Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
Every eve of every hallow.
High time we made a stand.
And shook up the views of the common man.
The love train rides from coast to coast.
D.J.'s the man we love the most.
Could you be, could you be squeaky clean'?
- And smash any hope of democracy? - Hello?
As the headline says you're free to choose.
There's egg on your face and mud on your shoes.
One of these days they're gonna call it the blues, yeah, yeah.
Sowing the seeds of love, the seeds of love,
sowing the seeds of...
Hello?
Well, in view of the fact that there is no one
here to seek payment for this delectable frosty treat...
- Oh, my gosh! - Ah“
I am so sorry! Have you been waiting long?
Oh, no. I actually...
I had like a gallon of pink lemonade before my shift
and I knew I had to wee, but I couldn't because
I couldn't be late and I'm a professional.
But it was an emergency and now my life is in your hands
and we do have a half bath and we tell everybody that we don't.
We lie, but we do. We have a commode and a sink.
Would you like to fill out a gripe report?
Yes. No! No! No! I don't have any gripes.
- No, your... - Oh!
Hey, your... your secret is safe with me, Miss, um...
Goolsby, Miss Bethany Lynne Goolsby from Haddonfield.
Well, Miss Bethany Lynne Goolsby from Haddonsfield,
I say that we put this whole thing behind us
and we pretend like it never happened.
You're nice!
When you were born, what name were you given?
- Anson. - Anson, like Manson.
- Well, yeah, sort of. - That was weird.
- They totally rhymed. - It does rhyme.
It totally rhymes.
Well, will that be all for you tonight, Anson?
Um, yep. Oh, no. Oh, uh, yeah. Save a tree.
That's so nice! I frickin' love sorbet!
I frickin' love it too! It fully cleanses my palate.
- Yeah. - Oh, um...
Don't. Don't. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna give it to you for free.
- Hmm? - I'm gonna give it to you for free.
Can you hear what I'm saying?
I'm gonna give it to you for free.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.
- Milady. - Oh.
Oh, come back after the winter when you've found food for us!
I have found food!
Let's eat it!
I have been hunting and gathering at once!
I do all the jobs out there.
'Cause I have a big steed that I ride.
Oh, it's hard to get your horse to go in circles.
I've always wanted to dance a jig!
You seem like you could teach a jig.
Well, I was just being honest.
Never mind.
You can tell me anything. I hope you know that.
Um, okay, would it be weird if I came and visited you sometime?
Eh, no, not under any circumstances would it be weird.
It would be, it would be perfectly yes.
Happy Halloween, Miss Bethany Lynne Goolsby.
Happy Halloween, Anson like Manson.
Open hearts.
Feel about it.
Open minds.
Think about it.
Everyone.
Read about it.
Everyone.
Scream about it.
Everyone.
Yeah.
Everyone.
Read about it, read about h.
Read in the books in the crannies and the nooks there are books to read.
- Sowing the seeds of love - Sowing the seeds of love.
We're sowing the seeds.
Sowing the seeds...
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, is there a list?
List! Yes, it does matter.
Because it's fucking freezing outside
and I'm wearing this ass-tastic peach melba
fit & flare number, Heather. Be part of the solution.
No way! If I wear a jacket, I might as well not even
be wearing a costume, okay?
I'm not an Inuit, and plus, my nipples are poking out
like little Patriot missiles and that's the fire starter, hmm?
Fuck, dude! It's so cold!
I, like, can't even inhale. Fuck.
But I thought you were all over this.
Well, good, because I can't do everything
while I'm toiling like a white slave.
This godforsaken fish tank is gonna be the death of me.
Dumb bitch.
Because I have to clean the fish poo, Heather!
Yep, I'm a cock-teasing, fish poo cleaning...
Oop, shit.
Junior college party-crashing little diva bitty, and so are you.
Hey, we better be on that fucking list. Jesus.
The illegitimate distortion
of the historical record says that certain events appear
- in a more favorable light. - Oh, but surely you make jest.
Napoleon was one of the greatest
military strategists the world has ever known.
His codes were infamous! The Army of Portugal cipher.
Bitch, my cousin Deandre don't even have his GED
and even he can figure out the Army of Portugal cipher!
It was just a bunch of missin' letters.
Everybody know that!
Hmm.
Okay-
Nice.
That's right. Ain't no holes in my game, son.
Little Georgie shoved his whole arm up your boy's ass and said,
"Hey, everybody, this is Nappy. He's my bitch."
"You got any bright ideas, Nappy?"
"Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Oui! Let's go to Egypt! I want those pyramids!"
George Scovell was lucky.
He was a showboat and a nincompoop!
- You a damn nincompoop. - You're a nincompoop!
- You are a nincompoop!
You're right.
I am a nincompoop.
- Respect! - Respect.
You are going to ace this test.
From your lips to God's ears, my brother.
Bert, hello. Time to get up. Time to go home.
My phone is dead.
Possibly because I left about
17 longwinded-ish messages
for my, uh, my angel.
I thought...
You know what? I'm good.
- I'm an oak. - You are an oak.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'm gonna clean it up.
I am nobody's jerk, so...
Absolutely not.
Please be careful going up the stairs.
You're an oak. Tiptop. Use the railing.
God.
Yeah! He's had a rough night, wearing that.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe he proposed here, like, that's so shitty.
Got down on one knee and everything.
Had me float the ring in a ginger margarita.
- Tequila shot? - Pretty please?
You're gonna miss the shit out of me.
This is true. What am I gonna do without you?
Yo, that shit's nasty. Where's Julio?
He drove Melissa to the hospital after her water broke.
That hooker was walking with some quesadillas
and her shit just started cascading
- down her legs onto the carpet. - She's not a hooker.
Then she should be. The bar empty or what?
No, not yet.
Well, I ain't gonna be here all damn night.
I'm gonna go out and get me some candy and nuts.
Wink, what'd you lock the door for?
I ain't locked shit.
- Well, it won't open. - So?
So, it has ceased to serve its purpose as a door.
Then don't think of it as one!
Damn. Fuck outta my face.
Oh, hell, yeah! Genghis motherfuckin' Khan.
It's true. At least here I have you guys.
- We're in the trenches together. - Oh, fuck off!
You think any of us actually want to be here? Okay, stop.
This is still all about king of the dipshits, and I've had it.
He was a loser. Seriously.
You are better off without him and you know it.
You're gonna end up with some gorgeous doctor
with a huge dong and a Range Rover.
I refuse to feel sorry for you.
Winketta, do me a favor.
Stop eating for a second, go check the floor,
and bring Kerry and Cricket with you.
- Mmm. What's this? - Uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh. No, no.
You can't give a sista a little baby piece?
Nobody gets any until Kerry comes back here.
We're all gonna get together and we're gonna sing.
"For She's a Jolly Good Fellow" and next week when you graduate
we're gonna do the same thing for you, senorita.
All right.
I'll bring her ass back here, but I ain't singin' shit.
And y'all better not touch my nachos neither!
Your nachos are safe. Now go on.
I don't understand this thing. It's not even locked!
That's what I was sayin', homes.
- What'd I tell you about that? - What?
Going around calling people "homes" and "esse."
You said I should grow my lexicon.
I said, be the Mexi-con with the lexicon!
Now where is the disconnect?
Well, I didn't have any idea what you were talking about
to tell you the truth, but now I think I understand.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Do you really? - Yeah.
Because if you're just saying that
and you're still harboring confusion
'cause all you think about is ass...
Tio Chuy. I got you, man.
And I'm gonna be a pugilist and a gentleman.
One of the two wouldn't be bad.
Is there a shade past blue balls?
- Stop. - Yo. Chuy needs y'all in the back.
- Check this out. - Check what out?
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
Oh, no, they ain't.
Oh, goddamn! Hey! Y'all need to break it up!
You think this thing is a Ramada?
I'm sorry, are you trying to close or something?
Fool, we've been closed for half an hour now.
Y'all need to get your asses up and get to a Ramada, stat!
- I'm sorry. - Sorry.
We just couldn't seem to help ourselves, Halloween and all.
Come here. Mm m!
You are the dirtiest pussy I've ever seen.
Y'all need to skedaddle, now!
Okay-
I fucking told you!
Fucking blue suit!
Emo! What's an Emo?
Is this what I think it is?
Fuck, Bert.
I'm leaving you for Jez.
She's an emo.
She plays in a Siouxie and the Banshees cover band.
I'm sorry.
Okay, now.
Oh, you guys! I can't believe this!
I've never seen frosting on flan before.
You need to pull yourself together and cut this custard, girl.
Chuy, this is too much.
We know that you will be fulfilling
your dream of helping those in need.
Now, that's hardly a surprise from all of us
who've gotten to know you
and are lucky enough to call you friend.
Oh. Aww.
- This is from all of us. - No...
Oh, thank you so much!
I love it! It's perfect! Thank you.
Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, everybody.
Okay, on three, okay? One, two, three.
For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's...
I like roosters, how 'bout you?
I like pigs and donkeys, too.
I like cows and I like hens.
I like farm animal friends.
Farm animal friends.
Go, snort, snort, hee-haw.
Cock-a-doodle doo!
Farm animal friends.
Go, snort, snort, hee-haw.
Cock-a-doodle doo!
Farm animal friends.
Farm animal, farm, farm animal friends.
Farm animal friends.
Farm animal, farm, farm animal friends.
I like farm animal friends.
Winkie. Something's blocking this door.
Uh, go around.
I need you to find out what that is, please.
Hell no. My bunions is all flared up.
Come on, Winketta. You can walk me to my car on the way.
The freaks are out tonight and I am a tiny white
ice princess with natural boobs.
Oh! My pinky toe's all mashed up against my finger toe.
Hey! Yeah, I'm leaving right now, you concubine.
Oh, my God, Heather!
I'm sorry, I'm being a what? Shut...
Heather, did you just hang up on me?
Do you smell something burning?
What in the...
Hey, Cricket, tell Chuy to call the fuzz!
Aloha! Holy shit! Mamacita! No need to be alarmed.
I took metal shop in high school and, uh,
I know what I'm doing for the most part.
Which is what?
Well, I just welded this here door shut from the inside.
Cricket! Cricket, where are you, girl?
I think she's over there.
Whoop! Eleven o'clock.
Yo!
We don't need another hero.
I got combat skills, bitch.
Now, I do not doubt that. What is your name, please?
Fuck you! Let her go!
Tell me your name or I'll be forced to call you Roz.
Dude, you just totally read my mind.
Speaking of which, what the hell happened
to Harry Anderson after "Night Court"?
Live shows in Vegas.
His seats sell faster than Love and 0.
Well, suit yourself, Roz. I'm Stef.
The, uh, welding bandit bozo over there is my brother Anson,
and the lovely pussycat behind you is Mimi,
the future mother of my Hello Kitties.
Meow. Now back that thing up, bitch.
Ah, time for the backdoor, please?
Maybe nine minutes.
Front door's eleven and change.
You've really become an accomplished welderman.
Thanks, bro. I'll be able to un-weld that in half the time.
- Cha-ching. - That's a hilariously small cowboy hat
you have on your head there, my friend.
It was a game-time decision. Sometimes less is more.
- Agreed. - I think you look ridiculous.
Shh.
You know what, Mimi? You're a cat, okay?
You're a frickin' black cat. Don't judge me.
Opel'! Up, please.
You're not putting that orange in my mouth, motherfucker.
First of all, it's a tangelo and it's in season. Secondly...
So far, so pretty, you guys-
What do you say we head back to the kitchen
and round up the troops?
You guys stay here and get comfy.
You know, I think a bandit clown
with a big ax is pretty creepy. It's called counterpoint.
Plus the beard adds nuance.
You are so insecure, Anson, it's revolting.
Was anyone talking to you, Mimi? No.
Fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed.
- No one will be hurt. - What are you doing?
Some kind of joke? Come on, hey.
Everyone, thank you! Splendid.
We're about to have a lot of fun.
- Lads and lasses. - Overkill.
Yep. Here's the skinny.
We have got a variety
of wacky activities on the docket for tonight,
but the clock is already ticking so we are gonna need your
full cooperation if we are gonna pull
this shindig off in a funky way.
Now, we'd be willing to pull the fruits from your mugs
if you could follow one simple rule. Hush it up!
Or I'll be forced to stab you in the liver
with a Flintstone-sized beef skewer.
Now, what was the rule?
Don't be shy. Let me hear it. Please.
Outstanding, you guys. That was really, really good.
Moving on.
You should all know that the phone lines have been cut,
the front and back doors have been welded shut
and as most of you already know, I presume...
there are no windows in this cantina pequita.
So basically what I'm telling you here
is that the stage has clearly been set
for an old-school pseudo-European
gangster-style slumber party.
Lady lumps, have you collected the mobiles?
Hey, Siri.
Guess she couldn't swim.
You are a cheeky minx.
I thought you'd like that shit.
I do. I do, baby.
Uh, pardon me, per favor.
Uh, I'm the manager here and now I know you said not to,
uh, speak or else you'd stab me in the kidney, but...
Kidney, he said.
Well, I'm willing to give you every red cent
the joint has if you just let my employees go.
Let my people go-
- Go. - What are you doing?
Let me handle this, mija.
We're not leaving you here. No way.
Fuck that! I ain't going anywhere without you, Uncle Chuy.
Mi madre es tu hermana, vato.
Probably be in jail if it wasn't for you
and the songs of Rubén Blades.
You believed in me when no one else would.
I will not abandon you in this, your darkest hour.
- Our darkest hour. - Shh!
Oh, wait. I'm aces. Sorry. Never mind.
Listen, you're all very, very sweet
and I appreciate that and that's
one of the reasons why I hired you,
but it only takes one of us to open the safe
and I'm the only one who has the combination.
That's not true. I know the combination.
No, you don't!
- I too know the combination. - Please don't do this.
Yo. I could crack that remedial shit with my eyes closed.
Oh, hell no. All y'all is crazy.
- Hey. Hey, hi! - Hi.
Look, you got all the people you need.
So why don't you just un-weld one of them doors
and let a sister catch the next Metro?
- Wink. - What?
Wait. Why did they weld the doors shut?
Why does anyone do anything?
Come in, grab the cash, make a quick exit.
- Isn't that the drill? - In my experience, yeah.
So why the pseudo-European gangster-style slumber party?
- Why pseudo? - Seriously.
Like we're not good enough for the real thing?
What is the real thing?
Why haven't they asked about the safe already?
Because these cabrones aren't planning a robbery, are you?
Oh, hell no!
You guys are adorable.
I mean, the no-talking rule went out the window in a huge way,
but you're an intuitive bunch. I like that.
And does this feel like a robbery to you?
Does this smell like a robbery to you?
Honestly, it's not like anyone pays with cash
anymore anyway these days.
. Stop it! -
What the hell do you want with us?
We want everything. The whole chimichanga.
And a little bit of pageantry.
You're gonna kill us?
Big picture? Yes, that's a given.
No, man.
I should've known your nasty pasty asses,
comin' in here dry humpin' and shit!
- No, man! No way. - I get it.
- Please! Gringo loco. - I get it.
So y'all is some punk-ass crazy-eyed killers, huh?
Okay then. Come at me. Come at a sista.
'Cause I swear on my grandmama's grave
that I ain't goin' out without a motherfuckin' fight.
You hear me?
I'mma be throwin' some haymakers and some kung-fu style elbows,
'cause I don't play these games!
This is some sick white-people-only shit.
What the fuck are y'all doin' lickin' and sniff in' on folks?
The fuck? You really startin' to bug! Come get me! What...
Roz! If you don't pipe down, you're gonna lose your voice.
Bitch! Hooker, please!
Bitch, if you find some goddamn needle and thread
and sew my shit shut, I'm still gonna talk at you!
You hear me?
And you're gonna hear me loud and goddamn clear!
I will find you in your dreams
and I will hate-fuck you, Amazon bitch!
Get off me, ho! Don't touch me, ho!
Get off me, ho! I will sweat insults, bitch,
if you don't stop fuckin' touchin' me!
Get off me...
, - Oh!
Oh, shit! Oh! Puta madre!
Well, what the fuck is this move?
Hey, babe. I bit out Roz's voice box.
- You did. - Not much of a box now.
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, man.
Mmm.
Okay. What the hell? The cat's already out of the sack.
We're gonna eat you guys. All of you.
The raw, the cooked, one at a time until
we are so stuffed we can barely move
because that's who we are.
And tonight's the night we feast it up banquet style.
It's our tradition!
Every eve of every hallow.
- Sorry. - Yeah, we're gonna clown around, uh,
and we're gonna come up with names for... for every...
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
- ...every course... - Yeah.
- ...based on who's in them. - Like, uh, holy mole.
- Right. - Yeah.
- Right. You know what? Maybe a... - Psst.
- ...maybe a simple heads-up... - Shh.
Next time before you decide to grossly break protocol like that, huh?
Do what?
I'm fairly certain that what you did constitutes
nibbling on the living, and that is... ...that is not what we're about.
We have a mission statement, we have integrity.
Oh, what's the big fucking deal?
We were gonna turn her into stew anyway.
She wasn't gonna shut up, so...
Stef?
Ah, why don't we shelve this 'til later, you guys?
Hal Naturally.
Rules are made to be broken.
You stole my favorite line, okay?
"Every eve of every hallow."
I say that. That's my line. I say it every year.
Stef, will you tell her?
- You took his line, hon, you did take... - Because I don't have any!
You have to help Winketta. She'll bleed to death. Please!
That is a truly ugly picture. Pennywise, please patch her up.
I doubt she'll be available for the second half,
though, FY to the I.
Sorry, Roz.
It wasn't supposed to be a frickin' cannibal holocaust.
Just try to find your happy place.
Now, Spartacus, about your request to let the pups go.
You're a leader. You know what I mean?
You lead. Any fool can see that.
You have the respect and admiration of your employees
and that is something that I appreciate,
but it's that same sense of loyalty and sacrifice
that makes me a little bit skittish, Chu.
Hmm? Leadership intangibles.
Exactly. It's like having Gladys Knight or Edie Brickell
- under center for the opposing squad. - Ah, sports!
But I'm also a sucker for a feel-good ending.
Remember "Old Yeller"?
' Anyone?
Okay.
What are you doing?
I'm giving Papa Smurf a chance to save the village.
Did you ever play William Tell as a little bandito, Chuy?
No, it was mostly cowboys and Indians.
Oh, I bet you made a precious little Injun boy, didn't you?
- I was a cowboy! - Hmm. Progressive.
Not really.
There were no white kids in the neighborhood
so we all got to be whatever we wanted to be.
Well, today, I'm going to be William Tell
and you'll be my one and only son, Willie, Jr.
If I can hit the tangelo off the top of your head,
- I'll let your people go. - And if you miss?
You know, I had you pegged as a glass-half-full kind of guy.
Anson, my kin.
No, no, no, Uncle Chuy. Don't, man.
You don't gotta do this! Come on!
No, tio, no. You don't gotta do this, tio!
Ah. All right.
Here comes the airplane.
Open wide.
- Ah. Atta boy. - I can't overemphasize the need
for you to remain completely still.
Whoa. Hey, buddy, you are so hardcore right now.
Yikes. All right, brother. All set. Let's do it.
Let 'er rip, babe.
Lover, I don't play to win.
For the thrill until I'm spent.
Paint the black hole blacker.
Paint the hole...
I'll fuckin' kill you! I'll kill all of you!
- Oh, my God! - What the hell?
Well, I missed the target.
Yeah, but you hit the tree.
Mm-hmm.
Ah! Everybody stays!
- Hooray! - Fuck!
Well, that happened.
I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta
stake the king to take the castle.
Now, if I had to guess,
I would say that you are the chef
and you're not from around here.
- Oui. - Well, here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna follow me back to the kitchen.
If you try anything weird, I'll pour hot lard
all over your frog face. Oui, oui? Now go help your fallen idol, okay?
Lift with the legs. Make it nice. Show some respect.
Okay, listen up, Simone de Beauvoir.
- Yannick. - Yannick? Like Yannick Noah?
Hmm.
The sweetest calves of all the rackets men.
Well, here's the story. You do what I ask,
you play ball and you prepare a feast fit for
the royal family and I will give some
serious consideration into letting you live.
If you try to be a hero,
pain will very much exist in this dojo, my friend.
So, we are gonna play a little parlor game,
one that has only gotten better with age,
one that I like to call Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Everybody calls it that, pinchero.
Well, that's because it's so good!
Who the fuck is Kevin Bacon?
What? Hello! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I am laughing at you because that is so dumb. Kevin Bacon?
Uh, Kevin Bacon is the center of the movie universe,
and I don't want to hear any of this bullshit about Brian Cox,
because it's Kevin Bacon, it's always been Kevin Bacon
and it always will be. And maybe you'd know that
if you had an ounce of culture or any interest in the arts.
Eat a hot bowl of dicks, Mimi.
All right, now before we roll up our sleeves,
I'm gonna need some culinary background on you, buster.
And don't inflate the skills, all right?
If you're a one-trick pony, so be it.
Just shoot me straight.
So what's the story, morning glory? Crepes or no crepes?
What are we talking about here, buddy?
Use your words. Go ahead.
My great-grandfather, Claude Henri St. Eclair,
studied French and Moroccan cuisine
with world-renowned chef Jean-Jaques LePen.
He and my father Bob were at one time considered
the best sauté and charcuterie chefs on the planet.
And to make along story short,
my sick-minded doomsday adversary,
I once brought a 57-year-old widow to climax
just moments after she tasted my boeuf bourguignon
with country vegetables and just a touch of white truffle oil.
Any more stupid questions, you minion of Beelzebub?
What reason could you possibly have for working here?
Who was in blank with so-and-so?
Who was in blank with so-and-so? Who was in blank with so-and-so?
Was in... Argh!
Those are the rules. So, my tribes members,
winner gets to keep their legs and stretch them. Finish last...
Just get on with it already!
I am totally freaking out over here and I can't deal!
I cannot deal.
Tuesday Weld. Tick-tack.
This is boring.
Let's kill someone before I slip into a coma.
Mimi, why don't you go find some hedges?
Because this is fun and games time and I have the conch.
Tuesday Weld is a person or activity?
Wait. Whoa, I got it. I got it.
- No way. - Super fun. Go!
Tuesday Weld was in "Falling Down" with Robert Duvall,
Robert Duvall was in "Days of Thunder"
with Thomas Cruise Maypother, and the Cruise missile
was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon.
Michael Rooker wasn't terrible in "Days of Thunder."
Fine! But the movie as a whole could clear a room
because it was shit on a plate with no crackers!
Now tell me what I won, motherfucker.
Round one. Back me up on this, Roz.
How's that new collar treating you, my maestro petite?
Extremely uncomfortable and starting to chafe.
You sadistic three-horn succubus.
Your insults are surprisingly colorful, Yannick.
Shall we call this the Manager's Special?
It's okay, I know you're laughing on the inside.
Oh.
Mmm!
Credit where credit's due. You're good, Yannick.
- To the horse race! - Nice!
And Roz is still holding on, but frickin' barely!
- She's a warrior! - Okay, I'm coming in!
All right, you stay here, keep tenderizing,
and prepare the salad if you're thinking salad.
But if I'm being perfectly honest,
tonight's not really about roughage.
I'm speechless.
I totally underestimated both of you, especially you.
Manager's Special.
Dude, we have a couple of genuine cinephiles here.
They have nailed some really obscure shit!
- Fantastic. Where are we now? - Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Lillian Gish for all the marbles.
Gish.
Not really chewy at all.
- Mm-mm. - “Mm.
No. We struck gold with J.C.V.D. back there.
- You guys ain't seen nothing yet. - I got it!
- Fuck! - No way!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, okay, okay. Is, uh-uh-uh,
Bacon was in "Diner" with Daniel Stern.
Stern was in "My Blue Heaven" with Joan Cusack.
Joan was in "Say Anything" with her brother John.
John was in "Stand by Me" with Wil Wheaten.
Wheaten was in "Ham bone and Hillie" with Lillian Gish!
Wheaten was the... the grandson?
- Yeah. - Fuck me with a sand dollar.
By God, tell her what she's won!
All right, now don't get too cocky, but go ahead.
- Get up, stretch it out, do it up. - I'm so sorry.
Well, Roz was the big loser but she was at a clear disadvantage
because she was drifting in and out
- of consciousness the whole time. - You snooze, you lose.
You bit out her voice box.
What did you expect her to do,
pantomime the answers with the tied-up arms?
You know, not to mention,
y'all didn't pick one actor or actress of color.
She likes urban films.
Sew her up and start over with Morris Chestnut or Larenz Tate...
and see what happens, pendeja.
This unmasked luchador has a point.
Hmm. I think he's a little spic crybaby.
Semantics aside.
I for one am growing discouraged
by the prospect of fairness, moving forward.
Because while it may seem wry, given the situation...
I do believe in what's fair.
I've always been a fan of a well placed disco ball.
Any well-placed ball, really.
I don't believe Roz is gonna be able to participate
in a lot of the activities we have planned.
At least not in any kind of competitive way.
So you tell me, Roz. Does that seem fair?
And scene.
I'm so happy that it's you.
Romeo, a lovesick foo!
I'm so happy that I'm going to find someone who's realty great.
Uncontrollably uncomplicated, money and charm are overrated...
That's that sap from the john. I'll be damned.
Well, fuck, bro. Fuck! He probably called the cops.
No can do. He wasted his battery on some whore
who does not reciprocate his love and affections.
Wow. I completely forgot about him.
Yeah, probably the story of his life. Poor fella.
Aww. I'm sure you can relate.
You heathen bitch! You know, keep that up.
No, seriously. Keep that up and see what happens!
Okay, easy, bro. Just...
Oh, ooh. Don't threaten me, you little faggot.
- Ouch. - Faggot?
She called me a faggot. What are we, in high school?
Y-you keep that on reserve in that sweet little vernacular?
What about honky, huh? What about mongoloid?
You got... you got mongoloid on standby?
No, but I like it.
I think that might be my new favorite word. Mongoloid.
- You're ugly on the inside. - Okay, enough, you guys!
We're wasting silly, happy, fun times!
Just... just berry pie?
Why don't you go wrangle the stray for me?
This is so fucking lame! What the f... Argh!
I'm bored as shit.
Happy that it's you.
I'll make you a deal.
Go grab him, bring him back alive,
he's your squeaky toy for the night.
- How's that sound? - Okay.
Shit.
I think Mimi may be a sadist, bro.
- Yep. - Or an extraterrestrial.
Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have threatened her like that.
- That was way out of line. - No. It's food for thought.
I just fuckin' love that accent, man.
I know you do, bro.
I'd go as far as to say you're obsessed with it.
- I blame Jenny Agutter. - I know whose fault it is.
Full frontal in "Equus," come on.
Full frontal in everything.
- We'll talk about it later. - Okay.
I should go check on Yannick.
Let's get Roz outta here before she starts to bloat and ooze.
What are you thinking? Ribs?
- Rump roast. - Of course.
Hi. Hi.
Listen, I think... you're gonna think this is hyperbole,
but I'm... I'm pretty sure that my life is literally about to end.
Oh, man.
I was such a shit to Heather.
Say what?
My best friend has this huge crush on this really nice fat guy,
and all I do is make fun of him.
It's not like I really mean it, you know?
- I think I'm just jealous. - Of what?
She has the capacity to be so humane.
I deserve a better death than this.
Okay, well, look.
Then you better start brainstorming and shit
because these are trying times, guera.
If I can get free I'll fuckin' choke these jotos out.
Well, maybe you should have choked these jotos out
when they were holding us all hostage.
What'd you want me to do, drop those dudes right there and
- have 'em cut her head off? - Just stand and deliver.
What? That movie's about calculus.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I think there's something that could help.
Spit it out.
Okay, um, sometimes on rare occasions,
like birthdays, holidays, barbecues, I'll do a little bit of coke.
But I swear to God,
I feel so goddamn guilty afterwards it's like,
what's the point of doing it in the first place?
Because it's fun and it makes me feel good, that's why.
All right, you just say three Hail Marys and get on with it.
Okay, fine! I hide my stash in my panties, okay?
So it's in there with a razor blade.
You have a razor blade in your drawers?
Yes, Hector. My utter lack of common sense just became
- our best chance at not dying. - Now andele arriba.
Okay, but this could get hairy.
Eww. Try again. I just got a Brazilian.
It's practically winter.
Just hurry, fucker!
You be gay as the day is long.
You spread your wings and you fly, you fly gaily.
But be careful.
Please be careful out there because it's,
I don't know, but I think the scene is complicated
and there's always a secret language and mores
and things that you'll have to know, you know?
And I just want you to be happy and... think about me sometimes.
Like on Yom Kippur. Or my birthday.
Hola.
- Que tal? - Como estas?
Fuck! Okay! Stand up.
No.
Dude, you make me go under there
and I am going to fucking neuter you.
Oh! Whoa.
Wha... Oh. Ah. Ah.
Good boy.
Now, split your legs, arms out to the side.
Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
Uh, I am a hemophiliac, so that... you may...
that may alter your strategies.
Uh, uh. No fucking way.
You mean a... a bleeder? Are you serious?
Do not fuck with me.
Are you a bleeder?
Ah, it's not a hundred percent.
But I am fairly certain that lam the kind of man
that would clot properly under duress!
I don't even know what to do right now.
You are like a deer that got hit by a Suburban and didn't die,
and then some asshole truckers came by,
ﬂipped a bitch, parked, got out,
pissed on you swordfight-style
while your little deer legs jerked this way and that,
I mean... look at yourself!
I'm sorry, but you are just too pathetic.
I wouldn't go easy on you for all the tea in China, because...
Fuck China.
Ow! You fucking fraggle!
- Oh, I just died in your arms tonight - What?
Fuck. Get it out of there, just get it already! Fuck.
If I get swamp ass from all this running around,
- you're gonna wish you were... - Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!
Oh, my God, right there!
Last supper. I can dig it.
What are you do... What the fuck are you doing?
Oh, I was wrong.
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight.
It must've been something you said.
I just died in your arms tonight.
Oh, I, I just died...
Ow. Aah!
Au revoir, mon ami.
Psst.
I know it's unpleasant,
but do you remember the deal we talked about?
You mean the one where I get to live?
- Yes, sir. - I have seen all of your faces.
This is true.
We'll have to use the honor system.
I trust you. Anson?
Oh, yeah. He makes a mean nacho.
I think I could learn to trust him.
You think I believe this nonsense?
I do this for my friends!
Because at least this way I can make them into
something glorious and delectable.
That is the gift I have been given.
And that is the least I can do for them!
For you, I spit!
I spit on the ground where you stand!
- Awesome. - That was really awesome.
He was real, the spitting was real.
- That was really well played. - That's more like it.
Now we're gonna switch gears
from the raw to the perfectly broiled.
And I was thinking roast, but we don't have all night.
So why don't you grab the meat
you think would be the most tender
and then do something with a mole sauce?
- It's only right. - It's just.
And don't be shy about experimenting a little, okay?
We're game for it, believe you me.
However, under no circumstances
are you to put basil in anything.
If you use basil, I will turn you inside out, literally.
Am I clear?
- Oui. - Great.
I need ingredients, you corporal of the devil's royal army.
Well, then you make your list and then check it twice.
Aah! Ahh! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait! I have a Moped.
I have a Moped! I'll do anything!
You made me bleed.
No, no you give me too much credit, l-l-l...
Dirty Birdie, time to fly.
Ow!
Clap your hands.
That pinche guera.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, hit a man while he's down.
Speaks volumes to your character, pinche puta gringa.
I'm sorry. I don't speak poverty.
Now, keep an eye on this wanker.
If he wakes up and starts whining again,
I'm gonna cut one of his ears off...
and hold you two horny little loads responsible.
She tastes nice.
Do you think that Ben's constant misfortunes
are a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Or do you believe that a person could just be cursed or damned?
Hector. Focus!
Jump in the air.
Ah, ah, this... this is horrid.
It was next on Chuy's list.
He just redid the upstairs and the unisex bathroom, so...
Nice! Yeah, he seemed like a good dude.
Probably still be kicking it if
he hadn't stepped up all man-styles like that.
But that probably doesn't bring you much comfort, now does it?
Okay, anyhoo, uh, we need some...
"sea salb."
What the fuck is "sea salb"?
Salt, maybe?
Oh. Oh, that's good. "White panto beans"?
Look at this nonsense.
This guy can't spell for shit.
"Post-granates"? I mean, come on, bro.
Uh, uh, like, if you're gonna live off the old American dollar
- at least learn how to spell "salt." - Well, there is the stress factor,
what with the medieval collar and chain and all,
plus he has to cook his friends.
Okay, shit, man. That's fair.
I don't know.
I think we have all this stuff, except for the pomegranates.
The oregano and the paprika are over there.
Whoa. Little baskets.
Wait, what the... The Army of Portugal cipher,
the simplest code ever used during wartime.
Everybody knows that.
Who the fuck is allergic to basil?
Flan is really weird.
I don't know whether I like it or dislike it.
Something smells good over there though.
I'm so glad you approve, you witch bride of Hecate.
What did you just call me?
Five minutes, you guys.
Five minutes to get Roz's quasi-orthopedic fucking shoe
off of her bloated-ass foot.
Goddamn triple knot.
I caught the mouse.
Yeah, you did, baby. Where is he now?
Soaking in his own sauce.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
Now, are you gonna pull your own weight,
or do I have to do all your shit for you too?
No, I already did. I halved her.
Yannick can take her ass from here, literally.
There are no lentils anywhere, okay?
This is... This is pure chaos.
There's like spices with herbs, and just like boxes full of just shit.
Ha.
Uh, hello. You got some, like,
"Manchurian Candidate" shit going on in there?
- No, I'm good. - All right, look. I know that it...
it doesn't seem ideal but,
uh, I'm actually a pretty good listener.
So, if, you know,
if you have some stuff that's bothering you that's, you know,
like not directly related to the bind that you're in here...
I mean, you know, baby ears.
Well, I guess... I guess deep down I was kind of hoping
you would figure it out on your own, that you would...
I don't know, that you would just kind of feel it.
Feel what?
I think I might be crushing on you a little bit.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Well, you know, , that's kind of normal.
You've heard of Patty Hearst, right?
No. Um, yeah, yes.
But no, not like that.
Like this.
Okay. Okay, uh, complete transparency.
I met a girl today and I haven't been able to stop thinking
about her since I got here and...
Uh, okay, don't get me wrong.
I don't have like herds of women, you know,
that I'm fending off every... You know.
So, like, you don't...
you don't think I'm like a complete psychopath?
Can I be completely frank with you?
Yes, be frank, be completely frank.
I mean, sure, it's completely depraved
and demented what you're doing here,
and while bearing witness to
my very good friends' grisly executions
have scarred me for eternity, I do have a confession to make.
You have a confession?
Oh, bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Oh, yes, you're blessed.
See... the naked truth is that I also find your
complete lack of inhibition and unbridled, primal conditioning
exhilarating and fiercely erotic. You must be German.
I-I-I am German. I'm a German-American.
How'd you know that?
I felt it. Oh, my God.
My heart is beating so fast right now I think I might swoon.
Oh, my God. My heart is so jacked up too.
Mm-hmm. And right now I just know.
You just know?
Yeah, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
- Oh, that's so airtight. - Yeah, it's really intense.
- Can I ask you something? - Of course, God.
What exactly are you talking about?
- Fate. - Oh, fate.
- Brought us together. - So mysterious.
Because I guess I could put the thing
with Bethany on hold... Mm-hmm.
Oh, fuck.
I hate that bitch Mimi and the way she talks down to you.
I hate that bitch.
Yeah. She is a bad person, right?
Yeah, but not you. You're a romantic.
I am. I'm totally a romantic.
Oh, it's been such a hard year.
It really has.
I mean Mimi's totally thrown off the mix.
And I'm just not sure how much longer
I'm cut out for this game, you know?
It's getting way harder to find places without
security systems or windows. I don't know.
Oh, no. I've said too much.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You haven't said enough.
Yeah. Yeah, pinch it really hard, right on the bottom.
Like Lou Ferrigno.
Goddamn it, Hector, what is taking so long?
This razor blade's all dulled down.
How much blow were you chopping with this thing, gringa?
It's been a long semester, Hector.
Like you're a bastion for lawful behavior.
At least I don't have a permanent record.
Hey. That stings, all right? I've turned a corner.
I take all my hostilities in the ring now.
It's called an outlet.
Okay, well, congratulations. You're all growns-up.
Come watch me fight if you want.
Lots of times they serve snow cones.
Plus I'm undefeated.
- Really? - Yeah.
You fight any black dudes?
Yeah. Like, three.
So you, uh...
You want to maybe, um, go on a date with me?
Like a proper date if we... if we don't croak tonight?
You're, like, old enough to have
been kicked out of Menudo.
So are you saying there's a chance or...
Yes. I mean, yeah. What the fuck.
You've already been to third base.
Yeah.
As long as we don't have to eat Mexican food.
No, no. We can, uh, do Korean barbecue?
Yeah. Cool. That sounds really nice.
If you close your eyes and you still feel the demons.
Chewing at your brain and gnawing your shoe.
Just tel! Them to go and find someone...
Where do you stand on purees. Purees are general.
Oui, oui.
Your puree is out of luck. More of a standard mash...
What's happening to me?
- Am I dead? - Pipe down, gay Sammy.
We're in the middle of a powwow here.
Okay, okay, sorry.
Wait. Si r?
I'm gonna bleed to death maybe.
Just shut your ass and think of something plush.
Chewbacca. Chewbacca.
Mm, yeah.
I used to think maybe you loved me.
Now, baby, I'm sure.
Holy crusty moly. That is a rump roast, Yannick.
Baby got back!
That is tender as fuck!
What the fuck. What the fuck, baby.
Mm-mm-mm. My butt's in the air.
My butt's in the air for this one, baby. Mmm!
Tender as the night.
Mmm!
- Bam, motherfucker! - Bam, motherfucker!
Yannick, seriously, dude. Spill the beans.
Why are you working here, man, why?
Hey! Oh, you guys started eating without me?
Hop in here, brother.
All right, well, I've got some white panto beans.
No dearth of those around. Whoa, hey!
You hung the stray upside down. That's kind of neat.
Kind of an homage to the traditional Mexican pinata.
Mmm! Mmm!
- Is it not on point, man? - Holy shit!
And you know, we'd be halfway through
prepping the next entree if you weren't
in the pantry for a fucking hour.
Why were you in there for so long, man?
Well, I need to cool it down with you
and have a little sidebar asap, ASAP, as soon as possible.
Well, pumpkin, uh, I will be back in a flash.
Keep an eye on quarterback princess, will you?
I got this.
The bartender pulled out her sweater pups and
- you split the diff, didn't you? - I didn't split the difference...
- Come on. - ...but check this out.
- She put her finger in my mouth space. - And you bit it off.
She put her finger in my mouth space.
- And you bit her finger off. - No, brother. That's the kicker.
- Proceed. - Our sociopathic behavior and
our fetish for human ﬂesh makes her all horny.
She used the word horny from the '70s?
Talk about looking for the fastball and getting hosed...
- Ooh. - ...with the knuckle curve.
- Sports. - She gave me the kissy face.
She gave you the kissy face?
She gave me the kissy face.
She gave you the kissy face!
She gave me the kissy face, she gave me...
She gave you the kissy face!
Wait a minute, what about Brittney from the convenience store?
- Come on. - Bethany, Bethany.
- Bethany. Bethany Lynne Goolsby. - Sweet.
You see, brother? This is what I'm saying.
It's too much. Two in one day?
Yeah, well, it's too much for any man.
No, no, I-I was shvitzing.
- Is my face hot? - It looks flush.
You should hydrate with some electrolytes.
Well, buddy. I'm not blind, you know.
It's been tough on you since I brought Mimi into the mix.
I love you, and I'm grateful to you for making this transition.
Hey. It makes me proud.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, here I am, the big brother,
and you know I'm always coming to you for stuff.
- No. - No, it should be
- the other way around, you know? - Don't be ridiculous.
Who taught me how to play the mandolin?
I did.
Who taught me how to play the mouth harp?
- Me. - Who taught me how to play
the theremin?
- That was Dad. - Shit. That was Dad.
Shit.
But the mandolin.
- Yeah, that was all you. - Well, you've got the gift.
Thank you very much,
but pretty soon we're both gonna have nice girls, okay?
And we're gonna be playing folksy tunes
for them at our anniversaries.
But in the meantime I just want you to be cautious, okay?
This Bethany girl seems like a real sweetheart,
but the powder puff chick...
- Oh, come on. - I don't know.
It's just like you and Mimi last year.
Well, we met under similar circumstances,
but it was clear from the get-go that the Mimes was on the level.
Yeah, that's the understatement of the young millennium.
- Meaning what? - Meaning, bro, put her on a leash!
- Aww. - No.
She's like the Marquis de Sade with Asperger's.
Part woman, part razorback.
Just a little bit, but-but-but just try walking in her shoes
for a second, would you?
- I won't. - Just try it.
- I won't! - Try it for me right now.
- This moment. - Fine, I will.
Thank you. She's a bit taller. Can you...
All right, I can do that.
Straighten your back. Yeah. The swan-like neck.
- Oh, yeah. Aah! Aah! - Now what is that?
Why are you doing that?
Well, you gotta imagine fire coming out of my mouth.
No, no, no. This is an exercise in empathy.
Now you're mocking my girlfriend. Come back to me.
This is her maiden voyage, okay?
She's trying to find a place on the team.
She's nervous, she's defensive.
She's overcompensating just a little bit.
You've heard me say this before.
There are no substitutes for brown sugar or...?
- Enthusiasm. - You got it.
I got it. Okay, but you know what?
I am just a little scared she might kill me in my sleep.
There is no way that would happen.
Because if it did, I would kill her right back.
And then I would gouge her eyes out,
and then I would pickle your head and put it on a stick
so you would always be with me.
I'm getting to Greek tragedy now. It's a bit trite. I'm sorry.
All right, so what's my play with Kerry?
Should I put gum in her hair?
- No, don't do that. - All right.
What you want to do is you want to spend some time with her,
you want to find out if she's legit.
But remember she's your responsibility, brother, okay?
You got the ball, so...
- See if she's the belle. - Thank you.
You had some fun with Roz here, huh?
I did that for you, big brother.
Hey, Roz, we're gonna go in the other room.
You gonna hang here?
Hi-yah!
See? That's what I'm talking about.
Yannick? I know you and Roz were bosom buddies.
- She was one of a kind. - My sentiments exactly.
Be a shame to waste these getaway sticks.
They're like freaking redwoods.
You like, uh, chili?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
Ooh! We got plans for those dogs?
Look, this piggy went to the market, stayed for lunch.
I could use these in the next immunity challenge.
Trick or treat, smell these feet.
Oh, my goodness. I love that idea.
Take your girl, get it started.
All right, campers.
Before each of you is one of Roz's thick-ass tootsies
that I hacked off like a champ.
And the game is, lean in nice
and gnaw through your designated foot.
The first one to hit bone wins
a bathroom break and a shot of Baileys!
We don't have Baileys.
- Shit! Do we have Frangelico? - Yes.
And a shot of Frangelico!
That is unlike anything I have ever tasted,
yet still undeniably chili-esque.
Babe, you gotta try this.
My squeaky toy passed out. Can we set him on fire?
- No. - Like... friendly fire.
Please.
Come on, take a little nibble. Touch that toe.
Eat that toe. Look at that big toe.
You haven't ever tried it before.
How do you know you don't like it?
Well, how about you, Hector? Get in there! You're the man!
If anyone can do this, Hector can!
Come on, babe! I feel like all alone out here.
You wanna get in on this?
I feel like you're really holding back on me.
Oh, yeah. Come on, slut! Eat it! Do it!
What the fuck, you sellout bitch?
- I hate you! - Oh, this is so fucking awesome!
See? That's nice. We make out like that.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! All right.
Come on, Hector! Don't hold back! Don't be a little bitch!
Like you didn't chow on worse shit in prison.
Oh, shit! Oh, snap!
This is how they do it in Matamoros. Pinche! Oh!
Hector! No, no, Hector! No more. He's unconscious.
- We've gotta get out of here! - Fucking untie me now, please!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Okay. Oh. Here's my pitch. Okay.
Chuy just installed that little A.C. unit in the wall upstairs.
We push it out and maybe we can get out through the hole.
Holy shit! That's amazing. Yes.
Wait, wait, wait. What about Yannick?
- He's alive. So is Bert. - Bart's on his own. No.
Look. Okay, look.
You two get out of here, all right?
Call the cops, don't look back. I got this.
Hector, wait! Please, please be careful!
I will not go out with you if you're dead or all fucked-up looking!
Oh. Whoa! Did he just beat me with a foot?
Yeah, but you're okay, thank God.
Cricket! Cricket, you all right?
Come on!
You ready to squabble, Mexicali?
Not in front of the ladies.
Oh, well, fine then. Let's take it upstairs.
There's more real estate down here, bitch.
Well, but I really need to tinkle before I beat you to death.
- Wish me luck, babe. - Luck.
After you, Tito Santana.
This is turning into a snooze fest.
We have killed, like, like, two people.
Why don't you just... just try the fuckin' chili?
Whoo! That's more like it.
Oh, man, look at this big long table
right in the middle of our thunder dome.
Yeah, it's for quinceaneras and shit.
You don't look so hot, Lord of the Flies.
Yeah, it's bizarre.
I get this pressure behind my ears, Yannick.
Followed by a swelling of the lymph nodes
and a gradual closing of the windpipe.
I do not follow you, Old Scratch.
Give me that list, man.
Give me the list!
- Hal. - Got it, got it, got it.
Ha! Oh. My God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I knew you were full of shit!
Hal I pulled exactly the same move last year!
The difference is I walked the fucking walk!
- What the fuck happened to your accent? - I know. It's good, huh?
Stefan is a total fucking sucker for a British chick.
So you're actually two psychos for the price of one.
What a fucking bargain!
I guess.
Oh, that's nice.
We doing this like men or like pussies with axes and shit?
Yah!
No. No. I'm sorry. That was... that was mean.
Here, I'll leave this right there.
"Sea salb" and "post-granates."
It's the Army of Portugal cipher.
So simple.
Oh, fuck.
You snuck a dash of basil in there, didn't you, Yannick?
I myself have dabbled in the business of diabolique.
- Surely you jest. - A culinary prodigy like myself.
How else do you explain me working in this casket of shat?
I have been asking you that shit all night, Yannick!
You withholding asshole!
What the fuck is she doing?
I don't know, but you being in front of me feels right.
Ooh! Ah.
Okay! I float like a butterfly, sting like a...
I used to have my own bistro in Laguna Beach.
Only one house rule. Absolutely no substitutions.
Aah! Oh, yeah.
Nice on, cabron. Landed flush.
Yeah, it did.
It was a Thursday.
I was of course in the kitchen
preparing a six-course fugu feast
featuring the exotic puffer fish.
- That's the poisonous one. - Oui.
This idiot insists that the fugu skin
be drizzled with ponzu sauce for added flavor.
Yannick, you're gonna need to cap this story, bro.
I gotta castrate you before my face implodes.
All right.
Disco.
Bloodbath.
Boogie.
Somehow, poison from the liver of the puffer fish
made it into the zosui.
One bite later the son of a bitch was dead.
Oops.
Well, butter my biscuit, Yannick,
because you broke my one and only rule.
And you know what that means.
Fever!
Come on! Come on!
Fuck you, bitch!
Sorry, Kerry!
Getting on this bitch was a bad fucking idea!
All right, this is lame baggins.
How does that feel, Yannick? Tell me how that feels.
I'm sending you home, man.
You like it? Do you like...
Oh, shit!
When disc-goes to hell.
That's where we're at, where we're at.
- You're like a cockroach! - I'm a cricket!
Ow! Why would you do that, man?
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Way, Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Hey, why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Huh.
Disco this.
Disco that.
Disc-goes to hell.
That's where we're at, where we're at.
Shut your eyes, Liberace!
We clearly had a falling-out, Yannick!
No, no, no, no! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Fuck, Kerry, I'm sorry! You were supposed to fucking hold her!
I'm sorry! Get up! Get up!
Well, you really blew the shit out of that one.
Now, how shall we do this?
Is there a single scenario where I don't die?
Fine.
But no more blood, seriously.
I can respect that.
No holds barred, joto.
Please tell me you've seen "Road House."
You think this is fuckin' funny, you sick son of a bitch?
I do now.
Oh, Ruck. Whoa'.!
Well, that totally worked. Yeesh.
Oh, fuck.
It's time for one of us to die. You know this.
- Fuck yeah. - But which one?
I nominate me... and vote for me.
Fuck! Ow!
You don't call anymore.
You don't knock on this door.
Just picture you.
Out there without me.
Breaks my heart...
Oh, God, Cricket.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Hey!
Oh, God, fuck.
Miss Behavin' ran outta air.
Cry baby.
Ram
cry baby...
Oh, it's hard to take you seriously
with that humongous camel toe.
You're not funny, you asshole!
I have a long labial It's genetic!
This is what it feels like to die.
Now go to hell, and take your giant pussy with you.
Ah. Ha. This is for Cricket.
Yeah. I'm not sure if Mimi recovers from that one.
Yeah, she'd really worn out her welcome.
Yeah. Well, trust me.
You just saved Stef a fuck-load in couples therapy.
Aw.
I'm sorry about Cricket. You okay?
Yeah. Never better.
I'm assuming you took care of Hector?
Uh, yeah. Kid had chutzpah though.
And a hell of a ground attack. Yep, that's my bone.
The kid got cocky though.
He tried to bust out some old-school Swayze.
The kind of mistake he could have learned from
if I hadn't turned his skull into a kayak.
Come hold hands with me.
Uh, y-yeah.
Whoa!
Kriss Kross will make you... jump.. jump. Jump-
Oh, bro!
It looks like you... you took some lumps there too, huh?
You got a big ol' pumpkin head.
Oh, all right. Brace yourself.
I got some tough news. Mimi's dead.
I know, I know.
- "Babil." - I know... Babil.
"Babil."
I know... she's a sweet, sweet Babil, but listen.
We're gonna miss her.
But I gotta tell you she didn't deserve you, okay, man?
I'm not afraid to say it.
No, you... you have so much more to offer than that.
"Babil"! "Babil"!
Sea salb. Panto beans?
I mean, we brought up everything they had.
Hmm! The Army of Porthugal cipher.
The Army of Porthugal cipher!
She did this!
I can't understand what he's saying.
Can you? Can you understand?
I think what he's trying to say is that I'm the only one
who could have delivered the basil.
No, Stef! Stef, no! Breathe! Breathe! Breathe, Stef!
Aah!
You fuckin' bitch!
You lied to me! I trusted you and you lied to me!
Yeah, guilty as charged.
I'm not really attracted to dickless cannibals.
That's not true! I have a dick!
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, I swear!
Wagging) Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
Oh, Stef! Stef, breathe!
Breathe! I'm here, little brother!
You're okay! It's okay! Just breathe!
Hey! Please! Please! Please! Please!
I don't know what to do. I'll do anything.
He needs an airway. Tracheotomy time.
Well, you're... you know! You're a paramedic!
You, it's your responsibility! You have to help!
Yeah, I don't start 'til Monday.
It's okay. That's okay. It's okay, Stef. No, no.
I'll be here with you, little brother.
It's okay. I'll...
It's okay. I'm with you, bro.
I'm right here. Don't be scared, okay?
I'll stay right here with you.
Okay. Come on, come on. You've gotta help me, Bert.
- You're an oak, remember? - Oh, yeah.
- I cannot carry you up the stairs. - Well, I'm sorry!
I don't know why I'm still alive either!
It doesn't add up!
Fuck!
Well, that's not gonna do anything.
Are you out of your fucking mind? He's got an axe!
- Fuck! Just... - Hurry! Hurry!
I got it. I got it. Okay, okay, okay.
What is it? Did you get a gun?
- Shut up. - What is that?
Well, have you ever used one of those before?
- Bert, seriously, shut up! - Did you see a manual in there?
Oh, my God.
Listen, if that backfires, it could be very dangerous!
Hurry up with that!
You killed my brother.
Yeah, she killed both brothers, you dickweed. Ha-ha!
I'm gonna have to soak my finger in vinegar for a week.
Now burn in hell and shame the devil,
you kraut-berry-gib-lookin' motherfucker.
That was awesome.
All right, come on, Bert. Let's go.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I mean, he's dead!
Why are we hurrying now?
- Come on, come on, come on! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Come on.
You're all right. Come on, buddy. You can do it.
Okay. All right.
Oh. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God. That's just fuckin' ghastly.
This is the scene of the crime.
Oh, fuck.
This is where Laundrette said no.
It's all right, Bert. There are other fishes in the sea.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, like, what are you up to, Kerry?
- Not me, Bert. Not me. - Well, you said that really fast!
Come on, you son of a bitch! Come on! Got it!
Look at you. You're so athletic.
Right. All right, Bert, come on.
It's you and me, pal. Come on, Bert.
You can do it. Come on.
- Ow! God. - Come on.
- Okay. - It's so small!
Oh, you're small too. More like the bonsai than an oak
when you really get down to it. Okay.
Oh! Oh, it's wonderful! Oh, I'm flying!
You're not flying, Bert! Stay focused!
Laundrette! My beautiful Laundrette, you came!
Who are you talking to, Bert?
A woman hung me upside down and hit me with a frying pan.
Get down here so I can sit on your head bush!
- Baby? - Fly to me, Bert!
Here I come, my love!
Brace yourself for the landing, Bert!
Bert! Bert, are you okay...
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God! I can't...
Kerry? These chairs are not cool!
Oh! Jesus Christ.
Kerry!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, fuck!
That's for Stef! Oh, fuck!
Wait! I'm coming too!
Bert, I'm gonna take your Vespa.
Hal I beat you! I won!
Wait! Wait! Come back!
I have something really cool to tell you! Seriously!
Ah! Ha-ha-ha! We reap what we sow!
We got her, bro. We got her.
Oh, dear God! What have we done?
We're supposed to save lives, not... not...
Holy shit.
Kerry Derzius?
Delroy, bring all the stuff we need, man!
- I know this chick! - Jesus!
What, you... you know my name?
You bet your ass I do. It's me. It's me, Marty Clement.
Uh, we went through training together.
Am I gonna die?
'Cause that would be really ironic.
All right, listen.
I want you to sit tight for me, okay?
You sit tight right here. I'll be right back.
And then I'm gonna be with you for the rest of time.
Hey, man! What are you waitin' for?
I have a real shot over there! You're gonna blow it for me!
Marty! Marty! It never go down, sir.
You no see me. I smoke from 1:00 in the mornin'.
Man, are you... are you telling me you're still high?
Look upon my eyes, my brethren.
Sweet Christ. Put those back on!
All right, listen. Here's the deal.
I'll say I was driving, all right? That's the plan.
- I was behind the wheel. - Yo, sir. One.
- Uh, what? - Me owe you one.
You're goddamn right you do, man!
Just, um, help me get her on the thing!
Yeah, man.
All right, Kerry. I'm right here. I'm right here.
- Wait. No. He's gone. - Shh. Shh.
- He's... No, he's still in the... - Kerry. Shh.
You have to save your breath. No, no, he's g-
- No, focus on your breathing. - He's alive. He's alive.
- You know this drill. - He's not...
- You pick a focal point. - Please.
- Look at my mouth. - Don't...
At my mouth. Fuckin' mouth!
We're gonna lift on three. One, two... Oh!
Fuck! Son of a bitch!
All right! We're moving!
- Sorry, man! - We're moving!
Oh, my God! Oh, God.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Sowing the seeds oi love...
I know, I know, but you're my brother.
You have to say that.
Oh, this is absurd. My palms are sweaty.
What, am I like 13?
Shoot me that ﬂyboy smile again.
Thanks, bro. I'd be so lost without you.
Okay, wish me luck.
Indubitably.
In-du-bi-tab... lndu...
Would you like a bag for that?
I think we both know the answer to that question...
Bethany Lynne Goolsby.
Anson! You came back!
But what happened to your face and arm and things?
I have thought long and hard about this.
And I feel that it is a story best suited... for another time.
I can and will tell you that I now have to poop
into a colostomy bag... possibly forever.
I hope this is not a deal breaker.
Don't be ridiculous.
This is for you.
I love it!
Well, the ball is officially in your court now,
Bethany Lynne Goolsby.
Is it gonna be one spoon, or two?
Fa, lah, lah-lah-lah,
Lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah.
Fa, lah, lah-lah-lah,
Lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Don we now our gay apparel.
Troll the ancient Yule tide carol.
Sing we joyous, a}! Together.
Heedless of the wind and weather.
Fah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah-lah.
Fah-lah-lah-lah-lah.
Fah, lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah.
Lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah.
Lah-lah-lah, lah-lah-lah...
Try to bite my tongue.
Try to hold my breath.
Try to keep everything to myself.
Wei}, you shot a big poison arrow.
And it scares me to death.
But I can't think of nobody else.
I've been dying to tell you.
How you turn my head around.
Breathless.
Fighting for air.
Faking to my knees.
But I can't speak.
Baby, you're leaving me.
Breathless
if music is.
The food of love.
We'll play on and on.
And on and on and on.
And on.
Some people say.
That love's a feast.
You only know it's good when it's gone.
Yeah.
I've been dying to tell you.
How you take my breath away.
Breathless.
Fighting for air.
Faking to my knees.
And I cant speak.
Baby, you're leaving me.
Breathless.
Fighting for air.
Faking to my knees.
Oh, I can't speak.
Baby, you're leaving me.
Breathless.
Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org