WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:12.074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:30.000 -=xXSwesubsXx=- 3 00:03:00.430 --> 00:03:02.850 Kinda lonesome back here. 4 00:03:03.308 --> 00:03:04.348 Yeah, little help. 5 00:03:05.686 --> 00:03:10.146 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 6 00:03:11.859 --> 00:03:12.979 Excuse me. 7 00:03:14.653 --> 00:03:15.953 Dopinder. 8 00:03:15.988 --> 00:03:17.988 Pool. Dead. 9 00:03:19.658 --> 00:03:20.658 Nice. 10 00:03:21.785 --> 00:03:22.905 Smells good, no? 11 00:03:22.953 --> 00:03:24.833 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 12 00:03:25.539 --> 00:03:28.379 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 13 00:03:28.876 --> 00:03:32.496 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 14 00:03:33.380 --> 00:03:36.840 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 15 00:03:36.884 --> 00:03:40.854 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 16 00:03:42.014 --> 00:03:45.854 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 17 00:03:46.185 --> 00:03:47.645 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 18 00:03:47.686 --> 00:03:52.516 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 19 00:03:52.566 --> 00:03:55.356 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 20 00:03:56.570 --> 00:03:58.360 So you gotta hold onto love... 21 00:03:58.697 --> 00:04:00.157 tight! 22 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.159 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 23 00:04:03.202 --> 00:04:04.452 - Got it? - Yeah. 24 00:04:04.494 --> 00:04:08.004 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 25 00:04:08.540 --> 00:04:10.880 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 26 00:04:10.918 --> 00:04:13.878 - Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. - Okay, enough. 27 00:04:13.921 --> 00:04:16.841 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 28 00:04:16.882 --> 00:04:18.592 It's bad. 29 00:04:19.176 --> 00:04:21.846 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 30 00:04:21.887 --> 00:04:23.847 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 31 00:04:23.889 --> 00:04:26.389 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 32 00:04:26.433 --> 00:04:28.023 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 33 00:04:28.060 --> 00:04:30.020 six days and... 34 00:04:30.062 --> 00:04:32.402 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 35 00:04:34.024 --> 00:04:36.364 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 36 00:04:36.401 --> 00:04:37.741 This shit... 37 00:04:39.279 --> 00:04:40.279 Boo! 38 00:05:00.884 --> 00:05:01.974 They won't disappoint. 39 00:05:02.636 --> 00:05:04.426 They'd better not. 40 00:05:04.471 --> 00:05:06.891 And what about next month's shipment? 41 00:05:06.932 --> 00:05:08.682 There won't be one. 42 00:05:08.725 --> 00:05:10.365 You're not the only one with a war to win. 43 00:05:11.478 --> 00:05:12.898 That won't do. 44 00:05:15.816 --> 00:05:19.736 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 45 00:05:23.574 --> 00:05:25.784 We'd appreciate your patience. 46 00:05:28.287 --> 00:05:29.287 Okay. 47 00:05:29.788 --> 00:05:32.288 We'll deliver in full the following month. 48 00:05:35.794 --> 00:05:37.114 Pleasure doing business with you. 49 00:05:40.799 --> 00:05:42.509 Fucking mutant. 50 00:05:52.519 --> 00:05:54.099 Ah, shit! 51 00:05:54.146 --> 00:05:55.516 I forgot my ammo bag. 52 00:05:55.856 --> 00:05:58.106 - Shall we turn back? - No, no time. 53 00:05:58.525 --> 00:06:00.105 Fuck it. I got this. 54 00:06:00.152 --> 00:06:03.492 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 55 00:06:03.530 --> 00:06:04.530 Right here! 56 00:06:06.533 --> 00:06:09.123 That's $27.50. 57 00:06:09.161 --> 00:06:10.871 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 58 00:06:10.913 --> 00:06:12.333 Ruins the lines of my suit. 59 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:15.250 But, how about a crisp high five? 60 00:06:15.626 --> 00:06:16.456 Okay. 61 00:06:16.502 --> 00:06:17.752 Merry Christmas. 62 00:06:19.087 --> 00:06:22.087 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 63 00:06:25.719 --> 00:06:30.599 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 64 00:06:30.641 --> 00:06:32.641 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 65 00:06:32.684 --> 00:06:35.444 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 66 00:06:35.479 --> 00:06:37.899 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 67 00:06:37.940 --> 00:06:40.150 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 68 00:06:40.192 --> 00:06:41.652 You're a shotgun - bang! 69 00:06:43.403 --> 00:06:46.743 Oh, hello. I know, right? 70 00:06:46.782 --> 00:06:50.492 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 71 00:06:50.536 --> 00:06:54.116 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 72 00:06:54.373 --> 00:06:59.923 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 73 00:06:59.962 --> 00:07:04.172 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 74 00:07:04.216 --> 00:07:06.886 Bad guys to kill. 75 00:07:12.307 --> 00:07:13.557 Maximum effort. 76 00:07:23.569 --> 00:07:24.569 Cock shot. 77 00:07:32.202 --> 00:07:34.292 Rich Corinthian leather. 78 00:07:36.248 --> 00:07:38.078 I'm looking for Francis! 79 00:07:38.625 --> 00:07:39.915 Have you seen this man? 80 00:07:50.262 --> 00:07:51.262 Yanky, yanky! 81 00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:26.169 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 82 00:08:47.528 --> 00:08:49.028 Shit. 83 00:08:49.655 --> 00:08:51.665 Did I leave the stove on? 84 00:09:09.174 --> 00:09:10.514 Now, breaking news. 85 00:09:10.884 --> 00:09:14.434 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 86 00:09:14.847 --> 00:09:16.717 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 87 00:09:17.182 --> 00:09:19.682 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 88 00:09:19.726 --> 00:09:22.806 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 89 00:09:22.855 --> 00:09:24.275 - a red suit. - A red suit. 90 00:09:24.940 --> 00:09:26.190 Deadpool. 91 00:09:26.233 --> 00:09:28.943 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 92 00:09:29.862 --> 00:09:32.322 Colossus, wait up. 93 00:09:32.364 --> 00:09:35.744 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 94 00:09:35.784 --> 00:09:37.994 but he'd rather act like a child. 95 00:09:38.036 --> 00:09:40.536 A heavily-armed child. 96 00:09:40.581 --> 00:09:44.331 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 97 00:09:44.376 --> 00:09:46.206 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 98 00:09:46.545 --> 00:09:48.425 The house that blows up every few years? 99 00:09:48.463 --> 00:09:49.513 Please. 100 00:09:49.548 --> 00:09:51.878 House blowing up builds character. 101 00:09:52.384 --> 00:09:54.264 You ate breakfast, yes? 102 00:09:54.303 --> 00:09:56.553 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 103 00:09:57.472 --> 00:10:01.772 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 104 00:10:01.810 --> 00:10:04.150 Deadpool may try to break yours. 105 00:10:12.821 --> 00:10:13.951 Get out of the way! 106 00:10:31.507 --> 00:10:32.967 Hey! 107 00:10:44.144 --> 00:10:45.444 Wait! 108 00:10:45.771 --> 00:10:47.901 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 109 00:10:47.940 --> 00:10:49.860 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 110 00:10:50.901 --> 00:10:52.111 This guy's got the right idea. 111 00:10:52.444 --> 00:10:53.784 He wore the brown pants. 112 00:10:55.739 --> 00:10:57.909 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 113 00:10:57.950 --> 00:10:59.620 so you're gonna have to share! 114 00:10:59.660 --> 00:11:01.450 Let's count them down. 115 00:11:20.806 --> 00:11:21.926 Shit. 116 00:11:24.977 --> 00:11:26.687 Motherfucker! 117 00:11:27.980 --> 00:11:29.110 10! Shit! 118 00:11:29.773 --> 00:11:30.773 Nine. Fuck. 119 00:11:31.149 --> 00:11:32.149 Eight. 120 00:11:32.359 --> 00:11:33.359 Shit-fuck! 121 00:11:37.114 --> 00:11:38.324 Bad Deadpool. 122 00:11:39.783 --> 00:11:41.953 Seven. Good Deadpool. 123 00:12:04.224 --> 00:12:06.734 Someone's not counting. Six. 124 00:12:33.337 --> 00:12:34.547 Four. 125 00:12:36.882 --> 00:12:37.922 Gotcha. 126 00:12:39.676 --> 00:12:40.926 Right up Main Street. 127 00:12:45.015 --> 00:12:46.135 Three, two! 128 00:12:46.183 --> 00:12:48.063 Stupid! Worth it. 129 00:13:14.419 --> 00:13:16.379 I'm touching myself tonight. 130 00:13:17.214 --> 00:13:18.304 Francis! 131 00:13:18.715 --> 00:13:19.915 Francis... 132 00:13:21.927 --> 00:13:24.177 What the shit-biscuit! 133 00:13:24.221 --> 00:13:25.931 Where you at, Francis? 134 00:13:34.857 --> 00:13:35.897 You're not Francis. 135 00:13:43.949 --> 00:13:46.369 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 136 00:13:56.753 --> 00:14:00.053 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 137 00:14:00.090 --> 00:14:03.890 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 138 00:14:04.136 --> 00:14:08.466 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 139 00:14:08.807 --> 00:14:11.017 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 140 00:14:11.059 --> 00:14:13.349 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 141 00:14:13.395 --> 00:14:16.435 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 142 00:14:16.481 --> 00:14:17.901 And to tell it right... 143 00:14:17.941 --> 00:14:22.741 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 144 00:14:23.822 --> 00:14:28.792 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 145 00:14:28.827 --> 00:14:32.617 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 146 00:14:32.664 --> 00:14:35.794 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 147 00:14:36.168 --> 00:14:37.288 Then who placed the call? 148 00:14:37.920 --> 00:14:39.170 I did! 149 00:14:41.507 --> 00:14:42.917 Pineapple and olive? 150 00:14:43.467 --> 00:14:46.387 Sweet and salty. 151 00:14:46.428 --> 00:14:49.558 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 152 00:14:49.598 --> 00:14:50.598 Is it burnt crust? 153 00:14:50.849 --> 00:14:52.139 God, I hope not. 154 00:14:52.768 --> 00:14:54.638 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 155 00:14:54.686 --> 00:14:56.976 I told Howie, I told him that... 156 00:14:57.022 --> 00:15:00.982 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 157 00:15:01.026 --> 00:15:02.106 Thanks. 158 00:15:03.028 --> 00:15:05.668 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 159 00:15:07.199 --> 00:15:09.079 Jeremy, is it? 160 00:15:09.117 --> 00:15:10.537 Wade. Wade Wilson. 161 00:15:11.662 --> 00:15:14.662 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 162 00:15:14.706 --> 00:15:16.166 I'm not here for him. 163 00:15:16.542 --> 00:15:18.132 I'm here for you. 164 00:15:19.670 --> 00:15:21.670 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 165 00:15:21.713 --> 00:15:23.633 Not out of the woods yet. 166 00:15:24.216 --> 00:15:26.586 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 167 00:15:26.635 --> 00:15:28.605 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 168 00:15:28.637 --> 00:15:30.927 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 169 00:15:30.973 --> 00:15:32.773 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 170 00:15:32.808 --> 00:15:35.058 I will shoot your fucking cat! 171 00:15:35.894 --> 00:15:38.314 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 172 00:15:38.647 --> 00:15:40.397 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 173 00:15:44.528 --> 00:15:46.698 Anyhoo, tell me something... 174 00:15:46.738 --> 00:15:50.488 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 175 00:15:50.534 --> 00:15:52.874 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 176 00:15:52.911 --> 00:15:54.541 Getting that right? Orflosky? 177 00:15:54.580 --> 00:15:56.870 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 178 00:15:58.083 --> 00:15:59.383 Because she knows you. 179 00:15:59.418 --> 00:16:03.878 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 180 00:16:03.922 --> 00:16:06.842 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 181 00:16:06.884 --> 00:16:08.184 I got a soft spot. 182 00:16:08.760 --> 00:16:10.720 - But I'm a... - A stalker. 183 00:16:11.180 --> 00:16:12.810 Threats hurt, Jer. 184 00:16:12.848 --> 00:16:16.308 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 185 00:16:16.351 --> 00:16:19.561 So keep away from Meghan. 186 00:16:19.605 --> 00:16:20.525 Cool? 187 00:16:20.564 --> 00:16:21.824 Yes, sir. 188 00:16:21.857 --> 00:16:22.857 Then we're done. 189 00:16:23.108 --> 00:16:25.238 Wait. We are? 190 00:16:25.277 --> 00:16:26.947 Yeah. We're totally done. 191 00:16:27.613 --> 00:16:29.073 You should've seen your face. 192 00:16:29.114 --> 00:16:30.414 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 193 00:16:30.699 --> 00:16:31.779 Soft spot, remember? 194 00:16:33.285 --> 00:16:35.375 You even look in her general direction again... 195 00:16:35.412 --> 00:16:39.122 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 196 00:16:41.126 --> 00:16:42.456 That came out wrong. 197 00:16:43.629 --> 00:16:44.799 Or did it? 198 00:16:58.101 --> 00:16:59.101 Meghan? 199 00:17:02.147 --> 00:17:03.867 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 200 00:17:04.483 --> 00:17:06.323 No friggin' way. 201 00:17:11.156 --> 00:17:13.776 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 202 00:17:14.076 --> 00:17:17.366 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 203 00:17:17.412 --> 00:17:19.292 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 204 00:17:19.331 --> 00:17:22.001 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 205 00:17:22.668 --> 00:17:23.958 Hey, wait! 206 00:17:25.587 --> 00:17:26.757 You're my hero. 207 00:17:26.797 --> 00:17:29.297 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 208 00:17:31.176 --> 00:17:33.466 Nope. Never will be. 209 00:17:34.096 --> 00:17:35.346 Fuck you, Wade. 210 00:17:35.681 --> 00:17:39.181 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 211 00:17:40.644 --> 00:17:42.234 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 212 00:17:42.521 --> 00:17:44.611 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 213 00:17:45.274 --> 00:17:47.324 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 214 00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:50.069 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 215 00:17:50.112 --> 00:17:53.162 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 216 00:17:53.198 --> 00:17:55.028 Buck! Liefeld... 217 00:17:55.367 --> 00:17:56.367 Hey, Wade! 218 00:17:56.702 --> 00:17:59.332 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 219 00:17:59.872 --> 00:18:01.122 I'd love a Blow Job. 220 00:18:01.373 --> 00:18:02.673 Oh, God, me too. 221 00:18:02.708 --> 00:18:04.708 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 222 00:18:06.378 --> 00:18:08.418 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 223 00:18:08.463 --> 00:18:10.303 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 224 00:18:10.340 --> 00:18:11.340 Orlovsky. 225 00:18:11.383 --> 00:18:12.343 Yeah, her. 226 00:18:12.384 --> 00:18:13.644 You sure? 227 00:18:13.886 --> 00:18:16.346 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 228 00:18:16.388 --> 00:18:18.308 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 229 00:18:18.348 --> 00:18:20.268 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 230 00:18:20.309 --> 00:18:21.689 Just a little light stalking. 231 00:18:21.727 --> 00:18:23.187 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 232 00:18:23.228 --> 00:18:25.148 I was traveling to exotic places... 233 00:18:25.189 --> 00:18:29.189 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 234 00:18:29.651 --> 00:18:31.531 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 235 00:18:31.904 --> 00:18:34.284 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 236 00:18:34.323 --> 00:18:35.873 That's classified. 237 00:18:35.908 --> 00:18:38.198 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 238 00:18:38.243 --> 00:18:40.543 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 239 00:18:40.579 --> 00:18:41.869 whipped cream. 240 00:18:41.914 --> 00:18:44.004 I give you a Blow Job. 241 00:18:44.499 --> 00:18:45.879 Why do you make me make that? 242 00:18:45.918 --> 00:18:47.708 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 243 00:18:47.753 --> 00:18:51.213 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 244 00:18:51.256 --> 00:18:53.546 Remind me what good will come of this? 245 00:18:53.592 --> 00:18:55.642 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 246 00:18:55.677 --> 00:18:56.677 Boothe! 247 00:18:57.054 --> 00:18:58.224 - Easy, man. - Hold up! Hold up! 248 00:18:58.263 --> 00:18:59.263 What you want? 249 00:19:02.100 --> 00:19:04.390 - Cheers. To your health. - Fuck you. 250 00:19:04.895 --> 00:19:07.065 Come here, you fat fuck! 251 00:19:07.105 --> 00:19:08.565 That's a new stool. 252 00:19:13.445 --> 00:19:14.895 Stay the fuck down. 253 00:19:17.574 --> 00:19:19.244 Whoa! Took his ass out! 254 00:19:19.284 --> 00:19:21.204 All right, move. Move, move, move. 255 00:19:21.245 --> 00:19:22.295 Buck, go rest. 256 00:19:23.622 --> 00:19:24.912 Boothe got hit then went down. 257 00:19:28.710 --> 00:19:31.380 Yeah, he's still breathing. 258 00:19:34.049 --> 00:19:35.589 Nobody wins today. 259 00:19:35.634 --> 00:19:37.264 Nice try, Wade. 260 00:19:37.302 --> 00:19:40.932 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 261 00:19:40.973 --> 00:19:42.933 Yeah, Wade, about that... 262 00:19:43.433 --> 00:19:44.433 No. 263 00:19:44.643 --> 00:19:46.483 You did not bet on me to die. 264 00:19:48.856 --> 00:19:52.896 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 265 00:19:53.318 --> 00:19:55.608 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 266 00:19:55.654 --> 00:19:57.914 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 267 00:19:57.948 --> 00:20:00.778 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 268 00:20:00.826 --> 00:20:02.116 I never win anything. 269 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:03.290 Whatever. 270 00:20:03.328 --> 00:20:04.908 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 271 00:20:07.332 --> 00:20:09.252 Domestic, nothing imported. 272 00:20:13.297 --> 00:20:17.177 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 273 00:20:19.469 --> 00:20:20.469 Tight. 274 00:20:22.139 --> 00:20:24.099 - Vanessa. - Wade. 275 00:20:24.433 --> 00:20:26.603 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 276 00:20:27.978 --> 00:20:29.228 I'd hit that. 277 00:20:30.522 --> 00:20:32.322 Buck, you best apologize before... 278 00:20:33.066 --> 00:20:34.856 Yeah, that. 279 00:20:34.902 --> 00:20:36.572 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 280 00:20:36.612 --> 00:20:38.492 - I'm sorry. - Breathe through the nose. 281 00:20:38.530 --> 00:20:40.700 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 282 00:20:40.741 --> 00:20:41.991 Let go. Okay. Hey... 283 00:20:42.743 --> 00:20:45.253 - Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. - I'm working on it. 284 00:20:45.287 --> 00:20:47.247 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 285 00:20:47.831 --> 00:20:50.251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 286 00:20:51.793 --> 00:20:52.843 Merchandise? 287 00:20:53.337 --> 00:20:55.797 So you... 288 00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:57.259 bump fuzzies for money? 289 00:20:57.299 --> 00:20:58.049 Yep. 290 00:20:58.091 --> 00:20:59.341 Rough childhood? 291 00:20:59.384 --> 00:21:00.434 Rougher than yours. 292 00:21:00.469 --> 00:21:02.049 Daddy left before I was born. 293 00:21:02.679 --> 00:21:04.219 Daddy left before I was conceived. 294 00:21:05.432 --> 00:21:07.072 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 295 00:21:07.142 --> 00:21:08.482 Where else do you put one out? 296 00:21:08.519 --> 00:21:09.809 I was molested. 297 00:21:09.853 --> 00:21:11.563 Me too. Uncle. 298 00:21:11.605 --> 00:21:13.905 Uncles. They took turns. 299 00:21:14.191 --> 00:21:16.821 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 300 00:21:16.860 --> 00:21:18.240 which also happens to be my... 301 00:21:18.278 --> 00:21:21.108 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 302 00:21:21.949 --> 00:21:23.239 You had a dishwasher. 303 00:21:23.700 --> 00:21:24.870 I didn't even know sleep. 304 00:21:24.910 --> 00:21:28.160 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 305 00:21:32.209 --> 00:21:33.459 Who would do such a thing? 306 00:21:35.128 --> 00:21:38.588 Hopefully you, later tonight? 307 00:21:41.426 --> 00:21:46.346 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 308 00:21:47.558 --> 00:21:49.268 a Yogurtland rewards card? 309 00:21:49.309 --> 00:21:51.939 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 310 00:21:53.397 --> 00:21:55.147 And a low-fat dessert. 311 00:22:02.155 --> 00:22:04.445 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 312 00:22:05.784 --> 00:22:07.914 It's time to put balls in holes. 313 00:22:08.954 --> 00:22:10.464 You said whatever I want. 314 00:22:11.290 --> 00:22:12.290 I get it. 315 00:22:12.583 --> 00:22:14.133 You love skee ball. 316 00:22:14.168 --> 00:22:16.458 Apparently more than you love vagina. 317 00:22:16.503 --> 00:22:17.963 That's a tough call. 318 00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:21.129 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 319 00:22:21.175 --> 00:22:25.015 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 320 00:22:25.429 --> 00:22:26.429 Balls in holes. 321 00:22:27.306 --> 00:22:28.306 Balls in holes. 322 00:22:28.515 --> 00:22:29.925 Prepare to lose tragically. 323 00:22:29.975 --> 00:22:31.105 Bring it, big man. 324 00:22:31.143 --> 00:22:32.143 Okay. 325 00:22:38.483 --> 00:22:42.863 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 326 00:22:43.322 --> 00:22:45.822 Okay. Here we go. 327 00:22:46.783 --> 00:22:48.913 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 328 00:22:48.952 --> 00:22:50.792 And I will take the pencil eraser. 329 00:22:50.829 --> 00:22:52.249 Okay. 330 00:22:52.289 --> 00:22:55.079 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 331 00:22:55.125 --> 00:22:57.085 And you can erase stuff... 332 00:22:57.127 --> 00:22:58.457 written in pencil. 333 00:22:58.837 --> 00:23:00.257 M'lady? 334 00:23:00.297 --> 00:23:01.627 Well, I hate to break it to you... 335 00:23:01.673 --> 00:23:03.513 but your 48 minutes are up. 336 00:23:04.009 --> 00:23:06.799 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 337 00:23:06.845 --> 00:23:11.345 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 338 00:23:11.683 --> 00:23:14.813 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 339 00:23:14.853 --> 00:23:15.813 Deal. 340 00:23:15.854 --> 00:23:18.154 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 341 00:23:19.233 --> 00:23:20.233 Cuddle? 342 00:23:24.363 --> 00:23:25.863 How long can you keep this up? 343 00:23:26.323 --> 00:23:27.323 All year? 344 00:23:37.835 --> 00:23:39.715 Happy Valentine's Day. 345 00:23:47.344 --> 00:23:48.974 Happy Chinese New Year. 346 00:23:49.012 --> 00:23:50.352 Year of the Dog. 347 00:23:55.561 --> 00:23:56.731 Relax. 348 00:23:57.312 --> 00:23:59.402 And Happy International Women's Day. 349 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:07.069 No. No. No. 350 00:24:09.408 --> 00:24:10.578 Happy Lent. 351 00:24:15.831 --> 00:24:17.121 - Wade? - Sorry. 352 00:24:17.165 --> 00:24:18.495 Happy Halloween. 353 00:24:18.876 --> 00:24:19.876 Happy Halloween. 354 00:24:29.511 --> 00:24:31.221 Happy Thanksgiving. 355 00:24:33.223 --> 00:24:34.433 I love you. 356 00:24:38.228 --> 00:24:40.308 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 357 00:24:40.355 --> 00:24:42.015 and your right leg is Christmas... 358 00:24:43.358 --> 00:24:44.858 can I visit you between the holidays? 359 00:24:46.778 --> 00:24:48.608 That sweater is terrible. 360 00:24:49.615 --> 00:24:51.325 But red looks good on you. 361 00:24:51.366 --> 00:24:52.486 Red's your color. 362 00:24:52.534 --> 00:24:54.294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 363 00:24:55.204 --> 00:24:56.414 Listen, I've been thinking... 364 00:24:56.455 --> 00:24:57.455 Really? 365 00:24:58.123 --> 00:24:59.793 ...about why we're so good together. 366 00:25:00.209 --> 00:25:01.289 Why's that? 367 00:25:03.295 --> 00:25:05.805 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 368 00:25:08.050 --> 00:25:10.930 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 369 00:25:11.303 --> 00:25:13.723 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 370 00:25:14.723 --> 00:25:15.723 Right. 371 00:25:16.225 --> 00:25:17.315 Wade... 372 00:25:17.976 --> 00:25:20.556 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 373 00:25:20.604 --> 00:25:23.114 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 374 00:25:25.234 --> 00:25:26.284 Will you... 375 00:25:27.486 --> 00:25:29.396 - stick it in my... - Marry me? 376 00:25:32.407 --> 00:25:33.407 Jinx? 377 00:25:35.285 --> 00:25:36.445 Where were you hiding that? 378 00:25:36.495 --> 00:25:37.505 Nowhere. 379 00:25:38.580 --> 00:25:40.250 They say one month's salary. So... 380 00:25:40.290 --> 00:25:41.290 You mean? 381 00:25:41.333 --> 00:25:42.463 I do. 382 00:25:42.501 --> 00:25:43.501 That's my line. 383 00:25:46.839 --> 00:25:48.469 I love you, Wade Wilson. 384 00:25:49.299 --> 00:25:50.629 You're supposed to... So that's a... 385 00:25:50.676 --> 00:25:51.676 Yes! 386 00:25:52.928 --> 00:25:54.008 Yes! 387 00:25:56.139 --> 00:25:57.599 I feel just like a little girl. 388 00:26:02.938 --> 00:26:05.268 What if I just held on and never let go? 389 00:26:05.315 --> 00:26:07.855 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 390 00:26:08.861 --> 00:26:10.361 Star Wars jokes. 391 00:26:10.821 --> 00:26:12.031 Empire. 392 00:26:13.490 --> 00:26:16.700 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 393 00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:22.039 Hey. 394 00:26:23.125 --> 00:26:24.135 Perfect. 395 00:26:28.297 --> 00:26:29.797 - Let's see. - All right, wee break. 396 00:26:29.840 --> 00:26:31.130 Shake it, yeah. 397 00:26:37.389 --> 00:26:38.519 Here's the thing. 398 00:26:38.891 --> 00:26:40.851 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 399 00:26:40.893 --> 00:26:44.403 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 400 00:26:45.355 --> 00:26:48.065 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 401 00:26:50.527 --> 00:26:53.777 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 402 00:26:53.822 --> 00:26:54.822 What the... 403 00:26:55.699 --> 00:26:56.829 Oh, my God. Wade? 404 00:27:03.123 --> 00:27:04.373 You're clowning. 405 00:27:04.875 --> 00:27:06.255 You're not clowning? 406 00:27:06.668 --> 00:27:07.668 I sense clowns. 407 00:27:08.086 --> 00:27:11.586 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 408 00:27:11.632 --> 00:27:16.182 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 409 00:27:20.724 --> 00:27:21.854 So what do we do? 410 00:27:22.476 --> 00:27:24.686 Surely there is something we can do. 411 00:27:25.854 --> 00:27:28.484 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 412 00:27:28.524 --> 00:27:31.074 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 413 00:27:31.109 --> 00:27:35.359 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 414 00:27:35.656 --> 00:27:39.196 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 415 00:27:39.868 --> 00:27:42.248 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 416 00:27:42.621 --> 00:27:43.461 Or the last. 417 00:27:43.497 --> 00:27:44.997 Mr. Wilson... 418 00:27:45.040 --> 00:27:46.460 Mr. Wilson? 419 00:27:46.875 --> 00:27:49.165 Take your time to process this. 420 00:27:50.212 --> 00:27:52.132 It's important not to do anything rash. 421 00:28:03.684 --> 00:28:08.944 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 422 00:28:34.423 --> 00:28:38.803 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 423 00:28:38.844 --> 00:28:42.314 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 424 00:28:43.974 --> 00:28:45.644 His form looks good. 425 00:28:47.769 --> 00:28:51.559 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 426 00:28:52.149 --> 00:28:54.479 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 427 00:28:54.526 --> 00:28:56.776 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 428 00:28:57.821 --> 00:28:59.281 Giving him the business. 429 00:28:59.865 --> 00:29:00.865 Incoming! 430 00:29:01.909 --> 00:29:05.659 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 431 00:29:11.001 --> 00:29:14.671 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 432 00:29:15.255 --> 00:29:17.215 Ringing any bells? No? 433 00:29:22.179 --> 00:29:23.429 How about now? 434 00:29:27.434 --> 00:29:29.604 Wade fucking Wilson. 435 00:29:32.105 --> 00:29:33.395 Well, hello, gorgeous. 436 00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:36.440 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 437 00:29:36.485 --> 00:29:39.655 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 438 00:29:39.696 --> 00:29:41.736 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 439 00:29:41.782 --> 00:29:44.782 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 440 00:29:45.118 --> 00:29:46.748 I'm actually quite jealous. 441 00:29:46.787 --> 00:29:49.037 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 442 00:29:51.124 --> 00:29:55.254 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 443 00:29:57.673 --> 00:29:58.673 Dad? 444 00:30:02.052 --> 00:30:06.472 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 445 00:30:07.516 --> 00:30:09.476 Well, maybe not the most. 446 00:30:11.061 --> 00:30:13.731 This is my most prized possession. 447 00:30:14.398 --> 00:30:15.358 Wham? 448 00:30:15.399 --> 00:30:17.229 No, no, no. Wham! 449 00:30:17.818 --> 00:30:21.238 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 450 00:30:22.281 --> 00:30:25.201 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 451 00:30:25.242 --> 00:30:26.832 Think of it like spring cleaning. 452 00:30:26.869 --> 00:30:28.159 Only if spring was death. 453 00:30:28.203 --> 00:30:32.173 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 454 00:30:33.208 --> 00:30:34.668 Sounds like you do. 455 00:30:35.502 --> 00:30:39.462 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 456 00:30:39.506 --> 00:30:40.506 Drink. 457 00:30:40.716 --> 00:30:43.466 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 458 00:30:43.510 --> 00:30:44.710 All things I can live without. 459 00:30:46.972 --> 00:30:48.972 You belong here at home. 460 00:30:49.016 --> 00:30:52.636 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 461 00:30:53.979 --> 00:30:57.439 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 462 00:30:59.109 --> 00:31:05.369 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 463 00:31:06.116 --> 00:31:10.656 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 464 00:31:12.039 --> 00:31:13.669 I want you to remember me. 465 00:31:15.209 --> 00:31:17.039 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 466 00:31:17.085 --> 00:31:18.875 Well, I wanna remember us. 467 00:31:19.338 --> 00:31:21.008 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 468 00:31:21.048 --> 00:31:24.218 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 469 00:31:24.259 --> 00:31:25.679 Wham! 470 00:31:29.056 --> 00:31:32.056 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 471 00:31:34.645 --> 00:31:36.025 We can fight this. 472 00:31:39.191 --> 00:31:41.361 Besides, I just realized something. 473 00:31:42.194 --> 00:31:47.324 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 474 00:31:51.745 --> 00:31:52.745 I love you. 475 00:32:04.424 --> 00:32:05.554 Wade. 476 00:32:07.761 --> 00:32:08.971 Weas. 477 00:32:09.012 --> 00:32:11.562 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 478 00:32:11.598 --> 00:32:13.728 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 479 00:32:13.767 --> 00:32:15.437 How about three shots of Patrón? 480 00:32:15.477 --> 00:32:19.227 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 481 00:32:19.273 --> 00:32:20.653 Excellent for the immune system. 482 00:32:20.691 --> 00:32:22.781 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 483 00:32:22.818 --> 00:32:23.988 Here, check it out. 484 00:32:24.027 --> 00:32:27.487 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 485 00:32:27.531 --> 00:32:29.281 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 486 00:32:29.741 --> 00:32:32.701 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 487 00:32:32.744 --> 00:32:35.504 You got China and Central Mexico. 488 00:32:35.956 --> 00:32:38.206 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 489 00:32:38.250 --> 00:32:39.290 No. 490 00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:41.670 El Cáncer. 491 00:32:41.712 --> 00:32:43.552 I could have guessed that. 492 00:32:43.922 --> 00:32:45.472 Look how happy you look here. 493 00:32:45.507 --> 00:32:49.507 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 494 00:32:50.012 --> 00:32:51.972 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 495 00:32:52.014 --> 00:32:54.724 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 496 00:32:54.766 --> 00:32:56.346 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 497 00:32:59.146 --> 00:33:01.816 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 498 00:33:01.857 --> 00:33:04.727 Real Grim Reaper type. 499 00:33:04.776 --> 00:33:06.736 I don't know. Might further the plot. 500 00:33:10.741 --> 00:33:11.831 Boothe. 501 00:33:11.867 --> 00:33:12.947 Wade. 502 00:33:18.332 --> 00:33:19.332 Mr. Wilson. 503 00:33:19.750 --> 00:33:20.920 How can I help you? 504 00:33:20.959 --> 00:33:23.669 Besides luring children into a panel van. 505 00:33:23.712 --> 00:33:27.382 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 506 00:33:27.424 --> 00:33:28.554 Stalker alert. 507 00:33:28.592 --> 00:33:30.762 It's my job. Recruitment. 508 00:33:31.512 --> 00:33:33.932 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 509 00:33:35.057 --> 00:33:37.347 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 510 00:33:37.392 --> 00:33:39.732 41 confirmed kills. 511 00:33:40.270 --> 00:33:41.690 One every seven weeks. 512 00:33:41.730 --> 00:33:43.610 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 513 00:33:44.775 --> 00:33:46.035 It's to wash the taste out. 514 00:33:46.318 --> 00:33:49.528 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 515 00:33:49.571 --> 00:33:53.661 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 516 00:33:53.700 --> 00:33:55.240 People change. What do you want? 517 00:33:55.619 --> 00:33:58.659 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 518 00:34:00.624 --> 00:34:04.294 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 519 00:34:04.920 --> 00:34:09.010 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 520 00:34:12.678 --> 00:34:16.768 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 521 00:34:16.807 --> 00:34:18.427 More Shake Weight-y. 522 00:34:18.475 --> 00:34:21.475 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 523 00:34:21.520 --> 00:34:23.690 We won't just make you better. 524 00:34:23.730 --> 00:34:26.690 We will make you better than better. 525 00:34:27.734 --> 00:34:28.994 A superhero. 526 00:34:29.319 --> 00:34:34.319 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 527 00:34:34.783 --> 00:34:37.413 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 528 00:34:39.830 --> 00:34:42.670 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 529 00:34:47.671 --> 00:34:48.881 His drink's on him. 530 00:34:54.553 --> 00:34:56.303 What did he say? 531 00:35:18.952 --> 00:35:20.542 Hey, what's going on? 532 00:35:21.538 --> 00:35:23.038 Hey. Sorry. 533 00:35:24.499 --> 00:35:26.499 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 534 00:35:27.377 --> 00:35:30.547 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 535 00:35:38.263 --> 00:35:42.483 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 536 00:35:43.477 --> 00:35:46.647 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 537 00:36:01.036 --> 00:36:04.656 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 538 00:36:05.040 --> 00:36:07.920 but what it does to the people you love. 539 00:36:08.210 --> 00:36:10.920 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 540 00:36:10.963 --> 00:36:13.513 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 541 00:36:17.678 --> 00:36:19.928 Isn't that what superheroes do? 542 00:36:32.276 --> 00:36:36.316 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 543 00:36:38.240 --> 00:36:41.200 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 544 00:36:41.243 --> 00:36:42.623 Local dry cleaning discounts. 545 00:36:42.661 --> 00:36:46.711 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 546 00:36:46.748 --> 00:36:49.918 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 547 00:36:49.960 --> 00:36:51.670 You know, I can hear you. 548 00:36:51.712 --> 00:36:54.882 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 549 00:36:54.923 --> 00:36:56.633 Stay right here. 550 00:36:57.009 --> 00:36:59.089 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 551 00:36:59.386 --> 00:37:03.006 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 552 00:37:03.056 --> 00:37:05.266 You will both be coming with us. 553 00:37:05.309 --> 00:37:09.229 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 554 00:37:09.271 --> 00:37:11.111 And you are? 555 00:37:12.733 --> 00:37:14.573 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 556 00:37:14.610 --> 00:37:18.070 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 557 00:37:18.113 --> 00:37:19.863 That's the coolest name ever! 558 00:37:21.408 --> 00:37:24.038 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 559 00:37:24.077 --> 00:37:25.577 No. Trainee. 560 00:37:25.621 --> 00:37:27.081 Let me guess. 561 00:37:27.122 --> 00:37:29.622 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 562 00:37:29.666 --> 00:37:30.786 What does that make you? 563 00:37:30.834 --> 00:37:33.254 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 564 00:37:33.295 --> 00:37:34.555 Can we trade names? 565 00:37:35.214 --> 00:37:36.214 Can we go? 566 00:37:36.256 --> 00:37:38.626 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 567 00:37:38.675 --> 00:37:40.885 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 568 00:37:40.928 --> 00:37:43.138 I'm all about long sullen silences... 569 00:37:43.180 --> 00:37:46.640 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 570 00:37:47.059 --> 00:37:50.439 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 571 00:37:50.479 --> 00:37:53.019 or mean comment? Go on. 572 00:37:54.274 --> 00:37:55.574 You got me in a box here. 573 00:37:56.610 --> 00:37:58.570 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 574 00:37:58.612 --> 00:38:00.072 Please, come quietly. 575 00:38:00.113 --> 00:38:02.413 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 576 00:38:02.449 --> 00:38:03.449 That's not nice. 577 00:38:03.492 --> 00:38:05.092 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 578 00:38:05.327 --> 00:38:09.747 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 579 00:38:09.790 --> 00:38:12.330 He's pure evil. 580 00:38:12.709 --> 00:38:15.999 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 581 00:38:21.301 --> 00:38:23.601 That guy was already up there when I got here. 582 00:38:23.637 --> 00:38:26.807 Wade, you are better than this. 583 00:38:26.849 --> 00:38:30.349 - Join us. Use your powers for good. - Heads up. 584 00:38:30.394 --> 00:38:31.814 Be a superhero. 585 00:38:31.854 --> 00:38:32.774 Listen! 586 00:38:32.813 --> 00:38:35.173 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 587 00:38:35.524 --> 00:38:38.614 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 588 00:38:38.652 --> 00:38:43.532 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 589 00:38:43.574 --> 00:38:45.334 on that day... 590 00:38:45.576 --> 00:38:47.616 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 591 00:38:47.661 --> 00:38:50.161 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 592 00:38:50.205 --> 00:38:52.955 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 593 00:38:53.000 --> 00:38:54.250 - Wade... - Hey. 594 00:38:54.293 --> 00:38:55.503 Zip it, Sinéad! 595 00:38:55.544 --> 00:38:56.674 Hey, douche-pool! 596 00:38:56.712 --> 00:38:57.922 And I hope you're watching... 597 00:39:02.676 --> 00:39:04.426 Quite unfortunate. 598 00:39:07.806 --> 00:39:10.056 That does it! 599 00:39:14.438 --> 00:39:15.808 Canada! 600 00:39:17.107 --> 00:39:18.227 That's not good. 601 00:39:18.275 --> 00:39:19.365 Wade, please. 602 00:39:19.401 --> 00:39:20.401 Cock shot! 603 00:39:22.487 --> 00:39:24.027 Your poor wife. 604 00:39:24.072 --> 00:39:25.872 You really should stop. 605 00:39:29.453 --> 00:39:31.833 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 606 00:39:36.502 --> 00:39:38.712 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 607 00:39:38.754 --> 00:39:39.924 This is embarrassing. 608 00:39:40.672 --> 00:39:42.472 Please, stay down. 609 00:39:43.592 --> 00:39:46.012 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 610 00:39:46.053 --> 00:39:47.513 Do you have off switch? 611 00:39:47.554 --> 00:39:50.354 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 612 00:39:50.390 --> 00:39:51.390 Enough! 613 00:40:01.026 --> 00:40:02.896 Let us go talk to the Professor. 614 00:40:03.403 --> 00:40:05.203 McAvoy or Stewart? 615 00:40:05.239 --> 00:40:07.449 These timelines are so confusing. 616 00:40:08.784 --> 00:40:11.454 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 617 00:40:11.495 --> 00:40:13.045 You will recover, Wade. 618 00:40:13.330 --> 00:40:14.960 You always do. 619 00:40:19.461 --> 00:40:22.881 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 620 00:40:26.635 --> 00:40:27.805 Oh, my God. 621 00:40:27.845 --> 00:40:28.895 Nasty. 622 00:40:32.015 --> 00:40:34.095 There's the money shot, baby. 623 00:40:34.560 --> 00:40:36.520 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 624 00:40:47.447 --> 00:40:49.867 Rock, meet bottom. 625 00:40:50.367 --> 00:40:53.367 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 626 00:40:53.620 --> 00:40:57.870 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 627 00:40:57.916 --> 00:41:01.166 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 628 00:41:01.211 --> 00:41:04.261 This? Well, this was mine. 629 00:41:04.798 --> 00:41:06.258 Mr. Wilson. 630 00:41:07.634 --> 00:41:12.184 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 631 00:41:12.222 --> 00:41:13.932 You finally hit "fuck it." 632 00:41:15.100 --> 00:41:17.100 Just promise you'll do right by me. 633 00:41:17.769 --> 00:41:19.769 So I can do right by someone else. 634 00:41:19.813 --> 00:41:20.983 Of course. 635 00:41:21.732 --> 00:41:23.482 And please don't make the super-suit green. 636 00:41:24.776 --> 00:41:26.276 Or animated. 637 00:41:32.784 --> 00:41:35.834 Move it! Keep moving. 638 00:41:46.465 --> 00:41:48.595 This place seems sanitary. 639 00:41:49.343 --> 00:41:51.593 My first request is warmer hands. 640 00:41:52.137 --> 00:41:55.427 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 641 00:41:56.975 --> 00:41:58.935 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 642 00:41:59.186 --> 00:42:01.016 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 643 00:42:05.317 --> 00:42:06.527 Easy. 644 00:42:08.529 --> 00:42:10.819 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 645 00:42:11.615 --> 00:42:12.995 I'm calling wang. 646 00:42:16.870 --> 00:42:18.120 What's up with the matches? 647 00:42:18.372 --> 00:42:21.122 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 648 00:42:22.668 --> 00:42:23.958 Patience, Angel. 649 00:42:24.878 --> 00:42:26.628 All in good time. 650 00:42:26.672 --> 00:42:28.592 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 651 00:42:30.175 --> 00:42:31.425 We have another talker. 652 00:42:31.468 --> 00:42:33.298 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 653 00:42:33.345 --> 00:42:35.505 Shut the fuck up. 654 00:42:38.851 --> 00:42:40.811 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 655 00:42:41.770 --> 00:42:43.860 I manage this workshop. 656 00:42:44.940 --> 00:42:48.230 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 657 00:42:48.277 --> 00:42:51.907 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 658 00:42:51.947 --> 00:42:54.237 But I've grown blunt. 659 00:42:54.283 --> 00:42:56.913 This workshop is not a government-led program. 660 00:42:56.952 --> 00:43:00.622 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 661 00:43:00.664 --> 00:43:04.004 into men of extraordinary abilities. 662 00:43:05.627 --> 00:43:08.877 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 663 00:43:09.798 --> 00:43:10.798 Wrong. 664 00:43:11.300 --> 00:43:15.390 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 665 00:43:15.637 --> 00:43:19.557 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 666 00:43:25.022 --> 00:43:28.322 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 667 00:43:29.067 --> 00:43:30.487 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 668 00:43:31.653 --> 00:43:34.203 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 669 00:43:34.740 --> 00:43:37.240 The treatment affects everyone differently. 670 00:43:37.576 --> 00:43:40.406 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 671 00:43:40.746 --> 00:43:44.746 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 672 00:43:45.250 --> 00:43:48.210 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 673 00:43:49.922 --> 00:43:53.762 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 674 00:44:02.267 --> 00:44:05.057 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 675 00:44:05.354 --> 00:44:07.114 You have something in your teeth. 676 00:44:08.023 --> 00:44:10.233 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 677 00:44:10.275 --> 00:44:13.185 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 678 00:44:15.197 --> 00:44:17.617 It's been bothering me for a long time. 679 00:44:19.076 --> 00:44:20.116 Made you look. 680 00:44:20.410 --> 00:44:23.870 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 681 00:44:23.914 --> 00:44:25.044 What is it really? 682 00:44:25.082 --> 00:44:27.502 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 683 00:44:27.543 --> 00:44:29.133 Mitch? The Rickster? 684 00:44:29.795 --> 00:44:31.305 Is it Basil Fawlty? 685 00:44:31.630 --> 00:44:33.130 Joke away. 686 00:44:33.590 --> 00:44:36.470 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 687 00:44:36.969 --> 00:44:38.259 We'll see about that. 688 00:44:38.303 --> 00:44:39.643 I suppose we will. 689 00:44:40.973 --> 00:44:42.563 He's all yours. 690 00:44:42.599 --> 00:44:43.809 Come on. 691 00:44:44.309 --> 00:44:47.439 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 692 00:44:51.817 --> 00:44:53.897 This is how it's going to work. 693 00:44:53.944 --> 00:44:56.954 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 694 00:44:57.573 --> 00:45:00.083 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 695 00:45:01.827 --> 00:45:06.657 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 696 00:45:10.961 --> 00:45:13.801 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 697 00:45:15.632 --> 00:45:18.342 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 698 00:45:21.013 --> 00:45:23.353 until you finally mutate. 699 00:45:24.975 --> 00:45:26.185 Or die. 700 00:45:33.025 --> 00:45:34.655 You mean like a bucket list? 701 00:45:34.693 --> 00:45:36.993 Like a fuck-it list. 702 00:45:37.029 --> 00:45:39.699 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 703 00:45:40.282 --> 00:45:42.162 Pass it to me right after. 704 00:45:42.201 --> 00:45:48.161 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 705 00:45:49.208 --> 00:45:52.338 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 706 00:45:52.836 --> 00:45:55.706 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 707 00:45:56.006 --> 00:45:59.126 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 708 00:46:03.805 --> 00:46:07.225 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 709 00:46:10.646 --> 00:46:12.686 Vanessa. 710 00:46:16.193 --> 00:46:18.573 I wanna see Vanessa. 711 00:46:18.612 --> 00:46:20.032 You're lovely. 712 00:46:20.072 --> 00:46:23.492 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 713 00:46:23.534 --> 00:46:24.664 We were just joking. 714 00:46:24.701 --> 00:46:27.001 No, no. It's okay. 715 00:46:28.080 --> 00:46:29.750 I encourage distractions. 716 00:46:30.499 --> 00:46:32.879 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 717 00:46:32.918 --> 00:46:34.748 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 718 00:46:35.712 --> 00:46:38.092 How tough can he be... 719 00:46:38.131 --> 00:46:41.051 with a name like Francis? 720 00:46:41.635 --> 00:46:42.765 Francis? 721 00:46:43.053 --> 00:46:44.473 That's his legal name. 722 00:46:45.097 --> 00:46:48.557 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 723 00:46:50.602 --> 00:46:54.192 F-R-A-N-C-I... 724 00:46:54.690 --> 00:46:56.020 Oops! 725 00:46:57.818 --> 00:47:00.698 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 726 00:47:02.614 --> 00:47:05.034 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 727 00:47:05.075 --> 00:47:06.485 You are so relentlessly annoying. 728 00:47:06.535 --> 00:47:07.585 Thanks. 729 00:47:07.619 --> 00:47:08.869 Never heard that before. 730 00:47:08.912 --> 00:47:12.172 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 731 00:47:12.207 --> 00:47:14.207 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 732 00:47:16.003 --> 00:47:17.753 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 733 00:47:17.796 --> 00:47:21.046 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 734 00:47:21.091 --> 00:47:24.051 is that you can't really step it up from there. 735 00:47:26.680 --> 00:47:29.020 Is that what you think? 736 00:47:34.313 --> 00:47:36.823 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 737 00:47:37.649 --> 00:47:38.939 nothing will. 738 00:47:39.359 --> 00:47:42.359 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 739 00:47:42.404 --> 00:47:45.034 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 740 00:47:45.324 --> 00:47:48.494 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 741 00:47:49.161 --> 00:47:50.291 then we'll turn up the O2. 742 00:47:51.330 --> 00:47:52.750 If your heart rate slows... 743 00:47:52.789 --> 00:47:55.499 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 744 00:47:55.542 --> 00:47:56.922 we'll turn it back down. 745 00:47:57.544 --> 00:48:01.214 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 746 00:48:01.590 --> 00:48:03.880 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 747 00:48:03.926 --> 00:48:06.336 You know the funniest part of this? 748 00:48:07.095 --> 00:48:09.465 You still think we're making you a superhero. 749 00:48:10.307 --> 00:48:13.767 You. A dishonorable discharge. 750 00:48:14.520 --> 00:48:16.560 Hip-deep in hookers. 751 00:48:17.272 --> 00:48:18.902 You're nothing. 752 00:48:19.858 --> 00:48:21.318 Little secret, Wade. 753 00:48:22.152 --> 00:48:26.242 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 754 00:48:27.324 --> 00:48:31.084 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 755 00:48:31.870 --> 00:48:33.390 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 756 00:48:34.081 --> 00:48:37.541 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 757 00:48:39.711 --> 00:48:42.551 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 758 00:48:43.048 --> 00:48:45.508 What the fuck is wrong with you? 759 00:48:50.764 --> 00:48:53.604 You're never going home after this. 760 00:48:53.642 --> 00:48:55.852 Now there's a brave face. 761 00:48:56.895 --> 00:48:58.435 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 762 00:49:00.774 --> 00:49:04.694 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 763 00:49:06.613 --> 00:49:07.993 Enjoy your weekend. 764 00:49:08.365 --> 00:49:10.075 "Weekend"? Back up. 765 00:49:10.117 --> 00:49:11.327 Weekend? 766 00:49:53.035 --> 00:49:55.125 Did I say this was a love story? 767 00:49:55.162 --> 00:49:57.622 No, it's a horror movie. 768 00:50:14.097 --> 00:50:16.267 Fucking hell. 769 00:50:16.308 --> 00:50:19.558 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 770 00:50:19.603 --> 00:50:21.693 What have you done to me? 771 00:50:21.730 --> 00:50:25.110 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 772 00:50:25.150 --> 00:50:27.280 You sadistic fuck! 773 00:50:27.986 --> 00:50:29.486 I've cured you, Wade. 774 00:50:30.322 --> 00:50:31.962 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 775 00:50:33.075 --> 00:50:35.835 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 776 00:50:37.079 --> 00:50:39.659 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 777 00:50:40.958 --> 00:50:41.998 I could cure them... 778 00:50:45.587 --> 00:50:47.257 but where's the fun in that? 779 00:50:49.591 --> 00:50:52.141 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 780 00:50:53.929 --> 00:50:55.889 Not because I need to. 781 00:50:59.852 --> 00:51:01.562 Because I want to. 782 00:51:16.034 --> 00:51:17.244 Oh, well. 783 00:51:17.286 --> 00:51:18.496 Go ahead. 784 00:51:21.707 --> 00:51:23.537 You smell like shit. 785 00:51:26.837 --> 00:51:27.877 Motherfucker. 786 00:51:28.797 --> 00:51:30.717 It's all right, it's all right. 787 00:51:31.800 --> 00:51:33.550 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 788 00:51:33.802 --> 00:51:36.182 You take off. Go on. 789 00:51:36.972 --> 00:51:38.312 Off you go. 790 00:51:49.318 --> 00:51:50.898 Quick question. 791 00:51:53.197 --> 00:51:55.237 What's my name? 792 00:52:00.996 --> 00:52:02.326 Didn't think so. 793 00:52:04.208 --> 00:52:06.918 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 794 00:54:03.368 --> 00:54:04.828 You don't want to kill me. 795 00:54:04.870 --> 00:54:07.120 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 796 00:55:03.846 --> 00:55:05.426 What's my name? 797 00:55:11.603 --> 00:55:12.773 Wade. 798 00:56:20.130 --> 00:56:23.170 I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer... 799 00:56:24.676 --> 00:56:27.346 I got the cure to el everything. 800 00:56:31.016 --> 00:56:33.266 But there was only one thing... 801 00:56:33.310 --> 00:56:34.940 that really mattered. 802 00:57:04.383 --> 00:57:05.433 Come on, let's go. 803 00:57:10.764 --> 00:57:13.524 Oh, that must hurt. 804 00:57:14.518 --> 00:57:15.978 Thank you so much. 805 00:57:27.906 --> 00:57:30.156 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 806 00:57:30.200 --> 00:57:31.620 Look at his face. 807 00:57:31.660 --> 00:57:34.040 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 808 00:57:34.079 --> 00:57:35.209 Honey, don't stare. 809 00:57:35.247 --> 00:57:36.407 Freak. 810 00:57:56.768 --> 00:58:00.108 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 811 00:58:00.397 --> 00:58:02.937 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 812 00:58:02.983 --> 00:58:04.323 Bullshit! 813 00:58:04.359 --> 00:58:07.609 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 814 00:58:07.654 --> 00:58:10.204 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 815 00:58:11.992 --> 00:58:12.992 Do you like what you see? 816 00:58:13.202 --> 00:58:14.372 No. 817 00:58:14.870 --> 00:58:18.830 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 818 00:58:19.249 --> 00:58:20.039 Yeah. 819 00:58:20.083 --> 00:58:22.173 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 820 00:58:22.211 --> 00:58:24.131 There was something wrong with the relationship... 821 00:58:24.171 --> 00:58:27.801 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 822 00:58:27.841 --> 00:58:30.431 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 823 00:58:30.469 --> 00:58:33.179 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 824 00:58:33.222 --> 00:58:35.142 And he's gone. Poof! 825 00:58:35.182 --> 00:58:36.892 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 826 00:58:36.934 --> 00:58:39.984 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 827 00:58:40.020 --> 00:58:41.270 Damn straight. 828 00:58:41.313 --> 00:58:43.193 - Find Francis. - Star in horror films. 829 00:58:43.232 --> 00:58:44.192 What? 830 00:58:44.233 --> 00:58:46.443 Star in your own horror films. 831 00:58:46.485 --> 00:58:50.325 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 832 00:58:51.156 --> 00:58:52.906 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 833 00:58:52.950 --> 00:58:55.620 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 834 00:58:55.661 --> 00:58:58.041 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 835 00:58:58.080 --> 00:58:59.750 and fuck the brain hole. 836 00:58:59.790 --> 00:59:02.920 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 837 00:59:02.960 --> 00:59:05.170 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 838 00:59:05.212 --> 00:59:05.922 Yeah. 839 00:59:05.963 --> 00:59:07.843 That's good. You should keep it that way. 840 00:59:07.881 --> 00:59:09.551 What, like, wear a mask? 841 00:59:09.591 --> 00:59:12.551 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 842 00:59:13.303 --> 00:59:14.303 I am sorry... 843 00:59:14.346 --> 00:59:16.966 you are haunting. 844 00:59:17.015 --> 00:59:18.925 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 845 00:59:18.976 --> 00:59:20.346 Like a testicle with teeth. 846 00:59:20.394 --> 00:59:22.154 You will die alone. 847 00:59:22.187 --> 00:59:23.807 I mean, if you could die. 848 00:59:24.439 --> 00:59:26.399 Ideally, for others' sake. 849 00:59:26.441 --> 00:59:27.691 That'll do. 850 00:59:27.985 --> 00:59:29.785 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 851 00:59:29.820 --> 00:59:31.700 like Wade the Wisecracker... 852 00:59:32.114 --> 00:59:35.244 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 853 00:59:36.118 --> 00:59:37.118 Shit. 854 00:59:37.703 --> 00:59:38.793 What? 855 00:59:39.621 --> 00:59:41.621 I put all my money on you and now... 856 00:59:41.665 --> 00:59:43.255 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 857 00:59:43.292 --> 00:59:44.292 Dead pool. 858 00:59:48.172 --> 00:59:50.472 Captain Deadpool. 859 00:59:52.342 --> 00:59:53.472 No, just... 860 00:59:53.510 --> 00:59:55.260 - Just Deadpool, yeah. - Just Deadpool. 861 00:59:55.304 --> 00:59:57.264 To you, Mr. Pool. 862 00:59:57.556 --> 01:00:00.056 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 863 01:00:14.656 --> 01:00:16.736 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 864 01:00:17.826 --> 01:00:18.826 Where's Francis? 865 01:00:33.091 --> 01:00:34.761 Where's Francis? 866 01:00:42.935 --> 01:00:44.855 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 867 01:00:46.188 --> 01:00:49.108 Or wear red. Dumbass. 868 01:01:07.835 --> 01:01:09.295 Don't make me ask twice. 869 01:01:10.671 --> 01:01:12.051 Where... 870 01:01:12.089 --> 01:01:14.219 is Francis? 871 01:01:14.800 --> 01:01:16.510 He made me ask twice. 872 01:01:16.552 --> 01:01:18.552 Is the mask muffling my voice? 873 01:01:23.350 --> 01:01:24.810 Where's Francis? 874 01:01:27.437 --> 01:01:29.267 Where the fuck is Francis? 875 01:01:37.948 --> 01:01:41.328 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 876 01:01:41.368 --> 01:01:42.578 Where's Francis? 877 01:01:43.996 --> 01:01:45.116 No! Please! 878 01:01:45.747 --> 01:01:49.207 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 879 01:01:49.751 --> 01:01:52.381 You little spider monkey! 880 01:01:55.465 --> 01:01:58.925 Where... is... Francis? 881 01:02:00.095 --> 01:02:01.345 This is confusing. 882 01:02:01.388 --> 01:02:04.348 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 883 01:02:04.391 --> 01:02:06.691 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 884 01:02:07.060 --> 01:02:08.980 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 885 01:02:10.564 --> 01:02:13.824 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 886 01:02:14.443 --> 01:02:16.073 In five minutes! 887 01:02:26.205 --> 01:02:27.965 Don't hesitate to call me. 888 01:02:43.597 --> 01:02:45.767 Nice to see you, Jared. 889 01:02:46.934 --> 01:02:48.394 I'll take the footlong... 890 01:02:48.894 --> 01:02:49.894 fully loaded. 891 01:03:05.327 --> 01:03:06.947 41 confirmed kills. 892 01:03:06.995 --> 01:03:09.405 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 893 01:03:10.165 --> 01:03:11.455 Mr. Wilson? 894 01:03:13.252 --> 01:03:15.422 You're looking very alive. 895 01:03:16.255 --> 01:03:17.305 Only on the outside. 896 01:03:17.965 --> 01:03:20.885 - This is not going to end well for me, is it? - This is not gonna end well for you, no. 897 01:03:20.926 --> 01:03:22.086 Where's your boss? 898 01:03:22.135 --> 01:03:23.755 I can tell you exactly... 899 01:03:25.472 --> 01:03:27.352 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 900 01:03:27.933 --> 01:03:30.233 You might wanna look away for this. 901 01:03:30.269 --> 01:03:31.549 Now this little piggy went to... 902 01:03:33.647 --> 01:03:35.937 Thank you, Agent Smith. 903 01:03:39.528 --> 01:03:40.528 Taxi! 904 01:03:42.030 --> 01:03:44.280 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 905 01:03:46.285 --> 01:03:47.725 And we all know how this turned out. 906 01:03:50.622 --> 01:03:52.832 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 907 01:04:00.799 --> 01:04:02.629 There. All caught up. 908 01:04:10.559 --> 01:04:12.479 We're here. 909 01:04:13.395 --> 01:04:16.475 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 910 01:04:22.738 --> 01:04:24.818 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 911 01:04:26.992 --> 01:04:29.542 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 912 01:04:29.578 --> 01:04:34.668 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 913 01:04:35.334 --> 01:04:39.844 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 914 01:04:40.672 --> 01:04:44.932 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 915 01:04:45.344 --> 01:04:46.894 God, I miss cocaine. 916 01:04:47.513 --> 01:04:48.513 Her. 917 01:04:49.348 --> 01:04:51.928 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 918 01:04:52.184 --> 01:04:54.734 That's like 16 walls. 919 01:04:55.270 --> 01:05:00.690 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 920 01:05:00.734 --> 01:05:02.404 And I think she's in love with me. 921 01:05:02.861 --> 01:05:06.241 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 922 01:05:16.250 --> 01:05:17.250 Al? 923 01:05:19.670 --> 01:05:20.920 Morning, sleepyhead. 924 01:05:22.548 --> 01:05:24.718 It smells like old lady pants in here. 925 01:05:24.758 --> 01:05:26.718 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 926 01:05:26.760 --> 01:05:28.350 But you're no lady. 927 01:05:29.513 --> 01:05:31.183 So comfy. 928 01:05:31.932 --> 01:05:34.982 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 929 01:05:35.018 --> 01:05:36.518 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 930 01:05:36.562 --> 01:05:37.562 Yes, I know. 931 01:05:38.063 --> 01:05:40.733 Downside of being blind... 932 01:05:40.774 --> 01:05:42.944 I hear everything in this duplex. 933 01:05:45.279 --> 01:05:46.529 Sit on a stick. 934 01:05:46.572 --> 01:05:47.572 Bactin? 935 01:05:47.614 --> 01:05:51.704 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 936 01:05:52.911 --> 01:05:56.751 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 937 01:05:56.790 --> 01:05:59.750 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 938 01:05:59.793 --> 01:06:01.673 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 939 01:06:02.337 --> 01:06:04.957 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 940 01:06:05.007 --> 01:06:08.507 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 941 01:06:09.636 --> 01:06:11.926 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 942 01:06:12.264 --> 01:06:13.144 Screw, please. 943 01:06:13.182 --> 01:06:14.562 Here? Now? Just kidding. 944 01:06:14.600 --> 01:06:15.810 I know it's been decades. 945 01:06:15.851 --> 01:06:16.981 You'd be surprised. 946 01:06:17.686 --> 01:06:18.766 Pretty grossed out. 947 01:06:20.772 --> 01:06:23.192 Ta... Da. 948 01:06:28.989 --> 01:06:32.119 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 949 01:06:32.534 --> 01:06:35.164 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 950 01:06:35.204 --> 01:06:36.334 "Must be good with hands." 951 01:06:36.371 --> 01:06:38.621 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 952 01:06:38.665 --> 01:06:40.535 Why such a douche this morning? 953 01:06:41.293 --> 01:06:42.423 Let's recap. 954 01:06:42.461 --> 01:06:44.801 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 955 01:06:44.838 --> 01:06:46.458 slipped through my arms today... 956 01:06:48.133 --> 01:06:49.343 Arm. 957 01:06:49.801 --> 01:06:52.931 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 958 01:06:52.971 --> 01:06:55.271 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 959 01:06:55.307 --> 01:06:59.057 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 960 01:07:00.979 --> 01:07:02.519 #driveby. 961 01:07:19.998 --> 01:07:21.998 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 962 01:07:24.336 --> 01:07:26.206 Fucking Wade Wilson. 963 01:07:27.172 --> 01:07:29.512 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 964 01:07:30.175 --> 01:07:31.715 I only wish I healed the same. 965 01:07:35.681 --> 01:07:38.481 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 966 01:07:38.517 --> 01:07:39.767 On our terms. 967 01:07:40.185 --> 01:07:41.935 Right. And when he heals? 968 01:07:42.938 --> 01:07:44.058 He can't. 969 01:07:44.106 --> 01:07:46.686 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 970 01:07:46.733 --> 01:07:50.703 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 971 01:07:52.114 --> 01:07:53.534 I like a challenge. 972 01:07:54.867 --> 01:07:57.037 But he's bad for business. 973 01:07:57.077 --> 01:07:58.787 Now let's go find him. 974 01:08:03.250 --> 01:08:04.670 Tylenol PM? 975 01:08:04.710 --> 01:08:07.210 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 976 01:08:07.629 --> 01:08:10.049 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 977 01:08:10.090 --> 01:08:14.050 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 978 01:08:16.889 --> 01:08:18.969 But I appreciate the gesture. 979 01:08:19.892 --> 01:08:24.352 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 980 01:08:24.396 --> 01:08:26.146 About the size of a KFC spork. 981 01:08:28.317 --> 01:08:30.527 I get why you're so pissy... 982 01:08:30.569 --> 01:08:33.569 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 983 01:08:33.614 --> 01:08:35.034 and tell her how you feel. 984 01:08:35.073 --> 01:08:38.453 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 985 01:08:38.493 --> 01:08:40.203 If you could see me, you'd understand. 986 01:08:40.245 --> 01:08:41.365 Looks aren't everything. 987 01:08:41.413 --> 01:08:42.543 Looks are everything. 988 01:08:42.581 --> 01:08:44.711 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 989 01:08:44.750 --> 01:08:46.750 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 990 01:08:47.169 --> 01:08:50.419 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 991 01:08:50.464 --> 01:08:51.884 Love is blind, Wade. 992 01:08:51.924 --> 01:08:52.924 No. 993 01:08:53.926 --> 01:08:55.176 You're blind. 994 01:08:55.844 --> 01:08:58.764 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 995 01:08:58.805 --> 01:09:00.885 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 996 01:09:00.933 --> 01:09:03.413 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 997 01:09:03.852 --> 01:09:06.522 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 998 01:09:07.189 --> 01:09:09.609 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 999 01:09:10.943 --> 01:09:13.653 Go, go, go. 1000 01:09:14.196 --> 01:09:17.156 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 1001 01:09:17.199 --> 01:09:18.779 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1002 01:09:18.825 --> 01:09:20.735 The doctor says, "Five." 1003 01:09:20.786 --> 01:09:22.406 The guy says, "Five what?" 1004 01:09:22.454 --> 01:09:26.334 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1005 01:09:33.507 --> 01:09:35.047 Can I help you ladies? 1006 01:09:37.636 --> 01:09:38.796 I do hope so. 1007 01:09:43.016 --> 01:09:47.146 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1008 01:09:47.688 --> 01:09:48.688 Name of Wade Wilson. 1009 01:09:50.232 --> 01:09:51.362 Sorry. 1010 01:09:51.400 --> 01:09:52.980 I don't know the name. 1011 01:10:00.325 --> 01:10:02.655 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1012 01:10:06.373 --> 01:10:08.293 I've seen this girl. 1013 01:10:08.333 --> 01:10:10.843 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1014 01:10:15.591 --> 01:10:17.341 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1015 01:10:17.926 --> 01:10:20.506 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1016 01:10:21.930 --> 01:10:23.680 Easy, Angel. 1017 01:10:23.724 --> 01:10:25.104 Put the little man down. 1018 01:10:26.685 --> 01:10:28.435 We have everything we need now. 1019 01:10:28.854 --> 01:10:29.904 You sure? 1020 01:10:30.606 --> 01:10:33.686 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1021 01:10:33.734 --> 01:10:36.404 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1022 01:10:40.073 --> 01:10:41.783 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1023 01:10:46.788 --> 01:10:51.078 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1024 01:10:51.960 --> 01:10:53.630 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1025 01:10:54.129 --> 01:10:57.009 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1026 01:10:57.049 --> 01:10:59.179 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1027 01:10:59.218 --> 01:11:01.018 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1028 01:11:01.053 --> 01:11:02.053 Fuck me! 1029 01:11:02.387 --> 01:11:04.307 Maybe not start with that. 1030 01:11:10.229 --> 01:11:13.519 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1031 01:11:13.565 --> 01:11:15.725 give it up for Chastity! 1032 01:11:19.571 --> 01:11:21.911 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1033 01:11:21.949 --> 01:11:24.079 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1034 01:11:24.117 --> 01:11:25.617 How do you know she's in here? 1035 01:11:25.661 --> 01:11:28.791 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1036 01:11:53.772 --> 01:11:57.282 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1037 01:11:58.110 --> 01:12:00.280 Especially from this angle. 1038 01:12:23.802 --> 01:12:27.812 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1039 01:12:30.851 --> 01:12:33.521 You weak motherfucker! 1040 01:12:34.313 --> 01:12:35.313 Come on! 1041 01:12:36.523 --> 01:12:39.823 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1042 01:12:43.989 --> 01:12:45.319 Here we go. 1043 01:12:47.910 --> 01:12:49.490 Maximum effort. 1044 01:12:53.040 --> 01:12:54.170 Vanessa. 1045 01:12:56.668 --> 01:13:00.838 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1046 01:13:28.200 --> 01:13:29.280 I knew it was you. 1047 01:13:31.119 --> 01:13:33.039 The weird, curvy edges. 1048 01:13:34.623 --> 01:13:36.463 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1049 01:13:46.552 --> 01:13:48.392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1050 01:13:57.396 --> 01:13:58.936 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1051 01:13:59.898 --> 01:14:02.438 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1052 01:14:30.470 --> 01:14:32.220 Motherfucker! 1053 01:14:32.264 --> 01:14:34.604 - Wait, wait. Let's... Just... - Cock juggling... 1054 01:14:34.641 --> 01:14:36.561 - We can talk about what we're gonna... - Jiminy! Fuck face! 1055 01:14:36.602 --> 01:14:37.892 Okay, or you can hit that. 1056 01:14:37.936 --> 01:14:39.766 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Fuck! Fuck! 1057 01:14:39.813 --> 01:14:42.483 - No, no. All right. Hey! - Fuck! Fuck! 1058 01:14:42.941 --> 01:14:43.981 - Fuck! - Hey. 1059 01:14:45.027 --> 01:14:47.107 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1060 01:14:47.154 --> 01:14:48.494 Okay. I think that's a good start. 1061 01:14:48.530 --> 01:14:50.620 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1062 01:14:50.657 --> 01:14:51.657 Wait. 1063 01:14:51.700 --> 01:14:53.200 - Find it! Find it. - What? 1064 01:14:53.243 --> 01:14:54.843 - I'm gonna get angry. - Okay. All right. 1065 01:14:55.078 --> 01:14:56.868 All right. Okay. All right. 1066 01:14:56.914 --> 01:14:58.254 Here. This is Vanessa. 1067 01:14:58.290 --> 01:15:00.330 - What? - No, wait. It's Francis. 1068 01:15:00.375 --> 01:15:01.995 He wants you to come to him. 1069 01:15:02.294 --> 01:15:04.464 - What is that? - That's the shit emoji. 1070 01:15:04.838 --> 01:15:06.968 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1071 01:15:07.007 --> 01:15:09.337 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1072 01:15:10.052 --> 01:15:11.262 I need guns. 1073 01:15:11.303 --> 01:15:12.473 Okay, which ones? 1074 01:15:12.513 --> 01:15:13.643 I need all the guns! 1075 01:15:13.680 --> 01:15:14.890 All right. Okay. 1076 01:15:35.577 --> 01:15:37.037 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1077 01:15:37.996 --> 01:15:40.036 We all know what I can do with 12. 1078 01:15:40.457 --> 01:15:42.667 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1079 01:15:42.709 --> 01:15:43.789 We're downrange. 1080 01:15:45.254 --> 01:15:48.804 I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest. 1081 01:15:49.967 --> 01:15:52.797 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje. 1082 01:15:52.845 --> 01:15:54.855 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1083 01:15:54.888 --> 01:15:57.678 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1084 01:15:57.724 --> 01:15:59.484 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1085 01:15:59.852 --> 01:16:01.352 Up, up, up. 1086 01:16:02.771 --> 01:16:03.901 Down, down, down. 1087 01:16:03.939 --> 01:16:04.939 Fuck you. 1088 01:16:06.775 --> 01:16:09.485 .45 cal. I like it. 1089 01:16:11.655 --> 01:16:12.915 Wade... 1090 01:16:14.116 --> 01:16:16.826 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1091 01:16:21.373 --> 01:16:22.543 Listen, Al... 1092 01:16:23.625 --> 01:16:28.795 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1093 01:16:29.715 --> 01:16:34.845 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1094 01:16:34.887 --> 01:16:37.677 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1095 01:16:43.187 --> 01:16:44.477 You wanna get fucked up? 1096 01:16:54.573 --> 01:16:56.073 Put her down over here. 1097 01:17:06.293 --> 01:17:07.503 Go on then. 1098 01:17:09.922 --> 01:17:12.512 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1099 01:17:12.966 --> 01:17:16.296 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1100 01:17:16.345 --> 01:17:19.605 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1101 01:17:19.640 --> 01:17:21.180 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1102 01:17:21.225 --> 01:17:24.895 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1103 01:17:24.937 --> 01:17:26.267 Like a cockroach... 1104 01:17:26.313 --> 01:17:27.613 but uglier. 1105 01:17:28.649 --> 01:17:32.109 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1106 01:17:33.195 --> 01:17:35.235 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1107 01:17:43.997 --> 01:17:45.497 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1108 01:17:46.124 --> 01:17:47.964 Fuck, you're old. 1109 01:17:49.628 --> 01:17:52.088 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1110 01:17:52.130 --> 01:17:53.510 Go get Silver Balls. 1111 01:17:53.549 --> 01:17:55.799 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1112 01:17:55.843 --> 01:17:58.683 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1113 01:17:58.804 --> 01:18:02.144 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1114 01:18:02.724 --> 01:18:04.644 He's got my girl. 1115 01:18:04.685 --> 01:18:06.065 You're gonna help me get her back. 1116 01:18:06.478 --> 01:18:08.308 Wade? Is that you? 1117 01:18:08.355 --> 01:18:12.775 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1118 01:18:15.487 --> 01:18:16.647 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1119 01:18:16.697 --> 01:18:18.777 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1120 01:18:18.824 --> 01:18:22.124 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1121 01:18:25.664 --> 01:18:27.124 And that is why, in my opinion... 1122 01:18:27.165 --> 01:18:30.375 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1123 01:18:30.878 --> 01:18:32.668 Who brought this twinkly man? 1124 01:18:32.713 --> 01:18:34.803 Twinkly, but deadly. 1125 01:18:34.840 --> 01:18:38.890 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1126 01:18:39.469 --> 01:18:43.469 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1127 01:18:43.515 --> 01:18:44.805 It's not boy band. 1128 01:18:44.850 --> 01:18:45.890 Sure it's not. 1129 01:18:47.227 --> 01:18:48.897 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1130 01:18:49.688 --> 01:18:52.148 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1131 01:18:52.191 --> 01:18:55.821 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1132 01:18:56.486 --> 01:18:58.196 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1133 01:19:04.077 --> 01:19:05.077 Dopinder? 1134 01:19:07.039 --> 01:19:08.039 What was that? 1135 01:19:10.083 --> 01:19:15.713 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1136 01:19:16.381 --> 01:19:17.671 Ban who? 1137 01:19:17.716 --> 01:19:20.506 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1138 01:19:20.552 --> 01:19:22.222 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1139 01:19:22.262 --> 01:19:26.062 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1140 01:19:27.392 --> 01:19:29.062 I did not tell him to do that. 1141 01:19:29.102 --> 01:19:31.812 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1142 01:19:31.855 --> 01:19:35.065 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1143 01:19:35.108 --> 01:19:36.228 I'm so proud of you. 1144 01:19:36.276 --> 01:19:38.566 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1145 01:19:38.612 --> 01:19:39.532 Kill him. 1146 01:19:39.571 --> 01:19:41.701 And then, win Gita back... 1147 01:19:41.740 --> 01:19:44.530 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1148 01:19:44.576 --> 01:19:45.906 Kidnap her. 1149 01:19:47.454 --> 01:19:48.624 He's super dead. 1150 01:19:54.086 --> 01:19:55.706 I presume a crisp high five? 1151 01:19:55.754 --> 01:19:57.094 For you? 10. 1152 01:19:58.590 --> 01:20:01.380 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1153 01:20:01.426 --> 01:20:03.296 You know what to do. 1154 01:20:04.263 --> 01:20:06.893 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1155 01:20:08.100 --> 01:20:10.100 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1156 01:20:11.603 --> 01:20:13.233 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1157 01:20:13.272 --> 01:20:16.232 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1158 01:20:16.275 --> 01:20:20.455 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1159 01:20:20.487 --> 01:20:24.657 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1160 01:20:37.629 --> 01:20:38.959 Hey. 1161 01:20:39.006 --> 01:20:40.296 Where's your duffle bag? 1162 01:20:59.151 --> 01:21:00.571 Bandhu? 1163 01:21:02.112 --> 01:21:04.242 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1164 01:21:04.281 --> 01:21:05.621 God damn it! 1165 01:21:05.657 --> 01:21:07.367 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1166 01:21:07.409 --> 01:21:10.829 with two swords and maximum effort. 1167 01:21:11.830 --> 01:21:12.830 Cue the music. 1168 01:21:29.014 --> 01:21:31.474 Wade Wilson! 1169 01:21:32.017 --> 01:21:33.637 What's my name? 1170 01:21:34.269 --> 01:21:35.849 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1171 01:21:38.190 --> 01:21:39.270 Go get some. 1172 01:21:39.316 --> 01:21:40.476 Superhero landing. 1173 01:21:40.526 --> 01:21:42.526 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1174 01:21:47.157 --> 01:21:48.317 Superhero landing! 1175 01:21:48.867 --> 01:21:49.947 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1176 01:21:50.285 --> 01:21:51.725 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1177 01:21:52.204 --> 01:21:55.504 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1178 01:21:55.541 --> 01:21:56.751 That's why I brought him. 1179 01:21:56.792 --> 01:22:00.002 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1180 01:22:07.219 --> 01:22:10.309 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1181 01:22:11.849 --> 01:22:14.019 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1182 01:22:14.059 --> 01:22:15.639 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1183 01:22:15.686 --> 01:22:17.016 There you go. Hashtag it. 1184 01:22:18.397 --> 01:22:20.227 Go get her, tiger. 1185 01:22:26.905 --> 01:22:30.655 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1186 01:22:31.368 --> 01:22:32.908 All right, then. Fire! 1187 01:22:44.673 --> 01:22:46.303 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1188 01:22:46.341 --> 01:22:47.381 Language, please. 1189 01:22:47.426 --> 01:22:48.586 Suck a cock. 1190 01:23:14.620 --> 01:23:16.290 Look away, child. 1191 01:23:17.039 --> 01:23:18.369 Look away! 1192 01:23:25.714 --> 01:23:27.054 Wait! 1193 01:23:27.090 --> 01:23:28.260 Wait! 1194 01:23:28.300 --> 01:23:29.300 Cease fire! 1195 01:23:29.343 --> 01:23:30.683 Cease fire! 1196 01:23:30.719 --> 01:23:32.179 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1197 01:23:33.555 --> 01:23:37.265 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1198 01:23:37.309 --> 01:23:41.349 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1199 01:23:41.396 --> 01:23:44.396 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1200 01:23:44.441 --> 01:23:47.901 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1201 01:23:49.947 --> 01:23:51.237 Fine. 1202 01:23:51.281 --> 01:23:52.281 Commando! 1203 01:25:04.396 --> 01:25:05.396 Teabag! 1204 01:25:09.902 --> 01:25:10.902 Bob? 1205 01:25:11.945 --> 01:25:12.895 Wade? 1206 01:25:12.946 --> 01:25:14.236 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1207 01:25:14.281 --> 01:25:16.571 - Jacksonville. Fridays. - Since TGI Fridays. 1208 01:25:17.367 --> 01:25:19.077 Well, what the hell! 1209 01:25:19.661 --> 01:25:21.161 God, come here, you. 1210 01:25:23.332 --> 01:25:25.292 How are the kids? Good? 1211 01:25:25.834 --> 01:25:27.754 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1212 01:25:27.794 --> 01:25:30.594 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1213 01:25:37.304 --> 01:25:40.644 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1214 01:25:40.682 --> 01:25:41.732 That is so sweet. 1215 01:25:43.185 --> 01:25:44.185 Thanks. 1216 01:25:56.365 --> 01:25:59.955 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1217 01:26:00.327 --> 01:26:01.697 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1218 01:26:03.330 --> 01:26:04.330 Fire! 1219 01:26:11.713 --> 01:26:13.173 Hey! 1220 01:26:13.507 --> 01:26:14.507 Climb on! 1221 01:26:51.503 --> 01:26:53.053 Motherfucking... 1222 01:27:04.433 --> 01:27:06.893 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1223 01:27:09.688 --> 01:27:10.858 You were right, beautiful. 1224 01:27:11.732 --> 01:27:13.442 Red really is my color. 1225 01:27:14.359 --> 01:27:15.319 Wade? 1226 01:27:15.360 --> 01:27:16.360 Don't worry, baby... 1227 01:27:16.695 --> 01:27:18.695 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1228 01:27:19.198 --> 01:27:21.408 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1229 01:27:21.450 --> 01:27:23.370 Oh, you never left. 1230 01:27:23.410 --> 01:27:25.540 But you did, asshole! 1231 01:27:25.579 --> 01:27:27.039 Deep breath, darling. 1232 01:27:28.582 --> 01:27:29.712 Oh, wait. 1233 01:27:30.834 --> 01:27:32.384 Wrong choice of words. 1234 01:27:34.588 --> 01:27:37.468 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1235 01:27:37.508 --> 01:27:38.588 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1236 01:27:40.010 --> 01:27:42.050 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1237 01:27:42.554 --> 01:27:43.554 When I'm finished... 1238 01:27:43.680 --> 01:27:45.520 parts will have to grow back you. 1239 01:27:45.557 --> 01:27:46.677 Good one. 1240 01:27:47.601 --> 01:27:49.521 Yep, that was a good one. 1241 01:27:49.561 --> 01:27:50.561 Let's dance. 1242 01:27:51.897 --> 01:27:53.147 And by dance, I mean... 1243 01:27:53.190 --> 01:27:54.350 let's try to kill each other. 1244 01:28:48.954 --> 01:28:51.164 Fine. Fists. 1245 01:28:51.456 --> 01:28:53.286 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1246 01:30:15.207 --> 01:30:17.287 Asshole! 1247 01:31:13.640 --> 01:31:14.640 Hang in there, baby! 1248 01:31:15.142 --> 01:31:17.102 - Wade! - I gotcha! 1249 01:31:20.522 --> 01:31:22.482 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1250 01:31:33.118 --> 01:31:34.238 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1251 01:31:40.209 --> 01:31:42.709 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1252 01:31:58.727 --> 01:31:59.807 Damn it! 1253 01:32:00.729 --> 01:32:03.609 Maximum effort! 1254 01:32:45.941 --> 01:32:46.941 Thanks. 1255 01:32:51.864 --> 01:32:53.534 Just take it slow. 1256 01:33:03.959 --> 01:33:06.589 Oh, my God! That was so... 1257 01:33:37.618 --> 01:33:39.198 There are no words! 1258 01:33:40.245 --> 01:33:43.865 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1259 01:33:44.625 --> 01:33:45.635 What? 1260 01:33:48.170 --> 01:33:50.880 You stupid fucking idiot. 1261 01:33:51.423 --> 01:33:55.973 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1262 01:33:57.888 --> 01:33:58.888 What? 1263 01:33:59.264 --> 01:34:00.354 You heard me. 1264 01:34:02.142 --> 01:34:03.312 No. 1265 01:34:03.352 --> 01:34:04.602 No! 1266 01:34:11.777 --> 01:34:14.777 So, you mean to say... 1267 01:34:15.572 --> 01:34:19.832 after all this, you can't fix me? 1268 01:34:20.410 --> 01:34:22.540 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1269 01:34:22.579 --> 01:34:27.669 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1270 01:34:31.505 --> 01:34:33.345 Any last words? 1271 01:34:35.217 --> 01:34:36.297 What's my name? 1272 01:34:37.427 --> 01:34:38.717 Who fucking cares? 1273 01:34:38.762 --> 01:34:39.762 Wade! 1274 01:34:41.181 --> 01:34:43.561 Four or five moments. 1275 01:34:44.142 --> 01:34:45.142 I'm sorry? 1276 01:34:45.185 --> 01:34:47.555 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1277 01:34:48.272 --> 01:34:49.272 To? 1278 01:34:50.315 --> 01:34:51.645 Be a hero. 1279 01:34:53.652 --> 01:34:56.402 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1280 01:34:56.446 --> 01:35:00.026 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1281 01:35:00.826 --> 01:35:02.616 Not true. 1282 01:35:02.661 --> 01:35:07.831 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1283 01:35:08.208 --> 01:35:10.708 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1284 01:35:10.752 --> 01:35:14.922 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1285 01:35:15.716 --> 01:35:18.336 spare an enemy. 1286 01:35:18.760 --> 01:35:20.140 In these moments... 1287 01:35:20.929 --> 01:35:23.809 everything else falls away. 1288 01:35:24.516 --> 01:35:27.056 The way the world sees us. 1289 01:35:27.436 --> 01:35:28.436 The way we... 1290 01:35:32.691 --> 01:35:33.691 Why? 1291 01:35:34.943 --> 01:35:36.993 You were droning on. 1292 01:35:37.029 --> 01:35:40.069 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1293 01:35:40.115 --> 01:35:42.905 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1294 01:35:43.160 --> 01:35:45.790 If wearing superhero tights... 1295 01:35:46.246 --> 01:35:47.706 means sparing psychopaths... 1296 01:35:47.748 --> 01:35:49.918 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1297 01:35:49.958 --> 01:35:52.418 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1298 01:35:52.461 --> 01:35:53.631 Just promise... 1299 01:35:53.670 --> 01:35:57.420 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1300 01:35:57.466 --> 01:35:59.086 Oh, shit. 1301 01:35:59.134 --> 01:36:05.104 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1302 01:36:05.140 --> 01:36:06.470 and tell her... 1303 01:36:06.517 --> 01:36:08.597 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1304 01:36:08.644 --> 01:36:11.904 Well, you better figure it out. 1305 01:36:13.357 --> 01:36:14.647 I can't even tell you... 1306 01:36:14.691 --> 01:36:15.781 I deserved that. That, too. 1307 01:36:16.527 --> 01:36:18.277 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1308 01:36:18.320 --> 01:36:20.110 Start talking! 1309 01:36:22.157 --> 01:36:23.737 I'm sorry. 1310 01:36:23.992 --> 01:36:25.452 I'm so sorry. 1311 01:36:26.286 --> 01:36:28.826 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1312 01:36:30.332 --> 01:36:32.422 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1313 01:36:32.459 --> 01:36:34.539 It's been rough couple of years. 1314 01:36:34.586 --> 01:36:35.586 Rough? 1315 01:36:43.053 --> 01:36:44.893 I live in a crackhouse. 1316 01:36:46.139 --> 01:36:47.469 With a family of 12. 1317 01:36:49.226 --> 01:36:50.766 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1318 01:36:50.811 --> 01:36:53.861 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1319 01:36:53.897 --> 01:36:59.737 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1320 01:37:07.870 --> 01:37:10.040 So, you live in a house. 1321 01:37:18.881 --> 01:37:21.841 I should have come and found you sooner. 1322 01:37:23.302 --> 01:37:27.262 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1323 01:37:31.643 --> 01:37:32.853 You mean this mask? 1324 01:37:52.998 --> 01:37:54.578 And this one. 1325 01:37:56.043 --> 01:37:57.843 In case the other fell off. 1326 01:38:00.797 --> 01:38:03.087 All right. Yeah, just... 1327 01:38:03.133 --> 01:38:04.843 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1328 01:38:04.885 --> 01:38:07.105 Owdie 5,000. 1329 01:38:07.137 --> 01:38:08.137 Wait, wait, wait... 1330 01:38:10.057 --> 01:38:11.307 Are you sure? 1331 01:38:13.185 --> 01:38:14.195 I'm sure. 1332 01:38:24.696 --> 01:38:25.696 Wow. 1333 01:38:26.949 --> 01:38:28.069 Yeah. 1334 01:38:34.998 --> 01:38:36.328 Hey... 1335 01:38:38.585 --> 01:38:40.335 After a brief adjustment period... 1336 01:38:40.879 --> 01:38:42.799 and a bunch of drinks... 1337 01:38:44.216 --> 01:38:46.176 it's a face... 1338 01:38:50.639 --> 01:38:52.269 I'd be happy to sit on. 1339 01:38:59.731 --> 01:39:03.441 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1340 01:39:03.485 --> 01:39:04.485 No. 1341 01:39:04.820 --> 01:39:06.780 Super-penis. 1342 01:39:06.822 --> 01:39:08.702 Come on, Wade. Language. 1343 01:39:08.949 --> 01:39:10.329 Young one is present. 1344 01:39:11.410 --> 01:39:13.290 What are you still doing? 1345 01:39:13.328 --> 01:39:16.038 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1346 01:39:16.081 --> 01:39:18.881 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1347 01:39:18.917 --> 01:39:20.667 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1348 01:39:20.711 --> 01:39:22.671 And you, chicken noodle... 1349 01:39:22.713 --> 01:39:24.513 nothing compares to you. 1350 01:39:24.548 --> 01:39:26.628 Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1351 01:39:26.675 --> 01:39:29.385 That's all right. You're cool. 1352 01:39:31.305 --> 01:39:33.015 What in the ass? 1353 01:39:33.056 --> 01:39:36.096 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1354 01:39:36.518 --> 01:39:39.688 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1355 01:39:39.730 --> 01:39:42.860 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1356 01:39:42.900 --> 01:39:45.110 coming together to form one super robot. 1357 01:39:45.986 --> 01:39:47.196 There's a stupid. 1358 01:39:47.237 --> 01:39:48.277 Yeah. 1359 01:39:51.742 --> 01:39:56.122 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1360 01:39:59.875 --> 01:40:01.005 Come here. 1361 01:40:10.886 --> 01:40:13.846 Wham! As promised. 1362 01:40:26.902 --> 01:40:28.072 See? 1363 01:40:28.111 --> 01:40:31.701 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1364 01:40:31.740 --> 01:40:34.620 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1365 01:40:35.118 --> 01:40:38.618 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1366 01:40:38.664 --> 01:40:40.254 There we go, that looks nice. 1367 01:40:40.290 --> 01:40:42.670 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1368 01:40:42.709 --> 01:40:46.089 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1369 01:40:46.129 --> 01:40:49.969 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1370 01:40:50.008 --> 01:40:55.888 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1371 01:47:05.843 --> 01:47:07.393 You're still here? 1372 01:47:10.013 --> 01:47:13.063 It's over. Go home. 1373 01:47:14.726 --> 01:47:19.056 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1374 01:47:20.107 --> 01:47:23.147 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1375 01:47:23.193 --> 01:47:25.863 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1376 01:47:25.904 --> 01:47:27.534 Go. Go. 1377 01:47:33.787 --> 01:47:36.327 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1378 01:47:36.373 --> 01:47:39.583 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1379 01:47:39.626 --> 01:47:42.046 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1380 01:47:42.087 --> 01:47:44.377 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1381 01:47:44.423 --> 01:47:47.723 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1382 01:47:47.759 --> 01:47:50.259 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1383 01:47:50.304 --> 01:47:51.724 Anyway, big secret. 1384 01:47:51.763 --> 01:47:56.273 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1385 01:47:57.227 --> 01:48:05.227 Go. 1385 01:48:06.305 --> 01:48:12.841 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org