WEBVTT

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AMY: I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.

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I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,

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and I've been running late ever since.

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My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...

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Love you.

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...then racing to work
where I have meeting,

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after meeting, after meeting.

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I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,

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and I try to work out once a week.

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(SIGHS)
Why do I suck at Zumba?

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Most days,
I race back to school
for the kids' plays,

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and poetry readings and class projects...

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Mom!

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...which I'm always late for.
(MOUTHING) Sorry.

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And then there's PTA meetings,

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and volunteering
and parent-teacher
conferences.

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Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me.

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At least once a day,
I feel like the worst mom
in the world,

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and I cry in my car.

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(WAILING)

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Then I shuttle the kids
to piano lessons
and soccer games

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and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,

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before my daily trip
to the grocery store.

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Ugh.

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This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.

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But I feel like
I'm screwing up
all the time.

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Still, I love being a mom.

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Here, baby.
There's your organic
turkey club sandwich,

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and Dylan,
here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.

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What's peanut-free
peanut butter?

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I have no idea.

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Baby, here's your
American history project
I made you.

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I hope you like it.

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I love you.
I love you!

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Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.

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I love my babies so much!

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God, they hate me.

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Hey, Amy!

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Hey, guys.

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God, I just don't know how you do it.

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You just leave your kids all day

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and go to work?

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You're so strong.

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Yeah, thank you.

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Don't you miss them?

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I do. But I also
need, like, money.

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Right.
STACY: Hmm.

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Oh, gosh, you guys,
I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.

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I'm really late to work.

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Well, you're always late.

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I know. It's basically
the only thing

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I'm good at these days.

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See you guys later.

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God, I just love how hard she works.

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Oh, my God, I love how hard she works.

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I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.

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(TIRES SCREECHING)

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AMY: I work at
a super-hip coffee company.

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I love my job,

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but I'm 32 years old and
I'm the oldest person here
by far.

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Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.

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TESSA: Morning, Momma.

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AMY: Morning, Tessa.

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Oh, my God,
I am so fucking hungover,
I might actually die.

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(CHUCKLES)

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That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.

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Oh.

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Right. Except that I took
like a shitload of
pills this morning,

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so I don't totally know where I am yet.

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You're at work, Tess.

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Oh, perfect.
Yeah.

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May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.

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Is that allowed?
No.

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Good morning.

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TESSA: Hey, boss!

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Good morning, Dale.

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I had a dream last night.

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Ooh.
I was naked in a hotel.

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I'm talking fully naked, dick, balls...

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Yep, got it.

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No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.

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We got it.

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I walk over to the coffee maker

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and there is
a bag of our coffee
in the hotel room.

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Cool dream, Dale.

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Thank you, Tessa.

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(CHUCKLES)
Um...

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Is this your way of saying that

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you wanna start selling
your coffee to
hotels, now?

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No. This is my way
of saying that
I want you

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to start selling
our coffee to
hotels now.

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But Dale, I'm already
running sales
for supermarkets,

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airlines and restaurants.

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I mean,
I'm just part-time.

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You are?
Since when?

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Six years ago!

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(LAUGHS) What?
No way.

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She's here like
every day.
(CHUCKLES)

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(CHUCKLES)
Oh, I know, but I have
a family and stuff, so...

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Hey! You know
how important
family is to me.

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I got it wrote on my arm right there.

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AMY: Oh, wow.

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It's dope, right?
So tight.

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Oh, shit!
I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?

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Yes!
No, Dale!

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I have lots of work to do.

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The History Channel was right.

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You guys are the greatest generation.

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AMY: I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,

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my dog and my husband, Mike.

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He's a successful mortgage broker,

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but sometimes he
feels like my third child.

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Hey, babe.
Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)

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Look at all
the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.

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You look like a Sherpa.

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AMY: Oh!

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You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.

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I appreciate it.

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(GROANS)
Here we go, guys.

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Thanks, honey.

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All right, love.
How was work?

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Oh, I had two
conference calls and then
I took a nap.

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It was exhausting.

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I bet. I bet.
Uh...

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Dylan, baby, how was your science quiz?

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Oh, I got a D.

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A D? But we
worked so hard.

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Baby, what happened?

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Do you need extra help?
Should we get
you another tutor?

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Mmm, nah, I'm good.

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Mike?

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Did you hear?
Dylan got a D
on his science quiz.

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Way to go, bud.

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What? Okay.

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Um...

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Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait!
How was your
soccer tryouts?

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(SIGHS) Coach is posting
a list of who made
the team tonight at 9:00,

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and I'm so nervous.

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Baby, it's okay, relax.
You will make
the soccer team, I promise.

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Just don't freak out.

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(GASPS)
I'm freakin' out.
I am, too.

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What time is it now?
8:59.

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(SIGHS) Come on!
(COMPUTER DINGS)

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Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

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Oh, my God. I made the team.
(SQUEALS) I made the team!

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Oh, my God.
I am so relieved.

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(WHISPERS)
Thank you.
Oh, my God.

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(GASPS) Baby, I'm so proud of you!

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Oh, I'm so excited.
Oh, my God.

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This is gonna look
so awesome on
my college applications.

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Baby, it's great, it's great,

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but just remember
you're only 12,
so it's...

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Wait.

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What if I don't play?

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What if I'm a loser benchwarmer scrub?

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You're great,
you're gonna be fine,
you're...

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No! It's not fine, Mom.

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Do you understand how hard it is

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to get into an Ivy League school now?

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I mean, they turn away Asians.

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That's a little racist, but...

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Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.

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Why'd you let me eat dessert?

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Oh, I know, because you hate me!

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Holy shit.

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Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.

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No.

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(GASPS) Oh, my God, are you...

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No, no, no, I was just
checking my prostate.
(KEYS CLACKING)

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You know,
I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.

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Why won't this fucking window close?

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(GASPS)

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Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!

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Uh, who the hell are you?

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I'm his wife.

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Oh, shit.

178
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Are you masturbating
online with
some chick?

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No, no!

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Well, then, what are you doing?

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(STAMMERING) Uh, um...
I was clicking
and then I...

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So then I was...

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Yes, okay,
I was masturbating
online with some chick.

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What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?

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Hold on a second.
I don't think I've
done anything wrong.

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This is totally mainstream now.

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Hi, I'm Sharon.

188
00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:02.486
I don't know, I don't know, Mike.

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This really feels like cheating.

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00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:08.924
No, no, no, no, no,
this is definitely
not cheating, honey.

191
00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:10.286
I've never even touched her.

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00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:13.091
Her giant bush is 2,000 miles away.

193
00:08:13.720 --> 00:08:16.007
But how long have you been doing this?

194
00:08:16.200 --> 00:08:18.009
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.

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00:08:18.080 --> 00:08:19.570
Ten months next Friday.

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00:08:20.360 --> 00:08:21.566
(MOUTHING)
What the fuck?

197
00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:22.920
Ten months?

198
00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:27.882
Do you have feelings for her?

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00:08:28.440 --> 00:08:29.771
(EXHALES)

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00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:32.522
You don't masturbate
online with someone
for 10 months

201
00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:33.931
without developing some feelings.

202
00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:35.445
I mean, I'm not a monster.

203
00:08:35.560 --> 00:08:37.642
Do you have feelings for her, Mike?

204
00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:40.724
Yes! Okay?
I have feelings
for her! God!

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00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:42.441
(MIKE SIGHS)

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00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:44.563
She's actually a pretty amazing woman.

207
00:08:44.680 --> 00:08:46.569
You know, she runs her own dairy farm,

208
00:08:46.640 --> 00:08:48.130
she's developing an app.

209
00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:49.725
Get out!
What?

210
00:08:51.080 --> 00:08:52.605
Get the fuck out of my house.

211
00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:58.730
So uncool.

212
00:09:01.400 --> 00:09:02.401
(DOOR CLOSES)

213
00:09:04.520 --> 00:09:05.521
SHARON: You know, Amy,
I just feel like

214
00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:07.204
Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...

215
00:09:07.280 --> 00:09:08.611
(GRUNTS)

216
00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:13.361
(GROANS)

217
00:09:17.640 --> 00:09:21.008
Okay, so your dad
had to go outta town
on a business trip,

218
00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:23.566
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,

219
00:09:24.120 --> 00:09:25.201
which should be fine,

220
00:09:25.280 --> 00:09:29.569
as long as everybody does
what they are
supposed to do.

221
00:09:29.640 --> 00:09:30.641
Right?

222
00:09:30.760 --> 00:09:32.444
(WHINING)
Oh, no.

223
00:09:32.560 --> 00:09:34.369
Why is Roscoe walking like that?

224
00:09:34.440 --> 00:09:36.124
He's fine.
He's totally fine.

225
00:09:38.160 --> 00:09:39.889
(GASPS) Oh, no, buddy!

226
00:09:52.640 --> 00:09:53.880
(CAMERA CLICKS)

227
00:09:54.320 --> 00:09:55.321
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

228
00:09:55.960 --> 00:09:57.405
Lookin' good, Jeff.

229
00:09:57.480 --> 00:09:58.527
Oh.

230
00:09:58.600 --> 00:10:00.409
Thanks.
Yeah, you been
workin' out?

231
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:02.562
No, not for like 10 years.

232
00:10:02.640 --> 00:10:05.644
Your beige windbreaker
is really lightin'
up my board.

233
00:10:06.160 --> 00:10:07.400
Oh, uh, thanks.

234
00:10:07.480 --> 00:10:08.970
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.

235
00:10:10.640 --> 00:10:11.641
(SIGHS)

236
00:10:11.760 --> 00:10:13.125
Bye, Jeff!

237
00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:15.601
Emergency PTA
meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

238
00:10:16.280 --> 00:10:17.281
STACY: (GASPS)
Oh, God.

239
00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:19.408
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.

240
00:10:19.480 --> 00:10:21.687
Emergency PTA
meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

241
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:23.320
Oh, I don't have any friends.

242
00:10:23.560 --> 00:10:26.086
Oh.
I'm pretty isolated
at home.

243
00:10:26.160 --> 00:10:27.241
I have four kids.

244
00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:29.243
Okay, good.
Please move along.
Thank you.

245
00:10:29.320 --> 00:10:30.287
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

246
00:10:30.400 --> 00:10:31.401
Thank you for inviting me.

247
00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:37.961
Oh, my God.
She just got all her
sadness all over me.

248
00:10:38.040 --> 00:10:39.530
Oh, shit!

249
00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:40.806
Here comes the hot widower.

250
00:10:50.200 --> 00:10:51.247
Hey, Jessie.
Hey, guys.

251
00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:52.321
VICKY: Hi.
GWENDOLYN: Hi.

252
00:10:52.720 --> 00:10:54.245
Cute backpack you got there.

253
00:10:54.680 --> 00:10:56.967
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

254
00:10:57.240 --> 00:10:59.129
(ALL LAUGHING)

255
00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:02.090
You're hilarious!
You really are!

256
00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:03.321
God, he's so fucking hot.

257
00:11:03.400 --> 00:11:04.401
Here you go.
VICKY: I know.

258
00:11:04.520 --> 00:11:06.249
I'm so glad his wife died.

259
00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:09.250
You know what? I saw
him install a car seat
yesterday in two seconds.

260
00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:11.761
I'm tellin' you, it was
like boom, boom, click.
(MOANING)

261
00:11:11.920 --> 00:11:14.127
It was so hot.
Oh, gosh.

262
00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:17.448
You know what?
I think I'd let him
put it in my butt.

263
00:11:17.560 --> 00:11:19.688
I mean, in theory,
I'm not really
into the butt thing,

264
00:11:19.760 --> 00:11:22.240
but I would let him
go to town back there.

265
00:11:22.560 --> 00:11:24.608
I'm with you.
Emergency PTA meeting.

266
00:11:25.400 --> 00:11:27.084
AMY: Okay, I got
four minutes to get
Roscoe to the vet,

267
00:11:27.160 --> 00:11:28.730
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.

268
00:11:28.800 --> 00:11:30.165
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.

269
00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:31.601
Bye, Mom.

270
00:11:32.400 --> 00:11:33.401
(GASPS)

271
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:35.721
Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!

272
00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:38.004
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...

273
00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:40.208
Can you roll down
the window?
Okay. Okay, okay.

274
00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:42.491
Hey. Hey,
babe, listen.
Hi.

275
00:11:42.760 --> 00:11:46.048
There is a emergency
PTA meeting today
at 5:00.

276
00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:48.202
It should be about two to three hours.

277
00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:50.011
Awesome. Awesome.
Okay?

278
00:11:50.680 --> 00:11:52.603
Your dog's
wearing a helmet.
Okay, I know.

279
00:11:52.680 --> 00:11:54.091
Yes, it's... Thank you.

280
00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:55.606
Okay.

281
00:11:59.600 --> 00:12:00.761
Fuck!

282
00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:05.041
Your dog has vertigo.
That can't be a thing.

283
00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:08.091
And you are gonna
have to carry him
until he gets home.

284
00:12:08.400 --> 00:12:09.561
Are you shitting me right now?

285
00:12:09.640 --> 00:12:10.687
I don't shit.

286
00:12:10.760 --> 00:12:13.445
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.

287
00:12:13.920 --> 00:12:15.126
(WHINING)

288
00:12:15.880 --> 00:12:17.530
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.

289
00:12:18.560 --> 00:12:20.085
You missed the meeting, bro.

290
00:12:21.280 --> 00:12:22.520
Oh, no.

291
00:12:24.400 --> 00:12:25.845
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

292
00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:27.201
(INDISTINCT)

293
00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:29.411
(PANTING)

294
00:12:32.800 --> 00:12:34.086
(GASPS)

295
00:12:46.160 --> 00:12:47.321
(TIRES SCREECH)

296
00:12:48.480 --> 00:12:50.369
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.

297
00:12:50.440 --> 00:12:51.601
Get in, get in, get in.

298
00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:56.129
I can't believe
I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.

299
00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:58.168
Baby, I'm doing the best that I can.

300
00:12:58.240 --> 00:12:59.890
Yeah, that's what makes it even sadder.

301
00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:01.361
Oh, God.

302
00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:04.171
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, honey.
How was your day?

303
00:13:04.280 --> 00:13:05.770
I swallowed a pen cap again.

304
00:13:06.280 --> 00:13:07.281
Oh, God.

305
00:13:07.560 --> 00:13:08.607
DYLAN: Ooh!

306
00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:10.241
Crap.

307
00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:11.560
Was that a hit-and-run?

308
00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:12.961
Nope.

309
00:13:13.600 --> 00:13:14.840
Nope.
That was nothing.

310
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:23.569
Jane, go!
Go, go, go, go!

311
00:13:23.680 --> 00:13:25.205
Excuse me, Coach?

312
00:13:25.560 --> 00:13:28.006
I'm so sorry that
Jane is late.
It is all my fault.

313
00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:30.768
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?

314
00:13:30.840 --> 00:13:32.763
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...

315
00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:34.285
Ah! (GRUNTS)

316
00:13:34.840 --> 00:13:35.966
Shit.

317
00:13:36.400 --> 00:13:37.481
(GROANS)

318
00:13:38.360 --> 00:13:40.010
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

319
00:13:40.360 --> 00:13:41.691
Hey...

320
00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.122
Hi, guys! Guys, um...

321
00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:48.811
For those of you who have
been living under a rock...
(CHUCKLES)

322
00:13:48.880 --> 00:13:50.882
I am Gwendolyn James.

323
00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:53.731
I am the president of the PTA,

324
00:13:54.160 --> 00:13:55.400
but most importantly,

325
00:13:56.200 --> 00:13:59.727
I am the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,

326
00:13:59.800 --> 00:14:01.404
Blaire and Gandhi.

327
00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:05.882
Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting

328
00:14:05.960 --> 00:14:10.249
to address an issue
that radically affects
the safety of our children.

329
00:14:11.880 --> 00:14:12.927
The bake sale.

330
00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:17.810
Is this a joke?

331
00:14:17.880 --> 00:14:20.121
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients

332
00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:22.601
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.

333
00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.849
No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

334
00:14:26.920 --> 00:14:29.491
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts

335
00:14:29.560 --> 00:14:32.006
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.

336
00:14:32.080 --> 00:14:33.081
Okay?

337
00:14:33.160 --> 00:14:35.003
Sorry, what ingredients can we use?

338
00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:36.809
Anyway,
I will be putting together...
Thank you.

339
00:14:36.880 --> 00:14:39.929
...a special bake
sale police force

340
00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:45.166
that will monitor the food.
That will destroy
any offensive treats

341
00:14:45.760 --> 00:14:48.445
and prosecute the wrongdoers.

342
00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:49.601
Yes.

343
00:14:49.680 --> 00:14:52.331
So who will be my first volunteer

344
00:14:52.400 --> 00:14:53.561
for the bake sale police force?

345
00:14:53.640 --> 00:14:57.725
I think we're gonna have Amy Mitchell!

346
00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:00.201
What?

347
00:15:00.280 --> 00:15:02.044
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.

348
00:15:04.040 --> 00:15:05.041
No.

349
00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:06.121
(ALL GASP)

350
00:15:06.680 --> 00:15:07.681
(CHUCKLES)

351
00:15:07.800 --> 00:15:08.926
What's that now?

352
00:15:09.560 --> 00:15:11.688
I've had a really long day.

353
00:15:12.880 --> 00:15:16.009
I have been bruised and burned,

354
00:15:16.280 --> 00:15:17.520
knocked unconscious.

355
00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:20.206
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer

356
00:15:20.280 --> 00:15:24.046
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap

357
00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:27.768
and my poor dog has vertigo.

358
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:30.923
I mean, who knew that
that was even
a real thing, you guys?

359
00:15:31.880 --> 00:15:33.689
God, I'm drowning at work

360
00:15:33.760 --> 00:15:36.127
and my boss is a fucking moron

361
00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:37.641
and... (CHUCKLES)

362
00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:40.209
Three hours ago I may or may not

363
00:15:40.280 --> 00:15:42.248
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.

364
00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:43.560
(GASPING)

365
00:15:43.640 --> 00:15:46.325
I can't do this anymore.

366
00:15:48.160 --> 00:15:49.400
I'm sorry.

367
00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:51.080
I'm done.

368
00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:55.810
I quit.

369
00:15:55.880 --> 00:15:57.769
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

370
00:16:16.680 --> 00:16:18.603
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

371
00:16:27.280 --> 00:16:29.487
Hey, what can
I get ya?
Oh, Scotch.

372
00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:32.081
Oh, hey, I know you.

373
00:16:32.880 --> 00:16:35.451
You're that chick
that always picks up
my kid from school

374
00:16:35.520 --> 00:16:37.488
when I forget/don't want to.

375
00:16:37.880 --> 00:16:41.043
Amy Mitchell.
Yeah, Carla.
Carla Dunkler.

376
00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:42.770
Jesus, you look like a bag of dicks.

377
00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:44.968
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
Hi.

378
00:16:45.040 --> 00:16:47.964
I'm really sorry
to interrupt, but, um,
I just have to tell you,

379
00:16:48.040 --> 00:16:51.044
what you did back there was amazing.

380
00:16:51.160 --> 00:16:53.288
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

381
00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:54.646
It's Kiki, right?

382
00:16:54.760 --> 00:16:55.841
Yes.

383
00:16:56.520 --> 00:16:57.567
She knows my name.

384
00:16:57.720 --> 00:16:58.721
(STUTTERS)

385
00:16:58.880 --> 00:17:00.484
I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.

386
00:17:00.560 --> 00:17:01.971
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?

387
00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.890
What do you mean "us"?
Honey, I was just
sitting here by myself.

388
00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:06.161
I would love to, but I can't.

389
00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:07.366
I have to go to the grocery store

390
00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:09.727
and then I have to go home
and clean out my
son's hamster cage,

391
00:17:09.840 --> 00:17:11.171
'cause he gets so mad when I forget.

392
00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:13.242
Have a drink, Kiki.
Okay, yeah.

393
00:17:13.320 --> 00:17:15.209
Okay.
Yes, I'd like
an apple juice.

394
00:17:15.280 --> 00:17:16.770
Why don't you have this instead?

395
00:17:18.520 --> 00:17:19.851
Excuse me?
(LAUGHING)

396
00:17:21.080 --> 00:17:23.845
Oh, do you know
what my favorite
mom fantasy is?

397
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.046
What?
Uh-oh.

398
00:17:25.280 --> 00:17:29.205
Having a quiet breakfast by myself.

399
00:17:29.280 --> 00:17:31.248
Oh! That is so hot!
Oh!

400
00:17:31.360 --> 00:17:32.930
Sounds glorious.
Oh.

401
00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:36.086
(SIGHS) Sometimes
when I'm driving
all by myself,

402
00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:37.929
I have this fantasy
that I get into
a car crash.

403
00:17:38.280 --> 00:17:41.329
Not a big one with
fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.

404
00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:42.640
But I do get injured

405
00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:45.451
and I get to go
to the hospital
for two weeks

406
00:17:45.520 --> 00:17:49.605
and I sleep all day
and I eat Jell-O
and I watch so much TV

407
00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:51.603
and it's all covered by my insurance.

408
00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:54.889
My kids bring me balloons,
and the nurses rub
cream on my feet,

409
00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:57.201
and oh, my God, it's so amazing.

410
00:17:57.920 --> 00:17:58.921
(SIGHS)

411
00:17:59.960 --> 00:18:04.284
Is that like
something you guys
fantasize about, too?

412
00:18:04.680 --> 00:18:05.886
No.
No.

413
00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:07.803
You're bat-shit
crazy.
Yeah.

414
00:18:08.520 --> 00:18:10.522
And I'm never
gonna get into
a car with you.

415
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:16.484
Is it fun being a single mom?

416
00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.086
Yes!

417
00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:20.324
I go to the casino.
Yeah.

418
00:18:20.800 --> 00:18:23.007
You know, I'm learning karate now.

419
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:26.330
Plus, I have, like,
a stable of hot
dudes to call right up

420
00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:28.010
whenever I want some D in my V.

421
00:18:28.840 --> 00:18:31.810
I wanna be a single mom.
No, it's fuckin'
awesome.

422
00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:33.207
Bottom line is,

423
00:18:33.280 --> 00:18:35.442
I have to live
my life one quarter
mile at a time.

424
00:18:36.080 --> 00:18:38.287
Is that from... Yeah.
The Fast and Furious.

425
00:18:39.000 --> 00:18:41.924
I fucked Vin Diesel
when he was in
town doing Furious 6.

426
00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:43.923
You fucked Vin Diesel?
Yeah.

427
00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:45.206
Vincent Diesel?

428
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:48.490
It might not have
been actually
Vin Diesel,

429
00:18:48.560 --> 00:18:50.528
but I definitely fucked a bald guy.

430
00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:52.165
Salud.
Salud.

431
00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:53.446
Yep.
To Vincent Diesel.

432
00:18:53.520 --> 00:18:54.567
Oh, my God.
Jesus.

433
00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:56.842
Kiki, get your
shit together.
Oh, my God.

434
00:18:57.080 --> 00:18:58.844
Do you know what I hate?
Mmm?

435
00:18:58.920 --> 00:19:00.922
There are so many fuckin' rules now.

436
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:02.081
Yes, God.

437
00:19:02.200 --> 00:19:04.771
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."

438
00:19:04.840 --> 00:19:06.888
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."

439
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:08.371
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."

440
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:11.051
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."

441
00:19:11.120 --> 00:19:13.122
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?

442
00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:17.925
We're killing ourselves,
trying to be perfect,
and it's making us insane.

443
00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:21.249
In this day and age,
it's impossible
to be a good mom.

444
00:19:21.320 --> 00:19:22.321
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

445
00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:24.050
Screw it.
Yeah.

446
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:25.321
Let's be bad moms.

447
00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:27.130
Oh, I'm in.
Right?

448
00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:29.726
Oh, my gosh, okay.
This is exciting.
I'm in!

449
00:19:29.800 --> 00:19:33.088
Yes! To bad moms.
Whoo!
To bad moms!

450
00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:34.527
Aw.

451
00:19:35.560 --> 00:19:37.005
I love you guys.
Mmm.

452
00:19:37.080 --> 00:19:38.491
Oh, dude.
We love you, Kiki.

453
00:19:38.560 --> 00:19:40.130
We just met, Kiki.
Forever.

454
00:19:40.240 --> 00:19:42.129
I love you forever.
I'm not into
this kind of...

455
00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:44.481
Oh, gosh, honey,
we gotta go get
you home.

456
00:19:44.560 --> 00:19:45.766
We gotta go.
Yeah, let's go.

457
00:19:45.880 --> 00:19:47.962
We gotta go.
No, I can't. I have to
go to the supermarket.

458
00:19:48.560 --> 00:19:49.561
(KIKI SIGHS)

459
00:19:49.640 --> 00:19:51.165
Let's go to the supermarket!

460
00:20:46.440 --> 00:20:47.441
(INAUDIBLE)

461
00:20:59.520 --> 00:21:01.966
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God.

462
00:21:02.320 --> 00:21:04.721
You're so cute.
KIKI: Adorable.

463
00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:06.445
Oh, I wanna eat her face.

464
00:21:06.520 --> 00:21:07.567
Hi, bunny.

465
00:21:07.640 --> 00:21:08.687
All right, let's go!

466
00:21:52.520 --> 00:21:53.681
Where is she?

467
00:21:54.520 --> 00:21:55.521
(GROANING)

468
00:21:57.000 --> 00:21:59.731
Oh, it's so bright, you guys.

469
00:21:59.880 --> 00:22:00.961
Are you okay?

470
00:22:01.040 --> 00:22:02.485
Yeah, I'm awesome.

471
00:22:02.600 --> 00:22:04.045
What did you do last night?

472
00:22:05.160 --> 00:22:06.400
Nothin'.

473
00:22:06.960 --> 00:22:09.281
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.

474
00:22:10.040 --> 00:22:11.041
(AMY GASPS)

475
00:22:11.120 --> 00:22:14.169
Oh, my God.
I made nachos
last night!

476
00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:15.921
Oh.

477
00:22:17.360 --> 00:22:18.600
Amazing.

478
00:22:19.400 --> 00:22:20.447
Mmm.

479
00:22:20.520 --> 00:22:22.522
The cheese is so hard.

480
00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:24.881
(GRUNTING)

481
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:29.321
Um...

482
00:22:29.400 --> 00:22:31.562
Aren't you gonna make us breakfast?

483
00:22:31.640 --> 00:22:32.721
Oh.

484
00:22:32.800 --> 00:22:33.847
No.

485
00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:37.761
But what are we gonna eat?

486
00:22:37.840 --> 00:22:40.571
You guys are really smart.

487
00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:42.330
You can make your own breakfast.

488
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:46.084
I'm just gonna take these to go.

489
00:22:51.120 --> 00:22:52.360
Peace!

490
00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:56.085
All right, get in the car.

491
00:22:57.800 --> 00:22:59.484
You know what?
On second thought,

492
00:22:59.600 --> 00:23:01.250
let's take your
daddy's special car today.

493
00:23:02.320 --> 00:23:04.129
Won't Dad be mad?
Yeah.

494
00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:05.440
Probably.

495
00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:11.281
(ENGINE REVVING)

496
00:23:13.120 --> 00:23:14.690
(TIRES SCREECHING)

497
00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.001
(INAUDIBLE)

498
00:23:34.360 --> 00:23:35.646
Whoo!

499
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:38.571
That was so awesome!

500
00:23:39.640 --> 00:23:40.926
All right.
(TIRES SCREECHING)

501
00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:43.720
What is she driving?

502
00:23:44.120 --> 00:23:45.485
Have a great day at school!

503
00:23:46.120 --> 00:23:47.610
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!

504
00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:52.401
(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.
You're the best mom ever!

505
00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:53.925
Aw, I love you, guys!

506
00:23:54.800 --> 00:23:56.245
Is that Arby's?

507
00:23:56.320 --> 00:23:58.243
I love their hot fish sandwich.

508
00:23:58.320 --> 00:24:00.322
Hey, Amy. Hi.

509
00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:01.885
Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today

510
00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:04.082
to discuss the
upcoming election
at 2:00.

511
00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:05.286
Will we see you there?

512
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:06.566
No.

513
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.001
Oh.

514
00:24:11.080 --> 00:24:13.128
That bitch is playing a dangerous game.

515
00:24:14.840 --> 00:24:15.841
Amy plays football?

516
00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:17.561
Oh, my God.

517
00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:27.770
Oh, thank you.

518
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:29.527
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Amazing!

519
00:24:30.840 --> 00:24:31.966
Oh, this is Amy.

520
00:24:32.040 --> 00:24:34.691
Amy, where are you?
The morning huddle
started an hour ago.

521
00:24:34.920 --> 00:24:38.527
Oh, yeah,
Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.

522
00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:40.764
(SNICKERING)
Are you feeling okay, Amy?

523
00:24:40.840 --> 00:24:42.683
Are you having a senior moment?

524
00:24:43.120 --> 00:24:44.690
I've actually never felt better.

525
00:24:44.760 --> 00:24:48.367
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper

526
00:24:48.440 --> 00:24:50.727
for the first time in 12 years.

527
00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:53.726
You need to come into
the office right now!

528
00:24:53.800 --> 00:24:57.521
No, I don't. I don't, Dale.
I only work for you
three days a week.

529
00:24:57.840 --> 00:25:01.208
If you want me to work more,
then you should
pay me to do that.

530
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:03.810
Okay, Amy, you're
kind of making
me look like a dick

531
00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:05.370
in front of everybody
in the office right now.

532
00:25:05.520 --> 00:25:07.807
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.

533
00:25:09.800 --> 00:25:10.801
(SIGHS)

534
00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:25.609
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

535
00:25:27.240 --> 00:25:29.402
Hello?
Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

536
00:25:29.480 --> 00:25:30.481
Hi!

537
00:25:30.560 --> 00:25:32.324
Um, I was actually calling to see,

538
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:34.243
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.

539
00:25:35.320 --> 00:25:36.924
Are we allowed to do that?

540
00:25:37.320 --> 00:25:39.004
Well, I don't see why not.

541
00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:42.090
I can't.
I mean, I have to
iron Kent's underwear.

542
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:43.561
What? Why?

543
00:25:43.960 --> 00:25:45.928
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.

544
00:25:46.120 --> 00:25:48.202
Come on, Kiki, live a little.

545
00:25:50.360 --> 00:25:51.361
(CRYING)

546
00:25:51.840 --> 00:25:54.286
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.

547
00:25:54.760 --> 00:25:56.762
(CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.

548
00:25:56.920 --> 00:25:59.082
Oh, fun! I like her.

549
00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:00.611
I'm also very scared of her.

550
00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:02.601
(CHUCKLES) Okay.

551
00:26:02.840 --> 00:26:04.649
Ow! Ow!

552
00:26:06.280 --> 00:26:07.930
CARLA: Yo!
Hey, it's Amy.

553
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:09.445
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join

554
00:26:09.520 --> 00:26:10.965
Kiki and I at the movies this afternoon.

555
00:26:11.040 --> 00:26:12.201
I'm already here.

556
00:26:12.280 --> 00:26:13.281
Hey, lady.

557
00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:16.009
Get off your phone.
Guess what?

558
00:26:16.080 --> 00:26:17.445
She dies in the end.

559
00:26:17.840 --> 00:26:19.126
Yeah, cancer gets her.

560
00:26:19.480 --> 00:26:20.481
What?

561
00:26:20.800 --> 00:26:22.848
Yeah, what do you bitches wanna see?

562
00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:30.161
(SLURPING)

563
00:26:30.800 --> 00:26:33.770
Love is stronger

564
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:36.640
than space.

565
00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:39.127
You guys, lady boners over here.

566
00:26:39.240 --> 00:26:40.241
(LAUGHS)

567
00:26:40.840 --> 00:26:43.411
(GASPING AND CHEERING)

568
00:26:46.520 --> 00:26:48.648
Cheers, ladies.
Mmm.

569
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:49.961
Mmm.

570
00:26:50.800 --> 00:26:53.041
This has been so much fun.

571
00:26:53.160 --> 00:26:54.525
Thank you, girls, for coming out with me.

572
00:26:54.640 --> 00:26:55.641
Are you kidding me?

573
00:26:55.800 --> 00:26:58.929
This has literally been
the best day of
my entire life.

574
00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:00.206
Oh, honey.

575
00:27:00.320 --> 00:27:03.164
My ex is picking
up the kid, so I can
go all night if...

576
00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:05.209
Oh, hey, did you hear that?

577
00:27:05.280 --> 00:27:06.691
My ex has my kid.

578
00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:08.650
AMY: Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.

579
00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:12.930
Is it hard to share
your son with
your ex-husband?

580
00:27:13.400 --> 00:27:14.606
(LAUGHS) Fuck no.
No?

581
00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:16.967
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall

582
00:27:17.040 --> 00:27:18.724
and all he cares about is baseball.

583
00:27:18.800 --> 00:27:20.404
Do you go to all of his games?

584
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:22.482
No. No, I don't.
(AMY LAUGHS)

585
00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:24.524
The last game
I went to was
six hours long

586
00:27:24.600 --> 00:27:26.443
and the final score was one to two.

587
00:27:27.040 --> 00:27:29.520
So, I'd rather go to
Afghanistan than another
kids' baseball game.

588
00:27:29.600 --> 00:27:30.601
Cheers.

589
00:27:31.360 --> 00:27:33.886
How do you think
that your divorce
affected your kid?

590
00:27:35.120 --> 00:27:37.168
How are things in your home, Amy?

591
00:27:38.120 --> 00:27:41.203
Oh, it's fine.
(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.

592
00:27:43.800 --> 00:27:44.801
Ugh.

593
00:27:46.080 --> 00:27:49.209
I caught Mike
having an affair online
with a woman,

594
00:27:49.280 --> 00:27:51.886
and I guess
it's been going on
for like 10 months.

595
00:27:52.040 --> 00:27:54.486
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?

596
00:27:54.600 --> 00:27:55.886
(LAUGHING)

597
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:57.890
No. Here's the truth.

598
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:01.121
Our marriage has been over for years.

599
00:28:01.520 --> 00:28:04.046
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.

600
00:28:04.800 --> 00:28:08.168
Kent and I have sex
every Friday night
after Blue Bloods.

601
00:28:08.840 --> 00:28:09.841
(LAUGHS)

602
00:28:10.120 --> 00:28:13.647
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.

603
00:28:14.440 --> 00:28:18.047
I feel like everything that
comes out of your
mouth is a cry for help.

604
00:28:18.560 --> 00:28:20.324
(CHUCKLES)
Kiki, you're so weird.

605
00:28:20.400 --> 00:28:21.526
CARLA: No, wait,

606
00:28:21.600 --> 00:28:23.921
why did you
marry this shithead
in the first place?

607
00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:25.126
He sounds like an asshole.

608
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:26.804
Because we were young and in love.

609
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:29.326
I mean, he wasn't
always an asshole.
I promise you.

610
00:28:30.040 --> 00:28:33.123
It's true.
Listen, I got pregnant,
we got married.

611
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:34.645
I was only 20.

612
00:28:35.440 --> 00:28:38.125
You know what?
Mike and I never
got our twenties.

613
00:28:38.200 --> 00:28:40.601
Like, you know, the fun twenties, and...

614
00:28:40.680 --> 00:28:41.886
I feel like maybe he missed that.

615
00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:42.961
Oh, my God.

616
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:44.885
Maybe I did, too.

617
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:47.531
When I was in my
twenties, I would just
walk down the street

618
00:28:47.600 --> 00:28:50.763
and it would just
be raining dicks
wherever I went.

619
00:28:50.840 --> 00:28:52.046
It was just dick, dick, dick, dick,

620
00:28:52.120 --> 00:28:53.281
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

621
00:28:53.360 --> 00:28:56.170
It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!

622
00:28:56.240 --> 00:28:57.844
(INDISTINCT)

623
00:28:57.920 --> 00:28:58.967
Kiki?

624
00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:02.282
Hi. Kent, hi.

625
00:29:02.440 --> 00:29:03.726
What are you doing here?

626
00:29:03.800 --> 00:29:06.246
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.

627
00:29:06.320 --> 00:29:08.448
Who's watching the kids?
Rosie.

628
00:29:08.520 --> 00:29:10.045
Isn't that your job?

629
00:29:10.440 --> 00:29:11.965
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?

630
00:29:12.160 --> 00:29:13.321
Yes. Yes, Kent.

631
00:29:13.400 --> 00:29:17.007
It absolutely is my job,
and I was just
about to leave, so,

632
00:29:17.280 --> 00:29:19.487
um, thank you guys so much.

633
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:21.409
I can't, uh, do the math right now.

634
00:29:21.480 --> 00:29:24.370
Just take that
and have a wonderful
day, you guys.

635
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:25.680
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.

636
00:29:25.760 --> 00:29:26.807
Oh, my...

637
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:28.962
Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!

638
00:29:29.360 --> 00:29:30.771
That's really disturbing.

639
00:29:30.840 --> 00:29:31.921
Yes!

640
00:29:32.200 --> 00:29:34.123
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,

641
00:29:34.200 --> 00:29:36.009
so I think I'm gonna get fucked up!

642
00:30:01.360 --> 00:30:03.283
(GROANS)

643
00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:05.605
Yeah, donut holes!

644
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:07.125
I love these things.
How much are they?

645
00:30:07.240 --> 00:30:08.366
Um...

646
00:30:09.840 --> 00:30:10.921
Five cents.

647
00:30:11.000 --> 00:30:12.923
How about a dollar?

648
00:30:13.080 --> 00:30:14.684
(GASPS) What?

649
00:30:14.760 --> 00:30:16.649
Hey now, big spender.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

650
00:30:17.160 --> 00:30:18.207
Thank you.

651
00:30:18.840 --> 00:30:19.966
Mmm.

652
00:30:20.280 --> 00:30:22.601
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.

653
00:30:22.680 --> 00:30:23.920
Is that what it is?
Mmm-hmm.

654
00:30:24.640 --> 00:30:25.687
They're tasty.

655
00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:28.609
She's adorable.
Thank you.

656
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:29.721
Mmm-hmm.

657
00:30:30.280 --> 00:30:31.281
Good to see you.

658
00:30:31.360 --> 00:30:33.124
Bye. Bye.

659
00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:36.606
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?

660
00:30:36.680 --> 00:30:39.251
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?

661
00:30:39.800 --> 00:30:41.211
What? No.

662
00:30:41.280 --> 00:30:43.009
Gosh, no, I made them by hand

663
00:30:43.080 --> 00:30:46.084
and then I put them
in the weird
plastic container.

664
00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:47.844
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not

665
00:30:47.920 --> 00:30:49.445
allow store-bought
holes.

666
00:30:49.560 --> 00:30:51.562
Seriously, Vicky?
AMY: Oh,
come on, Gwendolyn.

667
00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:53.165
Who cares what food people bring

668
00:30:53.240 --> 00:30:54.890
as long as it raises money, right?

669
00:30:54.960 --> 00:30:57.122
Oh, did she just...
Oh.
She did.

670
00:30:57.440 --> 00:30:58.885
Hit her with it, G.

671
00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:01.571
Well, you see, I care, sweetie.

672
00:31:01.640 --> 00:31:03.881
I don't... I don't know
what's been going on
with you,

673
00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:06.486
I mean, with your weird outbursts

674
00:31:06.560 --> 00:31:09.086
and your terrible style,

675
00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:10.844
but it ends now.

676
00:31:11.160 --> 00:31:13.128
Okay? I run this school,

677
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:17.000
and no one takes a class or kicks a ball

678
00:31:17.080 --> 00:31:20.607
or plays a fuckin'
clarinet without
my say-so.

679
00:31:21.520 --> 00:31:24.967
And I can make life a living hell for you

680
00:31:25.040 --> 00:31:26.849
and your dirty little children.

681
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:28.805
Do you understand me?

682
00:31:28.880 --> 00:31:32.362
Wow, Gwendolyn,
I genuinely think you should
just relax a little bit,

683
00:31:32.440 --> 00:31:34.647
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.

684
00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:36.882
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.

685
00:31:37.400 --> 00:31:39.641
You have crossed the line, little girl.

686
00:31:39.720 --> 00:31:41.609
And I am going to destroy you.

687
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.610
Winter is coming.

688
00:31:45.040 --> 00:31:46.041
(CHUCKLES)

689
00:31:46.120 --> 00:31:47.167
Gwendolyn.

690
00:31:47.400 --> 00:31:49.846
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.

691
00:31:50.440 --> 00:31:51.487
What...

692
00:31:51.960 --> 00:31:53.530
Bye.
Bye.

693
00:31:56.040 --> 00:31:57.451
Out of my way!

694
00:31:58.160 --> 00:31:59.400
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

695
00:32:03.720 --> 00:32:05.449
You psyched for Mandarin class?

696
00:32:05.520 --> 00:32:06.726
No!
No.

697
00:32:06.800 --> 00:32:08.609
Mandarin class is so stressful.

698
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:10.887
Everyone just barfs the whole time.

699
00:32:10.960 --> 00:32:12.803
Did you say "barfs"?
Yeah.

700
00:32:13.480 --> 00:32:14.845
Oh, my God.

701
00:32:14.960 --> 00:32:16.166
Wha...

702
00:32:16.840 --> 00:32:18.683
Why are we doing this?

703
00:32:21.800 --> 00:32:24.485
What are you doing?
Mandarin class
is back that way!

704
00:32:24.560 --> 00:32:25.561
I know.

705
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.490
But we're gonna play hooky today.

706
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:34.730
JANE: We cannot
afford this place.

707
00:32:34.800 --> 00:32:36.450
AMY: Don't worry.
I've got a plan.

708
00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:41.767
Shh. Get in here,
you idiots.
We totally snuck in.

709
00:32:41.840 --> 00:32:44.002
I know! Shh.
I can't believe
you have a real job.

710
00:32:44.080 --> 00:32:47.243
You're a lucky girl, Becky.
I would never do
this for my kid.

711
00:32:47.360 --> 00:32:49.010
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.

712
00:32:50.200 --> 00:32:52.168
Also, my name's Jane.

713
00:32:52.280 --> 00:32:53.361
Okay.

714
00:32:53.440 --> 00:32:55.283
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.

715
00:32:55.360 --> 00:32:56.885
Bye, Becky! Shh.
Okay, thanks, Carla.

716
00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:00.081
This place is fancy.
Gosh.

717
00:33:00.760 --> 00:33:02.330
Oh, look.
Free soap.

718
00:33:02.400 --> 00:33:03.640
No, honey, don't take that.

719
00:33:03.720 --> 00:33:05.563
(GASPS) Oh, no,
that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.

720
00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:11.770
This is what the tub
looks like after your
brother takes a bath.

721
00:33:11.840 --> 00:33:12.841
(BOTH LAUGHING)

722
00:33:13.520 --> 00:33:15.284
You look like
Kung Fu Panda.
(LAUGHS)

723
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:17.641
(SIGHS)

724
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:19.400
This is amazing.

725
00:33:19.520 --> 00:33:20.646
Mmm-hmm.

726
00:33:21.320 --> 00:33:23.209
We should get
matching tattoos
after this.

727
00:33:23.400 --> 00:33:24.561
(LAUGHS)

728
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:27.048
I'm really glad we did this, Mom.

729
00:33:27.120 --> 00:33:29.885
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.

730
00:33:30.560 --> 00:33:33.484
God, you needed
a break from school
and soccer and...

731
00:33:34.440 --> 00:33:36.044
(GRUNTS)
This whole Dad thing.

732
00:33:37.480 --> 00:33:38.720
What whole Dad thing?

733
00:33:39.600 --> 00:33:41.443
Nothing. Nothing!

734
00:33:41.840 --> 00:33:43.729
(GASPS) Does Dad have a brain tumor?

735
00:33:43.800 --> 00:33:46.167
What? No!
No, no, no, no.

736
00:33:46.240 --> 00:33:48.049
God, no. Um...

737
00:33:48.360 --> 00:33:53.287
Your dad and I
are going through
a rough patch right now.

738
00:33:54.080 --> 00:33:55.445
Are you guys gonna get divorced?

739
00:33:55.520 --> 00:33:56.851
What? No, no, no.

740
00:33:56.920 --> 00:34:01.130
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.

741
00:34:01.760 --> 00:34:05.287
I just want you to know
that no matter
what happens,

742
00:34:06.240 --> 00:34:07.287
it's not your fault.

743
00:34:07.800 --> 00:34:09.529
Why would it be my fault?

744
00:34:09.600 --> 00:34:11.170
Why would you even say that?

745
00:34:11.240 --> 00:34:12.241
I don't know!

746
00:34:12.360 --> 00:34:15.250
Oh, my God, baby,
I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!

747
00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:17.448
I just don't wanna be weird, okay?

748
00:34:17.560 --> 00:34:20.040
Baby, please don't cry.
Please...
No, no, no, no, no.

749
00:34:20.160 --> 00:34:22.447
Honey, I need you
to look at me,
just look at me, okay?

750
00:34:23.320 --> 00:34:24.765
Baby, baby...

751
00:34:25.760 --> 00:34:28.081
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.

752
00:34:28.520 --> 00:34:30.090
That I love you.

753
00:34:30.160 --> 00:34:35.246
And I promise you, you will be fine.

754
00:34:35.600 --> 00:34:36.601
(SOBS)

755
00:34:37.240 --> 00:34:38.526
How do you know?

756
00:34:38.600 --> 00:34:40.011
Because I'm your mom,

757
00:34:41.080 --> 00:34:43.651
and I know you better than anyone,

758
00:34:43.720 --> 00:34:45.722
and I know what you're made of.

759
00:34:49.160 --> 00:34:50.730
Oh, honey.

760
00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:52.245
I love you.

761
00:34:53.800 --> 00:34:55.450
I love you, too.

762
00:34:59.080 --> 00:35:00.411
Hey, Coach?

763
00:35:01.320 --> 00:35:02.481
Coach!

764
00:35:03.200 --> 00:35:04.406
Fuck!

765
00:35:05.360 --> 00:35:07.010
Hi, Gwendolyn.
Hi, how are you?

766
00:35:07.440 --> 00:35:08.771
Listen, um, I wanna talk to you about

767
00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:10.769
the starting lineup
of next week's game.
Mmm-hmm.

768
00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:13.491
In particular,
Amy Mitchell's
daughter, Jane.

769
00:35:13.600 --> 00:35:15.921
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.

770
00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:18.243
And you know that I chair the hiring

771
00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:20.163
and firing committee, right?

772
00:35:20.240 --> 00:35:23.608
So let's stop dicking
around and let's
get to the fucking point.

773
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:25.849
Please don't get me fired, Gwendolyn.

774
00:35:26.560 --> 00:35:28.324
My cat just died.
Oh.

775
00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:31.051
And I'm really very fragile right now.

776
00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:33.365
Bench the little dork.

777
00:35:34.200 --> 00:35:35.440
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

778
00:35:36.120 --> 00:35:38.964
I need this. This is my time.
Do you know what I mean?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

779
00:35:39.520 --> 00:35:40.567
(SNAPS FINGERS)

780
00:35:40.680 --> 00:35:41.681
(EXHALES)

781
00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:45.005
Go for Carla.
Hey, it's Amy,

782
00:35:45.120 --> 00:35:47.327
I just found out
Mike is staying with
his Internet girlfriend.

783
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:49.966
Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.

784
00:35:51.040 --> 00:35:52.121
I wanna get laid.

785
00:35:52.200 --> 00:35:53.201
I'm on my way.

786
00:35:57.400 --> 00:35:58.811
I'm so excited.

787
00:35:58.880 --> 00:36:00.484
CARLA: Honey,
I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?

788
00:36:00.560 --> 00:36:01.561
It's like a nun's closet.

789
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:03.524
(GASPS) No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.

790
00:36:03.640 --> 00:36:05.244
Let's see this!

791
00:36:05.840 --> 00:36:07.569
It's my favorite.

792
00:36:07.880 --> 00:36:08.881
I love it.

793
00:36:09.000 --> 00:36:12.322
No! No! Are you
trying to get laid
or adopted?

794
00:36:12.720 --> 00:36:14.563
Oh.
Fair point.

795
00:36:14.640 --> 00:36:15.641
Ooh.

796
00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:17.001
Okay.

797
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:21.324
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.

798
00:36:21.400 --> 00:36:23.289
Fuck, you guys,
I literally have
nothing, then.

799
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:25.203
I have mom clothes, I have work clothes.

800
00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:27.886
Okay, you know,
let me get in there
one more time.

801
00:36:27.960 --> 00:36:29.689
I'm gonna find it.
Move. Move. Move, move,
get me in here.

802
00:36:29.760 --> 00:36:31.683
I have jackets,
I have lots of 'em.
We'll find it.

803
00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:33.211
We'll find
something, honey.
Don't get discouraged.

804
00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:34.361
AMY: Okay. Okay.
You can do this.

805
00:36:34.440 --> 00:36:36.010
I mean, Jesus Christ!

806
00:36:36.080 --> 00:36:38.811
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

807
00:36:38.880 --> 00:36:40.769
I love that movie.
(GASPS)

808
00:36:40.840 --> 00:36:42.046
Me too.
Okay.

809
00:36:42.120 --> 00:36:43.167
KIKI:
It's such a good film.

810
00:36:43.240 --> 00:36:45.004
Wait a minute, I see a spaghetti strap.

811
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:49.721
No, hold on. This was,
like, my slutty Halloween
costume from college.

812
00:36:49.800 --> 00:36:51.370
I like the word "slutty."
Put it on.

813
00:36:51.440 --> 00:36:52.851
Just try it.
Try it.

814
00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:55.446
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...

815
00:36:55.560 --> 00:36:58.211
Holy fuck!
Look at your mom bra!
Ooh.

816
00:36:58.320 --> 00:37:00.687
There's so much surface area.

817
00:37:00.760 --> 00:37:03.889
You can make
three regular bras
out of this one mom bra.

818
00:37:03.960 --> 00:37:06.770
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.

819
00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:08.525
(LAUGHS) Shut up!

820
00:37:08.600 --> 00:37:10.125
Don't laugh.
Wait, are you serious?

821
00:37:10.200 --> 00:37:11.440
Yes!

822
00:37:11.520 --> 00:37:12.931
Oh, honey.
Amy.

823
00:37:13.040 --> 00:37:15.168
Oh!
That looks like you
just got out of surgery.

824
00:37:15.240 --> 00:37:16.446
Is it that bad?

825
00:37:16.520 --> 00:37:19.171
Yeah, there's just
one boob-log.
Yeah.

826
00:37:19.240 --> 00:37:20.810
You don't even have two tits.

827
00:37:21.040 --> 00:37:23.168
I have this in black.
Do you guys wanna
see it in black?

828
00:37:23.280 --> 00:37:24.441
No!
No!

829
00:37:24.600 --> 00:37:27.843
Oh, wow.
This bra will be
the death of your vagina.

830
00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:29.650
(ALL LAUGHING)

831
00:37:31.120 --> 00:37:32.121
Oh!

832
00:37:32.200 --> 00:37:33.281
AMY: Oh, my gosh.

833
00:37:33.360 --> 00:37:36.842
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.

834
00:37:36.920 --> 00:37:37.967
Oh, honey!

835
00:37:38.040 --> 00:37:40.327
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?

836
00:37:40.440 --> 00:37:41.851
Kent is a never-hard.

837
00:37:41.960 --> 00:37:43.610
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?

838
00:37:43.680 --> 00:37:45.523
Oh, he never gets fully hard.

839
00:37:45.640 --> 00:37:50.248
So I just have to
kind of fold his penis up
like a balloon animal

840
00:37:50.320 --> 00:37:52.163
and shove it up in my vagina.

841
00:37:52.480 --> 00:37:54.528
That sounds horrible!
AMY: Yeah.

842
00:37:54.600 --> 00:37:57.046
Sometimes I take the
balls and shove 'em
up there, too,

843
00:37:57.120 --> 00:37:59.361
because at least, you know, they're firm.

844
00:37:59.440 --> 00:38:02.603
Honey, that is
a lot of shit to
shove up your cooter.

845
00:38:02.680 --> 00:38:04.682
I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

846
00:38:04.840 --> 00:38:07.320
(GASPS) What if I get
somebody who's
not circumcised?

847
00:38:07.400 --> 00:38:09.209
Run out of the room screaming.

848
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:10.884
It's like finding a gun in the street.

849
00:38:10.960 --> 00:38:12.724
Just scream and get outta there!

850
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:15.007
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.

851
00:38:15.080 --> 00:38:16.081
Really?

852
00:38:16.160 --> 00:38:17.491
Oh, they're always so nice to you,

853
00:38:17.560 --> 00:38:19.005
because they know their dicks are gross.

854
00:38:19.080 --> 00:38:20.206
How do I handle it?

855
00:38:20.280 --> 00:38:21.520
What, do I
just touch it?
Oh, I'll show you. Here.

856
00:38:21.600 --> 00:38:23.443
Let me just,
Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
Uh-uh. What?

857
00:38:23.520 --> 00:38:27.286
Just imagine for a second
that this is the hood
of the uncut cock

858
00:38:27.400 --> 00:38:29.801
and then this is
the penis face. Okay?
Mmm-hmm.

859
00:38:29.880 --> 00:38:32.121
So, what you would do is very gently,

860
00:38:32.200 --> 00:38:36.524
you would just kind
of try to peel it back

861
00:38:37.120 --> 00:38:39.805
over like that to
expose the head
of the cock.

862
00:38:39.960 --> 00:38:42.281
Okay.
And then you
would just gently,

863
00:38:42.360 --> 00:38:43.725
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just
wanna kind of,

864
00:38:43.840 --> 00:38:45.001
like it gets a little tight,

865
00:38:45.080 --> 00:38:46.525
and you gotta kind of work it,

866
00:38:46.600 --> 00:38:48.204
you know, you gotta work it off.

867
00:38:48.280 --> 00:38:50.681
And then you just
go to town like
it's a, you know...

868
00:38:50.840 --> 00:38:52.729
(GRUNTS) You know, you jerk it off

869
00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:53.926
till you wanna sit on it.

870
00:38:54.040 --> 00:38:55.371
Okay?
What do I
do with this?

871
00:38:55.400 --> 00:38:57.607
What?
Like, do I put it in
a hair clip or do I just...

872
00:38:57.680 --> 00:38:59.284
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,

873
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:00.486
this you can flick it, suck it,

874
00:39:00.560 --> 00:39:01.607
you know, rub your face on it.

875
00:39:01.680 --> 00:39:03.444
I don't wanna do that.
I don't wanna
rub my face on it.

876
00:39:03.560 --> 00:39:05.528
Okay, well, take care
of this, though.
Okay.

877
00:39:05.600 --> 00:39:08.570
'Cause this is
like a big,
giant man clit.

878
00:39:08.640 --> 00:39:09.641
This, right here.

879
00:39:09.720 --> 00:39:11.802
If you work this, it's gonna be like...

880
00:39:11.880 --> 00:39:12.881
(GRUNTS)

881
00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:14.001
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

882
00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:16.325
Does that
make sense, honey?
Yeah, it's great.

883
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:17.481
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you, honey.

884
00:39:17.560 --> 00:39:19.722
I'm not gonna
wear this sweatshirt
ever again.

885
00:40:04.240 --> 00:40:06.607
CARLA: Okay, okay,
all right. Let's get
right down to it.

886
00:40:06.920 --> 00:40:07.967
What kind of guy are you into, honey?

887
00:40:08.240 --> 00:40:11.449
(GASPS) You know what?
I've never been
with a Latin man.

888
00:40:11.640 --> 00:40:13.290
If I were you, I would start with maybe

889
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:15.727
like just kind of fat and Jewish,

890
00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:17.962
and then work
yourself into
the Latin guy.

891
00:40:18.040 --> 00:40:19.451
Excuse me.
Okay.

892
00:40:19.960 --> 00:40:21.086
Hi, there.
Hi!

893
00:40:21.160 --> 00:40:22.161
Is this seat taken?

894
00:40:22.600 --> 00:40:24.125
Um, yes.

895
00:40:24.200 --> 00:40:26.931
I mean, yes, no,
like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

896
00:40:27.360 --> 00:40:29.044
What do I do?
Ask him about his hobbies.

897
00:40:30.120 --> 00:40:31.281
Hi.
Hi.

898
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:33.806
Um, I'm Amy.
Braden.

899
00:40:33.880 --> 00:40:35.211
Braden, nice to meet you, Braden.

900
00:40:35.280 --> 00:40:37.328
Nice to meet you.
I like your
wedding ring.

901
00:40:37.440 --> 00:40:38.487
Shit!

902
00:40:38.600 --> 00:40:40.568
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

903
00:40:40.640 --> 00:40:43.371
(STUTTERING) Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.

904
00:40:43.440 --> 00:40:46.011
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping

905
00:40:46.080 --> 00:40:48.526
and I found it on
the floor, and I
picked it up and...

906
00:40:48.920 --> 00:40:50.160
And then I put it on.

907
00:40:50.880 --> 00:40:52.450
I'm gonna
sit somewhere else.
Okay.

908
00:40:53.480 --> 00:40:55.482
Ooh, maybe next time,
try it without
your wedding ring.

909
00:40:55.560 --> 00:40:57.085
Oh, that's
a great idea!
Yeah?

910
00:40:57.160 --> 00:40:58.685
Yes.
Hey, ladies.

911
00:40:58.760 --> 00:41:00.762
Hi!
Where are you
comin' in from?

912
00:41:00.840 --> 00:41:03.764
Uh, we live in Westbury with our kids.

913
00:41:04.760 --> 00:41:06.524
Great. Oh.

914
00:41:06.840 --> 00:41:08.444
Oh, forget it.
I'm really nervous,
you guys.

915
00:41:08.520 --> 00:41:09.760
You're doing great.
I know, I know. There is...

916
00:41:09.840 --> 00:41:10.841
You're doing great.

917
00:41:10.960 --> 00:41:12.007
Look it, there is so much cock in here...

918
00:41:12.080 --> 00:41:13.286
Yeah.
...that if you
literally...

919
00:41:13.360 --> 00:41:16.682
Just try to act
half-normal and
you are gonna get laid.

920
00:41:16.800 --> 00:41:18.928
Just don't be
such a mom.
Okay.

921
00:41:19.920 --> 00:41:21.365
You should eat more soup.

922
00:41:22.120 --> 00:41:25.169
Oh, I loved breastfeeding
until my nipples
started cracking.

923
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.286
This should prevent
the stain from setting,
okay?

924
00:41:29.200 --> 00:41:31.043
Tupperware! Pinterest!

925
00:41:31.160 --> 00:41:32.889
Explosive diarrhea!

926
00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:34.331
Does your mom know you're here?

927
00:41:34.920 --> 00:41:38.288
See, it wasn't just
about a dolphin
getting a new tail.

928
00:41:38.360 --> 00:41:40.567
It was about a family coming together.

929
00:41:44.840 --> 00:41:45.841
What did I say?

930
00:41:45.920 --> 00:41:46.967
(LAUGHS)

931
00:41:47.040 --> 00:41:48.201
Hey! Where are you going?

932
00:41:48.960 --> 00:41:50.041
Oh, my God, you guys.

933
00:41:50.120 --> 00:41:52.202
How'd it go?
Oh, horrible.

934
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:53.646
What's the matter, hon?
What happened?

935
00:41:53.720 --> 00:41:56.405
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.

936
00:41:56.480 --> 00:41:57.481
Oh!

937
00:41:57.560 --> 00:41:59.210
I really do.
Amy!

938
00:41:59.280 --> 00:42:00.281
Mmm.

939
00:42:01.520 --> 00:42:03.488
Jessie!
What are you guys
doing here?

940
00:42:03.560 --> 00:42:06.609
We're just, you know,
having a little
girls' night.

941
00:42:06.680 --> 00:42:09.684
Cool, so the husband's
at home with the kids?
That's nice.

942
00:42:09.800 --> 00:42:11.131
Oh, mmm...

943
00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:14.161
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.

944
00:42:14.240 --> 00:42:16.641
Yeah, yeah,
she caught him jerking off
with a dairy farmer.

945
00:42:16.760 --> 00:42:18.205
He's a sex criminal.

946
00:42:18.440 --> 00:42:21.284
(CHUCKLES) I don't know
where to start.
Are you okay?

947
00:42:21.360 --> 00:42:23.601
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.

948
00:42:23.680 --> 00:42:26.206
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.

949
00:42:26.320 --> 00:42:27.845
Yeah, me too.

950
00:42:27.920 --> 00:42:28.921
Me too.

951
00:42:29.240 --> 00:42:30.730
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.

952
00:42:30.760 --> 00:42:32.524
Let's go, creepy.
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)

953
00:42:32.720 --> 00:42:33.721
Okay.

954
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:35.081
Have fun.

955
00:42:36.160 --> 00:42:38.128
You are so hard.

956
00:42:38.280 --> 00:42:39.884
Really, he's got a hard body.

957
00:42:40.800 --> 00:42:43.201
Thank you. I think.

958
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:45.851
I cannot believe
Amy is talking to
Jessie Harkness.

959
00:42:45.920 --> 00:42:47.604
I have dreams about him braiding my hair.

960
00:42:47.720 --> 00:42:48.767
Okay, can you not stand so close to me?

961
00:42:48.920 --> 00:42:49.967
Because I'm still trying to get laid.

962
00:42:50.080 --> 00:42:51.445
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay.

963
00:42:51.560 --> 00:42:52.971
And don't dance walk.

964
00:42:58.520 --> 00:43:00.807
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?

965
00:43:02.120 --> 00:43:04.441
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?

966
00:43:04.600 --> 00:43:06.284
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.

967
00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:10.041
Wait. You asked
about me?
Yeah.

968
00:43:10.120 --> 00:43:11.201
Yeah, I...

969
00:43:12.080 --> 00:43:14.560
Okay, I've kind of
always had a thing
for you and...

970
00:43:14.760 --> 00:43:16.683
What?
I thought you knew that.

971
00:43:16.760 --> 00:43:19.650
No! I had no idea.
No? You had no idea?

972
00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:22.240
Oh, come on.
You're like my favorite
mom at the school.

973
00:43:22.320 --> 00:43:23.970
I mean, I honestly
don't know
how you do it.

974
00:43:24.120 --> 00:43:25.884
You take your kids
to all those activities,

975
00:43:25.960 --> 00:43:27.405
and you do all those insane projects.

976
00:43:27.480 --> 00:43:30.086
I saw your Richard
Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.

977
00:43:30.160 --> 00:43:32.970
Well, you know what?
I do have a little
thing for papier-mâché.

978
00:43:33.040 --> 00:43:34.644
It was really good.
Thank you.

979
00:43:34.760 --> 00:43:36.569
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?

980
00:43:36.640 --> 00:43:37.971
You know, my daughter's always saying,

981
00:43:38.040 --> 00:43:39.405
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"

982
00:43:39.480 --> 00:43:41.050
Oh, my God, I love your daughter.

983
00:43:41.160 --> 00:43:42.764
You're making me
look bad.
Oh, my God.

984
00:43:42.840 --> 00:43:45.605
Oh, this makes me
so happy. (CHUCKLES)

985
00:43:45.680 --> 00:43:47.842
You know what's just
really amazing, though,

986
00:43:47.920 --> 00:43:50.127
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.

987
00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:52.601
Meh, eh...
No, no, I'm serious!

988
00:43:52.680 --> 00:43:56.844
Anyone could force
their kids to play cello
or speak Chinese

989
00:43:56.960 --> 00:43:59.281
or, you know,
go to a fancy college,
or something like that,

990
00:43:59.400 --> 00:44:02.722
but what's really hard is raising kids

991
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:04.404
who are actually decent and kind

992
00:44:04.480 --> 00:44:07.051
and somehow you've done that.

993
00:44:07.560 --> 00:44:08.607
And you should be really proud.

994
00:44:08.680 --> 00:44:10.330
You're a fuckin' great mom.

995
00:44:13.560 --> 00:44:15.403
(GROANS) Oh, oh...

996
00:44:15.880 --> 00:44:18.042
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.

997
00:44:18.160 --> 00:44:20.128
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
And I'm so embarrassed.

998
00:44:20.200 --> 00:44:24.364
You kind of nailed my
face, but we should
probably do it again.

999
00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:26.608
Are you sure?
Just no sudden
movements.

1000
00:44:27.880 --> 00:44:29.211
Just nice and slow.

1001
00:44:35.160 --> 00:44:37.049
Carla. Carla!
What, hon?

1002
00:44:37.160 --> 00:44:38.127
Carla, look, look, look, look!

1003
00:44:38.200 --> 00:44:39.201
CARLA: No, Kiki.

1004
00:44:39.360 --> 00:44:40.885
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.

1005
00:44:46.880 --> 00:44:48.803
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

1006
00:45:08.400 --> 00:45:09.401
(CHUCKLES)

1007
00:45:15.600 --> 00:45:17.011
Mike!
Hey, babe!

1008
00:45:17.080 --> 00:45:19.845
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.

1009
00:45:19.920 --> 00:45:23.083
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.

1010
00:45:23.880 --> 00:45:27.362
And I feel like
we should just
put that in the past

1011
00:45:27.440 --> 00:45:28.771
and not talk about it.

1012
00:45:29.440 --> 00:45:31.647
Wait, what are you talking about?

1013
00:45:31.720 --> 00:45:34.451
Look, I...

1014
00:45:35.400 --> 00:45:36.845
I just needed a break.

1015
00:45:36.960 --> 00:45:38.530
Haven't you ever needed a break?

1016
00:45:38.960 --> 00:45:41.042
Of course I have, Mike.

1017
00:45:41.120 --> 00:45:43.407
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.

1018
00:45:43.600 --> 00:45:44.601
(SIGHS)

1019
00:45:45.600 --> 00:45:46.761
I miss the kids.

1020
00:45:47.640 --> 00:45:48.721
So much.

1021
00:45:48.800 --> 00:45:51.371
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.

1022
00:45:51.440 --> 00:45:53.886
And the dog, God, I miss Roscoe so much.

1023
00:45:53.960 --> 00:45:55.724
How is he doing?
He's fine.

1024
00:45:55.800 --> 00:45:58.565
Thank God.
The bottom line is,

1025
00:45:58.640 --> 00:46:01.405
I will do whatever
it takes to keep
this family together.

1026
00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:03.401
Really?

1027
00:46:04.480 --> 00:46:05.891
You'll finally go to therapy with me?

1028
00:46:05.960 --> 00:46:08.884
I knew you were
gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!

1029
00:46:08.960 --> 00:46:10.485
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.

1030
00:46:10.560 --> 00:46:11.561
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!

1031
00:46:11.640 --> 00:46:13.449
Bye-bye, Mike.
Honestly!

1032
00:46:13.520 --> 00:46:14.681
All right, you know what?

1033
00:46:14.760 --> 00:46:17.650
Even though it's a total
waste of time and money,
I will go to therapy.

1034
00:46:17.760 --> 00:46:22.004
But when I say go,
I mean, like actually go,
like participate, cry.

1035
00:46:22.120 --> 00:46:24.566
I haven't cried
since the Cubbies
lost it all in '03.

1036
00:46:24.640 --> 00:46:25.766
How do you expect me...
Mike, you know what?

1037
00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:27.842
Have fun with your little
weirdo girlfriend
on the Internet.

1038
00:46:27.920 --> 00:46:30.491
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?

1039
00:46:30.600 --> 00:46:31.681
I'll think about it.

1040
00:46:43.920 --> 00:46:45.001
Hey.

1041
00:46:46.880 --> 00:46:47.881
(CRYING)

1042
00:46:49.520 --> 00:46:52.205
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?

1043
00:46:52.280 --> 00:46:55.443
Coach says
I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.

1044
00:46:55.520 --> 00:46:57.727
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.

1045
00:46:57.800 --> 00:46:59.450
You're the best forward on that team.

1046
00:46:59.520 --> 00:47:01.682
Oh, my God, my life
is ruined. I'm never
going to college.

1047
00:47:01.760 --> 00:47:03.762
I might as well just become a teacher.

1048
00:47:03.880 --> 00:47:05.689
Baby, baby, look at me for one second.

1049
00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:08.201
You'll be okay.
I promise you
I'm gonna handle this.

1050
00:47:08.560 --> 00:47:09.971
Okay?
Okay.

1051
00:47:10.040 --> 00:47:11.121
Okay.

1052
00:47:11.200 --> 00:47:12.440
Just please don't make a scene.

1053
00:47:12.840 --> 00:47:15.047
Honey, I would never embarrass you.

1054
00:47:18.040 --> 00:47:19.280
(GRUNTS)

1055
00:47:19.720 --> 00:47:21.085
Gwendolyn made me do it!

1056
00:47:21.200 --> 00:47:22.201
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?

1057
00:47:22.360 --> 00:47:24.408
What is it with you moms?

1058
00:47:24.480 --> 00:47:26.960
I am a middle school soccer coach.

1059
00:47:27.040 --> 00:47:28.565
All I wanna do

1060
00:47:28.680 --> 00:47:32.651
is make enough
money to feed my cats
and fill my fuckin' Prius.

1061
00:47:32.720 --> 00:47:35.007
Grow some balls! Jesus!

1062
00:47:35.840 --> 00:47:36.841
Hey!

1063
00:47:38.520 --> 00:47:39.726
How dare you bench my daughter?

1064
00:47:39.880 --> 00:47:41.609
Oh, hi, Amy.

1065
00:47:41.680 --> 00:47:43.489
You have no right to do that.

1066
00:47:43.960 --> 00:47:45.485
Oh, actually, I do,

1067
00:47:45.560 --> 00:47:48.450
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity

1068
00:47:48.520 --> 00:47:51.842
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...

1069
00:47:52.680 --> 00:47:55.126
Oh... Okay.

1070
00:47:55.480 --> 00:47:56.641
Uh...

1071
00:47:57.680 --> 00:47:58.966
Well, um...

1072
00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:02.161
Not for long.

1073
00:48:02.240 --> 00:48:04.607
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?

1074
00:48:04.680 --> 00:48:07.286
That means
I'm gonna run against you
for PTA president.

1075
00:48:07.360 --> 00:48:09.010
Oh. (LAUGHS)

1076
00:48:11.440 --> 00:48:13.681
(WHISPERING) Amy's husband
just recently left her,

1077
00:48:14.520 --> 00:48:17.285
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.

1078
00:48:17.440 --> 00:48:19.249
Oh, that's so sad.

1079
00:48:19.880 --> 00:48:20.881
Ooh.

1080
00:48:24.600 --> 00:48:26.523
You're goin' down.

1081
00:48:26.600 --> 00:48:27.681
GWENDOLYN: No, honey,

1082
00:48:28.080 --> 00:48:31.368
the only thing going down
is your husband
on another woman.

1083
00:48:31.720 --> 00:48:32.960
Well, damn.

1084
00:48:35.520 --> 00:48:37.409
KIKI: This is
a terrible idea, Amy.

1085
00:48:37.840 --> 00:48:39.569
There's no way you can beat her.

1086
00:48:39.640 --> 00:48:42.371
Gwendolyn has been
president of the PTA
for the last six years.

1087
00:48:42.480 --> 00:48:46.724
Kiki, she messed
with my kid. I can't
let that stand. Come on!

1088
00:48:47.360 --> 00:48:49.044
KIKI: Right, but all
the different mom groups

1089
00:48:49.120 --> 00:48:50.167
are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.

1090
00:48:50.280 --> 00:48:53.250
She's got
the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,

1091
00:48:53.320 --> 00:48:54.401
the sad moms.

1092
00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:56.403
She has the blogging moms.

1093
00:48:56.480 --> 00:48:57.641
She's got the CrossFit moms.

1094
00:48:57.720 --> 00:48:58.721
Camel toe moms.

1095
00:48:59.160 --> 00:49:00.400
She's got the drunk moms.

1096
00:49:00.480 --> 00:49:01.720
The moms that you wanna fuck.

1097
00:49:01.800 --> 00:49:03.325
The moms that used to be dads.

1098
00:49:03.440 --> 00:49:05.727
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.

1099
00:49:05.800 --> 00:49:08.121
The hairy moms.
The wearable art moms.

1100
00:49:08.200 --> 00:49:09.725
The juicing moms.
Mmm-hmm.

1101
00:49:09.840 --> 00:49:12.002
She has the moms with the huge areolas.

1102
00:49:12.080 --> 00:49:15.527
The black moms,
the lesbian moms,
the divorced moms.

1103
00:49:15.640 --> 00:49:18.041
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.

1104
00:49:18.120 --> 00:49:19.770
That is a really hard group to get.

1105
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:21.171
I love those girls.

1106
00:49:21.240 --> 00:49:25.484
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.

1107
00:49:25.600 --> 00:49:28.683
She'll put your kids
in all the dumb classes
with all the dum-dums.

1108
00:49:28.800 --> 00:49:30.006
She'll give 'em the crappy teachers.

1109
00:49:30.120 --> 00:49:32.771
You can forget about soccer,
she won't even
give your kids milk.

1110
00:49:32.840 --> 00:49:36.447
But that's all the more
reason we have to
bring her down.

1111
00:49:36.520 --> 00:49:38.488
I mean, you guys, she's a bully!

1112
00:49:38.560 --> 00:49:41.450
Okay, she wants us all
to be these perfect little
Nazi-moms

1113
00:49:41.520 --> 00:49:44.683
and our kids
to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.

1114
00:49:44.760 --> 00:49:48.685
My daughter gets
a new rash every week,
and she's 12.

1115
00:49:48.760 --> 00:49:50.046
You had me at Nazi.

1116
00:49:50.520 --> 00:49:54.286
I say we go punch
that chick
right in the tits.

1117
00:49:54.360 --> 00:49:55.600
Yes!

1118
00:49:58.720 --> 00:50:01.200
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!

1119
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:03.561
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.

1120
00:50:03.680 --> 00:50:06.047
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?

1121
00:50:06.160 --> 00:50:07.491
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.

1122
00:50:07.560 --> 00:50:09.881
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.

1123
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:11.001
PTA president.

1124
00:50:11.120 --> 00:50:13.043
No! No, thank you!
Take it!

1125
00:50:13.200 --> 00:50:15.043
Okay!
Great!

1126
00:50:15.560 --> 00:50:16.971
(LAUGHING)

1127
00:50:17.520 --> 00:50:20.046
I'll fuck your
husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!

1128
00:50:20.160 --> 00:50:21.241
Vote for Amy!

1129
00:50:21.320 --> 00:50:22.401
Carla, get her!

1130
00:50:23.280 --> 00:50:25.009
Hey! Hey!

1131
00:50:25.080 --> 00:50:27.321
Don't you fuckin'
run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...

1132
00:50:27.480 --> 00:50:28.686
Ah!

1133
00:50:31.480 --> 00:50:32.481
(CHUCKLES)

1134
00:50:32.600 --> 00:50:33.886
It's so cute.

1135
00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:37.331
So, how many people
do you think are coming

1136
00:50:37.400 --> 00:50:38.686
to the Meet the Candidate Night?

1137
00:50:38.760 --> 00:50:40.489
Well, I told all the moms that I would

1138
00:50:40.560 --> 00:50:42.847
bang their husbands
if they didn't
show up, so...

1139
00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:45.082
AMY: (CHUCKLES) Carla.
A lot. My answer is a lot.

1140
00:50:45.400 --> 00:50:46.606
Thank you, Kiki.

1141
00:50:48.640 --> 00:50:50.688
Oh, Jesus, you guys, look at the kids.

1142
00:50:50.760 --> 00:50:52.683
My daughter won't stop studying.

1143
00:50:52.760 --> 00:50:53.761
CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.

1144
00:50:54.160 --> 00:50:56.891
All my kid wants
to do with books
is rip 'em in half.

1145
00:50:59.000 --> 00:51:01.048
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?

1146
00:51:01.600 --> 00:51:03.887
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,

1147
00:51:03.960 --> 00:51:06.804
is you don't know
whether or not
you're doing a good job

1148
00:51:06.880 --> 00:51:08.211
until they're fully grown.

1149
00:51:08.280 --> 00:51:10.123
And by that point, it's too late.

1150
00:51:10.240 --> 00:51:12.163
(AMY SIGHS)
Your kid
is either a nice guy

1151
00:51:12.240 --> 00:51:14.607
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.

1152
00:51:14.720 --> 00:51:16.449
I don't think those
are the only two options.

1153
00:51:16.760 --> 00:51:17.841
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

1154
00:51:17.960 --> 00:51:18.961
(CHUCKLES)

1155
00:51:20.040 --> 00:51:22.361
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box

1156
00:51:22.440 --> 00:51:24.886
and he called me a dumb bitch.

1157
00:51:24.960 --> 00:51:26.564
Oh, my God.
Okay.

1158
00:51:26.640 --> 00:51:30.486
My kid still
watches Sesame Street
and he doesn't get it.

1159
00:51:30.560 --> 00:51:31.925
(CHUCKLES)

1160
00:51:32.600 --> 00:51:34.443
My daughter's scared of balloons.

1161
00:51:34.960 --> 00:51:36.485
My kid eats butter like an entrée.

1162
00:51:36.600 --> 00:51:38.250
You gonna eat your butter?

1163
00:51:38.320 --> 00:51:39.970
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.

1164
00:51:40.040 --> 00:51:41.041
(KIKI SIGHS)

1165
00:51:41.280 --> 00:51:42.884
My son failed study hall.

1166
00:51:42.960 --> 00:51:44.803
Claire killed our neighbor's ferret.

1167
00:51:44.880 --> 00:51:48.089
I mean, we all pretended
like it was an accident,
but it wasn't.

1168
00:51:49.160 --> 00:51:50.491
She's a killer.

1169
00:51:50.640 --> 00:51:52.005
(LAUGHING)

1170
00:51:53.480 --> 00:51:54.481
Ugh.

1171
00:51:56.120 --> 00:51:59.567
I know we make
fun of them, but fuck,
I love them so much.

1172
00:51:59.640 --> 00:52:00.641
KIKI: Me too.

1173
00:52:01.000 --> 00:52:03.321
I would literally die for them right now.

1174
00:52:03.440 --> 00:52:04.965
Oh, you're making me cry.
(SNIFFLES)

1175
00:52:05.040 --> 00:52:07.168
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,

1176
00:52:07.320 --> 00:52:09.402
you guys, children are such a gift.

1177
00:52:09.520 --> 00:52:11.045
Every time I think about that big,

1178
00:52:11.120 --> 00:52:13.043
dumb motherfucker going off to college,

1179
00:52:13.120 --> 00:52:14.531
I wanna cry like a baby.

1180
00:52:15.680 --> 00:52:16.920
(BLOWS NOSE)

1181
00:52:25.360 --> 00:52:26.441
This sucks.

1182
00:52:26.520 --> 00:52:27.931
I can't believe you're making me cook

1183
00:52:28.040 --> 00:52:29.929
my own breakfast every single day.

1184
00:52:30.400 --> 00:52:33.131
You're doing
awesome, buddy.
You really are.

1185
00:52:33.360 --> 00:52:35.169
Hey, so where's my science project?

1186
00:52:35.600 --> 00:52:37.125
Oh, I didn't do it.

1187
00:52:37.200 --> 00:52:38.531
What? But it's due today.

1188
00:52:38.600 --> 00:52:40.523
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so unfair!

1189
00:52:40.640 --> 00:52:42.369
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.

1190
00:52:42.480 --> 00:52:43.925
But you're gonna actually have to start

1191
00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:45.490
doing your own homework from now on.

1192
00:52:46.520 --> 00:52:48.648
I am a slow learner, remember?

1193
00:52:48.720 --> 00:52:52.008
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.

1194
00:52:53.480 --> 00:52:55.005
Honey, do you know what "entitled" means?

1195
00:52:55.760 --> 00:52:57.808
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.

1196
00:52:58.760 --> 00:53:03.129
It means that
Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,

1197
00:53:03.240 --> 00:53:06.164
and now you think
the world owes
you something,

1198
00:53:06.240 --> 00:53:08.083
but it doesn't.

1199
00:53:08.160 --> 00:53:10.322
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,

1200
00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:13.688
then you're just gonna
grow up to be like
another entitled white dude

1201
00:53:13.760 --> 00:53:16.127
who thinks he's awesome for no reason.

1202
00:53:16.200 --> 00:53:18.168
And then you'll start a ska band,

1203
00:53:18.240 --> 00:53:21.528
and it'll be awful,
and you'll be mean
to girls,

1204
00:53:21.600 --> 00:53:25.207
and you'll grow
this ironic mustache
to look interesting,

1205
00:53:25.280 --> 00:53:28.329
but you won't
actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.

1206
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:32.724
So will you please,
please, just do
your own homework?

1207
00:53:34.160 --> 00:53:35.844
Fine. Jesus!

1208
00:53:35.920 --> 00:53:37.001
Great.

1209
00:53:41.680 --> 00:53:43.011
I love you.

1210
00:53:47.040 --> 00:53:48.530
So where are your kids tonight?

1211
00:53:48.600 --> 00:53:50.011
Oh, they're staying at a friend's house.

1212
00:53:50.120 --> 00:53:51.884
I gave my kid $10 and a cell phone

1213
00:53:51.960 --> 00:53:53.166
and I dropped him off at Arby's.

1214
00:53:53.240 --> 00:53:54.765
He'll be fine for hours.

1215
00:53:55.600 --> 00:53:56.647
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

1216
00:53:56.720 --> 00:53:57.767
CARLA: (GASPS)
Somebody's here.

1217
00:53:57.880 --> 00:53:59.086
Amy for president!
AMY: Yes!

1218
00:54:01.320 --> 00:54:03.322
Hi. Nice to meet you.

1219
00:54:03.560 --> 00:54:06.609
Thank you so much for coming.

1220
00:54:06.720 --> 00:54:09.644
I didn't want her to bang my husband.

1221
00:54:10.600 --> 00:54:12.045
No, she was just kidding.

1222
00:54:12.240 --> 00:54:13.241
Oh.

1223
00:54:13.320 --> 00:54:14.970
(MOUTHING)
I wasn't kidding.

1224
00:54:15.960 --> 00:54:16.961
Ugh.

1225
00:54:17.640 --> 00:54:19.642
Come in, come in.
I'm sorry, nobody's
here yet.

1226
00:54:19.920 --> 00:54:23.129
Yeah, well, I figured, what
with Gwendolyn's party
and everything. (CHUCKLES)

1227
00:54:24.360 --> 00:54:26.328
I'm sorry, what did you say?

1228
00:54:26.880 --> 00:54:28.803
Oh, nuts.

1229
00:54:29.080 --> 00:54:30.241
You didn't know.

1230
00:54:30.320 --> 00:54:34.086
Gwendolyn decided
to throw a competing
party at her house.

1231
00:54:34.160 --> 00:54:36.640
And she has Martha Stewart.

1232
00:54:37.920 --> 00:54:40.161
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?

1233
00:54:40.240 --> 00:54:41.924
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,

1234
00:54:42.000 --> 00:54:43.570
but I have to tell you, I just love you.

1235
00:54:43.640 --> 00:54:46.086
I've always wanted to be you, actually.

1236
00:54:46.160 --> 00:54:47.207
Yes.
Oh.

1237
00:54:47.600 --> 00:54:48.931
Martha, sweetheart.
Hi, hi.

1238
00:54:49.000 --> 00:54:52.083
Everything looks so beautiful.

1239
00:54:52.160 --> 00:54:54.766
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

1240
00:54:54.840 --> 00:54:57.411
It's been nice
talking to you, Martha,
but I have things to do.

1241
00:54:57.520 --> 00:54:58.601
Stop talking to her.
Okay.

1242
00:54:58.680 --> 00:55:01.365
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?

1243
00:55:01.440 --> 00:55:03.761
Eyes here so I know
you're hearing me.
PARTY GUESTS: Shh.

1244
00:55:03.840 --> 00:55:06.491
Listen, the program
is gonna begin
in about five minutes,

1245
00:55:06.560 --> 00:55:08.608
so take your assigned seats, okay?

1246
00:55:09.360 --> 00:55:10.725
Right now. Do it right now.

1247
00:55:11.160 --> 00:55:12.844
I can't believe Gwendolyn would do this.

1248
00:55:12.960 --> 00:55:14.485
I'm so sorry, sweetie.

1249
00:55:16.480 --> 00:55:19.324
You guys, what are we
gonna do with
all this shitty wine?

1250
00:55:19.680 --> 00:55:21.762
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys

1251
00:55:21.880 --> 00:55:24.326
about the advantages
of year-round school.

1252
00:55:25.240 --> 00:55:28.961
We need to change our children's future

1253
00:55:29.040 --> 00:55:33.523
by making them
go to school
365 days a year.

1254
00:55:34.000 --> 00:55:35.286
(ALL LAUGHING)

1255
00:55:35.360 --> 00:55:36.646
Three, two, one, go!

1256
00:55:36.720 --> 00:55:37.801
(GASPS) Catfish!

1257
00:55:37.880 --> 00:55:38.881
Did she say it?

1258
00:55:38.960 --> 00:55:39.961
Drink again!
Drink again,
drink again!

1259
00:55:40.040 --> 00:55:41.485
Why am I the one that's always drinking?

1260
00:55:41.560 --> 00:55:43.130
Because you said the clue word.

1261
00:55:43.200 --> 00:55:44.406
KIKI: That's when
you say it.

1262
00:55:44.520 --> 00:55:45.646
I don't understand this game.

1263
00:55:45.720 --> 00:55:47.563
It's not a reading game!
(CARLA LAUGHING)

1264
00:55:47.680 --> 00:55:48.727
Okay, go.

1265
00:55:48.800 --> 00:55:50.484
Amy.
AMY: What?

1266
00:55:50.560 --> 00:55:52.722
Emu!
No, Amy!

1267
00:55:52.840 --> 00:55:53.921
(INDISTINCT)

1268
00:55:54.000 --> 00:55:55.490
It said fuckin' "emu"!

1269
00:55:55.880 --> 00:55:57.564
You're not good at this.
(LAUGHING)

1270
00:55:57.640 --> 00:55:59.847
CARLA: Drink!
Drink again!

1271
00:56:00.560 --> 00:56:02.927
I'm gonna take you back a little bit.

1272
00:56:03.720 --> 00:56:05.006
Genghis Khan.

1273
00:56:05.080 --> 00:56:06.969
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?

1274
00:56:07.560 --> 00:56:09.005
I think not.

1275
00:56:09.080 --> 00:56:10.844
Skip forward a little bit.

1276
00:56:10.920 --> 00:56:12.490
Osama bin Laden.

1277
00:56:13.040 --> 00:56:15.168
(CELL PHONES RINGING)
He didn't have
year-round school.

1278
00:56:15.600 --> 00:56:17.409
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
There's nothing
more dangerous

1279
00:56:17.480 --> 00:56:19.562
than summer vacation.

1280
00:56:20.800 --> 00:56:22.484
GWENDOLYN:
Okay, ladies?
WOMAN: Yeah, let's go.

1281
00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:24.490
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

1282
00:56:25.360 --> 00:56:28.364
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.

1283
00:56:28.920 --> 00:56:30.570
Wow, there's a lot of you.

1284
00:56:31.320 --> 00:56:32.321
Ooh.

1285
00:56:37.440 --> 00:56:38.680
Are you sure you
can't stay a little
bit longer?

1286
00:56:38.760 --> 00:56:40.364
I've only got my sitter
until 9:00.
Oh.

1287
00:56:40.440 --> 00:56:42.124
So I have to skedaddle right now.

1288
00:56:42.200 --> 00:56:43.531
Okay. No, I understand.
I'm a mom.

1289
00:56:44.280 --> 00:56:45.361
I had such a great night.
Bye!

1290
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:46.441
WOMAN: We'll see you
over there.

1291
00:56:46.880 --> 00:56:49.281
Well, that ended
a lot earlier
than I anticipated.

1292
00:56:49.360 --> 00:56:50.361
Yeah.

1293
00:56:51.600 --> 00:56:52.567
You don't think they're all going over

1294
00:56:52.640 --> 00:56:54.768
to Amy's party, do you?
(LAUGHS)

1295
00:56:54.840 --> 00:56:57.446
Vicky, we had
Martha fuckin' Stewart
here tonight.

1296
00:56:57.520 --> 00:56:59.010
Who does Amy have, hmm?

1297
00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:03.450
I'll drive.
She could
have a point, yeah.

1298
00:57:03.560 --> 00:57:05.324
(ALL CHEERING)

1299
00:57:05.960 --> 00:57:07.405
This party is raging.

1300
00:57:07.480 --> 00:57:08.606
What a turnout.
(GASPS)

1301
00:57:08.960 --> 00:57:11.486
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?

1302
00:57:11.560 --> 00:57:14.131
Is that...
Is that...

1303
00:57:14.240 --> 00:57:15.651
Martha Stewart?

1304
00:57:15.760 --> 00:57:17.171
KIKI: Thank you.
AMY: Martha.

1305
00:57:17.560 --> 00:57:18.891
Oh, my God.
MARTHA: Good, right?

1306
00:57:18.960 --> 00:57:20.405
I'm cumming.

1307
00:57:20.480 --> 00:57:22.721
AMY: Oh, my God.
What's in this?

1308
00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:25.565
Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin...

1309
00:57:25.640 --> 00:57:27.642
Mmm.
...and a shitload of vodka.

1310
00:57:28.080 --> 00:57:29.081
(CHUCKLES)

1311
00:57:29.160 --> 00:57:30.321
They're delicious.

1312
00:57:30.400 --> 00:57:32.607
I start my day with six of these.

1313
00:57:32.800 --> 00:57:34.211
(ALL LAUGHING)

1314
00:57:35.480 --> 00:57:37.482
Drink! Drink!

1315
00:57:37.640 --> 00:57:40.291
Drink! Drink! Drink!

1316
00:58:00.360 --> 00:58:01.361
(LAUGHING)

1317
00:58:09.440 --> 00:58:10.680
Whoo!

1318
00:58:36.360 --> 00:58:37.361
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1319
00:58:39.240 --> 00:58:40.241
Whoo!
(CHEERING)

1320
00:59:14.440 --> 00:59:16.090
Holy shit.

1321
00:59:21.080 --> 00:59:24.209
Is that Jennifer
Noonan peeing
behind that car?

1322
00:59:24.280 --> 00:59:25.520
STACY: Oh, my goodness.

1323
00:59:25.600 --> 00:59:27.762
VICKY: This party
looks awesome!

1324
00:59:28.320 --> 00:59:29.446
I need to go to this party.

1325
00:59:29.520 --> 00:59:30.646
What? Vicky!
Whoo!

1326
00:59:31.400 --> 00:59:33.687
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.

1327
00:59:33.760 --> 00:59:37.287
I know it's a school night,
so we're just gonna
get right down to it.

1328
00:59:37.400 --> 00:59:41.962
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...

1329
00:59:42.440 --> 00:59:43.521
(ALL CHEERING)

1330
00:59:43.640 --> 00:59:45.961
Amy Mitchell!

1331
00:59:49.480 --> 00:59:50.970
Yes!

1332
00:59:54.840 --> 00:59:56.205
First of all, I just wanna say this,

1333
00:59:56.320 --> 01:00:00.803
that I think that we,
as moms,
do way too much stuff.

1334
01:00:01.320 --> 01:00:06.645
And if I'm elected,
I promise you
we are gonna do way less.

1335
01:00:06.880 --> 01:00:07.881
Whoo!

1336
01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:12.289
Right? Less PTA meetings,
less luncheons,
less fuckin' bake sales,

1337
01:00:12.360 --> 01:00:14.442
just less bullshit!

1338
01:00:14.640 --> 01:00:15.766
(ALL CHEERING)

1339
01:00:17.160 --> 01:00:18.286
AMY:
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1340
01:00:18.360 --> 01:00:20.203
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.

1341
01:00:20.280 --> 01:00:23.682
Come on, now, school
starts way too fucking
early, okay?

1342
01:00:23.760 --> 01:00:25.330
God, and they have way too much homework.

1343
01:00:25.400 --> 01:00:26.401
I mean, our kids don't even have time

1344
01:00:26.480 --> 01:00:27.970
to be kids anymore, am I right?

1345
01:00:28.160 --> 01:00:29.605
(ALL AGREEING)

1346
01:00:30.320 --> 01:00:32.687
And what is up with these
five standardized tests
a week?

1347
01:00:32.800 --> 01:00:35.929
We should not be
teaching our kids
how to be good test-takers.

1348
01:00:36.000 --> 01:00:38.731
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!

1349
01:00:40.520 --> 01:00:42.602
What is a standardized test?

1350
01:00:42.680 --> 01:00:46.287
So, if you're a mom
who's overworked,
overstressed,

1351
01:00:46.360 --> 01:00:50.206
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...

1352
01:00:50.520 --> 01:00:51.681
ALL: Yes!

1353
01:00:52.440 --> 01:00:53.965
Then just vote for me.

1354
01:00:54.080 --> 01:00:55.730
(ALL CHEERING)

1355
01:01:00.520 --> 01:01:03.922
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

1356
01:01:04.040 --> 01:01:05.644
This basic bitch right here,

1357
01:01:05.720 --> 01:01:07.085
she's gonna win the election.

1358
01:01:07.720 --> 01:01:09.210
No, she's not.

1359
01:01:09.320 --> 01:01:11.846
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.

1360
01:01:12.640 --> 01:01:14.563
You're gonna punch her in the vagina?

1361
01:01:14.640 --> 01:01:17.484
I literally don't know
why we hang out
with you anymore.

1362
01:01:27.360 --> 01:01:29.886
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?

1363
01:01:29.960 --> 01:01:32.406
They end at exactly
11:00.

1364
01:01:32.480 --> 01:01:33.481
(CHUCKLES)

1365
01:01:33.800 --> 01:01:36.246
I made out with so many women tonight.

1366
01:01:36.480 --> 01:01:38.528
I know.
KIKI: Guys...

1367
01:01:39.320 --> 01:01:41.561
I really like whippets.

1368
01:01:41.640 --> 01:01:42.641
(LAUGHING)

1369
01:01:42.760 --> 01:01:43.921
Hello?

1370
01:01:46.440 --> 01:01:48.090
Wow. Hey.

1371
01:01:49.320 --> 01:01:50.845
What are you doing here?

1372
01:01:52.400 --> 01:01:55.324
Well, you kind of booty texted me.

1373
01:01:55.720 --> 01:01:56.721
Uh...

1374
01:01:57.240 --> 01:02:00.369
What?
It was a great party,
Am. So, uh...

1375
01:02:00.760 --> 01:02:02.091
Okay.
You got
all this, right?

1376
01:02:02.160 --> 01:02:04.083
Hi, Jessie.
I really like
your clothes.

1377
01:02:05.240 --> 01:02:06.446
That was odd.

1378
01:02:06.880 --> 01:02:08.041
(INAUDIBLE)
(CHUCKLES)
I'm so sorry.

1379
01:02:09.560 --> 01:02:10.561
Um...

1380
01:02:11.560 --> 01:02:15.884
I actually think Carla
may have booty texted you
off my phone.

1381
01:02:16.040 --> 01:02:18.327
Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay, that makes sense

1382
01:02:18.400 --> 01:02:21.529
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.

1383
01:02:21.600 --> 01:02:23.523
Sorry.
It's okay.

1384
01:02:24.280 --> 01:02:25.964
Um, I don't know.

1385
01:02:27.280 --> 01:02:28.441
Should I leave?

1386
01:02:30.720 --> 01:02:31.881
No.

1387
01:02:35.760 --> 01:02:37.000
Uh...

1388
01:02:37.480 --> 01:02:39.528
I was really hoping you'd say that.

1389
01:02:48.800 --> 01:02:51.724
So what exactly did Carla text you?

1390
01:02:53.920 --> 01:02:55.160
Why don't I show you?

1391
01:02:55.400 --> 01:02:56.640
(GASPS) Oh.

1392
01:02:57.400 --> 01:02:58.447
Okay.

1393
01:03:02.240 --> 01:03:03.241
(GASPS)

1394
01:03:06.040 --> 01:03:07.565
Oh, yes!

1395
01:03:08.360 --> 01:03:09.361
(BOTH MOAN)

1396
01:03:16.000 --> 01:03:18.685
AMY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(JESSIE PANTING)

1397
01:03:19.640 --> 01:03:21.005
Oh, that was...

1398
01:03:21.120 --> 01:03:22.849
Unbelievable.
I can't...

1399
01:03:23.320 --> 01:03:24.401
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

1400
01:03:24.600 --> 01:03:25.761
What was that...
Wow.

1401
01:03:25.840 --> 01:03:27.285
That thing you did at the end?

1402
01:03:27.440 --> 01:03:29.204
(LAUGHS)
I don't know.

1403
01:03:29.280 --> 01:03:31.442
I kind of came up with it in the moment.

1404
01:03:31.520 --> 01:03:32.567
Was it okay?

1405
01:03:32.680 --> 01:03:34.364
Oh, my God,
it was amazing!
Yeah?

1406
01:03:34.480 --> 01:03:36.926
That was by far
the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.

1407
01:03:37.040 --> 01:03:38.451
Oh, I was so worried.

1408
01:03:38.520 --> 01:03:40.170
You know, it's been
awhile since
I've done this.

1409
01:03:40.680 --> 01:03:42.603
I think I got pregnant.
(LAUGHS)

1410
01:03:42.680 --> 01:03:45.251
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.

1411
01:03:45.360 --> 01:03:48.250
Hi, yeah.
Can I go down
on you again?

1412
01:03:48.520 --> 01:03:50.443
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

1413
01:03:50.520 --> 01:03:51.646
Cool.
Okay.

1414
01:03:51.720 --> 01:03:53.529
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.

1415
01:03:53.840 --> 01:03:55.569
Okay.
All right.

1416
01:03:55.680 --> 01:03:56.681
Oh.
Mmm.

1417
01:03:57.200 --> 01:03:59.043
(GASPS) Oh.

1418
01:03:59.120 --> 01:04:00.884
Oh, look at you go.

1419
01:04:05.560 --> 01:04:07.050
VICKY: God,
it's dark in here.

1420
01:04:09.720 --> 01:04:12.564
(WHISPERING) God.
I still don't understand
what we're doing.

1421
01:04:12.640 --> 01:04:15.246
Stop it.
You guys never
tell me what we're...

1422
01:04:20.840 --> 01:04:22.922
GWENDOLYN:
Vicky, why are you
so fuckin' stupid?

1423
01:04:26.160 --> 01:04:30.927
I like to start by saying
that every marriage
is savable.

1424
01:04:31.040 --> 01:04:33.361
You just need two people
who are willing
to work at it.

1425
01:04:33.760 --> 01:04:34.761
Okay?

1426
01:04:35.200 --> 01:04:38.090
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other

1427
01:04:38.160 --> 01:04:41.926
and say three things
that you like
about each other.

1428
01:04:43.960 --> 01:04:45.041
Mike?

1429
01:04:45.120 --> 01:04:48.044
Can I go second?
Okay. Yeah, sure.

1430
01:04:48.280 --> 01:04:49.930
Uh, Amy?

1431
01:04:50.240 --> 01:04:54.768
Okay, uh, Mike,
I like that you
gave me my children.

1432
01:04:55.200 --> 01:04:57.680
Uh, I like that you
pick them up
from school sometimes.

1433
01:04:57.760 --> 01:05:00.127
It's actually really helpful.

1434
01:05:00.640 --> 01:05:04.725
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.

1435
01:05:05.320 --> 01:05:07.448
Okay, Mike. Your turn.
MIKE: Okay.

1436
01:05:07.920 --> 01:05:10.400
I like your spaghetti.

1437
01:05:11.800 --> 01:05:13.848
And you make pretty good calzone.

1438
01:05:15.960 --> 01:05:16.961
Was that three?

1439
01:05:17.280 --> 01:05:20.921
That was like one and then 1A.

1440
01:05:22.160 --> 01:05:25.801
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.

1441
01:05:26.560 --> 01:05:28.927
All right, Amy,
I want you to
pretend to be Mike,

1442
01:05:29.560 --> 01:05:32.723
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.

1443
01:05:33.280 --> 01:05:35.248
Okay? And now
I just want you to

1444
01:05:35.320 --> 01:05:37.687
just tell me about your day.

1445
01:05:39.800 --> 01:05:41.211
(IN FALSETTO)
Hi, I'm Amy.

1446
01:05:41.800 --> 01:05:45.805
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face

1447
01:05:46.160 --> 01:05:49.403
and talk, talk, talk, talk.

1448
01:05:49.480 --> 01:05:50.606
Okay. Uh...

1449
01:05:51.480 --> 01:05:53.608
Amy, would you like to...
Yes, I would!

1450
01:05:56.120 --> 01:05:57.884
Hey, I'm Mike.

1451
01:05:58.320 --> 01:05:59.321
Um...

1452
01:05:59.440 --> 01:06:00.885
My life is awesome

1453
01:06:00.960 --> 01:06:04.169
because my wife takes care
of everything
in the world for me.

1454
01:06:04.280 --> 01:06:06.282
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!

1455
01:06:06.360 --> 01:06:07.930
She's a perfectionist.

1456
01:06:08.000 --> 01:06:09.161
So what's the point of even trying, okay?

1457
01:06:09.280 --> 01:06:10.327
How is that a problem?

1458
01:06:10.400 --> 01:06:11.925
And she hasn't given me a blowie

1459
01:06:12.000 --> 01:06:13.604
since my birthday five years ago!

1460
01:06:13.680 --> 01:06:15.489
Are you fucking
kidding me?
Which is so not cool!

1461
01:06:15.560 --> 01:06:16.800
Hold on one second!

1462
01:06:16.880 --> 01:06:18.166
You want a blowie?

1463
01:06:18.240 --> 01:06:21.289
Maybe if you
cleaned the kitchen,
made the kids dinner,

1464
01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:23.761
cared for someone other than yourself,

1465
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:24.921
I would give you so many blowies

1466
01:06:25.040 --> 01:06:26.451
your fuckin' dick would explode.

1467
01:06:26.520 --> 01:06:28.602
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.

1468
01:06:28.680 --> 01:06:31.570
Oh, my God,
I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.

1469
01:06:31.640 --> 01:06:32.641
I'm...

1470
01:06:33.520 --> 01:06:34.885
Mike, I...

1471
01:06:34.960 --> 01:06:36.450
I don't love you anymore.

1472
01:06:36.520 --> 01:06:39.046
I'm so sorry, but I just don't.

1473
01:06:39.160 --> 01:06:41.686
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.

1474
01:06:42.920 --> 01:06:46.561
That is exactly how I feel.

1475
01:06:52.360 --> 01:06:53.361
Okay...

1476
01:06:54.200 --> 01:06:58.250
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?

1477
01:07:00.360 --> 01:07:02.328
Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.

1478
01:07:03.720 --> 01:07:05.404
So what do you think we should do?

1479
01:07:05.760 --> 01:07:09.242
Well, as a therapist,
I'm not allowed
to tell you what to do,

1480
01:07:09.360 --> 01:07:13.684
but as a human being
with two fuckin' eyes
in my head,

1481
01:07:13.800 --> 01:07:17.930
yeah, I think you
should get divorced
as soon as possible.

1482
01:07:18.760 --> 01:07:20.524
This is some catastrophic shit.

1483
01:07:44.120 --> 01:07:45.645
I think it's for the best.

1484
01:07:46.400 --> 01:07:47.606
Yeah. Me too.

1485
01:07:51.280 --> 01:07:52.441
Can I give you a hug?

1486
01:07:56.600 --> 01:07:59.809
Mike. I'm so sorry.

1487
01:08:02.520 --> 01:08:03.806
I'm sorry, too.

1488
01:08:04.320 --> 01:08:05.321
Mmm.

1489
01:08:10.280 --> 01:08:11.247
You gotta watch out for you first.

1490
01:08:11.320 --> 01:08:14.290
Dale, why is there
a security guard
in my office?

1491
01:08:14.440 --> 01:08:15.851
Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,

1492
01:08:15.920 --> 01:08:18.491
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.

1493
01:08:18.560 --> 01:08:20.050
Are you firing me?

1494
01:08:20.120 --> 01:08:23.203
Yuck. Okay,
that's not my word.
I don't like that word.

1495
01:08:23.320 --> 01:08:24.321
But, yes, I'm firing you.

1496
01:08:24.440 --> 01:08:25.441
Why?

1497
01:08:25.520 --> 01:08:27.284
Well, you quit coming to the office.

1498
01:08:27.360 --> 01:08:30.489
Okay, maybe I've been
slacking off
a little bit, but...

1499
01:08:31.400 --> 01:08:34.324
Tessa took two weeks off
when Jon Snow died
on Game of Thrones,

1500
01:08:34.400 --> 01:08:35.447
and he's not even a real person.

1501
01:08:35.520 --> 01:08:38.126
To be fair,
we all took two weeks off
when Jon Snow died.

1502
01:08:38.200 --> 01:08:40.282
You're the only person
that didn't
take two weeks off.

1503
01:08:41.000 --> 01:08:42.206
But as a token of appreciation

1504
01:08:42.280 --> 01:08:43.645
for your six years with the company,

1505
01:08:43.720 --> 01:08:45.609
I got you a very special gift.

1506
01:08:48.840 --> 01:08:50.205
You got me
the four-ounce bag?

1507
01:08:50.280 --> 01:08:51.964
Couldn't even splurge for the eight?

1508
01:08:52.080 --> 01:08:53.445
(SHRIEKS)

1509
01:08:59.400 --> 01:09:00.481
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1510
01:09:03.400 --> 01:09:04.401
What?

1511
01:09:04.520 --> 01:09:07.330
PRINCIPAL BURR: Ms. Mitchell,
this is Principal Burr.
We need you to come in.

1512
01:09:07.400 --> 01:09:09.323
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,

1513
01:09:09.400 --> 01:09:12.165
and I'm very sorry,
Principal, for how
I answered the phone.

1514
01:09:15.360 --> 01:09:17.010
I'm sorry.
You found what?

1515
01:09:17.080 --> 01:09:20.289
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.

1516
01:09:20.360 --> 01:09:23.011
Now, it looks like
Sour Diesel or
a little Afghan Kush.

1517
01:09:23.080 --> 01:09:25.242
That's impossible.
She's only 12.

1518
01:09:25.360 --> 01:09:28.045
It happens.
Snoop been smokin'
since he was five.

1519
01:09:28.160 --> 01:09:29.321
Those aren't mine.

1520
01:09:29.400 --> 01:09:31.323
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.

1521
01:09:31.400 --> 01:09:32.640
Baby, I believe you.

1522
01:09:32.720 --> 01:09:34.722
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?

1523
01:09:34.840 --> 01:09:38.003
We were tipped off by a concerned parent.

1524
01:09:38.600 --> 01:09:40.329
Wait a minute.

1525
01:09:40.400 --> 01:09:42.846
Was this
concerned parent's name
Gwendolyn James?

1526
01:09:42.920 --> 01:09:45.127
Hey, listen, I don't
know nothin' about
Gwendolyn James, all right?

1527
01:09:45.240 --> 01:09:46.287
That woman scares me.

1528
01:09:46.360 --> 01:09:49.842
What I do know
is this school is
a zero-tolerance school,

1529
01:09:49.920 --> 01:09:51.160
so that means that your daughter's banned

1530
01:09:51.240 --> 01:09:52.890
from all extra-curricular
activities.

1531
01:09:53.160 --> 01:09:54.161
What does that mean?

1532
01:09:54.240 --> 01:09:55.765
That means you're off the soccer team.

1533
01:09:55.920 --> 01:09:57.126
What?

1534
01:09:58.200 --> 01:10:00.282
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.

1535
01:10:01.840 --> 01:10:03.080
Honey, baby, hold on.

1536
01:10:04.600 --> 01:10:06.967
That little girl rolls a real tight jay.

1537
01:10:08.200 --> 01:10:09.690
This is all your fault.

1538
01:10:09.760 --> 01:10:11.444
Why did you mess with Gwendolyn James?

1539
01:10:11.560 --> 01:10:13.324
AMY: Sweetie,
I am so sorry.

1540
01:10:13.560 --> 01:10:15.289
Honey, please, I didn't mean for this.

1541
01:10:15.440 --> 01:10:17.204
Yes, you did mean to, Mom!

1542
01:10:17.600 --> 01:10:20.365
You were sick of being a mom, so you quit

1543
01:10:20.440 --> 01:10:21.805
and you started partying

1544
01:10:21.880 --> 01:10:23.848
with your weird, new friends,

1545
01:10:23.920 --> 01:10:26.048
and blowing off work, and, oh, yeah,

1546
01:10:26.120 --> 01:10:29.249
having sex with Lori Harkness' dad.

1547
01:10:29.600 --> 01:10:30.761
So gross!

1548
01:10:31.160 --> 01:10:32.969
Honey, I know that you're mad.

1549
01:10:33.080 --> 01:10:35.367
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.

1550
01:10:35.440 --> 01:10:38.603
You are so selfish
and it frigging
sucks, okay?

1551
01:10:38.720 --> 01:10:41.690
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Tell me, how can I
make this better?

1552
01:10:41.760 --> 01:10:43.922
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.

1553
01:10:44.000 --> 01:10:45.490
Even he's a better parent than you.

1554
01:10:46.000 --> 01:10:47.001
(SIGHS)

1555
01:10:54.400 --> 01:10:55.526
Oh, my God.

1556
01:10:56.400 --> 01:10:59.051
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?

1557
01:10:59.120 --> 01:11:02.203
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.

1558
01:11:02.320 --> 01:11:03.970
What? No way!
Yeah.

1559
01:11:04.480 --> 01:11:07.245
Look, I am not blaming
Amy Mitchell. I mean,
my God, I would never...

1560
01:11:07.320 --> 01:11:09.687
Of course.
...ever judge
another mother,

1561
01:11:09.800 --> 01:11:12.087
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,

1562
01:11:12.160 --> 01:11:16.563
do we want someone
who is that reckless
and irresponsible

1563
01:11:16.640 --> 01:11:21.328
and mentally unhinged
alcoholic to be president
of the PTA?

1564
01:11:22.360 --> 01:11:23.407
I don't know.

1565
01:11:23.480 --> 01:11:26.848
You know what?
I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.

1566
01:11:26.960 --> 01:11:28.689
Oh, God.
Foreigners.

1567
01:11:28.760 --> 01:11:30.808
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray

1568
01:11:30.880 --> 01:11:34.089
that Amy's little
crackhead daughter
gets the help she needs.

1569
01:11:35.040 --> 01:11:36.041
(INAUDIBLE)

1570
01:11:39.040 --> 01:11:40.485
Mike, if Janey needs anything,

1571
01:11:40.560 --> 01:11:42.767
and I mean anything, just please call me.

1572
01:11:42.840 --> 01:11:45.127
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.

1573
01:11:45.200 --> 01:11:47.851
They got
an indoor-outdoor pool,
room service,

1574
01:11:47.920 --> 01:11:48.967
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.

1575
01:11:49.040 --> 01:11:50.883
You're staying at the Waldorf?

1576
01:11:50.960 --> 01:11:53.725
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.

1577
01:11:53.800 --> 01:11:55.325
It's a safe hotel.

1578
01:11:55.400 --> 01:11:58.370
Wait, bye, angel!
Have so much
fun with Daddy!

1579
01:11:59.360 --> 01:12:00.850
Can I get a hug?

1580
01:12:02.280 --> 01:12:04.965
No? Okay. Okay.

1581
01:12:06.560 --> 01:12:08.927
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?

1582
01:12:09.000 --> 01:12:11.321
Dylan, you know the hotel has TVs.

1583
01:12:11.400 --> 01:12:13.209
You don't have to bring your own.

1584
01:12:13.320 --> 01:12:14.321
(ROSCOE WHINES)

1585
01:12:15.560 --> 01:12:18.643
Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.

1586
01:12:18.720 --> 01:12:21.246
Oh, the Waldorf's
dog-friendly,
so don't worry.

1587
01:12:21.360 --> 01:12:22.691
Yeah. So.

1588
01:12:22.760 --> 01:12:24.410
Mike, please go.
Yeah.

1589
01:12:29.160 --> 01:12:30.366
Bye, kids.

1590
01:12:32.840 --> 01:12:33.841
(SIGHS)

1591
01:14:05.480 --> 01:14:08.370
PRINCIPAL BURR: Welcome to
the annual PTA election.

1592
01:14:09.560 --> 01:14:11.881
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1593
01:14:13.320 --> 01:14:15.926
We will start with
the candidates' statements,

1594
01:14:16.000 --> 01:14:18.480
and since only one bothered to show up,

1595
01:14:19.160 --> 01:14:20.491
she will go first.

1596
01:14:21.800 --> 01:14:23.325
Gwendolyn, you have five minutes.

1597
01:14:26.000 --> 01:14:28.162
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.

1598
01:14:29.000 --> 01:14:30.923
(MAN SCREAMING
ON TV)

1599
01:14:35.520 --> 01:14:37.807
God, this movie's depressing.

1600
01:14:38.320 --> 01:14:39.606
(KNOCKING)
CARLA: Amy! Amy,
I'm sorry we're late.

1601
01:14:39.680 --> 01:14:41.011
Oh, my God!
It's Kiki's fault.

1602
01:14:41.160 --> 01:14:42.127
Sorry we're late, honey.
So sorry.

1603
01:14:42.200 --> 01:14:43.247
I had to pee.

1604
01:14:43.360 --> 01:14:44.486
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?

1605
01:14:44.560 --> 01:14:45.641
What's going on?

1606
01:14:45.720 --> 01:14:47.051
What are you talking about?

1607
01:14:47.400 --> 01:14:49.243
What are you...
It's the PTA election.

1608
01:14:49.360 --> 01:14:52.204
Oh, my God, no.
Sorry, I'm not
going to that.

1609
01:14:52.320 --> 01:14:53.731
What? Why not?

1610
01:14:53.880 --> 01:14:55.450
Oh, I don't know.

1611
01:14:55.520 --> 01:14:59.286
Maybe because my
husband left me,
my kids left me.

1612
01:14:59.360 --> 01:15:01.203
My fucking dog left me.

1613
01:15:01.320 --> 01:15:03.448
All the moms in school hate me,

1614
01:15:03.560 --> 01:15:07.849
and I am a complete
and utter failure
as a mother.

1615
01:15:07.920 --> 01:15:10.127
First of all, you are
so not a failure
as a mother.

1616
01:15:10.200 --> 01:15:12.965
In fact,
you're the best mother
that we've ever seen.

1617
01:15:13.040 --> 01:15:14.041
True that.

1618
01:15:14.160 --> 01:15:16.128
You give your kids salad.

1619
01:15:16.240 --> 01:15:18.242
You remember your kids' birthdays.

1620
01:15:18.720 --> 01:15:20.927
I mean, I sat here and watched you wait

1621
01:15:21.000 --> 01:15:23.606
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.

1622
01:15:23.680 --> 01:15:26.251
Most moms do that, Carla.

1623
01:15:26.840 --> 01:15:28.001
(WHISPERS)
That's most moms, yeah.

1624
01:15:28.080 --> 01:15:31.721
Well, whatever.
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen you do.

1625
01:15:31.880 --> 01:15:32.961
You've quit trying.

1626
01:15:33.920 --> 01:15:35.570
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!

1627
01:15:35.680 --> 01:15:38.001
No! Quitting
is for dads!

1628
01:15:38.080 --> 01:15:39.081
Uh...

1629
01:15:39.760 --> 01:15:42.081
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,

1630
01:15:42.160 --> 01:15:43.241
us moms, we have to just...

1631
01:15:44.280 --> 01:15:45.770
We have to just
keep going.
Mmm-hmm.

1632
01:15:45.960 --> 01:15:47.371
And do you know why?

1633
01:15:47.480 --> 01:15:49.244
Because we have
low self-esteem.

1634
01:15:49.360 --> 01:15:51.169
No. No, no.

1635
01:15:51.920 --> 01:15:54.048
It's because we love our kids.

1636
01:15:54.120 --> 01:15:55.360
It's because we love our stupid,

1637
01:15:55.440 --> 01:15:57.841
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!

1638
01:15:57.920 --> 01:15:58.887
That's why.

1639
01:15:58.960 --> 01:16:01.691
We love 'em so much that we would do...

1640
01:16:02.440 --> 01:16:03.885
Literally anything for them.

1641
01:16:04.600 --> 01:16:06.409
You guys, I can't win the election.

1642
01:16:06.480 --> 01:16:07.481
Oh, my God!
Amy!

1643
01:16:07.560 --> 01:16:09.164
Amy!
This is not
about the election.

1644
01:16:09.240 --> 01:16:10.241
Amy, sit up.

1645
01:16:10.320 --> 01:16:12.004
This is about standing up to the bitch

1646
01:16:12.080 --> 01:16:13.809
that hurt your little girl!

1647
01:16:14.000 --> 01:16:18.085
Now, are you gonna sit here
and let Gwendolyn get
away with this shit?

1648
01:16:18.160 --> 01:16:19.924
Don't do it, Amy.
Fuck that!

1649
01:16:20.000 --> 01:16:21.240
Fuck it!

1650
01:16:21.680 --> 01:16:25.890
You are gonna rise up
like a small, little
white Apollo Creed

1651
01:16:26.560 --> 01:16:28.528
and you are gonna
look at Gwendolyn
and you are gonna say,

1652
01:16:28.960 --> 01:16:30.530
"You can do what
you want to me,
I don't care,

1653
01:16:30.600 --> 01:16:31.647
"throw it at me,

1654
01:16:31.760 --> 01:16:34.001
"but you fucked with my daughter,

1655
01:16:34.120 --> 01:16:35.531
"and now I have to fight you.

1656
01:16:36.640 --> 01:16:38.642
"I will fight you in the playground.

1657
01:16:38.800 --> 01:16:40.802
"I will fight you in the cafeteria.

1658
01:16:41.800 --> 01:16:45.486
"I will even fight you
in the parking
lot of Trader Joe's.

1659
01:16:46.840 --> 01:16:49.491
"But I will have
justice for
my little girl,

1660
01:16:50.640 --> 01:16:53.564
"because I am a fucking mom.

1661
01:16:55.120 --> 01:16:58.169
"And we protect
our young."

1662
01:17:00.720 --> 01:17:02.927
So get up off this couch,

1663
01:17:03.000 --> 01:17:05.970
turn off 12 Years a Slave

1664
01:17:06.040 --> 01:17:08.042
and let's body slam this bitch.

1665
01:17:11.560 --> 01:17:13.608
KIKI:
Come on, Amy.
Come on,

1666
01:17:13.680 --> 01:17:14.966
get those tits up.

1667
01:17:15.040 --> 01:17:16.690
Get 'em up.
Get 'em up.

1668
01:17:16.760 --> 01:17:18.569
Get your boobs up.
Get those tits right up.

1669
01:17:18.680 --> 01:17:20.762
I'm gonna get
my tits up.
Get your tits up!

1670
01:17:20.880 --> 01:17:22.530
They're getting up,
you guys.
They're getting up.

1671
01:17:22.560 --> 01:17:24.085
I can see it.
Guys, my tits
are gettin' up.

1672
01:17:24.200 --> 01:17:26.282
They're getting up.
They're getting up.
That's it.

1673
01:17:26.360 --> 01:17:27.805
They are up!

1674
01:17:35.680 --> 01:17:36.681
(CARLA WHOOPING)

1675
01:17:37.520 --> 01:17:39.045
Go, go, go, go!

1676
01:17:39.600 --> 01:17:40.840
(TIRES SCREECHING)

1677
01:17:40.920 --> 01:17:42.809
(ALL SCREAMING)

1678
01:17:45.080 --> 01:17:46.081
Oh, my God.

1679
01:17:46.160 --> 01:17:48.766
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.

1680
01:17:54.840 --> 01:17:56.524
This is a one-way street!

1681
01:17:58.360 --> 01:17:59.486
Move out of the way!

1682
01:17:59.560 --> 01:18:02.689
We're on our way
to a PTA meeting,
motherfuckers!

1683
01:18:02.880 --> 01:18:04.120
Oh, my God, there's a truck!

1684
01:18:04.400 --> 01:18:06.323
Truck! Truck! Truck!
Oh, my God!

1685
01:18:06.600 --> 01:18:07.681
(HONKING)

1686
01:18:11.080 --> 01:18:12.366
Oh, my God.

1687
01:18:12.560 --> 01:18:13.721
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1688
01:18:13.800 --> 01:18:16.406
Oh, shit.
Oh, fun.
Kent is calling.

1689
01:18:17.000 --> 01:18:18.240
Hi, honey.
KENT: Kiki.

1690
01:18:18.920 --> 01:18:20.649
(CRYING)
The kids are going insane.

1691
01:18:20.720 --> 01:18:22.882
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.

1692
01:18:23.400 --> 01:18:25.164
But I can't come home.

1693
01:18:25.240 --> 01:18:27.971
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.

1694
01:18:28.040 --> 01:18:30.247
No, no, no, no.
I said come home now,
damn it!

1695
01:18:33.680 --> 01:18:34.841
And I said,

1696
01:18:34.920 --> 01:18:38.845
"I'm going to
the fucking PTA meeting
with my fucking friends,"

1697
01:18:38.920 --> 01:18:41.890
so stop being
such a goddamn pussy
and make it work!

1698
01:18:42.560 --> 01:18:43.891
Kiki. Kiki...

1699
01:18:47.000 --> 01:18:48.001
(SCREAMS)

1700
01:18:48.400 --> 01:18:49.686
That was very exciting.

1701
01:18:49.760 --> 01:18:51.524
How good did that feel?
That felt good, didn't it?

1702
01:18:51.600 --> 01:18:53.443
It's very exciting!
Yes!

1703
01:18:53.560 --> 01:18:55.562
It's very exciting!
(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)

1704
01:18:57.360 --> 01:19:00.204
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others

1705
01:19:00.280 --> 01:19:02.169
that I laid out for you today

1706
01:19:02.240 --> 01:19:04.766
that I humbly ask for your vote.

1707
01:19:09.440 --> 01:19:11.283
All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.

1708
01:19:12.280 --> 01:19:14.647
Uh, well...
Sorry I'm late!

1709
01:19:17.080 --> 01:19:20.084
Actually, you're
just in time to give
your candidate statement.

1710
01:19:20.160 --> 01:19:21.366
What's a candidate statement?

1711
01:19:21.480 --> 01:19:22.811
KIKI: Oh, I think
that's like a speech.

1712
01:19:22.840 --> 01:19:25.047
You got one of those,
right, honey?
What are you talking about?

1713
01:19:25.120 --> 01:19:27.407
You don't have a speech?
(SOFTLY) Of course not!

1714
01:19:27.480 --> 01:19:28.641
It's all good.

1715
01:19:29.800 --> 01:19:31.040
She's got a great speech.

1716
01:19:31.400 --> 01:19:33.448
AMY: I'm not good at
this public speaking.

1717
01:19:34.800 --> 01:19:37.485
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.

1718
01:19:38.000 --> 01:19:39.047
(EXHALES)

1719
01:19:42.840 --> 01:19:43.841
Okay.

1720
01:19:47.200 --> 01:19:49.328
Wow, there's a lot of you.

1721
01:19:49.400 --> 01:19:50.765
Introduce yourself.

1722
01:19:51.680 --> 01:19:54.445
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

1723
01:19:54.560 --> 01:19:56.289
Good.

1724
01:19:56.360 --> 01:19:57.885
And I'm running for PTA president.

1725
01:19:59.680 --> 01:20:00.681
(WOMAN COUGHING)

1726
01:20:01.160 --> 01:20:02.207
You're doing great.

1727
01:20:03.160 --> 01:20:04.241
Just 'cause they're not responding

1728
01:20:04.360 --> 01:20:06.010
doesn't mean they think you're terrible.

1729
01:20:10.440 --> 01:20:11.805
You know...

1730
01:20:13.520 --> 01:20:16.091
I know there's a lot of
rumors going around
about my daughter.

1731
01:20:16.200 --> 01:20:17.201
(WOMEN MURMURING)

1732
01:20:17.680 --> 01:20:18.920
That's a bad place to start.

1733
01:20:19.040 --> 01:20:21.771
And I'm guessing
a lot of you think
that I'm a bad mom.

1734
01:20:21.840 --> 01:20:22.887
Yes.

1735
01:20:22.960 --> 01:20:26.089
No, no. No,
you know what?
You're right.

1736
01:20:26.600 --> 01:20:29.285
Sometimes, I'm too lenient with my kids.

1737
01:20:29.360 --> 01:20:31.203
Sometimes, I'm too strict.

1738
01:20:31.280 --> 01:20:32.964
Well, we overestimated her, obviously.

1739
01:20:33.040 --> 01:20:34.246
Sometimes, I'm so crazy

1740
01:20:34.320 --> 01:20:35.651
that I don't even understand the words

1741
01:20:35.720 --> 01:20:37.210
that are coming out of my mouth.

1742
01:20:38.920 --> 01:20:42.891
You see, what works
for my daughter almost
never works for my son.

1743
01:20:44.880 --> 01:20:48.327
And whenever I think
I'm actually starting
to figure my kids out,

1744
01:20:49.440 --> 01:20:52.284
they grow up and I'm back to square one.

1745
01:20:53.480 --> 01:20:56.689
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,

1746
01:20:57.560 --> 01:20:58.561
(CHUCKLES)

1747
01:20:58.640 --> 01:21:00.768
I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

1748
01:21:00.880 --> 01:21:02.325
(ALL LAUGH)

1749
01:21:02.760 --> 01:21:05.570
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.

1750
01:21:05.680 --> 01:21:08.331
I think we're all
bad moms,
and you know why?

1751
01:21:08.880 --> 01:21:13.886
Because being a mom today is impossible!

1752
01:21:17.600 --> 01:21:19.648
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.

1753
01:21:19.720 --> 01:21:21.848
She's doing great.
She's a natural.

1754
01:21:21.920 --> 01:21:25.925
So can we all just
please stop pretending
like we have it figured out

1755
01:21:26.000 --> 01:21:28.048
and stop judging each other for once?

1756
01:21:29.080 --> 01:21:31.731
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...

1757
01:21:31.800 --> 01:21:34.610
Because I want our school to be a place

1758
01:21:34.680 --> 01:21:37.206
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,

1759
01:21:37.280 --> 01:21:39.442
where you're being judged
on how hard you work

1760
01:21:39.520 --> 01:21:42.171
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.

1761
01:21:42.240 --> 01:21:43.605
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1762
01:21:46.360 --> 01:21:47.521
Yeah!
Yeah!

1763
01:21:47.600 --> 01:21:51.207
I want our school
to be a place where it's okay
to be a bad mom.

1764
01:21:51.280 --> 01:21:52.725
Do you know what I mean?

1765
01:21:53.320 --> 01:21:55.971
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.

1766
01:21:56.560 --> 01:21:58.881
That's okay! Listen,
we've all been there.
(ALL CLAPPING)

1767
01:21:58.960 --> 01:22:03.682
I confiscated my son's weed
and then I smoked
the shit out of it!

1768
01:22:05.080 --> 01:22:06.684
(YELLS)
What's your number?

1769
01:22:06.760 --> 01:22:09.445
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night

1770
01:22:09.520 --> 01:22:10.885
so I can watch The Voice.

1771
01:22:11.480 --> 01:22:12.481
(LAUGHS)

1772
01:22:13.000 --> 01:22:15.048
I can't tell my twins apart!

1773
01:22:15.120 --> 01:22:17.248
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.

1774
01:22:17.320 --> 01:22:19.209
I drink margaritas for breakfast.

1775
01:22:19.280 --> 01:22:21.487
I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

1776
01:22:21.800 --> 01:22:23.404
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

1777
01:22:25.040 --> 01:22:27.168
Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

1778
01:22:27.240 --> 01:22:29.891
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.

1779
01:22:29.960 --> 01:22:31.166
Wait, really?
(WOMEN GASP AND CHEER)

1780
01:22:32.320 --> 01:22:33.321
(WHOOPING)

1781
01:22:33.400 --> 01:22:34.970
Yeah, you do!

1782
01:22:35.240 --> 01:22:36.446
I don't even have kids!

1783
01:22:36.520 --> 01:22:39.000
I just come to
PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.

1784
01:22:39.160 --> 01:22:40.605
CROWD: Aw.
(APPLAUSE)

1785
01:22:42.840 --> 01:22:43.841
AMY: Here's the thing.

1786
01:22:44.320 --> 01:22:45.731
If you're a perfect mom

1787
01:22:45.800 --> 01:22:48.406
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,

1788
01:22:48.480 --> 01:22:51.165
well, then, you should
probably vote
for Gwendolyn,

1789
01:22:51.320 --> 01:22:53.368
'cause she's amazing.

1790
01:22:53.520 --> 01:22:54.521
Yes.

1791
01:22:54.680 --> 01:22:56.762
But if you're a bad mom like me

1792
01:22:56.840 --> 01:22:59.002
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,

1793
01:22:59.800 --> 01:23:02.724
or you're just
sick of being judged
all the time...

1794
01:23:04.880 --> 01:23:06.530
Then please vote for me.

1795
01:23:07.800 --> 01:23:09.211
Thank you.
(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1796
01:23:11.560 --> 01:23:12.971
Oh, my God!

1797
01:23:16.920 --> 01:23:18.331
Are you kidding me?

1798
01:23:34.360 --> 01:23:35.486
Yes!

1799
01:23:35.560 --> 01:23:36.686
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1800
01:23:36.760 --> 01:23:39.525
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!

1801
01:23:46.480 --> 01:23:48.881
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1802
01:23:49.360 --> 01:23:50.646
Oh, mama.

1803
01:23:50.720 --> 01:23:52.722
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!

1804
01:23:52.840 --> 01:23:55.571
I still can't believe
you won.
I know!

1805
01:23:55.640 --> 01:23:58.041
Oh, I'm so happy
you guys dragged me
out of the house.

1806
01:23:58.640 --> 01:24:00.961
Oh, sweetheart,
I didn't doubt you
for a second.

1807
01:24:01.120 --> 01:24:03.646
Oh, God, you know, I forgot what it was

1808
01:24:03.720 --> 01:24:04.846
like to have real friends,

1809
01:24:04.920 --> 01:24:07.287
like, true friends.

1810
01:24:07.360 --> 01:24:08.327
I know.

1811
01:24:08.400 --> 01:24:11.688
Before you guys,
my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.

1812
01:24:11.840 --> 01:24:12.921
(LAUGHS)

1813
01:24:13.520 --> 01:24:15.124
You're pretty much the first bitches

1814
01:24:15.200 --> 01:24:17.282
to ever talk to me at this school, so...

1815
01:24:17.400 --> 01:24:20.290
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.

1816
01:24:20.360 --> 01:24:21.930
Me too.
Me three.

1817
01:24:22.000 --> 01:24:24.048
Let's hug for a really long time.

1818
01:24:24.160 --> 01:24:26.561
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.

1819
01:24:27.040 --> 01:24:28.201
(KIKI LAUGHS)

1820
01:24:28.760 --> 01:24:31.001
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING
OVER CAR STEREO)
(GWENDOLYN SOBBING)

1821
01:24:31.800 --> 01:24:34.201
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?

1822
01:24:35.440 --> 01:24:37.249
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, honey. Sure.

1823
01:24:37.320 --> 01:24:38.526
Okay.
Sure, take a minute.

1824
01:24:38.600 --> 01:24:39.886
Digest it.
Thanks.

1825
01:24:54.800 --> 01:24:56.245
What, did you come
to gloat? (SNIFFLES)

1826
01:24:56.360 --> 01:24:58.647
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.

1827
01:24:58.760 --> 01:25:01.604
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine.

1828
01:25:01.720 --> 01:25:04.564
Okay. I don't wanna
bother you.
No, I'm good.

1829
01:25:04.640 --> 01:25:06.483
It's just that the PTA

1830
01:25:07.560 --> 01:25:10.643
was the only good
thing in my life and
now I've lost that, too.

1831
01:25:11.240 --> 01:25:13.527
Come on, Gwendolyn, your life is awesome.

1832
01:25:14.120 --> 01:25:16.487
You have, like, three boats.

1833
01:25:16.560 --> 01:25:19.006
I have four boats.
(LAUGHS) Okay.

1834
01:25:19.560 --> 01:25:24.248
But, no... (SCOFFS)
My life is so not awesome.

1835
01:25:25.240 --> 01:25:27.242
Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?

1836
01:25:27.320 --> 01:25:28.321
Oh, God.

1837
01:25:29.200 --> 01:25:30.690
Okay, well,

1838
01:25:31.520 --> 01:25:33.249
for starters...
(SNIFFLES)

1839
01:25:33.320 --> 01:25:36.085
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling

1840
01:25:36.160 --> 01:25:38.481
$100 million from a children's charity.

1841
01:25:39.680 --> 01:25:41.921
(VOICE BREAKING)
And I have night terrors.

1842
01:25:42.000 --> 01:25:46.050
And I have to take
Vicodin every 20 minutes,
and I'm not even in any pain.

1843
01:25:46.480 --> 01:25:48.528
I'm just addicted to them now.

1844
01:25:48.600 --> 01:25:49.761
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law

1845
01:25:49.840 --> 01:25:52.241
just joined ISIS, and he's a Jew!

1846
01:25:52.960 --> 01:25:56.885
Oh, and also, my DVR
just stopped recording
Castle.

1847
01:25:56.960 --> 01:25:58.246
Just out of nowhere.

1848
01:25:58.320 --> 01:26:01.210
Like, how the fuck does that even happen?

1849
01:26:01.280 --> 01:26:03.851
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,

1850
01:26:03.920 --> 01:26:07.641
so, yeah, it's awesome.

1851
01:26:08.720 --> 01:26:10.051
It's just awesome.

1852
01:26:10.360 --> 01:26:11.361
Wow.

1853
01:26:11.440 --> 01:26:14.410
I had no idea.
Yeah.

1854
01:26:15.440 --> 01:26:18.250
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.

1855
01:26:24.080 --> 01:26:25.286
Hey,

1856
01:26:25.360 --> 01:26:27.966
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.

1857
01:26:28.640 --> 01:26:31.849
I promise you I will
get her back on
the soccer team, all right?

1858
01:26:34.440 --> 01:26:37.410
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.

1859
01:26:38.200 --> 01:26:39.884
Yeah.
Even for me.

1860
01:26:40.440 --> 01:26:42.681
Listen, we're all bad moms, right?

1861
01:26:42.800 --> 01:26:43.881
Yeah.

1862
01:26:44.880 --> 01:26:46.803
That was
literally the only thing
you said tonight

1863
01:26:46.880 --> 01:26:48.211
that made any fuckin' sense.

1864
01:26:48.280 --> 01:26:49.486
(LAUGHS)

1865
01:26:51.160 --> 01:26:52.161
Bye.

1866
01:27:10.000 --> 01:27:12.367
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?

1867
01:27:12.440 --> 01:27:13.566
Yeah.

1868
01:27:16.360 --> 01:27:17.361
Look, I just wanna say

1869
01:27:17.440 --> 01:27:19.488
I'm really sorry
for how I've been
acting lately.

1870
01:27:19.600 --> 01:27:22.251
Oh, it's fine.
Yeah, it's just
menopause, right?

1871
01:27:22.360 --> 01:27:24.488
(CHUCKLES) No.
It's not menopause.

1872
01:27:24.560 --> 01:27:26.642
And I'm sorry for acting so crazy

1873
01:27:26.760 --> 01:27:27.886
about the whole soccer thing.

1874
01:27:28.560 --> 01:27:30.642
I'm really trying to chill out more.

1875
01:27:30.720 --> 01:27:32.848
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?

1876
01:27:33.480 --> 01:27:35.050
I got you back on the soccer team.

1877
01:27:35.120 --> 01:27:36.849
Shut up!
Shut up.

1878
01:27:36.920 --> 01:27:39.048
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.

1879
01:27:39.120 --> 01:27:40.531
Thank you so much, Mom.
(CHUCKLES)

1880
01:27:41.440 --> 01:27:42.930
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.

1881
01:27:43.520 --> 01:27:45.841
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.

1882
01:27:45.920 --> 01:27:47.490
You're amazing kids.

1883
01:27:48.240 --> 01:27:51.289
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.

1884
01:27:52.200 --> 01:27:53.201
Oh.

1885
01:27:53.640 --> 01:27:54.926
My babies.

1886
01:27:55.040 --> 01:27:56.041
(OVEN DINGS)
Oh...

1887
01:27:56.120 --> 01:27:57.645
I almost forgot!
Where is he going?

1888
01:27:58.440 --> 01:27:59.646
Why is he touching the oven?

1889
01:28:02.640 --> 01:28:04.210
DYLAN: I made a frittata.

1890
01:28:04.840 --> 01:28:08.401
Did you just say "frittata"?

1891
01:28:08.480 --> 01:28:10.005
You said you weren't
gonna cook for us
anymore,

1892
01:28:10.080 --> 01:28:11.809
so I taught myself how to cook.

1893
01:28:12.800 --> 01:28:16.282
Oh, honey, I'm so
proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.

1894
01:28:16.360 --> 01:28:18.169
I love you.
Okay, okay,
all right, all right.

1895
01:28:18.240 --> 01:28:19.651
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

1896
01:28:19.720 --> 01:28:20.721
All right, okay, let go.

1897
01:28:20.840 --> 01:28:22.604
Okay.
I gotta go
do my homework.

1898
01:28:24.360 --> 01:28:25.600
Who are you?

1899
01:28:25.680 --> 01:28:26.681
(SONG PLAYING)

1900
01:28:28.920 --> 01:28:30.684
I said, "You're holding back"

1901
01:28:30.760 --> 01:28:33.366
She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!"

1902
01:28:33.440 --> 01:28:36.011
This woman is my destiny

1903
01:28:36.200 --> 01:28:40.888
She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me!"

1904
01:28:41.200 --> 01:28:42.850
(LAUGHS)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

1905
01:28:43.480 --> 01:28:45.960
Oh, hold on.
Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.

1906
01:28:46.840 --> 01:28:48.444
Hello, this is Amy.

1907
01:28:48.520 --> 01:28:49.646
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

1908
01:28:50.160 --> 01:28:52.606
The company is
falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?

1909
01:28:52.960 --> 01:28:54.769
I will give you whatever you want.

1910
01:28:55.240 --> 01:28:56.924
Whatever?
Whatever I want?

1911
01:28:57.000 --> 01:28:58.411
Yes! Yes! Anything.

1912
01:28:58.920 --> 01:29:03.084
Okay, um, well, I wanna double my pay.

1913
01:29:03.760 --> 01:29:07.606
I wanna work from home two days a week.

1914
01:29:07.880 --> 01:29:12.329
Oh, and I wanna hire
three women over
the age of 12

1915
01:29:12.400 --> 01:29:13.765
to fill out my team.

1916
01:29:13.840 --> 01:29:16.207
Okay, okay, fine.
Anything you want.
Can you start today?

1917
01:29:16.280 --> 01:29:18.169
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.

1918
01:29:18.240 --> 01:29:20.561
I'll start sometime
next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

1919
01:29:22.480 --> 01:29:23.481
(SCREAMS)

1920
01:29:33.960 --> 01:29:35.041
Come here.
Love you.

1921
01:29:35.760 --> 01:29:37.000
Great day at school.
Love you, Mom.

1922
01:29:37.080 --> 01:29:39.401
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?

1923
01:29:39.480 --> 01:29:40.925
Okay.
Be amazing. Be awesome.

1924
01:29:41.840 --> 01:29:42.921
Love you!

1925
01:29:44.440 --> 01:29:45.487
(SIGHS)

1926
01:29:48.200 --> 01:29:49.611
When did they get so big?

1927
01:29:50.720 --> 01:29:51.846
I don't know.

1928
01:29:54.520 --> 01:29:57.000
Hey, what would happen
if I came over
Friday night,

1929
01:29:57.120 --> 01:29:58.326
brought a great bottle of wine,

1930
01:29:58.400 --> 01:29:59.686
you know, made you a nice dinner,

1931
01:29:59.760 --> 01:30:02.161
maybe ran you a hot bath
and someone just
took care of you...

1932
01:30:02.240 --> 01:30:04.322
I love you.
...for a change?

1933
01:30:04.400 --> 01:30:05.970
What did you just say?
What?

1934
01:30:06.040 --> 01:30:07.530
What was that?
I said nothing.

1935
01:30:07.600 --> 01:30:09.921
You said nothing.
I meant to say that I...

1936
01:30:10.000 --> 01:30:12.207
God, I would love that.
I would love that.

1937
01:30:12.480 --> 01:30:13.845
Great.
Yeah.

1938
01:30:15.320 --> 01:30:16.924
I'll see you Friday.
Okay.

1939
01:30:24.320 --> 01:30:26.891
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?

1940
01:30:28.720 --> 01:30:29.881
VICKY: Hey, how's it going?

1941
01:30:29.960 --> 01:30:31.928
I'm doing amazing.

1942
01:30:32.760 --> 01:30:36.446
I slept in late,
skipped my workout,
had, like, four donuts.

1943
01:30:36.520 --> 01:30:37.646
I told these kids,

1944
01:30:37.720 --> 01:30:39.722
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."

1945
01:30:39.800 --> 01:30:42.610
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me
this morning.

1946
01:30:42.960 --> 01:30:44.883
Oh.
I've never felt better.

1947
01:30:45.080 --> 01:30:46.081
Wow.

1948
01:30:46.160 --> 01:30:47.321
Yeah.

1949
01:30:55.160 --> 01:30:56.161
Hi!

1950
01:30:57.280 --> 01:30:59.009
Did you remember Maddie's backpack?

1951
01:30:59.760 --> 01:31:00.841
(SIGHS)

1952
01:31:01.160 --> 01:31:03.640
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.

1953
01:31:03.720 --> 01:31:05.643
Okay, well,
let's go get it, dude.
Right?

1954
01:31:05.720 --> 01:31:06.721
Chop-chop.

1955
01:31:06.800 --> 01:31:08.450
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.

1956
01:31:08.520 --> 01:31:09.851
It's not gonna grab itself.

1957
01:31:14.720 --> 01:31:15.846
Hey, Jackson.

1958
01:31:17.200 --> 01:31:18.611
I, uh...

1959
01:31:18.680 --> 01:31:20.728
I made you lunch today.

1960
01:31:20.800 --> 01:31:22.848
It's a hummus wrap with some kale.

1961
01:31:23.080 --> 01:31:24.081
Gross!

1962
01:31:24.160 --> 01:31:25.446
Yeah, I know,
it sounds totally disgusting,

1963
01:31:25.520 --> 01:31:28.410
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...

1964
01:31:28.480 --> 01:31:30.005
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.

1965
01:31:30.120 --> 01:31:33.283
For real?
I'm gonna stay
the whole stupid game.

1966
01:31:33.520 --> 01:31:34.521
Mmm-hmm.

1967
01:31:34.920 --> 01:31:36.160
Because...

1968
01:31:38.320 --> 01:31:39.526
I love you.

1969
01:31:40.760 --> 01:31:41.886
And stuff.

1970
01:31:44.120 --> 01:31:45.121
CARLA: Oh.

1971
01:31:58.480 --> 01:31:59.481
(SIGHS)

1972
01:31:59.560 --> 01:32:02.166
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.

1973
01:32:02.760 --> 01:32:05.570
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?

1974
01:32:05.640 --> 01:32:06.846
What should we do today?

1975
01:32:06.920 --> 01:32:08.365
How about we go to brunch?

1976
01:32:08.480 --> 01:32:09.481
Mmm.

1977
01:32:09.560 --> 01:32:10.800
Oh, how about we go to Color Me Mine

1978
01:32:10.920 --> 01:32:12.331
and make each other salad bowls?

1979
01:32:12.400 --> 01:32:13.640
I love it.
Oh, I got an idea.

1980
01:32:13.720 --> 01:32:15.722
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?

1981
01:32:16.320 --> 01:32:18.891
Hey, bitches! Get in.

1982
01:32:31.240 --> 01:32:32.446
Wait.

1983
01:32:33.240 --> 01:32:36.050
Holy shit.
Wait. Wait.
Wait. Is that...

1984
01:32:36.560 --> 01:32:38.847
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,

1985
01:32:38.920 --> 01:32:40.922
so where do you guys wanna go, huh?

1986
01:32:43.280 --> 01:32:45.521
You know what?
Gwendolyn's starting
to grow on me, guys.

1987
01:32:45.600 --> 01:32:47.967
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I think she's
a really good person.

1988
01:32:48.080 --> 01:32:49.570
Come on, come on!
Very generous.

1989
01:32:49.960 --> 01:32:51.325
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

1990
01:33:05.400 --> 01:33:08.643
My role as a mother
was so hit-and-miss.
(LAUGHS)

1991
01:33:09.520 --> 01:33:12.808
I was a little looser,
but too loose
in many ways.

1992
01:33:12.880 --> 01:33:14.166
I would give her whiskey.

1993
01:33:14.800 --> 01:33:15.801
(LAUGHS)

1994
01:33:16.240 --> 01:33:18.766
We left the country
when she was
seven years old.

1995
01:33:18.840 --> 01:33:22.481
My mom kept telling me
that we were
moving up the street.

1996
01:33:22.800 --> 01:33:24.564
And then we flew to L.A.

1997
01:33:24.640 --> 01:33:26.130
My mother's a filthy liar.

1998
01:33:26.440 --> 01:33:27.680
When I went into labor and stuff,

1999
01:33:27.760 --> 01:33:29.489
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.

2000
01:33:29.560 --> 01:33:31.210
I just asked for Demerol.

2001
01:33:31.280 --> 01:33:32.611
(LAUGHING)

2002
01:33:32.680 --> 01:33:34.648
I heard someone calling my name.

2003
01:33:34.720 --> 01:33:36.165
"Please come to
the service desk."

2004
01:33:36.240 --> 01:33:37.241
I thought,
"What's that?"

2005
01:33:37.320 --> 01:33:38.810
And I looked around,
there was no Kathryn.
(GASPS)

2006
01:33:39.480 --> 01:33:41.403
She was three years old.
(LAUGHING)
I was three years old.

2007
01:33:41.480 --> 01:33:44.086
I'm thinking, oh, my God, that was bad!

2008
01:33:44.160 --> 01:33:45.844
When I was nine years old,

2009
01:33:46.480 --> 01:33:49.404
um, my mom
took me to see Cruising
in the theaters

2010
01:33:49.920 --> 01:33:52.287
because she loved Al Pacino.
I loved Al Pacino.

2011
01:33:52.360 --> 01:33:54.283
Cruising is a movie about a man

2012
01:33:54.360 --> 01:33:57.728
investigating the
underworld of
S&M gay clubs

2013
01:33:58.080 --> 01:34:00.970
because there was
a man murdering men
after raping them.

2014
01:34:01.040 --> 01:34:02.565
Al Pacino.

2015
01:34:02.640 --> 01:34:05.007
You do stupid things as a parent

2016
01:34:05.080 --> 01:34:06.525
and you're like,
"Oh, they're fine,
they're fine,"

2017
01:34:06.600 --> 01:34:07.840
and then you're in the hospital.

2018
01:34:07.920 --> 01:34:10.571
Yeah, of course
you lie to your kids,
of course you do,

2019
01:34:10.640 --> 01:34:12.688
and you go
through their things.
You have to.

2020
01:34:12.760 --> 01:34:14.125
You go through my things?

2021
01:34:14.200 --> 01:34:16.726
Sometimes you have to make people happy,

2022
01:34:16.800 --> 01:34:18.643
to lie a little bit.
You know?

2023
01:34:18.760 --> 01:34:21.081
Easter Bunny.
Tooth Fairy.
(CHUCKLES)

2024
01:34:21.160 --> 01:34:23.128
Food out for Santa Claus.

2025
01:34:23.200 --> 01:34:24.770
You had me clean the fireplace that year.

2026
01:34:24.840 --> 01:34:26.251
Yeah, well, that was a good idea anyway.

2027
01:34:26.320 --> 01:34:27.731
Like a chimney sweep.

2028
01:34:27.840 --> 01:34:30.491
I would just be all, you know, upset

2029
01:34:30.600 --> 01:34:33.206
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.

2030
01:34:33.280 --> 01:34:36.011
You know,
I was so angry one day,
and I said to her,

2031
01:34:36.080 --> 01:34:38.606
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."

2032
01:34:38.680 --> 01:34:40.489
You told me to fuck off.
(SNORTS)

2033
01:34:40.560 --> 01:34:42.847
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."

2034
01:34:42.920 --> 01:34:44.649
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.

2035
01:34:44.720 --> 01:34:46.643
"I don't like you,
and the dog
doesn't like you."

2036
01:34:46.720 --> 01:34:47.721
(LAUGHING)

2037
01:34:47.880 --> 01:34:49.689
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

2038
01:34:50.400 --> 01:34:53.324
I just really didn't have a clue about...

2039
01:34:53.400 --> 01:34:55.482
You were perfect.
(LAUGHS)

2040
01:34:55.560 --> 01:34:56.925
Yeah, it kind of worked out for her.

2041
01:34:57.000 --> 01:34:59.048
It worked out perfectly.

2042
01:34:59.120 --> 01:35:00.565
I had the best childhood.

2043
01:35:00.680 --> 01:35:02.364
I loved my childhood.

2044
01:35:02.440 --> 01:35:04.124
I had a very happy childhood.

2045
01:35:04.200 --> 01:35:05.565
And we would have the best days.

2046
01:35:05.640 --> 01:35:07.847
Yeah, it was absolutely like
some of the best
times of my life.

2047
01:35:07.920 --> 01:35:09.285
You were an amazing mom.
(LAUGHING)

2048
01:35:09.360 --> 01:35:11.169
Which is fine.
I feel good.

2049
01:35:11.240 --> 01:35:13.322
It's nuts
being a mom, guys.
(BLOWS NOSE)

2050
01:35:13.560 --> 01:35:16.245
Raising kids is an amazing experience.

2051
01:35:16.320 --> 01:35:20.450
I did some mistakes,
but the end,
I can see it's not as bad.

2052
01:35:21.080 --> 01:35:23.208
They survived.
In spite of us.

2053
01:35:23.320 --> 01:35:25.243
Now, thank goodness...
(LAUGHS)

2054
01:35:25.320 --> 01:35:29.644
You know, she turned out
to be the wonderful
woman that she is.

2055
01:35:29.720 --> 01:35:31.131
I think she's perfect.

2056
01:35:32.120 --> 01:35:35.681
The love that you had
when that kid was born,

2057
01:35:35.760 --> 01:35:37.808
that you didn't have...
(SNIFFLES)

2058
01:35:37.960 --> 01:35:39.644
It is a miracle.

2059
01:35:39.720 --> 01:35:42.246
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,

2060
01:35:42.320 --> 01:35:44.209
and I'm really proud of just her.

2061
01:35:44.960 --> 01:35:46.041
Mom.
Yeah.

2062
01:35:46.120 --> 01:35:48.691
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.

2063
01:35:48.960 --> 01:35:50.246
Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.

2064
01:35:50.320 --> 01:35:52.402
So I think
she's the best mom
in the world,

2065
01:35:52.480 --> 01:35:55.723
and I go, "I wish,
you know, I'd been
more like that."

2066
01:35:55.800 --> 01:35:56.801
Oh.

2067
01:35:56.880 --> 01:35:58.006
I love you.
I love you, hon.

2068
01:35:58.080 --> 01:35:59.127
I love you, Mommy.

2069
01:36:01.520 --> 01:36:02.521
(LAUGHING)

2070
01:36:02.600 --> 01:36:03.601
Aw.

2071
01:36:03.680 --> 01:36:05.364
You said it would be fun, Kathryn.

2072
01:36:05.800 --> 01:36:06.847
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

2073
01:36:06.920 --> 01:36:07.967
Don't touch my makeup.

2074
01:36:08.040 --> 01:36:09.371
See this shit?
(LAUGHING)

2074
01:36:10.305 --> 01:36:16.323
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