(THE OUTFIELD'S "YOUR LOVE" PLAYING ON STEREO)
Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
WOMAN (SINGING ALONG): So many things that I wanna say
You know I like my girls a little bit older
I just wanna use your love tonight
Ooh!
Unh, unh.
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Unh.
I ain't got many friends left to talk to
Nowhere to run when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night but keep it undercover
I just wanna use your love tonight
Oh, yeah
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
(TIRES SCREECH)
(THUD & GLASS SHATTERING)
(GROANS)
Shit.
What the hell?
Oh, man. Not another one.
I shouldn't have been looking for my ChapStick, buddy.
You're just stunned, I think.
Yeah. I mean, you got the wind knocked out of you.
I did that on a jungle gym.
Had the wind knocked out of me too.
I'll give you a couple seconds. You'll be fine.
Yeah.
Come on.
Maybe you just need a little...
You want mouth-to-mouth, man?
Maybe that'll help.
I just... I don't want you to bite my mouth.
(BLOWING AIR)
There you go. That's helping.
Okay, come on. Let's walk it off, man.
Get up on all fours. You can...
(DEER GRUNTS THEN TAMMY SCREAMS)
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
Attaboy! Run!
Look at you go! There you go!
Got a good gait.
Got a good gait. Yes!
(THE OUTFIELD'S "YOUR LOVE" PLAYING ON STEREO)
Your love...
(LOCK CLICKS)
KEITH: Where are my chicken sandwiches, Larry? Come on, let's go.
Somebody get these. Oh, my God.
Tammy, get over here.
You're late again. Do you own a watch much?
I know I'm late. A deer jumped out of nowhere.
KEITH: You look like crud. Oh, my God.
Get off the floor.
Tammy, my office. Now.
TAMMY: I'm coming, Keith. God.
Tammy, do you know how I got to where I am?
Sucking dick and kissing ass?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Excuse me, Keith. We need some more ketchup.
Okay. English, though, Javier. This is America.
- It was English. - That wasn't English.
- Is that blood? - TAMMY: Yeah.
A deer hit my car on the way in.
- You should maybe see a doctor. - No kidding.
KEITH: Okay, thanks, Javier. That's great advice. See you later.
Tammy, I'm terminating your employment at Topperjack's.
You've gotta be shitting me.
No, I'm terminating your employment. I need your badge.
What ba...? You mean my name tag?
- Yes, exactly. I need your badge back. - TAMMY: It's not a badge.
It's a name tag, and you made me buy it with my own money.
That's company policy. I need it back.
Well, I need you to stop sweating through your shirts and grossing everybody out.
It is hot. And when it's hot, people sweat.
- Not like that. Not like that. - KEITH: It's how it is.
- That shit's medical. - KEITH: Listen!
Tammy, you have already been fired. I have already terminated your employment.
You are at least 40 seconds fired...
so please exit the Topperjack's.
Fine. You know what? I'm gonna give you this.
- Tammy. - TAMMY: I got it here.
- KEITH: It's your middle finger. - No.
Poom.
Read between the lines.
I knew that you were gonna do it, so it's not as good.
- I get it, Tammy. - Poom. You get that?
- KEITH: What is that? - A little version of this.
Hey, don't let a deer hit you on the way out.
You dick. You know what?
Don't let these ketchup packets get stuck in your gross armpits.
- You'll have to buy new shirts, you dick. - Those are Topperjack's supplies.
You are no longer an employee of Topperjack's.
- Oh. - Yeah, that shit's contaminated now!
For overtime due, Keith. Overtime due.
- Tammy, just get out. - Enjoy the special sauce.
KEITH: Do not touch the Tower Deluxe burgers.
Those buns are still good. Just change the hats.
Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought. - I'm calling the police!
Uh, just thought you should know that the meat here is real shitty.
- Oh, God. - Real, real, real shitty.
- That's the truth. - That's not true.
That's not chicken. I don't know what it is, but it's not bird.
It's 110 percent chicken.
Bird doesn't come out of squeezy tubes.
My gut fear, it's mostly dick and beak.
- She's disgruntled. - You know what?
- WOMAN: Oh. - KEITH: Aah, my elbow!
TAMMY: Poom.
Later, loser.
(CHUCKLES)
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
Oh, are you...?
Shit.
You kidding me?
(METAL CLAN KING)
Aw, man.
Shit.
TAMMY: A little help? A little help?
A little help! Come on!
Yeah, karma.
Yeah, we'll see.
TAMMY: God. Hey, Greg. I'm home.
Think your ringer's off. I've been calling you.
That asshole Keith fired me.
Can you believe that shit? Like, who would wanna work there?
(ON STEREO) How much I feel
Feel for you, baby
What's going on here?
Hey, Tammy.
Wow, you're home so early.
- I'm sorry you got fired. - TAMMY: Shut up, Missi.
Why are you in my house making my husband dinner?
Uh, actually, I made her dinner.
You're gonna get your ass kicked.
You hungry? You wanna eat my fist for din...?
Ow! Shit.
I am so sorry, Tammy. You startled me.
Keep your dirty fingers out of my mouth.
You scratched my tongue.
I'm leaving you, Greg.
I'm taking the household money and getting out of here.
God! Nice, Greg!
You have to cheat with the neighbor?
You can forget about me feeding your stupid cats, Missi.
- I'm divorcing you, and I'm suing you, bitch. - For what?
For being an asshole. That's what I'm suing you for.
Why is there only $63 in here, Greg?
Whatever. I'm keeping all of it.
- Ow! Shit. - Are you okay?
I'm fine!
I feel great. Pervs.
Assholes.
You two deserve each other.
Shit.
Goddamn it.
Just don't touch anything.
And don't let her touch my underwear.
You know, you never made me dinner. Not even once.
And it smells really good too.
Yeah, I'll see you in court!
I hope you both choke on your shitty dinner!
Assholes.
Missi Jenkins is a whore!
And I kicked her ass!
Kicked her stupid ass.
Don't call me, Greg, when she dumps you!
Because I won't call you back!
No fucking way!
I'm gonna be too busy fucking models and shit!
Mom!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
TAMMY: Mom, open the door!
Greg's cheating on me, Mom.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
What a jerk, right?
What happened?
I went home after a shitty day, and Greg and Missi Jenkins...
are having, like, a really romantic dinner at our dining room table.
And Greg made it.
Okay, then I'm sorry. That's terrible.
I'm not exactly thrilled about it myself. I just need to borrow your car.
Why? Where's yours?
Mine is smoking on Highway 13 because a deer jumped out in front of me.
Can I just have your car so I can get out of this shitty town?
I will drive you to work. I'm not giving you my car.
I don't need you to drive me to work, okay? Keith fired me.
Little prick.
- Are we really gonna do this again, Tammy? - What?
DEB: Every time something bad happens, you throw a fit...
say you're leaving, you never get more than 10 miles outside of town...
you start feeling sorry for yourself, and you come back and throw another fit.
- That's not true. - It's a pattern.
It's not a pattern.
- It is. - That's not even what a pattern is.
A pattern is a thing that comes in pairs of two.
You just don't know science.
A pattern is a series of things or events...
that repeat themselves on and on, sometimes into infinity.
That's what a galaxy is. It's not a pattern.
- Fine. - God.
If you don't wanna help me, just give me the keys to Dad's truck.
- No. Absolutely not. - Fine. Then I'm gonna take Grandma's car.
- No, you're not. She is old and not well. - Then she doesn't need a car.
Right? You answer that.
- Don't go. Tammy. - Grandma, I need your car keys.
Yep, I heard everything, and I am ready to go.
I'm taking your car. I'm not taking you.
- You're not getting my car unless you take me. - TAMMY: No.
- Oh, yeah. What? - DEB: Mom.
- What, you packed a bag? - PEARL: Yeah.
Wait a minute. No one is going anywhere.
I am. I'm just not taking this asshole with me.
Hey. You're not exactly my first choice for a traveling companion either...
but you're the best bet I have to get out of this stupid house.
I'm sorry, Deborah, but it is a stupid house. And I hate it.
I love you, but I am not gonna die in this house alone.
You're not gonna die here alone. You're gonna die here with me and Don.
- That's a shitty thing to say. - That's a very shitty thing to say.
I meant it in a good way.
- What's a good way? - DEB: Oh, my God.
Never mind.
- Shitty. - Very shitty.
Your doctor says you have to take it easy.
Dr. Lansing is an imbecile. Do we have a deal?
No offense, but no fucking way.
I have $6700 in cash.
Bullshit. Prove it.
Yeah. That's gonna do it.
- DEB: Mom. Tammy. - You snooze, you lose.
DEB: This is ridiculous.
Don't call me at 2 a.m. looking for a ride.
- Yeah, I won't. - Mom. Please tell me you have your pills.
- Oh, Deborah, unclutch. - Goddamn it. I'm gonna call Brookview.
- I swear to God. - You do what you need to, baby.
Bye, Mom.
Not a good idea.
It's a little swollen. It's okay.
(HORN HONKING)
What's Brookview?
It's an old folks' home. Like a prison for old people.
Horrible place.
I don't know where I'm going.
I've always wanted to go to Niagara Falls.
Okay.
That was a stop sign.
Yeah, I'm aware of that. I know that.
All right, do you think we could just try to be pleasant? What do you say?
- How about a beer? - No.
- Um, whiskey. - Jesus, no.
Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.
I'm driving a car, Grandma. Do you see what I'm doing?
Just because you can't see through your Magoo goggles...
doesn't mean I'm not doing what I'm doing.
All right. I'm sorry. Sorry.
God.
You know what? Screw it. Give me a beer.
Oh. Yes. Okay, here you go.
One little beer can't hurt, right?
(PEARL CHUCKLING)
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(BOTH SHRIEKING)
- Lock the door. - Spin it, spin it, spin it.
I got it.
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
- TAMMY: Hello, cows. - Ha-ha-ha.
I'm sorry you're so tasty, cows.
I'm gonna fuck you up between two sesame buns.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Whoa! That's a bump. Aah!
(LAUGHS)
I stuck the landing!
(LAUGHS)
You wanna go ride a cow?
(GRUNTS)
TAMMY: Oh, shit.
- Where the hell are we? - Shh, shh, shh. Come here.
When I was a young girl, I used to feed deer...
right out of my hand at my grandparents' cabin. And there was this one deer...
Hyah! Hyah! Get out of here! Get out of here.
You never did appreciate nature.
Not when it totals my Corolla.
No. Thank you.
How the hell did we even get in here?
Oh, my God.
- You know what? - What?
I think this is some X-Files shit.
- For sure. - I don't know.
You know what? If we die out here, we're just raccoon food.
- Ha, ha. - It's not funny. I saw that on a show.
- Let's go. Get in the car. We're going home. - Home?
- Yeah. Home. - What?
You're always talking about how much you wanna get out of that town...
and we finally are out of it.
And then one little thing happens, and you just wanna just run on back?
(ENGINE STARTS)
Come on. Let's go.
Fine.
I'm not surprised. You always were a quitter.
- I'm not a quitter. - Yes, you are.
Yeah? Really? Does a quitter do this?
- Aah! God, I got it stuck. - It's all right. Go ahead. Push.
- That's it. Little bit more. - It's crushing it.
- That's okay. Crush it. You got it. - I am not a quitter!
- You're a doer. - I am a doer.
That's it. That's it.
(ENGINE REVVING & TAMMY SCREAMING)
You got it. You got it.
- Do it. Do it. There you go. - Aah!
I am not a quitter!
- PEARL: Oh, Shit. - Aah!
Who's a quitter now?
- TAMMY: Aah! - PEARL: Whoa.
TAMMY: Oh.
Sorry about that!
You should wear a helmet. FYI.
Whoa.
- Oh, God. - "Mark Twan National Forest."
- Where are we? - PEARL: We're in Missouri.
We went in the wrong direction. And you do know who Mark Twain is, right?
I know who he is.
Good guy.
He's a good guy.
Okay, Tammy.
- Tammy, listen up. - What?
Well, you're at a crossroads, right?
You could change the trajectory of your whole life.
You've got time. I've got money.
You don't wanna go back to that town. You deserve to have a little fun.
Right?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
There's no alcohol on the dock.
It's my juice.
(WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)
(WHOOPING)
One hand!
- Well, that's not safe. - No.
I am ripping shit up!
Yeah!
Enjoy my spray! Because I'm spraying you!
Slow down!
(TAMMY WHOOPS)
Look at that. She is so brave.
Coming in hot! I am coming in smoking hot!
Smoking hot!
(WHOOPS)
Might be too hot! Throttle's jammed! Too hot!
Oh, my God. Tammy? Tammy!
Tammy! Oh, my God. You scared the shit out of me.
I can't believe this.
Aw, shit. I lost my glasses. Shit.
Are you kidding? Forty-eight hundred dollars?
Is that your scam? Huh? You like taking money from little old ladies?
You break it, you buy it. You're lucky I don't call the police.
That machine malfunctioned on me. You're gonna be hearing from my lawyer.
All right, just stop it, Tammy. Here you go, $4800.
Don't give him cash. Put it on your card and dispute it later. I do it all the time.
I don't believe in credit cards. Cash is real.
You should be charging shit like crazy, because you're old.
- By the time they come to get it, you might not... - PEARL: Go in the car.
- ...still be here. You could be dead. - Get in the car.
- I'm trying to help you with your business. - Get in the car.
- Hey. - TAMMY: Dick.
She's an idiot.
Muscle shirts are for muscles.
I said I'm sorry about the 4 grand.
Four thousand 800 bucks.
"Four thousand 800 bucks."
Pay you back.
There we go.
How much you put in?
Thirty bucks of gas, and we won $10.
Ooh, halfsies.
Hey, hang on, I wanna clean out the junk in this...
On the floor. Wait a minute.
There's garbage all over the floor.
You're taking your old-people pills and stuff, right?
Yeah. I don't need them, but, um, I'm taking them.
Wait a minute, let me get up all this junk.
We should frame this.
Okay, come on, get in.
- PEARL: I have to pee. - TAMMY: Why didn't you go at the gas station?
- I'm gonna pull over. You can go in the woods. - PEARL: Oh, no. No way.
TAMMY: So why do you wanna go to Niagara Falls, anyway?
Well, I was supposed to go with my daddy.
He was gonna take me when I was about 8 or 9.
But he got too busy working.
And then he got too busy getting sick and dying.
- So I never did get to see it. - Oh.
And now...
some 60-odd years later...
I'm gonna get to see Niagara Falls with you, with my granddaughter.
Don't you think that's pretty special?
I think so.
TAMMY: Are you sitting on a couch or a toilet? Because this is like a therapy session.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
Hey! Come here!
Yeah?
Look at this thing.
- Do you believe that? - No.
- TAMMY: Right? - PEARL: Right.
TAMMY: It's amazing. America, huh?
- Really, yeah. - Yeah.
It says he carved it with a chainsaw.
- Do you believe that? - I do.
I can't believe that's possible. You do that with a chainsaw...
and create that kind of artwork, the end.
You just... I think you should just slam that chainsaw down and be like:
"Look What I did."
Yeah, it's... It's cool. It's okay.
- I like it. - "Okay"? It's majestic.
- Heh. - TAMMY: It's not "okay."
I mean, that is super cool. You're just jealous.
- Oh, please. - What've you ever done that's that cool?
- Uh... - Nothing. Short list.
I watched Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.
- Wait, on his bike? - That's Lance.
I don't care which brother it is.
That's still lame compared to this.
Boo.
I had a six-month relationship with one of the Allman Brothers.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
Right. Yeah, me too. Heh.
- Bullshit. - Watch your language. It happened.
TAMMY: Oh, my God.
Did you really have an affair with Gregg Allman?
No. With Duane.
Who?
Duane Allman. The brother.
- Did you at least get to meet Gregg? - Of course. I got to meet him a lot.
I was on the bus for most of their first tour.
- What? - PEARL: Yes.
I have to say that's, like, one of the coolest things...
anyone in our family has ever, ever, ever done...
like, going back to when we were cave people.
Probably is, actually. I never thought of it that way.
(SCATTING THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND'S "MIDNIGHT RIDER")
(SINGING) I got to run to keep from hidin'
- Remember that? - That's good.
And I'm bound to keep on ridin'
- And I've got one more - PEARL: One more
Silver dollar
And, like, he goes low.
BOTH: I ain't gonna let 'em catch me, no
Ain't gonna let 'em...
Go low.
BOTH: Midnight rider
- TAMMY: Get your chin out. You do it... - Rider
- Not, like, in a weird way. - Rider
(BOTH SCATTING)
- And I got one more silver dollar - One more silver dollar
Little lower. You're off. Listen.
BOTH: Let you, no
Not gonna let 'em catch the midnight rider
- That's it. Better. Better. - Der-ner-ner der-ner-ner, bom
(BOTH SCATTING)
You know, one time, I got fingered by Boz Scaggs.
Tammy.
No, it's okay. It turns out it wasn't actually Boz Scaggs.
- PEARL: Okay. - TAMMY: It's a good bird.
PEARL: Yeah. Sweetie, it's a great bird.
PEARL: Yes, we're here. We found it. Yep, we're here.
You know what? I can smell it from the parking lot. I think you're right.
She says this is the best BBQ in the city.
Then let's have dinner and get off the phone.
Oh, no, sweetie. We can't. Thanks.
- We already checked in to a hotel. - Give me my phone. Bye.
- We'll see you tomorrow. - Bye.
- Love you. Bye. - Don't hit me.
- What are you doing? - TAMMY: Give me my phone.
- We're not going to see Lenore. - Why?
Because hanging out with an old lesbian is not my idea of a good time.
Oh, don't be silly. She's an amazing woman.
She's remarkable. She just lives life.
She just grabs it by the horns.
I mean, you could learn a lot from her. If you paid attention.
- Are you...? - What?
- Don't do that. - What?
- Ugh. - What?
What are you, gay for Lenore? You love her so much?
She is my cousin.
My God. Would it be so terrible if I were gay?
I don't care if you're gay...
Can we please just stop talking about your twang?
- I'm very proud of my twang. - Ugh!
(PLAYING "JOHN HEN RY")
Mm, mm. I am loving this brisket. How's yours?
It's really good. I love the bark.
- And I would know because I'm a bark shark. - Mm.
BIG AL (SINGING): Sittin' on his mama's knee
There are some juicy-looking gentlemen in here tonight.
- Ha, ha. - I think we might just get lucky.
- I might. - You might.
Don't know about you. It'd show Greg, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Ah. You know what? It's too easy for me.
I mean, I can go out there, and I can get any guy in this room.
- Really? - TAMMY: I don't know what it is.
But guys have always been drawn to me. Kind of like flies on shit.
You might in the future wanna say "bees to honey."
Why?
What is this power? I would like to see this power in action right now.
(CHUCKLES)
- Yeah? You ready? - Yes.
All right. You better get a notebook out and a sharp pen.
- This is gonna be a goddamn clinic. - I can't wait. You show me, girl.
- Pay attention. - Uh-huh.
Go ahead.
I got two. I got two.
You wanna buy me a drink and slide some parts around?
I'm sorry. What?
- Like that? Is that what you want? - MAN: I, um...
- What? - TAMMY: Unh.
Wrong answer.
You wanna buy me some drinks and get up in this?
I'm gonna pass, but thanks.
Well, fuck you, and fuck you too.
Poom! Fuckers.
Stupid.
I think they were together. That must be why.
Oh. Now, that makes sense.
You can't work your magic on that, right?
I mean, I'm magic, but not...
It's cool. I didn't get...
Hey, I'm cool with your lifestyle choice.
- Yeah. Gay it up. - What?
I didn't know.
Here you go.
- TAMMY: Thanks. - To your honey.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Oh. Hoo. - PEARL: Mm, mm, mm.
Now, let's turn your honey back to the music.
TAMMY: "Turn my honey."
Mm.
I just got that.
I just got "bees to honey."
It does sound better than "flies on shit."
- Yeah. - Because "flies on shit" would...
- Mean you're... - Yeah. All right.
I'm gonna keep that cataloged because I use that a lot.
- Okay. - Whoo!
Mm, mm, mm.
(TAMMY WHOOPING)
TAMMY: I like your hat!
BIG AL: When he was a new baby boy
Sittin' on his mama's knee
He picked up a hammer And a little piece of steel
Three o'clock.
Got something on the radar at 3...
That's 9.
- Where are you putting your 12? - Straight ahead.
Look at 3. Three, 3, 3.
Oh, boy.
He's coming over. He's coming over. He's coming over.
- All right. - EARL: Hi there.
A little birdie told me you might need some more beer.
Well, that's one smart little birdie.
(EARL CHUCKLES)
You two sisters?
No. She's like 100.
(PEARL KICKS TAMMY)
- Ow. - I'm Earl, and this is my boy.
Howdy. I'm Pearl, and that's my Tammy.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Oh. Good grip. Thank you. - BOBBY: Mm-hm.
What's your name, Good Grip?
- I'm Bobby Tillman. - Yeah, you are. Huh.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, you are.
What do you do for a living?
I run my dad's farm.
- Cool. - Right.
Hey, Connie, can you bring some shooters over here?
This lady would like to get intoxicated.
- That'll work, won't it? - Oh.
So farm, huh?
BOBBY: Yep.
- Dancing juice. That's what we need. - Thank you.
(SINGING) Hey, babe, here I am I'm a man on the scene
I can give you what you want But you've got to come home with me
I have got some good old lovin' And I got some more in store
When I get through throwin' it on you You've got to come back for more
Boys and things that come by the dozen That ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle 'Cause, Mama, I'm so hard to handle, now
- It gets around - Whoo!
(CROWD CHEERING)
BIG AL: All right.
Ha-ha-ha. All right. Thank you very much. We're gonna take a little break.
TAMMY: One more time!
That was amazing.
Whoo!
We gotta take a break!
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
Ha, ha. Oh!
You need a cool-off. Right?
I am so sweaty. I was ripping it up out there.
Everybody was kind of really just working as a unit.
I kept calling you in. Did you see me?
- You looked great out there. Yeah. - TAMMY: Oh.
- Well, I can move. - Yeah.
Ha, ha. You're so bad.
- Dad. - Mm? What? What?
Don't you think it's time to go?
Well, look, Bobby, let's not be rude, okay?
I haven't finished my drink yet.
(EARL LAUGHS)
Now that's gonna take a little bit of time.
(EARL & PEARL LAUGHING)
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I come back, we're leaving. I don't care if you finish your drink.
ALL: Ooh.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
I'm gonna go pick up that hint he just dropped.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, is this the bathroom line?
(BOBBY SIGHS)
Um, what are you doing?
Just wondering where your wife is tonight.
- I'm not married. - Let's light this candle.
Whoa. Okay. All right. Come on. I do not want your tongue in my mouth.
Then where do you want it, man?
(DOOR OPENS)
No, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. You just...
- You're welcome. - Okay.
Not a chance.
Good set, man.
Thanks a lot.
Just ditching me in there.
Can't find my grandma anywhere. Do you know where she is?
I do, unfortunately.
Oh! God! Hey!
(PEARL GIGGLING)
- PEARL: Just go away. We're fine. - God.
I think she took my keys.
Did you take my keys, Grandma? Are you kidding me?
Come on.
Dad. Cut it... Oh, man.
- PEARL: Ee! - Oh, my God.
- PEARL: Oh! - I don't wanna know what that was.
Ugh.
That's a shitty way to end the night.
You're telling me.
Sorry I, you know, made that...
little pass at you...
- ...in there. - "Little pass"?
- Tsk. - That was kind of aggressive.
Damn it, I'm saying I'm sorry.
No, it's okay. I was flattered. It was just surprising.
You know.
Honestly, for the night as a whole...
it wasn't the worst thing that happened.
Do I say "thank you" to that?
- Yeah, there's a compliment in there. - In there somewhere.
BOBBY: Oh, God. Don't look.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - I just told you not to look. Why did you look?
I tried to save you from that.
Because by saying it, it's like an invitation to look.
It's like if somebody says, "Does this smell weird to you?"...
and they put it out, you lean in and you smell it.
You don't smell it.
But you do. You lean in and you smell it.
I would not smell something if somebody told me not to smell it.
- I can guarantee you that. - I don't think that's true.
(EARL GRUNTS)
- Dad. All right, enough! - PEARL: We're only at first base.
Oh, boy, here comes second.
BOBBY: Dad, this is not fair to Mom. Come on, man.
- "Mom"? - It's complicated.
Yeah, you think? I think so.
- Hey, Grandma! - EARL: Sorry, nobody's home.
- That asshole is married! - Come on, Dad.
- TAMMY: He's married! - EARL: Sorry, darling, the inn is closed.
I'm sorry, but he is an asshole.
I agree. He's a little bit of an asshole. I can't...
(BOTH SIGH)
Will you do me a favor?
My mom is home alone and she's sick, and I need to get back with her.
So do you have like a pen or something I could borrow real quick?
Yeah, I think so.
All right. Look. If they come out of there at a certain point...
just give me a call and I'll come pick him up.
Here.
Thank you.
I knew you were into me.
I got your digits.
Sorry, that was stupid. That was dumb.
BOBBY: All right, Tammy.
Thanks for holding down the fort. I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'll watch him.
Appreciate it.
- Thanks. - Good luck.
Thanks. Bye, Bobby.
Bye.
PEARL: Oh! Yes, Earl.
You know who she fucked? Duane Allman.
Yeah, she fucked the wrong Allman Brother.
Enjoy that.
- It's 119, Grandma. I said it. 119, 119. - 119. 119.
Could you not do...? Can I just have my shit back?
No, no. Come on. A gentleman always carries a lady's things.
- Oh, bingo. 119. You're right. 119. - Yeah, great.
So you wanna come in for, um...
- ...some color TV or sex? - Yeah. Mm.
No. We had a deal.
Yeah. Bullshit. Don't you dare. Don't you dare.
You are too old to be this strong.
Open this door, Grandma. Goddamn it.
Hey, Tammy.
- We need some ice, baby. Okay? - Yeah. Fuck you, Earl.
- Fuck you. - EARL: Aw. Ow.
- Come on. - TAMMY: Oh. Aah!
Oh, shit.
I gotta...
I gotta pee.
All right. Let's go for B2.
You piece of shit.
(BEEPS)
I paid for you.
Come on, you tasty motherfucker.
Yeah, now who wins?
Me.
Tammy?
Hey, Tammy.
Tammy.
Tammy, what are you doing out here?
Oh.
They wouldn't let me in the room.
You slept outside?
Oh, my God. Here, let me help you up. Come here.
- Thanks. - Yeah. Of course.
Oh. You're all dirty.
She took my keys...
and I just didn't want them driving off and doing something stupid.
That's why I gave you my number. You should have called me.
Oh, I didn't think you meant that.
I said it. I meant it. Okay?
All right, Dad, come on. We gotta go.
I'm sorry about all this.
Well, I mean, you didn't do it.
I'm the one who's supposed to be keeping him out of trouble.
I don't think you're very good at it.
- Ha, ha. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm tired. - No, I think you might be right.
Oh, God.
Tammy, what are you doing out here?
All right. Let's go, boy.
Dad. Truck's this way.
Gotcha.
- Well... - Well.
I guess this is goodbye again.
Yep.
I'll take care of that one. You take care of that one?
Okay.
- See you, Bobby. - See you, Tammy.
Thanks again.
Yep.
- SERVER: Get that out of your way. Sure. - I am so hungry. Thank you. Mm.
It's been such a long time since I've had a good servicing.
You know what I mean? Ha, ha.
Pass me the ketchup. Please.
You know, I didn't bring you on this trip to babysit you.
You are on this trip because of me.
Because of my car and my money. What's left of it. So you just watch your mouth.
Yeah, I'm too busy watching you screw crusty old men in dirty hotel rooms.
Oh, God, here we go. You gonna blame me for everything, like always?
I do. I blame you for shoving me out of a hotel room last night...
and letting me sleep outside like a dog.
You're on your second Bloody Mary. It's not even 10 a.m.
This is vegetables.
I blame you for packing up your shit and making me come home from school when I was 10...
and finding an empty room, that's what I blame you for.
You know how shitty that was for a little kid? You left me all alone.
- Your parents were there. - TAMMY: It's not the same.
You were my best friend, and you just left me.
I'm probably gonna need a tetanus shot because I got nipped by a raccoon last night.
All right. Tammy, I know I've done some wrong things in my life...
but you don't know everything.
I know I don't need you, and I don't need your money.
- But I'm gonna take your car. - What?
- Let's see how you like getting left. - Don't you leave me here.
You cannot leave me here. You come back here.
All right, now sit down.
TAMMY: Anybody wanna screw my grandma? Just get her a drink.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Hi, Mom. - DEB (OVER PHONE): Tammy, put Grandma on.
Uh, she's in the bathroom right now.
Tammy, she left all of her pills here.
High blood pressure, heart, everything. She's diabetic.
She cannot go unmedicated.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
- I get that. - Listen to me.
She thinks she can handle it, but she can't.
- Tammy. - Yeah, I know she can't.
- Bye, Mom. - I don't think you do, because you...
Tammy. Don?
Shit.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
You gotta be kidding me.
One. Two.
One.
- Two. - I told you you can't drink in here.
- PEARL: One. Two. - I'm calling the cops.
- You don't have to call the cops. I got her. - Oh. Well.
Look who came back.
Yeah. I came back.
- You did it, huh? - What?
Drunk by 11.
Mm. Ah. What do I win?
Car ride with me.
Come on. I'm pretty sure you've had enough.
You know, this is real cherry.
And guess what my secret ingredient is. Try some.
Is it whiskey?
No. It's whiskey. Ha-ha-ha.
- All right. Let me just... - PEARL: No.
- TAMMY: Let's go. - PEARL: This is mine.
- I need my beer. - TAMMY: You got beer?
Yeah. I got beer.
- They're still in the store. - PEARL: Bye.
Okay, we're leaving right now.
- Just get the drunk out of here. - TAMMY: You know what?
- All right. Watch it. - PEARL: Oh, hey.
- Hi. Thanks for the beer. - TAMMY: What?
Yeah, nice try. I'm not buying you beer.
No, you don't have to. I already bought it for them because these are my new friends.
This is Jesse. And the girl.
And we have an arrangement...
where I'm getting them the beer, and they're gonna give me a ride out of here.
How? On their bikes?
The fucking old lady promised us a beer, so give it to me.
Don't swear in front of my grandma, you piece of shit.
Hey, you're being a real bitch, lady.
Don't say "lady." I'm not that much older than you.
What do you care? If you don't give us beer, we're gonna turn to drugs...
I hope you do drugs. I want you to do bath salts and then eat her face off.
- Just give it to me. - TAMMY: No!
- I'll take that. - Cool it, Jesse.
Don't shake the beer. It's gonna explode. I thought you were cool. Stop it, Jesse.
- I'm not afraid to hit a girl. - Neither am I.
(JESSE & PEARL GROAN)
Get off me! Get off me, you fucking rat!
Yeah, nice jeans shorts.
(SIREN WAILS)
Oh, fuck. The cops!
TAMMY: Hey!
Don't. That's my grandma's beer!
Oh, God. I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry. That... - Uh-uh.
Put your hands up.
All right. All right.
Get your hands up.
Two pens. One half-eaten Roles. One lighter.
Hairbrush. One necklace.
Two bags of trail mix.
Forty-two dollars and...
10, 20...
23 cents. Sign here.
TAMMY: Yeah.
(TAMMY SNORING)
(STOPS SNORING)
(TAMMY SNORTS)
- What are you doing? - You were snoring and then you stopped.
I just wanted to check and see if you were still breathing.
I'm sorry.
Well, keep your fingers out of my nose.
No, I mean I'm sorry for landing us in here.
Well, it's not like you're the worst person in the world.
I mean, you're close, but...
I cheated on Greg.
With the ice-cream man.
You had intercourse with Jerry Miller?
No. I didn't do it With him.
I just let him play with my boobs.
You didn't do it for the free ice cream, did you?
Not at first.
I don't know why I did it.
I think at first, I just wanted attention...
and then I kind of got hooked on Klondikes.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm the worst person in the world.
Oh, I don't think that.
What's worse than Jerry Miller?
I tried to sleep with your father.
What?
I tried to sleep with your father.
Ew.
Nothing happened. Don was a perfect gentleman.
He put me back to bed before your mother got home. Nothing happened. Nothing.
Look, I was not in my right mind for many years because of the drinking...
and when I realized that I'd stepped over the line...
where I was actually thinking of sleeping with my own daughter's husband...
well, then I just didn't know what could happen and...
That's why I left.
Oh, my God.
- Grandma. - No, don't. Ow. They're fine.
- TAMMY: My God, they look really bad. - They're fine.
- MANNIS: Tammy Banks? - TAMMY: Yeah.
- Let's go. Bail's been posted. - Okay. Let's go.
Yeah. I bailed you out, but I'm gonna stay a little bit longer.
Just there's a little, um...
small glitch.
MANNIS: Let's go.
We're charging her with possession of oxycodone.
Well, she's got prescriptions for everything. She's old.
She had 32 oxycodone pills, and they were not prescribed to her.
Judge set her bail at $3000.
We don't have that kind of money. Jesus, she needs to get out of there now.
You know she's got diabetes and probably tons of other shit.
I've got diabetes. Glen's got diabetes.
Diabetes is a very manageable condition.
I don't give a fuck about Glen. I'm sorry. I don't. I don't know you.
My grandma needs to get out of there now.
Then you better get $3000.
- How am I supposed to do that? - It's not my problem, lady.
- Yeah, thanks a lot. - CURTIS: You're welcome.
- I didn't mean "thank you." - I didn't mean "you're welcome."
You're done here. You better leave while you can.
- Yeah, she did. Yes. - She did?
(PHONE RINGING)
(BOTH LAUGH)
- GREG (OVER PHONE): Hello? - Hey, it's me.
Do we have, like, a Christmas account or a savings account with...?
(MISSI LAUGHS OVER PHONE)
Is she there?
GREG: Uh, yeah.
Okay, bye.
DEB (OVER PHONE): How much?
- Sixteen hundred dollars. - What?
No, I'm not gonna fund your spring break.
Why hasn't your grandma called me back?
Could you just trust me for once, okay?
Can I just have the money?
What's wrong? Is it Grandma?
- No. I told you she was fine. - Oh, God.
I told you this was a bad idea.
But you didn't wanna listen to me. I hate to say it, but...
I told you so.
I know you're right. But I know how to fix this now.
How are you gonna fix it?
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello? Tammy? Tammy?
I gotta go. I know what I'm gonna do.
I can do this.
Be a bad-ass.
I am a bad-ass. I'm a bad-ass.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY OVER SPEAKERS)
TAMMY: Aah. My finger.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(TAMMY CLEARS THROAT)
Freeze. Nobody move.
(GRUNTS)
- Shit. Don't move. - Okay.
TAMMY: Don't move.
Unh. Dang it.
(GRUNTS)
Don't even think about it.
I'm gonna need you to put all the cash in a bag.
- Okay. - TAMMY: Hey, you. Get out here.
Keep your hands where I can see them.
Hey, just make it... I only need 1600, really.
- You don't want all of it? - TAMMY: No, just 1600.
My grandma's still got 1400.
- Just make it 1650. Round up. - Okay.
TAMMY: You, give me some pies. Give me some of the good pies. Hey!
- What? - TAMMY: Jesus.
I said, give me some of those pies.
Take them from the back so they're fresh. All right, you, go to the other register.
- Get the higher bills. Go. - BECKY: Okay, okay.
TAMMY: Reach to the back, man.
Don't give me shitty pies. You'll regret it.
No screwing around.
I got you both covered. All right?
But excuse me. That's your finger, though.
TAMMY: Is it? Is that just my finger?
I'm not sure. Is it?
TAMMY: Shut up.
I would... For your own sake, don't get sassy.
- Okay. Sorry. Yeah. - TAMMY: Okay?
- Just get pie. You want some pies? - I like pie.
TAMMY: Well, get a pie out for you, get a pie out for...
If you change your attitude, I'd like to give you some pies. On me.
No, thanks. I don't care for them.
TAMMY: Goddamn it. What did we just talk about?
I have a gun on you. I offered you pie.
He likes pies. He's got a gun to his face.
Anything I say, he's gonna like. I ask you. You want some pies?
I like pies.
TAMMY: Come on, that's what I'm talking about.
I feel like we're getting somewhere...
and under different circumstances this would probably work out.
We'd probably be, you know, good pals. Like, see movies and, you know.
- Yeah. - TAMMY: Like, find a hot tub or...
I have one at my apartment complex.
TAMMY: Oh, man.
Okay. That would be...
Fingers crossed we meet up again.
- Yeah. - TAMMY: All right.
Put a stack of pies for her, a stack for me.
- I think this is all of it. - TAMMY: Just get over there.
- Go. Don't walk right toward the gun. - Sorry.
TAMMY: Put pies in there. Put them in.
Don't creep up on me like that.
Larry, seriously.
- You like apple? - TAMMY: I do like apple.
But don't make me... I don't wanna have to choose between you.
Choose Larry.
TAMMY: Larry, she's telling me to take you out.
It's just, you're so much older, you know?
- TAMMY: Oh, my gosh. - I'm a veteran.
- TAMMY: That's amazing. - BECKY: Yeah.
TAMMY: I'm gonna have to put you in the cooler.
Come on, let's go. Today. Get your pies.
Let's go.
Larry, it's a real honor. I wanna thank you for your service.
Here.
Don't know if it's a blanket or a towel, but it'll keep you warm.
I'll call the cops in 10 minutes and let them know you're in here.
Damn it.
Shit. Come on.
Oh...
Come on.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh.
Ow.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Where do I go to bail somebody out?
- CARTY: Name? - PEARL: Tammy?
- Where have you been? - What?
- Uh, never mind. Yeah. - Okay.
Let's go.
- Well, slow down, slow down. - Okay, I'm sorry. Okay?
How did you even get out?
Well, I called Earl...
and he very generously had Bobby wire the bail money to the station.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
What are you doing with oxy? I mean, whose pills are those?
Well, they're mine. My foot was hurting...
and my pills weren't working, so I asked the Robinson boy if he had any.
- Eugene? Eugene's a drug dealer. - PEARL: Uh-huh.
Oh, no.
Yeah, he stands on the street and sells drugs in little sandwich bags.
- Did you think he was a pharmacist? - PEARL: He's organized.
TAMMY: Yeah, so was Hitler.
MAN (ON TV): --courthouse grounds over the next two years...
and upgrade those grounds throughout.
In other news, there was a robbery at the Oaktree Topperjack's.
Two employees were held at gunpoint. Michelle Li joining us live at the scene.
Oh, shit.
Authorities are describing this person as 5'2", white, female.
The robber had a navy T-shirt featuring a bear with "Mahalo" written on it.
The robber was last seen driving...
an older-model Cadillac, hauling a Jet Ski.
The suspect made off with $1600...
- That's quite a coincidence. Huh? - LI: ...and 13 signature pies.
Yeah, and she was super bossy.
But she did give us pies, so that was cool.
LI: We're certainly glad that you're sa...
What have you done?
Sit down. Right now. Sit down.
Well?
- Well, your feet were really puffy... - Yeah.
...and they looked really messed up.
I didn't know how else to get that kind of money.
And I was afraid if I didn't get you out of there...
something bad was gonna happen to you.
And I just always screw stuff up, and I didn't wanna...
- I didn't wanna screw that up. - Oh, sweetie.
My sweet, sweet, sweet girl. Oh.
I'm sorry.
Look at me. You have to take that money back.
If you don't take it back, I'm gonna turn you in myself.
You gotta take the money back.
You gotta take the pies back.
All right?
I can't really take all the pies back.
Why not?
Oh, okay.
- I kind of got into them. - Okay.
You're more bad-ass than I ever thought.
I think you take after your grandma after all.
Hmm?
All right.
- We'll fix it tomorrow. - Yeah.
We'll fix it.
- I'm not. - Yes, you are.
- I'm not wearing it. - I just made it for you.
It's full of grease. Look at this.
- Can you put it on before someone sees us? - You realize how much it clogs your veins...
- TAMMY: Put it on. You're killing me. - All right.
TAMMY: You have to argue about everything.
PEARL: Oh, that's kind of calming, actually.
Just throw the money through the window and we'll get out of here.
TAMMY: All right. Fine. Here we go.
(SCREAMS)
- TAMMY: Oh, God. No, I'm returning it. - PEARL: She's returning the money.
- TAMMY: I'm returning the money to you. - I'm calling the police.
Oh, no. We're gonna need more pies.
TAMMY: I'm not robbing you. I'm giving it back.
God, stop freaking out. Stop crying.
I'm returning this to you.
PEARL: Listen carefully. Keep the car running.
No, just relax. It's okay. Everything's normal. It's cool.
My, uh, bandit partner, she just accidentally robbed you last night.
She didn't really mean it.
And here's the money back. No hard feelings.
Are you the grandma?
PEARL: Look right here.
None of this happened. None of this happened.
Just relax. None of this happened.
Oh. What are you doing?
- TAMMY: You said "Come a-running." - PEARL: I said "Keep the car running."
- TAMMY: You need to be more articulate. - PEARL: I have a bag on my head.
And by the way, why does mine have no expression and yours has a smiley face?
TAMMY: It's not smiling. I'm showing tiger teeth.
PEARL: Oh, I thought it was a mustache and a smile.
- TAMMY: Just go. Go, go. - PEARL: Come on, let's get out of here.
TAMMY: Don't be a hero!
- Hey. - TAMMY: Hey. Where's Larry?
- He has the day off. He's pretty shaken up. - TAMMY: Oh.
Just tell him hi.
Okay.
TAMMY: Watch the curb, watch the curb.
(KATHLEEN SOBBING)
Oh, Jesus, she's crying up a storm. Somebody go hug her.
It's okay, Kathleen.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
TAMMY: Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Niagara Falls, here we come!
Not in this car. We're gonna go down straight and then take a right.
- What? - Yeah.
PEARL: Oh, Lenore.
- Hey. - Hey. It's been too long.
PEARL: Too long. Sweetie, you look so great.
Aw. It's great to see you.
- PEARL: Come here. - Aw. Is this little Tammy?
Look at you.
Oh. Darling, last time I saw you, you were knee-high to a grasshopper.
- Yeah, I'm taller. - LENORE: Yes, you are.
- You don't remember me, do you? - No, I do.
- You wanna see some ID? Family album? - TAMMY: Ha, ha.
- She got a sense of humor? - Yes. Sometimes.
- Oh, darling. How's your mom? - TAMMY: Good, I think.
You know, not real thrilled with us at the moment.
Yeah, Pearly filled me in.
You knocked over a Topperjack's?
- Grandma. - Lenore's cool.
That the vehicle you perpetrated your crime with?
- TAMMY: Yeah. - LENORE: Okay.
This is what we're gonna do. Get in there and take everything out.
Clean everything out of it, all the evidence, okay?
You're on the lam.
You're a fugitive from justice. Think about it that way.
- Jesus. - And we'll pull that trailer off.
- And I'll pop those plates, okay? - Okay, what do you want me to do?
Oh, honey, why don't you hunker on back down there in that RV, put your feet up?
- I got this covered. - Okay.
- Alrighty. - All right.
Ow.
Four dollars a gallon.
Thanks, Obamacare. Ugh.
- I don't think this is such a good idea. - LENORE: I do.
You wanna go to prison for robbing a store?
Well, I returned the money.
Well, I'm not a lawyer...
but I don't think you want the police getting ahold of this car.
(GRUNTS)
TAMMY: Shit.
I wouldn't stand there if I was you.
Oh, man.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
- LENORE: Buckle up. - Oh, my God.
Oh, holy shit.
Oh, I am so happy every time I come here.
Susanne.
- Hi. - Hi, Pearly.
PEARL: Oh, it's so good to see you.
So good to see you.
Isn't that precious?
Yes, I do remember you.
SUSANNE: Hey, Tammy. I haven't seen you in ages.
- Welcome, welcome. - Thanks.
- Holy shit, you guys are loaded. - Tammy, that is so rude.
Oh, what? This is like Falcon Crest shit and stuff.
I thought you owned a pet food store.
Yeah, well, I own 22 of them.
- No. - Yeah.
- Wasn't it, like, Martha's or Mabel's? - Merlin's.
- TAMMY: Why Merlin's? - Because I dig wizards, man.
- Oh, my God, I do too. I love wizards. - Get out of town.
I like them because they can blow shit up with their fingers.
SUSANNE: Tammy, have you ever been to a lesbian Fourth of July party?
- TAMMY: Not that I know of. - SUSANNE: Well, they are fun. Come on, Penny.
LENORE: So let's hear this again. I'm fascinated.
I just... I meant it...
I meant it as a compliment. I said you were super hot.
You know what I mean.
When I think of what a lesbian looks like...
- I think of somebody who looks more like... - Like me?
- Ha, ha. - Personally, I prefer the term "labisian."
(ALL CHUCKLE)
- We should talk about that shirt. - Yeah, okay.
- I love this shirt. - I know, but it's time to give it a little break.
- What are we gonna do for the party? - Please don't wear that shirt to the party.
Uh-oh. You're gonna doll me up...
and then I'm gonna have to be beating the ladies off with a lesbian stick.
(LAUGHING)
(OVER SPEAKERS) This is the time
This is the time Now it's time to go
PEARL: Mm. There you are. Look at you. Oh, my gosh. Wow.
You look so softened.
Oh. I don't know. Susanne made me put on Lenore's shirt.
It actually looks better on you than her.
Look at you. Oh, my gosh.
So nice.
Well, thanks.
Hey, I don't wanna be a bummer...
but I just wanna say something in a super-loving way...
but could you not get shithouse tonight?
Oh. Sure. Easy-peasy.
- I mean it. - PEARL: Okay.
- So you wanna dance? - No, they'll probably think we're a couple.
- Oh, it's too late for that. Ha, ha. Come on. - TAMMY: Ha, ha.
- Look at you. I love it. - Really?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(OVER SPEAKERS) I can't do nothin, girl Without somebody gawkin'
I used to think that it was me But now I see it wasn't
(WHISPERS) Pearly! Pearly! Pearly!
- Oh, I need your help with something. - Is something hurting?
No, no, no. Oh, my gosh, you're a little sweaty, huh?
- I'm killing it on the dance floor. - I know, you're dancing hard.
Well, let's just try to glow less.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Cool off. Oh, my goodness.
Look who it is.
Hey, Tammy.
- What are you guys doing here? - Pearl invited us.
Pearly, where's the dance floor and the bar? Not in that order.
- PEARL: This way, baby. - TAMMY: Grandma.
- Sweetie, have fun. Bye. - See you later, son.
Well, that was fast.
I gotta say, your mom and dad have gotta have a real weird setup...
- ...because I don't get it. - Heh.
They've actually been separated for a long time.
And she's been sick for quite a while...
and he still takes care of her...
so it's kind of complicated.
Yeah. It's probably complicated.
- Anyway... - Kind of spiffed up, aren't you?
I just put on, like, a shirt and pants. I'm not...
Maybe a little aftershave?
Is that what I'm kind of smelling?
I put on some cologne.
- You put on man perfume to come and see me? - No, I didn't put on ma...
TAMMY: Hmm? Ha, ha.
- I think you did. - BOBBY: Come on. I'm gonna get you a drink.
It's kind of a vanilla. Like a little...
It's not vanilla, it's regular. It's just...
- TAMMY: I don't know. - Come on.
I know. I know what it is. You smell like a cookie.
Shut up. I don't smell like a cookie.
- TAMMY: I think you do. - BOBBY: Come on.
(OVER SPEAKERS) Now you shouldn't even get into
Yeah. Oh.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah.
(KOOL & THE GANG'S "GET DOWN ON IT" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(BOBBY CHUCKLING)
How you gonna do it If you really don't wanna dance?
- Does that smell weird? - No.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
- I told you. - Oh! You made me smell it.
- I told you. - Why did I do that?
Because I told you, if somebody says, "Does this smell weird?"...
- I don't wanna hit anybody. - What was that?
It's a dog cookie. Ha, ha. I mean, a dog biscuit.
You tricked me, Tammy.
It's because I'm tricky.
I actually don't think you're tricky. You're kind of a straightforward person.
It's one of the things I like about you a lot.
Oh.
Thanks for bailing my grandma out.
It was really nice.
Of course. But, I mean, anybody would have done it.
No, not really.
They wouldn't have. So it was...
Thanks.
Well, I'm glad I could help.
I like your hair like this, by the way. It's nice.
I don't know. Susanne did this weird clampy thing.
No, it's pretty.
You look really pretty.
Thanks.
I know this is stupid, but I'm still married.
And it's a shitty marriage...
and it's over, but it wasn't all Greg's fault.
I was kind of an awful wife.
- You know, I just don't wanna add to the... - No, it's okay.
- It's, you know... I'm sorry. - No. Don't.
You're right. I didn't mean to, you know...
Anyway.
You know, I get it.
You know, you get a little taste of Tammy, and then you...
kind of come clamoring back for more.
- You get it? Really? Ha, ha. - Yeah.
I'm like a Cheeto. You can't eat just one.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Tammy, that's Lay's potato chips. That's not Cheetos.
No, not for me. I love a Cheeto.
Tammy, Bobby. Come on, you two.
You're gonna wanna see this. Come on.
- Oh, all right. - Okay.
- SUSANNE: Come on. Chop-chop. - TAMMY: We're coming.
Get your asses down here.
TAMMY: Hey, what did you do with the Jet Ski?
LENORE: Viking burial. It's trashed.
Viking burial.
ALL: Viking burial!
(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
Okay. Would you like to do the honors? It's your craft.
Yeah, but you love blowing shit up, so...
Yeah, I do. God help me, I do so love it.
- Go, baby. - Get on, Lenore.
The tribe has spoken.
Although we did not have the opportunity...
to feel your mighty engines thrum between our thighs...
we salute your watery prowess...
and we commend your spirit to Valhalla.
- Valhalla! - ALL: Valhalla!
(CROWD CHEERING)
SUSANNE: Go, baby. Go, baby. Go, baby.
(ALL CHEERING)
- LENORE: Viking burial! - TAMMY: Viking!
Viking burial!
PEARL: Oh, lesbians! Attention, everybody.
- Oh, shit, Grandma. - PEARL: Hi, my name is Pearl Baizen.
Excuse me.
And I wanna take this opportunity to thank my cousin Lenore...
and the beautiful Susanne for this kick-ass party.
Yeah! Yeah.
Mm, mm, mm.
And I just wanna say happy Fourth of July!
(PEARL & CROWD CHEERING)
Amen, Pearl. Amen.
All right, enough of that. Seriously, folks.
I wanna give a little birthday gift to America.
I don't know how old America is right now, but I just wanna say...
happy birthday, America.
- Beep. - Shit.
(CROWD CHEERING)
- WOMAN: Do it again! - Yes.
- Those are beauties. Really beauties. - TAMMY: Let's go. You're done.
You're done. You're drunk.
What the fuck did you do? Go get me another drink right now.
You said you weren't gonna drink.
I said I wasn't gonna drink. Get me a drink. Come on.
May I introduce my granddaughter, Hamburger? What are you doing?
Cheeseburger, sorry. She's actually Cheeseburger.
Hey, hey, hey. What? What?
- Don't tell me what to do. - Just get off the...
I don't want some fat loser telling me what to do.
You're just being an asshole because you're drunk, and it's not okay.
Hey, we're all drunk, Tammy.
- She didn't mean anything by it. - I absolutely do mean it.
I totally understand. I don't blame Greg.
I would leave her too. I mean, I wouldn't want anything to do with her.
Look at her. Come on, everybody, people. Oh...
Look at that. Ugh. What?
What?
At least I didn't try to fuck my daughter's husband.
- How'd you know about that? - TAMMY: Fuck you.
What?
- Always something with her. - TAMMY: You fucking drunk.
- LENORE: Okay. We're having fun. - All right, let's get the party going.
- Why's everybody being so quiet? - LENORE: We gotta go. Here we go.
What? What? All right. What did I say? What did I say?
Thank you, Sanne, everybody. Whoa.
(PEARL LAUGHS)
LENORE: There you are.
I've been looking all over creation for you.
Quite a show you two put on.
I didn't start anything.
Well, you sure finished it, though, didn't you?
What was I supposed to do? Just stand there while she said shitty things to me?
- It's not fair. - What the hell does fair have to do with it?
I got a big news flash for you, Tammy.
Life isn't fair. You're gonna have to scrape and claw for everything you want...
just like the rest of us.
You know, for years you've been bellyaching and complaining about how your life sucks...
but you haven't done one single thing to make it better.
It isn't magic, you know.
You can't just bitch and moan and expect shit to change.
You think this house just fell on my head one day?
I had to work hard.
You know, gay hasn't always been in fashion, my friend.
Susanne and I...
If you had any idea how hard we had to work...
We didn't have anything handed to us.
You need to grow up, honey.
You don't know anything about me.
You're not that mysterious.
Dogs are mysterious.
Ooh. Cats.
Birds.
Fish. Fish are the most mysterious.
And I've made a mint, thank you, Jesus.
But we're not mysterious.
Look, you know...
she shouldn't have said all those ugly things. I agree with you.
But she's drunk.
She won't remember it tomorrow.
Yeah, she's always drunk.
She's an alcoholic, Tammy.
She's sick.
You need to focus on getting your shit together.
Why don't you figure out what it is that you really want and just go after it?
Maybe you can help her out.
I'm gonna go blow up some fireworks.
(LENORE CLICKS TONGUE)
(SINGING) Suzanne
Takes you down to that place by the river
Suzanne
- BOBBY: Hey. - Oh!
- Oh, God. - Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why you coming at me, like, out of the dark? - I was... I'm sorry, I was just checking on you.
It looked like you were having a hard time out there.
Oh.
She kind of told me I was an asshole and to get my shit together.
Jesus, that's a little harsh.
I'm not so sure that she wasn't right.
Can't exactly keep complaining about my life and not doing anything about it.
Yeah, but you had a hard night with your grandma and everything.
- Yeah, that was great. - Yeah.
Heh. I don't know. I'm the one that let her walk off to the bar with Earl. I don't know.
I shouldn't have brought Earl here. I knew it.
But I wanted to see you.
Heh. Yeah, because I'm such a great catch.
No, it's not that you're a catch.
I mean, I'm not saying you're not a catch.
Just, you know, my life's boring, and you're a very not-boring person.
And, you know, I... it's...
Wow. You're kind of super bad at compliments.
Like, it's kind of amazing, really.
I'm doing my best, but I think you know what I meant.
I know what you meant.
I don't know. I don't really think that now...
is kind of a great moment for either one of... You know.
You've got your dad you're chasing after.
And I don't even have a car...
or, you know, a job.
You know, I don't think...
that putting two messes together is gonna somehow...
make an unmess, you know?
I guess I just think you're wrong.
Probably.
I usually am.
Well...
I should probably get out of here...
because my dad is now starting...
to flash his breasts to the lesbians.
Huh. Oh, God. Yeah.
- That's probably your cue. - So... Yeah.
- I guess we're goodbye-ing again. - Yeah.
(TAMMY CHUCKLES)
- Just wanted to mix things up a little. - BOBBY: All right.
(FIREWORKS POPPING)
I still think you're wrong, I gotta say.
I can't hear you. Lenore's blowing shit up.
(CROWD CHATTERING)
- Morning. - Morning.
Morning.
Quite a party, huh?
'Twas, indeed.
Oh. I'll get in on that.
Thanks for the ass-kicking last night.
No problemo.
- Where's Grandma? - LENORE: Outside.
Maybe I'll bring her a cup.
Can we call a truce, or do we have to actually fistfight?
Grandma, I brought you some coffee.
Hey.
Hello?
Grandma, I brought you some coffee.
Grandma?
Grandma? Grandma.
Grandma. Grandma.
Come on. Shit. Come on, wake up.
Grandma, wake up!
Wake up! God.
I'm so sorry.
Shit.
Hey!
- She's not breathing. She's dead. - LENORE: What?
- Oh, my God, what? - TAMMY: She's dead.
Oh, Robin, call 911.
- TAMMY: She's dead. She's not breathing at all. - You can't be serious.
What's happened?
She's not breathing, and I just let her drink all night.
- LENORE: No, no, honey. It's not your fault. - TAMMY: It is my fault.
Tammy, it's not your fault. Oh, my God. What happened?
(SCREAMING)
Pearl! Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Oh, my God, Pearl!
Pearl!
What the fuck?!
- What the fuck? - What happened?
LENORE: Go get her.
- Oh, my God. - SUSANNE: She's not dead.
- TAMMY: on, my God. - PEARL: What?
- TAMMY: Sit. Okay, okay. - I think she passed out.
- TAMMY: What were you thinking? - What?
You weren't breathing. We all thought you were dead.
You are gonna clean your shit up. You're gonna stop all this drinking.
Do you hear me? You look terrible.
Well, my feet... I don't feel so good.
Goddamn it, Pearly.
Nobody should die in a lawn chair.
TAMMY: All right. All right, don't shake her, don't shake her.
Don't bounce her so much.
Remember, she's not taking all of her pills she's supposed to be taking.
EMT: Okay. Thank you, ma'am.
Did I flash my boobs last night?
- TAMMY: Yeah. You did. - Did I?
Yeah. You were throwing them around last night.
Beep, boop. All the way. Yeah, Earl has them all over Facebook.
TAMMY: They look good. I mean...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I was mean...
Oh, I was mean to you.
I called you Cheeseburger. Oh, my God.
- It's okay. - SUSANNE: Pearly, we'll be right behind, okay?
- TAMMY: It's okay. It's okay. - PEARL: Oh, no.
- SUSANNE: We'll follow, okay? - TAMMY: Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Hey, officers.
Ambulance got here first, but she's gonna be okay.
So don't worry about it. Thank you, though.
Ma'am, we got reports that someone was burning a Jet Ski on the lake last night.
- You see anything? - Oh.
Uh, it's super uncool. I would never burn a watercraft.
- Oh, no. - No.
No?
We've also been tracking a 2004 Cadillac de Ville...
towing a Jet Ski that was involved in a robbery. Anything on that?
Uh...
You know, uh... Ooh, wow.
That's a Hawaiian bear shirt. You don't see a lot of those around here.
You probably see quite a few.
You're gonna have to come with us. Let's go.
- TAMMY: Oh. Come on, man. - Let's go, ma'am.
Stand back, ladies. Right this way.
TAMMY: I'm going with...
- I bet you see a lot of bear shirts. - OFFICER: No, no, ma'am.
- Constant. - OFFICER: Ma'am. Get...
- Are you serious? - TAMMY: Ow. There was a bee.
- There's no bees here, ma'am. - There was a bee.
You can't run from the law.
GUARD 1: Tammy Banks.
GUARD 2: On the gate.
See you later.
I hope not.
Hey, Dad.
Tammy. You rehabilitated?
- I guess. - Then let's go home.
Wherever that is.
Yeah. I'm not too happy with Greg.
Yeah, me either.
Look, um...
you want me to take care of that wiggly little motherfucker for you?
- What? - I'll go over there and kill him for you right now.
I'm old. I don't care if I go to jail.
They got magazines in there, don't they?
Oh.
I thought you were serious for a minute. Heh...
You're kidding, right?
Jesus, Dad.
You know we're at a prison. Okay?
I do not want you to hurt Greg in any way.
God.
You know, Grandma told me that she made a pass at you.
Heh. Oh, yeah, well, she used to hit on everybody all the time.
You know the ice-cream guy, Jerry Miller?
He was the only one who went for it.
Oh, God.
Let's roll. Mom's waiting.
TAMMY: Oh, God.
You don't have to go in there right now.
Now's a good a time as any.
- Hey, Tammy. - Hey, Greg.
Come on in.
- TAMMY: Really? - Yeah.
Well, see you kind of made yourself at home, huh?
Bold.
Uh...
Just wanted to, you know, let you guys know that I'm okay.
You know? With me.
Not so much what you guys did that's...
I mean, you know, that's really between you...
and that guy upstairs.
But I think he frowns on adultery.
I'd say that, so I think you burn, actually.
So I'm just gonna get my stuff.
MISSI: I, uh... I folded your clothes.
- So glad you're home. - Thanks for letting me stay here.
Oh, yeah.
You look good.
- TAMMY: Yeah? - Yeah.
- Prison agree with me? Heh. - Heh. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
Think it kind of did.
I got your room all set up so...
- Yeah? - DEB: Yeah.
Oh, God. I'm not bunking with Grandma, am I?
- No. Heh. She's at Brookview. - TAMMY: What?
Did you lock her up? That is bullshit!
- Give me your car keys, Dad. - Tammy, wait!
- I'm gonna remember that when you get old. - DEB: Tammy.
Hey!
- Hey, super-old guy, where's Pearl Baizen? - What?
Oh, God.
Come on, man.
Grandma.
Tammy!
I didn't know you were coming. Come here, give me a hug.
TAMMY: Look at you. It's worse than I thought.
PEARL: Why do you have to go so fast? All right, everybody. I'll be back.
TAMMY: I got the car. Let's go.
- Goddamn it. Ooh. - I'll get the door.
You could've killed me. What are you thinking?
Just stop. Do you hear me?
Oh, my God. You can still walk.
Of course I can walk. I was teaching an exercise class.
Why were you sitting in a wheelchair?
Because most of them are in wheelchairs.
Well, why didn't you tell me you were in here?
I didn't wanna make you jealous.
I mean, you were in jail, and I'm at this cool place.
And my AA meetings are here.
I made friends, and I'm seeing this 84-year-old from Philly.
He was a hockey player, so he seems younger but...
We've been going kind of slow, and this might be the weekend.
Ugh.
You look good.
Thanks. You look great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I was afraid to eat the meat in jail, so...
- That's a good call. - Yeah.
God. I am so sorry. So sorry about everything.
I'm sorry.
I was a total jerk to you, and I should've taken better care of you.
No, it wasn't your job to take care of me.
Little bit, it was.
No, I love you so much. I really do.
Well, I'm pretty great.
You are really great.
I love you too.
We're gonna spend tonight at Lenore's and get up early...
- ...and drive straight to Niagara Falls. - Call me when you get to Lenore's.
- All right, I will, Mom. - Don't forget.
- Mom, I've got it, okay? - DEB: Okay, great.
- Stay hydrated. - All right.
Ah. Okay.
- Well, thanks for fixing up my car, Dad. - Oh, not a problem.
- Just don't rob anybody in it. - I'm not gonna rob anybody in it.
Let's light this candle.
(LAUGHS)
Let's go, woman.
- PEARL: I got it. - You're strong.
Ooh.
Dukes of Hazzard-style.
TAMMY: Lenore stocked up the RV, so we're all good to go.
("DO YOUR EARS HANG LOW?" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Oh, God. It's Jerry Miller.
Ladies. Who wants a bone cone?
- Go, go. Just go. - Okay.
PEARL: Ugh.
So, what do you think, Grandma? It's a good day to go to Niagara Falls?
I'm ready.
My daddy always said that Niagara Falls is the closest thing to heaven on earth.
(ALL WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh!
(MOUTHS) Sorry.
What are you doing here?
So how'd you know to come here to Niagara, anyway?
A little birdie told me.
- Is the bird named Pearl? Ha, ha. - Yes.
So, what's going on with you, Tammy? What's next?
Thinking about getting my own place in Louisville.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Interesting. - TAMMY: Yeah, it is. Isn't it?
Get myself a sweet little place...
and, you know, maybe you can come over and watch a movie.
Do you guys feel how the falls are charging the ions?
- It's incredible, right? - BOBBY & TAMMY: Yes.
- Romantic. - Yeah, it is.
(TAMMY CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Well, my daddy was right. It's beautiful here.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
You think I should try to rent a barrel and try to shoot the falls?
PEARL: I think we should just look at them, maybe.
- Yeah. - TAMMY: Really?
I don't know. I got a good feeling.
I feel like I've been thinking about a course...
and if I just shoot out into the middle soft spot there...
it'll probably just pillow-carry me right over that Canadian lagoon over there.
I think if anyone could do it, it would be you.
TAMMY: Oh! Oh.
I thought I saw the Cheetos. It's not them.
You guys wanna get Cheetos?
- Hey, man. How you doing? - MAN: Hey. Good.
- What can I get for you? - I'm gonna have the iced tea...
and then the full rack of the pork ribs.
The full rack, that's a lot of sodium.
You wanna think about going half?
Oh. Uh, no, I'm gonna get the full rack.
I'm gonna say no.
I'm gonna say let's, together, make a better choice.
How about salmon? Give you a little cup of BBQ sauce on the side to spice it up.
- Better choice, still got zip. - I'm just gonna do the ribs.
How's your cholesterol?
- It's a concern. It's up there, but... - Oh, Jesus.
- I'm gonna take away the barbecue sauce. - MAN: Oh, man.
All right? Poom. You're gonna thank me later.
- I'm gonna fill that up for you. - Can I...?
I can't believe you're leaving me for that dick.
That dick is gonna have his own franchise in three goddamn years. What are you gonna do?
Come on, shake a tit.
- Happy hour's over in 20 minutes. - MISSI: Aah!
- That's how it's done. - GREG: This is BS.
This is a huge mistake.
You have got to stop yawning so much, Charlotte.
- DON: Are you Keith? - I'm Keith.
- Aah! - Poom!
KEITH: Help me, Charlotte.
You were right. This hot tub is awesome.
Right? Yeah.
- So how you liking Louisville? - I love it. I love where I live, where I work.
I love the man I lay with.
- It's A-okay with me. - Great.
Hey, Larry, this sangria is awesome.
Thank you. The secret's in the maraschino cherries.
Oh. I see you got a couple of maraschino cherries yourself.
- Oh! Ha, ha. - Oh!
Pew.
Pew, pew, pew.
Pew, pew, pew. Pew. Pew.
Hey, don't let a deer hit you on the way out.
You dick. You know what?
KEITH: You are no longer an employee of Topperjack's.
(ALL LAUGHING)
My secrets! My secret!
(English - US - SDH)
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