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♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star ♪
♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star, now ♪
♪ Yes, I'm going to be a pop star ♪
♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪
♪ Mama, Mama, see me I'm a pop star ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yes, I'm goin' on the TV now, now ♪
♪ Yes, I'm goin' on the TV, now ♪
♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪
♪ Mama, Mama, see me on the TV ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yes, I'm goin' on my first gig ♪
♪ Oh, Mama, Mama, see me ♪
♪ Mama, Mama, see me on my first gig ♪
♪ Oh, listen to me ♪♪
♪ I drove for miles and miles ♪
♪ And wound up at your door ♪
♪ I've had you so many times ♪
♪ But somehow I want more ♪
♪ I don't mind spending every day ♪
♪ Out on your corner in the pouring rain ♪
♪ Look for the girl with the broken smile ♪
♪ Ask her if she'd like to stay for a while ♪
♪ And she will be loved ♪
♪ And she will be ♪
♪ Loved ♪♪
Mr. Lanz? I'm done.
No.
Forgive me. No.
You're just beginning.
You liked it? Liked it?
You made me want to swallow poison.
And forget pitch, rhythm and tone...
and emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.
I'm sorry. I don't think I...
A grain of sand slips into an oyster...
and irritates the bivalve.
What happens? A pearl.
Celine Dion.
Miss Nicki Minaj.
Christina Aguilera occasionally.
All of them deeply, profoundly irritating.
Each one of 'em a huge star.
You, mighty Mo...
are that irritant.
So you'll represent me?
If you'll have me...
Richie Lanz Management...
globally, in all markets.
Welcome to the team. Thank you! Thank you.
So $1,200?
It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.
Oh, I go to a gym.
Want to get you a good blender too.
Wow. I got goose bumps. Me too.
Oh, personal check.
- I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie. - Yeah.
Here's our contract. The only one we'll ever have. Ever.
My handshake is my word.
Conning checks from losers.
Booking cover bands for bar mitzvahs.
What happened to that smile you had, huh?
That Richie Lanz smile. What'd you call it?
Hey, remember, we got that thing at Pogo's tonight.
Your "winner's smile." That's what you called it.
All those pictures in your office, you had that grin.
That grin, man. You were really something.
Am.
Not were, sweetheart. Am.
Yeah, sure, I'm taking some hits,
you know, but this is all rope-a-dope, baby.
It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz from the cheap seats,
but I am still in the goddamn game.
You know, this is not forever.
This is right now. This is Van Nuys.
Life's about seeing an open door and walking right through it.
Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me,
but... there's still a door there.
I can see it.
I have always found a way. I always will.
- I mean, how do you think I found Madonna? - Richie.
Singing for spare change in front of Hamburger Hamlet.
Okay, is this our talk? Because you promised me...
after one year I'd be singing my own songs.
I don't really... see that now.
Wear your Meredith Brooks outfit tonight, please.
Door number one. That's you.
We have to talk, Richie.
No! I don't like this!
We have to rock!
♪ I hate the world today ♪
♪ You're so good to me I know, but I can't change ♪
♪ Tried to tell you but you look at me ♪
♪ Like maybe I'm an angel underneath ♪
♪ Innocent and sweet ♪
♪ Yesterday I cried ♪
♪ You must have been relieved ♪
♪ To see the softer side ♪
♪ I can understand how you'd be so confused ♪
What's up, buddy? She's great, isn't she?
♪ I don't envy you ♪
The girl's not that great. You're too drunk to know.
♪ All rolled into one ♪
♪ I'm a bitch I'm a lover ♪
♪ I'm a child I'm a mother ♪
♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪
- This shit rocks! - Totally.
I love this song. ♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪
It rocks! It totally rocks.
Whoo!
♪ You know you wouldn't want me any other way ♪
I got to go check something. Fuses or watts or something.
No, no, no. My man, my man, my man.
What you gotta do is bring this shit to Afghanistan.
Afghanistan. Totally. Got to.
USO tour.
That's me, man. I book those things.
This chick,
opening for Demi goddamn Lovato and that Solange?
- The real Solange? - Hells, yeah. In country, dude.
Goddamn beautiful this time of year.
What time of year is it?
May. What?
I think that it's May. Kandahar rocks in May.
Right, right. Do the whole circuit...
Herat, Mazar-e Sharif, two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.
Do the whole thing.
You're talking a tour? A hellacious tour, dude!
For money?
How about for your country?
Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.
We're at war, dude.
The faucet is open.
♪ You do what you do ♪
- ♪ And don't try to save me ♪ - One, two, three.
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪
♪ I'm a child I'm a mother ♪
♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪
♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪♪
Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.
That's not true. Nobody good.
Now you're just being cruel. Aren't you?
Sweetie, your dad was a rock tour manager...
Your dad is a rock tour manager.
And this is what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to tour with my act.
Now yes, it's a little bit out of town,
but it's a start.
The first thing I do when I arrive,
I'm going to head directly to the Kasbah...
where I will purchase for you...
They don't have Kasbahs in Afghanistan.
What? No rock the Kasbah?
Somebody is not going to like that.
They're in North Africa, not Afghanistan.
You are so your father's daughter.
Scary smart.
And you got my looks too.
You really have the total package of me.
Okay, then I'll just go to the mall...
and get you one of those stuffed elephants with the mirrors all over it.
Just come home.
Hurry up! Ann Coulter's gonna dance next!
I gotta go. Mmm.
Dree!
Dree.
I love you.
I love you more.
Come on. We're in the homestretch.
Last leg.
Come on. This is just a short two-hour...
Hell flight!
It's a hell flight.
This is a goddamn death trip.
Forgive me.
The '85 Bangles tour was a death trip.
Susanna Hoffs would not even talk to her own mother.
I'm going to hurl.
What if they hate me?
They're soldiers. They'll kill me.
You want my air? Here. Take mine.
No. I want to go home.
Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story? Oh, God.
It's the Rumours tour.
Stevie can't go on.
Stevie won't go on.
Finally, I can't stand it anymore.
I run over to her, grab her by the shoulders.
I look her in the eye. I say:
"Miss Stevie. I'm nobody, but I'm a fan.
And there's a lot of kids out there tonight just like me...
fans, who saved all month to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.
To see Stevie Nicks twirl."
What happened?
Yeah. Crazy. She head-butted me.
Deviated septum... that I still have.
Blood everywhere, all over both of us.
But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and did the show of her life that night.
And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are that same kind of professional.
I believe in you. Mmm.
He believes in you. Oh, my God.
You should see the way he looks at you while you sleep.
Stop it right now.
"Not wearing underwear."
You idiot. That's what he's thinking.
- You idiot. - It's only rock and roll, babe.
Yeah. Think Aspen. But, you know, during wartime.
This is the last of it? It's not ours.
Your luggage probably never made it on the flight.
It has been known to happen.
Is there a lost-and-found?
Not in the traditional sense, sir.
Richie, I want to get out of here. Mm-hmm.
Get me the hell out of here now. Okay, Private?
We'll proceed to the Majestic Hotel, get you people squared away.
Don't want to head into town in the dark, even with a Humvee and body armor.
I'll come back at 1900 hours,
pick you up, take you to Camp Phoenix for tonight's show.
I'm sorry. Body armor?
That's a good plan. That's a great plan.
Hey, guess what. We're shopping here.
My treat. They have great shopping here.
Hippie-chic stuff. This is the...
These people invented the word "bazaar."
Actually, sir, we're in a lockdown mode.
There's been an assassination attempt on the Afghan president.
Markets, restaurants, tourist spots, anything outside of your hotel...
is suggested off-limits to all Westerners,
NATO, UN personnel,
all non-government organizations, until further notice.
What? A lockdown?
Yes. What?
Private.
From now on, let's...
We'll keep all of that on a need-to-know basis, okay?
Sir. Yeah.
Hey, hon. Can't go out that way.
We've gotta go out this door here.
Ronnie Smiler, everybody.
Tonight at Camp Phoenix at 8:00!
♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ Shake the boogie said up jump the boogie ♪
♪ Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ Shake the boogie said up jump the boogie ♪
♪ Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ And this is for the questions ♪
♪ That don't have any answers ♪
♪ The midnight glances and the topless dancers ♪
♪ The can of freaks Cars packed with speakers ♪
♪ The G's with the 40s And the chicks with beepers ♪
♪ The Northern Lights and the Southern Comfort ♪♪
Aaah!
I'm losing it, Richie. What the... What is this?
Nothing. It's a Mexican quaalude.
Can't this wait until after the gig?
Ho-Hold it.
IED puffed a local on Flower Street.
Land mine blew up two goats few blocks over.
No worries. We're good to go.
You know what? You can have half now.
Save the rest for the after-party.
They're blowing up goats.
Must be some sort of festival or something.
♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪
♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪
♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
♪ Shake the boogie, said up jump the boogie ♪
♪ Bawitdaba, da bang da bang, diggy, diggy, diggy ♪
Mr. Lanz, this hotel is not MOSS...
"Minimum Operating Security Standards."
They usually don't clear our people to stay here,
but the town's jammed up and you're only here one night.
Get a room at the back away from the street and potential flying glass.
Stay in it till I get here. See you at 1900 hours.
I can't feel my lower lip.
Good girl.
Richie Lanz checking in.
Uh, we are obviously the talent for tonight's show at Camp Phoenix.
We've just come off a hellacious flight from the coast...
and would really appreciate an upgrade,
possibly to a junior executive suite.
At the very least, two adjoining bedrooms.
Something with some size,
and definitely off the street, hmm?
Hey. Bombay Brian just got out of jail...
for hanging two Taliban guys upside down by their feet.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
You win, sir. I upgraded you.
- What room, Nasim? - 26.
My gal's got a big show tonight.
She's got to get her rest.
Big... Big-time show.
Hi.
I'm gonna see you guys after at the after-party. Right?
Sure, I'll be there. Good.
♪ Don't forget about the rock and roll ♪
Yeah?
- Hey. - Oh, look out.
Life is good. Yes, and cheap.
Yes. Cheap and good. Bartender.
Let me get a round of drinks and one for our boy here?
This is our card, in case you need anything.
Want you to have it. Anything at all.
"International Ballistics and Munitions."
Yeah. IBM.
Yeah, we sell bullets to the good guys.
Which is, you know, karmically correct.
And it's a $300 million contract with the damn Pentagon, dude.
It's insane. Billions... Billions are pouring into this bitch.
I am talking about US, NGO dough. NATO.
It is a goddamn cash waterfall.
All you gotta do is tilt your head back and swallow.
It's porno.
Six months ago, we were Herbalife salesmen.
Look at us now, huh? The goddamn ammo kings of Kabul! Who would have fucking figured?
Rise and shine, songbird.
Your future's calling.
♪ You can swim the sea ♪
Ronnie?
♪ You can jump into the fire ♪
Ronnie.
♪ But you'll never be free ♪
♪ You can shake me up ♪
♪ Or I can break you down ♪
She's gone!
She is? Truly?
- You ready to roll, sir? - Hang on.
Give me a second. His Ronnie is gone.
Kidnapped?
Big Daddy. Big Daddy.
We have a possible abduction at the Majestic...
No, she just left. She wrote a note.
She left a note.
Copy that.
Well, I'm afraid that's a personal matter.
She stole my wallet. She took my wallet, my money, my passport.
- Women, sir. - Well, what about the show?
Well, I guess the show must go on.
But without you guys.
Good luck, sir.
"Good luck, sir." I'm royally fucked.
♪ We can make each other happy ♪♪ Welcome to Afghanistan.
How do you know that she's gonna be here?
There's nowhere else she could possibly be, okay?
There's no flights out of this place until tomorrow.
She is still in Kabul. Trust me.
And if she's in Kabul, she's at the Volcan.
Every-fucking-body's at the Volcan.
Say it with me. Volcan! Volcan!
- Volcan! Volcan! - Just chill the fuck out.
You're in Kabul, man. Man up!
Come on. Go loud with me, bro.
What the fuck was that?
Come on. Go loud with us. Let's go.
Raise it. There we are.
Very nice. Hit! Hit it.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes! Whoo!
Richie Rosé. That's my dude!
It's pretty good, huh? Smooth.
This is a nice car.
Just like the Mannix car from the TV show.
I bought it from my boy, Azam Ghol.
Sounds like someone from Lord of the Rings.
No, no, no. He is the real Dark Lord, dude.
This guy, he's an animal. He butchered what?
Half of southern Afghanistan back in the day.
But, still, really a cool guy. Very funny.
Yeah, once you get to know him, he's great.
He's got an incredible sense of humor. Get him out in the world.
He threw in these awesome CDs.
Linda Ronstadt, ZZ Top,
Phantom, Cats.
- Don't worry about that. - Why did you do that?
Was that... Why did you do that?
- Was that about Cats? - Hates Broadway.
♪ Jump around Jump around ♪
♪ Jump up, jump up and get down ♪
They'll snap at you.
This is fucking scary, isn't it?
Who would put a club here?
I figure this area is rent-controlled,
so they're able to keep the prices really low.
Come through here at Christmastime. It's all lit up.
The parade goes right through here. It's beautiful.
They're making us stop.
Yeah, we're good. Don't worry about this.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh?
Which uh-oh? What is happening?
Just Be cool, bro. Papers.
I... Uh...
Officer.
Uh, time for a crazy story.
Uh, Richie Lanz. It's a real pleasure.
Um...
I may have been burgled.
My star...
Uh, a singer, like Cher,
seems to have vamoosed with my passport...
and my money,
and left me here in a place that I like,
a country that I like and a village that I admire,
uh...
with no proof or identification that I am responsible...
for a musical tour going through here,
playing in your town and a number of others.
And I'd like for you all to come to the show as my guests.
- Backstage... - Get out of the car. Now!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Those fools shoot like they dress.
Welcome to the jungle!
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Volcan! Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!
I was about to fall asleep before that.
Here we are.
Thank you, bro.
Oh!
Kenny Loggins? You're still playing?
You guys had guns? Oh, hell, yeah, we do.
We good?
What's up, dude?
So you gave them your guns.
Does this mean we're not in a war zone here?
We're safe here? We're totally safe.
This is a tough town.
People blowing up all over the place, a million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky.
We work hard, but we must also play hard.
Dancing on the edge of the volcano.
Rula, babe.
Nick, Jake.
Actually, I'm Nick. He's Jake.
Whatever. Plus one? Mmm.
No, I can't.
Hey, let's spread out and find your Ronnie.
I'll grab a beer. She's around here somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?
♪ Oh, how I'd love to ♪
♪ Let you touch me slowly ♪
♪ Over and under your spell ♪
♪ Oh, how you love to let me fuck you slowly ♪
♪ Over and under your spell ♪
You the new lifeguard?
Oh.
Oh?
You're not a lifeguard. You're toast.
Burnt. Singed.
Fried.
High.
♪ Come on, baby You know how ♪
I like your dress.
I bet.
Sparkly, huh?
I'm Merci with an "I."
Can you sing?
Nope.
But I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.
You can?
Sweets, I can do things to you...
that are illegal in every civilized nation in the world.
I will leave you broken, drooling
and speaking in tongues...
like a hillbilly snake handler.
When?
How much money you got?
Well...
I'm in a rented double-wide.
You can ask anybody where.
It's Miss Merci's 401(k) retirement tour.
You do not wanna miss it.
Keith Haring, 1987.
I bought it off of John Cougar Mellencamp.
Well, his bass player actually.
- What's your name? - Richie Lanz.
Buckle up, cowboy.
Miss Merci.
She's, uh, in the shower, I think.
I suggest you come back...
in maybe an hour and a half or so.
Uh, Mr. Lanz?
Hey. Private Barnes.
I like what you've done with your hair, sir.
Well, you're kind to say that.
Uh, well. Enjoy the rest of your stay.
Will do.
Uh, Private? Yeah?
Oh. Sure. Sure.
You look kind of nervous.
Probably your first hostage rescue, huh?
Yes, sir. Here.
No, I can get that one. Thank you. All right.
Wow.
I ain't never seen any shit like this before, sir. Good for you.
Well, it's wartime, son.
It's worth the wait.
Hey, bub. Hey, bub.
Going downtown?
I got nothin'. I've got nothin' for you, guys.
Hashish? No. Never again.
That's final. Maps! Maps!
Five dollars? You got to be kidding.
I've got nothing, fellas. Nothin'.
Look, check my... Here. Who combs their hair?
Map! Map! You. You got hair. Here, take it. Kid with the hair.
Hey. Hey! Are you a taxi?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure, sure.
Maps! Maps!
Maps! Maps! Maps!
Thank you. Yes.
I'm glad you speak the language.
Yes, yes. I speak. Yes. I speak American. American.
Where'd you learn? Yes, yes.
International language of love. Yes?
Look forward, please. Oh, yes.
Thank you. I thought that was French.
No, no, no. Who sings the disco?
We do, I guess. The good stuff.
Yes. Yes. Bionic Boogie, Sylvester,
"Lip Incorporate," Madonna...
Hey, an old friend.
You have met Madonna?
"Met" is an understatement.
I love you, Daddy!
- I love you! - I'm hanging up now.
Please don't hang up. I'm in a jam. Syl, please. Wait.
I'm stuck in Kabul, and-and Ronnie left...
and took my passport and my money...
and my plane ticket.
Yeah, yeah.
I need you to wire me a few thousand dollars.
Oh. Geez. Sure. Of course.
You're the greatest. You're aces.
The second you pay me the two months...
of child support you owe me, you pathetic piece of shit.
Right. Are you still there?
I need a shower. Of course, sir.
You smell like pussy.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
Your girl's gone.
I got her out of here last night on a C-130 to Dubai.
- Why? - 'Cause she asked me to.
'Cause she asked you to?
Yes. That and the fact that she paid me a thousand dollars.
My thousand dollars.
That's half my fee. She said you'd pay me the rest.
No and no.
I have no money, no passport...
One thousand. American. Now.
I assume you'll take a personal check.
I assume you'll take a bullet to the foot.
Look, Mr. Bombay...
Or, uh, do you go by "Mumbai" now?
Twenty-four hours. You pay me or you die.
You don't deserve a talent like that.
She begged you to let her sing her own songs.
You force her to sing that stupid cover shit.
Creative suicide.
"A"... It's called "management strategy."
And two...
Why don't you get me my passport and wallet back for the $1,000?
How about if I punch a hole through your heart right now?
Get out of my way.
Twenty-four hours!
One day.
You're repeating yourself.
♪ Come down off your throne ♪
♪ And leave your body alone ♪
♪ You are the reason I've been waiting so long ♪
♪ Somebody holds the key ♪
♪ But I'm near the end ♪
♪ And I just ain't got the time ♪
♪ And I'm wasted ♪
♪ And I can't find my way home ♪♪
It's ridiculous! Woodstock...
Jimi Hendrix played The Star Spangled Banner...
because I asked him to!
Two weeks...
to get a passport to my own country.
Hey...
Could you please turn down the "Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie"?
Hey, boss. How about lunch?
Do you like Mexican?
Mexican's fine.
But no food.
Madonna? Please. Donna.
Donna Elaine Beckerman. Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
- I gave her the name Madonna. - That's why you are a very famous man.
- Saw her singing on the street. - Yes. The Hamburger Hamlet.
On Sunset.
Legendary ears.
Oh. Mr. Richie.
Tonight is Afghan Star.
On TV.
Afghan Star? Yes. Big TV show.
Like your American Idol.
Huge competition for our singers.
He is favorite.
All of Afghanistan, they watch it and they vote it.
For money? Yes, of course.
Winner gets $5,000 American and record deal.
I dig the suit. Retro.
Hey. Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of here. We've got something better than this.
It's there! It's there! Whoa!
Whoa! Look at that, huh?
Three months I've been trying to get that fucking thing to spiral.
Here you go.
- What's that for? - That's some gangster shit.
Just consider it a lifetime achievement award.
Look, I think what he's trying to say...
is that, ultimately, you are our arms man, and you are in trouble.
That's about $15,000.
Not enough?
- What do you guys want? - Fucking mind reader.
Clairvoyant.
Okay, what we're looking for...
is a little of that Richie Lanz closing magic.
You see, we're, uh... we're double-booked.
What my partner is trying to say...
is that we are tied up here in Kabul.
But we got a shipment due in Patkia...
Today. Yep.
Today, Rich. Okay? It's just a few hours south.
We will send some security just for show.
Totally not necessary. This is a sweet Pashtun village.
Rich, these... These are the very good guys, okay?
All they need is a few thousand rounds of ammunition...
to defend their village.
We gotta help these guys. Of course we gotta help these guys.
It's what we do, right? It's why we're here. Mm-hmm.
It's why we are all here, okay?
Look, we need somebody we can trust, all right? An American.
Mm-hmm. That we can trust.
You drive down, you do the meet and greet, get paid, obviously, see the sights.
And they're wonderful sights. The road trip is absolutely incredible.
There's amazing rock formations. It's like Arizona. Really, really pretty.
And you'll be back at L'Volcan tonight for cocktail hour.
A tourist trip. Totally. You got a camera?
Why would I ever do that?
- Love this guy. - Cool head in a tight spot.
Why would you ever do that? You think we didn't think about this?
Obviously we did. We thought about you.
And then we thought about your current situation.
Look, Rich, the US Embassy, if pushed, can issue...
what they like to call a "limited-validity" passport.
Like right now. Ahora. Right the fuck now.
We can have it in your hands tonight.
No questions asked. No.
Like I said, we can and will make that happen for you.
Now, it's only good for a year, but it will get you home.
And it's safe?
It's safe as milk.
Thirty clicks from our destination out on the Gardez road.
The mission today is a simple stop and drop.
We got a Hollywood agent in the truck with us today.
Let's see if we can't keep him alive.
You say you're shopping a book deal.
You happen to be sitting next to a very well-connected hombre.
Connected to who?
- Danielle Steel. - Bullshit.
- We dated. - Get the fuck out of here.
Seriously. No way.
- Back in the Bay Area. - You dated Danielle Steel?
Mm-hmm.
You fuck her?
Twice.
I read Passion's Promise.
A lot of sex.
- She had beautiful hair, didn't she? - Back then.
Now I think she's wearing wigs. And cheap ones. Really.
Like dime-store ones.
Synthetic?
You know, she's got the money to spend.
I don't know why she doesn't do it.
- Come on! - Mr. Richie! Mr. Richie!
Mr. Richie!
The fucking truck is on fire. Get out of there!
Let's go. Get up! Get up! Let's go.
Get up! Yo, anybody hit? Anybody hit?
Baba? Get It On John? Everybody all right?
Where you going? Mr. Richie! You are blown up?
Richie! Where are you going?
- Mr. Richie! - Hey!
The fuck you going? Get that gear out of the car.
Whoa, Hollywood! Where are you going?
Hey!
Hey! The fuck you going?
Where are you going? This wasn't the deal.
What?
This wasn't the deal.
The deal was...
The deal was safe as milk.
Was the deal. Safe as milk.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Not getting blown to hell.
Milk? Do these look like milk trucks?
Do I look like a milkman?
I don't like the tone of your voice.
You're not gonna get out of here without us.
You're not gonna get five clicks out of here.
What's a click?
It's a unit of measurement in the desert.
Mr. Richie... Heads up. Heads up. What do you got?
Horses. Horses, Mr. Richie.
Oh, fuck.
Come on out. Come on.
We should have taken horses.
They are my people. Yes.
It's okay. They're Pashtun.
Where you goin'? To close this deal.
Hey.
Richie Lanz.
Talent manager of Van Nuys, California.
Soon to be in Beverly Hills.
How y'all doing, guys?
As-salaam alaikum.
Back at you, babe.
We got all the stuff you asked for.
Everything's here. It's all boxed real nice.
Bows. The whole thing.
Heads up.
- Yes. He's cool. - We done, champ?
No, I think... Uh, everything but the, uh... the money. It's good.
Uh, okay, I guess you've got what you need.
There's just the matter of an account balance.
Is he... Is he stiffing me?
He is not on our side.
Yeah, I think I know a good cop, bad cop when I see it.
He wants to pay you over tea at his home.
Tea? Yes. And then dinner.
And then he would like us to spend the night.
It is an incredible honor, Mr. Richie.
I don't know.
If you refuse, he will be honor-bound...
to hunt you down and kill you,
and then hunt down your family and kill them.
I'm thinking.
First you lose your girl.
Now you're gonna lose your head.
You're running out of shit to lose.
Baba, Johnny, get this shit off the truck.
Let's get out of here.
In my country we often say thank you with a song.
Ready? Ready? Ready?
♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ Fire in the night sky ♪
♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ Fire in the sky, yeah ♪
Bring it home!
♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ Fire in the night ♪
♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ Fire in the night ♪
Come on. Bring it down!
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
"Everything that we have"...
"All the wealth of my village, for what?"
"To buy more bullets, more guns."
"We are surrounded by enemies."
"The mujahideen warlords."
"Azam Ghol is my Pashtun brother."
"He comes to take my village, and he wants us to grow the poppy."
"Twenty-five years of killing."
"I am tired of war, and I cannot afford the peace."
"Allah helps the innocent."
We have a saying:
"The Lord works in mysterious ways."
♪ Trouble ♪
♪ Oh, trouble, set me free ♪
♪ I have seen your face ♪
♪ And it's too much, too much for me ♪
♪ Trouble ♪
♪ Oh, trouble, can't you see? ♪
♪ You're eating my heart away ♪
♪ And there's nothing much left of me ♪
♪ I've ♪
♪ Drunk your wine ♪
♪ You have made your world mine ♪
♪ So won't you be fair? ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Don't want no more of you ♪
♪ So won't you be kind to me? ♪
♪ Just let me go where ♪
♪ I'll have to go there ♪♪
Well, la-di-da.
Taxi.
I heard a girl singing just now.
Right over there.
A Pashtun girl.
No. Impossible.
The girl in the red burka. We saw her today.
No, Pashtun women cannot.
They are forbidden to sing.
The chick in the red burka didn't get the memo.
This girl...
Oh! Oh, God. Oh!
This girl...
Riza, Richie Lanz is about one thing, one thing only.
What is it? Your ears.
My ears.
And signing.
So it's two things. My ears and signing.
I hear 'em, and I sign 'em.
So simple.
A Pashtun woman? From this village?
They will kill her, and then right away, they will kill us.
With big, sharp rocks. That is simple.
Well, I think you're wrong. I hope you're wrong.
And I think you're wrong.
Look around. Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at all of that.
And look at me.
What the hell am I doing here?
This is so crazy, so random.
This has got to be fate.
There's got to be a reason for this.
And the reason is that girl...
and that TV show.
I am supposed to be here.
I will talk.
You will translate.
We will die.
That's the spirit.
I see that none of you are cable or satellite subscribers.
But I'm pretty sure...
you've heard about Afghan Star, huh?
It's a big, big hit.
TV show that comes out of Kabul.
Heard about it. Heard about it.
Well, I happen to have these babies right here.
They're like yours, but they're magic.
And I already know who the winner is.
I know who's the best, 'cause I heard the winner here last night.
In a cave above your village.
My all-time guy would simply tell us,
"Come together, right now, over her."
Uh, she is Tariq's daughter. She is Tariq's daughter. Of course.
Get out!
He... Is he proud? He's got to be.
"How dare you my daughter insult?
Shame. Dishonor.
Eternal death."
I mean, he just goes on, sir.
So I guess that's a "no."
Great. A flat tire.
See? We are cursed.
Oh, come on. It's a flat tire.
I'm sure you know how to fix it.
- A ninja! - Salima.
I must go to Kabul.
Allah gave me this voice. This is his gift.
Absolutely.
But why are you in my trunk?
I must honor him with my music.
I must celebrate my God with my singing.
I must go to Kabul. I must.
Hey, you're preaching to the choir,
but, you know, your father, family, apparently will kill me.
Then it is Allah's will, and we shall die together.
No. No, we shall not.
I have no intention of dying, ever.
Tell her, Riza.
Kabul?
That way.
Hold it right there, Salima.
From the moment you heard me sing,
since you found me in the cave,
since we were put here on this earth,
everything in our lives has led us to this time, this place.
Richie Lanz, our story is already written,
and now... now we shall play our parts.
We must. There is no choice. It is God's will.
Okay, but I'm gonna want 20%.
No contract.
Just a handshake. That's all I've ever had.
A handshake is my word.
Allah loves those who act justly.
All right. Back in the trunk.
I'm kidding.
♪ People ♪
♪ Do you understand me now? ♪
♪ Sometimes I feel a little mad ♪
♪ Don't you know no one alive ♪
♪ Can always be an angel ♪
♪ When things go wrong, I seem a little sad ♪
♪ But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good ♪
♪ Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood ♪♪
A guy wouldn't have to walk that far.
I must speak.
Sure. We have time.
I think you are a smart man, Mr. Richie, and a good one.
All right. Calm down.
Salima is in danger.
I will protect her.
Against millions? Where will she even sleep?
I have one bed, one room.
If I bring an unmarried Pashtun girl in my building,
my neighbors would tear us apart for the sin.
Do you remember where we first met?
70-30.
You pay room and board, all out of pocket.
Done.
I also get a taste of all the merch money.
And I get a taste of the merch.
In all markets, all endeavors.
Boys, it's your lucky day.
All right, none of you are leaving here with a vicious STD.
Downside... Miss Merci's pulling an early retirement.
Hangin' up my hot pants.
I suggest you go down to the Chinese whorehouse on Chicken Street.
Breakfast, darlin'?
Got Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms.
I come here for the waitress.
Scared is normal. Scared is okay.
Jon Bon Jovi throws up before every show.
We're on the list. Lanz, plus one.
There is no list.
There's always a list.
I appreciate your passion, but...
Not my passion. Salima's passion.
I mean, I'm just a hustler from LA.
You know what's gonna happen to a Pashtun girl...
that sings on national TV in this country?
What her family is gonna do, her father? It's already done.
Just the fact that her coming here, it's done.
Look... And yet, she knows this,
and here she stands in front of you just asking for a chance.
Just asking for you to give her a chance.
If the ulema doesn't shut us down,
if the ministry of information doesn't throw me in jail,
there will be another season, Mr. Lanz.
Call me later. There is no later for Salima, or for you...
or your country.
If you let this girl sing on national TV,
if you let the Afghan people see her courage...
Stop. Stop! And to hear her voice...
No! You do not lecture me about courage, about my country.
Never. Never.
Not you. Not an American.
You people. You talk and talk.
Have been talking at us for far too long.
Courage?
There are more death threats on this show than singers.
Touché.
Michael Jackson.
Pink Floyd. The Eagles.
The Bee Gees. Saturday Night Fever album.
Fleetwood Mac.
Miss Whitney Houston.
They're all giants. Demigods.
They all crushed... crushed 40 million units or more.
Forty million units.
Now, you work too hard for me not to say this.
I consider you my new friend in Afghanistan.
I want you to consider me...
your new partner.
Now, I have an 80-20...
that's been stepped on by a preexisting 70-30.
But your 15 against my 85...
puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.
And those numbers can be massaged.
But the first thing...
You got to just hear the girl sing.
Richie, the judges want to know...
if Salima will be only singing in English.
That's never happened before.
Well, I'm afraid so. It's a touching story.
She learned from a seriously wounded American GI...
who was trapped in her village.
As she nursed him back to health, he taught her one word a day,
until finally, the music of the West.
None of that's true. I mean, apparently there was a soldier.
So only Cat Stevens?
And Jimmy Cliff.
She does the Muslim West. That's it.
What?
What'd that twerp say? Nothing.
I'm gonna go kill him, just in case. No, Richie.
All right, when you're done,
big James Brown finish.
I come out, throw a hijab around you,
escort you off the stage.
Richie... You shrug off the shawl,
stroll back to the mike, go down, a full knee drop.
Nail that last verse one last time. Ignore him. You be you.
You look like a lady. You sing like an angel. It'll be enough.
He's very good.
Okay.
Now's a good time to be sick.
Okay. Let 'em hear you.
♪ Now that I've lost everything to you ♪
♪ You say you want to start something new ♪
♪ And it's breaking my heart you're leaving ♪
♪ Baby, I'm grieving ♪
♪ But if you wanna leave, take good care ♪
♪ Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear ♪
♪ But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ I'll always remember you like a child, girl ♪
♪ You know, I've seen a lot of what the world can do ♪
♪ And it's breakin' my heart in two ♪
♪ Because I never wanna see you sad, girl ♪
♪ Don't be a bad girl ♪
♪ But if you wanna leave, take good care ♪
♪ Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there ♪
♪ But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ I'll always remember you like a child, girl ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪
♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪♪
Yeah!
Come on! Whoo!
Yeah! Come on!
How you feelin', boss?
They were with her.
I can feel when it's working.
And she had 'em.
They didn't wanna show it, but she had 'em.
I mean, she was something.
She was really something.
♪ What else can a poor boy do? ♪
May I hide from the wind over here?
We shook hands.
That's a binding contract, sacred in my world!
Phone calls have been made, to Dubai!
I've heard the greatest! I've heard the best!
The way she sang last night, she could have won it all!
We could have won it all, Dad.
If she goes back to the village, Richie,
I must remove her name from the ballot.
What a beautiful picture.
Miss, would you mind moving?
I'm trying to look at the skyline here. Thank you.
Asshole.
What time is your flight?
8:00 to Dubai. Three-hour layover.
And then I got a direct flight to LA. Gotta sleep.
I was going to tell you. Really.
When it comes to men, I'm usually two steps ahead.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
That girl has talent.
She has the gift. She has the magic. I know it.
How the hell good am I if I can't break a talent like that?
Honey, I saw the audience.
They did not dig an uncovered Pashtun girl...
singing Cat Stevens in English.
Sweetness and light.
I watched that crowd.
They wanted to go with her.
They were dying to go with her.
They just weren't able to go with her because it was in public.
You really believe that?
I sure do.
So? So...
daddy bear took her out of the show, and she quit.
Quit? You quit. It was that easy for you to walk away.
First little bump in the road, and Mr. Richie's just giving up,
slinking back to his little Van Nuys world.
I don't think you know quite what you're talking about.
Nah. I don't know shit.
I know, 'cause my daddy told me that.
"Merci, just shut up. Put on a tube top.
Go find yourself a rich man while you still can."
And for a long time, too long, I believed him.
But you know what, Richie?
I am not dumb.
I'm gonna walk out of here with a serious nest egg...
and open my own real estate agency in Oahu.
Richie Lanz, I fought to be a winner,
and I do not have time for quitters and losers.
I am not a loser.
I am a quitter.
If you really know talent,
and you really know that Salima's gonna win her way into the next round,
then do something.
Figure something out, man. I don't know.
But win, goddamn it.
God, you are really crazy about me, aren't you?
I am your partner with this girl, but I bet on you, Richie.
Not her. You.
And you better deliver me my 30%.
I got an idea.
Of course you do, hon.
It's a million-to-one shot.
But so... were the Bay City Rollers.
Hey. As-salaam alaikum.
Alaikum salaam.
What do you say we keep Salima on the ballot?
What?
Well, who actually knows that she quit? I mean, officially.
I know. My staff knows.
Okay, but they don't know, right?
On TV last night...
there was her name on the ballot with a phone number to call. Yes.
You know, if you haven't officially removed her from the ballot, don't.
She's risked her life. Come on.
It'd be great for her village, for her family, for her people,
the nation, the world, women everywhere.
Maybe. You know, probably.
But I found this girl in a cave.
And I heard her, and...
I just got to know, man.
I just got to know.
And don't you wanna know?
I already know.
This conversation never happened, okay?
Salima!
You okay? Oh, I think I'm bleeding somewhere.
I am going to brain this guy.
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
Salima Khan!
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
She did it! You did it! We're in!
What?
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
Salima Khan!
Technically, the daddy did threaten to cut off my head.
That was before his lambkin made it to the final round.
Hey, he will put your head on a spike.
Come on. Babe, please.
Face-to-face? I own him.
Everything all right? I have to go to work.
Work?
But you said that you retired.
You-You said you discovered Madonna.
I don't have a choice. None.
So you're just gonna have to trust me on this, Richie.
Or not.
What kind of warlord throws a pool party on a weekday?
So... you wanna say something?
- Yeah. - Okay. Say it.
What is a beauty like you doing with a goof like me?
You never heard of "a Merci fuck"?
May I ask you one favor?
Okay.
Don't do the Marilyn wig thing with the scarves.
Just save that for us. I feel like that was our special deal.
I will see you tomorrow.
I have a lot of emotion tied into it.
We are returning to the picturesque Pashtun village.
Although without backup.
But this time for twice my initial fee.
You need a hook, Mr. Bombay.
There's a million mercenary memoirs out there.
I'm sorry. This is what I do.
Yeah. What you do is talk shit.
I could get you in a bidding situation.
Miss Merci.
House of pain.
Me and this Pashtun girl, we're in the hot tub with two guys.
Oh, Lord.
With Azam Ghol and this... this Nizar.
All right. Just give me the gory details.
Richie, shut up. Listen to me.
Those bullets that you sold to Salima's father...
I don't know if they're, like, bad.
They won't fire. They're old.
Richie, it was all a setup. Do you hear me?
You delivered the bad bullets for them.
They used you, Richie. You were the fucking patsy.
And Nizar's gonna kill Salima. He's a crazy man.
He kept screaming about it.
She's, like, a whore, an infidel, whatever.
And you put her on TV, Richie.
They're gonna fucking kill her. They're gonna kill her father,
take over the village, and you've got to do something.
Do you get it?
Thanks for the tip, honey.
See you soon. Gotta go.
Richie? Richie?
Slight change of plans.
Let's go back to Kabul.
What?
We're not gonna go get her?
What?
Your handshake is your word. You shook her hand.
You tell Salima that your word is bond.
Richie,
you are her manager.
Shit.
Stop. What?
Just stop the car.
Stop. Stop!
Hey! The fuck?
What's happening?
What the hell?
I never discovered Madonna.
What?
I never handled a real headliner.
I did have Eddie Money, but it was back when he was Eddie Mahoney.
It was long before "Two Tickets To Paradise."
I made a few bucks.
I nailed a couple of hot publicists.
But I also gave up a daughter I love.
But, gentlemen, Riza is right.
There are four sacred bonds in this life:
a parent and child,
a husband and wife,
a priest and confessor...
and manager-talent.
What about doctor-patient?
Or lawyer-client.
Not sacred.
Now, Salima...
is my act.
She's mine.
I am her manager.
And my act needs me.
Now.
"You stole my daughter."
Yes. But you raised her.
And you raised her...
to honor and celebrate...
your family, your country and your God.
And if you didn't truly believe that, wouldn't she be dead by now?
Hang on. It gets worse.
Understandable.
We are your only chance.
"We?" Yeah.
There is no "we." I'm done with you.
That's enough.
When were you going to tell me? Was it a big surprise or something?
Something you were gonna spring on me?
It just hit me.
This is your killer hook.
This is your final chapter of your best-selling book, right here.
Oh, my book. My book. You mean my posthumous book.
The one that you're gonna make all the money off of...
after these guys shoot me about a thousand times?
- There is no deal, Hollywood. - All right. All right.
I never do this.
If you ever tell anyone I did this, I'll deny it.
But I'm gonna cut my fee.
There'll be no Richie 35 on this one.
There'll be Richie 15, and we're still both gonna do great.
Because this is golden.
Brian, you don't wanna be the guy...
that left the Alamo.
You are a piece of work.
Thank you.
My posthumous book... I wonder what you'll call it.
Chief, this is for you.
In that truck is all the ammunition you will ever need.
And my bullets work.
Now come on back here with me.
That's for you. Brand new. There you go.
Careful with that.
Thanks for not killing me.
What did he say? The day is not over yet.
Pretty good.
Richie.
Hi.
In all the excitement, I forgot to congratulate you.
You won.
I told you.
Yeah.
And that was nothing.
I had a killer arrangement for the finals.
Strings. Gospel choir.
Wall of sound. Huge.
You would have won in a walk.
Salima, honey, you were the best I ever heard.
You saw it all.
Well... Except for this part.
Richie, this, right now... This will be the best part.
The dying part?
Not the dying part. The living.
You... You folks from the mystic East...
have a much better handle on the whole karma, life/death thing.
Rumi writes,
"There's a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There's a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?"
Richie. You will.
I...
I promise you will feel it.
♪ Mama, take this badge off of me ♪
♪ I can't use it anymore ♪
♪ It's getting dark, too dark to see ♪
♪ I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door ♪
♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪
♪ Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door ♪♪
This is nuts!
I'm not a fighter. I'm a deal maker.
I'm gonna go make a deal.
You just gotta love this guy.
These guys have no idea what they're up against.
Let me do the talking.
Knock yourself out.
"What are you doing?"
I'm representing. I'm here to negotiate.
And you?
"We are here to kill all unbelievers and the whore who sings."
Okay. I'm hearing you.
More of a deal breaker than a negotiation.
Let's get serious. What's it gonna take for all of this to go away?
"Kill him. Kill this fool now."
Okay. Very quickly. A key is to know what the other guy wants.
You are a warlord. You want war, I suppose.
Money. Power. Maybe opium.
And in an ideal world...
you'd like CIA and Taliban to both pay you to sell out your own country.
You're a warlord.
Stand down! Stand down!
Anybody else wanna see how real bullets work?
Richie, you're all right.
It's a flesh wound. Walk it off. Let's go.
♪ Now I've been happy lately ♪
♪ Thinking about the good things to come ♪
♪ And I believe it could be ♪
♪ Something good has begun ♪
♪ Oh, I've been smiling lately ♪
♪ Dreaming about the world as one ♪
♪ And I believe it could be ♪
♪ Someday it's going to come ♪
♪ Cause out on the edge of darkness ♪
♪ There rides a peace train ♪
♪ Oh, peace train, take this country ♪
♪ Come take me home again ♪
♪ Now I've been smiling lately ♪
♪ Thinking about the good things to come ♪
♪ And I believe it could be ♪
♪ Something good has begun ♪
♪ Oh, peace train sounding louder ♪
♪ Glide on the peace train ♪
♪ Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah ♪
♪ Come on now, peace train ♪
♪ Yes, peace train, holy roller ♪
♪ Everyone jump up on the peace train ♪
♪ Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah ♪
♪ Come on now, peace train ♪
♪ Come and join the living ♪
♪ It's not so far from you ♪
♪ And it's getting nearer ♪
♪ Soon it will all be true ♪
♪ Peace train sounding louder ♪
♪ Glide on the peace train ♪
♪ Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah ♪
♪ Come on now, peace train ♪
♪ I've been crying lately ♪
♪ Thinking about the world as it is ♪
♪ Why must we go on hating? ♪
♪ Why can't we live in bliss? ♪
♪ 'Cause out on the edge of darkness ♪
♪ There rides a peace train ♪
♪ Oh, peace train, take this country ♪
♪ Come take me home again ♪
♪ Peace train, holy roller ♪
♪ Everyone jump up on the peace train ♪
♪ Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah ♪
♪ Come on now, peace train ♪
♪ Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah ♪
♪ Come on, come on, peace train ♪♪
♪ Peace train, holy roller ♪
♪ Everyone jump up on the peace train ♪
♪ Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah ♪
♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ Let's come on, peace train, oh ♪
♪ Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah ♪
♪ Come on, peace train The peace train ♪
♪ Come on, peace train ♪♪
No. No, I don't, uh... Thank you.
I don't want string. I don't use string. Okay?
Do I look like... Do I look like I use string?
No, I want this thing here. I want the animal. Okay?
Come on. For my kid. For my girl.
Let's take a look.
Come on.
All right, what you got to have for this, five bucks?
It's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.
This was made by Chinese people in Taiwan.
Five bucks good? We good?
If you're saying 10 bucks, I'm sorry.
'Cause I only got five bucks. It's all I got.
You can't do it for five?
Here, man, take it.
I'll find somewhere else for five, I promise you.
It's what I got. It's all I got.
Thank you so much. Thanks. Appreciate it.
That's great. That'll be... All right, give me some string.
Give me some... Here, I found five more bucks. Give me...
Well, that's ugly. Give me... Give me that blue one.
Which one... I don't need all of this.
Which one's better? This one?
Give me... That one's clean.
Now it's mixed in there. That's the color. Which one's better, this or this?
Which one?
I'm taking that one. Between these two.
Ah. Ah.
I just wanna take one of these.
I want two of these. This one or this one?
This one?
I got that one. Here.
This one or this one?
I'm gonna decide on my own.
I've already put this one in my mouth. I'm keeping that one.
And that reminds me of someone, and this is brand new and mysterious.
So you keep that one. We'll call it square.
Oh.
Okay.
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