1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,353 Our next guest, dubbed "The Rocky Mountain Rambo," 3 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,789 got tired of waiting himself, so he traveled to Pakistan. 4 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,616 How close did you actually get to bin Laden? 5 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,198 Tonight with Gary Faulkner. 6 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,016 This is Gary Faulkner. Good luck. 7 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,856 Gary is an adventurer who set his sites 8 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,016 - on hunting Osama bin Laden. - Gary Faulkner 9 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,473 made headlines for travelling 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,359 to Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden. 11 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,993 Dateline 2004. 12 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,795 Land... the lawless, tribal region of Pakistan. 13 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,309 Our story concerns Gary Faulkner, 14 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,193 a part-time construction worker with bad kidneys 15 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,709 and a full-time American patriot, 16 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,752 who, after years of watching the United States 17 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,075 fruitlessly hunt for Osama bin Laden, 18 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,953 claimed he was visited by God 19 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,868 and accepted a mission to find and capture bin Laden himself. 20 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:18,391 Armed with only a sword and knife, 21 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,159 Mr. Faulkner travelled to one of the most dangerous places 22 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,238 on the planet to bring bin Laden to justice. 23 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,715 Here I come! 24 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,432 As strange as it is compelling, 25 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,551 this is a true story, 26 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,353 or a story that has truth in it, 27 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,790 or maybe... elements of truth. 28 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,276 Gee, pretty boy, your time has come. 29 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,958 The G has arrived. 30 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,669 Like most stories, ours began long ago, 31 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,076 when the hero was but a boy. 32 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,388 Take that, twerp. 33 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,875 Don't come around here anymore. 34 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:21,591 Hello, Gary. 35 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,234 What ails you, my child? 36 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,909 Did those heathen brutes just burst your balloon? 37 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,629 Children can be real pricks sometimes. 38 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,990 Gary, see that kid there? 39 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,032 In a few years time, the guilt he accumulates 40 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,435 from committing this kind of bullying will lead 41 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,869 to him becoming a horrible crystal meth addict, 42 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,639 and he's gonna die in a meth deal gone bad. 43 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,593 Shit happens, Gary. 44 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,472 Crying about it don't do any good. 45 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,434 But this, Gary... this is your sword that 46 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,394 I give onto thee, and as long as you behold it, 47 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,796 you need never fear any man. 48 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,797 You are special. 49 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,833 I choose you to wield this sword, 50 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,758 and as long as it's in your possession, 51 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,759 you need never know fear again. 52 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,319 Hello? 53 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,032 Hey, Gary, it's Pickles. 54 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,078 Pickles, wow! What's up, man? 55 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,509 Glad you called, I need a place to crash. 56 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,119 I've been crashing at the job site. 57 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,151 Gary has been described as everything 58 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,316 from a hero to a crackpot. 59 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,919 Dr. Jonathan Boudin 60 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,270 of the Denver Clinic for Psychiatric Care 61 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,992 told us that Gary, quote, 62 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,032 "does not suffer from psychosis, paranoia, 63 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:06,673 or schizophrenia." 64 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,199 Clinically speaking, 65 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,231 he's as sane as you or me. 66 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,715 But you be the judge. 67 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,592 Worst part of having this bad kidney, 68 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,119 getting dialysis three times a week 69 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,798 is they won't let me eat chicken wings. 70 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,070 Man, this country makes the best goddamn chicken wings 71 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,349 in the world. 72 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,118 Now, I haven't seen the whole world, 73 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,669 I haven't tasted chicken wings in Africa, 74 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,792 but I'd be willing to bet the right ball on a broke-dick dog 75 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,150 that no place makes better wings than they do here. 76 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,280 Some other reasons America's the best country ever, 77 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,475 fastest cars. 78 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,318 Now, some douche nugget pointed out 79 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,873 that the ltalians and the Germans 80 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,036 make faster rides on account of their Ferraris, 81 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,434 and their Mercedes. 82 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,154 Well, I'm talking about non-fascist automobiles. 83 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,794 Also, I'm pretty sure more people kick ass here 84 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,319 than in any other country. 85 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,556 I mean, some people claim that you can't quantify 86 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,318 kick-assedness. 87 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,238 Those are usually people who's asses have been recently kicked. 88 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,237 What is crazy? I mean, is crazy bad? 89 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,595 Wasn't it crazy to believe all men were created equal? 90 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,576 Wasn't it crazy to believe in life, liberty... 91 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,953 From the first moment, 92 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,310 Gary made clear that he would not fit 93 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,192 with anyone's expectations. 94 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,276 And refused to believe he was destined 95 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,675 for anything other than greatness. 96 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,711 As he continually told those around him, 97 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,718 "You have to think crazy, to accomplish crazy things." 98 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,936 I don't know, but I once got a fortune cookie that said, 99 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,359 " In boldness, there is greatness," 100 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,357 and I believe that fortune cookie was correct. 101 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,675 I can't stand foreign beer. 102 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,616 Anybody that drinks foreign beer or foreign whiskey 103 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,296 should be shot as a traitor. 104 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,176 - Come on. - That's what we love about you, Gary, man. 105 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,856 It's hard to be down around you. 106 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,757 - I got to piss. - Idiots! 107 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,456 ...reports that U.S. forces 108 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,516 have been very close to capturing bin Laden, 109 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,234 but that was about three years ago. 110 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,868 We intend, fully intend, to-to find him. 111 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,037 We don't know where Osama bin Laden, um, is. 112 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,388 Government clowns. 113 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:48,873 The hunt for bin Laden 114 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,309 has been a cold well for a long time. 115 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,750 They're botching up the plan to get bin Laden! 116 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,235 Look, I know I'm a Leo, 117 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,240 but it's easier for a mouse to get into a castle 118 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,508 than it is for a lion. 119 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,437 I'd go in there, and I'd boost that fucker 120 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,336 right out from underneath their noses. 121 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,351 Hey, buddy. 122 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,391 You think you could do a better job over there? 123 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,669 Is that what you're saying? 124 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:10,949 Oh, you're a Marine. 125 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,752 - I am a Marine. - Well, that's awesome. 126 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,056 Listen, I really appreciate what you boys are doing over there, 127 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,560 and I understand the price of freedom, 128 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,113 the sacrifice, but look, 129 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,280 you've got your program, and I got mine, that's all. 130 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,515 But l-let me buy you a drink. What do you have? 131 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,835 What are you gonna pay for that with? 132 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,109 Your unemployment check? 133 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,713 Oh. 134 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,513 Gary... Gary... 135 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:31,755 Just let it go. 136 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,312 Quick contest, Semper fi. 137 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,856 Let's throw this knife across the room 138 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,279 over to that dart board. 139 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,958 You get closest to the bull's-eye, 140 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,311 I'll buy everyone in this bar a drink, okay? 141 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,989 I get closest, you buy me a drink and you apologize 142 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,678 for being a dick. 143 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:55,795 Yeah, you're on. 144 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,432 Pretty good. 145 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,656 Sometimes when people get close to the bull's-eye, 146 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,033 they get a little cocky. 147 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,276 Sure hope that isn't gonna be your problem. 148 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,035 Yeah. 149 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,068 Knight the kings. 150 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,872 Oh! 151 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,952 Goddamn it, Gary, not again! 152 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,674 The blade missed most of Roy's tendons. 153 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,096 And, like the previous three times, 154 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,350 he was soon back at the bar 155 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,550 with little more than a bruised ego. 156 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,831 Why would you buy a showerhead 157 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,554 from a country that doesn't take showers? 158 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,600 Don't buy that toilet, that toilet was made in Africa. 159 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,656 Pygmies made that toilet and they take small shits. 160 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,797 Your turd, your potty, your poo, as it were, 161 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,353 won't make it past the flusher. 162 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,993 Yoo-hoo. 163 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,076 No, seriously, why would you buy a faucet 164 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,198 from a country in the midst of a drought? 165 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:57,720 I don't know what you're putting up, 166 00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,273 but that ain't gonna hold it. 167 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,038 I want you to trust me 168 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,176 because I'm probably the only person in this whole store 169 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,599 that'll tell you the truth. 170 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,520 Now, if you need anything at all, you call me. 171 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,597 I'm Gary Faulkner, your go-to handyman. 172 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,715 Oh, what... 173 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,319 Gary Faulkner. 174 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:18,873 Marci Mitchell. 175 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,558 Oh, my God! 176 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,318 I cannot believe it! 177 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,596 You look great. 178 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,233 You look great. 179 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,710 I had so many fantasies about you in high school. 180 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:31,336 I must've gone through about 100 boxes of Kleenex. 181 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,794 That is disgusting, but I'll take it. 182 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,718 - Why would you... - Because I always had a crush on you. 183 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,096 What've you been doing all these years? 184 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,838 Oh, my life is boring. 185 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,439 Uh, you know... 186 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,376 - went in and out of community college, - Uh-huh. 187 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,233 And then, you know, now I work at The Olive Garden. 188 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,510 Olive Garden, that's a great restaurant. Well, good. 189 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,790 - I answer phones at a dentist office. - Uh-huh. 190 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,496 - Calligraphy on the side. - Calligraphy? 191 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,120 For wedding invitations, stuff like that. 192 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,151 Dating only idiots. 193 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,236 Uh, 'cause that... those are the kinds of people 194 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,794 - that can spend time with me, with my schedule. - Uh-huh. 195 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,576 - You know, losers that have nothing else to do. - Yeah. 196 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:03,600 Um... 197 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,591 You remember my sister Carrie? 198 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,518 Sure, yeah, she made you look like a girl scout. 199 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,354 Uh... well, she, she passed away. 200 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,038 And, uh, she OD'd 201 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,594 in Colorado Springs, like, eight years ago. 202 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,598 Wow, that's... I'm-I'm sorry, that's... 203 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,840 - She got really bad into drugs and, uh.. - I'm sorry. 204 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,109 Yeah. 205 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,832 Had a kid with her dealer 'cause 206 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,993 that's a... kind of stupid decision you make, but, um... 207 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,136 And what happened to the kid? 208 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,593 I adopted her. 209 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,472 - Oh. - Lizzie, she's my little princess. 210 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,512 She's, like... all I have in the world, so... 211 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,153 - Oh, that's awesome! - Yeah. 212 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,240 - I got to keep it together because of her. - Wow. 213 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,456 - And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I... - Yeah. 214 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,629 Hate. 215 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,113 Well, I'll drink to that. 216 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,640 Well, I don't do that anymore, so... 217 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,239 - No. Shit! - I don't do that. 218 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,954 Only making good decisions. 219 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,150 Hey, listen, do you want to get an ice cream sundae 220 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,435 with me tonight? 221 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,118 Let's have ice cream. 222 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,395 - Great. - Not tonight. 223 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,192 - Okay. - I can't do it tonight. 224 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,356 - But tomorrow night? - Great. 225 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,119 We're gonna have ice cream, but you have to find me. 226 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,595 Listen, you still got that awesome tattoo? 227 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,879 Yes! 228 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,228 I'll find you. 229 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,833 They don't call me the psychic wizard for nothing. 230 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,760 In the past five years, 231 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,512 it appears that Osama bin Laden 232 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,153 and billions of American dollars 233 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,713 have all but disappeared 234 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,990 into the mountains of western Pakistan. 235 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,560 I'm serious, Pickles, we got to get on this immediately! 236 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,750 No waiting, no hesitating! 237 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,552 Got to get on this right fucking now! 238 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,238 What the fuck is going on, man? 239 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,839 Did you see that shit? 240 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,896 No, I didn't see... Gary, look, listen to me, -What? 241 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,876 You got to stop with the noise, okay? 242 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,268 We can't deal with it anymore, 243 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,992 we can't sleep back there. 244 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:50,916 You've been here for three months. 245 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:51,916 You got to get a job, 246 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,256 you got to get out of here, man. 247 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,480 W-What... so? I'm sorry, okay? 248 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,720 I'll quiet down. What is it? 249 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,595 I love you, but you got to get out of here, man. 250 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,354 - Oh! - You got to go. 251 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,520 You got to find a different couch to sleep on, okay? 252 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,148 - Come on. - I'm sorry, I'll, uh... 253 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,395 Well, look, I'll... 254 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,675 let me just, uh... 255 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,233 if I can just finish tonight... 256 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,760 - Yeah, just... - and I'll clean up. 257 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,472 Yeah, just stay here tonight, it's fine. 258 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,496 Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's trying to sleep, all right? 259 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,656 Hey, you remember what tomorrow is, right? 260 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,750 - What? - Dialysis. 261 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,676 - Oh, right, yeah. - Dialysis, all right. 262 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,677 Yeah, I remember now. Thanks, Pickles. 263 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,552 So, tomorrow you're out. 264 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,989 It is said that on a cold day 265 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,434 in Valley Forge, 266 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,551 George Washington talked to God 267 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,319 as young Americans died on the battlefield. 268 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,431 Abraham Lincoln talked to God daily. 269 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,711 But Gary did them one better. 270 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,270 Hello, Gary. 271 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,437 Holy shit. 272 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,994 Yes, I take a holy shit every day. 273 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,314 God? 274 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,998 Well, Gary, I have many names. 275 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,554 But God's kind of catchy, don't you think? 276 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,592 But you're the one true God? Who created the universe? 277 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,199 Yeah, more or less, 278 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,176 but let's not dwell on that cosmic shit right now. 279 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,758 I've got a favor to ask you, Gary. 280 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,598 A favor? 281 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,576 A tiny, little favor that I'd like you, Gary Faulkner, 282 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,715 to do for me. 283 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:07,955 Of course. 284 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,433 I'm calling it a favor to be compassionate, 285 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,959 and kind, and nice. 286 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:18,153 It's more like a command really. 287 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,395 You understand? 288 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,555 I do. 289 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:21,908 Okay, cool. 290 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,349 I need you to go over to Pakistan 291 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,597 and capture that son of a bitch Osama bin Laden for me. 292 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,914 OBL? 293 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,439 He's got to be taken down. 294 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,909 He pulled that 9/11 shit and fucked me right over. 295 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,190 Now he's got to pay the price. 296 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,515 No one else seems to be able to do it, Gary. 297 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,232 And my patience is getting wafer thin. 298 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,153 Capture bin Laden? 299 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,231 Capture him, bring him back alive though. 300 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,920 Remember, thou shall not kill. 301 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,439 So we're good? 302 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,736 You'll go to Pakistan and capture Osama bin Laden for me. 303 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,239 Perfect. 304 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,430 Oh, just so you know, Gary, this is probably it. 305 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:56,710 I've got no plans to ever speak to you again, 306 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,512 but I am everywhere, you know? 307 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,710 All knowing, all seeing. 308 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,393 Which, by the way, isn't as much fun 309 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,192 as it's cracked up to be. 310 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,749 Wait. What do you mean? 311 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,153 Dr. Jones to ER. 312 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,396 Dr. Jones to ER. 313 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,394 Oh, my God. 314 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:30,919 How did you find me? 315 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,798 I don't want to say I'm psychic, 316 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,194 but if the shoe fits. 317 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,393 Well, get in here. 318 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,016 Oh, I want to introduce you to Lizzie. 319 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,760 She's got some challenges. She doesn't talk. 320 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,233 Oh, yeah. 321 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,056 Well, you know, everybody talks, 322 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,096 but only the real smart ones don't use their mouths, 323 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,235 right, Lizzie? 324 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,776 Oh, and you have got 325 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,119 a killer smile. 326 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,856 Which can be used both as a friendly thing 327 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,136 and also as a weapon, which I'm sure you're already aware of. 328 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,071 Nonetheless, it's great to finally meet you. 329 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,553 Lizzie... 330 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,830 have you got a power animal? 331 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,678 Like a spirit animal? 332 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:02,994 Like a guide? I'll bet you do. 333 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,758 See, mine's the donkey. 334 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,429 Now, my dad used to call me a jackass when I was a kid. 335 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,198 And at first I thought it was an insult, 336 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,799 and then I realized it's a compliment 337 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,751 because jackasses are true, hardworking 338 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,438 and loyal. 339 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:16,913 Now, what's your power animal? 340 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,395 Oh! 341 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,873 The seagull, good choice! 342 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,416 Butterscotch or chocolate? 343 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,715 I'm a butterscotch man myself, 344 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,438 but I can go either way. 345 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,816 Just like to make sure everybody's happy 346 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,319 with the sundaes and stuff. 347 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,670 Butterscotch, goddamn it! 348 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,995 Looks like I'm having chocolate again. 349 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,510 And I think I remember you like the mint chocolate chip. 350 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,119 How the hell did you remember that? 351 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,798 Mind like a steel trap. 352 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,799 You and Osama bin Laden? 353 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,990 How does that work? What-what's your plan? 354 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,576 Well, okay, you see, that right off the bat 355 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,511 is a bit of a misnomer 'cause it's not my plan, 356 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,834 it's God's plan. 357 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,235 I didn't make the rules, God did. 358 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,839 But the plan is 359 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,679 I'm thinking about buying a boat and sailing to Pakistan... 360 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,314 - "Sailing to Pakistan?" - Yeah, I was gonna... 361 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,136 go to San Diego, buy a boat, sail to Pakistan, 362 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,593 capture Osama bin Laden, 363 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,496 bring him back to America for justice and stuff. 364 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,616 That's the plan... it's pretty simple when you think about it. 365 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,995 That's crazy. 366 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,238 Sometimes, 367 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,351 things are so sane 368 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,472 they are beyond our comprehension... 369 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,113 Do you know anything about sailing? 370 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,798 Marci! 371 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,273 You're so funny! 372 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,113 The pirates did it, the Pilgrims did it, 373 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,276 and they weren't even 21 st century guys. 374 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,356 I'm a 21 st century guy! 375 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,711 Gary, boats are very expensive, right? 376 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,319 Do you have that kind of money? 377 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,793 I got a little tucked away. 378 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,638 You'd be surprised how much you can save 379 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,456 when you don't pay your bills and you live on job sites. 380 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,631 Uh, things get particularly "traumaticals," 381 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,557 I can ask Dr. Ross, who's my kidney doctor, 382 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:47,936 and he always has some money around 383 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,678 to give to a worthy cause. 384 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,400 And I'm thinking about taking Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas 385 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,351 to make a little extra cash for my trip. 386 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,276 You see, I'm doing this 387 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,799 for people like you and Lizzie, 388 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,639 to bring the fight into his backyard, 389 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,034 to bring the fight to him, 390 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,833 so he doesn't come into our backyard. 391 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,473 Well, walk me through it. 392 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,416 What are you gonna do, just fight him and kill him? 393 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,078 No, no, that would be too easy. 394 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,719 And I was told to capture him. 395 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,195 And I-I don't want to kill anyone, anyway. 396 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,515 I think I would just... kill him, 397 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,755 on the spot, you know? 398 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,154 I mean, not face-to-face, 399 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,696 I don't want to see him face-to-face, 400 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,153 but from far away, definitely. 401 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,720 Yeah, well, if it comes down to that, 402 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,518 then I'll drop a gun in front of him 403 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,392 I'll drop a gun in front of me, 404 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,351 and we'll draw, fair and square, 405 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,879 Old West style. 406 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,216 Your ramp is a piece of shit. 407 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,958 I know. 408 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,435 I-I can't afford to have it fixed right now, so... 409 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,199 You and Lizzie... 410 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,999 you deserve better. 411 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,437 Good night, Gary. 412 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:58,913 Night. 413 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,395 Yah! Eh-yah-eh! 414 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,080 Cha! Eh-yah-eh! 415 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,553 Yah! 416 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,829 What the fuck? 417 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,075 You're awful pretty 418 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,315 first thing in the morning. 419 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,034 I consider that a positive sign! 420 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,390 Well, you look like shit. 421 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,913 And you got a sense of humor, 422 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,996 'cause I know that's not true. 423 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,473 Hey, listen. These are my buddies, 424 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,397 Roy... 425 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,033 - Good morning. - Pickles... 426 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,856 - How are you? - Two of the nicest dudes you'll ever meet. 427 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,791 I... thank you 428 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,035 for what you're doing, 429 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,416 but, you know, it's really early 430 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,720 and Lizzie's still asleep, so... 431 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,016 Now, listen, when we're finished, 432 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,296 you're gonna have a brand-new ramp 433 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,639 and it's gonna be the envy 434 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,336 of every crippled kid in the neighborhood. 435 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,816 We don't say "cripple." She's challenged. 436 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,717 Oh. You mean like us guys. 437 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,671 Yeah. 438 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,949 Um... 439 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,399 Thank you. 440 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,776 How much... how much do I owe you for this? 441 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,756 Marci Mitchell, not a dime. 442 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,359 That little girl deserves the best. 443 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,153 But it might just cost you a whole lot of love. 444 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,632 Well, um... 445 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,718 - I might be a little short this month. - Ooh. 446 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,478 See, now there's that smile again. 447 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,750 That smile is something 448 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,160 I'm gonna be thinking a lot about 449 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,440 while I'm sailing to Pakistan. 450 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:13,953 You are glowing, 451 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,195 Marci Mitchell. 452 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,032 You are radioactive. 453 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,799 You are my lucky charm. 454 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,276 I'm telling you, it was God. 455 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,709 Like, Old Testament, New Testament Lord on high. 456 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,400 He came to my bedside in the free clinic 457 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,674 and he told me to do this. 458 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,080 And I know you guys are skeptics. 459 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,314 Pickles, I know you're, like, 460 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,476 quasi-Buddhist backslash Senecan stoic, 461 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,096 but I'm telling you it was God, he spoke to me, 462 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,712 and I gotta do this! 463 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,068 Hey, man, we're not arguing. 464 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,350 We love Vegas. 465 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,056 Hey, Gary, we were wondering: what did God look like? 466 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,230 About how you'd imagine. Maybe a little younger. 467 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,096 That's weird, I always thought he would've looked like 468 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,553 Phil Donahue or someone like that. 469 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,016 I always thought he'd be, like, a lion 470 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,376 with, like, James Earl Jones' voice. 471 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,549 Mm, that's cool. 472 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,193 Hey, what did God say we should play? 473 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,634 You play whatever you want. 474 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,320 This is God's house, it's like a church. 475 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,475 We can't lose. 476 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,718 Come on, red! 477 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,876 Oh! 478 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,313 - Go. - Let 'em come. 479 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,116 Oh! 480 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,237 Uh... 481 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,839 I don't know, I think... 482 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,560 I'm all right. I'm all right right there. 483 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,456 - No. Gary, come on. - No, no, no. No, no. Don't do it. 484 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,675 Oh! Oh! 485 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,313 You did it! 486 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,590 He's my friend. He is my friend. 487 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,835 - And he is lucky. - Hey. 488 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,279 Are you smoking marijuana? 489 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,032 No shit, Einstein. 490 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,680 You think I might be smoking some weed? 491 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,976 Uh, you need to put that out right now 492 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,433 or we're gonna call the cops. 493 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,597 Oh, you're gonna call the cops on The G. 494 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,310 All right. Don't be a buzzkill. 495 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,555 Get out of my sight. 496 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:12,039 Man, I been seeing you shitheads all night. 497 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,559 What the holy hell do you want? 498 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,995 What do a bunch of Columbian drug lords 499 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,031 care about Al-Qaeda anyway? 500 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:28,994 Yeah, right. 501 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,072 This ain't my first rodeo, hombre. 502 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,517 And what if I don't? 503 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:54,993 Ow! 504 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,599 Hey, man... 505 00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:59,839 Ow! 506 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,112 Those Columbians stole all my money! 507 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,673 Wait, wait, wait. What Columbians? 508 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,472 The drug ones! 509 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,039 What are you talking about, man? 510 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,920 You lost your money at the tables last night. 511 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,296 Yeah, man, you should've quit while were you ahead. 512 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,595 - You fucked up. - No! 513 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,176 You guys want to hit the breakfast buffet? 514 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,270 Ah! 515 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:41,754 Nurse Taylor, 516 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,472 how is Dr. Ross today? 517 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,955 Is he feeling in a good mood? He's happy? 518 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,274 - Chipper? - Oh, yeah. 519 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:48,833 - Oh, good. - It's a golf day. 520 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,109 Yes. Golf day, yes. 521 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:52,856 Everything's looking good, Gary. 522 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,029 Excellent. 523 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,434 - Gary! - Dr. Ross, hi. 524 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:56,840 How you feeling? Good to see you. 525 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,056 - Yeah, you, too. - How have you been feeling? 526 00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,354 Uh, yeah, good. 527 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,516 Good. Listen, uh... Nurse Taylor, is... 528 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,198 Dr. Ross, is it okay if I just, uh, 529 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,856 - talk with you in private for a minute? - Absolutely. 530 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:05,995 Oh, thank you. 531 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,439 - Excuse me. - Thank you. 532 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,896 I can't believe you're still alive. 533 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,273 Your blood work is amazing. 534 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,436 Thank you so... Well, it's because of you. 535 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,079 You and your care for me. 536 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,156 You've kept me afloat with my kidney problem, 537 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,430 you helped me with my pre-dialysis hallucinations... 538 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,016 The other thing I want to say to you, Dr. Ross... 539 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,156 in many ways, I feel like you're a brother to me. 540 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,120 - Thank you. - I really care so much about you. 541 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,435 Because you care. You're a good man. 542 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,790 You're a charitable man. And you care about 543 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,638 what's going on in our country. 544 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,398 I've got a charity 545 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,080 - that I would like to maybe ask you to invest in. - Okay. 546 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,376 - All right. - 'Cause I know you take that stuff seriously. 547 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,233 I'm going to sail to Pakistan. 548 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,271 I'm gonna capture Osama bin Laden 549 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,976 and bring him back to America for justice and stuff, 550 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,216 - 'cause I think... - I'm sorry, 551 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,355 say that again? 552 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,959 I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden 553 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,479 out of Pakistan and I want 554 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,431 to keep you safe, I want to keep 555 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,755 America safe and, frankly, I want to keep me safe. 556 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,816 - What are you talking about? - What I'm talking about 557 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,592 is that I-I-I-I'm gonna buy a sailboat 558 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,240 and I thought maybe... 'cause my dance card is a little light... 559 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,590 that maybe you could loan me a thousand bucks, 560 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,358 because I-I don't, it's a little light, 561 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,118 and I'll pay you back, $250 a week, 562 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,437 and then we can take care of this Al-Qaeda issue together. 563 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,630 - A sailboat. - Yeah, to go to Pakistan 564 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,716 to capture, uh, bin Laden. 565 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,400 What do you really want the money for? 566 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,199 Are you in some kind of trouble? 567 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,514 Oh... 568 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,755 I lied. 569 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,592 - Yes. - I'm sorry. 570 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,039 That's a crazy story. 571 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,376 I mean, how can you sail a boat to Pakistan? 572 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:27,913 I mean, if you stop dialysis, 573 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,296 you're gonna start hallucinating. 574 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,435 No, uh... 575 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,232 Uh, I... 576 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:33,475 Oh, it's humiliating. 577 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,710 Dr. Ross... 578 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,990 there's a girl I-I really love. 579 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,998 And, uh, I can't afford the engagement ring. 580 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,519 There's one for a thousand bucks, 581 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,120 and I wanted to get her a diamond ring 582 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,390 so that I could get engaged. 583 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:51,635 Okay. 584 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,671 Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross. 585 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,030 - Y-You're telling me the truth now? - Absolutely. 586 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,776 You're not gonna get on a boat and sail to Pakistan? 587 00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,233 No. 588 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,429 Osama bin Laden. 589 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,391 Me? Look at me. Wrong. 590 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,715 - I got dialysis problems. - Yeah, that's why 591 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,336 I was wondering, how would you do dialysis 592 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,078 if you were on a boat sailing to Pakistan? 593 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,416 - I couldn't do it. - You couldn't do it. 594 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,839 I wouldn't be able do it, man. 595 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,279 I'll go get my checkbook. 596 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,039 - I'll be right back. - Yeah! 597 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,275 Yeah! 598 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,675 Hey, man, I don't want to... I don't want to be that guy, 599 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,518 but, um... 600 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,676 I'm pretty sure you can't sail to Pakistan. 601 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,951 Yeah, well, they told George Washington the same thing. 602 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,638 They told George Washington he... 603 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,520 I-I'm pretty sure they told George Washington 604 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,176 he couldn't cut down a tree or something. 605 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,760 It's just a figure of speech. 606 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,598 Look, I'm just saying, dude, like, 607 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,073 have you looked at a globe? 608 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,316 - It's kind of a long way to go... - Ah. 609 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,032 - ...in a boat. - Ah. Ah. 610 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,816 You know, you can do it, too, that-that's... 611 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,432 you can... you can do a lot of stuff 612 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:55,709 if you just kind of... 613 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,159 Hey, you know, can I...? 614 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,696 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, hey, hey, thanks. 615 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,597 - So are these mussels? - Yeah, man. 616 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,029 So, I... they're not eating fish poo on the ground, right? 617 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,674 - No. - Like the crabs and the oysters eat the fish shit? 618 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,616 - Yeah, yeah. - So these are eating, what, krill? Kelp? What? 619 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,552 Yeah. Like, fallity of the ocean stuff. 620 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,296 - Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff. So... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 621 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,311 - Like, healthy stuff. - I could eat that, right? 622 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,192 You could do, like, a soup or something? 623 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,656 - A broth, a bouillabaisse? - Yeah. 624 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,318 - Good eatin'. - So do I need to get... 625 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:20,816 Maybe do you have, like, some scuba gear... 626 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,376 ...or, like, a snorkel and shit 627 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,856 so I can get off the boat and scrape those off 628 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,677 and then eat 'em while I'm sailing? 629 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,936 - 'Cause it's a long trip. - Just grab some, like, goggles 630 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,720 - and a snorkel and you're good, man. - Okay. 631 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,116 Yeah, I got him. Yeah. 632 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,553 Morning, sir! 633 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:42,795 - Hi. - How you doing today? 634 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,592 - Good. - Good! 635 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,553 You know, you're parked in, uh, someone else's slip. 636 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:48,795 What do you mean by "slip"? 637 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,399 - Slip. - A slip. 638 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,750 Yeah, I saw an empty parking space and I took it. 639 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,711 Last time I checked, this was still America. 640 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,319 Yeah, it's not a parking lot. 641 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,555 It's a harbor. 642 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,636 - Uh-huh. - All of these boats you see, 643 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,274 they're all registered to people who own these slips. 644 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,834 Okay, officer... madam... Super Cop, 645 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,877 whatever your name is, do you know who I am? 646 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,315 Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner, 647 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,856 and I'm trying to do something very important here, okay? 648 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:11,995 I'm trying to protect you. 649 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,076 I'm trying to go to Pakistan 650 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,256 so I can capture Osama bin Laden. 651 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,793 I'm gonna bring him to justice. 652 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,536 And I think you're... you're kind of impinging 653 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,437 on important duty right now. 654 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,152 Pakistan's a long way away, sir. 655 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,157 I am fully aware of it, so if... 656 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,872 The sooner you let me do my business, 657 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,228 the sooner I can protect you. 658 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:28,998 You prepared for this trip? 659 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,776 - You got a life preserver? - No, I do not have 660 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,200 - a life preserver. - Safety flares. 661 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,673 I do not have safety flares. 662 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,336 - First aid kit? - I do not have a first aid kit. 663 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,475 In fact, I've never... 664 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,715 Any working knowledge 665 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,034 of how to operate a sailboat? 666 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,599 I have never sailed before. 667 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,039 Which is why I broke my arm, 668 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,191 because I was trying to higher up the sail. 669 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:45,514 I was trying to higher it up. 670 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,279 I was trying to raise it. Hoist it. 671 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,470 Okay. 672 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,033 Um... 673 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,390 - gonna get you to hang tight. - Very good. 674 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:55,920 - I'm gonna be right back. - Dig it! 675 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,678 - Okay. - All right. 676 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,016 I need... I need you to come down here right now. 677 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,632 Okay, clowns! 678 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,796 Doubters, doubters! 679 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,353 Debbie Doubters! 680 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,516 Looks like I'm still sailing! 681 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,108 And you know why I'm still sailing? 682 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,073 Because it is not my will, 683 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,679 it's God's will. 684 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,438 Shit! 685 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,435 Is this Pakistan? 686 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:45,754 No, señor. 687 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,750 Not knowing how to sail turned out to be 688 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,916 a bigger liability than I originally thought, 689 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,873 but boy, Mexico sure is beautiful. 690 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,116 And... to that effect, 691 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,708 on the beach of Mexico, 692 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,070 I found this for you. 693 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,959 I thought you might like to use it as a hairbrush. 694 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:06,394 And then, this shell... 695 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,635 Isn't that something? 696 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,115 It looks like a pyramid. 697 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,550 And then this is the venomous cone shell. 698 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,591 Now, this animal is very powerful. 699 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,233 It shoots a poison dart out... 700 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,237 Bam! Right there, you're dead in two seconds. 701 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:21,237 Glad I didn't get hit with that. 702 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,510 And this one looks like a spiral staircase. 703 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,194 Now, I want to make a spiral staircase for you one day. 704 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,936 You can have it and it'll be made out of oak. 705 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,791 Oh. 706 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,831 Yeah. And I got something for you. 707 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:33,154 ♪ Dah-dah-dah-dah! ♪ 708 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,792 San Diego, huh? 709 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,712 - Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me. - You're welcome. 710 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,990 - I'm glad you're okay. - I'm always okay. 711 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,315 Well, you know, I'm just thinking about the dialysis. 712 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:47,536 Don't you have to go in for dialysis on your kidney 713 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,596 a couple times a week? 714 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,473 First of all, the good Lord protects his 715 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,239 sacred warriors, that's first of all. 716 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,590 I forget second of all. 717 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,678 Well, you had us worried, you asshole. 718 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:03,997 I'm sorry. 719 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:05,678 I'll put a quarter in the jar. 720 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,360 Well, thank you, ladies, thank you both. 721 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,755 I'm so glad to be back home with you two. 722 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,398 I really love that little girl. 723 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,397 That-that child is amazing. 724 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:22,919 And she just took to you. 725 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,713 I've never seen her do that with somebody. 726 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,479 I don't usually let people get close to her so quickly. 727 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,376 I mean, you're the first guy I've had in the house 728 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:31,913 since I broke up with my ex. 729 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:33,513 I appreciate that. 730 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,437 I'd do anything for her. 731 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:36,675 I'd do anything for you. 732 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,234 You can count on me. 733 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,918 I'm not just saying that. 734 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,679 Well, I-I am just saying that, but I-I mean it. 735 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,637 I'm glad you're here. 736 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,552 I like being here. 737 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:49,756 Are you seeing anyone right now? 738 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,388 No. 739 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,193 I... broke up with someone a year ago and... eh. 740 00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,880 It's-it's been almost three years for me. 741 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,071 Huh. 742 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,719 You're-you're such a stud. 743 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:08,273 I figured you'd have, like, 744 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,675 girls all over the place, hidden around and... 745 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,472 No, see that-that's just hype. 746 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,352 See, the thing is... 747 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,040 I'm-I'm picky. 748 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,559 No, well, I... 749 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,193 I'm overcompensating, see? 750 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,551 'Cause I-I-I don't feel like that, all that, you know? 751 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,113 And I've-I've had some issues 752 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,514 'cause of the way I talk. 753 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,710 And sometimes the way I-I look you know? 754 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,558 I... so I haven't felt very confident, 755 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,756 but-but I am feeling something with you. 756 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,711 I'm feeling some connection with you 757 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,432 and I really... 758 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:37,999 I really like you, Marci. 759 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,599 Oh, I'm blushing. 760 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,995 I feel like I'm in high school. 761 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,838 Me too. 762 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,279 Can I kiss you? 763 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:51,799 You... 764 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,717 What a gentleman. 765 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,239 Yeah. 766 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,512 I barely even remember how to do this. 767 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,791 You want to go upstairs and try and remember? 768 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,632 Remember Osama bin Laden? 769 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,920 Public enemy number one, we got to get Osama bin Laden. 770 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,560 The fact that we can't find him is a big deal, folks, all right? 771 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,079 He's tethered to a dialysis machine 772 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,936 that he somehow drags around from recording session 773 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,536 to recording session. 774 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:26,976 You know, that-that's got to leave some sort of 775 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,752 trail in sand, can't we track that down? 776 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:30,360 Osama bin Laden. 777 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,550 - You know where he is. - Definitely. 778 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:33,736 Because he dumped some woman. 779 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,352 Welcome to Books 'n Shit. 780 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:36,560 So you have a new book out. 781 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,056 - Congratulations by the way. - Thank you. 782 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,513 Um, it's called The New Testament. 783 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,136 - The New Testament. - The New Testament. 784 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:42,195 It's a sequel of sorts 785 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:43,514 to the original, um... 786 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,392 - The Old Testament. - The Old Testament. 787 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:46,953 Um, is there a movie in the works? 788 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,312 We are working on a movie, uh, with James Cameron. 789 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:52,589 He's great. 790 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:54,273 Yeah, I mean, the guy's confident. 791 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,200 You can't buy it in a store, you can't buy it online, 792 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,032 you can't buy it tomorrow. 793 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:02,736 This sweet little thing is limited to one. 794 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:04,432 This one, the only one. 795 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:05,834 Are you listening to me, Gary? 796 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:07,439 This is Excalibur 797 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,676 brought back to life, this is Damocles fallen. 798 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,791 This item is available for a penny. 799 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,798 A tiny, brown, copper sphincter of nothingness. 800 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,239 Gary? Focus. 801 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,160 We're talking about destiny, Gary. 802 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,355 Carpe diem, 803 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,436 seize the day, seize the moment, 804 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:22,675 take the blade. 805 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,996 Hi-yah! 806 00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,554 Marci, I've been going about this all wrong. 807 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:33,875 You know what I'm gonna do now? I'm gonna change it up. 808 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,479 I'm gonna hang glide into Pakistan. 809 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,153 Well, that sounds dangerous. 810 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,236 Huy-des! 811 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,635 That's okay, everything about this mission is dangerous. 812 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:42,976 Do you even know how to hang glide? 813 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,070 - No, but I got a plan. - What plan? 814 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,395 Israel. 815 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,456 I'm gonna go to a mountain in lsrael and I'm gonna jump off. 816 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:50,754 If I fly, I fly into Pakistan. 817 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,472 If I crash, I crash into the Dead Sea, 818 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,576 which is the deepest hypersaline lake in the world. 819 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,558 Yeah, they about 34% salinity over there and stuff. 820 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,800 Just about the saltiest body of water you'll ever see. 821 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,736 So everything, no matter how heavy, floats on it. 822 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:03,176 So, if I crash, I'll float, which is good 823 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,952 because I-I don't know how to swim. 824 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,514 - No, that's a terrible idea. - Marci, 825 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,791 every good idea sounded terrible at first. Think about it. 826 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,434 Binny boy won't be expecting it, that's the main thing. 827 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,120 You got to have the element of surprise. 828 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,317 And the other thing you got to add is... a sword! 829 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,158 Chi-yas! 830 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:21,395 You know what? 831 00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:22,675 I'm rude, look at me. 832 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:23,994 Hogging all the fun. 833 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:25,480 Come on, let me show you something. 834 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,994 - Oh... - Marci, come on. Look at this. 835 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,269 - Okay, turn around. - Okay. 836 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,192 - Now, hold it in your hand. - Okay. 837 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,271 Feel the weight, respect it, respect it. 838 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,073 Now, I want you to just go down like that, okay? 839 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:37,514 Mm-hmm. Right. 840 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,596 Okay, now, when I toss it, 841 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:41,233 you slice it, slice and dice it. 842 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,520 All right, so, let's do this. 843 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:43,828 Okay, here we go. 844 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,000 And... 845 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,548 A five, six, seven, eight. 846 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,831 Ah-ha, you did it! Yay! 847 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:52,360 I see why you like this. 848 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,551 - You work here? - Yeah. 849 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,069 Okay, listen, I'm looking to buy a hang glider. 850 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,792 - Okay. - 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide 851 00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:32,598 - from a mountain in lsrael - Okay. 852 00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:34,760 To Pakistan, 'cause I got to capture Osama bin Laden 853 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,353 and pull him right out of his cave. 854 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,311 - That's quite the adventure. - That's right. 855 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,113 - But I need a hang glider. - Well, the North Wing, uh, 856 00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:43,720 - she is a sweet, sweet bird, yeah. - I like that. Sounds good. 857 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,318 "Sweet bird's" what I like. 858 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,635 - Now, I was gonna take a boom box, - Okay. 859 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,513 Hang it, dangle it, from the hang glider. 860 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:54,713 Listen to music to inspire me, to motivate me for my mission. 861 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,832 What sort of music would you suggest 862 00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,951 would be the best music to hang glide to? 863 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,514 Okay, well, I wouldn't hang a boom box from the wing 864 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,320 'cause you're gonna throw off your balance. 865 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,431 You got to spare me the physics lesson 866 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,039 and just answer the question. 867 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,277 Okay, uh, so you're looking for some, like, pump-up, 868 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,675 - inspirational, kind of... - That's right. 869 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:14,955 Tom Petty? 870 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:16,433 Stupidest thing I've ever heard. 871 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:17,993 - Okay. - Okay? 872 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,793 Now, listen, if I was gonna cut that up into pieces, 873 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:22,672 'cause I got to get it into my luggage 874 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,233 to get it over to lsrael. 875 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,272 How many pieces would I cut it into? Three? Four? Five? 876 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,755 Well, the-the thing about a hang glider 877 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:31,996 is it-it's all, uh, one piece. 878 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:33,269 You can't cut it up. 879 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,635 Son... 880 00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:36,875 I can do anything. 881 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,797 I am Gary Faulkner. 882 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:40,990 I am the Donkey King. 883 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,431 Wow. 884 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,680 Sir, that is a samurai sword. 885 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,353 Uh, you cannot take that on the plane. 886 00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,357 No, listen, you don't understand, 887 00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,199 I need this sword to do what I have to do. 888 00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,436 You trying to get my killed by Al-Qaeda? 889 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,152 Is that, is that what you want? 890 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,794 No, I want you to realize that you cannot take a sword 891 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,069 onto an airplane. 892 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:11,872 Can't. If there weren't people like me 893 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:13,280 doing things that people like you 894 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:14,839 told us that we couldn't do, 895 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,416 then nothing great would ever get done 896 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,078 and America wouldn't be awesome. 897 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:19,918 And let me tell you something, lady, 898 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:24,272 we may have our flaws, but America is awesome! 899 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,550 You cannot carry the sword onto the plane. 900 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,558 Tell that to George Washington! 901 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:30,829 Gary! 902 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,638 Pack the sword. 903 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,990 Yes, my Lord. 904 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,072 You guys seem like a couple of nice kids. 905 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,077 Where you from? Are you from lsrael? 906 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,715 You're from one of the other, uh, 907 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,479 Middle Eastern, uh, countries, or Pakistan, 908 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:03,670 or, uh, Tunisia? 909 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:06,992 All right, well, I'm gonna... 910 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:08,957 I'm gonna start running now. 911 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,111 I'm gonna pick it up, and I'm gonna run. 912 00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:13,708 Okay? You got to get out so I can run. 913 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,869 Let's go. Go, go, go! 914 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:27,639 Ha-ha! Success! 915 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,989 Look at me now! 916 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,678 No! 917 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,872 Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it! You fucker! 918 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,753 As Gary lay broken on the rocky terrain of Israel... 919 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:40,995 Fuck it! 920 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,712 ...doubt crept in. 921 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,991 And perhaps a small voice asked, 922 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:47,872 "I wonder if Marci is serving 923 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,150 her guacamole and chips tonight." 924 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:51,508 Gare-bear. 925 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:53,119 Hey, babe. 926 00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:56,152 Look at you, having a little spa day, huh? 927 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,352 Thanks. Thank you so much for letting me crash here again. 928 00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,391 Oh, no problem. Lizzie, uh... 929 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,351 Well, you know, 930 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,711 Lizzie and I love having you here, so... 931 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,956 Would you look at me? I'm as crippled as Lizzie is. 932 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,039 Well, I mean, she's a... 933 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,594 ten-year-old girl with cerebral palsy, 934 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:18,712 and you are a grown man who jumped off a cliff on purpose. 935 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,274 - I retract my previous statement. - Yeah. 936 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:23,954 Where is she anyway? You know, I got a present for her. 937 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:25,280 Oh, she's at physical therapy. 938 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:26,640 I'm gonna go get her in an hour. 939 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:28,955 Okay, well, listen, check this out. 940 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:32,038 You can buy the shit out of these things in lsrael. 941 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:33,952 That's water from the fucking Jordan river. 942 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,429 That's the fucking river where fucking Jesus was baptized. 943 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:37,595 She's gonna love this. 944 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:38,835 Yeah. 945 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:40,592 That was so thoughtful. 946 00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:41,869 Thank you. 947 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,230 I got you something too. 948 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,510 Yeah, look how beautiful that is. 949 00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:52,352 - "Israel rocks." - Yeah. 950 00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,436 Yeah, it does. 951 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:57,034 God, Gary, thanks. 952 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,436 Why did I sit there and let you take that glider apart? 953 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,834 - The hang glider? - Yeah. 954 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,075 That was a lemon. 955 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,236 Hey. 956 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:09,075 Do you want to get behind some hedges and, uh, you know, 957 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:10,355 show me your tattoo again? 958 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:11,708 Uh-huh? 959 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:12,875 Uh-huh? 960 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,228 You are a little horn dog. 961 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,432 - Even all banged up like this. - Yeah. 962 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,120 I don't know, it ain't just animal lust, 963 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,118 of which I have plenty, as you can well attest. 964 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,549 Sometimes I think I need a vet. 965 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,956 No, I find that, uh... 966 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:29,513 I actually love you quite a bit. 967 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,715 I love you too, Gary. 968 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,711 But you're on a mission from God. 969 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,478 So where does that leave me? 970 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,194 Well, you'll have to take that up with him directly. 971 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:44,878 I haven't even made it to Pakistan yet, 972 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,230 I got to get over there as soon as I'm healed. 973 00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:51,356 I'm gonna go in. Do you want a water or something? 974 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,710 No, I'm all right. 975 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:55,856 Wait, wait, wait, wait, come on, hold-hold on a second, 976 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,108 hold on a second. 977 00:39:58,600 --> 00:39:59,794 What if I didn't go? 978 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:02,308 What if I just... 979 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:04,112 stuck around here 980 00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:05,719 and helped out, you know? 981 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:06,995 I'm a pretty good handyman. 982 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:08,951 I could help out around the house. 983 00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:10,911 Yeah. 984 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:13,835 I'd love that, 985 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:15,473 you know? 986 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,996 But if you really feel like you're on a mission, 987 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,351 and I tell you to stay here, you're gonna hate me. 988 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:25,830 I... I couldn't handle that, so... 989 00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,072 You think about it, and, um... 990 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,555 and, uh, we'll talk later. 991 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,834 I just want to enjoy my life a little bit. 992 00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,676 I want to spend some time, a domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle, 993 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:49,353 with Marci and Lizzie, you know. 994 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:51,038 - Good for you, Gary. - Yeah. 995 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:53,200 Yeah, that-that Pakistan shit, the whole Osama thing 996 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,599 is pretty crazy. 997 00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,479 Maybe so, but crazy is my last name. 998 00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:00,598 - Isn't it crazy is my middle name? - Yeah. 999 00:41:00,720 --> 00:41:02,517 My middle name is Brooks. 1000 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:03,800 It's that old Gary. 1001 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,110 - All right. - Well, that's the truth. 1002 00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:07,719 Okay, we got to jet, we got a movie. 1003 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,736 - Yeah, you should come with us. - Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here 1004 00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:12,194 and, uh, finish my beer, and then, uh, 1005 00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,396 maybe just go back to Marci's house 1006 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,909 and enjoy my, uh, my humble little domestic lifestyle. 1007 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:18,720 - All right. - I'll take care of this guys. 1008 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,456 - Don't worry about that. Yeah. - Really? -Really? 1009 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,016 - All right, see you later. - All right, bye. 1010 00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,473 All right, see you later. 1011 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:25,000 ...in Afghaninstan 1012 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,360 - with his latest findings. - Bye. 1013 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,072 Since the battle of Tora Bora 1014 00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:29,872 in December of 2001, 1015 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,116 there has been no actionable intelligence 1016 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,231 about where bin Laden is. 1017 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,078 There are informed hypotheses 1018 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,856 that he's in the northwest frontier provinces 1019 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:39,871 - of Pakistan... - I hate this show. 1020 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,911 ...somewhere in the tribal areas. 1021 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,239 W-Were you going to be doing something for me? 1022 00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:47,713 I was... I am. 1023 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:50,896 'Cause it looks to me like you're quitting. 1024 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:52,239 I ain't no quitter. 1025 00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:53,496 'Cause what would you think would happen 1026 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,112 if I, God, just quit? 1027 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:56,952 - Chaos! - Chaos. 1028 00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:58,672 I mean, we've got chaos already, 1029 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,598 but we'd be talking about a much worse form of chaos. 1030 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:02,789 Godless chaos. 1031 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:04,751 Who said anything about quitting? 1032 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,599 What you don't seem to appreciate Gary, 1033 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:11,076 is the notion of omniscience. 1034 00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:12,679 That means I know everything, 1035 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:14,320 so I know you're thinking about Marci. 1036 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:16,158 I know you're thinking about domesticity 1037 00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,000 and settling down and how cute that will be. 1038 00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:21,277 And it really bugs me when men let woman-shit 1039 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:23,470 get in the way of man-business. 1040 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:27,155 There's two words you need to consider: 1041 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,475 "God" and "America." 1042 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:30,749 That's what this is about. 1043 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,279 Okay? 1044 00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:35,512 So what part of "I am everything," 1045 00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,791 "I know everything," do you not understand? 1046 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,353 Uh, uh, if you know everything, 1047 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:42,755 then why don't you tell me where to find Binny boy? 1048 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:44,871 I can tell you Pakistan, 1049 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,758 and you can't even get there. 1050 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,440 Now you're thinking about quitting. 1051 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,357 You're a disappointment to me, Gary. 1052 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:53,320 I've been waiting for you to help me. 1053 00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,870 Gary, shut the fuck up. This is a holy quest. 1054 00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,276 Holy quests are challenging. 1055 00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,437 When I asked Abraham to slaughter Isaac, 1056 00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:05,272 that was challenging. 1057 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:06,976 He didn't just say, "Oh, he's my son. What am I gonna do? 1058 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,797 I love him. What am I gonna tell his mum?" 1059 00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,434 When I said to David, you've gotta kill Goliath, 1060 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:12,993 it was challenging. 1061 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:14,216 He didn't say, "Look at the size of him. 1062 00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:15,559 I can't do anything about it." 1063 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:17,636 It's a challenging situation that you're in. 1064 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,672 I plucked you from obscurity. 1065 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,472 You're a lucky fuck. 1066 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,319 You should feel blessed, 1067 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:27,317 not burdened. 1068 00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:28,919 So, Gary, 1069 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,719 I don't want to hear any more talk about quitting 1070 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,592 or Marci, or TVs, 1071 00:43:33,720 --> 00:43:37,076 or sitting and relaxing, having a beer. 1072 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:38,349 Otherwise, 1073 00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,311 I'm gonna smite you. 1074 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:41,998 I'm gonna smite you, 1075 00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,475 and any memory or remnant of you. 1076 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:46,756 Your dad, Gary Faulkner... "l didn't have a son." 1077 00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:50,395 Marci... "I don't remember meeting some twinkle-eyed, 1078 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:51,788 goofy, cute guy." 1079 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,592 I will eliminate you 1080 00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,438 from history, all traces of you. 1081 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,312 Okay? 1082 00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,510 So have a little think about that, 1083 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:00,993 and then make the decision 1084 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,076 that will make us both proud. 1085 00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:13,999 Oh, great. You're drunk. 1086 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:15,997 I blew it. 1087 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:18,111 I was weak. 1088 00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:20,993 I took my eyes off the prize, 1089 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:22,439 and he saw it. 1090 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:23,595 What prize? 1091 00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,512 Who are you talking about? 1092 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,035 I gotta... I gotta... get to Pakistan. 1093 00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:29,832 Pakistan? 1094 00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:32,235 What... what are you talking about... Pakistan? 1095 00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:34,476 I thought you were done with all that nonsense. 1096 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,033 What about moving in here with me? 1097 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,310 What about fixing the ramp? 1098 00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:42,877 I have a more important job to do. 1099 00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,436 You know what? I need my four hours of sleep tonight. 1100 00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,949 I've got to work two of my three jobs tomorrow, 1101 00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,076 so I'm going to bed alone. 1102 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:08,831 What do you think? 1103 00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:11,360 It's great. 1104 00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:12,998 I told you I'd finish it. 1105 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:16,078 I'm sorry I slammed the door in your face 1106 00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:18,120 and yelled at you, but, you know, you were really 1107 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:19,957 being crazy, and I don't need that shit. 1108 00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:22,150 Marci Mitchell, don't you ever 1109 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:24,038 apologize to me for anything. 1110 00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:25,388 You are perfect. 1111 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:26,520 You are 1112 00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:28,232 an angel, and I'll see you 1113 00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:29,998 when I get back from Pakistan. 1114 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,159 Sir, we have been through this. 1115 00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:36,760 I do not care about George Washington. 1116 00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:37,800 You cannot 1117 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:38,710 go to Pakistan 1118 00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,154 without an entry visa. 1119 00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:41,896 This is bureaucratic morass is what this is. 1120 00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:42,920 Gary. 1121 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,510 Yes, my Lord. 1122 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,113 And God just... 1123 00:45:55,240 --> 00:45:56,559 gave you a sign. 1124 00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:58,079 That's right. 1125 00:45:58,200 --> 00:45:59,599 And now you want to go 1126 00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:00,720 to Pakistan... 1127 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,115 Why? 1128 00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:05,157 To get bin Laden. 1129 00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:06,639 Osama bin Laden. 1130 00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:09,035 No, Harold bin Laden. 1131 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,872 Yes, Osama bin Laden. 1132 00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:12,479 The terrorist. 1133 00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,192 Is this some kind of joke? 1134 00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:15,976 No, this couldn't be any less of a joke, sir. 1135 00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,355 This is as serious as a thing can get. 1136 00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:21,438 Okay, you give me one good reason why I should stamp this 1137 00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:24,552 and the United States of America should let 1138 00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,238 Gary Brooks Faulkner into 1139 00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,352 one of the hairiest places on Earth. 1140 00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,118 Well, do you believe in God? 1141 00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:32,240 And America? 1142 00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:33,634 And justice? 1143 00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:34,954 And freedom?! 1144 00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:38,197 And just doing what's right?! 1145 00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:42,280 Hmm. 1146 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,318 Thank you. 1147 00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:47,919 Go get him. 1148 00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:56,431 So, I'm going to Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden. 1149 00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:57,993 Bring him to justice. 1150 00:46:58,120 --> 00:46:59,553 God told me to do it. 1151 00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,910 He didn't think I was being urgent enough about it. 1152 00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:04,156 Thought I was giving in to temptation again, 1153 00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:06,032 which has been one of my problems. 1154 00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:08,040 Kept me from achieving certain things and stuff, 1155 00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:09,479 but I'm gonna tell you what. 1156 00:47:09,600 --> 00:47:11,875 God kicked the ever-loving shit out of me. 1157 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:15,037 So, now here I am, back on mission. 1158 00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,958 I shouldn't be telling you this, but I already got a lead. 1159 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,470 You see, it turns out over here, people call Binny boy 1160 00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:22,919 The Bearded One. 1161 00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,634 So, there, that could be helpful. 1162 00:47:36,240 --> 00:47:39,038 Gary arrived in Pakistan a stranger 1163 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:40,479 in a strange land. 1164 00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,595 He was determined 1165 00:47:44,720 --> 00:47:47,154 to observe the customs of the local people 1166 00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:48,599 and perhaps glean clues 1167 00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:50,637 that would lead him to bin Laden. 1168 00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:57,791 Reason for visit? 1169 00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,831 Taking care of business. 1170 00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:08,833 Once through Customs, 1171 00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:13,033 Gary saw a world both familiar and foreign. 1172 00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,199 In his personal diary, 1173 00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:18,834 Gary wrote of his first day in Pakistan... 1174 00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,914 ..."Got to Islamabad. 1175 00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,315 "Interesting people. 1176 00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,749 Hot as balls." 1177 00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,388 So, anyways, so, how do you like it here 1178 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:32,112 in Pakistan, my brother? 1179 00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:33,878 Pakistan is very, very, very beautiful. 1180 00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,513 Pakistan is beautiful. 1181 00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:37,056 Yeah, well, I figured you'd say something like that 1182 00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:38,638 on account of national pride. 1183 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:40,796 Well, I love America, so we're even. 1184 00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:42,478 I love America, too. 1185 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:44,033 Yeah? Well, America's very good. 1186 00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:46,355 America's the best goddamn country in the world. 1187 00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:48,118 And I say that putting my personal bias 1188 00:48:48,240 --> 00:48:49,753 and national pride aside because 1189 00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:51,916 we don't have no Al-Qaeda holing up in the States. 1190 00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,349 Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan, very bad. 1191 00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:55,879 Yeah, very bad. 1192 00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,416 - Well, see, I like you... - Very bad. 1193 00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,496 ...because we got a cultural connection. 1194 00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,033 But what I need to do is I need 1195 00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:01,256 to get to the Hotel AlBaraka. 1196 00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,191 I'm on a very important mission. 1197 00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:04,576 I'm looking for The Bearded One. 1198 00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,033 Uh, do you know where 1199 00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:07,336 - I can find The Bearded One? - The Bearded One? 1200 00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:08,475 The Bearded One. 1201 00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:10,192 I am... I have got beard. 1202 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:11,958 Yeah, no, I know you got a beard, 1203 00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,016 but I'm talking about The Bearded One. 1204 00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:16,076 Do you have Denny's in Pakistan? 1205 00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:18,156 Does The Bearded One go to Denny's? 1206 00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:30,115 Gary Faulkner, U.S.A. 1207 00:49:30,240 --> 00:49:32,117 Gary Faulkner, U.S.A. 1208 00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:33,076 Fuckner? 1209 00:49:33,240 --> 00:49:34,240 Fuckner?! 1210 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:35,554 No, not Fuckner, man. 1211 00:49:35,680 --> 00:49:37,159 It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner. 1212 00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:38,030 Fuck-ner. 1213 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:40,316 No, uh, it's Faulkner, man. 1214 00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:41,668 Fuckner, that's what you said. 1215 00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:42,816 Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man. 1216 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,558 Just call me The G. 1217 00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:45,999 Uh, you got a bellhop 1218 00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:47,519 that can help me with my bags? 1219 00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,596 No, h-h-he's... he's dead. 1220 00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:50,596 Dead? 1221 00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,039 Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop? 1222 00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:52,990 No! 1223 00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:54,120 Not at all, sir. 1224 00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:55,354 Gangsters, sir. 1225 00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:57,176 - He was killed for... - Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda? 1226 00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:58,713 We have no Al-Qaeda here. 1227 00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:00,273 I got an AK-47 shoved up my ass. 1228 00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:02,919 He-he want... he want to s... 1229 00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:04,393 to-to-to know about America. 1230 00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:06,152 Man, America's good! 1231 00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:08,111 - Hamburger. - We got... we got hamburgers. 1232 00:50:08,240 --> 00:50:09,514 We got Dairy Queen. 1233 00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:11,320 We got the best chicken wings in the world. 1234 00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,476 - Woman, woman, woman. - Fuck, man, but 1235 00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,320 - we got the California girls, man. - Woman. 1236 00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:18,278 Fuckner good, Fuckner good. 1237 00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:21,757 I told you, just call me The G. 1238 00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:23,256 You are so funny. 1239 00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,635 - I like it. - Oh, yeah. 1240 00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:27,656 All right, look, can somebody show me where my room is? 1241 00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:29,716 I got to get, uh, I have a very important mission. 1242 00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:43,869 Try it, motherfucker! 1243 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:57,868 Like all men on covert ops, 1244 00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,912 Gary's first day was spent doing reconnaissance. 1245 00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:07,599 Scouring the streets, looking for clues. 1246 00:51:07,720 --> 00:51:11,156 A motivated Gary Faulkner was a dangerous Gary Faulkner. 1247 00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:16,277 Nothing could stop him when he was on a mission. 1248 00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,960 Nothing could make him lose focus 1249 00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:22,152 when he had a plan. 1250 00:51:22,280 --> 00:51:25,272 These are all things Gary Faulkner told me. 1251 00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,597 You have many diverse kind of sundry spices here. 1252 00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:30,517 I think I can use some of these spices 1253 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,198 in my chicken wing hot sauce, 1254 00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:34,056 but I need molasses, too. 1255 00:51:34,080 --> 00:51:36,071 Molasses. Do you have molasses? 1256 00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:40,110 No, molasses, not jackasses. 1257 00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:41,508 I didn't call you jackasses. 1258 00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,551 I said molasses. 1259 00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:45,400 Not calling you a jack... 1260 00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:47,590 Here you go. 1261 00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,154 Thank you. 1262 00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:04,552 I'm looking for something pretty 1263 00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:06,119 for a young lady. 1264 00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:07,520 - Yes, yes. - She's not even ten. 1265 00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:08,616 Okay? Something exotic, something... 1266 00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:09,789 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1267 00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:10,920 ...something that has 1268 00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:12,473 some flavor to it. 1269 00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:13,919 Now, wait, this could work. 1270 00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:15,189 - This is good. - Yeah. 1271 00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:16,190 This could work. 1272 00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:17,475 Come on, here take this. 1273 00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:18,600 I'm gonna take that. 1274 00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:28,078 Good. 1275 00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:29,997 Good, you got the... you got the long knives. 1276 00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:31,314 You got the short knives. 1277 00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:33,715 You got the... you got the Damascus. 1278 00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:35,796 Check this out. 1279 00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:38,952 Nothing? 1280 00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:40,080 All right. 1281 00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,111 Well, you have a blessed day. 1282 00:52:47,680 --> 00:52:49,079 No, man. 1283 00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:50,920 You're do... you're doing it all wrong, man. 1284 00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:52,393 You're not talking to the meat. 1285 00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,120 That's how come you've got no customers. 1286 00:52:54,160 --> 00:52:56,469 You got to... you got to talk to the meat. 1287 00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:00,440 Goat meat, like all meat, 1288 00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:01,748 has a vertical line 1289 00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:04,599 and it has a horizontal line, 1290 00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:07,598 and at the epicenter of where those two lines cross 1291 00:53:07,720 --> 00:53:08,856 is where the spirit of the meat comes out. 1292 00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:09,756 You say, 1293 00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:11,313 "Thank you, baby goat." 1294 00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:12,589 "Thank you, baby goat." 1295 00:53:12,720 --> 00:53:14,176 "Thank you, baby goat." 1296 00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:17,476 At the end of the first day, 1297 00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:19,750 Gary realized this might be 1298 00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,070 harder than he thought. 1299 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:24,760 If only God could give him a sign. 1300 00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:43,036 Looks like my brother Gary cooked up a storm. 1301 00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:44,639 I couldn't get the molasses, 1302 00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:45,909 but if these aren't the best 1303 00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,553 chicken wings you've ever tasted, 1304 00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:49,272 then I'm not the Donkey King. 1305 00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,709 Thank you, sir, you are so kind. 1306 00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:52,955 Oh. 1307 00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,111 - Mmm. - Mmm. 1308 00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:01,194 Don't worry, sir! 1309 00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:02,799 I-I know a dentist. 1310 00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:03,920 He's very good. 1311 00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:29,554 Okay. 1312 00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,511 Pass that around. 1313 00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:37,389 That's nice. 1314 00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:02,189 I fucking love Pakistan. 1315 00:55:37,720 --> 00:55:39,392 Ride it, cowboy. 1316 00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:40,436 Ride. 1317 00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:41,788 Yeah. 1318 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:47,553 The G... 1319 00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,797 ...wants to get his pinball on. 1320 00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:53,070 No worky? 1321 00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:00,236 There you go. 1322 00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:01,475 Come on, come on, yeah. 1323 00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:03,989 Do you want to play some more? 1324 00:56:04,120 --> 00:56:05,997 Ah, you fucking...! 1325 00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:13,237 Thief! 1326 00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:14,873 Hey! Hey! 1327 00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:16,194 Stop! Hey! 1328 00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:18,595 You stop it! 1329 00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:20,756 Hey! 1330 00:56:24,720 --> 00:56:26,711 You fucking fuck! 1331 00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:37,908 Hey! 1332 00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:44,960 Shit! 1333 00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:08,469 Whoa! 1334 00:57:09,840 --> 00:57:11,671 You know, I'm here to capture The Bearded One, 1335 00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:14,553 so if you have any info on him, please let me know, but really? 1336 00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:16,193 I don't see why you, 1337 00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:18,754 sir, are messing with this young lady. 1338 00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:24,758 All right. 1339 00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:26,393 So, we're gonna do this. 1340 00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:29,671 Step aside, motherfuckers. 1341 00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:33,355 100% pure Japanese Damascus steel. 1342 00:57:33,480 --> 00:57:34,520 Hey, hey, calm down, wait! 1343 00:57:45,800 --> 00:57:48,678 Ah, smell that, sir? 1344 00:57:49,840 --> 00:57:51,319 What's up? 1345 00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:54,352 Smell of a people and a culture clamoring for democracy. 1346 00:57:57,680 --> 00:57:59,477 And aloo paratha. 1347 00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,153 That the bread thing? 1348 00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:04,111 - Yeah, with the potato inside. - Yeah, yeah. 1349 00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:05,856 - I like that, I like that. - It's delicious. 1350 00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,438 I mean, they make some good stuff here. 1351 00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:08,560 Bread was invented here 1352 00:58:08,680 --> 00:58:09,556 in the lndus river valley. 1353 00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:10,680 - Really? - Yeah. 1354 00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:12,034 That's great. Fascinating. 1355 00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:13,036 What's this? 1356 00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:14,160 This... 1357 00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:16,350 regards an American samurai 1358 00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,436 who is at loose in the slums of lslamabad. 1359 00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:19,976 - What does that mean? - He appeared out of nowhere 1360 00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,037 and he botched an ongoing investigation. 1361 00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:43,515 An American ninja. 1362 00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,517 - Samurai. - An American samurai. 1363 00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:47,835 American Ninja was a movie, 1985, Michael Dudikoff. 1364 00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,080 So, who is the guy? 1365 00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:00,160 We have no idea. 1366 00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:01,200 Well, let's find out. 1367 00:59:01,280 --> 00:59:02,759 I will. 1368 00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:53,555 - Gorgeous sunset. - Oh! 1369 00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,680 - Jesus. - Sorry. 1370 00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,028 Don't do that. 1371 00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,752 - I wasn't trying to scare you. - God. 1372 00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:00,755 What do you think? 1373 01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:02,996 Why you have a thobe? 1374 01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:05,116 You still want to go undercover, don't you? 1375 01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:07,117 Please? 1376 01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:08,673 Look, you're too tall. 1377 01:00:08,800 --> 01:00:10,552 You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. 1378 01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:11,976 I'm not pretending to be Pakistani. 1379 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,479 What are you going to be? 1380 01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:15,591 I'm going to be a, uh, a national living abroad. 1381 01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:17,631 A South African, a Dutchman. 1382 01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:19,677 A Norwegian, perhaps... a farmer. 1383 01:00:19,840 --> 01:00:21,353 - W... you have this... - A mercenary. 1384 01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:23,471 ...bizarre fantasy that somehow 1385 01:00:23,640 --> 01:00:26,757 you're the Dutch James Bond or something. 1386 01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:28,279 I love James Bond. 1387 01:00:28,400 --> 01:00:29,696 The Living Daylights was on last night. 1388 01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,948 Timothy Dalton... 1389 01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:32,911 - greatest Bond of all time. - No. 1390 01:00:33,040 --> 01:00:34,234 - No? - No, no, no. 1391 01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:35,576 Who do you like... oh, Sean Connery? 1392 01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:36,715 No. 1393 01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:38,717 - Roger Moore? - No. 1394 01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:40,512 The-the new guy with the... 1395 01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:42,676 - The m... the Russian thug? No. - ...muscles? 1396 01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:46,630 What's happening with our American samurai? 1397 01:00:46,760 --> 01:00:50,753 American samurai, actual name, Gary Faulkner. 1398 01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:52,836 He's been indicted several times, 1399 01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:54,592 minor, uh, misdemeanors. 1400 01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:58,554 Works as a handyman. 1401 01:00:58,680 --> 01:01:00,591 He's searching for Osama bin Laden. 1402 01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:02,776 What do you mean, "he's searching for Osama bin Laden?" 1403 01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:03,800 He's obsessed. 1404 01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:04,949 If this fucking lunatic's 1405 01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:06,195 anywhere near him, 1406 01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:07,514 I'm truly fucked. 1407 01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:08,936 - Do you understand me? - That's true. 1408 01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:10,136 So this cannot happen, all right? 1409 01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:11,416 - This is worse... - This is on you. 1410 01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:12,998 This is worse than the $5 million. 1411 01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:14,838 It's wo... it's worse than the $5 million, 1412 01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:17,030 so you know what? Do your job. 1413 01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:19,037 Find this guy. Bring him in. 1414 01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:21,355 And we're going to neutralize him. 1415 01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,430 Welcome Al-Qaeda crips to my cave. 1416 01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:30,840 My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden. 1417 01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:32,712 But this is my homies on the left here. 1418 01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:34,656 This guy here, he make them white boys tremble, 1419 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:36,136 so we just call him Milkshake, you know. 1420 01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:37,878 We got one DVD box set, 1421 01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:39,149 Seinfeld, man. 1422 01:01:39,280 --> 01:01:40,656 D-don't know... Jews are funny, man. 1423 01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:42,136 - Like Kramer. - Jerry! 1424 01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:44,754 Osama, Osama Jr., Osama III, 1425 01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:46,640 'cause Osama Junior Junior Junior was stupid. 1426 01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:48,520 Yo, Muhammad, third from the right, who's she? 1427 01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:49,709 My main man, ldi Amin. 1428 01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:51,056 Pulled some tight shit in Uganda. 1429 01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:52,080 You know what I'm saying? 1430 01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:53,349 Ayatollah Khomeini. 1431 01:01:53,520 --> 01:01:55,078 This guy got mad beard skills, man. 1432 01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:56,838 Got the baddest motherfucker alive, 1433 01:01:56,960 --> 01:01:58,029 George W. Bush. 1434 01:01:58,160 --> 01:02:00,754 Oh, God! 1435 01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:37,680 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 1436 01:02:37,720 --> 01:02:39,472 Oh, my God! 1437 01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:42,512 - Get in the truck, Gary. - Yes, my... 1438 01:02:47,320 --> 01:02:51,154 I'm sorry. 1439 01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:55,238 Where are you going, Gary? 1440 01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:56,793 I don't know. 1441 01:02:56,920 --> 01:02:58,911 You don't even know where you're going, do you? 1442 01:02:59,040 --> 01:03:01,076 You're just wandering around aimlessly. 1443 01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:02,918 No particular direction. 1444 01:03:03,040 --> 01:03:05,190 No better than a paramecium. 1445 01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:06,196 A what? 1446 01:03:06,320 --> 01:03:08,197 A paramecium, Gary. 1447 01:03:08,320 --> 01:03:09,594 It's a single cellular life form 1448 01:03:09,760 --> 01:03:10,988 I created some time ago. 1449 01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:12,678 I was pretty proud of it back then. 1450 01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:14,320 Still around to this day, because Noah, 1451 01:03:14,400 --> 01:03:16,376 in his infinite wisdom, chose to put it on the Ark, 1452 01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:17,720 along with syphilis and gonorrhea. 1453 01:03:17,840 --> 01:03:20,559 Y-you're all-knowing, right? 1454 01:03:20,680 --> 01:03:21,976 Yeah, yeah, I am, all-knowing. Yeah. 1455 01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:23,256 Well, then, why don't you help me? 1456 01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:24,296 I mean, just like a-a drop. 1457 01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:25,150 Helping hint. 1458 01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:26,594 There's no hints, Gary. 1459 01:03:26,720 --> 01:03:29,109 This is not a treasure hunt, or a quiz show. 1460 01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:30,998 You got freedom of choice. 1461 01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:32,513 Freedom of thought. 1462 01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:34,216 Do you know how beautiful that is? I mean, 1463 01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:35,656 I know every thought before you think it, 1464 01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:36,856 and let me tell you, a lot of the thoughts 1465 01:03:36,880 --> 01:03:38,108 you got coming up 1466 01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:39,753 are pretty fucking stupid. I am God. 1467 01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:41,757 I am the question and the answer. 1468 01:03:41,920 --> 01:03:43,990 - Yes, my Lord! - What's this now? 1469 01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:45,176 What's this? It's not Aladdin. 1470 01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:46,428 I'm not a genie. 1471 01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:48,073 You are genuflecting too aggressively. 1472 01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,713 You're gonna set off the airbag. 1473 01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:51,536 Well, uh, of course, I could be wrong, my Lord. 1474 01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:53,437 My Sweet Lord, but I-I think this model 1475 01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:54,993 doesn't come with airbags. 1476 01:03:55,120 --> 01:03:56,553 Shut up, Gary! 1477 01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:57,715 Shut up! 1478 01:03:57,840 --> 01:03:59,193 Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry. 1479 01:03:59,320 --> 01:04:01,197 I'm just... I'm just lost. 1480 01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:04,118 You got any idea how many times I hear that every day? 1481 01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:05,593 "I'm lost, then I was found. 1482 01:04:05,720 --> 01:04:07,039 I'm blind, now I can see." 1483 01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:08,976 I'm tired of that lost shepherd, lost sheep shit. 1484 01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:10,353 Yes, Lord. 1485 01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:12,357 - Don't fucking "Yes, Lord" me. - Yes, Lord. 1486 01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:13,856 - I said don't say that. - Yes, Lord. 1487 01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:15,677 - Gary! -Yes, Lord. - What? -No, Lord. 1488 01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,633 - Are you saying no to me, Gary? - No! 1489 01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:21,115 I'm doing too much shit to worry about this. 1490 01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,629 I've got 14 trillion things to deal with right now. 1491 01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:26,638 I'm doing a million things in this moment. 1492 01:04:26,760 --> 01:04:28,910 I'm dealing with Hezbollah, Ebola, 1493 01:04:29,040 --> 01:04:30,758 some guy called Obama, Coca-Cola. 1494 01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:32,199 I got a lot of shit to deal with. 1495 01:04:32,320 --> 01:04:33,320 Do you understand me? 1496 01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:34,919 But I just want you to be happy. 1497 01:04:35,040 --> 01:04:37,429 Well, then, Gary, try this. 1498 01:04:37,600 --> 01:04:41,275 I help those that help themselves. 1499 01:04:47,040 --> 01:04:48,951 Gary began to battle episodes 1500 01:04:49,080 --> 01:04:52,117 of paranoid hallucinations. 1501 01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:55,670 Maybe it was because he had gone weeks without dialysis. 1502 01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:59,156 Maybe it was because he had smoked, in his words, 1503 01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:02,636 "A shit-ton of hash." 1504 01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:21,793 He sensed eyes on him, 1505 01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:25,310 and saw danger in every corner. 1506 01:05:27,480 --> 01:05:28,959 Hey! 1507 01:05:30,040 --> 01:05:31,109 Give me that moped. 1508 01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:32,429 Give me that thing. 1509 01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:34,357 Give it up. 1510 01:05:36,040 --> 01:05:37,598 Get out of my way! 1511 01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:00,920 You're letting him get away. 1512 01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:02,109 My handle was bad. 1513 01:06:02,240 --> 01:06:04,356 You're letting him get away! 1514 01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:09,957 Technically, a yacht is, uh, 1515 01:06:10,080 --> 01:06:11,308 anything over 30 feet. 1516 01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:12,736 This was just below, it was about 26, 1517 01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:13,976 so I wouldn't say it was a yacht. 1518 01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:15,096 What was the yacht for? 1519 01:06:15,120 --> 01:06:16,599 Uh, sailing in San Diego. 1520 01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:18,312 - Business? - Uh, yeah. Sure, business. 1521 01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:20,176 Wh... no. I was trying to get Osama bin Laden. 1522 01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:21,936 That's what I'm here for. We've already been over this. 1523 01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:23,616 Uh-huh. And-and so what were you doing in the yacht? 1524 01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:25,480 - Were you smuggling? - No, I wasn't smuggling. 1525 01:06:25,560 --> 01:06:26,709 I was trying to get here. 1526 01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,593 - Who are you working with? - Uh... 1527 01:06:29,720 --> 01:06:31,336 I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. 1528 01:06:31,360 --> 01:06:32,793 - MI-5. - No. 1529 01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:34,035 - SAVAC? - No. 1530 01:06:34,160 --> 01:06:35,513 - Mossad. - No. 1531 01:06:35,640 --> 01:06:36,390 - It was... - No, no. 1532 01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:37,748 I'm a lone wolf. 1533 01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,711 - Is that your handler? - My handler? 1534 01:06:39,840 --> 01:06:41,400 - I don't have a handler. - You and who? 1535 01:06:41,480 --> 01:06:43,038 - No, it's just me. You know, - And? 1536 01:06:43,160 --> 01:06:44,296 I-I don't expect someone like you 1537 01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:45,640 - would understand that. - Try me. 1538 01:06:45,760 --> 01:06:47,876 - Just give me a name. Any name. Any contact. 1539 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,072 All right, well, we can talk about that one right now. 1540 01:06:51,200 --> 01:06:52,758 I-I... it's just me and God. 1541 01:06:52,880 --> 01:06:54,074 Is-is he your handler, God? 1542 01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:55,553 You don't know who God is? 1543 01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:58,672 - He's God! - Where is he currently? 1544 01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,199 - Can we talk to him? - God? 1545 01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:02,080 - Yeah, can I talk to him? - He's everywhere. 1546 01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:03,376 - Do you have an email address? - He's everywhere. 1547 01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:04,600 Just one place. Name one place. 1548 01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:05,880 Uh, he's right here, right now. 1549 01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:07,956 - You know what I'm going to do? - What? 1550 01:07:08,080 --> 01:07:09,376 I'm going to make your life a living hell. 1551 01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:10,496 'Cause I can do that. 1552 01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:11,600 - 'Cause I have power. - Oh! 1553 01:07:11,720 --> 01:07:13,756 - Is that a threat? - Yeah. Yeah. 1554 01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,433 All right, this is it. 1555 01:07:15,560 --> 01:07:16,879 You know what? 1556 01:07:17,000 --> 01:07:18,736 You'll never even travel again. You're grounded. 1557 01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:21,718 I am going to send you out of here right now 1558 01:07:21,840 --> 01:07:23,796 to pack up your shit, and we're going to 1559 01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:25,376 - put you on a plane, - Deporting you. 1560 01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,096 - And send you back to America. - I love this. 1561 01:07:27,120 --> 01:07:28,480 - Thank you. - Where you will stay. 1562 01:07:28,520 --> 01:07:29,840 - Okay. - You will never come back 1563 01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:31,108 - to Pakistan again. - Okay. 1564 01:07:31,240 --> 01:07:32,559 - Buh-bye. - All right. Bye-bye. 1565 01:07:32,680 --> 01:07:33,795 Bye-bye. 1566 01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:36,912 Maybe we should turn him. 1567 01:07:37,040 --> 01:07:38,393 Make him one of ours. 1568 01:07:38,520 --> 01:07:41,239 He's got the goods. 1569 01:07:41,360 --> 01:07:43,237 I just want to say thank you. 1570 01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:46,193 It was good and it was cheap, 1571 01:07:46,320 --> 01:07:47,320 and-and you're my friend, 1572 01:07:47,440 --> 01:07:48,736 - and I love you. - Thank you, sir. 1573 01:07:48,760 --> 01:07:50,113 You're so kind. 1574 01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:51,468 You'll be always welcome. 1575 01:07:51,600 --> 01:07:53,989 Thank you, sir. 1576 01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:55,314 Shareef Hahsid, 1577 01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,953 thank you for keeping me safe. 1578 01:08:00,920 --> 01:08:02,433 Thank you. 1579 01:08:02,560 --> 01:08:03,560 - Bye, sir. - Bye. 1580 01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:04,908 Have a nice trip. 1581 01:08:05,040 --> 01:08:06,640 - We will miss you. - I'll miss you, too. 1582 01:08:06,720 --> 01:08:09,598 - Maybe I like to visit America one time. - Oh, man. 1583 01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:12,996 - You gotta come with me to America, dude. - Yeah, yeah. 1584 01:08:13,120 --> 01:08:14,792 - If you come back another time, - Abso... 1585 01:08:14,920 --> 01:08:16,656 - I want to visit your mother place. - Absolutely, Shareef. 1586 01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:17,896 - Yeah, take care. - Absolutely. 1587 01:08:17,920 --> 01:08:19,478 Get down! 1588 01:08:21,400 --> 01:08:23,834 It was later learned that the shots fired 1589 01:08:23,960 --> 01:08:26,554 from the rooftop were not from an Al-Qaeda sniper, 1590 01:08:26,680 --> 01:08:28,238 but the result of a dispute 1591 01:08:28,360 --> 01:08:30,669 between the shooter 1592 01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:32,995 and the hotel's security guard, 1593 01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:36,157 concerning one of the man 's two wives and a goat. 1594 01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:37,633 Sorry. 1595 01:08:37,800 --> 01:08:39,119 Sorry, sorry, comi ng through. 1596 01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:40,240 Sorry, coming through. 1597 01:08:57,240 --> 01:09:00,630 Goddamn it! Fucking scaffolding?! 1598 01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:04,480 Next time use a backup line. 1599 01:09:22,840 --> 01:09:24,717 Taxi! Taxi! 1600 01:09:24,840 --> 01:09:26,558 My friend! My friend! 1601 01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:29,154 - Taxi! - I will give you a ride. Come. 1602 01:09:30,200 --> 01:09:31,918 Do you see that motorcycle? 1603 01:09:32,040 --> 01:09:33,189 - Follow him. - Like movie. 1604 01:09:33,320 --> 01:09:34,992 Yeah. Like movie, 1605 01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:36,120 although real. 1606 01:09:36,200 --> 01:09:38,111 Go, Havidee, go! 1607 01:09:40,640 --> 01:09:41,993 Ah! Fuck! 1608 01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,311 We have been driving for two hours. 1609 01:09:48,440 --> 01:09:50,590 I'm running out of gas. 1610 01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:54,235 That son-of-a-bitch is Al-Qaeda. 1611 01:09:54,360 --> 01:09:56,032 That is his name, Al-Qaeda? 1612 01:09:56,160 --> 01:09:57,960 - No, he's in Al-Qaeda. - He is? 1613 01:09:58,040 --> 01:09:59,598 That's right. And he's going to lead us 1614 01:09:59,720 --> 01:10:01,312 - to Osama bin Laden. - Us? 1615 01:10:01,440 --> 01:10:03,510 - Are you serious? - I'm damn serious. 1616 01:10:03,640 --> 01:10:05,153 There he is. He's going up the hill. 1617 01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:06,508 Follow him. 1618 01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:08,016 I'm telling you, we're gonna lose this guy. 1619 01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:09,109 I cannot, my friend. 1620 01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:11,549 This old thing will not make it up the road. 1621 01:10:11,680 --> 01:10:13,272 All right. Look, I understand. 1622 01:10:13,400 --> 01:10:15,630 Are you sure you won't come back with me? 1623 01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:17,955 We could have tea and talk about football and women. 1624 01:10:18,080 --> 01:10:20,071 Maybe some day, my friend. Maybe some day, 1625 01:10:20,200 --> 01:10:23,158 but right now, I've got a job to do. 1626 01:10:33,960 --> 01:10:36,110 After all the hardships, 1627 01:10:36,240 --> 01:10:37,593 the struggles, 1628 01:10:37,720 --> 01:10:39,119 the wrong turns, 1629 01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:41,754 Gary had caught the scent of his quarry. 1630 01:10:41,920 --> 01:10:46,914 Osama bin Laden was just over this hill. 1631 01:10:48,480 --> 01:10:50,152 Hello. 1632 01:10:50,280 --> 01:10:52,236 Shit. 1633 01:10:55,240 --> 01:10:59,756 ♪ Everybody really wants to know ♪ 1634 01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:04,078 ♪ How it is that I love you so. ♪ 1635 01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:08,193 Hi, God. 1636 01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:10,231 Hey, Gary. 1637 01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:12,237 Here you are, 1638 01:11:12,360 --> 01:11:14,430 closer to him 1639 01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:15,675 than ever. 1640 01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:17,711 And he's out here, isn't he? 1641 01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:19,796 You feel him, Gary. 1642 01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:21,996 He's out here. 1643 01:11:30,400 --> 01:11:34,791 I was irresponsible in making your species. 1644 01:11:34,920 --> 01:11:37,673 Cursing you with consciousness. 1645 01:11:42,440 --> 01:11:44,556 Gary. 1646 01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:46,830 I'm just like you. 1647 01:11:46,960 --> 01:11:50,111 A handyman trying to fix up a cosmic shack 1648 01:11:50,280 --> 01:11:53,670 with a nail here and a lick of paint there. 1649 01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:58,191 Knowing that the building really needs to be condemned. 1650 01:11:58,320 --> 01:12:02,108 People say that I made you in my image, 1651 01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:05,277 but the truth is, 1652 01:12:05,400 --> 01:12:07,152 you made me in yours. 1653 01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:12,390 That's why we're in trouble. 1654 01:12:26,800 --> 01:12:27,915 The G is in the air. 1655 01:12:29,360 --> 01:12:31,396 King Donkey's in the sky. 1656 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:34,389 Hey, there. 1657 01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:35,669 It's me. 1658 01:12:35,800 --> 01:12:36,869 It's the G. 1659 01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:39,355 What the hell? 1660 01:12:40,480 --> 01:12:42,835 Oh, shit. 1661 01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:47,234 I see you, Binny boy. 1662 01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:48,873 The time has come. 1663 01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,797 The G has arrived. 1664 01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:13,718 Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah. 1665 01:13:13,840 --> 01:13:16,593 Y-y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah! 1666 01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:19,075 Bin salam alaikum Binny boy. 1667 01:13:19,200 --> 01:13:21,430 Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner. 1668 01:13:21,560 --> 01:13:23,198 This is where you live? 1669 01:13:23,320 --> 01:13:24,799 This shit hole? 1670 01:13:24,960 --> 01:13:27,269 What happened to the place I saw on TV? 1671 01:13:27,400 --> 01:13:28,628 W-What place was that, Gary? 1672 01:13:28,760 --> 01:13:29,988 Your crib, man. 1673 01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:31,519 Don't you watch TV? 1674 01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:33,756 You had all those photos with the terrorists. 1675 01:13:33,880 --> 01:13:35,598 Your own customized pinball machine. 1676 01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:38,877 - Pin... what is pinball? - Don't fuck with me. 1677 01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:40,736 Gary, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. 1678 01:13:40,760 --> 01:13:42,113 You know it's really very simple. 1679 01:13:42,240 --> 01:13:43,656 Let me see if I can explain it to you 1680 01:13:43,680 --> 01:13:47,434 in words you might be able to understand. 1681 01:13:47,560 --> 01:13:48,936 America's the greatest country on Earth. 1682 01:13:48,960 --> 01:13:50,296 I'm not talking about the government. 1683 01:13:50,320 --> 01:13:51,416 I might even agree with you there, 1684 01:13:51,440 --> 01:13:52,634 a bunch of crooks and liars. 1685 01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:54,637 I'm talking about the people, Osama. 1686 01:13:54,760 --> 01:13:55,760 They're good people. 1687 01:13:55,800 --> 01:13:57,233 Gary, stop it. Stop talking. 1688 01:13:57,360 --> 01:13:58,759 - Uh, oh. - Shut up. 1689 01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:00,711 - Shut up, is that what you're saying? - Yes. 1690 01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:02,558 I don't really know how you got in here, 1691 01:14:02,680 --> 01:14:04,432 or what you're even doing here, 1692 01:14:04,560 --> 01:14:06,152 but I'm going to give you one chance 1693 01:14:06,280 --> 01:14:07,759 to turn around and leave. 1694 01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:09,056 Oh, you're going to give me a chance. 1695 01:14:09,080 --> 01:14:10,080 Yes. 1696 01:14:10,160 --> 01:14:11,912 See, I'm Osama bin Lad... 1697 01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:13,376 Don't laugh. I'm Osa... 1698 01:14:13,400 --> 01:14:14,753 Hey. 1699 01:14:14,880 --> 01:14:16,677 - No, I'm Osama bin Laden. - Okay. 1700 01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:18,096 Yeah, and I'm the head of the Al-Qaeda. 1701 01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:20,429 And I will not rest until my mission 1702 01:14:20,600 --> 01:14:22,955 is accomplished, or at least until I die a glorious 1703 01:14:23,080 --> 01:14:24,752 fiery death trying. Stop laughing. 1704 01:14:24,880 --> 01:14:27,713 I had a feeling you were going to say something like that. 1705 01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:29,592 In that case... 1706 01:14:29,720 --> 01:14:32,075 looks like I've got a job to do. 1707 01:14:33,200 --> 01:14:34,200 Un-fucking-believable. 1708 01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:39,715 Ooh! 1709 01:14:42,520 --> 01:14:43,953 No! No! 1710 01:14:45,680 --> 01:14:46,749 No! 1711 01:14:46,880 --> 01:14:48,359 Aha! 1712 01:14:55,800 --> 01:14:56,869 Shit! 1713 01:15:07,280 --> 01:15:09,032 My fingers are tingling! 1714 01:15:09,160 --> 01:15:11,040 It's not my fucking fault. I didn't expect that. 1715 01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:29,833 Stop that. 1716 01:15:30,000 --> 01:15:31,399 ♪ How it is that ♪ 1717 01:15:31,520 --> 01:15:32,976 - ♪ I love you so ♪ - What are you doing? 1718 01:15:33,000 --> 01:15:34,149 - ♪ My Money ♪ - Lunatic. 1719 01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:35,395 ♪ Call me honey ♪ 1720 01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:36,536 Just fucking fight normally, guy. 1721 01:15:36,560 --> 01:15:37,788 ♪ Let me say how ♪ 1722 01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:38,976 - ♪ There's just a ♪ - We brawl. 1723 01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:40,558 ♪ Wave of his hand. ♪ Shut up! 1724 01:15:40,720 --> 01:15:43,359 Let it kill. 1725 01:15:43,480 --> 01:15:45,198 I won! I won! 1726 01:15:51,720 --> 01:15:53,517 Mr. Faulkner. 1727 01:15:55,480 --> 01:15:56,629 - Good morning. - Hi. 1728 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,034 How are you feeling? 1729 01:15:58,160 --> 01:15:59,736 - Can I get you anything? A Pepsi? - Stop, stop it. 1730 01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:01,056 He's a diabetic; don't give him a Pepsi. 1731 01:16:01,080 --> 01:16:02,336 You're gonna throw him into shock. 1732 01:16:02,360 --> 01:16:03,952 - Where am I? Where am I? - Diet Pepsi? 1733 01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,376 - You are in a hospital - A U.S. hospital. 1734 01:16:05,400 --> 01:16:06,536 - In Islamabad. - You were found 1735 01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:08,152 in a field unconscious. 1736 01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:09,349 Where's Osama? 1737 01:16:10,480 --> 01:16:11,515 Osama?! 1738 01:16:12,720 --> 01:16:14,233 Gosh, he's not here. 1739 01:16:14,360 --> 01:16:16,456 - What about the cave? - Mr. Faulkner, there are millions 1740 01:16:16,480 --> 01:16:17,629 of caves in Pakistan. 1741 01:16:17,800 --> 01:16:19,080 I don't think you were in a cave. 1742 01:16:19,200 --> 01:16:20,633 Even if you were in a cave, 1743 01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:22,336 we wouldn't be able to identify which cave you were in. 1744 01:16:22,360 --> 01:16:24,715 - You let him go! - You know what, you're frustrated. 1745 01:16:24,840 --> 01:16:26,296 - Calm down, your heart. - We're all frustrated, 1746 01:16:26,320 --> 01:16:27,435 Mr. Faulkner. 1747 01:16:27,600 --> 01:16:29,480 - I had Osama bin Laden! - You did not have him! 1748 01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:31,240 - And you let him go! - You never had him! 1749 01:16:31,360 --> 01:16:32,076 - Don't you bother me. - You never had... 1750 01:16:32,200 --> 01:16:33,280 You let Osama bin Laden go. 1751 01:16:33,400 --> 01:16:34,913 - Stay, please. - You never had 1752 01:16:35,040 --> 01:16:36,234 - OBL! - I had him! 1753 01:16:36,400 --> 01:16:38,072 You let him go! 1754 01:17:03,560 --> 01:17:04,560 - Hey. - Oh, oh! 1755 01:17:06,200 --> 01:17:07,616 - I'm back. - Oh, my God, get in here. 1756 01:17:07,640 --> 01:17:09,312 - Okay. - Oh, my God. 1757 01:17:09,440 --> 01:17:10,953 Lizzie! 1758 01:17:11,080 --> 01:17:12,080 Guess who it is? 1759 01:17:12,160 --> 01:17:13,434 There she is! 1760 01:17:13,560 --> 01:17:14,675 Oh, I've got surprises. 1761 01:17:14,800 --> 01:17:16,472 I've got goodies. 1762 01:17:16,600 --> 01:17:18,238 Oh, look at this. 1763 01:17:18,400 --> 01:17:19,799 You know what this is? 1764 01:17:19,920 --> 01:17:21,069 Look. 1765 01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:23,760 This is an exotic dress from Pakistan. 1766 01:17:24,880 --> 01:17:25,949 Isn't that nice? 1767 01:17:26,080 --> 01:17:27,798 - That is gorgeous. - Yeah, well, 1768 01:17:27,920 --> 01:17:29,360 they were very nice there. They were. 1769 01:17:29,400 --> 01:17:30,799 They were very welcoming, 1770 01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,216 and one day I'd like to take both of you there. 1771 01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:33,116 It'd be an adventure. 1772 01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:34,240 We'd love to go. 1773 01:17:34,360 --> 01:17:35,236 - Yeah. - Right? 1774 01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:36,360 Yeah. 1775 01:17:36,480 --> 01:17:37,549 I hope you don't mind. 1776 01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:39,238 I called a radio station, 1777 01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:40,760 and-and I told them all about you... 1778 01:17:40,840 --> 01:17:41,896 - Radio station? - ...and I think they want 1779 01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:43,069 - to interview you... - Oh. 1780 01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:44,336 ...later on this week, if that's okay. 1781 01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:45,236 An interview? 1782 01:17:45,360 --> 01:17:46,918 Well, I'd have to check my schedule. 1783 01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:48,268 You know, I have a lot to do. 1784 01:17:48,400 --> 01:17:50,595 I'm-I'm planning and training and... 1785 01:17:50,720 --> 01:17:52,631 but, uh, well, we'll see, we'll see. 1786 01:17:52,760 --> 01:17:54,079 - Yeah. - Oh. 1787 01:17:54,200 --> 01:17:55,536 - I'm glad you're home. - I'm glad to be back. 1788 01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:56,816 - I am. - I'm so glad you're home. 1789 01:17:56,840 --> 01:17:57,936 - I'm so glad I'm home. - Thank you. 1790 01:17:57,960 --> 01:17:59,109 I'm so glad I'm home. 1791 01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:00,576 - Okay, you want to try this on? - Yeah. 1792 01:18:00,600 --> 01:18:03,592 Duh-duh-duh-duh! 1793 01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:04,596 - Huh? - Oh! 1794 01:18:04,720 --> 01:18:05,789 Yeah! 1795 01:18:05,920 --> 01:18:06,920 You look great. 1796 01:18:08,200 --> 01:18:09,633 I'll get it! 1797 01:18:13,440 --> 01:18:15,192 - Gary! Gary! Gary! - The fuck! 1798 01:18:15,320 --> 01:18:17,436 Oh, shit! 1799 01:18:17,560 --> 01:18:19,118 Oh, my God. 1800 01:18:19,240 --> 01:18:20,536 Tell us about your experiences. 1801 01:18:20,560 --> 01:18:22,232 Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden, yeah. 1802 01:18:22,360 --> 01:18:23,856 Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary. 1803 01:18:23,880 --> 01:18:25,552 He's on the radio. 1804 01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:27,536 Uh, tell us, Gary, how did you finance the trip? 1805 01:18:27,560 --> 01:18:29,516 Yeah, I lied to my kidney doctor. 1806 01:18:29,680 --> 01:18:31,272 I told him I bought an engagement ring, 1807 01:18:31,400 --> 01:18:34,278 but really I bought a boat and sailed to Pakistan. 1808 01:18:36,720 --> 01:18:38,096 Most people thought I was crazy, 1809 01:18:38,120 --> 01:18:39,720 but I guess to my friends, I seem normal. 1810 01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:41,114 Yeah. 1811 01:18:41,240 --> 01:18:42,496 You know, I really could not 1812 01:18:42,520 --> 01:18:43,776 have done anything without Marci, 1813 01:18:43,800 --> 01:18:44,880 and you know what they say. 1814 01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:46,592 It's easier to beg for forgiveness 1815 01:18:46,720 --> 01:18:48,597 than to ask for permission. 1816 01:18:48,720 --> 01:18:52,474 Hollywood called, and they want to make a movie about The G, 1817 01:18:52,600 --> 01:18:54,397 and they said, "Who do you want to play you? 1818 01:18:54,520 --> 01:18:56,636 Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?" 1819 01:18:56,760 --> 01:18:57,988 I thought, "I don't know." 1820 01:18:58,120 --> 01:18:59,599 And then they brought up Nic Cage. 1821 01:18:59,720 --> 01:19:01,597 I said, "Nic Cage did Con Air." 1822 01:19:01,720 --> 01:19:04,757 Don't you think I look a little like Nic Cage in Con Air? 1823 01:19:08,720 --> 01:19:10,472 Let me help you with the groceries. 1824 01:19:10,640 --> 01:19:12,198 - I can get that. - Thanks. 1825 01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:14,675 Yeah. 1826 01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:17,589 Lettuce. 1827 01:19:17,720 --> 01:19:18,720 Oh, thanks. 1828 01:19:18,840 --> 01:19:19,989 Oh, wow. 1829 01:19:20,120 --> 01:19:21,758 Roasted marshmallows are the best. 1830 01:19:21,880 --> 01:19:23,029 These are the best. 1831 01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:28,276 Um... you know, I was going to make veggie lasagna tonight. 1832 01:19:28,400 --> 01:19:30,391 I'd love to but... 1833 01:19:30,520 --> 01:19:31,800 I-I-I got to be straight with you 1834 01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:33,558 because I know it's important, you know. 1835 01:19:33,680 --> 01:19:36,353 I-I'm going back to Pakistan. 1836 01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:41,633 You're going back to Pakistan. 1837 01:19:41,760 --> 01:19:43,637 Well, yeah, I got to get the job done. 1838 01:19:43,760 --> 01:19:45,193 Are you afraid of anything? 1839 01:19:45,320 --> 01:19:46,389 Does anything scare you? 1840 01:19:46,520 --> 01:19:48,238 Islands. 1841 01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:49,634 Islands? What do you mean? 1842 01:19:49,800 --> 01:19:51,336 - Like... island-islands? - Yeah... yeah. 1843 01:19:51,360 --> 01:19:52,679 Like Hawaii? 1844 01:19:52,800 --> 01:19:54,136 Yeah, most people are afraid of islands. 1845 01:19:54,160 --> 01:19:55,800 They just don't know it, but it's natural. 1846 01:19:55,880 --> 01:19:57,856 It's natural to fear them because when you're on an island 1847 01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:59,313 you're surrounded and stuff, 1848 01:19:59,480 --> 01:20:00,536 and, anyway, I'm more inclined 1849 01:20:00,560 --> 01:20:01,760 'cause I'm a Leo, and lions... 1850 01:20:01,840 --> 01:20:03,056 they just have no place on an island. 1851 01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,080 I mean, that's a fact. 1852 01:20:04,120 --> 01:20:05,120 That's a fact. 1853 01:20:08,880 --> 01:20:11,110 Do you want to know what I'm afraid of? 1854 01:20:11,280 --> 01:20:12,395 Bats. 1855 01:20:12,520 --> 01:20:13,669 No. 1856 01:20:14,760 --> 01:20:16,557 That's all I got. 1857 01:20:16,680 --> 01:20:19,353 It's a long list. 1858 01:20:19,480 --> 01:20:21,391 Well, hey, listen... 1859 01:20:21,520 --> 01:20:23,317 as long as I'm around, 1860 01:20:23,440 --> 01:20:26,591 if you need any help slaying any demons, 1861 01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:28,199 I'm your man. 1862 01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:30,470 And what about when you're not here? 1863 01:20:39,760 --> 01:20:41,273 - Come on. - Where's Lizzie? 1864 01:20:41,400 --> 01:20:42,913 School. 1865 01:20:48,960 --> 01:20:50,837 Come on. 1866 01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:02,433 Tonight, I can report to the American people 1867 01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:05,313 that the United States has conducted an operation 1868 01:21:05,440 --> 01:21:07,908 that killed Osama bin Laden, 1869 01:21:08,040 --> 01:21:09,155 the leader of Al-Qaeda. 1870 01:21:09,280 --> 01:21:11,510 The images of 9/11 are seared 1871 01:21:11,640 --> 01:21:12,959 into our national memory. 1872 01:21:13,080 --> 01:21:14,308 And a terrorist 1873 01:21:14,440 --> 01:21:16,396 responsible for the murder of thousands 1874 01:21:16,520 --> 01:21:18,033 of innocent men, 1875 01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:19,275 women, and children. 1876 01:21:19,400 --> 01:21:21,356 Jet planes... cutting through... 1877 01:21:21,520 --> 01:21:23,511 a cloudless September sky. 1878 01:21:23,640 --> 01:21:26,552 The Twin Towers collapsing to the ground. 1879 01:21:26,680 --> 01:21:28,216 I determined that we had enough... 1880 01:21:28,240 --> 01:21:30,435 Oh, my God, this is a big day for America, okay. 1881 01:21:30,560 --> 01:21:32,118 Those guys are heroes. 1882 01:21:32,280 --> 01:21:34,635 ...to get Osama bin Laden 1883 01:21:34,760 --> 01:21:36,273 and bring him to justice. 1884 01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:38,630 The United States launched a targeted operation 1885 01:21:38,760 --> 01:21:40,512 against that compound... 1886 01:21:40,640 --> 01:21:41,914 Gary, are you okay? 1887 01:21:42,080 --> 01:21:44,036 Oh, yeah. 1888 01:21:45,120 --> 01:21:46,678 That crazy God of mine. 1889 01:21:46,800 --> 01:21:49,837 He sure works in mysterious ways. 1890 01:21:49,960 --> 01:21:52,235 It's a sign. 1891 01:21:52,360 --> 01:21:54,920 I'd be foolish not to heed it. 1892 01:21:55,040 --> 01:21:58,715 You know, that last construction company offered me a job. 1893 01:22:00,400 --> 01:22:02,277 Maybe it's time we take this to the next level. 1894 01:22:02,920 --> 01:22:04,656 There's no doubt that Al-Qaeda will continue 1895 01:22:04,680 --> 01:22:06,272 to persue attacks against us. 1896 01:22:06,440 --> 01:22:07,896 Traditional procedures 1897 01:22:07,920 --> 01:22:09,751 for lslamic burial were followed. 1898 01:22:09,880 --> 01:22:13,111 The deceased's body was washed, then placed in a white sheet. 1899 01:22:13,280 --> 01:22:16,477 After, the body was placed on a prepared flat board, 1900 01:22:16,600 --> 01:22:18,875 tipped up, whereupon the deceased's body 1901 01:22:19,000 --> 01:22:20,831 slipped into the sea. 1902 01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,394 Well... 1903 01:22:23,520 --> 01:22:25,556 what do you think? 1904 01:22:25,680 --> 01:22:27,671 They buried him at sea. 1905 01:22:27,800 --> 01:22:31,713 Really? 1906 01:22:31,880 --> 01:22:33,791 No pictures yet released, 1907 01:22:33,920 --> 01:22:35,638 but there's still a lot more information... 1908 01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,599 The U.S. government is embarrassed, 1909 01:22:41,720 --> 01:22:45,110 because they have not caught him yet, so they want to make us 1910 01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:47,151 believe that he's dead. 1911 01:22:47,280 --> 01:22:50,397 Otherwise, why not show us his face? 1912 01:22:50,520 --> 01:22:51,839 Show us his body. 1913 01:22:51,960 --> 01:22:53,632 Why-why the burial at sea? 1914 01:22:53,760 --> 01:22:57,639 He's alive and I'm the only one 1915 01:22:57,760 --> 01:22:59,637 who can capture him. 1916 01:22:59,760 --> 01:23:01,955 I am Gary Faulkner. 1917 01:23:02,120 --> 01:23:04,395 I'm the Donkey King. 1918 01:23:04,520 --> 01:23:07,796 It's a lie! 1919 01:23:07,960 --> 01:23:09,359 I'm going back! 1920 01:23:09,480 --> 01:23:10,913 That's right, Lizzie. 1921 01:23:11,040 --> 01:23:12,840 When you find your purpose, you have to do it. 1922 01:23:12,920 --> 01:23:14,911 You have to do it, no matter what. 1923 01:23:15,040 --> 01:23:17,076 Lizzie! Lizzie! 1924 01:23:17,200 --> 01:23:18,872 This is my sword. 1925 01:23:19,000 --> 01:23:20,000 Well, it was my sword. 1926 01:23:20,120 --> 01:23:21,120 Now it's your sword. 1927 01:23:21,240 --> 01:23:23,231 Wait a minute. 1928 01:23:23,360 --> 01:23:24,634 You don't need a sword. 1929 01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:26,830 This is just a stick to hold a balloon. 1930 01:23:28,080 --> 01:23:29,274 Just a handle for joy 1931 01:23:29,440 --> 01:23:31,271 as far as I'm concerned. 1932 01:23:31,440 --> 01:23:33,396 So, you hold on tight, sweetheart, 1933 01:23:33,520 --> 01:23:35,431 because joy comes forever. 1934 01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:38,757 Joy comes forever. 1935 01:23:38,880 --> 01:23:42,509 Aw, I love you, too, sweetheart. 1936 01:23:42,640 --> 01:23:45,438 Don't wait up, babe. 1937 01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:52,991 Gary! 1938 01:23:53,120 --> 01:23:55,509 Come back. 1939 01:23:57,040 --> 01:23:59,713 Don't worry, I will. 1940 01:24:53,600 --> 01:24:55,192 So, why don't you use your free will 1941 01:24:55,360 --> 01:24:56,952 and freedom of choice, 1942 01:24:57,080 --> 01:24:59,310 and then make the decision 1943 01:24:59,440 --> 01:25:02,716 that'll make us both proud. 1944 01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:15,474 What? 1945 01:25:17,640 --> 01:25:19,710 What if I just gave up? 1946 01:25:19,880 --> 01:25:22,189 You, me, and... 1947 01:25:22,320 --> 01:25:26,552 Lizzie, we could just spend some time together. 1948 01:25:32,200 --> 01:25:34,873 I love you, Marci Mitchell. 1949 01:25:37,000 --> 01:25:38,592 I don't know. 1950 01:25:40,880 --> 01:25:42,836 Come on. 1951 01:25:51,680 --> 01:25:53,636 Gary. 1952 01:25:54,680 --> 01:25:56,636 Gary! 1953 01:25:57,880 --> 01:25:58,949 Gary! 1954 01:26:01,040 --> 01:26:03,156 All's I want to go do is take a nap 1955 01:26:03,280 --> 01:26:05,555 for about two days. 1956 01:26:12,880 --> 01:26:15,792 Gary Faulkner from Greeley, Colorado, 1957 01:26:15,920 --> 01:26:18,878 was found alone in a forest in northern Pakistan. 1958 01:26:23,800 --> 01:26:25,296 Well, I was thinking that someone's got to get him. 1959 01:26:25,320 --> 01:26:26,435 Why not me? 1960 01:26:37,480 --> 01:26:38,616 And joining us now exclusively 1961 01:26:38,640 --> 01:26:40,676 this morning is Gary Faulkner. 1962 01:26:40,840 --> 01:26:42,432 - Good morning. - Well, good morning. 1963 01:26:42,560 --> 01:26:43,959 Did you find out where he was? 1964 01:26:44,080 --> 01:26:46,040 Yeah, he's waiting in a cave for me to go get him. 1965 01:27:04,600 --> 01:27:06,096 But because he had broken no laws, 1966 01:27:06,120 --> 01:27:08,475 Pakistan didn't charge him with any crime. 1967 01:27:08,600 --> 01:27:11,433 All of this right here, I didn't even want any of it. 1968 01:27:21,280 --> 01:27:22,872 You were in Pakistan for ten days. 1969 01:27:23,000 --> 01:27:24,797 You were captured by the Pakistani officials. 1970 01:27:29,680 --> 01:27:31,096 His trips cost a lot of money, 1971 01:27:31,120 --> 01:27:32,678 but they were not about him. 1972 01:27:32,800 --> 01:27:34,520 He said they were about the American people. 1973 01:27:39,320 --> 01:27:43,598 I have never met more humble and open people than that. 1974 01:27:51,240 --> 01:27:53,416 Well, how do you go about trying to find Osama bin Laden? 1975 01:27:53,440 --> 01:27:54,634 You don't. 1976 01:27:54,760 --> 01:27:56,830 You let the spirit guide you. 1976 01:27:57,305 --> 01:28:03,703 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org