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I don't know about you,
but to me there's something a bit funny about tortoises.
The way even the teenagers are wrinkly.
I bet that leads to some awkward moments.
"Oh, Brian, I love you so much. How old are you?"
"I'm 17. How old are you, Janet?"
"I'm 86." "Goodness me. You're old enough to be my grandmother."
"Yeah, actually, Brian,
~ "I ~ AM ~ your grandmother."
But the story I want to tell you,
although it does involve tortoises, it doesn't begin with a tortoise.
It begins with a man called Mr Hoppy.
'Mr Hoppy, the hero of our story,
'lived in a nice flat in an apartment block in London.
'There are three things you should know about Mr Hoppy.
'He's kind...
'he's shy...
'and most importantly - he's not that guy in the hat.'
Oh, are you OK, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous?
'He's the man in the lift.'
No rush, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous. I'm holding the door.
~ Take your ti... ~ Whoa!
Ah!
You care for a crisp, Mr Pringle?
Ah, yes.
Lovely.
'And don't worry if he doesn't look the flashiest of fellows.
'I've learnt that very often in life,
'it's the quiet, unassuming ones
'who turn out to be the most interesting.'
HE SIGHS
I'll have to fix that.
MUSIC FROM STEREO: A Kiss To Build A Dream On by Louis Armstrong
HE TURNS VOLUME UP
HE SINGS ALONG: ♪ Give me a kiss to build a dream on... ♪
'I think we can safely say Mr Hoppy lives alone.
'Either that or his family are very small eaters
'and all having a sleep at the moment.'
Bom bom bom...
'No. He lives alone.'
♪ Give me a kiss before you leave me... ♪
'But don't worry,
'this isn't going to be one of those stories where a lonely bloke
'wanders around a flat for two hours
'and then dies alone of a horrible disease.
'It's going to be full of passion and surprises -
'as indeed is our Mr Hoppy.'
MUSIC CONTINUES
Raspberry Cream, meet Wisley Vanilla.
♪ Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
♪ And my imagination
♪ Will make that moment live
♪ Oh, give me what you alone can give
♪ A kiss to build a dream on. ♪
The truth is there were two loves in Mr Hoppy's life.
One was his flowers
and the other was a secret love he kept all to himself.
And like so many secrets,
it was the most important thing of all about him.
Because Mr Hoppy was in love...
with the girl downstairs.
WOMAN: Good morning, Mr Hoppy.
Ah.
Mrs Silver.
Hello.
By the way, our story is mainly concerned with this -
the second love.
If you want to find out about the flowers, watch Gardeners' World.
I mean, I like plants as much as the next bloke, but this is very much
not a "will or won't the dahlias blossom before the frost kicks in?"
type of thing.
Oh, wait, I think that's mine. Hey!
Hey!
Another absolutely gorgeous morning.
Yes. Gorgeous. Absolutely.
Another one of them.
The sort of weather that makes me want to just
take off all my clothes and dive naked into the nearest lake.
Don't you think, Mr Hoppy?
~ Mr Hoppy? ~ Yes.
Yes, yes.
Perfect weather for jumping into lakes
wearing very little.
'Sadly, Mr Hoppy was so shy,
'he couldn't even ask Mrs Silver round for a cup of tea...'
let alone dive stark naked into a lake with her.
But he loved her.
And he remembered the precise moment he'd fallen in love.
'Which happened to be the first moment he ever met her -
'five years ago.'
Hold that lift!
Oh, thank you so much, you darling man.
Oh, they won't be long.
~ What floor are you? ~ Four.
Oh, isn't that lucky? I'm moving in on three, below you.
I hope you're not one of those rowdy types,
keeping me up all night with your hip-hop stylings.
No. But my name is Mr Hoppy, in fact.
Hoppy. Oh, what a gorgeous name!
And do I detect a little American accent there?
Well, yes, I am an American.
Oh, how divine. Oh, you're a gorgeous bunch.
From Cary Grant to Paul Newman,
I can't keep my hands off the lot of you!
Oh, I'm Mrs Silver. Lavinia. Facebook status - widowed.
Ah. My Facebook status is "I'm not in the Facebook".
No. Too busy living, I expect.
Oh, come in, boys. We've held the lift.
Come in.
Would it be easier if I maybe took the next one,
give you a little more room?
No, no, it's just getting cosy!
Wonderfully quiet lift.
~ That's very good news. ~ Yes.
I don't think anyone's actually pushed a button yet.
Oh!
I'm such a silly sausage sometimes.
Ooh! SHE CHUCKLES
You're four. I'm three.
Perhaps I should press two and one as well and give us
more time to get to know each other.
'He never forgot that first brief encounter'
and every time he met her from then on
just made him love her even more. Summer.
ELEVATOR BELL DINGS
Don't you just love it when summer finally comes?
Autumn.
Oh.
Always such a relief when summer's over.
Mm.
'Winter.'
This is so much my favourite time of year.
Spring.
Oh.
Spring at last!
Doing something special tonight, Mrs Silver?
Us midwives are going out for a good old knees-up.
Funny when you think of it - when we spent our entire careers
extracting babies from women lying with their knees up.
Oh... I... I didn't know you were a midwife.
Retired.
I just thought if I can't have kids myself,
I might as well just help others to have them.
How wonderful.
Well, perhaps you could come with me, Mr Hoppy?
~ You could waltz me off my feet. ~ Oh, no. I... I...
~ I'm not a dancer. ~ Nonsense.
There's no such thing as "not a dancer" -
just a person who's never found the right girl to dance with.
You're American, for heaven's sake - the land that brought us
Fred Astaire and John Travolta and...
that naughty little Justin Timberlake.
I know you can dance.
~ No, no, I can't. ~ Can!
No, I can't.
Can!
No, I really can't.
You bloody well can!
SHE HUMS HAPPILY
'He loved her and longed for her to love him back
'but there really were a lot of problems.
'For one thing, unlike Mr Hoppy, Mrs Silver didn't live alone.
'Well, she did for a while, but then she did something about it.'
DOORBELL RINGS
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh! Well, hooray!
This is honestly the most exciting moment of my life.
Come in. Come in!
'She just went and got herself a new chap.'
A chap called Alfie.
Well... you are more gorgeous than I could possibly have dreamed.
Oh, my darling. What heaven.
We're going to have such a wonderful life together.
'From then on, Mrs Silver dedicated all her love
'and attention to her wrinkly companion.
'And although he wasn't the world's greatest conversationalist,
'she did quite enough talking for the both of them.'
Look, Alfie, that's me on my wedding day.
I'm not so sure about that dress any longer.
Rather too much bust, I think you'll agree.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, and that chap there - that's my husband.
Look how tall he is. 6'3".
I only came up to his chest hair.
I never once saw the top of his head.
More a giant than a man.
A wonderful posture.
He was a perfect English gent...
and a prize-winning dancer.
Oh, he was so, so kind.
The things we were going to do. And the...
places we were going to go and the...
.. life we were going to lead.
Oh, that's enough of me gabbing on. You must be exhausted.
Time for your nap, my gorgeous.
I love you so much. I really do.
Even your little stubby legs.
SHE CHUCKLES
Our love will last a lifetime, Alfie.
Sweet dreams.
'Oh, how Mr Hoppy wished she was saying those words to him.'
Not the ones about the little stubby legs, obviously,
but the others, about love.
His life was now terribly complicated -
head over heels in love with a woman whose only interest in life
was a small tortoise.
If only he could find the words to convince her of his love.
If only I'd been paying attention. I think I'm on the wrong bus.
That's the problem with stories.
You get swept up in them, you lose track.
Does he get anywhere? Does she fall in love with him?
You're going to have to wait, I'm afraid.
PASSENGERS GROAN
Mr Hoppy knew he had to say something.
He had to tell her how he felt.
Hello.
Again.
Isn't this perfect?
Grab joy while you can, I say.
Oh...
You're right, completely right.
And I was... just thinking...
wondering, uh...
whether...
And the thing of it is, we've been neighbours for years.
You live alone and I live alone...
JAZZ PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES
I just wondered whether...
.. you know...
Oh, no, you're...
You're right, best, best leave things as they are.
On the contrary,
I think you've got a very good point.
It's high time we got to know each other.
How about dinner tonight?
~ That's very kind of... ~ Excellent.
I'll pop round about six.
Open-neck shirt, possibly, give you a glimpse of the old tan, eh?
HE CHUCKLES
Yummy.
So, Hoppy, it's wonderful to have a chance to really,
really get to know you.
Find out about the man behind the mask, as it were.
Yes, well, I...
It's so easy, in life, to pass people in the lift
and never really get to grips with who they are, where they come from.
~ That's so true. ~ So, tell me everything -
where you were born, where you grew up, what job you did,
love, life, back problems - the whole caboodle.
~ Well, start at the beginning. ~ Well... ~ Born?
Well, yes, I was born...
Never match my story, I suspect.
I was born in the back of a Volkswagen Beetle
on Waterloo Bridge.
~ Oh. ~ Dad went over a speed bump and out I plopped.
Well, that's his story anyway.
~ Oh, well, I-I-I... ~ It was downhill from there, really.
Dad was in sausages, we moved to Germany.
I spent from two until eight
feasting on frankfurters und bratwurst,
and then sent straight back here to boarding school.
You board?
~ No, no... ~ Got used to it, though.
Made a wonderful friend, Isherwood.
Huge feet...
tiny ears.
Are you done?
So there I was, assistant manager.
Only 23.
Still allergic to cats, unfortunately, but...
"You must be joking, Giles," I said, and walked straight out,
still in full Wonder Woman costume...
A whole octopus!
HE CACKLES
But that's enough about me - what about you?
BELLS TOLL
~ Well, we may have to do me next time. ~ Nonsense.
What brought you to England? The full story.
OK. Ah.
My parents brought me here when I was ten...
~ No, you're right. ~ Unfortunately... ~ It's too late.
Let's do same time next month.
It's all about you.
But don't let me forget to tell you about the Alsatian
and my corduroy trousers.
HE CHUCKLES
Well. That's the way it goes, I guess.
'Mr Hoppy went to bed that night feeling terribly alone.
'Knowing in his bones that he always would be alone.
'No Mrs Silver for him.'
Ow!
'He couldn't help but wonder,
'is this all there is?
'Old age is scary and all downhill.'
HE COUGHS
But the very next morning, a conversation occurred
that changed Mr Hoppy's life.
Good morning, Mrs Silver. Alfie's looking well this morning.
Likes his food.
Yes. Well, we both live in hope.
Oh.
What are you both hoping for?
Well, obviously, that he'll grow a little faster.
Every month I weigh him on the kitchen scales,
he never puts on an ounce.
Well, no, I believe tortoises come in different sizes.
There's nothing wrong with Alfie being one of the small ones.
Oh, don't be silly.
Just think how miserable it must make him to feel so titchy.
Mm.
We've been stuck on 13oz since the day he arrived.
Didn't you want to be taller when you were growing up?
I guess I did.
Yes.
When...
When I was a kid, I used to wear thick socks to bed.
~ What, to make yourself grow taller? ~ Right.
I actually read that "The warmer your feet,
"the deeper you sleep, the more you grow."
~ SHE CHUCKLES ~ But sadly, all I got was...
stinky feet.
Oh, no... Well, I was tiny too.
Oh.
And then when I was 11, a boy in my class told me
that kissing made you grow taller.
~ No! ~ Yes.
So I paid him sixpence every day to kiss me.
Well, you have to hand it to him.
And I did hand it to him. On a plate.
Every morning at break.
~ Mind you, it did make me FEEL taller.
A kiss does that, don't you think, Mr Hoppy?
I believe it does.
Oh, no.
Size is very important.
And Alfie's just at the beginning of his size journey.
'That was the seed that planted the idea.'
And the next day, it got a proper, full-scale watering.
Alfie any bigger today, Mrs S?
Not a jot.
But I am knitting him some little socks, just in case.
But I'm not giving up.
One day, I'll find the right food, and the right exercise regime,
and the right vitamin supplement,
probably something to do with fish oil.
Then at last we'll both be happy, won't we, darling?
So, you don't think you'll ever be totally happy until he grows?
I'm afraid not, Mr Hoppy.
Come on, pipsqueak, finish your strawberry.
'And that night, the seed that had been watered blossomed.
'And in Mr Hoppy's brain flowered a plan to make Mrs Silver happy.
'And he thought if he could make her happy then maybe, just maybe,
'he might be worthy of winning her heart.'
HE MUMBLES
Esio Trot.
HE SIGHS
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Mrs Silver.
Oh, yes?
I think I may just be able to help with the
Alfie-being-disappointedly-tiny
month-after-month thing.
Oh, Mr Hoppy.
If only you could, I would love you for the rest of my days.
Oh. That'd be very nice.
The thing is, last night, I suddenly remembered a conversation
I once had with a friend at the airline
who'd been a pilot in North Africa
and he told me a conversation that he once had with a Bedouin tribesman
who told him an extraordinary tortoise-size-related secret.
~ Really? ~ Yes.
Oh, tell me! I beg you, Mr Hoppy.
Mrs Silver...
.. I am going to lower this...
this piece of paper.
And, by the way, you were right.
Alfie can get bigger. But...
you must read this.
How exciting! What is it?
It's a Bedouin tortoise chant.
Oh, good lord.
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot...
"teg reggib reggib..."
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hoppy,
I don't understand. Is this in another language?
Yes and no.
Now, according to the Bedouin...
.. tortoises are very backwards creatures.
So, therefore it's logical that they would only understand words
that are spoken backwards, you see.
Oh, I see. So "Esio Trot" is "tortoise" backwards.
~ Yes. ~ Oh! Oh, yes.
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..." Yes.
"Emoc no, Esio Trot.
"Worg pu...
HE MOUTHS ".. ffup pu, toohs pu."
There's a lot of "pu's" in it.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Pu is a very powerful word in any language.
Are you having me on, Mr Hoppy? Is this serious?
Mrs Silver, I have never been more serious in my life.
Well... I suppose it could be true.
The world's full of wonders.
I once heard that a cockroach can live for two weeks without a head.
~ Is that right? ~ Well, apparently.
And bats always turn left
~ when they leave the cave. ~ Yes, I heard that.
And dolphins understand French.
~ Really? ~ So, I suppose this could work.
What this is really saying is "Tortoise, tortoise,
"get bigger, bigger."
Er...
"Grow up, puff up, shoot up" -
not what they mean these days.
Oh, that's a relief.
"Spring up", "blow up"...
Again, not the violent version.
"Swell up."
Um, er...
BOTH: "Gorge, guzzle, stuff, gulp.
"Put on fat, tortoise, put on fat.
"Get on! Get on!
"Gobble food."
That's it.
SHE GASPS
And if my memory serves me correct,
my friend told me that all you have to do is pick up little Alfie
right up to your face and say it three times a day,
morning, noon and night.
~ And if you do it... ~ What time at night?
Before dinner.
~ And if you do it properly... ~ His dinner or my dinner?
~ Does it matter? ~ Well, you tell me.
~ You're the one with all the inside Bedouin knowledge. ~ Yes.
Quite right. Before your dinner.
And I'm betting that by the end of the month,
he'll be twice the size he is now.
And that's a conservative estimate, Mrs Silver.
Well, goodness. I can't believe it.
But if it works, oh, Mr H,
I'll never be able to thank you enough.
You'll be the marvellous man who made all my dreams come true.
Well, wouldn't that be wonderful?
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..."
'Suddenly, for the first time ever,
'the happiness of two human beings rested entirely
'on the possibility of a small tortoise becoming a big tortoise.'
Which, of course, was a very serious issue indeed
because what Mr Hoppy had devised here was no simple thing.
It was, and I won't mince my words here,
the greatest and most complicated plan in the long and noble history
of tortoise-based tale-telling.
I have 16 tortoises for sale. From small to large to enormous.
Each one comes with its own certificate,
and you should know I do not sell any animal without first
assuring myself that it's going to a good, caring home.
~ How many do you want? ~ I'll take all 16.
I'll bag 'em up.
I don't really need the enormous ones...
I'll chuck 'em in for free anyway.
All the big money is in guinea pigs these days.
~ I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. ~ That's all right.
~ I don't actually have any tortoises. ~ OK.
But I've got a lovely iguana out back. You want to see it?
It's tempting, but no.
Or I've got a weasel going very cheap-cheap cheap-cheap.
I just need tortoises.
I've got a snake - I could chop it in half
~ and put a seashell on its back. ~ It's lovely meeting you.
Or I could shave a hedgehog. No-one would ever know.
I've done it before.
That's probably enough.
Oh, no! Go back.
Go back. Go back.
I really must fix that.
FROM OUTSIDE: '"Esio Trot, Esio Trot,'
"teg reggib, reggib.
"Worg pu, ffup pu, toohs pu,
"gnirps pu, wolb pu..."
Well, thank goodness I'm not asking you to sip up anything.
All right, darling,
I'm just popping out to get you some delicious cabbage.
I'll be back in half an hour.
Action time.
OK.
No - too heavy.
Too light.
Just perfect. 2oz more than Alfie.
You, sir, are the chosen one.
No! Or you're going back to the pet shop.
Stay there.
OK, team...
.. this is it.
You can do this.
You can't do this.
I can't do this.
(Hang in there, Alfie 2.)
HE SIGHS
HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY
CREAKING
Ah!
HE GROANS
HE SCREAMS
Good afternoon.
Sorry to bother you.
My name is Mr Hoppy and I...
I live a couple of floors up.
Mummy says I mustn't talk to strangers.
No. Quite right. Well done, Mum.
Are you about to offer me sweets and then kidnap me?
No, I'm not.
That's a relief.
But, as I said, I do...
actually live in this building.
I've never seen you.
Well...
.. I sort of keep myself to myself.
Weirdos always do.
Well, be that as it may, do you think you could be a good boy
and get your mummy to help me onto your balcony?
Why would I do that? That would be a crazy thing to do.
Mummy, Mummy, come and look.
No, Philip. I will not come and look.
~ A nasty dwarf is NOT trying to climb onto our balcony.
~ But, Mummy! ~ No more scary movies for you, young man.
~ Mummy! ~ Philip, darling, I'm doing dinner.
So Mr Hoppy decided to abandon Plan A - the ladder.
But, happily, he knew the fundamental rule of life was that
if Plan A fails, Plan B will usually succeed.
And if Plan B doesn't add up, then Plan C always works every time.
The only tiny problem was he didn't have a Plan B...
.. or a Plan C.
'So, where did this leave Mr Hoppy?
'Was he out for the count? Done for? Doomed?
'Was he going to give up? Admit defeat?'
Wait a minute.
Of course he wasn't!
This is Mr Hoppy we're talking about.
The Hopster! The Hippity Hop Meister!
He had a plan - Plan D.
Let's go.
ELEVATOR BELL DINGS
~ Oh! ~ Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy.
Hello.
Good lord. What have you got there?
Oh, er...
It looks like a huge fishing rod for catching jellyfish or something.
Yes, it is a huge fishing rod for catching jellyfish.
What on Earth do you want that for?
Well, that's a very good question. But, er...
the answer's pretty simple.
All my life I wanted to catch a jellyfish.
I got bitten by one...
and I wanted to seek my revenge,
so I thought the time had come to get a huge fishing rod
and do just that - catch a... huge jellyfish.
Well! What a thing! CHUCKLES
Yes.
Well...
~ LIFT PINGS ~ So, you're...
You're looking...
very nice, Mrs Silver. Where are you off to?
A dance marathon, at the community centre.
For charity. You know?
Chi-Chi-Chi!
We're hoping for a lot of sponsors.
Well... it's for charity.
Oh...
Oh, maybe I could be a sponsor too.
~ Well, that would be wonderful! ~ Yes, why not?
Put me, erm... down for a pound.
A pound? Oh!
Right, lovely.
Er... No, that's... very kind.
By which I mean...
a pound a minute, of course.
~ A pound a minute?! ~ Yes.
~ That's incredible! ~ Is it?
~ Oh, yes. Most people sponsor by the hour. ~ They do?
Well, yes, because it's a marathon. I mean, a pound a minute?!
That's marvellous!
~ A marathon. ~ Oh, it's really inspired me.
~ Oh. ~ Ooh! A pound a minute? ~ Yes.
~ Well... Well, come and watch. You'll have a marvellous time. ~ Yes.
JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC CONTINUES
~ Do you want to stop now, Mrs Silver? ~ How long have I done?
Erm... Four hours and fifty minutes.
~ How many minutes is that in total? ~ Erm... ~ £290. ~ 290 minutes.
Oh, yes. I think it's time for me last waltz.
Oh!
Would anyone care to partner me?
Someone...
Anyone...
Someone?
Come on...
Thanks.
Mr Pringle!
Oh!
Well, before we start, I'd like to thank the man who sponsored me
a pound a minute... For every minute of my marathon.
He used to be quite well off. Now he's the poorest man I know.
LAUGHTER Mr Hoppy.
~ APPLAUSE ~ Bravo!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
BAND BEGINS TO PLAY
~ Thank you so much. ~ Oh, not at all. Don't mention it.
~ The charity must mean a lot to you. ~ Er... Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Very close to my heart.
Oh, really?
My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
Thank you so much. Training guide dogs is such an important cause.
He'd had a terrible fall.
Being blind.
I'll just go get the money.
~ SIGHS ~ The price of love.
♪ Chi-Chi-Chi
♪ Di-di, di-di-di... ♪
OK, Alfie.
You're about to go for the ride of your life.
Well, well. We meet at last.
Both in love with the same girl.
Yes, we are.
You want to know something, young man?
If I could have been anyone in the history of the world,
I wouldn't have been Julius Caesar or Leonardo Da Vinci,
not even the great Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong. No.
You know what I would have been?
I would have been you.
Cos you're a lucky guy.
OK, this is it.
I hope you're not shy, Alfie.
If you are, this is going to be a traumatic point. See?
It's just like the first day of school.
Over there's the tough gang. Probably smoking.
And right over there, the jocks going for gold.
Never opened a book in their lives.
And here's the ones whose parents should really be worried.
Don't look.
Good luck, Alfie.
Life part two starts here.
Here you go.
Make some friends.
As for you, Alfie 2, give my love to the most delightful,
exotic woman in the world.
Hm-hm.
FRONT DOOR OPENS
'Hello, my darling!
Where's my lovely boy? Have you missed me?'
Oh...
Oh, my goodness!
That's very strange!
~ Everything all right, Mrs Silver? ~ No...
Something very odd has happened.
~ Very odd? ~ Yes.
This isn't my Alfie.
Not your Alfie?
Not at all.
~ Are you sure? ~ Well, of course I'm sure!
Oh, OK. OK...
Oh, God! Er...
Mrs Silver, I... I... I have a huge conf...
Usually his morning feed lasts him all day, but I've come back and...
And it's all gone. He's eaten the lot.
Well, that's not like my Alfie at all!
Oh...
~ Oh, my gorgeous goodness! ~ Hm.
~ It's working! ~ Mm.
~ Your spell's doubled his appetite! ~ Mm-hm.
Mr Hoppy! Oh! This is very, very exciting!
~ HE SIGHS ~ Isn't it ever!
Oh!
WHISPERING: Alfie!
She didn't notice a thing.
I'm quite a happy Hoppy!
I'm..quite...a...happy... Hoppy!
Yes, I am!
Happy Hoppy! Yes, yes, yes!
Alfie! We did it!
Spot of tea? Come on!
Mr Hoppy's secret plan was a cunning one. See,
If a creature grows slowly enough, you'll never notice it grows at all.
Be a very different story if it happened all at once.
Let's say you had a small puppy.
You drop it off at school in the morning
and pat its little head goodbye.
~ Bye. ~ Bye-bye.
Then you come back in the afternoon...
~ Argh! Mummy! ~ Down boy! Sit!
DOG BARKS
Not nice. But do it gradually and you get away with growing.
~ Dad, you're late! ~ I'm sorry,
Roberta. I caught the wrong bus.
I was telling them about Mr Hoppy. I got carried away.
Where have you got to? Have you got to the death scene yet?
Sorry!
So, Mr Hoppy had completed his first tortoise swap.
Now all he had to do was keep swapping every couple of days
until Alfie doubled in size, whilst living with 100 tortoises.
♪ Hello, Dolly
♪ This is Louis, Dolly
♪ It's so nice to have you back where you belong
♪ You're lookin' swell, Dolly
♪ I can tell, Dolly
♪ You're still glowin'
♪ You're still crowin'
♪ You're still goin' strong
♪ I feel the room swayin'
♪ While the band's playin'
♪ One of our old favourite songs from way back when
♪ So
♪ Take her wrap, fellas
♪ Find her an empty lap, fellas
♪ Dolly, you'll never go away again... ♪
I should have done this weeks ago. Bernard, Harvey, Bob...
Hello there, Prince Philip.
Spartacus...
No, you're Spartacus.
No...
Ah! You're Spartacus.
You are my Satchmo.
Tup no taf, Esio Trot. Tup no taf.
Hello, Dolly. How'd you get in here? It's all guys.
If I were you, I'd keep your head in your shell.
Elbbog doof.
Toohs pu, gnirps pu, wolb pu...
Voldemort! Is that you?
What are you doing in there?
♪ I feel the room swayin'... ♪
Freddie! What are you doing on your back again?
Come here.
Come on. Stay away from the poop. Be a good boy.
♪ Golly gee, fellas
♪ Have a little faith in me, fellas
♪ Dolly, never go away... ♪
OK, OK. Good luck, Alfie 9.
♪ Dolly'll never go away again. ♪
Hello, my darling.
I don't know who holds the land speed record,
but my bus driver's certainly just broken it.
The death scene.
MRS SILVER CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY
~ I so thought he was dead! ~ I know. ~ The first time I heard it.
I know.
Alfie!
Alfie?
Mummy, Mummy! A tortoise just fell out of the sky!
Yah! I hear so many things!
So many things...
Alfie?
Oh! Mr Hoppy...
Mr Hoppy?
Yes.
~ I'm here. ~ I don't know what's happened, but... Alfie's gone.
Gone?
I think he's jumped.
Oh, my darling!
Oh, he's always had very powerful legs!
I think he's just bounced himself over the edge!
~ Oh! ~ Oh! I can't bear to look!
Don't! Please, don't!
Maybe he's gone back into the flat.
I don't... Well...
~ Yeah, I'll check that first. ~ OK. ~ Alfie!
OK, OK, OK...
Put Alfie 8 back on the balcony and then go get Alfie 9.
What's left of him.
I know. I know...
Oh!
Better luck for you, Alfie 8. There you go.
Oh!
Oh, Alfie!
I've looked everywhere!
I... Oh!
Alfie!
There you are!
Oh, my holy aunt! You frightened the living daylights out of me.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, dab, dab Esio Trot.
Oh!
Oh, it's all right, Mr Hoppy.
I've found him.
All's well.
Thank the living Lord!
Evening, Hoppy.
Oh, good evening, Mr Pringle.
And... what a...
~ .. relaxing evening it is. ~ Yes, indeed.
~ Are you cooking anything special? ~ No, I don't think so.
Just something out of the fridge... Frozen chicken pie...
Sounds good to me. Love a pie.
Love chicken.
LOVE chicken pie!
~ Oh. ~ You haven't forgotten?
~ Forgotten? ~ Did I hear someone mention chicken pie?
You certainly did, Mrs Silver.
We're having chicken pie, round at Hoppy's tonight.
Join us.
~ Oh! Oh, no. I couldn't possibly. ~ Course you can!
~ You don't mind, do you, Hoppy? ~ Mind, wha... ~ Excellent!
My motto - two's company, three's a party!
~ Are you sure, Mr Hoppy? ~ No... Yes. Oh, no problem.
It'll be wonderful to have you come around, Mrs Silver.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh, no.
No! Guys! Guys, I need your help!
~ Nngg! ~ DOORBELL
Oh.
~ You look gorgeous, Mrs Silver. ~ Oh, thank you, Mr Pringle.
~ Lawrence, please. ~ Lavinia.
~ DOORBELL ~ Come on, Hoppy!
Oh, look...
Come in!
Come on in.
~ Oh, thank you. ~ You're welcome.
Oh! What a lovely big room!
~ Oh, I love that look you've gone for. ~ Mm.
~ What's it called? ~ Erm... ~ Prison cell.
~ No, minimalist. Yes, that's it. Oh! It's very stylish! ~ Thank you.
Can I get you a drink? Er... I have wine and...
~ Well, wine. ~ A glass of white wine would be perfect.
~ Er... I... ~ Although, red's my real favourite. I love lovely red.
So glamorous.
Thank you.
I'm a little short on glasses today.
~ Mrs Silver... ~ Thank you.
And Mr Pringle. I'll have...
.. this.
Well... Serve yourselves.
Er...
I have to just get back to the, er...
~ Get back to... ~ Chin-chin!
..cooking. Excuse me.
(Excuse me.)
You're doing great, guys. Just try to keep the noise down.
Easy.
Ah!
Dolly, it's hot.
Potatoes. Got to put them up to high.
Spartacus, sorry, but I really need the fridge now.
~ Can I give you a hand in there? ~ No...
~ We're feeling very guilty out here. ~ No, no.
No, thank you. I... I'm a very private cook.
My recipe's a secret, Mrs Silver.
Oh, and Mr Pringle's very keen to know what vegetable we're having.
Apparently, he enjoyed your carrots enormously last time.
~ Yes, tell him it's peas. I hope that's all right. ~ Oh, peas!
~ My favourite! ~ Peas are about the only vegetable that I... I... really like.
Apart from cabbages, of course. Can't get enough of cabbage.
Hope you don't mind, but I've been tucking in to your nibbles.
~ Nibbles? ~ Mm. Balti mix, is it?
Mm!
Peppery.
Would you like some, Lavinia?
Oh...
~ No, thank you. Not one of my favourites. ~ Oh.
I've got to get the food.
Sorry, Paul.
~ A little more? ~ Oh, thank you. ~ Here we go!
Fresh out of the oven. One pie for you...
Oh! That looks yummy!
Oh, forgot the garnish.
How did that happen?
Oh, how magnificent!
A pie to die for!
Right, Lavinia. I want to hear all about you.
Every single little thing.
Where were you born?
~ I... ~ I was actually born on the Thames myself.
In the back of a Volkswagen Beetle.
Dad went over a speed bump and out I popped.
So I said, "That's certainly an original use for an octopus!"
HE LAUGHS
Good Lord.
But enough about me. I want to know all about you two.
Go on. Favourite films. Ladies first.
~ Oh, The Railway Children. Every time. ~ Oh, yes!
That moment at the end when Jenny Agutter goes to the station...
~ And the train comes in... ~ The smoke clears... ~ And there he is!
"Daddy, my daddy!"
~ Oh! ~ I never really bothered with that one.
Always try to avoid films with the word "children" in the title.
And "Chihuahua".
My favourite's The Sound Of Music.
~ Really? ~ No! Course not!
Top Gun! That's the ticket! Go, Cruise!
"Son, your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash!"
~ Genius! ~ Oh, you certainly are a character, Lawrence!
Can I help clear?
~ Oh, thank you. That's very kind. ~ Waste not.
Oh! No! Er...
Where are my manners? Er...
~ Here, let me. ~ Oh! Well...
If I can't see your kitchen,
can I take a look at your beautiful balcony?
Certainly.
~ It'd be my honour. ~ Oh.
Oh... goodness!
Who needs to travel the world when you've got sights like this at home?
It's one of the two great passions of my life.
Well, I can certainly see that.
~ Look, an avocado plant. ~ Oh, yes. I grow them myself. From the pips.
That's terribly clever.
~ Thank you. ~ Oh!
Oh, a miniature rose!
Oh! My absolutest favourite!
Well, do tell me, what is the other passion?
Well, er...
Well, Mrs Silver...
~ It's something I've never spoken to anyone about. ~ Well, how exciting!
On my... On my mind...
Er... Every moment of every day, but...
But never once on my lips.
Oh. What could it be?
~ It's... ~ Time for tea, I think.
Shall I bung the kettle on in the kitchen?
No, no. I'd better do it myself.
Splendid.
Lavinia...
What a gorgeous name that is.
HE WHISPERS AND SHE CHUCKLES
THEY BOTH LAUGH
What a splendid evening!
Lavinia's a good sort, isn't she?
~ Mm. ~ I'm surprised you haven't made a move on her.
Well, it's funny you should say that because just between us...
Hope it's OK, I pounced while you were out making tea.
Glad to say she leapt at the opportunity.
~ Dinner next Tuesday. ~ Oh.
~ That's fast. ~ Yeah.
I suppose the truth is we're all a little bit lonely
and anything which takes the edge off, it's got to be a good thing.
~ Hm. ~ Sure that's all right with you?
~ You seemed to be getting on awfully well during the dinner. ~ Mm.
~ I often hear you chatting away on the balcony. ~ No... Yes, that's fine.
She's got... to be allowed to go out to dinner with whoever
she wants to go out to dinner with.
Next Tuesday.
Splendid, then!
Who knows? Sparks may fly when Flat 32 meets Flat 43!
Wish me luck.
Is that wedding bells I hear?
Or just a squeak of bedsprings!
Perfectly happy either way, eh, Hoppy?
Yes.
HE HUMS WEDDING MARCH
Good night, Lawrence.
'Mr Hoppy felt dead inside.'
Think of the saddest you've ever felt and then double it.
That was the world of Mr Hoppy's heart that night.
Poor Mr Hoppy.
Losing the love of your life is a terrible feeling. It's an emptiness.
Like the death of a friend. Or a parent.
Or a gerbil.
Or, yes, indeed... a gerbil.
Here's the thing...
You see, little Alfie?
HE SIGHS
However many years we live - and you're a tortoise
so you're in for a lot of them -
there's probably only ten moments that really matter.
Ten key moments that seal your fate.
Where we get the chance to change our lives.
Get the job we always dreamed of.
Get the perfect girl.
Well...
.. I've had my share of those moments.
And I've blown every single one of them.
Because the truth is, Alfie...
.. your Mr Henry Hoppy just doesn't deserve Mrs Lavinia Silver.
And so, the next morning, Mr Hoppy began returning the tortoises.
The game was up. The dream was over.
First to go was the most important tortoise of all,
the one he picked out at the start, the trophy tortoise.
Exactly double little Alfie's weight.
~ I brought you one of my tortoises to sell. ~ He's a lovely big one!
Yes, he is. 26 ounces, to be exact.
~ Can I tempt you with something else to fill the hole in your life? ~ No.
~ Now you say goodbye to the big fella. ~ No, it's a pretty big hole.
I've got an elephant out back.
Not exactly an elephant. More a very big dog. Same shape ears.
'One down, 99 to go.
'That evening, Mr Hoppy sat on his balcony, certain of one thing.
'That he and Mrs Silver would never be together.'
♪ Now, it's time to say good night
♪ Good night
♪ Sleep tight
♪ Now, the sun turns out his light
♪ Good night
♪ Sleep tight
♪ Dream sweet dreams
♪ For me
♪ Dream sweet dreams
♪ For you
♪ Close your eyes
♪ And I'll close mine
♪ Good night
♪ Sleep tight. ♪
Sit tight, guys.
I want you to know something.
I'm going to fight on till the final whistle and even if I lose,
even if she marries Mr Potato Head Pringle...
.. I will always, always want her to be happy.
Sorry.
It turns out I couldn't live without him.
I'm not surprised. He's a laugh a minute, this one.
The times we had... Classic!
Thank you.
'Where's my boy?
'Where's my Alfie?'
Alfie, Alfie!
Alfie...
Oh, my goodness!
Mr Hoppy?
What, Mrs Silver?
Something very extraordinary has happened.
What?
Something very, very extraordinary!
And quite marvellous!
Alfie can't get through his door! He must have got bigger!
She's not very perceptive, is she? I mean, he's double the size!
No, she's not the sharpest arrow in the quiver.
~ She's not the cleverest fox in the forest. ~ No.
~ She's not the smartest cookie in the jar. ~ No,
but she's full of the joys of life, and that's what matters.
~ Of course it is. ~ Hey, you! ~ Ah! ~ Ha-ha!
Well, Mrs Silver,
perhaps you should weigh him.
I believe it's been a month
since you started the Esio Trot experiment.
So it is!
Yes, it's exactly a month! Oh! How exciting!
Oh, Mr Hoppy!
Guess how much he weighs!
~ (26 ounces). ~ 27 ounces!
(You should check your scale.)
Ooh!
Alfie!
You great big beautiful boy!
Look what clever Mr Hoppy's done for you!
Oh, you did it, Mr Hoppy!
You're my miracle man.
How can I possibly thank you?
Well, Mrs Silver,
do you think I could perhaps pop down to your balcony
and just see for myself how much Alfie has grown?
Well, of course you can. Oh, come down at once!
Oh, my dear man!
Dear man.
HE BREATHS HEAVILY
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Wallace. Thank you, Usain.
And thank you, most of all...
.. little original Alfie.
Key moment.
Where are you?
There you are.
Oh, don't blow this.
Hurray! Come in at once.
~ I've just made you a delicious cup of tea. ~ Oh.
~ Er... ~ Oh! Oh, clever you!
~ Thank you. ~ Oh, my!
~ Oh, my goodness! ~ SHE CHUCKLES
~ I'd quite forgotten it was Christmas. ~ Oh, it isn't.
I just like to get my tree up on the first day of August.
What's the point in getting old if you can't break the rules?
~ It's my little piece of paradise in the sky. ~ Perfect.
Oh, and this is Alfie.
Ha-ha!
~ Have you ever held a tortoise before? ~ Once or twice.
I just don't want to drop him.
Oh!
~ Can I ask you a question? ~ Of course.
Would it be all right if I came up later
and had another look at your balcony?
I think it's one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
Who needs the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
when you've got Mr Hoppy's beautiful balcony in Bethnal Green?
Oh, I'd be delighted. Can I ask you a question too, Mrs Silver?
~ Yes, of course. ~ Will you marry me?
That was very out of the blue.
Yes. It... It... It was.
It's just that I've been meaning to ask you for some time,
since the first time I saw you, in fact,
when it was perfectly clear to me that you are the most... wonderful
and beautiful person in the Western hemisphere.
Probably the Eastern hemisphere too.
I only exclude it because I haven't actually been there.
Well...
Er... DOORBELL
Oh!
~ Oh, I'm sorry. ~ Oh. ~ I'd better get that. I won't be a tick.
Ah, Mrs Silver. I was just wondering,
might this little chap belong to you, my dear lady?
Oh, no! Oh, no! My Alfie's much larger than that these days.
He was just coming out of Mr Hoppy's flat and I thought,
but it's Mrs Silver that has the tortoise, isn't it?
Yes, quite. Well... Yes...
Oh, no...
He does look very like Alfie when he was little,
but he can't be darling Alfie.
Cos darling Alfie has doubled his size in the last month.
Hasn't he, Mr Hoppy?
~ Doubled in size? ~ Yes. ~ In a month? ~ Yes.
~ A tortoise? ~ Yes.
Mr Hoppy gave me this little poem of North African origin and said
if I recited it to Alfie three times a day, he would grow much...
much larger...
A little poem of North African extraction?
Yes. Bedouin, I believe.
Three times a day?
Yes, before meals.
Well, I'm not a biologist. I'm not Charles Darwin!
I'm not David bloody Attenborough, but I suspect Mr Hoppy here
has been playing a little joke on you, my dear Mrs Silver.
Mr...
~ Mr Hoppy? ~ Hoppy! You're a dark horse, aren't you?
Should have kept a sharper eye on you.
Yes...
~ Well, I think he might be mine after all. ~ Oh.
Thank you very much.
~ Now, if you'd excuse me for a moment... ~ Yes, of course.
Don't forget our date on Tuesday.
We'll have lots to talk about. Snakes in the grass, etc...
~ I can't wait! ~ Well, we can discuss that later.
Hoppy...
Good to see you.
Who'd have thought it, eh? Who'd have damn well thought it?
~ So... ~ Yes.
~ You've been swapping tortoises. ~ Yes, I have. A number of little swaps.
~ And that's not Alfie. ~ No, it isn't.
Who is it?
Oh, his name is Tyson. He's quite nice.
And all that... Esio Trot stuff is just nonsense.
I'm afraid so.
SHE SIGHS I feel such a fool.
I never was the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
~ Maybe not, but you have many other wonderful qualities... ~ Ssh!
Not at all the time for that.
OK, I guess I should go now.
Yes, if you would.
Thank you.
♪ In my solitude
♪ You haunt me
♪ With revelries
♪ Of days gone by
♪ In my solitude
♪ You taunt me
♪ With memories
♪ That never die
♪ Yes, I sit in my chair
♪ I fill with despair
♪ As no-one could be so sad... ♪
You're looking absolutely ravishing this evening, Lavinia.
Oh, thank you.
I thought we might just eat in at my place.
Oh.
And then I thought...
why not go to the most expensive restaurant in London?
Oh!
How lovely!
SHE CHUCKLES
♪ I'm praying
♪ Dear Lord above
♪ Oh, yes
♪ Send back my love... ♪
Hello, Dolly. Darth.
You guys should be in the pet shop with the others.
Where have you guys been hiding? Huh?
So, that IS the way it goes.
No, you don't just stop loving someone because they don't love you.
♪ In my solitude
♪ I'm praying
♪ Dear Lord above
♪ Oh, yes
♪ Send back my love. ♪
Is that really the end of the story, Daddy?
Yes, buddy. I'm sorry to say it is.
Mr Hoppy doesn't get the girl.
I'm afraid he'll probably spend the rest of his life alone.
Which won't be very long, seeing how old he is.
Which could be for absolutely ages, Roberta,
seeing how long people live these days!
Not the ending you were expecting, I realise that.
But it's still a story worth telling because he gave it a go.
And that's what matters.
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love till you give it away.
~ I give him a year. Tops. ~ Shush!
You saw how he was yesterday,
when he came down to our flat in the afternoon.
Hello. I have a present for you and your brother.
Come in.
Come on in.
No, that's all right.
Philip!
Oh, it's OK, Philip. I have a present for you.
See? This one's name is Darth and that one's name is Dolly.
'He gave us Dolly and little Darth and he was really sad.
'And then you asked him in for a drink
'and he told you and Mum the whole story.
'And now he's leaving.'
~ Can't you stop him? ~ No.
He's made up his mind the deed is done.
Not all stories have happy endings.
DOORBELL
They're early.
Hi...
Mr Hoppy?
~ Are you leaving? ~ Yes, that's right.
I felt it best after the unfortunate incident.
I didn't know. I'm glad I came up, then.
Oh...
One of your plants must have blown over the balcony.
~ I thought I should return it. ~ Oh, yes.
~ Thank you. ~ You're welcome.
Er... I... Er...
May I... just say that... I hope you and Mr Pringle
will be very happy.
Oh, well... that's very kind of you, Mr Hoppy.
But I'm afraid I could never be happy with Mr Pringle.
I know he's a real pal of yours, but he is without doubt
the world's most spectacular arse-paralysing bore.
And his table manners are atrocious.
I only had two prawns in my very overpriced,
under-prawned prawn cocktail. He took both of them.
I'm not saying it was the worst experience of my life,
but I was once mugged in Maida Vale underground station
by a Russian chap with a big knife
and our date was definitely worse than that.
My goodness!
I just have a couple of other things I want to say.
Parish notices, as it were.
Sure.
Er...
First, I think it's only fair to tell you... Well, before you leave...
that, um...
ever since I first squeezed up to you in the lift on my first day,
I've actually had the most frightful crush on you.
~ I beg your pardon? ~ You heard me, Hoppy.
Did you never think it was slightly odd
that we ended up in the lift together quite so often?
DOOR CLOSES
Ooh!
Spring at last!
LIFT PINGS
~ Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy! ~ Oh...
Oh.
But then you went and tricked me.
I know, and I'm...
Mrs Silver, I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine.
~ It ruined everything. ~ I know.
But then...
there is an argument that a man who would go to such terrible trouble
to make a woman's dreams come true...
Well... that man might be very exceptional indeed.
So, the final thing I have to say, I think it's the last...
.. is that, in short,
the answer to your earlier question, yes.
I will marry you. If you still want me.
Thank you very much for asking.
Oh, Mrs Silver!
Thank you.
Well...
I think we can do better than that, don't you?
How do you feel?
~ Taller. ~ SHE CHUCKLES
SHE LAUGHS
♪ Just kiss me once and kiss me twice
♪ Then kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long, long time
♪ Haven't felt like this, my dear
♪ Since can't remember when
♪ It's been a long, long time
♪ You'll never know how many dreams
♪ I've dreamed about you
♪ Or just how empty they all seemed without you
♪ So kiss me once, then kiss me twice
♪ Then kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long, long time... ♪
Oh!
My rods! Are they OK?
My rods!
♪ Yes, kiss me once, kiss me twice
♪ Kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long, long, long time
♪ Haven't felt like this, my dear
♪ Since can't remember when
♪ It's been a long, long time
♪ You'll never know how many dreams
♪ I dream about you
♪ Or just how empty they all seemed without you
♪ So, kiss me once then kiss me twice
♪ And kiss me once again
♪ It's been a long, ba-ba-ba-boo time
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
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