorrow can.
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
that one short minute gives me in her sight.
Do we really need to be running?
No, it's just more romantic this way!
Hey, any idea where I could get some clean urine?
I have some. Not mine, but I have some.
It is my ghostly confessor.
Romeo shall thank thee for us both.
As much to him, else is his thanks too much.
Ah, Juliet if the measure of thy joy be heaped like mine
and that thy skill be more to blazon
the imagined happiness that both receive and...
[whispering] Barry... Barry.
What?
There's an entrance.
No, it's okay, I got in.
I fell in over here.
Do you guys know Mel Miller?
My true love has grown to such excess-
Anybody seen Mel Miller? Hey.
Comes a messenger. [chuckling]
Sorry.
Go to, messenger.
I'll have words with you later.
Ah! - Oh!
Mel Miller? Mel Miller?!
Shut up, asshole!
She's a British blonde bombshell,
works here?
Listen, they both take suicide pills
and they die, okay? It's really sad.
[crowd booing]
You just ruined the whole play, you idiot!
Oh my God. Oh, you didn't know that?
Oh you guys didn't know that?
It's called the eighth grade, dummies!
Try it some time. It's Romeo and Juliet.
Ah, there she is, there's--
I need to talk to you, please come here.
Pretend it's part of the show, Barry, please.
Not until I say some things to you.
[audience complaining]
This will just take a moment.
He's very sick. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, this is a lovely setting for Shakespeare.
Now I just need to say a couple of things.
No, no, stay here. I have to do it here!
So- sorry. - Yes.
Yes. - Sorry.
I-
I la-mmm-
I love- I love-
I love your tits. - Oh!
That's- 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey!
That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant.
I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm not that gross.
I do love her tits I just- you got great tits,
I love your tits. - I know that.
I can do better, I- I- - What?
I love- I love-
I love your breath...
even in the morning when it- when it smells
like a sweaty sock.
I love it even more that way.
I just wanna climb inside your mouth and live there.
I love that I could al- I can always tell
what you've had for lunch because I can taste it later
when we're making out.
And- and I love- I love that you're so not into your looks
that you don't even care that you have a daddy long legs mole
growing under your arm and it's got little whiskers
and you never pluck 'em.
It's disgusting. - I do.
And I- and I- and I love, I love that your accent is so thick I have...
I literally have no idea what you're saying to me
half the time. - Is that it?
Yeah. See, I could barely even understand that.
I love that your nose whistles every time I make you come.
And I- and I love that your little nickname for my butthole
is my smelly button.
And- and- and I love that you have to take off all your clothes
every time you have to take a poo.
Even in public restrooms.
It's so adorable.
It takes forever.
And I- and I love, I love that you have
a- a dedicated savings account just for future space travel.
I do. Yeah, I do.
And- and- and I love your little mustache.
I didn't know you noticed it.
It's my favorite little mustache I've ever seen.
Even if that makes me gay.
I'm gay for your 'stache.
I'm gay for her 'stache!
And...
...most importantly...
...I love you.
Barry!
How am I supposed to stay angry with you
when you say stuff like that?
You're not.
[upbeat music ♪]
♪ ♪
[audience reacts with disgust]
You can tell they make love really passionately.
Mmm, mmm.
That's enough.
You're married, we get it.
There we go.
What'd you expect?
I've seen enough.
I'm never gonna get used to that.
Tell me about it.
Oh, hey. - Hi.
I- I- I'm Kurt. - Paige.
Oh, are- are you- - I'm Mel's roommate.
Oh, hi.
Sorry, I'm a little nervous. I'm on solo duty.
Oh, same here, I know what you mean.
[Barry] Hey, JT, over here!
Come on, Dad!
We, ooh- uh,
Call me. We'll get coffee.
But weekdays only.
Weekends are guy time.
I really can't wait for, like,
all these people to get out of my house.
Yeah, it's a lot of people.
I think someone's gonna steal something.
Yeah, I saw a couple people eyeing some things.
I saw you talking to Paige.
Um, yeah, she's nice.
It might take some getting used to but...
Hey, JT. - What up, bitches?
Oh, yo. - I mean, hey guys.
I'm still trying to un-teach him
some of the things that Barry taught him.
Uncle Desmond, how'd your science project go?
What science project?
The one that you needed my pee for.
Oh, right, um...
I aced it, man.
Yeah.
That is immoral and illegal.
What do we say, buddy? - Pals forever.
Hope you guys don't mind. We kind of adopted it.
It's plagiarism. Technically.
Shoulda checked with us before-- [moaning]
You realize we're gonna have to put up with both of 'em
for the rest of our lives, right?
I'd say that's the least of our worries.
What could be worse?
A little Barry.
Oh.
♪ ♪
[funky music ♪]
[Desmond] Everyone's got one.
The inappropriate friend.
Good. [gags]
Aw, that's terrible. I don't want that at all.
[Desmond] The one with no filter.
Whoo, old man.
[Desmond] The one you just can't take anywhere.
Hi. You didn't see me but I had a great like Bionic Man thing going.
[laughs] Fucking good!
Who the hell is that?
His name is Sammy.
He's a counselor at my camp.
Avoid him at all costs, all right?
He's the kinda guy that just constantly says all the wrong things,
a bull in a china shop, totally embarrassing to be around.
What are you gonna do, though?
There's one in every group.
You got that right. - Hey, man!
Oh my God, he's coming over here.
He's all yours. - Barry.
You guys must be Barry's friends!
Oh my God. That's Barry's Barry.
♪ Any friend of Barry is a friend of mine ♪
Bring it in. Bring it in.
[rock music ♪]
♪ ♪
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