1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Shop this shows fashion, download the 
"LookLive" app in iTunes

2
00:00:48,817 --> 00:00:52,838
<i>Subrip:
Pix</i>

3
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:24,051
Hey, sir... Come back!

4
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,499
Wait!

5
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,151
I've gotta get out of here.

6
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,053
Boo, boo, boo,
hey, hey, hey.

7
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:02,956
-Girl, you got that list of questions?
-Yes.

8
00:02:02,988 --> 00:02:06,125
I think I have
everything that I need.

9
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,960
Be happy you ain't
got this chlamydia.

10
00:02:07,994 --> 00:02:09,829
Girl, I tried
to take a piss earlier.

11
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,291
<i>It was like there was
an angry dragon inside</i>

12
00:02:12,292 --> 00:02:14,467
<i>my snatch, like some
Game of Thrones shit!</i>

13
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:16,770
That's terrible, Kateesha.

14
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,405
I can't help it when a
tall, athletic brother

15
00:02:19,437 --> 00:02:21,541
come pushing up
on this thickness.

16
00:02:21,573 --> 00:02:24,009
Yeah... Shit.

17
00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:28,114
God, girl, I thank God
every motherfuckin' day

18
00:02:28,146 --> 00:02:31,251
that the Supersonics
moved to Oklahoma... Shit.

19
00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:37,156
Okay, um, I'm gonna go so I won't
be late for your interview.

20
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,091
What the fuck
are you wearing, girl?

21
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:43,496
There ain't no camouflage, no
fishnets and no fluorescent colors.

22
00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:45,731
How they gonna see
you in the dark, bitch?

23
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:46,833
How they gonna see you?

24
00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:48,300
I gotta go.

25
00:03:12,324 --> 00:03:13,993
So big.

26
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,648
I'm sorry.

27
00:03:35,681 --> 00:03:38,884
If you're looking for the homeless
shelter, it's two doors down.

28
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,587
No, I'm...
I'm Hannah Steale.

29
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,623
I'm here to...
To see Mr. Black.

30
00:03:43,656 --> 00:03:45,625
The college bitch.

31
00:03:45,657 --> 00:03:47,743
May I take your coat?

32
00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:49,829
Yes, please. Thank you.

33
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,331
Ew.

34
00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:55,301
Follow me.

35
00:03:58,003 --> 00:04:01,206
In case you're wondering, I'm the hot
secretary who's fucking the boss,

36
00:04:01,239 --> 00:04:03,108
which means there's no room
for the dopey intern

37
00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:05,178
with the damaged hair
and the cankles.

38
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,616
Come here.

39
00:04:12,618 --> 00:04:15,922
That's the smell of his balls after
lunch and two games of racquetball.

40
00:04:18,924 --> 00:04:20,660
Have a nice day,
Miss Steale.

41
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:22,863
Plain-ass bitch.

42
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,148
My leg.

43
00:04:46,251 --> 00:04:47,888
You.

44
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:54,027
Shit!

45
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,969
I guess
I should've tried pulling.

46
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,437
Miss Kavahellnah.
Christian Black.

47
00:05:06,571 --> 00:05:08,123
Are you okay?

48
00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:09,675
Um, I think so, yeah.

49
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:13,045
Good, 'cause you
got fucked up!

50
00:05:13,078 --> 00:05:15,247
You hit that statue
like a hard-charging rhino.

51
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,549
I say rhino because you're a
lot fatter than I thought,

52
00:05:17,583 --> 00:05:20,253
and you got this bump on your
nose that resembles a small horn.

53
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:22,387
-Um...
-May wanna get that squeezed.

54
00:05:22,421 --> 00:05:24,490
-Okay.
-A little Proactiv on that.

55
00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:26,025
I'm... I'm not
Miss Kavahellnah.

56
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,527
You ain't Miss Kavahellnah?

57
00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:29,128
Who the fuck are you?

58
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,696
My name is Hannah Steale.

59
00:05:30,729 --> 00:05:34,200
I'm studying literature with
Kateesha at the university.

60
00:05:34,232 --> 00:05:38,503
Please, have a seat.

61
00:05:38,537 --> 00:05:40,173
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

62
00:05:56,321 --> 00:05:57,523
No.

63
00:05:59,191 --> 00:06:01,594
No.
So, what do you want?

64
00:06:01,626 --> 00:06:03,996
Jesus Christ!
Just spit it out!

65
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,299
A pencil.

66
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:09,435
"A pencil." Should've just
said that in the beginning.

67
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,737
Gosh. Here, take 'em.

68
00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:13,072
Jesus!

69
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,374
Thank you.

70
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,376
You gotta get your shit
together, Miss Steale.

71
00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:19,412
Shit.

72
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:22,582
These are
Kateesha's questions. Okay?

73
00:06:25,217 --> 00:06:27,520
"You have mad stacks of cash.

74
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,124
How'd you get it,
and can I get some?"

75
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:33,760
Miss Steale.

76
00:06:33,792 --> 00:06:37,229
I got my money the way most
black entrepreneurs got theirs.

77
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:39,664
-Real estate?
-Drug dealing.

78
00:06:39,698 --> 00:06:43,803
See, you have to know your
business inside and out.

79
00:06:43,835 --> 00:06:46,472
I smoked crack.
Not for long.

80
00:06:46,504 --> 00:06:49,341
But just long enough to know
what a penis tastes like.

81
00:06:50,475 --> 00:06:53,545
Tastes like
raw rump roast.

82
00:06:53,578 --> 00:06:55,313
Ew.

83
00:06:55,347 --> 00:06:58,618
I got all ashy, like E.T.
when he was sick in the river.

84
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:02,187
I lost
six essential teeth.

85
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:05,657
Have you ever tried
to eat steak with one molar?

86
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:08,161
No. Why would I do that?

87
00:07:08,193 --> 00:07:10,595
Gnaw and suck.

88
00:07:10,628 --> 00:07:13,665
Gnaw and suck.
It's hard.

89
00:07:13,698 --> 00:07:16,501
Um, could be
that you're lucky.

90
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:20,172
No. Keanu Reeves is lucky.

91
00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,842
Flo Rida is lucky.

92
00:07:22,874 --> 00:07:25,544
Iggy Azalea is lucky.

93
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,513
Yeah, he's lucky.

94
00:07:27,546 --> 00:07:29,415
Next question.

95
00:07:29,448 --> 00:07:33,686
"Is you gay, or is you
gay as a motherfucker?"

96
00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:38,191
Just because you touch a penis
doesn't mean you're gay.

97
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,593
Especially if it's
for money or crack.

98
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:45,131
You're only gay
if you enjoy touching penis.

99
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:48,101
You touch a penis with attitude
like, "I don't really like this."

100
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:50,636
That ain't gay.
It's just exploratory.

101
00:07:51,871 --> 00:07:53,705
You said
you're an English major.

102
00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:56,375
Was it Chaucer,
Shelley or Keats

103
00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:58,244
that first made you fall
in love with literature?

104
00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,512
It was Seuss.

105
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:00,746
Seuss!

106
00:08:00,778 --> 00:08:02,481
<i>Cat in the Hat.
Thing 1 and...</i>

107
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,083
Thing 2!

108
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,651
I mean,
who doesn't wanna be them?

109
00:08:05,684 --> 00:08:09,188
Me and my brother were Thing 1 and
Thing 2 for Halloween this year.

110
00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:10,222
Really?

111
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,223
Yeah. Check this out.

112
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:14,726
My God, look at both of you!

113
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,729
We called 'em
Thang 1 and Thang 2.

114
00:08:18,696 --> 00:08:20,333
That's amazing.

115
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:22,051
What if I wanted
to hire you?

116
00:08:22,052 --> 00:08:23,736
I don't... I don't know.

117
00:08:23,768 --> 00:08:29,241
I... I see the way the women dress
around here. I don't exactly fit in.

118
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,344
You know, despite
the Salvation Army sweater,

119
00:08:31,376 --> 00:08:34,647
the greasy weaves
and your big ol' Usher nose,

120
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,350
there's something
oddly attractive about you.

121
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:39,451
Yeah, you're like
the little ugly runt

122
00:08:39,484 --> 00:08:41,454
in a litter
full of pretty puppies,

123
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:43,688
the little ugly one
that nobody wants to touch.

124
00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:47,359
You're all hairless and
big-eyed and wild-looking.

125
00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:50,196
But you just wanna take you
home and give you love

126
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:52,364
or stuff you in a sack
with a bunch of rocks

127
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,272
and just toss your
ugly ass at the bottom

128
00:08:54,273 --> 00:08:56,235
of the ocean, just put
you out your misery.

129
00:08:56,768 --> 00:08:59,239
Okay.

130
00:09:01,639 --> 00:09:03,175
Thank you, Mr. Black.

131
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,645
Please, call me Christian.

132
00:09:05,677 --> 00:09:07,479
Christian.

133
00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:09,482
I hope I answered
all your questions.

134
00:09:09,514 --> 00:09:11,518
You certainly did.

135
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,821
-Hannah.
-Christian.

136
00:09:15,854 --> 00:09:18,725
Shit! God!

137
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,662
Jesus Christ!

138
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,430
God, make it stop!

139
00:09:28,433 --> 00:09:30,869
White girls,
get that elevator fixed.

140
00:09:32,771 --> 00:09:34,306
Hannah!

141
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:37,310
So, how was he?

142
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:40,646
Um, he was
all right, I guess.

143
00:09:40,678 --> 00:09:44,316
Shit! You fucked him, girl!
I knew that shit!

144
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:47,220
Yeah, girl, get that dick, girl!
Get that dick!

145
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,821
What?
Get that dick!

146
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:50,656
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

147
00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:53,960
Take it to town, motherfucker.
Get that dick! Yeah!

148
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:57,430
Yeah!
Shit, girl, yeah!

149
00:09:57,463 --> 00:09:59,699
-So, did he have a big dick?
-What?

150
00:09:59,731 --> 00:10:01,967
Girl,
was it like real skinny, girl?

151
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,942
Or was it like real long,
like skinny-long?

152
00:10:03,943 --> 00:10:05,237
'Cause that's fucking weird.

153
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,906
But, like,
short and thick, girl...

154
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,708
I can get down
with that short, fat dick.

155
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:11,476
No, there is... there's
no... there's no dick.

156
00:10:11,509 --> 00:10:14,312
Remember what I told you, okay?

157
00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:16,435
If it's got red zit-like
things on the head

158
00:10:16,436 --> 00:10:18,383
of that shit, you
put that in your butt.

159
00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:21,954
He gon' be like, "Girl,
no, it's just skin tags."

160
00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:24,589
"Bitch, you got 47 skin tags
on your dick?

161
00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:27,526
I ain't falling for that shit.
Again. Okay?"

162
00:10:27,558 --> 00:10:32,364
But you gotta admit, girl,
he is bangin'!

163
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:35,468
Yeah, I guess if you're
into the wildly successful,

164
00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:37,869
super-handsome,
possibly dangerous thing,

165
00:10:37,902 --> 00:10:39,904
then Christian Black
is your guy.

166
00:10:39,937 --> 00:10:42,574
Bitch, I'm talkin'
'bout Lil Weezy!

167
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,544
Girl!
He got tats on his tats!

168
00:10:45,576 --> 00:10:47,612
And he ain't afraid
to get a bitch pregnant.

169
00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:51,050
Let you keep the baby
and everythin'.

170
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:53,585
-You gon' eat that?
-Um...

171
00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:58,791
I wish I could find a man
the size of this to satisfy me.

172
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,729
This shit
better be gluten-free.

173
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:37,897
Mr. Black.

174
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,931
God.

175
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:42,801
God. Christian.

176
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:56,316
My God.
You know what I want to do?!

177
00:12:18,103 --> 00:12:19,105
Hi.

178
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,106
What the fuck?

179
00:12:20,138 --> 00:12:22,108
What a pleasant surprise,
Miss Steale.

180
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:24,477
Please, call me Hannah.

181
00:12:24,509 --> 00:12:26,010
Okay, Miss Steale.

182
00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:29,080
I was just in the area and
wanted to pick up a few items.

183
00:12:29,114 --> 00:12:31,950
Um, are you stalking me,
Mr. Black?

184
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,619
Yes.

185
00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,124
I mean, unless you
don't want me to.

186
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:40,893
You do want me to,
don't you?

187
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:44,430
Just something
to think about.

188
00:12:45,163 --> 00:12:48,133
Um, can I help you
with something?

189
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,036
Yes. I would like to pick up
some cable ties and some tape.

190
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:53,606
Well, you're in luck. We got
some cable ties right here.

191
00:12:53,638 --> 00:12:54,706
What color do you want?

192
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:55,774
Red.

193
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:59,611
The color of passion.

194
00:12:59,644 --> 00:13:01,614
The tape is this way.
Follow me.

195
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:10,156
If I didn't know better, I might
mistake you for a serial killer.

196
00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:12,057
Don't be ridiculous.

197
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:15,161
If I was a serial killer,
I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,

198
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,163
chlorophyll, wood chipper,
plastic sheets

199
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,864
and three large boxes
of space Pampers.

200
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,767
And a shovel.

201
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,869
Second thought,

202
00:13:23,902 --> 00:13:26,772
I think I need to pick up
a few more items.

203
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:29,642
Well, looks like
you're all set now.

204
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,511
Thank you, Miss Steale.

205
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:36,482
Hey, if your roommate needs
a photo to go with the story,

206
00:13:36,514 --> 00:13:40,485
I'll be around tomorrow and the
next day and the day after that.

207
00:13:40,518 --> 00:13:42,520
I'm actually around
all next week.

208
00:13:42,553 --> 00:13:45,023
Here. Just contact me.

209
00:13:46,157 --> 00:13:48,527
"Christian Black.

210
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,598
I'm not a bidness-man,
I'm a bidness... man."

211
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,035
Thank you so much
for your help, Miss Steale.

212
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,537
Let me know when those space
Pampers come in, okay?

213
00:13:58,570 --> 00:14:01,474
Save me three boxes.
Got a long drive ahead of me.

214
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,643
Bye! I'm gonna call you.

215
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:12,618
-Jesse!
-Hey.

216
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:14,753
Thank you so much
for doing this last minute.

217
00:14:14,786 --> 00:14:17,556
Hannah, listen.
You are my best friend, okay?

218
00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:19,124
You know I'd do anything
for you, right?

219
00:14:19,157 --> 00:14:20,893
Yeah.

220
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:23,496
-I'd really love a hand job though.
-What?

221
00:14:23,528 --> 00:14:26,097
I said, I really love this job.
It's amazing.

222
00:14:26,130 --> 00:14:27,765
My God.
Get in here.

223
00:14:27,798 --> 00:14:29,534
Later I wanna hit it.

224
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,871
I... Um, I-I didn't catch
the last thing.

225
00:14:32,904 --> 00:14:35,073
I said,
later I wanna hit the bar.

226
00:14:35,106 --> 00:14:36,741
Come on, Hannah.

227
00:14:36,774 --> 00:14:38,109
It's what platonic friends do.
You know?

228
00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:40,778
Grab a beer, right?
Then you make out and have sex

229
00:14:40,811 --> 00:14:43,581
until we question the status
of our friendship, you know?

230
00:14:43,614 --> 00:14:45,083
I guess.

231
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,551
Yeah. Come here.

232
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,253
Hannah!

233
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:50,256
Did you just kiss me
on my lips?

234
00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:53,057
-Wait. I thought that...
-No. Listen. Let's get one thing clear.

235
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:55,070
We are just friends.
Don't make it weird.

236
00:14:55,071 --> 00:14:56,061
No, I thought...

237
00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:58,564
-It's okay. I'll fuck you later.
-Wait. What?

238
00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:00,865
I said, I'll see you later.

239
00:15:00,898 --> 00:15:02,868
Geez.

240
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,537
Just go ahead.

241
00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,774
Pow! Pow!

242
00:15:09,707 --> 00:15:11,609
Girl, he's Santa.

243
00:15:11,643 --> 00:15:14,547
You like some real fear-type
shit right now, girl.

244
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:18,283
He look like Marky Mark after he left
the Funky Bunch and started acting.

245
00:15:18,316 --> 00:15:19,951
All right, give me a smile.

246
00:15:19,984 --> 00:15:21,619
Cheese.

247
00:15:21,652 --> 00:15:23,821
All right, don't ever
fucking smile again. Okay?

248
00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,658
He asked me to go to coffee
with him after the shoot.

249
00:15:26,691 --> 00:15:28,594
Girl, that's cute!

250
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:32,231
Last time I went to coffee, I got
eaten out outside a McDonalds.

251
00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:35,033
That McCafe menu
got a girl gushin'.

252
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:37,602
All right,
let's break the Internet.

253
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,212
Eat.

254
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:50,114
I'm not your dog. You
can't tell me what to do.

255
00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:54,586
You're right. If you were
my dog, I would do this.

256
00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:56,989
Bad girl!
Bad, bad, bad girl!

257
00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:02,427
So tell me
about your family.

258
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,028
Well...

259
00:16:04,061 --> 00:16:07,800
My dad left me
when I was two years old,

260
00:16:07,832 --> 00:16:10,068
so I was mostly raised
by my stepdad, Ron.

261
00:16:10,101 --> 00:16:13,871
That is painfully uninteresting.

262
00:16:13,904 --> 00:16:15,490
How about your mother?

263
00:16:15,491 --> 00:16:17,075
She's been married
eight times.

264
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,944
She's an incurable romantic.

265
00:16:18,976 --> 00:16:20,478
Are you a romantic?

266
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,980
Um, I guess.

267
00:16:22,013 --> 00:16:24,249
I mean, I like long walks
on the beach.

268
00:16:24,282 --> 00:16:26,085
I like baby talk.
I like to cuddle.

269
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,152
And I love
Nicholas Sparks movies.

270
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:29,571
Even the one
with Miley Cyrus?

271
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:30,955
That's my favorite one.

272
00:16:30,989 --> 00:16:32,358
Bitch, I'm out.

273
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:38,631
-Cheers.
-Yeah.

274
00:16:40,931 --> 00:16:43,801
That taste like
a white boy on spring break.

275
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:46,271
I hate him.
I'm gonna call him.

276
00:16:46,303 --> 00:16:48,206
-You want another drink?
-Yes.

277
00:16:48,239 --> 00:16:50,341
Drink to forget.

278
00:16:50,374 --> 00:16:52,977
Yeah. Yeah.

279
00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:54,913
Yeah.

280
00:16:55,747 --> 00:16:58,217
That tastes horrible.

281
00:16:58,249 --> 00:17:02,988
The Molly must not be crushed up all
the way. Let me fix it for you.

282
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:04,440
I gotta go
to the bathroom.

283
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:05,858
You gotta what?

284
00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:09,194
I gotta go
to the ladies room.

285
00:17:09,226 --> 00:17:11,729
I have to take a shit!

286
00:17:17,168 --> 00:17:20,906
Hannah, you feeling all right?
A little woozy perhaps?

287
00:17:20,938 --> 00:17:22,040
Unable to make
good decisions?

288
00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:25,043
We should take it to the
next level and suck my dick.

289
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:28,380
<i>Take it to the next level,
you stop feeling sick. Okay?</i>

290
00:17:28,413 --> 00:17:31,150
My God.
You are my bestest friend.

291
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,018
Yes. With benefits.

292
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:35,888
Fuck my mouth
with your fingers.

293
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,422
Fuck!

294
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:39,692
I'm never
gonna get none.

295
00:17:41,292 --> 00:17:42,895
I'll fuck you.

296
00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:44,862
I ain't gonna like it,
but I'll do it.

297
00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:46,898
Listen, I don't fuck
white girls, okay?

298
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,234
Nigga, who you callin' white?

299
00:17:50,368 --> 00:17:52,672
She just call me
the "N" word?

300
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,808
That kinda
turned me on.

301
00:17:56,808 --> 00:17:58,277
Call me "nigga" again.

302
00:18:12,757 --> 00:18:14,325
Well, hello there.

303
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,294
Yeah, this is Hannah.

304
00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:18,297
Hannah, are you wasted?

305
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:20,965
Yes, I am wasted,
you hole-ass.

306
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:24,769
You are "might" on the "roney,"
you penis-suck of yours.

307
00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:26,472
You sound like Yoda.

308
00:18:26,504 --> 00:18:28,940
Listen, I want you
to go home right now.

309
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:31,031
Don't tell me what to do,

310
00:18:31,032 --> 00:18:35,147
Mr. "-Let's-Go-For-Coffee-
No-Stay-Away-From-Me."

311
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:37,850
Let me put this in words
you can understand.

312
00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:40,885
Now right home you go.

313
00:18:40,918 --> 00:18:42,353
No!

314
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,255
I told him.

315
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,859
Bitch,
you smell like shit.

316
00:18:55,867 --> 00:18:59,404
Hannah. Hannah, hey, it's cold out
here. You can't come out like that.

317
00:18:59,436 --> 00:19:01,072
Thank you.

318
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:02,658
How you feelin'?

319
00:19:02,659 --> 00:19:04,209
Just a little bit drunk.

320
00:19:04,242 --> 00:19:06,545
Are you like Donald Trump
running for president drunk?

321
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,958
Or like Donald Trump saying
he don't like mexicans drunk?

322
00:19:08,959 --> 00:19:10,148
'Cause that's some crazy shit.

323
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,551
A lot of Mexicans out there just
crossing the border and shit.

324
00:19:12,583 --> 00:19:15,821
Show them niggas love!
Show them niggas love!

325
00:19:15,853 --> 00:19:16,988
Can I show you some love?

326
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,122
What? No!

327
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:19,491
Come on. Come on!

328
00:19:19,523 --> 00:19:23,128
Just one kiss, man! I don't know
when you gonna be this drunk again.

329
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,512
Come on. Give me that kiss!

330
00:19:24,513 --> 00:19:25,863
No. No.

331
00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:27,449
Stop!

332
00:19:27,450 --> 00:19:29,001
She said no!

333
00:19:30,435 --> 00:19:31,837
Christian!

334
00:19:31,869 --> 00:19:33,237
You just push me, nigga?

335
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:35,574
You got some crazy shit
comin', boy.

336
00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:38,310
-Wait. Hold up. This nigga comin' ba...
-Comin' to you, nigga.

337
00:19:38,342 --> 00:19:39,878
He comin' back!

338
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,880
Damn!

339
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:47,219
Christian, stay down!

340
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:48,954
Okay. Okay.

341
00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:52,023
The nigga's a ninja!
This nigga's a ninja...

342
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:54,426
WorldStar!
Bitch.

343
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:57,796
He had such a beautiful face.

344
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,564
Did he leave?

345
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,300
You better run!

346
00:20:01,332 --> 00:20:02,967
I don't feel
so good, Christian.

347
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:04,602
Come on. Let's get you home.

348
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:10,142
No, I can't with you because,
um, my roommate is in there.

349
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:13,544
Don't worry.
She's being well taken care of.

350
00:20:13,578 --> 00:20:15,314
What's your name again?

351
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:17,449
My name is Eli.

352
00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,917
My friends call me Weekday.

353
00:20:19,951 --> 00:20:21,587
I'm Christian's brother.

354
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,090
The poor one.

355
00:20:28,592 --> 00:20:30,595
I know
what you're saying.

356
00:20:30,628 --> 00:20:33,432
"He's financially poor,

357
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:35,934
yet spiritually rich."

358
00:20:35,966 --> 00:20:38,336
Nah, that don't count.

359
00:20:38,369 --> 00:20:40,504
What do you feel?

360
00:20:40,538 --> 00:20:42,023
What do you feel?

361
00:20:42,024 --> 00:20:43,508
My God.

362
00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,377
When does that end?

363
00:20:45,409 --> 00:20:47,612
My God!

364
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:52,017
The weight of my penis makes my
money too heavy to carry around.

365
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:53,318
Yes!

366
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:56,021
I see you later on.

367
00:20:56,053 --> 00:20:57,889
Until we meet again.

368
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,959
How can I touch you?
I mean, get in touch with you.

369
00:21:00,992 --> 00:21:04,529
My number... is seven.

370
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:08,600
That's a good number.

371
00:21:08,632 --> 00:21:11,402
God.
I'm-a call you!

372
00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:17,509
Good morning.

373
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:21,079
I've been staring at you all night.
I haven't blinked once.

374
00:21:21,111 --> 00:21:22,947
Gosh, my eyes are hurting.

375
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,286
How did I get here?

376
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,221
I brought you here, Hannah.

377
00:21:29,253 --> 00:21:30,805
Did you undress me?

378
00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:32,357
I sure did.

379
00:21:32,389 --> 00:21:33,992
My God, we didn't...

380
00:21:34,024 --> 00:21:37,061
No, we didn't.

381
00:21:37,094 --> 00:21:39,597
And I have the blue balls
to prove it.

382
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:42,533
Look at these things.

383
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,170
What are those?

384
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:49,141
What the fuck are those?
It hurts so much.

385
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:52,176
I don't know what to do.
Why are you showing me this?

386
00:21:52,209 --> 00:21:54,312
I ordered you
some breakfast.

387
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:05,724
Here. Eat.

388
00:22:05,756 --> 00:22:07,558
You'll need
your strength.

389
00:22:07,591 --> 00:22:11,429
But you licked this one and did all
sorts of other weird stuff to it.

390
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:14,433
Can I get a fresh one?
Maybe some jam.

391
00:22:14,465 --> 00:22:16,100
No. Eat it.

392
00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:18,370
Why don't you just
leave me alone, Christian?

393
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,539
Because I'm incapable
of leaving you alone.

394
00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:22,474
I'm a certified stalker.

395
00:22:22,506 --> 00:22:25,643
I have four restraining orders and
I'm currently working on a fifth.

396
00:22:25,676 --> 00:22:27,478
Listen to me.

397
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,415
I don't do
the romance thing.

398
00:22:30,447 --> 00:22:32,283
Anal, yes.

399
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:34,119
Fisting, sure.

400
00:22:34,151 --> 00:22:37,588
Two in the pink,
one in the stink. Yeah.

401
00:22:37,621 --> 00:22:41,092
I do that.
But I don't do romance.

402
00:22:42,627 --> 00:22:44,363
You know, I'd like
to bite that lip.

403
00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:46,098
I wish you would.

404
00:22:51,035 --> 00:22:53,272
My God!

405
00:22:56,741 --> 00:22:58,410
No!

406
00:23:04,515 --> 00:23:06,217
Come on.

407
00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:08,653
Let's get you
out of here.

408
00:23:08,686 --> 00:23:11,223
God,
that made me wet.

409
00:23:11,255 --> 00:23:13,157
I love it.

410
00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:23,201
Fuck the bullshit.

411
00:23:34,145 --> 00:23:36,080
How you doin'?

412
00:23:42,619 --> 00:23:46,390
Open your eyes.
Lizard kiss. Come on.

413
00:23:52,129 --> 00:23:54,532
Vampire bite!

414
00:23:57,869 --> 00:23:59,137
I love it!

415
00:23:59,138 --> 00:24:00,405
Yes! Yes!

416
00:24:00,437 --> 00:24:03,675
My God!

417
00:24:09,546 --> 00:24:11,148
You shut up and watch.

418
00:24:11,182 --> 00:24:13,819
Get outta here.

419
00:24:16,855 --> 00:24:19,191
Excuse me.

420
00:24:22,193 --> 00:24:25,631
I have to warn you,
elevators make me horny.

421
00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:31,570
Daddy, I want you
to write a song about me.

422
00:24:31,602 --> 00:24:33,205
I wanna be your muse.

423
00:24:33,237 --> 00:24:35,206
This is a great time.

424
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,877
I'm inspired to write
a song about you right now.

425
00:24:38,909 --> 00:24:41,312
That feels so good.

426
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,657
Deeper, Daddy! Deeper!

427
00:24:52,689 --> 00:24:56,327
Yes!

428
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:57,595
Yes! Yes!

429
00:25:01,366 --> 00:25:04,735
I think you going platinum
in about two minutes!

430
00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:14,746
That like an E minor
or something?

431
00:25:24,722 --> 00:25:26,358
Shit.

432
00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:27,825
Motherfucker!

433
00:25:30,928 --> 00:25:34,932
You done?
I gotta get to church.

434
00:25:34,965 --> 00:25:38,536
Hey! You two are fuckin'.

435
00:25:39,637 --> 00:25:41,139
Hey, brah.

436
00:25:44,809 --> 00:25:46,700
My brother. My brother.
Peace and blessings.

437
00:25:46,701 --> 00:25:47,646
How you doin'?

438
00:25:47,678 --> 00:25:50,181
Hannah, this is
my little brother, Eli.

439
00:25:50,215 --> 00:25:51,949
-Little?
-Yes.

440
00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:55,186
I'm Eli, like the movie about
the book, because I'm deep.

441
00:25:55,219 --> 00:25:56,687
-He is deep.
-Yes.

442
00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:59,324
-Balls deep.
-Yeah.

443
00:25:59,357 --> 00:26:02,293
Kateesha told me a lot about you.
Yeah, you're, like...

444
00:26:02,327 --> 00:26:04,829
You're, like, a lot plainer
than I thought you would be.

445
00:26:04,861 --> 00:26:06,697
Well, she's plain
but pretty.

446
00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:09,534
You're like a brick wall.
Just boring and rigid.

447
00:26:09,567 --> 00:26:11,803
-Okay!
-And just ashy in some places.

448
00:26:11,836 --> 00:26:15,574
Okay, okay, enough
with the small talk.

449
00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:17,943
-We have a long drive ahead of us.
-We do.

450
00:26:17,975 --> 00:26:19,777
A pleasure.
It's been a pleasure.

451
00:26:19,811 --> 00:26:22,313
The moon shall rise again.

452
00:26:22,347 --> 00:26:24,650
That's so romantic, boo.
What that mean?

453
00:26:25,582 --> 00:26:26,750
Deuces, bitch.

454
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:27,918
Okay, I got you!

455
00:26:27,952 --> 00:26:29,237
I see you later!

456
00:26:29,238 --> 00:26:30,522
Nice meeting you.

457
00:26:30,554 --> 00:26:32,190
Bye.

458
00:26:33,323 --> 00:26:36,727
All right, so listen.
Meet me at the office later.

459
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:39,965
I have something special
planned for you. Okay?

460
00:26:39,997 --> 00:26:41,699
-Deuces, bitch.
-Who you calling a bitch?

461
00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:42,818
Shit!

462
00:26:42,819 --> 00:26:43,902
Damn, girl.

463
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:47,371
I was just saying... He did it to her.
I thought it was cute.

464
00:26:47,405 --> 00:26:50,542
Damn, bitch.
I mean, girl.

465
00:27:00,784 --> 00:27:02,720
Are you ready for the
ride of your life?

466
00:27:02,753 --> 00:27:05,490
My God! Are we gonna
go in your helicopter?

467
00:27:10,561 --> 00:27:14,666
I can't believe you thought I was
gonna take you on the chopper.

468
00:27:14,698 --> 00:27:17,702
We haven't even fucked yet.

469
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,641
After you.

470
00:27:27,779 --> 00:27:29,981
Holy shit. You live here?

471
00:27:30,013 --> 00:27:33,484
What, a black man can't have
a nice place like this?

472
00:27:33,517 --> 00:27:37,454
<i>No, a black man cannot have
a beautiful place like this.</i>

473
00:27:37,487 --> 00:27:40,991
Wesley Snipes had a place like this
before he stopped doing his own taxes.

474
00:27:42,659 --> 00:27:43,827
How about some wine?

475
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:44,995
Yes, please.

476
00:27:45,029 --> 00:27:46,632
Okay.

477
00:27:49,533 --> 00:27:51,669
Do you know why
I brought you here, Hannah?

478
00:27:51,703 --> 00:27:54,306
I'm assuming
to make sweet love.

479
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,774
I don't make love. I fuck.

480
00:27:56,808 --> 00:27:58,877
Hard and quick.

481
00:27:58,909 --> 00:28:00,711
Really quick.

482
00:28:00,744 --> 00:28:03,982
It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.
You blink and it's over.

483
00:28:04,014 --> 00:28:06,083
O-Okay.

484
00:28:06,117 --> 00:28:09,988
But first you're gonna have to
sign a nondisclosure agreement.

485
00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:12,240
What's that?

486
00:28:12,241 --> 00:28:14,459
It's basically lawyer talk
for "shut the fuck up."

487
00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:16,594
Come with me.
I'll explain.

488
00:28:16,627 --> 00:28:20,866
A nondisclosure agreement protects
both you and me, but mostly me.

489
00:28:26,536 --> 00:28:29,606
Behind this door
is my playroom.

490
00:28:29,639 --> 00:28:31,709
You mean like for your
PlayStation and stuff?

491
00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:36,915
That's a nice key.

492
00:28:39,783 --> 00:28:41,585
So tight.

493
00:28:46,924 --> 00:28:48,792
Get it open.
Come on. Open.

494
00:28:48,826 --> 00:28:50,529
You ready to get open?

495
00:29:02,173 --> 00:29:03,875
I'm an Xbox man myself.

496
00:29:03,907 --> 00:29:06,444
-You next, Black.
-You don't want none of this.

497
00:29:06,476 --> 00:29:07,845
When you done
with Wendy Williams there,

498
00:29:07,878 --> 00:29:09,981
jump on this game so I can
shoot you in the face.

499
00:29:10,013 --> 00:29:12,716
I'm gonna be honest with you,
Christian. She's not attractive.

500
00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:14,152
The bitch look like
she got lupus.

501
00:29:14,185 --> 00:29:17,155
Well, you look like a thumb that's
been yanked out of somebody's asshole.

502
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,628
-Slam dunk!
-That's crazy. That's crazy.

503
00:29:24,661 --> 00:29:27,698
Yeah?
Well, how 'bout...!

504
00:29:27,732 --> 00:29:29,734
-I got nothing.
-'Cause I'm better than you.

505
00:29:29,766 --> 00:29:32,669
Okay, well, I got something
I really wanna show you.

506
00:29:32,703 --> 00:29:34,839
My God. It's not more
broke niggas, is it?

507
00:29:34,871 --> 00:29:37,074
-No more broke niggas.
-No offense.

508
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:39,010
Don't worry about those
ingrown hairs on your penis.

509
00:29:39,042 --> 00:29:40,844
We can't see them
through your pants.

510
00:29:40,878 --> 00:29:43,013
Don't give her all the dick, bro.
She don't deserve it.

511
00:29:43,046 --> 00:29:45,850
-Half the dick.
-Over there fuckin' Charles Barkley.

512
00:30:17,215 --> 00:30:18,949
Fuck this shit. I'm out.

513
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:21,152
Please, Miss Steale.

514
00:30:21,185 --> 00:30:22,988
Just keep an open mind.

515
00:30:42,773 --> 00:30:44,576
Tantalizing.

516
00:30:52,116 --> 00:30:54,085
Got these from my grandma.

517
00:31:02,827 --> 00:31:05,063
You're
a sick motherfucker.

518
00:31:05,096 --> 00:31:09,133
No, Bill Cosby's a sick motherfucker.
I'm just a dominant.

519
00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:11,269
What does that have
to do with me?

520
00:31:11,301 --> 00:31:14,839
I want you to give yourself
to me sexually.

521
00:31:14,871 --> 00:31:18,709
Hence all the whips,
chains and freaky sex toys.

522
00:31:18,743 --> 00:31:21,480
And what would
I get out of it?

523
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,883
Me.

524
00:31:26,082 --> 00:31:27,784
My God!

525
00:31:27,818 --> 00:31:30,788
Let me get this straight.

526
00:31:30,821 --> 00:31:33,992
So, you wanna beat me
with these paddles...

527
00:31:34,024 --> 00:31:35,926
-Whip.
-Whips.

528
00:31:35,959 --> 00:31:37,628
You wanna chain me
to this rack...

529
00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:39,296
Handcuff.

530
00:31:39,330 --> 00:31:41,866
And humiliate me
in unimaginable ways,

531
00:31:41,898 --> 00:31:44,167
and in exchange
for all of this torture,

532
00:31:44,201 --> 00:31:46,037
<i>I get you.</i>

533
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,605
Yeah, that's correct.

534
00:31:47,638 --> 00:31:49,206
And women go for this.

535
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,976
Some women.

536
00:31:52,342 --> 00:31:56,013
It's like Disneyland
for grown-ups.

537
00:31:56,046 --> 00:31:58,615
Yeah. So what do you think?

538
00:31:58,648 --> 00:32:01,018
I'm pretty much cool
with anything,

539
00:32:01,051 --> 00:32:04,789
as long as you promise you won't
tell my dad I fucked a black guy.

540
00:32:07,657 --> 00:32:09,093
So what do you think?

541
00:32:10,695 --> 00:32:14,566
Two things. Where is the cup
and when do we eat shit?

542
00:32:17,935 --> 00:32:20,171
What we supposed
to do in here?

543
00:32:20,204 --> 00:32:23,774
Well, I thought we'd start
with a little bit of rope play.

544
00:32:23,808 --> 00:32:25,310
No!

545
00:32:25,342 --> 00:32:28,912
Okay, well, how about I just mount you
to that rack over there and spank you?

546
00:32:28,946 --> 00:32:31,282
Hell to the no.

547
00:32:31,314 --> 00:32:33,650
Perhaps a little bit
of flogging?

548
00:32:33,684 --> 00:32:36,287
I don't even know what
the hell flogging means,

549
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,923
so fuck to the no.

550
00:32:38,955 --> 00:32:41,091
Okay, well, what are we
supposed to do then?

551
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:44,095
<i>You need to find Jesus.
That's what you can do.</i>

552
00:32:46,097 --> 00:32:48,299
Okay, here's how it goes.

553
00:32:48,331 --> 00:32:51,201
I've drafted a standard contract
that lays out the terms.

554
00:32:51,234 --> 00:32:53,838
Lots of sex.
We have more sex.

555
00:32:53,870 --> 00:32:56,040
Yada yada, we end with sex.

556
00:32:56,072 --> 00:32:59,377
You look it over and you negotiate
what you're willing to do.

557
00:32:59,409 --> 00:33:04,081
I hate to, um, throw a monkey
wrench into the whole works here,

558
00:33:04,115 --> 00:33:06,317
but... I...

559
00:33:06,350 --> 00:33:08,086
You have low self-esteem?

560
00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:10,021
No. I...

561
00:33:10,053 --> 00:33:12,056
You have daddy issues.

562
00:33:13,256 --> 00:33:15,792
No.

563
00:33:15,826 --> 00:33:17,862
What I'm trying to tell
you is, I'm... I'm a...

564
00:33:19,796 --> 00:33:20,998
A virgin?

565
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:22,199
Yeah.

566
00:33:22,233 --> 00:33:24,167
Man!

567
00:33:24,201 --> 00:33:26,304
I can't believe this.

568
00:33:26,337 --> 00:33:27,905
I don't understand.

569
00:33:27,937 --> 00:33:31,008
Okay, tell me
you've done something.

570
00:33:31,042 --> 00:33:33,845
-Blow job?
-Where does the blowing come in?

571
00:33:33,878 --> 00:33:35,879
-Finger pop?
-No.

572
00:33:35,913 --> 00:33:37,815
-Angry Panda?
-Why is it angry?

573
00:33:37,848 --> 00:33:39,984
Why did you ask that?

574
00:33:40,016 --> 00:33:43,153
My God. Okay, tell
me you've done anal.

575
00:33:43,186 --> 00:33:47,125
I know how it goes. You let guys put
it in your little rusty bullet hole

576
00:33:47,157 --> 00:33:50,061
so you can tell your mama and your
pastor that you're still a virgin.

577
00:33:50,093 --> 00:33:51,828
I've just been waiting.

578
00:33:51,861 --> 00:33:55,399
For what? Girl, you are
20-something years old.

579
00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:58,169
It don't get no better.
It's going to spoil.

580
00:33:58,202 --> 00:33:59,771
It's fermenting down there.

581
00:33:59,803 --> 00:34:02,139
Just fermenting. Okay?

582
00:34:02,173 --> 00:34:05,009
You gonna tell me
nobody wanted the pussy?

583
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:08,746
Well, I just am very selective
about who I wanted to...

584
00:34:08,779 --> 00:34:10,281
Selective?

585
00:34:10,313 --> 00:34:13,817
That sound like something somebody with
a pussy that nobody wanted would say.

586
00:34:13,851 --> 00:34:14,919
Hey.

587
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:15,987
Don't get me wrong.

588
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:18,755
I don't want it all worn out
like a old washing machine belt

589
00:34:18,788 --> 00:34:22,159
or hanging like wet straps
in a car wash

590
00:34:22,192 --> 00:34:26,129
or flapping around like an inflatable
figure outside of a mattress store.

591
00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:28,733
<i>But I want it to have
some experience.</i>

592
00:34:30,266 --> 00:34:36,006
Okay, look, we're gonna fix
this situation right now.

593
00:34:37,074 --> 00:34:39,210
I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

594
00:34:40,243 --> 00:34:41,628
Come on then.

595
00:34:41,629 --> 00:34:43,013
Yes.

596
00:34:56,493 --> 00:34:59,262
Very...

597
00:34:59,295 --> 00:35:01,331
Very Sasquatch of you.

598
00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,411
Have you never had sex
with a virgin before?

599
00:35:03,412 --> 00:35:04,435
Not a hairy one.

600
00:35:12,375 --> 00:35:14,078
You nicked me.

601
00:35:20,518 --> 00:35:23,221
What the heck?

602
00:35:23,253 --> 00:35:25,223
Yeah. I have an outie.

603
00:35:31,828 --> 00:35:33,964
That got flavor.

604
00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:37,034
-What?
-You're the first person who's seen it.

605
00:35:37,067 --> 00:35:39,237
Little Eskimo kisses?
Noo-noo-noo-noo.

606
00:35:41,172 --> 00:35:43,208
I never had anyone
do that to it before.

607
00:35:45,409 --> 00:35:46,711
Watch the teeth!

608
00:35:46,712 --> 00:35:48,012
Sorry.

609
00:36:02,393 --> 00:36:04,996
Got him.

610
00:36:05,029 --> 00:36:06,364
Okay.

611
00:36:20,009 --> 00:36:22,212
Sorry.

612
00:36:22,246 --> 00:36:24,048
-I didn't have time to shower.
-Shit!

613
00:36:45,469 --> 00:36:47,572
Okay. You ready?

614
00:36:47,605 --> 00:36:50,174
I'm gonna take you
to a whole nother galaxy!

615
00:36:50,206 --> 00:36:53,578
My God, I'm coming!

616
00:36:53,610 --> 00:36:56,313
God!

617
00:36:58,482 --> 00:37:01,418
Got it. Got it.

618
00:37:01,451 --> 00:37:03,920
Got it. Got it!

619
00:37:03,953 --> 00:37:05,555
-Whoo!
-Already?

620
00:37:08,225 --> 00:37:10,895
-That was amazing.
-Really?

621
00:37:10,927 --> 00:37:14,364
I guess I was expecting
something... different.

622
00:37:14,397 --> 00:37:17,200
Don't worry about it. It's your
first time. Don't sweat it.

623
00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:20,438
You'll get better with experience.
Just keep working on it.

624
00:37:22,639 --> 00:37:26,009
You know, it's customary for a woman
to make a man an oversized sandwich

625
00:37:26,043 --> 00:37:27,445
to help him regain
his strength.

626
00:37:27,478 --> 00:37:31,282
Either that or some leftover
pizza or maybe a Hot Pocket.

627
00:37:31,315 --> 00:37:33,351
You want me to make
a Hot Pocket now?

628
00:37:33,384 --> 00:37:36,587
I don't make the rules.
I'm just telling you.

629
00:37:36,619 --> 00:37:38,388
You got a lot
to learn, kid.

630
00:37:43,993 --> 00:37:45,863
Are you asleep already?

631
00:37:46,429 --> 00:37:49,032
Nigga!

632
00:38:16,527 --> 00:38:18,196
Christian?

633
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,398
-Christian!
-Shit!

634
00:38:21,431 --> 00:38:24,668
-Who the fuck is that?
-My mother.

635
00:38:28,272 --> 00:38:32,310
Great. Now I gotta get rid
of two crazy bitches. Fuck.

636
00:38:33,643 --> 00:38:35,446
Mother.

637
00:38:35,478 --> 00:38:36,513
Christian.

638
00:38:36,514 --> 00:38:37,547
Hello.

639
00:38:37,581 --> 00:38:40,418
You better get dressed or we're
going to be late for the regatta.

640
00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:42,253
I forgot that was today.

641
00:38:42,286 --> 00:38:44,255
-You're not doing crack again, are you?
-No, Mother.

642
00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:46,357
I never raised you
that way.

643
00:38:46,389 --> 00:38:48,692
However, it is a prominent trait
in your genealogical pool.

644
00:38:48,726 --> 00:38:49,593
Hello.

645
00:38:49,594 --> 00:38:52,196
I'm standing my ground!
I'm standing my ground!

646
00:38:54,197 --> 00:38:55,565
Shit!

647
00:38:55,598 --> 00:38:58,501
Mother, what are you doing?
That's Hannah Steale.

648
00:38:58,534 --> 00:39:01,705
How many times I gotta tell you?
Black lives matter.

649
00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:04,007
Come on. Let's get you up.

650
00:39:06,076 --> 00:39:08,313
Hannah,
this is my mother, Claire.

651
00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:11,950
I am so sorry, Hannah.

652
00:39:13,150 --> 00:39:15,119
My, you have
beautiful breasts.

653
00:39:15,152 --> 00:39:17,054
I would've thought
they'd be more droopy,

654
00:39:17,087 --> 00:39:19,023
like a sock
with a rock in the toe,

655
00:39:19,056 --> 00:39:21,425
<i>like in those
National Geographic magazines.</i>

656
00:39:21,458 --> 00:39:24,528
You're gonna have to forgive
my mother's behavior.

657
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:28,698
Sometimes she can be factually
inaccurate and quite racist.

658
00:39:28,732 --> 00:39:30,434
Do not apologize
for me, Christian.

659
00:39:30,467 --> 00:39:34,005
I am your mother and I love you
like you were my own white child.

660
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:36,107
But I still hide my wallet
at night, just in case.

661
00:39:36,139 --> 00:39:37,741
As you should, Mother.

662
00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:39,710
It is awesome to meet you.

663
00:39:39,743 --> 00:39:41,645
Are you two dating?

664
00:39:41,677 --> 00:39:44,114
No, Mother,
we're not dating.

665
00:39:44,147 --> 00:39:46,082
We're just fucking. Hard.

666
00:39:46,116 --> 00:39:48,351
And quick.
Apparently, it's the best way.

667
00:39:48,384 --> 00:39:52,223
Well, I just can't tell you how
pleased I am to meet you, Hannah.

668
00:39:52,255 --> 00:39:55,225
I mean, you're the first woman
I've seen Christian with.

669
00:39:55,259 --> 00:39:57,328
I-I assumed
that he was...

670
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,563
What would Oprah say?
Um, on the DL?

671
00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:04,467
-Christian, you can do so much better.
-Mother.

672
00:40:04,500 --> 00:40:06,669
You're one of the richest, most
handsome men in the world.

673
00:40:06,703 --> 00:40:09,373
You could date white women,
like Tiger Woods and Seal.

674
00:40:09,406 --> 00:40:11,342
Okay, it's time
for you to go, Mother.

675
00:40:11,375 --> 00:40:14,045
Or like Taye Diggs
or Quincy Jones.

676
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:17,248
Or even Ice-T.
Um, Hannah?

677
00:40:17,281 --> 00:40:19,784
Christian's Chinese sister,
Mai, has come to town,

678
00:40:19,817 --> 00:40:22,719
so we're gonna hide the cats and
have the family over for dinner.

679
00:40:22,752 --> 00:40:24,687
-You should come.
-I'd be delighted.

680
00:40:24,721 --> 00:40:28,559
-It was really nice to meet you.
-Okay, great. Time to go, Mom.

681
00:40:31,395 --> 00:40:34,799
Where is my wallet?
Still there.

682
00:40:34,831 --> 00:40:36,567
-You just never know.
-Yeah.

683
00:40:37,701 --> 00:40:40,404
They're delicious.

684
00:40:40,436 --> 00:40:42,572
All right.

685
00:40:44,308 --> 00:40:46,277
We had breakfast.
Time to go.

686
00:40:46,310 --> 00:40:49,346
Look. Your Uber's here.
All right.

687
00:40:52,850 --> 00:40:54,585
Okay. What?

688
00:40:55,552 --> 00:40:56,820
Spit it out.

689
00:40:56,853 --> 00:41:01,658
Well, how did you get into this
whole dominant-submissive thing?

690
00:41:03,094 --> 00:41:06,597
It was one of my mother's really
close friends, and my music teacher.

691
00:41:07,630 --> 00:41:09,333
I was 16.

692
00:41:10,766 --> 00:41:12,402
She was older.

693
00:41:21,612 --> 00:41:24,380
Don't look so nervous,
Christian.

694
00:41:24,413 --> 00:41:29,419
All I ask is that you do
your very best.

695
00:41:29,453 --> 00:41:32,790
Um, I-I thought I was supposed
to be here for music lessons.

696
00:41:32,822 --> 00:41:35,225
Baby, you are.

697
00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:40,197
And... your lesson
starts right here.

698
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,302
Hey, hey. Snap.

699
00:41:45,335 --> 00:41:48,139
We got a regular
John Holmes here,

700
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,740
without the big dick
and the stamina.

701
00:41:49,772 --> 00:41:51,674
Okay. Again!

702
00:41:51,708 --> 00:41:53,277
One, two, three!

703
00:41:54,712 --> 00:41:57,764
Do you know why I hit you
with that tambourine, Black?

704
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:58,782
I have no idea.

705
00:41:58,815 --> 00:42:00,501
Were you rushing
or were you dragging?

706
00:42:00,502 --> 00:42:02,186
I thought I was fucking.

707
00:42:02,219 --> 00:42:04,489
That wasn't fucking!

708
00:42:05,522 --> 00:42:07,224
Now, count off.

709
00:42:07,257 --> 00:42:09,360
One, two...

710
00:42:09,393 --> 00:42:11,595
Was I rushing
or was I dragging?

711
00:42:11,627 --> 00:42:12,779
Answer the question!

712
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:13,930
You were rushing!

713
00:42:13,964 --> 00:42:17,634
Is that a tear?
Poor little guy.

714
00:42:17,668 --> 00:42:18,970
Are you upset?

715
00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,271
I'm upset.

716
00:42:20,304 --> 00:42:24,708
You worthless, adopted,
unloved little piece of shit.

717
00:42:24,741 --> 00:42:29,813
Weeping and slobbering over my
vagina like a nine-year-old girl.

718
00:42:29,846 --> 00:42:34,217
Now, for the last father-fucking time,
say it louder so I can hear it!

719
00:42:34,250 --> 00:42:35,802
I'm upset!

720
00:42:35,803 --> 00:42:37,353
Black,
get off the bed!

721
00:42:37,386 --> 00:42:39,222
-You make me sick.
-But I'm upset.

722
00:42:39,255 --> 00:42:41,792
Get off the bed.
You're not ready for this.

723
00:42:41,824 --> 00:42:44,761
I'm ready!

724
00:42:44,795 --> 00:42:47,531
Willy?
Willy, you're up next.

725
00:42:47,563 --> 00:42:48,372
Willy?

726
00:42:48,373 --> 00:42:50,801
You better get your
shit together, Black.

727
00:42:50,833 --> 00:42:53,703
You're not gonna amount to
anything, sexually or musically.

728
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:57,308
And you know what the biggest
disappointment of all is to me?

729
00:42:57,340 --> 00:43:01,679
I thought all you black men
had rhythm and a big dick.

730
00:43:01,712 --> 00:43:03,581
Boy, was I mistaken.

731
00:43:04,781 --> 00:43:06,717
I have rhythm!

732
00:43:08,652 --> 00:43:12,255
You're all set, Miss Steale.
Courtesy of Mr. Black.

733
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:16,594
What the heck?

734
00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:23,433
What is that? Is that a drone?

735
00:43:23,467 --> 00:43:25,570
All right, just sign here.

736
00:43:28,871 --> 00:43:30,473
Thank you very much.

737
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,983
Girl,
another gift?

738
00:43:39,016 --> 00:43:41,552
Damn, you must be
giving that bomb head!

739
00:43:41,585 --> 00:43:45,755
Wait a minute. Is that a
retina display MacBook Pro?

740
00:43:45,788 --> 00:43:49,259
-Bitch, you lickin' out butthole!
-I didn't lick a butthole.

741
00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:50,861
Shit, you lucky, girl.

742
00:43:50,893 --> 00:43:52,996
I licked six buttholes
last week.

743
00:43:53,029 --> 00:43:54,831
I got a Dell.

744
00:43:54,864 --> 00:43:56,567
Desktop.

745
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,969
I can't take that shit anywhere, girl.
That mail come already?

746
00:44:00,002 --> 00:44:05,475
No. It's this weird sex contract
Christian wants me to sign.

747
00:44:05,509 --> 00:44:09,446
You sign that, but then you get
that paper, boo. All right?

748
00:44:09,478 --> 00:44:11,614
A bitch gotta get hers.

749
00:44:11,647 --> 00:44:13,650
You keep licking
that booty, okay?

750
00:44:48,819 --> 00:44:50,688
We're done?

751
00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:52,956
-What?
-Yeah, I read your text.

752
00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:55,659
"Face,
sparkly diamond, poop"?

753
00:44:55,692 --> 00:44:58,628
What does that even mean? You got
me all fucked up with your emojis.

754
00:44:58,661 --> 00:45:01,431
-Hey, how did you get in here?
-Does it matter?

755
00:45:01,464 --> 00:45:03,422
Yes, actually, it does
matter, because you

756
00:45:03,423 --> 00:45:05,335
don't live here and
you don't have a key.

757
00:45:05,368 --> 00:45:08,938
You don't need a key
to get in a hamper, Hannah.

758
00:45:08,971 --> 00:45:11,607
Here, now, help me
outta here.

759
00:45:11,641 --> 00:45:15,979
You're lucky I wasn't in your
medicine cabinet or your jewelry box.

760
00:45:16,011 --> 00:45:17,980
I tried to hide
in your nightstand,

761
00:45:18,014 --> 00:45:20,884
but you had this Gideon Bible
in there and I couldn't fit.

762
00:45:20,917 --> 00:45:23,520
Wait a minute. Did you break
in through that window?

763
00:45:23,552 --> 00:45:26,089
This one? No.
That could've been anybody.

764
00:45:26,123 --> 00:45:29,993
The brick on the ground says,
"Property of Christian Black."

765
00:45:30,025 --> 00:45:31,895
"Christian..."

766
00:45:31,927 --> 00:45:34,063
Yeah, yeah, I-it does.

767
00:45:34,096 --> 00:45:38,703
But I mean, that could belong to any
black Christian, right? I mean... Okay.

768
00:45:39,735 --> 00:45:41,404
Enough...

769
00:45:41,438 --> 00:45:43,874
with the interrogation.

770
00:45:43,906 --> 00:45:45,875
Come here.

771
00:46:17,873 --> 00:46:21,145
Do not... move,

772
00:46:21,177 --> 00:46:24,447
or I'll be forced to punish you.

773
00:46:40,063 --> 00:46:41,332
I said, don't move.

774
00:46:41,333 --> 00:46:42,600
Okay.

775
00:46:43,699 --> 00:46:46,703
That feels weird.
What is that?

776
00:46:46,735 --> 00:46:48,438
So hairy.

777
00:46:57,047 --> 00:46:59,516
Yeah! Yes!

778
00:46:59,549 --> 00:47:02,420
Wait, wait, wait. Don't move.
Don't, don't... Don't.

779
00:47:12,661 --> 00:47:15,799
Damn it, that shit was cold!

780
00:47:19,735 --> 00:47:22,005
-Are you ready, Miss Steale?
-Yes, Christian.

781
00:47:31,714 --> 00:47:33,450
You brought a condom, right?

782
00:47:33,949 --> 00:47:35,485
A... a condom?

783
00:47:35,518 --> 00:47:37,253
-Yeah.
-O-Okay.

784
00:47:37,286 --> 00:47:40,823
Yeah, of course... of course I got
a condom. Hold on one second.

785
00:47:40,857 --> 00:47:42,692
Goddamn it.

786
00:47:42,726 --> 00:47:46,128
Just knowing you care enough
to use protection excites me.

787
00:47:46,161 --> 00:47:48,931
Aha. Old trusty-dusty.

788
00:47:51,067 --> 00:47:52,235
"March, 1982"?

789
00:47:52,268 --> 00:47:53,904
Hell no.

790
00:47:53,936 --> 00:47:56,806
Yeah, I got one right here.
I found it.

791
00:47:56,839 --> 00:48:00,009
Here, let me open it up
so you can hear it.

792
00:48:06,148 --> 00:48:07,851
Okay.

793
00:48:07,884 --> 00:48:11,755
I'm just gonna scoot these
little bad boys to the side.

794
00:48:11,788 --> 00:48:14,123
And then I'm gonna
park this right there.

795
00:48:14,156 --> 00:48:16,893
My God,
it feels so natural.

796
00:48:16,927 --> 00:48:19,596
It's like you're not
wearing anything at all.

797
00:48:19,628 --> 00:48:21,230
It's lambskin foreskin.

798
00:48:24,134 --> 00:48:25,402
J-just relax.

799
00:48:25,435 --> 00:48:29,238
<i>No, not you. I'm talking to myself.
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.</i>

800
00:48:29,272 --> 00:48:31,007
Okay?

801
00:48:31,040 --> 00:48:32,743
Ready?

802
00:48:37,846 --> 00:48:40,984
That was like two strokes!

803
00:48:41,016 --> 00:48:44,754
This nigga's back here
settin' records!

804
00:48:44,788 --> 00:48:47,023
They gonna put me
on a Wheaties box!

805
00:48:47,056 --> 00:48:49,759
-Thank God you're wearing a condom.
-I know.

806
00:48:49,793 --> 00:48:53,230
'Cause, boy, we wouldn't want
to get you pregnant, right?

807
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:56,933
I know. I'm not even taking any
birth control. And I'm ovulating.

808
00:48:56,967 --> 00:48:59,269
Did I tell you that
twins run in my family?

809
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:00,037
Twins?

810
00:49:00,069 --> 00:49:01,304
My sister had sextuplets.

811
00:49:01,337 --> 00:49:03,839
Sextup...

812
00:49:03,873 --> 00:49:05,641
Really?

813
00:49:05,674 --> 00:49:07,610
Let me just get
an after-sex mint.

814
00:49:08,177 --> 00:49:09,779
Here. H-Here.

815
00:49:09,813 --> 00:49:11,715
Have one of these.
Here you go.

816
00:49:11,748 --> 00:49:12,966
Yeah.

817
00:49:12,967 --> 00:49:14,184
It tastes weird.

818
00:49:14,217 --> 00:49:16,920
All gone?!

819
00:49:16,953 --> 00:49:19,089
Good girl.

820
00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:00,096
Shall we begin,
Miss Steale?

821
00:50:00,130 --> 00:50:03,032
Page one, paragraph one.

822
00:50:03,065 --> 00:50:04,801
This must change.

823
00:50:05,735 --> 00:50:07,104
There's a typo in the header.

824
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:10,807
-That's it?
-Mr. Black.

825
00:50:10,839 --> 00:50:14,176
I will end this negotiation
right now.

826
00:50:14,210 --> 00:50:16,713
My apologies.

827
00:50:16,746 --> 00:50:18,849
Page four, section 13.20.

828
00:50:18,882 --> 00:50:22,351
-With regards to anal fisting...
-Is... Is there a problem?

829
00:50:22,384 --> 00:50:25,187
Absolutely not.

830
00:50:25,221 --> 00:50:27,090
And strike out vaginal fisting.

831
00:50:27,123 --> 00:50:30,027
If you're gonna do anal, you're
obviously gonna have vaginal fisting.

832
00:50:30,060 --> 00:50:32,728
-I mean, it's a given.
-For sure. I will put that...

833
00:50:32,761 --> 00:50:34,797
I'm putting that
in there in bold.

834
00:50:34,831 --> 00:50:37,067
Next page, sex toys.

835
00:50:37,100 --> 00:50:39,735
"Are they acceptable
to the submissive?"

836
00:50:39,768 --> 00:50:41,937
Dildos. I guess.

837
00:50:41,971 --> 00:50:44,741
-Butt plugs, fine.
-Fuck yeah.

838
00:50:44,773 --> 00:50:47,143
How did this slip through the cracks?
What's with the genital clamps?

839
00:50:47,177 --> 00:50:51,114
Sorry, Miss Steale. I can't
seem to find those in my...

840
00:50:51,147 --> 00:50:53,217
<i>Because you forgot
to put them in there.</i>

841
00:50:54,217 --> 00:50:56,052
Rookie move, Mr. Black.

842
00:50:56,786 --> 00:50:58,054
Silly me.

843
00:51:04,761 --> 00:51:06,163
Let's be clear.

844
00:51:06,196 --> 00:51:10,199
I will not share you
with another woman.

845
00:51:10,232 --> 00:51:12,768
-I require at least two or three.
-Five.

846
00:51:12,802 --> 00:51:14,705
-Seven.
-Seven it is.

847
00:51:14,737 --> 00:51:16,906
You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr.
Black.

848
00:51:16,940 --> 00:51:19,275
You drive a hard bargain,
Miss Steale.

849
00:51:19,308 --> 00:51:20,543
Thank you.

850
00:51:20,576 --> 00:51:24,046
Miss Steale, I'd like to fuck you
into the middle of next month.

851
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,215
Silly.

852
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:28,385
You couldn't fuck me into the
middle of the next minute.

853
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:30,454
I'll fuck you
into a different galaxy.

854
00:51:30,487 --> 00:51:32,355
You'll be, "Shit,
it's cold in Pluto!"

855
00:51:32,388 --> 00:51:35,225
Yeah, well, I'm gonna fuck you
at the Stephen Hawking exhibit

856
00:51:35,257 --> 00:51:36,973
and I'm gonna ram
your ass so hard that

857
00:51:36,974 --> 00:51:38,861
I cause a tear in the
time-space continuum.

858
00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:41,764
I'll fuck you through slavery times,
and you'll get your freedom papers.

859
00:51:41,797 --> 00:51:43,759
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
rent me a DeLorean

860
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:45,067
and fuck you back to the future.

861
00:51:45,101 --> 00:51:46,815
<i>I'll fuck you into a
whole nother planet,</i>

862
00:51:46,816 --> 00:51:48,338
<i>where that insect
is from Men in Black.</i>

863
00:51:48,371 --> 00:51:50,807
You'd be like, "Shit.
How many times you fuck me?"

864
00:51:50,839 --> 00:51:53,275
Three million,
746 hundred million times.

865
00:51:53,308 --> 00:51:55,344
You'd be like, "Why?"
I'd be like, "Shut up."

866
00:51:55,377 --> 00:51:57,780
And I hit you
with the neuron, like...

867
00:51:59,047 --> 00:52:01,083
You'd be like,

868
00:52:01,116 --> 00:52:03,986
"My God.
Why is my vagina so sore?"

869
00:52:04,020 --> 00:52:06,523
And I'd be like,
"You fell."

870
00:52:06,556 --> 00:52:09,259
Well played, Mr. Black.

871
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:10,994
I've done this before.

872
00:52:12,795 --> 00:52:15,799
And he's a major beneficiary
of our university.

873
00:52:15,831 --> 00:52:19,002
Interestingly enough,
he donates all cash.

874
00:52:19,034 --> 00:52:22,339
Usually in ones, fives, 20s.

875
00:52:22,371 --> 00:52:25,509
The odd rolled-up $100 bill that's
got a little bit of powder on it.

876
00:52:25,542 --> 00:52:29,112
Please welcome
Mr. Christian Black.

877
00:52:33,183 --> 00:52:36,152
You tellin' all my business?
Don't get cut.

878
00:52:38,453 --> 00:52:42,859
Thank you. Let's talk about
life and your purpose.

879
00:52:42,891 --> 00:52:47,531
You all spent four hard years in
this school getting your diploma,

880
00:52:47,563 --> 00:52:49,832
putting your parents in debt.

881
00:52:51,167 --> 00:52:52,235
For what?

882
00:52:52,268 --> 00:52:56,907
Between global warming
and the world economy crashing,

883
00:52:56,940 --> 00:52:59,476
I don't even know why you're
trying to better yourselves.

884
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:01,811
Give up hope.

885
00:53:01,844 --> 00:53:04,947
Think about it.
You are wasting time.

886
00:53:04,980 --> 00:53:07,883
You. You're a drug addict
waiting to happen.

887
00:53:07,917 --> 00:53:11,087
Look at you. You can't wait to get
outta here and smoke some weed.

888
00:53:11,119 --> 00:53:13,889
And you, you are a stripper.

889
00:53:13,922 --> 00:53:16,859
Your ass is twerkin'
as I'm sitting here talking.

890
00:53:16,893 --> 00:53:18,494
You can find
a rhythm in anything.

891
00:53:18,527 --> 00:53:19,962
And you, sir...

892
00:53:19,996 --> 00:53:23,166
Well, you're white.
You'll be fine.

893
00:53:23,199 --> 00:53:26,302
So, in closing,
I would like to say,

894
00:53:26,335 --> 00:53:30,373
"Thank God I'm not you."

895
00:53:31,440 --> 00:53:33,009
Kateesha!

896
00:53:33,042 --> 00:53:34,476
-Girl!
-My God, we did it!

897
00:53:34,509 --> 00:53:36,412
I'm so proud of you.

898
00:53:36,413 --> 00:53:38,314
Who you tellin'?
I was close, girl.

899
00:53:38,348 --> 00:53:41,016
I was one hand job away
from losing "valevictorian"

900
00:53:41,049 --> 00:53:44,019
to that bitch,
Lindsey Hung, right?

901
00:53:44,052 --> 00:53:46,056
-What are you talking...
-Shut up.

902
00:53:46,089 --> 00:53:48,190
I see that bitch.
She talkin' shit.

903
00:53:48,223 --> 00:53:51,627
She gonna need a gynecologist when
I'm done fucking that bitch up.

904
00:53:51,661 --> 00:53:55,632
All right. Girl, I see you later.
I'm-a go punch a bitch in the throat.

905
00:53:55,665 --> 00:53:57,933
Lindsey!
You bilingual bitch!

906
00:53:57,967 --> 00:54:00,003
So proud of you.

907
00:54:00,036 --> 00:54:01,121
Hannah!

908
00:54:01,122 --> 00:54:02,205
Dad!

909
00:54:02,237 --> 00:54:05,074
I'm so happy to see you.

910
00:54:05,107 --> 00:54:07,409
I'm so proud of you.

911
00:54:07,442 --> 00:54:09,979
You know, I thought you'd
turn out not to be shit.

912
00:54:10,013 --> 00:54:13,415
But you end up looking real good,
being that you from a drunken whore.

913
00:54:13,449 --> 00:54:15,051
Yeah.

914
00:54:15,083 --> 00:54:16,652
Yeah, your mama's
over at the rehab.

915
00:54:16,685 --> 00:54:19,021
Twenty-seven times
is a fucking charm.

916
00:54:19,054 --> 00:54:20,656
-Isn't it?
-Yeah, it's a fucking charm.

917
00:54:20,690 --> 00:54:25,095
-Hey, where are my other stepdads?
-Right over there.

918
00:54:25,127 --> 00:54:27,296
Jonny Quest, B.B. King.

919
00:54:27,330 --> 00:54:29,331
I don't know who that nigga
is with their shirt off.

920
00:54:29,364 --> 00:54:32,002
That must be your birth daddy.
Yeah, it's all good.

921
00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:34,170
What a great bunch of guys.

922
00:54:34,203 --> 00:54:36,639
And you know the old saying...
"It takes a village."

923
00:54:36,672 --> 00:54:40,643
And that's true, especially when it
comes to your mom being a gutter slut

924
00:54:40,677 --> 00:54:44,114
and the village is a gang bang.

925
00:54:44,147 --> 00:54:45,399
"The village is a gang bang."

926
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:46,650
Hannah!

927
00:54:46,683 --> 00:54:48,652
-Hi.
-Hi.

928
00:54:48,685 --> 00:54:50,520
Hey, hey, hey,
hold up, playa!

929
00:54:50,552 --> 00:54:52,989
Shit, how you gonna walk up
and kiss the girl that I raised?

930
00:54:53,022 --> 00:54:54,290
What kind of shit is this?

931
00:54:54,324 --> 00:54:57,527
Ron, this is my boyfriend,
Christian Black.

932
00:54:57,560 --> 00:54:59,328
Boyfriend?

933
00:54:59,362 --> 00:55:02,165
Ron, to be honest with you,
I just fucked her a few times.

934
00:55:02,197 --> 00:55:04,695
"Boyfriend" makes it
sound serious, like...

935
00:55:04,696 --> 00:55:07,136
like I went raw. I might've
dipped, but...

936
00:55:07,170 --> 00:55:09,706
-Are you thinkin' about marrying her?
-No.

937
00:55:09,739 --> 00:55:12,275
-What if she get pregnant?
-Still no.

938
00:55:12,308 --> 00:55:13,443
But hell no.

939
00:55:16,212 --> 00:55:19,181
I like this mother!

940
00:55:19,214 --> 00:55:21,417
-I like this nigga right here.
-I fucks with your stepdad.

941
00:55:21,451 --> 00:55:24,621
You know what? From playa to playa,
Black, I really like you, man.

942
00:55:24,654 --> 00:55:27,356
You can fuck anybody you
wanna fuck, you hear me?

943
00:55:27,357 --> 00:55:28,257
Thank you.

944
00:55:28,290 --> 00:55:31,193
Just don't pass her around
like we did her mama.

945
00:55:31,226 --> 00:55:32,728
-That's all I ask you to do.
-Yes, sir.

946
00:55:32,761 --> 00:55:35,213
We passed your mama around
like a baton, man. Yeah.

947
00:55:35,214 --> 00:55:36,031
Yeah.

948
00:55:36,065 --> 00:55:38,168
You never told me that
about your mother.

949
00:55:38,201 --> 00:55:40,170
Your mother fucked everybody
in the neighborhood,

950
00:55:40,203 --> 00:55:42,639
then wanted to settle down
with me, and I went for it.

951
00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:44,382
I gotta hang out with
you, man, get your

952
00:55:44,383 --> 00:55:46,176
knowledge, 'cause you
got a lot of wisdom.

953
00:55:46,208 --> 00:55:48,944
I got a lot of wisdom
and I been through a lot.

954
00:55:48,945 --> 00:55:50,312
I done been with a lot of hos.

955
00:55:50,346 --> 00:55:53,350
-Yes.
-And the smells that's on my fingers...

956
00:55:53,382 --> 00:55:55,085
-Shit!
-Over all the years...

957
00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,987
-What?!
-Still has never went away.

958
00:55:57,020 --> 00:55:59,389
Damn! Sir!

959
00:55:59,422 --> 00:56:02,292
-I smell every last single one of 'em.
-Yes, man.

960
00:56:02,324 --> 00:56:05,027
It was like beautiful and
horrible at the same time.

961
00:56:05,060 --> 00:56:07,596
Yes, I've stuck my hands
in some of the nastiest

962
00:56:07,630 --> 00:56:10,000
-bitches' pants all over the world.
-Have you?

963
00:56:10,032 --> 00:56:11,901
Really?

964
00:56:11,902 --> 00:56:13,770
Asia, Malaysia, Congo.

965
00:56:13,802 --> 00:56:15,605
That's Dubai
right there.

966
00:56:15,638 --> 00:56:17,607
I smell the hair.

967
00:56:17,639 --> 00:56:20,409
Touched a bitch booty hole
in Dubai at the airport.

968
00:56:20,442 --> 00:56:22,711
I bet you could probably
spit a lot of game to me.

969
00:56:22,744 --> 00:56:25,147
Let me get a picture
of me and you.

970
00:56:25,181 --> 00:56:27,516
No, no, baby. Just me and him.
Ready? One, two, three.

971
00:56:27,549 --> 00:56:29,151
Niggas!

972
00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:35,491
Where are we going?

973
00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:40,196
-Congratulations, Hannah.
-That's a car.

974
00:56:40,228 --> 00:56:42,098
With a broken window.

975
00:56:42,130 --> 00:56:44,033
Do you like it?

976
00:56:46,469 --> 00:56:48,104
Yeah.

977
00:56:48,136 --> 00:56:50,072
It's... nice.

978
00:56:50,105 --> 00:56:52,374
You know what I went through
to steal this car?

979
00:56:52,407 --> 00:56:55,511
I mean,
the car was a steal.

980
00:56:57,145 --> 00:56:59,248
-Did you just roll your eyes at me?
-No.

981
00:56:59,281 --> 00:57:01,283
Listen, there's only
two things I hate...

982
00:57:01,317 --> 00:57:03,619
When you roll your eyes
at me and Craisins.

983
00:57:03,652 --> 00:57:06,089
Like, what is a Craisin?

984
00:57:06,121 --> 00:57:08,257
It's not a cranberry.
It's not a raisin.

985
00:57:08,290 --> 00:57:11,093
Like, it doesn't
even make sense.

986
00:57:11,127 --> 00:57:12,762
You just rolled
your eyes at me again.

987
00:57:12,795 --> 00:57:14,563
-No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did.

988
00:57:14,596 --> 00:57:17,299
I have it on tape. Check this out.
Look at this.

989
00:57:19,402 --> 00:57:23,173
What she doing? She's rolling her eye.
Look at that.

990
00:57:23,206 --> 00:57:24,474
How did you do that?

991
00:57:24,475 --> 00:57:25,742
Come on.
You, with me, now.

992
00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:28,778
Teach you a little lesson about
rolling your eyes. Come on.

993
00:57:35,384 --> 00:57:37,853
Now, do you know why
I'm gonna punish you?

994
00:57:37,886 --> 00:57:40,422
Because you're a sicko
who likes abusing women.

995
00:57:40,456 --> 00:57:44,127
While there may be some truth
to that, that's not the reason.

996
00:57:44,726 --> 00:57:46,495
Because I rolled my eyes.

997
00:57:46,529 --> 00:57:48,565
Bingo.

998
00:57:53,703 --> 00:57:58,275
This is gonna hurt you a whole lot
more than it's gonna hurt me.

999
00:58:04,714 --> 00:58:07,650
Welcome to my world.

1000
00:58:07,683 --> 00:58:09,652
God!

1001
00:58:09,685 --> 00:58:11,321
Fuck!

1002
00:58:11,353 --> 00:58:14,491
-That hurt!
-Did you do it?

1003
00:58:17,627 --> 00:58:20,330
Okay, 15 across...
"Winter beverage."

1004
00:58:20,362 --> 00:58:22,531
Nothing? You don't feel nothing?

1005
00:58:23,232 --> 00:58:24,701
I love knitting.

1006
00:58:26,569 --> 00:58:28,871
Aaah.

1007
00:58:30,772 --> 00:58:33,909
Are you gonna spank me? All
this buildup is getting boring.

1008
00:58:33,942 --> 00:58:38,614
Okay, okay, you wanna play? I got
something for you. Excuse me.

1009
00:58:40,917 --> 00:58:42,752
Enough of your games.

1010
00:58:42,784 --> 00:58:45,754
-It's about to get real dark in here.
-Sure.

1011
00:58:47,790 --> 00:58:49,792
Are you gonna find something
that actually works?

1012
00:58:49,824 --> 00:58:52,494
Big brother almighty!

1013
00:58:52,527 --> 00:58:54,630
Whoo!

1014
00:58:56,799 --> 00:59:00,369
That was my
sorority paddle!

1015
00:59:00,402 --> 00:59:03,605
You know, Hannah...

1016
00:59:03,639 --> 00:59:05,508
I didn't wanna have
to do this to you,

1017
00:59:05,540 --> 00:59:07,910
but you've been
a naughty girl.

1018
00:59:12,547 --> 00:59:14,583
Did you break
my fucking stool?

1019
00:59:14,616 --> 00:59:16,519
No.

1020
00:59:17,552 --> 00:59:19,788
I think I'm pretty good
at this.

1021
00:59:24,860 --> 00:59:27,263
I don't...
I don't understand.

1022
00:59:27,295 --> 00:59:29,331
I fucking hit you
with everything.

1023
00:59:29,364 --> 00:59:30,982
I don't get it.

1024
00:59:30,983 --> 00:59:31,599
Don't feel bad.

1025
00:59:31,634 --> 00:59:34,503
I haven't really felt anything down
there since I got my butt implants.

1026
00:59:34,536 --> 00:59:37,674
I'll just... I'll see you back
at my place tomorrow. Yeah.

1027
00:59:55,991 --> 00:59:59,562
When we are in this room,
you do as I say.

1028
01:00:00,496 --> 01:00:01,581
Is that understood?

1029
01:00:01,582 --> 01:00:02,665
Yes.

1030
01:00:02,697 --> 01:00:03,699
Yes who?

1031
01:00:03,700 --> 01:00:04,701
Yes, sir.

1032
01:00:04,734 --> 01:00:06,335
Good girl.

1033
01:00:07,837 --> 01:00:09,438
Hands up.

1034
01:00:22,884 --> 01:00:24,786
Turn around.

1035
01:00:24,819 --> 01:00:26,655
On your knees.

1036
01:00:26,688 --> 01:00:28,324
Stay.

1037
01:00:36,498 --> 01:00:38,767
Don't look at me!

1038
01:00:52,848 --> 01:00:55,252
Raise your hand.

1039
01:01:10,799 --> 01:01:13,468
-Did that hurt?
-No.

1040
01:01:13,502 --> 01:01:18,842
Sometimes the pain
is in your mind.

1041
01:01:35,958 --> 01:01:38,695
Goddamn it! Motherfuck!

1042
01:01:38,728 --> 01:01:42,565
<i>And sometimes the pain
is not in your mind.</i>

1043
01:01:42,598 --> 01:01:45,601
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

1044
01:01:45,634 --> 01:01:47,186
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

1045
01:01:47,187 --> 01:01:48,737
What a jerk.

1046
01:01:48,770 --> 01:01:50,706
Whoo-hoo!

1047
01:01:52,942 --> 01:01:56,446
I have a very important question
to ask you, Miss Steale.

1048
01:01:57,145 --> 01:01:59,414
-Where is bin Laden?
-What?

1049
01:01:59,447 --> 01:02:01,016
Where is bin Laden?

1050
01:02:01,049 --> 01:02:03,885
When was the last time
you saw bin Laden?

1051
01:02:03,918 --> 01:02:06,022
Where is he?

1052
01:02:06,054 --> 01:02:07,956
I don't know!

1053
01:02:07,989 --> 01:02:10,525
He's been dead
for five years!

1054
01:02:10,558 --> 01:02:12,394
I don't keep up
on current events!

1055
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:20,737
And now
the real torture begins.

1056
01:02:22,438 --> 01:02:25,475
Where were we?

1057
01:02:26,542 --> 01:02:28,710
I can't remember the safe word.

1058
01:02:28,743 --> 01:02:30,846
Chapter 23.

1059
01:02:32,815 --> 01:02:36,552
"It was a cold,
gloomy day in Seattle."

1060
01:02:36,585 --> 01:02:40,523
God, this book is
50 shades of fucking terrible.

1061
01:02:40,556 --> 01:02:43,659
Who wrote this,
a third-grader?

1062
01:02:43,692 --> 01:02:46,429
Please go back
to the water torture thing!

1063
01:02:52,534 --> 01:02:54,436
-What's your safe word?
-Stop it!

1064
01:02:54,469 --> 01:02:55,971
What's your safe word?

1065
01:02:56,005 --> 01:02:57,607
I don't know.

1066
01:02:57,639 --> 01:03:00,042
Please, just...
Are you gonna let me down now?

1067
01:03:00,074 --> 01:03:01,910
Yes, Miss Steale.

1068
01:03:04,612 --> 01:03:07,984
If I could just...
find these keys.

1069
01:03:08,016 --> 01:03:09,585
You don't see the keys?

1070
01:03:09,618 --> 01:03:11,654
No, I know where they are.
I just...

1071
01:03:11,686 --> 01:03:13,922
God, my arms are really
starting to hurt.

1072
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:16,025
I got an idea.

1073
01:03:16,058 --> 01:03:18,661
See, most people use a universal
lock key in their sex dungeons

1074
01:03:18,694 --> 01:03:20,061
for reasons just like this.

1075
01:03:20,096 --> 01:03:24,167
But what you got here is an over-molded
swivel key. That's a custom job.

1076
01:03:24,199 --> 01:03:26,502
You're gonna need somebody
else to take a look at this.

1077
01:03:26,534 --> 01:03:28,136
Yeah, I don't know
what to tell ya.

1078
01:03:28,170 --> 01:03:30,172
Next time, I'd put one
of those tracker app

1079
01:03:30,173 --> 01:03:31,507
things on the key
so you don't lose it.

1080
01:03:31,540 --> 01:03:33,042
-What are they called?
-I know the name.

1081
01:03:33,074 --> 01:03:35,645
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It starts with a "T."

1082
01:03:35,677 --> 01:03:36,695
Maybe T-Temp?

1083
01:03:36,696 --> 01:03:37,712
Tele...

1084
01:03:37,746 --> 01:03:39,682
-Telepathy?
-Hey, dipshits!

1085
01:03:39,714 --> 01:03:43,652
-It's called a Tile.
-Tile! Yeah!

1086
01:03:43,685 --> 01:03:46,555
-Holy shit! You're good.
-You went to college! Hell, yeah!

1087
01:03:46,589 --> 01:03:48,056
Come on, come on!

1088
01:03:48,089 --> 01:03:51,126
I've picked a lot of locks, but
never seen anything like this.

1089
01:03:51,159 --> 01:03:53,495
-Man, it's impressive.
-Thank you.

1090
01:03:53,529 --> 01:03:55,898
Yeah. I got nothing.
Who's next?

1091
01:03:55,931 --> 01:03:58,000
Who's next? What are you
guys, Ocean's Eleven?

1092
01:03:58,032 --> 01:04:00,536
How many more fuckups
you gonna bring in here?

1093
01:04:00,569 --> 01:04:03,505
Stand back!

1094
01:04:03,538 --> 01:04:06,241
On the count of three,
the Great Mysterio

1095
01:04:06,275 --> 01:04:09,110
shall command
these shackles unlocked!

1096
01:04:09,143 --> 01:04:11,813
One! Do not divert your gaze.

1097
01:04:11,846 --> 01:04:14,082
<i>Two! Illusion.</i>

1098
01:04:14,116 --> 01:04:16,752
Three! Mysterio!

1099
01:04:16,784 --> 01:04:18,186
Thank you.

1100
01:04:18,219 --> 01:04:20,055
Yeah, that didn't work.

1101
01:04:20,089 --> 01:04:22,025
-All the locks are still there.
-Nothing happened!

1102
01:04:23,692 --> 01:04:25,962
-I got nothing, guys.
-God. Jesus Christ.

1103
01:04:25,994 --> 01:04:28,830
Speaking of disappearing, I
have a bar mitzvah in one hour.

1104
01:04:28,864 --> 01:04:31,801
Mysterio!

1105
01:04:31,833 --> 01:04:34,569
Damn!
My God!

1106
01:04:41,677 --> 01:04:44,481
This was not in the contract!

1107
01:04:49,284 --> 01:04:51,587
Where are we going?

1108
01:04:51,619 --> 01:04:54,623
To my parents' house.
For dinner.

1109
01:04:54,656 --> 01:04:57,192
-You look lovely.
-Thank you.

1110
01:05:00,194 --> 01:05:02,197
Where did you learn to dance?

1111
01:05:02,230 --> 01:05:05,133
At this little club in Tampa.

1112
01:05:39,101 --> 01:05:40,537
Yeah!

1113
01:05:42,136 --> 01:05:43,705
Whoo!

1114
01:05:46,775 --> 01:05:48,878
Fuck!

1115
01:06:02,625 --> 01:06:04,827
Take it off!

1116
01:07:27,976 --> 01:07:30,279
My God.
He's got a baby dick.

1117
01:07:34,183 --> 01:07:36,752
It's just the lighting!
It's bad lighting!

1118
01:07:36,784 --> 01:07:38,687
It's creating shadow.

1119
01:07:44,726 --> 01:07:46,795
It's not little!

1120
01:07:46,828 --> 01:07:49,064
You're just little people!

1121
01:07:52,868 --> 01:07:55,904
-Hi.
-You made it.

1122
01:07:55,938 --> 01:07:58,074
Hannah!
It's so good to see you.

1123
01:07:58,107 --> 01:07:59,592
Hi.

1124
01:07:59,593 --> 01:08:01,076
Hannah,
this is my dad, Gary.

1125
01:08:01,110 --> 01:08:04,313
Are we ever happy
to meet you, Hannah.

1126
01:08:04,346 --> 01:08:05,880
-Really?
-Yes.

1127
01:08:05,913 --> 01:08:08,216
I was sure
that Christian was gay.

1128
01:08:09,150 --> 01:08:12,221
He's well-groomed,
loves Lady Gaga,

1129
01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:14,790
can't take his eyes off
of Anderson Cooper.

1130
01:08:14,822 --> 01:08:17,192
What kind of Republican
watches CNN?

1131
01:08:17,226 --> 01:08:21,797
Hi! I'm Mai.
It's so nice to meet you.

1132
01:08:21,829 --> 01:08:24,065
I can't believe
you're a Republican.

1133
01:08:24,098 --> 01:08:26,768
That's his deep, dark secret.

1134
01:08:26,802 --> 01:08:28,705
Shall we?

1135
01:08:29,972 --> 01:08:31,807
-I can't believe you're Republican.
-Sorry.

1136
01:08:34,375 --> 01:08:36,277
Mrs. Black,
this food looks amazing.

1137
01:08:36,311 --> 01:08:37,947
Thank you, Hannah.

1138
01:08:37,980 --> 01:08:40,215
Well, it was important to me
that our adopted children

1139
01:08:40,249 --> 01:08:42,885
were exposed to
their native cultures.

1140
01:08:42,918 --> 01:08:46,088
So, for Eli,
I have prepared Balangu.

1141
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:48,824
It's a spicy goat dish
from Nigeria.

1142
01:08:48,856 --> 01:08:51,127
And for Mai, of course,
we have Peking duck

1143
01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:53,095
from the Mandarin province
of China.

1144
01:08:53,128 --> 01:08:56,031
-I'm Korean.
-Don't be fresh, Mai.

1145
01:08:56,063 --> 01:08:58,901
There are billions
of starving Chinese children

1146
01:08:58,933 --> 01:09:01,169
who need their energy
to make sneakers for Nike.

1147
01:09:01,203 --> 01:09:04,005
And they would kill
for this meal.

1148
01:09:04,039 --> 01:09:07,777
For Christian, of course, we
have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.

1149
01:09:07,810 --> 01:09:10,446
It's a very popular dish
in Detroit, Michigan.

1150
01:09:10,478 --> 01:09:13,516
And your favorite,
of course... hot sauce.

1151
01:09:13,548 --> 01:09:15,250
Mom.

1152
01:09:15,284 --> 01:09:16,319
Thank you.

1153
01:09:16,352 --> 01:09:19,555
So, Hannah, are you interested
in having children?

1154
01:09:21,056 --> 01:09:23,526
Yes, I would,
if I met the right person.

1155
01:09:23,558 --> 01:09:29,264
You have no idea what joy we
have had from having our kids.

1156
01:09:29,298 --> 01:09:32,268
Mai's the one that I...
I worried about the most.

1157
01:09:32,301 --> 01:09:34,169
She was so sweet.

1158
01:09:34,203 --> 01:09:36,038
I mean,
it seemed almost inevitable

1159
01:09:36,070 --> 01:09:38,406
that she'd grow up one day
and run off with Gary

1160
01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:42,178
like that little director fellow... you
know, the one that married Mia Farrow?

1161
01:09:42,210 --> 01:09:45,013
Sweetheart, please stop.
She's our daughter.

1162
01:09:45,047 --> 01:09:47,148
She is a hot
little number though.

1163
01:09:48,549 --> 01:09:53,422
Hannah, I would really recommend
adopting underprivileged children.

1164
01:09:53,454 --> 01:09:57,892
That's really just
so sweet of you, Mrs. Black.

1165
01:09:57,926 --> 01:10:00,896
It is a great conversation
starter at charities.

1166
01:10:00,928 --> 01:10:04,299
-It helps your social standing.
-Give it to me.

1167
01:10:04,333 --> 01:10:06,020
And your vag doesn't
get stretched out

1168
01:10:06,021 --> 01:10:07,837
like an elastic band
at Cirque du Soleil.

1169
01:10:07,870 --> 01:10:09,438
Okay, Mom.
Mom, please.

1170
01:10:09,471 --> 01:10:11,973
There is just nothing
I wouldn't do for my children.

1171
01:10:12,007 --> 01:10:14,610
I even learned
to speak Mandarin for Mai.

1172
01:10:18,045 --> 01:10:21,883
Bang-fung-chow...

1173
01:10:23,418 --> 01:10:26,554
-That's not even a real language.
Hit that bottom!

1174
01:10:26,588 --> 01:10:29,191
So, Hannah,
where is your family from?

1175
01:10:29,223 --> 01:10:32,194
My mom
lives in Georgia.

1176
01:10:32,227 --> 01:10:34,230
Atlanta!

1177
01:10:34,262 --> 01:10:36,464
Then your mom
must be a stripper.

1178
01:10:36,498 --> 01:10:40,302
She actually lives in Savannah,
and she's just a housewife.

1179
01:10:40,334 --> 01:10:42,471
Sure she is, dear.

1180
01:10:42,504 --> 01:10:45,842
I'm gonna go and visit her,
actually, in a few days.

1181
01:10:46,607 --> 01:10:48,343
Drinks anyone? Drinkies?

1182
01:10:48,377 --> 01:10:49,645
I'll have two.

1183
01:10:49,678 --> 01:10:53,047
I'd love to, Mom, but I promised
Hannah I'd show her the estate.

1184
01:10:53,080 --> 01:10:54,616
Homestretch! Yes!

1185
01:10:54,650 --> 01:10:56,085
Excuse us, please.

1186
01:10:56,118 --> 01:10:57,953
It's grocery time.

1187
01:10:57,986 --> 01:11:01,991
It's like
I'm on air right now!

1188
01:11:03,458 --> 01:11:06,061
-How come you didn't tell me about her?
-Who, my mom?

1189
01:11:06,093 --> 01:11:08,297
My God, she has a nickname?

1190
01:11:10,197 --> 01:11:11,683
Do you love her?

1191
01:11:11,684 --> 01:11:13,168
Of course.
She's my mother.

1192
01:11:13,200 --> 01:11:16,304
God! How... How long
has this been going on?

1193
01:11:16,338 --> 01:11:17,940
Since birth.

1194
01:11:17,972 --> 01:11:19,407
Come on.
I can't compete with that.

1195
01:11:19,441 --> 01:11:22,645
Hey, you don't have to compete with it.
You're my boyfriend, she's my mom.

1196
01:11:22,678 --> 01:11:24,390
They're two totally
different relationships.

1197
01:11:24,391 --> 01:11:25,247
No, they're not.

1198
01:11:25,280 --> 01:11:27,249
Okay, Hannah,
you're mine, okay?

1199
01:11:27,281 --> 01:11:31,286
There's no mother, no brother, no
cousins, no second cousin removed,

1200
01:11:31,320 --> 01:11:33,621
no friends that you call cousin
'cause your parents are close.

1201
01:11:33,655 --> 01:11:34,823
There's none of that.

1202
01:11:34,824 --> 01:11:35,991
No play cousins?

1203
01:11:36,023 --> 01:11:37,576
No play cousins.

1204
01:11:37,577 --> 01:11:39,128
Christian, what do you want?

1205
01:11:39,160 --> 01:11:41,562
I want Kevin Hart
not to be in every movie!

1206
01:11:41,596 --> 01:11:43,365
Why? He's hilarious.

1207
01:11:43,397 --> 01:11:45,366
Come on, there's other black actors.
How about them?

1208
01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:46,423
<i>Well, like who?</i>

1209
01:11:46,424 --> 01:11:48,469
<i>It could've been Sam
Jackson in Ride Along.</i>

1210
01:11:48,503 --> 01:11:50,673
Who knows what kind of crazy
wig he would've been wearing.

1211
01:11:50,705 --> 01:11:52,191
<i>I thought you wanted me.</i>

1212
01:11:52,192 --> 01:11:53,676
What do you want,
love letters?

1213
01:11:53,709 --> 01:11:56,278
Hickeys?
Edible Arrangements?

1214
01:11:56,311 --> 01:11:59,048
You know, that's not even real flowers.
It's fucking fruit.

1215
01:11:59,080 --> 01:12:01,049
Yeah, but it's delicious.

1216
01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:02,651
And it's a start, okay?

1217
01:12:02,683 --> 01:12:06,288
And maybe we could advance
to a Tiffany's engagement ring

1218
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:08,623
and a wedding where we invite
500 of our closest friends,

1219
01:12:08,656 --> 01:12:11,427
and then we have seven kids,
and we live in a big house...

1220
01:12:11,459 --> 01:12:15,430
You had this whole thing
planned out?

1221
01:12:15,463 --> 01:12:18,132
You know, is it me
or is it hot in here? Shit.

1222
01:12:18,165 --> 01:12:20,235
You want me to be
somebody that I'm not.

1223
01:12:20,267 --> 01:12:22,270
No, no, it's not me
that's changing you.

1224
01:12:22,303 --> 01:12:24,472
<i>It's you
that's changing me.</i>

1225
01:12:24,505 --> 01:12:27,476
<i>Wait a minute. That's a line
from the movie Radio.</i>

1226
01:12:28,642 --> 01:12:30,145
-No, it's not.
-Yeah, yeah.

1227
01:12:30,178 --> 01:12:32,316
The movie with Cuba
Gooding Jr. where he

1228
01:12:32,317 --> 01:12:34,350
played this mentally
disabled athlete.

1229
01:12:34,383 --> 01:12:38,253
"It's not us that's teaching Radio.
It's Radio that's teaching us."

1230
01:12:38,285 --> 01:12:39,671
Nah,
mine is way different.

1231
01:12:39,672 --> 01:12:41,056
It's the same premise.

1232
01:12:41,088 --> 01:12:43,057
You complete me?

1233
01:12:43,090 --> 01:12:45,460
<i>Jerry Maguire,
also starring Cuba Gooding Jr.</i>

1234
01:12:45,494 --> 01:12:48,496
I don't understand
your whole fixation on him.

1235
01:12:48,530 --> 01:12:52,434
You know, all this time I thought
I wasn't in the right place,

1236
01:12:52,467 --> 01:12:54,469
but I was!

1237
01:12:54,503 --> 01:12:56,138
<i>That's Snow Dogs.</i>

1238
01:12:56,170 --> 01:12:59,508
Goddamn it! I gotta stop
bingeing on Netflix.

1239
01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:01,377
Hannah!

1240
01:13:20,529 --> 01:13:22,697
That song sounds so sad.

1241
01:13:22,731 --> 01:13:25,601
Not as sad as Luther Vandross's
"Dance With My Father."

1242
01:13:25,633 --> 01:13:29,270
God, that song tears me up.

1243
01:13:29,303 --> 01:13:32,708
<i>Every time I hear it, I just
wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"</i>

1244
01:13:32,740 --> 01:13:35,243
Christian, we have to talk.

1245
01:13:35,276 --> 01:13:37,162
You mean
like white people?

1246
01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:39,047
What's wrong with that?

1247
01:13:39,080 --> 01:13:41,516
Well, they just
talk a lot, you know?

1248
01:13:41,549 --> 01:13:43,384
They do it differently
than black people do.

1249
01:13:43,418 --> 01:13:45,654
White people don't like to argue.
They like to discuss.

1250
01:13:45,687 --> 01:13:48,590
Then they start throwing
around all these big SAT words

1251
01:13:48,623 --> 01:13:51,326
and putting a lot of emotional
guilt on each other.

1252
01:13:51,359 --> 01:13:54,096
It's just too much to deal with.
I like it the black way.

1253
01:13:54,129 --> 01:13:55,531
You know,
where we curse each other out.

1254
01:13:55,563 --> 01:13:57,732
We may fight,
and then we get cool again,

1255
01:13:57,766 --> 01:13:59,673
but we talk behind
each other's back like,

1256
01:13:59,674 --> 01:14:01,402
"No, I ain't fuckin'
with that bitch."

1257
01:14:01,436 --> 01:14:03,405
-But what you not gonna do...
-What you not gonna do...

1258
01:14:03,437 --> 01:14:05,273
-What you not...
-You not about to "not" me!

1259
01:14:05,307 --> 01:14:06,792
Don't let me get
to clappin', boo.

1260
01:14:06,793 --> 01:14:08,277
Hell, no.

1261
01:14:08,310 --> 01:14:10,611
See? That's...
That's communication.

1262
01:14:10,645 --> 01:14:13,081
I feel better already.

1263
01:14:13,848 --> 01:14:15,133
Christian.

1264
01:14:15,134 --> 01:14:16,418
Hey!

1265
01:14:24,459 --> 01:14:27,429
You're not upset because I haven't
signed the contract yet, are you?

1266
01:14:27,462 --> 01:14:30,432
I mean, it's not even legally
enforceable. You know that, right?

1267
01:14:30,464 --> 01:14:33,468
What's important here
are the rules.

1268
01:14:33,502 --> 01:14:35,736
And if you break them,
you should be punished.

1269
01:14:35,770 --> 01:14:37,189
How are you gonna punish me?

1270
01:14:37,190 --> 01:14:38,607
First off,
you'll get grounded.

1271
01:14:38,639 --> 01:14:41,375
I'll make you stand
in a corner for an hour.

1272
01:14:41,409 --> 01:14:44,679
Then I will send you to your room
without no supper, young lady.

1273
01:14:44,713 --> 01:14:48,317
Christian, this is crazy.
Why do you need to punish me?

1274
01:14:48,350 --> 01:14:50,585
Because I'm 51 shades
of fucked up!

1275
01:14:52,254 --> 01:14:55,724
You know, I'm five-four
seconds from wildin'.

1276
01:14:55,757 --> 01:14:57,860
I got three filets
for fryin'.

1277
01:14:57,892 --> 01:15:02,196
I got 99 problems,
but now a bitch is one!

1278
01:15:02,230 --> 01:15:04,866
That's a hundred problems,
Hannah.

1279
01:15:04,900 --> 01:15:09,204
I can only deal with so much.
Ninety-nine's fine.

1280
01:15:09,236 --> 01:15:12,373
A hundred just...
I can't even count that far.

1281
01:15:12,941 --> 01:15:14,343
Okay.

1282
01:15:15,544 --> 01:15:19,615
Then you show me the worst.
I wanna see how bad it can get.

1283
01:15:19,647 --> 01:15:22,884
No more of this pussy-ass punishment
you've been doling out thus far.

1284
01:15:22,918 --> 01:15:24,587
I wanna go all the way.

1285
01:15:26,754 --> 01:15:29,391
Is that something
that you think you can do?

1286
01:15:33,762 --> 01:15:35,297
Yes.

1287
01:15:35,797 --> 01:15:37,532
Bend over.

1288
01:15:59,788 --> 01:16:04,426
Nothin' says ass whuppin'
like good ol' Joe Jackson.

1289
01:16:05,427 --> 01:16:06,695
Hannah?

1290
01:16:07,963 --> 01:16:11,667
I'm gonna spank you six times.

1291
01:16:12,801 --> 01:16:15,670
I need you to count with me.

1292
01:16:19,975 --> 01:16:23,678
Goddamn it, motherfucker!

1293
01:16:23,712 --> 01:16:26,647
I said count with me.

1294
01:16:26,681 --> 01:16:28,549
One!

1295
01:16:28,583 --> 01:16:29,785
Two!

1296
01:16:29,817 --> 01:16:31,419
Jesus!

1297
01:16:31,453 --> 01:16:33,589
It hurts so bad,
I can't keep count.

1298
01:16:33,621 --> 01:16:35,958
-Where were we?
-I don't know.

1299
01:16:35,990 --> 01:16:37,825
Goddamn it, Hannah!

1300
01:16:37,859 --> 01:16:41,563
I don't know how to count, okay? My
crackhead mother never taught me.

1301
01:16:42,597 --> 01:16:45,000
How about this?
Let's try in Spanish.

1302
01:16:45,032 --> 01:16:46,968
<i>-Spanish?
-Sí.</i>

1303
01:16:47,002 --> 01:16:49,638
<i>Tres.</i>

1304
01:16:49,670 --> 01:16:51,906
<i>Cuatro.</i>

1305
01:16:51,940 --> 01:16:56,511
<i>I'm not too sure, but I think
cinco comes after tres.</i>

1306
01:16:56,544 --> 01:16:59,548
<i>Are you kidding me?
Cuatro comes after tres.</i>

1307
01:16:59,580 --> 01:17:02,316
Well, don't get mad at me.
I don't know Spanish.

1308
01:17:02,350 --> 01:17:04,285
Look, my crackhead
mother never taught

1309
01:17:04,286 --> 01:17:06,320
me how to count or
how to speak spanish.

1310
01:17:06,353 --> 01:17:08,022
-Now we gotta start from scratch.
-No!

1311
01:17:10,325 --> 01:17:12,494
<i>¡Ay!</i>

1312
01:17:18,032 --> 01:17:19,735
Hoo!

1313
01:17:19,767 --> 01:17:21,936
Hoo. Whoo!

1314
01:17:21,969 --> 01:17:24,338
I am tired.

1315
01:17:24,371 --> 01:17:26,575
God, that is exhausting.

1316
01:17:26,607 --> 01:17:29,645
I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

1317
01:17:29,678 --> 01:17:32,348
Come on. Let's get you up.

1318
01:17:33,048 --> 01:17:36,351
-Don't touch me!
-What... Hey!

1319
01:17:36,383 --> 01:17:39,420
Does it make you happy
to see me like this?

1320
01:17:39,454 --> 01:17:42,891
I mean, not really.
You look like a sad Gollum.

1321
01:17:42,923 --> 01:17:46,761
You's all bent over, and you're crying.
You look a little crazy.

1322
01:17:46,794 --> 01:17:49,764
-Come on, don't hate me.
-Hate you?

1323
01:17:49,798 --> 01:17:51,600
I loathe you.

1324
01:17:51,633 --> 01:17:55,003
That's... that's a thesaurus
word right there.

1325
01:17:55,035 --> 01:17:58,572
I hate you the way
black people hate cops.

1326
01:17:58,606 --> 01:18:01,910
I hate you the way
Republicans hate Obamacare.

1327
01:18:01,942 --> 01:18:02,977
Baby, come on now.

1328
01:18:03,011 --> 01:18:07,782
I hate you the way Kanye West
hates everybody else!

1329
01:18:07,816 --> 01:18:10,052
Well, I'm kind of with him
on Taylor Swift.

1330
01:18:10,084 --> 01:18:11,953
What is that bitch
singin' about?

1331
01:18:11,986 --> 01:18:14,923
You will never
do that to me again.

1332
01:18:14,955 --> 01:18:16,657
You said it was cool.

1333
01:18:16,691 --> 01:18:20,429
I know niggas, grimy niggas
who do not value themselves,

1334
01:18:20,462 --> 01:18:24,066
and they will have no problem coming
down here to fuck your little ass up!

1335
01:18:24,098 --> 01:18:25,801
Slow it up now.

1336
01:18:25,834 --> 01:18:27,636
Just one "Cuckoo!"

1337
01:18:27,669 --> 01:18:32,541
And they will swoop down on you
like pigeons on old garlic bread.

1338
01:18:32,574 --> 01:18:34,843
You can't be cuckooin'
on this mo'fuck!

1339
01:18:34,875 --> 01:18:37,312
You gotta calm them niggas down.

1340
01:18:37,712 --> 01:18:39,580
You know what?

1341
01:18:41,048 --> 01:18:42,650
Let's try something else.

1342
01:18:44,419 --> 01:18:47,022
This is cute.
I get it. A little role play.

1343
01:18:47,054 --> 01:18:49,590
It's cute. Handcuffs. All right.

1344
01:18:49,624 --> 01:18:52,127
You thought you were gonna
do this shit to me?

1345
01:18:52,160 --> 01:18:53,962
You messed with the wrong bitch.

1346
01:18:53,995 --> 01:18:55,297
You sound angry.

1347
01:18:55,329 --> 01:19:00,568
<i>This is for Kerry Washington
from D-jango Unchained!-!</i>

1348
01:19:00,602 --> 01:19:04,539
It's fucking... That is "Django"!
The "D" is silent!

1349
01:19:04,571 --> 01:19:09,377
<i>This is for Lupita Nyong'o
in Twelve Years a Slave!</i>

1350
01:19:09,410 --> 01:19:12,446
Goddamn it!

1351
01:19:12,480 --> 01:19:14,482
It stings so bad.

1352
01:19:14,516 --> 01:19:16,418
All she wanted was some soap!

1353
01:19:16,450 --> 01:19:19,687
Even antibacterial soap!

1354
01:19:19,721 --> 01:19:23,424
-This is for Denzel Washington.
-Wait, he's not even a woman.

1355
01:19:23,458 --> 01:19:26,728
<i>-You just getting crazy.
-But they made him cry in Glory.</i>

1356
01:19:26,761 --> 01:19:29,764
Who makes Denzel Washington
cry? Nobody!

1357
01:19:29,798 --> 01:19:33,001
<i>You talkin' 'bout like this?
See, look. I have a Glory tear.</i>

1358
01:19:33,034 --> 01:19:34,843
<i>If it wasn't for
Denzel Washington,</i>

1359
01:19:34,844 --> 01:19:36,838
<i>Flight would've been
a fucking Soul Plane!</i>

1360
01:19:36,870 --> 01:19:37,871
Shit!

1361
01:19:37,905 --> 01:19:41,743
<i>Why the fuck did they make
Soul Plane anyway?</i>

1362
01:19:41,776 --> 01:19:46,148
<i>And this is for the little white
girl in Fifty Shades of Grey!</i>

1363
01:19:46,181 --> 01:19:49,151
Johnson! Dakota Johnson.

1364
01:19:49,183 --> 01:19:51,186
She had to be naked
the whole fucking movie?

1365
01:19:51,218 --> 01:19:53,087
That shit was just gratuitous!

1366
01:19:56,790 --> 01:19:58,125
Whoo! Yes!

1367
01:19:58,126 --> 01:19:59,460
It burns! It burns!

1368
01:19:59,494 --> 01:20:02,164
It feels like someone
lit my ass on fire!

1369
01:20:02,196 --> 01:20:03,831
God, it hurts!

1370
01:20:05,799 --> 01:20:10,172
-We done?
-No, nigga, no. We not finished yet!

1371
01:20:10,204 --> 01:20:12,740
We not finished
with you yet, nigga!

1372
01:20:12,773 --> 01:20:14,176
What? Where you goin' with this?

1373
01:20:14,209 --> 01:20:17,512
I'm about to get
medieval on your ass.

1374
01:20:17,544 --> 01:20:19,914
Welcome to my world,
motherfucker.

1375
01:20:23,218 --> 01:20:26,755
God!

1376
01:20:30,124 --> 01:20:31,960
God!

1377
01:20:34,094 --> 01:20:37,833
This hurts so much.

1378
01:20:37,865 --> 01:20:40,534
I wish I'd died.

1379
01:20:40,567 --> 01:20:43,070
Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
Don't touch it!

1380
01:20:43,103 --> 01:20:44,806
It's tickling.

1381
01:20:44,838 --> 01:20:47,542
Christian,
I thought you'd like it.

1382
01:20:47,575 --> 01:20:49,077
What's there to like?

1383
01:20:49,110 --> 01:20:51,847
What kind of sick pervert

1384
01:20:51,879 --> 01:20:55,549
beats you for their
own enjoyment?

1385
01:20:55,583 --> 01:20:59,955
Christian, you don't want
somebody like me.

1386
01:20:59,987 --> 01:21:02,523
Exactly what I want.

1387
01:21:03,790 --> 01:21:07,061
A broke college graduate
with a liberal arts degree

1388
01:21:07,094 --> 01:21:08,963
and no future prospects.

1389
01:21:11,266 --> 01:21:12,901
That's exactly
what I want.

1390
01:21:12,933 --> 01:21:16,804
Christian, I've fallen head
over heels in love with you.

1391
01:21:18,873 --> 01:21:20,609
Slow it up.

1392
01:21:20,642 --> 01:21:22,878
That is not
in the contract.

1393
01:21:22,910 --> 01:21:26,248
Like, it specifically says...
And I quote...

1394
01:21:26,280 --> 01:21:28,749
"Bitch don't love a nigga."

1395
01:21:28,782 --> 01:21:30,986
Okay?
And I double-bolded that.

1396
01:21:31,018 --> 01:21:34,054
I knew I should've
had you sign this contract.

1397
01:21:34,088 --> 01:21:37,993
Christian, I think it'd
be best if you leave.

1398
01:21:38,026 --> 01:21:39,961
Get out!

1399
01:21:39,994 --> 01:21:43,098
Fine. You want me to leave? You want
me to leave? Fine. I will leave!

1400
01:21:43,130 --> 01:21:44,865
Okay. Wait. Time-out.

1401
01:21:44,898 --> 01:21:47,102
Um, I live here.

1402
01:21:47,134 --> 01:21:49,704
Shouldn't you be the one leaving?
Am I wrong?

1403
01:21:50,938 --> 01:21:53,275
Take an umbrella 'cause...

1404
01:21:53,307 --> 01:21:55,743
Bitch, it's raining.

1405
01:21:59,313 --> 01:22:00,815
I need my car back.

1406
01:22:00,816 --> 01:22:02,316
I already sold
that piece of shit.

1407
01:22:02,350 --> 01:22:04,085
I'll send you
a check for $37.

1408
01:22:04,086 --> 01:22:05,820
That is way below Blue Book.

1409
01:22:07,355 --> 01:22:10,157
Wait, Hannah.

1410
01:22:10,191 --> 01:22:11,960
Christian,
you have to let me go.

1411
01:22:11,993 --> 01:22:14,161
-Please, listen to me.
-No, you listen to me.

1412
01:22:14,195 --> 01:22:17,232
You'll find someone,
somebody who wants to be open

1413
01:22:17,264 --> 01:22:19,868
to all the demeaning things
that you wanna do to them.

1414
01:22:19,901 --> 01:22:22,637
-Hannah!
-Christian.

1415
01:22:24,137 --> 01:22:25,673
-Ew.
-God!

1416
01:22:33,847 --> 01:22:37,885
How is he gonna love you?
He doesn't even love himself!

1417
01:22:37,919 --> 01:22:41,790
Did... you... see...
his... haircut, girl?

1418
01:22:41,822 --> 01:22:46,061
How could you think
this was gonna end well?

1419
01:22:48,362 --> 01:22:50,365
Never look back.

1420
01:22:56,670 --> 01:22:58,873
-Christian.
-Hannah.

1421
01:23:00,141 --> 01:23:03,645
While running down
47 flights of stairs,

1422
01:23:03,678 --> 01:23:06,014
I had plenty of time to think.

1423
01:23:06,047 --> 01:23:08,489
And when I passed
out on the 23rd floor,

1424
01:23:08,490 --> 01:23:10,118
I realized I owed
you an apology.

1425
01:23:10,151 --> 01:23:12,821
I just wanna say I'm sorry
for the way I treated you,

1426
01:23:12,853 --> 01:23:14,789
especially for the whole
waterboarding thing.

1427
01:23:14,821 --> 01:23:17,859
Turns out, you were right
about bin Laden.

1428
01:23:17,892 --> 01:23:19,110
Who knew?

1429
01:23:19,111 --> 01:23:20,328
Everyone.

1430
01:23:20,361 --> 01:23:22,697
You hurt me, Christian.

1431
01:23:22,730 --> 01:23:25,066
I know,
but I have softer whips.

1432
01:23:25,098 --> 01:23:27,869
You know the kind
with the pink fur on it?

1433
01:23:27,901 --> 01:23:29,303
It takes the sting off.

1434
01:23:29,304 --> 01:23:30,704
That's not
what I'm talking about.

1435
01:23:30,737 --> 01:23:32,022
You want romance.

1436
01:23:32,023 --> 01:23:33,307
I deserve it.

1437
01:23:33,340 --> 01:23:36,844
Well, what's more romantic than
running down 47 flights of stairs?

1438
01:23:36,878 --> 01:23:39,114
-You know I pulled a hamstring?
-Did you die?

1439
01:23:39,146 --> 01:23:42,182
No, but that's gonna keep me out of
the Red Room for at least a week.

1440
01:23:42,215 --> 01:23:45,053
-Bye, bitch.
-Okay, okay.

1441
01:23:45,085 --> 01:23:47,254
-Hannah, wait, wait. Hannah.
-No, Christian.

1442
01:23:47,288 --> 01:23:49,924
You are incapable of having
a normal relationship.

1443
01:23:49,956 --> 01:23:51,860
I know,
but I'm trying, okay?

1444
01:23:51,892 --> 01:23:54,695
I want to be like that old man
whose wife has Alzheimer's,

1445
01:23:54,728 --> 01:23:56,482
and he wakes up every
day and he tells her

1446
01:23:56,483 --> 01:23:58,032
the story about
their lives together,

1447
01:23:58,066 --> 01:24:00,068
and then they take a nap,
but they don't wake up...

1448
01:24:00,101 --> 01:24:01,720
because they're dead.

1449
01:24:01,721 --> 01:24:03,338
<i>That's The Notebook.</i>

1450
01:24:03,370 --> 01:24:07,374
That's the one with Ryan Gosling and
the girl with the big-ass forehead?

1451
01:24:07,407 --> 01:24:08,575
He never forgot her.

1452
01:24:08,576 --> 01:24:10,911
You don't even like
Nicholas Sparks movies.

1453
01:24:10,945 --> 01:24:13,281
I used to hate them,
but now I love 'em.

1454
01:24:13,313 --> 01:24:15,282
<i>Even The Last Song.</i>

1455
01:24:15,316 --> 01:24:19,286
Why was that even a movie?
You know that wasn't even a book?

1456
01:24:19,320 --> 01:24:22,023
If I'm gonna give you another chance,
things have to be different.

1457
01:24:22,056 --> 01:24:24,159
I know.

1458
01:24:24,191 --> 01:24:26,761
I have something very important
I wanna tell you.

1459
01:24:28,195 --> 01:24:30,264
I lo...

1460
01:24:31,132 --> 01:24:33,201
I lo...

1461
01:24:33,234 --> 01:24:37,304
I... I...

1462
01:24:37,338 --> 01:24:39,374
Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

1463
01:24:39,406 --> 01:24:42,209
What I'm trying to say is,
I love...

1464
01:24:43,410 --> 01:24:45,446
<i>Empire.</i>

1465
01:24:45,480 --> 01:24:48,883
That Cookie just says
the craziest things.

1466
01:24:48,915 --> 01:24:50,151
Okay.

1467
01:24:51,384 --> 01:24:53,021
I love you.

1468
01:24:53,887 --> 01:24:55,856
I knew you loved me.

1469
01:25:06,100 --> 01:25:09,204
I have one last surprise for you, but
you're gonna have to pack a bag.

1470
01:25:10,672 --> 01:25:14,008
Are we gonna go on your private jet?
My God. What kind of jet is it?

1471
01:25:14,040 --> 01:25:15,843
No, don't tell me.
I wanna be surprised.

1472
01:25:22,316 --> 01:25:25,353
I can't believe you thought I
would take you on a private jet.

1473
01:25:25,386 --> 01:25:28,223
I love you and all, but you
don't even have a ring yet.

1474
01:26:27,882 --> 01:26:29,884
<i>Hey, baby,
it ain't no thing, man.</i>

1475
01:26:29,917 --> 01:26:31,820
<i>We just out here winning
'cause they losing, man.</i>

1476
01:26:31,852 --> 01:26:34,888
<i>They goin' broke tryin' to pay
attention. You know what I mean?</i>

1477
01:26:34,922 --> 01:26:36,590
<i>It's what it is.</i>

1478
01:26:37,305 --> 01:26:43,812
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