1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:07,234
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

2
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,990
<i># Christmas #</i>

3
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,597
<i># Well, it's Christmas time, pretty baby #</i>

4
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:17,831
<i># And the snow is falling on the ground #</i>

5
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:22,199
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:26,593
<i># Well, it's Christmas time, pretty baby #</i>

7
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:28,558
<i># And the snow is on the ground #</i>

8
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:33,032
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

9
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,114
<i># Well, you be a real good little girl #</i>

10
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,317
<i># Santa Claus is back in town #</i>

11
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:44,555
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

12
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,429
<i># Got no sleigh with reindeer</i>
<i>No sack on my back #</i>

13
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,110
<i># You're gonna see me comin'</i>
<i>In a big black Cadillac #</i>

14
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,870
<i># Whoa, it's Christmas time, pretty baby #</i>

15
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,270
<i># And the snow is falling on the ground #</i>

16
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,559
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

17
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:10,160
<i># Well, you be a real good little baby</i>
<i>Santa Claus is back in town #</i>

18
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,515
<i># Christmas #</i>

19
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,592
What the fuck?

20
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,717
<i># Hang up your pretty stockings</i>
<i>And turn off the light #</i>

21
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,354
<i># Down your chimney tonight</i>
<i>Ooh #</i>

22
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,154
You think I want this piece of shit?
Fuck you!

23
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,438
<i># And the snow is falling on the ground #</i>

24
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,957
<i>- # Well, you be a real good little baby #</i>
- Hey, hey, hey!

25
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,759
- Get away!
- Fuck you!

26
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,513
Horny drunk!

27
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:46,995
<i># Christmas, Christmas, Christmas #</i>

28
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:51,632
<i># Christmas, Christmas #</i>

29
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,200
<i>Let's just say my whole life</i>

30
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,956
<i>has been one long fucking</i>
<i>miserable nightmare most of the time.</i>

31
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,475
<i>And pure shit on a good day.</i>

32
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:00,914
Goddamn it.

33
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,038
<i>Yeah, I guess there have been</i>
<i>a few dull bright spots here and there.</i>

34
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:05,110
Fuck it.

35
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,873
<i>Like a piece of ass</i>
<i>who didn't look me in the eye</i>

36
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,600
<i>or wanna show me pictures</i>
<i>of her fucking vacation.</i>

37
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:13,071
<i>Or a good drunk</i>
<i>when I didn't choke on my own vomit.</i>

38
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,720
- Ah!
<i>- I even almost had a friend once.</i>

39
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,315
<i>Sure, he was a mouth-breathing,</i>
<i>snot dripping 8-year-old</i>

40
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,631
<i>who couldn't find his fat ass</i>
<i>with both hands,</i>

41
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,234
<i>but he was clueless enough to think</i>

42
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,950
<i>I wasn't the worthless piece of shit</i>
<i>everybody else thinks I am.</i>

43
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,355
<i>Including me.</i>

44
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:33,557
<i>I also found what was the closest thing</i>
<i>I ever had to an actual girlfriend.</i>

45
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:38,351
<i>She liked the job I had at the time,</i>
<i>especially while I was in uniform.</i>

46
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,274
<i>Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?</i>

47
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,396
<i>But, you see...</i>

48
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,915
<i>...you can only puke in somebody's lap</i>
<i>so many times</i>

49
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,231
<i>before the romance takes a shit.</i>

50
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,837
<i>And the kid,</i>
<i>he still creeps around every now and then</i>

51
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,354
<i>and I still chase him off.</i>

52
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,193
<i>For his own good.</i>

53
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,591
<i>So you see, happy endings are bullshit.</i>

54
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,514
<i>Actually, there aren't such things</i>
<i>as endings at all,</i>

55
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,398
<i>because when some shit gets over with,</i>

56
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,439
<i>some other whole thing starts</i>
<i>that sucks ass.</i>

57
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,639
<i>Merry fucking Christmas.</i>

58
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:23,158
<i># Oh, there's no place like home</i>
<i>For the holidays #</i>

59
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,712
<i># 'Cause no matter how far away you roam #</i>

60
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:36,836
<i># When you pine for the sunshine</i>
<i>Of a friendly gaze #</i>

61
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,591
<i># For the holidays</i>
<i>You can't beat home sweet home #</i>

62
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:49,714
<i># I met a man who lives in Tennessee #</i>

63
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:54,750
<i># And he was headin' for Pennsylvania #</i>

64
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:58,396
<i># And some homemade pumpkin pie #</i>

65
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,752
<i># From Pennsylvania folks are trav'ling #</i>

66
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,800
<i># Down to Dixie's sunny shore #</i>

67
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,669
<i># From Atlantic to Pacific #</i>

68
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,958
<i># Gee, the traffic is terrific #</i>

69
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,919
Goddamn it.

70
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:24,473
<i># Oh, there's no place like home</i>
<i>For the holidays #</i>

71
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,758
<i># For the holidays #</i>

72
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,154
<i># You can't beat home sweet home #</i>

73
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,236
Willie?

74
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,837
Willie? It's me, Thurman.

75
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:54,312
Willie, what are you doing?
Did you get yourself stuck up there?

76
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:02,080
Okay, I'll go. But this package
came to my house for you, Willie.

77
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,800
There's a lot of money in it. And a phone.

78
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:05,950
And a note.

79
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,070
What? Chair!

80
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,437
- Chair?
- Chair!

81
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,190
Chair.

82
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,320
Give me the goddamn chair.

83
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,711
Willie, you fell.

84
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,674
Goddamn. Are you
a complete fucking retard?

85
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,674
No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me.
I'm top of the spectrum.

86
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,911
So they made me
a full-time sandwich consultant.

87
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,516
- Well, I'm glad you followed your passion.
- What's that smell?

88
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,119
Is the oven on?
Are you making Hot Pockets?

89
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,317
We do hot sandwiches
at Hungry Hoagies now.

90
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,631
But I always burn my hand
getting them out of oven.

91
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,952
Darlene says I should put butter
on my hand, but that's stupid.

92
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:51,192
We only put butter on food.
Hand isn't food.

93
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,754
<i># Merry Merry Christmas #</i>

94
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,711
<i># Christmas everywhere #</i>

95
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,192
<i># Merry Merry Christmas #</i>

96
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,351
I know we left on bad terms.

97
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,035
But you gotta understand,
it was only business.

98
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,349
We were partners.

99
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,000
And I broke that sacred bond.
It's not an excuse.

100
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,958
But Lois got all up in my kitchen.

101
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,716
Crazy bitch had me all turned around
with her magical Laotian pussy.

102
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,953
- Don't blame it on the snapper.
- I was pussy-blind. I'm ashamed.

103
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,078
You tried to murder me, you little prick.
Remember that?

104
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,356
And not with some little nubbin-dick gun,

105
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,671
but with adult man-sized bullets.

106
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,390
- And now I'm here to make it up to you.
- Why are you even out of the joint anyway?

107
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,996
Some pity case
on account of you're a genetic defect?

108
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,675
You know, they used to
sterilize guys like you.

109
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,753
Keep the world from becoming
some Negro Land of Oz.

110
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,032
Shut the fuck up!
Early release. Overcrowding.

111
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,998
Well, it must've been packed to the gills

112
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,595
if they couldn't cram
your three-foot ass in there.

113
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,680
We got a job, Willie. That two grand
is just to show I'm serious.

114
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,035
Can you still crack a safe?

115
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,351
Or did you get carpal tunnel
from jacking off?

116
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,315
- I can crack just fine, thanks.
- I'm talking millions this time.

117
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,552
- Where at?
- Chi-Town.

118
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,552
I thought you were all done
with the gooks.

119
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,234
Chicago, you racist moron fuck!

120
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,233
I got an associate out there
who has got this thing all lined up.

121
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,438
- What associate?
- I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet.

122
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,079
But they know your work.

123
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,074
And they want to bring us in and put us up
in some fine-ass metropolitan digs

124
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,640
and finance the whole operation.

125
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,318
You're outta your fucking skull.

126
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,517
What are you gonna do?
Try and kill yourself again?

127
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,910
That's none of your
goddamn business what I do.

128
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,878
Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

129
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,794
Or I won't let it hit me in the ass.
Whatever the fuck it is.

130
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,111
Did you even score once while I was away?

131
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,831
I'm talking two mil here.

132
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,355
That's a lot of fat-ass bitches
and whiskey.

133
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,315
Fuck you.

134
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,960
Why do you have to go so soon?
We just got back together.

135
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,032
Cut that shit out.
We're not back together.

136
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,435
Guess you don't know what today is.

137
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,592
I don't even know
what fucking year it is, kid.

138
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,558
It's my birthday.

139
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,075
- Today is your fucking birthday?
- Uh-huh.

140
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,231
I'm 21. Officially a man.

141
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,200
Goddamn. You're 21 already. That's creepy.

142
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,432
- Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
- Am I gonna what?

143
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:14,755
No! Fuck no!

144
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,354
But you said that when I was 21
that you'd pop my cherry.

145
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,353
I said I'd get it done by somebody else.

146
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,070
Besides that, I'm a fucking guy.
You didn't turn funny, did you?

147
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,473
Am I funny?

148
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,476
So you haven't done it with anybody yet.

149
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,837
Not a man or a woman
or an animal or anything.

150
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,559
No, I waited for you.

151
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:41,396
- But surely, you jerked off or...
- You mean masturbate, don't you?

152
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,200
Well, if you wanna be scientific,
yeah, I guess so.

153
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,636
My friend Ronnie says, it's when you play
with your wiener and think about your mother.

154
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,114
I did it once, but it felt weird.

155
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,432
She's in heaven with God,
you know. Watching me.

156
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:02,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

157
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:08,153
Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.
He's already asked me where his cherry is.

158
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,675
So you could tell him
to put his dick in your purse

159
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,717
and he wouldn't know
any fucking difference.

160
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,871
It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks
you ever made.

161
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,634
Twenty bucks?

162
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,712
You must be high
on some strong shit, Willie.

163
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:23,111
A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass
outta this old piece of a room right now.

164
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,635
All right.
Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.

165
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:27,830
Sixty.

166
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:29,630
All right.

167
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,315
And nothing up my ass.
You done took all that, Willie.

168
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,436
Okay.

169
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,433
Well, let's get to it.
I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.

170
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,910
- Can I fix you a sandwich?
- No.

171
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,834
- I got your sandwich, baby.
- Willie, I made you a sandwich.

172
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,833
I ain't sticking around.
Just give it to Opal after.

173
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,400
Now, listen, here's how it works.

174
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,672
She's gonna pull her rig off.
And she's gonna get on all fours.

175
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,992
Now, you stand behind her
and drop your rig.

176
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,835
Then, you're gonna see something that
looks like some kind of Japanese food.

177
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,992
It ain't, so don't eat it.
That's the bulls-eye.

178
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,760
Then you just start tugging
on your little soldier.

179
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,400
Wait till he gets to attention,
then poke him in there.

180
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,040
Keep poking it in there till he spits up.

181
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:09,270
You're gonna need a raincoat.

182
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,716
She'll have one,
so don't worry about that.

183
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:15,231
As soon as you're done,
run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.

184
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,677
That way, you don't wake up wondering
why you got oatmeal in your carpet.

185
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,195
Breathe through your mouth
so that you don't puke.

186
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,876
Shouldn't be a problem for you.
You got it?

187
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,395
- You got 60 bucks?
- No.

188
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,318
- What you got?
- I have $20.

189
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,760
Keep it down.

190
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,156
- I have 20.
- Give it to her after.

191
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,877
- Later, Opal.
- Mm-hmm.

192
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,679
Come on, baby. Come on.

193
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,958
Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.

194
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,595
Damn it, Willie. Hurry up!
We're gonna miss our train.

195
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,036
You see me walking backwards, asshole?
I'm coming.

196
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,435
Kid, get over here
and take your pants off.

197
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,273
No!

198
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,675
Ah, fuck.

199
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,151
<i># Sleigh bells ring</i>
<i>Are you listening? #</i>

200
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:08,029
<i># In the lane snow is glistening #</i>

201
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,319
<i># A beautiful sight</i>
<i>We're happy tonight #</i>

202
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,512
<i># Walking in a winter wonderland #</i>

203
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:22,234
<i># Gone away is the bluebird</i>
<i>In his place is a new bird #</i>

204
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,232
Here's your ID.

205
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,232
- "Randall Cook"?
- What the fuck wrong with that?

206
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,516
Randall sounds Irish.
I want something whiter.

207
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,593
I'm Davis, you're Cook.
End of fucking story.

208
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,593
You got one job this time. Open a safe.

209
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,435
Till then, just keep your drunken
deviant fucking mouth shut.

210
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,076
You know what you need?
You need some pussy.

211
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,550
I'll see if I can find you
a cat somewhere.

212
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,279
Put that shit away.

213
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,680
"Giving City Foundation.

214
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,320
Bringing food and shelter
to those in need."

215
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,915
Hold the fucking phone.

216
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,710
I traveled all the way across the country
to rob a goddamn charity?

217
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,439
Why? You got a problem with that?

218
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,591
Yeah, you damn right
I got a problem with it.

219
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,557
No way these assholes
have 2 million bucks.

220
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,280
Will you keep it down, man. Moron.

221
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,196
I don't know.

222
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,276
- I see they made you some chairs already.
- Fuck you.

223
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,034
He's Cook. I'm Davis.
We're here for the orientation.

224
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,158
Empty your pockets.
Place any metal items in the tray.

225
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,196
What's that?

226
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,272
- Cough medicine.
- Let me see that.

227
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,277
That's a level three contraband.
I'm gonna have to compensate that.

228
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,874
The fuck you are.

229
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,795
All right, big shot.
You can stay out here with your GD flask.

230
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,918
- We'll get it on the way out.
- Gina!

231
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,832
Show these boys to the line-up.
They're late.

232
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,276
Meeting started ten minutes ago.

233
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,750
But I think I can sneak you guys in.
Come on.

234
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:32,035
- Hey, Diane! I got two more.
- Come on in, fellas.

235
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,589
- Goddamn.
- That's Diane Hastings.

236
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,160
She and her husband run the joint.

237
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,471
So like I was saying,
finish filling out these forms

238
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,359
and you can drop them off
at the front desk, please.

239
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,239
And then, you can go to the common room
and pick up your uniforms.

240
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,074
I bet that pussy got lips
like an orangutan.

241
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,760
- Excuse me, Mr...
- Um, Cook. Randall Cook.

242
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,719
- What's up?
- Have you been drinking?

243
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,480
Uh, I don't know. Some vodka...

244
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,758
Because we don't allow alcohol
or drugs of any kind at Giving City.

245
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:03,910
Why's that?

246
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:08,392
You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook,
but we're a charity.

247
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,437
When you walk out those doors,
you're representing us.

248
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,434
- So please try and make us look good.
- Oh, we'll make you look great.

249
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,591
- Promise.
- Yeah.

250
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,155
Mmm.

251
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:21,670
A hard-on?

252
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,114
You sick fuck.

253
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,237
I'm the one that's been in prison
for ten years.

254
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,755
It's just a semi.
Don't get all bent out of shape.

255
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,399
Shut the fuck up.

256
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,278
Ho, ho, ho. What's up, Santas?

257
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:32,760
Hey, don't forget to remind people,

258
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,230
if they don't have cash,
they can always text in their donation.

259
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,357
Give me some. Yeah.

260
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,676
Hey, Di. Is it the midget
that's fully proportional?

261
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,194
- Or is it the dwarf?
- Regent.

262
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,396
- What?
- You can't say that word.

263
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,472
Hey, I'm gonna be home late again tonight.

264
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,517
End-of-the-year accounting stuff.

265
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,319
See you, babe.

266
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,759
Thank you for helping us out again.

267
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,672
Goddamn it.

268
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,399
Sir? This way, please.

269
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,790
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
Don't be touching me.

270
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,349
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, whatever.

271
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,760
Lying little fuck.

272
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,355
You didn't tell me I'd have to get
in the fucking suit again.

273
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,275
I thought it would be a bonus.
And I just wanna remind you of something.

274
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,717
It's Christmas.
A time for forgiveness. For family.

275
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,553
I'm gonna remind you to fuck yourself.

276
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,354
Ronald Davis.
I was told you have a suit to fit me.

277
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,433
Oh, yes. I have it right here.

278
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,440
No. I need a Santa suit.
This is an elf suit.

279
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,113
I'm supposed to be a Santa.

280
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,750
Oh, sorry about the confusion.
That's all we have in your size.

281
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:35,189
Uh, I do have a gingerbread man costume
in a child's large, if you prefer.

282
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,760
I guess there is a God.

283
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,718
Step right up. Don't be shy.

284
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,840
Shitstick! What's it been?
Fifteen years? Twen...

285
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:50,400
Well, one thing hasn't changed.
You still hit like your fucking father.

286
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,030
Fucking <i>associate.</i> No goddamn way.

287
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,592
Not working with that poison bitch.
Never again.

288
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,797
You tricked me, you little shithole!

289
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,075
You know fucking well you did.

290
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,391
But I thought your dad
was the one you hated.

291
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,996
I hate him more than anything
in the goddamn world! Except her.

292
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,678
Willie, stop! Willie!

293
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,719
Okay, shitstick, just give me back
the money for the train ticket,

294
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,870
then we're square.

295
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,840
Or you could do your dumbass self a favor,
at least hear me out before you quit.

296
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,400
Boy, you been selling
your blood for booze?

297
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:32,110
You look like a fucking albino scarecrow.

298
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,557
Anyway, still good to see you.

299
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,831
Uh, I can't say I feel the same.

300
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,315
Goddamn, what a shit hole.

301
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,120
- You conned me, you little prick.
- Fuck you!

302
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,079
Make yourselves at home. Bedroom's mine.

303
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,915
That sofa folds out,
so you guys can fight over that.

304
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,832
I got chicken feet in the fridge.

305
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,640
- So that's what smells like nut sack.
- Boy, have a beer.

306
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,596
- I even got minis for the midget.
- Don't you ever fucking call me that.

307
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,230
Hey, listen, little man,
I don't speak politically correct,

308
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,711
so if you got a problem with that,
you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.

309
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,390
Shut the hell up!
Just break it down for him, Sunny.

310
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,790
I'll break it down, all right.

311
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,078
Giving City is a charity
at 98 cents every dollar

312
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,992
goes to this A-hole at the top.

313
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,594
Regent Hastings.

314
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,752
He takes in tens of thousands
in donations,

315
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,400
and he squirrels them away
in an offshore account.

316
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:33,918
- And how are you supposed to get it?
- You mean, how are we supposed to get it?

317
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:38,392
These little buckets here,
they're filled with cash,

318
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:39,994
up to the brim, every day.

319
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:44,512
And then at night, they store that cash
in the safe in Regent's office.

320
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,798
And that's our target. Right here.

321
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,230
Christmas Eve,
they have a big charity concert.

322
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,471
So while the kids and volunteers
are all singing,

323
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,712
the money's just sitting there,
waiting for an armored transfer.

324
00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,192
That's our take window.
Last year, the haul was almost 2 mil.

325
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,637
- And how do you know all this shit?
- Because I work there, dumbass.

326
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,280
It's a part of my release from the joint.
I've been there 3 months.

327
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,636
Just did a little digging,
a little Googling,

328
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,872
a dry hand job to Isaac
in Accounting. Boom.

329
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,872
The concert's in five days.

330
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,794
Meantime, we wear the suit,
hit the pavement,

331
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,951
we ring the bell,
just like the rest of the volunteers.

332
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,315
All right.

333
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,837
Well, it looks to me like you jackals
already got the whole job figured out.

334
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,719
What do you need me for?
You can crack a fucking safe.

335
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,909
Well, I'd like to say
it's because I've missed you, my angel.

336
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,437
But I got a touch of the Parkinson's
and my hearing ain't what it used to be,

337
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,352
so I'm gonna need you on the safe.

338
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,557
Mmm.

339
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,190
And when do you pull your little
Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?

340
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,318
I said I was sorry.
You gotta let that shit go, Willie!

341
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,312
No, I think I'll hang on to it.

342
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,959
Oh, Christ.

343
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,635
If I cut ties with every numbnut
who tried to shoot me,

344
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:51,837
I never would've gotten pregnant with you.

345
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,594
Come on, boy. Be just like old times.

346
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,319
- Old times?
- Mm-hmm.

347
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,871
You mean a living fucking nightmare?
Why didn't you say so? I'm in.

348
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,275
You gotta be shitting me.
Good luck with the shakes.

349
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:09,320
Willie, come on. Just give it a chance.

350
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,315
What, you don't trust your mother?

351
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,790
Yeah, I trust her
about as far as I can throw you.

352
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,190
And I trust you
about as far as I can throw her.

353
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,919
Come on, Willie, I need this.

354
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,550
And I know your sorry ass does too.
Look at you, man.

355
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,799
Okay, if you want me in on this,
it's you and me against her.

356
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,314
You got it?

357
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,837
She don't get a fucking nickel
of what's in that safe. Get me?

358
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,516
- We'll cut her out after the grab.
- Damn right.

359
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:05,437
I knew you couldn't stay away.
You always were your mama's boy.

360
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,115
You just pipe down
about the family stuff, okay?

361
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,510
I'm in this for the dough, period.
You get me?

362
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,320
Well, it's starting to feel
like Christmas.

363
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,036
Spare some change.

364
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,919
Think about somebody
besides your fucking selves.

365
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,640
We gotta get eyes on that safe.
Need to know the make.

366
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,280
Now you're asking
the right questions, shitstick.

367
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,397
The trash chute's the best way in.

368
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,153
I'm gonna need a hand
getting into position.

369
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,914
Recon. Good. We'll go tonight.

370
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,231
Look at those cheeks!

371
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,269
That's the ugliest fucking baby
on the planet.

372
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,000
I guess the abortion didn't take.

373
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,472
Well, bless your heart.
Cheap little fucker.

374
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,517
Fucking dimes? Are you shitting me?

375
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,633
- This ain't no strip joint.
- What a fucking Sokes family.

376
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,315
This is what happens
when you screw your cousins.

377
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,511
I taught this muskrat everything he knows.

378
00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,389
- Well, you don't know shit, then, do you?
- Hey, listen, before we had midget...

379
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,313
Excuse me... little people, we had Willie.

380
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,632
He was my original elf.
Remember those times, Willie?

381
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,996
There ain't enough booze to forget it.

382
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,318
Well, he'd get panic attacks.
It was embarrassing.

383
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,155
I had to make him stay outside
when I was turning a trick or bowling.

384
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,074
Wait a fucking minute,
you were embarrassed?

385
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,312
Isn't that kind of like the pot
calling the other cot a fuck kettle,

386
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,119
- or whatever it was?
- What the fuck you say?

387
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,556
He's home-schooled.

388
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,354
I need a refill.

389
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,150
- And another fucking corner.
- Stop it, Willie.

390
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,994
What? We're gonna steal this shit
any fucking way. Who cares?

391
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,879
But if we get fired,
we got no access to the building.

392
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,112
And if we got no access to the building,
we got no access to the safe.

393
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,913
And if we got no access to the safe,

394
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:52,438
there's no reason for me to be standing
out here, freezing my fucking nuts off.

395
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,954
You mean your nuts
haven't been scraped off

396
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,549
because they're so low
to the ground already?

397
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,597
You know every time you're passed out,

398
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,070
I lay them on your forehead
and take a picture of it.

399
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,232
I got a whole Instagram of that shit
of me tea-bagging you.

400
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,836
Four thousand followers and counting,
motherfucker. Ha-ha!

401
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,431
Well, knock yourselves out.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.

402
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,716
Aw, come on,
we're having family time here.

403
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,714
He's always been too goddamn soft.
Probably because he was born early.

404
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,350
Hell, I didn't even know
I'd given birth until I tripped over him.

405
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,837
- Hello.
- Hi, Willie.

406
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,479
Kid, how'd you get my number?

407
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,880
<i>The cherry pop lady gave it to me.</i>

408
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:32,950
Oh, Jesus.

409
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,754
I cleaned your apartment, Willie.
And I fed your insects.

410
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,320
They're getting really big.

411
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,880
<i>Do you want me to get you</i>
<i>a Christmas tree?</i>

412
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,277
- What? Why would I want a tree?
- So we can spend Christmas together.

413
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,999
<i>I'm in fucking Chicago, kid.</i>

414
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,479
So you're not coming back for Christmas?

415
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,759
- No, I'm not coming home for Christmas.
- Chicago's in the Midwest, Willie.

416
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,354
<i>They have Hungry Hoagies there too.</i>

417
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,557
Well, good.
I'll tell them you said hello, okay?

418
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,757
Except I don't know anyone
at that Hungry Hoagies.

419
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,036
All right, listen, you gotta quit
fucking calling me, okay?

420
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,680
- You're burning my minutes.
- But what if it's an emergency?

421
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,877
Fine! If it's an emergency,
call me, all right?

422
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,997
Otherwise, leave me the fuck alone, okay?

423
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,117
Okay. I'll only call if it's an emergency.

424
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:10,319
Bye.

425
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:19,351
<i># It's the most wonderful time</i>
<i>of the year #</i>

426
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,036
Okay, feed the kids. Come on. Give it up.

427
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,271
You've seen them babies with beer bellies.

428
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:29,240
Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus
and the lambikins watching over you,

429
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,232
checking their list twice.

430
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,516
Here you go, lady,
how about a little money?

431
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,677
You know what,
you'd better hope the orphans don't riot.

432
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,638
They'll eat your fat ass
right off the bat.

433
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,758
You know, a lot of these kids
don't got any arms and legs and shit.

434
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,638
You're lucky. See, ma'am?
Yours got all their parts.

435
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,872
- There you go.
- There you go. Thank you. See you later.

436
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,679
- Damn. Mama ain't bad.
- Whoa!

437
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,639
Whoa-ho-ho! My spot.

438
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,399
You are standing on my spot.

439
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,075
Really? That's funny, I don't see
your fucking name on it anywhere.

440
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,356
Well, in fairness,
I did leave it unattended,

441
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,751
but that's only because
I had to run off to the little boys' room.

442
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,718
What are you,
a fucking game show host or something?

443
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,315
- Dial it back a notch.
- But now I am back.

444
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,835
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

445
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,037
'Tis the season of giving!

446
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:15,831
And if you don't have cash,
you can always text XMAS 999...

447
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,197
Bullshit. No fucking way.
Fucking cash only.

448
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:20,634
- Ten dollars or more.
- Okay.

449
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,200
Hundreds are better. What?

450
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,954
I am going to have to ask you
to watch your language

451
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,679
when you're representing the suit.

452
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,639
And I'm going to have to ask you
to suck my fucking dick.

453
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:30,790
I'm warning you.

454
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:35,557
Nothing and no one is getting in the way
of me spreading my joy!

455
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:36,835
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

456
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,116
You know what,
I think you're some kind of pervert

457
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,193
and you're afraid I'm muscling in
on your fucking fondle territory.

458
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:46,194
- That's what I think.
- I see what's going on here. Yes, I see.

459
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,078
- You are hurting inside.
- Is that right?

460
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,197
And there's only one thing
that can change that.

461
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,237
- Yeah? What's that?
- A hug.

462
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,357
- Are you out of your goddamn mind?
- A hug from Santa!

463
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,159
No, I don't need
no fucking hug from Santa.

464
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,630
- Let go of me, motherfucker.
- Melt all that stress away!

465
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,074
Would you cool it, pal?

466
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,117
You're scaring all the kids away.
You know what I mean?

467
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,510
You are a fucking pedophile!

468
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,353
- Let go of me.
- Aw!

469
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,397
Fuck!

470
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,473
- Ooh!
- Fucking asshole!

471
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,200
Fucking shit.

472
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,112
Fucking asshole.

473
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,193
This guy's a pedophiliac, here,
and he's after all your kids.

474
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,999
You better get out of here.

475
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:27,916
You fucking perverted fucking asshole!

476
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:31,119
What the fuck? Hang on a second.

477
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,557
He's the fucking kid diddler, not me.
I'm a hero!

478
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,996
- Sure you won't die up there?
- I've done smaller spaces, trust me.

479
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:47,836
Well, if you don't make it, son,
I got a cigar box, make a nice casket.

480
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,639
Who you calling "son"?

481
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,394
Well, I'm proud to say that my pussy
is color-blind, so you never know.

482
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:53,956
Oh!

483
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,839
Whoa! You go, little sperm.
Get up in there.

484
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,876
Well, you don't see
something like that every day.

485
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,476
Ow! Bottles! Recycle that shit!

486
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:23,077
Oh! What the fuck is tha... Oh, shit! No!

487
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,760
Hey.

488
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,554
I always wanted to fuck me a Santa.

489
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,599
Well, I always wanted to shit
on a tattooed dick

490
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,512
so we're perfect for each other.

491
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,760
- Cook, let's go.
- See you in my dreams, chief.

492
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,680
Thank you.

493
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,151
You're not the first volunteer
to go off the rails.

494
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,994
Lucky for you, Giving City
has a high standing in the community,

495
00:26:58,080 --> 00:26:59,355
so you won't get charged.

496
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,837
You can turn in your suit
when you clean yourself up.

497
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,151
Now, hang on a second. You're firing me?

498
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,516
I rooted out a pervert.

499
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,831
You should be throwing me
a fucking parade.

500
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,992
And we're very grateful.
But you reek of whiskey.

501
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,151
You know the rules
and you're flouting them.

502
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,469
Flouting?

503
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:20,520
I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass.
I mean, with a straw.

504
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,831
I believe that's felching.

505
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,718
Not that I would know.

506
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:30,398
Uh, happy holidays, Mr. Cook.
Consider your freedom a gift from me.

507
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:36,229
Well, hang on a second. Hang on!
I only had one drink.

508
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,631
And that was just to keep warm out there.
I'm freezing my nuts off.

509
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,798
And if we're being honest here,
you, you guys should be supplying us

510
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,190
with some kind of electric underwear
or some shit.

511
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:50,594
Oh, well, if we're being honest,
I don't like being lied to.

512
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,833
- Please. I need this.
- Why do you care so much?

513
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,870
Why do I care? Why do I care.

514
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,400
I'll tell you why I care.
Because the world's a fucking shit hole.

515
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,473
But when I put this suit on,
I feel like...

516
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:12,998
Well, I feel like General MacArthur
must have felt when he put his uniform on

517
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:14,799
and went and killed all them Filipinos.

518
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,833
Look, I, I put up with
a lot of shit from kids...

519
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:23,917
For the kids.
I won't piss on the suit. I really won't.

520
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,232
I mean, give a broke-dick
motherfucker a chance, will you?

521
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:33,271
Fine. I'll give you a second chance.
If you give me a chance to help you.

522
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,280
All right.

523
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,319
How we looking, Alice?

524
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:17,874
Well, according to this report,

525
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,520
Giving City's gonna lose
a record amount of money this year.

526
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,274
Ugh, every time you say that,
my dick gets so hard.

527
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,034
- Okay.
- Hey, why don't we just do it right now.

528
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:27,520
- Come on.
- No.

529
00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,478
I'll up your commission to five percent.

530
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,280
Make it ten, and I'll let you do
that thing with my shoe.

531
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,272
Both shoes. And you have to watch.

532
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,670
Deal.

533
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:42,917
- You can't smoke here, sir.
- So call the fucking law.

534
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,037
And while they're rolling
their fat asses down here,

535
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:47,919
I'll be smoking like an old Buick,
all right?

536
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:53,316
Arrested? Christ! William.

537
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:57,076
- Not arrested. I was detained.
- Yeah. Shot of gin.

538
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:02,480
What were you thinking?
You could have fucked this whole thing up.

539
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,358
- I handled it.
- Mmm.

540
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,477
Told her I'd go to an AA meeting with her.

541
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:11,351
Don't buy their shit, William.
No such thing as an alcoholic.

542
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:13,839
Just a sign of a weak liver.

543
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:16,640
I said I fucking handled it.
What are you, deaf?

544
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,157
Well, you talk like you have a cock
in your mouth, shitstick.

545
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,030
Hey, you know why we call him "shitstick"?

546
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,639
Because even when he was a baby,
he tried to butt-fuck everything.

547
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,992
- Goddamn it.
- Stuffed monkey, neighbor's dog.

548
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,391
I'm telling you,
if it had a butt, he'd try to fuck it.

549
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:36,517
He's with his little nub, going.

550
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,236
Anyway, I think you ought to be working
the sexual angle with her,

551
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,671
because I know for a fact
that that husband isn't getting it done.

552
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,717
That guy never rocked a clit in his life.

553
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,316
And that is one piece of motherly advice
I hope you took to heart.

554
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:56,235
You motorboat that O-button
till she's speaking in tongues.

555
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:02,189
- You know what "son" means, right?
- When did you turn into such a pussy?

556
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,920
- Don't worry, I'm fine.
- I'm not worried.

557
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,913
I just don't want you hacking up
your lung in my drink, okay?

558
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,835
Not a chance.
Nah, this chassis' built to last.

559
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,277
You know,
I smoked two packs of menthols a day,

560
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,477
washed it down with a liter of this gin...

561
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:26,155
And I could still fill that shot glass
with this man's jizz.

562
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:32,000
- I said I don't give a shit, okay?
- Fine. I get it. You're mad at me.

563
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,914
You think I was really ready
to be a mom at 13?

564
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,879
Huh? We were gonna wait
at least another year.

565
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,390
I mean, the one time
your son of a bitch father

566
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,120
didn't put it in my ass,
I had to go and get pregnant.

567
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:46,591
- Shit happens.
- That's fucking beautiful.

568
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:49,400
Look, I'm not gonna pretend
I was a perfect mother.

569
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:50,470
Yeah, no shit.

570
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:54,190
You made me take the fall for you
when I was 11.

571
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,715
Well, there's no sense in us
both going down.

572
00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:01,591
Besides, it made a man of you.
You are who you are because of me.

573
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,990
No, I'm not anything like you.

574
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,756
Yeah?
Well, you keep telling yourself that.

575
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,594
Now where's your fucking midget?
It's getting late.

576
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:17,949
<i># Pop that pussy</i>
<i>Hey, pop that pussy, baby #</i>

577
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,720
What... What is that?

578
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:21,790
Shit!

579
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,270
What, do you have a speaker up there?

580
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,192
Dorfman, get up here.

581
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:32,038
You sure it was a phone ring?
Might have just been the fan turning over.

582
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:36,160
Well, Dorfman, last time I checked,
fans don't "Pop That Pussy."

583
00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:38,471
No, I suppose they don't.

584
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,717
No, I think Diane hired someone
to spy on me.

585
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,918
- Diane? That doesn't sound like her.
- I want you to watch her.

586
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,879
Anything unusual, I wanna know about it.
And cover the whole building.

587
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,156
I'm talking microphones,
cameras, everything.

588
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,278
Copy. Ladies' room
is already taken care of.

589
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:55,997
He's fucking Alice.

590
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,959
- Go figure.
- Why the fuck would you call me?

591
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,151
Well, you're the genius
who left your ringer on.

592
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,631
Because you the only two people I know.
Why would you call?

593
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:08,031
- What's she doing
with that shoe? Oh, God!

594
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,874
He heard a noise in the fucking vent.
What's the big deal?

595
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:14,920
He heard "Pop That Pussy" in the vent,
and that is a big fucking deal.

596
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,150
Think she knows?

597
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,994
- Who?
- You know, the redheaded gal, Diane.

598
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,560
That her husband's
fooling around with the help?

599
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:23,872
I'm saying, do you think she knows
that her fucking husband

600
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,111
is ripping off the goddamn charity?

601
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,840
Who gives a shit?
As long as she doesn't get in the way.

602
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:32,470
- Can you crack the safe?
- Of course I can crack the fucking safe.

603
00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,678
Probably take me about three minutes.
Three and a half tops.

604
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,753
Well, you shave a minute off that,
you may be good for something.

605
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,231
- What about the alarm system?
- It's a Centaur 2100.

606
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:45,757
We power it down,
we have ten minutes before it reboots.

607
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,560
But I'm gonna need a key
to the electrical room to access it.

608
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,599
- It's the only way in.
- Ah, shit, how are we gonna get that?

609
00:33:57,840 --> 00:33:59,320
Don't even think about it, Willie.

610
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,040
That big bitch is mine.

611
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,911
He should show you some respect.

612
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,118
- You're the talent, not him.
- Hey, Randall!

613
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:10,600
Mind giving me a hand over here?

614
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,319
I've gotta get this stuff
to the auditorium.

615
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:16,474
He'd love to, darling.
Strong, strapping man like him.

616
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,916
Clitoris, son. Do it for Mama.

617
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,400
Thanks, Sunny.

618
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,439
She's so sweet. I wish I had
a hundred volunteers like her.

619
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,672
Oh, yeah, she's something.
I'm sure they only made one of her.

620
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:34,914
How you doing, beautiful?

621
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:36,912
- Gina, was it?
- That's right.

622
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:41,870
- Ronald. We haven't officially met.
- Well, hello, Ronald. Officially.

623
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,556
I bet you got no idea
how beautiful you really are.

624
00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,200
I don't know. I think I've got some idea.

625
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,556
- Oh, you do, do you?
- Maybe a little.

626
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,633
I don't mean to be indiscreet,
but I do pretty well.

627
00:34:53,720 --> 00:34:57,031
So if you can't bring your A game,
don't even try.

628
00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,158
Sweetheart, I'm not sure
you could handle my A game.

629
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:02,709
You get one hit of me
and you'll be addicted.

630
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:07,397
- I like your confidence.
- I'd light you up like the Fourth of July.

631
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,996
Look, Ronald,
I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.

632
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,549
I am strictly first-class.

633
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:18,920
I'm talking Chrysler 300,
factory-direct, fully loaded.

634
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,993
And after that... lobster.

635
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,595
Now if you think you can handle that,

636
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:29,232
then maybe, just maybe,
I'll pencil you in.

637
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,277
Bye.

638
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:35,991
<i># Joy to the world, the Lord is come #</i>

639
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,430
Aren't they great?

640
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,359
Regent likes to focus on the business,
but I'm like you.

641
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,716
I am all about those kids
and the Christmas concert.

642
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,473
We all participate.

643
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:50,520
Volunteers, staff.
If you're interested, you could join us.

644
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:52,080
You outta your goddamn mind?

645
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:54,880
I ain't dancing around
with a bunch of candy canes and shit.

646
00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:59,472
Because I'm all about
the birth of Christmas.

647
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:02,473
You know, the wise guys

648
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:06,031
kicked him out of the hotel
and the ejaculate conception

649
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:09,033
and the drummer that didn't have shit
to give him but some perfume...

650
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:14,036
And the King Midas or one of them
threatened to cut the kid in half,

651
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,794
turn him into gold and but, see, I...

652
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:20,590
It's a heavy deal for me.
Pretty damn heavy.

653
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,400
Are you talking about
the true meaning of Christmas?

654
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,074
- Exactly.
- Right.

655
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,311
Don't forget about the meeting
tomorrow night at 7:30.

656
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:33,440
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, it's only scary the first time.

657
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:47,992
- Does this bus go to Chicago?
- No.

658
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:50,675
Son, this bus goes
to the Arrowhead Premium Outlets.

659
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,712
- Is that close to Chicago?
- No.

660
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,917
Okay.

661
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,356
How do I look?

662
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,956
You look like one of those trolls
that gang-fucked Willy Wonka.

663
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,670
Good one, shitstick.

664
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:13,037
Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick it
to this chick tonight?

665
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:14,395
Bitch, let me tell you something.

666
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,713
When I was at the pen,
everyone called me tripod.

667
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:21,918
Well, if your legs are six inches long,

668
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:24,310
that's not that big
of a fucking deal, see.

669
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:27,120
Now, if you're six foot five
and they called you tripod,

670
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,715
then you're talking about something.

671
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:34,352
- Miserable fucks, both of you.
- Mm.

672
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:38,713
- Goddamn, did you eat your own shit?
- No, I've been eating caramels.

673
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:42,271
You know how caramels
make Mama belch. Remember?

674
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:44,477
No. No, I don't.

675
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:46,756
No, come on. You remember.

676
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,639
Look, when you were a baby,

677
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:54,158
I used to chew and feed you caramels,
just like a mama bird does.

678
00:37:54,240 --> 00:38:00,077
I'd chew and chew and chew
till they were all milky.

679
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:01,480
Goddamn.

680
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,758
And then I'd...
spit them right in your little mouth.

681
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,674
And you'd just,
you'd just squint your little...

682
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:11,151
Can't you see I'm trying to eat
a fucking pizza here?

683
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:18,036
I swear to God, a fucking electric oven.

684
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:53,039
Anyway, it took this new set of teeth
to finally see the light.

685
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,953
Jesus, I already need a fucking drink.

686
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:01,316
People ask me if I miss my old teeth.

687
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:06,640
But sometimes, you have to
lose something to gain something.

688
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:14,391
Now, I'm dating again,
and I'm ready to find The One.

689
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,472
Thank you for that, Jason.

690
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:20,759
- With no teeth, he ought to try dudes.
- Terrible.

691
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:22,160
Would anyone else care to share?

692
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:25,840
Anyone?

693
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:28,470
The stage is yours.

694
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:33,794
- Hi, I'm Diane and I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, Diane.

695
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,190
Maybe next time,
you'll feel comfortable speaking.

696
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:38,158
I don't know about that.

697
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:43,519
Okay. Fine.

698
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,069
Maybe you can just talk to me
if that's easier.

699
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:49,358
Do you ever feel like you hit rock bottom?

700
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,640
You gotta be shitting me.

701
00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:55,674
I sure did. In my late 20's.

702
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,320
You know, some people
can have one drink and they're fine.

703
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,632
I am not that kind of person. I get wild.

704
00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:04,633
- I'm all ears. How wild?
- What?

705
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,440
You mean like sex stuff?
That kind of thing?

706
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:09,276
Yes.

707
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:11,955
Alcohol led me to make
some not-so-good choices.

708
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:14,111
But I've cleaned up my life.

709
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,715
- I met Regent...
- Wait a minute, hang on.

710
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:20,077
You picked that douche bag up
when you were sober?

711
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,595
He was different
when he was in the Peace Corps.

712
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:24,114
He helped me find focus.

713
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:28,752
You don't understand, it was bad.
Three-ways, five-ways...

714
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,958
Five-ways? How many holes do you have?

715
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:36,114
- Anyway, the drinking had to stop.
- Yeah, I guess so.

716
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,556
It was probably making you forget
all the fun you had.

717
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,956
I'm talking about addiction, Mr. Cook.

718
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,350
Like sex? Or booze?

719
00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:47,518
Listen, I'll tell you what,

720
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,910
I'd like to get you in
that back seat there.

721
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:53,596
And tear your little panties off
and get that ass in my face

722
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:56,997
and just fuck that pussy
like you can't imagine.

723
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:58,955
Excuse me?

724
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,036
You filthy, dirty...

725
00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,112
Well, I thought that's what
we were talking about here.

726
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,520
Get out of my car!

727
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,673
- Damn, no sweat.
- Unbelievable.

728
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,559
Goddamn.

729
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:13,677
- I'm trying to help you.
- Look, I'm sorry.

730
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,320
I fucking read you wrong. I was just...

731
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,510
Well, thank you, Ronald.

732
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:27,991
- That was some fine crustacean.
- Yeah.

733
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:30,197
Maybe we should take this upstairs.

734
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,919
- Hmm.
- What?

735
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,959
When it's right, it's right.
I feel it, you feel it?

736
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,158
- You're really fun, but just...
- I'm not tall enough for you?

737
00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:39,833
- What?
- Go on and say it.

738
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:43,197
No! Your height has nothing to do with it.
I don't even see height.

739
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:45,511
What's the trouble, then, baby?

740
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:48,513
You're just not my type.
I'm into older guys.

741
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:52,310
You know, like, older Jewish guys,
older Irish guys, dads.

742
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,632
Not my dad, other people's dads.
They're the best.

743
00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:58,189
You know, they're usually into anal.
But their wives won't give it up.

744
00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:03,355
But I don't mind. I'm just into, you know,
more mature, experienced guys.

745
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,399
Guys who are well-traveled,
cultured and into butt stuff.

746
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,996
Bad boys, you know. Guys who don't
give a fuck and treat me like shit.

747
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:14,472
A guy who if I asked him to choke me,
would enjoy it just a little too much.

748
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,280
Damn, girl, I wouldn't pick you out
for that kind of shit.

749
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,875
Christmas in general gets me so drenched.

750
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,270
I mean, a guy breaks into your house,
eats your food

751
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,397
and then punishes you
because you were naughty.

752
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,910
I think I'm gonna go upstairs
and watch <i>It's a Wonderful Life</i>

753
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:28,878
and rub one out right now.

754
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,438
But thanks for the lobster.

755
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:37,271
Ain't that but a bitch!

756
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:39,192
Done ate ten pounds of lobster

757
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:41,590
and I didn't even get a chance
to smell that pussy.

758
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,559
Damn. Shit.

759
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,753
Fine, get in.

760
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:54,475
Regent and I haven't had sex
in over a decade.

761
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,074
We stay together for the charity.

762
00:42:56,160 --> 00:43:00,712
I'm a good girl, Mr. Cook,
but sometimes I need to be bad.

763
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,190
Now get your filthy ass in the car.

764
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,079
See, that's what I thought.

765
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:08,197
Oh, yeah!

766
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:11,114
Fuck me like the dirty little slut
that I am.

767
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,032
Call me Santa.

768
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,112
- What?
- Call me Santa.

769
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:18,318
Don't be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.

770
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:21,279
- Call me Santa.
- Shut up.

771
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,280
And spit on me.

772
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:26,430
Fuck!

773
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:33,479
- Tell me how dirty it is.
- Okay.

774
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:36,598
Uh, it's a dumpster in an alley.

775
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:38,831
It's pretty, pretty fucking dirty,
I guess.

776
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,834
- Tell me it's fucking dirty!
- Okay, it's fucking dirty.

777
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,792
It's dirty.

778
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:49,396
Yes, it's dirty.

779
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:55,994
- Oh, oh, fuck me. I'm so dirty.
- Yeah.

780
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:03,316
It was a one-time thing.
That never happened.

781
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:05,470
All right.

782
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:16,233
What the fuck?

783
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,471
I'm not missing <i>The Bachelor</i> finale.

784
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:22,270
I gotta see who the dingleberry
gives his last rose to,

785
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:25,000
Goiter Face or Drunk Slut.

786
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,200
Fuck! Oh! Get out of my brain!

787
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,990
- Hey, Homeo, you got the key?
- I'm gonna need a little more time.

788
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,710
Christ, am I the only one getting
anything done here tonight?

789
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,600
And I thought my family was fucked.

790
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,240
Is he always this fucking useless?

791
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:47,472
- <i>Ow!</i>
- Oh, call the medic!

792
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:59,839
<i># Frosty the Snowman</i>
<i>Was a jolly happy soul #</i>

793
00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:04,437
<i># With a corn cob pipe and a button nose</i>
<i>And two eyes made of out coal #</i>

794
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:09,390
<i># Frosty the Snowman</i>
<i>Is a fairy tale they say #</i>

795
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:12,314
<i># He was made of snow</i>
<i>But the children know #</i>

796
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:14,835
<i># How he came to life one day #</i>

797
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,994
<i># For Frosty the Snowman</i>
<i>Had to hurry on... #</i>

798
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:22,551
- Do you know Willie?
- Willie? No.

799
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:26,350
- Who the hell is Willie?
- Can I ride the bicycle now?

800
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:33,271
Why the fuck were they at an AA meeting?

801
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:34,430
I don't know.

802
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:37,274
- Maybe he's an alcoholic.
- Brilliant insight, Dorfman.

803
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,158
No, I'm wondering why they were together.

804
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:41,190
I wanna know who he is.

805
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,352
Find out everything.
Schools, arrests, financials, meds.

806
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,591
Whatever's out there on this guy,
I wanna see it.

807
00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:48,120
Copy.

808
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,113
Yeah, do I need to seduce that girl
myself to get that key?

809
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:53,669
Because I can. Wouldn't be the first time.

810
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:56,229
Please don't make me picture that.
I'm on it.

811
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,152
Well, you better be.

812
00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:00,391
Or else I'll get her done.

813
00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:03,439
I need full dossier on a Randall Cook.

814
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,357
Yes, I said "dossier."

815
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:12,753
I'm sorry. I was under the impression
that was the correct nomenclature.

816
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:15,194
"Nomenclature."

817
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:18,152
Fine! A file, then.

818
00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:19,879
Asshole.

819
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:21,360
<i># Everybody shake your ungh #</i>

820
00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:23,318
<i># Shake it to the left</i>
<i>Shake it to the right #</i>

821
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,312
<i># Shake it to the east, baby</i>
<i>Shake it all night #</i>

822
00:46:25,400 --> 00:46:27,198
<i># Shake it to the left</i>
<i>Shake it to the right #</i>

823
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,078
<i># Shake it to the west, baby</i>
<i>Shake it all night #</i>

824
00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:30,674
<i># Move your feet</i>
<i>Come on #</i>

825
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:36,758
Shitstick! Let's go!
I got a side gig, just the two of us.

826
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:40,951
- I'm busy.
- I said get in the van.

827
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:43,350
I said I'm fucking busy!

828
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,877
One fucking thing I get to enjoy
and you shit on that too.

829
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:57,000
So I help field incoming calls
for the Santa appearances

830
00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:00,312
and shows and whatnot,
so I snagged this one just for us.

831
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:09,199
Every year, these rich assholes throw
this huge party to benefit the needy kids.

832
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:12,114
And this year, they requested
Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.

833
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:16,035
So, while you're playing Santa,
I'm gonna clean these buggers out.

834
00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:17,315
Hang on a second here.

835
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:20,598
I'm gonna spend my whole day
with a bunch of damn kids on my lap?

836
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:23,195
- I'm retired from that shit anyway.
- Give me that.

837
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:25,237
Give me that, you fucking lush.

838
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:28,876
- I need you sharp.
- Goddamn it.

839
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:33,352
<i># Dashing through the snow</i>
<i>In a one-horse open sleigh #</i>

840
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:37,992
<i># O'er the fields we go</i>
<i>Laughing all the way #</i>

841
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:41,357
<i># Ha ha ha</i>
<i>Bells on bobtails ring #</i>

842
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:43,909
<i># Making spirits bright #</i>

843
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:48,392
<i># Oh, what fun it is to ride</i>
<i>And sing these songs tonight #</i>

844
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:51,154
- Hey, keep those coming, will you?
- Mm-hmm.

845
00:47:51,240 --> 00:47:53,800
<i># Jingle all the way #</i>

846
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,436
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

847
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:01,837
Seriously, you need to
give my bike back. Now.

848
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:04,355
Where are the cherry pop ladies?

849
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:09,955
Oh, Gina!

850
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:12,878
Oh, hey!

851
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:17,591
- You're not mad, are you?
- Mad? No. Because I get you.

852
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:19,512
You a woman of high standards,

853
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:21,034
refined taste...

854
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,715
- What's up, girl?
- Ooh. You know what's up, playa.

855
00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:27,191
I'm sorry, what?

856
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:36,516
What the hell are you looking at me
so funny for?

857
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,639
Sorry, Santa. I had to go.

858
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:45,397
Oh, is that you? I thought it was me.

859
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:50,880
Hey, Greta. Could you, uh, get me a rag
and a real drink, please?

860
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:52,314
Of course. I'll be right back.

861
00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:00,910
Come on. Get out of here.
Put a fucking diaper on.

862
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:09,556
- Hey, you're wet.
- No shit. What can I do for you?

863
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:13,316
Will you be able to find me
at my grandma's house in Grand Rapids?

864
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:18,520
Because no one's going to be
at our Chicago house for two weeks.

865
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:23,078
Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I'll find you.
But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you?

866
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,356
You know the address
of where you're not gonna be?

867
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:28,552
Write it down on a piece of paper
and bring it back to Santy, will you?

868
00:49:29,560 --> 00:49:30,630
All right, honey. Good girl.

869
00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:33,116
What do you want?

870
00:49:33,240 --> 00:49:36,278
I want <i>Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians,</i>
<i>Rise of the Tomb Raider,</i>

871
00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:39,319
<i>Project X Zone Two, Assassin's Creed</i>
<i>Chronicles Trilogy, As...</i>

872
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:41,835
Yeah, yeah. That's great, that's great.
I, I don't know.

873
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,673
<i>- Call of Duty Black Ops III...</i>
- I don't know what you're talking about.

874
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:45,114
I have no idea what that shit is.

875
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:48,193
You could be speaking fucking Swahili
and I wouldn't know any better.

876
00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:51,000
<i>- Grand Theft Auto V.</i>
- Nah, I don't care.

877
00:49:56,480 --> 00:49:57,755
What can I get you?

878
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,752
A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.

879
00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:03,914
- Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
- What?

880
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:08,472
A stuffed cow that moos but doesn't poop.
Some duct tape so I can build a boat.

881
00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:09,994
Okay.

882
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:14,239
Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?

883
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:16,630
A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.

884
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:31,119
- What's up, champ?
- I want a hand grenade.

885
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:32,919
Yeah, well, I want a hand release,

886
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,071
but you don't see me
holding my breath, do you?

887
00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:38,756
- What's a hand release?
- It's kind of a compromise.

888
00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:41,992
Anyway, Santy ain't no arms dealer,
so I can't help you out.

889
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:44,231
See you later.

890
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:54,080
Let's go.

891
00:51:01,720 --> 00:51:03,598
Oops!

892
00:51:03,680 --> 00:51:05,751
Walk. Don't run!

893
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:10,079
That's quite a grip you got there.
What are you, a lumberjack?

894
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:13,437
- Shot put. Olympic alternate.
- Nice.

895
00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:16,194
Hey, listen, can you kind of stay up
on the business end

896
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:17,999
and stay away from the nuts?

897
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:21,391
Maybe if you put your thumb up my ass?

898
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:24,200
No, I don't do that.

899
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:27,830
- Kiddums.
- Goddamn it. That's my mom.

900
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:31,436
- Time to get a move on.
- Ew. Your mom?

901
00:51:31,520 --> 00:51:33,034
Yeah. Help me zip this shit.

902
00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:34,952
What? Ugh.

903
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:46,710
Davis! Davis!

904
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:50,639
- Where's your friend at?
- I ain't got any fucking friends!

905
00:51:50,720 --> 00:51:52,040
Hey, watch your language.

906
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:55,591
Why don't I watch my dick go in and out
of your wife's pussy lips while I'm at it?

907
00:51:55,680 --> 00:52:00,232
Oh, yeah? Well, joke's on you
because my wife died six months ago. Boom!

908
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:05,156
Like that will fucking stop me?
Rigor mortis just make the pussy tighter.

909
00:52:05,240 --> 00:52:07,311
Oh. Where's Cook?

910
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:11,956
You see that?

911
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:15,351
Huh? Yeah.

912
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:18,672
- We still got it, kid.
- Yeah, I guess so.

913
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:21,400
It was always supposed
to be this way, William.

914
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:25,952
You, me. Before I fucked it all up.

915
00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:30,075
But even when I was in the joint,
I thought of you.

916
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:33,949
And I always had a drink
on your birthday... January third.

917
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:36,992
Seventh.

918
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:40,152
- August fourth.
- Fourth?

919
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:42,436
And August. Yeah.

920
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:47,640
Well, fuck a duck.
Anyway, uh, the point is that I miss this.

921
00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:53,079
Just think of the damage we could do.
Just the two of us. All the time.

922
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:56,480
Hey. You know what? I got you a gift.

923
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:59,632
You never got me a gift
in my entire fucking life.

924
00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:00,790
Well, boohoo.

925
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,999
You think it was raining presents
in my backyard when I was a kid?

926
00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:08,994
Look, I'm trying to make up
for lost time here.

927
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:12,591
- You know, be a better...
- Parent?

928
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:18,031
Yeah. I found this in the bedside table.

929
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:19,110
Think fast.

930
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:22,079
The fuck?

931
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,358
- Don't do that.
- Oh, that's for me.

932
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:26,954
Shut up.

933
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:29,077
- Pew-pew.
- Don't touch me with the fucking thing.

934
00:53:30,720 --> 00:53:34,999
No, seriously. I did get you a gift.

935
00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:38,960
- I want you to have this.
- What the fuck's that for?

936
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:44,832
The midget. He tried to kill you once.
I'm not gonna give him a second chance.

937
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:50,200
- I think he knows better by now, okay?
- Hey, hey, hey.

938
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:54,320
You're my shitstick. And nobody's
gonna mess with you on my watch.

939
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:00,270
I'm fine.

940
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:09,350
We gotta get rid of this van and split up.

941
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,193
- Hey, pull over right here.
- What for?

942
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,033
Just fucking pull over, okay?

943
00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:19,636
Okay, just wait right here.
Keep it running.

944
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:22,314
Be right back.

945
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:37,193
Wow.

946
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:38,475
Okay, go, go, go, go, go!

947
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:40,438
Hey! Hey! Open the door!

948
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:47,032
- Fuck!
- What you got?

949
00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:49,237
Here, drink this.

950
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,232
- You sweet little muskrat.
- Don't get all choked up.

951
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:55,993
I'm just tired of that fucking coughing.

952
00:54:57,280 --> 00:54:58,555
Ahhh.

953
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:02,520
- I hadn't gotten 'tussed up in a while.
<i>- Yeah.</i>

954
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:05,638
Nothing but an old address
somewhere outside Albany.

955
00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:07,951
- Nothing else? Shit.
- The guy's a ghost.

956
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:09,997
Okay, call Detective O'Neill
at Precinct 12.

957
00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:13,312
- Have him run a facial rec.
- Fuck yeah. Facial rec.

958
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:16,837
- That's a level-nine surveillance.
- Yeah.

959
00:55:32,440 --> 00:55:34,477
Yes! Oh! Oh!

960
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:38,919
- Don't hold back.
- Don't hold back?

961
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:42,880
What do you want, a fucking jackhammer?
Goddamn, I nearly broke my fucking pelvis.

962
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:45,350
No, I mean hurry up and cum.
I can hear someone.

963
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:47,193
Call me "Santa."

964
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:49,516
Fine.

965
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,273
- Fuck me, Santa.
- Louder.

966
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:53,272
- Fuck me, Santa!
- There you go.

967
00:55:53,360 --> 00:55:55,556
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

968
00:55:55,640 --> 00:55:59,600
Fuck me, Santa!
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

969
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:01,160
Fuck me, Santa!

970
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:04,358
Fuck me, Santa!
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

971
00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:06,352
- No, more.
- Oh, fuck me, Santa!

972
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:09,080
Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!

973
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:11,675
Oh.

974
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,070
Merry fucking Christmas.

975
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:22,317
- All right, then.
- That also...

976
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:25,672
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I know!
Uh, it never happened. I get it.

977
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:32,035
Um, I ain't exactly what you call
the romantic type, you know.

978
00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:34,760
I don't go in for all the sappy shit.

979
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:40,518
But, um, I gotta tell you,
you got gigantic titties.

980
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:45,914
- And that's no shit.
- Um... thanks?

981
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:49,038
No sweat.

982
00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:51,112
See you.

983
00:56:53,720 --> 00:56:55,712
Fuck.

984
00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:58,474
- This better be an emergency.
- Willie, where are you?

985
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:00,831
I'm in Chicago,
but I can't find you anywhere.

986
00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:03,992
Wait, hang on a second.
What are you doing in fucking Chicago?

987
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:06,231
I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.

988
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:08,556
The best Christmas gifts
are always a surprise.

989
00:57:08,640 --> 00:57:12,759
Are you off of your goddamn nut?
Is that what you do?

990
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:15,071
<i>You follow people</i>
<i>all the way across the fucking country?</i>

991
00:57:15,200 --> 00:57:16,793
Not everyone. Just you.

992
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:20,590
- <i>Are you surprised?</i>
- No, this shit happens every day.

993
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:24,151
- <i>It does?</i>
- No. On what fucking planet...?

994
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:26,232
<i>Never mind. What the fuck are you doing?</i>

995
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:30,792
Uh, Willie, it's really cold here.
I didn't bring a coat. Only my gloves.

996
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,520
<i>Goddamn it. You gotta be shitting me.</i>

997
00:57:33,600 --> 00:57:36,195
<i>Do you got a pencil</i>
<i>or some shit to write on?</i>

998
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,277
Who is it?

999
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:02,472
- Who the fuck are you?
- Grandma Willie!

1000
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:07,591
And Willie was in such a hurry
to get me my elephant

1001
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,000
that I guess he forgot to pay for it.

1002
00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:13,393
And that made the policemen really mad.
So they followed him back to the house.

1003
00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:15,995
And Willie ran really fast
and he almost got to the door,

1004
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:19,118
but then they shot him
like eight times in the back.

1005
00:58:19,200 --> 00:58:21,840
In the cowboy movies,
they say that's not even fair.

1006
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:25,960
And this is the first present
Willie ever got me for Christmas.

1007
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:27,076
With his blood.

1008
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:33,474
- Willie, you're home!
- Goddamn, kid. Watch the spine bone.

1009
00:58:33,560 --> 00:58:36,120
I was just telling your mom
how you're a hero.

1010
00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:38,994
Yeah, yeah. Hang on a second.

1011
00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:42,278
You didn't bring a fucking coat,
but you brought that elephant?

1012
00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:45,558
- You didn't tell me to bring a coat.
- I didn't tell you to come.

1013
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:49,520
- Is this your spawn?
- Do I look like I made him?

1014
00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:52,594
Well, if this ain't fetal alcohol
syndrome, then what the fuck is it?

1015
00:58:52,680 --> 00:58:56,310
- He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.
- That's what he does.

1016
00:58:57,760 --> 00:58:59,114
Elf!

1017
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:02,280
Hey! You get that key?

1018
00:59:04,480 --> 00:59:05,516
You got smaller.

1019
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:13,399
What the... Am I tripping?

1020
00:59:13,480 --> 00:59:15,756
You might be, because,
you know, certain pussy

1021
00:59:15,840 --> 00:59:18,958
has hallucinogenic aftereffects
if you eat too much of it.

1022
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:22,954
I found out the hard way once
when I messed with my own kind.

1023
00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:27,040
One time, I ate too much turkey bacon,
I didn't poop for two weeks.

1024
00:59:27,120 --> 00:59:28,952
For four weeks.

1025
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:36,836
- The key, shorty.
- Okay, first of all, fuck you!

1026
00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:40,038
See that? I told you.
I knew he didn't have it in him.

1027
00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:43,875
And second of all,
what in the fuck is he doing here?

1028
00:59:43,960 --> 00:59:46,839
- That is not how you serve a sandwich.
- Willie.

1029
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:48,957
I'm working on it, okay?

1030
00:59:49,040 --> 00:59:51,077
Hey, kid, listen.

1031
00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:54,358
This is really not the right place
for you to be, okay?

1032
00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:57,990
Because there's not enough beds?
I only counted one, plus a couch.

1033
00:59:58,080 --> 01:00:00,595
- Exactly.
- You should get bunk beds, Willie.

1034
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:01,909
Yeah, maybe we'll do that.

1035
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,515
But, uh, in the meantime,
let's you and me head out, all right?

1036
01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:08,150
Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie's mom.

1037
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:11,790
My mom's in Jesus' house with Mary
and Joseph and the talking walnut.

1038
01:00:13,560 --> 01:00:16,394
- You 100 percent sure he's not yours?
- Yeah.

1039
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:19,439
Well, then, cut him loose.
Set some boundaries, for chrissake.

1040
01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:23,070
You can't have every stray
following you around like a lost puppy.

1041
01:00:23,160 --> 01:00:25,880
- Jesus!
- I said I'm going, okay?

1042
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:30,512
Can we get a Chicago pizza?
It's like pizza, but in Chicago.

1043
01:00:30,600 --> 01:00:33,320
Yeah, we'll get a pizza. No sweat.

1044
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:42,271
This is really fun, Willie.
I didn't even know you had a mom.

1045
01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:46,479
- What'd you think? I was just hatched?
- Well, where were you born?

1046
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:51,715
I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile
Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.

1047
01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:55,953
- Oh, that sounds really nice.
- Well, it wasn't nice.

1048
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:59,795
And she's a mean fucking bitch,
so don't go getting any ideas, all right?

1049
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:03,271
Well, sometimes you're not nice.
But you're still Santa.

1050
01:01:03,360 --> 01:01:08,071
Listen kid, seriously.
You're all grown-up and shit now, okay?

1051
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,790
- You gotta stop that.
- Well, I know you're not <i>the</i> Santa.

1052
01:01:11,880 --> 01:01:13,553
But you're still my Santa.

1053
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:23,356
Come on. Let's go.

1054
01:02:06,080 --> 01:02:07,196
Fuck.

1055
01:02:46,800 --> 01:02:49,998
Fuck! Fucking pussy!

1056
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:02,594
Look at all the Santas!
I really get to stay here?

1057
01:03:02,680 --> 01:03:05,354
Goddamn right.

1058
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:08,080
So how long is the kid staying here?

1059
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:10,152
Hell if I know,
I ain't his fucking secretary.

1060
01:03:10,240 --> 01:03:15,872
- You run the joint.
- Cook, you crack me up.

1061
01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:17,155
I what?

1062
01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:22,191
Boarding room's downstairs on the left.
Any bed that's not taken.

1063
01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:28,236
Alrighty, here we go.

1064
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:30,357
Now listen,
don't be sitting on any toilet seats.

1065
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:33,512
If you gotta take a shit
just stand over it, couple of feet away,

1066
01:03:33,600 --> 01:03:35,114
take aim and blow it in there.

1067
01:03:35,200 --> 01:03:37,669
'Cause I'm pretty sure crabs can jump.
All right?

1068
01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:40,195
Don't let anybody muscle up on you
in the showers either,

1069
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:41,555
because they'll try.

1070
01:03:41,640 --> 01:03:44,838
And if a fight breaks out, go straight
for the nuts or gouge an eye out.

1071
01:03:48,720 --> 01:03:51,235
I don't think I like it here, Willie.

1072
01:03:51,320 --> 01:03:53,789
Then you should go home,
like I told you to start with.

1073
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:56,349
But it's not home if there's nobody there.

1074
01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,636
What about Granny?
I'm sure she misses you.

1075
01:03:58,720 --> 01:03:59,949
- She died.
- When?

1076
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:01,030
Two years ago.

1077
01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:04,158
Same day as the President's Day sale
at Blue Mesa Toyota and Scion

1078
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,550
where they put the "whee" in wheels.

1079
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:09,354
Well, Granny had a good run.

1080
01:04:09,440 --> 01:04:12,319
She was about
150 fucking years old, anyway.

1081
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:15,950
Look at this, this is not so bad.
Look, you got bunk beds.

1082
01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:17,799
Look at that.

1083
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:21,430
Ow! Goddamn, kid! Fuck!

1084
01:04:21,520 --> 01:04:23,477
- Will we have Christmas together?
- Fuck, I don't know.

1085
01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:26,155
- But, Willie...
- No "but, Willie." Goddamn it!

1086
01:04:26,240 --> 01:04:29,631
I've been chasing your ass off
ever since I fucking met you.

1087
01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:33,515
Do you not take a hint?
I fucking told you that I ain't that guy.

1088
01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:36,519
Life sucks a big, giant dick, kid.

1089
01:04:36,640 --> 01:04:39,109
But you're a fucking man now
and you gotta face up to it.

1090
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,192
Welcome to the shit show.

1091
01:04:42,040 --> 01:04:44,600
- But you're my family.
- No, I'm not your family.

1092
01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:53,230
- Okay. I'll try to be a man. For you.
- No, not for me. For you.

1093
01:04:54,760 --> 01:04:56,877
- Even though I'm all alone.
- You're not all alone.

1094
01:04:56,960 --> 01:05:00,795
Are you shitting me?
I mean, look around here.

1095
01:05:00,880 --> 01:05:03,475
You got all these great guys.

1096
01:05:03,560 --> 01:05:08,874
Except that one jerking off over there.
And that one watching him jerk off.

1097
01:05:08,960 --> 01:05:12,351
You know what, just kind of stay
in this section right here, okay?

1098
01:05:14,720 --> 01:05:16,473
You'll be fine.

1099
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:30,070
Hey.

1100
01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:34,439
- Where the hell have you been?
- What are you, my fucking mother?

1101
01:05:34,520 --> 01:05:36,477
I've been dealing with the kid, all right?

1102
01:05:36,560 --> 01:05:39,314
Oh, well, don't lose your focus.
We still need that key.

1103
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:42,598
I tried seducing the girl myself
but she's strictly dickly.

1104
01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:45,434
Concert's tomorrow night.
So you better step up, buddy boy.

1105
01:05:45,520 --> 01:05:47,159
I thought the midget was doing it.

1106
01:05:47,240 --> 01:05:49,755
Marcus couldn't fuck his way out
of a wet paper bag.

1107
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:52,475
I'll make sure she knows you got
the hots for her.

1108
01:05:53,920 --> 01:05:56,754
- Really?
- That's what he told me.

1109
01:05:56,840 --> 01:05:58,718
Oh, here he comes.

1110
01:05:58,800 --> 01:06:00,757
Of course you may have to make
the first move,

1111
01:06:00,840 --> 01:06:02,718
- because he seems like the shy type.
- Okay.

1112
01:06:02,800 --> 01:06:06,635
Hey. We still good for tomorrow? The plan.

1113
01:06:06,720 --> 01:06:10,680
- Cutting her out after the grab. Right?
- Yeah, yeah. We're good.

1114
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:15,514
Come on, shitstick.
Bring it on home to Mama.

1115
01:06:19,240 --> 01:06:20,469
Goddamn.

1116
01:06:26,040 --> 01:06:29,272
<i># I just can't wait till Christmas day #</i>

1117
01:06:30,680 --> 01:06:33,957
<i># My favorite time of the year #</i>

1118
01:06:38,840 --> 01:06:40,035
Hey, Cook!

1119
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:43,320
Hey, Cook!

1120
01:06:47,240 --> 01:06:48,833
Mind if join you?

1121
01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:56,594
It's okay to like what you see.
I like what I see.

1122
01:06:57,960 --> 01:06:59,030
Oh, yes!

1123
01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:04,874
Oh, oh, yes!
Oh, oh, yes! Yes, oh, come get there.

1124
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:08,715
Oh, God! Oh, make Mama cum.

1125
01:07:08,800 --> 01:07:11,269
Don't say "Mama." No mom stuff!

1126
01:07:11,360 --> 01:07:14,512
You don't stop till I <i>say</i> stop!

1127
01:07:14,600 --> 01:07:18,435
- Okay, flip over.
- Fine. Bring it.

1128
01:07:22,040 --> 01:07:24,430
Are you washing your fucking hands
right now?

1129
01:07:24,560 --> 01:07:25,550
No.

1130
01:07:25,640 --> 01:07:29,520
Oh, wait, wait. That's not my... Huh.

1131
01:07:29,600 --> 01:07:31,034
Oh, my God!

1132
01:07:31,120 --> 01:07:35,194
Oh, my God! That feels amazing! Holy shit!

1133
01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:43,240
Harder!

1134
01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:46,754
Harder! Yes!

1135
01:08:03,040 --> 01:08:08,832
<i># Holy infant so tender and mild #</i>

1136
01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:14,791
<i># Sleep in heavenly peace #</i>

1137
01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:22,238
<i># Sleep in heavenly peace #</i>

1138
01:08:25,680 --> 01:08:29,276
<i># Silent night #</i>

1139
01:08:29,360 --> 01:08:31,238
<i>- # Holy night #</i>
- Oh, my gosh.

1140
01:08:31,320 --> 01:08:34,870
You guys are really good at singing.
I like to sing in the bathtub.

1141
01:08:34,960 --> 01:08:37,998
I'm a soprano. My friend Ronnie says
I sound like Mariah Carey.

1142
01:08:39,440 --> 01:08:44,356
- Hello. What's your name?
- I'm Thurman. Thurman Merman.

1143
01:08:44,440 --> 01:08:47,080
For real? Ha!

1144
01:08:48,440 --> 01:08:50,397
Would you like to join us, Thurman?

1145
01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:54,399
This looks like it might fit.

1146
01:08:56,160 --> 01:08:58,550
- I get to wear this?
- Of course you do.

1147
01:08:58,640 --> 01:09:02,759
You're a Santa now, Thurman.
Go ahead, put it on.

1148
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:09,074
It's got a lot of paper trash in it,

1149
01:09:09,160 --> 01:09:13,074
so I think it should be a light landing
for both of you. Okay?

1150
01:09:13,160 --> 01:09:14,480
So...

1151
01:09:14,560 --> 01:09:18,634
Where the fuck have you been? We gotta
lock everything down for tomorrow.

1152
01:09:18,720 --> 01:09:22,031
That's my boy!

1153
01:09:22,120 --> 01:09:25,750
- Shit. How'd you get that?
- He tapped that security girl.

1154
01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:30,517
Ha-ha. Very funny. Wait... for real?

1155
01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:34,196
I didn't exactly have to talk her into it.
She was wetter than Lake Michigan.

1156
01:09:34,280 --> 01:09:36,476
Matter of fact, I think she roofied me.

1157
01:09:36,560 --> 01:09:39,314
Ah, rohypnol. Excellent icebreaker.

1158
01:09:39,400 --> 01:09:42,074
Of course, it's harder for the girl
because she's gotta get off

1159
01:09:42,160 --> 01:09:44,072
- before the drugs soften the noodle.
- Yeah.

1160
01:09:44,200 --> 01:09:45,873
Ya! You no good motherfucker!

1161
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:47,110
- What the fuck?
- You...

1162
01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:48,680
- God!
- Get off of him!

1163
01:09:48,760 --> 01:09:50,433
Hey! Get off of him you little shit!

1164
01:09:50,520 --> 01:09:52,034
- I'll kill your ass!
- Let go of me!

1165
01:09:52,120 --> 01:09:53,839
- Motherfucker!
- Get off of him!

1166
01:09:53,960 --> 01:09:56,429
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

1167
01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:58,637
Hey, goddamn pussy! You motherfucker!

1168
01:09:58,720 --> 01:10:01,155
Just get off of him. Hey!

1169
01:10:01,240 --> 01:10:04,199
Goddamn it!

1170
01:10:04,280 --> 01:10:06,715
Ow!

1171
01:10:08,520 --> 01:10:10,830
Goddamn!

1172
01:10:13,160 --> 01:10:16,198
My first shot at a good piece of ass
after nearly ten years

1173
01:10:16,280 --> 01:10:19,079
and you gotta go
and take a dump on that too.

1174
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:20,833
- Fuck you!
- It was just business.

1175
01:10:20,920 --> 01:10:23,480
You just ruined
a perfectly good piece of pussy

1176
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,517
with that diseased-ass dick of yours.

1177
01:10:25,600 --> 01:10:29,674
I'm glad I tea-bagged your drunk ass,
you fucking piece-of-shit motherfucker!

1178
01:10:29,760 --> 01:10:33,117
Would you get it together?
Tomorrow is go time.

1179
01:10:33,200 --> 01:10:36,272
I need some air.

1180
01:10:39,080 --> 01:10:44,394
Now, see? Who the fuck does he think
he is talking to you that way?

1181
01:10:44,480 --> 01:10:47,996
- That's it. We're cutting him out.
- What? Fuck no.

1182
01:10:48,080 --> 01:10:51,152
I mean, he's just steamed a little bit.
He'll be fine.

1183
01:10:51,240 --> 01:10:53,550
Okay, you wanna share
half of your take with him?

1184
01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:56,314
- Be my guest.
- You know, I don't fucking get you.

1185
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:58,835
I mean, you're the one
that brought that little shit in.

1186
01:10:58,920 --> 01:11:03,597
No, shitstick. I brought you in.
You're the safe cracker.

1187
01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:07,640
He can't even crack his own ass.
Fuck that.

1188
01:11:07,720 --> 01:11:10,440
We're going to Mexico.

1189
01:11:10,520 --> 01:11:13,957
It's loaded now. You're good to go.

1190
01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:18,832
You did this whole fucking thing

1191
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:22,112
just to have me to go
to shit-ass Mexico with you?

1192
01:11:22,200 --> 01:11:26,752
I just thought it might be fun to spend
Christmas with the only family I got left.

1193
01:11:26,840 --> 01:11:31,676
- Why's that such a surprise?
- Well...

1194
01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:37,631
You know, they'd grant Charles Manson
fucking parole if it wasn't for one thing.

1195
01:11:37,720 --> 01:11:41,714
- He's Charles Manson.
- I get it.

1196
01:11:41,800 --> 01:11:47,319
Maybe I don't blame you.
But things change at the end of the road.

1197
01:11:48,160 --> 01:11:50,914
Willie?

1198
01:11:51,000 --> 01:11:53,560
- Willie, you in there?
- Get rid of him.

1199
01:11:56,920 --> 01:11:58,877
- Is this an emergency?
- No.

1200
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:01,515
I just wanted to invite you
to the Christmas concert tomorrow, Willie.

1201
01:12:01,600 --> 01:12:02,670
I'm singing in the choir.

1202
01:12:02,760 --> 01:12:06,231
We're doing all the Christmas carols,
"Silent Night," "Deck the Halls,"

1203
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:09,518
"Jingle Bells," "Veni, Veni, Emmanuel."
That one's in Latin.

1204
01:12:09,600 --> 01:12:13,071
I know you're busy, but it's only for
an hour and all the parents are coming.

1205
01:12:13,160 --> 01:12:15,231
And I know you're not my real family,

1206
01:12:15,320 --> 01:12:18,677
but when you don't have real family,
then you have to make a new one.

1207
01:12:18,760 --> 01:12:22,034
And it's actually better because then you get
to pick the people who are in your family.

1208
01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:23,474
And you're the family I picked.

1209
01:12:25,000 --> 01:12:27,196
And that's why I followed you to Chicago.

1210
01:12:27,320 --> 01:12:28,993
Because I didn't want you
to spend Christmas alone.

1211
01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:34,152
So can you come? And then maybe
after we can go to SantaCon or...

1212
01:12:34,240 --> 01:12:37,074
I, I can't. I can't come.

1213
01:12:43,240 --> 01:12:47,519
- Look, I'll try to make it. Okay?
- Okay. I'll look for you, Willie.

1214
01:12:47,600 --> 01:12:49,319
I'll look for you
and I'll wave like this. Okay?

1215
01:12:49,400 --> 01:12:51,278
Yeah. Okay, All right. Good deal.

1216
01:12:51,360 --> 01:12:55,240
- All right. I'll see you.
- Bye, Willie.

1217
01:12:56,960 --> 01:13:01,000
What are you, the fucking FBI?
That place is gonna be crowded.

1218
01:13:01,080 --> 01:13:02,514
He won't even know I'm not there.

1219
01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:04,159
- Good.
- Good night, Elf!

1220
01:13:04,240 --> 01:13:06,152
For a minute there,
I thought you were going soft.

1221
01:13:09,880 --> 01:13:13,715
I hate your guts, motherfucker.
But business is business.

1222
01:13:13,800 --> 01:13:15,075
Let's do this.

1223
01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:22,519
- Hi, thank you so much for coming.
- Okay?

1224
01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:24,671
- You look gorgeous.
- Amazing. Hi, good to see you.

1225
01:13:28,000 --> 01:13:31,072
- Time?
- Concert starts in five.

1226
01:13:40,840 --> 01:13:43,036
As you know,
Christmas is a time for giving.

1227
01:13:43,120 --> 01:13:45,589
And we want to thank you all
for being here tonight.

1228
01:13:50,680 --> 01:13:54,833
All right, let's sync them up, boys.
At 7:45, the power goes down.

1229
01:13:54,920 --> 01:13:55,990
That's on me.

1230
01:13:56,080 --> 01:13:59,073
You got ten minutes to get
to Regent's office, crack that safe,

1231
01:13:59,160 --> 01:14:01,436
grab the money,
throw it down the garbage chute

1232
01:14:01,520 --> 01:14:04,638
and then get the hell out of there
before anybody knows what's hit them.

1233
01:14:04,720 --> 01:14:09,954
Now please join me in welcoming
the Giving City Children's Choir.

1234
01:14:13,560 --> 01:14:17,349
And without further ado, I would like
to introduce our choirmaster, Renee.

1235
01:14:19,360 --> 01:14:22,797
You got a match? Well, send it over!

1236
01:14:22,880 --> 01:14:26,954
Now we're gonna get this party started
with an old favorite.

1237
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:29,430
<i># Deck the halls with boughs of holly #</i>

1238
01:14:29,520 --> 01:14:31,955
<i># Fa la la la la la la la la #</i>

1239
01:14:32,040 --> 01:14:36,831
<i># Tis the season to be jolly</i>
<i>Fa la la la la la la la la #</i>

1240
01:14:36,920 --> 01:14:41,995
<i># Sing we joyous all together</i>
<i>Fa la la la la la la la la #</i>

1241
01:14:42,120 --> 01:14:47,240
<i># Heedless of the wind and weather</i>
<i>Fa la la la la la la la la #</i>

1242
01:14:47,320 --> 01:14:53,794
<i># Fa la la la la la la la la</i>
<i>La la la #</i>

1243
01:14:57,040 --> 01:14:59,509
- This is all your handiwork.
- Huh?

1244
01:14:59,640 --> 01:15:03,031
The money you helped us raise,
it gave Christmas to these kids.

1245
01:15:03,120 --> 01:15:05,077
You're part of the family now.

1246
01:15:13,000 --> 01:15:14,036
Hmm.

1247
01:15:16,320 --> 01:15:18,835
Ugh! Boring.

1248
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:24,078
Ooh, no teeth. That's hot.

1249
01:15:30,880 --> 01:15:31,916
Oh.

1250
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:39,919
Oh, yeah. Who's got the pussy lips now,
motherfucker?

1251
01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:43,591
- I never gave you this.
- Thank you. Thank you.

1252
01:15:43,680 --> 01:15:44,670
Room 523.

1253
01:15:44,760 --> 01:15:50,110
I'd like to call to the stage
now a very special member of our choir.

1254
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:54,160
Please say hello to Thurman Merman.
Thurman?

1255
01:16:02,320 --> 01:16:06,360
#<i>Silent night #</i>

1256
01:16:06,440 --> 01:16:10,719
<i># Holy night #</i>

1257
01:16:10,800 --> 01:16:14,111
<i># All is calm #</i>

1258
01:16:15,040 --> 01:16:18,397
<i># All is bright #</i>

1259
01:16:18,480 --> 01:16:25,478
<i># 'Round yon virgin mother and child #</i>

1260
01:16:27,280 --> 01:16:33,914
<i># Holy infant so tender and mild #</i>

1261
01:16:35,240 --> 01:16:42,113
<i># Sleep in heavenly peace #</i>

1262
01:16:43,920 --> 01:16:49,552
<i># Sleep in heavenly peace #</i>

1263
01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:55,920
<i># Silent night #</i>

1264
01:16:56,000 --> 01:17:00,279
<i># Holy night #</i>

1265
01:17:00,360 --> 01:17:06,994
<i># Shepherds quake at the sight #</i>

1266
01:17:08,320 --> 01:17:15,159
<i># Glories stream from heaven afar #</i>

1267
01:17:16,600 --> 01:17:23,359
<i># Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah #</i>

1268
01:17:24,240 --> 01:17:31,113
<i># Christ the savior is born #</i>

1269
01:17:32,760 --> 01:17:37,710
<i># Christ the savior is born #</i>

1270
01:17:41,200 --> 01:17:42,839
Find them. All of them!

1271
01:18:05,880 --> 01:18:07,314
Go! Go, go, go, go!

1272
01:18:09,160 --> 01:18:11,629
Gina, check the security cameras.

1273
01:18:11,720 --> 01:18:13,040
Copy, checking.

1274
01:18:14,560 --> 01:18:15,550
Oh, shit!

1275
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:28,312
- Three minutes, Willie, come on!
- Shut the fuck up! I can't hear.

1276
01:18:28,400 --> 01:18:30,960
Just hurry your ass!

1277
01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:38,870
What the hell is this?

1278
01:18:38,960 --> 01:18:40,394
Wait, bring up my office,
I wanna see the safe.

1279
01:18:40,480 --> 01:18:42,676
I can't, sir.
It still has eight minutes to reboot.

1280
01:18:42,760 --> 01:18:44,114
What? Call the police!

1281
01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:45,720
- Let's go, come on!
- I'm on it.

1282
01:18:46,520 --> 01:18:50,036
Well, that can't be more
than half a million, 600 tops.

1283
01:18:50,160 --> 01:18:51,799
Well, fuck, that's all we got.

1284
01:18:51,880 --> 01:18:54,520
Perfect amount for my cut.

1285
01:18:57,720 --> 01:19:02,875
Are you shitting me? Really?
You know the old lady's right.

1286
01:19:05,440 --> 01:19:07,557
Not so big now, are you?

1287
01:19:24,720 --> 01:19:27,474
Come on, come on, come on, come on.

1288
01:19:29,360 --> 01:19:30,953
Motherfuckers!

1289
01:19:31,040 --> 01:19:36,115
- Lock it down. The whole building!
- We're on a level-ten lockdown.

1290
01:19:36,200 --> 01:19:37,475
Lockdown level ten.

1291
01:19:39,480 --> 01:19:41,358
- Get in!
- You get in!

1292
01:19:41,440 --> 01:19:43,079
Evacuate the concert! And search everyone.

1293
01:19:52,480 --> 01:19:55,871
Halle-fucking-lujah!

1294
01:19:55,960 --> 01:19:58,031
Oh, baby!

1295
01:20:00,760 --> 01:20:02,194
Oh!

1296
01:20:03,400 --> 01:20:05,312
Sweet Jesus, you made it!

1297
01:20:05,400 --> 01:20:08,234
What's the fucking Santy Claus outfit
all about?

1298
01:20:08,320 --> 01:20:09,993
Now step the fuck back!

1299
01:20:10,080 --> 01:20:13,198
- What are you doing, runt?
- It's called thinning the herd.

1300
01:20:13,280 --> 01:20:16,637
World's gonna be a better place
without the fucking Sokes in it.

1301
01:20:16,720 --> 01:20:19,076
I'm gonna live like a king this time.

1302
01:20:19,160 --> 01:20:22,471
- A fucking sultan!
- Not in this lifetime, Sparky.

1303
01:20:22,560 --> 01:20:26,270
- The bag goes with me.
- You mean with us.

1304
01:20:26,360 --> 01:20:30,036
- No, I mean me.
- What the fuck did you just say?

1305
01:20:30,120 --> 01:20:34,239
When I said this was my last job,
I meant it was my last job with you.

1306
01:20:35,920 --> 01:20:39,630
I knew I should've left, second
I saw your miserable fucking face.

1307
01:20:41,360 --> 01:20:42,999
Why did I forget?

1308
01:20:43,080 --> 01:20:46,517
Nice job on the safe, though.
Yeah, I'm real proud of you.

1309
01:20:46,600 --> 01:20:48,956
Well, you know something, Mama?

1310
01:20:49,040 --> 01:20:51,032
Maybe you're not as smart
as you think you are.

1311
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:54,591
Did you forget about this?

1312
01:20:54,680 --> 01:20:57,514
Oh, how could I have forgotten?

1313
01:20:58,560 --> 01:21:01,871
Go ahead. Shoot me, shitstick.

1314
01:21:17,360 --> 01:21:19,079
They're blanks, Willie.

1315
01:21:19,160 --> 01:21:23,837
You really think I'd be dumb enough
to put real bullets in that gun?

1316
01:21:23,920 --> 01:21:27,470
Well, I ain't afraid of you, bitch!
I'll blow a hole through your ass so...

1317
01:21:31,400 --> 01:21:32,959
The fuck?

1318
01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:34,918
Drop your weapons!
Put your hands in the...

1319
01:21:35,000 --> 01:21:38,357
Hey, hang on a second. She's got
the money, I'm just a fucking guy!

1320
01:22:04,680 --> 01:22:07,149
Willie! Hey, Willie!

1321
01:22:17,600 --> 01:22:20,434
Ticket please.

1322
01:22:37,760 --> 01:22:40,400
Let us through right now.
We're chasing a suspect.

1323
01:23:11,840 --> 01:23:13,880
Come here.

1324
01:23:32,120 --> 01:23:34,191
Come on, man.

1325
01:23:52,400 --> 01:23:55,074
Hey!

1326
01:23:55,160 --> 01:23:59,473
- Found this on the coffee table.
- Well, hoo-fucking-rah, William.

1327
01:23:59,560 --> 01:24:02,234
Well, give me the fucking bag.
I'm taking this back to the kids.

1328
01:24:02,320 --> 01:24:04,516
I'd rather them have it
than your sorry ass.

1329
01:24:04,640 --> 01:24:08,316
- Don't test me, boy.
- You're gonna shoot me too?

1330
01:24:12,680 --> 01:24:19,075
- You fucking shot me!
- I told you I would. You never listen.

1331
01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:25,515
Let go of the bag, William.
Let go of the bag.

1332
01:24:25,600 --> 01:24:29,037
Goddamn it, let go of the fucking bag!

1333
01:24:36,720 --> 01:24:38,996
Money!

1334
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:42,919
It's raining money!

1335
01:24:47,480 --> 01:24:48,914
She's got a gun!

1336
01:24:51,680 --> 01:24:53,319
Willie!

1337
01:24:57,480 --> 01:24:58,834
Drop the weapon! Get down!

1338
01:24:58,920 --> 01:25:00,912
The fuck is going on? Hey, goddamn it!

1339
01:25:01,400 --> 01:25:04,438
I caught a fucking
midget-murdering fucking armed robber.

1340
01:25:04,520 --> 01:25:06,034
I'm a goddamn hero.

1341
01:25:24,120 --> 01:25:27,079
Don't worry, Willie. I'm okay.
It's just in my butt.

1342
01:25:29,680 --> 01:25:30,670
Willie?

1343
01:25:30,760 --> 01:25:33,594
No!

1344
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,117
Oh, f...

1345
01:25:39,080 --> 01:25:43,393
Stand clear.

1346
01:25:45,320 --> 01:25:50,236
Oh! Fuck me!

1347
01:25:52,320 --> 01:25:55,233
- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.

1348
01:26:01,200 --> 01:26:04,318
<i>Well, I guess this is</i>
<i>what they call a happy ending.</i>

1349
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:08,314
<i>But as far as Christmas miracles go,</i>
<i>shit, I don't know.</i>

1350
01:26:08,400 --> 01:26:11,199
<i>That asshole Regent ended up</i>
<i>getting busted</i>

1351
01:26:11,280 --> 01:26:14,478
<i>while I got off clean by ratting out</i>
<i>my steaming pile of shit mother.</i>

1352
01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:20,150
<i>Guess I did learn one thing about family</i>
<i>from that crazy bitch.</i>

1353
01:26:20,240 --> 01:26:23,517
<i>And that is, if yours happens to be</i>
<i>a bag of dicks, then fuck them.</i>

1354
01:26:23,600 --> 01:26:26,240
- <i>Start over.</i>
<i>- # Oh, yeah, candles burning low #</i>

1355
01:26:27,560 --> 01:26:29,472
<i># Lots of mistletoe #</i>

1356
01:26:30,520 --> 01:26:33,592
<i># Lots of snow and ice #</i>

1357
01:26:33,680 --> 01:26:36,593
<i># Everywhere we go #</i>

1358
01:26:36,680 --> 01:26:39,320
<i># Choirs singing carols #</i>

1359
01:26:39,400 --> 01:26:42,120
<i># Right outside my door #</i>

1360
01:26:42,200 --> 01:26:45,193
<i># All these things and more #</i>

1361
01:26:45,280 --> 01:26:47,476
<i># All these things and more, babe #</i>

1362
01:26:47,560 --> 01:26:56,151
<i># That's what Christmas means to me</i>
<i>My love #</i>

1363
01:26:56,240 --> 01:26:58,391
<i># Yeah #</i>

1364
01:27:00,200 --> 01:27:03,830
<i>So maybe there is no such thing</i>
<i>as a Christmas miracle, or whatever.</i>

1365
01:27:07,240 --> 01:27:11,393
<i>But I've worn the suit enough to know</i>
<i>a perfect Christmas gift when I see one.</i>

1366
01:27:15,880 --> 01:27:20,432
<i>And like the kid says,</i>
<i>"The best gifts are always a surprise."</i>

1367
01:27:27,560 --> 01:27:30,678
<i>So if a happy ending is staring at you</i>
<i>right in the fucking face,</i>

1368
01:27:30,760 --> 01:27:35,437
<i>then just say, "All right,</i>
<i>I guess I'll take it."</i>

1369
01:27:35,560 --> 01:27:38,951
<i># And wish you a Merry Christmas, baby #</i>

1370
01:27:39,040 --> 01:27:40,633
<i># Wish you a Merry Christmas, baby #</i>

1371
01:27:40,720 --> 01:27:46,830
<i># And such happiness in the coming year #</i>

1372
01:27:46,920 --> 01:27:50,231
<i># Baby, baby, baby #</i>

1373
01:27:50,320 --> 01:27:52,630
<i># All these things and more, baby #</i>

1374
01:27:52,720 --> 01:27:59,433
<i># That's what Christmas means to me</i>
<i>My love #</i>

1374
01:28:00,305 --> 01:28:06,946
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